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If We Could Get to the Moon

Summary:

Draco has successfully hidden his odd feelings for Harry Potter until the Yule Ball makes them suddenly burst out. Harry notices there's something new about the Slytherin, but he can't quite figure out what.

A story that begins in Hogwarts's fourth year and ends around the middle of the eighth. There's a lot of angst and probably even more fluff.

Notes:

This story is inspired by quite a few things: a lot of things I've just heard and read here and there, a bad Finnish TV series that happened to have one good storyline a decade ago, my studies at uni, and most of all one of my all-time favourite fics, Oakstone730's Twist of Fate. I don't know how many times I've read it or how many hours I've spent crying because of it, and still, I always keep coming back to it. At some point, I noticed I wanted to write my own version of Harry and Draco's school years, and I think you can definitely find some similar elements in my story as in Oakstone's work.

This is the very first fic I've ever posted, and English is not my first language (not even my second to be honest, heh), so there are probably some mistakes and I may use words and idioms that sound funny especially to native speakers. I've read all the chapters many times and run them in Grammarly before posting, so I hope my story is at least readable. It's okay to correct my mistakes (especially if I'm repeating some same mistakes over and over again), but I just want to remind you I'm writing only for fun :)

I think this has turned out to be some sort of a study of the pureblood culture as an extremely conservative group/a high-control group that I scrutinise through Draco and his experiences and struggling. Struggling with internalized homophobia and mental health issues are one of the main themes in this story, so if those or homophobia in general are triggers, please don't read.

All the comments and feedback are very, very welcome!

Chapter 1: Yule Ball

Chapter Text

The day Draco Malfoy had waited impatiently for months had finally come. It was a beautiful winter day and the first snow glistened like millions of small diamonds everywhere around the castle in the bright moonlight. Draco wouldn't usually prefer to celebrate Christmas at Hogwarts instead of his home, Malfoy Manor, but this year was different in many ways. First of all, the whole castle was decorated rather decently for once. Not that Draco would admit it after years of loud complaint about the staffs' lack of style in festivity decorations. And in any case, Hogwarts could never be as luxurious as the Manor, of course. Secondly, all the students from all the four Houses, at least all those above the third class, had decided to stay at school to take part in the Yule Ball. It wasn't a Christmas feast like the ones at school all the other years for those pitiful students who didn't have a family to celebrate Christmas with. No, this was something that happened so rarely it was truly an honour to be one of those to take part in it. Besides, the Ball was not only for the Hogwarts students but also for the international visitors, even for a couple of famous ones, who were staying at Hogwarts during the Triwizard Tournament. All that being said, Draco just couldn't miss the chance to make an impact on all the important international students or to brag with his dancing skills and fine and expensive taste in dress robes. 

"Draco, darling, I've been ready for ages, so if you could ever so kindly stop admiring yourself in the mirror already. You've dreamed of seeing Potter humiliating himself for months and you know this is a once in a lifetime chance you don't want to miss!" Pansy, Draco's date to the Ball, snarled impatiently behind the door to the boys' dormitory snapping Draco back to reality. 

Potter. To be totally honest, Potter might actually be Draco's main reason to participate in the Ball. Not that Draco would ever admit it to anyone, not even to himself. As a Triwizard Champion, Potter must be on display all the evening having everybody's eyes on him. Only this time his stupid Gryffindor courage and dumb luck wouldn't save him like during the first Tournament task. The git, clumsy as ever, had simply no taste at all and wouldn't certainly survive the opening dance with his two left feet. The humiliation seemed to be inevitable for the Gryffindor, and Draco was really looking forward to witnessing that occasion. And, who knew, maybe help Potter to make himself even more embarrassed in one way or another. 

Draco's friends had commented a couple of times on his constant need to embarrass Potter and to get a reaction out of the Gryffindor, and Pansy and Blaise had gone even as far as to call it an obsession of sorts. Though of course there was no way Draco would be obsessed. Potter was just so utterly annoying and arrogant and basically just begging for problems all the time, so Draco couldn't help but continuously bring the git back down to earth. Someone had to do it.

Once more Draco watched himself in the mirror with a satisfied grin on his face. This night was going to be something so much better than his Potter Stinks badges. 

 

--*--*--*--*--

 

"Did they open the doors already?" Pansy asked irritated, trying to peek between Draco and Blaise in her giant and horrifyingly pink dress robes. 

