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Avoiding the inevitable

Chapter 4

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Walking into their favorite Midtown deli, Andy spotted Doug sitting at their usual booth in the corner. She bent down to give him their customary kiss on the cheek before sitting down in her seat. The pair ordered their usual, a pastrami sandwich for Doug, and a chicken mozzarella with sun-dried tomatoes for Andy. While they ate, Doug was going on and on about some guy that had recently started at the accounting firm where he worked. If Andy was being honest, she didn’t hear a single word he said, neither had she taken more than a few bites of her sandwich, which in its own was a highly unusual mannerism for Andy. She simply toyed with a napkin next to her plate while her other hand supported her chin in its palm. Unaware that Doug had fallen silent for several minutes, he was watching Andy closely, waiting for his best friend to return to the land of the living. When that didn’t seem to happen anytime soon on its own accord, he opted to take the matter into his own hands.  

“So, what’s got you moping around like some sad little gremlin?” Doug asked around a mouth full of the last bite of his pastrami sandwich. When no answer seemed to be forthcoming, he tried a different tactic to get his friend out of her shell. Sighing rather dramatically, he raised his voice a little to make sure Andy would hear him.   

“I don’t even know why I bothered asking. I know this is about Miranda .”   

Andy’s head snapped up, looking at him as if he suddenly had grown another head.  

Finally, that did the trick. He thought to himself, chuckling lightly.  

“So, what did you do this time to piss off a certain iconic fashion matriarch?” The look on his friend’s face nearly made him double over in laughter, nearly. He knew it wouldn’t go over well with Andy.  

“How did y-” Andy spoke up, incredulity written all over her face but Doug didn’t need her to finish that sentence.   

This has gone on for far too long. He ruminated to himself.  

“Because Andy, every time for the last couple of months when we’ve gotten together, Miranda has been almost the only thing you’ve talked about. It’s always been Miranda this, and Miranda that. Did you not hear yourself? You’re always complaining about how much of a bitch she is to you and you keep asking me why she hates your guts like you expect me to know all the answers, which you know I don’t but you keep on asking anyway.” He paused for a moment, giving Andy the time to let the truth of the matter sink in. “So, why is that, Andy? Why do you care so much about what she might think of you?”  

“I don’t know, Doug.” She let out an aggravated sigh. “Honestly, I don’t know anything anymore. For some reason, I just can’t get the woman out of my head. I can’t stop thinking about her and it’s frustrating me to no end. She’s just so God damned infuriating!” She let out a tormented sigh. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I’m good, no, I’m fucking great at my job and I know she knows it too. Yet, she keeps on treating me like shit. Like I’m some sort of abhorrent peasant. Every day for the past two months she’s been squishing me under her heels for no apparent reason and it’s starting to drive me nuts. Even when I’ve managed to make sure her day has run effortlessly and into perfection, she looks at me with such disdain. I honestly have no idea why she hasn’t fired me yet if she hates it so much to look at me. And then, when I finally do something that gives her a valid reason to ban me from New York she-”  

“What? What did she do?” Doug encouraged her to continue, secretly enjoying watching his best friend in such a flustered state.  

“She does absolutely nothing?! I spoke against her. Against the unforgiving fucking Devil in Heels. I told her I won’t apologize for something I did she clearly disapproved of. I even interrupted her for God’s sake! And I swear she looked about on the verge to throw me out the window. I’d given her the perfect opportunity to verbally grind be into dust and then, all of a sudden, she decides to do nothing about it? I mean, what’s up with that? It doesn’t make any sense.” Groaning, she repeated. “She doesn’t make any sense.”  

Intrigued, elbows resting on the table between them, he leaned closer and whispered almost as if in secrecy. “So, what did you do to piss off her royal highness?”  

Crossing her arms over her chest, Andy said indignantly. “Be serious, Doug. This isn’t funny.” 

