Actions

Work Header

i always thought we'd have another life

Summary:

“Please, Princess,” the nickname came from Catra’s lips naturally, like she’d been saying it all her life. All it did was make Adora feel cold. “I know you wouldn’t waste your precious time on little old me any other way. You’re an important person, after all.”

“And what are you, if not that?”

“Me?” Catra chuckled. “I’m just a distraction.”

* * *

or; It's been twelve years since the lost Princess She-Ra was found. Twelve years since Adora moved across an ocean away from her best friend. Twelve years since her heart broke. She doesn't know how she imagined the reunion going, but it definitely wasn't supposed to be like this.

Notes:

hi !! this fic is completely self-indulgent so i hope u enjoy it all the same.

i promise there will be fluff in the future, the tag just insisted on being the other way around.

fic title is from hallucinations by pvris, and the chapter title is from holy by pvris.

tagged M for swearing, alcohol, and sex.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: just a ghost at most

Chapter Text

 

“Two thoughts, equally as terrifying:
What if I see you again?
What if I don't?”

Margaret Schnabel

 

 

AUGUST, TWENTY-NINETEEN,
LONDON

 

For someone dressed as she was, Adora sure felt a lot like the rain that drizzled down the tinted window.

She’d found herself watching the raindrops for the entire car journey, following the patterns the streams made across the glass as the street lights behind flickered in and out of them. The soft sound of the drops tapping against the exterior of the car was all she could focus on, letting her mind drift away with the simplicity of it. Truly, her evening would be far more enjoyable if she could be tucked away at home, reading a book as the summer storms picked up outside, and she could warm herself with a cup of tea in hand.

But of course, tonight was going to be very different from the ideal.

“We’re almost there, ma’am,” spoke up Juliet, sitting on the opposite side of the car. Adora turned herself to face her, eyebrows raised up. It took Adora a few moments to register the words, and specifically why Juliet was bringing them up. She’d been on enough car journeys with Adora by now that she knew she needed the prompting to be brought back to reality.

Adora appreciated it.

“Right,” Adora spoke, sitting herself up straighter despite the lack of any new eyes. It didn’t matter, they’d be onto her soon. “Umbrella?”

“Got it here, ma’am.”

“Good.” She nodded with a smile, but both she and Juliet knew it was lacking any depth. “The last thing we would want is this beautiful dress getting soaked.”

“Absolutely not, ma’am.”

“Juliet?”

She raised her own eyebrows in return, and Adora’s smile managed to soften into something familiar between them. “You don’t need to ma’am me in private.”

“Of course, m—” The shape of the word had almost made it out of her mouth, but Adora was amused by the way she bit it back. It was too bad Juliet was such a professional — Adora almost believed they could be friends.

But alas — the peace of the moment came to a close too soon as the car pulled up to the Grand Etheria.

Adora could already hear the screams, but they were made louder as Juliet exited the car. She counted the seconds in her head, her breaths coming out controlled — four, three, two

The door to her side was opened, Juliet standing on the other side with the said umbrella in her hand, presenting a space for Adora to step onto the red carpet as the overwhelming burden of being known engulfed her.

Adora was sure she’d never get used to the flashes of the camera — or rather, the dozens of flashes that went off in quick succession, plaguing the inside of her eyelids with blinding white. It was routine by now to plaster on a public smile, to hold her hands on her hips in a specific pose, to wave at the crowd that screamed and cried her name.

Her name.

She-Ra. She-Ra. She-Ra.

All of it was drilled into her psyche, into her very bones as she performed her piece. Giving the media ample time to snap their shots, to admire her deep blue dress accompanied by the tiara on her crown and the gold and white cape across her shoulders, to praise her with their false affections. It was a relief when she felt Juliet’s hand on the small of her back, encouraging her to move on.

And so she did, marching up the stone stairs into the Grand Etheria — her home for the evening, and what would surely be some kind of sanctuary.

She knew, however, that inside was just another brand of her personal hell.

It was instant as she was greeted at the door by staff that knew her name — she would never know theirs. Once she walked further inside, familiar faces she’d seen on television and in magazines would smile and try to shake her hand. Adora played the pleasantries, but her cheeks were already becoming pained with the smile they would not drop. She tried to not let it exhaust her, not so early on in the night, but an endless wave of strangers was enough to spike her anxiety.

Which is why, the moment she caught sight of Glimmer, Adora suddenly felt her world fall back into place.

“Adora!” Glimmer exclaimed once she’d spotted her best friend making her way into the ballroom. Adora felt a natural wave of comfort ease over her, and she made her way towards the Princess. The two immediately embraced, Adora squeezing her arms around her friend.

“Ugh, about time you showed up,” she continued as they separated. “I feel like I haven’t had a moment’s break. People everywhere, all they want to do is talk. Is this what you had to deal with at your Princess Prom?”

Adora actually found herself laughing at the question, but she felt the sympathy Glimmer was clearly looking for.

Adora could remember her Princess Prom well. Ten years ago, to the day. It had been a momentous occasion — mostly because it was the day she was revealed as She-Ra, the long lost Warrior Princess of the Eternian Court. Of course she’d been swamped that day, but Adora had always thought it had been due to her appearance at the Prom. Glimmer’s experience was surely different. Then again, she also had ten more years worth of connections to be entertaining tonight.

Secretly, Adora was glad it wasn’t her.

“I vaguely remember having to deal with it,” Adora told her, settling her friend’s worries. “In fact, I particularly remember this pink and purple haired girl who would not leave me alone all night. Actually, she hasn’t left me alone since.”

“Oh, please,” Glimmer said, lightly slapping her arm. “I saved you that night. You’d never survived if I hadn’t shown you the ropes.”

It was true, and Adora was forever grateful.

“Well, happy friendship anniversary!” Adora looped her arm with Glimmer’s, and she made them walk further into the ballroom. The Grand Etheria was a beautiful building, with a high roof decorated with purple and blue lights to match Bright Moon’s aesthetic. The two long walls were lined with pillars, hiding lower sections of the room where Adora was sure people were using for more private conversations. It was wonderful to see the rest of the floor was actually being used as a dance floor, even if Adora didn’t plan on finding herself on it that night. “What am I saving you from, exactly?”

“Anything. Everything.” Glimmer seemed flustered, and Adora was curious. Glimmer had been going on about Princess Prom for months. In fact, everyone had. Adora herself had had the date blocked out in her schedule for years, and the past week had been busy with fittings and prep meetings. It was the biggest date in the social calendar — everyone who was anyone was invited, but it was an exclusive list.

Even that afternoon, while Adora had spent her few free hours with Glimmer at Bright Moon Castle, she had not stopped going on about the Prom. Typical, Glimmer had commented as she and Adora had stared outside at the dark grey clouds hanging too low in the sky. Ten years I’ve been waiting for this, and we get the worst weather imaginable.

