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Never Enough

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The words ring in her ears like a broken record. The same sentence playing over and over again.

This isn't working anymore - I've met someone else.

It feels like he's sucked all the breath from her lungs and she's left gasping on her knees. Her eyes burn with the threat of tears but she refuses to let them fall, her pride preventing her from letting him see how deeply his words wound her. The rug has been completely pulled from beneath her feet and she finds herself scrambling, searching to find something to right herself on. She was raised an earthbender, strong, steady, immovable. Never in her life has she so completely failed to be so. 

Her fingers shake and her lower lip trembles as she bites down hard, the taste of blood on her tongue as she clenches her hands into fists. His grey eyes watch her, carefully gauging her reaction as if expecting her to fly off the handle completely and a small rebellious part of her wants to, wants to make him feel the intense pain deep in her chest. She won't though, because she will rise above it, as she always does. That doesn't stop her from leaving a massive crack in the courtyard as she storms past him and down to the docks, the earth trembling with every step she takes. 

Deep, heaving breaths of the salty ocean air are all that is keeping her from losing all composure as she makes the trek back home. Her apartment is dark and empty when she returns home and the realisation sets in that this is her future from now on, coming home to a lonely, empty apartment. That seems to be the straw that breaks the camel's back as the tears she'd been holding back spill down her cheeks, dripping onto the metal of her armour. Cold fingers cover her eyes as quiet sobs wrack her chest, her shoulders shaking with each heart wrenching sound torn from her lips. She hasn't cried in so long, it feels like she has broken the wall of the dam and suddenly everything is rushing out and she's drowning in the flood. Her lungs struggle for air as she sobs, her cries growing louder as she sinks deeper and deeper into the emotions filling her chest: pain, rage, betrayal, hurt, fear, loss.

She's never felt so alone in her life before, and it aches deeply inside of her.

A part of her wishes she had never met him, wishes she could have saved herself the pain that radiates sharply with every breath she takes. She thinks of his grey eyes, so cool, so calm, so unlike the warmth and love she is used to seeing in them. Was it him that changed, or her? Things certainly hadn't been perfect between them, but she always thought they would be able to work things out together, like they had always done.

It seems this time she wasn't enough.

Her heart clenches at the fact and she wonders if she will ever be enough. All everyone seems to want from her is more, more time, more effort, more work, just more, more of her. So she gives, she gives and she gives, and she gives until there is nothing left for her. But still, it is not enough, and in the end she is left alone, bereft, grasping desperately at the broken fragments she has, trying to hold herself together. 

Where is the one that is supposed to hold her and help her fill the cracks in her broken pieces?

Where is the one that takes her hand and tells her that she is still whole, that she is still beautiful, despite the fractures painting her soul?

He left.

He is in the arms of another woman.

She wonders if he knows how lost she feels without him.

She wonders if he knows that he took a piece of her heart as he left her behind. 

In the night she allows herself to be weak, to succumb to the sharp pain radiating throughout her chest. Her pillowcase is stained with tears and her dreams are filled with memories of a lifetime ago, when he chose her. In the day, she soldiers on wearing a carefully crafted mask of stoicism. If there are dark circles under her eyes and if her eyes are a little bloodshot, that is neither here nor there. 

When she sees them together for the first time her step falters just the slightest bit, breath stuttering in her chest as she bites down on her inner cheek to focus on her physical pain, and not the ache resonating deep within her. They are expecting their first child together and it leaves a bitter taste in her mouth. A part of her looks at the couple and wonders what if. 

What if that was her by his side?

What if that was her expecting a child together with him?

What if she had been enough for him?

In the end, it comes down to how much more of herself she is willing to give, to lose. 

In the end it wasn't enough.

In the end she is never enough.

Yet still, she continues to give. She gives even when he doesn't ask her to. She gives away the last piece of herself for him. It may not be what he asked for, but it is all that she has left within herself to give. She gives up her bending for him. 

As she kneels on the wet pavement, rain soaking her clothes and hair, she lets her tears fall disguised by the rain. The emptiness rings through her bones as she clenches her fists but is met with silence. There is no rumble in the earth, no vibrations calling back to her. In the end she gives everything to him, and she is left with nothing, alone and broken, not even the bond with her element left to keep her company.

In the end it is all for nothing.