Trying with an almighty effort to keep his face as serious as he could, he tried again. “I know this isn’t funny, Andy. So, what did you do?”  

Looking away, Andy grumbled. “I spoke to one of her daughters.”   

Doug’s face contorted in confusion. “What? That’s it?” - Well, that was rather anti-climactic.  He mused to himself before continuing. “What’s so wrong about that?”  

“So, we’re not supposed to, Doug! It’s like way up there with the ‘no touching’ and ‘not asking questions’ rule, only worse. But I-… Well, I’ve been, y’know, sort of talking to the twins for a while now, without her knowledge, of course. I guess we’ve sort of bonded a little.”  

“You’ve bonded with the Devil’s spawn?! You’re right, this is weird.” Now it was Doug’s turn to look at her as if she’d grown another head.  

“Don’t call them that! They’re good kids. Sure, they were a couple of mean pranksters in the beginning, but once you get to know them, they’re actually really sweet.” Andy defended.  

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Just didn’t see that one coming, is all. So, what happened?”  

“Well, Cassidy called out to me the other night when I dropped off the Book and she told me about something that’s been bothering her. Which was sort of a new development. We’ve only ever talked about school, friends, books, and random stuff before, but that night we talked about Miranda. I didn’t realize that Miranda was listening in on our conversation and consequently, she was in an impossible mood the next day. I didn’t know why she was so mad at first, but figured it out it was because of what I said to Cassidy, and then, well, y’know, that’s when I confronted her about it.”  

“So, the two of you budded heads but she didn’t lash out at you afterward?”   

Andy shook her head in response.  

“Why do you make it sound like that’s a bad thing?”  

“Because it was so unlike her, Doug. C’mon, you know how she is, what they say about her. She’s an unforgiving bitch. She holds a grudge against someone if they so much as get her coffee order wrong.”  

Suppressing an eye roll at his friend’s dramatics, he ventured further. “Right, so, what did you say to the kid that got Miranda so upset? About how she’s been treating you?”  

“No, no, nothing like that. She just missed her mother’s attention and felt a little insecure, I guess. I just told her that her mother loves her no matter what and tried to make her understand that Miranda’s job is incredibly demanding and stuff. She took it pretty well and we ended on a high note.”  

“So, you said nothing bad about Miranda that she overheard?”  

“No, on the contrary. I even praised her, talked her up like she’s some kind of superhero, for God’s sake, and I meant every word of it. I don’t want her daughter to think anything less of her. God knows how difficult her life already is with Runway, the divorce, and the press and all that. She doesn’t need her daughter to misunderstand her as well.”  

“That’s pretty big of you, Andy. Considering how she’s been treating you.”   

“Yeah, well.” Clearing her throat, she continued to vent. “So, I don’t get why Miranda was so mad in the first place, other than me talking to her kid. But that shouldn’t have been reason enough for her to be so angry the following day.”  

Doug pondered the situation for a moment, but it didn’t take him long to figure out what’s been really at play between the two women.  

My God, for all her smarts, she can really be so dense at times. He thought to himself.  

“Hm, did you ever stop to think that she wasn’t necessarily angry at you, babe?”  

Andy raised a questioning eyebrow at him. “Huh? What do you mean?”  

“Well, I don’t know her like you obviously do Andy, but could it be that she might’ve been angrier at herself than at you?”  

“I don’t get what you’re trying to say, Doug? Why would-”  

“C’mon, Andy. Her daughter confessed to her assistant that she’s sad because of her. The kid came to you to talk about it instead of her own mother. I’m pretty sure any mom would feel guilty about that. About their child running off to someone else for comfort.”  

Andy sat back, letting that sink in for a moment. When she reached the conclusion that Doug hit the nail on the head, her eyes widening in realization. - God, how could I have been so dense?  She berated herself.  

“Oh, my God. I think you’re right.”  

“Of course, I am.” Doug laughed at her astounded face.  