And here they finally were. Adora felt bad that Glimmer was so flustered.

“I lost Bow ages ago,” Glimmer continued. “Something about looking for— I don’t even remember who, some celebrity of some kind. Politicians from other Courts keep talking to me about things I do not care for, and I swear some of the people invited do not understand how to speak with royalty.”

It was a feeling she could understand, especially considering those who had insisted on a hand shake. It was weird to her how even celebrities managed to find themselves losing their cool around the Princesses — as if they were truly anything special — but it often made her feel like she wasn’t a real person.

Adora had not felt like a real person in a very long time.

“I thought tonight was just going to be about a bit of fun. You know, dress up all fancy, have some drinks, spend time with our friends. It’s just feeling like an extra long day at work.”

“I think it is technically work,” Adora pointed out. “Do you know how many meetings I’ve had this week about who I should be speaking to?”

“Really?” Glimmer raised her eyebrows. “Speak to who? And about what?”

Adora shrugged her shoulders. “Politicians. Government, not Courts. They prepped me with what I should say, what I’m not allowed to say. Everything just to make a good impression as I introduce myself.” Adora had hated the feeling she’d gotten from the meetings — like all the advisors who sat her down were just using her as a doll. It was all surface level, nothing deeper, and that only increased her anxiety as to what it was all for. “Seems to me like the Eternian Court is trying to make connections.”

“And they’re using…” Glimmer did not need to finish the sentence. They both knew what their roles were within the Courts. The Princesses did not rule anything, not anymore. Not with the governments and unions between the countries now. They were simply decoration, used as flashy symbols to distract the populaces across borders, to unite them. Adora could see the positives, but it did not stop her blood from running cold in her own veins.

“Well, if we’re going to be working all night long, I think we can take a quick detour.” Glimmer nodded her head in one direction. Adora followed her gaze, and spotted a group that was entirely friendly. Princess Mermista, in her signature blue, Princess Perfuma, in a beautiful long gown, and the youngest, Princess Frosta, attending her first Princess Prom as an adult. The three of them were speaking to a figure with their back to them — the back of the head so familiar Adora didn’t even need to guess who it was.

“Oh, and look. Bow’s managed to reappear. It’s almost like magic.”

Adora leaned into Glimmer’s ear. “You sure he wasn’t just searching for Perfuma earlier?”

Her friend’s cheeks bloomed into a hot pink. “Adora, I’m not sure what game you’re trying to play, but I’m not biting. Come on, let’s spend what little time we can with our friends.”

It was in fact little — much shorter than Adora would have liked. She’d managed to pull Bow into a hug, both of them squeezing in comfort, before she turned to greet the others. She’d only managed surface level conversation with the group before she felt a hand on her elbow, demanding her attention from the rest of the Princesses.

Galen, an older advisor from the Eternian Court, whispered into her ear — reminding her that she had to move on. Of course, this was not time for herself, and she shouldn’t have ever expected it to be.

She hoped, maybe, that she and the Princesses would have another time to catch up in the near future. If all of them could make it, even.

The night was dull as she moved through the ballroom with Galen introducing her to all the right people. It was just as practised as the rest of the night, repeating her greetings and remembering the phrases she’d been primed to speak. She was asking all the right questions, giving all the right answers — a mouthpiece of the Eternian Court rather than her own person. She met with the monarchies, with the politicians, with the world leaders. She met those with powers rooted in money, in signed contracts and influence. She met with representatives of Mystacor, of charitable organisations, of those who begged for the Eternian Court’s help. She met flashy smiles of the golden children of the media, of those who sought out fame and now wore it like a badge of honour.

It was easy to tune a lot of it out, to shut herself off as she played her role. She’d been doing it for the past ten years of her life after all.

Always Princess She-Ra — never Adora.

It was poetic that it was Galen who spared her, much like he had damned her in the first place. After their conversation with an American Ambassador, he had pulled her to a halt before she could carry on in search of the next conversation piece. Another whisper to the ear, letting her know he had some business to attend to, that she would be alone. How the peace felt like relief once she was left alone, and Adora knew this was her chance. Her chance for air, for space, to gather her thoughts again. Even if it only meant disappearing upstairs, to the designated bedrooms for the party that evening. Anything just to be alone for a few minutes. To break away from the crowd.

As soon as she was alone, she searched the crowd for Juliet — she would not be far, still having a job to do even in a place like this. Their eyes met, and that was all Juliet needed to understand the message.

I need to get out of here.

Immediately Adora was on the move, trying to find the easiest route out of the ballroom and towards the grand entrance doors. It was a miracle that she kept her eye contact to herself, not allowing herself to make the mistake of catching someone’s attention and be forced to fall into conversation with them. None of them interested her, not anymore — they were all faces lost in her mind as pieces of this leeching society.

She broke free of the main crowd, and Adora spotted Glimmer and Bow talking to each other near the doors. It felt like a prize, like the universe was finally giving back to her after all of the energy she’d spent throughout the night. How easy it would be to pull them upstairs with her, to have a quiet moment with her two best friends, if just to sit in silence with each other.

But before Adora could even play that fantasy out in her head, her dreams were shattered.

“Princess She-Ra.”

The voice sent a jolt to her heart in its formality and familiarity. Adora pulled herself to a stop, damning herself for not thinking to look out for those that would try to change her plans. In this case, it was the worst scenario.

She turned herself around, Juliet stepping to the side, and Adora’s eyes settled on Light Hope.

“Not leaving so soon, are you?” her Head Advisor asked her.

Adora found herself pasting on yet another fake smile. “Of course not. I just needed some air, I think I’ve been around this ballroom five times by now.”

“Only five?”

Adora was not amused at Light Hope’s attempt at a joke, if it even was one. Her smile faltered, cracking under the anxiety that was filling her stomach with a sickness.

“I’m surprised to see you,” Adora quickly changed the subject, not wishing to linger on Light Hope’s snide remark. “I didn’t realise you were planning on coming tonight.”

“Oh, I was not meant to, but I thought it best to show my face. You’ve been busy, I take it?”

Adora nodded. She quickly realised she wasn’t going to escape this meeting with her flimsy excuse. This was a conversation she was going to have to run through to the end, lest she deal with Light Hope’s wrath tomorrow morning.

“I spoke with that sorcerer you asked of me,” Adora offered, knowing that was something that would at least please Light Hope. There had been a whole meeting in the previous week that had surrounded him completely. “He was very interested in working with you.”

“Norwyn? Oh, wonderful.” Light Hope spoke. She did not seem any more interested in this information than she was about anything else, but Adora could see that gleam in her eye — the one that sparkled when something was coming together.

“I was confused, though,” Adora continued, against her best wishes. Light Hope seemed to think the same thing as she watched Adora carefully. “He kept mentioning the Runestones. I couldn’t quite work out why he would be interested in them.”

