Things have been weird with Simon lately. He’s been oddly silent with me lately. (He’s usually quiet, he never really has a lot to say, but it’s a different energy coming from him) and I can’t get him to open up to me. I don’t even think Bunce is coming through to him. He just lies in bed, lies on the couch, or sits cross-legged on the ground. It hurts me to see him like this. In this depressive state, and I want to help him but I don’t know how. He won’t talk to me, and anything I do, it’s like he doesn’t notice it.
I don't really give a damn about the way you touch me
When we're alone
You can hold my hand
If no one's home
When we’re in bed together, he wants to touch me. I know it. I feel his hand get closer to mine, but then he’ll quickly draw it back, right before I can snatch his hand up in mine and hold him. Hold him how I used to. (Do you think if I opened my mouth and told him that I miss it, miss being close to him, it’ll change whatever rut he’s in?) ((Do I have that power, just because I’m his boyfriend? Or is this something bigger?))
Do you like it when I'm away?
If I went and hurt my body, baby
Would you love me the same?
I told him I was going to visit my family. He didn’t even care. I invited him, told him my younger siblings missed him. He didn’t blink. He just said “I can’t. I’m sorry.” (You can’t what, Simon? You can’t accompany me to my family’s house or you can’t look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me anymore?)
That’s what I’m truly afraid of. We’re all tiptoeing around the fact that Snow might not want to be with me anymore. Even Bunce mentions it to us. It breaks my heart to know that, but it’ll break my heart more if I’m keeping Snow entrapped in this relationship because I still love him. If he’ll be happier without me, I can live with that. As long as he’s happy.
Although, it'll suck. I thought I made him happy. Or added to his happiness. I can't be his only source of happiness, that's not a good thing.
Oh, all my emotions
Feel like explosions when you are around
It’s like no matter how much I remind him I love him, he doesn’t care (maybe he cares, maybe it does get into that thick skull of his, maybe he’s pretending, maybe he’s not listening. It’s too many maybes with Snow. I’m too afraid to ask if he wants to break up he’ll say maybe) I’m obsessed with him, I’m worried he no longer feels the same.
I’ve talked to Bunce about it. She’s noticed his depressive mood and tells me that when they hang out, he doesn’t say anything about us (“Which is a good thing!” She says. “It can also be a bad thing, Bunce.” “Oy, you’re right.”) ((What’s going through your mind Simon? Let me in. Please. Give this to me. To us)) (((Bunce runs her mouth and told Wellbelove about it))) ((((Agatha can only offer up so much advice "I barely knew who he was when I was dating him Baz, I'm genuinely surprised he's not avoiding you completely))))
Oh, baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you
I need you here to stay
I’ve gone almost a decade knowing Snow. I know his favorite breakfast cereal, his favorite juice. I know that he’s obsessed with the sitcom Friends. I know that he hates big stores because he gets lost in them. I know that when he takes extra long showers, he’s crying. I don’t know why he’s crying. If only he’ll let me in.
Was it something I said to make you feel like you're a burden?
Oh, and if I could take it all back
I swear that I would pull you from the tide
I don’t think I’ve done anything to Snow to make him feel like he can’t talk to me anymore, that he can’t open up to me, that he can’t tell me what’s going on. Sometimes he’s so dense that I don’t think he realizes staying quiet isn’t doing him any favors. It’s not doing me any favors either. It just hurts me more.
I wonder if he wants to break up.
Listen close, it's a no
I don’t know what’s wrong with me (Okay, I do. I lost my magic, I lost the closest thing I had to a father figure, I had to kill an eleven version of myself cause apparently I was the source of all the problems happening back in Hampshire) I just can’t open up to Baz. I can’t let him know I’m not the same person I was, the boy he fell in love with. I’m different now, and he probably doesn’t love this version of me.
But I don’t want to break up.
Which is selfish of me. I can tell that he’s miserable. We barely say more than 10 words to each other the entire day, and Baz is the one doing most of the talking. I feel awful for doing this to him, but I just feel awful myself.
And I found hope in a heart attack
I mean, he hasn’t told me that he doesn’t want me anymore. I’m just making assumptions, which I guess is part of my problem. (I think he still wants me. I try to reach out for him, but then I stop myself for god knows what reason. But I feel the sheets move underneath me, I feel his hand inching towards mine before I pull it away. I’m afraid to touch him, not because I’m afraid of him, but because of what it’ll mean for us. Is everything forgiven? Am I forgiven? Will we go back to normal? We were never normal) ((I can't deny that I miss his touch. His soothing fingers on my hair, his gentle words in my ear))
Baby, I am a wreck when I'm without you
I need you here to stay
I’m afraid he’s gonna snap one day. I’m surprised he hasn’t. So patient with me. I don’t know what I’d do without him.
And yet, I’m considering breaking up with him so he’s no longer miserable.
He comes back to our flat, I think he was out with Penelope. I don’t bother asking anymore. He looks at me lying down on the couch. I’m on season 6 of Friends. The show allows me to not think, and not thinking is my favorite thing.
“Simon, we need to talk. Please.” He whispers to me. I look up at him, and he’s been crying. His cheeks are puffy, his eyes are bloodshot red, and his hair matted down in the back like someone was stroking it. It breaks me.
“Okay.” I say because when my boyfriend is looking at me with bloodshot eyes and I’m the reason, I have to agree.
Penelope comforted me as I cry about Snow. I felt like I was at my breaking point (well I definitely am, I cried in front of Bunce). Being with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. She told me that we both needed to stop being pussies and talk to each other (she reminds me of Fiona a little bit) I realized that she was right, we weren’t getting anywhere tiptoeing around each other.
I just didn’t think he would actually agree.
