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The Hated Childe Becomes a Princess

Summary:

Childe was hated by his family in Liyue. But that didn’t change the fact that he was way hotter than everyone he lived with.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter 1: Childe is Born on the Cold Carpet

Chapter Text

“Who do you think will wake up first honey?”

“The one on the left.”

“Oh ew- You mean the one I kidnapped?”

“You what?”

“Oh- It’s nothing dear-”

“Hm. Alright.”

The baby on the left side of the cold stone hard carpet was the first to wake up. As he fluttered his eyes open, beautiful sea blue eyes were revealed for his parents to see and admire. Anger rushed through his mother, clearly upset that the baby on the right side of the carpet didn’t awake first.

“Did that hideous child wake up before the gorgeous one on the right? How disrespectful!”

“Honey be nice-”

“The child i kidnapped can’t be better than my biological one!”

“What?”

“Oh- It’s nothing dear-”

“Hm. Alright.”

The baby on the right finally awoke, immediately crying. When it opened its eyes, chocolate brown was revealed. This baby had clearly taken the features of its parents eye color unlike the one on the left.

“Wowwwwwwwwwww!!!!!! The baby on the right is so pretty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Their mother spoke with over exaggerated proud in her voice.

“Yeah, the baby on the right is pretty. But the baby on the left is pretty too.”

“The one I kidnapped is ugly, shut up.”

“What?”

“Oh- It’s nothing dear-”

“Hm. Alright.”

The blue eyed child on the left looked over at his father.

“Ew why is that fetus looking at you?” His mother asked, disgusted by her child’s actions.

“Relax hun, he’s communicating with the species he shares the environment with.”

The two parents exchanged looks for a long silent moment.

“Daddy! Mommy!” The blue eyed baby on the left cheered happily, giggling with his words.

“How did that ugly child learn to speak before my gorgeous one on the right!” His mother yelled, anger unleashed.

“Both children are gorgeous.”

“The one I kidnapped isn’t!”

“What?”

“Oh- It’s nothing dear.”

“Hm. Alright.”

The baby on the right with brown eyes made an angry growl before she began to speak.

“Goo goo wowwy! Ga ga wawwy!” The brown eyed child giggled. Her english skills were very poor at such a young age. A shame truly.

‘Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!! My gorgeous biological child can speak so well!! But- How dare that blue eyed fetus speak better than her!” Their mother raised a fist before punching the baby on the left.

The blue eyed baby on the left cried on instinct, before scratching his own face so hard that he bled, trying to make his mother’s punch seem far worse.

“Honey! How could you harm your own child like that!” The children’s father yelled, angry at his wife’s actions.

“B-but- I didn’t hit him that hard!” Their mother cried, using her most innocent and distressed voice. Her fearful expression only made her husband angrier.

“If you punch my son one more time I’m leaving.”

“But honey-”

“Don’t but honey me. I’m serious dear.”

“Al-alright honey..” Their mother frowned.

The two adults looked down at their children with smiles, as if their conversation never happened.

“What should we name them?” Their father asked.

“Hm. Let’s name the one on the right with the brown eyes Bertha,” their mother replied, pleased with her choice of name.

“And the one on the right with the blue eyes?” Her husband asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Hm let’s see-” The children’s mother paused. “How about Childe?”

“Child?”

“No! Childe! With an e at the end!”

 

“Ohhh. I see, that makes sense. Such a unique name!”

Childe and Bertha. The two children were given the horrible blessing of living amongst this Earth, awaiting the day for death. Surprisingly, neither of their names were traditionally Liyuen like their parents.

“Oh! Honey, I’m afraid I’ll have to leave for work. I have an important meeting today with my boss. Take care, make sure to feed Childe! And Bertha too- I guess,” Their father shrugged. Quickly, he reached over to kiss his wife on the cheek before getting up to leave for work.

Once their mother was sure her husband had left, she looked over at her children.

“Alright Bertha! Now that your other parent is gone we’re going shopping!”

She then looked at Childe.

“Oh right. Your stupid brother has to come along. If he’s alone in the house I’ll get arrested by the Millelith. I already have a bounty on my head in Snezhnaya- don’t need another one here,” She sighed.

“Now it’s time to get the both of you changed! Bertha first!”

Their mother changed Bertha into only the most beautiful of all clothing. A hot pink dress complete with ruffles and puffed sleeves, causing Bertha to look just as a princess in those Disney movies would. Her mother went as far as placing a plastic crown on Bertha’s tiny bald head. As for shoes, Bertha wore cherry red high heels.

“My gorgeous newborn is so gorgeous! Absolutely stunning! If only your father could see how beautiful you are now!” The children’s mother proudly spoke. She then noticed her other child, Childe, on the floor, waiting to be dressed.

“Right, you. I won’t risk losing my husband’s wallet today.”

Childe was soon wearing a trash bag with a huge hole for his head. He had to make his own holes if he wanted his arms to have some space. He didn’t get a plastic crown, or any shoes, not even socks. Only a sad little trash bag.

“Mommy...I’m only 27 minutes old...w-why can’t I wear pretty princess clothes like Bertha?” The blue eyed baby asked, choking back his tears.

His mother groaned. “Because I hate you and you’re ugly and you’re not my biological child.”

“What?”

“Nothing- I said nothing.”

“Oh..”

Childe held his head low in a sad action. He wished he could wear clothes like Bertha wore. Maybe at the mall he could get himself pretty prince clothes.

His mother picked up his sister before walking out of the room.

“Come walk your ass outside, I’m not picking you up!” His mother called as she walked downstairs. Childe of course, immediately came running out of the room to meet up with his mother.

Chapter 2

Summary:

Childe and Bertha go to the mall to buy clothes. The both of them celebrate their first 2 hours and 53 minutes of being born.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

It took 2 hours to arrive at the mall. It really wasn’t that far, but the children’s mother wanted to stop at McDonalds to celebrate Bertha’s first hour of being born. The celebration had taken an awful long time. To boot, Childe didn’t get anything to eat at McDonalds. Not even a happy meal. Just stealing a crumb was hard enough for him.

At the mall, their mother had immediately taken both 2 hour and 32 minute year old babies to a clothing store.

“Wommy! I want this dress!” Bertha yelled as she dramatically waved a big poofy pastel pink dress. It was way too big for her, her mother’s fault for not taking her to the kids clothing store first.

“Anything for you dear! How much does it cost?” Her mother asked.

“I can’t read.”

Childe made the mistake of snatching the dress out of Bertha’s hands.

“Give it back!” Bertha screamed so loudly at her brother that the whole mall heard her. The Millelith didn’t like that.

“It says it’s 20,000 mora,” Childe said before aggressively throwing the dress at Bertha.

“How can you read before my gorgeous child can!” His mother spoke with an angry tone in her voice.

“Mommy I am your child.”

“Why did I name you Childe? I hate you.”

“I hate you too.”

His mother was about to punch Childe right then and there until the Millelith arrived at the scene.

“What was that horrible screaming? Ma’am what are you doing to that child?” One of them asked, pointing his taser at her. The moment Bertha saw the taser she screamed so loudly, the entire mall could hear her again.

“Ah so that was the source. Problem solved boys. Anyway, let’s hurry up and go to Denny’s!”

The Millelith were gone just like that. They completely forgot about Childe.

The children's mother let out a sigh of relief.

“Look what you did, Childe! You could’ve gotten me arrested! Anyway, Bertha let’s hurry up and buy your dress so we can go to another store!”

Childe watched as his mother took Bertha to the counter to pay. He couldn’t believe his mother completely forgot about hitting him just like that. But now that she was distracted, Childe had an idea.

Knowing how stupid his mother was, the blue eyed baby snatched “her” wallet out of her back pants pocket and took out a handful of mora. While he was at it, he snatched “her” credit card too. It wasn’t a crime if he was only 2 hours and 47 minutes old and never got caught.

Finally, Childe’s family members finished paying for the dress. His mother was too stupid to notice that she was not only missing her husbands card, but also part of her husbands mora. But hey, she still had her ex-husbands card to pay with.

“Alright Bertha, where would you like to go next?”

“There!” Bertha pointed to Claire’s.

“Of course sweetie,” Her mother carried Bertha all the way over to Claire’s. Childe had to walk as always. He didn’t get special treatment like Bertha. But at least he knew how to walk.

The moment Childe entered Claire’s, he wanted to step out. Disgusting unicorn headbands were all over the place and he didn’t like it.

“Hi! Welcome to Claire’s! Would you like to get your ears pierced?” A girl with twin drill hair asked. Her quirky name tag read, “Hello my name is Barbara.”

“I want my ears pierced Wommy!” Bertha demanded.

“Of course you can get your ears pierced sweetheart!” Her mother replied before looking at Barbara. “Er- how much does it cost?”

Childe looked like he was about to shit himself.

“It’s completely free ma’am. Didn’t you read the sign outside?” Barbara asked.

“There was a sign?”

“Yes.”

“You should put it in a more noticeable area.”

Barbara could already sense Karen vibes from this woman and she didn’t like it.

“Ma’am, the sign is right next to the door when you walk in.”

“Who ever looks next to the door?”

 

“Anyone who can notice a dark purple poster with big white letters.”

Childe was very close to shitting himself.

“Ma’am your child looks sick.”

“He’s perfectly healthy. He was born 2 hours and 53 minutes ago.”

“Yes but-”

“Bertha let’s celebrate your first 2 hours and 53 minutes of breathing by getting your ears pierced!”

“Yay!” Bertha cheered.

“And your other child who is also 2 hoursand 53 minutes old? Will he get his ears pierced too?” Barbara asked.

“No.”

“Why not?”

 

“Because he’s ugly and nt even my real child.”

“What?” Childe asked before Barbara could.

“Oh- Nothing. I said nothing.”

Barbara only sighed. “I didn’t understand a single word you said but that’s a horrible excuse ma’am. Both of your kids will get their ears pierced and that’s final. I have a water gun and I’m not afraid to shoot you.”

The children’s mother was now beginning to fear Barbara.

“Fine! Get his ears pierced! But Bertha has to go first! And she needs the prettiest earrings you have!”

 

“If you don’t want the basic earrings we use here then you’ll have to pay 6,000 mora per earring.”

“I’ll pay, just hurry up!”

Barbara sighed again before going to get a screwdriver and a needle. She was going to pierce Bertha’s ears with a screwdriver. The needle was a cool kids only thing and Childe qualified as a cool kid, even though he wore a trash bag

“Alright kiddo, stand still while I stab your ear.”

 

Bertha was terrified of Barbara.

Barbara immediately stabbed Bertha’s ear with the screwdriver, ignoring her loud screams and crying. She did the same with her other ear, but just as aggressive. The sandy blonde had no shame.

“How dare you harm my child!” The children’s mother shouted.

“You were the one who asked,” Barbara shrugged. “Now go along and pick some earrings.”

Bertha pointed to golden heart shaped earrings. They glimmered behind the glass case as the ceiling light shined on it.

Barbara sighed as she went to go get the earrings from behind the counter. She threw the box they were in directly at Bertha’s face. A shame she hasn’t gotten a raise yet.

“Alright, now it’s the blue eyed kids turn!” She smiled happily as if she never destroyed Bertha’s ear.

“Can I only get one ear pierced?” Childe asked.

“My how excellent English skills you have there, little one! Of course you can!” Barbara answered as she got out the needle.

She gently pushed the needle threw Childe’s ear, slowly pushing it through so that he wouldn’t cry, not that he would anyway. After all, Childe was too cool for that.

“Done!” What earring would you like kiddo?” The sandy blonde asked.

Childe pointed to a red dangly earring. It wasn’t as shiny as the one Bertha chose, but it looked like something a cool kid would wear, and Childe was a cool kid.

Barbara smiled as she left to go behind the counter to grab the earring. Once she returned, she gently placed the earring on Childe’s ear.

“Thank you!” Childe giggled like the stupid 3 hour year old he was.

Barbara smiled at Childe before looking over at his mother, immediately frowning once she made eye contact with her.

“Please pay up now ma’am.”

The children’s mother took out her wallet and threw a few handfuls of mora at Barbara.

“Thank you for shopping at Claire’s! The Millelith will be after you shortly ma’am! Have a horrible day!” Barbara happily said. The Millelith were already on their way.

“Shit- Bertha we have to go!” Their mother dragged Bertha out of the shop.

Childe just stood there. He looked at Barbara one last time, smiled at her, before running out of Claire’s and going to a random clothing shop.

Inside the shop were dresses that came in his size. Perfect. Childe could finally get pretty princess clothes like Bertha!

The blue eyed baby practically raided the store. The credit card had 120,007 mora, which was plenty to spend on clothes. The handful he grabbed was only 4,036 mora, which wouldn’t get him much.

Soon Childe was in a pretty pastel blue lolita style dress. Complete with bows and everything. He even got socks. Perfectly white socks. He was so happy! He finally could wear pretty princess clothes like Bertha! He prayed his mother wouldn’t get rid of his new clothes.

Childe left the store with 2 bags full of clothes and socks. He didn’t care for shoes, he just wanted socks. The boy ran all around the mall, searching for his mother and sister. He didn’t know the way back home.

The moment Childe had reached Hot Topic, he heard his mother calling his name. He didn’t want to go back to her so soon, since Hot Topic looked interesting, but he decided to approach her anyway.

‘Where were you? If you were seen wandering alone the Milelith would have a second reason to arrest me! How dare you put me at risk!” She yelled at the 3 hours and 30 minute old baby.

“Hurry up! We’re going home right now. The Millelith are right there-” His mother fearfully spoke. She picked up bertha and ran for the exit of the mall, Childe following behind. Another day of escaping the Millelith for his mother. What crimes will she commit the next day?

Notes:

U h
So basically the Millelith are like the police in Liyue thus why they have tasers
Same goes for Mondstadt but the Knights are the police in there
I need jesus

Chapter 3: 🚶♂️

Summary:

Childe's mom makes a big uh oh. What will his dad do?

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

“Honey, I’m home!” A familiar voice called. It was the children’s father who had finally returned home from work, the time now being 8 PM. Childe was currently locked in the bathroom. Why? Because he cried when his sister had slapped him.

The children’s mother ran downstairs. “Welcome home sweetheart! Did you get me my paycheck?” She immediately greeted her husband.

“I got 12,083 mora today. Also, where’s Childe? I got him a special present today which consumed my entire paycheck.”

“Wait- you wasted my money on that disgrace of a child?”

“Yes, now where is he?”

“He’s uh- he’s staying at a friends house.”

“I thought we agreed on no sleepovers until 18 hours and 37 minutes old?”

“Yes but he was so excited. I had to let him go.”

“Honey, we signed a contract that said you would agree to all of my rules. Be serious or else Rex Lapis will make you feel the wrath of rock. Where is Childe?” The husband asked with a far more serious tone. His voice deep and echoing.

“Oh shit- Um. He’s asleep in his room. I’m sorry for lying my love,” the children’s mother answered.

 

“It’s alright dear. Now a rock won’t kill you in your sleep. Anyways, I had taco bell for lunch. I need to take a huge dump,” Her husband quickly shifted towards the stairs.

“No!” His wife grabbed his arm. “You can’t go in there!”

 

“And why not?”

“Because- I took a huge dump earlier- and um.. It’s really stinky, you don’t want to go in there.”

“I’m used to the smell of your shit every morning, I’ll be fine.”

“No! It’s even worse this time-”

The children’s father yoinked his wife off of his arm before going upstairs to the bathroom door.

“Honey why is the door locked?”

“Because I didn’t want the smell to enter the whole house.”

The children’s father brutally kicked and punched open the door until it broke open. The door fell on Childe, bonking him. His father picked up the door and threw it into the bathtub before looking right down at Childe.

“Childe?”

“Hi daddy.”

“Wife, it’s time we end our other contract!” His father yelled. His soon to be ex wife stared at the stairs nervously.

A few moments later, the whole family was in the kitchen.

“You’re the one who assigned the prenup, that means 22 million mora goes to me,” Said the children’s mother.

“I’m the one who owns the house, so I get to keep it.”

“I’m the one without a job, I'm the stay at home mom who needs the house. If you leave Childe alone all day you’ll get arrested. You can’t have that.”

“That makes sense. I guess you get the house and my money. Haha fuck-”

The children’s father grabbed a lighter and burned the wedding contract.

“I’m sorry Childe. Here’s the gift I got you earlier today. Don’t let your mother burn it. In 16 years when you take a transformation class, you’ll need this. It’s called a delusion. It helps,” His father said, choking back tears as his emo phase was about to start again.

Childe took the gift from his father. “Thank you daddy. I’ll kill Bertha if mommy does.”

“No Childe, violence is unacceptable.”

“But- the lady at the mall who pierced Bertha’s ears was using violence.”

“That’s because Bertha is a bitch.”

Childe began laughing uncontrollable once he heard the word bitch.

“Childe no. The b word is not an ok thing to say. I only said that word because it was facts and I’m an adult.”

“Sorry daddy. I won’t say bad words until I’m 18 hours old.”

 

“Good. Now goodbye sonny...I love you.”

“I love you too daddy.”

The two both stared at each other in silence. Both of them were entering their emo phases.

“Ok just give me my money and the house keys and then leave. I liked Tommy more anyway,” The children’s mother said.

“Who?”

“Tommy. Way hotter.”

The children’s father sighed.

“You know what? I’ll do you one last favor. I’ll head to the grocery store for you. We’re out of milk anyway. Childe do you prefer almond, coconut, or cow?”

“Goat.”

“A wise choice.”

The children’s father threw the house keys and a safe at his ex wife. Who knew he could fit a safe up his ass.

“Here’s your stuff. Anyway, goodbye, I hate you. Childe, goodbye, I love you.”

And with that, the children’s father left. Childe tried so hard not to cry. In his 12 hours and 17 minutes of existing, he’s never felt so sad before. But atleast he had that mask thingy.

“Don’t forget the milk!” The blue eyed baby called out just a moment before the door shut.

The children’s mother stared at her children for a long silent moment.

“Alright kids! Your dad’s gone forever, time for bed!”

Notes:

smh no bertha content in this chapter
poor childe aint ever gonna get milk

Chapter 4

Summary:

Childe and Bertha go to school for the first time. Kindergarten can't be so bad, right?

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

5 years have passed since Childe’s and Bertha’s dad left. Childe was very upset. To this day he awaits his never to be seen goat milk. Poor Childe......if only he knew…

Today was Childe’s first day of Kindergarten, and he and Bertha just arrived at school together.

“You better not make me look like a loser at school!” Bertha threatened the blue eyed kid.

“Yes sister.”

“Good. Now go be dumb or something while I go on a date with Micheal!” Bertha said before running off. Her extremely messy brown hair chasing behind her.

Childe sighed before entering the door. Maybe this was the path of becoming a pretty princess.

A few minutes later, Childe, Bertha, and a ton of other fetuses were all sitting behind circular tables. Each table had 4 or 5 chairs. Three tables were spread around the room, two tables on either side and one in the middle. There was just enough space left for the huge ABC’s carpet.

Childe was amazed, but extremely extremely extremely scared. There were more than twenty child fetuses breathing the same air as him in the same confined space as him, this was not ok for his emo phase.

Childe was assigned to sit at the table in the far left corner where nobody could see him. Meanwhile Bertha was at the middle table. She was in the center of the class, and her whole table, including the fetuses from other tables, were giving her attention.

Childe stared at the other kids sitting at his table. There were only 2 of them, which was weird since there were 4 seats. Maybe someone was absent? What a pussy.

“Hi,” Childe said.

“Hey loser,” a purple haired kid who sat across from him said. He was wearing a really big and ugly hat. What kind of 5 year old wears that kind of thing? No taste.

Childe read the kids name tag. Scootermouse? What was this kids parents thinking when naming their child?

“Your name’s ugly,” Childe replied. He showed no shame.

The girl sitting next to Childe cackled.

“I’ll call you a bad word!” Scootermouse yelled at Childe.

"Which one?"

“The b word.”

“You have no taste in bad words, Scaramouche. The b word is for normies like you,” The girl next to Childe said.

“I thought his name was Scootermouse,” Childe replied before reading the girl's name tag. Signora. Ooo that’s spanish. Or Italian.

“How did you read that?” Signora asked.

“His name tag was upside down, I couldn’t read it.”

“Understandable.”

The two then looked at Scaramouche, who looked like he was about to murder someone. The purple haired fetus took out a pair of hot pink scissors and held them out.

“The next time you say my wrong, I’m going to kill you!” He yelled. How has the teacher not noticed such a dangerous act of violence?

Childe stared at the scissors. “Scootermouse.”

Signora stared at Childe. She was not impressed by this ginger haired fetus’ choices.

Scaramouche was a man of his word. Being the short stack he was, he stood up, bent over, and stabbed Childe’s arm as aggressively as he could.

Childe didn’t even flinch. Signora stared at him again, she was still not impressed,

“That’s nothing compared to how Bertha threw me out the window last night.”

“Bertha? As in the ugly girl in the middle that everyone loves?” Scaramouche asked, dropping his scissors on his shoe.

“Yeah, that Bertha. She’s sadly my sister.”

“You too look nothing alike,” Signora said as she took out a bag of cheetos from her book bag.

“Woah what the bad word are those orange things?” Childe fearfully looked at her cheetos.

“Have you never seen a bag of chips before? What kind of poopy household are you from?”

“A very bad one.”

“That makes sense.”

“Can I have a chip?” Childe asked.

“No.”

“But sharing is caring!”

“No.”

“Don’t even try ginger kid, Signora’s a huge b word,” Scaramouche said as he took out a bag of fritos. Fucking fritos.

“Ew.”

“Shut the bad word up.”

“Ew.”

“I’ll run you over with my dad’s lamborjini if you don’t shut the bad word up.”

“You have a dad?” Childe asked.

“You don’t?”

“He went to get goat milk. And he burned a paper he had with my mom.”

“Wow my dad did the same thing,” Signora said as she finished her bag of cheetos. This teacher needed glasses.

“Really?”

“Yeah, but without the paper. 5 years ago, when I still lived in Snezhnaya, I was only 18 hours and-”

“What’s Snezhnaya?” The ginger asked.

“It’s a really cold place.”

“Wow.”

