Once the door opens Mike only has a couple of seconds to take in Harvey's appearance before he shuts off the open expression and scowls. It’s obvious to Mike he’s tired, exhaustion evident in his eyes and the way his face falls, the mask slipping out of place, until suddenly it’s back and a sting of regret hits Mike right in the heart.
"What do you want?"
If it were anyone else Mike wouldn’t have bothered, he would have taken the tone as the warning it was intended and turned tail and bolted. Harvey’s not anyone else and Mike needs to make sure he’s okay.
"I wanted to see how you are. Rachel told me what happened."
Harvey merely scoffs and turns away, making his way back towards the kitchen, and he can hear Mike following blindly like he always does.
"Of course she did."
It's only muttered, so quiet Mike almost misses it. Almost.
"Hey." Mike reaches for Harvey and makes contact around the elbow, spinning the older man around to face him, trying to get a read of how the older man is really feeling, "I mean it. Are you okay? Why didn't you tell me?"
"Just to have you run off and tell Rachel? No thank you."
Harvey pulls out of his grasp and walks away to pick up his glass of scotch from the coffee table. There’s venom in his voice that makes Mike feel vaguely sick and he immediately regrets opening his mouth and sharing Harvey’s secrets with Rachel.
"No! No, you don't get to do this." The vehemence shocks Mike into silence, "I trusted you. I told you about my panic attacks and I trusted you to keep that to yourself, but you couldn't even do that. Every single little thing I say, you have to run and tell Rachel."
"We're engaged, Harvey."
"That doesn't concern me! I tell you something, I expect you to keep it to yourself." He seems to run out of steam suddenly, his whole demeanour slumping as he runs a hand through his hair, the exhaustion taking hold once again. Harvey shots back the rest of his scotch and heaves a deep sigh before looking back towards Mike.
"Look, forget it. You chose her a long time ago so I don't know why I told you in the first place. Just go."
"Harvey, what are you talking about?"
Harvey's silent as he makes his way towards the huge glass windows, watching the city hurtling below them so he doesn't have to look at Mike.
"What do you mean I chose her?"
Mike waits him out as long as he's able, a silent game of chicken between the two, a game Harvey Specter always wins. When it all becomes too much, the silence suffocating, thickening the air between them, Mike moves towards Harvey and stops just two steps behind him.
He reaches out for the older man, looking for comfort in his touch, desperate to know they’re okay. It worries him it won’t be welcome, that Harvey doesn’t want to be touched and Mike’s hand freezes out of fear. His hand hovers centimetres from Harvey’s shoulder and Mike watches as it shakes for a few moments before he aborts the effort and his hand drops back to his side. It feels heavy, matching the feeling in the pit of his stomach.
"How'd it go with McKernon?"
Mike breathes a deep sigh and tries to gather the courage to tell Harvey what happened with Louis. It's fine, Jessica said she’d sort their problem with Jack Soloff but the dust hasn't settled yet and Mike was secretly hoping to avoid this conversation all together. He should have known Harvey wouldn't go along with his plan.
"All good. Sorted it all out." He tries the lie, but even without Harvey looking at him he should know it won't hold.
Harvey spins to face him, jaw clenched and eyes blazing with anger, "Don't lie to me."
Mike gulps and resists the urge to take a step back.
"You think I wouldn't find out?"
“Look, Harvey, it’s not a big deal. Jessica’s got it sorted.”
“And you really think Soloff’s just going to lie down and take it?”
Mike doesn’t answer, he can’t answer, because the answer is no and he can’t deal with seeing disappointment on Harvey’s face right now. The silence is answer enough anyway it seems, disappointment shading Harvey’s features and making him scowl once again before he turns back towards the window.
“Harvey, I know you’re pissed at me, I know you gave me McKernon because you trusted me with them, but we did everything we could and I think it’ll all work out.”
Harvey remains silent, the tension in his shoulders remaining despite Mike’s attempts at reassurance. He can tell it’s taking all of Harvey’s willpower to not yell at him, to not turn and snap and say things neither of them would be able to take back. It doesn’t make him feel much better. Sometimes it’s better when they yell; at least they’re honest with each other. Still, Mike’s hesitant to ruin the mood, to break the silence and the careful balance they’re working so hard to maintain. Now’s not the time for yelling. If one of them cracks Mike’s not sure if they’ll be able to minimise the damage.