“Well, I guess, that’s good, isn’t it? I mean, y’know, that she isn’t angrier at me than she already is. Well, by much, but still, yeah.”  

Doug smirking wickedly. He knew there was so much more going on with his best friend that she was so obviously oblivious to, and he was going to have a damn good time making her see through her ignorance.  

Silence fell over them for several moments with Doug considering how best to approach the subject about his friend’s obsession.  

“Andy?”  

“Hmm?”  

“Why is this so important to you, anyway? I mean, she’s just your boss. A horrible one at that-”  

Andy blinked out of her seemingly content daze, interrupting Doug. “She’s not horrible-”  

“And why do you keep defending her when someone, other than you, says something bad about her?”  

“What? I’m doing no such thing!” She scoffed.  

“Except that you do, Andy. I mean, it’s okay for you to talk about how ridiculously mean, pompous and pretentious she is, but not when I do it. You don’t even read Page Six anymore because you don’t like what they write about Miranda.” He tried to make her see how unusual she’s been behaving.  

“I, I-” Andy frowned and shook her head. She hadn’t realized she did indeed defend Miranda when someone spoke ill of her until now. “I don’t know, Doug. What’s wrong with me? I should hate her guts because of the way she’s been treating me, shouldn’t I?”  

“But you don’t?” His question sounded more like a statement because he already knew the answer.  

“No, I guess not.” Shaking her head, Andy sat back in her seat, feeling a little confused by the revelation.   

“Then what do you think of her, other than her being a bitch to you?” Doug asked, a knowing look on his face.  

Andy looked heavenwards, thinking what a useless question that was, but then her mind drifted to Miranda, consuming her as she started to voiced her unfiltered thoughts. She gazed down over his shoulder, hazel eyes glazing over when she started to speak. “Well, I think she’s smart, crazy smart, brilliant more like it, and witty. God, she can be so funny sometimes even when she’s purposely not trying to be. I mean, she excels at dry humor and sarcasm, it’s seriously amusing to watch when it isn’t directed towards me. She’s so passionate about her work, it’s enthralling to watch her fall into it at times. And she’s so fucking confident it’s incredible. You can literally feel her presence even before you see her. Not to mention how beautiful she is. The way she dresses it’s-”  

“Andy-”  

“It’s amazing. The clothes she wears are amazing, but it’s her that makes them beautiful.” Andy continued on, not realizing Doug tried to interrupt her. “And her eyes-”  

“Andy-”  

“My God, I’ve never seen eyes like hers before. They’re so blue. After her cerulean rant, I’ve been trying to discern all the different shades and colors but none I’ve found matches the color of her eyes. And her hair-”  

“Andrea!”  

Andy blinked out of her stupor and focused back on Doug. “What?”   

He raised an eyebrow in disbelief. “My God, Andy. Do you even hear yourself?”  

Frowning in confusion she asked again. “What?”  

Sighing, he shook his head. - So dense, so fucking dense. He thought. Then looked back up, staring his friend in the eye and conveyed in all seriousness. “Girl, I think you’re in love.”  

“WHAT?!” Andy yelled incredulously, then proceeded to laugh as if he just made the joke of the year. “Don’t be ridiculous, Dougie.”  

Doug remained serious. “But I’m not. Did you really not hear yourself just now? I mean, I’ve known you since we were little kids and I’ve never heard you talk like you just did about someone. Not even Nate or any of your boyfriends or crushes before him for that matter. I’ve never even seen that look on your face you just had when you talked about her, and that’s saying something.”  

“C’mon, I’m not in love with her, Doug!” Andy retorted indignantly. “I envy and respect her, for sure. But love?! You’re insane. I’m straight for heaven’s sake.”  

“What do you think about her legs?” He deadpanned.  

“What? What kind of question is that?”  

“Just answer the question, babe.”  

Andy huffed, crossing her arms over her chest once more in her usual self-defending manner.  

