Chloe cried herself to sleep that night. That’s all that came to her. The silence of tears deafening her beyond measure, alone in her room, alone in her bed. She fell on the bed like a fallen leaf, still in her prime but surrounded by the coldness of autumn somehow. She let the zippers of her dress bite into her skin, the corset still not constricting her pain enough as she struggled to breathe through her tears.
She deserved this. And probably more. Definitely more. How did she let herself go from someone who comforted, didn’t judge, to being someone who worsened someone’s battles that he fought within?
Yes, she was still unable to accept it, most parts of what she had seen still haunted her beyond measure but she also knew, the second she’d seen his face tonight, literally, every shred of it vanished. And it would be a lie if she hadn’t told herself and him enough, that she didn’t fucking care anymore. How he stilled under her hands, how his gaze went from hopeful to hurt and dejected in a matter of minutes, that’s what she cared about.
The spiral dragged to a dreamless slumber soon, vacating all thought and stream had yet to think and do so much about.
She woke up sometime during the early hours, with the clouds still heavy in the grey, angry sky. It was raining heavily, the sky still dark and cloudy and it seemed like a thunderstorm approaching. Still, somehow, she made way to the kitchen to find herself a mug of coffee to fix her state and head to work.
Before she could find herself reaching for the coffee jar, her legs gave away and she succumbed to the dark blanket of enervation.
By the time Chloe came to, she could only manage to drag herself to her bedroom and call in sick. Later in the afternoon, she hurled out the leftover alcohol in her system and the cereal she had tried to stuff an hour back.
It was all catching up to her. The dread, the sadness, the lonely pressure, the hurt, and all the strength Chloe Decker otherwise possessed was buried somewhere, and she wouldn’t find out, for another day.
She slept for 16 hours straight, not waking up to the goodnight call from Trixie and Dan, the get well soon message from Margot, and 2 missed calls and 5 texts from Ella’s substitute Miguel.
They were all in the order of deductions he had made with the lab reports for the current case Chloe was working on and by the fifth text, he had himself connected the dots together and solved the part that she should’ve been there for.
What was she doing to herself?
How could she let everything get so out of hand?
Since when had she given up to letting herself be this person who couldn’t get her shit together? She had to get her act together. Go back to the precinct, then go see Lucifer, if he would see her at all that is. But she’ll grovel if she had to. She’d hurt him, and she would work for the forgiveness, no matter how long it took.
The next morning looked better for her. The sky was a lot clearer and so were her mind and focus. She wrapped herself in a towel after a cold shower and walked through the closet to pull out a pair of black jeans and a beige jumper. It made her look less tired and she definitely didn’t need any more attention than the ordeal with her absent partner was getting.
She’d missed this. Looking forward to her day, knowing she was in control, ready to take on the next homicide just being the Chloe Decker, she had known herself to be.
Lucifer had changed so much for her, in ways she didn’t she could be changed at this point in her life. She was in this settled stencil and he broke her right out of it. Made her laugh at the wrong times, made her feel what it felt like to have that fire inside her again, to be desired like she was the only woman he could think about, to be trusted in, made her believe in herself and seldom knowingly, and more often than not unknowingly gave her the support she didn’t know she was seeking anymore in her life.
She’ll get it all back in order, she just fucking had to.
Lucifer was lost in tune when Maze entered. His fingers played with the keys, humming along with the tunes of some old melody he was seeking comfort in again. His eyes looked less weary now, the perfectly dressed gentleman back in place, for the show at least.
Past two days, he’d felt an odd coldness settle onto himself and she’d seen the shift, rather felt it.
It was all too familiar but it felt so ancient. Familiar to who he was when they both landed on earth 5 years ago and ancient because they almost wouldn’t recognize themselves if they looked back. He was en route burying Lucifer Morningstar, the civilian consultant, the guy who owned LUX with a layer of the fallen angel, Lucifer.
She knew he still went to therapy, argued, listen, and disagreed with Linda the same, but there was no mention of her name. They spoke about her, yes, but he didn’t let her name come to his lips even once.
He smiled, danced around in LUX, played even but then he would just disappear. He would lay in his penthouse, all alone, still dressed in whatever suit he wore, unmoving, unfeeling. And she knew, his eyes still looked up when the elevator would ping, all fifteen or thirty times during the course of the day, hoping he’d see her and then would look away, with a steadier gaze into nothingness and a rigid face.
