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Something to Remember

Chapter Text

1966

 

“You look like you’re going to shit your pants at any moment.” Bianca giggled after her joke as she sat beside her on the table. Katya’s leg couldn’t stop moving under it, shaking nervously as both of them waited. 

They were in the restaurant they had chosen for their reunion. Thanksgiving was next Thursday, so they planned a meeting with their friends, Violet and Adore, since they would always come back to the city again to see their families.

What better moment to have a nice gathering? Katya had agreed, but Bianca also had the idea of inviting Trixie to the reunion. That made her completely nervous because she hadn’t talked to her yet since the fiasco. Either way, her best friend had told her that convincing the Midwestern had been a tough task to do, since Trixie wasn’t really persuaded by her words at first.

But Bianca was doing what probably no other friend had done for her: she didn’t give up, and after all, she convinced Trixie to meet up with them that night. Katya felt like she owed her whole life to the brunette now. Bianca agreed with that statement, she even told her that if she fucked up this time, her head would be rolling down the main avenue of Chicago. 

Katya was determined to make things right this time. She had an entire week contemplating her relationship with Trixie in the present and her own feelings towards her. What Bianca had said that afternoon at her apartment was registered on her mind, like a record playing, on and on. Maybe her friend was right, maybe risking herself could be one of the best things that she could do right now. After all, she didn’t have anything more to lose.

A few days prior, during lunch time at work, she decided to sit on her own, away from the other teachers, thinking restlessly about her . Now that she reflected on it, Trixie had changed, and to be honest, she had to admit that she adored the adult Trixie. Even though at first she had made a mistake when they met again, that night at the Gallery, she showed a new attitude. She was more daring, more sure about herself, funny, witty, provocative and sexy. 

The morning after, when they woke up together, there was a sweet, caring and soft demeanour on her, that made her fall on her knees. There was no one other than her, even if she wanted to lie  to herself, she was the only one who had always owned her heart. Even that afternoon at the café when she waved at her, Katya knew she was fucked. 

The blonde grabbed a piece of paper from her notebook and started to draw whatever came to her mind, no planning, no deep thoughts, just her hand wandering over the paper. A set of eyes came first, a few more traces and she had a nose too, and before she knew it she had a full face. A face too familiar to ignore the fact that even without trying she knew exactly who she was. A woman was sleeping peacefully in that drawing, with her curls delicately spread over her face and the pillow.  

Katya stared at the piece of paper in shock of her own actions, almost embarrassed at how on point her drawing was. She had managed to get almost every detail in Trixie’s face with nothing but her own memories of her, not a picture, not the girl laying in front of her posing for a portrait.

“That’s beautiful, Katya,” one of her coworkers commented, who was passing by and then stopped to look at it, as she looked at the picture over the Russian’s shoulder. “Who is that?”

“No one in particular,” she lied looking back at the science teacher. “It’s just a scribble.”

“Wow! I wouldn’t be able to draw something like that on my best day. I guess that’s why I’m not the art teacher,” the woman chuckled before walking over to another table to have lunch.

Katya laughed politely at the woman’s joke, but all she wanted to do was hide Trixie’s drawing from everyone’s gaze, just keep it to herself and not share it with anyone. It felt like that small piece of paper contained her biggest secret and yet the most obvious one. Trixie, her Trixie.

She didn’t want to give it much thought, even if the Midwestern kept popping up in Katya’s thoughts. Paying attention to her thoughts was going to only get her to one conclusion: she missed her ex-girlfriend, and that was a terrifying thought, because if she misses her then she has more to lose. Then, Katya had no idea when she would be able to talk to Trixie, she had no idea if the Midwestern would even give her the opportunity to have a talk. And even if the stars aligned in her favor and Trixie decided she would listen to her, Katya had no idea what would happen next. So she just didn’t think about it, she definitely didn’t think about Trixie’s eyes, and her plump lips, and her beautiful ass.