“C’mon. Indulge me?” Doug asked sweetly.  

“I, I-” Andy sighed, then she complied to his frolic and tried to picture Miranda’s legs. Unconsciously her eyes closed and she started to see a picture in her mind’s eye.   

Elegantly crossed at the knee. Long, thin legs with smooth alabaster skin, and beautifully defined calves. Strong thighs, unfortunately, concealed by a tight charcoal pencil skirt. Five-inch, suede Louboutin heels on her feet, one of them salaciously drawing circles in the air. The whole picture was provocatively sensuous and frankly, it started to turn her on.  

Her eyes snapped open in shocked disbelief and she saw Doug holding out a napkin for her, a smug look on his face.  

“You’re drooling.” He teased. Andy quickly wiped her hand over her mouth before she realized he was joking.  

“Asshole.” She murmured, slumping down in her seat and crossing her arms over her chest.  

“Well?” Doug prompted.  

“Well, what?” Andy sneered.  

“What do you think of her legs?” He repeated the question, once again, already knowing the answer. 

Andy sat up straight, huffing. “Alright, fine! I see your point. She’s hot. Of course, she is. That doesn’t mean anything, y’know. I know you would even sleep with her if you’d ever got the chance. You, and any other gay men, and straight women, and the whole fucking world would, given the chance. But I’m not in love with her, Doug. That’s just preposterous.”  

My God! How can anybody be so ridiculously dense?! He thought to himself once more. “Are you sure about that? Because-”  

“Of course, I’m sure! It’s just a case of hero-worship or something, a little infatuation-”  

“A little?!”   

“But it’s not love, Doug! It’s not, it can’t be. She’s my boss for God’s sake! My older, mother of two, twice divorced, diabolical, wickedly vicious, insanely malicious boss. Not to mention that she hates my guts. How could I ever love someone like that?”  

“You forgot to mention that she’s a woman.” Doug grinned. “And, I don’t know, you tell me?   

Andy bitterly glared at him, then down at her lap as she let out a heavy sigh. Her head was pounding and she suddenly felt utterly exhausted and confused. This conversation hadn’t been at all what she had expected, nor its outcome. Thoughts swirled through her mind and she felt the need to escape from it all. Feeling confined sitting in the corner booth and needing desperately to breathe, she got up from her seat and looked down at her friend, a look of sadness on her face.  

“Thanks for the talk, Dougie.” - Not really. She thought. “But I’m going to head on home.”  

“Andy? Are you sure? I’m sorry if-” Worriedly, Doug looked up at his friend.  

“Yeah, I just-, need some time to process and stuff. I’ll call you, okay?”  

“Okay, love you.” Doug resigned, knowing his friend needed her space for now.  

“Love you, too,” Andy called out over her shoulder and exited the deli.  

Forgoing taking the subway back to her apartment, Andy absentmindedly picked a random direction and started walking. Intending to clear her head of all thoughts about Miranda but unsurprisingly, failed miserably.   

Me? In love with Miranda Priestly? That’s just utterly ridiculous. Andy thought to herself.  

For God’s sake, just several moments ago I didn’t even realize I could be attracted to another woman, let alone fall in love with one. I mean, seriously?! I just had to go and develop a crush on La Priestly, out of everyone!    

I must be insane. That’s obviously it, there must be something horribly wrong with me. There’s no other explanation.   

Really, I’m not in love with her. It’s just a ridiculous case of hero-worship.    

Well, duh! That’s exactly it... Right?   

I just envy her, respect her, even though she’s a bitch.    

Sure, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on-   

“God damn it! I’m not in love with her! I’m so fucking not!” Andy groaned out in frustration, then looked up towards the heavens.  

“Miranda Priestly, what are you doing to me...” 

Notes:

Ooh, Dougie. Couldn't we all do with a gay best friend?

& Don't you all wish for our Andy to wise up already?
I mean, seriously, who doesn't love Miranda?