He didn’t need her. He meant what he said. He was too good for a casual fuck. It was surprising when he said it out loud, wanting it to mean how much he cared for her, but the moment those words had hit his own ears, he knew what he really meant. HE deserved better.
Better than whatever Chloe had thought he was. Whatever she wanted him to be.
But more than anything, he knew he was a fool to trust and believe. No one stayed for the devil. And certainly, a human wasn’t going to be the one who finally did.
Maybe one day there will be someone else, a hundred or maybe five hundred years from now who would want to stay, and then he’ll know better. He’ll know better than believing it.
He didn’t even feel Maze’s presence, and neither did he hear the elevator ping close as she left without saying a word.
The precinct was quiet. Morbidly so. There was no banter by the forensics lab, Miguel worked there silently, not looking up even once from his microscope. The coffee counter was unoccupied, two officers silently drinking from their cups. Margot’s office was unusually quiet as well, the whole vibe was just off today.
As she worked through her stack of case files, she looked up now and then, at the chair in front of her. Empty.
Then her eyes would involuntarily wander to the desk behind it. Dan’s desk, also empty. It was really weird.
But it definitely gave her the much-needed space without any interruption to plan what she had to do next. She had to get a clear head, wrap up her cases and focus on Lucifer.
She would prepare a script if she had to, but she could not mess up with Lucifer now. She wanted to fix it so bad. To make him see how terribly she felt. How terribly sorry she felt.
Thankfully, there was no crime scene visit on her schedule that day. Which meant she had all the more time to gather her thoughts and meet with Lucifer. It was 5 in the evening when she finally wrapped up the arrest reports, ME analysis, and case files and left for the mission she had on hand.
Chloe found her door unlocked. She remembered double-locking it in the morning and her keys always stuck on the second time she twisted her key. So how?
She pulled her revolver out and aimed straight at the door and walked in. It was still dark. No sign of anything broken, everything was in place. The door was also unlocked, not broken. Then how?
“Hello, who’s it? Hello!” No answer, her voice echoed in the room against the dead silence.
“Show yourself or I’ll have to shoot.” She turned around the kitchen counter to have a protective front in case the intruder was armed. Her Glock was sternly positioned on the counter, safety off, hands firm against the trigger.
“God Decker, please don’t tell me you take down actual killers that way.”
She jumped in her step before recognizing the voice. “Maze? Fuck what are you doing the breaking and entering my apartment?”
She walked over to the entrance and flipped the lights on. Maze was seated in a corner of her living room. She looked focused but her posture was weird, stuck to the back of the chair like something was holding her behind.
“Why are you sitting in dark in my apartment Maze?” She asked again. “And why are your hands behind my chair.
“I uh…” She turned around in the swivel chair and showed what it was. Her hands were cuffed behind the chair. But why?
“Okay let me rephrase, why are you in my house, breaking and entering, to sit in the dark wearing handcuffs? What is going on?”
“You tell me what is on with you and Lucifer, Decker?” She asked annoyingly as she turned back in her chair. “And this, I’m locked into these. You’re safe and you can keep your distance while we talk. Linda said something about good-faith gesture or something.”
Wait. Linda? “Wait a minute. Linda knows?”
“That you and Lucifer are being assholes to each other for no reason, yes she does. She’s his therapist and my best friend Chloe.”
“No, I mean, about you and Lucifer and… everything.” She hesitated. She was still flabbergasted hearing about it. But there was a certain sense of relief that accompanied it. Only if she’d known there was someone who could’ve helped her prevent the shitshow at LUX…
“She does. And you can talk to her about it later but I have stuff to say first.”
“Yeah of course. But how long have you been here?”
“Eh, just a couple of hours. I knew you wouldn’t have much at the precinct and everyone was busy somewhere. So, I decided I could come talk.”
She was too preoccupied in her chain of thoughts that rounded around her identity rather than feeling creeped out by how neatly Maze had her schedule figured out and she could literally turn into a murderer if she wanted to.
Maze was a demon. Her unnaturally ruthless persona, exemplary hunting skills, it all added up now. She didn’t even know what actually to make of it, but she didn’t know what to make of Lucifer’s reality either. All the internet research, the pamphlets, the anti-Christ advertisements popping up on her Instagram were way off for very obvious and jarringly apparent reasons.
