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Something to Remember

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1959:

 

She closed the door with barely no effort, leaving sister Mary’s office. Her feet started to move somehow, by their own accord. She walked through those corridors that felt grey and cold, her feet stomping, making her feel that every footstep was louder and louder as she continued.    

Her body was numb, her mind was confused, her world was crushed and it just took a second for that to happen. She just wanted to get out of here, to disappear. 

She turned around the corner, heading towards her bedroom, her head hanging low. Thank god her friends weren’t there. She hoped she wasn’t ther-

“Katya!” Suddenly a desperate voice called her. She knew it was Trixie, she was approached by her, who seemed to be waiting for her outside of their room. Katya avoided looking at her, she was pissed, and that was a gentle way of explaining how she really felt. The Midwestern tried to stop her, grabbing her left arm.

“Leave me alone,” she said with barely any energy in her voice, but Trixie didn’t listen. 

“Kat, listen to me...I swear it wasn’t my intention to say that. I was just nervous and I couldn't stop it…” The Russian stopped on her tracks and dared to gaze at her with anger. Trixie was crying, but she didn’t care at this point. She was fucked. 

“Of all the things that you could have said, that’s what you came up with?! Instead of making an excuse, you threw me under the fire?!” She was raising her voice, and her chest was moving so fast from her irregular breathing. 

The girl with the brown eyes was shaking, and she looked a mess. “I know, I know, I’m so sorry Kat…”

“I don’t need you to be sorry, thanks to all of this I’m getting expelled!” The girl in front of her had her eyes widen in surprise, it seemed that she didn’t expect that. 

“What?! No, Kat, no, no, no… You can’t leave me!” Her voice cracked as she cried even more, almost hysterically. 

“Yekaterina!” Suddenly, sister Mary appeared, her face red from anger, scaring both girls. “I told you that you should pack your stuff, you parents are coming to pick you up!”

“Yes, sister Mary,” she responded with a defeated tone in her voice. Trixie’s eyes were on her, she could feel her intense gaze.

As she was about to move again, the Midwestern grabbed her by the wrist. “Wait… Kat-”

“Beatrice! What are you doing? Come here, we have to talk!” The Principal demanded with her severe tone again.

She freed herself from Trixie’s grip, yanking her arm away from her. “Stop calling me Kat. Don’t ever talk to me again,” she almost shouted at her. It was barely less than a second but when she met her eyes, her gaze said it all. Both of their hearts were breaking and she wanted her to know how it felt, how much it hurt what she did to her. Trixie Mattel you gave me heaven but you also made me taste hell. 

“Beatrice!” The nun shouted this time, and the girl jumped in front of her. She headed towards her room, giving her back to her. Closing the door with force behind her: boom.

 

1966

 

A loud gasp filled the silence of the room. She felt that she was drowning, there was no air in her lungs. Katya sits up on the bed with a big shock. 

It was just a dream, an ugly nightmare. She laid her hand on her chest, feeling her heart rate. That was a relief, she was in her apartment, in her bed. She wasn’t eighteen anymore, she was an adult. She was twenty-five now. Thank god. 

After she took a couple of minutes to calm down, her body left the mattress just to look for a glass of water. That would certainly help with her sudden nervousness. She gulped it fast and went back to her bed, since it was four o’clock in the morning. 

She accommodated herself under the covers and closed her eyes, trying to sleep again. When her head hit the pillow a name was resonating in her mind: Trixie, Trixie, Trixie . Her eyes opened wide again. Fuck. She was avoiding thinking about that dream. It felt so real that she almost believed for a second that she was in high school again. Of all the memories that her brain could have brought back, it had to choose the last time that she saw Trixie. Well, Beatrice. 

It was incredible how clearly she saw her honey eyes that were watery and almost red from all the crying in that awful afternoon. Her golden hair, her delicate nose, her full and rosy lips stuttering… Pleading her again and again. It was almost like looking at her face once again. She hadn't dreamed or thought about her in a long time, maybe years. But tonight Katya saw her like she was right next to her, she could almost feel her if she wanted to. She visibly swallowed and the skin on her arms had goosebumps.  This was a waste of time. It was so long ago, she never heard about her again and it was just a ghost from the past. Yes, a ghost that was here to terrorize her in her sleep. Trixie was a bad memory, probably the worst one for her. She represented the hardest storm that she ever had to deal with. 

She tossed and turned on her bed, annoyed and snarling like an old man. She had to wake up early for work and the reason behind her restless night was her , it irked Katya.

She had become an art teacher at a public school in Chicago, and had decided to stay in the city after college. Lucky for her, she had found a position teaching kids in elementary school. She had started with the kids of fourth and fifth grade. 

After hours of insomnia, the alarm of her clock blasted the familiar sound. She turned it off with laziness in her movements. She was already starting the day awfully with barely any energy, and that was not something that she could lack when she had to work with kids. She needed coffee right now, a lot of coffee.

The morning was pretty cold, fall was starting sooner than expected, she thought to herself as she walked half sleep to the school. Last night had rained, and the wind was making her shiver, cursing at herself for not wearing a coat that was warm enough for today. 

Somehow she found the energy that she needed to start her classes. Maybe the kids helped in that, and they always made the morning shorter for her. Years ago she would have bet that working with kids would be the worst thing ever, since it wasn’t her forte, but it was a surprise for her when she discovered that wasn’t the case. She actually enjoyed it after all.

As always, the morning went by fast, and when she least expected it, she was eating lunch with the other teachers at the cafeteria. Even though most of them were nice, she couldn’t relate to them at all. All of them were married, obviously straight, and some with children. Katya stood out from all of them, not only thanks to her clothes, but her way of thinking, her taste in music, and her love for art. Everyone always asked if she had a boyfriend, or if she wanted one and she had always to stop herself from giggling at it, and giving them a standard reply instead of saying that only girls were in her heart.

But, she was alone for now. She didn’t have a girlfriend, not that it was easy to find one in these times but, she didn’t want one either. Love wasn’t something for her, as a matter of fact she believed that it didn’t exist. It was an invention, filled with the desire of having someone and it could blind you at first, but it never lasted forever as they always advertised in the movies and books. Falling in love was a waste of time, having a relationship was a waste of time, being married was a waste of time. 

Love was cruel and deceiving, it could tear you apart as easily as ‘falling in love’, so she wasn’t interested in having someone by her side. Of course she wasn’t completely alone, from time to time she had her nights of ‘fun’ with beautiful women, filled with lust and nothing else. No attachments. They would always leave the next day and she would find another one to spend the night with.          

When she was young, she used to think very differently. She believed in love, and she wished to find the ‘love of her life’ someday. Her soulmate. But soon reality gave her a slap in the face and made her realize that life is not like that, like a fairy tale where everyone got their happy ending. 

 

1959

 

Ladies, we should recall the subjects that we had last year before we’ll start with new content… ” Sister Cecilia initiated her math class. Katya was already out of it, her mind was anywhere else than here. She despised maths, it was definitely not her forte. Her gaze was fixed on her pencil case, thinking about anything and nothing at the same time.

Another year of school had just started, it was the first day of her last year in this Catholic boarding school. Woodlands Academy of the Sacred Heart was an interesting place, she could say so. Sometimes it was tolerable, thanks to her friends; other times it was annoyingly boring. It simply didn't help that she was seen as the ‘rebel girl’ in the school by her teachers, the nuns and even her family. If being a rebel for using her skirt a little bit higher than the rest of the student body, if painting her nails with red nailpolish and discussing the tribulations about catholicism with Sister Magdalene was considered being a ‘bad girl’, then she was. 

There was something else about her that could be considered scandalous and it was a ‘holy’ secret for her and that no one knew: she loved girls. It was funny when her parents thought that sending her to this institution would ‘correct’ her from her ‘bad behavior’ - which consisted in her fighting with boys every time they made comments about her body - at her old school. In some ways, she was glad to be in all-girls school, and she didn't have to deal with pretentious guys like in the past. 

Although it was unfortunate that she didn’t have a roommate in her dormitory, even though she liked the moments that she had to be on her own. It definitely made her stay in this institution even more monotonous. From time to time she would tell herself that it was better to be alone than sharing a bedroom with goodie-two shoes that could annoy her to the core. Not only that, but when she visited her friends, the nuns could be a little bit strict with them and not let them hang out at all in their dormitories. So yeah, that sucked.

Speaking of, her group of friends consisted of Violet, the bratty and bitchy girl who was never caught in her antics and liked to gossip a lot; Bianca, who was so blatant and could tear you down in seconds - she liked to say that the both of them were the funny ones in their group -; Adore, who was one of the laziest people that she had ever met, but she was pretty cool and popular in the school. Nevertheless, she and her friends had fun at times, sneaking out, smoking - mostly her - and sharing teen magazines, which the nuns hated to see catch them reading in class. Still, most of the time, she was the one who got caught and that's how she got that fame. She, out of all her friends,  was probably doing the worst job at being stealthy. 

Suddenly, a knock on the door of the classroom caught her attention and took her out of her trance. It was Sister Mary that interrupted their lecture. She was in charge and the principal of the school. 

“Good morning ladies! Sorry sister Cecilia for interrupting your class, but we have a new student that's going to join us. Come in Beatrice, don't be shy…” Quickly she glanced at her right to Violet and she had a curious look as well. Usually, having a new classmate was the most interesting thing that could happen in their boring daily life.

Then, the new student entered the room and her mind went blank for a second. It was like Jayne Mansfield just entered the classroom and her heart started to palpitate at an incredible speed. 

The beautiful morning light that the sun cast on the room was shining on her skin as the girl stood nervously in front of her classmates and beside Sister Cecilia. She was a little bit taller than the nun. The blue navy uniform fit her perfectly and it didn’t even hide her curvaceous body. 

“Hi, my name is Beatrice Mattel.” That was the only thing that the girl dared to say, clearly intimidated at the situation. So, Sister Mary continued for her. 

“She’s from Wisconsin and she is going to share this last year with you girls. I hope that you'll be kind to Beatrice and show some hospitality.” As always, the entire class said ‘Yes, Sister Mary’. When she thought that the older nun was about to go, she suddenly called her name. 

“Katya,” in the blink of an eye, everyone was looking at her and she was stunned. “After class I want to see you in my office”. She was blushing now in shame, mortified. ‘ What did I do now ?’, she thought to herself. 

“Yes, Sister Mary,” she automatically confirmed. The woman nodded and left the room. Quickly, the silence creeped in the class, until sister Cecilia talked again to the new girl that was standing awkwardly in front of the room. 

“Beatrice, you can sit over there, next to Katya.” The girl shyly nodded and the Russian felt nervous again. ‘ She's going to sit beside me, she's going to sit beside me ’, her mind repeated over and over. She was trying not to freak out over her, but this perfect girl was coming towards her and she couldn't help but watch her perfect brown eyes. For a few seconds their gaze met, so she looked down feeling so flustered. 

When Beatrice sat down and started to make herself comfortable in her individual seat, Katya was tempted to watch her from time to time. The new classmate was probably the most girly and femenine young woman that she had ever seen. From her perfectly styled hair, to her small accessories, even her bag and her pencil case had the same color: pink. The Russian was so fascinated that she could watch her for hours. 

Forget Jayne Mansfield, the actress had nothing on her. Beatrice had beautiful golden blonde hair, long feathery eyelashes, plump rosy lips, adorable cheeks that she wanted to touch so badly and those beautiful light brown eyes that had her over the moon. 

“Hi,” she timidly said to Katya. All of the sudden she realized how much she had been watching her like a creep. The girl had caught her staring at her and she had to say something. The Russian was blushing again from embarrassment. 

“Hi , my name is Katya,” she whispered, so the nun wouldn't hear them. 

“I know…” A sly smile was on the Midwestern’s face. 

“Quiet ladies!” The Russian was startled by their teacher, so she quickly had her eyes on her paper. She wished to have her gaze on somewhere else… Or someone else. 

 

***

 

When the class ended and Sister Cecilia had long gone, her friends quickly approached her.

“What the hell was that?” Violet asked, as intrigued as the other ones. 

“Yeah what did you do now?” Adore continued. Now that the gossip had started, she was fully awake and with energy when it came down to this. 

“I don’t know, I was as surprised as you girls…” She commented, a little bit anxious now at the prospect of being reprimanded. Involuntarily, her eyes searched for the new blonde. She was now talking to Kim. She wished that she could approach her and try to get to know her but now she had to leave. 

“Let’s go girls, we should let her go and talk to that old skeleton,” Bianca joked and she stood up, gathering quickly her stuff.

A few minutes later she was outside the nun’s office and she knocked. She heard a ‘Come in’ from the elder woman. She entered the room and stood beside the door.

“Hi Katya, come sit. I’m not going to take that much time from you…” The girl nodded, obeying what Sister Mary commanded. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to lecture you about anything.”

“Okay…” With that she was so relieved, but she was so curious still.

“I want to talk to you about your new classmate, Beatrice.” Once again, she nodded, now more interested to know what this conversation was going to be about. “She’s going to be your roommate.” 

“What?!” Involuntarily she asked, raising her voice in incredulity and shock. 

“Is that a problem, young lady?!” The nun asked with the same tone and she quickly deflated, as she realized how she reacted in the wrong way.

“No, no. Sorry Sister Mary.” 

That seemed to calm down the older woman. “Not only is she going to be your roommate, but you’re going to help her to install herself in this institution. I think you’re going to benefit from her, she’s a great student and good influence for you. So I expect from you to make her feel at home. Did I make myself clear?”

“Yes, Sister Mary,” she automatically answered.

“You could start with a little tour and showing her around the school.” 

“Okay, I’ll do that.”

“You’re dismissed, Miss Zamolodchikova.” She nodded, and left the room.



1966

 

“Don’t tell me Mrs. Anderson is coming…” Trixie sighed, sipping her cup of coffee afterwards. Jaida was in front of her, giggling at her misery.

“Well, yes. But it’s only a haircut, don’t worry…” Her boss assured her. They had just opened the salon for the day, and they were tasting the first morning coffee together before they would get super busy with clients.

Trixie had been working at Jaida’s salon since she came to Chicago a year ago. The kind woman had given her a job right in the moment that she most needed it, it was like she had a new opportunity in her life. 

She was so glad that the woman who came from Milwaukee didn’t exist anymore. A woman that was escaping, living a lie and trapped. After high school, she thought that things couldn't get any worse but luck was not by her side. Her plans soon had failed in the most painful way. Her family couldn't afford her education in a university, so she had to go back to her home.

In a matter of a few days, her biggest fears came true and it was not fun, to say the least. Not only she had to process the loss of her first love, and the idea of maybe not seeing her ever again, but she had to go back to the tyranny of living under her mother’s roof. Maybe this was her punishment, maybe this was what she deserved.

As the months passed, she got even more desperate for her situation, the money that she earned in the local grocery store - as a cashier - wasn’t enough for going away. 

In the middle of all of this craziness, Matthew appeared. A few years older than her and from a wealthy family, he promised to Trixie the moon and the stars, to give her everything that she had ever wanted. When she was in that position, she didn’t think about it properly, but she was desperate, so she started dating him. 

Obviously it didn’t work out, at all. She had forced herself to have a relationship with a man that was a waste of time, and she only realized that later. Way later.       

She had to stop that miserable life and get out from there. She planned everything, saved every penny, bought a bus ticket to Chicago and disappeared from Milwaukee; if it was possible, forever.

Thankfully she was getting her life back together now. Working with Jaida was lovely and the salon was growing, since it was getting more popular lately.   

Her boss was awesome. Not only had she employed her, but she also had offered her to stay at her apartment, so they shared the rent. Eventually they got closer and now she could definitely call her a friend. 

That morning had started just like any other one. Even though Trixie loved to chat with the clients, sometimes she got so focused on her job that she didn’t notice the woman that had entered moments ago. After she finished a hairdo for a new client, she gazed at who had just come into the salon.

A blonde woman was talking to Jaida. She was smaller than Trixie and even though she had her back turned to the Midwesterner, she had a familiar look. Blonde wavy hair that reached her waist, a slim body… She froze on her spot. Could it possibly be?

Then, the woman turned around and she felt like she could breathe again. It wasn’t her. It wasn’t… It wasn’t Katya. She continued her work for the rest of the morning with that name in her head.

Her mind was filled with memories that, all of the sudden, made her reminisce about her times in her last year of high school, but most importantly: her roommate. The person that she never forgot in all of those years. After all, she was her first love.

 

She wished she hadn’t lost her.  

 

1959



Trixie was sitting in that leather chair, listening to Sister Mary praise her qualifications from her previous high school. Being in that office was kind of weird, she felt that those figures of saints and angels were watching her wherever she went.

“We’re really happy to have you here in our institution. I know you are going to feel right at home here and I hope that the other students are solidary with you.” The Midwestern was happy to be there as well. She hoped that this place was going to be more serene than her household. Her mother and her stepfather were getting rid of her, and for once she was glad with the result of it. Totally alone, in a nice school that was all girls.

A little bit of more freedom for her was welcomed, and she was having a fresh start. She also hoped to make a lot of friends. 

Suddenly, her thoughts were interrupted by the nun. “But there’s a task that I’m going to assign to you.”

“What’s that, Sister Mary?” She asked with interest and curiosity. The older woman seemed to like her already. Trixie just wanted to be on her good side if she had just started in this school, just like she did in her previous one. 

“Your roommate, she's going to be your task. She’s kinda… Deviant.” The older woman must have read her confused gaze and immediately she continued. “Her name is Katya, she’s always getting in trouble and her grades are not the best. I know you can be a good influence on her, and maybe you can help each other.” Trixie immediately felt intrigued about why she had such a bad reputation, and who was this ‘rebel’ girl. She hoped that she wouldn’t be mean or make her stay at the school awful. Trouble wasn’t something that she wanted right now.

“I’ll try to help her as much as I can,” she replied what the other woman wanted to hear. 

“That’s great to know, I’m gonna make sure she helps you to get settled and gives you a little tour around the school, okay?” She nodded with a kind smile. After that, she was escorted by the principal to the classroom and to her first class of the morning. Before entering and being introduced to the whole room, she felt very anxious.

“Hi, my name is Beatrice Mattel.” She felt to dumb for saying her real name. She hated the name that her mom gave her, it sounded like an old lady. Trixie had style and tried to be nice, but for now, everyone seemed kind and quiet, no one found her funny.

“She’s from Wisconsin and is going to share this last year with you girls...” She had introduced her better, and she wouldn't dare to say anything else. But suddenly, she heard a Katya being said by the older woman. Her shy demeanor was left aside, just to dare and look at her future roommate. 

She looked like a deer that was alert, her bright blue eyes were open wide in surprise. Platinum blonde and wavy hair that reached above her breasts, her pink lips parted… Just pretty. Very pretty. She even looked innocent. How is this the bad girl ? The principal told her that she had to see her in the office and she left, she guessed the reason was telling her the news about her new roommate.     

That’s when the math teacher said “Beatrice, you can sit over there, next to Katya.” Indeed it was the only spot that was free. Maybe she was intimidating and people didn’t want to sit next to her. 

Timidly, she approached her seat and started to get comfortable in it, taking out what she needed from her backpack. As she did this, she felt that the other girl was looking at her, and when she checked, she was right. The girl with the blue eyes was observing her quietly, and Trixie didn’t know what to do but say a shy ‘hi’. That seemed to surprise the other girl, who maybe didn’t realize that she was staring at her so much.   

“Hi, my name is Katya,” she finally muttered. The Midwestern could have sworn that she had never seen eyes as beautiful as these. They had residue of eyeliner from yesterday, she guessed. Probably the nuns didn’t let her wear any makeup, but even if it was a bit smeared, she was so surprised at how perfect she looked. But her gaze, demeanor and approach didn’t seem of a person that wanted to create conflict. She seemed interested to get to know Trixie, and that made her feel more comfortable. 

“I know,” Trixie said with a sly smile before sister Cecilia told them to stay quiet. 

At the end of the school day, Trixie waited for Katya outside of her last class, ready for the tour that Sister Mary had mentioned. She had gotten lost enough times already and was willing to accept all the help she could get, and of course getting to spend time and learning more about her new roommate was a big plus. 

Even though the nuns had asked her to help Katya straighten her path, she couldn’t really picture that sweet looking blonde getting in much trouble. What was a little eyeliner anyways? Satan’s calling probably if you asked Sister Mary. 

“I was named the ambassador of this school so I’m going to show you around,” Katya said when she saw Trixie standing outside her class, making the taller girl smile “Ready?”

“Yeah, let’s go” She said as she followed Katya’s lead. 

Trixie tried to pay attention to every turn the other girl was making, trying to take mental notes so as not to get lost again. Katya stood in front of a door, which had a sign with the girl's name, it looked nice, maybe she could even make one with her own name and put it up as well, or even a new one with both names on it ‘Trixie and Katya’s room’, throw some pink on it, even. However Trixie’s excitement fell as soon as the smaller girl opened the door. The room was full of clothes everywhere, even the unmade bed she assumed was now hers.

“Sorry about the mess, I didn’t know I was getting a new roommate. I promise I’ll clean up as soon as I can,” Katya said, rushing inside the room trying to pick up the clothes from Trixie’s bed and carrying them to her side of the room “But first, the tour! Follow me, I’ll show you every little corner of this old place” 

Before Trixie could say anything Katya was already walking, so she picked up the pace. She didn’t have to spend a lot of time with her to know her roommate’s mind worked quickly, she liked that. Katya walked her around showing her the different classrooms, and Trixie almost let out a squeal of excitement when she saw the music room. This seemed to catch the other girl’s attention.

“Do you play any instruments?” Katya asked, seeming intrigued and Trixie nodded “Which one?”

“Guess,” she replied playfully with a big smile.

“A banjo!” Katya joked. If her roommate was always funny and playful, then that gave extra points to this place.

“Noooo,” she replied in a whiny tone.

“Give me a hint, wind? Strings maybe?” 

“Strings,” Trixie said, enjoying this little game “Come on, it’s not hard, think”

Katya thought about it for a moment before hesitantly asking “A guitar?”

“Yes!” Trixie said jumping a little bit in excitement “I’ve been playing since I was fifteen, should’ve listened to my grandpa and started sooner, I was missing out.”

“That’s pretty cool, I barely play the triangle and I’m bad at it. So you can imagine…”

“So, if you don’t play any instruments, what’s your thing then? Any hobbies?”

“Yes,” she replied with no further explanation.

“Care to elaborate?” Trixie asked laughing, but Katya just shook her head.

“It’s your turn to guess,” she pointed out with a sly smile.

“Not fair!” Trixie complained, sounding a lot more bratty than intended. “You had to guess an instrument, not a whole hobbie!”

“Tough luck,” she responded, grin still on her face.

“Ok, ok, do you dance? You seem very athletic.” 

“Close, but not really.”

“At least give me a hint,” Trixie complained, rolling her eyes. Her bratiness was showing through. 

“Fine, it’s a sport,” Katya said with a smile still plastered on her face.

‘This is not as fun when you are the one guessing’ Trixie thought to herself as she went through a list of every sport she knew in her head, but it was pointless. A sport similar to dance, but it’s not dance? 

“Oooh, is it the sport with the ribbons and the dancing? I don’t really remember the name,” she said excited, thinking it had to be it.

“Rhythmic gymnastics? If someone from the FIG could hear you they would be scandalized that you even consider it a sport,” her roommate laughed. “Anyways, you’re close, but not quite”

“Not quite? What sport..? Oh, is it like regular gymnastics?”

“And we have a winner ladies and gentlemen,” Katya replied. “If you think I’m athletic now, you should wait until you see me in a leotard,” she joked confidently and Trixie’s eyes roamed to her roommates legs and made her way back up, but she was quick to move on with the conversation. Surely, they looked... Nice.

“Have you been doing gymnastics for long?” Trixie asked as she followed her roommate out of the music room.

“Officially since I was ten,” Katya explained as she guided her new roommate through the school hallways. “But I’ve been doing cartwheels and driving my mother crazy with worry that I’m going to get hurt ever since I can remember.”

“Hey Katya!” Both girls raised their head to see who was calling. Trixie spotted a group of girls sitting on the courtyard as one of them waved to catch their attention.

Katya motioned for Trixie to follow her and walked towards the group, suddenly the Midwestener felt very observed.

“Hello, good evening everyone” Katya said sitting down next to one of the girls and patting the grass next to her for Trixie to sit “These rotted ladies are Violet, Bianca and Adore,” she explained, pointing to each one of them as she said their names. “And this right here is the newbie, Beatrice.”

“Oh, just call me Trixie,” she replied with a big smile.

“Well Trixie, welcome to hell girl,” Bianca joked, making all the girls laugh.

“Don’t scare the poor girl on her first day B!” The shortest girl reprimanded her “Plus, what would Sister Mary say if she heard you?”

“That I’m Satan’s best friend,” she quickly replied, making everyone laugh again.

“She wouldn’t be wrong, would she?” Violet retorted and turned towards Trixie “Don’t let her fool you, she’s not Satan’s friend, she’s his daughter.”

“What can I say? I’m just making daddy proud,” Bianca said in a mocking tone.

“She’s just mocking one of our classmates, you’ll get it when you meet her,” Katya whispered to Trixie who seemed pretty lost in the conversation.

The taller girl just mouthed a thanks as she made a mental note on that, and went back to pay attention to the conversation, not without giving Katya a thankful smile.



1966

 

Katya almost forgot that she and Bianca were meeting at her apartment. It seemed that today she wasn’t functioning well enough. She was getting distracted every ten minutes and she knew well why that was. 

That nightmare had affected her, and she didn’t want to admit it. She felt off and weird, like something was bothering her deep inside of her, like it had left a bitter aftertaste, and the source of it had a name and last name. A name that she was avoiding pronouncing and thinking about, but, obviously, after last night, that was impossible. 

On her way home, after work, she decided on going to a store and buying some drinks for tonight. Even the way she was walking on the sidewalk, had a slight desperate way in it, like she was escaping from something. Maybe from her thoughts, maybe the past, maybe the fact that she hasn’t let go of the old problems. She had a feeling that something was unresolved, that there was something left unsaid… That something was missing. 

Fuck, when is this thing going to leave me alone? , she asked herself. She decided to look up and get distracted with other things on her way: doing some window shopping, maybe finding a new interesting café to visit some time, or looking at beautiful women on her way. And goddamn, Chicago had so many pretty ladies.

Of course she was demure and sutil with her gaze, she could tell right away - well most of the time - who was interested and who wasn’t. She wasn’t going to lie, it wasn’t easy. Everything was defined by the gaze, like it was  a code. When their eyes meet for more than the normal seconds, holding their gaze and plus a smile, she had to talk to her. That’s how it was done.      

A girl with ginger hair was coming towards her, she looked hot, but she was chatting with a friend, it seemed. Their gaze never met. Dang it

When her eyes were fixing ahead of her again, after that girl passed by, she saw another one right in front of her: big blonde hair, with a pink hairband on her head, pink lipstick and blue eyeshadow. She’s… She’s… A doll. A pretty doll. When their eyes met, she froze in the spot, like she had just seen a ghost. 

 

T-Trixie...Trixie...Trixie. 

 

No, it can’t be , she thought to herself. She felt like all the color on her face disappeared, and her heart was beating so fast that she could even hear it. It was a trick of the light, she convinced herself but… There was that doubt and curiosity that made her want to turn around and check right after she passed by. And she did.

She turned slowly, with the fear of finding something behind her, ready to scare her. It seemed that the other woman had the same idea because she had turned around as well. Her eyes on hers. Both of them holding their gaze intensely. She looked as shocked as her, her mouth slightly open, dumbstruck. Katya felt like she was going to pass out at any time.

 

T-This can’t be real . Beatrice? Trixie?

 

Chapter Text

1959

 

It was just a matter of days for them to get close as friends and become the annoying duo. Going to classes with Katya by her side was hilarious. In fact, on the second day, she introduced her every teacher in the school in a funny way: 

“That’s our English teacher, Sister Margaret. She’s older than Jesus himself, no doubt about it. Oh, and that's Sister Magdalene, our Theology teacher. We don’t get along that well because I like to discuss religion and you know how that goes. You shouldn't question our god, Yekaterina, ” The Russian girl had imitated the woman’s voice in an exaggerated tone. Trixie giggled, gazing at her with fascination at how she expressed herself. “It’s not my fault our god contradicts himself sometimes.”

“I don’t know how you are brave enough to say anything,” Trixie admits. “If Sister Magdalene is anything like Sister Mary I would be terrified.”

“They are all scary looking at first, but nothing you can’t handle,” Katya explained “Well, everyone except coach Taylor, she’s the only teacher that doesn’t make me want to die before class. And she’s a gym teacher so that’s saying something.”

“I have the feeling you only like her because you are a gymnast,” Trixie pointed out laughing.

“Yeah, that and the fact that she’s not a nun. I don’t think she’s even catholic, which is refreshing in a place like this.”

“Too much catholicism in your catholic school?” Trixie said laughing

“How much catholicism is too much? Any amount for me,” Katya joked, making Trixie shake her head as she tried to hold a laugh as Sister Encarnacion entered the classroom starting the Spanish class.

Katya always seemed proud of making her laugh, searching for any opportunity to crack up a joke and Trixie loved it, she felt at home right away. In fact, she was so glad that her roommate was her, because after a couple of days she immediately noticed that Katya was completely different from what Sister Mary had told her. Honestly, she thought that the woman had described another person.

Katya was considerate to the new girl, explaining everything with patience, helping her at Spanish classes - which it was the only subject that Trixie had issues with -, infecting her with a happy energy every day and, being just simply… Awesome .

Even though she had made other friends - like Kim - and, had started to join Katya’s group of friends, it wasn’t the same for her. Being with the ‘rebel’ girl was a unique experience. She had never had a friend like her, at all. There was something about her that was intriguing, fun, chaotic and full of surprises. 

Her roommate loved to make edgy jokes about things that wouldn't be accepted normally; and Trixie secretly liked to make them as well. Now she had found someone who could hear them and laugh with her.  Sharing the same sense of humor made her draw in more close to her. 

Before she came to this school, every single friend of hers said that going to that kind of institution was awful and strict. The latter was kinda true, but she didn’t mind it. Actually, she was having fun, meeting new people, getting new books to read - she loved the library, it was immense -, chatting about anything and everything with Katya. 

The first time they had a deep conversation was during the second week of Trixie being there. It was unforgettable. They were in their room, already in their big and long pajamas that were mandatory - and ugly - to be worn at the school. Sometimes she thought that they looked like ghosts when they wore them. Katya sat next to her in her bed and they started to get to know each other a little bit more. 

“Why did your parents send you to this school?” The Midwestern couldn't help herself from asking that. There were a lot of things about Katya that were an enigma and one of them was her family. She wanted to know more about her, besides having a russian heritage. 

“Well, my mom and dad are really busy with work. My dad owns a small chain of supermarkets and my mother helps him, so as you can guess, I always had everything but their attention in these last years.”

“Oh…” Trixie’s mouth opened in a round ‘O’, nodding in understanding even though her reality was different to her friend’s. 

“Yeah, I started to go out more, I used to wear clothes that were different to the other girls: all black leather and jeans. I started smoking… And, well, they obviously didn't like anything about that. They thought it was too much, that their cute and adorable daughter was too masculine and rebellious. The last straw was me fighting with some boys at the school…”

“Wow, really? Why was that?” It was really weird to picture the other blonde in those situations, she didn’t seem like a violent person at all. She was probably trying to defend herself, and quickly, Trixie confirmed that.

“Well, they were talking about my body in a way that I found disgusting. I still don’t like when guys look at me in a… Perverted way.”     

“Oh amen to that, I suffered with that for a long time. Since puberty started, it has been so annoying… But tell me, was it too bad? I mean the fight”

“Not really, but you know… ’ How could a lady like you punch boys ?’, my dad told me, and I was rolling my eyes at him. So they thought I was going too far with my ‘attitude’,” the girl made the imaginary quotation marks with her fingers. 

“That sucks, Katya.” Again that misconception against the blonde girl. It seemed that her parents didn’t spend enough time with their daughter to discover who Katya really was. 

“Yeah, but whatever. I’m so used to it at this point, I just want to graduate.” The Russian sighed, looking at the window that only showed how dark was outside.  