Suddenly, her thoughts were interrupted by two brunettes that entered the restaurant talking and laughing. When both of them spotted Bianca and Katya, they almost sprinted to the tables they had reserved for the meeting, pretty eager to see them. The Russian shared the sentiment, quickly getting up off her chair and hugging both of them.

“I’ve missed you two so much!” The blonde confessed as she was embracing Adore with a big smile on her face.

“Me too, I haven’t seen you two since Easter!” Violet commented after hugging Bianca. 

Soon after everyone greeted each other, they were seated already being chaotic, talking over each other and giggling. Katya knew that this would happen, since they always spent so much time apart from each other and the holidays were the perfect excuse for them to reunite. 

“I swear to y’all, I don’t have any idea how I had the nerve to leave my fianceé all alone with my parents... That is real friendship,” Violet commented, joking with a sly smile on her face.

“You can go whenever you want to, there’s the door…” Bianca teased, with a satisfied smile.

“Don’t tempt me, you asshole,” she said, opening the menu. “I’m not sixteen anymore, I don’t have to pretend to be nice so the nuns don’t get on my nerves.”

“And you used to be nice back then?” Bianca asked as she raised an eyebrow, making Adore and Katya chuckle.

“I said pretend, not that I was actually nice,” Violet pointed out with a smile. “Now that we’re all here, are we ordering or what?”

“Actually we’re still waiting for someone,” Bianca said with a sly smile, taking the menu from Violet’s hands.

“Hey, I was reading that!” She complained with a pointed look in her eyes to Bianca. “Plus, I thought this was a girls night, no plus ones”

“Not someone like that, you idiot,” Bianca rolled her eyes as she sighed. “Trixie is coming as well.”

“What?! Sacred Heart Trixie?” Adore asked, surprised, eyes wide enough that made Katya remember the Midwestern’s face when they saw each other on the street that unforgettable Thursday.

“Shut up!” Violet said in awe. “I haven’t seen her since graduation!”

“What about Katya? She probably hasn’t seen Trixie since she got expelled,” Adore joked with an amused smile.

“We actually saw each other a few times,” Katya explained, fixing her hair nervously. “She even came to my art exhibition the other day.”

“And?” Violet asked with a grin that seemed to have ulterior motives, probably to mess around with her.

“And what?” The Russian asked, smiling slightly; clearly confused, as she shifted on her seat.

“Do you still have a big fat girl crush on her?” Violet finally spilled out the question bluntly.

“Violet!” Adore reprimanded her, trying to stifle a laugh and grabbing her by the wrist.

“Oh, come on!” Violet complained, then justifying herself. “She’s out now, we can talk about how she followed Trixie around school like a puppy.”

Katya’s eyes opened wide. She didn’t expect to be an expert at hiding, especially after getting caught, but the Russian was sure she had been able to keep her friends in the dark about her crush on Trixie back then. Katya shifted her gaze from Violet to Bianca, waiting for her friend to defend her honor, but Bianca just shrugged.

“I did ask you if you had a crush on her that day while we were smoking, remember?” Bianca said giggling, raising a brow “The way you ran away girl…”

“And then she had the audacity of being mad that we weren’t surprised when she came out,” Violet said, rolling her eyes. “Believe me, we tried!”

“That’s just stupid, I wasn’t that obvious,” Katya protested, trying to laugh it off, like she was unbothered about it.

“So that’s you admitting you liked Trixie?” Adore pointed out, now laughing.

Katya started to get more nervous. She hadn’t taken into account the fact that her friends may have suspected her feelings for Trixie, and she really hoped that when the blonde joined them, they would behave. Who was she kidding? It would probably take them less than five minutes to make a comment about it.

“I really don’t like any of you right now,” she huffed, leaning back on her chair, her feet shaking under the table, anxious again.

“Like Bianca said, you can go whenever you want to, there’s the door…” Violet said pointing at the restaurant’s door with a satisfied smile.

