Why You Don’t Hold Lover-Pool Captive
Wade was tired. He wasn’t sure how long he had been in the dingy room. Nor could he remember how many deaths he’d been through. All he knew was he was tired. And his arms ached from hanging from the wall. He was sure his back was out of alignment. He chose to voice this his captor.
“You know what would be nice? A shower. And a bed. Perhaps a nap too. And a massage. Some food couldn’t hurt. How about we get tacos. I’ll buy!”
Wade saw the man back stiffen and he grinned. There was nothing bag guys loved more than a talkative hostage.
“You know what. No. I won’t buy! You guys have been so rude since I got here. Can you give negative stars on Yelp? I hope so. Pretty sure war criminals are treated better than you guys treat your guests. I mean, seriously. Hanging from the wall? How unoriginal. Removing organs? You know I donate them. You could have just asked for a few? What are you doing with them anyways? Bet your trying to build a new Frankenstein monster. That’s a common mistake. The monster wasn’t named Frankenstein. The doctor was. Everyone always thinks it’s the monsters name…”
“DO YOU EVER SHUT UP!?” His captor yelled.
“Only when I’m dead. Actually, not even then, because when I’m dead, I’m usually chatting it up with Lady Death. Now she is a woman. Yowzah!”
“Well maybe you should just stay dead then.”
“Can’t do. You see I have this pesky healing factor, as I am sure you have discovered. I’m sure it’s the whole reason I’m here. Actually why am I here? Tell me doctor, what is your evil plan?”
The man snorted a laugh. “Cute. Too bad I know how this works.” His captor continued his work.
“How what works exactly. Because I’m not sure you do.”
The man sighed and picked up a roll of cheap duct tape, slapping a piece over Wade’s mouth, then continued on his work. Wade smirked behind the tape and began humming. This wasn’t the first time someone had taped Wade’s mouth shut. He began to lick his lips and moistened the tape. Slowly but surely the tape began to loosen around his lips. Wade flexed his jaw a bit and the tape tore away enough to resume talking.
“You know, you should get Duck Tape next time. Works better. Even better is Gorilla Tape. Amazing stuff there. So what’s the plan? Duplicate my healing factor? Doesn’t work. Many have tried. Should have seen the Skrull. It was cute. It was the start of a good running series of comics. You should read them. Might give you a better idea on how to keep someone captive.”
The man pulled out a gun and pressed it to Deadpool’s brow. “One more word and I’ll fucking kill you again. And again. And again. Until I’m done with you.”
Deadpool gasped. “Rude!” He managed to say before the guy pulled the trigger.
Deadpool stirred. His head killing him after having to regenerate.
“Got any ibuprofen? Like 3 large bottles should do.”
The man turned to glare at Deadpool before pulling the gun out again.
“Better yet, just give me the best pain meds you can get.” Deadpool grinned as the man shot him again.
This time when Wade woke, he said nothing, just watched and listened. His captor was hunched over a laptop. Probably sorting through data, shifting on his stool every so often. Then Wade heard it. A slight creak in the air vents. Finally, he thought.
“You know. You didn’t think your plan through very well.”
“Enlighten me,” his captor said, turning towards Wade, prepared to shoot him again.
“Well you see, my boyfriends don’t like it when I’m gone too long.”
“Your boyfriend? Who would date you?” The man laughed. “They would have to be blind to want that face. Not even a mother could love it.”
Wade smirked. “Oh no no no. Honey. I said boyfriends. Two of them actually. They are wonderful. One is blind, but that is not the point. See there was this whole incident a while back. #TokyoDebacle2013 as we fondly call it. #NeverForget. Anyways, ever since then, they kind of don’t let me leave for missions without a place and time frame. I gave them two days. If I don’t contact them by the third day, they get kind of… protective.”
The man stood up and walked towards Wade, gun in hand ready to shoot again. “That’s a beautiful story, but I don’t know what you think your faggot boyfriends are going to do. Throw glitter at me and sass me to death?”
“You’re going to wish that’s what they did. Last time I didn’t check in when I said I would, they came and retrieved me out of a Columbian Hydra base. 137 guys webbed to the walls and ceiling, 144 knocked out with billy clubs, and 2 dead. They let me kill the two who were the worst of the bunch. Raping and killing. An eye for an eye. Literally in the one case.”
Wade saw surprise flash over the guys face. “You’re crazier than they say.”
“What? Did your hired help forget to inform you? Deadpool is dating Daredevil and Spider-Man. #TeamRed.”
“Might as well be married by now,” a new voice supplied.
The man turned to face the intruder. Intruders. Spider-man hung from his web and gave a little finger wave. Daredevil was leaning against the doorframe with his best menacing look.
“Oh, Spidey-wifu! I would marry you and Husbando-Devil in a heartbeat if I could. If only New York allowed gay polygamy!”
The man came out of his stupor and pressed his gun to Wade’s head. “Move and I shot him.”
“That’s kind of an empty threat,” Daredevil said. “We all know he won't stay dead.”
Wade gasped. “DD! It still hurts!”
“And for your pain and suffering, we will go get us some tacos, go home, and cuddle. You can even be the middle spoon,” Spider-man supplied.
“Oh, then shoot away! Just have the heavy stuff ready for me.”
“I laced the bullet with an anti-healing serum!”
“If you’re going to bluff,” Wade whispered, “don’t do it to Daredevil. Also, should get better muscle control because your hand is shaking.”
The man turned towards Deadpool to shoot. Spider-man took the opening and webbed the gun away. He barely had time to register that the gun was missing before Daredevil kicked him in his side. The captor went down and groaned. Spider-man began webbing him in a cocoon as Daredevil helped Deadpool out of his bindings.
“What do you want to do with him?” Daredevil asked nodding to the man on the floor.
Wade re-attached his weapons and grabbed his mask before squatting over the man on the floor. Deadpool poked the man on the forehead a few times to get the man’s attention.
“What was your plan?”
“I wanted to save my sister,” he answered.
Wade looked to Matt who gave him a slight nod. Wade turned back to the man. “What’s your name?”
“Quentin Michaels. Doctor Quentin Michaels.”
“A little young to be a doctor. Well doc, let me tell you something. Instead of doing this,” Wade waved his hand around the room, “you should be with your sister and be with her in her last moments before Lady Death takes her. Take it from me, I wouldn’t give this immortal life to my worst enemy. Instead, I gave him sweet death. Something I will never know.”
Deadpool patted the guys cheek before standing. “I should, however, kill you now. Not because of what you did to me, no I get it, but because of you how you spoke of my Spidey-wifu and Husbando-Devil. The world could use less bigotry like yours.”
Deadpool withdrew his gun, twirled it around on his finger, before shooting every piece of glassware on the counter tops without ever removing his eyes from the quivering man on the floor.
“I’m going to let my lovely’s decided. Does poor Quinny here live, or shall I rid the world of this scum?”
“Deadpool,” Matt spoke in his courtroom voice. It did things to Wade and he knew it. Deadpool let out an involuntary shiver.
“I get it. You’re lucky. But I’m going to be watching you Quinny. One toe out of line, and I will introduce you to Bea and Arthur personally.” Deadpool emptied the rest of his clip into the laptop. “And one word of any of this,” Deadpool gestured between him, Spider-man, and Daredevil, “to anyone and I’ll make your death far more painful.”
Wade turned away from the man and made his way out of the building. Once they were a safe distance away, the two hugged Wade from the front and back. Wade did his best to hug the two back.
“Let’s skip tacos. I was promised I could be the cream filling to our Oreo cuddle.”