Light Hope’s eyes lingered on Adora’s face for a second too long, and it did nothing to ease the uncertainty that had been steadily growing in Adora all evening. She pursed her lips, turning herself away from Adora. “Walk with me.”

Just like that, Adora’s plans to sneak upstairs with Glimmer and Bow were ruined. She held in her complaints, going through the familiar pattern of burying her thoughts deep inside of her. This was not about her, after all. It was about She-Ra, and she still had a job to do.

Adora moved to walk side by side with Light Hope. They began to drift around the edges of the ballroom, behind the pillars that separated them from the dancing guests and larger crowds. Juliet trailed behind, keeping her distance so as not to overhear the conversation.

“Do you understand what the Runestones are to this world, She-Ra?” Light Hope asked. It was not the question Adora was expecting, and even as she looked to Light Hope to search her face for some kind of comforting answer, she was instead given the cold and stoney expression she had grown used to from her Head Advisor. Adora was positive she’d never seen anything else on her face in the decade she’d known her for.

“A source of magic,” Adora replied, stating the obvious. “They’re what grant the Princesses their powers.”

“And beyond that?” Light Hope prompted.

“And their Courts.” Adora held her breath as she watched Light Hope for longer. “Their people’s magic.”

“Precisely.” Light Hope pulled them to a stop, watching over the crowded ballroom. Adora did the same, but her eyes glazed over — barely taking the scene in as she focused on Light Hope’s words. “Magic is a powerful tool, Adora. In the wrong hands, it can be dangerous.”

It did little to ease her concerns. Adora’s mind rolled those words over in her head, contemplating the true meaning behind them. “I’m still not sure I understand what this has to do with the Sorcerers of Mystacor.”

“They understand magic better than anyone in this world. Who would be better to make sure it never becomes an issue?”

“An issue—”

Adora stopped herself before the question fully formed in her mouth. In the wrong hands, it can be dangerous. Was Light Hope trying to imply the people of the Magical Courts were dangerous with their abilities? It had never been the case before, Adora had no idea why it would change now.

“I’m sorry, are you trying to control who uses the magic?”

“If that’s how you want to put it,” Light Hope seemed unbothered by Adora’s confusion on the issue, or the sudden shock that spread across her face. “It’s all very early still, but no matter. Change will be coming soon.”

“How do you plan on doing that?” Adora quickly demanded, but Light Hope simply raised a hand, indicating that she was done talking about this for now.

“You should enjoy the rest of your evening, She-Ra,” she said as she turned to walk away.

“Light Hope—!” It was over too quickly, with Light Hope disappearing into the crowds of people, going back to her stalking of the ballroom. Adora could hear the blood pumping through her ears, thumping away as her mind swirled with the new information she’d just been given. Information she was sure wasn’t the full picture. She wanted to snake her way after Light Hope once again, to demand a further explanation, to be told exactly what she was playing a part in, but that would draw far too much attention in a place like this.

She barely registered the words of another coming up behind her, instead thinking to herself I have to find Glimmer. Adora turned to meet his gaze — Galen, once again showing his face — as he took it upon himself to introduce her to yet another guest.

Adora didn’t care, she didn’t want to care, she wanted to figure out what the hell her Court was up to.

But all of it stopped — disappeared in the split of a second — as her eyes landed on the woman now standing in front of her.

Suddenly nothing else mattered as Adora found herself face to face with her past.

“Princess She-Ra, may I introduce you to Catra.”

 

* * *

 

TWELVE YEARS PREVIOUSLY

 

Adora trudged her way up the stairs of the orphanage, dragging a laundry basket behind her. It bounced off each step as she went, and while a small part of her brain reminded her Ms Weaver would pull her up for it, the rest just didn’t care. She’d gone up and down the stairs four times now, working her calves hard and her arms harder as she’d escorted the laundry down to the basement room.

Finally, it was over, and Adora was ready to drop the basket completely.

She’d made it to the girls floor, shoving the laundry basket into the hallway cupboard before moving towards the shared bedroom. She didn't expect to find anyone inside. At this time, everyone was downstairs working on homework, and she was planning to do the same. For that, she needed the book she was reading for English that she'd left on her beside table. It was only supposed to be a quick stop as she stepped into the bedroom, but she froze in her tracks when she realised her previous thought was wrong.

“Catra,” she groaned. “Do you really have to lie there?”

The beds had all been made up earlier in the day, done to perfection before Ms Weaver inspected them. Adora had made sure Catra’s bed was as well done as her own to save her from any more punishments.

And yet here she was, lying on top of the covers — with her shoes on — looking so smug.

“What? I’m not doing anything,” she replied, her tone amused beyond belief at Adora’s annoyance. “We’re going to sleep in them tonight anyway, what’s the point of keeping them tidy?”

“The point is that we’re not meant to be in bed right now anyway,” Adora noted as she closed the door behind her. “Aren’t you meant to be practising for music class?”

“I got bored of doing the same chords over and over.” Catra rolled her eyes. “I know the music by heart now, I don’t need to practise.”

“I’m sure there’s something else you could be doing with your time rather than lie in bed and be lazy.” Adora crossed her arms, looking stern as she eyed Catra. Her friend simply shrugged in return.

An invitation, is what it was. Adora didn’t wait, suddenly moving into action to jump across the space between her and the bed, coming to land on top of Catra as her hands darted to her sides.

“Adora, what—!” Catra didn’t get anything out before Adora started tickling her. The laugh that followed filled the room as Catra’s body squirmed beneath her, trying to shove Adora away to gain some freedom.

But Adora simply doubled down, trying to use her weight to pin Catra where she was.

“What’s wrong, Catra?” she teased as one hand moved to tickle under her chin. “Don’t want to be in bed anymore, huh? Too bad.”

“St— stop!” Catra managed to snicker out, her voice barely audible as her laugh consumed her. It went silent as it deepened in her stomach, her face scrunching up in a hilarious pain. A hand grabbed at Adora’s wrist, forcing her to stop the attack on her chin. “I— can’t breathe!”

“Good. Choke.”

Thankfully for Catra, Adora was pleased with her revenge and she pulled herself back to sit at the bottom of the bed. It gave Catra the time to recover, curling into herself on the bed as her hands rested over her stomach. Her tail flicked closer to Adora.

She rested her chin on her knee, watching Catra with care, a soft smile on her lips.

Once Catra had managed to recover, she peeked back to Adora once again, cheeks still bright from the laughter. “I hope you know that when we have our own place, I am never leaving my bed. Ever.”

“Uh huh,” Adora drawled out as one eyebrow raised up. “Then who’s going to answer the door for the pizza?”

“Can’t I pay someone to do that?”

“I don’t think you’re going to make any money by lying in bed all day.”

Catra rolled her eyes. “I will when we’re already rich and famous. What do you think stupidly rich means, Adora? It’s to do stupid things with your money.”