Right then it opened, and Katya felt it was a good moment to die. Trixie walked in, taking her breath away. Her hair was as high as Brigitte Bardot’s, and she had even gotten bangs. Her outfit was entirely black; she was wearing a turtleneck, paired with a pencil miniskirt, gogo boots and stockings of the same color. Only her coat was white, contrasting her look. 

Her lungs were out of air, and she was clenching her tights at seeing the Midwestern wearing one of her favorite colors. She’d never thought she'd be seeing the other blonde wearing it and that drove her insane.  

“I guess that answers your question, Vi,” Adore teased, making everyone at the table except Katya laugh. “Did you really think we wouldn’t realize when you look at her like that?”

“Ugh, shut up,” Katya said as she smiled and made a hand gesture so Trixie would see where they were seated. “Not a word”. She mumbled under her teeth. 

Then, her eyes met with the blonde’s and Katya visibly swallowed, which gained another giggle among the other girls. Meanwhile Trixie was expressionless when she saw the Russian, approaching where they were seated. 

“Hi everyone!” Trixie said as she stood in front of the table, now with a big smile on her face. She looked shy and hesitant, Katya thought to herself. 

“Well, look what the cat dragged in!” Violet jested, suppressing a smile.

“Girl, take a seat. You’re making me nervous standing there,” Bianca commented and pointed to the empty chair in front of her.

“It’s been so long! What have you girls been up to?” Trixie asked, interested, sitting down next to Adore.  

“Well, I live in LA now, I moved to start my singing career,” Adore answered excitedly, turning towards Trixie.

“Oh my god Adore, that’s awesome!” The Midwestern said with genuine happiness for her high school friend.

“It wasn’t easy though, it still isn’t. At first I worked as a waitress and they let me sing some nights if the band cancelled at the last minute,” Adore explained. “Then, I was also cast as an extra in movies. But I finally recorded my demo, and now I have to wait and see if any record company wants to produce my first album.” 

“I think LA fits you perfectly, and I really hope you get the call!” 

“Thanks Trixie! I need all the good energy I can get.”

“Then I’ll send as much as I possibly can your way,” Trixie said with a warm smile, and then her gaze turned to the other brunette “What about you, Vi?”

“I moved to New York to pursue my love and passion for fashion so I studied fashion design. All those years of reading magazines paid off, it seems,'' the woman joked, “I graduated and now I’m starting my own clothing line. Oh, and I’m also engaged…” Violet said with a smile, stretching over Adore so she could show off her ring. The designer seemed genuinely happy about it and Katya saw how the Midwestern was sharing the joy with her. 

“This ring… Oh my god, it’s stunning…” Trixie complimented, grabbing the brunette’s hand to take a good gaze at the ring, looking fascinated by it.

“Right? I still can’t believe it!” Violet beamed. “I expected it to happen eventually, but it still took me by surprise.”

“Congratulations! Tell me everything, what’s his name?” Immediately, Trixie asked with excitement in her voice.

“It’s Maxwell. He’s a lawyer so he is helping me with the administrative part of my little business,” Violet explained, signing to the waiter that they were ready to order.

“Oh that’s a keeper…” Trixie winked at her and giggled charmingly.

Katya watched the interaction in silence. It pained her that since she got here, Trixie had been completely ignoring her. She wished nothing more than to switch places with Adore and take the Midwestern’s face in her hands so she would look into Katya's eyes. The young waiter walked towards them with a polite smile to take their order, interrupting the Russian’s train of thought.

“You’re still a vegetarian?” Bianca asked when Trixie ordered her spaghetti alfredo without chicken.

“Yeah, I haven't eaten meat since I was a kid,” Trixie grinned, seeming proud of this fact.

“I honestly don’t know how you do it,” Adore said laughing. “I would die after a week.”

“I don’t really know, it’s not like I miss it, '' Trixie shrugged.

