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Dancing With Myself

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Baz

I’m dancing like no one is in the room

Well, no one is in the room with me. Bloody knows what mischief Snow has gotten himself in that he’s not in our room right now, but I simply can’t bring myself to care.

I had a fucking rough week and I needed to release some tension.

Well, I always need to release some tension while sharing a room with Snow and my undeniable attraction to him, but I’d rather die than let him know that (if I can even die. Christ, I mean, I know I can die with fire and shit, but like anything else I don’t think will kill me) (Simon Snow will kill me) (I know that much) (whether he does it by actually killing me or just by existing we’ll never know)

And I could just wank myself like any average hormonal teenage boy, but I needed something else. I needed something to make me free, and I haven’t listened to music this loud and moved my body in a way that isn’t a defensive tackle from another football player or simply turning my body away from Snow.

So I’m dancing.

My hands are moving, my legs are moving, I’m bobbing my head, my hair is all over my face. I’ve unbuttoned my shirt so the buttons keep swinging all over the place and accidentally bump into my arm but I don’t care. It slightly hurts but I’m too fixated on the song to care. My eyes are closed and I’m having a one-man party and nothing can stop me. No one can stop me. I’m gonna have a good day.

I’m so stuck on that that I don’t notice Snow open and close our door.

Simon

I don’t know what Baz is doing, but it involves music. I know what much. It’s loud. I don’t remember him having a speaker or stereo, which means that’s coming from his headphones. I hear it when I’m coming up the stairs to our room. Must be some magic thing.

Something must’ve happened for his music to be playing this loud. He wouldn’t let himself go like this when he knows I can burst in any moment. I almost consider not going in, to give him whatever time and space he needs.

Especially considering what happened last week.

Okay, it was kinda my fault. But he started it!

He kept bugging me about Agatha and our break up and he was aggravating me so much. And then I yelled at him “At least I got to kiss her, you’ll never get to kiss her.” And he laughed. But there was a snakiness to his laugh.

“As if I want to kiss her Snow. You must be really dense.” And then he stopped talking to me completely and got back to his work. I was left standing, confused.

“I-what does that even mean? I know you wanted us to break up so you could be with her, you’re always looking at her-“

“Jesus Snow. I don’t want to be with Agatha.”

“Then why were you always looking at us with this murderous look in your eye every time she took my hand or kissed my cheek or...” I trail off, trying to connect some dots.

“Come on Snow, I know you can get there.”

“Shut up! I don’t need your fucking shit right now I’m thinking.” I turn away from him, afraid that if I look at him, he’s going to be making a mocking face and I just can’t handle his face right now. His stupid face...

“That’s new. Snow, the Mage’s heir, thinking! Who would’ve thought.”

I’m ignoring him, still slowly piecing it together. I’m genuinely pacing back and forth.

If not Agatha, then...

“Me?”

“You what, Snow? Use your words.” He snarls. But I’m still going.

“You were jealous of our relationship, but not because I was dating Agatha. But because Agatha was dating me.” I turn to him. To his stupid (perfect) stupid face. His gray eyes are boring into mine. His fingers, long and always calculated, are shaking a bit. He runs his fingers through his hair after hearing what I say.

Baz blinks. Once. Twice. Then smiles. But not a real smile, I’ve only seen him smile once. And it was when he happened to walk by Penelope and I when I mentioned I broke up with Agatha.

“Merlin, what are you gonna do with that information now?”

“No Baz.”

“No what?”

“You don’t get to do this!”

“Do what?”

“Just dump on me that you never wanted Agatha in the first place! That-that-“

“That what Snow. Spit it out.” It sounds like a spell, but there’s nothing coursing through my body forcing me to spit it out.

“That you wanted me?” I didn’t realize that I had gotten close to him until I notice he’s tilting down to look at me. Curse his stupid height. Him being a vampire probably contributed to that. Lucky bastard.

“Wanted? As if I could ever get over you that easy. Want, Snow. Want, as in current, present tense.”

“Wha-if this is some sick prank-“

“Ah yes. Cause admitting to you that I’m in love with you is going to do me so many favors-“

I shut him up. I need to shut him up. My lips are on his before I know what I’m doing, and he’s responding before I even think about pulling away.

He’s aggressive with his kissing, it’s almost like fighting, but this is one of the most intimate things you can do.

Intimacy.

Never did I think I was going to get there with my great nemesis (Is he though?) I mean, we’re literally snogging and his hands are on my waist, pulling me closer to him. I instinctively wrap my arms around his neck, it feels right.

I suck on his bottom lip and he moans into my mouth and tightens his grip on my waist. He pulls away and we’re both breathing heavy. Some of his hair has fallen in front of his face. Some of mine too, but he brushes it away and the action is so domestic that it snaps me back to what’s happening.

“Baz-“ I start and he starts kissing my neck and my eyes flutter shut as I throw my head back, allowing him to kiss more of it (Crowley that feels good. Too fucking good) He could bite me right here, turn me into the monster he is.

But he’s not a monster. A monster wouldn’t be kissing me like this, no matter how much he says he hates me.

And a monster wouldn’t lick a stripe from my neck to my ear.

“Baz” I tried to say more affirmative, but it ends up coming out as a moan as he starts sucking on my earlobe. I’m enthralled, I’m rattled, I’m confused, but I want this to keep happening.

Then he pushes off.

I blink at him and he blinks at me.

