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Dateless in Burbank

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Dateless in Burbank

The front door to Dr. Otto von Scratchansniff's home jiggled as it was unlocked, and the doctor's muffled voice could be heard yelling orders, summing up with, "Get in, get in, get in!"

The door flew open and the psychiatrist stepped into the house with the Warner siblings in tow. He had Dot slung under one arm like a sack of potatoes, and Wakko and Yakko slung under the other arm as he told them, "I have had enough of zis, I cannot take you anyvhere! I can't go anyvhere vithout you tree coming along and ruining it!"

"What did we do?" Dot asked innocently.

"You know very vell vhat you did, you ruined my date!" Otto told them.

"Scratchy, you're giving us too much credit, that date was ruined before we even showed up," Yakko insisted.

"Be quiet! I am the one doing the talking now, I am ze adult here."

"Well I guess somebody has to be," Yakko said.

The doctor set the three Warners feet-down on the coffee table and looked them in the faces as he told them, "You three are horrible little children!"

In sync, the Warners' eyes got big and watery and their bottom lips started trembling before they collectively started crying and did an adequate job of watering the floor.

"And cut that out!" Scratchansniff ordered them.

"Okay," the three Warners cheerfully replied as they turned it off like a switch.

Confused, the doctor held his hands out inquiringly as he addressed the three toons and said, "You alvays do this, every time I have a date the tree of you tag along uninvited and ruin it."

"What do you mean ruin it?" Wakko asked cluelessly.

"I mean popping up at de vorst possible times, pretending to be my children, always going 'Daddy-daddy-daddy!' so everybody starts staring, you ruin my toupee-"

"Well it did look like a cat died on your head!" Yakko offered.

Scratchy continued, "You behave like vild animals with no manners vhatsoever, and you vind up driving off my date!"

"Oh we didn't do that," Wakko said, "we didn't have your car keys."

"Dat is not vhat I mean!" Otto replied.

He'd been looking forward to this date all week. He'd met a lovely young woman in the supermarket, they'd knocked their carts into each other and got stuck, and once they got them un-stuck they struck up a conversation and decided to go out on Friday night. He'd been so excited, he'd canceled his appointments early so he had plenty of time to prepare. He'd showered, shaved, put on cologne, wore his best suit, put on a hair piece, he wanted to make a good impression. He'd picked her up at her house and they'd gone out to dinner...and around the time they placed their order, the Warners had appeared out of nowhere, and made themselves at home at their table, also ordering, and in the process driving the waiter, the other customers and eventually everybody in the restaurant crazy, and his date had half stormed out, half run for her life to get away from Yakko and Wakko.

"You alvays do this, you alvays show up during my dates and ruin them, alvays on your vorst behavior imaginable," he said helplessly.

"Worst?" Dot repeated in offense, and puffed up her chest, "We give some of our best material on your dates!"

"Yeah, if you want to see us at our worst you should see when Plotz loaned us out in the 60s and 70s," Yakko added.

"But I don't understand, vhy do you do this? Vhy?" Otto demanded to know, "Vhat did I ever do to you dat was so horrible?"

"Nothing," the Warners responded.

"Then vhy do you do these tings?" Scratchansniff asked them, feeling about ready to bust through the roof.

"Because we love you!" the three of them answered in perfect syncronization.

The doctor stood there motionless for a minute and stared at them through the thick lenses of his glasses, and cluelessy repeated, "You love me?"

"Uhhh-huuuh," they nodded in unison.

"I don't understand," the psychiatrist said as he sat down on the couch, and quickly found himself surrounded by the Warners though he didn't really notice. He was still puzzling over what they'd just told him.

"But then, vhy do you do this? Vhy do you do these tings?" he asked them, notably calmer now, "Vhy do you come along on all of my dates and send them running off screaming?"

"Because we don't want you to leave us," Dot told him.

"You vhat?"

"Look, Scratchy," Yakko said, "if you meet some babe and get married, then what? What if you leave the studio? What if you leave Burbank? Where does that leave us?"

"Without a p-sychiatrist," Wakko said forlonely.

"Without anyone to take us places," Dot added.

"Without anyone to talk to," Yakko said.

"Without anyone to listen to us," Wakko added.

"Without a friend," Dot concluded somberly.

"You're the only one around here who actually likes us," Yakko pointed out, "the others tolerate us because it's in our contract. You don't just put up with us, you do things for us, you let us join you on your dates."

"You took us to the circus," Dot added.

"On vacation," Wakko added.

"And we don't want you to get married and leave us!" Dot sobbed histrionically.

"Overdoing it," Yakko murmured in her ear.

"Okay," she perked up automatically.

This bombshell left Dr. Scratchansniff deep in thought for a moment as he took this all in and tried to figure out what it meant.

"But you must realize," he told the Warners, "just because I meet somebody, doesn't mean I'm going to leave you, my life is here, my career is here, I vouldn't give that up."

"Yeah, but what if you meet somebody and she doesn't like us?" Dot asked.

"And what if we can't stand her?" Wakko added.

"What if she gives you an ultimatum that it's her or us?" Yakko asked.

"And what if she doesn't want to hear me play 'Yankee Doodle' on my armpit?" Wakko added.

Dot less than subtly elbowed him in the side and told him, "Too far."

The psychiatrist was confused by this sudden series of questions, and asked the Warners, "Are you really vorried about that?"

"Uhhh," Yakko shrugged, "worried's kind of a strong word."

"We're terrified," Wakko nonchalantly answered, earning him two sharp elbows from both of his siblings.

"Sit down," Otto told them, "sit down all of you, ve need to talk."

The three toons sat down on the couch, Yakko on his left, Dot on his right, Wakko on top of his head.

Dr. Scratchansniff sighed and told them, "I vould never marry a voman who told me to stop treating you as my patients."

"What abou the other stuff?" Dot asked.

"And I vould never be vith a voman who told me I couldn't take you tree to de circus," he answered.

"We're glad to hear it, Scratchy," Yakko said, "but don't you get it?"

"Get vhat?" he asekd cluelessly.

"That's why we come along on all your dates," Dot answered, "to test them out and see if any of them like us."

"I mean sure, we could be real polite and act," he cringed, "civilized..."

"But we believe in letting them know what we're really like," Wakko added.

"And a true test would be if any woman would be willing to date you when you have us three lovely children," Dot said as she exaggeratedly batted her eyelashes.

"Now tings are starting to make more sense," Dr. Scratchy said.

"You've got cents? Can I have a quarter?" Wakko held out his hand. Yakko slapped his hand back.

"I can understand your concerns," Otto said as he pried Wakko off his head and dropped him on the couch arm by Yakko, "but vould it be too much to ask I get through one date before you meet her and send her off screaming?"

The three Warners gathered in a huddle standing on the couch cushions and whispered, every so often one of them glancing back at the doctor before ducking back into the huddle. They separated from one another, stood along side each other with their hands behind their backs and swayed on their feet one side to the other and said in a singsong tone, "Oohhhhh, maybe not."

"I guess that would only be long as we're otherwise occupied when you go on your date," Yakko said, "like if you sent us to the movies for the evening?"

"And paid for all the snacks," Dot added.

"I like a jumbo burp-o-cola," Wakko stood on his tiptoes to indicate the size.

"Alvight, alvight, I guess that's reasonable," Dr. Scratchansniff said.

"And if we'd just happen to be in the same movie theater as you and your date," Yakko started to say.

"Don't push it, Yakko," the psychiatrist warned him.

"Can't blame a guy for trying," the eldest Warner replied with a smug grin.