“I’ll already be doing stupid things with my money seeing as I’m agreeing to live with you.”

Despite Adora’s words, Catra was holding back a grin. She sat herself up on the bed, moving to sit in front of Adora where she could mimic her — chin on knee, mismatched eyes gazing into her blue ones. Adora felt her tail flick against her once again, tempted to get closer.

“I don’t want to wait,” she whispered, like she was sharing a secret. “Not another year, it’s too long.”

“It’s just a year, Catra,” Adora reassured her. “And then we’ll have the rest of our lives.”

Her fingertips found Catra’s hand, where they brushed across the top of her skin. Gentle, whispering a promise through touch. Catra’s lips twitched, the corners betraying her with her softer side, but she smothered it down with her best attempts.

It was not enough, as her tail wrapped itself around Adora’s wrist, accepting her promise.

Their spell broke as the handle of the bedroom door twisted. The sound had Catra pulling herself back, flopping back down onto the bed with such force and speed that it almost looked painful. Adora sat herself up to attention, spinning around in time to see Ms Weaver present herself. Her sullen eyes darted between the two of them, questioning, but Adora knew she wouldn’t say the words they feared most.

She would not speak it into existence, even if she knew.

“Adora.” Even though it was just her name, it felt like a command. Adora pushed herself off of the bed, standing to attention. “I need you downstairs. You have visitors.”

“Visitors?” Adore repeated, frowning with the word. She twisted back around to Catra, sharing a look with her for a moment — why on earth would I have visitors?

“It would appear so.” Something told Adora that Ms Weaver was no happier about the fact, for whatever reason. The woman hated children, and she’d made their lives misery — like they needed any more of it as children without families — but the fact she even owned an orphanage was a mystery. Her displeasure in the situation only encouraged the nerves that flushed in Adora’s stomach. “Downstairs, now. I don’t want to keep them waiting.”

Adora nodded. She slipped past Ms Weaver into the hallway, but stopped as her voice came again.

“C’yra? I do believe you should be working on your music homework, no?”

“Yes, Ms Weaver.”

“That’s what I thought. Downstairs, quickly.”

Adora waited, not looking back, but she refused to move until Catra was at her side. They made their way downstairs, sharing one last look with each other at the bottom before Catra turned into one of the study rooms and Adora entered Ms Weaver’s office.

Adora swore she had never seen Catra look so shaken in her life.

 

* * *

 

“Princess She-Ra,” Catra greeted, a smile on her lips. “What an honour it is to meet you.”

Meet you. As if she were a stranger, nothing more than new flesh. Words had never pierced Adora’s heart so easily. They sliced her open, choking her on the blood, leaving her speechless.

She’d changed. Adora knew she had, she’d been no stranger to seeing pictures of her online and in papers, or on a television screen when she least expected it. Catra had grown, her body filling out the shape that had seemed so skinny and awkward in their teenage years. She knew how to show it off, wearing tight leather trousers and a silken shirt that was unbuttoned at the top — maybe one button too many. She wore her hair cut back short around her ears, a drastic change from the mane that had silhouetted her face nicely.

Adora knew all of this, and yet it still seemed so strange to see it in person in front of her. Even her face had changed, angles accentuated by minimal makeup that Catra had never worn in her younger years.

Her eyes however — the blue and yellow that faintly glowed — they had not changed.

They simply lacked any emotion at all.

“A pleasure,” Adora finally spoke, finding the words leaving her without any real guidance. She raised a hand between them, partially out of habit, but was shocked when Catra took it and shook. Her grip was firm, and Adora was surprised she did not feel claws in the back of her hand.

“My granddaughter is a big fan of Catra’s music,” Galen spoke up, completely missing the tension that gripped around Adora’s lungs like a vice, or the fact that neither of the women he stood with had blinked since meeting each other. Adora was sure her pain must have been readable on her expression, but Catra remained pleasant with that perfectly engineered smile.

It stung to witness, and Adora did not need to be told that what she was seeing in front of her was whoever Catra had created for the public — practised until her bones hurt, until her skin cracked with fake.

Catra was not showing herself to Adora.

So why was she here?

“Your granddaughter has good taste,” Adora said, her voice still lacking emotion as she struggled to even understand her own.

“I’m glad you think so,” Catra replied. While the person that stood in front of Adora lacked any familiarity, she could not deny the confidence that came from her. The performance that came from her, designed to hurt her in her most vulnerable places. Was this what she was expecting? Was this what she was wanting? “As soon as I realised who I was speaking to I just knew I had to meet the one and only She-Ra. A once in a lifetime opportunity, wouldn’t you say?”

“Well, I wouldn’t quite put it that way.” Adora’s heart drummed harder, her words only feeling more difficult to get out. She thought it would get easier, but instead the tension continued to build. It was like a balloon inside of her, inflating in her chest until it felt tight. Until she felt sick. The dread was ready to consume her the longer the interaction went on for.

“Please, Princess,” the nickname came from Catra’s lips naturally, like she’d been saying it all her life. All it did was make Adora feel cold. “I know you wouldn’t waste your precious time on little old me any other way. You’re an important person, after all.”

“And what are you, if not that?”

“Me?” Catra chuckled. “I’m just a distraction.”

Adora could not answer. She searched Catra’s face for any remnant of her long ago friend, but Catra remained stubborn — blank in her true feelings, empty of memories. The urge to grab her shoulders and shake her back into her being was strong.

She could not stand the ghost that faced her.

Galen laughed, still unaware of what was playing out before him. “I’m sure we can come up with something to make sure this is not a one time thing. Catra, may I interest you in another drink?”

“Oh, no,” Catra — finally — broke her eye contact with Adora to set her attention on Galen. “I must be leaving, actually. It has been a wonderful evening though. A night I’ll never forget.”

That last sentence was directed back to Adora, sharp on her tongue that once again aimed to maim. Adora felt every single word slice at her, permanently marking her with vicious intent.

Adora was sure she’d never forget it either — how Catra treated her like a stranger, or just how sick it made her feel to be one.

Her company left her, Catra turning on her heel and Galen quickly following to walk her from the room. Adora felt the sky collapse on her as she was suddenly left alone in peace. She sucked in a shaky breath, light-headed after the encounter. She did not notice how weak she really felt until the sturdy and reliable hand of Juliet appeared out of nowhere, pressed against her back to keep her up right.

“Ma’am?” she spoke into her ear. “Are you alright?”

Adora could not answer that question, unsure of how she was really feeling. It all mixed together in her head, lost behind the thoughts that felt clearer as they forced themselves to the forefront of her mind.

So she ignored the question, and instead turned to Juliet with a request.

“Do whatever it takes to find out what room Catra is staying in.”

 

* * *

 

“What do you mean England?”