Harvey’s sudden movement shocks Mike out of his thoughts, his body once again aware of Harvey’s, his eyes tracing the older man’s every move as he walks back towards the kitchen. Harvey pours himself another drink, tossing the shot back before pouring himself another. Once again he doesn’t offer Mike anything and Mike figures he should probably stop expecting it. Harvey’s pissed about a number of things and Mike knows he’ll stay that way until they get to the bottom of it all.
Harvey stays silent as he sips his drink and Mike knows Harvey’s trying to psyche him out, to make Mike feel awkward enough to leave and just drop the whole conversation. He should really know better by now, that Mike’s never going to let this go.
Mike moves towards him slowly, worried that he’s doing irreparable damage by staying and pushing but knowing that they’ll be worse off if he leaves. He circles around the island bench in the kitchen and moves to stand beside Harvey, trying to catch the other man’s gaze. Harvey avoids him though and Mike can’t say he’s surprised.
He breathes a deep sigh, mentally psyching himself up for his next question, knowing there’s a possibility that Harvey might completely lose his shit, “Why didn’t you tell me you're seeing a psychiatrist?”
“Why didn’t you tell me you’ve been talking to Donna?”
“Excuse me?” Okay, that was one Mike honestly wasn’t expecting. He’s aware of the exasperation in his own voice, the disbelief bordering on laughter, but Harvey sounds like a teenage girl caught in a high school drama and he honestly can’t mean what Mike thinks he means.
Mike finds himself once again under the scrutiny of Harvey’s dark and dangerous gaze and suddenly he doesn’t feel like laughing anymore.
“You heard me.”
“Yeah, I did, I just didn’t think you were so petty.”
Harvey’s face clouds over, darker and tenser than before and Mike regrets the words the minute their out of his mouth.
“Harvey, I didn’t mean-”
“Come on, Harvey.” Mike’s aware of the whining desperation in his voice but he doesn’t care.
“I said get out.”
“I’m not leaving until you talk to me.”
Harvey takes his scotch and moves towards the sofa, collapsing into the soft leather and looking anywhere but at Mike. Mike follows him, of course, but Harvey’s thankful he doesn’t move to sit beside him. He’s walking dangerously close to the edge of losing his temper and no matter what’s happening between them right now Harvey desperately doesn’t want to ruin things between them for good.
“Why didn’t you tell me about your psychiatrist?” Mike doesn’t exactly have a tacit here but he’s kind of hoping Harvey will eventually get sick of Mike asking and just answer his damn question.
“Why do you even care?”
Harvey looks honestly bewildered and it makes Mike’s chest hurt. Harvey can’t honestly believe Mike doesn’t care about him.
“I’ve never for a second pretended I didn’t care about you.”
“No, what you care about is being able to run your mouth to Rachel whenever the hell she demands to know what’s going on.”
“Harvey! That’s not fair and you know it.”
“You know what? I don’t care. I told you, I’m done sharing things with you.”
“Harvey, I’m worried about you and the only reason I told Rachel is because she’s your associate and I thought someone else should know.”
“If I wanted someone else to know I would have told them myself. There’s a reason I didn’t tell her.”
“Yeah, because you’re embarrassed. You think talking about your feeling shows weakness and you couldn’t bear for anyone to think that you’re weak. Nobody thinks that, Harvey, nobody.”
“You had no right to tell her.”
“Somebody else needed to know. What happens if I’m not there next time?”
“Mike, I handled this plenty of times without your help and I can do it again in the future. I don’t need you.”
“You should go.”
Instead Mike moves to sit beside him on the sofa. Their arms and thighs are pressed together but neither of them makes to pull away; Mike counts it as a win. When Harvey’s actually slumps, pressing closer to Mike’s body like all the fight has suddenly drained out of him, Mike’s tempted for a fleeting moment to throw his arm around the older man’s shoulders and hold him close. He knows Harvey wouldn’t respond well to that but god Mike just wants things to be better between them again.
“Why didn’t you tell me about your psychiatrist?” It’s almost a whisper, hanging quietly between the two men while Mike waits patiently for a response.
“What do you know?”