“Yes, actually I think you can help me with some things too. But you can take off your cuffs Maze, it’s a bit too much.” She said looking down at her own feet, well aware that her behavior had caused this.
“Oh, so you feel safe enough with me?” Maze spoke, mocking her, and breaking the handcuffs behind her. The cold metal dropped on the wooden floor, and she rose from the chair. “So, what if I decide to kill you now?”
“You could’ve killed me by now if you wanted to Maze. A pair of handcuffs wasn’t going to stop you.” She spoke with a sad smile, yet confidently.
“Maybe I was waiting for you to trust me enough, I surely don’t have any qualms breaking your trust, and your neck for that matter.”
“Then do it. If that’s what you’re here to do. I deserve some of it, definitely not getting my neck broken but what can I say life’s unfair right.” She was on the verge of screaming it out loud. Yes, she had made a huge fucking mistake, but she couldn’t help it. What was she supposed to do?
“Yes, it’s unfair. Life is unfair and what you did to Lucifer is unfair too. I don’t know what you did, but he’s gone full stone cold. He’s someone I cannot recognize anymore and it’s been three days since he last saw you. Three days cannot change the devil, no matter whatever the fucking miracle you are.”
“Wait a second. WHAT?”
Maze realized what she’d said. She’d dropped a bomb before she’d even begun to wrap up the clutter from the last explosion. “That’s something I can tell you about five explosions later, but first I want to speak with you. And I’m guessing your head must be exploding with questions?”
It was, it truly was ready to be splattered across her walls from all that she was holding in. Talking to Maze about stuff could help her face Lucifer eventually.
“Uh, yes. Umm, I want to know everything. Don’t hold back. I want to know Lucifer.”
“Better late than never. So, I’ll humanize this as much as possible so…” She nodded and urged her to start with it.
“So, Lucifer was originally an angel in heaven. An archangel, those are the powerful ones. So essentially, when Lucifer and all his jackass brothers and sisters were created, they were expected to follow God’s orders like Hitler and Nazis. No questions asked, just task completion.” Chloe listened intently, trying to picture a young Lucifer, curls hung loose, up in heaven. “Then God got bored essentially and started up with the humanity project and abandoned his kids. Most of them didn’t take it very personally but Lucifer did. He wanted to please his father while also wishing for free will. And when he granted that to you humans, Lucifer really lost his shit.” A mad young Lucifer, angrily stomping ran through her mind now.
“So that bit about rebelling against God is true?” She spoke, recalling from what she’d read on one of the websites.
Maze smirked, “Yes that part of your research is true. He led a rebellion against him, all his siblings turned against and he lost. As a result, his asshole twin Michael was ordered by God to throw him out and he did. No one stood up for him as he fell through the Lake of Fire, uhh…” she simplified automatically “it’s like a lake but only of fire and molten lava. Now since he’s immortal, he didn’t die, he just kept burning. He burnt for eons, till his skin couldn’t take anymore, till every bit of his flesh was charred enough to never resemble alabaster skin.” Maze’s voice was lost in thought as she continued.
“Then for a while, he was disgusted with hell, he kept praying to his brothers and sisters to come to get him, to help him back to heaven but obviously none of those assholes turned up. So he had to buck up, buck up and take the throne and rule the damned. I found him when he took the throne and swore allegiance, although that’s kind of insignificant now I still would cut up the planet if anyone harmed Lucifer, you included.”
Chloe gulped audibly.
“So far so good?”
She could only nod.
“Okay so he ruled hell, I was by his side. And some eons later he thought of visiting humans and mocking humans as his father’s creation by just randomly sleeping with them, corrupting them, utilizing the power of their free will which god couldn’t question obviously.”
“So, Lucifer’s been to Earth before this?”
“Oh yes, several times. But he never stayed longer than a couple of days. One, because nothing ever really intrigued him enough to stay and more importantly second, his dickshit brother would always come to drag him back to hell.”
“Wait, so let me get this, Lucifer came to earth to take a break and his brother wanted him to be thrown to hell?”
“Yes, it’s just that disgusting but no, not essentially. See, god’s good cute angels don’t question him so they were just doing their job by dragging him back to his throne. As I said, Lucifer himself didn’t stay long enough, never really wanted to.”
“So, what changed?”