Adora kept her back to Catra, pretending to focus on the packing of her bag. In truth, she could not find it in herself to turn around. The pain in Catra’s voice was enough to paint a picture in her mind — she did not want to have to see the real thing.

Her heart was numb — Adora wanted to keep it that way.

She hid a shaky hand by folding another t-shirt to slip into the bag. It barely functioned as a suitcase, but she had nothing else to her name. Just the few tattered outfits she’d gained living at Ms Weaver’s orphanage, and what little mementos she could claim as her own belongings.

When her voice finally came again, it was monotone.

“That’s what they said,” she told Catra as she picked her pairs of socks from her drawer. “I’m going to England.”

“But that’s a whole fucking ocean away, Adora.” The words tumbled out of Catra, her tongue almost twisting on them, but the desperation for her to be heard had Catra somehow keeping them together. Adora heard every drip of devastation, of betrayal, that laced her words. They echoed inside her head, printing themselves onto her mind. Adora was not about to let herself forget this.

Over the years, Adora had seen the worst of Catra, seen the worst done to Catra. She’d witnessed the mistakes she’d made, how she’d excused them with weak pride. She’d watched as she’d thrown herself into messes with little care, like she was out for self destruction. She’d stood by her side during fights in school, fights Catra had surely started. Fights she’d hissed and bit and scratched and made people feel her pain. Her pain of being abandoned, of growing up in this wretched house, of the marks left on her skin by the woman who was supposed to be protecting them. Adora had sat with her in the dark of the night, holding her close as she’d cried and pleaded for it to end, for her hurt to be taken away.

She’d heard her beg in her ear for them to find safety in each other, and Adora had granted it to her time and time again.

And yet, Catra’s voice had never sounded as broken as it did now, held together by nothing but her refusal to understand.

If Adora wanted to keep herself safe from it, Catra wouldn’t let her. Suddenly a hand was on her shoulder, forcing her to turn around and face what she had done. Adora was right. Catra's voice had hurt to hear but it did not compare to the abandonment she held in her eyes or the broken expression that changed her face.

She couldn’t believe she was at fault for it.

“So, that’s just it,” Catra continued, and her words shook more as whatever power she’d held before disintegrated. “Some old men come here out of nowhere, tell you you’re some long lost Princess, and you just fuck off to the other side of the world?”

“I don’t have a choice,” Adora’s voice came small.

“You always have a choice!” Catra finally broke with tears dripping down her face. “Aren’t I worth that?!”

“Catra…” Adora trembled. Her fingertips reached out, grazing over the back of Catra’s hand, but she yanked it away quickly. No more promises. The motion of it stung, but Adora couldn’t blame her — not as she broke every single promise she’d ever made.

Catra’s face twisted as she took a step back, putting distance between them. Hands wiped at her tears, making her skin blotchy. It was like a silent horror movie — Catra falling further and further away from her as her future fell apart, Adora’s heart breaking with every fear that became a reality.

Catra couldn’t stand it — couldn’t keep herself in place in that room anymore. She turned away, wordlessly, and marched out of the bedroom. The door slammed behind her, and Adora listened to retreating footsteps until her only company was the lonely silence.

In the end, there wasn’t enough to pack. Not enough to keep her there. Not enough to stretch out the time to allow Catra to find her again. Adora had solemnly descended down the stairs, dropping her bag by the office as the old men in question stood waiting for her.

The car was already waiting.

“Don’t I get to say goodbye to anyone?” Adora had turned to Ms Weaver, eyes begging for the opportunity.

“They are busy, Adora,” she droned, placing a wicked hand on her shoulder to push her along. “You have better things waiting for you.”

As the car pulled away, Adora stared out at the home, wishing she might see a pair of glowing eyes in the top window.

When she saw nothing, the numb finally broke, and Adora felt everything.

 

* * *

 

The evening had ended some time ago. Adora had retreated to her own room, never quite making her original escape, and never finding the moment to reconvene with Glimmer and the rest of the Princesses.

She’d been lost, her mind falling back to twelve years previously. Back to an unwelcoming home in the middle of Pennsylvania. It had been a day she’d forced herself into forgetting, to never relive in her head as to keep her heart from breaking once again. Now it was difficult to not think of everything that had gone wrong — everything she had done wrong — knowing that Catra was somewhere in the same building as her.

It felt like an opportunity — but twelve years was surely too late.

You always have a choice.

Even as she relieved herself from the dress she wore, pulling on a cashmere sweater and comfortable trousers to relax in before bed, Adora could not stop rolling the choices around in her head.

She could stay in her room for the rest of the night. Go to bed, where she'd lay awake all night with a restless head. She'd wait it out until the morning, when she would fall back into the routine of her life and pretend none of it had happened.

Or, she could leave and check if Juliet managed the one request she had asked of her.

Adora was sure the staff of her Court would tell her it was a bad idea. She was sure Bow would tell her to rethink, Glimmer would tell her not to be stupid. She was sure Catra would tell her not to be ridiculous, that she did not want to see her in return, that she was not welcome.

And yet, she could not ignore the fact that Catra had sought her out earlier in the evening.

It was stupid, it was reckless.

And Adora could not stop herself.

“Juliet,” Adora asked as she stepped out of her bedroom, walking into the main sitting room of the suite where her bodyguard sat to attention. Juliet stood as Adora stopped. “The room I asked you about, did you—?”

“I did.”

Adora pressed her lips together, her heart fluttering at the prospect of what she was doing. “Thank you.” She stood in place, fingers tapping against her own legs as that restless energy came to her. How was she supposed to go about this?

To her surprise, Juliet did not have to be asked. “I can escort you there, if you would like.”

She was almost embarrassed by how easy she was to read, but ultimately she was relieved, and nodded in reply.

They went down a floor. It seemed unlikely to her that any of the suites were different, that the floors meant nothing in somewhere so grand. Juliet took her down the corridor that opposed her own. They passed only a couple of others in the hallways at this time, but Adora kept her head down anyway, not wanting to be recognised.

When they came to a stop, Juliet knocked on a door.

A stranger appeared on the other side of the wood, looking just as professional as Juliet did.

“Good evening, sir,” Juliet took the lead but she kept her voice down, keeping their conversation between the two of them. “Princess She-Ra would like to meet with Catra, if that is alright.”

It came as a surprise to him. His eyes settled on Adora, and she saw the recognition flash through them. She could see the puzzlement on his face, followed by a quick word. “A moment, please.” The door closed on the two of them, leaving them alone.

Adora found herself holding her breath as she waited, the tension building in her body. If there were whispered voices behind the door, she could not hear them. Juliet seemed unbothered beside her, taking quick glances down the corridor as they waited. Adora was the opposite as the seconds ticked by. Suddenly she realised she hadn’t planned for the scenario where Catra turned her away, where Catra said no, where she did not give her the opportunity to speak. The door in front of her suddenly felt terrifying — a mouth ready to swallow her once the conclusion came.