Even though the Great Hall had already been almost entirely full when Draco had come in with his lackeys, they had had no problem in finding a good spot in the front row right in front of the dance floor. Or finding might not be a very accurate word in the Slytherin context, they had rather made a spot for themselves by elbowing and jinxing other students when necessary. 

"For the tenth time Pans, no, they haven't opened the doors yet. And yes, we do tell you as soon as we see any kind of movement,” Draco said, gritting his teeth nervously. 

"You know, according to proper etiquette, you should let your date be in front of you, not behind you trying to get a crappy glimpse of the scene behind your shoulders,” Pansy whined, jabbing Draco harshly in the middle of the back. 

Draco rolled his eyes annoyed focusing again on the doors that lead into the Great Hall, "May I kindly remind you that it was you who said this is something I’ve been waiting for months and don't want to miss in a million years? Besides, I've planned something for Potter so that he'll mess up with his steps even more with my help."

Greg and Vince chuckled on both sides of Pansy while Pansy crossed her arms wrinkling her nose. Blaise huffed without turning his gaze from the doors. "As if Potter needed your help to make an utter fool of himself. How many was it again, Draco? Was it eight new hexes you dug from the library books and studied for weeks? And just for this evening, only for Potter.”

Draco felt his face blushing and he deliberately tried to ignore Blaise by focusing on the doors even harder if possible. Blaise and his stupid insinuations about Draco being obsessed with Potter had become more frequent this year. At first, Draco had been able to take them as some kind of twisted jokes, but lately, he had noticed that there was something odd behind Blaise's comments and gaze that Draco wasn't really catching. This missing piece made Draco every time more and more restless as if Blaise knew something essential about Draco that Draco didn't know himself. And now, once again, Draco felt the anxiety rising and making his body stiffen. 

Suddenly the doors to the Great Hall opened and Draco heard some students crying out excitedly. The four champions entered the Hall with their dates, Potter and the Patil girl bringing up the rear. All the champions and their dates seemed to be smiling excitedly, meanwhile, Potter looked terrified, as if he preferred being anywhere else at that very moment. Draco's gaze was fixed on Potter and his way to stumble awkwardly behind the older champions, and it was truly a miracle that the Gryffindor hadn't already fallen on the floor. 

All of a sudden Draco felt his body freeze. For some inexplicable reason, Draco felt a strong and odd pull rising rapidly towards the git. There was something about Potter's stupid, messy hair, his stupid clumsiness, stupid, ugly scar and, admittedly, quite fine dress robes that made Draco feel his mouth going dry and suddenly forgetting all the taunts and hexes he had studied fervently for this very occasion. Draco's stomach flipped as he felt an already familiar fluttery feeling in his chest, this time just much more vivid and petrifying than ever before. Draco's head was totally blank, and he could do nothing but stare at Potter with a somewhat shocked expression on his face. 

"Would you look at that, Potter doesn't even have to try to dance. He can't obviously get himself even to the dancefloor before messing up with the steps. Seems like you don't have to hex him after all,” Pansy laughed sardonically, turning her eyes to Draco. "Hey, what's gotten into you?" Pansy asked, gripping Draco's shoulder and shaking it.

"Why are we gossiping about Potter, didn't you see Granger? I didn't almost recognise her at all,” Blaise said hastily before Draco had time to react to Pansy's accusation. 

All the Slytherins turned their heads, trying to see what Blaise was talking about. "The one with Krum, is it really the Mudblood?" Pansy shrieked, eyes widening in amaze when she saw Granger walking and smiling widely in her floaty, periwinkle-blue dress robes. Not only were her dress robes dashing, someone had done miracles to her usually-so-bushy hair as well.   

"I really didn't see that coming. If only had I known about Mudblood's hidden, secret sides before…" Blaise said bemused before glancing at his own date, Daphne Greengrass in slytherin green dress robes, with discontent on his face. Not that there was anything wrong with Daphne, but this time Granger might have drawn a longer straw. Or probably even the longest at the whole school. 

The others continued discussing Granger's transformation without Draco hearing a word. Draco's head felt like a big mess of conflicting feelings and thoughts that just came and went before he could take a grip on any of them. At first, Draco could nothing but admire how exceptionally handsome Potter looked in his bottle green dress robes that brought out the colour of his emerald green eyes quite stunningly. Before Draco could contemplate that thought deeper, he felt jealousy rising, making him clench his fists slightly. As if there was any need to feel jealous. It was rather quite the opposite, the Patil girl didn't seem that content with being Potter's pair as they started to lurch around the dancefloor, Patil having to do all the work. Still, at that moment Draco wanted nothing more than to be the one to stagger on the dancefloor with Potter, holding him tight against Draco's own body and feeling the warmth and electricity of their connected bodies as he would be sinking into Potter's green, beautiful eyes. 