“Lucifer made a deal with his brother. A deal with the devil? Yeah… So that, adding to what dick angels otherwise are, and they can’t break promises. So, Lucifer cashed out on it, gave his dad a classic fuck you, had me cut his wings off…”
“Wait, shit. Those marks on his back?” Chloe remembered how terrified he’d been when her fingers had brushed over his scars. It was true. He had cut off his wings.
“Lucifer your back…”
“Please don’t touch them.”
“No detective. Not tonight.”
“But why did he cut them off?!”
“You tell me? Cast out, thrown away like trash, abandoned, humiliated. That’s what he associates with heaven. Why would he want to keep something that reminds him of that and keeps him anchored to that place, which was the actual hell for him? Besides, he cut them off so that we could never go back. He didn’t want to leave out any way that would send take him back there.”
Chloe was in shock, disbelief, remorse, just about all the things she could and was capable of in a human’s capacity. Oh god. Fuck God. Oh, Lucifer. It took her back to what he’d said to her in the evidence room that night. The night he was scared he’d lose Maze.
“Maze is family. She’s literally all I have. When dear old dad, or a prick of a father, whichever you prefer best, banished me out of heaven, there was nobody by my side. No one. All my siblings... they watched while I fell. I perished into a burnt dreaded creature from being one of the brightest angels in heaven. I was an archangel, the Lightbringer and everyone watched me dim into a space of torment, brimstone, and fire.”
“Do you know how hard it is to find something worthy of sustenance in a whole dark void of torture and pain? Not easy. And for an eternity? It doesn’t get easy, even if you get used to it… eternal gratitude is measly in comparison…but as my best friend too.”
Hot tears fell down her cheeks as the realization sunk and clawed on her insides. It had all been true. All of every fucking thing, every single bit Lucifer had told her. He’d lain bare in front of her and she’d walked all over him.
“Do you want me to go on?” Maze asked, unsure if Chloe could hear anymore if her fear was surfacing again “I mean I know it’s scary and weird for you…”
“NO! No, it's none of that Maze. I’m not scared, how could I be so stupid. So, fucking stupid. I hurt the man who’s nothing but given me unconditional support, cared for me despite everything, guarded me against harm’s way, helped me, saved me and what did I do? I thought of him as a delusional person, laughed at his vulnerability, and eventually told him, we were just casually fucking. He’ll never forgive me.” She cried into her palms, cradling her face through the waves of flooding remorse that coursed through her.
“Chloe, I know what you feel. But I guess there’s only one way to fix this… Talk to him. He might be mad, but I’ve seen him. He’s this lost ghost of my best friend. I know you’re still important to him. You have to fix this.”
“I know, I know. I want to. I have missed him so much. Will he see me? Do you think...” She was unsure if it wasn’t already too late. If he’d want to see her, now or ever.
“You’ll have to see for yourself Decker, I can’t promise. Just, he wants to fix it as well, but I don’t know what way he chooses to this time.”
She knew there was a lot of uncertainty that loomed over their relationship going forward, none of it would come easy. But she had to do this tonight, and now. No more waiting.
Lucifer was lost in the stars. He stood in his balcony, leaning towards his side, swirling his drink in his hand.
It was quiet. It was dark. It was peaceful. But the wrong kind. This felt like heaven. Ironically not what was usually associated with it. His association with heaven was poison, alien, abandonment. Everything he escaped the celestial realms for. And nowhere he escaped to, it was turning right into a reflection of it.
He leaned forward, losing himself in the blurred traffic colors when the elevator pinged. He was in no mood to entertain anyone tonight. He didn’t want any interruption to his thoughts.
“Darling, whoever you are I suggest you walk back the way you came and enjoy Lux’s ambient surroundings to the fullest. I am not up for a performance tonight.” He said, his back still facing the glass rails.
“Lucifer… it’s me.”
It’s her. She came back. But why was she back?
He turned around to give her a cold smile. “Hello detective, surprised to find here this evening.”
He looked right at her. His eyes bore into her swollen ones. There was no scantily clad dress on her body tonight, no make-up hiding the hollowness of her eyes, no pretense on appearances at least, apparently.
He could see her fidget were her sweater sleeves, squirm under his gaze.
“Can we talk please?”
“I supposed we are talking detective.” He stood straight, unmoving. Unforgiving in his stubborn stance. “I don’t see your male company with you tonight? You’re here for some casual fucking?”
He mocked her, and he wanted to hurt her. But he stopped at that, he just couldn’t bring himself to go beyond that, he couldn’t utter anything more.