“You’ve been doing a lot of chatting, but you haven’t told us what you have been up to,” Adore pointed out, and by her facial expression, Katya guessed that the other blonde for some reason, didn’t expect the focus of the conversation to stir towards her. Trixie’s smile faltered slowly, her demeanour changing and only the Russian knew how to pick her quirks.

“Not much… Uh… After we graduated I went back to Wisconsin and worked as a cashier,” the blonde shifted in her seat, looking uncomfortable. “But a year ago I moved to Chicago, and now I’m working in a salon.”

“Oh, so you’re a hairdresser?” Adore asked, with a small smile.

Trixie then nodded as an answer, not really seeming to share more of it. Bianca, probably realizing how uncomfortable Trixie was, changed the subject, asking how Violet's parents were doing. 

Katya preferred to keep silent, if she was honest, she didn’t know how to intercede in the conversation so far. Also, maybe it was just her impression, but her ex looked pretty off, and quickly her suspicions seemed to be confirmed when Trixie out of nowhere excused herself to the bathroom.

Bianca immediately made eye contact with Katya, sharing a serious and knowing look. That made her get off her seat and go after her. 

As she got closer to that room, the ambience music, the laughter and voices were getting muffled. When she reached the door, she stopped, second guessing what she was doing. But after all she wasn’t going to chicken out of it. She pushed herself and entered discreetly, without making that much noise. Her eyes encountered a blonde that was sniffling, wiping with the most delicate movements her tears, trying not to ruin her makeup, Katya guessed. 

Then it dawned on her: Trixie was still pained about how everything turned out and her plans failing. She didn’t become a doctor, as she expected, but a hairdresser. 

She wanted to say something, she wanted to hug her, to console her. She wanted to tell her that everything was fine, that she shouldn't feel ashamed of what she has achieved. She wanted to take those tears away from her pretty little face and yet she couldn't. In those seconds, Trixie seemed so weak, standing in front of a mirror, her head hanging low, but from the reflection, Katya could see almost all of it.

But then Trixie looked up and their eyes met in the mirror, giving her chills down her spine. It was hard to explain how Katya had felt in that exact moment, a sudden shyness and embarrassment took over her, doubting if it had been a good idea to go there.   

The girl with honey eyes suddenly changed her demeanor, trying to look unbothered, and more serious, disguising her sadness and showing herself as a tough woman. Katya couldn't blame her, she would have done the same thing. “What are you doing here?” Her question had a neutral tone, but there was some annoyance in it. 

“I wanted to see if you were okay… I know that maybe their questions might have been hard for you…” The Russian showed sincerity to her, she wasn’t going to make up an excuse for why she was here. 

“Since when do you care?” Trixie looked away from the mirror, now meeting her gaze across the room. This time, her words sounded more hostile and the blue eyed girl didn’t know what to do with herself. 

“Why wouldn't I?” Her words came out faster than she expected.

“Please, don’t show compassion to me. I don’t need it.” Trixie turned her head to say those last words, to later, have her attention on her reflection, her lips pursing. 

Katya moved her feet, just to get closer to her, trying not to scare her in the process. “Trixie, please, you know I don’t mean it in that way…”

The taller girl had dried her tears, and now she was reapplying some powder under her eyes to conceal any trace of smudged eyeliner. “Stop it, I don’t want to look more pathetic than I do right now. I don’t want your sympathy or pity.” She commanded with a stern voice. 

“Trix, it’s not like that at all,” Katya sighed, her hand trying to reach out for the other blonde, but she decided not to midway. 

“Don’t ‘Trix’ me. I’ve been through enough to deal with this. Please, leave me alone.” The Midwestern looked at her once in the mirror, finishing fixing her makeup.

“I really need to talk to you…” Katya insisted once again, not giving up on her, no matter what.

“Well, this is not the place to do so. Don’t you think?” Trixie said with a stern tone in her voice.

“Can we do it after this?” She tried, hoping that there was a chance. 