“Yeah, but you shouldn't get used to it. Look Katya…” For the first time, she grabbed her hand and looked at her in the eyes. The other girl seemed surprised at the sudden contact. “To be honest, Sister Mary told me that you were a ‘deviant’ girl.” 

Katya sighed in annoyance and rolled her eyes. “That old skeleton...” Both of them snorted at that comment and giggled at it. “What more did she say?” 

“Basically that you were misbehaving, that your scores weren’t good. So, she wanted me to be your roommate so I could ‘help you’ and get you back on track.” Katya at this point had her mouth open wide in shock.

“That bitch!” Trixie almost screamed, which made her friend cover her mouth.

“They’ll come here and find us still awake!” The Midwestern nodded, and then Katya took her hand from her mouth. She didn't know why but the heat rose to her cheeks by that gesture. Trixie cleared her throat and continued. 

“Basically, what I’m trying to say is that you don’t seem to be that girl that those people have told me about. You’re a really kind person, and the first one who has helped me continuously since I’ve arrived,” Katya’s smile warmed up her heart after seeing it. 

“Thank you, that means a lot,” the smaller girl grabbed her hand again and it felt as warm as her precious grin. “I had a misconception of you as well,” Katya confessed. 

“Really?” This time, Trixie was really interested to know what Katya thought of her at first.  

“Well, at first thought you were the kind of girl that’ll be so popular here, you have that kind of vibe. Like a cheerleader!” 

“Mhm. I can see that, but I think I’m not that charismatic or extravagant.”

“But I think that you are! You’re really smart and the nuns loved you right away!” Katya tilted her head, contemplating.

“Thanks! I’m always very invested in having good grades, especially now. I want a scholarship for any University that would accept me”

“That’s great. I’m sure you’ll get it! Have you decided what you are going to study?” 

“I would love to become a doctor!”

“That’s awesome, but my head couldn't get all that information in.”

“What about you? What do you want to do?”

“I’m sure I want to study arts. I really like to draw nonsense and paint some weird shit that’ll make the nuns uncomfortable...” Both of them giggled. 

“I couldn't imagine it otherwise...”

“What about your family?

“Well, it’s kinda complicated actually. Basically my mom married this dude who’s an idiot, and he makes my life, and my siblings’ life, miserable. Basically they sent me here so I would stop questioning his behavior. But actually, they’re doing me a favor by sending me here. I’m way happier staying at this school”

“Oh fuck, that sucks Trixie… I’m sorry”

“It’s okay, unfortunately I’m very used to it. I just want independence from them, studying and never going back to Wisconsin…” 

“I hope you get that, you deserve it!” The sincere smile that coated Katya’s lips made her believe her, and her presence made this situation a thousand times better.



1966

 

T-This can’t be real . Beatrice? ...Trixie?

Katya’s hands were shaking, as she stood thunderstruck in the middle of the sidewalk, her face froze in that incredule expression gazing at what she thought was a trick of her brain, making her see something that wasn’t there.

Those honey eyes looked the same as she remembered, but her face seemed to be thinner, as well as her body. Something was still the same, though: she was wearing all pink: her dress, her stockings, her bag. A pink princess. 

It felt surreal and weird. This is definitely not real , she repeated to herself.   

Then, the woman in front of her moved her hand just an inch and she freaked out, stepping back. I gotta get out of here . And that’s what she did, she turned around and walked away, picking up speed, her feet moving so desperately that she was almost running away from her. She bumped into some people a couple of times, saying sorry and not turning her head back.   

After a while - she didn’t know for how long she had been walking -,  she dared to look back: the woman was out of sight. Katya sighed audibly in relief, recovering from that shock. It wasn’t her, it wasn’t real , she said over and over again as she continued her way. It was better to believe that than facing the real Trixie. 

 

***

 

“Katya, what’s up with you?” Bianca asked as the burning cigarette on her hand was almost reaching her finger. She realized on time, getting startled by it.

“Oh damn,” she smashed it on the ashtray beside her. They were sitting on her balcony as they took a smoke break. When she looked up to her friend, she had a concerned  look on her face. “N-Nothing.” 

“HA! Sure,” her friend laughed cynically. “Katya, you can’t fool me. I know you very well…” Bianca raised an eyebrow.

She was right, so she avoided her gaze and looked at the street like it was the most interesting thing on the planet. Both of them were left in silence. She was hesitant to tell her friend about what happened. Bianca knew that she and Trixie had a fight back in high school but she always kept the reason a secret. In fact, no one knew what really happened, but her friend wasn’t someone who she could lie to. Bianca could read right through her. 

“Well?” The brunette asked again, tilting her head and raising her brows up in curiosity. Katya sighed again. 

Maybe talking about it would make her feel better, since she had kept the secret to herself for a long time now. She needed to take it out of her system.  “I-I think I saw Trixie today.”  

“Oh, and how is she doing? I haven’t seen her since high school.” 

“Me neither…” She fixed her eyes on her  own lap. 

“And what is the problem about that? Are you still angry about the fight that the two of you had back then?” Katya opened her mouth to say something but she wasn’t able to pronounce any words. “C’mon Katya! It’s in the past, let it be! You two used to be so close, like siamese twins…”

“It’s not as easy as you think,” she declared, closing her eyes for a few seconds. 

“Why? Are you finally going to tell me what happened between the two of you? Why did you guys fight?”

“I-...” Katya stopped herself and thought about it for a second. This was a delicate matter for her, and even though her friend knew she loved women, this was a hurtful memory and it was not easy to tell. Her words wouldn't come out even if she wanted to, but her friend seemed to notice her struggle.

“It’s okay Kat, you don’t have to tell me. Sorry for being pushy.” It wasn’t that normal for Bianca to say sorry, but she knew she had a sweet spot for Katya in her heart. 

“It’s okay, I want to tell you soon. I still find it hard to talk about, since I never told anyone.” Bianca nodded, with a reassuring smile.

“Take your time. Maybe you can talk about what you felt when you saw her?” 

“It felt like... I got scared, Bianca. I don’t know why, but I felt like I saw a ghost, like she wasn’t real. The wicked thing it was that last night I had a nightmare about her, and this afternoon she appears out of nowhere.”

“Wow, okay… That’s freaky…”

“Right? Last night I felt like I was in high school again, and I remembered the last time that we saw each other, which was awful by the way...” 

“Oh okay.... It seems that you had an interesting day to say the least… But let me tell you something,” Katya had her entire attention on her friend. Bianca didn’t usually give a lot of insights about certain subjects, since she was a little bit cold and a straight up bitch from time to time, so whatever she was about to say, surely was important. “I’ve never seen you so distressed by a subject like this. I’m sure it must be something pretty heavy for you, but I don’t know what happened between you two, and what was the fight about, I’m just going to say that if you see Trixie again, you should resolve this. Sometimes having things unresolved could disturb your mind for years.”

“Yeah, that could be right…”

“Of course, I’m always right!” Both them giggled slightly, but Bianca continued. “In fact, now that I think about it, I have a theory. You’re not the same Katya from that last year of high school. I don’t know if it was thanks to the fact that you were expelled or that fight but, hear me out. Everyone changes when you become an adult, right? But there’s a sparkle that you have lost. Don’t get me wrong, you’re still the same Katya, but you don’t laugh as much, you don’t smile as much, you don’t seem happy, you even hate the idea of having someone beside you… Did you use to think like that back then?”

She snorted, almost laughing sarcastically. “No, I was a delusional kid. But you’re right, I’ve changed. I’m a bitter dyke, is that what you wanted to hear?!” She said spitting every word with a tone of anger.

“Look!” Bianca made a gesture towards her. “See what I mean? You used to be different! My point is that whatever happened, it’s poisoning you on the inside. You need to forgive her, to let it go. I’m not accusing you of anything, I’m just trying to help you Katya!” Bianca’s words hurt, especially because they were true. She just threw all of her frustrations at her, and it didn’t help. 

After a long sigh, she looked at her friend again. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just… It’s too much to process.” For her surprise, Bianca grabbed her hand, squeezing it a bit and after that, she hugged her tightly. That contact made the Russian loosen her shoulders. 

“It’s okay, you can cry Kat.” Maybe it was the surprising warm attitude of her friend, the bitter sensation she had or the anger from the past, but those words made her sob on Bianca’s shoulder. “I just want you to be happy…”

That was a night that she’d never forget.   



1959

 

“Wait… You have to show me your leather jacket!” Trixie was smiling in excitement. Katya doubted for a minute. They were supposed to be asleep and the nuns might have been lurking around the corridors. 

“Check outside if there’s anyone in the hallway…” 

“Sure,” The Midwestern approached the door in her tip toes and, with the most delicate and subtle movements, she opened the door slowly and peeked outside. “We’re good.”

“Great!” Katya smiled instantly, and opened her bottom drawer where she had her jacket, hidden under the rest of her clothes. She took it out, along with a high waisted pair of jeans. She tried to be stealthy and not to make any noise that could alarm anyone. At that hour she was wearing her hideous pajamas, but as she was about to take it off, she became more aware of Trixie’s presence. 

The girl seemed to notice this and immediately said. “Oh right, I’ll cover my eyes”, and after she did this, she took the pajamas off. When she was only in her underwear, she started to put her jeans on. The feeling of being this exposed in front of Trixie was making her hands sweaty, but deeply, her delusional and gay heart wanted the other girl to be peeking on her. She raised the garment slowly through her legs with that thought in mind, and for a moment they were shaking. 

You’re so delusional, Yekaterina . Next was her jacket, and without even thinking about it, she said: “Done”. When she turned around, Trixie’s mouth was slightly opened. When she checked again, she realized that under that, she only was wearing her bullet bra and immediately covered herself.

“It’s okay,” her friend quickly said, with a calmer expression now. “It’s just me,” she smiled slightly. Trixie was right, it was just her. Then why did she feel that it wasn’t the same as any other friend? She uncovered herself, and started to make weird poses just to feel less embarrassed about herself, since Trixie didn’t seem to feel awkward about it. 

“It looks really good on you!” The sincerity of her tone made Katya’s ears turn red. 

“You think?” She avoided her gaze before her cheeks coated in a deep crimson and looked at herself in the small mirror that they had in their room. 

“Of course, you always look pretty!” She declared, like it was a given and obvious thing. Katya felt her throat tighten. It was hard not to say anything out of the ordinary. “Now I want a leather jacket as well!” 

“Did I corrupt you Trixie Mattel?” She asked, imitating Sister Mary’s voice and the other girl giggled, trying not to laugh loudly or they could be caught. 

“Maybe, but you look badass,” she said with an impressed tone and Katya felt her heart beat faster in her chest. 

“Do I look like the bad girl now?” She made a fake gun with her hands, posing like Marlon Brando in his latest movies. Then she remembered she had her Ray Bans in a corner of her drawer. 

She looked for those and put them on, which made her friend say. “Are you my Rock Hudson?”

“No, I’m your Marlon Brando, baby,” she faked a deep voice, just to make her smile and it worked. Katya almost sighed, thinking about how she actually wished Trixie could be the Jayne Mansfield to her Diana Dors.



***

 

There are things in this world that sometimes you need to keep to yourself, but boy, oh boy, was this hard to keep it inside of her. Trixie knew it, she knew what made her different under all of those pink clothes, the perfect As and her over the top feminine demeanor. It was something that she had carried in her consciousness as a delicate secret.

When she was a little girl, she didn’t know what it meant. She thought that it was natural for her to be interested in her neighbor, Sally. She was only five years old and she just wanted to hold her hand everywhere they went. Eventually, Sally told her that she thought that Mike, one of their classmates in elementary school, was cute. That gave her a bitter sensation on the inside that made her distance herself from her former best friend. 

Years later, in middle school, a huge gossip was flying around about one of the boys. What was this boy’s problem? He was a ‘sissy, femenine, and gay’. Trixie was thriteen and had never really known what the word homosexual meant. When she asked one of her close friends, she told her secretively that it meant someone that liked a person of the same sex. At first she was mortified, knowing that she was that, that she had always preferred girls since she could remember, but she never vocalized it. Not only did she know what it was, but  it turned out that it was something bad .  

After that, she became very aware about how she acted, who she looked at and if it was anything suspicious that might give the idea that she was different . That’s why she never dared to tell anyone her secret. 

As time passed, she understood that this was her, that there was nothing that could change it. She was born this way. Unfortunately, she had to perform as an actress any time that her friends would ask her if she found some random guy handsome or if some actor was her crush. With time she found it awkward and weird, and later she had fun pretending, thinking it was something humorous. 

The worst part was dealing with the boys that wouldn't give up on her, calling her names, catcalling her and finding new ways to describe her curvaceous body. It was annoying and disgusting at the same time.         

Tonight that secret flourished inside of her. Her heart beat again and it wasn’t thanks to Marlon Brando, Rock Hudson or James Dean. It was thanks to a blonde girl, with hair as beautiful as Briggite Bardot’s, deep blue eyes like Doris Day, and delicate features as Grace Kelly, but with an attitude and a personality that none of them had. 

When Katya turned around, showing her daring outfit, her jaw dropped and surely, her heart made her go insane on the inside. Involuntarily, her eyes went straight to her bra, blushing embarrassingly in front of her, but it seemed that Katya hadn’t noticed her mistake, covering herself afterwards. For some reason, Trixie wished she hadn’t done that. She wanted to fan herself, since she was so flustered about it. 

One thing was for sure: Katya looked hot. Fucking hot. As a reaction, she visibly swallowed. Still, besides that, she tried to pretend that there was nothing wrong about seeing her closest friend in a bra, with a leather jacket that seemed to have been made for Katya’s shape, and that pair of jeans that hugged her curves…

Katya, do you possibly, like the feeling of having me close? Would you like to hold my hand? Would you hug me more than usual? Would you let me kiss your cheek more often? Would you let me, possibly… Kiss your lips? We’re friends but would you mind that? Would you mind if I say that you are so pretty? So pretty that I can’t wait for you to let me kiss your neck and hear you sigh ... 

You have to control yourself . That’s what she repeated in her mind, she couldn’t show her true self for now. It was dangerous. You wouldn't like to get in trouble with the nuns , she considered, but that image of Katya wouldn't go away. 



1966



Those blue eyes looked as nervous as the day they met at that classroom. Her eyes were open wide, but maybe this time in shock, and Trixie couldn't blame her, she was sharing that feeling. 

Not even in her wildest dreams she thought she'd be seeing her again, she always guessed that Katya might have gone to Boston or New York, but she was in Chicago. Is she visiting her parents? , she wondered for a second. Actually she had so many questions in her head that if she had the opportunity to ask, she wouldn't know how to start. 

Both of them froze on the spot. That morning, Trixie thought she had seen her, so maybe this could be just her imagination again... But the Katya that she was gazing at right in front of her was slightly different from what she remembered. 

The Russian had grown into the most beautiful adult that she had ever seen. Katya was Katya, nothing could top her beauty.  No other woman had made her feel like she did.

Her red lips were slightly parted, and even if she looked surprised, her presence was immaculate; even perfect. Her nose was pink thanks to the cold day, making her look kind of adorable. Even her hair was short, as short as Twiggy’s. High waisted red pants, black turtleneck sweater with a black leather coat... 

Her breath hitched. It was really her. Her Katya. She could feel her hands shaking, and her heart beating so fast that it was undoing her chest. I have to talk to her, I have to say something, I want to hug her, I want to ask her how she’s doing, if she missed me as much as I did…

When she moved her hand to reach for her, Katya reacted like a scared deer and immediately turned her back on Trixie and escaped from her sight. Somehow, her feet wouldn't move from the ground, her mind wasn’t cooperating and she barely had pronounced “Kat…”

She stood in that same spot until she disappeared from her view for a couple of minutes, trying to comprehend what just happened.

This can’t be it. It couldn't end like this. There’s no way she was letting this stop her from talking to her again. There were so many things that she wanted to say, so many things that were killing her since they last saw each other, sleepless nights, just for this moment.

Home, she had to go home. Her desperation made her run almost all the way to her and Jaida's apartment. When she got there, she was out of breath, finding her friend watching the news on the TV, who looked at her weirdly. 

“Did you run a marathon, girl?” Jaida frowned, while Trixie was gasping for air at the doorway. 

“Probably… I’ll tell you about it later.” Her answer made Jaida look at her even with more curiosity than before, but her friend didn’t push her with the subject. She closed the door, went straight to the white pages, and took it with her to her bedroom, shutting the door behind her.

Trixie sat on her bed and turned the bedside lamp on. Before opening the book she shook her hands a bit, to ease her nervousness. The anxiety of it was too much. 

“Okay, let’s do this,” she whispered to herself before opening it. Rapidly, she started to navigate through those pages, looking for the last names that start with “Z”. When she found them, she started to go down in the list with her finger. 

“Z, z, za, za, za… Zamo!” She gasped, stopping her finger in the first last name of the Zamolodchikovas. She visibly swallowed. Katya wasn’t the first one on the list. Patricia Zamolodchikova? It sounded familiar, but she continued since it wasn’t what she was looking for. The next one wasn’t familiar at all, so her eyes continued on her search.

Her finger froze when she found Zamolodchikova Yekaterina. Her digit followed her name to the right, finding her number and address.

“She lives here…” She smiled amazed, happy but at the same time, still anxious at the prospect of talking to her again.

 

Would you forgive me?

 

Chapter Text

1959



P.E. was one of her favorite classes, since she was one of the most athletic girls in her class, if she could say so. Not only was it one of the most fun moments in this school, but their teacher was the best: Coach Beth Taylor. She was one of the few teachers that were laic, and she had a special bond with the girls. The gymnasium was a safe place for them, away from the nuns and having fun while playing basketball, volleyball or whatever the coach would let them choose to play. 

On this particular day of October, in their weekly class of P.E, she wasn’t feeling okay and all of that was thanks to her ankle. In the last class, she didn’t land well while she was trying to defend the ball. Still, coach Taylor was awesome and let her rest on the benches this time, so she got to watch her classmates playing basketball. Before they started, her friends asked again if she was okay and she assured them that she was going to be fine. It was a lie, it still hurt but she was a tough girl and she was handling it well. Also the nurse had seen her and told her she just needed to take care and it would slowly heal on its own. That was a relief.

Usually, Katya would get very focused when she played, taking it very seriously. Maybe it was the only moment when she would show some competitiveness, but actually that wasn’t something that could happen often. Now that she was the viewer of the game, she started to notice some things that she hadn't seen before.

At first she was concentrated in following the match, but soon her eyes landed inevitably on her . Trixie was a decent player of basketball, not the best but definitely not the worst in the group. Slowly, she started to pay less attention to how she was playing and instead, she focused more on how her hair bounced from side to side when she ran after the ball, how adorable her face looked when she was sweating, how her cheeks were pink from all the activity that she was doing, how good the uniform looked on her… And damn, Trixie looked so hot in that outfit. The t-shirt was hugging her generous breasts tightly, and still she wished it was tighter. The hideous sports pants suddenly looked good but only on her, accentuating her waist in a beautiful curve. 

Without doing any activity, or moving in any way, her cheeks felt warm. She was blushing at the sight, but that was not the only place that she felt the heat. She shifted on her seat a bit, completely flustered. 

“Katya, are you okay?” Bianca suddenly appeared, startling her. “I know that you love P.E., but the class is over.” She was right, everyone was going to the showers. 

For the rest of the day she had stayed with a weird sensation inside of her. She felt clumsy and lost. Not only that, but the anxiety of having Trixie close to her was prominent and it hadn’t been that way before. She was aware of her presence more than usual and her proximity was making her feel a little bit insane.

The desire of having something so close yet so far. The frustration of not being able to touch her, to kiss her, to tell her how much she wanted her, of having to to act like everything was cool, like there wasn’t anything wrong with her. Meanwhile on the inside she was burning, overwhelmed by so many emotions that she couldn't express. Repression was something that she was way too familiar with. 

That night on her bed, after she wished Trixie  good night, her thoughts didn’t leave her alone. All she could see was the image of Trixie in that uniform, over and over again. And even though it was kinda cold in the room, she started to heat up under the covers. The same sensation that she had at the gym was coming back. Her hand wanted to reach out to where she needed it but, she was sharing a bedroom now. What if she hears me? Maybe she’s asleep … That’s what she wondered for a while, until she finally decided to do it. 

The urge wasn’t bearable anymore, her cold hand finally reaching her underwear in the silence of the night. When she reached there, it felt so hot and wet that she blushed again, in embarrassment. Slowly she felt her folds that were slick and slippery, feeling them with her fingers. At that moment her skin had goosebumps from the sensation. 

It had been a long time since she had last done this, well, since before the other girl arrived and after today, she was in need. There was a strong craving for touch and contact, and it was pathetic at this point, especially because it came from her .

Katya knew her body well, and what needed to do for her to reach her high. The problem was the noise that she could make. So, she decided to cover her mouth with the other hand, as she circled her sensitive nerve with intention. She looked to her left and she could barely see in the darkness if Trixie was asleep or not. She hoped she was. 

But fuck, it felt so good to finally do it. Katya was starting to enjoy it more, the tension going away from her body. Meanwhile she felt her fingers and thighs even wetter, so she couldn't help to insert a finger inside of her, almost moaning at the sensation. 

Slowly, but steady, she started to move deeper inside of her where it felt warm, feeling every fiber of pleasure by her own movements. Then she started to speed up her fingers in and out of herself. Without even avoiding it, she gasped and it was barely audible, or… That’s what she thought. Her immediate reaction was to cover her mouth more tightly than she had done before. She was so alert now, since the pleasure that she was feeling might have made her feel loose and she probably might have let escape more sounds that she had wished to. 

Now she was very aware of every sound, hoping that her roommate was still asleep. But Katya did not expect what was coming to her: she heard the other girl… Moaning? 

Her eyes widened and she immediately stopped what she was doing. She realized that hadn’t heard Trixie’s sounds of pleasure before - or that’s what she guessed they were. Was she doing the same thing ? Katya wondered to herself. The only thing that she could feel was her beating heart, practically panicking from that situation. 

She covered herself even more with her comforter, feeling her face completely red from embarrassment. But then again, why did the other blonde do that as well? There was no way of finding out and surely she wasn’t going to ask her. It was better for her to fall asleep, act oblivious the next day and, if she could, forget about that night. 




1966

 

It was late, she should be in her bed by then. Bianca was long gone and now it was just her and her bottle of wine. The latter was already empty, so she was feeling the alcohol in her system. But it wasn’t an anesthetic for all of her emotions that she had been feeling lately. On the contrary, it was enhancing them. 

Sometimes you just want to forget instead of forgive, but she was realizing that after all, she didn’t accomplish either of that. Trixie was still there, in the back of mind, hidden like a long and distant memory that she never wanted to reach or deal with. 

Bianca was right. Everything that she had said that night was the pure truth and for some reason she was uncomfortable with that reality. Katya knew she was stubborn and when something got to her head, it was hard to brush it off. Forgiving her wasn't easy, but living with this grudge wasn’t letting her be and move on.

After the last drop of wine was on her mouth, she approached her bedroom, with small and slow footsteps, trying not to trip or fall on her way. When she reached the doorway, she turned on the light of the room, but instead of going to the mattress, her eyes landed on her closet; and they fixed on that spot for a while. 

Her mind screamed: the box, the box, the box . That’s what she started to search for. When she opened the closet door, her hands tried to clumsily find that box that she needed to see right now. She knew she wouldn't fall asleep without taking a look at it. Her fingers found it on the top shelf and as careful as she could be in that moment, she took it out.

“Fuck, this shit’s heavy,” she complained to herself, finally setting the box on the floor. She sat in front of it, taking the lid off. There was some dust on top of it that her hand tried to dispel. 

Inside of it she found a lot of memories that she had saved there. All of them were from her time at Woodlands Academy of the Sacred Heart. Pictures, letters, drawings and notebooks. The first thing that she found was a picture of Bianca, Violet, Adore and her. Immediately she smiled at seeing it, she didn't remember this photo. They were all smiling, and even Violet - who was a cold bitch most of the time - looked like she was genuinely having fun. She didn’t remember where exactly it had been taken, but she guessed it was outside of the church.

The next one she found was a picture of the entire class of 1959 and it was actually very lovely. Sister Francine, their biology teacher, was there, along with coach Taylor. She did remember that everyone wanted them in the picture, since they were the best teachers at the school. 

She tried to find herself in the photo and, quickly, she did. She was smiling brightly, her hair was neatly styled for the occasion. Trixie had probably styled it. She was sitting right next to Katya, smiling as well. Before taking that picture, she recalled that moment, where she wanted their hands to be as close to each other as they could, since they couldn’t hold them. They were almost brushing between their sides. The picture almost failed before it was taken thanks to her, since she was looking at the Midwestern and not the camera. 

She choked up, immediately leaving the photo and continued observing the content of that old box. At the bottom of it, she found one of her most important objects that she possessed in those years: her diary. 

She quickly opened it up, curious to revisit what she used to write back then. It was the only place where she could write everything that she felt in those times. Since her sexuality was a secret, the paper was the only spot where she felt safe and free to let it all out. When she read the first line, she giggled. “Dear Barbara...” That was the name that had been given to her diary and she still found that funny.

 

“What a naïve girl,” she snorted and commented to herself, but she continued reading the next pages.

 

“Oh god, I was a lost cause,” she moved her head in disapproval. She skipped a few pages.

 

Wow, gay .

 

The Russian had to stop reading and she closed her eyes. She was warned before and she didn’t want to see it. She loved her so much, that she was weak and could forgive anything from her. Well, almost anything. 

She felt that annoying lump in her throat, the one that held her back from expressing her emotions so many times . It was too much, too much for a day. It was overwhelming and she was putting the finger on the wound again. She had to stop this self-pity game. Abruptly, she closed her diary. It wasn’t helpful at all. It had to go back where it came from. 

In a rush, she was desperate to put all the items back in that box and she closed it. For a moment, she was about to get up and throw it away in the trash, but she couldn't, she didn’t dare to do it. When she was about to stand up the phone rang loudly in her living room. 

“Jesus Christ!” She almost got a heart attack by the sudden noise. Who could be at this hour? She wondered. It was already late, but then she had the fear that it could be an emergency so she quickly approached the telephone. 

“Hi?” She asked almost out of breath.

“Is this Katya?” A female voice that was peculiar asked, and Katya didn’t recognize who it was. 

“Yes, who is this?” She was frowning, now curious to know who was the stranger. 

“Hey Katya, it’s me, Trixie!” 



1959

 

“Fuck, it’s cold,” the Russian felt her hands like they were ice as she held the cigarette between her fingers. On that particular day, Katya and Bianca were behind the gym, in their secret smoking place. They would usually do a little escapade and have a small break everyday. It was the moment that filled her with more adrenaline, since it was kind of dangerous to be caught smoking. It was dumb, it was stupid, it was fun. 

It was early November, and the forest that was right next to the school looked beautiful. It was filled with the colorful leaves that the wind was carrying on the ground: yellow, orange, red, and brown all over the grass. But even though it was still fall, it felt  as cold as a normal winter day. 

What was nice about this small moment of the day was getting to talk alone with Bianca about anything: maybe about something that had happened in classes, an interesting gossip or criticizing the nuns. This time, it seemed that her friend wanted to say something since she could feel her hesitant gaze on her for a few minutes. 

“What?” She asked after a long time. Uncharacteristically of her, Bianca took her time to say something. 

“Do you and Trixie get along?” Katya frowned, looking at her friend in a sea of confusion. What kind of question was this one? They obviously got along perfectly. 

“Of course, why would you think otherwise?” She replied like it was obvious, this time with another question. 

“That’s great, I just… Uhh… Observed something interesting…” Bianca continued and Katya nodded. She was listening to her carefully. “I’ve seen that you two are very close… Very, very close… I don't know how to explain this but uh-…You two look at each other a lot when we’re with the girls so…” 

Katya’s eyes widened immediately with what Bianca was suggesting. She can’t be serious, no, no, no she can’t know . She was not ready for having this conversation and she felt like puking all of the sudden. The color in her face had probably disappeared, and she supported her back on the gymnasium’s wall so she wouldn’t show how nervous and shaky she was.

Her mind only screamed one thing: deny it. She couldn't let Bianca know what was happening. It was so scary and risky for her. She loved and trusted her friend, but she didn't know how she would react to it. “Are you kidding me?” She masked her fright with a confrontational question, but her voice sounded weak.

“Oh no, no. Sorry for suggesting that… I was just curious…” Bianca looked alert now, like she had messed it up, and Katya didn’t know what to do with herself. 

I need to go, I need to go , that was all that her brain was telling her. “I-I don’t know why you would bring this up… But, I-I need to go. See you later,” she passed by her, heading to the dormitories, but before she could continue her friend said something else that made her turn around and listen.

“Katya, sorry… You’re my friend, and you know you can trust me.” She locked eyes with her for a few seconds and nodded, later fixing her gaze on the grass.

“Yes, I know. See you later, Bianca…” She replied weakly and kept walking away. As she was getting back to her room, her mind was bombarded by so many thoughts about that conversation. How did she notice it? Should I tell her? Better not. What If she tells something to the nuns? No, I can’t take that risk .           

There was an important thing that Bianca had said: “ You two look at each other a lot when we’re with the girls ”. What did she mean by that? Could it possibly be that Trixie…? No, it must be her imagination . Surely it was a mistake . It’s a mistake, it’s a mistake, it’s a mistake ...  

She was a mess, and she was so glad to arrive at her safe place: her room and well… Trixie. But when she opened the door, for the second time that day, her eyes widened, and probably more than before. 

The sight in front of her sent chills down her spine: Trixie was reading her diary. This can’t be happening, this can’t be happening . The Midwestern looked up in shock and quickly closed it, as a reflex. 

 

Katya felt like she was about to faint. 



1966

 

“Yes, who is this?” 

“Hey Katya, it’s me, Trixie!” 

The Midwestern had been battling with herself for hours and questioning herself about what to do. Should I call her or not? What if she doesn’t pick up? What if she hangs up? It kept going again and again and she finally came to a conclusion.

It had been years, and she had waited for this moment for so long that there was an urge in her to do something about it. She wanted to see her, she wanted to talk to her, she wanted to ask her for forgiveness. She wanted her friend back. 

As she waited for her response, there was a deep silence between them. She guessed that Katya might have not expected that phone call. 

“Trixie?” Finally a question popped up from the other blonde. Thank god, she hasn’t hung up yet. 

“Yes, I saw you today and I was so shocked! I didn’t expect to see you here in Chicago, but I’m so happy that I get to talk to you again!” She couldn't hide the joy that she was feeling and all of the sudden, she couldn't stop her mouth from expressing herself freely about it. 

“I-I don’t know what to say,” Katya told her, stuttering a bit  and she couldn't blame her for feeling like that. Speechless.

“I know, it’s crazy! But I really need to see you soon, I have so many things that I want to talk to you about! I’d really appreciate it if you gave me some time this week? Like… What about this Saturday? Maybe 5 p.m?” She asked unsure if this might work or not. She was begging the universe to give her a second chance in life and to fix her past mistakes. This one was the most important one that she needed to take care of.  Please say yes, please say yes … She crossed her fingers for luck and waited for her response that was uncertain so far.

Silence over the line again. She could count the seconds if she wanted to and the suspense was killing her, making her hands literally shake as she held the phone for her dear life. 

“Sure…” She almost sighed audibly over the phone by the relief that answer gave her. 

“We can meet at the café that’s beside the Millenium Station,” she suggested in a rush.

“Yeah, okay, yeah, I know that place…” It was hard to read her tone, she didn’t seem that enthusiastic about it, but at the same time she didn’t sound against it.

“That’s great! So… I’ll see you there?”

“Sure… Uhm, see ya!” 

Chapter Text

1959

 

“What are you doing with my diary?!” Katya felt how the blood was concentrating on her face, making her feel more angry and disappointed with what she had just witnessed. 

“Kat, I know this looks bad but-” Trixie stood up from her bed with the notebook still in her hand. She raised her palm in front of her, trying to calm the other girl down. That made Katya even angrier.

“It is bad! How dare you invade my privacy!” Then she approached the Midwestern, taking her journal from her hand with force, irritated. Trixie's eyes widened and it seemed like she had started to understand how serious this was. 