He could see she’d now dropped her gaze, struggling to keep her tears from falling on their own accord, cursing herself, standing without speaking, for the longest time.
“I am not here to chase a shadow of us Lucifer. I am here to apologize.”
“What are you here to apologize for? I’m the devil. I should be the one apologizing, isn’t it? I scared you, I could harm you, hurt you. Possibly convince you to sin. I’m evil, detective. What could you be possibly be apologizing to the devil for?” He barked a laugh, conveying his sarcastic annoyance, but still believing the bits of it.
Despite it, he felt her near him. Why wasn’t she running away?
“I’m here to apologize. I don’t know how to begin. Or everywhere from. And I know, you can’t possibly forgive me now, or if ever. But I am so sorry Lucifer.” Her breath hitched. “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean anything from that night. None of it. Please just hear me out.”
“I am. Speak.” He replied curtly.
She sniffed but continued.
“I shouldn’t have run. It was stupid. It was childish. I am sorry for how I reacted when I saw your face. It was startling to see it suddenly. Not what I saw. Not your face.” She continued. “I know your eyes turned red, they burnt, but beneath those, I have seen your eyes Lucifer. The color of your eyes won’t take away the warmth they hold. The honesty and truth they shine with.” She pled to him with her own eyes as she spoke about his. He wanted to believe her. He wanted to hold her close, yet he couldn’t bring himself to move towards her.
She took a step forward, “I didn’t mean it when I asked you about the girl’s safety. You’re possibly the only person with who I’ve felt the safest within a long while. You’ve always protected me Lucifer. You’ve protected me from my past, you’ve protected me from guns and danger, you’ve looked out for me in ways that I don’t even think I have ever thought of. I… I feel guarded in your presence Lucifer. And I’m sorry that I took away that feeling from you. I want to be the one who could give you those things back. I hate myself for the feeling that I could’ve provided you with, and instead, I robbed you of it.”
“What difference does it make detective, I’m just a casual bed buddy for you. Your words. Not mine.”
“No that’s not…” He couldn’t keep up with this. She abandoned him.
“But you LEFT. YOU, YOU, said you wouldn’t. You did. You ran away. And nothing can change that. I really thought you were different. That everything we had was real. I let myself be fooled by dad’s yet another charade of manipulation. Just walked right into it with you. Let myself be fooled in the name of affection, feelings, caring. What the fuck was I thinking?” He screamed at her, he shouted till his lungs felt parched with the force he shook with.
She couldn’t stand the distance. She couldn’t see him berate himself for something he had no fault in. She held his face in her palms and spoke to him calmly, even when she was anything but that.
“No. NO. You’re not wrong. It was never your fault. You’ve been nothing but amazing to me Lucifer. And to everyone around you. What we have is, is fucking real. Nobody makes me feel the way you do. You make me feel wanted, cherished, beautiful. Your trust in me, boosts my confidence, that I can follow my instincts without a doubt, without any second guesses. I was so fucking stupid to deny what we’ve had for so long. I was scared. Scared that I’d let myself feel more than I should, that I can’t handle committing, that somehow the attachment might hurt me and I couldn’t have anyone new in my life; in Trixie’s life, that I’m too independent to handle everything by myself and most importantly, I was afraid that I’d want… more.”
There it was. More. He’d wanted more with her as well. He’d wanted it for so long it killed him each time she had let him touch her. Every kiss was more. Every touch, more. They both wanted more.
“But you were scared of my face… you were so scared.” His eyes were warm as a child. A child who was questioning himself. His fear of abandonment surfacing.
“I was taken aback Lucifer. That’s all that it was. None of that changes the man you are. The mand who’s so kind, loving, generous, funny, smart…” she laughed as she pulled her hand away for a second to wipe her tears, bringing them back just seconds later,
“Lucifer Morningstar, you’re not evil. You are the devil, yes. But not evil. You punish them. Your father gave you that job, he was a dick. Not you, and I’m saying this loud enough for the both of us here. You are not going to harm me, I know it in my bones. You are not evil. You’re my partner. You’re the guy I want more with.”
He wanted more with her too. Could he tell her that?
He brought his hands up to her face and leaned to rest his forehead against hers. He could feel Chloe’s smile through her tears. But;
“Lucifer, I’m here. I won’t run away. I promise.”
He couldn’t give her that leverage over him anymore.