“There’s a king and a queen there. There used to be a prince but he got kidnapped by some liyeuan one day. Nobody knows where he is now. Probably somewhere at Target.”

“Wow.”

“Every nation has royalty, Signora, you’re not special,” Scaramouche grumbled.

“I’m special, I got snow everyday.”

“What’s snow?” Childe asked.

“Have you never been outside before?”

“A few times.”

“You should sneak out one day. It’s fun,” Signora advised.

“Thanks, I’ll try that out.”

Scaramouche loudly ate his fritos as he third wheeled.

“Anyways, wanna bully Bertha during freetime and lunch? She’s ugly,” Signora asked.

“Sure- wait no- poop. I can’t. If I do, she’ll tell our mom.”

“You’re a poopy head then.”

“No I’m not!” Childe protested. He would not let this Snezhnayan woman call him a poopy head.

“Then go punch her in the face right now.”

“Bet.”

Childe immediately got up from his seat and approached Bertha. There she was, ugly brown hair and everything. There she was, busy laughing and snorting like a pig as she talked about her new 500k silver shoes.

“Bertha…”

“Who are you? You're ugly, get away from me!” Bertha screamed. She tried keeping her cool kid act. Acting like she didn’t know Childe wasn’t gonna work as easily as she thought.

“I’m not sorry,” Childe immediately punched Bertha right in the face. He had been way too rough and accidentally smashed out a few teeth. Her nose bled too.

“What the f word Childe! I’m telling mom what you did! Teacher!!!!!!!!”

Uh oh. Childe was in a pickle.

“Ew you’re related to that guy?” One kid asked.

“He sits at the normie kids table!” Another one said. Scaramouche pulled out his scissors once he heard normie.

In a matter of seconds, the teacher came running over to Bertha’s table. She looked at Bertha's injury first, acting oh so sorry for her. Once she was sure Bertha was fine, she sent her and one of the child fetuses at her table to the nurses office.

Childe was really fucked now.

“Childe,” The teacher began. “How dare you hurt such a beautiful girl like Bertha! I’m making a phone call to your mother right now! And, I’ll give you 3 months worth of detention just for that! You’ll be missing your lunch time from now on. Go sit in the corner until it’s circle time!” The teacher pointed to an empty spot in the corner. There was a sign that said “loser’s corner.” Perfect for Childe.

As the ginger walked to the loser’s corner, he looked at Signora and Scaramouche. Both of them were clapping excessively, as well as cheering for him. On a piece of paper Signora had, it read: “Congrats, you're not a poopy head.” Childe felt better now.

For the rest of the day, Childe sat in the corner. He went to the principal's office during lunch, but for the rest of the day he did nothing but sit still and look like a loser for the entire class to laugh at.

Finally, it was circle time.

As the teacher called everyone to the carpet, Childe finally went to go sit there. He sat on the letter V. He thought V looked nice. Meanwhile Signora and Scaramouche sat on P and Q. A few letters away from Childe, but not by much. Bertha was basic and sat on B. Little did she know that that letter stood for bitch.

“Ok class, today we’ll be discussing our wishes and dreams,” the teacher said.

“Why?” A random kid asked.

“So that in the future when you see everything you ever wanted get crushed before your eyes, you have someone who atleast knew what your failed life goal was.”

“Oh ok!”

“So anyways, what does everyone want to be when they grow up?”

“A doctor!”

“A singer!”

 

“A doctor!”

“A pimp!” Scaramouche shouted over the other child fetuses.

“A doctor!”

“A model!” Bertha screamed.

“A doctor!”

“A train!”

“An airplane!”

“A dog!”

“A doctor!”

“A serial killer,” Signora said like a normal person. A few kids screamed in fear.

“A doctor!”

“A doctor”

“A pretty princess!” Childe happily shouted.

All conversation stopped. Soon enough, the whole class broke into laughter.

“I’m the only kid here who can be a pretty princess! I’m not ugly like you!” Bertha said.

“Yeah! You’re ugly!” Another kid joined in.

“A doctor!”

“You look like a carrot!”

“And you’re ugly!”

“And mom doesn’t love you!” Bertha shouted.

Childe didn’t know what to think anymore. He stared at Scaramouche and Signora, thinking they’ll say something.

“He’s looking at the normie kids again! Ewww!”

 

“Normie! Normie! Normie! Normie! Normie!”

 

“How is this supposed to hurt me?” Childe asked.

“It just does!”

“How?”

“Because it does! Now hurry up and cry so we can laugh at you!”

Childe stood up from the letter V he sat on.

“Look, he's going to cry now!” Someone called out.

Childe threw a chair at the fetuses. All of them began to scream and cry. The blind and deaf as hell teacher got off her phone and looked at Childe.

“How dare you-”

Childe threw a chair at her. She also screamed and cried.

Signora and Scaramouche stared at all the crying fetuses. Childe took this opportunity to make his grand escape. He dashed for the exit and immediately ran outside of his school, hiding somewhere in the parking lot.

Childe’s first day of school wasn’t that bad. He finally got to punch Bertha and commit violent acts. He loved today.

Notes:

Normie
I have no regrets making scaramouches life goal to be a pimp, he can do it

Chapter 5: Childe Gets Grounded

Summary:

Childe apparently stole the love of Bertha's life. What will Childe end up in this time?

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The moment Childe stepped inside his home, he was immediately greeted by a sobbing Bertha and his angry mother. Now he wished he had entered through the window by his room.

“Childe! How dare you ruin Bertha’s day at school and steal her boyfriend, Scaramouche!” His mother yelled.

“Ew Scaramouche. Bertha, you don’t want to date him. He eats fritos,” Childe tried so hard to hold back his laughter. Scaramouche, fucking Scaramouche. Why would Bertha like a purple haired frito eater with a weird hat like him?

“Yes I do! He eats fritos because he's unique! I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Scaramouche!!!!!!!!!!” Bertha sounded very dreamily as she talked about Scaramouche.

Scaramouche. Out of all people, why Scaramouche? The ginger was wasting braincells just thinking about how the heck Bertha had a crush on Scaramouche. Did Jeremy turn her down? Did James call her ugly? Did Brian scare her? Wait no- Brian was the absent kid who sat at his table, he couldn’t have done anything. But Brain did sound pretty cute though-

“Bertha, Scaramouche literally threatens people with scissors. How do you like him?” The gorgeous blue eyed fetus asked.

“Because- Uh- Uh- Poopy!”

“You don’t even have a real reason.”

“Shut up!” Childe’s mother began. “Childe, put on the cat ears and get the broom, you’re grounded! Clean the whole house right now!”

“No.”

“What did you say?”

 

“I said no. I’m not putting on stupid cat ears. Those are all Bertha’s.”

“Shit- you've got a point there. Go put on a maid dress and get to work!”

 

“Yes!” Childe ran upstairs to go put on his favorite maid dress. He loved wearing that thing. He thought he looked like a pretty princess in it.

Soon enough, Childe came running downstairs in his maid dress. He hated cleaning but his maid dress made it ok. He grabbed the broom from the kitchen and began sweeping.

“Ugh, my punishments aren’t harsh enough. Bertha, what should we do my sweet sweet baby precious queen pretty princess angel gorgeous beautiful beauty baby sweet nice kind pretty cute child?”

“Let’s beat him up!”

“Great idea! But too basic.”

“Let’s beat him up!” Bertha again suggested.

“What an amazing idea! Let’s do that!”

Bertha and her mother immediately went towards Childe. The ginger paid no attention to his family. Instead, he continued to sweep. He was way too focused on cleaning.

Bertha jumped at Childe, tackling him and forcing him down to the floor. The ginger ended up falling broom first, then head.

“Ow what the frick was that for?” Childe angrily asked Bertha as she began to punch him repeatedly on the back. She was very weak, so Childe barely felt a thing.

“Don’t you dare use that tone with my child, Childe!” His mother shouted.

“I hate my name so much.”

“I hate it too.”

Childe pushed Bertha off of him before grabbing his broom and standing up.

“OWIE!! Mommy Childe hurt me!” Bertha cried out fake tears.

“How dare you do that to my beautiful daughter you-”

Before Childe’s mother could finish her sentence, Childe already bonked her on the head with full force. The woman screamed as she fell to the ground, holding tightly onto her head. She wasn’t even bleeding. Such a weakling.

“Holy frick- I hit my mom with a broom. Is this- Was I- Oh no- I’m going to get grounded for life aren’t I? But that was so fun! I want to do it again,” Childe snickered as he bonked his mother one last time.

Bertha was now screaming and crying very loudly, even louder than the children's mother, and she was very loud. Like white girl loud. This was not ok for Childe’s eardrums.

Childe, seeing no other option, bonked Bertha too. She only screamed louder.

He bonked her again. An even louder scream.

“Shut the frick up.”

“You hurt me! I’m telling mommy! You’re gonna be in so much trouble! I miss Micheal!”

Micheal? Childe remembered that that was the boy Bertha went out with this morning.

“I’m telling Scaramouche you cheated on him!”

 

“No!”

“He’ll stab you with scissors everyday now!”

“No!”

“And torture you by eating fritos infront of you!”

“No! Stop it! Mommy!”

The children's mother finally got up from the ground. Uh oh. Looks like Childe’s in a pickle.

“Childe,” His mother began. “You’re grounded until you turn 6. Bertha’s also getting your birthday cake.”

Childe gasped as Bertha cheered. Until he was 6? But that was a whole year away! And he won’t even get to eat cake. Childe was so disappointed, his birthday was the only day he ever got to eat cake.

“Y-yes mother…”

“Good. Now go finish cleaning the house! Or else I’ll extend it to when you turn 7!”

“Yes ma’am…”

“A better choice of words I see. Don’t ever refer to me as your mother again you disgrace. Why didn’t I let your father take you?”

“Y-yes ma’am…”

“Now hurry up and clean! Then I want you to go to your room and think about what you did!”

Childe was now in tears.

“Yes ma’am…”

“Anyway, Bertha let’s go shopping together while Childe cleans!”

“Yay! I’m going to buy pretty clothes!”

“Yep! You’re getting everything you want!” The children’s mother then shifted to Childe. “By the time me and your sister return, this house it better be completely cleaned up or else you’ll be grounded until you’re 8. Understand?”

“Y-y-yes ma’am...I understand.”

 

“Good. Anyways, let's hurry up and leave this loser Bertha!”

A few minutes later, Childe’s family had left the house, and now Childe was scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush. He hated life. Another wonderful day for Childe.

Notes:

Damn Childe
Juicy Bertha content ayy

Chapter 6: Childe Finally Meets hHis First Proper Love Interest

Summary:

Childe bumps into a hottie at school. What will he do?

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

9 years have passed since Childe and Bertha’s first day of Kindergarten. Elementary and Middle School hadn’t been so good for Childe, he was completely unable to fulfill his dream of becoming a pretty princess there, but this time things were different. Today was Childe and Bertha’s first day of highschool. Was this finally the path for Childe to become a pretty princess?

Childe, Scaramouche, Signora, and Bertha all walked together. Usually it would just be Childe and Bertha, but Bertha desperately wanted Scaramouche to accompany her. So of course, Signora came too. She just had to watch Bertha act all sweet and cheesy with Scaramouche.

“Oooo Scaramouche! You’ll cause so many fights for me, right?” Bertha asked as she clung tightly onto Scaramouche’s arm, nearly knocking over his hat. The purple haired was completely annoyed.

“You’re going to stab so many people with scissors for me, won’t you sweetheart? Oh I just love an Inazuman who can physically harm people!”

Signora and Childe were trying their best not to laugh at Bertha. They would use this as blackmail for Scaramouche forever. Both Childe and Signora had been recording the audio too. Scaramouche was in a pickle.

“Bertha if you don’t shut the fuck up I’ll-” Scaramouche was interrupted by none other than Bertha herself.

“It makes me so happy to hear you try to threaten me, hehe.”

“I could literally slaughter you right now, why are you happy?” This was not good for Scaramouche’s anger issues.

“Because I would rather die by your hands than anyone else, I love you Scaramouche!”

Childe died right on the spot. His laughter was uncontrollable.

“Hey! Stop laughing at me!” Scaramouche growled as he stopped in his tracks before turning to face Childe. Bertha hid behind him. She was happy to see Scaramouche getting into fights, because she loved to see just how strong he really was, but she was also very angry because Childe started it.

“I already recorded the whole thing, so did Signora. Infact, Signora has the audio saved on her Samsung, Iphone11, and she’s sending it to both of her Nokias!” Childe proudly said.

“I also sent it to my Google Pixel 3 and LG,” Signora added.

“Aren’t you just going to break your LG?”

 

“Yeah but that’s what google photos is for.”

“You have a point there.”

“Are you going to fight me or what?” Scaramouche yelled as he took out a pair of teal scissors.

“What happened to your pink ones?” Childe asked.

“They were fuchsia, not pink! They broke- someone stepped on them.”

“Did you cry?”

Scaramouche went quiet.

“He cried,” Signora said.

Bertha wasn’t having anymore of Childe’s bullshit with her crush.

“When I get home I’m gonna make sure mom grounds you!” Bertha began before looking at Scaramouche. “Anyway, let’s hurry up before we’re late for school! We don’t want to be with losers!”

“But- school is right there,” Childe said as he pointed to the tall building in front of them.

Bertha seemed angry for a moment. “Whatever! Let’s just hurry up and get inside, Scaramouche!” The girl then dragged her crush away from the other two, heading towards the entrance of the building.

Signora then looked at Childe.

“Whenever you talk to me, don’t act like a complete dumbass. I’m trying to attract all the women I can get and I don’t need some freshman ginger loser to make people think I’m not a huge lesbian.”

“You sound like the lesbian version of Bertha.”

“Exactly. Since she’s not here to give you motivation, I am. Anyway, have a shit day at school,” Signora then turned away before leaving Childe alone.

Childe stared at the building. It was definitely bigger than his middle school. He wondered if He would share any classes with Signora or Scaramouche; he had forgotten to ask them.

The ginger then walked inside the building. This was it. Right behind this door was his possible path to becoming a pretty princess. Would he finally achieve his childhood dream? He opened the door, he then stepped inside. Instead of seeing a pretty pink princess castle, he saw a boring gray metal detector. Was that thing really necessary to have? And then another metal detector, but for bookbags. But the thing was so small, only one bag could fit at a time. This school was broke as shit.

Childe put his phone away in his book bag, his Iphone7+ he begged Signora for. He also hid his plastic knife deep down inside, just in case the metal detector would sense it. But it was a literal piece of plastic, a metal detector couldn’t notice that thing.

Childe waited 5 minutes just to go through security. It was the most boring 5 minutes of his life. But the amount of times he heard the metal detector go off concerned him. Why did people carry so many pieces of metal on them? Who wore 8 gucci belts to school anyway?

The blue eyed male had literally spent his whole locker period naruto running through the hallway, looking for his class. Dumbass didn’t know it was right there, in front of him. He went past it about three times.

Eventually the second bell rang. Uh oh. Childe was in a pickle. Where the literal shit was class 219? Childe just wanted to attend class, that’s it. Eventually, the ginger was too busy panicking over being late that he had no idea where he was even going anymore.

Kaboom whoosh crash oof.

Ow what the fuck. Childe realized he bumped into someone. Uh oh. But then he realized he was on top of that someone. Oh ho, that was kinda hot. But then Childe stared at that someone’s face. Holy shit. This man was hot. The guy opened his eyes. Childe stared at that mans beautiful shiny gorgeous sparkly shiny pretty hot amber eyes. Did pretty people really exist?

“Ah, I apologize for bumping into you sir. I was too busy multitasking to realize where I was heading.”

Oh god he sounded just as hot as he looked. Childe couldn’t.

“No no- It’s alright! I shouldn’t have been panicking over where my class was! Anyway, what’s your name, comrade?”

“Thank you. It’s Zhongli.”

Childe was simping for everything about this man now.

“No problem! A lovely name you’ve got there! I’m Childe!”

“Childe,” Zhongli began. “Have you seen my Nokia? I seemed to have dropped it when we bumped into each other. Also, could you please get off of me?”

Childe felt his heart flutter. He asked him if he’s seen his Nokia. Childe was so happy! The ginger then looked around the floor before noticing the other males phone on the ground. He then reached out to grab it.

“I found it!”

“Thank you. Now could you please get off of me?”

“Oh right! Sorry.”

The ginger then awkwardly got off of the other male. He then reached his hand out to help Zhongli up, which to his slight surprise, Zhongli had accepted.

“So, what class are you in?” The amber eyed male asked as he shoved his Nokia in his pocket.

“I’m in class 219. But I can’t find it,” Childe responded.

“Oh, it’s right there. Did you not see the number on the door?” Zhongli asked as he pointed to the classroom.

“There’s numbers?”

“Yes. Did you not know?”

 

“No-”

Zhongli sighed. “Do people really never read the signs anymore? This is just like my trip to Claire’s when I was 5 hours old.”

“I read signs- I just didn’t think of looking at the door!” Childe cackled nervously. He lied, he never read signs. He absolutely hated those things. A waste of his eyesight he considered.

“I suppose that makes sense. Anyway, I hope to see you around sometime Childe,” Zhongli said before turning away.

Childe felt his heart break.

“Yeah. Bye Zhongli!” Childe smiled stupidly as he waved goodbye, despite Zhongli not being able to see him.

Childe knew he and this man were going to be besties. Maybe even more. No, definitely even more. Maybe even more than even more. No, definitely even more than even more. Childe was glad his mother was super rich now, maybe he could just buy Zhongli. But wouldn’t that be illegal? Nah, who cared about the law anyway?

Childe ran over to his class, opening the door and heading inside. He recognized 2 people. There was Brian somewhere in the middle of the room. He didn’t know Brian would attend the same school as him. And then Scaramouche in the corner. Childe dearly wanted to sit by Brian, but with there being no available seat, he took the one empty seat right next to Scaramouche. Strangely enough, nobody sat infront of or next to Scaramouche. Was Scaramouche heavily disliked or did he just scare people away with his scissors?

“Holy shit Childe what the fuck took you so long?” Scaramouche asked as he tossed the ginger a bag of expired fritos.

“Eheh, I got lost when looking for my class,” Childe answered as he loudly opened the bag. He could feel the teacher's eyes staring at him in disappointment, but he was used to that.

“There’s literally a number on the door. How did you not see?”

“I didn’t want to read.”

The teacher loudly cleared his voice. He sounded a lot like a dying frog when he did that. His poor vocal cords.

“Ahem, today class we will be learning about-”

“Deez nuts!” A random student called out. Childe wished he was the one who said that now.

“I am so very disappointed in this generation. Each and every one of you stray further away from god each day. None of you are sane and I demand that you all see specialists.”

Damn. This teacher wasn’t wrong though.

“Anyway, back to our lesson. We’ll be discussing the key factors to a rock.”

For a whole 50 minutes, Childe was forced to listen to an old man talk about rocks. Maybe this guy should also see a specialist. How would a rock even impact Childe’s life?

Finally, the bell rang. Childe was finally free from this torture. The ginger questioned whether or not he should wake up Scaramouche. He chose not to, he could be late for class.

Childe made his way to his other classroom, class 312. Running up the third flight of stairs he made his way to the classroom. Wow, he managed to get to class without asking for help.

Once Childe stepped inside his classroom, he noticed a familiar face. It was none other than Zhongli himself. The gorgeous lad already had his notebook opened and a pen. Holy shit he was so pretty. Childe immediately took the seat right next to him.

“Ah, hello Childe,” Zhongli greeted him with a soft smile and a short wave. Childe was so happy he was noticed by him.

“Hey Zhongli! I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Me neither, but it’s nice to see someone I know have the same class as me.”

“Yeah,” Childe said as he rested his cheek on his hand as he stared at Zhongli. This man was so pretty, Childe couldn’t help but stare at him.

“Childe,” Zhongli began.

“Yeah?”

“Why is your desk wet?”

Childe only realized that he had drooled. His whole desk was covered in his saliva. This was not ok.

“Oh uh-” Childe quickly wiped it with his sleeve as he thought of an excuse. “I peed! Yeah I peed on my desk.”

Zhongli was silent for a moment.

“You should use the next locker period to use the restroom. I believe you wouldn’t want anymore accidents to happen.”

“Yeah! I’ll make sure to do that next time, thanks!”

The teacher finally spoke up.

“Ok class, what’s 12945 times 68923?”

Zhongli raised his hand.

“Zhongli, go ahead and answer.”

“892208235, correct?”

The teacher's jaw dropped. Everyone stared at Zhongli in awe, including Childe. The ginger didn’t know this pretty man was so smart.

“C-c-c-c-c-c-correct- How did you-?”

“Well, first I multiplied the-” Zhongli was interrupted by the teacher.

“No, don't explain! Anyway, onto our lesson for the day. Oh! By the way you’ll be taking a quiz on this next week. I expect all of you except for Zhongli to fail!”

Childe spent 50 minutes staring at Zhongli. He was so pretty. The way his lips moved whenever he talked, the way his hair flowed in the nonexistent wind, the way his eyes seemed to sparkle every now and then, the way his entire figure shined whenever the broken lights would occasionally flicker on him. Zhongli was so gorgeous.

Childe was snapped out of his daze when the bell rang.

“Ah, looks like math is over. See you around Childe,” Zhongli said as he neatly put his pen and notebook away.

“Oh uh- Bye Zhongli! See you later, comrade!” Childe quickly said as he got up with his bookbag. He wanted to watch Zhongli for longer, but he didn’t want to seem like a weirdo so he didn’t. Instead, he went straight out the door.

As he pushed his way through the crowd, he heard one of the crackheads who sat in the second to last row say something.

“That Zhongli guy was such a nerd.”

“I know right. We should beat him up during lunch.”

“Yeah, let’s also beat up the ugly guy who sat next to him.”

Ugly? Childe didn’t think he was that ugly. No- He shouldn’t be thinking of himself. Now was time to think about Zhongli.

“Let’s get more people to join us. They were both tall and I’m scared.”

“Yeah you’re right Billy.”

“Let’s invite Tilly Milly and Silly to join us.”

“Don’t forget Jilly.”

“Right, and Jilly.”

Atleast Childe knew the first names of almost everyone attending Zhongli and his beating now.