“Okay…” Katya felt that she was lucky enough to get an opportunity to be heard, so she just nodded in silence, finally, leaving her alone in that bathroom without saying another word. 

As she was heading to the table, she was more than relieved thanks to this interaction. Now she only had to express herself with just honesty, it was nerve breaking but, it was preferred to be a fighter than a chicken, losing the love of her life forever. 

Thankfully when she was with the girls again, they didn’t pay that much attention to her. Since she left for a couple of minutes, they were immersed in a conversation. But soon she realized that Bianca was the one who had them distracted so it wouldn't be weird for them. When she sat down she shared a look with the seamstress, nodding to her, letting her know that everything was okay. 

Then she included herself in the conversation that involved how annoying Adore's roommate was. Soon after, Trixie came back from the bathroom, with a different energy than the one she had before she left, which made her glad, since the mood at the table was more pleasant now.

Their conversation was momentarily interrupted by the waiter who placed their plates in front of them, and left as quickly as he could, intimidated by Violet’s cold demeanor. 

So, they started to eat and enjoy their meal, including their conversations that so far, were fun. Until they weren't for Katya. 

“Wait!” Violet said with her palms up after finishing her dish, with an excited tone, her eyes lighting up at something. Katya guessed she had an idea that it was very amusing to her. “Since Trixie is here… and Katya is too... There's something I’m very curious to know…” There was a conspiratorial tone in her voice and whatever she was going to say was making her anxious.

“What?” Adore was interested and excited, which was immediately shown in the way she had asked that. 

“I want to know why Katya was actually expelled. Because I never really bought that little story. Also, if I remember clearly, this woman…” She looked at trixie. “Looked very suspicious back then…”

Not this , the Russian told herself mentally, sighing silently afterwards. She made eye contact with Bianca who seemed really interested and entertained in some way by it. She knew that little smile on her friend’s face, so she quickly figured that she had to get out of this one by herself.    

“Well… Uh-" How could she handle this? What could she say? Her hands were sweaty "You’re right… I didn’t get expelled for that reason…” She started completely unsure of what she was doing, barely making any eye contact with Violet or Adore and she wondered if they really had guessed what had happened. It was hard to open her mouth again, since her mind went blank, trying to explain. The thing is that she didn’t know if it was worth it to say the truth or again, another lie. 

Then, she raised her desperate and unsure gaze to Trixie, who seemed to share the same worry as her, and still she wasn’t able to figure out what to do. But it seemed that their exchange of looks was telling enough.

“No way!” Violet then exclaimed, her mouth hanging open, grabbing Adore’s arm. Both of them were completely amused by it. “I told you Adore! God I’m so good at this!”

“What?” Trixie immediately asked nervously, Katya could notice it in her voice.

“You two were together, I knew it!” Violet explained pointing at both of them as she giggled.

“I-” Again, her brain wasn’t working properly in this situation, feeling the temperature rise on her face, and when she looked at Trixie again, both of them seemed to be too obvious to fool their friends one more time.

“I told these two back then, and we all agreed you had a big crush on Miss Tracy but no one thought she would like you back,” Violet explained with the biggest smile ever, happy to know she had been right all along. “I mean, can I really blame them? But I guess there’s no text book when it comes to taste.”

“Or lack of taste,” Bianca pointed out mocking them.

“But by the way Trixie blushed every time Katya even acknowledged her presence, she had to like her back,” Violet added taking a sip from her wine. “And since Miss Bianca here doesn’t trust my judgement she had to go and ask Katya.”

“That’s why you asked me if we were together that day while smoking?” The Russian asked, turning to her friend.

“Bianca knew?!” Trixie gasped “And you pretended like you knew nothing when she got expelled!”

“I knew but I didn’t know,” Bianca shrugged. “It’s not like she said ‘Yes, Trixie and I make out constantly before bed’! She just ran away like a coward.”

“And then we reached the conclusion that you,” Adore said, pointing to Katya, “had a crush on Trixie.”

