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Coming to terms with ourselves

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"I love you"
It was always interesting to Logan how 2 people can be so different from one another, not just their world view, but the way they walk, the way they move their hands even how they brush their teeth. And, most relevant to now, how they interpret what's been said to them. Patton was looking at him expectantly "oh, I love you too, Patton" Patton jumps with joy "really?" Logan frowns, they've been best friends for a long time now, why was he surprised? "Of course, you're the best friend I ever had, Patton" he says. Patton stops "what?" He sounds hurt, Logan frowns farther. Did he say something wrong? He just stated a fact, a fact Patton knows to be true. Tears form in the corner of his eyes "I...I waited so long to tell you" he says quietly "do...do you just see me as a friend? You never thought of me...I don't know, differently? As something more than a friend?" Logan doesn't understand...just a friend? For Logan, friends mean the world to him, but Patton makes it sound like something less meaningful...like being Logan's friend isn't enough for him. Logan takes Patton's hand "Patton, you're not just a friend...you're my best friend, you mean the world to me...is that not enough?" He tries to make Patton feel better, but it doesn't seem to work. Something changes in Patton's expresion, it becomes darker, harder "no, it's not...it's not enough...I want" his voice breaks "so much more and….I thought you wanted too" he pulls his hand away from Logan's grip "guess I was wrong" he says angrily. More? What more could he want? Patton gets up from the couch "Patton, what's wrong? Where are you going?" He tries to call after him but Patton's already at the door. He opens it then looks back at Logan, hurt written all over his face "I can't do this anymore, goodbye Logan" and with that, he leaves.

Logan stays frozen on the couch, what was that? He felt like he's missing something...why was Patton so upset? Logan knows he might not be the best at understanding others emotions, but he couldn't see how what he said could have hurt Patton like this. One thing he did know, Patton needs some space now, it will not do to chase him in his state. He will talk to him once he has calmed down, Logan looks down at the still warm 2 cups of tea and sighs. What was he missing? Patton texted him, saying he wants to talk to him about something, Logan suggested they'd meet at his apartment and Patton agreed. Logan made them both tea, they sat down and then...Patton said he loved him. The realization suddenly struck him, fool! Not platonic love! Romantic love! How did you not see that? He was trying to ask you out! Logan shakes his head, disappointed in himself, and he basically turned him down...no wonder he's upset...he'll probably never talk to him again...idiot! Logan pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration, why does love always have to complicate things? He never understood it, 2 people love each other...why is it so complicated? Logan takes the cups of tea to the sink and washes them, now what does he do? Can he maybe explain himself to Patton? He doubted Patton would understand though, sympathetic as he may be. He just wants things to go back to normal, how can 3 words change everything so quickly?

After he's finished with the dishes, his eyes lend on his wine collection, he could really use a drink right now. As he opens one of the bottles, the door slums open "sup dork? You in here?" He hears his roommate, Remus shout "I am" he answers "how's your bestie doing? You were meeting up today, right?" Remus asks as he enters the kitchen. But he stops as he sees Logan with the wine, his eyes turning concerned "did something happen?" He asks softly. Something in his tone causes Logan to tear up a bit "no, no. I'm fine" he tries to hold back the tears. Remus raises an eyebrow "you don't look fine, dorky. Wanna talk about it?" Logan shakes his head "there's nothing to talk about alright? I'll be fine. I appreciate your concern" he pours himself a glass and gulps it down with one swallow "wow there buddy! Slow down!" Remus takes the cup and bottle away from Logan "seems like there's a lot to talk about teach, why won't we sit and you can tell me everything?" Remus suggests. Logan can't take this anymore, he breaks down and starts to cry uncontrollably "I'm such an idiot, Remus! Just one big idiot!" He cries. Remus gently leads him to the couch "hey, that's not true. You're the smartest person I know" Logan sniffs "Remus, you know that's not saying much right?" Remus shakes his head "the point is, you're not stupid. Just tell me what happened" Logan takes a deep breath, then tells Remus everything "oh fuck, you're an idiot" says Remus "I am aware" says Logan. Remus seems to be considering something "hey teach, can I ask you something?" He says eventually "alright" "have you ever had a crush?" Asks Remus. Logan doesn't know what he was expecting, but it was not this "I don't think I understand" he frowns "just answer the question dork!" Logan thinks for a moment "actually...now that I think about it, I believe I haven't...is that normal? Statistically by now I should have had at least one" Remus nods "I think I get it" he says "get what?" Logan asks, Remus is making less sense than usual, which says a lot. "You know those books I like to read?" He says, Logan shudders "the gross errotic books?" He asks, Remus smiles wildly "those are the ones!" Logan grimaces "what's that got to do-" "so I have one about different sexuallities, and I think there's one you can really resonate with" Logan blinks "I'm sorry, what?" Remus knowing something from reading? That's a first "the Asexual Aromantic community!" He exclaims "the what?" What is happening right now? "They don't experience sexual or romantic attraction towards anyone!" Remus explains happily. Logan stops...that does sound like something that might fit him...it'll explain how he never really understood love or sex for that matter, how and why people do it. How do you just look at someone on the street and go like, I love that person? Or, I wanna have sex with them? Logan nods "I think you might be onto something, Remus, you're a genius!" He never thought he'd say that, Remus smiles "I know" he pets Logan's head and goes to his room.

Asexual Aromantic huh? That could be the answer! How come he never heard of this before? If he had known earlier...things might have turned up differently with Patton. Poor Patton...it's not his fault Logan can't love him like he wants to. Now that he might know the answer, maybe he can explain himself to Patton after things cool down a bit. He sighs, he hopes Patton would forgive him...he doesn't want to lose him, not like that. Despite that, Logan can't help but feel relieved. In truth, he sometimes thought there was something wrong with him, that everyone got an exclusive copy of a book he didn't have money to buy and were constantly referencing said book. Now he realizes he might just be reading a different book, thinks a bit differently, that's all, nothing wrong or broken about him. And it was Remus who helped him realize that...talk about surprises.

In his room, Logan sits in front of his desk and turns on his computer. Then he continues on doing what he always does when he doesn't understand something, research.
The more he reads, the more it becomes obvious, how could he have been so blind? The signs were all there, have he known to look for them! Logan sees it's not really his fault though, how could he have known if now is the first time he hears about such a thing? Still, to think about all the doubts and fears that could have been spared have he known...no use dwelling on the past, now he knows and that's what matters. He should focus on what to do next, what would he say to Patton? Would Patton even be willing to talk to him? Logan sighs again, he feels so bad for what he did, he doesn't know what to do with himself. He looks at his bookshelf, thinking distracting himself might be best for now, given the fact he can't do anything about Patton in the moment. He picks up his comfort book and begins to read, for a time, Logan gets lost in the book, forgetting his worries and problems. But then comes a scene that brings everything back, a romantic scene between 2 characters, which reminds him of his recent encounter with Patton. Granted, this one has turned out better than that, but still. He closes the book and sighs, it's not only the reminder of Patton that bothers him, it's his recent revelation about being...aroace? He thinks it's called? Before that, while not experiencing any of these feelings, he imagined he would someday fall in love after he met "the one" and then everything would click. He'll understand what all the fuss is all about, get married, have/adopt kids...now that vague vision is gone...now he knows it's not possible for him to experience that magical feeling everyone is talking about and that's described in this scene in the book. He read this book a thousand times, nothing's really different now, but everything's different at the same time. Logan looks up at the ceiling, this all too much for one day, he should get some rest...maybe tomorrow everything will be clearer.