Notes:

B-b-b-b-b-b-berthamouche?
Finally Zhongli is here, took me forever smh

Chapter 7: Childe and Zhongli Discuss their Horribly Written Backstories

Summary:

Childe failed to protect Zhongli, what a loser. Now they're both dying in the nurses office. What to do?

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

For the rest of the day up until around 11:20, Childe had been worrying over Zhongli. He had managed to figure out his lunch period, which also turned out to be his own lunch period too, so he just hoped that Zhongli would be ok. But since it was 11:20, it was time to go get his soggy school lunch. Obviously his mother wouldn’t get him a proper lunch, but Bertha did end up getting a delicious not soggy meal for school.

He and Zhongli eventually met up in the cafeteria. Lucky for Childe, Scaramouche and Signora just happened to have the same lunch period too. What a coincidence.

“So guys, this is my new friend, Zhongli. He’s smart, and pretty. Unlike the both of you,” Childe announced.

“Hello Childe’s friends.”

Signora and Scaramouche exchanged looks before looking at Zhongli. Childe immediately knew that they could tell he simped for Zhongli.

“Hello Zhongli, I’m Signora, the biggest lesbian you’ll ever meet.”

 

“The biggest lesbian? But I thought-” Signora interrupted Zhongli.

“Nobody here can be anymore lesbian than I can.”

“Alright. I suppose I’ll let you find out on your own,” Zhongli sighed.

Scaramouche casually took out his teal scissors and pointed them towards Zhongli.

“I’m Scaramouche. Be a dumbass like Childe and I’ll stab the shit outta you.”

“That’s a rather violent way to introduce yourself. Though I’m glad I atleast learned your name.”

Scaramouche almost dropped his scissors.

“Childe your friend’s insane, he isn’t weak to violence.”

“Zhongli is just special.”

“Special enough that he’s resistant to violence?”

“Yes, that special,” Childe replied.

The 4 grabbed their trays of soggy french fries and went to go look for a lunch table. But because they were all loser freshmen, there wasn’t a single table left for them, so they all sat by the corner near the trash can.
“So, how did everyone’s day go?” Childe asked as he stared at his french fries.

“I already have 8 girls' social media account passwords,” Signora answered proudly.

“Already?”

“Yes, women love me.”

“This bitch in my biology class pissed me off so I stabbed them with my scissors,” Scaramouche said.

“What did they do?” Zhongli asked.

“They were being stupid.”

“Ah, that’s understandable I suppose.”

“Anyways, Zhongli, what did you do?” Signora asked.

“Well, I answered a ton of questions in all of my classes. I believe that counts as socializing. That’s a rare skill to have, correct?”

 

“You’re very unique, Zhongli.”

“Thank you very much, Signora. Also, Childe, how was the rest of your classes? I only shared two with you.” Zhongli asked the ginger.

“Oh me? I uh- Uh- I eavesdropped on the crackheads!”

“Oh? What did they say?” Zhongli seemed very eager to know what drug addicts talked about.

“They called you a nerd and wanted to beat you up. Oh look! Here they come now!” Childe casually pointed at the group of people. There they all were: Billy, Milly, Tilly, Silly, Jilly, and the unnamed one.

An uncomfortable silence filled the room.

Suddenly, Billy threw a rock at Zhongli, which he caught with his mouth and swallowed. Childe was astonished by how Zhongli could easily do that, meanwhile Scaramouche and Signora stared at him extremely concerned.

“That tasted great. I would take a rock over whatever these long things are anyday,” Zhongli said.

Signora took out her Iphone11, she was recording this shit.

This time, Tilly and Milly threw rocks at Zhongli and Childe. Zhongli couldn’t catch the rock with his mouth in time, so it just bonked him in the eye. Meanwhile Childe’s rock bonked him on his forehead. Childe wasn’t letting anymore of this bullshit continue.

“Leave us alone comrades! Can’t you see we’re trying to enjoy a disgusting meal here? Also, shouldn’t Billy be in Physics right now?” Childe tried sounding braver than he was. He just wanted to look good infront of Zhongli.

Childe very much regrets saying those words now.

Atleast 20 minutes later, he and Zhongli were dying in the nurse's office. But to make matters worse, Signora was right there, recording Childe’s ugly dying goat noises.

Childe was extremely disappointed in himself. He couldn't actually protect Zhongli. Maybe it would’ve been better to use violence instead of words. Maybe next time.

“Childe,” Zhongli called.

Childe felt his heart flutter, but it hurt very much from how much pain he was in. But Zhongli said his name. Childe was so happy!

“Yes?”

“Thank you for trying. I’m glad you're not like that guy with the scissors- I forgot his name. Hm, what was it again? Scootermouse, right?”

Childe was mad gay for Zhongli right now. He completely ignored Signora cackling.

“You’re welcome, I think. Also, his name’s pronounced as Scaramouche, but he loves it when people call him Scootermouse!”

“Ah, I see. Thank you. I’ll be sure to use Scootermouse then if he likes that so much.”

Childe questioned how many brain cells Zhongli had. This lad was so fucking gullible.

“Hey, Childe.”

“Yes?”

“What’s your number?”

 

Childe screeched the moment he heard that. Signora snorted.

“Are you alright?” Zhongli asked.

“I’m fine! I just choked on my tongue for a second there!”

 

“Ah, I see. As long as you're ok.”

“Anyway, my number is-”

A few moments later, they both had eachother saved to their contacts. Signora saved Zhongli’s number on her own Nokia for blackmail purposes.

“Hey Childe.”

“Yes?”

“What’s a cucumber?”

Childe sat up from his bed. He then stared intensely at Zhongli.

“You don’t know what a cucumber is?”

“No.”

Childe sighed. “It’s a vegetable, I think. It’s like a pickle but with a different name.”

“Ah, I see. Thank you for answering. Nobody would ever tell me the meaning of a cucumber whenever I would ask,” Zhongli said.

“Actually a cucumber and a pickle both have completely different and unique tastes,” Signora began. “A pickle is much more sour than a cucumber. A cucumber is plain and watery. Two completely different tastes. Childe has a horrible dictionary, you see.”

“Oh. So that’s the difference then. Thank you, Signora.”

“Signora, why do you even eat vegetables?” Childe asked.

“Because I’m healthier than you of course.”

“I used to eat all of my vegetables with apple sauce. It tasted better that way,” Zhongli said.

Childe and Signora stared at the amber eyed male.

“Is it not ok to eat vegetables with apple sauce?” Zhongli asked.

“It’s definitely not normalized- But that sounds um- Interesting!” Childe tried his best to sound comforting towards the other male.

“Oh, alright.”

“I’ve never heard someone say that they ate their vegetables with apple sauce before Zhongli, you really are unique,” Signora sighed.

Suddenly, the bell rang. Lunch was over now, and Childe still felt pain in every part of his body. But was he willing to sit in detention for skipping class? No. Was he willing to sit in detention with Zhongli for skipping class? Yes.

“Hey Zhongli, are you going to class or are you dying here?” Childe asked.

“I’ve decided I’ll stay here.”

“Then I’ll stay right here then!”

Signora stopped recording, figuring she already had enough blackmail now.

“I’ll leave you too alone now. I have women to meet anyway. Have a shit day.”

 

A few moments later, Signora had left the room. It was only Childe and Zhongli in the nurse's office now. Kinda hot.

“So,” Childe began. “What now?”

“Hm. I suppose we can discuss the history of rocks together. I believe that would be a rather enjoyable topic.”

“Sure! Ler’s uh talk about whatever that is!”

 

For the next 3 hours all Childe heard Zhongli talk about was rocks. Of course it was very boring for the ginger, but damn, he was ok with listening to this when Zhongli had the hottest voice in the world. It reminded him of one of those dolphin documentaries he watched a while ago. He wished it was Zhongli who voice acted for all of them now.

Zhongli then checked the time on his Nokia.

“Did I really talk about rocks for that long? I must’ve bored you out, I apologize Childe. We can talk about anything you’d like for the next hour,” Zhongli said.

Anything. Childe was given too much power and this point. He shouldn’t have this much power.

“Tell me about your life.”

“Oh. So you wish to know of my interesting backstory. Alright then.”

Zhongli cleared his throat before he began to explain his past to Childe. The ginger questioned how Zhongli’s vocal cords were ok after talking for 3 hours straight. Surely the amber eyed male’s throat and vocal cords were hurting, right?

“You see, when I was first conceived, I had awakened on the carpet of my bedroom. And from there, I learned how to walk and speak instantly as any child would. My parents held a party that went on for a few hours, and once I was 5 hours old, I was taken to the mall to get my ears pierced. I believe it’s a family tradition, but now I have one dangly earring.”

Childe found that oddly relatable.

“I was mainly raised by maids rather than by my actual parents themselves, but that was fine. About 2 or 3 years after birth I had a younger brother. He’s really nice, to me atleast. I had a fairly decent life throughout elementary school, nothing big happened really. Middle school was a bit iffy, the only things that ever happened to me there were just a few identity crises and a bit of bullies to deal with, that was all. And now I’m here.”

Childe was sobbing,

“What I was born- I woke up before my twin sister did. She was a late bloomer, really bad at speaking,” Childe sighed. “I went to the mall to get my ears pierced when I was only 2 hours and 53 minutes old, I also got one dangly earring. And then when I came home I was locked in the bathroom for a few hours. When my dad came back home he saved me from the bathroom, and then he burned a paper with my mom. He promised to get me goat milk, but he never got it for me. Eventually I met Scaramouche and Signora in kindergarten. I also became friends with this guy named Brian who never socialized with us, but he sat at our table. I somehow made it through middle school and elementary school while being a total dumbass, and now I’m here.”

Childe swore he heard a few sniffles from Zhongli.

“Childe I- I’m sorry about that. Your father- He- No. I shouldn’t tell you the truth. It’s truly the biggest pain one would ever face. Impossible to overcome.”

“No, I know already. He lied about getting me goat milk, didn’t he?”

“Yes, he did.”

Childe made a dolphin noise to stop himself from having a breakdown right there infront of Zhongli.

“How did you manage to do that?” The amber eyed male asked.

“Oh, I just rub my vocal cords together and think of Spongebob.”

Zhongli went silent for a moment. He was most likely thinking of some logical possible way for that to work.

Zhongli then made an ugly high pitched dying walrus sound. It was extremely far from the dolphin noise he was aiming for.

“What the fuck was that?”

“It’s too hard for me to do, sorry. I’ll practice as much as I can though.”

Childe felt his heart flutter. Zhongli was really going to learn his mating call. Childe was so happy!

Suddenly, the bell rang. Childe could’ve sworn only 5 minutes passed.

“Ah, it looks like it’s time to leave for the day. Goodbye Childe, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Zhongli said as he got off from what used to be his deathbed. How was he magically better? Childe didn’t know.

“Wait! Why don’t we walk home together instead?” Childe suggested.

“Walk home together? Hm. Walking for a little bit couldn’t hurt. I have to pick up my brother anyway. Maybe you can meet him, if he wants to talk to you that is.”

Childe was screeching internally. Zhongli said yes.

 

20 minutes later, Childe and Zhongli were outside some random middle school. Zhongli looked over at the crowd of mostly fetuses, searching for his brother. Childe thought that it shouldn’t have been that hard, since it was past dismissal most kids were already gone. Maybe Zhongli’s brother had a detention or something, Childe wasn’t sure.

Childe casually watched a group of 7th grader fetuses throwing a football at each other. Wow, actually normal seeming children. The playground was filled with 6th graders. And then there was a group of what looked like 8th graders beating up a 6th grader. Go for it, beat that child up.

Childe turned to his side to see Zhongli aggressively biting his nails.

“What’s wrong?” The ginger asked.

Zhongli stopped biting his nails once his brain processed what he heard Childe say.

“I’m fine. It’s just that- You see the people harming that 6th grader?”

 

“Yeah. What about it?”

“That 6th grader is my brother.”

“Oh-” Childe regretted cheering on those 8th graders now.

“Shouldn’t we go stop them?” Childe asked.

“We should but- What should I even do?” Zhongli sighed.

 

“Throw rocks at them. Assert to violence.”

Zhongli went silent for a moment.

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

Soon enough, Childe and Zhongli both picked up all the rocks they could find before throwing them all as hard as they could at those 8th graders. Zhongli managed to hit one of them in the eye, which scared the others away completely.

“Zhongli-”

 

“I don’t know how I managed to gouge that kid's eye out either. Please do not ask.”

“Maybe you were just angry.”

“Maybe.”

Childe saw a tiny, very tiny, figure run past him. He was about to throw a rock until he realized it was just that 6th grader kid running to hide behind Zhongli.

“Ah, Xiao. How was your day?” Zhongli asked.

“Who’s the ugly ginger guy?”

“A friend.”

Childe spent a few moments overthinking on the way Zhongli said friend. But then he realized that Xiao called him ugly. He wasn’t ugly. The ginger then spent a few moments examining Xiao, or atleast whatever he could see. Xiao must’ve cut his hair with a screwdriver or something at either 3 AM or completely brain dead because holy fuck.

Xiao then stepped out from behind Zhongli and immediately grabbed onto his brother's hand. Childe only then realized that Xiao was wearing cat ears, and was holding a Warrior Cats book.

“Xiao, Childe. Childe, Xiao,” Zhongli said as he shifted between both males with each word.

“Zhongli, your friend looks weird. And he has a weird name too,” Xiao had no trust for this ginger haired bitch.

“What's your Warrior Cats name?” Childe asked.

“Foxtooth,” Xiao now fully trusted this ginger haired bitch.

“How unique! Mine’s Cloudwing!”

Xiao was overjoyed to find more of his species.

“You two seem to be getting along just fine,” Zhongli began. “Anyway, Xiao, how was your day? What did you do? What do you eat for lunch? Why were those kids beating you?”

Xiao hesitated. He growled a few times before coming up with an answer for Zhongli.

 

“It was ok I guess. Me and Venti did our math work together. There was french fries for lunch. And those kids took my book away from me, so I let them beat me so I could get it back. That was the deal we agreed upon.”

Zhongli sighed. “Xiao, even for your book, you shouldn’t let people get away with giving you a free beating. I guess I’ll have to hire another hitman today.”

“So you’re just going to kill off everyone who hurt Xiao like that?” Childe asked,

“Yes. How else do you get them to stop?”

“Actually, that does seem pretty reasonable.”

“Exactly. Sometimes I must accept violence.”

“Understandable.”

The group of 3 spent about an hour walking. How far was Zhongli’s house? But soon enough, Childe found out that Zhongli’s house was very very very very very very very very very far from expected.

“You live in the Royal Castle?” Childe asked.

“Yes, I do. I’m not supposed to reveal my identity but I'm the firstborn prince of Liyue.”

“What? I’ve been friends with the prince himself this whole time?”

“Yes. Infact you’ve befriended both of them.”

Childe’s brain as taking in too much bullshit at once. Zhongli and Xiao were princes? No fucking way. Did that mean that he could possibly become a pretty princess in the near future? Would his dream finally come true?

“Oh! I forgot to tell you, the Millelith kinda just execute anyone they aren’t familiar with who stands outside the castle. So best you leave for now. I could possibly give you a tour some other time though,” Zhongli explained.

“I guess I really should leave then. Eh, I can handle a taser. Shouldn’t hurt as much as being thrown out the window. Also, I’d love that.”

“Bye Cloudwing!” Xiao said.

“How could I forgot to say goodbye to one of the most stupid yet extremely cultured 6th grader in existence! Bye Foxtooth!”

 

Xiao and Childe exchanged a few barks and growls. A millelith guard overheard their furry talk, and immediately chased after Childe with his taser. Just as Childe was about to bark at Xiao one last time, he noticed the Millelith and made a run for it.

Ah yes,what another lovely day for Childe. He met the love of his life, let him get beat up at lunch, died in the nurse's office with him, bonded with him while dying, met his brother, realized he was a prince, and saw a possibility of becoming a pretty princess. Childe was so happy! His dream had to come true now.

Notes:

I wrote this instead of sleeping help

Chapter 8: Lice

Summary:

Childe and Zhongli have been besties for a month now. But today, Childe gets into some uh ohs. Now he has to suffer with head lice.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The next day, Childe had walked home with Zhongli and Xiao. And then a day became a week. And a week become a month. Everyday he’d talk with Zhongli and bark with Xiao, and everyday a millelith would chase him for “attacking” the young prince with his barking. Childe never thought that he could have a relationship last this long- besides Signora and Scaramouche of course.

Now that the first month of school was over, Childe had learned lot’s of new things.

He understood the history of rocks. He understood the history of trees. And now he knew more about Zhongli.

“Hey Zhongli,” Childe began as he and the royal stopped right outside of the castle.

“Yes Childe?”

“Can I ask a question?”

“Of course, go ahead,” Zhongli answered as he covered Xiao’s ears. Gotta take precautions.

“Do you know anything about the lost Princess of Snezhnaya?”

Zhongli went silent for a moment.

“As a matter of fact, I do. Why are you asking?”

“Oh, no reason. Just curious”

“Well I’ll tell you everything I know,” Zhongli sighed. “The lost Princess of Snezhnaya and I were destined to be married according to my mother. The King and Queen of Snezhnaya signed a contract with my parents, the King and Queen of Liyue, in agreement of our marriage. It was supposed to happen right after both of us graduated high school but, now we can’t since the Princess is lost. Oh! If you’re asking about appearance I heard the Princess should’ve been a ginger. For now a much younger Princess will be the current heir until the eldest Princess is found.”

“How old is the other Princess?” Childe asked.

“Eight.”

“Wow.”

“Poor Tsaritsa. No eight year old should have to train daily on how to be a ruler. I feel bad for her, not being able to rest at ease and do what normal eight year olds do. I, too, have lost my childhood, having to train to be Liyue’s ruler someday.”

“Wait- so you met the other Princess before?”

“Yes. I also met the rest of the family- Let’s just say children tend to scare me at times,” Zhongli answered. Childe heard a hint of fear in his voice. These Snezhnayans were no joke.

“Wow.”

“That Millelith guard is looking at you weirdly.”

Childe looked over at the Millelith. Oh god. It was the furryphobic one.

“Best you leave now I suppose, before he comes to behead you.”

“Right! I should. Bye Zhongli, it was nice walking with you. Tell Xiao I said bye to him too,” Childe said before turning around.

“Of course. Bye Childe, I’ll be sure to let him know.”

The ginger ran his ass back home. He feared nothing, except that one Millelith. That Millelith terrified him.

Eventually, Childe finally arrived home. Except the moment he opened the door, the first thing he noticed was Scaramouche, right there on the floor, next to Bertha. How strange. But that wasn’t even the weird part. Scaramouche was crying while holding a pair of scissors still inside of the packet. It was decorated with barbie and her weird looking dog all over it. Childe recognized those as Scaramouche’s favorite breed of scissors.

“What the fuck.”

Scaramouche shot up.

“Get the fuck outta here you fucking piece of shit! Can’t you see we’re having a moment here?” The purple haired male shouted.

“You’re exchanging scissors.”

“So?”

 

“That’s kinda-” Childe had to do it. “That’s kinda cringe man.”

Scaramouche hissed and immediately broke his scissors out of the packet. Childe ran upstairs and to his room, locking the door behind him.

“I don’t regret a thing.”

Childe went to his computer, his shitty little “for schoolwork only” device that he was only allowed to use for 5 hours a day. Well, his mom wasn’t home, so she would never know if went over his time limit.

Childe sat down on his pile of clothes and went straight to google.

About 7 hours later, Childe heard knocking on his door.

“Who is it?” He asked.

“Bitch it’s me,” Scaramouche growled. “Let me in or else I’ll stab you.”

“What’s the password?”

Scaramouche hesitated.

“Did you forget so soon?” Childe teased. “I literally told you what it was the other day!”

“I love to suck dick and I love it when I have dick in my ass. I’m Bertha’s little cockwhore and everynight she makes me her little bitch,” The scissor obsessed male said in an obnoxiously high pitched voice. “Can I come in now?”

Childe cackled as he stopped his phone’s recording button. He was sending this to Signora and posting it on his Insta. He then got up to unlock and open the door, allowing Scaramouche in.

“I fucking hate you.”

“I know.”

Scaramouche glanced around Childe’s extremely messy room.

“So, why are you here today, young scissor wielding warrior?” Childe asked.

“So first off fuck you. Second of all, don't tell a soul about what me and Bertha just did or else I’ll kill you.”

“Eh too late,” Childe began. “Signora’s texting her lesbians only group chat about it right now.”

Scaramouche held up his scissors.

“Oh! And she also heard you say the password.”

Scaramouche stabbed Childe’s hand.

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

Scaramouche was about to stab Childe again, but the second he heard Bertha’s voice he nearly dropped his scissors.

“Scaramouche! Leave that weirdo alone, let’s go scissor shopping together!”

Childe stared at Scaramouche. Scissor shopping. Was this really Scaramouche’s ideal date?

“Listen up asshat, the next time you make blackmail out of me like this I’ll fucking murder you with these very scissors.”

“Bertha would love to see those bloodstained actually. She just loves a man who can physically harm people!” The ginger teased.

“When I see you at school tomorrow you’re so fucking dead.”

“Got it. I’ll be sure to bring my pencils.”

“Bet.”

And with that, Scaramouche left the room. Childe immediately went to his window to position his phone in just the right angle to watch Scaramouche and Bertha leave and come back. He was so prepared for a 5 hour long video in his camera roll.

After that, Childe immediately went to bed. He was too tired to deal with life to stay awake.

The next day, Childe woke up with a start.

The first thing he noticed was his phone on the ground and a rock in his room must've been Scaramouche. He had also woken up late, had no time for breakfast, and every bus to his school would take way too long to even arrive at his house. So what did the dumbass do?

He ran all the way to school with a piece of toast in his mouth, a phone and rock inside his pocket.

He speedrunned through security, and ran to his class. Rock class was his favorite class and he did not want to miss anymore of it.

Crash!

“Ow what the fuck-” Childe was immediately interupted.

“Sorry sorry! I apologize for bumping into you sir- I was in a rush today, I should’ve checked where I was going.

