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Can I Call You Tonight?

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Five years ago~

 

Chuuya sighed as he let his friends drag him to karaoke. He tried to protest on going, but Yuan insisted that he gets out of the house. Chuuya couldn't deny that he did need to get out, but he definitely didn't want to do some stupid karaoke. 

Hell, he hates singing. 

"You don't even have to sing if you don't want to," Yuan says as they walk into the building to which Chuuya replies with a nod. 

Once they pay for a room and get settled in, Yuan immediately goes to the karaoke stand and starts scrolling through the list of music. Chuuya watched quietly until he had remembered something the pink haired girl told him before they came, 

"And you said...Dazai's going to be here?" Yuan just hums as a yes in response and finally picks a song. 

Yuan is well aware that Chuuya is madly in love with Dazai, just as much as Dazai is with Chuuya. Except Chuuya is too much of a smart ass to ever admit it to anyone. Dazai's the same way, but he does drop very subtle hints every so often. 

Chuuya groans in frustration as the song Yuan picked started playing. She had chosen 'When I Was Your Man' by Bruno Mars. And although Chuuya loves his music, he doesn't want to be in a shitty mood right now. 

 

A few minutes later the song came to an end and Chuuya couldn't have been happier. That means he didn't have to listen to Yuan's annoying singing voice for at least 5 more minutes while she frantically looks for another song. 

That is, until Chuuya hears another song close by, probably in the room next to theirs. He doesn't pay much attention to the other noise, only noticing that the person started singing, 

 

I feel close

 

Well maybe not, heaven knows 

 

It's a spotlight stuck on the ceilin' 

 

Chuuya knows that voice, he's heard it countless times. 

It's Dazai. 

The one person who Chuuya has been trying to avoid for the past week. 

Chuuya looks over to see his pink haired friend smiling widely at him, but he thinks nothing of it. How stupid of him. He knew she was planning something and still didn't bother to question her. 

 

Why are these the things that I'm feelin'?

 

The red head suddenly felt the urge to follow Dazai's voice, "Hey Yuan I'm going to go get something to drink," Yuan quickly replies, "Okay! Don't be too long I want to sing another song for you!" Chuuya rolls his eyes and walks out of the room.

He walks past the room next door and doesn't hear any sound coming from it, which was odd since he thought it was closer. 

He hurriedly continues following Dazai's voice until he's out on the main floor. He sees Dazai on the stage, completely lost in what he's singing. What’s worse? Chuuya doesn't even recognize the song. 

He goes and stands closer to the front to get a better view and god, Dazai looks so unbelievably beautiful on that stage. The way he looks so comfortable singing and the way his voice flows perfectly with the words. 

 

So, can I call you tonight?

 

I'm tryna make up my mind 

 

Just how I feel

 

Could you tell me what's real? 

 

Chuuya remembers how Dazai asked him to call him a few days ago, but he simply ignored his message and never bothered to reply the next morning. 

 

I hear your voice on the phone 

 

Now I'm no longer alone 

 

Chuuya quickly pulls out his phone to look up the lyrics since he can't seem to find any of them familiar. He searches for a few seconds and finds....nothing. Dazai must have written this song then. 

But who could the song be about? Probably no one and Dazai just got inspired by being a hopeless romantic to write a song. The red head desperately wishes the song was about him though. 

 

Batteries drain, I get the memo 

 

"I think that I might have to let you go"

 

No, please don't let me go. 

Chuuya becomes so lost in his thoughts about the song and who Dazai could be singing about, if anyone at all, that he doesn't even realize the song had ended and he was making his way towards Dazai. 

Dazai makes his way towards Chuuya as well, immediately blurting out, "You've been distant from me." 

Chuuya laughs, "I know and I'm sorry, I just didn't know what to do," Chuuya pauses, regaining his thoughts, "That song, did you write it?" Dazai nods, "Are you able to guess who it's about?" 

"I don't know probably one of your lame ass hook ups," Chuuya starts to giggle until he notices Dazai's serious glare, "Oh...sorry." Dazai eases up a little and continues talking, "It was about you leprechaun. I know I've hurt you and done some pretty fucked up things but....this is the only way I could think to tell you how I felt." Chuuya looks awestruck at the thought. 

Dazai doesn't give Chuuya the time to reply before he's pulled into a deep, passionate kiss. Oh how Chuuya has wanted this for so long and Dazai's lips are surprisingly soft. The kiss doesn't last too long though before the brunette pulls away. 

"I love you, Chuuya Nakahara." Chuuya smiles, a genuine smile as he gives his response, "I love you too, Osamu Dazai." 

 

—————

Two years ago~ 

 

"Dazai! Dazai wake up! Oh my god why aren't you waking up?" Chuuya feels weightless as he holds Dazai's body in his arms, 

"It's okay Chuuya." 

Chuuya knows that's a lie. Dazai did this to himself. That's one thing Chuuya knows he will never understand after this. Why? 

An ambulance has already been called. Chuuya called one the second he felt something was off when he walked into his apartment. He saw an empty pill bottle on the kitchen counter. Dazai had been acting distant for weeks and Chuuya couldn't figure out why. 

Now he's sitting here holding his boyfriends lifeless body trying to find a pulse. 