As Draco became aware of the disturbed image of himself and Potter dancing together, Draco started to feel the panic rising. Suddenly his throat was so tight he couldn't breathe properly anymore, and his heart raced, making him dizzy. This couldn't be happening, not to him. Draco had always been really good at ignoring all that kind of feelings he wasn't supposed to feel, and to feel attraction to Potter at any level was absolutely one of them. For some reason, Draco now found it impossible to get his deranged feelings to stay put. He had hidden his feelings for Potter for such a long time under the surface, that once they had gotten loose, they had started to explode almost violently making Draco feel like an utter wreck.

Abruptly someone gripped Draco's trembling shoulder. "Draco, look at me,” Blaise said calmly but firmly, obliging Draco's eyes to his. 

Draco hesitated but turned his stormy eyes to meet Blaise's after a moment. "Hey, it's okay, just concentrate on breathing for a moment. In and out,” Blaise murmured reassuringly, and Draco tried his best to focus on inhaling and exhaling in turns.

Draco hadn't even paid attention to his breath that had become too fast and shallow at some point. Slowly but surely Draco's breath became more even as he continued staring at Blaise's serene eyes and concentrating on Blaise's warm but strong hand on his shoulder. 

"Now, that's better. You have to go out and get some air. Just take your time to pull yourself together. I'll see that no one comes to disturb you,” Blaise continued whispering and squeezing Draco's shoulder one more time before letting go. 

Dazed, Draco did as Blaise had advised him. He barely noticed people whispering and staring at him oddly as he walked out of the Great Hall. He strode through the entrance hall as quickly as possible, and when he finally reached to open the front doors, the cold winter air welcomed him with open arms.

 

--*--*--*--*--

 

Draco had always loved this time of the year. Some people considered winter to be just something depressive and grim, and all they could see around them was death as many of the birds had left to the south, days had become significantly shorter, trees had lost their leaves and flowers had disappeared. Instead of death and misery, all Draco could see was comforting peacefulness that radiated from the sleeping nature. Everything was just sleeping, gathering their strength to feel alive again for the upcoming spring and summer.  

In fact, during the long winter months, Draco felt as if he was settling down and resting alongside nature. Not that he would have been calmer or quieter at school, he had his social status and a high position in the hierarchy to hold on tooth and nail. But if and when Draco felt too restless, he could always seek some peace of mind by going out for a walk. Just like at that very moment.

Winter's calmness and stillness wrapped Draco tight, and he felt as if he could breathe again after his little episode in the Great Hall. Draco walked slowly around Hogwarts grounds as the glistening snow crunched under his feet and the moon created long, black shadows on the clean white snow. Draco felt his body shivering slightly when he arrived at the shore of the Black Lake, and he was sure there were at least a couple of degrees below the zero. 

Draco regarded the thin ice cover on the lake while images of his episode came streaming back to his mind. This time, though, the panic didn't take over, even if he still felt rather anxious. He had seen all that coming, even though he had managed to lie to himself for a long time. Draco sighed heavily. He knew that there was no way he could continue lying to himself, not anymore, not after that night. Somehow Draco felt even a little relieved. At least he knew now what was happening to him. Or rather to the insides of his head. 

To admit being gay was hard. Draco's unconscious mind had given him hints for years, but Draco had simply ignored them and tried to bury them somewhere deeper. He couldn't be gay. There was a huge contradict in Draco's mind, and he didn't know how to handle it. How could one be something they weren't supposed to be? Draco was well aware of all the expectations towards him, and those definitely didn't include courting another bloke. Draco was supposed to marry a nice, pureblood witch and produce an heir, simple as that. If he didn't meet those expectations, he would let his family down and would most likely be disowned and thrown out of the family. Or actually, of the whole pureblood culture and basically everything Draco was familiar with. There wasn't a bigger shame for a proper pureblood family than a son with some sick… proclivities. Draco's father had always made very clear his opinions on poofters. They were as worthless as muggles and Mudbloods, or maybe even worse. And Draco had already been such a disappointment to his father by letting some Mudblood girl top him on school grades. Draco's greatest desire had always been to be worthy of his father's admiration and acceptance, so he couldn't just let his father down, not anymore. 

