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Tales of the Five Calamities

Chapter Text

Black water, Hua Cheng’s voice sounded in his head, annoying as always. There’s an emergency .

If he could, if he wasn’t sunk in his debt, He Xuan would ignore him. Right now, he had enough dealing with the last bad idea of the wind master in the human realm. However, he took a deep and unnecessary breath and answered him.


A god had kidnapped our baby.

There were too many things wrong with that phrase and He Xuan wished to never hear it again. If he was alive, he would probably have goosebumps. 

First of all, I don’t have a baby. Secondly, Wei Wuxian is useless and stupid, but not a baby.

Wei Wuxian is our baby and some Lan Wangji god had taken him to the heavens.

Lan Wangji? Who’s that? Never heard his name before.

You’re the spy, find it. And you can always ask your lover, he added and He Xuan didn’t need to see him to know he was smirking.

Leave Shi Qingxuan out of this, he gritted his teeth.

Oh, you didn’t deny he’s your lover.

He Xuan cut the communication.



For the last centuries, Hua Cheng has had the habit to arrange monthly meetings with the rest of the calamities. While Wei Wuxian showed genuine interest, and He Xuan always complained (but in the end, he wasn’t able to escape thanks to his debt), Shen Qingqiu was the only one who ignored him.

That’s the reason why Hua Cheng decided that, if Shen Qingqiu wouldn’t come to the meetings, then the meetings will go to Shen Qingqiu.

And that’s how it started meeting number 4632 in Qing Jing Peak, the ghostly mountain that was both a home to live in peace and a secret place, far from some gods who kept looking for him.

“His name is Lan Wangji. He’s a literature god that works in Ling Wen’s palace”, He Xuan said, looking bored though the youngest was missing, maybe in danger. “He was one of Lan Qiren’s junior officials when Wei Wuxian died. Their relationship was… pretty peculiar.”

“How?” Shen Qingqiu asked, hiding his face behind his fan. He tried to look indifferent about the kidnapping and upset for the intrusion in his home, but his eyes shined with curiosity.

“Old enemies.”

Hua Cheng narrowed his eye but stayed in silence for once.

“Like Jiang Cheng, Lang Wangji is one of the gods who had been looking for Wei Wuxian these last centuries. Last night the three of them had an encounter in the bloody forest after defeating Qi Rong. Although Wei Wuxian was disguised, his half-brother suspected his identity.”

Crimson Rain shook his head, annoyed, but keeping his silence. It must be a miracle that he hasn’t started rambling yet.

“Jiang Chen tried to capture him, but Wei Wuxian...” He Xuan let out a quiet breath. “Wei Wuxian flirted with Lan Wangji and, surprisingly, it worked. Well, it worked if being abducted was his plan, but considering he doesn’t usually think, I believe he hadn’t a plan at all.” He sighed. “Anyway, it’s not a big deal. Lan Wangji is the infamous Lan Zhan he never shouts about.”

For a moment, they stood in silence. And then, Shen Qingqiu snorted while Hua Cheng clapped his hands. “I’m so proud of our baby, he’s now with his god.” 

The other two calamities looked at him offended because of the use of our baby . They weren’t in poly relationship, no thanks.

“If I ever had a baby as stupid and annoying as him, I should remember,” Shen Qingqiu hissed. “Don’t dare to say it again.” He Xuan nodded.

Hua Cheng ignored them as always. “So, what do we do now? I’m quite sure they won’t stay as enemies for too long.”

Here we go again , He Xuan thought, preparing himself for whatever bad idea Hua Cheng had. However, Shen Qingqiu hit the table with his fan. “We don't need to do anything, he’ll be fine. You said it, he’s now with his beloved Lan Zhan,” he muttered beloved as if it was a curse. “Maybe their relationship used to be strange but now...” He smirked. “You should be happy for him, your son is following your steps.”

Although the confidence in his voice, Green Leaves looked expectant at the other calamity. Black Water crossed his fingers, praying to every god he knew (even Shi Qingxuan) with the hope that Hua Cheng wouldn’t insist on going on a rescue mission to the heavens. After a long and dramatic silence, Crimson Rain smiled. “You’re right!”

Two calamities relaxed on their seats while the other stood up, rolling a couple of dices between his fingers.

And that’s how the war between the four calamities and the heavens never started.


Finally alone in his house, Shen Qingqiu fanned with a satisfied smile. “Goodbye Wei Wuxian, I hope you’ll never come back to my home. Now there are only two annoying beasts left.”



Much to Shen Qingqiu’s annoyance, Wei Wuxian came back after a while. And he wasn’t alone.

But that’s another tale.