Right infront of Childe was a girl with light blue hair. Childe examined her a bit more. A lesbian pride pin, lovely. On further inspection, she had two white hair clips that represented the shape of goat horns, very tiny little goat horns. Childe was infront of a cottagecore lesbian. Amazing.

“Don’t worry about it comrade! Apology accepted.”

“Phew,” The girl sighed of relief.

“So what’s your name?”

“Oh, I’m Ganyu. And who would you be?”

“Call me Childe!”

“You have an interesting name.” Ganyu questioned who in their right mind would name their child Childe. She wondered if he would change his name to Adult when he turned 18.

“Thanks. Have you seen my piece of toast?” Childe asked.

Ganyu looked around the floor for a few moments before touching her ponytail. She took out the piece of bread and gave it to Childe.

“Thanks!”

“You’re welcome. Please don’t eat that though-”

 

“Why not? It’s just a bit of hair.”

 

“It’s a choking hazard. And I also have lice- but we don’t talk about that. My fault for spending too much time on a farm.”

Childe inched away from Ganyu and threw his toast somewhere far away in the hallway.

“GANYU!”

Suddenly, another girl, but way taller who also had brown hair and a lesbian pride pin, ran towards Ganyu.

“Oh, you have friends?” Childe asked. “You two seem to be matching.”

Childe was met with a shoe in his face.

“Ow what the fuck-”

“Beidou, isn’t that a bit too far?” Ganyu asked.

“Ganyu, I won’t allow any male to be rude to our school’s biggest lesbian.”

“Wait, Ganyu’s the biggest lesbian? It’s not Signora?” Childe asked. This goat wannabe was about to end Signora’s whole career.

“Signora? Oh! You mean that girl who got 16 female student’s phone number’s on the first day of school? I’ve heard about her. Does she really see herself that highly?”

“Yeah, she does. I don’t think she knows about you guys yet. Oh god- She’ll definitely try to overthrow you.”

“I’ll make sure to end her life if she dares to harm Ganyu,” Beidou said.

“No Beidou- Don’t. 16 phone numbers in one day is a lot. Well it’s not much compared to my 108 phone numbers and 28 instagram users but if I do the math correctly then-”

“Please don’t do any math. Zhongli’s hot voice talking about math is already too much to bear with.”

“Alright. But still, mathematically it’s enough to pass as a possible fifth member of the top 4 lesbians of our school. Hm, Beidou what do you think? Should we add a fifth member to our group?”

“It depends. Getting phone numbers is a pass, but what about our other qualifications?”

Childe thought this was beginning to sound like a political debate.

Suddenly, the bell rang. Childe missed all of his rock class. He was so disappointed.

“Shit- Ganyu let’s leave this ginger alone and run to your next class.”

“Right. As the biggest lesbian of this school, I must keep my title and reputation by attending all of my classes on time!”

Beidou crouched down, and Ganyu climbed on her back. These women. Childe understood why they were the biggest lesbians at school now. Once the both of them left for class and were completely out of sight, Childe went to his math class.

Right away at his math class he noticed Zhongli. But he looked different. Infact, he had a bunch of bandages wrapped over his eye.

“Zhongli what happened?” Childe asked with concern in his voice.

“Oh. A millelith accidentally stabbed me in the eye with his weapon, so in consequence my eye has been constantly crying out blood. Apparently it won’t stop bleeding for a few days.”

“Did you fire him?”

“I didn’t but my parents did. Not only that, but they threw him in a dungeon and fed him to a monster we apparently keep in there. I feel bad though, it was only an accident,” Zhongli sighed. Childe felt bad now.

“Was it the furryphobic one?”

“Sadly not, though I wished it was. He won’t stop pestering Xiao about his interests in Warrior Cats, animals, his barking, everything. It’s seriously annoying.”

“Fire him.”

“I should. Thank you for the idea. It’ll be the first thing I do when I arrive home from school. Maybe then I could actually let you inside the castle today.”

 

“Actually- I can’t walk home with you today,” The ginger sighed.

“Oh. Why not?”

“I missed a class, was extremely late for school, completely ignored everything the security guard told me, I’m pretty sure that’s a detention.”

“Ah, that sucks. I wish I could stay with you but I have to pick up Xiao. Tomorrow then.”

“Yeah, tomorrow.”

For the rest of the day, Childe would constantly scratch his head. Maybe that girl really did have lice. Oh god. Childe was going to pull an Arthur today.

Finally, the last bell rang. As Childe watched everyone naruto run out the doors, he sadly walked to the principal's office. The ginger questioned what kind of hell would await him behind the door. Childe hoped that high school detention wou;d be the same as it was back in middle school. Oh the many times Childe had gotten in trouble in his angsty preteen days- certainly much more than the normal child would receive.

Notes:

I don't regret giving Ganyu lice
I love her but it had to be done
Also further explanation on the schools top 4 lesbians, it's basically jut the Qixing and Beidou being gay and vibing like the queens they all are

Chapter 9: Berthamouche date

Summary:

Scaramouche's and Bertha's date at the mall. The two learn more about eachother and end up simping for eachother way more.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Scaramouche and Bertha walked to a nearby bus station. Bertha had tightly held onto Scaramouche’s hand along the way, as if she’d die if she let go.

“So Scara, how was school today?” Bertha cheerfully asked as she leaned on Scaramouche in their bus seat.

“It was fine.”

“What did you eat for lunch?”

“A bag of fritos.”

“Is that all?” Bertha asked. “You should eat a bigger lunch.”

“Fritos are a perfectly balanced and healthy meal. A bag of fritos a day keeps the diseases away.”

“That’s true. But you should mix other foods into your diet too.”

 

“But that makes it unbalanced.”

“It won’t change a thing if you drink water at least.”

“Water has more than 50 carbs. I’ll gain weight if I drink it,” Scaramouche responded.

“It does? I’m never drinking water again then.”

The two spent another 30 minutes on the bus before arriving at the mall. The trip wasn't that long, since they made no stops and Bertha’s house hadn’t been too far from it.

“Finally! We’re here. Let’s hurry up and go to the bathroom before someone else does, I need to take a piss really bad!” Bertha said as she dragged Scaramouche out of the bus and towards the mall. Scaramouche did not want to hear that information.

Eventually, they arrived at the mall’s bathroom inside. Scaramouche waited outside of the door for Bertha like the loyal boyfriend he was. Scaramouche seriously hated how thin the bathroom walls were. He could hear everything. From the noises of Bertha’s piss hitting against the toilet to the ripping of toilet paper. It was too much for the purple haired male to take.

Finally, Bertha came out of the bathroom. Scaramouche was glad he didn’t have to suffer anymore.

“So Scara, where do you want to go first?” Bertha asked, doing all the gentlemanly work for the other.

“Hm. Let’s go to Hot Topic first.”

“Ok! I’ve never been there before, so I hope it’s not some weird store.”

 

Bertha, having walked this mall millions of times in her life, she dragged Scaramouche straight to Hot Topic. Despite never going there before, she still memorized where it was. She also knew where every other store was too. Maybe she was just street smart. Or mall smart.

The two made it inside the store, immediately greeted by your average radio music. Despite Hot Topic being a pitch black store, it still didn’t live up to it’s edgy standards when coming to music.

Scaramouche immediately grabbed the first Jojo mystery poster he saw.

“Scara, what's that?” Bertha asked.

“Oh this?” Scaramouche began. “Rōdo rōrā da.”

“How? Is that a road roller? It looks like a box.”

“How did you get that translation?”

“When I was in 6th grade I was secretly a huge weeb. I know my shit Scaramouche.”

“You were a weeb?” Scaramouche was in shock. Bertha? A weeb? No fucking way.

“I wanted to continue watching anime but my mom found out about it and banned everyone from watching it. I never touched Gogoanime again. But I think Childe still watches it somehow,” Bertha sighed.

“I’m going to kill your mother,” Scaramouche said as he pulled out his brand new scissors. He earned a few looks from other shoppers.

“Please don’t. When I’m 18 I’ll be able to watch anime again. Or maybe I could ask really nicely for permission.”

“How does Childe get away with watching anime but you don’t even bother trying to watch it?”

“I’m too nice for that.”

“You’ve got a point there.”

The two then searched Hot Topic some more. Scaramouche ended up having various pieces of both band and anime merch, mainly being Jojo and MCR. Meanwhile Bertha had nothing as she refused to get anything. Despite being the favorite, her mother wasn’t gonna accept any anime in the house. Don’t even get her mother started on emo bands. Thou shalt not sin thy devil my ass mother.

Eventually, the two finally went to the cashier to purchase everything Scaramouche had bought. Both of them literally had infinite money, so they spent atleast 5 minutes arguing over who should pay.

“I bought it, I’ll pay,” Scaramouche would insist.

“No me! I’m the dom here,” Bertha would fight back.

“That’s true but-”

Bertha had already placed a bunch of mora on the counter.

“You can keep the change cashier person. Anyways, Scara, now that we’re done here let’s visit another store!”

Scaramouche didn’t even get a chance to answer. Bertha had already dragged him over to a random store.

Bertha casually looked at a few dresses as Scaramouche simply watched in silence. He was pissed that he was the one who didn’t get to pay. He wanted to be a gentleman to Bertha.

“Hey Scara,” Bertha began. “Which dress do you think looks nicer?”

 

“The blue one.”

“Give me a good reason why.”

“I just think blue looks good on you.”

Bertha hid her face behind one of the dresses she had.

“You think so?”

“Yeah.”

“I think blue looks good on you too.”

Scaramouche hid his face behind his hot topic bag.

A few moments later, Bertha and Scaramouche were only inches away from each other. Their faces were almost touching each other, but the dress and bag were in the way. But still, they were overall very close. Was this it? Was Scaramouche about to kiss a girl with a bag and a dress for the first time in his life? Scaramouche’s blush grew deeper. This moment was too romantic for him, which made him like what was happening even more.

Scaramouche inched forward, so did Bertha. They were going to kiss through a bag and a ress and Scaramouche was living it.

Bertha leaned over a bit for Scaramouche to be at the same level with her taller figure. The purple haired loser was shorter than 5’3 and Bertha was already 5’7. This was a sign that Scaramouche was about to kiss a girl through a bag and a dress for the first time.

Just as Scaramouche was about to lean towards Bertha to finally kiss her, some random ass guy pushed him so hard that he fell on the floor. Scaramouche was heartbroken and absolutely pissed.

“Scara! Are you ok? I think I have a bandaid on me.” Bertha then began to search herself for a bandaid.

“I’m fine Bertha. I’m going to stab that bitch until Raiden fucking Shogun forgives him for his sins.”

Just as Scaramouche was about to pull his scissors out of his pocket, Bertha picked him up.

“No stabbing people today Scara. You already sent enough people to the hospital yesterday.”

“But violence is fun!”

“You’ve got a point there but I don’t want to get banned from this mall. It’s one of my coping methods to come here and spend money on whatever random thing I see during my mental breakdowns.”

Scaramouche felt bad now. “Fine then I won’t stab people today.”

Today.

Little did Bertha know that Scaramouche had already harmed 8 people with a pencil at school today.

“Good. Maybe you’ll be clean of stabbing people with scissors tomorrow too.”

“Maybe.” Scaramouche who he’d fail the moment he woke up the next day. Always gotta stab your siblings first thing in the morning.

“I’ll give you fritos if you make it through the whole day.”

Scaramouche was hooked now.

“Bet.”

“Anyways, let’s go pay for the dress already before we go check out other stores,” Bertha said as she led Scaramouche to the counter.

The two dumbass love birds spent the next two hours shopping at random stores. Scaramouche never thought he’d enjoy a shopping trip so much. Usually, he hated it whenever he spent long periods of time in a store but Bertha changed everything for him. Shopping wasn’t so bad when he was with Bertha.

“Alright! We visited every store atleast once twice or thrice!” Bertha cheered.

“Except Claire’s. We haven’t even gone inside once,” Scaramouche replied.

Bertha went silent.

“Is something wrong with Claire’s Berth?” The shorter male asked.

“I have trauma from that place- I’d rather not talk about it,” Bertha answered as she remembered what had happened to her back when she was only 3 hours old. Oh how she hated Barbara.

“I won’t ask about it then. But I’ll make sure to kill every employee for you someday.”

“I’ll take your offer on that. Now let’s hurry up and catch the next bus!” Bertha said as she hurriedly dragged Scaramouche to the mall’s exit, far away from Claire’s.

More than 30 minutes later the couple finally reached Bertha’s house. Now they were extremely far away from Claire’s. That store would still always haunt Bertha though.

“I really enjoyed today, Scara,” Bertha said as she brushed a piece of her curly brown hair behind her ear.

“Me too- I hope we can go again sometime,” the blue haired male responded. He hated how he was admitting such a thing when Childe’s room wasn’t even 24 feet above him.

“Let’s schedule another date next week then!”

“I’ll be sure to meet you there, Berth.”

“Perfect! Everything’s settled then. Anyways, Bye Scara! I love you.”

“I- I love you too Bertha.”

Scaramouche didn’t know if his blush was visible in the dark or not. All of this love stuff was too much for him. He was going to die. He wanted more love.

Bertha bent down to gently kiss Scaramouche on the cheek before leaving to enter her house. Meanwhile Scaramouche stood there, completely dazed by what had just happened.

A girl just kissed his cheek. He was living for it. And he wanted more kisses. What a simp.

“HolyfuckingshitthatwassofuckinghotholyshitholyshitshitshitIwantanotherkissnowholyshit-”

And at that very moment, Scaramouche noticed the phone by Childe’s window. Was all of that really saved on that stupid ginger’s phone? Scaramouche fucking hated his life now.

The purple haired male picked up a random rock and aggressively threw it at Childe's window, aiming for his phone. Once the Iphone7 he had had actually fallen inside of the ginger’s room, Scaramouche sighed of relief before walking to his own home.

What a wild day.

Notes:

live laugh Bertha
I wrote about their date because I can
I hate how I actually got into shipping them together

Chapter 10: Childe's Detention

Summary:

Childe goes to his first detention this year. What awaits him there?

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

After a few long moments of procrastinating, Childe finally entered the door to detention. Now what was there looks like a normal classroom strangely. Maybe the huge sign on the door that said detentions in big red all caps letters was what made it so scary. Huh.

The first few people Childe saw was some blue haired guy in an eyepatch, a blonde in a flower crown drawing very detailed anime boobs in his notebook, a red haired dude who radiated heavy batman kinnie vibes, a girl with purple hair and a lesbian pride pin just like Ganyu and Beidou, a girl with short light blue hair, and some green haired guy with a weird ass mask that made him look like a cow.

There were also basic looking people, most likely those seniors failing classes who always got into fights. Always gotta be those guys in detention.

Childe took the seat by the blue guy in an eyepatch.

"Make them bigger."

"They cover the whole page already."

"Bigger."

God this guy was shameless.

"Why the fuck are you asking that guy to make his fucking boob drawing bigger?" Childe asked.

"You see here sir ginger," the blonde guy drawings began. "I take commissions. I accept cash. No credit or checks. This is how I profit in life."

"Yep! He's the best artist in the world, the type that everyone likes with his 58 artstyles," the guy in the eyepatch said.

Childe was considering commissioning this guy.

"So, what are your names flower crown and eyepatch?" Childe asked.

"Kaeya, the horniest bitch you'll ever know," the blue haired male answered.

"And I'm Albedo. I draw and get good grades. And I also do peoples homework for money," the blonde one replied.

"Cool cool. I'm Childe! So why are you two here?"

"My art. I guess I drew your name sucking dick a bit too detailed," Albedo sighed.

"I got into a fight with my brother. You should've been there. Shit was heated as fuck." Childe was beginning to fear Kaeya.

"I would like to see that drawing sometime. And who's your brother Kaeya?"

"That ugly red haired guy over there. The one having a staring contest with the blue haired girl."

Childe looked over to see them both. And damn, was that staring contest intense.

"What's their names? I'm too scared to ask them now."

"Diluc and Eula. Fuck Diluc though, me and the homies believe in Eula supremency."

"Indeed. We chose vengeance over retribution," Albedo added.

"You guys really have no same slandering Diluc, huh?" Childe asked. He was considering joining in on the slander.

"Yep! Nobody likes him since he's mean and grumpy all the time. That's why I'm the favorite brother. But did father like me best? That's the real question." Kaeya sadly stared at his desk.

"Don't mind him. He has moments like this a lot. Trauma or something I guess," Albedo only shrugged.

"Damn. So what brings Eula here?"

"Fighting with Diluc. The teachers got scared of them during the staring contest they had earlier, thought they were engaging in violence, and sent them both to detention."

"That's stupid."

"Eula deserved better."

Albedo speaks facts and facts only.

"And what about the other two people who stand out a lot? You know, the ones who don't have a basic hair color."

"Oh, them. Keqing is the purple haired girl. She's part of the school's top 4 lesbians, which explains the pride pin. I think she's here because she yelled at a teacher for giving false information on a subject she was learning. She really has the pussies to fo that, admirable. And then the green haired guy is Dottore. He's weird. He also got in a fight with Diluc. Like an actual fight fight," Albedo explained as he readjusted his flower crown.

Wow. Childe considered not talking to Keqing incase she was scary like Beidou. Plus she seemed like a nerd. Nerds were scary. But Dottore seemed pretty pog. He seemed like an active supporter of Diluc slander. Plus he looked like a cow and cows were hot. They had spots and spots looked cool.

"I think I'm going to talk to Dottore. I feel like we were fated to talk to eachother, like this moment was meant for us," Childe said.

"Go for it. Good luck though, he's rather insane. Oh and if he asks you about your sex life be completely honest, he's into that shit. But if he wants you to be his teat subject run."

"Ight."

Childe left Albedo and slid over to the desk by Dottore. All nearby desks were empty, which concerned Childe.

"So, Dottore right?"

"That's Il Dottore to you."

"That's Italian. Pretty hot man."

"So, what brings you hear today possible test subject?" Dottore asked.

"Oh. I was late for class and then ended up missing one. It was my rock class too. Man I love that class, I get to learn about rocks. Rocks are pretty cool bestie."

"Rock class. You're very unique. What's your name possible test subject?"

"Childe."

"You're Signora's friend. Stay 10 feet away from me."

"What why? You look like a cow and I think cows are hot, I wanna be your friend!" Childe protested.

"Fine, just because you called me hot."

"Yay! So what do you have against Signora?"

"She- Sheshe- Holy fuck. Let's just say she was a scary yest subject."

"Alrighty."

"Anyways Childe, it was truly a pleasure meeting you. Due to you reminding me of that terrifying woman please stay 10 feet away from me for atleast a week and then we may talk again. Goodbye."

"Man. Bye I guess. See ya in a week cow!"

Childe slid back to the desk by Kaeya. Kaeya was still staring at the desk blankly. Trauma must've been deep huh.

"Albedo can I commission you?"

"Of course. What would you like me to draw?"

"Can you draw this one guy who I'll show you a picture of and me having rough raw hardcore sex with me topping? Oh and a cow in the background too."

"Of course. That's very easy to draw actually. Hm. Double person means and extra 10%, an animal isn't even allowed but since it's not part of the porn itself and considered the background then that means an additional 5% for a custom background. Your total will be 30,000 mora."

"Deal. Just make it good."

Childe threw a bag of mora at Albedo. The blonde opened the bag and counted the coins. Exactly 30,000 mora. Wow.

"It'll be ready whenever my motivation wishes to start it. If it's not given to you in a weeks time I'll return your mora.

"I don't care about my money I just want sex with Zhongli."

"Bet."

Man. This art was gonna be some good fucking food.

Notes:

I wrote this at 5 am because I couldn't sleep help me
Anyways this was rushed asf and written on mobile instead of my pc, apologies for the shitty chapter

Chapter 11: Happy Birthday Childe

Summary:

It's Childe's birthday and he doesn't feel like there's a point in celebrating.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Today was A very special day for Childe. It was his birthday- and Bertha's too since they were twins. Childe has no idea how he and Bertha were twins that rolled out of the same pussy at the same time since he thought he looked nothing like Bertha.

 

"Can you believe it Bertha? We're another year close to death."

 

"I can't wait for my last. But I refuse to die until Scaramouche dies!"

 

"Same, life is bullshit."

 

"Agreed."

 

The lunch bell rang and the twins left each other for their classes.

 

Just as Childe was about to go up the stairs Dottore stopped him.

 

"Childe."

 

"What?"

 

"Happy birthday. I was informed that today was the day you rolled out if your mothers pussy."

 

"Thanks Dottore!"

 

"I made you a cow- out of cheese." Dottore gave Childe the cow. It really was made out of cheese. Swiss cheese. How lovely.

 

Childe stared at the cow in awe. "Thank you! This is way better than last year when my mom made me sleep outside."

 

"What the fuck."

 

"Yeah I know right! Totally sucked ass."

 

"Your household must be ass. Anyways, gotta blast."

 

"Bye!"

 

Childe finally went up the stairs and got to class. He put his swiss cheese cow in his pocket.

 

For the rest of the day, Childe impatiently waited for class to end. The only thing he looked forward to was walking home with Zhongli.

 

Finally, the last minute of class struck. Hurry up clock, you can do it. Start screaming bell, you can do it.

 

Ring ring ring, said the bell finally.

 

"Banana," Childe quietly whispered to himself.

 

The ginger got all of his stuff in a hurry and raced out of the building to go see Zhongli.

 

Childe had to wait a few minutes to see him. He knew that Zhongli was neat and didn't jump out the window the moment the bell rang. Zhongli always took his time. A very long time.

 

"Hello Childe."

 

"Zhongli! Let's walk to Xiao's school already."

 

"You seem to be in a hurry today, is there anything going on?"

 

Stupid Childe never told Zhongli when his birthday was.

 

"I'm just excited to see you! Those last two classes were so boring without anyone I know in it."

 

"I see. I apologize for taking the much much harder classes then. I couldn't deny the offer."

 

"It's alright! Keep doing nerd stuff and you'll be successful in your future unlike me."

 

"Let's go pick up Xiao already."

 

"Right right!"

 

The two walked over to Xiao's middle school. Along the way they talked about how their day went, what they did in class, the latest dumbass who was sent to a hospital for fighting, etc.