Which to his surprise, he finds a pulse. It's slow and barely there...but it's there and that's enough to satisfy Chuuya until he gets Dazai to the hospital. 

"Dazai please, stay with me! I love you please!" Chuuya can't hold back the sobs coming from his throat. "I love you, Chuuya Nakahara," Dazai goes completely limp, passing out as he finishes his sentence. 

 

 

The ambulance came almost immediately after and rushed Dazai to the hospital. Chuuya knew Dazai still had a pulse after he passed out, he's sure of it. 

It's easy to say Chuuya went home alone that night. 

The last thing him and Dazai said to each other was "I love you" so at least it didn't go horribly in the end. Chuuya wishes he could've been there to stop him though. He can't help but blame himself for it.

He thought he made the brunette happy. He really did. 

Dazai Osamu's death was not ruled a suicide. Chuuya calls bullshit because he was there. He saw the empty pill bottle. Until he noticed the pills in the trash can. Chuuya doesn't understand how Dazai died if it wasn't suicide. That seemed like the only logical reason.

The autopsy later revealed that Dazai had died from an unknown illness. That explains why Dazai had been vomiting a lot recently, hadn't been getting sleep and always looked so pale and....weak. 

The funeral was simple. Chuuya hadn't wanted to go. He didn't want to see Dazai's dead body in shitty formal clothes in a wooden casket. He didn't want to watch them bury his boyfriend. But his family practically forced him to go. 

As far as the actual service went, it was okay, but when it came time for Chuuya to give his speech, he choked. He had tried writing a speech for this, but he couldn't find the right words. Everytime he wrote something down, it never felt right to him. 

Chuuya was called up to the podium and gave himself a tiny pep talk on the way up. 

Chuuya cleared his throat so he wouldn't sound dead, "Hello, I'm Chuuya Nakahara. I was Dazai's boyfriend," he paused, choking on the use of past tense. Dazai and Chuuya never broke up, so they were still technically together...

Halfway through his speech, he could feel the tears start to fall down his cheeks and he mentally cursed himself for crying when he least wanted to. 

He continued talking, most of the words coming from off the top of his head, "I couldn't have been prouder of the person Osamu came to be and I'm even more proud to have been able to call him my boyfriend,"

Chuuya finished his speech by thanking everyone and was shooed away by the next person to give their speech. 

After the funeral, Chuuya went home and opened a bottle of wine. He needed to get his mind out of the gutter and the only way he knew how was to drink. He went to sleep that night with a hole left in his heart. Dazai was still here with him though, he knew it. 

No one was ever able to figure out what illness Dazai had. 

 

——————

Present~ 


Over the many years Dazai has been gone, Chuuya's attempted suicide three times, failing every single time. He either ends up not being able to do it or his friend finds him and gets him rushed to the hospital. He just didn't want to live if Dazai wasn't in his life. He knows it's stupid to have that mindset, but he never cared. 

Today Chuuya got released from the mental hospital, yet again. He told the doctors he would hopefully be out for good and he honestly hopes he's right. He can't stand going there for weeks or months on end. He hates it.

Chuuya sighed as he walked into his apartment, the same apartment he and Dazai shared. Today was also the fifth anniversary of Dazai's death. And Chuuya was not happy. 

His friends all made him go out and do something so he was distracted and wouldn't mope around at home all day and think about Dazai. Even though that's what Chuuya wanted to do. He wanted to stay home and mourn instead of being distracted from it. 

After he completed his nightly routine of showering and eating dinner, he made his way to the bedroom. 

"Well...fuck it," Chuuya said as he reached under the bed and pulled out a box. The top of the box read ‘Dazai and Chuuya.’ It contained memories. Memories Chuuya was not ready to face. 

His friends told him not to go through the memories and to at least try to get back into the dating scene, even if he didn't like it. 

Truth be told, the red head hasn't even thought about dating since he lost Dazai. He had told Dazai, "You're it for me, do you understand?" And he meant it. He doesn't want anyone else and will never want anyone else. Not if they aren't him. 

Chuuya sighed once again and slowly pulled the top off the box. The first thing he noticed was a mixtape. He and Dazai had bought a mixtape player as a joke years ago and kept it ever since, but it's never been used. Not once. 

The mixtape read, "Can I Call You Tonight -Osamu Dazai," the song Dazai wrote when he confessed to Chuuya. 

He laughed for a second at the memory, he found it so stupid how he was dragged to karaoke just to hear Dazai sing his feelings when he could've done it in private. But that's Dazai for you, always having to go the extra mile. 

Chuuya pulled out the mixtape player from under his bed and put the song tape in.

The song starts off with a soft guitar riff and as Dazai's voice starts coming through the speakers, the red head can't contain the tears. Oh how he misses Dazai's voice and the way he would sing to him when he wasn't able to sleep. 

Chuuya listens to the brunettes soft voice as the song continues playing. 

He would be lying if he said he's gotten any better since Dazai's death. It's been five years, yet Chuuya can't seem to find any other ways to cope with it.

The song is still playing, nearing its end, but Chuuya hasn't heard a word of the song for a while. He drowned out the music and was more in tune with listening to his thoughts. 

The last thing he heard was Dazai's voice saying "Can I call you tonight?"