When it opened once again, it felt like her end. The man on the other side nodded and stepped aside to allow Adora and Juliet to enter. She swallowed down a lump before taking that leap of faith as she advanced over the threshold.

Her previous thoughts were correct — the suite was just like her own, with a large sitting area being the first she sees. More personnel stood between the chairs — a rather large woman with intimidating muscles. Her face was softer though as she directed a hand towards what Adora knew to be the bedroom.

So Catra was still hiding.

Adora nodded to the woman, shared a last look with Juliet behind her, and then moved for the bedroom on her own. She knocked gently, announcing her arrival before she let herself in, closing and leaning on the door inside.

Catra stood with her back towards her. She was on the other side of the room beside an armchair that sat in front of the full length windows. The curtains were barely open, but Adora could see a strip of black from the outside, and she could still hear the light pattering of raindrops on the glass. Catra was still in her party clothes, though notably lacking her shoes now. The silk shirt still draped from her shoulders. Her arms seemed to be held up at her waist. Adora looked down, and she could see Catra pouring herself a glass of red wine.

“So,” she spoke up, still not looking to Adora. “I’m not even allowed the luxury of privacy in my own room now.”

She wasn’t confrontational, but Adora could hear the displeasure in Catra’s tone. Her heart jumped, suddenly wondering if this was a good idea at all. Had she read the previous interaction all wrong?

But Adora had made it this far — she could not allow herself to be shaken.

“What are you doing here?” Adora asked, stepping away from the door. She wanted to be further inside the room, but she knew to keep her distance from Catra still — they were not that friendly just yet.

Catra’s shoulders shook with a laugh, placing the wine bottle onto a table, and turned to face Adora. “I was invited, is that not obvious?”

“By who?”

Catra raised her eyebrows. “I’m the biggest selling music artist in the world, who else do you think they’re going to invite to these things?” She paused, waiting for Adora to say something, but when it did not happen she rolled her eyes. “And… Princess Scorpia may have invited me personally.”

“You know Princess Scorpia?”

“I know lots of people, Princess,” Catra pointedly replied, taking a drink from her wine glass while not breaking eye contact with Adora.

Each word that came from her sounded more jaded. The unfriendly nickname especially. Adora watched her face for the smallest of shifts, feeling the need to be careful. She didn’t want her curiosities to turn into an argument, but Adora knew Catra. She knew her nature, she knew what she was like with escalating interactions, and she could already feel it brewing between them.

Catra, apparently, was not as cautious. She dropped herself into the armchair, draping one arm over the side while the other held her wine glass still. “Why the hell are you here, Adora?”

Adora swallowed but set her shoulders straight, trying to find her own confidence. “You were the one that found me in the ballroom, Catra. You didn’t have to do it, don’t act like you don’t have something to say either.”

“Oh, do I now?” Catra cocked her head to the side, her tone turning more cruel. “And what might that be?”

Adora’s mouth struggled, opening with voiceless words as her brain scrambled to catch up with her. “That’s what I’m trying to find out.” When they came, they came harsher than she intended. She was mimicking Catra, following her lead in how this conversation was going. Her want to be cautious was quickly dissolving faster than Adora could even realise it. “What, was it morbid curiosity?”

Catra smirked. Adora hated it. “You know what, I like the sound of that. Morbid curiosity… Sure, we’ll go with that.”

Catra,” Adora pleaded, voice breaking ever so slightly. “Talk to me, please.”

“I don’t want to talk to you.” Her voice came sharp, loud, quick, and Adora realised with the power of it that Catra was throwing herself off the ledge, no longer holding back as her emotions got the better of her. “I resent you.”

The word chilled her. It felt like a punch to the gut. For a moment Adora was speechless, her heart hurting with it. She bit at the inside of her cheek, trying to keep herself steady, but she could already feel pressure behind her eyes with the threat of tears.

“Then why?” she asked, eventually. Adora was going to keep digging until Catra gave her a real answer. “Why seek me out?”

Catra scoffed, taking another drink from her wine glass before placing it back down on the table. The connection came too fast, the sound louder than seemed reasonable for the glass, but luckily it did not shatter.

“Because I was stupid.”

It was a surprise to hear from her and Adora felt taken aback by it. Catra instead seemed annoyed, as if speaking those words and finally coming out with a truth was her breaking her own barriers. She shook her head again, the muscles on her face twitching before she pushed herself up onto her feet.

She took a step closer. Another. Adora could see her hands flexing.

“I was so fucking stupid,” she started again, words filled with rage. “It was a fucking test, Adora. I wanted to know if it’d still hurt. I wanted to know if any of it mattered anymore, I wanted to know if I still cared. I thought it’d be easy, that I'd be able to just look at your idiot face and not feel anything, but I was so fucking stupid.”

Three times she said it. Three times Adora wanted to tell her to stop, to not be so hard on herself. She didn’t want to hear Catra talk about herself like that.

But Catra was tense. She couldn’t keep herself still even in the one spot she stood on, moving between her feet with her hands flexing at her side. Her face was twisting into something pained.

She’d been so confident in herself, so easy — and now all of it was breaking through. Adora felt like she was standing with her old friend, years younger. Smaller. Familiar. She felt like she was seeing the girl who had stood in that bedroom, fighting back tears, running when she failed. She was seeing Catra — her Catra. The one she left behind all those years ago.

The familiarity crossed her face as she whispered. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t,” Catra snapped quickly. “Don’t you dare start talking to me like that now.”

“Then how am I supposed to talk to you?” Adora asked, her voice rising once again. They might as well get it out now while they could — while they had each other in this room. Twelve years of unspoken words. There was so much she’d wanted to say, never believing she’d get the chance.

She couldn’t let it get away from her now.

“I don’t want you to talk to me!” Catra snapped angrily. “Why is that so difficult for you to understand?!”

“Because maybe this isn’t just about what you want!” The words tumbled out of her mouth, messy as her nerves got the better of her. Adora could feel Catra’s fire burning through her now. The frustration of wanting to be heard when she wasn’t being given the chance. It was the same frustration she’d felt for all those years, finally exploding on the one person who deserved it the least.

She couldn’t be angry at Catra, but god did she rile her up.

“Then what is it you want, Adora?” Catra’s face deepened in colour, her eyes flashing with a warning. Or maybe not a warning — a dare. Do it. Push me. You’ll regret it.

Adora gripped her own fists tight at her side.

“Spit it out,” Catra continued to taunt, taking casual steps forward again, closer and closer. Inviting herself into Adora’s space, invading it, as she continued to push, push, push. “You’re getting your chance, don’t fucking waste it.”

Don’t waste it. And yet, when they were standing this close together, the opportunity right before her, Adora had no idea where to start. With her apology again? With a wish of how she could have done things differently? Was she supposed to ask Catra about her life, about how she was? All of it filtered into her head, all of it desperate to say.