 

Childe didn't mention his birthday at all. Perhaps he thought it just wasn't important since he never had a proper birthday.

 

If his dad never left maybe he could've had at least one nice birthday. Childe wasn't even 18 hours old when he left….

 

Childe was lost in his thoughts. He missed his dad. He wanted his goat milk. He was looking forward to that goat milk. But it never came… Will it ever?

 

Suck it up Childe. You don't need a dad if you're rich.

 

Childe felt a little more calm now.

 

Once he snapped back into reality he noticed Xiao tugging on his sleeve.

 

"Huh?"

 

"Did you even hear a word I said?"

 

"Oh, sorry. I wasn't listening," Childe laughed as if that damn cackle would change anything.

 

Xiao only sighed.

 

"So Xiao, could you explain to us again what happened at school today?" Zhongli asked.

 

Xiao nodded before speaking again.

 

"Today was almost the worst day ever! First some idiot behind me pushed me when I was walking up the stairs and I fell and everyone laughed at me! Even the kids I didn't even know. And then in band class someone said I was bad at the flute and told me I should quit and almost break my flute too. At lunch a group of bullies made me fall and drop my food all over myself and then they stepped on me. But in recess me and Venti played together so I felt a little better- In reading class these two kids ripped all of the pages in my book, and then the book. Then in math they took my homework, copied it, and then threw my paper in the trash and the teacher yelled at me for not having anything to turn in! And lastly in PE, we played dodgeball. The teams were team losers and team cool kids and I was on team losers. Everyone on team cool kids threw all of the balls at me! But what made me more mad was that they put Venti on team losers too. Venti isn't a loser! He's the coolest kid in the entire school and his singing is amazing!"

 

This 6th grade Xiao reminded Childe so much of his 6th grade self. On this very day, 2 years ago, the same torture happened to him.

 

Childe shed a tear and gave Xiao a headpat.

 

"Huh?"

 

"I'm sorry about that Xiao. You see, on the same day as today, 2 years ago, when I was a 6th grader just like you- the same torture methods were used on me."

 

Zhongli gave Childe a pat on the shoulder.

 

"So did your bullies out you on team loser too?"

 

Childe nodded.

 

"They made fun of your flute playing?"

 

"Drums actually."

 

"Oh."

 

"I was quirky!"

 

"You still are," Zhongli added.

 

"Do you have anymore stories of when you were a sixth grader?" Xiao asked.

 

"I have lots!"

 

And that was how Childe found himself for the next three hours walking everywhere with Zhongli and Xiao. They got slushies, they got McDonald's, they even went to the zoo. The zoo. All to hear Childe talk about his 6th grade experiences and for Xiao to say "me too!" after each one of them.

 

Finally they reached some random house. And that was where Zhongli stopped the both of them.

 

"I have something I must pick up from a friend here. Would you two like to come? I'm sure they wouldn't mind having the both of you by my side."

 

"Sure! We can tag along," Childe responded. Xiao nodded in agreement.

 

"Very well then. Follow me."

 

Xiao and Childe followed Zhongli to the front door. Zhongli ran the doorbell and waited a bit.

 

Eventually the door opened and Zhongli stepped inside. The inside of the house was extremely dark. Childe wasn't sure why. Maybe the person was saving electricity or ran on solar power. The sun was already setting.

 

Xiao clenched tightly onto Childe's leg now that Zhongli left them.

 

"What if five nights at freddy is inside and they turned big brother into a robot?" Xiao asked.

 

Childe laughed. "Heh, I'm sure that isn't the case."

 

"Ok...But if he's a robot when we step in there I'm going to say a bad word!"

 

"Fine. If Zhongli is the new Freddy Fazzbear you can say any bad word you want."

 

"Deal!"

 

Childe finally walked inside with Xiao behind him.

 

Immediately the lights turned on.

 

"Surprise birthday bitch number 2!" Bertha exclaimed. She wore a party hat that said "Birthday bitch number 1." Next to her was a matching party hat that said "Birthday bitch number 2." Scaramouche was right next to her and a middle finger while he ate fritos.

 

Next to them was all for Childe's friends. Signora, Dottore, Kaeya, Albedo, Ganyu, and even Beidou.

 

"Bertha?"

 

"She said a bad word…" Xiao mumbled.

 

"Happy birthday Childe," Zhongli said.

 

"How did you find out about my birthday?"

 

"Your friends and sister informed me a week ago. Together everyone and a few more of your friends held a party for you. Though if it wasn't for Albedo to give up his house and for Bertha to order everyone around this would've been a total failure."

 

"Wait what do you mean Bertha?" Childe asked.

 

"Ahem. You have no idea how hard it was to get mom not to care about me for one day carrot!" Bertha crossed her arms.

 

"Does this mean you care about me?"

 

"No!"

 

"Mom really did use some hypnotic spell on you after all," Childe began to sniffle.

 

"She didn't cast a spell on me! I'm still the same way since the first millisecond I was born. It was uh- It was Scaramouche's idea!"

 

Scaramouche pointed at Signora. Signora pointed at Dottore. Dottore pointed at Kaeya. Kaeya pointed at Albedo. Albedo pointed at Ganyu. Ganyu pointed at Beidou. Beidou pointed at Zhongli. Zhongli pointed back at Bertha.

 

Bertha was in a pickle.

 

"Fuck all of you! Anyways can we just celebrate mine and Childe's birthday already?"

 

"We should. Afterall, we spent a long time preparing everything," Zhongli responded.

 

A few moments later, everyone started celebrating Childe and Bertha's birthday.

 

Childe never thought that the day he was born would've made him so happy.

 

After his dad left he didn't want to exist. He wanted his birthday to have never existed. He wanted to unborn…

 

But today was different.

 

Childe's cruel sister was actually caring. Childe's insane friends actually liked him. Childe's best friend and first crush got him McDonald's.

 

McDonald's.

 

Childe was so happy.

 

20 minutes into celebrating, which mainly consisted of talking and throwing fritos and streamers at each other, two little kids came down the stairs.

 

"Big brother Albedo, who are all of these people?" The smallest one asked. She had blonde pigtails and bright red eyes and overall just looked like an adorable 7 year old. The boy next to him had silver hair and red eyes, but they were a shade or two darker than hers. Then she noticed the food and decorations.

 

"Are you guys having a party without Klee and Razor? No fair! You know how much Klee loves parties!"

 

"Razor hungry."

 

Albedo nearly dropped his dick drawing.

 

"Oh. Sorry we didn't invite you earlier. It's a big kid party. You'll understand when you're older," Albedo said while flipping a page in his sketchbook to hide the dick a bit better.

 

"Aw… But can we have cake?"

 

"Hungry."

 

"Fine, you two can have a few slices. But then you have to go back upstairs right away. Afterall, this is a big kid party."

 

"Ok! Come on Razor, let's get cake!"

 

The two kids ran down the stairs to go get their kids.

 

Childe wondered how long Albedo kept them up there.

 

The conversation became a lot more appropriate now. Half of everyone there looked disappointed seeing that they all couldn't be horny dumbasses now.

 

Childe then realized that Xiao listened to all of the bullshit this entire time.

 

He was 12. Fucking 12.

 

Where did Xiao even go? He wasn't on Childe's leg anymore. The ginger looked over to see if he was by Zhongli. He wasn't there. And that was when Childe realized that he was under the table. Weird.

 

The blue eyed male went up to Albedo, who was cautiously drawing the dick again.

 

"Are those your siblings?" He asked.

 

"Yeah, they are. Klee is my little sister and Razor was an orphan I found at the park at 3 am one time. Don't ask why I was out that late-" Albedo said without looking up from his sketchbook.

 

"What's it like having little siblings? The only person with little siblings whose siblings I actually met was Zhongli."

 

"Well it's a little hard. But I manage fine. Klee's mom is away somewhere so I have to raise her and Razor. That's why I do people's homework and draw for people. Wait- did you say Zhongli's sibling? Was that the little kid here?"

 

"That sounds tough I guess. But you seem to be able to get enough money for both of them and yourself. Guess hentai really does take you a long way. And yeah, that was his brother."

 

"Shit. He heard us talk about all of that stuff? We didn't even give him cake did we?"

 

"He heard everything I guess. He's under the table if you're going to give him food, I don't know why though."

 

"Alright. I'll tell Kaeya to hold my dick drawing while I do that," Albedo sighed before leaving Childe.

 

Childe honestly wouldn't have minded holding the dick but eh, chance was lost.

 

Childe spent the next 20 minutes hanging out with whoever was free. First he had a chat with Dottore and Signora, who also threw fritos at him. Then he talked with Kaeya to look at the dick. After him he talked with Zhongli for a bit, and lastly he talked with Ganyu and Beidou. He didn't get the chance to talk with Scaramouche since he was with Bertha the entire time.

 

Once Klee and Razor finished their cake Albedo led them upstairs. After a bit of encouragement Albedo and Zhongli got Xiao to go upstairs to play with them from what Childe saw.

 

Once all of the children were gone Albedo spoke up.

 

"Ok bitches. It's time for the birthday kids to open up their presents."

 

"What the fuck is a present?" Childe asked.

 

"Childe never got a birthday present before," Bertha sighed.

 

"That means whichever one you open first si your first present. I wonder which one you'll get," Albedo said while waving his sketchbook, right on the page with the dick.

 

Childe and Bertha sat at the table. Childe put on his party hat. All of the presents were wrapped, either neatly or horribly and they all had an index card that said who they were from and who they were meant for. There were exactly 16 presents on the table. 8 for the both of them.

 

"Which twin opens their presents first?" Kaeya asked.

 

"Whoever rolled out of their moms pussy first," Beidou answered, Ganyu sighing in disappointment. Ganyu didn't want all of her friends to be horny anymore.

 

"I woke up first," Childe said.

 

"I was the first one to actually touch the carpet," Bertha responded.

 

"Hm. Logically Bertha was born first if she hit the floor first. Ok, go ahead and open them. Take turns each present though." Albedo yawned before fixing his ponytail.

 

Bertha opened up the present that was given to her from Scaramouche first. It had neat purple wrapping paper and was tied together with a black ribbon, a neat bow on top. The index card had neat handwriting and little black hearts. It even said "love, Scaramouche."

 

Bertha neatly opened it. She was left with a box, which she opened. Inside the box contained earrings. Very very pretty and expensive looking earrings that probably cost Scaramouche a lot of money to get for her. Oh to be Bertha. Bertha gasped immediately by how beautiful they were and the fact that Scaramouche got them for her.

 

Scaramouche hid his blush with his huge hat the moment he heard Bertha.

 

"I love you so much Scara."

 

"Don't say that while everyone is watching-"

 

"I forgot you didn't like PDA. Whoops!"

 

"Oh to be in a romantic relationship, I wish," Albedo sighed. "Anyways, go ahead and open a gift Childe."

 

Childe decided to also open the gift he got from Scaramouche. The wrapping couldn't even be considered wrapping. In fact it was just a paper bag. The index card had terrible handwriting too. It also read, "to loser, from Scaramouche."

 

Inside the paper bag were a bunch of ocean themed stickers. Childe thought they looked absolutely adorable.

 

"Hoe thoughtful! And I thought you forgot that I liked the sea so much."

 

"Shut the fuck up before I shove those stickers up your ass."

 

"I wish they could go in my ass-" Albedo ended his sentence with a loud cough. "Anyways, Bertha, open your next present."

 

Bertha nodded and chose the present she got from Beidou. The gift was wrapped in nice anchor print with a dark blue background. It was held together with tape, so Bertha had to rip through it. She liked the wrapping, so she was sure to be careful.

 

Inside were a few gemstones and crystals, some pirate themed rings, and a stuffed octopus keychain. Bertha was passing her rock class and had great interest in any kind of rock because of it, so she adored this gift.

 

"Thanks Beidou! I've always wanted to have gemstones and crystals of my own ever since I started rock class."

 

"No problem! As one of the school's 4 biggest lesbians I make it my number one priority to please every woman."

 

"What number do you even hold?" Bertha asked.

 

"Number 2."

 

"Wow."

 

"Hem hem, as a homosexual who knows that every other male here except Scaramouche is also homosexual, Childe open you present now."

 

"Actually I'm pan. I think women and enbys are hot too," Kaeya added.

 

"And I'm bi," Childe said.

 

"I won't speak up for myself despite knowing that I am in fact a proud pansexual," Zhongli said between sips of his water.

 

"Don't worry Albedo. We'll be homosexuals together," Dottore 

 

"Well then. So the only guys here who are actually gay are me and Dottore. Can't wait to see how chaotic our genders will become in the next few years. Anyway, Childe open your gift."

 

Childe sighed and opened the gift he received from Beidou. It had the same wrapping as Bertha's, and was also held by tape. Though he could've sworn it was a bit more messy than Bertha's. Eh, favoritism.

 

The gift consisted of a bunch of pride pins. A few flags Childe had no idea what they were, but he recognized a majority of them.

 

"I didn't know what your sexuality was so I got all of them. I knew you had to be anything but straight, you're clearly the biggest simp for-"

 

"Shhh! Don't reveal that information. Anyways thank you for the gift, I'll have to search for my flag in a bit."

 

"No problem!"

 

"Ok, talk is over. I'm getting impatient. You know, just race to see who can open all of their gifts the fastest." Albedo waved his dick drawing in anger.

 

"But I like the wrapping paper," Bertha responded.

 

"Me too!"

 

Albedo sighed. "Fine. Let's see who can open their gifts and have the wrapping paper in the best condition then."

 

"Deal."

 

"Bet!"

 

A few minutes later both of them finally opened their presents. Childe finished first, but his wrapping paper didn't look so good. Meanwhile Bertha had lovely wrapping paper leftovers. Childe wasn't elegant enough.

 

"Ok. Bertha won. Sorry Childe. Anyways take a moment to look at your presents I guess. Once you're done we're going to move onto some, big kid stuff."

 

Big kid stuff. Ooo.

 

Childe looked at his presents. From Ganyu he got a white knitted scarf and mittens with pale blue on the ends even though it wasn't even winter yet and oh god they were so warm and soft and fluffy. Berths got the same gift.

 

Signora gave him her old IPhone8. Meanwhile Bertha got a strangely aesthetically pleasing knife and a bouquet of cecilias from Signora. See what I did there hehe.

 

Dottore gifted Childe a glass vile. Bertha got a syringe from him. Dottore sure was interesting.

 

Kaeya's gift to Childe was unique. A pink phallic object. Weird. Meanwhile Bertha's gift from Kaeya was way different. She got a bunch of fancy jewels and such. Even a wine cup. Kaeya sure was interesting too.

 

Albedo's gift to Childe was a drawing. A very interesting drawing. The moment childe looked at it he flipped it over on the backside. As hot as a picture of him and Zhongli having rough kinky hardcore sex, sometimes it would be a bit too much for Childe's ass. Meanwhile the drawing he gave Bertha was a simple drawing of a nice flower field.

 

And lastly, Zhongli's gift. This was Childe's personal favorite gift. It was a rock. A really pretty rock. Bertha also got a rock. But Childe still felt special.

 

"Ok birthday bitches, are you two done admiring the gifts we got you all?" Albedo asked.

 

Childe and Bertha nodded.

 

"Good. Now the big kid activities. Kaeya, get the shit."

 

"Ah yes of course. Allow me to go fetch the big kid activities," Kaeya fled to a random room.

 

"Ok bitches, get in the living room. We're going to be trauma dumping on each other tonight."

 

"How is this a big kid activity?" Ganyu asked.

 

"Hm. It seems like a good way to be able to conduct experiments on people. I'm looking forward to it," Dottore said.

 

"We'll also be watching My Little Pony while drinking warm strawberry milk. It just seems to fit the theme. Anyone is allowed to join at any time. I don't care when." Albedo explained.

 

"I wonder what kind of trauma Scaramouche has," Bertha said.

 

"A lot."

 

"Wow."

 

Kaeya gave back some blankets, pillows, milk, and strawberry syrup.

 

"Gottem."

 

"Perfect. Ok bitches, we're ready."

 

Half of the group actually went to the living room. Childe thought that it was weird, so he stayed behind. Zhongli did too. Childe saw that Signora was using her Samsung to record and that Dottore was keeping a heavy watch on everyone.

 

"Childe. Did you enjoy your day today?"

 

"I did! Today was very fun. I never had such a great birthday before."

 

"I'm glad you enjoyed your day today. Everyone worked very hard."

 

"Yeah. I never thought Bertha would've actually done something for me though."

 

"Perhaps Scaramouche changed her."

 

"Maybe. Or the spell my mom cast on her finally broke and she's no longer hypnotized!"

 

"Heh. Perhaps. Though that seems unrealistic."

 

"Nothing in this world is realistic. What the fuck is even reality or logic anymore?"

 

"No idea. It sounds far away from humanity though."

 

"Yeah."

 

"Anyways. You know that Albedo is going to keep everyone up until 2 am and force everyone to have a sleepover right?" Zhongli asked.

 

"What?"

 

"We're trapped here all night. What do you non royals usually do late at night? It's way past Xiao's bed time and my bedtime passed half an hour ago."

 

"Damn. Late at night we usually lay in bed and crush one side of our body with our arms while using our phones until 6 am and then collapse around 8 am."

 

"Interesting. You non royals sure are weird."

 

"I feel complimented."

 

"I feel like you shouldn't be but alright."

 

Childe gave the rock he got from Zhongli a pat.

 

"Zhongli."

 

"Yes?"

 

"Today is great and all but I feel like something's missing."

 

"Oh? Like what?"

 

"How do normal people celebrate their birthdays?"

 

"I have no idea."

 

"How do royal people celebrate their birthdays then?"

 

"That I can answer. Basically you're congratulated and then you have a big dinner. After that you spend the rest of the day alone doing nothing and find yourself lost in gifts and have no one to spend the day with."

 

"That sounds sad."

 

"It's not as bad as not having anything on your special day. I feel bad for you, Childe."

 

"I feel bad for me too."

 

"Heh. So, would you like to spend the rest of the night catching fireflies together while petting lost stray rabbits and cats?" Zhongli asked.

 

"Yes. That sounds wonderful."

 

"Perfect. Best we go outside now." Zhongli grabbed Childe's hand and led him outside to Albedo's backyard. Childe felt his heart skip a beat at the touch.

 

The two had a great time. Zhongli saw a firefly for the first time in his life, and Childe got to touch his hand which felt great.

 

Childe felt truly happy just to be hanging out with Zhongli again. His other friends were nice, but Zhongli was better.

 

Childe went back in at 4 am when Zhongli passed out from exhaustion. The ginger feared what would happen to his sleep schedule now.

 

And it wasn't until Childe kissed Zhongli on the forehead when he noticed that Signora had a phone set up to record them too for the entire time.

 

Childe wanted to scream.

Notes:

I stayed up all night just to write this, I am insane
I would sleep but I must go to many places today
Let's hope I pass out at around 12 am today and fix my sleep schedule

Chapter 12: Childe's first day of his second year

Summary:

Summer break has ended and now Childe is back in school. What chaos awaits him today?

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Today was Childe's first day of his second year of highschool.

 

He was so excited! He would finally get to see Zhongli again. The last time they met up was only a week into summer break. Sadly, Zhongli couldn't spend the summer with Childe because he had to do royal things in another nation.

 

But today was the day.

 

Childe would finally get to see his beloved Zhongli.

 

The ginger was going to over accessorize today. Bertha had given him some of the chains and rings their mother shoplifted, so that meant Childe could wear as many accessories as he wanted to.

 

Today was going to be great.

 

Once Childe was fully dressed up, he walked over to his school.

 

Everyone in his friend group was taking their own paths to school, except for Bertha and Scaramouche. They were walking together as always.

 

Finally, Childe arrived at the building.

 

This was it. Today was the day. He would finally get to see Zhongli's gorgeous face, eyes, hair, arm, legs, ass, back, jawline, cheeks, lips, shoes, his everything, again.

 

Slowly, he walked inside of the school.

 

Security wasn't a handful to get past. Childe was surprised he got away with having so much metal on him. Were the metal detectors broken?

 

They better stay broken.

 

Childe happily walked to his first period. He had art class first, which was nice, because that meant he could draw Zhongli's ass.

 

As the ginger was about to reach the stairway, he bumped into something. Or someone.

 

The next thing he knew, he was face to face with a Wings of Fire book.

 

Wings of Fire? He hasn't seen a copy of that since 4th grade!

 

"I apologize for bumping into you strange ginger haired person. I was in a hurry. Anyway, that book you have. I need it back- right now."

 

Child got up from the floor with the book in hand.

 

Another reason of him meeting a short girl with a lesbian flag pride pin. She had purple hair which was divided into pigtails. The top of her head had cat ears like styled hair, must've been a Liyuen thing. Childe remembered when Zhongli Spent 3 hours talking about traditional hairstyles.

 

"Are you one of the school's four biggest lesbians?" Childe asked.

 

"Indeed I am. More specifically aroace lesbian. You've met Ganyu before haven't you?"

 

"Woah. Wait- did Ganyu say anything about me?"

 

"Well, one day she and Beidou showed up and Ganyu sobbed over how she was worried that she spread her head lice to someone with ginger hair."

 

"Oh that! I did get lice, but you know that one Arthur episode where Arthur's entire school got lice? I rewatched it and did what they did. It worked really well!"

 

"I recall that episode. Brings back so many memories…"

 

Childe heard her sniffle.

 

"So uh, what's your name?" He asked.

 

"Keqing. Number 3 of the 4 biggest lesbians."

 

"I'm Childe! Something of the something something!"

 

"Childe. What a unique name. What will you do when you become an adult?"

 

"Why does everyone say that?" Childe sighed.

 

"Perhaps it's due to the fact Liyue has never seen someone with such an untraditional name. Or you a foreigner? you don't look like you're from Liyue."

 

"I'm pretty sure I'm completely from Liyue."

 

"Are you sure?"

 

"Yeah. I'm sure of it. Can I please go to my art class now?"

 

"OhmyrexlapisIdontactuallyshareaclasswiththisgingerdoI?"

 

"What?"

 

"Nothing nothing- my book please."

 

Childe handed Keqing her book back.

 

"Thank you. Hurry along to your class before you're late."

 

"No problem!"

