Chapter Text
With eyes closed and his head subconsciously leaning to the side to expose more of his neck, Anne couldn’t stop his lips from turning into the biggest smile he’s worn in a long time, possibly ever. It felt so good, being with Satsuki … but even more than that, it felt good that Satsuki was still attracted to him. Even after all this, Satsuki still wanted to hold him and kiss him and … and be close to him. There was no mistaking this - maybe Satsuki really was into guys after all.
“Satsu?” he called out to him, pressing a soft kiss against the side of his face.
“Mhm?” Satsuki answered, taking a short break from leaving marks on Anne’s skin.
“Do you like this?”
“Yea.”
“Really?”
“Really,” Satsuki insisted, lying down next to Anne and softly stroking the side of his face. “I’m just as shocked as you, but I guess, uhm … I like this. I’m into this. Looking at you like this makes my head spin a little.”
“Thanks ...” Anne sighed, not sure what else to say.
“Actually, you know what?” Satsuki carried on, his hand trailing from Anne’s cheek down across his chest and resting on his stomach. “I think you’re … ahm, you’re … I think you’re hot! There, I said it.”
“Hmm ...” Anne leaned on his side, reaching out to gently hold Satsuki’s chin, his thumb just barely touching his bottom lip. “I’m really glad I’m the one you’re discovering this side of you with.”
“Me too,” Satsuki replied almost instantly, closing his eyes and leaning into Anne’s touch. “I’m so into you, it’s fucking crazy. I never thought I could feel this way about anyone, much less … a guy.”
“And yet … here we are.”
“Yea. And I love it. I love you. Thank you … for taking me back.”
“Thank you for coming back in the first place.”
“I had to, baby … I had to. Everything I’m looking for is right here. Doesn’t matter how scared I am, as long as it’s with you, I … I can figure this out, I think.”
“You don’t have to rush it, you know? Finding what this means for you, your identity, us … we don’t have to rush any of that.”
“Good … cause I think there are a lot of things I’ll need some time for.”
“And that’s perfectly fine,” Anne answered with a smile, patting his chest.
Satsuki followed the invitation, laying down his head and reaching for the blanket, just to make sure Anne wasn’t cold or anything. “This is so nice ...”
“Yeah, it is.”
“Can I ask you more dumb stuff while we’re like this?”
“Sure,” Anne smiled, kissing the top of Satsuki’s head and wrapping his arms around him. “What’s on your mind?”
“How did you know you liked guys? Or like … how did you know you liked both? If that makes sense?”
“I get what you mean, yeah … but it’s kinda hard to answer, because it wasn’t really like that for me. I wasn’t thinking about it, to be honest. When I started high school, there was this guy … a 3rd year, so he was 2 years older than me, but all my classmates fawned over him. We were both in the art club, so we kinda started hanging out, and … sometimes, we stayed alone in the club room, just talking about random shit. There was this one time when we had a sword fight with some brushes, and we got paint all over our faces. I said he doesn’t even look like himself anymore, and he said something about how maybe he shouldn’t wash it off so that he can get home just once without some girl asking him out. He sounded sad and I wanted to cheer him up, so I told him he shouldn’t care about those stupid girls. He then asked me if I think girls are stupid, and I thought he was talking about my classmates specifically, so I said yes, and then … he kissed me. Like, full on pulled me into his arms and kissed me out of nowhere, and then … we just made out in the club room for a while. I’ve never been with anyone like that before, and I don’t know, maybe it’s because I was already well into the mindset that gender can be whatever you want it to be, but … the fact that he was a guy was the last thing on my mind. He took my comment about girls being stupid as me saying I was gay, and he was kinda surprised when I said I didn’t think I was, but still … we stayed together until he graduated.”
“And after?”
“Well, he was going abroad for university, and neither of us were ready for a long distance thing, so … we both agreed to call it off. It wasn’t too sad or anything, like … we didn’t even call each other boyfriends at the time. There was this mutual understanding, kind of, that we were just … with each other cause we happened to be in the right place at the right time, and we both liked it. I still talk to him every now and then, by the way! He’s working as a programmer in London, with some posh apartment and an even posher photographer boyfriend.”