“I’m sorry, please listen to me!” The other girl said, clearly panicking. Katya turned around. 

“I don’t want to listen to your excuses,” and just like that, the smaller girl left the room, slamming the door behind her.

After leaving their bedroom, she didn’t know where to go, or what to do. She felt dizzy and upset at the same time. Her first instinct was to look for a refuge. She wanted to be alone. Not even her friends could help her, this wasn’t something that she could explain to Bianca, Violet or Adore. 

There was only one place. The theater was the spot where she wanted to hide, behind the curtains, in the backstage area, where she could be all alone. It was dark as hell, just how she needed it. She made sure no one would catch her entering or the nuns might scold her, sending her straight back to her room. 

As she expected, there was no sound and barely any light, since the sun was going down. She went to the spot where she liked to hide from time to time when she needed to write on her own.

She sat on the cold floor, supporting her back on the wall. There, on her own she realized it, her diary was pointless now. Her secret was out and Trixie had read not only that she liked girls but… That she liked her . Just thinking about it made her feel like throwing up. 

In the silence of that place, she started recalling every single thing that she wrote there and it got worse and worse. She wanted to disappear, to be away, far away from here. 

What if Trixie now hated her? What if she told the nuns about it? What the fuck was she going to do? Katya felt trapped. Even in her own room, which she shared with the girl that she… Loved. Now she was going to have to deal with her looks, which would probably be filled with disgust and hatred, awkwardness and regret. 

Why on Earth had she started this diary? She could have kept it to herself instead of writing it on paper. She felt stupid, and most of all, guity. Guilty for feeling this way towards her , for being dumb and not controlling herself, for carrying herself to this point. She should had never let herself feel something for her friend, and yet, here she was.

Her friend discovered her, and in the worst way possible: reading her personal stuff. That was something that she had never expected her to do. It was so wrong on so many levels, but at the same time she was vulnerable now. If she confronted her about it, she was at a huge risk of being outed and her secret could be in everyone’s mouths. 

It was a scary and highly dangerous situation. She had to be careful and that made her filled with anger. It was pretty unfair, her feelings were exposed and yet she couldn't do much about it. She had to shut up, and deal with Trixie cautiously - and hoping for the best. If Trixie wanted, she could destroy her in front of everyone. That would crush her heart.

If she didn’t protect herself, no one was going to do it. This was the crucial moment, and she needed to calculate everything: what to say to her friend, how to treat her from now on. She couldn't expect anything from Trixie. Katya felt so frustrated that she opened her diary and translated into words what she felt in that moment.

In the darkness of that teather, Katya felt alone and miserable, so much that she started to cry inconsolably. She felt powerless, weak and hopeless, and all of that just because she was ‘different’ from everyone else. Just for loving someone. 

The pain that she suffered couldn't be understood by anyone, so she had to hide like a rat, in a dark and cold room, all on her own.

Slowly, she hugged her legs, burying her head on her knees, consoling herself as the tears fell down, one after the other. She let herself express her anger, sadness, disappointment, fear and all in between. 

Minutes turned into hours, and the place looked even darker, since the night had arrived. She decided to skip dinner and remain there until everyone was in their beds, asleep, knowing that at some point she would have to go back to her room, and that was something she wasn’t excited about.

Eventually, she went back, sneaking up, checking every corner that she turned, being careful not to make any noise, and not to be seen by anyone. When she was at her door, she took a deep breath before entering. Slowly she opened the door, making barely any sound, so she wouldn't alert Trixie.

Once she was in bed,  her roommate luckily looked like she was sleeping. Katya sighed and tried to get some rest. Being inside of those four walls was uncomfortable to her, but thankfully, she was so tired from this crazy day that she fell asleep. 

Her body worked like a clock, waking up at the same hour every morning, pretty early. When she checked, Trixie was still asleep. She took advantage of that, taking the uniform with her and her bag, heading towards the showers, without letting her roommate know. She wanted to avoid her, and any opportunity to talk to her, but she didn’t know how long she would be able to do that for. 

The blonde went to classes as if nothing had happened. That morning the first one was English, and luckily Trixie wasn’t there yet when she arrived at the classroom. Violet was on her seat already, and she immediately was approached by her.

“Where were you last night? We didn’t see you at dinner!” Her friend seemed curious and worried at the same time.

“I-I didn’t feel well… I was at the theater,” she said as she took out what she needed from her bag. Her friends already knew that she liked to have some time on her own every once in a while, precisely over there. Sometimes Violet went there with her, mostly to gossip about something secret.

“But, are you okay now?” The brunette had a worried expression on her face and to calm her down she nodded with a small smile. “Well, if you need anything let me know, okay?”

“I will, thanks Violet!” Not long after she got settled on her chair, Trixie walked in. She tried not to make a lot of eye contact, looking at her notebook, avoiding her gaze. Still, she felt the Midwestern’s eyes on her, piercing her soul. Katya could feel how sweaty her hands were.

Then, the nun walked in and the class started. As the minutes passed by, she started to feel more uncomfortable and uneasy. She knew that this situation was going to be like this for a few days and she already couldn't bear any more seconds. 

She was used to chatting with Trixie, to sending each other notes and laughing mischievously when they weren’t seen by the teacher. Today was different, way different. Being in the same room with her was suffocating.

Listening to the class didn’t help because it made her more anxious, she felt that time was passing by slowly and the lesson was eternal. Her last resource was to draw, and thank god that distracted her a bit, for most of the class.

When the bell rang, she sighed, thankful for having a break. As she took her stuff, Trixie stood beside her.

“Katya, we need to talk.” She had a determined tone, but at the same time, her honey eyes looked at her with fear. 

“Trix I don-” 

“You know we do, let’s go,” she whispered discreetly, as simple as that. Katya, after a final sigh, followed her. As they walked in those halls, the silence became awkward for them.

Trixie had decided to have their talk at their room, and Katya agreed, to avoid any unwanted witnesses. When that door was closed, and they were by themselves, she felt the walls getting closer and closer. You could feel the tension in the air. She hadn’t planned anything that she could say to her, so this could go either way. 

Both of them were standing in the middle of the room, Trixie was giving her back to her, and after a few seconds, she turned around, meeting her blue eyes.

“I’m so sorry about what I did,” she started, hesitantly. “I know it was wrong… But there’s a reason…”

“Oh, there is?” She asked with impatience, but at the same time a bit afraid of what she was going to find out. 

“Yes, listen to me. Since I’ve been here, there’s things that have been waking up inside of me, things that I always knew that I had and that I was so afraid to share, because anyone would think that I’m a freak, a monster. But now that I know that I’m not alone in this, thanks to you, I’ll say it.” Katya nodded, still unsure of what she was going to share. Trixie looked so scared now, her hands shaking a bit.  “I like girls.”

The Russian had her eyes widen in shock, she never heard anyone say it, not even herself. “What?!” 

“Yes, I-I always kept it to myself and reading your diary made me feel so relieved. It made me feel like what I am is real, that I’m normal, and there’s nothing wrong with me. That we’re just like any teenager who wants to fall in love and dreams of it, without feeling guilty.” Katya never thought that someone would say that to her, that someone could understand her struggle and even be grateful for her expressing herself in a piece of paper. 

“I never, I didn’t- I’m at a loss for words…” Quickly, Trixie gripped her hands bringing her closer, smiling a bit, with tears in her eyes.

“We are the same Kat, and I can finally share my secret with you.” She was so moved that she hugged Katya, it was overwhelming, but finally, she hugged her back. She was processing what Trixie had confessed, making her feel calmer. We like girls, and that’s okay

The elephant in the room was still the fact that Trixie knew how Katya felt about her. That’s something that she wanted to know what she thought about, but at the same time, she wanted to leave that subject in the deep bottom of a coffer. It was something she didn’t want to reach or bring up, like a weird memory for both of them. 

Still, the anxious and curious part of her didn’t shut the fuck up. “You also learned about my other secrets...” She closed her eyes tightly, in that hug, not daring to look at her reaction. Then Trixie ended the hug and she cursed herself for bringing it up. She’s going to reject me . She knew it. You loser, what did you think ?

“I did and…” She still didn't dare to look her right in the eyes. The shame of her feelings were strong. How could you catch any feelings for your friend? You weirdo. This was a mistake, she’s going to laugh at you. She doesn’t find you attractive, I could bet on my life. How could you think that she’d notice you? Loser, loser, loser ... 

“Katya, please look at me,” the Midwestern begged, taking her hand again. Okay let’s get this over with. You have to do it like ripping off a band aid , you have to know at some point . She opened her eyes, hesitating. She found a calm and warm look on Trixie’s caramel gaze. 

“The main reason why I looked at your diary was because I wanted to know if you… Liked me or not. I was so intrigued to find out, and maybe, if I was lucky, you’d feel the same as I do. And I was lucky.” Katya had never felt her heart palpitate so fast before like it did in that moment. Her chest vibrated with the movements of the organ. 

Trixie liked her, like, really liked her in that way. How many times had her mind desired that. How she wished so many nights, as she asked her imaginary friend Jesus to make it come true, or it was Barbara… Who knows.

Involuntarily, she felt more drawn to her, her eyes landing on her lips, but Trixie was already doing that with hers. Do it, coward . She pushed herself.

Katya finally made the move, chasing Trixie’s full lips. It was her first real kiss, and the fact that Trixie was the first one had her full of bliss. And god, no one ever told her how satisfying it was, how hypnotizing it felt. Both of them were inexperienced, slowly figuring out how to move their lips, moving their heads in an awkward way. Immediately the two girls smiled at the kiss, giggling how they both sucked at it. 

They’d figure it out, she guessed.    

 

1966

 

Katya woke up the next day with an awful headache. She was getting too old for this. Thank god it was Saturday... Or Friday?

“Fuck,” she said taking the clock that was on the beside table, in ther hands. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” She was ten minutes late for work, but there was no point in going. She felt like shit and there was no way she could survive a whole day at school and surround herself with screaming children.

She decided that calling in sick was the best, and only reasonable option. Slowly she got up and walked towards the kitchen to get some water to try and hydrate her body a little. Maybe then her head would stop hurting and her throat wouldn’t be as dry as the cupcakes the kids’ moms baked for the school bake sale.

Katya was drinking, more like chugging, a glass of water when it downed on her. Her eyes widened: Trixie had called her, invited her to a café and she said yes. Oh no

The Russian started pacing in her kitchen, from one side to the other, not sure of what to do. Why had she said yes? She was definitely not ready to see Trixie again. She walked back to grab the phone and dialed her friend’s number, which she knew by heart.

“Hello?”

“Bianca? Are you home?” Katya asked and shook her head, ‘bad idea’ she thought as a stinging pain struck her. “Stupid question, of course you are, you picked up”

“Are you ok?” Bianca asked, worried.

“Yes… No… I don’t know, can I come over?” She asked, already walking to the living room, stretching the phone cord too much, so she could grab her jacket.

“Yes, but Kat what happened?” Her friend questioned from the other side of the line.

“I’ll tell you when I get there,” she replied, quickly hanging up and leaving her apartment.

The short walk to her friend’s house helped clear her mind a little, but she was still nervous. As soon as she knocked on the door, her friend opened it with a quizzical look in her eyes.

“What’s going on with you today? You look like you’re about to faint,” Bianca pointed out as her friend sat down on the kitchen table.

She sighed as a response. “I might, I’m not sure yet”

“Katya, what happened?” She asked, pouring both of them a cup of tea.

“Trixie called.” She said like it was the worst thing ever, filled with drama.

“Ok…” Bianca said, waiting for her friend to elaborate on the subject.

“She wants to meet up,” Katya continued, fingers fidgeting. “She called, and talked nonchalantly about how we haven’t seen each other in a long time, and how we should meet up in that café, the one besides the Millenium Stadium with those god awful yellow booths.” She wondered if Trixie was interested in fixing their past problems.

“I’m sure the booths are not the problem here,” Bianca commented, rolling her eyes.

“No, they’re not,” Katya huffed. “You know who the problem is?” She asked, exasperated.

“You?” Bianca asked, taking a sip from her cup, with all the calmness in the world.

“No, she is!” Katya said with an irritated tone. “Seven years, not a word from her, and I was fine with it! And now, out of literally nowhere, she wants to catch up!”

“Well, you saw each other on the street the other day,” Bianca pointed out. “I wouldn’t say this was unprompted.”

“That doesn’t mean she had to search my name on the fucking white pages,” Katya said, annoyed. “Plus, whose side are you on?”

“I didn’t realize there were sides,” Her friend showed confusion in her eyes, frowning.

“Well, there are, keep up Bianca,” she said, taking a long sip from her tea. “This is cold,” she complained.

“Well, it wouldn’t be if you had hydrated your throat in between rants,” Bianca pointed out.

“Stop coming for me,” the Russian said with an irritated sigh, clearly  frustrated.

“Gladly, as soon as you stop acting like an angsty teenager,” Bianca retorted. “Look, I don’t know what happened between you two, but she’s clearly trying to move on from that, maybe she even wants to become friends again.”

“I’m not sure I’m ready to forgive her,” Katya covered her face with her hands for a moment, feeling lost at what to do in this situation.

“Katya, you said it yourself, it has been seven years,” Bianca said trying to look her friend in the eyes, but Katya’s look was lost somewhere else. “Don’t you think it’s time to move on? You don’t have to be best friends again, you just need to let go of this weight you’ve been carrying for so long.”

Bianca didn't understand her fully, so she tried the following: “I had a crush on her,” Katya interrupted, eyes still fixed on the kitchen table.

“Girl, we know,” Bianca said, rolling her eyes “Remember when I asked you and you ran away like a deer who saw a man with a gun in the middle of the forest?”

“We weren’t best friends, B.” 

“What do you mean? You went everywhere together, knew everything about each other,  practically finished each other’s sentences like a pair of creepy twins,” Bianca said as she picked up the cups from the table.

“We were together,” Katya sighed, finally lifting her gaze.

“Wait, like together together,” Bianca asked, sitting back down on her chair.

“Yes, together together,” Katya mocked her.

“No way,” Bianca said, leaning back on her chair, her surprise evident in her eyes. “How? She’s way out of your league!”

“Oh, thank you,” Katya said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes.

“I’m getting a vibe that it didn’t end well.” 

“You should become a detective B, those deduction skills would put Sherlock Holmes out of business,” Katya huffed.

“Hey! Don’t take it out on me if Trixie broke up with you because you had small boobs.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” Katya said, standing up and walking to Bianca’s cabinet to grab a glass. “Do you have an aspirin? My head is killing me.” 

“Ugh, let me get them,” Bianca said walking to the bathroom “But the skipping work for a hangover cannot become a habit, unless I’m invited.”

“Buy your own wine!” Katya joked.

“Then stay at home and complain to your neighbour’s cat about your ex-girlfriend!”

“That’s not fair,” the Russian complained. “You know Bertha died last year and Mrs. Hides hasn’t gotten another cat yet.”

“Isn’t it sad that your only friends were Bertha and I?” Bianca questioned, raising her eyebrows.

“At least Bertha didn’t like me only for my wine,” Katya said, taking the aspirin.

“I’m your friend, doesn’t mean I have to like you,” Bianca pointed at her. “Actually, right now I want to slap you for being an idiot but you’re not ready for that conversation.”

“Okay, okay. I’ll tell you what happened,” she finally gave in with a sigh, maybe that’d help with her desperate situation. 

“Finally! I’m ready to listen to this drama,” Bianca declared, her whole attention now on her friend. 

Katya sighed and got comfortable on her chair. She went into a detailed description of everything that had happened that day, and scolded Bianca every time she interrupted. ‘ You would know if you’d let me finish,’ she said to her friend, rolling her eyes, but of course the brunette kept making comments.

“Didn’t she want to throw stones at you as well?” Bianca said surprised “And then she pretended she cared and that she was all sad!”

“I thought you wanted me to move on from it,” Katya mocked her friend.

“Right, sorry, you’re right,” she said sitting straight on her chair. “You still should Kat, being mad is only hurting you and eating you from the inside. This is your chance to talk to her and start healing, for your own good, not to please her.”

“Yeah,” Katya sighed. “But it’s not easy B, I trusted her.”

“I know, but you have to make this effort for yourself,” Bianca insisted. “If you keep holding on to this it’s going to take a toll on you. It already is, you look like you’ve aged five years in a week.”

“Wow, thanks.”

“But for real, promise me you’ll at least try,” Bianca said looking at her friend in the eyes.

“Fine, I promise I’ll try,” Katya concluded, rolling her eyes.



1959

 

The room felt cold, winter was coming and she could feel it as the days passed by. That night, the rain was falling non stop, it looked like the world was coming to an end. The thunder and lightning became more prominent as it got later, but that made her fall into deep sleep under her covers. 

Who knows what time it was, but she felt that something was shifting beside her. She groaned, complaining about being woken up. She felt a cold hand on her arm, and that made her open her eyes in the darkness, she was confused and in a state of slumber. Her eyes were met with Trixie’s. 

“Kitty Kat, the thunderstorm scared me…” The other girl whispered, and Katya moved so she could be more comfortable on her bed. She loved the pet name that the other girl had started using. 

“It’s okay, baby… You’re so cold,” she responded as she wrapped her arms around the taller girl. She knew that Trixie always loved how warm her skin always felt against hers.

“You are a little furnace…” The Midwestern commented, snuggling by her side. The Russian couldn't help but smile, she was adorable when she got like this. 

“So you just like me because I provide you heat?” Katya teased, hugging her.

“Yeah, that and other things…”

“What ‘other things’?” Their gaze met in the darkness and Trixie smiled like a kid that was about to do an antic, but instead of responding to her, the voluptuous girl suddenly pressed her lips on hers. Immediately she was more than eager to kiss her full and pink lips.

Her body still felt cold, but she was more than happy to make her feel warm again. Nowadays, their lips had found a perfect rhythm, learning together how to kiss without being awkward and if it was for her, she would practice with Trixie as many times as they needed it. Quickly she found herself obsessed by this contact: the proximity of it, the intimate moment, the excitement of having her in her arms.  

Suddenly Trixie’s hands were exploring her body: from her waist, to her hips, getting closer and closer to where she wished she would reach, but she never did. Then, Katya felt encouraged to explore with her hands as well. Trixie’s body was made of curves, curves and only curves, but she wished she could feel her skin, instead of that annoying fabric. She wished for more, way more. But at the same time she didn't know if it was okay, or how far she could go.  

Her hands felt warm on her, delicate and filled with love. It was like her slight touches on her skin were leaving sweet marks that were invisible to her eyes but her heart could register them forever. Soon enough she felt even more of the warmth, not only from her, but from the other blonde as well.

Their lips separated with a small noise from the contact and Trixie was heaving. “Would you mind if I take this off?” Her honey eyes met hers in the dark room. Katya was starstruck for a few seconds, not knowing if she was ready to see her for the first time without anything on. Her instinct made her head nod without blinking, not even once. 

Then, the girl got on top of her, sitting on her thighs and supporting herself on her knees. Slowly, she started to pull up her pajamas that quickly were high enough to reveal her long legs, her milky thighs, her round hips, her bellybutton, her hips and… Her generous breasts. When her nipples showed, Katya felt her face turn into a deep crimson. It was like looking at a perfect painting coming alive. She wished that the women that she drew were as immaculate as Trixie was.

Finally, the Midwestern was taking that garment off and throwing it aside, probably falling on the floor. Still, she had her cream-colored panties on. Soon enough, she approached Katya, kissing her again and this time with intensity. The blue eyed girl whined in her mouth, as her hands traveled through the sides of Trixie’s body. When she was close to her chest, the brown eyed girl left her lips to ask something out of the blue. 

“Were you touching yourself the other night?” Her whisper gave Katya goosebumps on her skin and with the smallest voice she replied to her. 

"Well… I was." Her reaction was to bite her lips. 

"I was as well… Do you want to know what I was thinking about?" Trixie asked with a breathy voice. 

Katya meanwhile, was losing her mind after finding out that indeed, both of them were pleasuring themselves at the same time. "What were you thinking about?" 

"You…" Again, a passionate kiss was born, and this time their tongues met in a heated contact. Katya felt that her clothes were burning her body, and she started to take them off. Trixie helped her, interrupting their kiss. 

When she was almost completely naked, and now totally aware of how her body looked, she felt a sudden anxiety. 

This could be her first time and it was a new experience for her to show all of those places that no other girl had seen. Her breasts were small and humble so they couldn't be confused with mountains; also she didn’t have a voluptuous butt - her ass was bony, as she liked to joke - instead there were muscles that had formed thanks to all of her training. Would she find me pretty

Instead of using words, Trixie firstly admired Katya’s body with her hands, traveling from her perky boobs down to her stomach. Her abs were barely formed but with her touch she was sure she could feel them in the obscurity of their room. "Fuck, you’re so beautiful… I still can't believe I'm finally able to touch you in this way…" 

Katya felt vulnerable in the best way possible. Trixie’s words had such a huge effect on her, and the other girl might not have realized the consequences of it. She could feel her fingers shake from this new experience, and at the same time. from her deep longing. Maybe it was because the way she loved the girl in front of her was intense.

The only way that she could express her affection was to press her lips against hers once again, wrapping her arms around her tiny waist bringing her closer to her own body. When their skin met in that lustful kiss, Katya felt that she was floating in a reality where only their love existed and nothing could tear them apart. 

Her golden hair fell on the pillow as Katya laid her down without leaving her lips for a second. She got enough courage to dare and go beyond her fears. Her hands touched that soft flesh with want, and the Russian never imagined how good her nipples would feel on her fingers, ghosting around them and making the girl beneath her whine in her mouth. 

Suddenly the other blonde stopped her movements and asked. “Wait… To be honest, I don’t know how to… What to do… Uh-” Her insecurities sounded somehow adorable to Katya, and she couldn't lie: she felt the same way. 

“I don’t know what we are doing either, we can just… Make each other feel good…” A shy smile coated the other blonde’s lips and she nodded timidly. Katya just wanted to kiss her until her lips hurt, but that could wait. 

Instead, her face approached the place where Trixie seemed to be the most sensitive. With her tongue, she circled around her pink nipples and then sucked gently, seeing her react to it and gasp slightly. The blonde was very responsive to her movements and Katya enjoyed that, so she kept doing it again and again. 

She felt how her panties were soaking just from this, and the satisfaction that she felt for making Trixie feel good. Her curiosity made her hand wander to the other girl’s underwear. The fabric felt warm, and as she could confirm, it was in the same state as Katya’s. 

With her fingers she stroked that sensitive spot and Trixie moaned. “Baby, let’s keep it low… We don’t want any intruders…”

“Yes, I’ll try…” In response she stole a kiss from her, as she continued her movements on her clit. 

“It’s so warm…” Katya whispered in her ear, leaving a kiss under it. 

“It feels so good…” Trixie, who seemed to be in a daze.

“Do you want to feel mine?” She asked and the Midwestern nodded, so she grabbed the girl’s right hand and took it where she needed it the most. Katya sighed in satisfaction at feeling her fingers on her. 

Soon both of them were mirroring their movements on each other. She could feel how Trixie got wetter and wetter as she continued, and when the fabric was bothering, she moved it to the side and felt her warm petals around her digits. A whimper of pleasure was heard in the room and that fueled her to feel her inside, a finger entering the brown eyed girl walls.

“Kat I- I- can’t hold it… I’m going to come…” She whispered heatedly in her mouth. 

“Do it, come, baby…” She encouraged, increasing her movements on her easily. She was so wet that she could hear the sound of it. Trixie’s breathing was getting more irregular and when her high came, Katya kissed her to avoid any suspicious noise. 

Trixie wasn’t satisfied until Katya had her orgasm as well, making her come in just seconds and blushing embarrassingly at how easily she finished.

The night ended with them smiling at each other in that heated bed that was a witness of their love.      

  

 

1966

 

Trixie looked at herself in the mirror and sighed, what was a girl even supposed to wear to grab coffee with her ex? She stared at the yellow dress in the mirror, trying to, through some superior force, make it magically work for the occasion. 

It’s today, she’s going to see her... She couldn't lie to herself, she was feeling more anxious and nervous as the hours passed.

“Are you going on a date?” Jaida asked, leaning on Trixie’s bedroom door.

“No,” Trixie quickly said. “I’m meeting with a friend for coffee.”

“A friend, alright” Jaida said with a knowing smile as she walked to sit on Trixie’s bed. “I’m sure that your friend will like whatever you are wearing.”

“Well, I haven’t seen her in a while, so I’m kind of nervous about that,” Trixie explained turning around to face her friend.

“Oh, we really are talking about a friend,” Jaida said surprised “Well, I’m sure she’s just as excited to see you again as you are Trix.”

“It’s just... The last time we saw each other it wasn’t on the friendliest terms,” she explained sitting next to her friend. “And I don’t know how she’s going to react.”

“You said you haven’t seen each other in a long time, I’m sure whatever happened is a thing of the past,” Jaida tried to make her feel better.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Trixie said standing up with a smile “We’re both grown-ups now, I think she has better things to worry about than a teenage fight.”

“Exactly!” Jaida said smiling cheerfully at her. “Every time I get together with my childhood friends we always laugh about the stupid fights we got into. Specially fights about boys, they can be cute but now we know friends come first”

“Yeah,” Trixie agreed half-heartedly, since she couldn't relate to that at all. She knew that their fight was for something that was totally different from that.

“Anyways...” The brunette said standing up. “I’m sure you girls will have a lovely time and you’ll catch up on everything.” Jaida gave her a squeeze on her shoulder to loosen her up. 

“I’m really excited to see how she is.”

“Then I’ll get out of your way so you can finish getting ready,” Jaida offered her a friendly smile. “At what time are you leaving?”

“I’m meeting her at five, so I should leave around four thirty just to be safe.” 

“Alright, let me know if you need anything,” Jaida said before leaving Trixie’s room.

Finally she chose that yellow pastel dress, it was maybe kinda short for fall but, the stockings might give it a nice touch for her outfit. She styled her curls, in a half ponytail. Her looks couldn’t be complete if she didn’t do her makeup as well: eyeliner, mascara, blush and a peachy lipstick. When she was done, she observed herself in the mirror and wondered why she had put so much effort into it. What are you expecting?  

But there was no more time to waste, and to keep thinking nonsense. She took her coat and purse and left, saying a ‘see you later’ to Jaida. 

 

***

 

Katya was pulsing with anxiety while she was heading towards the café. She’d been fighting internally with herself, thinking if it was right or not to show up. Still, Bianca's words were annoying in her head, making a huge deal about it. 

It’s just a meeting, just to talk about what happened, resolve it, and leave . She was convinced that was the best thing to do, so she could feel better.

Everything that happened that day was chaotic, she was wondering what she should wear, what she should say, what could happen, what Trixie was going to say. Her head couldn't stop for a second. 

She stopped on the sidewalk and looked at her watch: she was ten minutes late. Fuck . She hurried up, since she was just a block away. 

As she got closer and closer to the place where they had agreed to meet, she felt like she was closer to her past in some way. Seeing Trixie again was like turning back time, and that gave her so many bittersweet feelings. How come someone could hold so many great memories and also the worst of them? 

Katya stopped at the cafe door. She felt intimidated, she could turn around and just leave, but there’s always that old question: What if I don’t ?

 

Fuck it, let’s do this

 

Chapter Text

1960

 

If someone had told Katya two months ago that her best friend felt the same as her, and would eventually become her secret girlfriend, she would have laughed at it loudly. 

They were now each other’s other half, and this time it was for real. There was an important dynamic between them, that was born at the same time as their relationship. “We have to be discreet and careful”, this was their motto and they decided to protect themselves until they were no longer under this roof, until they were away from their families and, if they were lucky enough, maybe going to the same college. There was nothing that could stop them, and Katya felt like she could bear anything as long as she had Trixie by her side. 

A new decade had just started, and with it new hopes of a bright future for both of them. Even though their love was young and just starting, for Katya it was the best thing that had ever happened to her. She felt loved, she felt like she mattered, and that Trixie appreciated every part of her. While her parents were there to criticize her mistakes, Trixie just needed to look at her to feel happy.

One cold Friday in January, after their last class, Sister Magdalene had asked her and Trixie - since they were the last ones to leave the classroom - to take all the Bibles that were used in the lesson and store them in the big Library. Their teacher had to rush to the hospital because her mother didn’t feel well, and they agreed.

Since it was late in the afternoon, there was no one at the Bibliotheca, so both of them were talking freely, laughing at dumb comments.  

“You know she only asked us because she only trusts you,” Katya referred to Sister Magdalene. 

“Of course, she always looks at you with literal hate in her eyes, since you always make her furious with your comments.” Both of them giggled, as they stored the books where they usually were. 

“I know, but you have them wrapped around your finger. All of them adore you…” Katya was impressed at how easily the teachers and nuns trusted the other blonde, and had a sweet spot for her. But Trixie wasn’t dumb, she had told her that she did that so her scores were a little bit better, to which Katya replied that she was a psychopath. Still that had an advantage, since they were together all the time, now Katya wasn’t as controlled by the authorities as before. They all left her alone, and it was all thanks to Trixie.

“That’s right, but you haven’t realized that I did that to you as well...” Katya looked at Trixie, who had a sly smile, supporting her sides on the bookshelf. Suddenly, an uncontrollable need to kiss her woke up inside of Katya, but firstly, she checked around the place, and so did the blonde in front of her. 

When they were sure they were alone, both of them met halfway, their lips crushing with each other in a very desired contact. Katya supported her right hand on her jaw and the other one on her waist, so she could bring Trixie closer to her. 

When their bodies were brushing with each other, Trixie moaned slightly on her lips. Katya still had the urge of kissing every spot that was visible, so her neck was the other place that her mouth was exploring. 

“Are you the teacher's pet?” She was teasing her, asking with want as the Midwestern was sighing in desire. 

“Y-Yes…” She replied, nodding senselessly. Katya was already smiling at how easily she had her under control with her movements. 

“Meanwhile you’re acting like a goodie two-shoes in front of everyone and, actually you’re a needy brat, that likes to be touched by me.” Katya wanted to take her to the edge making those comments, but at the same time, she was turned on by this. Her hands wanted to explore Trixie’s body, conforming herself with touching her breasts over her shirt. Trixie was wearing her uniform and that brought her more to the edge, not letting her think in something else than having her in her bed. 

She put her against the bookshelf, and then Trixie asked with the hottest voice she has heard from her yet. “Kiss me.” 

She obeyed, there was nothing that could stop her from doing that. Her lips were like drinking water after a long walk in the desert. She couldn't deprive herself from them.

As their lips were moving in their own accord, so did Trixie’s hips, straddling Katya’s leg, rubbing herself on her. She was sure there was nothing hotter than this view. They were fully clothed, but they were moving as if they had nothing on. 

“Let’s go to our room,” for a brief moment Katya left her lips to say that, and Trixie nodded in a daze, quickly meeting their lips again, concentrating only on that.

 

“GIRLS!” 

 

Katya froze on the spot, feeling like she could faint at any moment. She’d quickly recognized the voice of Sister Mary. Before looking at the older woman, she gazed at Trixie who was meeting her eyes. She was fully panicking and so was Katya.

This can’t be happening , Katya thought. They separated in total fear and as a secondary reaction. She could feel her own desperate breathing, and as she looked by her side, Trixie was shaking, gazing at the floor. She seemed as nervous as her. 

“How do you two dare to do this in the house of God?!” The woman sounded the most severe and angry that she had ever heard and for a moment, Katya was in sheer panic thinking about what could happen now, but the Principal didn’t stop. “Both of you are committing the worst sin that there is, you two are sick and depraved!” The Russian felt the anger build up inside of her, the only sick one was this old decrepit woman who was judging them. “You Katya, I’m not that surprised, but you Trixie, I can’t believe how you could have done this, you’re a disappointment! Now forget about graduating with honors, or expecting to go to a college! I’m very sure your parents are going to be pretty disgusted by this...”  

That’s when the real fear in Trixie came out, quickly trying to interrupt. “No, I’m sorry! It’s not like this at all...!” Katya then frowned, staring at the scared girl in confusion. 

“What do you mean?” The principal asked, without any patience. 