Catra wasn’t going to allow her all that. She knew that, at least.

“Do you think I wanted any of this?” was what finally came out of her mouth, voice cracking. It barely scratched the surface of what was boiling inside of her, but it seemed the easiest for now.

Even if it wasn’t a real answer to Catra’s question.

“Seems like a dream come true, don’t you think?” Catra growled, her tone more snide and unforgiving as she went. “Escaping a shitty upbringing to become a princess? It’s like a fucking Disney movie.”

“I didn’t want to leave you.” Adora was begging in everything but words. Begging for Catra to give her the chance she so desperately wanted. Her heart raced faster, knowing this was all she had — the only chance Catra would ever give her. She couldn’t, she couldn’t turn her back on her again, not until everything was said.

“But you did! And you didn’t even say goodbye!” Hurt broke through the anger of Catra, sharp to strike her deep. Right into her heart, tearing it at the seams. “It doesn’t matter what you say now, Adora, because nothing — nothing is going to change the fact that I’ve hated you every day of my life since you left.”

Then don’t say it. The words filtered into Adora’s mind. She was unsure of their origin but she believed in them. If Catra wouldn’t let her say it, if she wouldn’t listen, then Adora would happily show her a different way.

Her heart was falling to pieces. Heat engulfed her as her blood pumped through her veins, loud in her ears, and she was so very desperate.

Adora’s hands reached out, grabbing the opened collar of Catra’s silk shirt, and pulled her in. Their lips crashed together, uneven and awkward until they found their fit like missing puzzle pieces. Her eyes were squeezed shut as she applied a feverish pressure, unable to shake her agony. She wanted to drink every bit of it in, tasting Catra’s lips, her mouth, the faint red wine that lingered from her drink.

Hands grabbed onto her wrists. Her heart jumped at the contact, but nothing came of it immediately. Just another pressure, another warmth, until all of it was ripped away. Catra yanked herself backwards, breaking the connection of their lips — but that was it. Her hands stayed where they were, fingers wrapped around her wrists, and her body stayed dangerously close.

As Adora opened her eyes again, they stayed firmly on Catra’s. She was pissed — furious that Adora would blindside her like that, that she would use anything other than her words.

Please, Adora wanted to beg. She let her eyes cry it out. Please, please, please.

Catra’s still said the same. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

And yet, after gripping Adora’s wrists tighter, Catra pulled her back in to return that kiss.

It was less harsh this time, less rushed, and Adora found herself enjoying it so much more. The way they fitted together almost perfectly. Catra didn’t bother waiting, her tongue pressing forward to part lips. Adora welcomed her gladly, following the lead she so greedily took.

And then one wrist was free, Catra’s hand reached behind her head to run her fingers through her hair. She pulled her in somehow closer, increasing that pressure once again. Adora’s one free hand immediately took advantage of that, releasing her collar to follow the silk down to her breast. The shape of it felt perfect through the fabric, and a thumb brushed enticingly over her nipple.

That gained a growl in return. It rumbled against her lips, coming deep from Catra’s throat. A nip to her bottom lip quickly followed, and Adora only just managed a whine against her lips before suddenly they were apart again.

Catra was wordless, but her eyes were hungry. Adora fell deep into them, almost getting lost if it wasn’t for Catra’s hands. They slipped down to her waist, quickly finding the hem of her sweater and starting to lift up. It tickled where her thumbs touched the small space of bare skin between her trousers and her undershirt — a promise of what was to come.

But not yet. Catra wouldn’t let up. Her body moved against Adora’s, walking them both backwards, guiding her as her hands still pulled the sweater up. Eventually Adora took over, pulling it over her head and dropping it to the side. A hand on her back kept her from tripping in the moment she was blind, keeping her close to Catra as her mouth returned to her — but not to her lips. Catra’s, instead, found the skin on her neck, kissing her greedily until the back of Adora’s legs met something.

The two of them sank down to the bed, Catra quickly finding her place on top as she straddled Adora. And still her mouth worked against her, tongue pressing against skin before she felt the sharp nip of her fangs. Adora gasped, finding it in her to pull one leg up to press between Catra’s legs.

It was intoxicating.

Catra’s lips were replaced by her fingers as she wrapped a hand around her neck. It was gentle, no pressure beneath her fingertips, as Catra moved back to kissing Adora’s lips again. She was hungry in her action but savouring it. It was deep, slow, taking her time to enjoy every taste of her.

Catra groaned against her lips, and it was the most delicious sound Adora had ever heard.

The grip on her neck tightened — not too hard to hurt, but enough to be surprising. Their lips ripped apart as Catra pulled herself up, hovering above Adora. They stared at each other, breathless, and for a moment Adora was terrified that was it.

“This is not because I like you,” Catra told her.

And despite the fact every action proved otherwise, Adora knew how to answer. “‘Course.”

That was all she needed. Catra shuddered, and for a split second Adora believed she saw something other than anger flash across her face. It was gone just as quickly before she could tell what it was, and Catra closed the distance once again to find her lips. It was rough once again, with teeth dragging at her lip and claws digging into her side.

And that was fine. Adora could live with that, could live with Catra’s hatred finding its way onto her skin. She’d allow herself to feel it physical while her heart burned and ached. She’d allow for twelve years worth of anger to spill out between them.

She would allow all of it, if this was the only way she could have it.

As long as she could have it, this was bliss.

 

* * *

 

FOURTEEN YEARS PREVIOUSLY

 

There was a space at the top of the house that no one knew about.

Well, maybe they do, but they don’t know how to get there. Not like Adora did. The only entrance was through the trapdoor in the roof — the one located in the upstairs bedroom. Ms Weaver’s bedroom. There was no chance anyone would even try to enter just for the chance of sneaking into the loft space, and Adora was no different.

She did not, however, care about sneaking in through the window.

It was a difficult manoeuvre, especially when she held a bowl in her hand. She had to be careful with her footsteps going up the stairs, careful not to be heard climbing higher to the top floor. She had to be careful when sliding open the window, ducking through, and making sure her footing was perfect on the slanted roof so she wouldn’t fall. She had to be careful to clamber up further, up to the dirty window in the roof that looked like it hadn’t been touched in years. It was only when she got close that she could see the telltale signs of use.

But those could have been from last week, when they’d come up here together.

Adora wiggled her fingers under the small space they always left for themselves. It was awkward to push the window up with one hand at this angle, and in the growing darkness of the evening, she couldn’t help but feel a sense of worry. Despite how natural it came to her, she couldn’t help but think there was a higher chance of her falling now.

So once the stiff window had been pushed to a half-open state, Adora took her chances, and crawled her way inside.

“Catra?” she whispered, careful to not make noise as she stepped down from the windowsill, and careful to keep the bowl upright. “Catra, are you here?”