 

Childe ran upstairs to his art class. He didn't want to be late. What if someone took his idea of drawing Zhongli's ass before him? And what if someone took the seat in the back next to the window? That was his favorite seat!

 

Finally, Childe settled in his art class. Lucky for the ginger, he got the seat he wanted too.

 

The only bad part about this class was that Zhongli wasn't in it. That sucked. But atleast Keqing was here! But why was she looking at him like that?

 

The art teacher though...he was looking real fresh. Childe wanted to see what he could do with that paintbrush.

 

Childe spent most of his first period staring intensely at the clock. Maybe the next class he had he would see Zhongli.

 

4 classes had already passed and still no sign of Zhongli. There were a few empty desks though. Maybe he was absent?

 

Childe really didn't want him to be absent on the first day of school. He missed him so much.

 

Atleast he shared science class with everyone he knew. Dottore was really scary in that class..

 

Finally it was lunch. Childe didn't want to eat while he was sad. But then again what food was there at home? The vending machines here had the good shit.

 

The ginger wanted to hang out with one his friends but everyone seemed busy.

 

Signora had a crowd of women talking to her. Bertha was feeding Scaramouche fritos. Keqing, Kaeya, Albedo and Beidou didn't share a lunch period with him. Dottore was hanging out with people Childe had never seen before. And Ganyu- where the fuck was Ganyu?

 

The blue eyed male sighed and went to eat his bag of cheetos outside.

 

He decided to explore the outside of his school. He wanted to know how fresh the grass looked on every side.

 

But Childe stopped in his tracks the moment he heard a familiar deep voice. And also when he saw Ganyu eating flowers.

 

Flowers.

 

He was concerned for this girl.

 

Childe decided to approach her anyway.

 

"Hey Ganyu!"

 

Ganyu screamed and instantly spit the flowers out of her mouth.

 

"Ganyu are you alright?" Zhongli asked.

 

Zhongli?

 

At that moment Childe realized that Zhongli was in a tree. Was he stuck there?

 

"Zhongli?" Childe asked.

 

"Oh hello Childe."

 

"What's Childe doing here?" Ganyu asked as she spat the last of the petals in her throat out.

 

"I don't know." Zhongli shrugged.

 

"Well, everyone was busy at lunch so I came here to look at the grass but then I saw Ganyu so I came here!" Childe explained.

 

"I see. Not the best timing though."

 

"What happened Zhongli?" The ginger asked.

 

"Well- ahem. Ganyu you explain it to him. This is simply too embarrassing.."

 

Woah. Something that embarrassed Zhongli existed?

 

"Alright! Well, you see here Childe," Ganyu began. "Zhongli was hiding from a dog that kept trying to bite his ponytail off. Out of fear, he went to this very tree and now he's too scared to get down."

 

 Childe held back his laughter. "Is Zhongli scared of heights?"

 

Ganyu nodded.

 

"You didn't have to tell him that-" Zhongli coughed.

 

"Sorry!"

 

"So uh, am I supposed to help Zhongli get off?"

 

"Yes." Zhongli and Ganyu said in unison.

 

"Alrighty! I'll get Zhongli down in no time!"

 

"Thank you Childe. I cant stand another second in this tree."

 

"No problem! Also which strategy do you want to use? You become a cat and jump and I catch you, or I climb up the tree and get you down?"

 

"The second one please-"

 

"You betcha!"

 

"Childe is just like one of the doggies from Paw Patrols!" Ganyu exclaimed.

 

"I used to kin Marshall." Childe admitted.

 

"That makes you very trustworthy Childe. Now could you please get me down?" Zhongli was literally shaking. Any longer and the branch he was on would probably snap.

 

"Right! I better save you before it's too late!"

 

"Zhongli wet himself 7 times it's been too late." Ganyu said.

 

"Ganyu-"

 

"I'm so sorry!"

 

"I meant the branch breaking but that's had too- anyway!"

 

Childe carefully climbed the tree. Eventually, he was right under the branch Zhongli was sitting on. He extended out a hand from him to grab, his other hand holding onto a piece of bark.

 

"Grab my hand! All you have to do is climb down a little and then I'll lead the way."

 

Zhongli hesitated.

 

"Come on Zhongli! You don't wanna be stuck here forever do you?"

 

"No..." Zhongli sighed.

 

A few moments later, Zhongli grabbed Childe's hand. Carefully, while tightly holding onto the trees bark, he made it off of the branch and was at Childe's level.

 

"Good job! I'll get you a golden star sticker for that now!" Childe said. Immediately, Zhongli tightly wrapped his arms around his torso.

 

This man was shaking so hard.

 

Carefully and slowly, Childe led Zhongli off the tree.

 

Finally, they were on grass again.

 

Ganyu clapped her hands and cheered.

 

"Thank you so much Childe. If it wasn't for you I would've died." Zhongli tightly hugged Childe, the ginger immediately went red.

 

"No problem Zhongli! If you ever need help with anything else again, just call me."

 

"I will. I'll keep that in mind."

 

For the rest of the lunch period, Childe Zhongli and Ganyu just talked together. A majority of the conversation was about Paw Patrols, but the rest was about what they did over summer break.

 

Eventually the bell rang and everyone went back inside.

 

Surprisingly, all of the remaining classes Childe had, Zhongli had them too.

 

Whoever set this up thank you, do it again next year.

 

This first day wasn't so bad afterall. Childe not only got to hold Zhongli, but he got to hug him too.

 

Thanks for blessing Childe today Rex Lapis.

Notes:

Haha I died. I may or may not have lost motivation but don't fret, I've returned now

Chapter 13: Childe's kinlist expands

Summary:

Childe witnesses a fight at school. And then he meets someone really cool who he kins. They probably kin him too. He finally made new friends.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

A whole month has passed since Childe’s first day of school. He already learned many new things, failed many new things, and did many new things. School was a blast, and his current favorite class was his boulder class.

 

While making his way to the cafeteria for lunch, he noticed a crowd of people, phones out and recording, chanting out “fight fight fight.” In between the crowd was two people. And holy shit, was that Scaramouche and some really tall, really hot purple haired woman he’s never seen before?

 

Childe got closer to the crowd to watch the fight.

 

“Scaramouche what the fuck are you doing? Didn’t your mom ever teach you to never punch a woman?”

Scaramouche looked over at the ginger.

 

“Childe get your stupid swiggly diggly wiggly ass outta here-”

The girl immediately punched Scaramouche in the face so hard, he fell over. His hat even fell off his head. Once the short male realized what happened, he immediately flipped off both Childe and the purple girl.

 

“I won. Let me fuck your mom now.” The purple girl said.

 

“No what the fuck? My mom’s a literal fossil, you’re a fucking minor. You also didn’t make my asshole bleed, so therefore I never lost!”

“Scaramouche, who is this girl?” Chidle asked.

 

“Some dumb fuck Inazuman named Sara. Apparently she’s a member of the fancy fuck Kujou clan. But she’s adopted, everyone point and laugh.”

Everyone pointed and laughed at Sara. She growled angrily.

 

Childe figured people made fun of her for that a lot.

 

“Shut the fuck up Scaramouche! Your mom is really fucking hot, literally the hottest woman on Earth, I want to fuck her so hard!”

 

“Bitch she’s married.”

“To who?!”

“Some woman named Yae fucking Miko.”

Sara fell to her knees.

 

“Fucking Ei isn’t even that hot, she can’t fucking cook you want to fuck a woman who can’t cook for shit?”

“Yes.”

“Oh my fucking god.”

“Please let me fuck you mom.”

“No.”

“Please.”

“I said no.”

“PLEASE.”

“NO MEANS MOTHERFUCKING NO.”

“YOU SAID MOTHER AND FUCK I CAN FUCK HER THEN??”

“NO YOU FUCKING CANNOT!”

 

Suddenly, Bertha came running through.

 

“Oh thank god Bertha beat this bitch up for me please.”

 

Bertha immediately grabbed Sara and started beating her. THe crowd started cheering and clapping while chanting “fight fight fight.”

 

Scaramouche took a bag of fritos out of his pocket]et and used his to wipe his tears. Childe wondered what fucking drugs he fed his sister, he remebered Bertha being a lot less violent than this. Sara was literally crying.

 

Childe clapped for Bertha before going to the cafeteria. He knew Zhongli was waiting for him.

 

Running over to the cafeteria, he searched around for Zhongli. After 2 minutes of walking around the room, he finally noticed Zhongli reading a random flyer next to a girl sitting alone at a table. A bunch more flyers were also on the table.

 

“Whatcha reading there Zhongli?” Childe asked as he approached the royal.

 

"Oh. This girl here is handing out literature club flyers, I figured I might as well read one."

 

Childe looked a little closer at the girl.

 

She had pink hair that faded into blue. It was tied into a ponytail and a weird bow somehow combined. Childe was confused looking at it. She also had hair clips that made her look like a mermaid. And her eyes didn't have pupils for some reason, they were just empty purple and blue eyes.

 

Childe took a flyer and read it.

 

Skimming through words, the moment he read snacks he was immediately interested. But then he noticed there was a second host. And also a drawing of both the girl and the other host. And holy shit, was the other host hot as a chibi. He had dog ears.

 

Two hot people with the names Kokomi and Gorou that were clearly Inazuman which only made them hotter hosting a literature club with snacks and one person has dog ears and Zhongli may possibly join? Hell yeah.

 

"How do I sign up?" Childe asked

 

"Sign your name on this form right here!" Kokomi said as she handed Childe a paper and a pen. He immediately picked 

 

"Oh wow, you're actually joining Childe?" Zhongli asked.

 

Childe nodded. "Uh huh, are you joining Zhongli?"

 

"If you're going to join then I will. I'll just be absent for the first 20 minutes because of Xiao."

 

"Oh yeah, you have to pick him up."

 

"He's extremely paranoid about being kidnapped. And now he's in 7th grade too. 7th graders are crazy if they were horrible in 6th grade."

 

"Oh yeah, those pieces of shits bully him."

 

"I wish they could be executed."

 

"Fucking same, but I can give them a free execution."

 

Zhongli's eyes lit up.

 

"So you ginger, you're a man of culture as well?" Kokomi said.

 

"I'm cultured as hell."

 

"Finally, another person who craves violence. You and I will definitely get along well!"

 

"Childe look, you finally have someone other than Signora and Scaramouche to relate to over sudden cravings for violence."

 

"WOOOO!"

 

Zhongli and Kokomi clapped for Childe.

 

"Anyways," the ginger began. "When do we get to meet the dog?"

 

"Oh Gorou! Well, he's currently in the bathroom dying because he ate spicy tortilla chips. I told him not to eat them but he didn't listen. Since he's a dog I'll just have to discipline him by not giving him any scooby snacks." Kokomi sighed.

 

"Holy shit that's a literal dog right there."

 

"Dog." Zhongli said out of context. He seemed to be thinking about something.

 

"Are we the only members?" Childe asked.

 

"No, of course not. There's me, Gorou, you two, some other girl, some dude obsessed with drawing porn, and also this 10 year old who apparently skipped 4 grades just to speedrun school so he can become a rapper when he graduates highschool. What a guy."

 

"I admire that kid." Childe said.

 

"So do I."

 

"Is it possible for me to bring my 12 year old, very sensitive, very antisocial, warrior cats obsessed brother to the club so I can arrive back faster?" Zhongli asked.

 

"Yes of course! We would love a serious cats fan as a guest."

 

"What's the first book we're reading?" Childe asked.

 

"Percy Jackson."

 

Childe gasped.

 

He kinned Percy ever since he was in fourth grade.

 

Tears swelled up in his eyes.

 

"Kokomi…" He began before extending out his hand to shake Kokomi's, who accepted. "We're hoping to be best bros."

 

Kokomi nodded. "I can sense it."

 

"Childe finally found another relatable person who he can put in his kinlist, I'm so proud." Zhongli wiped away a tear and clapped.

 

Soon, a bunch of other kids started clapping. And then the security guards. And then the lunch ladies. And then the whole cafeteria.

 

Childe bowed down as milk cartons and paper roses were thrown at him.

 

The 5 minutes of popularity were beautiful.

Notes:

So I started this in my polish class when I was bored, I had no idea what we were doing that class was extremely boring

Chapter 14: Childe's first day of literature club

Summary:

Chikde attends literature club with Zhongli. There, he reads Percy Jackson the Lightning Theif with the club. Though sudden chaos arrives in the middle of chapter one

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The next day at the end of the day, the second school was out, Childe speeded over to the literature club, ever so excited to read Percy Jackson with Kokomi Zhongli and the others. He wanted to see the 10 year old too. He sounded cool.

 

Opening the door, Childe saw that multiple people were already in the room. Kokomi, some blue haired kid who looked really young, some girl with a huge hat. Albedo was there too.

 

And then he saw him.

 

Delicate dog ears. A fluffy tail.

 

That was Gorou.

 

He looked so dreamy….

 

No! Childe’s heart was for Zhongli and only Zhongli. A dog wasn’t stealing his heart from him.

 

“Oh hey Childe!” Kokomi greeted him. “Ok, so everyone but Zhongli is here. Let’s wait for him.”

The club waited for 17 whole minutes for Zhongli to get back. The entire time, they ate cheetos and cookies, snacks that Gorou had brought for situations like these, for everyone to eat.

 

Finally, Zhongli arrived, Xiao close behind his leg.

 

“Sorry for the wait.” Zhongli began. “A dog attacked my brother on the way back. And then someone threw a rock in my eye, which tasted very good actually.”

Albedo dropped his pencil. Everyone else went quiet. Tears began in Childe’s eyes.

 

Zhongli ate rocks. He was so proud.

 

“Ahem hem hem.” Kokomi started. “Now that everyone is here, let’s introduce ourselves. I’ll start. My name is Sangonomiya Kokomi, I have a strong craving for violence and I am the slayer of all things related to the bitches named Kujou.”

 

Gorou aggressively clapped for Kokomi.

 

“I’m Gorou! I’m Kokomi’s dog, trainer of those with war cravings and also a slayer of those named Kujou. Hat girl, introduce yourself.”

Hat girl sighed.

 

“My name is Mona Megistus, an astrologist who originated from Fontaine. Donate to my Paypal.”

Childe threw one of his wallets at Mona. She immediately gasped.

 

“Thank you ginger. As a thanks, introduce yourself next.”

“No problem! Anyways, my name is Childe, I have a twin sister who looks nothing like me named Bertha who’s dating one of my best friends named Scaramouche. Oh! And my mom shoplifts even though she’s rich.”

“Scaramouche?” Kokomi began. “The short purple guy? The very violent one?”

“Yeah that’s the one.”

“You’re a strange man Childe. Anyway, please choose who introduces themselves next.”

“Zhongli, I choose you!”

“I’m not a pokemon but alright.” Zhongli sighed. “My name is Zhongli, right here is my little brother Xiao. I very much enjoy rocks.”

Xiao peeked out from behind Zhongli to wave before hiding again.

 

“He’s antisocial and has severe trust issues, I apologize. Anyway, Albedo, may you please introduce yourself?”

Albedo stopped drawing the gorgeous ass riding a huge cock to speak.

 

“I’m Albedo. I draw interesting things as you can see. Though because there are 2 children in the room I will not be showing. Pay me and I’ll draw anything though. Also donate to my paypal. Blue kid, you’re next.”

Childe threw another wallet at Albedo, who eagerly took it.

 

The blue haired kid got his nose out of his Harry Potter book to speak.

 

“I’m Xingqiu. Me and my friend Hu Tao are going to be rappers after we finish school, so I skipped as many grades as I could to get that future faster. She’s stupid so she has to complete school like a loser.”

 

Everyone clapped for him, even Xiao.

 

“Thank you my lieges.” Xingqiu bowed.

 

“12 year old behind zhongli over there, introduce yourself too.” Kokomi said.

 

“But I’m not in the club-” Xiao replied.

 

“Yes, but I heard you enjoy warrior cats. Therefore you must make an introduction.”

“Can Zhongli introduce me instead?”

“That’s fine I suppose. Go ahead Zhongli.”

“Ahem. This is Xiao, he likes warrior cats. He’s in 7th grade, turning 13 soon, and he plays the flute.”

Again, Xiao came out from behind Zhongli’s legs to wave before going back.

 

“Perfect!” Kokomi exclaimed. “Now we can begin reading. Gorou, pass out the books.”

“Got it!” Gorou wagged his dog tail as he handed everyone a copy of Percy Jackson, the Lighting Thief. Once everyone received their books, Kokomi spoke again.

 

“Everyone, open your books to chapter 1.”

Everyone opened their books to chapter 1.

 

“Ahem. Look, I didn’t ask to be a halfblood.” Kokomi began. “If you're reading this because you think you might be one, my advice is: close this book right now. Believe whatever lie your mom or dad told you about your birth, and try to lead a normal life. Being a half-blood is dangerous. It's scary. Most of the time, it gets you killed in painful, nasty ways. If you're a normal kid, reading this because you think it's fiction, great. Read on. I envy you for being able to believe that none of this ever happened. But if you recognize yourself in these pages-if you feel something stirring inside-stop reading immediately. You might be one of us. And once you know that, it's only a matter of  time before they sense it too, and they’ll come for you.“

 

Childe sniffled.

 

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you. My name is Percy Jackson. I’m twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York. Am I a troubled kid? Yeah. You could say that. I could start at any point in my short miserable life to prove it, but things really started going bad last May, when our sixth-grade class took a field trip to Manhattan-twenty-eight mental-case kids and two teachers on a yellow school bus, heading to the Metropolitan Museum of Art to look at ancient Greek and Roman stuff. I know-it sounds like torture. Most Yancy field trips were.”

A tear made its way out of Childe’s eye. He noticed others beginning to sniffle.

 

“But Mr. Brunner, our Latin teacher, was leading this trip, so I had hopes. Mr. Brunner was this middle-aged guy in a motorized wheelchair. He had thinning hair and a scruffy beard and a frayed tweed jacket, which always smelled like coffee. You wouldn't think he'd be cool, but he told stories and jokes and let us play games in class. He also had this awesome collection of Roman armor and weapons, so he was the only teacher whose class didn't put me to sleep. I hoped the trip would be okay. At least, I hoped that for once I wouldn't get in trouble. Boy, was I wrong.”

Childe shed more tears. He felt Zhongli place a hand on his shoulder.

 

“See, bad things happen to me on field trips. Like at my fifth grade school, when we went to the Saratoga battlefield, I had this accident with a Revolutionary War cannon. I wasn't aiming for the school bus, but of course I got expelled anyway. And before that, at my fourth-grade school, when we took a behind the scenes tour of the Marine World shark pool, I sort of hit the wrong lever on the catwalk and our class took an unplanned swim. And the time before that . . . Well, you get the idea. This trip, I was determined to be good.”

 

Childe was so close to breaking down.

 

“All the way into the city, I put up with Nancy Bobofit, the freckly redheaded kleptomaniac girl, hitting my best friend Grover in the back of the head with chunks of peanut butter-and-ketchup sandwich. Grover was an easy target. He was scrawny. He cried when he got frustrated. He must've been held back several grades, because he was the only sixth grader with acne and the start of a wispy beard on his chin. On top of all that, he was crippled. He had a note excusing him from P.E. for the rest of his life because he had some kind of muscular disease in his legs. He walked funny, like every step hurt him, but don't let that fool you. You should've seen him run when it was enchilada day in the cafeteria.”

 

Childe could hear hiccups coming from Xiao. He could tell he was a Grover kinnie already.

 

“"I'm going to kill her," I mumbled. Grover tried to calm me down. "It's okay. I like peanut butter." He dodged another piece of Nancy's lunch. "That's it." I started to get up, but Grover pulled me back to my seat. "You're already on probation," he reminded me. "You know who'll get blamed if anything happens." Looking back on it, I wish I'd decked Nancy Bobofit right then and there. In-school suspension would've been nothing compared to the mess I was about to get myself into.”

Childe and Xiao broke down into tears at the same time, in perfect sync, together.

 

“Woah are you two ok?” Kokomi asked.

 

“I’m fine.” Childe insisted. “That got a little too emotional.”

“Percy Jackson is indeed a rather emotional series my liege, as it is a masterpiece. A god created this book.”

 

“God blessed this horrible world with Percy Jackson.”

 

“Man, I want Grover to touch me.” Albedo randomly said.

 

“What the fuck he’s 12?” Mona said.

 

“He’s actually 28 in this book but ok.”

Zhongli nearly dropped his book. “You spoiled the book for me…”

“You never read Percy Jackson before my liege?” Xingqiu gasped.

 

Everyone else gasped.

 

Zhongli shook his head. "No I have not. Is that wrong?"

 

"It's very wrong my liege. What rock do you live under?"

 

"I eat those rocks."

 

"Of course you do."

 

Gorou loudly munched on a page of the book.

 

"Can I please just finish reading the damn chapter?" Kokomi asked.

 

"Wait for the two of them to stop crying first." Mona said. "Then you can finish."

 

"I have little siblings. I know how to comfort them." Albedo said before he cleared his throat.

 

Zhongli covered Xiao's ears.

 

"Shut the fuck up stop fucking crying you stupid fucking fetus stop fucking crying so we can fucking read."

 

"My liege, if I was your little brother, I'd cry even more."

 

"Your 10 he's 12 and the other is 7, there's a difference."

 

"To be honest, I'd cry too." Gorou admitted.

 

"Someone please just comfort them."

 

"Allow me my liege." Xingqiu said. "Once upon a time, there lived a lioness looked away in a tower, guarded by-"

 

"This is…..the fucking shrek script." Childe said between hiccups and sniffles.

 

"It's calming."

 

"No. It's emotional I kin donkey."

 

"Of course you do. Someone do something."

 

"Oh my fucking seaweed- let me try." Kokomi sighed. "Ahem. In the sky I prayed to, a lone shooting star-"

 

"Carrying happiness and miracles," Childe said, immediately recognizing the song.

 

"It announced a new beginning." Xiao eagerly joined in.

 

"Holy shit, you two are cultured. I'm proud of you guys." Kokomi shed a tear.

 

"My favorite band was Poppin'Party back in the day." Albedo sighed.

 

"Mine was afterglow!" Childe exclaimed. "They were super cool."