“I-I didn’t do this… Katya started it!” Katya’s jaw dropped in shock as she was listening to her. You could notice that Trixie had a desperate and nervous tone to it, like she was trying to convince the nun in some way. 

“What?!” The older woman seemed confused and she didn’t seem too persuaded. Or that’s what the Russian thought. 

“Yes! I n-never wanted to do t-this…Uh… S-She told me to, she corrupted me!” Katya couldn't believe what she was hearing, she felt like a knife had stabbed her heart, right in that moment. She felt like the walls of their fantasy were falling, along with their dreams in the future. What about their promise, the one about protecting each other? How could Trixie talk like this? How could she betray her in this way? 

Sister Mary stared at the Midwestern in silence, contemplating at what the young girl had said. Meanwhile, Katya couldn't escape from her total shock, not taking her eyes off from the person that she loved as Trixie avoided her eyes, looking at the floor. She wanted to cry, to wake up from this bad dream. If someone had told her that this was going to happen two months ago, she also wouldn't have believed it. 

“Yekaterina, let’s go to my office!” The older woman concluded, signaling with her hand for Katya to walk with her. Her mind wasn’t working properly thanks to the emotional mess that she was in and she looked at the nun, still surprised, but the woman didn’t want to waste any more time. “I said let’s go!” She almost shouted which made her jump and finally move her feet. Before leaving, she glanced at Beatrice whose eyes were alert and seemed confused. Katya hoped that with her gaze, she could show the disappointment and hurt that she felt. 

As she walked to her ‘ballotine’, every step that she took, produced a new silent tear. “I don’t want to hear you cry, you pervert,” the old woman almost whispered cruelly, as she walked with her head hanging low. 

Katya never felt comfortable in a library ever again.  



 1966

 

    

When their eyes met at that café, Katya’s heart stopped for a bit. Trixie was smiling at her as she was seated at a table, waving at her discreetly. Before she could move even further, she had to take a deep breath to encourage herself. You can do this , she told herself. 

As she approached the table, she felt her throat tighten, getting more nervous as she got closer to Trixie. When she was in front of her, the other blonde stood up and suddenly hugged her, taking Katya by surprise, not really knowing how to respond to that. Her arms felt limp at her sides.

But, the other woman didn’t seem to notice, since she immediately said with a cheerful tone “Hi, it’s been so long!” ending the short hug. 

She barely responded with a small ‘Hi’, not really knowing how to act. When they sat down, she had the opportunity to really look at her. The Midwestern looked as delicate and femenine as she remembered, this time she was wearing makeup that enhanced her features. Her face hadn’t change that much, she even looked younger than her age; and in all honesty she was as beautiful as the day that she met her. The Russian cursed at herself for gazing at her gifted chest.

The blonde was irradiating a happy energy, and seemed pretty excited by this encounter. Katya on the other hand, didn’t know what to do with herself. She only came here to resolve this, and get this over with. But destiny never lets her have the things on her way.

“How are you? How is everything? Are you working? Tell me!” The woman in front of her asked with too much contentment, which was throwing her off.

“I-I’ve been fine. I’m an art teacher now…” She went on easy, telling her about her life so far, so she could feel comfortable, but she still felt uneasy, unsure how this conversation would unravel. Suddenly the waiter appeared, asking them what they were going to drink, and both of them chose a cup of coffee. 

Again, they were left alone at that table, and the silence came in. They were sat next to the window and it was a nice spot, almost poetic. She guessed a lot of couples had their first date here. If the context was different, she might have enjoyed this encounter. Trixie seemed to be interested in what she told her. “I would never have guessed you’d become a teacher…”

“Well, me neither, it just happened like that, like a discovery that I made. But other than that, everything's been good. I live in my own apartment now, I work in an elementary school, and when I have time, I meet up with Bianca…”

“Oh my god! Bianca is in Chicago as well?” Trixie smiled brightly,  again with a cheerful tone. Her response was to nod to her question. “That’s great, I really want to see her as well…” 

“What about you?” Katya couldn't help but ask, part of her was really curious to know how her life was. She wondered if what she had wished for as a teenager came true for her. A little part of her also wanted to find out if she had found anyone else.

“Everything’s been awesome! Actually I moved to Chicago a year ago, and I work in a salon.” Now, Katya couldn't understand how that happened.

“As a hairdresser?” She asked with incredulity in her mind.

“Yes, and I’m getting really good at it. The salon is getting very busy lately.” This didn’t make any sense for Katya. Trixie, a person that was obsessed by having the best scores, who could have chosen any college with her qualifications, was working in a salon. How did that happen? Her obsession was so strong that dared to snitch Katya for the sole purpose of saving herself. That already made her raise her an eyebrow, and to be honest, that annoyed her. 

Meanwhile, Trixie kept going, talking about the customers, how sometimes they got the best of her, what she had learned, etc, etc. As she spoke, Katya wasn’t registrering anything that she was saying, all that she could think was how the Midwestern hadn’t mentioned anything of what happened between them. Not a single time, not even a ‘Sorry for fucking it up so hard and ruining your life’.  

She was looking at her as she talked but in reality she wasn’t paying attention. Katya’s face was free of any emotion, as her mind stirred up her memories, her hardships and grudges that she had been through thanks to what she did. Until she decided to stop this.

“Beatrice,” She interrupted her in the middle of a rant that she didn’t care about, and calling her by her full name made Trixie look at her with surprise. “Why did you want us to meet?”

The Midwestern froze in her spot, she seemed throwed off by what she just asked. “Oh because, I wanted us to connect again…”

Katya couldn't avoid the irritated sigh that escaped from her lips. “Honestly, I don’t care about connecting to you again, I came here to talk about what happened, remember? Or do you not remember how you betrayed me?” She asked that question, looking right into her eyes, to make her understand that it wasn’t something to take lightly and it wasn’t clearly resolved. This time, she didn’t have any restrictions to speak her mind. 

Trixie seemed to be speechless after that, and Katya knew that she was in a vulnerable position. Then, after a few silent and awkward seconds, she dared to respond to her. “I-I know we have to talk about that…” Obviously there was a nervous tone in her voice, as she stuttered her words.

“You’re goddamn right we have to talk about it, and we’re going to do it now, because I’m not here to pretend that I’m in a circus of happiness, that I’m fine with you pretending that nothing wrong happened!” Finally she was spitting everything that she was holding since she arrived, her voice raising and not leaving any trail of friendliness in her tone. 

Trixie was losing the control of the conversation and Katya could see it as her body language betrayed her, showing how desperate she was. “I never said that nothing happened.”

“But you sure act like everything is okay, and let me tell you that while you were having a great time, finishing high school, I had to deal with the worst thing that happened in my life!” This time the Russian raised her voice again, the anger was escaping from her lips. Maybe this alerted the other customers at the café, stealing some looks, but she didn’t care at this point. 

“It was the worst thing for me as well,” said the other girl immediately. She probably had tears that were threatening to fall, but Katya didn’t believe her. The audacity of what she was implying made her furious.  

“Oh sure thing, now you’re playing the victim role? Don’t make me laugh!” She was smiling ironically, with an indignant look on her face. She couldn't stand her attitude. Is this woman joking ? What the hell is on her mind

“Katya, can you please listen to me? You didn’t let me speak at all, there’s a lot that you don’t know!” Again, Trixie tried but the smaller girl was done with this nonsense.

“So now you want me to feel sorry for you, poor thing. But know what? I don’t care to know about it,” Katya stood from her chair, leaving a few dollars on the table. “Goodbye Beatrice, please don’t call me again.” 

She turned her back on her, leaving a shocked Trixie on her seat, and heading towards the door. What a waste of time , she thought, walking out of that café with the same anger that she had walked out of that library with.

 

Chapter Text

1960:

 

дома поговорим ” Her father said when they were inside of their blue Cadillac. The Russian girl knew exactly what he meant by we’ll talk at home : ‘prepare yourself to get the biggest lecture for being the worst daughter ever’. 

Her parents had talked to Sister Mary, while she had to wait with her luggage outside of the Principal’s office. By the serious look on her parents’ eyes, she guessed they knew everything. 

That drive to her house was the most silent one that she had ever had in her life. As she was seated in the back, she focused her gaze on the trees that the car passed by on the road. Her cheeks were filled with silent tears, since she was sure her parents, as Sister Mary, wouldn't have liked at all to hear her cry.  

She was devastated. The world was crashing down on her, or that was how she felt. She was kicked out of school like a dog, and now she could never return. All of her friends were there, and none of them knew what had happened. She left without a chance of saying goodbye to them. Nothing. Now, who knew what lie was going to be made up about her expulsion.

The only  question that was on her mind was: why had Trixie done that to her? She was still baffled by the girl’s attitude, and how she didn’t waste a second to point at her and accuse her. Wasn’t she in love with Katya? Or did  she never love her? Apparently not, she guessed. Someone who loved you, wouldn't betray you, or cause you any harm. What a disaster. 

When they arrived at home, she carried her own suitcase, without her father’s help, unlike most times. She entered after them, and they were already waiting for her in the living room. They didn’t even let her unpack, leaving her belongings beside the doorway. 

“Yekaterina! Come here!” Her mother said, with her arms crossed. Yes, ma’am she answered, sitting in front of them, on the couch. Both of them had a severe look in their eyes, and she had to look down in shame; scared at the same time of what was coming to her.

“With all the morals that we taught you in this house, and the best education that you can have, you go and do this! The worst thing that you could do to us and our family. From all the bad things you have done, you had to do this, so the bar can raise even more! Right? And for what? Now you’re expelled, right in the middle of your last year of high school! Congratulations, Yekaterina, good on you!” Her father said sarcastically, and she had never heard him as angered and irritated as now. But what could she say to them? There wasn't anything good to say in her favor, she had been caught. Now, she had to be silent and take in all of these awful words. 

“Did you do it on purpose, was it revenge? Just because we sent you away to that school, did you have to behave like a disgusting dyke?” She clenched her fingers, into a fist, her knuckles turning white at hearing that word. Now her sight was blurring, tearing up in rage. 

“It’s not like that…” She barely muttered, her voice coming out weakly.

“Oh for sure it’s like that, you’re just doing this to make us mad! And that’s what you got! Let me tell you, that’s not going to go the way you like it because your behavior has consequences…” This is what she wasn’t looking forward to. “You’re going to finish high school in a place that we chose. We’re going to control the times you leave and when you get back. You’re not allowed to get together with any of your friends...”

“Dad…” She tried to chime in, to protest but there wasn’t any possibility to talk.

“I didn’t finish, Yekaterina! You’re not going to Boston for college! You’re going to study in Chicago!” Her eyes widened, looking right at her father. “You’re not going to live in a dorm on campus, you’re going to stay here for as long as you go to college for…”

“But Dad!” 

“No buts, Yekaterina! Shut up!” The middle aged man said, raising his voice, screaming at her. Katya got startled, since she never thought that she would see her father react this way. She was sure her neighbors might have heard him. “I don’t want to hear you complain in any way, you understand me? You have no right to say anything against this decision. It’s made, and you should be glad that we didn’t kick you out of this house!” He pointed at her with his finger, his eyes filled with rage. 

“I would prefer that…” She mumbled, and with that, her mother, who had been silent during the whole rant, stood up, approached her and gave her a slap to her face. It was so strong that it made her cheeks sting in pain.  Then, her mother in tears said the next:

“I don’t even know you anymore. You’re a disgrace for the family, and I’m so ashamed of you. Wake up and start acting like an adult. You’re not a kid anymore!” Katya was so shocked, as her hand touched the place where it hurt the most. She gazed at her mother with incredulity in her eyes. 

She couldn't stand it anymore, it was too much for a human being to endure all this punishment. She stood up, running past her parents, climbing up the stairs, desperate to escape from this situation. 

She locked herself in her room, where she finally unloaded all of her pain, releasing a howl filled with agony. She barely made it to her bed, crying on her pillow. The hurt in her chest, the pang that she felt in her heart was the worst one that she’d ever felt. 

It felt like it was the end. The end of her hopes, of her dreams, like there was no tomorrow. All the fucked up stuff that had happened that day from her parents ruining her plans, to the nun expelling her, definitely the most painful one was Trixie blaming her. 

All of this was thanks to her. Trixie had pushed her to this void, to this hell that she was in. Nothing could save her now, only herself. She felt alone, and she had no one to help her. Hopeless and anguished. 

She spent an entire week in her room, crying. She barely ate, barely slept. She only existed, that was her only occupation. She felt locked in this little world where her time was spent drowning in her depression. Still, she was finding a reason to keep fighting, to keep… Living.

After all the pain, all the sorrow… The fury came. What she didn't know back then was that emotion was going to stay with her, deeply in her heart for years. A big resentment in her soul. 

Her first love did her this, the love of her life as she thought. The girl to whom she had trusted her feelings, her fears, her secrets, her love, her whole heart. Trixie had destroyed their plan, her life, the love she had felt for her. Just like that, like nothing mattered. 

If someone like her, the person that she could have given everything to, did that to her, then what could she expect from anyone else? If this was what love supposed to do to you, then she didn’t want to experience it again. 

Trixie had a cold soul to do that, to throw it all in the trash and literally ruin someone that she supposedly loved. After all, she didn’t care about what Katya might have felt, or what she was going through. 

She never got any calls, not even a letter. Nothing. “Fuck Trixie” She whispered to herself on a lonely night on her bed.

 

1966          

 

“Trixie!” Jaida warned her and she didn’t realize that she was filling her cup with too much coffee, which she spilled on the table. 

“Oh shit, sorry…” She apologized, quickly cleaning the surface. They were in their apartment, Monday was just starting and it was their day off. Usually it was one of the calmer days, where they got time to do activities together, buy groceries, do each other’s manicures, or watch a movie. But this morning she wasn’t feeling well again, and it’d been like that for days. 

“It’s okay,” her friend said with a calm tone, her eyes fixed on her and Trixie could feel them. “But you’re not okay, and I can see that. Don’t think that you can fool me, missy.” There was no pressure in her words, only worry. 

The Midwestern sighed and nodded. “I’m not okay.” Since that last Saturday, she had been feeling like shit about how that talk with Katya turned out. It was a disaster. Trixie cried her misery that night on her bed. Her first try to fix everything was a total failure and she only could blame herself for it.

“I can see that, and I’ve been trying not to ask, so I wouldn't be that intrusive with your personal problems, but after all, I’m your friend. I see that you’re in pain, and I just can't sit here and watch you suffer on your own,” Jaida commented, reaching her hand over the table and squeezing it warmly.

Her friend was right. She just wanted to help, but what if telling her the whole truth was a mistake? What if her friend treated her differently after it?  The brunette didn’t know about her love for women, and not only was it hard to come out to her but, telling her what she did to Katya. 

However, Jaida was an amazing person, she couldn't hide it from her just because she would think the worst of her. “Okay I'll tell you…” She took a deep breath, not really knowing how to start this conversation. Jaida, meanwhile, had her whole attention on her. “It’s a long story though”

“I have all day,” her friend smiled at her, her gaze serene, and that made her feel at ease.

“Remember the friend that I was going to meet last Saturday?”

“Yeah, what’s wrong with her?”

“Well, we used to go to high school together. We had a big fight and she got expelled because of me. And I still feel guilty about it..” Trixie looked down in shame, fidgeting with her fingers.  

“But what happened? What did you do?” Jaida questioned with patience, later sipping on her coffee.

“Something that’s not easy to forgive…” Again the Midwestern was hesitating, second guessing if she was ready to tell her.  

“Did you steal a dress from her?” The brunette tried, with a comical tone, to ease her.

“No.”

“Did you kill her whole family?”

“No,” Trixie snorted at the exaggerated suggestion that her friend made. 

“And then what can be worse than that?” 

“It’s not that easy to explain… W-We...” Fuck this was hard, the last time that she said at loud that she was lesbian, was with Katya, back in high school. 

“Trixie, just say it. It’s okay!” She didn’t know what her friend meant by that, but after all, it made her continue. 

“We weren’t friends… We were… Uh-” She was vacillating again, acting like a kid that had done something wrong. 

“Oh…” Her friend's mouth opened round like an ‘o’, taken aback by that. Then, her eyes widened, like at first she hadn’t gotten what Trixie was suggesting  “OHH!” 

“Yeah...” The blonde, cleared her throat.

Seconds later, it seemed that Jaida finally registered what she confessed. “Oh my god this is so dramatic, I need to know what happened!”

The midwestern, frowned. “Wait a minute, you’re not upset about it?” She asked, surprised.  

“No, why would I be? Just because you like girls? That’s dumb. Nothing changed, you’re still my friend!” 

Trixie felt like she could breathe now, she was so glad about how her friend had reacted to it. It wasn’t easy to find that kind of understanding. “I-Thanks Jaida.” She even felt that her bond could grow even more now, since that was the only thing that the brunette didn’t know about her.

“Why are you thanking me? It’s not necessary, don’t be silly girl. In fact, thanks for being brave and telling me this… But now, tell me all about it.” The blonde felt moved by her attitude and also safe.  

“Sure. Well, I changed schools in the last year. My mother sent me to this catholic boarding school, outside of Chicago, you might know it… Woodlands Academy of the Sacred Heart?” She started her story. 

“Oh wow, yes! That’s a fancy school. I didn’t know your family was rich...”

“They weren’t, I was accepted thanks to a scholarship, since my grades were pretty good.”

“Wow that’s really impressive!” The brunette said sincerely. 

“Thanks. Well, as I was saying, this girl, Katya, was my roommate. We became friends quickly, she was really lovely, funny and kind to me. We were together all the time, and for the first time in my life I felt like I was seen by someone. She was so different from all of the girls that I knew, and she was unapologetically herself. Weird and quirky, and so hilarious, Jaida, you have no idea.” When she looked at her friend she had a sweet smile on her face.

“It seems you were really in love with her, huh? I can just feel it, the way you talk about her…” 

“Well, yes I really fell in love with her. But I’ve never had the opportunity to tell her”

“Oh that’s unfortunate… Why?”

“Everything happened so fast, and I was really careful about it, I remember I was planning on telling her soon, but that day arrived and ruined everything,” she said, her gaze lowering to her own hands.

“Okay, so... What happened between you two?”

“One day we were taking these books to the library, and since we were alone, we started to uh… kiss. When we were about to leave, the Principal, who was a nun, caught us.”

“Oh no, that’s so awful. I feel for you two…”

“At that moment, I thought that it couldn't get any worse. But I was wrong. When she caught us, she told me that I should forget about going to college and that my parents were going to find out…”

“What a bitch!” Jaida said with all honesty, and Trixie agreed, nodding.

“I know, so as can you imagine, I was so scared that I… Fuck, I still find it hard to say…I put all the blame in Katya.” 

“What?” Jaida's eyes were wide, taking her by surprise.

“Yeah, I know. That’s what happened and she got so mad at me, since she was expelled and I wasn’t. I threw her under the fire and she had to deal with it on her own. I still can’t forget her gaze from that day, it was filled with pain and anger.”

“I can understand her, and I also can understand you… You were trying to protect yourself.” Jaida said, stating her opinion.  

“Yes, but still, it was all in vain. I didn’t get into college, so that obviously made me feel even worse about what I did. I lost my opportunity to stay by her side. Now can you understand why I was so nervous to see her?”

“I can totally understand. But tell me, what happened when you met her?” 

“It was bad, really bad. Remember that I thought that maybe she might have forgotten about it?”

“Yeah”

“Well she didn’t, I felt her so distant and cold. It was a different Katya, she never smiled. Not even once.” It was awkward now that she thought about it, the Russian never looked like she was comfortable and she seemed hesitant to be there. Trixie didn't realize it at the moment, being too absorbed in seeing her again. In fact, she couldn't stop gazing at her blue eyes, her cute haircut, her cherry lips… 

“I mean, now that I know everything, I can probably understand why she is still mad. But did you talk about the issue?”

“Actually, I started talking about ourselves, and our lives but I did all of that just to catch up and so we could both feel comfortable and it was the worst idea I had, since that made her mad. She got angry that I didn’t talk about what we should have talked about. She even said that she didn’t care about connecting with me again, and that I… Shouldn't call her ever again.” Her lips trembled when she said that last sentence, barely holding her tears, which made her friend stand up and hug her for a moment. When the hug ended, Jaida tried to comfort her.

“I’m so sorry Trixie, I’m sure she didn’t mean it. I mean, I don’t know her but I can guess that she’s still hurt and maybe she said that out of anger…” Her friend tried to reason with her. 

“Maybe, but what if she really doesn’t want to see me anymore? I was just trying to fix things and I made it even worse.”

“But it wasn’t on purpose, and I really think that she should give you an opportunity to speak, and tell her your truth. You were young when everything happened, and people make mistakes. Trixie, you’re a great person and you deserve to be happy. Things might not be the same with her, but at least if you find a way to talk to her, you can let go all of this guilt that’s inside of you.” Those words made her feel a little bit more calmer in that moment, her friend could have a point. Maybe there were still chances to repair the damage that she had done.  

“Thanks Jaida, that’s what I wish. I had so many sleepless nights, thinking about her and what I’ve done… I’ve been waiting for this moment so I could mend it all.”

“You will, and I’ll try to help you as much as I can. Maybe we can come up with an idea.” The brunette had a mischievous smile on her face, who knew what plans she had.



1960

 

“If you’re going to stay young lady, there’s a few things you have to do,” the principal said, gazing seriously at the Midwestern. 

Trixie was done with this. She just wanted to see Katya, but instead she was stuck here, in Sister Mary’s office. The girl had a few dried tears in her face, from all the crying that day. 

All that she could think about was what Katya said just a few moments ago: “ Don’t talk to me again!”. Her face, that was usually smiling brightly for her, this time had hurt written all over her. She had to do something, Katya had to listen to her. 

“Beatrice! I’m talking to you!”

“Yes, what do I have to do?” She was barely paying attention to anything that she said.

“First of all, you’re not going to have another roommate for the rest of the year. Secondly, you’re not going to tell the other students what happened between you and Yekaterina. If you ever say the truth, you’ll be expelled. I already have a story that you can tell to them…” She had to play the game and go along with it, so Trixie nodded. 

She just wanted to get out of here, and when Sister Mary ended her rant, and she was finally dismissed, she stood up and left the room. As soon as she closed that door, she started running, heading towards their bedroom. 

Those halls were so long that it seemed that she was never going to reach the shared room. When she got there, heaving and desperate, she opened the door rapidly. Katya was gone, and Trixie started panicking.  When she checked on her stuff all of her belongings were gone. 

There was a last hope. Maybe she was still at the school. Quickly she left the room, starting to look for her around the institution. Thankfully all of their classmates were at the church, in the middle of a mass. No one was a witness of what had happened. That’s when she realized that maybe that was why the other nun had found them, searching for them in the Library so they would go to the ceremony. 

As the search continued, she was getting desperate. When she didn’t find her in the theater, she wondered where else she could be. It was literally impossible for her to have gone so quickly. Then, as she was going back to the administrative area, again where Sister Mary’s office was, she saw a couple entering the school. Both of them looked somehow familiar until she realized that they were Katya’s parents. 

A light of hope awoke inside of her, guessing that the Russian was still in the property. But as soon as she was about to turn the corner, following Katya’s parents, Sister Diane, the oldest one of all the nuns - and also Sister Mary’s right hand - told her to stop.  

“But why?” Trixie asked immediately, desperately. 

“You’re not allowed to see Yekaterina, you’re going to the library with me and you’ll wait there until she’s gone,” the nun declared with a poker face, almost without any emotion in her voice.

“Please Sister, please let me talk to her,” she begged, hoping that there was some compassion in the woman.  

“No, you’re coming with me!” Then the older woman took her by the wrist and escorted her, as she had said, to the library. The Midwestern was desperate to get close to the blonde, the girl that she loved. If she didn’t do anything else, she was going to leave with the worst impression ever. If only she could know that she was mortified about what she said, that she would do anything to take those words back, that it was a huge mistake, that she was so in love with her, that she was willing to escape with her and live freely in a place without any judgment, any rule, any hatred.

Soon she was in that huge room that in so many moments she loved, but now it was just only a place that held a negative connotation. The nun closed the door and locked it, staring at Trixie with cold eyes and leaving her alone in that place.  

Her instinct was to escape but there was no way of going out of there. Her gaze landed on the windows, and that’s what she approached. When she got in front of one, she realized how impossible it could be to open it, so she was giving up. 

 

One, two, three…  

 

A sob escaped from her, a genuine one, filled with regret and frustration. It was just a matter of seconds to realize that she was crying uncontrollably, as she stood in front of that glass.

When her tears were subsiding, she looked with more attention outside and the realization came: there’s a blue Cadillac outside. She guessed that it was Katya’s parents' car. Literally it was the only one that was parked in front of the building. Since the Library was on the first floor, she had a good view and actually, the car was pretty close to her, maybe eight or ten yards away from her.

So she waited, who knows how long, probably half an hour, and Katya came out. She couldn't see her properly, since she had her head hung low as she carried her suitcase. Her parents had a severe look on their face and she could imagine why, that fucking nun. 

As they got closer to the car, she got more desperate. “Katya, Katya, Katya!” She banged on the window with her hands, making noise so she would look at her, but to her dismay, she didn’t hear her. However her mother did, sending a cold look at Trixie, who felt even threatened by it. But that wouldn't stop her. 

“Katya, baby look at me!” She tried to cry at her, to even shout, anything that could help. Not even a glance, nothing. When she closed the door of her car, she felt a pang in her chest. 

When she least expected, the car was driving away from her sight and she could feel how her legs shook, distressed at seeing her go.

She didn't realize that she wasn't alone. “You should go back to your room, Beatrice” Suddenly the Principal said. A long sigh came out from her lips, as the tears kept falling, and she nodded. 

There was no reason to keep fighting or causing a scene to the older woman. It was all done. Katya left and there was no way she’d come back. So, she obeyed, heading towards her room. 

At that time, the students were heading out to eat dinner - as they always did after the mass- , so Bianca, Violet and Adore met her. 

“Trixie, have you seen Katya?” Violet first asked and then, she might have realized that she wasn’t okay at all and then asked: “Wait, are you okay? What happened?” 

“I-I’m not okay… Katya was expelled.” She didn’t dwell that much and she directly told them.

“What?!” The three of them asked, scandalized. Trixie couldn't look at them in the face, she just stared at the floor. 

“She was caught smoking so… Uh sister Mary called her parents and now she just left.” She told them the version that the nun had told her to say. 

“Oh my god, that fucking witch!” Violet was protesting, her voice sounded so upset and mad. Typical of her.

“But how did that happen? Where did she catch her?” Adore started asking and she wasn’t in the mood for explaining anything. 

“I don’t know girls, I really don’t want to talk about it, I need to be alone.” She avoided them, heading again to her room.

“But Trixie!” Violet again chimed in and Bianca thankfully stopped her. 

“Girls, lets give her a break, I’m sure there’s an explanation.”

Rapidly she closed herself in that small space, just to be alone with herself. She wanted to disappear, to be anywhere else but here. If only she could see her again, to hug her and plead her forgiveness. To be in her arms, without any restrictions or fear of just existing together.          

 

1966

 

Katya sighed as she went inside her apartment. She knew that meeting up with Trixie was a bad idea, but of course her dumb brain had to be caught off guard and say yes. The Russian couldn’t wait to call Bianca and let her know how wrong she was, this didn’t help her move on, it just made her grow angrier every time Trixie opened her mouth.

The blonde grabbed the phone from the wall and dialed her friend’s number, as she waited for Bianca to pick up she walked towards the cabinets to grab a pot to start cooking. She was starving. 

“Hello?” Her friend said from the other side of the line.

“Ding dong, you were wrong,” Katya sang without even saying hello back.

“Well, that’s new! Are you sure?” 

“Yes, she didn’t want to apologise, she just wanted to act like nothing happened,” Katya complained, filling the pot with water. “I’m not going to just forget about everything just because she was wearing a yellow dress that made her boobs look amazing.”

“So you’re telling me that you finally saw Trixie and after all these years and the first thing you do is stare at her boobs?” Bianca asked laughing.

“Ugh, not the point,” Katya groaned. “She just sat there and talked about her job and asked about me like it was a fucking first date.”

“And it wasn’t?”

“Bianca…”

“Sorry, I’ll behave I promise,” the brunette apologized. “Tell me everything, I won’t interrupt.”

“When I got to the café she was already there, we said hello... It was super awkward, B,” Katya started relating to her friend trying not to screw up the dinner. “And I thought the best course of action would be for her to apologise, I don’t ask for much, do I? Am I crazy? This is the part where you say I’m right, B.”

“I said I wasn’t going to interrupt,” Bianca pointed out, making her friend sigh. “I’m not giving my opinion until I have all the facts.”

“Well, she didn’t apologise, obviously,” Katya said going back to chopping onions. “She just asked me about my job, and how long have I been in Chicago as if I had any chance of leaving after high school. And then… The fucking icing on the fucking cake, B...” Katya said as she felt the anger bubble inside her. “Do you know what she said? I would never have guessed you’d become a teacher like that was some sort of lifelong secret dream I had!”

“Ha! Can you imagine? I think you were high when you took that job.” Bianca laughed

“I wasn’t high, just desperate to get out of my parent’s house,” Katya sighed. “I couldn’t stand another weird date set up by my parents with some guy from their church.”

“But they were such a catch!” Bianca mocked her “How can we forget young Robert, on his way to be a CEO, also known as an underpaid intern, who spent half his salary on weed?”

“He didn’t spend his salary on weed, he sold weed, remember?” Katya corrected her while washing some of the dishes she had gotten dirty while cooking. “The look on my mother’s face! I still find it surprising how she found a way to put the blame on me, when we only saw each other once!”

“Well, you are the devil’s child, so it’s understandable that your mom thinks you had some overpowering force over him after one conversation.”

“Anyways,” Katya said, going back on track, “I was waiting for her to say something, anything about what happened, but not a word.”

“And then I imagine you very calmly told her that you were hurt by her actions.”

“Exactly.”

Both stayed silent for a few seconds, knowing damn well Katya was lying.

“You snapped didn’t you?” 

“Yes, but in my defense she really looked like she had forgotten about it or something,” Katya said defensively. “She was so calm and happy to be there that it made me uncomfortable, because if she was calm it meant that what was for me probably one of the worst moments of my life, for her it was just another day!”

“I don’t think that’s the case, Kat,” Bianca tried to reason with her. “Maybe the happiness of seeing you was bigger than the nervousness.”

“Oh, come on, B!” Katya exclaimed, rolling her eyes. “Either way you can’t just ignore the issue. She knows it hurt me, that I got fucking expelled for it, fucked up my future and all, and not even a simple ‘Hey Katya, I’m sorry I threw you under the bus back then, that was a bitchy thing to do, wasn’t it?’  I’m not asking for a lot, just an apology, two fucking words!”

“Well…”

“That’s not even the worst part,” Katya interrupted her. “She even had the audacity of saying it was hard for her as well, you know what? Fuck that, I sure hope it was hard for her. But even if it was, she wasn’t the one who got expelled, she wasn’t the one whose parents would look at her like she was a monster, she wasn’t the one having to endure years and years of her mother barely speaking to her. I’ll be damned before she gets to play the victim here, she screwed me over without hesitation.”

“You sound mad.”

“I am mad!”

“Well, last I remembered Trixie was a smart girl, figured she would have some emotional intelligence as well.”

“Like I said, you were wrong,” Katya said, opening a bottle of wine and pouring a glass for herself.

“I’m not used to being wrong,” Bianca said. Katya could practically see her frown. “I’m sure there’s more to it and she’ll apologise, bouquet of roses and all.” 

“I fucking hope she does so I can kindly decline”

“Katya…” Bianca said but the Russian interrupted her.

“I’m done with this subject,” she said, throwing her hands in the air as if her friend could see it. “I’m so over Trixie Mattel and everything that surrounds her”

“Yeah I can tell…” Bianca chuckled.

“What is that supposed to mean?” 

“Nothing, Kat, nothing at all...” 

 

Chapter Text

1960

 

Her gaze was fixed on one of her pencils, not really looking at anything interesting on it. It was just a regular red pencil that she was putting all of her attention on, instead of focusing on classes. 