“Damn, should have stayed with him.”
“And then not meet you? Nah, I don’t think so. And besides, I doubt we’d work out anyway. Neither of us really knew who we were yet.”
“Not all people are a highway, huh?”
“Right! I’m surprised you remember, that’s so thoughtful of you.”
“Of course I remember … was that about him?”
“Hmm, not really. Like, we certainly had something special, but I wouldn’t really say I loved him.”
“I see. And after he left?”
“Well, turns out that if the most popular guy in school spends most of his free time with you instead of any of the dozen girls throwing themselves at him, you’re bound to get some rumors started. I got my fair share of guys more or less carefully asking if it was true that I was into guys, and I didn’t really think twice before saying yes. Because I was into guys. It didn’t really occur to me that people took that to mean that I was only into guys, or that their gender was what qualified someone to date me in the first place. Either way, I dated two more guys in high school, was definitely in love with one of them, but he ended up falling for someone else, which was a big heartbreak for me … he was kind about it at least, so that was cool. Then I got to university where I wasn’t known as the token gay anymore, so some of the girls actually showed interest in me, and I dated one for a few months, and then I was the one breaking up with her because I fell for someone else, so my love life really came around full circle there.”
“Your last ex?”
“Yup. Fashion design student. Absolutely fabulous human being. I was head over heels, literally. Like, the first time I tried talking to her I was so nervous, I tripped and fell on my ass like an idiot.”
“Wow, really? That’s something I would do!”
“See? I’m not nearly as cool as you think I am! But she did find it endearing, so I guess it worked out well for me.”
“And you broke up because of CANDY?”
“Yeah, among other things. Like, there were some other problems too, but the main incompatibility was that she really wanted someone to hold and protect like a newborn kitten, and she felt like all the people at my job got in the way of that. Which to be fair, isn’t totally off base. I mean, I basically get paid to have people spoil me with champagne, so … I could see where she was coming from. It still sucked when we ended things, but we did our best to be cool about it. I haven’t talked to her since, but maybe I will text her at some point, just to see how she’s doing and all that. Probably not anytime soon though, since it hasn’t been that long since our breakup yet. Less than a year, actually.”
“That sounds like quite a lot of time still.”
“Maybe, but … I don’t know, I guess I just want to make sure she has enough time to move on. It’s not like I’m in any rush to talk to her again or anything.”
“Makes sense … how about you, then?”
“Huh?”
“How did you move on?”
“Ah, that … nothing specific, really. I cried it out, the guys stuffed me with ice cream for a weekend, we went clubbing next week, life kinda just went on. We had music to work on, and then Paradox came back from the dead … it’s just been busy. I kinda decided I wouldn’t have time for another relationship, so I had a few dates with some people just for fun, until this one guy showed up all stuttering and nervous … and now I’m here, reminiscing about my exes as he lies on my chest. Ain’t that romance, ha?
“I know you’re joking, but … I do think this is very romantic.”
“How?”
“Well, because all these people mattered to you, and you matter to me, and so … I like hearing about the things that made you who you are.”
“Ah, damn ...” Anne sighed, ruffling Satsuki’s hair. “Not a jealous bone in your body these days, is there?”
“Only for Hajun,” Satsuki answered in jest.
“Shhhhh … before Allen accidentally hears you and thinks you want a threesome.”
“Aaa?? No, no, nope, no thanks ...”
“I’m just kidding, babe … I doubt he can hear anything over his music anway, so you’re safe.”
“I hope so … but anyway, thank you for telling me all that. It makes me feel so much closer to you.”
“Honestly, same ...” Anne agreed with a smile. “You’re so easy to talk to …I don’t mind telling you anything.”
“Then … hmm … eh, well ...”
“Is there something else you want to ask??”