“I know that you’re seeing the same person as Sam Tull and you pretty much eviscerated her in a deposition just to win a case.”
“Just to win a case? Is that what Rachel told you?” Harvey pulls back slightly and Mike can’t help but feel like they keep taking one step forward then two steps back.
Harvey’s standing suddenly, cold air striking where Harvey used to be and Mike hates the way his body shivers at the loss of contact.
“I got Sam Tull out of prison and I put my own personal relationships into jeopardy to do that. If you think that’s ‘just to win a case’ then you really don’t know me at all.” Harvey all but yells at him and Mike hates the hurt he can see blazing across Harvey’s face.
“Harvey that’s not what I meant.”
“I don’t care what you meant, you need to leave. And you can tell Rachel to take the next week to focus on her studies, I don’t want to see her in the office.”
“Harvey, that’s not fair and you know it!”
“I don’t give a shit, Mike! I’m sick of you two banding together to fight against me like I’m the enemy. I’m your fucking boss and I’m sick of being treated like anything less!”
Mike’s not exactly sure when he decided to move and that getting into Harvey’s personal space was a good idea but suddenly he’s there and he’s not backing down. They’re almost nose-to-nose, standing so close they can feel the other’s breath skating across their cheek, but Harvey’s not meeting Mike eyes and in that moment Mike doesn’t know how to be anything but honest, “Harvey, you’re a lot more to me than just my boss. I thought you knew that.”
Harvey doesn’t want to look at him. He doesn’t want to give in and look into those electric blue eyes because he knows, he knows, that if he does he’ll fall. He’ll ruin the walls he’s built around him and cross the boundaries that say ‘I belong to Rachel Zane’ and he’ll just take what he’s wanted for too damn long.
He doesn’t want to but when has Harvey ever been able to control himself around Mike Ross?
His eyes move to meet Mike’s and they’re everything Harvey knew they would be, they’re everything he’s ever wanted and everything he can never have. He’s tired of fighting, with Mike, for Mike, he just wants their life to be easy.
He feels himself falling into the trap of electric blue and distantly he hears his own voice escape his throat, “What do you want me to say Mike?”
“I want you to tell me the truth. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t think you’d care.”
Mike looks at him disbelievingly; they both know that’s absolute shit and Mike’s not putting up with half-truths anymore.
“I mean, I was going to tell you, but then Rachel told me she knew about it all and I just couldn’t.”
“I didn’t tell her to hurt you. I wouldn’t do that to you.”
They’re quiet for a few moments; just breathing softly, eyes meeting every now and then Mike suddenly can’t stand the silence. It feels too much like Harvey’s still hurting.
“I know you don’t like talking about shit but I need you to know that I’m here and I care and I’m worried about you.”
“I know that Mike, I do.”
“Then what was your thing about me choosing Rachel instead of you?”
“Just forget it, I was being an ass.”
“Well I never thought I’d hear that,” There’s humour in Mike’s voice once again and Harvey’s thankful he’s the one responsible for bringing it back, “Harvey Specter admitting he’s an asshole.”
“Don’t get used to it.” Harvey smirks slightly but there’s laughter behind his eyes and Mike can breathe a little easier knowing Harvey’s coming back to him. It’s still racing around his mind though, the idea that Harvey thought he was second-best, that somehow Rachel is more important to Mike than he is.
“Harvey.” He waits until the other man’s eyes meet his own, the dark brown beautiful in its honesty, “You’ll always come first to me, I hope you know that.”
Harvey huffs a laugh and breaks eye contact for a moment, eyes only returning to Mike’s after the younger man remains stoic and silent.
“I mean it. I never chose her over you, I never could.”
They stay like that, staring at one another for an immeasurable amount of time, each waiting for the other to crack, for a hint of a lie to slip its way in and break their focus. It never comes.
In the end it’s Harvey who breaks the silence, Harvey who can’t bear the weight of honesty and acceptance shining from Mike’s eyes, his voice rough when he finally speaks, “You already have.”
Mike moves almost immediately. Before he knows what he’s doing, before his brain has a chance to catch up to the movement of his hands and he can stop himself, he’s aware of the warmth of Harvey’s cheek pressing against the palm of his hand and Mike can’t force himself to pull away, “No, Harvey, I haven’t.”