“Baz...” I say gently, reaching towards him, but his body physically steps away from me and he bursts out the room.

So that’s what happened. And every since then, he hasn’t been sleeping here at night. I’ll accidentally catch him, grabbing some clothes or brushing his teeth, but I can’t even say his name before he’s out the door.

I mean, I get it. Well I don’t (I wish I did. I want to talk to him. I miss it. Even if our words were foul to each other, it was our routine and I miss it desperately) he admitted to me that he’s been in love with me for a while, how do I respond to that?

I don’t even know what I would say to him (But I do. I would say that I liked kissing him. That I’ve been thinking about kissing him the entire week he’s been ignoring me. That I would kill to be in his arms again, that I want him to kiss me like I’m his. Cause I am his. Whether he realizes it or not. He can take everything I am, cause I’ve been feeling like nothing without him)

I open the door, and he’s dancing. He has these headphones that are larger than my head on him and he’s bouncing, throwing his arms everywhere. His back is turned to me, but I can tell his shirt is unbuttoned.

He looks so beautiful, I almost don’t want to interrupt him.

Almost.

Baz

I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder. I don’t even bother caring who it is. I turn around and I regret it.

His blue stupid (beautiful) eyes are looking up at me. His stupid (beautiful) golden hair seems to have gotten longer, and it’s falling in front of his face. His stupid (beautiful) mouth is open, it’s like he never closes it. I mean, when you’re eating as much as he does, it makes sense.

I’m waiting for him to open his stupid (beautiful) mouth and say something stupid (but nothing he says is stupid. I mean, in context it might be stupid, but his voice is so pretty that I don’t even mind half of the time)

His mouth is moving but I can’t hear him. I pause my music and I try to look annoyed but in earnest, I missed his face. “Yes, Snow?”

“C-can I listen? W-with you, I mean. It sounds like a good song and I -“

“Shut up. This is my time for myself.” But despite that statement, I unplug the cord from my phone and I play the song I was dancing to. He smiles and then chuckles.

“I love this song.”

“I didn’t ask. Dance.”

“Okay.”

Oh, oh, dancing with myself

Oh, oh, dancing with myself

When there's nothing to lose, and there's nothing to prove

And I'm dancing with myself, oh, oh, uh-oh

He’s gotten close to me, just like he did last week, and without a heartbeat, or a thought, I wrap my arms around his waist. He’s radiating so much heat. His magic feels like a furnace that never dies, it just burns, hotter and hotter every damn day and goddamnit I want to be burned by Simon Snow.

One of his arms goes around my neck. The other is rubbing my bare stomach and I’ve died.

“Simon-“ it comes out before I process I’ve called him by his actual name.

“Shh. Please, let me...let me think and dance with you.”

“Multitasking never works for you, Snow.”

“You’ve called me Simon before, you can do it again.”

“When you figure out your thoughts-“

“I love you.”

What?

Simon

“Do you now? Don’t toy with me, Snow.” He says. He sounds stern, but also nervous.

I do. I do. I really do. Me constantly watching him was more than me just thinking he was plotting and going to murder me. I mean, that had a part. But I didn’t have to go to his football games. I didn’t have to follow him to the Catacombs every night I caught him going. I didn’t have to have him occur in my dreams every night. It was more than me trying to catch him plotting.

I wanted to be around him all those times.

I want to be around him at all times.

“Simon.” He snaps me back to reality. He’s looking at me and his face is unreadable. It’s so serious, he looks so scared, like I might be the one to break him (I won’t).

“I love you. I do. I didn’t realize it, I didn’t think it was a genuine attraction, I just thought I was obsessed with trying to catch you slip up and do something reckless so I can finally expose you but-“

“But what?”

“That doesn’t explain why I’m dancing here, with my arms wrapped around your neck, standing this close, wanting to kiss you.”

He blushes. The fucker actually blushes.

“Snow, I need to know you’re being serious. I...I don’t know what I’ll do if I find out you’re lying or playing a cruel sick joke on me-“

“Baz, I’ve never been more serious in my life. I fucking love you. I like you, I love you, I hate that I like and love you. You’re the most annoyingly attractive roommate anyone could ever ask for, and I didn’t ask for you, and yet here you are.”

“Here I am.”

“And here I am.” He smiles. It’s real this time. I know it. It reaches his eyes and he’s still blushing like a madman. He’s looking at me so deeply I might collapse (I kind of want to. I want him to catch me in his arms. Merlín, I'm so attracted to him)

He rests his head in the crook of my neck. I do the same. The song is upbeat and yet we’re swaying.

“I loved you for so long Snow, I thought it was going to kill me. It still might.” He whispers the last part.

I lean back a little so that I’m looking at him. “I have no intentions of causing you harm.”

“You could only do that by breaking up with me.” I smile. He widens his eyes and steps back, but my grip on his neck tightens.

“Oh, so we’re boyfriends now?”

“Crowley, I didn’t mean-“

“Yes, you did.”

He’s silent. He squeezes my waist and comes back to me.

“I’m not gonna break up with you.” I say. It’s laced with truth.

“That’s a big claim.”

“I’m gonna live up to it.”

A beat passes.

“You fucking better.” He says before he crashes his lips into mine.

Baz

Mine. He’s mine. Mine mine mine.

It’s as he’s heard my thoughts because he mumbles into the kiss- “Yours. All yours.”

The songs still playing but I’m not by myself anymore.