 

"I liked Roselia." Xiao said.

 

"What are you guys talking about?" Zhongli asked.

 

"Art." Childe simply responded, earning a slow nod from Zhongli.

 

"Now that you 2 aren't crying anymore, can I continue?" Kokomi asked. Childe and Xiao nodded.

 

"Great! Everyone look at your pages again. Ahem."

 

Kokomi continued on with the rest of chapter 1. This shit was so good. Childe noticed the surprised look on Zhongli's face at 90% of the scenes.

 

God was that man adorable for someone who never read Percy Jackson.

 

Seriously what rock did his royal ass parents keep him under all his life?

 

30 minutes later, the club ended. Everyone went home. Zhongli and Childe walked home together of course, as always. Childe and Xiao were currently in a heavy situation about enstars while Zhongli third wheeled.

 

"Undead's Gate of the Abyss is strangely relatable for no absolute reason. I feel I've gone to the abyss whatever that even is in a past life or something."

 

"Or you're just overthinking." Xiao shrugged. "Anyway, can we talk about how hot Rei Sakura is?"

 

"Xiao. You're 12." Zhongli sighed.

 

"Come on Zhongli! Your brother has to experience being a simp early."

 

"Oh alright. Fine. 5 minutes of simping."

 

"Hooray!" Xiao cheered. "Rei is so hot and pretty I want him to-"

 

"No, that's too far." Zhongli said. Xiao and Childe whined.

 

"Rei Sakura can drink my blood anyday he wants to. I'll happily let him have my blood anytime he wants to." Childe said.

 

"Same! He could drink all 7 liters of my blood if he-"

 

"Childe, Xiao, this is too far. No more simping."

 

"Aww! But it hasn't been 5 minutes yet." Xiao whined.

 

"Simp for someone else."

 

"Rinne."

 

Xiao kicked Childe.

 

"Ow! Ok uh- I don't know Himeru?"

 

"Better. I like Himeru a lot. He's pretty cool. But for some reason Tori reminds me of Venti. I think it's the voice and hair."

 

"Who's Venti again?" Childe asked.

 

"My only friend at school. You don't count because you're in a different school."

 

"Oh wow." Childe felt somewhat hurt.

 

"Anyway, Venti's really cool. He's very messy but cool. When he grows up he said he wants to be an alcoholic. I don't know what that is but it sounds like a cool job. Oh yeah! He's the best singer in the whole world too and also really good at the flute and can sing any song perfectly."

 

Childe sensed huge homosexual vibes from Xiao. He could tell Zhongli sensed it too.

 

"What's an alcoholic?" Xiao asked.

 

"Something you can be when you're 21 unless you're stupid. Like very stupid." Childe explained.

 

"Makes sense. Can I be one?"

 

"No no no- it's only for people with the letter v in their name."

 

"Aw man! I wanted to hang out at Venti's work…" Xiao sadly stared at the ground.

 

“Such a pity..” Zhongli sighed.

 

“Why don’t you tell us about your day at school Xiao?” Childe said.

 

“You really wanna know what torture I went through today? Ok whatever, fine.” Xiao took a deep breath. “First, I went into my first class and someone threw 5 books in my face, and then I got a pencil shoved in my nose and stopped breathing for 30 seconds. Then, the teacher yelled at me for no reason in front of everyone and I had to the losers corner and the stupid teacher gave me an F for no reason too and everyone kept throwing scissors at me. And then this one pieces of- piece of-”

“You can swear.” Zhongli said.

 

“And then this one piece of shit-” Xiao went quiet for a moment. He swore. Childe wasn’t all too shocked. But the shocked look on Xiao’s face was interesting.

 

“They spat on my food and ate everything I had for lunch. And they stole my water bottle. And then someone put a really sticky marshmallow in my hair. But Venti helped me take it out without needing to shave my head so it was ok. And then at band someone broke my flute and blamed it on me so now I’m thousands of mora in debt to the band teacher. And then I got thrown into a muddy puddle and had to eat muddy water. And all my homework was stolen as always.”

Childe shed a tear. On this very day when he was Xiao’s age, the same toture happened to him.

 

Childe then took out his other wallet.

 

“Holy shit Xiao. Give this to your band teacher, and make sure you hide behind Venti every second. When I was in 7th grade I would hide behind Signora because everyone was scared of her.”

“Thank you- but nobody is scared of Venti.”

“Oh. Oh damn. Well then- try befriending someone everyone is scared of. They should defend you and Venti.”

“Got it. Thanks for the advice cloudwing.”

 

“Heh, no problem foxtooth.”

A while later, they finally arrived at Zhongli’s castle. Xiao and Childe exchanged their usual barks and growls. Zhongli and Childe waved goodbye as always.

 

That evening when Childe got home, he swore an oath to Rex Lapis.

 

He promised he’d not only marry Zhongli and read all of the Percy Jackson books to him, but he also promised that once Xiao was in highschool, he’d walk him to every class and kill everyone who hurt him.

 

He’d be a great brother in law to him.

Notes:

Oh how I adore Percy Jackson 💖

Chapter 15: Childe trains for transformation class

Summary:

Transformation training starts. Childe also finds out something about Dottore

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Today was the day.

Childe would be enrolled into transformation training class.

Now that he was 15 and a half, he would get to start his training class for transforming.

And once he entered his Junior year he’d get to see what his delusion was really for.

Hopefully his father didn’t give him anything cheap.

Opening the door and entering his new class, he took the empty seat in the back by the window.

The teacher coughed out a frog before speaking.

“Hello class. I am your teacher. Call me Mr. Koff, because I cough a lot. Anyways, we’re discussing how to transform. First, you must consume a lot of spiritual energy. Yes, breathe the oxygen. Breathe it damn well. In and out. In and out. Just like that, yeah. Ah fuck-”

Mr. Koff coughed out a snake.

“Sorry class, I’m not the same as I used to be. Anyways, you. Brian demonstrate how to breathe for us.”

Brain? As in Childe’s childhood friend Brian?

Brian broke into tears.

“Oh my god what the fuck Brian? Holy Rex Lapis get your ass to the counselors office I don’t want to see your crybaby ass right now.”

Brian eagerly ran out of the class.

Brian was so lucky.

“Anyways, now that the crybaby bitch is gone. You, random kid demonstrate.”

Random kid got up and demonstrated how to breathe. All of a sudden, their nose glowed a little bit.

“Very good. If a body part glows that means you’re doing it right. And that also means that’s your key transformation part. Everyone try doing that now.”

Everyone tried breathing. Childe’s delusion glowed. It really wasn’t anything cheap.

“Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that whatever glows it hurts for 5 hours straight. Sometimes the pain is so bad that it might explode, you bleed uncontrollably, or you just die.”

What the fuck. Why was this even a class?

Nothing hurt Childe’s body.

Thank you so much dad.

Suddenly a random kids entire hand exploded.

“First one. Go to the nurse kiddo.”

The kid ran out of the classroom crying.

“Ok class, next step. Shove all of your energy into that one body part. It will glow really brightly so you may go blind. If your body part is your eyes you’re so fucked.”

A random kid started crying.

Soon, a bunch of light filled the room. One kids eyes were bleeding from how bright they were.

Childe’s delusion shined brightly. He was the only student who wasn’t in pain.

“Ok class. Good job. Anyways this pain will last a whole month. Ok next step. Motivation. Think of a strong motivation. Ginger, what’s your motivation?” Mr.Koff pointed to Childe.

“Zhongli’s ass.”

“Interesting.”

Everyone started thinking of their moments. Many heads started bleeding. Childe was confused on why he felt nothing by thinking about Zhongli’s ass.

Suddenly the bell rang.

“Ah shit kids. Class is over, go do your math class or whatever you shits have. Bye.”

 

Everyone but Childe cried as they left.

As annoying as the teacher was, Childe quite liked that class. Learning the Fontaine language was boring anyway. He already understood it all anyway.

Actually no, he did not understand it at all. All he remembered was bonjour.

Childe walked to the school's exit. Along the way, he noticed Dottore in the hallway, aggressively texting someone.

And because Childe was a bitch who never respected personal space, he walked over and took a peek at his phone.

The name of the guy Dottore was texting was “Sugar daddy lone.”

Dottore had a sugar daddy? And Childe wasn’t it? Oh he was so mad! But maybe he could be his benefactor instead.

Reading the messages, it was clear to the ginger that this guy was Dottore’s sugar daddy.

“PANTY PANTY PANTY LONEY LONEY LONE LONE PANTA PANTA PAN PAN PANNI PANNI LONE LONE PANTALONE!!!!!!!”

“Dot what the fuck do you want”

“I”M OUT OF FOOD AND MONEY CAN YOU SEND A COUPLE FAT ASS BUCKS TO MY PAYPAL BAE??!??!?!?!!? PLEASE I’M STARVING AND SO ARE THE EXPERIMENTS”

“What the fuck did I tell youi about raising those experiemnets in your basement? Ok fine whatever fuck you i’ll send 2 million.”

“TYSM ILY PANTY PANTY I’LL BE EXTRA HOT WHEN I SEE YOU THIS WEEKEND!!”

“You better fucking be bitch”

“ILY”

“Ilyt bitch”

Interesting.

“Oh hey Dottore,” Childe obnoxiously said. Dottore jumped and screamed, nearly dropping his phone.

“EW CHILDE- I mean uh oh hey Childe! I was just texting my step mother-”

“No you were fucking not.” Childe growled before pinning Dottore to the wall.

“I swear I was texting my mom- and aren’t you into Zhongli? Let the fuck go of me.”

“Who’s sugar daddy lone?”

“I have bitches unlike you.”

“Why can’t I be your sugar daddy I’m rich as fuck?”

“Because I’m not into ginger asses, only bitches named Pantalone and Pedrolino. Pulcinella is hot too so that’s an exception.”

Childe dropped Dottore.

He was angry. He wanted to be his sugar daddy too….

Childe broke into tears.

‘Hey hey- stop fucking crying! You can be my fourth sugar daddy under certain circumstances.”:

“WOOOO! Ok what are the circumstances?”

“You never tell anyone about this. You become a bitch named Tartaglia around me. And I get to dom if you wanna go.”

“Bet! But I’m saving that last part for Zhongli. And I’m topping.”

“Get it Tartaglia.”

“That sounds weird as shit.”

“Do I give a shit?”

“No.”

“Exactly. So put the fuck up with it and you’ll be good.”

“Bet.”

“This moment deserves a song.”

“Dottore this isn’t a Disney movie.”

“But it's what princesses do.”

Childe remembered how badly he wanted to be a pretty princess.

Oh fuck yeah he’d sing.

“There lived a certain man. In Liyue long ago. He was big and strong and his eyes a flaming glow. Most people look at him with terror and fear. But to Liyuen men he was such a lovely dear. He could preach the bible like a preacher full of ecstasy and fire. And he was just the kind of teacher men would desire.”

Childe took a deep breath.

“Tar Tar Taglia Liyue’s greatest sugar daddy. It was shame how he went on.”

Dottore started sobbing.

“Tar Tar Taglia lover of the Liyuen prince.There was a wallet that really was gone.”

Dottore burst into tears.

Childe’s voice was angelic. It was the voice of a true princess. He sounded absolutely beautiful. Grace in every word, elegance and power and pride with the perfect hint of chaos and love and adoration and beauty.

“Childe…I never knew you were such a great singer.”

“Neither did I.”

Suddenly, a burst of clapping filled the entire school.

Everyone clapped and cheered for Childe. Had he been so loud?

Childe ran out of the building, tears in his eyes. In his head played Devils Don’t Fly.

“Devil’s don’t fly…..But we almost had it all,” Childe sang softly to himself.

Childe noticed Zhongli sobbing by a tree. Had he heard him too?

“Hey Zhongli! How was your transformation class you had earlier?”

“Oh my god Childe who sang?”

“I don’t know.”

Zhongli sighed. “It was absolutely gorgeous. I wish Xiao could’ve heard. Anyways my transformation class as shit. My ass hurts.”

 

“Wait a damn minute- your ass?”

“Yes. It hurts to sit down.”

“I didn’t have a single pain in my body thanks to my delusion. But this one kid’s eyes glowed. Speaking of glowing, your ass glow is really bright.”

“Oh my god it’s still visible- I hope Xiao never goes through this pain. I can’t even take a shit.” Zhongli sobbed.

“Your ass will recover soon! Don't worry Zhongli.”

“Yeah, you’re right. Let’s go get Xiao now.”

“He’ll be delighted to hear about the crazy shit we did today! I wonder what happened to him with the bullies though.”

And so, they walked to Xiao’s middle school. Along the way Zhongli wouldn’t stop pestering Childe about the singing he heard.

Oh Zhongli, if only you knew.

Notes:

I hate polish class I severely apologize if you're polish

Chapter 16: Childe's half date

Summary:

Childe asks Zhongli out./ It fails. The some unexpected twists happen.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Today was the day. Childe had been practicing for weeks, but today was the day.

He’d ask Zhongli out.

He had to do it today.

“Zhongli do you wanna uh- do you wanna go out with me?” He asked his narwhal plushie, the same one he had received for his birthday.

The plushie just fell to its side.

“Yes!” The ginger cheered. “Gotta blast narwhal!”

Childe had previously dosed down 7 redbulls and a monster energy drink, so he’d arrive to school very fast. Hopefully he’d be so energized by the end of the day too.

And oh holy shit was he not.

After those 7 hellish hours were over and he met Zhongli outside, he had little energy left. He literally could not process anything.

But he had to ask this man out.

Today.

Right now.

“Hey Zhongli!” Childe greeted the other male.

“Oh. Hello Childe.”

“I have a uh- question for ya.”

Childe’s face was already turning red. He was so nervous.

“Don’t fuck up bitch,” the Bertha voiuce in his head told him. He then nodded.

“What do you need Childe?” Zhongli asked.

“I was wondering-” Childe aggressively moved his fingers around.

“Go on.”

“Well I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I- I-”

“Please spit it out already in case Xiao has 8 broken bones.”

“Do you wanna go out with me?” Childe blurted out finally.

Zhongli tilted his head. “Oh? You mean you want to hang out? Why didn’t you just say so. Of course I’d hang out with you.”

Childe’s heart shattered.

Zhongli really didn’t understand?

He was so sad.

“Uh yeah- anyways let’s meet up at McDonalds at 5 PM.”

“Noted.”

After the two went to get Xiao, who actually did have 8 broken bones, they walked to Zhongli’s castle.

“And then-” Xiao hicced. “They threw the desk at me and threw me at the ceiling fan and when I fell they stomped on me and I kept bleeding and crying and it hurt really bad.”

“The same thing happened to me on this day when I was in 7th grade. I feel so fucking bad for you Xiao,” Childe sniffled.

“13 year olds like Xiao have it so hard these days. I wish my mother would let me execute those children.”

“Mom doesn’t care about us, doesn’t she?” Xiao suddenly said.

“...I didn’t want you to know the truth Xiao.”

Both brothers started crying, and then Childe cried.

What a day.

“Why don’t we all go to McDonald’s together?” Zhongli suggested.

A child tagging along Childe’s date?

Oh well. Fuck.

“Sure! Let’s go right now.”

Well there went Childe’s opportunity to change into formal clothes.

The 3 walked over to McDonald’s, their tears stopping midway.

FInally they were here.

McDonald’s play place.

“McDonald’s McDonald;s!” Xiao cheered. “Peasant food is so good! I hate that gourmet the chefs cook. They put a fish in my almond tofu. Disgusting.”

“They forced me to eat seafood no matter how many times I pretended to be allergic. Ok but maybe I am allergic- I threw up 12 times every time.”

Childe sweated. He loved seafood.

They headed inside McDonald's, grabbed a table for 4 since there wasn’t a table for 3, and then ordered food.

Everyone got a happy meal.

Once their food arrived, they all happily ate.

Xiao was the only one who got gogurt instead of apples.

Childe did most of the talking, oversharing about his past. Atleast people gave him their fries out of pity.

Then Xiao suddenly gasped.

“Holy Rex Lapis! Venti!!!”

He pointed his adorable little 13 year old finger to a kid, literally 3 centimeters taller than Xiao. He had black hair, the front tied into braids. For some reason his braids were blue. Slay the quirkiness or whatever. He also had big ass cyan eyes. 13 year old things.

“XIAOOOOO!” The kid screamed before running over to their table, immediately sitting next to Xiao.

Was this a double date now?

“HI XIAO’S BIG BROTHER AND UGLY GINGER GUY! WAIT A MINUTE YOU’RE A GINGER?? WOAH ARE YOU GINGERBRAVE AS A HUMAN???!?!?!”

Childe was able to shit out tears.

Ginger fucking brave.

But Venti’s energy was amazing.

“Oh. It’s you again.” Zhongli sounded rather disgusted. He must’ve really disliked Venti.

Xiao had the brightest smile ever, the biggest one Childe has ever seen him make.

“HOW ARE YOUR BONES???!?”

“A LITTLE BETTER BUT NOT THE BEST!”

“ATLEAST YOU’RE DOING BETTER! REALLY SORRY I COULDN’T HELP, JOE LOCKED ME IN THE JANITORS CLOSET!!!!!”

“JOE WhAT??!??!?!?”

“Who’s Joe?” Zhohngli asked.

Childe snickered.

“Joe mama.”

Everyone burst out laughing except for Zhongli.

Zhongli’s soul left his body for a second.

“Oh my jesus lord.”

 

“Hey Venti say jesus without je!” Childe said.

“Sus!”

Again, everyone but Zhongli burst out laughing.

“Oh my god..”

“ANYWAYS GINGER WHAT’S YOUR NAME??!?!?”

“Childe? What’s yours kiddo?”

“VENTI THE FUTURE ALCOHOLIC!”

“NICE!”

“HEY XIAO WANNA SEE MY COOL NEW MAGIC TRICK?!??!!”

“YES!”

“OK WATCH THIS!!!!”

Venti extended out his hand to Zhongli.

“Hold my hand for a second please.”

“Fine.”

They held hands. Woah.

“Why won’t it work? Oh no. I mean uh- XIAO LET’S GO PLAY IN THE PLAY PLACE!”

“OK!”

The two children ran over to the play place.

“That’s Xiao’s only friend?” Childe asked.

“Yes, sadly.”

“Venti seems chaotic. Wish I had him not gonna lie.”

“Oh my god Childe look-”

Zhongli pointed to the one of the clear red ball sticking out of the play place.

Xiao and Venti were kissing.

Childe burst into tears.

“A FUCKING 13 YEAR OLD HAS BETTER LOVE LIFE THAN ME?!?!?!??!?!”

“Sadly, a better love life than both of us.”

The 2 15 year olds cried, and the 2 13 year olds made out.

“I wonder how long they’ve been together. How could Xiao hide this from me?”

“No idea. No idea.”

Well, then. Congrats Xiao! You’re officially cooler than Childe and Zhongli.

Notes:

lvl 80 Childe di 86k lets go

Chapter 17: Childe's halloween

Summary:

Childe celebrates halloween properly for once. Many things happen this chaotic night

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Today, Childe would dress up as something that wasn’t a trash bag.

He’d dress up as a cat maid tonight.

Finishing his super edgy looking eyeliner, he looked in the mirror.

Holy fuck he was gorgeous.

He had the eyebags, black nails, black ears and a tail, a collar with a bell, stockings with bows, and a really hot maid outfit that was in fact above the knee. But he was amab, he wouldn’t die.

He walked to his school and then the gym, practicing his meows and nyas. The moment he opened the gym door he was greeted with loud as fuck music. WHo the fuck was playing mcr on the DJ? Whatever. Childe went straight to the snack bar.

“Peasant food tastes the same as I remember..”

“Zhongli?”

And there Zhongli was. His costume- what the fuck.

“Zhongli, what's your costume?” The ginger asked.

“Oh hello Childe. Albedo gave this to me. He said I was a bunny boy or something? But why is there so much skin..?”

Childe drooled. Zhongli was so hot. He was going to pay Albedo 3 wallets.

“You look really good!”

“Thank you. You look good too.”

“Is Xiao here?”

“No. He doesn’t attend our school so he’s unable to come, sadly.”

“Aww.”

“It’s upsetting.”

“But where are those who-”

Suddenly, an entire pumpkin was thrown at Zhongli

“HOLY SHIT FUCK ARE YOU OK ZHONGLI DO YOU NEED A KIS- HU- HELP??” Childe screamed.

“No no I’m alright, this happened 3 times now.” Zhongli straight up pulled the pumpkin off his head.

“Wow. Wow.”

“Anyways I’m rather bored. Peasant parties are interesting but they die out fast. Would you like to go trick or treating with me instead?”

“YES!”

“Perfect! Let’s go.”

Now that Zhongli and Childe left the school gym, it finally was just the two of them. They had stolen some plastic bags so they were able to store their candy.

They then arrived at the first house, rang the doorbell and waited. Once the door opened, it was immediately closed.

“Fuck you bitch my mother starves me at home.” Childe said.

The door opened again and suddenly the person put all of the candy in Childe’s bag.

“THANK YOU LADY”

 

“Wow. What magic did you use there?” Zhongli asked.

“Honesty.”

The two walked to the next couple of houses and didn’t stop until their bags were completely full.

“So, what now?” Childe asked as he ate a gummy bear. Zhongli bit his hershey.

“Well, I heard about a costume contest. Would you like to enter? It’s at the party, but it takes place during the later hours.”

“Let’s enter! We’ll win with our hotness.”

“Yes. Yes we will.”

Returning to the school, and entering the gym, this time being greeted with fucking Niki Minaj, the two future boyfriends waited for the costume contest to start. Childe was bored as balls.

“Did you know there are 3 types of rocks? Igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic? Slate is a type of igneous rock. It’s made from molten magma cooling down. Sedimentary is the most common type of rock. It’s the easiest to find. Such rock includes sandstone, chalk, and limestone. Marble is a type of metamorphic rock. Certain rocks are called ores. Such ores include gold and iron, think like a minecraft player, not a dream smp stan. If you watch them stay away from me I don’t want your disease. Also! Rocks are used to make toothpaste.”

Childe sang Joyful Box as he aggressively tried to get all perfect and a full combo while also listening to Zhongli.

“You sound like my old rock teacher.”

