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Let me love you (until you start loving yourself)

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Sometimes the earth shakes, the tremors travel from the tips of his toes and courses until it reaches the tips of his hair only it’s not an earthquake it’s just the weight of life making itself known. Xie Lian saw a kingdom crumble and become another piece of history that will be erased by the sands of time, he too has become a relic of what no longer exists, the living and breathing memory of a once bright and auspicious kingdom that had crowned him prince and named him the darling of the heavens. Sometimes that whole kingdom stands on his shoulders and casts a long and heavy shadow on his heart. Every now and then he falls apart but nowadays there’s another shadow in his heart, soft like the shadow under a tree during a long Summer afternoon, it encases his tired heart so gently and that shadow is crafted out of the purest of devotions and the sweetest of love -Hua Cheng’s love is like a balm for age old wounds even if it doesn’t heal the past.

Sometimes Xie Lian sees a boy that never grew, he still sees a child wrapped in bandages leaving flowers in temples, echoing whispers said in secrets in the crevices of a closed space that only Xie Lian can hear, even now, in the short space between them Hua Cheng whispers affection and weaves sweet nothings that are far sweeter than anything he’s ever tasted.

A single eye, as dark as night, almost makes Xie Lian see what Hua Cheng sees even if just for a moment. A prince, a God, a beloved. Prayers spoken in silence, wishes made on candles rather than on stars, words of love tucked against the delicate lines of a drawing or against the sharp edges that are a silence so loud that it echoes each time Xie Lian sees them. A treasure far more precious than anything else in all the realms.

That boy, that brave soldier, that loyal believer and follower leaves promises in the space between them each time they meet and each time they part. A promise of strength, of belief, of love. Hua Cheng sings in words of love and praise, all tender vowels, and gentle undertones, he promises the skies and forever and Xie Lian thinks he’s never felt more holy than in the circle of the menace that makes even Heaven tremble at the sound of his name.

You will be remembered eternally, is whispered against his hair because for as long as Hua Cheng is here, Xie Lian is eternal and never forgotten. So, will you, he says back without hesitation.

Sometimes he falls apart, it’s a great weight for the higher one climbs the greater their fall will be, Xie Lian fell a great height and collided in the most violent of ways into a place in which he was scorned and stretched thin until only a weary shadow remained. But he’s tasted sunshine, he’s felt the warmth of love and the softness of friendship, Hua Cheng has given him the best treasures in the world. It’s the laughter ringing in the night, smiles exchanged under the sun, a shared look that speaks in loud volume with either deep love or fleeting passion that’s tucked away to be revisited when their alone, it’s when they touch, and sparks collide with their bones and make a home out of their hearts.

There’s a shadow in his heart made out of his mistakes and regrets and a much softer one that a small boy once offered him once when the whole world had loved him and again when the whole world had abandoned him. When the earth shakes beneath his feet and when the weight of a kingdom gone settles on his shoulders and Xie Lian feels himself fall apart, gentle hands gather him back together, it’s with promises of love that his heart is put back together and it’s with promises of laughter that he looks forward for another day because it means it will be another day spent with his husband.

Maybe, one day, Xie Lian will like himself a fraction of what Hua Cheng loves him.

 

-

 

Sometimes the world is a dark place, it blinds him of sight, it makes shadows take forms of jeering people with violent sharp smiles and fingers that reach out to tear his skin apart. Sometimes his memories overwrite the world around him.  A monster that roams the world, clinging to a single ray of golden light, mocked, and sneered at for loving someone impossible to reach. Sometimes Hua Cheng falls apart under the weight of the impossibility. There’s a shadow of doubt squishing his dead heart, even now, and then there’s a shadow  in his heart soft like the shadow under a tree during a long Summer afternoon, it encases his tired heart so gently and that shadow is crafted out of the purest kind of love that smooths out his sharp edges until it's a bit easier to breathe -Xie Lian's love is healing and the right remedy for age long sorrows even if it doesn't heal the past

Sometimes, Hua Cheng sees a prince bathed in golden light that proclaims he wishes to save the common people and then he sees a God among Gods with a gentle smile and a hand that’s ever kind. Hua Cheng sees his savior and the love of his life each time he looks at Xie Lian and the sight is enough to sooth his aching heart and soul.

A pair of golden brown eyes almost make Hua Cheng see himself as Xie Lian does even if just for a moment. A persistent child, a brave soldier, a loyal follower, a cherished beloved. The God weaves words of kindness that are tucked against his heart, tucked into his bones, a blessing that’s warmer than any fire and more precious than any treasure he might own, his voice carries a symphony of adoration and tenderness painted words. Hua Cheng think he’s never been more loved than in the circle of the God who choose his kingdom over Heaven.

You will be remembered eternally, he whispers against his hair because for as long as he exists Xie Lian will be eternal and never forgotten. So, will you, is said back without hesitation.

Sometimes he falls apart under the weight of past failures, under the weight of sneers and knife sharp words, stretched thin and burning with an inferno of rage and pain. But he’s tasted sunshine, he’s felt the warmth of love and the softness of friendship, Xie Lian has given him the best treasures in the world. It’s the laughter ringing in the night, smiles exchanged under the sun, a shared look that speaks in loud volume with either deep love or fleeting passion that’s tucked away to be revisited when their alone, it’s when they touch, and sparks collide with their bones and make a home out of their hearts.

There’s a shadow on his heart crafted out of his failures and carved deep by the sight of his beloved suffering the worst of pains and despair right before his eyes and a much softer one made out of the trust and love his God had offered him even when the whole world wished him dead. When the world grows dark and his body heavy with his failures and shortcomings and when Hua Cheng feels himself fall apart, gentle hands gather him back together, it’s with promises of love that his heart is put back together and it’s with promises of laughter that he looks forward for another day because it means it will be another day spent with his husband.

Maybe, one day, Hua Cheng will like himself a fraction of what Xie Lian loves him.