As long as Draco's unconscious had hinted about being gay, as long had it hinted about being bent for Potter. Draco didn't even know which was worse. At first, he had explained to himself that his constant desire to get Potter's attention arose from the git's irksomeness that made Draco's blood boil. Actually, Potter didn't usually even have to do anything to annoy Draco, the bastard's bare existence could be enough of a reason to make Draco react. Draco had longed for Potter's attention ever since they both had started at Hogwarts, and at first annoying Potter had felt like some kind of a crusade for Draco. He had wanted to repay Potter for humiliating him in front of the others by not accepting Draco's friendship in the first year, or so he had explained to himself. Gradually Draco's lonely crusade had started to include also other, more complicated feelings than pure hatred and bitterness. If it ever had included only hatred and bitterness in the first place. At some point, it had become clear to Draco that he didn't really want to rile Potter up to make him suffer. Draco just wanted Potter to notice him for reasons that Draco hadn't really let himself to ponder. 

For starters, Draco seemed to have a thing to Potter's deep green eyes and his black and always-so-messy hair. Even though Draco was used to comment nastily on Potter's appearance, Draco thought Potter had always been the most beautiful boy he had ever seen with his stupidly pretty green eyes and tousled hair, and even when he was wearing his cousin's old muggle rags. Draco couldn't help the feeling of wanting to absorb every little detail of Potter and his body. He wanted to try how Potter's hair would feel like if he could run his fingers through it, how soft and warm Potter's skin would feel like under his fingertips, how right Potter's flat chest would feel against his own, how well their lips would match with each other…

Though it had never really been just Potter's appearance that drove Draco mad, and it made things so much more difficult. Some lust based on one's appearance would probably just come and go without pain, but Draco's feelings had been something deeper right from the beginning. To begin with, he had always envied Potter's close friendship with Weasel and Mudblood. Not that Draco wanted to be Weasel and Mudblood's friend, he envied just their relationship as such. Everybody could see how close they were to each other, how they trusted each other and how they stood for each other, no matter what. Potter was utterly, and quite often even stupidly, selfless and loyal to those people he truly cared for. Despite his erratic background being obliviously Wizarding World's number one hero grown up by muggles, Potter was always so benevolent, brave and he just seemed to know how to do the right thing. Or maybe it all was rather thanks to his background. A background that was really different from the one Draco had. 

Draco's father and his friends had always ranted about Potter's pure evilness because he had killed their ever so loved Dark Lord. Therefore, Potter must be such a threat and danger, especially to the purebloods. Even as a child Draco had wondered, how the Dark Lord could have been so almighty if he managed to get himself killed by a baby, not to mention a Half-blood baby. And how a child in his age could be evil. As far as he had known, children couldn't be evil. How could they, they couldn't do magic, they couldn't defend themselves and they were just so small, weak and innocent. Once Draco had expressed his thoughts to his father and, to put it mildly, his father hadn't been very pleased. After that Lucius Malfoy had made it extremely clear to Draco to never question his opinions again.

In any case, Draco's feelings for Potter were something that could never be reciprocated. If Potter ever happened to fancy blokes, he could never fall for Draco. Draco had tried to hide his feelings so furiously that he had shown Potter only quite opposite feelings than his real ones. Potter was certainly 100% sure Draco hated him more than anyone, after all these years of cruel bullying. And on some level Draco really hated Potter. Sometimes it was just so much easier to blame Potter for causing Draco to feel these stupid feelings towards him and making Draco struggle so much with the path his family had laid for him. Without Potter, Draco would probably be able to meet his father's expectations so much easier. 

It was not a miracle Draco's head had been a big mess for a long time. Admitting his feelings finally helped somewhat, or at least his head felt a lot clearer. Now he only had to come up with a plan. Draco had been raised to follow his path, and he knew he should follow it with pride. He could never let his true feelings to show, no one could ever know. The only possible way Draco saw was to try to hide his feelings even deeper. Draco knew he couldn't hide his feelings from himself anymore, but he was pretty sure he would be able to fool everyone else. Maybe he could try to date Pansy during his time at Hogwarts and start courting right after graduating. Draco knew he wouldn't be able to be perfectly happy, but maybe he would be content enough. The happiness of his parents came first, while his own wasn't as important. And how could he even be happy if he didn't have his family or his heritage?  

Draco shook his head slightly, trying to come back to the present moment. He glanced at the frozen lake once more with new determination in his gaze before he started to head back to the castle. Now Draco had a plan to follow, and he knew he was capable of doing it.