“Exactly.”

Childe was on the last few notes. Yes yes. Perfect. Perfect. Great- FUCK

Childe screamed. He’d never get that S+

“Are you alright?” Zhongli asked.

“No.”

“Oh. Hey can I try?”

“Yeah sure.”

Childe gave Zhongli his phone. Zhongli was seriously about to play fucking enstars for the first time, not to mention immediately going for expert mode.

Zhongli tapped the notes. Perfects. He did the flick nites. Perfects. He did the hold notes. Perfect.

Childe was amazed.

A minute later, Zhongli completed the entire song. He got all perfect and an S+

Childe nearly cried. He held back his tears so he wouldn’t fuck up his makeup.

“That was fun! What’s the game called? How do I get it?” Zhongli asked.

“You have to download a couple of illegal files or else you’ll get stuck in the Inazuman app store.”

“Oh. Yes, that will ruin my image as a royal, I’ll be exiled.”

“Hey hey you can play it on my phone!” Childe suggested.

“Thank you! I’ll begin now if that’s alright.”

And for an entire fucking hour, Zhongli played Enstars on Childe’s phone, using up the absolute shit out of his whistles. Childe thought he must’ve been an akatsukiP since Zhongli did a bunch of their songs. It was concerning how Zhongli could get all perfect on everything as a mobile thumb player. Zhongli was a god.

“Childe, it's time for the contest,” Zhongli suddenly said. “Let’s enter!”

“Bet.”

And so the 2 went to go sign up for the damned costume contest and got on stage. After all of that, they waited for the stupid host to speak the fuck up. Not many people were on stage though. It was Childe, Zhongli, Albedo in a dick costume which nobody knows how the fuck he even got inside, and some npc looking guy dressed as a french fry.

“Ok weirdos, pose or some shit. Bunny is 1, Maid is 2, Dick is 3, French fry bitch is 4. Literally just fucking pose and everyone will vote,” said the host person. They looked like an npc.

“Zhongli do a barrel roll,” Childe said.

“What?”

 

Suddenly the entire gym started screaming at Zhongli to do a barrel roll.

“Childe help me.”

Literally everyone was recording Zhongli now, even Childe.

“Do it for the clout.”

“If you put it that way-” Zhongli sighed and proceeded to do a barrel roll. Childe’s face burned. Childe thought he heard someone moan.

Once Zhongli was done the entire gym cheered for him.

The french fry did a barrel roll too. It wasn’t as sexy as Zhongli’s, everyone threw food at the copy cat bitch. Eventually he was disqualified. Loser.

“You know like nya” Childe said and even did a little pose. He got many claps.

Albedo would jump, trying to look like- you know you know. He got many claps as well.

“Ok bitches put your votes in.”

The 3 males on stage just waited for everyone to put their papers with their votes on the piles. Childe hoped he’d get second atleast. He wanted Zhongli to win.

“Ok assholes the votes are all on,” said the host. “And the winner is- AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- bunny suit man for amazing fanservice.”

Everyone clapped and Childe, Zhongli burst into tears and so did Childe and Albedo. Childe ran over to Zhongli and hugged him as flowers and candies were thrown at the royal.

“You did amazing Zhongli,” Childe told him.

“Thank you Childe. Now please wait for me outside as I decline these date offers.”

 

“Bet.”

Childe walked the stage and the first thing he was met with was Scaramouche’s ugly ass hat in his face.

“Ow! You asshole Mouchie!”

“EW WHAT FUCKING NICKNMAME IS THAT?” Scaramouche nearly threw up.

“A hot one.”

This was Childe’s best Halloween ever.

Notes:

Yes I am posting this before halloween indeed carry on
Also to Hu Tao, Thoma, and/or staff of Homa wanters I wish you the best of luck

Chapter 18: Childe transforms

Summary:

Now that Childe is in his third year and officially a 16 year old, he gets to transform! Though the unexpected happens...

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Months had gone by, Childe was now in his third year. Woohoo! One year left Childe, you got this.

 

By now he understood everythinggggggg about his school. He knew allllllll of the classes, alllllll of the halls, and allllllllll of the best people.

 

He walked to school with Zhongli as he did everyday. Zhongli had figured out a way to get to school without 7 royal guards following him, so that meant he could walk with Childe now.

 

Today was transformation class. Today Childe would see what his hidden form was.

 

Childe had to go to the school’s football field since some transformations could be crazy. Plus when transforming something might set on fire. He was a little surprised to see half of everyone he knew there. There was Albedo, Zhongli, Scaramouche, Ganyu, and Signora. The Diluc guy who Childe never talked to was also there. Bertha was even there. Also Brian!

 

“Ok class,” the old ass teacher began. “You, the npc guy, transform.”

Brian sobbed and stepped forward.

 

“Remember to think about the most important thing to you,” the teacher swiftly added.

 

Brian looked like he thought hard and suddenly flames sprouted and everything and holy shit he transformed.

 

“Woah! You’re an epic expresso cookie! How unexpected.”

 

Brian cheered and went back in line. Childe was jealous.

 

“Ok Diluc guy transform,” said the teacher.

 

“Oh my fucking god.”

Diluc stepped forward and transformed. A bunch of fire, like a lot.

 

“No fucking way a rare batman!!!!!!!!!! Only rare though smh loser.”

“Fuck.”

Diluc went back in line and a few kids laughed at him. Then those kids transformed and became common rats. Losers.

 

It was then Ganyu’s turn. A bunchhhhh of ice and snow appeared and woah she was hugeeeeeeeee. According to the teacher she was a legendary Qilin (also nicknamed coco goats as children liked to call them) which were super rare adepti beasts.

 

Signora transformed and was this huge moth. She committed arson with every flap of her moth wings. Childe was scared of her. She was apparently an epic.

 

Albedo transformed into a legendary piece of chalk. Someone almost stepped on him and when he transformed back he cried.

 

Scaramouche transformed into a hot woman. He looked a lot like his mom.

 

“This is what mother intended for me to become…..she’d be so proud. Oh Ei you little bitch I hate you so fucking much I loved yae so much more. You always cherished Raiden…..Atleast i’m an epic.” Scaramouche sobbed.

 

Bertha transformed next and she was a rare princess cookie. Again Childe was super jealous especially because being a princess was his dream.

 

Zhongli transformed next. He made a bunch of rocks and dust and shit as he transformed. He showed so much skin Childe was in heaven.

 

“N-no way!” The teacher gasped. “You’re an ancient archon!”

“Oh no...mother and father will kill me when they find out I transformed at school,” Zhongli mumbled.

 

Childe forgot Zhongli was supposed to keep his identity as a prince a secret.

 

“Ok ginger shit next.”

Childe stepped forward and holy fuck, whales and water and sparks and electricity everywhere. He grew to a 12 foot tall whatever the fuck he was.

 

“OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Everyone gasped.

 

“Ginger- you’re- ultra legendary ancient foul legacy!!!!!!!!!! But it can’t be- no way….Only the- oh my god-”

“I’m a what?” Childe asked.

 

“Foul legacy. The 11th of the 11 Snezhnayan princesses.”

“SWEET!”

 

Childe stepped back in line and noticed Zhongli staring at him in shock.

 

“Childe- I- I- I can’t believe it?”

“What’s wrong?” Childe asked.

 

“I know this may be sudden but- we-”

Zhongli pulled Childe into a kiss. Childe kissed back.

 

This moment was all he ever wanted. It was...magical. Childe didn’t expect this day to ever come. But now it’s true. Maybe thi transformation class was all he needed to become a princess. He kissed a prince. He was so in love. Zhongli’s lips tasted really good too, they tasted like rocks.

 

Zhongli pulled away so Childe did.

 

“I’m sorry. I need a moment to rethink everything right now.”

And with that Zhongli ran away.

 

Childe didn't understand.

 

Suddenly his teacher walked over to him.

 

"Fuck, he wasn't supposed to realize that yet. I hate how he's smart. Better go erase that thought from his head now, see ya carrot top ass."

 

Childe shrugged and went home, sobbing. He got so many weird stares at school anyway. What did he do? Was his transformation bad? Did he have to be something better? He wanted to scream his head off and die.

 

He hoped Zhongli was alright, and would explain to him whatever he did.

 

Hopefully.

 

Oh Childe you fucking idiot.

Notes:

I'm going to rip my hair out I died again

Chapter 19: The royal bloodtest

Summary:

Royal guards come to Childe's door and take his blood for a test to see who the Snezhnayan princess is. Childe is very confused but nonetheless hopes to be a princess

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The next day, the transformation class teacher told Childe he erased everyone's memories. Childe was rather thankful for that, since all the staring made him uncomfortable. But he still didn't understand what all of this Snezhnayan Princess stuff was about.

And he didn't have to.

Because the teacher erased his memory too.

When the ginger arrived home he found Scaramouche in his room sobbing.

"Mouche what's wrong?" Childe asked.

"Everything."

Childe pat Scaramouche's head, which causes his hand to be grabbed and twisted.

"Ok get the fuck out of my house now."

"Fine asshole."

And with that Scaramouche jumped out the window and ran. Childe waved and shouted, "toodles bottom!" and then closed his window.

5 minutes later his mother came up to his room and immediately screamed at him.

"Dumbass ugly ass ginger stupid ass blue eyed bitch who I kidnapped!" She shouted.

"You what me?" Childe asked.

"N-nothing! Anyway get your ass in the kitchen and act like a good maid."

Childe groaned. "Yes mother."

The blue eyed male went downstairs and grabbed the brook to once again, clean the whole house which was already extremely clean since Childe was the ultimate malewife.

He managed to take a peak at what Bertha was looking at on her phone. Why was she searching up pretty women on Google? Maybe she was gay. Well looks like Scaramouche is getting dumped and Bertha will go for Signora. Or maybe Bertha liked everyone. She was just like him fr go for it Bertha.

As Childe sweeped, he heard a knock on the door and went to go open it. When he did, he gasped.

Two royal guards at the doorstep holding syringes.

"Hello sirs!" Childe greeted and bowed like a little maid.

"Oh hey carrot thing. May we speak to your mother?"

"Give me a moment she's taking a shit-"

Childe went to go get his horrible mother off the toilet so that she could meet the guards. She gasped when seeing them and muttered something about Snezhnaya.

"O-oh- hello! What are you two doing here?" Said his mother.

"We're here to take blood tests so we can find out who the lost Snezhnayan princess is. It's that time of year again," Guard 1 answered.

"I see. Well I'm sure Bertha is a princess, right Bertha?"

Bertha continued looking at women.

"Anyways take their blood tests, Bertha first though." Said the children's mother.

The two guards stabbed Bertha with the syringe and got her blood, she was too distracted by the pretty women to noticed. After, Childe got his blood taken away. The needle pinched a little but he was too emo to be affected by a stupid needle.

"Bye assho- guards! Thank you for coming. When will the results be out by the way?" Childe and Bertha's mother asked.

"Tomorrow," Guard 2 answered.

"All right! Thank you."

The two guards left and sent to the next house. The mother sighed of relief and then looked at Childe with anger. She then threw something at him and he fell and flipped over the table, taking Bertha with him which revealed that she was looking at women.

"They're going to find out what I did because of you and your stupid blood. Grrr!" The mother shouted before throwing a chair at Childe and then stomping away.

Childe sighed and then looked at Bertha's phone.

"That girl is hot."

Notes:

It's my birthday tell me happy birthday 12/14 btw for timezone things

Chapter 20

Summary:

Childe goes to Snezhnaya and meets a little sibling and another girl. He heard about other news and is very excited about it.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The next day the guards returned with the results of the blood test. Childe eagerly waited all day for the results since he was honestly curious if he was a princess. He had a feeling...that he was supposed to be one. He always wanted to be one, but he thought that something happened two days ago but he couldn't quite remember. Little did he know his memory about that day was wiped entirely.

The guards knocked again and being the maid he was he opened the door, but the guards immediately grabbed him. Bertha just stared since she didn't really care about everything but his mom looked furious.

"This child is the lost Snezhnayan Princess," Guard 2 announced.

"Cool congrats little brother," Bertha said and she clapped as did Guard 1. Mother just stared furiously.

"How is he the princess????!?!!!!? He's so ugly! Bertha's the princess!!!!"

"Ma'am you're under arrest for kidnapping."

"Nooooo!!!!!"

Childe was so confused.

"Is Bertha gonna come with me?" He asked.

"No." The guards both said at once.

"Oh..."

"Don't worry ginger I have Scaramouche."

"Yesh you're right Bertha, you got this. I'd hug you and all but this guard is an asshole so-"

"Dont worry brother. Go off and be a princess and get married and do princess shit."

"I will. I love you sister."

Bertha smiled. "I'm sorry for everything mom made me do even though I apologized long ago. Love you too bro."

"You're 100% forgiven."

Childe was escorted to his helicopter to Snezhnaya. From his final conversation with Bertha he felt prideful. He would find a way to get her to be accepted in the castle, nobody wanted to be related to their asshole mother.

The ginger hopped on the helicopter, and an hour later he arrived in Snezhnaya. Immediately, the strong wind pushed him and he fell into the snow. He laughed if off though, since it was fun. He was seeing snow for the first time in his life.

He ate a bit of it.

It tasted bad.

He spat the frozen rain water out and followed the guards to the castle of Snezhnaya. Now it was hugeeee. Like huger than Zhongli's ass. That was how big it was. Chikde was so fascinated to be inside.

The guards let him in and he just stared at the huge interior. And then straight away at the end of the room was a person, a woman, rather young, on a throne. On an even smaller throne was an even smaller child, but not a woman. The girl had white? Or maybe light blue- or white with blue highlights....hair and eyes. She looked extremely pale as if she hadn't been outside for 27 years jesus Christ. But the little boy looked like a mini Childe. Ginger with blue eyes.

"So you finally arrived asshole. I spent my whole youth training for this bullshit and now that you're here you can finally take over thank fucking god," said the girl.

"Hi Ajax! Hey Ajax! Ajax! Ajax! Hey hey Ajax!" The other tiny child waved and smiled.

"Who are you guys?" Childe asked.

The girl sighed. "I'm Tsarista, that's Teucer. I'm supposed to be a fucking god right now and not a princess but your other sister wasn't born yet so she couldn't take your place and your older siblings literally just got up and left without leaving a trace behind and yeah."

"Cool. Now why did Teufer call me Ajax?"

"That's your name you idiot."

"What? Ew! Gross. Ajax is so basic I like Childe a lot more and my abusive step mom gave that name to me."

"Jesus christ...You know what, yeah, you can still be named Childe who gives a fuck."

Childe jumped and cheered.

"Anyways ginger your wedding with Princess Zhongli is tomorrow."

Childe began squealing.

"WOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!"

"All of your friends and sister will be invited."

"WOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!"

"And we'll be executing your step mom."

"WOOOOOHOOOOOO!!!!!"

"You done now? That's all there was to say. Ke get your ass to bed we already have the perfect wedding things for you."

Childe saluted and Tsarista sighed.

"Boy I die."

Notes:

2 chapters in a night the yassification of Qii_milkkt3a rn

Chapter 21: Merry Christmas

Summary:

It was Christmas time, and Childe was excited for the first time? Why? Because Signora was buying him the IPhone12

Chapter Text

Childe woke up.

It was 4 PM and Christmas eve.

Winter break was fucking amazing.

Unlocking his phone he immediately checked his Instagram messages, and he was surprised to see that Signora had spammed him.

"What the fuck do you want," he typed and sent the really hot woman, who ended up replyijg immediately with: "kys. and also meet me at walmart now"

So Childe threw on some clothes and shoes and went to the local Walmart. After a few minutes of standing around and looking stupid, he spotted Signora and went up to her. Though he was ignored for a while since Signora was busy flirting with a group of pretty women. Childe's jaw fell open when he saw how easily they exchanged numbers. Someone even gave Signora the info to their carrd pro account!

"You lucky mother fucker, literally a mother fucker," Childe said once the girls left. Signora punched him and he fell and slipped on ice and eventually his face landed on dog shit and snow.

"Oops. Anyway merry fucking Christmas you ass, because I'm the best I've prepared something nice for you."

"No fucking way."

"Yes fucking way. Now take this and go to the McDonald's 2 blocks away."

Signora placed a wrapped up box in Childe's hands, he happily accepted the gift.

"Thanks girly! Can I open it now?"

"I don't care open it right now."

Childe opened his Christmas present happily.

No way.

The IPhone12.

He gasped and hugged the box.

"You're a girlboss."

"I know. Now get the fuck away from me."

Chikde got the fuck away from Signora and went to the McDonald's 2 blocks away as ordered. He entered the fast food restaurant and immediately got punched in the way and slioped on ice and bumped his head against a stop sign.

"Sorry man," said a familiar voice.

"Albedo?" Childe asked.

"I thought you were Kaeya for a moment he's been begging me to draw Shawn Mendes x Abyss Mage nsfw a lot lately. Anyways get your ass in."

Childe got his ass in.

"Sit your ass down in that booth."

Childe sat his ass down in that booth.

"I fucking hate my life bro, I literally drew a hentai stop motion and made just 50,000 mora when that shit took so much time, Klee and Razor need their Christmas presents and I also have to buy shit for all of my friends including you. Sorry for trauma dumping by the way I'm just mad, anyways merry Christmas man. I'm buying you McDonald's."

Childe threw a wallet at Albedo and then preceeded to do a little happy dance on the table over getting a happy meal. What a guy.

So the two little fuckers sat at McDonald's eating happy meals while trauma dumping a ton of unnecessary shit on eachother. "I saw a fly on my sandwich" such horrible trauma tbh.

"You're fucking done eating now. So go get your ass over to the park 5 blocks away. Go to the big tree nese the clean your dogs shit sign and start digging, your real gift will be there."

Childe got his ass to the park 5 blocks away. He went to the big tree nesr the clean your dogs shit sign and started digging with a stick because he didn't get a shovel.

After a while he found his main gift. It was a huge box. Like really huge. He took it out fully from the ground and decided to open it because why the fuck not do it already?

Inside was gifts from all of his pals, including the ones that weren't seen for many chapters. We're talking the og besties. Ganyu, Beidou, Dottore, Keqing, Kokomi, Gorou, Xingqiu, Kaeya, Scaramouche, Xiao, Zhongli, hell even his sister Bertha and many others.

Childe was so emotional he started crying and a pigeon took a shit on his head. He cried harder.

His favorite gift though, was the photoshopped image of Zhongli porn.

He loved Christmas.

Chapter 22: Childe's Wedding

Summary:

Childe gets married to Zhongli. It's amazing. The day is magical. His mom also died.

Notes:

The emotional stuff is at the very end ahavahavahabayaha

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Childe was in his huge poofy white wedding dress. It was huge poof and white just like the Snezhnayan snow. His shoes were polished about 24 times before he got to walk down the aisle with his dad that he never knew. He was a ginger too, he wasn't a brunette like his old dad.

Childe saw Zhongli in his own huge poofy white wedding dress. He drooled when he saw him. He was so madly in love with Zhongli.

"Childe-?"

"Hi! Can you believe I'm actually the lost Snezhnayan princess?"

"Not really.."

"Oh."

"Ahem," the priest coughed. "Prince Zhongli of Liyue, do you wish to accept Ajax-"

"What the fuck is an Ajax my name is Childe," Childe said.

"You were given the name Ajax before you were kidnapped."

"That's ugly as fuck. Call me Childe."

The priest sighed. "Prince Zhongli of Liyue, do you wish to accept Childe as your loving husband and swear by the oaths of God that you will stay with him forever?"

"I do."

"And Prince-"

"Princess," Childe corrected.

"Princess Childe of Snezhnaya..do you wish to accept Zhongli as your loving husband and swear by the oaths of God you will stay with him forever?"

"I do."

"You may now kiss each other." the priest closed his Bible and sniffled.

Zhongli and Childe kissed and now it was official. It was the happiest moment in Childe's life. He couldn't believe this was happening.

After years of waiting, he was finally a pretty princess who got to marry a prince.

Childe couldn't have asked for a better day.

Everyone he loved was there, clapping and crying. Signora, Scaramouche, Dottore, Xiao, Xiao's boyfriend Venti, Ganyu, Beidou, Kaeya, Albedo, Klee, Razor, Kokomi, Gorou, Xingqiu, Mona, Keqing, even Diluc and Eula and Bertha. All of his friends were there.

Childe ate 2 slices of cake and Zhongli also had 2. Scaramouche cut a circular piece of cake and nearly got kicked out of the wedding for the disturbance.

When Zhongli threw the bouquet of flowers, Ganyu caught them. She made heavy eye contact with all the girls in the room.

And then Childe threw his bouquet and Beidou caught it. And then she and Ganyu kissed. Keqing and Signora recorded and clapped and sent the video to Ningguang who sadly couldn't attend the wedding.

Childe and Zhongli danced together in the ballroom and so did everyone else. Childe broke his heels from stepping on Zhongli and slipped so much.

At the end of the night Childe was about to go make out with Zhongli outside on the castle balcony like in those movies but Xiao asked Childe for some alone time with him, and how could he tell Xiao no?

"Hey Childe..I'm really glad you're going to be my half brother now. I'm really glad Zhongli met you and that you're the princess and not anyone else. I really appreciate you and everything you've done for me, Childe. Thank you for telling me about all of your stories from when you were my age...you made me feel so much better about myself..I love you as a brother."

And then they both cried and hugged.

Childe and Zhongli eventually kissed on the balcony beneath the stars and fireworks blasted in the sky creating a million colors. They watched shapes and words formed. One firework said "Congrats!" another one had the f slur.

The last one said, "The end. Thank you for reading…"

The end. Thank you for reading…

Notes:

Hiii, thank you guys very much for reading. I spent nearly a year on this project and I wrote this when I was in an unstable state and was unable to do anything except write. I've procrastinated so much but now it's finally done, Childe got married. If anyone still wants to talk lend me your discord or Instagram, Twitter even but I don't use twt much. This was really fun and I might write side stories that go along with this au in the future. Thank you to everyone who stayed since day 1, it was amazing and I loved your comments. I'm glad I got to make people laugh.

Thank you

Notes:

End me
Again no regrets writing this
Anyways howdy hope you enjoy reading Childe's siffering