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I love her

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Brenda’s thoughts

I love her. The sad thing is, she doesn’t know the real me. She probably never will. But I love her regardless.

When I think of her I think of how beautiful she is. Nothing can compare to her beauty, even as she gets older. In fact, I think she’s the most beautiful in her old ages, wrinkles and all.

I’ve imagined the way her lips would feel on mine, how soft and warm they’d feel. But that’s all I can do is imagine, for I will never get to feel those perfect lips against mine.

I’ve imagined what it would be like to stare into those breathtaking emerald green eyes for hours on end. What they would tell me and all the secrets they hold.

I’ve imagined those soft gentle hands wiping away my tears away when I’m sad and being enclosed in mine while we sit and talk about nothing.

I’ve imagined those arms holding me to her at night making me feel safe and warm. And those same arms holding me while we cuddle cocooned around a blanket keeping us warm.

I’ve imagined what it would feel like stealing the warmth off her body at night, but the only warmth I feel is mine.

I’ve imagined what it would feel like for me to fall asleep on the couch waiting for her to come home at night. She’d come home to find me asleep on the couch, face relaxed all but for a small worry crease on my forehead. She would gently shake me awake with those tender hands until my eyes would open to find those beautiful green eyes. She’d smile at me, the kind that can light up any dark room, the kind that crinkles the corner of her eyes, the kind of smile that she only shows me. She softly whispers, “Let’s go to bed, baby.” And she would help me up. I’d lean on her to the walk to the bedroom, but she wouldn’t mind because she likes being close. When we get to the bedroom she’d help me under the covers. I would feel around for her, and when I am unsuccessful I would make a sound of disappointment. But then she would tell me, “be right there, sweetheart.” And though I’d be unconscious form sleep, I’d move into her arms when I felt the heat of her beside me. She would hold me and I’d have my face buried into her chest, with my ear pressed up against her to hear her heartbeat. Before she would fall asleep she’d whisper, “I love you.” And in return I would make a sound of contentment.

I’ve also imagined shaking up next to her. She would wake up first holding me until I woke up. If I was taking too long to wake up she would kiss me until I would kiss her back. Every morning I’d get a good morning kiss to start the day. Sometimes we would lay in the bed for hours in each others arms just being content with each other.

I’ve never imagined her leaving me or cheating on me, but I have imagined her dying. Those are the worst. I sob and cry until eventually I have to bring her back and imagine her holding me and telling me that she’s here and it’s going to be okay until o calm down.

I’ve also imagined what it would be like for me to have a bad dream. I’d wake up with a jolt, startling her out of her sleep as she was holding me and felt me jump out of her arms. I would be panicked and scared with sweat covering my face and eyes darting about. The only way she could get me to calm down and realize what was happening was to hold me and get me to see her eyes. They are my weakness, those eyes would tell me that I safe and loved. I would break down crying and she’d hold me, rubbing circles on my back and combing her fingers through my hair, all while trying to calm me down. Once I was able to talk she’d ask me what had happened. I would tell her about the bad dream and she would reassure me with kisses and cuddling, that it was only a dream and she was right there for me.

I’ve also imagined what it would be like to make love with her. She’d always tell me to look at her at the end. And every time when I opened my eyes, all I could see was the love that was in hers. Those green eyes hold so much love in them, it fills the room. I can feel it through every bone in my body. But I can feel it most in my heart. The love from her eyes makes a squeezing pain in my chest almost as if there’s too much for my heart to handle.

The one thing that always happens at the end is me ending up in tears. I love her, but she doesn’t really know me. I love her, but she won’t ever truly love me, not the way she does when I imagine her. I love her, flaws and all. She’s so beautiful. I love her, and that’s why every night I end up in tears.