“What year was it? Does anyone know? Beatrice?” Sister Isabel asked, looking at her and the blonde didn’t know what the hell she had said. She wasn’t paying any attention to the lesson at all, the voice of her teacher had been just white noise for her. The Midwestern opened her mouth but she immediately closed, feeling stupid for daring to ask what was the question about. 

“Blair?” The woman averted her gaze to her classmate who had raised her hand to reply. Trixie despised her.

“It was in 1915, and it was sunk by the Germans because they thought there were  carrying war munitions for the English,” the other blonde responded. 

“Exactly, that’s the year that the Lusitania sank…” Before the nun turned her back on her students to write on the chalkboard, she gave Trixie a weird look. 

She felt herself flush in shame for being distracted lately, but there was no way that she could focus on classes. It’d been like that for days and days, and it felt in that moment that there was no way she could recover herself from what happened.

Every evening after dinner she had to go back to their room, alone. That on its own, was so hard for her. The bedroom felt empty, cold, monotonous without her. Trixie tried to avoid saying her name because she knew that it was a matter of seconds before she cried. 

Her eyes would always land on that lonely bed, where she wished that those platinum blonde waves would appear, where she wished to hear a voice saying to her: Good morning, Trix . And that smile, that one that made her heart race so many times. She wished to see it just once.

It was like falling slowly into this dark void and there was no way that she could stop or get out of it. Her mind was fueling all of her horrible thoughts again and again: it’s my fault, she was expelled because of me, I’m a selfish idiot, I don’t deserve to stay here, she does .

Trixie daydreamed every day, thinking about her, how she was, what she was doing. She wondered if Katya was okay, what her parents might have told her, if she already started in a new school, and the most important question: Did she hate Trixie now?

Those four walls gave her enough time to reconsider everything that she had done, to think a way of how she could have done this better. That made her brain a chaos, only feeding the culpability that she felt on the inside. 

It was February and the snow was still there, painting the school and surroundings in an almost angelical white. Somehow she didn’t feel like sharing her time with anyone on recess. Instead of talking to any of the girls, she walked in silence towards a calmer place to be alone with her thoughts.

As her head hung low, watching her own feet move, stomping on the snow, she found herself in one of the places that were the furthest from the dorms, behind the gymnasium. 

When she turned the corner, she saw someone she wasn’t expecting to see: Bianca. Both of them seemed to be so surprised by it, almost scaring each other. The brunette as a reflex almost dropped the cigarette that she was smoking. 

“Oh, it’s only you…” Bianca said, seeming calmer now that she had seen her classmate, taking another drag out of the nicotine. The blonde just nodded, and before she could move, deciding on leaving, the other girl said: “Please stay, I would like some company. This feels so boring without Katya…”

Trixie swallowed. It’d been a while since she had heard her name out loud; avoiding the tears as soon as she could. Even if she wanted to, she couldn’t pronounce it. She supported her back against the walls of the building, looking down again at her shoes not really knowing how to respond to the other girl.  

“Are you okay?” Suddenly her thoughts were interrupted by Bianca who was asking something that was so hard to answer. “You have been kinda distracted in classes, that’s not really common of you…”

“Yeah, it’s been kinda rough…” The blonde confessed, feeling a lump in her throat, knowing that she couldn't say more than that to her classmate.  She had to hide her pain, not to be obvious to anyone, or her feelings might be shown. Trixie just had to act, trying to be strong on the outside, but it was so hard. “I just uh-... Miss her.” Some truthfulness escaped through her lips. 

Bianca exhaled a cloud of smoke, her gaze lost somewhere into the forest; sharing the sentiment with her. “Me too.” 

The blonde closed her eyes tightly, clenching her fist, trying so hard to avoid, again, any tears to fall in front of the brunette. She took a deep breath, tired of hiding her emotions, fighting with herself. After all she had to console herself since Katya had gone. “Bianca, can I hug you?” Her question was almost desperate as she now looked at the girl who was smoking, she needed to feel some warmth to calm her disturbed soul. 

Bianca seemed taken aback for what she had asked her but nonetheless, she was quick to reply. “Sure, Trix” A small smile was on her lips, smashing the cigarette on the ground with her shoe. After that, the brunette approached her, giving her a soft hug. Trixie sighed, closing her eyes again.  

Even though she didn’t have Katya in her arms, this hug at least was an attempt to heal her saddened heart. She wanted to believe that everything was going to be okay, but that was hard to do at that moment.

The thing is, Trixie didn’t know it then, but things were going to get worse. 

 

1966

 

"Don't you think it would be a good idea to go out to a bar tonight?" Jaida asked as they had a small break in the salon. There were only a couple of clients booked for the rest of the day, and they were waiting for them to arrive. 

"I'm not really in the mood for it." Trixie couldn't help but reply with honesty, sighing afterwards. Her friend sighed as a reaction and she expected that. 

"C'mon girl, let's do something fun. You have been working and going home and that's it. You need to relax, that maybe can help you to feel better…" Jaida proposed again, and she was right, but she couldn't force herself to do something that she didn't want to do. 

"I'm sorry but I can't… I just can't." There was barely any energy in her voice.

"Okay, how about doing the plan that I told you about? To stop feeling this way, you have to find a solution." The brunette argued and she couldn't say no, she had a point. 

"What if it doesn't work?" She frowned, with doubt in her eyes, and a little bit of fear in her voice. 

"You won't know until you try it," Jaida was crossing her arms in front of her, she was right again. She closed her eyes, considering about doing it. If she was being honest, she couldn't spend another day like this. Feeling like shit. Her mind was making her go insane with what she did and how bad she fucked it up last week. 

Her head finally decided. "Would you give me the rest of the day off?" Trixie opened her eyes, looking with mercy at the brunette. "Please, I'll talk to her now." 

"Sure, go now," Jaida smiled, giving her a little squeeze to the shoulder, being, as always, a very supportive friend. 

"Oh thank you Jaida, you're a saint!" 

In a matter of seconds she took off her uniform, putting her coat on and going outside, saying goodbye to her friend before opening the door. 

She had the address written in a piece of paper for a few days and it was saved in her coat, like it was waiting for her to use it. She took a cab, since she didn't know where  exactly it was. Her hands were fidgety, thanks to her nervous energy, her legs shaking in the car. 

Finally, she arrived at the house. She knocked on the door and waited anxiously in front of it. The person she was looking for came out: Bianca. 

"Trixie?" The other woman asked with obvious surprise in her eyes. "What are you doing here?" 

"Hi Bianca! It's been so long! Uh, I need to talk to you," she said, clearly unsure about what she was doing, but she wouldn't give up easily. 

"Uh sure, um - get in!" The woman said, giving her space at the doorway and Trixie did. 

It was all Jaida’s idea, after she knew that Katya had a best friend, and that was also Trixie’s classmate in the past. Maybe you can talk to her, and ask her to help you with her. That’s what her roommate had suggested, and for now it was her only idea, or plan to solve her mistake. 

Soon, there were a couple of cups filled with tea in the living room of Bianca's house. 

"So you're a seamstress?" Trixie asked the other woman. Bianca looked serene and calm, more than she used to remember her to be. She had always been the wise one of the old group back in high school, well, as wise as you can be when you were eighteen. 

"Yeah, I design and make costumes for plays and musicals for the local theaters." 

"That's so impressive… Now I'm interested in going to one of those plays." Trixie was surprised but for some reason, she felt like that fit her.  

"Sure, I can always get you a ticket," a small smile was on the brunette’s face.

"That would be awesome…" She replied with honesty.

"So, um, what did you want to talk about?" Bianca brought it up, who seemed very curious about her presence. Trixie was glad she was the first to ask.

"Bianca, to be honest, I need your help. I really do. I don't know if Katya told you, but we talked last week…" Trixie started to explain, hesitant how to approach the subject. 

"Yeah I know. Actually, I know everything that happened,” Bianca immediately let her know. 

“Oh.” For a second she was surprised but at the same time she wasn’t. It made sense that Katya had told her everything that had happened. 

“Yeah and let me tell you something, if you’re trying to get me to intercede between you and Katya, that’s going to be almost impossible to happen…” The brunette raised a finger, showing the blonde that she wasn’t going to be easy to persuade. 

Trixie sighed and begged her. “Bianca, please, I don’t know what else to do…”

“Maybe saying sorry? Even though I liked you back in high school, Katya was firstly my friend and she still is until this day. Recently, she told me the truth about what happened between you two and I’ve got to say, that she doesn’t owe you anything. Not even forgiving you… At first I was glad that you two were going to talk and maybe fix this fight but after what happened the other day… Girl...” The woman in front of her rolled her eyes and Trixie couldn't blame her. 

“I know, I’m so stupid… But I swear Bianca, that I instantly regretted what I did to her and she has to listen to me, at least one last time… And then she can make the decision of forgiving me or not…” 

“Why should she listen to you again?” The brunette frowned, but her question wasn’t hostile. She seemed genuinely interested. 

“Because she has to know my side of the story, she has to know what I did wasn’t on purpose… That I’ll do anything for her to give me an opportunity to listen to me.”

“What’s your side of the story?” The woman in front of her asked with curiosity in her eyes. “Please, drink some tea and take your time. You’re incredibly nervous…” Trixie nodded, doing what the other woman said, taking a deep breath and starting to tell her side and Bianca listened with patience. She lost track of the time, but this time she let everything out to her, since the other woman seemed to become more friendly as the talk progressed. Even though she hadn’t seen her former classmate for years, that chat felt like one she would have with a long-time friend. 

Finally, the other woman gave her insight on what she told her. “Trixie, I’ve been next to Katya all of these years, and I know that she has suffered a lot. Even till this day she does. I don’t think it’s going to end until you two talk truthfully to each other. I just want her to be happy, Katya deserves it. And now that I’ve seen you again, I can just tell how much you have been affected by it too. You’re not a bad person, you just made a mistake, and that’s just life. I don’t think it’s also fair for you to have this as a constant reminder of what you did wrong, you know?” The blonde nodded, getting emotional thanks to the words the brunette chose. She just understood it all, her pain and her sorrow. Trixie hoped that Katya would understand her too. She bit her lip, trying to avoid the tears that were threatening to fall. 

“Thank you, Bianca, for being understanding. I really appreciate it,” the Midwestern muttered, her voice getting weaker at the end of that sentence. For the first time, Bianca squeezed her hand in sympathy, smiling slightly at her. 

When she recomposed herself, the other woman asked something that she wasn’t expecting. “Would you like to talk to her now?” 

“I-Uh… Yes!” She didn’t know if she was ready or not but she knew if she kept waiting for that day, it would never happen. It was better for her to just do it now so she could finally resolve this. 

“Okay, I know she must be at home right now. We’re going to do this: I’ll talk to her and then I’ll let you girls talk, okay?” Bianca proposed to her.

“Okay, sounds good to me.” And with that said, both of them took their coats and went outside. 

“She lives pretty close from here, so we’re going to walk. I think that’ll help you to relax as well.” Trixie nodded timidly and they started to make their way to Katya’s place. The afternoon was so cold, as fall was streaking with all of it’s force; making her shiver and grip her coat more tightly.   

Bianca was right. That walk certainly helped, as she followed the other woman, she started to put her ideas in order, what she was going to say to the other blonde; feeling the anxiety on her fingertips. 

As she was lost in her thoughts, they finally arrived. “This is her building…” Bianca declared, pressing the button to Katya’s apartment. 

“Hi?” From the other side, the woman answered. 

“Katya, it’s me, B,” Bianca answered immediately. 

“Hi, you bitch, get in!” Katya answered, and that almost made Trixie giggle, easing her, her tension going a bit. 

But when they entered the building, she stopped on her tracks. Bianca looked at her, confused and worried at the same time. “What’s wrong?”

Trixie was about to do it, to talk to her. This was it, there was no turn back. Suddenly she hugged the brunette, which seemed to take the other woman off guard, since she reacted a bit late, but afterwards she wrapped her arms around her. “Thank you, Bianca” 

“It’s okay, I’m doing this for both of you, mainly for her. Please don’t make me regret it. Okay?” As an answer, the Midwestern nodded. 

“I won’t let you down, I swear.” Bianca ended the hug and gave her a little smile.

“Let’s go then.” 

They whole way until they arrived at her door seemed eternal for her. Before the brunette knocked, she told Trixie to stay beside the door, so Katya wouldn't see her immediately.  Soon she heard her voice.

“Hey B, were you missing my loser’s ass?” The response of the seamstress was to snort.

“Actually no, you’re so stubborn I can’t stand you”

“Shut up, you love me, now get in!” Trixie just guessed this was their dynamic now, since when they were young, both of them didn’t speak to each other in this way.

“Uh I can’t, I was just passing by…  There was something I wanted to ask you…”

“What’s wrong?” Katya might have read Bianca’s serious face, or her tone.  

“I want you to talk to someone…”

“What? Who?” The Russian seemed confused.

The brunette gave her the cue and slowly, Trixie stood next to Katya’s friend. When the other blonde laid her eyes on her, she rolled her eyes and Trixie felt a pang on her chest. It made second guess if she was ready for this conversation or not. 

Right after that, the Russian looked at the seamstress. “Bianca, why-?” 

“Listen, let’s just get this over with. You both need to talk. You know it Katya, you need to resolve this.” The Russian fell silent, and Trixie got the impression that she didn’t know how to protest at that; opening her mouth to speak but she closed immediately. After a few seconds of tension and silence, the blue eyed woman finally made room at the doorway, giving her the opportunity to get in. 

Internally, the hairdresser felt a huge relief. Katya let her in, they were going to finally talk. When she passed her by the door, she muttered a small ‘thanks’. 

“Okay, I’m leaving. Please talk this through, like adults.” Bianca declared, but with her voice, it seemed like a threat. The smaller woman replied.

“We will B, bye.” And as she closed the door, Trixie hoped for the same. 

 

Chapter Text

1966

 

It was the first time that she was at Katya’s apartment but clearly, she was nervous as hell to pay any attention to the place, since their eyes were meeting timidly but tensely across the room. There was a deep silence that she was hesitant to break.

Until Katya spoke. “Let’s uh- sit,” she mumbled, unsure, gesturing to the couch, where Trixie joined her afterwards. The Russian this time was wearing something comfortable, different from how she had seen her before, just to be at home. There was also no trace of makeup on her face and still, she looked so beautiful. It was effortless and natural, making her heart flutter. Some things hadn’t changed with the years. 

“So I’m going to start,” suddenly Katya took the initiative, and Trixie cursed herself for not doing it first. “You know what happened after that day?” She asked, quickly answering herself. “As you know, I got expelled. But turns out that wasn’t enough for my parents so… They scolded me as you can expect, but that time, it was really rough for me. They started to control me, from what time I got out of my house until I got back, not really letting me see any of my friends.  They didn’t even let me go to Boston for college, so they forced me to stay in Chicago with them, and I didn't even get the chance of living on campus so… I had to go back every day to the ‘prison’ as I called my own home…” Now she understood why Katya had stayed, and of course, it wasn't her own choice. Trixie knew very well how much she desired to study in Boston, where the rest of Katya’s family was. Back then, they had even planned on going together. “That fucking nun told them everything that day, and they looked at me with disgust and hate for ages! Just think about it, Trixie, that I didn’t have any privacy, that I didn't get the chance to go to a party, or even a normal date. I only went outside to attend classes and then I had to go back to study, study and study… I didn’t have a life!” The other woman explained, with an indignant look in her eyes. Knowing now what had happened to Katya, made her understand the whole situation with more clarity, and why she was still upset until this day. It was completely valid.  She felt so sorry for her, even guiltier for it.

“I didn’t know Katya, I’m so heartbroken for everything that I’ve caused…” She had to look down in shame. Bianca had warned her, there was so much that she didn’t know and that was the reason why Katya had treated her in that way. But she knew that in some way she could change this situation and make it better for them from now on. “I swear I regretted those words when they came out, immediately. When Sister Mary told me that I wasn’t going to go to college… And not only that, that she was going to tell my parents, I freaked out…” 

“I freaked out too, and I still kept my mouth shut!” Katya commented with a slight bitter tone in her voice, her eyes showed how annoyed she was.

“I know, I know, but college was my only way out Katya! My family didn’t have the money for it, and surely I didn't want to return to that house. I was studying hard to get a scholarship and I didn’t want to lose it. That’s why the first thing that came out from my lips was that… And still it was the worst thing I could have done.  I felt pressured at that moment, not only by losing  our relationship but also by not knowing what could happen to my future. Still, after all of that, I didn't get into college…”

“What?! Why?” Katya seemed intrigued by this, her eyes still suspicious.

“My grades started to get worse after you were expelled. At that point I felt so bad, so guilty every day that I was stressing out more and more. I just didn’t feel like going to classes, I lost any motivation that I had. So when I graduated, not even one college gave me a scholarship. I dug my own grave at that point. So I had to go back to Wisconsin...” When she gazed at the woman beside her, she seemed to be taking in the information that she just gave her. Her gaze seemed lost, there was confusion in her eyes.

“Did your mom ever find out about it? I mean… Us?” Katya asked, still not meeting her gaze, considering Trixie’s words. 

“No, that’s the only thing that I was lucky enough that she never found out. Being in that place again was already enough to endure. I found a job, and saved every penny for years until I got out of there. I came to Chicago and I finally felt free...” This time, the other blonde didn’t respond. She just listened to her, and Trixie got the impression that she was understanding her side of the story. There was silence for a moment. 

Katya sighed after a while, and asked out of nowhere. “Do you want something to drink?” 

“Water is fine.” It seemed to be a good excuse to have a break. Trixie still felt tense, and even Katya seemed to be as well. The other blonde stood and filled a couple of glasses with water. Returning to the couch, shortly after. 

The water was welcomed to her throat, since she still had a knot in it. Her eyes landed on her again, and Katya looked as if she was contemplating, maybe thinking restlessly. After a long pause, the blue eyed girl continued with another question. “Why did you never call me?” 

Trixie was confused but she immediately responded. “I did.” 

The woman in front of her didn't seem to believe her, frowning and still skeptical. "When? I never knew that… "

"A month after you left. I called your parents house… " The Midwestern insisted, being honest.

"But how? How did you get the number?"  

If you only knew , Trixie thought. But after all, if she was here, she had to tell her. "I sneaked to sister's Mary's office one night." 

"Oh my god," Katya was so surprised that she snorted and for the first time since they had seen each other again, she smiled slightly at her confession. "Tell me about it." 

"Well, I figured that it was the best to wait and not to call right away. I planned on getting to her office, and with a hairpin I unlocked the door." The other blonde had her mouth agape in shock by Trixie's brave attempts. "I searched through all of the information and archives and I found your number and your address, and I copied it."

"What happened when you called?" Katya seemed to be in suspense, clearly wanting to know every single detail.

"Well…" 

 

***

 

She was gripping the phone with nervousness, she had to call before she would get caught by anyone at that office. As she waited for someone to pick up from the other line, she felt her hands shaking, feeling jittery. 

"Hello?" A woman answered, and she sounded like an adult. Trixie quickly figured out that it was Katya's mom. 

"Hi, is Katya there?" She asked hopefully, closing her eyes and praying to have an opportunity to talk to her. 

"No, she's at school. Who's this?" The woman answered, clearly curious. The Midwestern was cursing internally at her luck. 

"I'm Trixie, her friend from high school… I was wondering if-" She didn't have the opportunity to talk that much because the other person immediately interrupted. 

"Oh I know who you are! Let me tell you something young lady, don't ever call this house again. Do you understand?!" Trixie was so shocked with how she had changed her tone of voice, threatening her. "Katya doesn't want to hear from you again. You were a mistake in her life. I expect you to give up now or else I'll let the principal know that you're trying to communicate with her… And I'm pretty sure you'll get expelled as you deserve to be." Her eyes widened. How much hate can there be in this world, she asked herself. Those words hurt, but at the same time, that wasn't Katya speaking. Her mom was speaking for her. She shouldn't take it that seriously. 

"Pleas-" Suddenly the sound of the phone being hung up stopped her from saying something else. 

She knew Katya's parents might be doing whatever they could to stop them from seeing each other or even talking. 

She wouldn't give up so easily. 

 

***

 

Katya was frowning again, her eyes showed how hurt she was, filled with tears that were threatening to fall. "She never told me," it was almost a whisper but she heard her confession. 

"I even wrote letters, for almost a year…" She looked down at her hands, also sharing the desire of crying. If she had kept looking at her, she might have done it. 

"What?! Are you serious?" The look of disappointment, pain, and anger that was showing on her face were clear, and Trixie couldn't blame her. Her family hid everything from her.

“I am. I used to write to you from school. I found out when the mailman would come, so I waited for him and gave him the letters directly, this way the nuns wouldn't be able to stop me. But he never gave me a letter back.” She pursed her lips, containing herself from crying. It was really hard for her, she remembered waiting for him, with a small hope every time that he came, but later she cried in disappointment in her room; with empty hands.

Katya wiped her tears with the back of her hand. “I never got one…”

“Even when I was back in Wisconsin, I still wrote to you. Since I wasn’t getting any answers, I guessed that your parents might be hiding or throwing them away before you could read them… But I always had the illusion that maybe one day you’d get at least one...”

“I swear I never knew about it! All I thought was that you didn’t care, that you were just… That you never loved me as much as I loved you…” The other blonde confessed, fully sobbing now, and Trixie just wanted to reach out and hug her. But at the same time, she didn’t want to cross the line. 

“Katya, I was so in love with you, and I never got the chance of telling you that… “ After hesitating for a while, she dared to grab her hand. “Please look at me.” The other blonde had her blue eyes on their now linked hands, slowly raising her gaze and meeting her brown ones. “I really loved you, and now I’m begging you to forgive me. For not being brave enough, for being a coward and not stepping up to that nun like you did. But I also can understand if you don’t want to forgive me…” Now that she was strong enough to talk to her and say everything that she couldn't do back then, she was proud of herself for finally opening her heart to her first love. 

But she didn’t reply. However, as a surprise for her, Katya suddenly hugged her tightly. There, in her arms, and after a long time of holding it in all of her emotions, for years, she let herself cry on her shoulder. 

Trixie felt at home, felt at ease. This was what she had been craving for years, to let go of all of this pain. It felt like a wall had fallen between them, and finally, she felt that she was with the real Katya; the woman who she had fallen in love with. 

They took their time to let it all out, to cry without any restriction; to hold each other, to exist in this new reality where they were the owners of their destiny, where no one would tell them what to do. A moment where both of them were no longer scared teen girls, they were grown adults with a future ahead; and they could choose to go or to stay in the painful past. 

After a few minutes, Katya mumbled something that she didn’t hear well. “What?” She let go of her, ending the hug and looking at her. Katya’s eyes were slightly red from the crying, her blue irises contrasted it. Her cheeks were pink, as well as her nose. Even when she was crying she looked so gorgeous, that it was a sin. 

Again her weak voice said the words that she had desired to hear for years: “I forgive you”. The smile on Trixie's face was inevitable, and she was so happy that she could kiss her, but instead, she hugged her again.

“Thank you, baby.” That pet name came out from her without any filter, maybe it wasn’t the proper moment, but if it was, Katya didn’t protest at all. She was filled with joy, that she didn’t care that much.

Even the atmosphere between them changed drastically, feeling more comfortable next to her. 

They didn't even realize it but it was dark outside, so she decided to go. Still the smile on her face didn’t disappear for the rest of the evening. 

She said goodbye to her, with a friendly hug and a “see you soon”, which gave her a small hope that they might keep in contact with each other. They could become friends again or… Well, it was too soon for desiring something more than that.   

 

***

 

It was Sunday morning, and Katya was ready to find out the truth.  She knocked on the door at her parents’ home. She waited outside, anxiously to know what the hell had happened. After what Trixie told her, she needed to see those letters, if they still were here. She should be working on her paintings right now, but she knew that if she didn’t do this, her mind wouldn't leave her alone with her thoughts.

The door opened, her mom receiving her with the same phrase. “Hi Yekaterina, I can see you decided to visit your poor mother and father,” and Katya immediately rolled her eyes, getting inside with determination. 

“Pat, don’t start,” she didn’t care that much about what she could say. She was here only for one reason. “Where are the letters?” She wasn’t going to waste any more seconds than necessary, especially if she had to deal with her mother. 

“What letters Yekaterina?” Her mother used that tone of voice that she hated, acting oblivious. 

She looked straight to her eyes, without any hesitation, and complete seriousness. “You know what letters, the ones that Trixie sent me.”

“Oh, what are you talking about? That was long ago, who cares about that girl?” She seemed to dismiss the conversation, making it seem that it was something that didn't have any importance.

“I care! I know that you saw them, what did you do with them?” 

Quickly her mom’s façade fell, sighing in annoyance. “I have them.” Katya almost sighed in relief. That was something, at least. 

“Give them to me,” there was no doubt that she wasn’t going to leave this house without those letters. 

“Why do you want them now? It’s useless Yekaterina, that girl was a mistake. I’ve told you a thousand times.” The young woman wasn’t going to start a fight right now, she just ignored what she thought about Trixie. Katya just knew that her mother was never going to accept that she was a lesbian.

“That’s none of your business. Those letters were addressed to me, they’re not yours. Stop this, and give them to me. Now!” She insisted with all the determination of the world. Her mother sighed, not really keen about cooperating with her daughter. 

Katya was getting even angrier and she wasn’t going to let her win this time. “Give them to me, or you’re going to make me search the entire house for them and I’m pretty sure I won’t step foot in this house EVER again.” 

This time, the older woman seemed to consider what she just told her. They stood in silence for a few tense seconds. Finally she said: “follow me.”

They climbed the stairs, heading towards her parents’ room. There, her mother opened their big closet, searching through some boxes. Both of them were silent the whole time. After a couple of minutes of searching, she finally found them. 

When she had them in her hands, she guessed there must have been at least fifty letters. Trixie was right. After all, she did try to contact her. She needed to read them right now, but she didn’t know if she was ready to get into an emotional ride.

“Mom, she called me, right?” She asked, she knew her voice sounded weak, as her gaze fixed in those envelopes. Her mother didn’t reply immediately, so she looked up.

“Yes, once.”

“Did she ask to talk to me?” The older woman nodded and Katya could feel the tears coming, but she stopped them. Everything that Trixie said was the truth. 

“Okay, that’s all I needed to know.” She turned around, heading to the front door, her mother following behind her. 

“Wait, where are you going?” The nosy woman asked.

“Home, I want to read these alone.” She was going to deal with her parents' situation later, she was so mad about what both of them did to her. The cruelty that they had with her was unforgettable. Just like that, she left her former home. She didn’t even care to say goodbye to her mother, she was anxious to get to her apartment.

After a long bus ride, and a quick sprint to her door, she was ready. A glass of wine could also accompany her in her reading. She needed a deep breath to prepare herself before reading. 

Katya opened the first one, and when she checked the date, it was written a month after she was expelled. The paper looked a little bit yellow in the edges, she guessed it was thanks to being saved for a few years.

 

 

 

Reading that letter now, knowing all the context, made her feel a knot in her throat.

She still remembered that drawing.

 

***

 

It was hard to have her eyes only on the white canvas while she tried to draw her perfect caramel eyes. Slowly she peeked, her head appearing just to glance at her girlfriend in front of her, who was smiling timidly. 

This was the best day at the art class, since she got paired with her favorite golden locks. Even though doing portraits was extremely hard, she was more than eager to do it, putting a lot of effort into it and trying to do her best work possible. Especially if she had to draw such a gorgeous face. 

At first she fumbled a bit, being kinda nervous for doubting her skills. She didn’t want to show an awful drawing to Trixie, embarrassing herself. But soon after it, her hands started to sketch on their own, her movements flowing from her wrist, getting totally lost in her own task.

As Trixie posed adorably in front of her, almost shyly. She thought that she couldn't have a more perfect model than this. Even the morning sun was shining beautifully on her, making her blonde hair shine more than usual, her eyes looked more clear than usual, seeming more like sweet honey. 

When she least expected, the time was over and the nun started to inspect everyone’s canvas before their models could. She didn’t brag about it, but hers was chosen as the best one in the whole class. 

If she was honest, the only opinion that mattered to her, it was Trixie’s. When she saw her reaction, it was totally worth it. Her eyes lit up, her mouth was agape in total admiration of it.

“Oh my god Kat, this is… I don’t have any words… It’s so beautiful…” The Midwestern seemed mesmerized by it, and she couldn't take her eyes off of it. 

“I had the most beautiful angel as an inspiration,” she whispered to the other blonde’s ear, making her blush and grin timidly once again.

 

***

 

 She visibly swallowed at the memory, continuing with the other letters.

 

Trixie deserved to go to college as well, Katya thought to herself. She didn’t have to end up in a small town, working as a cashier and enduring the mistreatment in her mother’s house. She couldn't imagine how desperate she must have felt about it.

After minutes of reading and reading every single of those letters, she finally reached the last one and she wondered what had happened for her to stop writing. 

 

Katya’s hands were shaking as she read those last sentences, her vision blurred by the tears that were falling, one after the other. She never expected how much these words could affect her. She could relate in so many ways what she had expressed. At that time she had also wondered as her, what would have happened if nothing between them had stopped them, if Sister Mary hadn’t found them. Her teenager heart had desired for nights and nights that their love would have worked.

They weren’t meant to be back then, but after all it wasn’t their fault. The way they always acted, even what Trixie did was filled by the fear of being punished just for being themselves, for being in love. The nuns had the fault, the Bible that condemned them had the fault, and so did their parents, and so did society.

Trixie was never scared of being in love with a lesbian, she was afraid of the consequences of what that could bring to her. And even though the Midwestern had avoided them at first, none of her dreams came true. 

Katya cried in front of those letters, she cried for their lost love. For those young girls that were still teens, that were learning about the world, and they didn’t know about what was coming for them. It was incredibly heartbreaking. 

If both of them would have acted as the society wanted, they wouldn't have had these problems. If she had been in love with a man, she wouldn't have been expelled, just reprimanded. It was the hate, the lack of tolerance, the hostility from other people that made them separate their ways. 

The blonde wiped her tears, and headed towards the phone, dialing the number that Trixie had left the day before. She had the urge to talk to her, she needed to hear her voice right now. 

“Hello? Who’s this?” Instantly she recognized the Midwestern’s voice. For some reason her heart was beating fast.

“Hi, it’s me Katya.” All of the sudden, she felt shy.

“Hi Katya, it’s everything okay?” For a moment she seemed to be worried.

“Yes, I-I wanted to tell you that I went to my parents’ house and I got the letters!” She went straight to the point, letting her know.

“Oh my god, that’s a relief! I’m so glad that they were still there.”

“Me too, I was so glad that I was able to find them. And, you were right about it, as well with the call. I just read all of them, every single letter...” 

“I’m so happy that they finally arrived in your hands…” There was a serene tone in Trixie’s voice.

“Me too, and I just feel so sorry for ourselves. For those eighteen year old girls, you know?” That was just a little part of what she actually felt, but it was hard to find the words to express herself fully.

“We had to endure so much, it wasn’t fair…” The other blonde also reflected on it.

“Trixie…” There was something that she wished to say and it was now or never.

“Yes?” The brown eyed girl asked.

“I’ve missed you,” sincerely she confessed to her, closing her eyes as the relief came to her. It was like a piece that was missing from her heart was back in its place.

“I’ve missed you too, Kat.” After so many tears and years, a sincere smile appeared on her face again. 

She wasn’t going to confess outloud how her cheeks flushed.

Chapter Text

 

1966

 

“I didn’t know you would find cleaning a mirror so fun!” Jaida commented with a slight teasing tone in her voice, smiling knowingly about something. Trixie felt confused, holding the cloth in her hand, stopping her task at the salon.

“What do you mean?” The Midwestern asked, now looking at her, and her friend stopped sweeping to meet her gaze with a playful smile. 

“Nothing, I’m just happy that everything turned out well with you and Katya. You have been just smiling for the past two days…” Trixie felt her cheeks blush at that observation.

“Thank you, your plan worked after all… But you know what? Last night she called me while you were on a date with your boyfriend...” She decided on telling her the last news.

“Really? What did she say?” 

“To put you in context, she found the letters that I wrote to her while we were apart. Her mom had hidden them for years and she never knew.” Jaida had her eyes widen as a reaction.