Her eyes scanned the darkness. It might have been a clue that she wasn’t, that she was hiding somewhere else, but Adora knew that didn’t work for the likes of Catra.

Especially when, after she heard some shuffling, Adora saw a pair of glowing eyes peering at her through the darkness.

A soft, warm smile came to her own lips as she tiptoed her way across the floor.

“I brought you pudding,” she said quietly, voice low, but it was filled with kindness. She settled down next to Catra, knowing that below her was their homemade den of old blankets and pillows.

“Is it mine?” Catra asked, doubt in her voice. It was difficult to see expressions in the dark, but Adora could make out the small shift of her eyebrows changing the shape of her eyes. Hopefully, her own would adjust to the darkness in a moment.

“Well, no,” Adora confessed sheepishly. “It’s mine but I wanted to share it with you.”

“You don’t have to share anything with me.” Catra was defensive, Adora could at least hear that.

“But I want to,” Adora replied, unfazed by Catra’s unwillingness to accept any kind of help. “I don’t want you going to bed hungry.”

Her fingers found the spoon in the bowl of chocolate pudding, metal clinking against ceramic as she took a spoonful for herself. Delicious. The sweet treat was just the perfect way to end the day, to warm her tummy with a goodness that would send her to bed happy.

But there’s a rumble from a nearby stomach, and Adora knows it would do better to go to Catra.

If even to just stop those rumbles so she wouldn’t have to hear them all night long.

“See, I had my share, now it’s your turn.” She reached out, finding Catra’s hands in the dark so she could safely shove the bowl into them.

Catra glanced down at the bowl in her hands. Already Adora could better see the shape of her face through the dark, better see her lips. How they part a little with the surprise. “You don’t have to.” The words are unsure, soft spoken, like Catra might be afraid of them.

Adora has no idea why that would be.

Her hand finds Catra’s knee, a reassuring touch. “I want to.” She’d already said those words, but Adora did not mind reaffirming them. She didn’t know what Catra had done to piss off Weaver tonight, but it wasn’t fair to refuse her dinner. It wasn’t fair to send her to bed hungry. If this was the only way Adora could help, then she was more than happy to.

When Catra’s eyes meet hers again, they were wide. Bright with something. Thankfulness, possibly, but Adora thought it was something more tender than that. More intimate.

Adora wished to question it, but she struggled to find her voice as she watched those eyes. Watched as they flicked down on her own face, lingering. Watched as Catra leaned forward until their lips met, and Catra’s eyes were open no more.

They stayed like that, still, for only mere seconds. Adora’s mind was too scrambled to count, but she didn’t think it mattered. All that mattered was how her heart jolted in her chest, how she recognised the softness of Catra’s lips, how a tingling warmth spread through her stomach.

How cold she felt when Catra pulled herself back.

When their eyes met again, Adora watched as Catra's pupils shrunk in fear.

“Sorry,” she uttered, slow for a moment before everything caught up with her at once, and suddenly Catra was functioning at double the speed. “Sorry— sorry, I didn’t mean that, I— I didn’t mean to—”

Catra.” Adora is firm in her tone, reaching out to grab at Catra’s shoulder, to calm her down, to centre her back in her being. It worked, as the words cut off and her wide eyes were back on Adora — terrified.

“Don’t.” A one word response, and it took Adora a moment to realise that it — of course — was not enough. She felt her cheeks warm and she wondered if Catra would be able to see the colour that flooded them even in the dark. “Don’t apologise.”

She would hate for Catra to think she’d done anything wrong.

And to prove it, Adora leaned back in. A little slower, but surer, as she pressed their lips together again.

In that moment, Adora thought — she does not need the pudding after all. What warmth spreads through her from Catra alone would be enough to send her to bed happy after all.

 

* * *

 

Her hands shook behind her back as she clasped her bra back on.

Silence. A horrible silence had fallen over the room some time ago, though she wasn’t sure when it started. When their breathing had returned to normal, she thought. Once the heat had died down and they’d been still between the sheets.

When her mind had got back to her soon after.

She had been swift to remove herself from the bed. Wordless as she gathered her discarded clothing from the floor. Underwear and trousers on first before she sat back down on the edge, slipping feet into shoes.

And now she was here, pulling her undershirt on over her head. Adora was aware of how her body ached. Red scratches left on her skin, covering her back, her sides, her thighs. Bite marks and bruises where those kisses had become aggressive, where Catra had let her hatred paint Adora like a canvas.

Reminders — still seeping into her tissue, and Adora could not stop thinking about them.

At least as she pulled her sweater over her head, she was covering the last of them — almost. There wasn’t much she could do about those left on her neck other than let her hair drape across her shoulders and hope that shadows would disguise them enough.

Adora stilled for a moment, hands placed on the bed at either side of her as she steadied her breathing.

She was aware of how her body ached — how it ached down to her core.

She turned herself around, looking to where Catra still laid. She was under the duvet still, though one bare knee had been pulled up, the sheet falling from it completely. Catra rested with her head against the headboard, her eyes on her fingers that fiddled and picked at the opposing hand.

Adora wished she would look at her, but Catra made no attempt to.

There were a million things she wanted to say at that moment. She wanted to apologise again, for whatever it was worth. She wanted to confess her feelings through something other than the actions they’d just expressed. She wanted to tell her how her heart ached for her, how they could make everything okay after this, how none of this was wrong.

But reality, sadly, was catching up with her, and Adora could not find it in herself to say any of those.

“You can’t tell anyone about this,” was what she eventually said with a quavering voice.

Catra did not look at her.

“You got it.”

Her voice came easy. Practised. Adora instantly recognised it as something she’d heard earlier in the evening. She was closing herself off again, doing so with a stoney expression on her face that gave Adora no clue as to what was going through her mind.

That somehow hurt more than anything else Catra could have said. There was a burn behind her eyes again, down her throat, threatening to have her emotions unleash right there. Adora could not allow that. Her teeth clenched together, hands gripping tighter to the mattress as she tried to control her own emotions, but Adora knew she was failing herself.

The way her heart hurt was proof enough of that.

This was a mistake.

All of it. Coming here, trying to speak to her, kissing her — how stupid could she be?

There was nothing left to do. She nodded solemnly and turned herself back around, facing the wall of the bedroom. Adora allowed herself one, two, three seconds before she lifted her chin with something of dignity and moved off of the bed. A part of her still hoped that as she walked across the room to the door, Catra would say something.

Adora.

Wait.

Come back.

Anything.

As she closed the door behind her, she got nothing.

It was easy, refusing eye contact with the personnel that still sat on this side of the door. Somewhere she wished she could be embarrassed, but whatever shame she might have felt was drowned by something much worse. She wasn’t even sure if she asked for Juliet, or if she had simply left the suite without a word.

All that she could fathom was the crushing weight in her chest as she felt the break of her heart all over again.