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That was always the burning question
Why was he depressed?
After a year of Oz’s arrest , Miki thought it was a good idea for Makoto to try out therapy.
After 4 sessions Makoto was diagnosed
Seems logical. Who wouldn’t be depressed after finding out your father was a piece of shit, your mother being admitted to the hospital, and all of Japan looking at you like a criminal?
It wasn’t that his therapist was mean or anything. She was very understanding. But after half a year of sessions, he stopped going. It was pointless. Just going in for an hour to talk about feelings? He could be doing better things, like looking for a job. Plus therapy is expensive. That money needs to go towards his mother’s bills. Plus, he has coping methods, he should be fine right?
Jump toward a couple years, Makoto wanders around the beach house.
Depression doesn’t just “go away”
He thought maybe ignoring it would make it go away.
There are days where he is on the highest highs, smiling, there’s nothing but joy in the world.
But the next, he wants to curl up in bed and shut everything out, nothing is appealing. The things he enjoys are bland, or have no energy to do any of them.
There are days that are good, but the smallest inconvenience makes it all come crashing down in an instant.
Finding out about Abby’s past, he kicks himself.
Here is his feeling sad about his past when she has it the worst. Boo hoo, so he went to prison twice, Abby was a child soldier. Her trauma is much worse.
He looks at Abby, cause despite it all, she seems to handle it well, so it’s pathetic he wakes up feeling sad for no reason sometimes
He’s desperate, he wants someone to hold, but wants everyone to stay away.
Team confidence
The smallest touch makes him feel wanted
A hand on the shoulder, a hug, a mutual cuddle up on the couch.
Those days when he’s feeling down, he wants to push them all away, but the human touch brings him the sense of wanting a small flare of joy.
He becomes the team’s therapist.
He’s so easy to talk too
The others can come and just rant, he sits and listens, nodding and even giving good advice. Makoto reminds them there’s nothing wrong with taking alone time. There’s nothing wrong in being selfish. There’s nothing wrong about reaching out for help.
So why can’t he take his own advice?
Makoto stares at the broken glass in front of him.
He dropped a plate on accident
“Edamame? What was that?” Cynthia walked into the kitchen
Makoto stares at the plate, taking too long to answer.
“Edamame?” Cynthia placed a hand on his shoulder
“I dropped it..” Makoto stared down at the plate
“It’s ok! Just a plate” she chuckled “don’t worry I can buy millions”
“I….dropped it…” He repeated
Abby and Laurent entered the kitchen to see what was going on
“Edamame it’s not a big deal” Cynthia rubbed his back “it’s just a plate”
“Hey virgin” Abby piped in “you good? You look like you barely slept”
“I’m...fine..” Makoto got on his knees slowly picking up the glass.
Laurent grabbed a dustpan and brush, joining him on the floor
“Soybean don’t use your hands, you’ll cut yourself” Laurent gave him a smile and swept the glass up.
“Sorry..” Makoto got up, refusing to make eye contact.
The broke plate is just like spilt milk
Cynthia said it was ok
So why?
Why does he want to burst into tears?
Why does he feel like they’re all annoyed?
Why does he feel like they hate him?
“Makoto.” Laurent asked with concern in his voice “are you ok?”
Are you ok?
Why did such a small phrase send him over the edge?
“No I’m not ok..” the tears started falling “no ok?! I’m sorry! I don’t know what you want me to say! I’m sorry!”
“I’m trying ok?! I’m trying! You think I like feeling this way?! I’m so sorry I’m so broken! I’m so sorry I wake up feeling sad for no reason! I’m so sorry I’m depressed and don’t even have a good reason! So what?! Yeah did I go through some shit?! Yes! But that’s mild compared to what Abby went through! Hell! There’s a million people out there with a better reason to be sad then me! So why am I wasting my tears over being sad for NO FUCKING REASON!!!” He couldn’t stop, the tears would not stop falling “I’m sorry ok?! I’m sorry I’m just a broken piece of a human! I’m sorry! I’m trying to be happy ok?! I’m really trying!! But I can’t...I fucking can’t….why can’t I just...stop being so sad all the time..? What’s wrong with me..?!”
Makoto didn’t even realize he was on his knees again, sobbing. He felt his body trembling. It felt like he could hardly breathe. The tears wouldn’t stop.
He could feel a horrible feeling rising, the fact he just had a breakdown in front of them. This was the last thing he wanted.
He felt two arms wrap around him tightly. It was warm.
“Shhhh..” the person rocked him back and forth in their arms, running their fingers through his hair.
“It’s ok.”
It’s crazy how two words can lift such a heavy feeling off your chest. It’s crazy how being in someone’s hold, feeling the warmth, can bring you to a small sense of calm.
He felt his body being scooped up from the ground, being carried to a bedroom.
He felt his body being laid into a bed. It was big, not his bed for sure.
Soon he felt more warmth.
Two people laid on either side of him, and another person laid on his chest.
He felt arms around him tightly. Though the tears would not stop, he felt like he was safe.
“I’m sorry….I’m so sorry…” he mumbled
“Shhhh..” someone stroked his hair “don’t speak..just rest”
Falling into a slumber, Makoto felt his body sink into the sheets under all the warmth.
Though this did not instantly take his depression away. It was nice knowing he did have a support system close