“Okay, what a bitch.” 

“Yeah, that’s another story. The thing is, that she read all of them, and she called me to let me know. Not only that, she felt so sorry for how everything ended up and that… She had missed me.” She confessed, feeling herself flush a bit again. Immediately she imagined that Jaida had a playful smile, and when she met her friend’s gaze, she was right. 

“Something’s up…” Her friend's eyes  squinted, in suspicion.

“You’re delirious… Can we please drink a cup of coffee? I’m not ready to have this conversation,” Trixie sighed, trying to get out of this topic. 

“Okay, okay I’ll stop, but please let me grab the newspaper first. I need that coupon for that perfume I told you about.” Her friend found it, beside the entryway of her salon. Trixie left her task and quickly poured the coffee that they had prepared that morning at their apartment. They had a small break before continuing the cleaning.  

After a few minutes of reading through the pages, Jaida spoke. “There’s an art exhibition in the gallery near the salon next Saturday,” the brunette mentioned, reading the newspaper.

“And, if you don’t mind me asking, since when are you into art exhibitions?” Trixie said almost giggling, raising an eyebrow at her friend.

Jaida cleared her throat and with a knowing smile she read: “Featuring Brooke Lynn Hytes, Yekaterina Zamolodchikova…”

“No,” Trixie cut her, raising a finger. “We’re just starting to fix things, I can’t just show up without being invited.”

“Why not? You just happened to go into an art exhibition, she doesn’t have to know you are there for her,” Jaida tried to convince her.

“She’ll see right through the lie, it won’t work.” 

“So you want to go, we’re just looking for a believable excuse that doesn’t make you seem like a crazy stalker,” her friend said excitedly.

“Maybe…” Trixie sighed. “But we’ll never find one, so let’s just plan what we’ll have for dinner,” she tried to dismiss it, making a gesture with her hand, like it didn’t matter.

“You can just show up, you know?” Jaida insisted, eager about the idea. “Just say you saw it on the newspaper and wanted to be a supportive friend.” 

“I don’t know…” Trixie hesitated, fidgeting with the cup of coffee in her hands.

“There’s nothing stalker-like in reading the newspaper Trix, it’s literally there for everyone to see,” Jaida encouraged her once again. “Plus, she’ll probably be happy to see you there, it shows you really want to go back to being friends. Unless…”

“Unless?”

“Unless you don’t want to go back to being her friend,” Jaida said with a mischievous smile.

“What do you mean I don’t want to be her friend? Katya is amazing and I miss our friendship a lot,” Trixie said confused. “She was always able to make me laugh with just one look.”

“Well, I didn’t say you didn’t want her around,” Jaida rolled her eyes. “I just think you don’t want to be just her friend.”

“I’m not risking things again by thinking about that.” The blonde sighed, not really sure if it was good to have hope in something else happening between them.

“You didn’t say I was wrong,” she pointed out with a sly smile. “Don’t even try now,” Jaida said as she saw Trixie about to complain.

The Midwestern just rolled her eyes and finished her coffee. She quickly resumed her task, and continued on cleaning the mirror.

“Just as a reminder, we’re going on Saturday,” Jaida said with a big smile. “And I won’t take a no for an answer, if I have to drag you there I will.”

It turned out that through the next days Jaida convinced Trixie to go. Her friend even helped to choose a nice dress. They both agreed on a black and white short velvet dress that showed off her long legs and her cleavage as well, with a pair of black gogo boots. She worried it could be too much but Jaida insisted that Katya might drop dead when she saw her, and to be honest, she was desiring for her to have a reaction like that. 

On that Saturday her roommate insisted on doing her hairdo, styling it in a half ponytail, with a little black bow to tie it up, and curls in the end of her blonde hair. While Jaida styled her hair, Trixie did her makeup as well: watermelon lips, a bold black and white eyeliner, and most importantly, blush. It was all a teamwork. 

A few hours later Jaida was nudging Trixie so she would enter the gallery. She was there only to make sure Trixie didn’t chicken out and ran out of there without even talking to Katya, and then she would walk back to their apartment to watch TV.

“Do you see her?” Jaida asked, looking around, even though she had no idea what the Russian looked like.

Trixie looked around as well, trying to spot Katya amongst the people talking and enjoying the art. 

“There!” She said when she finally saw her, the blonde was deep in her thoughts watching a painting.

“What are you waiting for? Go and good luck!” Jaida encouraged Trixie with an excited smile, nudging her towards Katya.

“Thanks Jaida!” She waved to her friend with a nervous smile before she left. 

The Midwestern hesitantly walked towards Katya, visibly swallowing, and fixing her dress hoping that she looked pretty for her.  She  tapped on her shoulder softly, trying not to scare her. The smaller girl was wearing a black suit - which wasn’t that common to see, and it made her think that Katya was bold for wearing it -, and when she turned around, it took Trixie’s breath away. The outfit was excellently tailored - which made her suspect that maybe Bianca had made it -, in the exact places, making her exude an energy that had Trixie weak on her knees. 

“Trixie! W-What? How?” The Russian asked, surprised, her eyes wide open.

“I saw the ad for the opening in the newspaper,” Trixie explained. “I hope it’s ok…” She said, unsure if she hadn’t crossed the line.

“Yes! Yes, sorry I just wasn’t expecting it,” the Russian was quick to clarify. “I’m glad you’re here.” A smile coated on her cherry lips, and Trixie mirrored her. “You look stunning,” the woman confessed after giving a look at her outfit. The Midwestern just hoped her makeup could conceal her blush thanks to Katya’s adorable words. 

“Thank you, you look stunning as well!” She felt nervous all of the sudden and cleared her throat. “I’m glad I came too, there are so many beautiful paintings,” she said looking around the gallery before turning back to face Katya. “Which ones are yours?”

Katya guided Trixie towards a set of paintings to their right, making a gesture so she would follow her.

“I like to paint places that mean something to me,” the Russian explained, pointing to the first canvas.

Trixie examined the art work hanging on the wall, with a YZ scribbled on the bottom right corner. It was a living room with art supplies scattered all around, it was pretty dark, and not cozy at all, the whole thing gave Trixie the chills.

“It’s my first apartment,” Katya explained with half a smile.

“It looks terrible,” Trixie pointed out, with honesty.

“It was, it barely had any natural light, the neighbourhood was sketchy and it always smelled bad, but for the first time in my life I felt free.”

“No controlling parents in sight,” she couldn't help but giggle after commenting that.

“No, just me, my shitty job and Steven.” Katya agreed with a nostalgic smile.

“Steven?” 

“The rat that lived under my kitchen sink,” she explained laughing.

“You named the rat under your kitchen sink?” Trixie asked perplexed.

“Well, saying Steven is shorter than ‘ The rat under my kitchen sink’ isn’t it?” Katya said like it was the most obvious thing in the world, making Trixie laugh.

The Midwestern’s eyes moved to the next painting, an empty diner in front of her. Even without people the contrast with the previous place was big, it felt warm, colorful, and alive, safe even.

“That’s Dela’s,” Katya explained. “The best diner in town, Bianca and I go there all the time, it’s near her apartment.”

“If it’s that good I’ll check it out, I don’t want to miss out,” Trixie laughed.

“It has the best fries to ever exist,” the other blonde declared, seeming fascinated.

“I’m sold,” Trixie smiled before turning to the last painting, an old library.

She scrambled through her brain, trying to figure out why it looked so familiar. The contrast between the quiet of the library and the mess scattered around unsettled her, books that were on tables and even on the floor instead of bookshelves but not one person in sight that might be responsible for that mess. Her eyes scanned the whole painting, and it wasn’t until she saw the cross hanging above the door that she realized.

“Is that the school library?” Trixie asked, surprised as she finally recognized the room.

“Yeah,” Katya said uncomfortably, putting her hands in the pockets of her pantsuit. “I actually finished that one a few weeks ago, I’m sorry if it’s too much.”

Trixie was about to ask why, until it hit her, it wasn’t only the library.  It was a painting of that day. She could almost see a teenage version of herself, with her eyes to the brim with tears, knocking on the window on the far left corner, trying to get Katya’s attention one last time.

“Don’t apologize,” Trixie said trying to be understanding. “I guess your art helps you process everything.”

“It does, I’m not that good with words so I just… Paint,” Katya said gesturing at the canvas in front of them. “It’s easier, you know? A picture says more than a thousand words.”

“Well, it must be easy when you’re this talented,” Trixie observed, eyes still on the painting. “This looks exactly like the library at Sacred Heart, I can almost smell the books.”

“It does take practice,” Katya reflected.

“Yes, but you were talented back in high school and you did nothing but improve,” Trixie complimented once again. 

“I don’t paint people a lot anymore,” Katya said remembering her high school art classes. “They are not the point, big things happen in places and then someone goes to that exact spot and has no idea the history it has, it’s just another apartment, another diner you pass by, another old school library...”

“God, you’re still such an art nerd,” Trixie said smiling. “I think it would’ve been nice if you had included Steven in your painting.” 

“I’ll take it into account for next time,” she replied with a smile, moving forward along the wall with the art pieces. “And those right there are Brooke's,” Katya said pointing to a set of paintings that were next to hers. All of them seemed to be pretty psychedelic, an explosion of colours. 

“Who’s Brooke?” Trixie asked as she examined the people standing in front of the paintings.

Katya turned to point at a group of people a few feet away from them. A tall blonde woman turned and smiled at them, then proceeded to say something to the group and walk towards them. As she got closer, she noticed how pretty the unknown woman was, and her presence was intimidating. Blonde with long hair that reached her hips; gray eyes and red lips. Her body seemed to be sculpted for a fashion magazine. Trixie swallowed. 

“Couldn’t stay away from my work Katya?” She joked with a sly smile on her face, as her eyes lay on her ex.

“Don’t flatter yourself Hytes, Trixie here wanted to know who was capable of butchering a canvas like that,” Katya replied with a smile as big as Brooke’s.

Trixie’s eyes widened, both because she didn’t want Brooke to think she was rude, and because she was caught a little off guard by this interaction.

“Oh, don’t bring the poor girl into this,” Brooke said laughing. “I saw you admiring my work before she got here. I won’t hold it against you, I outdid myself with this one.”

“They look amazing,” Trixie agreed. “I mean, I’m no expert but I like the colors and shapes.”

She decided to not go any further as that comment probably made her seem like a five year old. ‘Really? I like the colors and shapes? Don’t you want to complain about missing your nap time next?’ She reprimanded herself.

“Thanks, I’ve been exploring some new techniques so I’m glad it paid off.” Brooke smiled before turning back to Katya. “I can teach you someday if you’re interested Kat, you know the offer still stands, you just have to drop by.”

Trixie didn’t appreciate the hidden message behind Brooke’s words. The fact that she also used ‘Kat’ had her fuming. There was obviously some history between her and Katya, and it was clearly still going on. Had she read the signs all wrong? ‘ Of course not, they were not signs to read, we’re just friends.’

“Maybe, and then I can take notes on what not to do,” Katya joked.

Trixie felt like she was interrupting something. She didn’t want to leave, she wanted to disappear and forget this interaction altogether. However, that meant leaving Katya and  Brooke alone, and that’s something she wasn’t willing to do for whatever reason.

“Sure,” Brooke said rolling her eyes. “Anyways, how do you girls know each other?”

“We went to high school together,” Katya explained with a little smile.

“Yeah, we were roommates.”

“I didn’t know you went to boarding school,” Brooke said surprised.

“I did, catholic boarding school is what made me such a rebel,” Katya said laughing.

“Wait, does that mean I get to hear embarrassing high school anecdotes? Because I have all night,” Brooke asked excitedly, turning to Trixie.

“I’m afraid I can’t tell you embarrassing Katya stories without bringing myself down in the process as well.” A complete lie honestly, Trixie wouldn’t mind telling someone about the stupid things they had done in high school and how somehow Katya was the only one who managed to always get caught. But the fact that she knew the Russian in a way that Brooke didn’t made her feel special, it made her feel better about this whole situation. 

“Oh, come on,” Brooke insisted. “Was she the rebel she claims she was?”

“Rebel? Yes. Smart enough not to get caught? Not so much,” Trixie said, deciding that was as much as she was willing to give Brooke.

“Now I need to know,” Brooke said with pleading eyes.

“Sorry Brooke, if I opened my mouth Katya would kill us both. Me for telling you, and you for knowing too much,” Trixie chuckled as she saw the disappointment in Brooke’s eyes.

“Well, look who’s here,” Bianca said with a big smile as she approached them. “What made you endure a night surrounded by people who pretend to understand what’s going on in this idiot’s mind by looking at her work?”

“I thought I could pretend to understand something too, but it only made me feel a little stupid,” Trixie said, she trully had no idea what was going on with neither the art nor between her and Katya, she felt kind of lost. In fact, she thought that it was stupid of her for having any small illusion between them. 

“Don’t worry, most people don’t have a clue that she’s insane,” Bianca said, motioning towards the Russian with her head.

“Everything ok Brooke?” Katya asked, making Trixie’s blood boil. She almost sighed in frustration, like a little kid. 

“Yes, I just thought someone I know was watching my painting, but I was wrong,” she said with a small smile. Brooke seemed to have suddenly lost her flirting skills, not that Trixie was complaining.

“We were just talking about art and people who pretend, you may know a little about that, right?” Bianca asked, raising her eyebrow “You know, as an artist that is.”

“Yeah, people really do like pretending they know everything, but they usually get caught in their bullshit,” Brooke pointed out. 

A waiter passed by with a tray with crystal glasses filled with champagne, offering it to them, Bianca set the empty glass on the tray and grabbed a new one and motioned her friends to follow suit.

“Cheers to that,” Bianca said, raising her glass and so did the blonde.

“I should get back to my friends,” Brooke declared with an awkward smile before going back to her group, and the Midwestern felt glad that the woman was finally gone. 

“Bianca and Brooke kind of don’t like each other,” Katya explained with a smirk. “Bianca here thinks Brooke is the fakest Canadian she’s ever met, and Brooke thinks Bianca needs a new set of filters.”

This brought Trixie back to her first weeks at their old high school, how lost she felt and how Katya had always made sure she could keep up with who was who, the inside jokes and the gossip.

“Personally I think both of them are right,” Trixie chuckled, feeling more at ease now that it was only them.

“Beware Beatrice, you’re on thin ice. And you,” Bianca said turning to Katya, “are too stubborn to see that she's not just the usual artsy stuck up bitch, she’s pretending she’s nice by hiding behind that stupid fake Canadian accent.”

“Well, she has a Canadian accent because she is Canadian,” Katya said, rolling her eyes.

“That doesn’t mean she’s nice,” Bianca pointed out, this time not really as a joke.

“We are not having this conversation again, B.”  

“Sure, as you please. But I think we should make a toast, cheers to Katya and the fact that she’s not the worst artist in this exhibition,” Bianca said, raising her glass once more, making Trixie chuckle and Katya roll her eyes.

As she drank the alcohol, Trixie realized that everytime Katya did or said something to defend Brooke, something inside of her twisted. She knew it was jealousy, which made her wonder if Katya was really single after all. 

“Well, Trixie, what have you been up to in Wisconsin?” Bianca asked and she realized that she hadn't had time to talk about it before so, she explained her boring misadventures in her hometown, and Katya seemed very interested to know as well.

As the event progressed, she was catching more of the other blonde's eyes on her, and she wondered if the way that she gazed at her was for the reasons that she was wishing for.

“Well, it looks like it's going to rain. I’m leaving you girls, I have to go anyway. Also, if I take one more look at one of your paintings I might lose my sight,” suddenly the brunette said, not forgetting to joke around to her friend. 

“That’s because you’ll be blinded by my talent you asshole,” Katya laughed with the glass in her hand.

“I really thought the delusion would stop with age,” Bianca teased her, making Trixie laugh. “I’ll see you both around, unless I get lucky and never see you ever again.”

“I’m counting on it,” the blue eyed girl added. 

“You’re not known for your good luck,” Trixie said with a giggle.

“Ugh, you two are the worst. I guess some things really don’t change,” the brunette said before waving goodbye and leaving them alone.

“Ugh, she’s rotted,” Katya said as they watched her go away, and Trixie was just delighted at how nice it was to talk all together again. “... And she’s right, it looks like a storm it’s coming…” 

She checked for herself, watching the main glass doors that showed how the wind was carrying the leaves with force. But she felt disappointed, she didn’t want to leave Katya yet. Fortunately, it seemed that the other woman felt the same way. 

“Should we go to my apartment? Before it starts raining?” Trixie smiled, feeling that maybe the war was not lost after all. 

“Sure.” The Midwestern concealed the satisfactory smile that threatened to escape. Let’s see how long you can resist, Zamolodchikova

 

***



Katya didn't know why or how she got the courage to invite Trixie over to her apartment. Yes, it looked like it was going to rain so it was better to be under a roof, in a cozy place. Besides, there was nothing wrong with inviting your friend (or ex) to your apartment, right? That's what she reasoned. Maybe the champagne gave her the boost to make that decision. 

As a matter of fact, she didn't know what the hell she was doing but nothing wrong was going to happen. She was sure of it. 

Finally, they were inside and the Russian was very proud about how her apartment looked at the moment, it was a relief that it wasn't a mess and it was decent. 

As she took her coat off, she asked the Midwestern, "Do you want some wine?" 

The other woman was taking her coat off as well. "Sure, that sounds good." Trixie smiled and Katya did too. Without wasting any time, she looked for a pair of glasses and a good Malbec to share with the blonde. 

"Sit, make yourself at home!" She claimed while she was in the kitchen. Soon after that she joined the other woman on her couch. Trixie seemed now interested in looking at the other paintings that she had hung on her walls. 

"They're pretty," she murmured, gazing at them, mesmerized. Katya caught a glimpse of her as she opened the bottle. Trixie's watermelon-colored lips were parted beautifully as her eyes were scanning her art. Her lashes, her makeup, her hair… It all matched in this perfect picture of a delicate and precious doll. She guessed that Trixie had spent a long time dressing up and preparing herself for this event, and if the reason for it was only to see the Russian, that gave her a weird feeling on her belly. 

Unconsciously, her hands opened the wine and the pop sound made the hairdresser look at her in a slight surprise. She caught Katya staring and grinned a bit, but this time, shyly. The russian replied with a similar smile and started to pour the drink in both glasses. She felt as she did this, how her hands were slightly shaking from a newfound nervousness. 

Then, Trixie took her glass and raised it. "Cheers," she said, and Katya followed. As she drank the familiar booze, she was wondering what the hell was going on inside of her. It was like she was at the edge of something… Probably of doing something stupid. 

Okay, she looks good… she looks fucking hot, but you're friends. Nothing is going to happen. But are we friends ? Her mind was going wild, almost impossible to stop all of these thoughts.

“Did I tell you the story of my mother setting me up with a guy?” Katya suddenly brought up a subject that she found funny. Maybe that would distract her from looking at Trixies cleavage or lips. 

The Midwestern laughed loudly at it. “Oh my god, no. Tell me about it…”

“Well, like three years ago she was obsessed with finding me a date, and the worst place that she could start with her search was at the church…”

“Oh no, not catholics again…” Trixie giggled, crossing her legs, which made her eyes scan those long and beautiful legs that seemed silky. She was surprised how someone could be so effortlessly sensual by a simple movement. Katya wanted to caress them slowly with her fingers, going up and up... 

“Oh yes, and he wasn’t a saint at all. He only worked to get his precious weed and when my mother found out, she blamed me.” She shook her head in disapproval and the other blonde just giggled. Why was her laugh so endearing?

“Oh my god, your mother doesn’t have any limits, huh?” 

“I swear she's unbearable. What about you? Did you date anyone?” Katya tried to sound uninterested but actually, she was… She wanted to know what had happened with her love life after all.

“Well, I dated a man too…” She might have read Katya’s surprised face and continued. “While I was in Wisconsin, I was really desperate, as you can imagine. Things weren’t looking good for me and I felt stuck, like I didn’t progress in anything. As you know, I found a job as a cashier and well, it wasn’t that much but I started to save some money. From time to time it got stolen by my stepfather…”

“Okay, what an asshole…”

“Yeah, it was not good… At all. So as the time passed by I had less patience with my family and I felt miserable. All of the sudden, Matthew, who was from a wealthy family, started to flirt with me every time he went to the grocery store and he wanted to go out on dates…” Katya couldn't imagine Trixie dating a guy. “I was so desperate to get out of that house that I finally accepted to go on a date with him but… It never worked as you can imagine. It was so uncomfortable to me, I never felt like I was being myself, I felt like I was trying to fit a puzzle in a place that it wasn’t correct. You get what I’m saying?” She nodded in sympathy. She had been forced to go to pointeless dates when her family knew very well that was a lesbian and in someway they were trying to get her to act straight. Or ‘normal’ for them. “He, on the other hand, was crazy about me, I don’t know why really… I barely paid him any attention…”

“Well, you’re a beautiful woman, I think that he had  many reasons as to why he would lose his mind for you… But you can’t force things.” Trixie seemed to be taken by surprise with what she had expressed, but it was the truth. The other blonde smiled shyly and blushed a bit. Katya was sure she would lose her mind for her. She was losing it right now.

“Thanks…” She muttered timidly. “I guess so…”     

Then, as expected, a loud thunder resonated outside. Trixie with calmness, turned her head and looked at the window, as the first drops of water started to fall, hitting on the glass. Katya watched closely how the other blonde never felt scared, or alert about the storm. She didn't even flinch. 

That was weird , Katya thought. Since she could remember, Trixie was terrified of the thunderstorms. The Russian felt puzzled and confused and that might have shown on her face because when Trixie turned her eyes to her, she asked. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I thought that... You were scared at the storms.” She frowned, meeting her gaze with the other blonde.

For a few seconds, Trixie matched the same confused look that she just had a few seconds ago and after a while, she giggled and Katya couldn't understand what she was up to. “To be honest I was never scared of them.”

“What?” Immediately she wondered why the other woman would lie about something like that back then. 

“Well, I said that on that night because…” Trixie looked down, taking a moment before she continued. She raised her head up finding Katya’s blue eyes, and with a timid blush. “I wanted to fuck you.”

Okay, that was something that she wasn’t expecting at all. She felt how her face was turning red at that detail, not really knowing how to respond to such a bold confession. It was simply not helping at all.  She shouldn't want to touch her, she shouldn't feel the desire of taking her clothes off but then again, her heart was battling with her brain. 

Before Katya could come up with a witty reply or a funny comeback, Trixie asked something out of the blue. “Did you and Brooke fuck?”

“Uh-” Again, she was speechless. What could she answer? Somehow it didn’t feel right to share that detail to her ex. “Why do you want to know that?”

“Oh so you don’t want to answer…” Suddenly Trixie's entire demeanor changed, leaving her glass on the coffee table and taking her hands up to her hairdo. The woman  started to undo it with the most delicate movements. While she did that, she gazed at the Russian intensely, with a smug smile on her full lips. 

Katya felt completely hypnotized by the other woman’s movements and her stare, leaving her glass on the side as well. She could feel her breathing deepening. She couldn't decipher what was on her mind, or what was the next thing she'd do, and that had her on the edge. 

When Trixie’s golden hair fell on her sides, her golden locks bounced. The woman in front of her leaned towards her, touching Katya's knee softly and with intent. “Why don’t we stop this game, uh?”

The Russian’s breathing hitched at that contact and before she could say anything, the Midwestern continued. “You’ve been watching my tits the whole night, don’t think I didn’t notice. I’m pretty sure you still want me.” At that moment Trixie licked her lips, making Katya hide a whine.

Katya thought that was a bold statement but at the same time, her underwear confirmed that fact. She thought she had been more discreet with her stare but it turns out that she sucked at it. After all, she couldn't be blamed for it, watching her was a hobby that she was obsessed with. Also, she’d never seen Trixie acting in this way, taking the lead and that… Turned her on. 

They held that gaze, filled with a tense energy. Katya felt an impulse, fueled by the desire, and also by her own restrictions. She had been controlling herself the entire night, limiting her instincts. The alarms on her head told her that she shouldn't be doing this, but the look on Trixie’s face made it impossible to stop it.  Katya started to count the seconds until she had enough courage to crush her lips against her ex-girlfriend’s.

Trixie tasted sweet, not only for the wine, but it was like a dessert that she was craving after dinner. Katya was devouring her, she wanted it so badly. She wanted her so badly. 

The Russian’s hands travelled across her body, not being satisfied until their bodies were brushing with each other. Trixie was eager to be kissed by her, she could tell by her desperate need to deepen it. The other woman was whining slightly at the contact and she was restless until their tongues met. 

Trixie left her lips, continuing leaving little nibbles across her neck. Katya closed her eyes, sighing at the sensation as she felt her hot breath on her skin. She’d never guessed how much she’d missed it. “Take me to your bed,” Trixie mumbled.

Katya obliged, but first she gave her a quick kiss on her lips. She grabbed her by the wrist softly and guided her to her bedroom, desperate to reach the room. There, the bedside lamp was only giving them a faint light that somehow worked with the atmosphere. 

But suddenly before that she could do anything she heard: “Sit,” as Trixie commanded her with a serious look on her face. Katya obeyed, gazing at her, not really knowing what to expect. The Midwestern stood at the end of her mattress, staring at her. “I need you to answer me now. Did you and Brooke fuck?”

“Trix…”

“Answer me or I won’t take this dress off…” This time she sounded more severe. Was Trixie jealous ?, she wondered to herself and the thought of that being possible made her more horny. 

“I- '' Katya thought about it and she was blushing furiously in front of her scrutinizing gaze. There was no way that she could lie. “We… We did.”

Trixie had the nerve of pouting and slowly her hands reached her zipper, opening the garment and slowly taking it off. Katya’s breath hitched when she saw  a little snippet of red lingerie.

“Oh my fucking god,” she couln’t help but curse and her pussy was pulsing with desire. She thought that she remembered Trixie’s body, but something about that red underwear was making her feel insane, like it was a new sensation. 

The blonde bombshell revealed her lacy bra that did nothing to disguise her nipples and Katya was heaving without moving from her spot, her face in utter shock and deeply pleased at seeing this. The woman in front of her let the garment fall and soon her red panties showed, matching the set. Next, she took her boots off. 

What she didn’t predict was how the brown eyed girl got to the bed slowly crawling like a cat. Katya could feel how her ribcage was going insane by the heartbeats. 

“I don’t like that… At all…” She said threateningly and Katya visibly swallowed, almost feeling speechless by her movements. “If you could see at your face right now, you wouldn’t be able to deny how much you still want me.”

“It was a one night thing…” She barely tried to chime in, clearly hypnotized by her. Then Trixie giggled, fucking giggled and kneeled in front of her. 

“I bet Brooke can’t compete with these” She whispered with a flirting tone as her hands went to her back, unclasping her bra and letting it fall in front of her. 

Katya’s mouth was opened in shock and at the same time, feeling more flustered as the seconds passed. Then, something ignited on her, something clicked on her head and she soon realized what the other woman was doing. 

A fire started in her. In a matter of seconds she kneeled in front of her kissing her abruptly and with a newfound passion. This made the other woman moan on her throat, she grabbed her by her waist firmly.

Katya wasn’t going to let her take the lead. That’s why she laid her down on the mattress and sat on top of her thighs with flares in her eyes as she started to undo her shirt with speed in her hands, carelessly and almost ripping them off. “You’re going to get what you want…” She said with a threatening tone. Her blue eyes were staring directly at her honey ones, and Trixie seemed amused at her sudden change.

Soon her shirt was open and since she didn’t bother wearing a bra, her chest was exposed. Trixie joined and helped her to take off the rest of her garments, admiring the view without any restrictions. “You look so hot with a suit on…” She mumbled and Katya soon had her lips on hers, as she opened her pant suit. With her strong arms, she managed to stay on top and at the same time, she took her pants off, later pushing them down with her legs.   

“I knew you wouldn't resist me…” The woman underneath her said with a bratty tone and way too much confidence in her voice. She looked like a dangerous angel, those who have fallen from heaven for being too bad. Her curls were spread like a golden halo that contrasted against Katya’s burgundy sheets. 

“Did you want me to tell you how good your ass looks? Or how your fucking tits looked perfect with that cleavege? Do you know how much I’ve tried to avoid kissing you or ripping off those dresses that you wear?” Katya confessed with an exasperated tone, like she was fueled by a fake anger. Trixie was wearing a satisfied grin on her face and she wanted to take it out of her. 

“What are you waiting for?” The girl with the honey eyes challenged the Russian, with an intense gaze that was taking her breath away.

In a blink of an eye, she was kissing her neck with an insatiable hunger, feeling her soft skin with her lips, it felt familiar and at the same time it was new. Trixie sighed, caressing Katya’s hair. 

There was so much that she wanted to do, there was so much that she wanted to make her feel. This wasn’t like any random hookup, it was special. This was Trixie, a special woman in her life. 

Her hands reached the hem of the other woman’s underwear and started to take it off. The lace somehow felt soft in her fingers, as well as her thighs, while she pulled the item down, revealing her core.

“I'm going to make you feel so good…” She whispered as her fingers stroked her pink lips that were so wet that they slipped easily on her digits, and Trixie eyes darkened as she whimpered at the sensation. Without breaking eye contact, she got down on her, tasting her for the first time, licking a stripe along her vulva. 

Katya knew perfectly what she was good at, and her talents. Let’s just say that the Russian knew how to use her tongue in so many ways and she wanted Trixie to experience it all.  

Quickly the other blonde let her know how much pleasure she was feeling, by moaning obscenely. Now that she realized, this time there was nothing that could restrict Trixie from being as loud as she wanted to, which fueled her even more. 

Katya swirled her tongue on her clit with vigour, giving it enough pressure and at the same time, being gentle. She was going to eat her out like it was the last meal of her life, and only the universe knew how fucking hungry she was for her. 

Trixie’s mouth moaned gutturally and then whimpered with a high pitched tone that was making the Russian insane. She could feel how her own pussy was soaking wet in her panties. She fixed her eyes with the Midwestern, and the view that she had it was something out of this world. Trixie was blushing so hard, sweating as she touched her breasts, quavering in pleasure.

“Look at you, you’re desperate to come, right?” The other blonde nodded, with her eyes closed, and her mouth open as she sighed and gasped in ecstasy. 

“Please baby… I’m so close…” But Katya had another idea, and being just a little cruel to her, she left her warm lips. Trixie’s immediate reaction was to whine, protesting. The Russian smiled satisfactorily for having her wrapped her up in her finger. “Baby…” She called with a well known bratty tone of hers, huffing and pouting. 

As Katya grinned in delight, she took off her underwear. “So you still act like a little brat, don’t you? I’ll take it out of you” She quickly approached her, with a heated kiss, letting her taste herself. Then she commanded. “Be a good girl and get on top of me”

She laid by her side, and the other blonde quickly obeyed. “You’re going to ride my pussy,” Katya said as they locked their legs, looking for friction and Trixie gave it to her, her cunts finally connecting. 

The Russian sighed suggestively, finally getting what her body was craving. She grabbed Trixie by her soft and milky thighs as they moved frantically. If she thought the Midwestern looked hot while she was eating her out, riding her was another experience. The woman with the honey eyes was biting her lips, as her generous tits jiggled in that feverish act making Katya get more on edge.  

“Fuck, I’m close,” Katya said, making a guttural sound feeling her orgasm bulduing up. She could also see how Trixie’s was coming as her dirty moans increased as their clits rubbed with each other. 

Katya had been with a few women before but she never got to experience the joy of coming at the same time. With Trixie she did that. She never remembered having such an intense desire for another human being in her life and as she panted by her side, she just wanted to kiss her until their lips hurt. Just like their first time.

After the lust, soon everything changed. They snuggled together, under the covers. "I loved sleeping next to you. You always felt so warm." It sounded tender and sweet. 

"Yes baby, I’ll keep you warm," Katya replied to her almost innocent confession. She was falling asleep and the Russian was going to join her very soon. 

She hadn’t slept so well in a long time. 

 

Chapter Text

1966:

 

Katya stirred her limbs, sighing a bit, complaining about being woken up. She didn't know what caused it, maybe a noise, maybe the rain, who knew. She hadn’t opened her eyes yet, but when she felt somewhat trapped in her bed by something, she opened them.