“Yes, just … ehm … uh, it’s ...”
“You wanna know how many of them I slept with?” Anne filled in the silence, pretty certain in his assumption based on Satsuki’s stuttering lack of words.
“... y-yes, if it’s not- I mean, you don’t have to, it doesn’t matter to me, but ...”
“You’re curious.”
“Yea.”
“Nothing wrong with that. Three of them; my last ex, the guy from high school that I was in love with, and the first guy I made out with. We were each other’s first everything, actually … and it was good sex, but it didn’t even remotely compare to being with people I was actually in love with later on. I don’t know, maybe I’m just overly sentimental or something, but the whole emotional connection thing is a huge part of it for me.”
“I don’t think you’re overly sentimental. I think that’s really … I mean, not like I know anything about it, but still … it feels nice to think about it like that, rather than just something you can do with anyone. But … that means you haven’t been with a guy in a while, right?”
“Right. Why?”
“... nothing. I was just wondering, uh … what it’s like.”
Anne chuckled, running a hand through his hair. “Well, for starters, the fact that there’s no chance of any accidents happening is really great. But other than that … I don’t know, can’t say I have a preference?”
“I see ...”
“I’ll say it again though, there’s no need for you to rush into any of that. You’ve got more than enough things to think through already. Once you feel like you want to explore sex, we can do it at your pace, as slowly as you’ll want to … but there’s really no rush to get there in the first place. Just take your time, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”
“But isn’t it annoying? Having to wait for me ...”
“Nope. Not in the slightest. I’m not waiting for you, Satsu … I already have you. And you’re so much more than just that, so … don’t put pressure on yourself, please.”
Satsuki sighed in relief, hugging Anne even tighter. “Fuck … I’m so in love with you. You’re so amazing. Thank you so much.”
“Anything for you, dear.”
“Okay, so … there’s one last thing, but … it’s kinda embarrassing?”
“Feel free to blush all you want, it’s already dark enough so that I can’t see shit. But if you’d like, I can also drop the blanket over your head?”
“Thanks … I don’t think that’ll be necessary though.”
“Sure. So? What else do you wanna ask?“
Satsuki closed his eyes, biting his lip. He wasn’t really sure about asking this, and he figured it might sound really stupid, but the idea just fell into his head and he loved it, and he just wanted to make sure it was possible, so … “Once we have sex … at least for the first time, can I … can I be the bottom?”
“Really? That’s it?”
“I-I don’t h-have t-to, just-”
Anne cut him off, moving slightly to reach his lips with a kiss. “Sure. I’m all for it, I was just surprised.”
“S-Surprised? Why?”
“I don’t know … I guess I thought you’d want to be on top, since that’s kinda more similar to being with a girl, at least.”
“M-Maybe, but … I think I’d want you to be in control of everything, and lead me through it, and … I just want my first time to be overwhelmed with you.”
“Shit ...” Anne mumbled, wiping a tear from the corner of his eyes. “I’m not crying or anything. You’re just … so damn perfect. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“And once you’ll want us to go there, I promise you, you’re all mine, I’ll take the best care of you.”
“Please.”
“All mine,” Anne repeated with a smile, kissing him again.
“Not gonna lie, that felt like having a heart attack, but I’m glad I asked.”
“Me too. Now, do I also get to ask you something?”
“Of course. What is it?” Satsuki asked, looking at Anne’s mischievous eyes as he moved closer to him.
“I would kindly ask you to shut the fuck up so I can kiss you,” Anne replied bluntly, bringing their lips together again.
“Done. Please, go ahead ...” Satsuki answered, half of his words getting lost in the kiss.
He was so happy, so damn happy to be there, to have Anne, to be able to talk about everything he wanted to, no matter how weird or stupid it sounded in his head. If someone asked him right now what he thought love was,
that
would be his answer. Not the kisses, not the butterflies, not the pain of missing someone … but having someone you feel safe telling anything to. Or, having someone you
want
to tell everything to.