Mayoi must be getting punished for something. He must be. As Tatsumi’s hands thread through his hair, chest pressed to back, he thinks that maybe he’ll be struck down just where he is now for tricking one of God’s angels into touching filth directly like this.
He had been dealing with his hair after washing it, setting out to comb it and braid it messily as he usually did. Long and unruly, it had been refusing to coordinate with him, giving him a bit of trouble and when Tatsumi had walked into the room, ever the good samaritan, he had offered help.
Help that Mayoi’s heart was pounding over.
“Your hair is so wonderful, Mayoi-san…” Is that his breath on his neck? “How long have you been growing it out?”
“N-Not from any particular day… I-I just never bothered to cut it.” The comb made gentle strokes throughout it and he tried to focus on his breathing and not who was right behind him.
“Beautiful… Fufufu, it’s a blessing just to be allowed to take care of it~♪”
Mayoi shifted on the stool. “I-I don’t understand why you say things like that Tatsumi-san… I’m so disgusting, I-I’m sorry you have to touch me like this-”
“I asked, didn’t I, Mayoi-san? It’s perfectly fine…” His voice seems to lower, enough to make Mayoi shiver. “I wanted to touch you like this.”
Wanted to .
Want, want, want, that want was eating Mayoi up inside. He had never felt it so keenly, had never known it would be so overpowering. It was its own beast, undefined and what exactly it was that he wanted was unclear to him, he just knew-
He wanted Tatsumi.
There was no way he could say something like that to him.
“I can begin to braid it now, if you would like?”
Mayoi didn’t trust himself to speak, just a slight nod of affirmation. And he felt Tatsumi part his hair and weave it with fluid movements and was it that his touch was purposely lingering or was Mayoi the lowest of all beings who had wicked thoughts about his friend?
“It may not turn out as usual so feel free to redo it but I’ll try my best, Mayoi-san.” He murmured. Right in his ear.
“I-I’ll wear it with pride!”
There was no way Mayoi would undo that braid. It was an imprint of where Tatsumi’s hands had been, hands that shouldn’t even be on him, how could he get rid of that?
He could feel him. Hands steadily braiding. His body pressed to his, probably closer than the two of them needed to be. Even breaths as if this wasn’t anything heart wrenching to Tatsumi - because it wasn’t, it was just extending a hand to a pitiful creature because Tatsumi was just like that. Flush body against another, every caring stroke, this didn’t mean anything to him.
The want …
Don’t be so gentle… Don’t be so kind… You would never be so kind if you knew… You wouldn’t touch me like this if you knew…
“Mayoi-san…” His voice was a whisper and Mayoi couldn’t help but whimper. “You’re shaking a bit… Would you like me to move back?”
“No! No, you can touch me, you can-”
You could have all of me if you wanted.
He cuts himself off but he’s already said so much and he’s stunned Tatsumi into silence and stupid, stupid, that type of quick response was too suspicious, those words from someone like him are only enough to make a person sick-
“Then, Mayoi-san…” He can feel him, hovering at the back of his neck, right at the parting. “May I hug you?”
Did he hear that right?
“It’s perfectly fine to refuse if you’re uncomfortable. I just really want to hug you.”
“Y-You shouldn’t want to! You shouldn’t even be touching me at all-”
“Do you want me to?”
There is no way he can lie to him. He’s in the confession booth, hiding his face from the priest as he spat out his sins and he’d be damned if he lied here. “Y-Yes but-”
“Then it’s fine.” Those hands didn’t stop stroking him, soothing him.
“B-But I’m dirty! I’ll make you dirty, I’ll contaminate you-”
“There’s nothing dirty about holding the one you love.”
Stunned into silence. Mayoi gaped, desperately trying to replay the last five seconds. It couldn’t be that Tatsumi… It couldn’t be that he… No…
“You…” He shivered just from forming the words “... love me?”
“I do. I love you, Mayoi-san.”
Oh god… Oh god… What to say, what to say? What did Mayoi know of love, other than the keening desire and bitter glances of what he couldn’t have? There was no reciprocation, nothing more than a lingering ache. There was… Tatsumi wasn’t supposed to be doing this, he wasn’t supposed to love him-
“... I’m sorry to have stunned you, Mayoi-san. I understand if you don’t have the same feelings and I won’t bother you about it.” Tatsumi slipped his hands away from him and Mayoi had lost a limb right there. “I’ll leave you be-”
He heard him turn to leave and he couldn’t let him go like, he couldn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t-
“Wait!” Grasped his arm, finally turned to face him and wow, Tatsumi, Tatsumi , even looking crestfallen, just seeing him made his heart flip and he had to say it, it was selfish and disgusting and vile but he had to- “I love you too!”
It was not often that Tatsumi was speechless. He was always able to answer with something but it seemed this time, Mayoi really had knocked any answer out of him. What more was there to continue and dig his grave deeper.
“A-And I don’t really get it or understand it but I-I love you too and I want to touch you so badly and I-I’m sorry but I wanted you to hold me again, I’m so sorry-”
Then. Tatsumi was close.
He had him bundled in his arms. When had he moved across the floor to Mayoi? Every expanse of skin, Mayoi let his hands run over it, touching that little bit of heaven he could never see. He was so close, so close, so close... Mayoi breathed him in greedily. Jasmines, the faintest scent of them, no doubt from Tatsumi’s gardening and something else and maybe that was just Tatsumi, the very essence of him and oh was this weird, was he supposed to be smelling him, was he too awkward in his hug back-
“To know that you return my feelings… I’m so happy~♪” Gently, gently, he patted his head. “It’s okay to not understand it. We can take it slow until you do. Would that be okay?”
“Mm, yeah but-” He nestled into Tatsumi deeper as if he could make a home in his very being. “Could you still… Hold me like this? Ah, I’m wicked for even thinking it-”
“Then I’m wicked too.” Tatsumi pulled back, leaving Mayoi with a peculiar sort of emptiness which was quickly filled again by his hand caressing his face. The tenderness in Tatsumi’s face made Mayoi’s own heat up - how could he bear to look at someone like him like that? “I want to touch you like this Mayoi-san. I love to touch you like this.” He leans down and lands a kiss on Mayoi’s forehead. “Fufufu… Please excuse me if I’m too indulgent from now on~♪”
Mayoi knows nothing about being touched in such a way. He knows nothing of love but- he knows Tatsumi. And that may be enough.