She was met with Trixie’s face. Oh, right . Trixie was facing Katya, and she was still asleep. Her pink lips were pouting thanks to her cheeks that were being squished by the pillow. Some of her golden curls were on her precious face, others falling on her shoulder, and as she kept looking down, her breasts were exposed. Immediately she felt her face getting red. 

From her waist down, Trixie’s body was covered by the bed sheets. Katya wondered how she could still be asleep feeling the cold on half of her body. Still, the Midwestern looked so peaceful in her sleep, and god, so beautiful that she wouldn't dare to wake her up. Just staring at her like this was a privilege that her eyes got to experience.  

The hunger that she had felt last night for Trixie couldn't be stopped and now that she was sober and fully awake, she realized what she'd done. Katya had crossed the line with her, and they had been just getting started repairing an old friendship. 

As always, her restrictions had failed when she had to deal with Trixie. Now what was she going to do with her? There was no turning back after this and Katya knew well that she wasn’t prepared to have something with her. She’d never dated anyone after Trixie and contemplating it all, she knew it wouldn't work. 

Just because Katya had forgiven her, it didn’t mean that they had to date. Well, it is too late to think about that now , she reprimanded herself. Her head was racing miles per hour, thinking that they were in a tricky position now. 

Staying friends after having sex would be pretty weird and awkard for her. But if she was being honest… It felt so good. So good, that she’d do it a hundred times more. Control yourself, Yekaterina

She figured that she should get up and make some breakfast. It was going to feel weird to talk to Trixie while being in bed, especially if she kept looking at her tits. 

As she was moving the sheets slowly to get up from the mattress, she heard a moan. “Why are you leaving?” Katya froze on the spot. “Come here…” Trixie said, whining afterwards like a little kid. 

“I was going to make breakfast…” She replied, covering her naked body again with the fabric. The doll then opened her eyes, a small smile on her sleepy and pretty face. 

“Nooo, stay with me. You’re going to ruin this moment.” The blonde woman was meeting her blue eyes, and Katya couldn't find the strength to leave those sheets. "Come here," Trixie whispered, signaling with her hand the empty spot right next to her. 

Like a bee going to her flower, the Russian got closer to her, obliging to what the other blonde desired. Katya felt so insecure. She'd never done this with any woman, usually all of them would have left by now. But Trixie was here and she couldn't treat her in the same way as she did with others. Somehow she couldn't, it was hard to say ‘no’ to anything that she asked for. 

Trixie wrapped her arms around her, snuggling with her, putting her head on Katya’s chest. The other blonde sighed, satisfied. “Last night was perfect… “

“It was…” The Russian wasn’t going to lie there. Firstly, Trixie went to her exhibition and that gave her a beautiful surprise, it was really thoughtful and meaningful of her to show up. That demonstrated to Katya how the Midwestern seemed to be interested in fixing their bond. Secondly, she had the idea of inviting her over and what happened last night might have been something that she was wishing would happen. Thirdly, even now she wasn’t able to stop enjoying their contact, and their proximity. It was like she needed to have her right next to her all the time, giving her the warmth that her soul had lacked for a long time.   

What did all of this mean? Katya felt so confused about what she should do about this. There were so many mixed feelings in her heart. Should she do what she was used to? What was she comfortable with and the easiest way out? Or should she risk herself and try to start a real relationship? 

Ugh, she was making so many assumptions that it was making her head a mess. Then Trixie let her know that she was giving herself away. “I can feel your heart, it’s beating so fast…” The woman met her gaze and giggled softly. 

The Russian didn’t know what to do with herself, blushing a bit at it since her heart  had betrayed her. She felt vulnerable in that moment, and Trixie seemed to be delighted by that, approaching her lips and leaving a kiss that, in contrast to the ones they had last night, this one was filled with affection. 

In the middle of that contact, Trixie’s stomach let them know how hungry she was, growling loudly and both of them ended up laughing at it. “Now your breakfast would be useful…” 

Katya challenged herself, and tried to make pancakes, meanwhile Trixie had decided to take a quick shower. She wasn’t that used to putting so much effort into her meals in the early morning but now she had enough time, and somehow she was trying to impress the other woman. The rain kept falling outside, and she felt it was a perfect day to stay at home.  

Soon there were two cups of coffee, two towers of pancakes for each of them, butter and syrup on the table. “These look delicious,” Trixie said with a cheerful smile, and started eating.

“I hope you like it…” She was feeling kinda insecure but once she tasted it, she felt proud of herself. 

“It’s really good,” the woman seated in front of her quickly said after tasting a bite of it.

“Thanks.” As they kept eating, Katya observed the bigger picture of this situation. This felt foreign to her, and there was no way that she could feel a hundred percent comfortable with this, especially knowing that she had to tell the other blonde how she felt about this. 

Is this sudden change of her own attitude and the approach that she was having towards the other woman could mean something more deep that she had initially thought? Did it mean that she was treating her in a special way because she was feeling something more than lust and a physical attraction? That reminded her of her young self, who had fallen so quickly into Trixie’s arms and then ended up in a bad way.    

All of this was giving her a bad taste in her mouth and if she was honest, she was freaking out internally. All of it was intensified when Trixie proposed in the middle of their meal: “Don’t you think it would be nice to go to the theater together? Bianca told me that she could get tickets easily…”

It was clearly a date and Katya knew she couldn't agree to it. “Trixie…” She started leaving her fork in the plate and taking the courage to be honest. She tried to look at her eyes but quickly averted them. “I can’t do this…”

“What do you mean?” She immediately saw how Trixie’s gaze changed in her honey eyes, frowning.

“I don’t do dates, I never did.” Katya observed how her face fell, clearly taken back with what she confessed, and it changed the mood drastically at the table. Trixie lowered her gaze, and if the Russian wasn’t mistaken, there was sadness in her eyes. 

“But I thought that you… Last night…” With a small voice the woman in front of her tried to reason this new information, completely confused. 

“It was awesome, don’t get me wrong. I’m just… Not used to this, I never had a real relationship with anyone.” 

“We used to, back then,” Trixe quickly clapped back.

“Yes, but it was different, and I’ve changed…” Katya tried to explain herself but it seemed to be going downhill, since she could feel how upset the other woman was getting.

“You did?” The other blonde asked but her voice sounded like she wasn’t really believing what the Russian was saying. “Sorry, I can’t stay here.” Suddenly, Trixie stood up, leaving the table and Katya felt stunned by it, but either way, she did the same. The Midwestern headed towards her bedroom and she followed her behind. 

“Trixie, please don’t-” she found her taking her robe off, completely naked, and the Russian looked the other direction, getting anxious at the situation. Trixie was grabbing every single item of clothing that she had taken off last night, and started to dress up. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll leave quickly.” There was a bitter tone that the Midwestern couldn't conceal as much as she wanted to. 

“It’s not really necessary…” She didn’t expect her to react this way, and this time Katya was a prisoner of her own words and attitude. 

As the other blonde finished putting on her dress, she continued. “It’s for me.” After she put on the last boot, she passed by Katya in the doorway, heading to the entry, not without forgetting her coat. “Thank you for the breakfast, it was really good.” It didn’t sound kind at all, maybe it had a sarcastic tone in it. 

Then, Trixie opened the door, and Katya stopped her, grabbing her by the arm. “I’m sorry, I’m really confused,” she finally confessed her raw emotions, scared as she heaved. But that just made  the other woman sigh, her eyes that gleamed by the tears showed how upset she was. 

“Katya, don’t you understand that I still love you?” The Russian froze in her spot, surprised by those overwhelming words. But she was caught off guard by that statement and when she least expected, the blonde huffed and left the apartment; leaving a shocked Katya in the same spot.    

 

***

 

Trixie closed the door of her apartment, out of breath and totally soaked by the rain. She was so glad to be finally in her place after that disaster. As she was taking her coat off, she heard her flatmate approaching her. 

“Someone spent the night out…” Her teasing tone might have been exciting or fun to reply to if everything hadn't turned out as awful as it did. The blonde just stood in silence as Jaida met her at the doorway. 

But immediately the brunette read her gloomy expression on her face. “Wait, what’s wrong Trixie? Are you okay?” 

The Midwestern just sighed, looking down, embarrassed. “I caught the rain on my way here…” 

“Yeah I can see that, but I also can see how sad you are. But wait here, I’ll search for a towel.” In just a few minutes, she was sitting on their sofa, with a cup of tea that her lovely friend had prepared for her and a towel wrapped around her shoulders. Trixie thought that it couldn't get any more pathetic than this.

“Okay so, what happened last night?” The brunette asked hesitantly, sipping her own tea afterwards. 

First she tasted the tea before starting her rant. “Everything started okay, Katya showed me her paintings and we got to chat for a while and it felt so great to have that moment. She seemed grateful that I showed up. Then one of her ‘friends’ from art school, I guess, appeared and it almost ruined everything…”

“Why?”

“Well this girl, Brooke, she seemed to know Katya and she flirted with her in front of me. I felt so left out for a moment until Bianca came and she literally shooed her away.”

“That’s great,” Jaida giggled at it. 

“Well, after that everything was pretty nice, we got to talk like we were on highschool again. So that was fun and Bianca then left us alone.” Her friend raised her brows, with a knowing smile. “And since it looked like it was going to rain, Katya invited me to her apartment. That’s when I thought that after all, she didn’t care about the other woman, and if she was inviting me to come over, it was because she was interested, and I was right…” 

“Okay, so you two go to her apartment. Then what happened?” Jaida seemed to be at the edge of her seat.

“Well, we drank some wine and chatted a bit about the past. Then something happened and I teased her and we ended up kissing…”

“I guess that’s not the only thing that you did…” Trixie was blushing, and she nodded. 

“No, that was not the only thing we… Okay, we had sex. It was great, I could even say it was perfect.” Just there, she still could feel Katya’s arms around her. She wished that she could reminisce with a smile on her face, but after what happened, she couldn't. 

“What happened then? I mean... For you to feel this way?” The brunette tilted her head, listening to her carefully. 

“We fell asleep together and this morning everything was going just fine. She even cooked me breakfast. Then, since I thought that everything was going so well, I suggested that we could go to the theater together as a date but…” Trixie let out a shaky breath. 

“But?” Jaida was following the story, eyes wide, clearly intrigued.

“She said no, that she doesn’t do dates!” Her friend was almost as outraged as she was that morning.

“I can’t believe her… Why didn’t she say it earlier?” Jaida sounded mad now, and Trixie wished she had the energy for that too.

“I know, I was just so… Disappointed. I really thought that we were going somewhere and it turns out that relationships are not her thing! I just don’t get her… I obviously couldn't stay there after that. I felt like an idiot, believing that she was feeling the same way that I did…” Clearly the blonde felt defeated after everything that happened. She had done whatever she could in her hands to get closer to her, to find her forgiveness and after all, it was all a waste of time, ending it up with a fight again.

“Did she stop you or say something else?” 

“Yes, she tried. When I opened the door, she told me that she was sorry and that she was confused.” The discouragement that she felt was strong at that moment.

“Do you believe her?” 

“I don’t know how to feel about that. Also, confused about what? I heard this morning how fast her heart was beating when I was with her… I really felt that she loved me,” Trixie huffed, closing her eyes, heartbroken and at the same time irritated.

“Well, you don’t know why she is confused. Give her some time. Also she forgave you just a few days ago and everything has been pretty recent. Maybe she needs to think… ” What Jaida said could be true, but Trixie was upset that she had shown her true feelings to her, and still, nothing stirred up in the other blonde’s heart. Or that’s what she guessed. 

“Before I left, I even told her that I still loved her. That was so hard for me to do, and still she didn’t say anything. So I fled before my pride could be any more tarnished.”

“I don’t know if this might help you but… Don’t feel ashamed of what you feel, to be sincere it’s one of the best qualities that you can have, Trix. Don’t regret any of it.”  Her friend left the cup of tea on the table and hugged her, trying to comfort her and the blonde felt thankful for having her friend beside her. She finally cried on her shoulder, as the brunette caressed her back. “You did the right thing.”

Those words were so helpful for her afflicted soul. Jaida was right. She shouldn't feel embarrassed for being truthful to herself and to Katya. Probably being transparent to the other woman might have avoided future problems.  

Still, the emptiness in her heart wasn’t easy to fill or heal. But at the same time, she wasn’t going to beg for her love or affection. Katya now knew how she felt, it was her turn now to find out what she was going to do about it. 

Trixie knew that there was a possibility that the other blonde might not care or do anything about it. That thought affected her the most but that might show her the Russian’s true colors.        

    

 

***

 

Katya was pacing around her apartment when a knock on the door startled her. She was relieved when she opened it, finding Bianca on the other side.

“Okay, what happened? You almost yelled for me to come…” Her friend said, after Katya left space at the doorway for her to get in. Once she was inside, the Russian closed the door, clearly anxious. “You’re acting weird, what happened now?” 

“I- I think I made a mistake…” Her worried expression made Bianca sigh, somehow not surprised by what Katya had said. 

“Okay, let’s talk it over some coffee, shall we?” The brunette declared, and they made their way to the kitchen.

After fighting internally for a few seconds, deciding how to tell Bianca everything, she guessed the best thing was to be direct. “So last night after you left I invited Trixie over and… We.. Uh- fucked” 

“Finally!” Bianca celebrated for a moment but she might have read her disturbed expression. “Oh don’t tell me you ruined it” 

Katya covered her face with her hands and nodded, cringing at herself. “I kinda did.” 

“Katya, you had one job! What did you do now?” Bianca scolded her, almost like a tradition at this point.

“Okay so, this morning when I woke up next to her... I just… I simply realized what we had done and I freaked out,” she explained taking the coffee cups out of the cabinet. “I’m afraid that we might have ruined everything.”

“Why would it ruin it?” Bianca questioned her. “You both clearly still like each other!”

“Because I don’t do dates B, you know I don’t do relationships. And I knew Trixie wouldn't want anything else but that.” 

“We’ll discuss how stupid you sound later,” Bianca said rolling her eyes, clearly annoyed and she couln’t blame her. “And I’m assuming you told her that this morning? You explained that you’re not looking for something serious.”

“No, I made her some breakfast and she was so delighted by everything that I just simply couldn't keep up with it,” she sighed, pouring the coffee in the mugs.

“How did she react?”

“She was obviously disappointed and hurt, and immediately left, but not without telling me that she still loves me. I’m just so confused,” Katya said, setting the mugs on the table before sitting down on a chair with a long, heavy sigh.

“And when she told you that, how did you react?” Her friend asked before taking a sip from her coffee.

“I was shocked and I didn’t say anything so she left.” Katya said, embarrassed “You don’t need to yell at me, I know I’m an idiot. I just couldn’t speak, it was like going back to being a stupid teenager again.”

“And when I thought you couldn’t get any dumber...” Bianca said, rolling her eyes.

“Stop it Bianca, it’s not helping!” She sighed, feeling completely useless and lost. 

“But how come you don’t realize that you were scared? You’re clearly intimidated by her and how everything ended up in the past,” Bianca tried to say as calmly as possible “Am I wrong?”

“No…”

“Katya, listen to me, you two are not in high school anymore, you don’t have a nun monitoring your every move anymore, or dictating what you do,” Bianca continued her rant. “You’re in charge of your own life now, so why are you hesitant? As far as I can see, you’re the only one putting up walls and building obstacles between you and your happiness.”

The blonde took a few seconds, considering her friend’s words, and the inevitable question popped up. “What if it doesn’t work?” 

“If it doesn’t work we’ll figure it out, it’ll hurt, you’ll cry for a while and then you’ll move on.” Bianca said reassuringly. “But isn’t the possibility of it working out worth taking that shot? Maybe you get a broken heart for a while, but maybe, just maybe, you get a lifetime of happiness next to someone you love”

“I- I don’t know.” She wasn’t going to lie, she was almost biting her nails.

“How stubborn can you be?” Bianca sighed in frustration “You definitely still feel something for her, or you wouldn't be this distressed just for a woman that you casually fucked…” 

“It’s not that I don’t have any feelings for her I…” She started saying but Bianca interrupted.

“I’m going to stop you right there,” the brunette said, holding her finger up. “You deserve to be happy Kat, you truly do. And if that means giving Trixie another chance so be it.”

Katya was about to reply but Bianca gave her a stern look that made her close her mouth again. “I’m not finished,” she said taking a sip of her coffee. “You’re not the same girl you were back then and neither is Trixie, she was a scared little lesbian who had everything to lose, she panicked and inmediately regretted that decision, which haunted her for over six years. If you want to be dumb and let her go because you’re scared of past ghosts that are long gone be my guest, but you cannot expect me not to call you out because of it.”

They both sat there in silence for a few minutes, Katya deep in her thoughts, and Bianca letting her process everything. 

“I’m scared,” Katya finally said after a long pause.

“I know,” Bianca said, squeezing her arm in support. “Being brave is not about not being scared, it’s about trying even though you’re shitting your pants. The question now is, are you going to be brave or are you going to be a coward?”

“And endure a lifetime of bullying? I think not,” Katya said standing up.

“Where are you going?” Bianca asked, surprised as her friend left the kitchen.

“To be fucking brave B!” She said as she opened the door.

“Wait Katya! I didn’t mean right now you idiot!” Bianca called her standing from her seat.

“But…” The Russian started to complain but her friend interrupted her.

“She needs some time to cool down, because she’s obviously mad and hurt, and you need to think carefully about what you want to say,” Bianca explained.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Katya sighed going back inside, feeling stupid for her impulses that sometimes she couldn’t control. She was once again trusting her friend’s opinion to find a way to talk to Trixie again.

 

***

 

“Yekaterina… Katinka…” Katya looked up from her plate, almost forgetting where she was for a second. “Are you okay? You have been distracted a lot today.” Maybe her mother was right. She was spending the whole day at her parents’ house. It was her little cousin’s birthday and she had offered herself to help her uncle and aunt with the organization. 

Her mother had suggested their home so, after a long day of children playing, running and screaming for cake, her father invited her to stay over for dinner, since it was late enough at that point. 

She had been playing with her vegetables as she shared the table only with her mother and her father. The rest of the family was gone. Now she was regretting the decision of staying to eat with them, after all she and her parents never understood each other very well. 

“Yeah, I’m okay…” She was caught off guard, her eyes alert like a little kid that was reprimanded  by their parents. Her distraction had a source, it had a name… It had golden long and wavy hair and pink lips. Pretty whines too. Ugh, this is not the moment

The thing is that whatever was going on in her mind it was a thousand times more fun than listening to her mother and father talking about rich people in the neighborhood that she didn’t care about. She never fit in there, she knew she never would.  Who cared about what the Bensons, Davis or Sheffield's did. No one cared about their hard days of playing golf or how much they had to pay to the government in taxes.

“I’ve been so busy today that I forgot to ask you… What was all of this interest in Trixie all of the sudden?” Her mother asked, a brow arched, seeming interested and serious. Katya couldn't help but sigh. Maybe this was the time to talk about the matter. 

“I saw Trixie again…” Immediately her parents shared a worried look between them.

“Is she back?” Her mother gazed at her with bewilderment in her eyes. “Are you telling me you’re trying to get back with her?” 

“What if I want to?” The words came out of her without even thinking about them. This time around she wasn’t panicking about the fact that they were discussing this subject.

“Not again with this Katya… You’re not a little girl anymore to pull this bratty attitude on us” Her father told her, with a disapproving look on his face and a similar tone too.

“It’s not an attitude! It’s not because I want to piss you off!” Suddenly she raised her voice, her fist hitting on the surface of the table with anger. “I am a lesbian, I like women. What part of it can’t you understand?” She was sick and tired of being denied her identity. 

“That’s not allowed and you know it very well!” The man retorted with rapidness, with an irritated tone in his voice. 

“Why not? Just because you say so? I love Trixie and I don’t care what you and you think!” She pointed first to her father and then her mother.  

“Because it’s a sin! You’re also embarrassing us!”

“You only care about what people think about it? Or what the Bible says? Why don't you two focus on loving your only daughter and accept her just how she is!”

“I don’t get what we did wrong for you… For…” Her mother tried to express her venomous thoughts but she wouldn't have it. 

“Say it! To be a dyke! I am a fucking dyke and very proud of it. And this time I won’t let you two to destroy my happiness just because you’re not tolerant! I had enough with y’all messing up what me and Trixie had. I won’t let you do it again. And if that means that you won’t talk to me ever again, then so be it!” She couldn't hold in all of her sincere words, letting all out without any filter, the resentment and anger had built up on her over the years and this was the final line.

A deep silence invaded the room and Katya could feel how she was heaving from that discussion. She just couldn't stop herself from being completely honest and putting her parents in their place for the first time in her life. She wasn’t that scary teenage girl anymore, who had to endure their awful and evil words, their merciless treatment towards her. 

Both of them looked at her, completely starstruck. They were frozen in their seats and Katya then understood that after all, she was brave enough to tell them from the heart what she had suffered for years, and that was all it mattered to her. That on its own was an accomplishment.  

On seeing that none of them responded anything to her, she huffed and grabbed her coat, storming out of her old home with tears in her eyes. The cold weather of November hit her right away, making her shiver, but nonetheless, she started walking at a fast pace, getting away from there as fast as she could.

Even though her eyes couldn't stop tearing up again and again, she felt so free. It was so liberating for her to break that wall and finally make them listen to her. 

Like a lunatic, she smiled to herself, still crying, for what she had done. Eighteen-year-old Katya might have felt proud of herself, she might have been her own hero. She was her own hero. Now she needed her heroine back.   

 

Chapter Text

1966

 

“You look like you’re going to shit your pants at any moment.” Bianca giggled after her joke as she sat beside her on the table. Katya’s leg couldn’t stop moving under it, shaking nervously as both of them waited. 

They were in the restaurant they had chosen for their reunion. Thanksgiving was next Thursday, so they planned a meeting with their friends, Violet and Adore, since they would always come back to the city again to see their families.

What better moment to have a nice gathering? Katya had agreed, but Bianca also had the idea of inviting Trixie to the reunion. That made her completely nervous because she hadn’t talked to her yet since the fiasco. Either way, her best friend had told her that convincing the Midwestern had been a tough task to do, since Trixie wasn’t really persuaded by her words at first.

But Bianca was doing what probably no other friend had done for her: she didn’t give up, and after all, she convinced Trixie to meet up with them that night. Katya felt like she owed her whole life to the brunette now. Bianca agreed with that statement, she even told her that if she fucked up this time, her head would be rolling down the main avenue of Chicago. 

Katya was determined to make things right this time. She had an entire week contemplating her relationship with Trixie in the present and her own feelings towards her. What Bianca had said that afternoon at her apartment was registered on her mind, like a record playing, on and on. Maybe her friend was right, maybe risking herself could be one of the best things that she could do right now. After all, she didn’t have anything more to lose.

A few days prior, during lunch time at work, she decided to sit on her own, away from the other teachers, thinking restlessly about her . Now that she reflected on it, Trixie had changed, and to be honest, she had to admit that she adored the adult Trixie. Even though at first she had made a mistake when they met again, that night at the Gallery, she showed a new attitude. She was more daring, more sure about herself, funny, witty, provocative and sexy. 

The morning after, when they woke up together, there was a sweet, caring and soft demeanour on her, that made her fall on her knees. There was no one other than her, even if she wanted to lie  to herself, she was the only one who had always owned her heart. Even that afternoon at the café when she waved at her, Katya knew she was fucked. 

The blonde grabbed a piece of paper from her notebook and started to draw whatever came to her mind, no planning, no deep thoughts, just her hand wandering over the paper. A set of eyes came first, a few more traces and she had a nose too, and before she knew it she had a full face. A face too familiar to ignore the fact that even without trying she knew exactly who she was. A woman was sleeping peacefully in that drawing, with her curls delicately spread over her face and the pillow.  

Katya stared at the piece of paper in shock of her own actions, almost embarrassed at how on point her drawing was. She had managed to get almost every detail in Trixie’s face with nothing but her own memories of her, not a picture, not the girl laying in front of her posing for a portrait.

“That’s beautiful, Katya,” one of her coworkers commented, who was passing by and then stopped to look at it, as she looked at the picture over the Russian’s shoulder. “Who is that?”

“No one in particular,” she lied looking back at the science teacher. “It’s just a scribble.”

“Wow! I wouldn’t be able to draw something like that on my best day. I guess that’s why I’m not the art teacher,” the woman chuckled before walking over to another table to have lunch.

Katya laughed politely at the woman’s joke, but all she wanted to do was hide Trixie’s drawing from everyone’s gaze, just keep it to herself and not share it with anyone. It felt like that small piece of paper contained her biggest secret and yet the most obvious one. Trixie, her Trixie.

She didn’t want to give it much thought, even if the Midwestern kept popping up in Katya’s thoughts. Paying attention to her thoughts was going to only get her to one conclusion: she missed her ex-girlfriend, and that was a terrifying thought, because if she misses her then she has more to lose. Then, Katya had no idea when she would be able to talk to Trixie, she had no idea if the Midwestern would even give her the opportunity to have a talk. And even if the stars aligned in her favor and Trixie decided she would listen to her, Katya had no idea what would happen next. So she just didn’t think about it, she definitely didn’t think about Trixie’s eyes, and her plump lips, and her beautiful ass.

Suddenly, her thoughts were interrupted by two brunettes that entered the restaurant talking and laughing. When both of them spotted Bianca and Katya, they almost sprinted to the tables they had reserved for the meeting, pretty eager to see them. The Russian shared the sentiment, quickly getting up off her chair and hugging both of them.

“I’ve missed you two so much!” The blonde confessed as she was embracing Adore with a big smile on her face.

“Me too, I haven’t seen you two since Easter!” Violet commented after hugging Bianca. 

Soon after everyone greeted each other, they were seated already being chaotic, talking over each other and giggling. Katya knew that this would happen, since they always spent so much time apart from each other and the holidays were the perfect excuse for them to reunite. 

“I swear to y’all, I don’t have any idea how I had the nerve to leave my fianceé all alone with my parents... That is real friendship,” Violet commented, joking with a sly smile on her face.

“You can go whenever you want to, there’s the door…” Bianca teased, with a satisfied smile.

“Don’t tempt me, you asshole,” she said, opening the menu. “I’m not sixteen anymore, I don’t have to pretend to be nice so the nuns don’t get on my nerves.”

“And you used to be nice back then?” Bianca asked as she raised an eyebrow, making Adore and Katya chuckle.

“I said pretend, not that I was actually nice,” Violet pointed out with a smile. “Now that we’re all here, are we ordering or what?”

“Actually we’re still waiting for someone,” Bianca said with a sly smile, taking the menu from Violet’s hands.

“Hey, I was reading that!” She complained with a pointed look in her eyes to Bianca. “Plus, I thought this was a girls night, no plus ones”

“Not someone like that, you idiot,” Bianca rolled her eyes as she sighed. “Trixie is coming as well.”

“What?! Sacred Heart Trixie?” Adore asked, surprised, eyes wide enough that made Katya remember the Midwestern’s face when they saw each other on the street that unforgettable Thursday.

“Shut up!” Violet said in awe. “I haven’t seen her since graduation!”

“What about Katya? She probably hasn’t seen Trixie since she got expelled,” Adore joked with an amused smile.

“We actually saw each other a few times,” Katya explained, fixing her hair nervously. “She even came to my art exhibition the other day.”

“And?” Violet asked with a grin that seemed to have ulterior motives, probably to mess around with her.

“And what?” The Russian asked, smiling slightly; clearly confused, as she shifted on her seat.

“Do you still have a big fat girl crush on her?” Violet finally spilled out the question bluntly.

“Violet!” Adore reprimanded her, trying to stifle a laugh and grabbing her by the wrist.

“Oh, come on!” Violet complained, then justifying herself. “She’s out now, we can talk about how she followed Trixie around school like a puppy.”

Katya’s eyes opened wide. She didn’t expect to be an expert at hiding, especially after getting caught, but the Russian was sure she had been able to keep her friends in the dark about her crush on Trixie back then. Katya shifted her gaze from Violet to Bianca, waiting for her friend to defend her honor, but Bianca just shrugged.

“I did ask you if you had a crush on her that day while we were smoking, remember?” Bianca said giggling, raising a brow “The way you ran away girl…”

“And then she had the audacity of being mad that we weren’t surprised when she came out,” Violet said, rolling her eyes. “Believe me, we tried!”

“That’s just stupid, I wasn’t that obvious,” Katya protested, trying to laugh it off, like she was unbothered about it.

“So that’s you admitting you liked Trixie?” Adore pointed out, now laughing.

Katya started to get more nervous. She hadn’t taken into account the fact that her friends may have suspected her feelings for Trixie, and she really hoped that when the blonde joined them, they would behave. Who was she kidding? It would probably take them less than five minutes to make a comment about it.

“I really don’t like any of you right now,” she huffed, leaning back on her chair, her feet shaking under the table, anxious again.

“Like Bianca said, you can go whenever you want to, there’s the door…” Violet said pointing at the restaurant’s door with a satisfied smile.

Right then it opened, and Katya felt it was a good moment to die. Trixie walked in, taking her breath away. Her hair was as high as Brigitte Bardot’s, and she had even gotten bangs. Her outfit was entirely black; she was wearing a turtleneck, paired with a pencil miniskirt, gogo boots and stockings of the same color. Only her coat was white, contrasting her look. 

Her lungs were out of air, and she was clenching her tights at seeing the Midwestern wearing one of her favorite colors. She’d never thought she'd be seeing the other blonde wearing it and that drove her insane.  

“I guess that answers your question, Vi,” Adore teased, making everyone at the table except Katya laugh. “Did you really think we wouldn’t realize when you look at her like that?”

“Ugh, shut up,” Katya said as she smiled and made a hand gesture so Trixie would see where they were seated. “Not a word”. She mumbled under her teeth. 

Then, her eyes met with the blonde’s and Katya visibly swallowed, which gained another giggle among the other girls. Meanwhile Trixie was expressionless when she saw the Russian, approaching where they were seated. 

“Hi everyone!” Trixie said as she stood in front of the table, now with a big smile on her face. She looked shy and hesitant, Katya thought to herself. 

“Well, look what the cat dragged in!” Violet jested, suppressing a smile.

“Girl, take a seat. You’re making me nervous standing there,” Bianca commented and pointed to the empty chair in front of her.

“It’s been so long! What have you girls been up to?” Trixie asked, interested, sitting down next to Adore.  

“Well, I live in LA now, I moved to start my singing career,” Adore answered excitedly, turning towards Trixie.

“Oh my god Adore, that’s awesome!” The Midwestern said with genuine happiness for her high school friend.

“It wasn’t easy though, it still isn’t. At first I worked as a waitress and they let me sing some nights if the band cancelled at the last minute,” Adore explained. “Then, I was also cast as an extra in movies. But I finally recorded my demo, and now I have to wait and see if any record company wants to produce my first album.” 

“I think LA fits you perfectly, and I really hope you get the call!” 

“Thanks Trixie! I need all the good energy I can get.”

“Then I’ll send as much as I possibly can your way,” Trixie said with a warm smile, and then her gaze turned to the other brunette “What about you, Vi?”

“I moved to New York to pursue my love and passion for fashion so I studied fashion design. All those years of reading magazines paid off, it seems,'' the woman joked, “I graduated and now I’m starting my own clothing line. Oh, and I’m also engaged…” Violet said with a smile, stretching over Adore so she could show off her ring. The designer seemed genuinely happy about it and Katya saw how the Midwestern was sharing the joy with her. 

“This ring… Oh my god, it’s stunning…” Trixie complimented, grabbing the brunette’s hand to take a good gaze at the ring, looking fascinated by it.

“Right? I still can’t believe it!” Violet beamed. “I expected it to happen eventually, but it still took me by surprise.”

“Congratulations! Tell me everything, what’s his name?” Immediately, Trixie asked with excitement in her voice.

“It’s Maxwell. He’s a lawyer so he is helping me with the administrative part of my little business,” Violet explained, signing to the waiter that they were ready to order.

“Oh that’s a keeper…” Trixie winked at her and giggled charmingly.