“Simon, I love you. And if that’s not enough for you, I mean, if I’m not enough for you, I would like for you to let me know so I can stop thinking that we’re going to be together forever.
“Baz, no. You’re too much for me. I’m not enough for you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Baz, I’m not the same person you fell in love with. I don’t have my magic, I don’t have anything. I’m nothing.”
“What are you talking about Simon? You’re my everything. You aren’t nothing.”
“I feel like I am, Baz. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore.” He hasn’t sat down. In fact, he hasn’t moved away from the door. Maybe he’s getting ready to escape if it goes south. I don’t blame him. I’m a nightmare.
Instead, I stand up and move over to him. I inch my hand towards him.
(Please grab my hand. Please give me any reminder that you care about me. That I’m yours and you are mine. That we can fix this. That we can learn together how to help you. That you’ll allow me in. That you won’t push me out anymore. Please. So we can be terrible boyfriends to each other. When’s the last time we made physical contact, Simon? I don’t remember. Please.)
I grab his hand. He instantly runs his thumb over the entirety of my hand. I regret it and accept it at the same time (Regret, because maybe I was hoping I didn't have feelings for Baz anymore, so if I did need to break up with him, it would be easier. I accept it because his hands are so cold in mine, and I already feel my heat radiating off of me to him. I'm not disgusted as I thought I would've been. I feel safe. I feel like I might cry. And laugh. And scream all at once. Why was I holding back? His hands are my favorite. Every vein, every finger, and here I was being so selfish that I didn't allow myself to hold his hand.)
“I don’t want to breakup with you.” I whisper. “I just think staying with you isn’t doing you any favors.”
“Cause you’re miserable with me. I’m making you miserable, and I can’t have that.”
“Love, you aren’t making me miserable." (Please, always call me love. Remind me that I'm yours. Remind me that you do love me. Remind me, so that it's easier to remind you.) "This depressive rut that you’re in is making me miserable. I hate seeing you like this, all hopeless and defeated, and I just sit back and watch because you won’t talk to me. You won’t open up and admit that you’re depressed and that you might need some help.”
“Cause if I do that, then you’re gonna leave me.”
“Simon, I’ve been in love with you since we were 11! I’ve wallowed in agony when you dated Wellbelove and now you’re finally mine and I couldn’t be happier.”
“I’m not that boy anymore, Baz.”
“You’re right. You’re worse.”
“You take insanely hot showers before I have a chance to get in, you don’t close the milk cartons completely, you don’t wring out the sponge correctly when doing the dishes, you don’t use coasters for the water glasses and you always leave your side of the bed unmade.” I tell him.
“Wow, thanks for telling me everything I suck at.” He’s tugging his hand away, but I hold on tight. (I've got you now, Simon. I'm not letting you go when things get rough or things get hard. That's the whole point of a relationship. The whole point of a relationship you want to be in forever. You go through bad times and you learn and grow)
“And I still love you, you bugger. I still adore every second I spend with you. Even if we aren’t talking, even when you aren’t looking my way, being in your presence has served me with enough happiness because I know what you’re going through. I can’t begin to understand your pain, but I can help you process it and understand it and grow from it, but you have to let me, Simon.”
“I don’t want to burden you.”
“You aren’t. You won’t. I want this entire mess that’s you. I want you Simon Snow. When I said forever, I meant it. I just need to know if you do too.”
(I do. I really do. I’m just afraid he’s gonna take it back once I open up. Once I dump everything. Is he strong enough to handle it? To handle me? I should be giving him more credit. He clearly is. I can’t believe he considers himself to be lucky to be dating me when he’s the definition of perfection in my eyes. I’m looking at his eyes. They’re not so red anymore, and I’m looking at his gray clouds looking at me. Am I allowed to look at you like this? Like I want you. I do. I miss you. I need you)
I need you here to stay
“I do.” He whispers
“You do what, Simon? You've been given your words for a reason.” I'm hoping my snarkiness will resemble our arguments back at Watford, maybe he'll feel a little normal again.
“Yeah. I mean forever with you. Baz, once you open me up, I’m afraid I won’t stop.”
“I don’t care. We have forever to talk. And if I’m asleep, I’ll cast a therapist here and you can talk to them. And then they can fill me in the morning. I’ll spend whatever money on the best therapist is that’s what you need. If opening up to someone else helps you open up to me, then I’ll do it. I just want you to feel loved and safe.”
His face is unreadable for a second. I don’t know if I said something wrong.
Then, he breaks into the widest grin I’ve seen from him.
I haven’t seen him smile in so long. It’s so full. His teeth are so nice. His eyes are squinting a bit.
“Baz, I love you.”
I kiss him.
I haven’t said ‘I love you' to Baz in a very long time, so his response in kissing me makes absolute sense. I let him because I want him to. I want him to lock his lips with mine and capture me. His hand that isn’t holding mine goes to my face, cupping my cheek. He drops my hand (why) and cups my other cheek (oh) pressing down so deep I’m afraid it’ll bruise. I don’t care. I do the same.
He envelopes my cheeks in his hands and we’re kissing, refamiliarizing ourselves with each other’s mouths. It’s like I’m learning how to kiss for the first time again. Only because I haven’t kissed him in so long.
Don’t think about that. We’re kissing. That’s all that matters. Simon said he still loves me and that's all that matters.
“I’ll open up to you.” He mumbles against my lips. I kiss him again. And again and again. I'm making up for the kisses I missed. “I’m depressed.” He mumbles.
“I know love.”
“I need help.”
“We’ll get you help. We’ll do whatever to help you. I’ll help pull you from whatever tide is swallowing you.”
“I want to stay with you.”
“You’ll stay with me.” I kiss him.
“Yes. I’ll turn you into a vampire to ensure that really happens.” He laughs. He knocks his forehead against mine.
“Okay. Forever then."