Katya watched the interaction in silence. It pained her that since she got here, Trixie had been completely ignoring her. She wished nothing more than to switch places with Adore and take the Midwestern’s face in her hands so she would look into Katya's eyes. The young waiter walked towards them with a polite smile to take their order, interrupting the Russian’s train of thought.

“You’re still a vegetarian?” Bianca asked when Trixie ordered her spaghetti alfredo without chicken.

“Yeah, I haven't eaten meat since I was a kid,” Trixie grinned, seeming proud of this fact.

“I honestly don’t know how you do it,” Adore said laughing. “I would die after a week.”

“I don’t really know, it’s not like I miss it, '' Trixie shrugged.

“You’ve been doing a lot of chatting, but you haven’t told us what you have been up to,” Adore pointed out, and by her facial expression, Katya guessed that the other blonde for some reason, didn’t expect the focus of the conversation to stir towards her. Trixie’s smile faltered slowly, her demeanour changing and only the Russian knew how to pick her quirks.

“Not much… Uh… After we graduated I went back to Wisconsin and worked as a cashier,” the blonde shifted in her seat, looking uncomfortable. “But a year ago I moved to Chicago, and now I’m working in a salon.”

“Oh, so you’re a hairdresser?” Adore asked, with a small smile.

Trixie then nodded as an answer, not really seeming to share more of it. Bianca, probably realizing how uncomfortable Trixie was, changed the subject, asking how Violet's parents were doing. 

Katya preferred to keep silent, if she was honest, she didn’t know how to intercede in the conversation so far. Also, maybe it was just her impression, but her ex looked pretty off, and quickly her suspicions seemed to be confirmed when Trixie out of nowhere excused herself to the bathroom.

Bianca immediately made eye contact with Katya, sharing a serious and knowing look. That made her get off her seat and go after her. 

As she got closer to that room, the ambience music, the laughter and voices were getting muffled. When she reached the door, she stopped, second guessing what she was doing. But after all she wasn’t going to chicken out of it. She pushed herself and entered discreetly, without making that much noise. Her eyes encountered a blonde that was sniffling, wiping with the most delicate movements her tears, trying not to ruin her makeup, Katya guessed. 

Then it dawned on her: Trixie was still pained about how everything turned out and her plans failing. She didn’t become a doctor, as she expected, but a hairdresser. 

She wanted to say something, she wanted to hug her, to console her. She wanted to tell her that everything was fine, that she shouldn't feel ashamed of what she has achieved. She wanted to take those tears away from her pretty little face and yet she couldn't. In those seconds, Trixie seemed so weak, standing in front of a mirror, her head hanging low, but from the reflection, Katya could see almost all of it.

But then Trixie looked up and their eyes met in the mirror, giving her chills down her spine. It was hard to explain how Katya had felt in that exact moment, a sudden shyness and embarrassment took over her, doubting if it had been a good idea to go there.   

The girl with honey eyes suddenly changed her demeanor, trying to look unbothered, and more serious, disguising her sadness and showing herself as a tough woman. Katya couldn't blame her, she would have done the same thing. “What are you doing here?” Her question had a neutral tone, but there was some annoyance in it. 

“I wanted to see if you were okay… I know that maybe their questions might have been hard for you…” The Russian showed sincerity to her, she wasn’t going to make up an excuse for why she was here. 

“Since when do you care?” Trixie looked away from the mirror, now meeting her gaze across the room. This time, her words sounded more hostile and the blue eyed girl didn’t know what to do with herself. 

“Why wouldn't I?” Her words came out faster than she expected.

“Please, don’t show compassion to me. I don’t need it.” Trixie turned her head to say those last words, to later, have her attention on her reflection, her lips pursing. 

Katya moved her feet, just to get closer to her, trying not to scare her in the process. “Trixie, please, you know I don’t mean it in that way…”

The taller girl had dried her tears, and now she was reapplying some powder under her eyes to conceal any trace of smudged eyeliner. “Stop it, I don’t want to look more pathetic than I do right now. I don’t want your sympathy or pity.” She commanded with a stern voice. 

“Trix, it’s not like that at all,” Katya sighed, her hand trying to reach out for the other blonde, but she decided not to midway. 

“Don’t ‘Trix’ me. I’ve been through enough to deal with this. Please, leave me alone.” The Midwestern looked at her once in the mirror, finishing fixing her makeup.

“I really need to talk to you…” Katya insisted once again, not giving up on her, no matter what.

“Well, this is not the place to do so. Don’t you think?” Trixie said with a stern tone in her voice.

“Can we do it after this?” She tried, hoping that there was a chance. 

“Okay…” Katya felt that she was lucky enough to get an opportunity to be heard, so she just nodded in silence, finally, leaving her alone in that bathroom without saying another word. 

As she was heading to the table, she was more than relieved thanks to this interaction. Now she only had to express herself with just honesty, it was nerve breaking but, it was preferred to be a fighter than a chicken, losing the love of her life forever. 

Thankfully when she was with the girls again, they didn’t pay that much attention to her. Since she left for a couple of minutes, they were immersed in a conversation. But soon she realized that Bianca was the one who had them distracted so it wouldn't be weird for them. When she sat down she shared a look with the seamstress, nodding to her, letting her know that everything was okay. 

Then she included herself in the conversation that involved how annoying Adore's roommate was. Soon after, Trixie came back from the bathroom, with a different energy than the one she had before she left, which made her glad, since the mood at the table was more pleasant now.

Their conversation was momentarily interrupted by the waiter who placed their plates in front of them, and left as quickly as he could, intimidated by Violet’s cold demeanor. 

So, they started to eat and enjoy their meal, including their conversations that so far, were fun. Until they weren't for Katya. 

“Wait!” Violet said with her palms up after finishing her dish, with an excited tone, her eyes lighting up at something. Katya guessed she had an idea that it was very amusing to her. “Since Trixie is here… and Katya is too... There's something I’m very curious to know…” There was a conspiratorial tone in her voice and whatever she was going to say was making her anxious.

“What?” Adore was interested and excited, which was immediately shown in the way she had asked that. 

“I want to know why Katya was actually expelled. Because I never really bought that little story. Also, if I remember clearly, this woman…” She looked at trixie. “Looked very suspicious back then…”

Not this , the Russian told herself mentally, sighing silently afterwards. She made eye contact with Bianca who seemed really interested and entertained in some way by it. She knew that little smile on her friend’s face, so she quickly figured that she had to get out of this one by herself.    

“Well… Uh-" How could she handle this? What could she say? Her hands were sweaty "You’re right… I didn’t get expelled for that reason…” She started completely unsure of what she was doing, barely making any eye contact with Violet or Adore and she wondered if they really had guessed what had happened. It was hard to open her mouth again, since her mind went blank, trying to explain. The thing is that she didn’t know if it was worth it to say the truth or again, another lie. 

Then, she raised her desperate and unsure gaze to Trixie, who seemed to share the same worry as her, and still she wasn’t able to figure out what to do. But it seemed that their exchange of looks was telling enough.

“No way!” Violet then exclaimed, her mouth hanging open, grabbing Adore’s arm. Both of them were completely amused by it. “I told you Adore! God I’m so good at this!”

“What?” Trixie immediately asked nervously, Katya could notice it in her voice.

“You two were together, I knew it!” Violet explained pointing at both of them as she giggled.

“I-” Again, her brain wasn’t working properly in this situation, feeling the temperature rise on her face, and when she looked at Trixie again, both of them seemed to be too obvious to fool their friends one more time.

“I told these two back then, and we all agreed you had a big crush on Miss Tracy but no one thought she would like you back,” Violet explained with the biggest smile ever, happy to know she had been right all along. “I mean, can I really blame them? But I guess there’s no text book when it comes to taste.”

“Or lack of taste,” Bianca pointed out mocking them.

“But by the way Trixie blushed every time Katya even acknowledged her presence, she had to like her back,” Violet added taking a sip from her wine. “And since Miss Bianca here doesn’t trust my judgement she had to go and ask Katya.”

“That’s why you asked me if we were together that day while smoking?” The Russian asked, turning to her friend.

“Bianca knew?!” Trixie gasped “And you pretended like you knew nothing when she got expelled!”

“I knew but I didn’t know,” Bianca shrugged. “It’s not like she said ‘Yes, Trixie and I make out constantly before bed’! She just ran away like a coward.”

“And then we reached the conclusion that you,” Adore said, pointing to Katya, “had a crush on Trixie.”

“I was sure you were together,” Violet pointed out. “Especially after you got expelled, but Adore kept telling me I was delusional.”

“What? I thought Trixie had better taste,” Adore defended herself.

“Never have faith in people, they’ll disappoint you,” Violet said, taking a sip from her wine again.

“Funny how you criticise Trixie’s taste for liking me but you still like men,” Katya huffed, moving her head in disapproval.

“You’re just bitter because you’re single,” Violet smirked. “If you keep the bad attitude I will uninvite you to the wedding.” 

“And dare have an unmatching number of bridesmaids and groomsmen?” Katya challenged her. “Quite the scandal.”

“I can always replace you honey, I’m sure Pearl would love to take your spot.”

“Oh sure! If she’s able to get out of bed for it,” Bianca joked.

“She’ll definitely get out of bed if I invite Adore’s brother to the wedding,” Violet said laughing.

“Ew, not this again,” Adore scrunched her nose, hiding her face on her palms.

“Are you truly capable of inviting two more people just to be petty and uninvite me?” Katya asked, raising her eyebrow.

“The fact that you even have to ask is kind of insulting, Katya.” 

“Wait,” Trixie said, confused at what they were referring to. “Who’s Pearl?”

“Violet’s main model for the launch campaign,” Adore explained, beating Katya to it. “Apparently she slept with my brother when she used to live in LA, not that I needed that information,” she said pointedly towards Violet.

“How is your brother anyways?” Katya asked, trying  to change the subject.

“He’s alright, trying to get his life together,” Adore answered with a smile. “The other day he told mom he wanted to find a wife, can you imagine? As if you just found them at the grocery store.”

“Like your brother would ever go get groceries,” Bianca laughed.

“Exactly what I thought! But of course mom was over the moon with this,” Adore sighed, leaning on her chair. “At least one of her children planned on settling down.”

“Parents are the worst,” Katya agreed, sounding like an angsty teenager.

“Have you talked to your parents lately? How are they?” Adore asked.

“We had dinner the other day after my little cousin’s birthday” Katya sighed “And everything was ok but then my mom had to mention the fact that I should be dating more, and how many great single sons their friends have.”

“Oh no,” Bianca said, knowing how much that affected her friend.

“Oh yeah, and I was really planning on letting it slide, but before I knew it I was yelling at my parents what a huge lesbian I am and if they couldn’t deal with it then too bad, and kind of left.”

For the first time since they got there the table became serious, which made Katya a little bit uncomfortable. Her friends had always been good at distracting her and making her feel better about anything that bothered her.

“You yelled at your mother?” Adore gasped “That woman is scary.”

“I know, but I was just so tired of everything…”

“I can only imagine, Kat,” Violet said taking the Russian’s hand in hers. “I’m sorry that you had to go through this.”

“You definitely do not deserve to be treated that way, I’m so sorry Kat,'' Trixie said with a sympathetic smile, and the Russian wished Violet would let go of her hand just so she could hold Trixie’s.

Katya took a deep breath, trying to avoid the tears. It didn’t matter how much she expected not to hear from her parents since that night, she still had a little bit of hope that they would reach out, that they would love her more than they worried about what other people said. 

“I’m sure they’ll come around eventually,” Adore smiled reassuringly.

“Yeah, and whatever happens we’re always here to support you,” Bianca agreed.

“Absolutely,” Violet chimed in.

“I really appreciate it girls, for real.” Katya smiled, still fighting the tears, but now being moved by what everything their friends had said. “Now let’s change the subject because this was kind of corny and disgusting.”

“Oh, thank god,” Bianca sighed. “I couldn’t pretend to be nice any longer.”

“I know!” Violet said straightening herself on her chair. “Niceness doesn’t suit me.”

The table moved on to the next subject, but Katya couldn’t stop thinking about how no matter the distance, or the time that went by, or how much they swore they couldn’t stand each other, these girls would always be there for her.

By the time they asked for the check, Violet and Adore were tipsy, they were giggling something about Adore taking the waiter from the table next to theirs to LA with her. Meanwhile, Bianca tried to usher them out of the restaurant as swiftly as possible without bothering anyone.

“It was actually not terrible to see you again, Beatrice,” Violet said with a smile as she extended her arm to get a cab. “Don’t be a stranger, ok?” 

“I promise,” Trixie said, smiling.

“Great, because I won’t hesitate before hunting you down if you disappear again,” she said, surprising everyone as she gave Trixie a hug. “Whatever, goodbye dummies.” She waved before getting inside the taxi.

“Well, that was weird,” Bianca said as they saw the car turn a corner.

“Did Violet Chachki just hug me?” Trixie asked, still surprised. “The girl who wouldn’t let her parents hug her at graduation so they wouldn’t wrinkle her gown? I’m in shock.”

“You and I both,” Bianca agreed before turning to Adore. “Should we get going?”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Katya raised her eyebrow at Bianca who just shrugged “I may be Satan’s daughter but I won’t make Adore pay for a hotel, she’s a starving artist.”

“Hey!” The brunette complained “I am, but you’re not supposed to say it out loud.”

“Alright, whatever you say. Now let’s go, it’s freezing here” Bianca complained before they said their goodbyes and left.

Both women stood there in awkward silence, not really knowing what to say. Katya was about to ask Trixie if they should get going, but the Midweterner spoke first.

“I’m truly sorry about your parents,” she said, turning to face Katya. “I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but I just want you to know that I think it was very brave that you stood up for yourself and that I’m proud of you,” she smiled softly after those last words.

“Thank you,” Katya responded, surprised, almost whispering. “It means a lot”

Trixie raised her hand to the Russian’s arm and gave it a gentle squeeze before sighing. Katya felt the cold, the lack of touch as soon as the other woman let go of her arm, she wanted to ask her to keep it there forever, or even for just one more second, but she didn’t.

“Should we go as well?” Katya asked, pointing in the direction to her apartment with her head.

“Yeah, unless you plan on standing here in the snow all night,” Trixie joked as she started walking.

The night before, the first snow had fallen, leaving a beautiful white that coated the city. As they stomped on the sidewalk, she was watching her own boots walking on those snowflakes. None of them said a word, only the noise of the few cars passing by on the street were filling their silence.

Katya’s gaze raised, looking at the dark sky.  At that exact moment, she wished that it would snow again. 

 

***

 

Her body was in a deep slumber. She felt that she was moving thanks to something, or someone. She barely had to open her eyes to find a way too excited Trixie above her. 

“Kat… Kitty Kat… Wake up!” Her girlfriend had a joyful tone in her voice that had her so confused at those early hours of the morning. 

“What’s going on?” Her voice might have sounded rough, but it was more than normal after sleeping for so many hours.

“It’s snowing! Look!” Again, she insisted, whispering to her. The Russian stirred her limbs and then tried to sit on her bed. 

The other blonde was standing now, next to the window, looking outside from their small window, with a huge smile on her face. When Katya got up, she joined her by her side, watching those snowflakes fall almost perfectly into the night, sending some calmness to her heart.

An idea popped up in her mind, “Should we go outside?” Katya then met her girlfriend’s gaze, smiling to herself, daring her to do something fun yet risky. 

“Now?” The Midwestern’s eyes were wide for a second, then looking at the window again, like she was considering her question. After a while in silence she finally answered with a playful grin: “Okay”

Both of them giggled as they put their coats on top of their pajamas, without forgetting their shoes. Trixie grabbed her scarf and then put it around Katya’s neck. 

“Done!” She said with the most adorable tone and grin that she had ever seen, making her heart warm. 

Slowly and being as stealthy as they could, they got out of their room. They walked through those dark and cold hallways like cats trying to find the mouse that was hiding in some corner. They reached the kitchen of the cafeteria, opening the windows and helping each other to get out. It was the only open spot to leave the building, since obviously the main doors that led to the courtyard were closed by the nuns every night.

Once outside, they giggled like little five year olds after getting a gift. They grabbed their hands and ran across the beautiful forest that was right next to their school. They wanted to be a little bit far away, so they wouldn't get caught. 

Katya could see how their breathing was visible thanks to the fog that formed from the cold temperatures. She knew she was going to feel even colder if they kept being there but she didn’t care. They stopped at one of the open parts of the forest where the snow was slowly accumulating on top of the dead leaves.

It was hard to describe how magical and perfect that place looked, it was like a fairy tale, it was like a romantic adventure that she wanted to live in endlessly. Trixie was trying to form small snowballs with the little snow that it was on the ground.

“Come on! What are you waiting for?” She asked with an entertained look in her eyes. Katya couldn't help but grin and mirror her movements. A war was starting.  

“I wanted to give you some advantage, my lady…” She said, with a kind tone, clearly joking.

“Sure, grandma…”

“What did you call me?” Katya squinted her eyes, trying to seem threatening. 

“Grandma! G, R, A, N, D, M, A,” The other blonde spelled correctly with a sassy attitude and a defiant gaze. “What are you going to do about it?”

“This!” Katya was determined and aimed at her hair, throwing her small snowball to her, hitting her almost close where she wanted but nonetheless, in her blonde locks.

Trixie's shocked expression made Katya laugh hysterically, wheezing and shaking her hands uncontrollably as usual. But what she didn’t expect was the Midwestern running towards her to catch her, which made her alert and she also started to run around, trying not to get caught. 

“I’ll get you grandma…” Trixie said with a determined tone and Katya just couldn't keep up, since she was giggling. So, the univetable happened: Trixie grabbed her from behind. But what they didn’t expect was how both of them would slip in that moment, falling together in the snow. Luckily, it was a safe fall.

This made Katya giggle even more. “Are you okay?” Trixie immediately asked as she helped her to turn around, worried about her. 

“I’m okay, it was just funny.” The Russian had snow in her eyes, which she quickly took off from her face. When she was able to see properly, Trixie just laid on the floor beside her, heaving and looking at the sky. “Are you okay?”

“I am, it’s just so beautiful!” She pointed at the sky, gazing at how the snowflakes fell. Katya followed where she pointed, and Trixie was right, but soon her gaze returned to her beautiful honey eyes. 

Her girlfriend’s golden hair was spread on the snow, there was some of it on the ground, decorating beautifully like she was an ice princess, just lying peacefully above the white snow.

“What?” The Midwestern asked, meeting her gaze with a shy smile. Her brain must have been malfunctioning because she had been watching her for a long time and hadn’t realized. 

Instead of making up an excuse, she answered with her cheeks feeling warm. “You’re just so pretty…”     

“Shut up…” Trixie giggled, covering her face, seeming shy all of the sudden. The image in front of her made Katya’s heart flutter. In that moment, when her girlfriend’s timid attitude appeared, it made her realize how lucky she was to have her in her life. 

Trixie made her daily boring routine ten times better, her reality was easier to bear next to her. Her presence in her troubled life gave it all a new meaning. Everything suddenly made sense. Every moment, every choice, every move had led up to this, to her, to Trixie. She could feel the words almost dropping from her lips, like they burnt.  

“Trix… Look at me” She said with a tender tone, and slowly her hands moved away from her face, revealing a blushing Trixie. Then, her eyes went straight to her pink lips, which she approached, finally meeting hers. The contact was filled with the care, affection, and innocence that only a young love could have. 

Katya loved her, she knew she'd do anything for her, she could bring the stars for her or promise her just happiness beside her. When she left her lips, with her eyes still closed, she felt like she was floating in a dream that she didn't want to wake up from. But she knew it wasn't a dream. It was the reality. 

When she opened her eyes and met those honey ones that had a dreamy look in them, she just wanted to say from the bottom of her heart: I love you. 

She opened her mouth to say it and somehow she couldn't find enough courage to say it then. Trixie was gazing at her, intrigued and confused. 

"What's wrong?" Her girlfriend asked with a sweet tone in her adorable voice. 

"I-" A knot in her throat appeared, calling her 'coward' for not being able to say it. "I think I have snow in my ass." She joked lightly instead. 

"Oh my God," Trixie snorted, getting up from the ground and sitting next to her. "Why are we even together?" 

"No idea." They giggled together, and when the silence came back, they looked up and kept watching the snow fall. 

"You know, last year we did this on science class: we took black construction paper and caught snowflakes under the microscope."

"What for?" The Midwestern seemed interested in the little story. 

"For Sister Francine it had a moral: Everybody is different," Katya exaggerated the tone, making fun of the teachings of the class, taking out her tongue and wheezing afterwards, which made her girlfriend cackle.

As she gazed at her, while the other blonde was laughing uncontrollably, she then guessed it would be better to say it on another occasion.  

 

 

***

 

“Katya?” Suddenly her sweet voice made her return to the present, where they were no longer together, where there were still too many things unsaid. She raised her gaze, meeting her eyes. The Russian had stopped in her tracks, she had lost herself in time. They had been walking for a while it seems. The street was empty, not even a soul could be seen on the cold night of November. “Are you okay? You have been quiet the whole time…”  

“I-I’m okay. Just distracted.” Trixie’s eyes looked alert, maybe worried, nodding slightly. Katya noticed that her nose was getting red by the weather. How precious, how adorable. Then as the woman in front of her gave a step forward to keep walking, Katya doubted and kept herself firm in her spot. Her eyes were lost in the ground, looking at a pile of snow, beside the sidewalk. 

She sighed, feeling how her nervous system wasn’t leaving her alone. She had to say something, she had to speak. Trixie then turned around, when she noticed that Katya wasn’t moving. “Are you sure you’re okay?” 

“Yes I-” The Midwestern got closer to her, making sure that she was indeed fine. The teacher looked at her again and opened her heart to her. “I’m just… I’m so sorry about what happened the other day…” 

Trixie’s face then changed slightly to a more serious one, and Katya felt her tense. “Okay…” She let her then elaborate on what she was going to say, waiting in front of her. 

“As I told you that morning, I was really scared… “ Katya started explaining. “After what happened in high school, I was really mad and disappointed at you. I was angry at the world, and I slowly started to convince myself that love wasn’t real, that it doesn't exist. So I made a pact with myself that I wasn’t going to date anyone, just meeting women without any compromises. I thought it was easier for me, since I was afraid of getting hurt. And for years that’s what I did, I was truly convinced that was the best way of living. But then… You came back to my life in the most unexpected way, and turned everything around… “ She took a small pause, exhaling, feeling completely jittery. “Then I started to question myself about the past, the present, what I could do in this new context… At first I came to the conclusion that I just wanted to close that chapter of my life and resolve our old conflict. But then, for some reason it wasn’t enough for me. There was another deep longing inside of me that, for whatever reason, I didn't want to vocalize.” 

“What is that?” Trixie tilted her head, listening carefully.

“That's the hard part to explain… You see, when I saw you that night at the gallery, after having that talk and forgiving you, I was mesmerized by you, almost like the day that we met in that classroom… I just couldn't stop myself, I couldn't leave my eyes from you, like a teenage girl, infatuated by a crush.” The Midwestern lowered her gaze to the floor for a moment, and Katya didn’t want to feed her desperate heart, but she might have been blushing. “That night… What happened between us… I wanted it to happen, I really did… I just freaked out that morning after…”

“And why was that?” The Midwestern raised a brow.

“I wasn’t used to being with someone in that way, all I knew was one night stands. I panicked, I didn't know what to do, and I felt selfish for not being honest to you from the beginning but you see… I don't regret any of it...”

“What? ” The other blonde asked, confused and annoyed.

“Wait, wait, hear me out…” She raised her hands trying to calm her down quickly, and she kept explaining herself. “It was a wake up call, it made me realize that what I was doing all of these years never actually made me happy. I was trying to convince myself to act in a way that after all… It wasn’t really me. I was trying to fill an emptiness in my heart that I actually wasn’t able to do. But since that night I feel that… You were the one who was able to fill it again.”

Trixie seemed stunned by her statement, her lips parted slightly, her eyes shining thanks to the street lights. “What do you mean by that?”

“That you were always the answer Trixie… You were always the only one that had owned my heart… Even if I didn't want to admit it. I tried so hard to hate you, for so many years and I was never able to do it… I tried so hard to forget everything and I never could. And now, I get why…” Katya felt how her voice was trembling and getting weaker, her sight blurry from her tears.    

The Midwestern seemed anxious now, holding to every single word that the Russian was saying. “Why, why?” She asked hesitantly, but restlessly.

“Because I…” She took a brief pause, trying to find the courage to say the next words. “I’ve always loved you” She heard her gasp in the silence of the night, seeing her tears fall on her cheeks. “I always did, even in those moments that I tried to say to myself that you were the worst person on this planet”

“Katya…” The woman in front of her still seemed shocked, grabbing her hand tightly, getting closer to her.

“I’m not gonna lie, this was scary to say… And I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future but, this time I won’t let you go.” Katya didn’t realize that she was heaving in that moment, thanks to her nervousness; but being able to say what she had been hiding and repressing for days was liberating. 

Trixie then hugged her tightly, to which she needed it desperately, grabbing onto her, closing her eyes. The Russian exhaled a long sigh, welcoming the warmth of the contact. It felt a huge weight out of her shoulders to open up to her with all the sincerity of Katya’s pained heart. “I won’t let you go either...” Then she grinned at hearing her reassuring words.

Sooner that she wanted too, that hug ended. “Let’s get going, I’m freezing,” Trixie declared with a giggle.  

They walked close to one another, arms brushing from time to time, and Katya wished nothing more than to take Trixie’s hand in hers. But she didn’t, not yet. Before she knew it they were inside her apartment. After that door closed, Katya felt like sighing in relief of being at home again. When both were taking their coats off, she could see her more calm too and that made her feel more at ease. She hung her black coat and in that moment, out of the blue, the other blonde requested something.

“Can we sit? My legs are still shaking.” Katya couldn't help but lower her gaze to her legs and immediately her brain had an idea. “I’ll light up the fireplace, it’s not that big but it will keep us warm.” 

“Sounds good,” Trixie nodded instantly.  So the Russian looked for some matches, and in a matter of minutes she was looking for some pillows and a pair of fuzzy blankets so the other woman could keep herself warm enough. 

When the Midwestern saw her with the items she was more than eager to wrap herself up with it, sitting in front of the fire.  “Do you want something to drink? Maybe something warm?” Katya offered.

“Maybe tea… If that’s not too much to ask,” Trixie had a soft smile, and Katya quickly assured her. 

“No, that’s fine.” She made her way to her kitchen to make a cup of tea for her. A couple minutes later she was returning, giving the cup to her and receiving a warm smile in exchange. But, instead of sitting next to her, she stayed still.

“What's wrong?” Trixie asked after drinking a sip of tea. 

“Nothing, just… There’s something I wanted to show you. Give me a second.” The other blonde said ‘sure’, and immediately Katya went to her bedroom. She looked for her satchel bag that she uses for work, finding her notebook and bringing it. The blue eyed girl sat next to the other blonde. 

“Look” Katya gave her the drawing she had made at school; covering herself with a blanket. 

“Wow, Katya...I-”The Midwestern looked starstruck by the portrait in her hands, analyzing it with her gaze  “Didn’t you stop drawing faces?” 

“Yes I did...I don’t know what happened, that morning I had your face clearly in my mind and I just needed to draw it…” Katya felt herself flush as she explained the reason why. “I can only draw you I guess…”

“That is…” Trixie had her eyes again on the drawing, observing it with awe. The Russian thought that she seemed moved by what she just showed to her. “This is so sweet…”

There was a soft look in her honey eyes that Katya hadn't forgotten yet. It instantly reminded her of that snowy night in the forest. The warm light that the fireplace was illuminating gave them this cozy and probably romantic settling. Their eyes kept in that contact that made her chest tighten, unable to breathe properly. “Trix...I-”

A small ‘Yes?’ came out from her lips, with a scared but hopeful tone that she had read immediately. She felt the air fill her lungs and her mind was counting how many freckles Trixie had gotten over the years. But nonetheless, her heart couldn't be stopped from the sudden anxiousness that it was rising once again; as usual on that night. Then her mouth was quicker than her mind. “I wanna kiss you.” 

“Please do,” As soon as the ‘O’ was pronounced, Katya was pressing her lips softly against her.s Trixie was more than welcoming to them, reciprocating it immediately but with tenderness in it. The Midwestern grabbed her by the jaw gently, while Katya was grabbing her by the waist, getting closer to her. 

The blue eyed girl sighed in her mouth in relief, feeling at peace after tasting her lips again. Trixie was holding onto her even more, both hands now wrapping her; one of it on her hair and the other one on her lower back. 

In that kiss they seemed to express the still burning love that they felt for each other, but not only the one they were feeling now, but a kiss that conveyed the longing of a love that was lost. A kiss that was more meaningful, to compensate for the lost time between each other. 

There was no rush, there was no fear, they weren’t hesitant anymore. There was nothing that could stop them, there wasn’t an obstacle, an impediment for them to be together ever again. It felt liberating, it felt good. It felt that against all the odds, their love had won. 

Soon, her lips were gone and that took her out of the trance that she was in.  Katya opened her eyes to find a hesitant Trixie, still very close to her. “Kat… I want to know something…”

“What?” Immediately she asked, unsure of what could be happening.

“I’m just… I’m scared of tomorrow, I’m scared of waking up and that you change your mind about us…” Her voice sounded so small that it actually made Katya’s heart melt with tenderness. But she could understand where she came from, and why she would bring this up. 

The Russian was quick to clear up any doubts out of her mind. “Baby…” She put her hand on her chin gently, smiling softly at her. “I’m sure about this, I don’t have any more doubts about being with you”.  That seemed to take the tension out of Trixie, who caught her lips again, kissing her once again with undeniable affection and fervor.

The warmth soon came back to her body, not only thanks to the fire in front of them but also, thanks to their heated contact. Trixie seemed to feel like this too, when she started to take off the other blonde’s blouse, to which then followed the Midwestern’s turtleneck shirt. 

Slowly, every item of clothing was getting discarded, as they ended up laying on the floor, their lips moving passionately, their naked skin making contact once again. Katya couldn't explain how special this moment was, how well their bodies fit together, there was no desperation, just a safe space to express their love in an intimate way. 

Her hands were exploring Trixie’s skin with care, her mountains, her curves that felt like silk under her digits. She wanted to worship her, to express how much love she had for her; and somehow it reminded her of their first time, back in their room under the covers, trying to stay quiet.  

Then, her hand went to the most intimate place of hers, feeling gently with her fingers. With her touch, she was able to tell how aroused the other woman was. A soft moan came out from her lips expressing her lust.

“Kat…” Trixie pleaded with desire, gazing at her blue eyes. Katya smiled and then kissed her neck as she filled her with her fingers softly. 

Trixie's hands grabbed Katya’s back tightly, as her lips were agape, sighing in pleasure as the other woman moved her fingers skillfully inside of her. 

The Russian then sat, perching Trixie on top of her legs. Without any words said between each other, the woman of the honey eyes was eager to reach her pleasure, moving her hips on her own accord, riding her fingers. Katya sensed with her digits how warm and soft her insides felt, sliding easily in and out of her.

Katya gazed at Trixie as she moved in front of her. She looked beautiful, angelic even, making her wonder how she got this lucky, and how could she had been so dumb to let this much time go by. Then she kissed Trixie, trying to show her everything that she was too scared to say, show her how much she loved her, how much she wanted her in her life, now and forever. The Midwestern broke the kiss with a gasp as Katya felt her contracting around her fingers.

She rode her orgasm, as she saw the woman on top of her tilt her head backwards, gasping in ecstasy, her eyes closed, her lips moaning obscenely. Trixie rested her head on Katya’s shoulder, trying to stabilize her breath.

“You’re so beautiful,” Katya inhaled against her hair, and the scent smelled like fresh jasmine.

Trixie lifted her head and they gazed at each other with a tender smile, as the silence kept between them. Katya caressed Trixie’s cheek, which felt soft as the silk, and the blonde rested her head against it.

“Trix…” Katya suddenly whispered her name.

“Mmm?” The Midwestern had her entire attention on her. 

“I love you,” she confessed to her, taking some strands of hair from her pretty face.

The woman with the honey eyes flushed, under her gaze and replied. “I love you too”.