“I was sure you were together,” Violet pointed out. “Especially after you got expelled, but Adore kept telling me I was delusional.”

“What? I thought Trixie had better taste,” Adore defended herself.

“Never have faith in people, they’ll disappoint you,” Violet said, taking a sip from her wine again.

“Funny how you criticise Trixie’s taste for liking me but you still like men,” Katya huffed, moving her head in disapproval.

“You’re just bitter because you’re single,” Violet smirked. “If you keep the bad attitude I will uninvite you to the wedding.” 

“And dare have an unmatching number of bridesmaids and groomsmen?” Katya challenged her. “Quite the scandal.”

“I can always replace you honey, I’m sure Pearl would love to take your spot.”

“Oh sure! If she’s able to get out of bed for it,” Bianca joked.

“She’ll definitely get out of bed if I invite Adore’s brother to the wedding,” Violet said laughing.

“Ew, not this again,” Adore scrunched her nose, hiding her face on her palms.

“Are you truly capable of inviting two more people just to be petty and uninvite me?” Katya asked, raising her eyebrow.

“The fact that you even have to ask is kind of insulting, Katya.” 

“Wait,” Trixie said, confused at what they were referring to. “Who’s Pearl?”

“Violet’s main model for the launch campaign,” Adore explained, beating Katya to it. “Apparently she slept with my brother when she used to live in LA, not that I needed that information,” she said pointedly towards Violet.

“How is your brother anyways?” Katya asked, trying  to change the subject.

“He’s alright, trying to get his life together,” Adore answered with a smile. “The other day he told mom he wanted to find a wife, can you imagine? As if you just found them at the grocery store.”

“Like your brother would ever go get groceries,” Bianca laughed.

“Exactly what I thought! But of course mom was over the moon with this,” Adore sighed, leaning on her chair. “At least one of her children planned on settling down.”

“Parents are the worst,” Katya agreed, sounding like an angsty teenager.

“Have you talked to your parents lately? How are they?” Adore asked.

“We had dinner the other day after my little cousin’s birthday” Katya sighed “And everything was ok but then my mom had to mention the fact that I should be dating more, and how many great single sons their friends have.”

“Oh no,” Bianca said, knowing how much that affected her friend.

“Oh yeah, and I was really planning on letting it slide, but before I knew it I was yelling at my parents what a huge lesbian I am and if they couldn’t deal with it then too bad, and kind of left.”

For the first time since they got there the table became serious, which made Katya a little bit uncomfortable. Her friends had always been good at distracting her and making her feel better about anything that bothered her.

“You yelled at your mother?” Adore gasped “That woman is scary.”

“I know, but I was just so tired of everything…”

“I can only imagine, Kat,” Violet said taking the Russian’s hand in hers. “I’m sorry that you had to go through this.”

“You definitely do not deserve to be treated that way, I’m so sorry Kat,'' Trixie said with a sympathetic smile, and the Russian wished Violet would let go of her hand just so she could hold Trixie’s.

Katya took a deep breath, trying to avoid the tears. It didn’t matter how much she expected not to hear from her parents since that night, she still had a little bit of hope that they would reach out, that they would love her more than they worried about what other people said. 

“I’m sure they’ll come around eventually,” Adore smiled reassuringly.

“Yeah, and whatever happens we’re always here to support you,” Bianca agreed.

“Absolutely,” Violet chimed in.

“I really appreciate it girls, for real.” Katya smiled, still fighting the tears, but now being moved by what everything their friends had said. “Now let’s change the subject because this was kind of corny and disgusting.”

“Oh, thank god,” Bianca sighed. “I couldn’t pretend to be nice any longer.”

“I know!” Violet said straightening herself on her chair. “Niceness doesn’t suit me.”

The table moved on to the next subject, but Katya couldn’t stop thinking about how no matter the distance, or the time that went by, or how much they swore they couldn’t stand each other, these girls would always be there for her.

By the time they asked for the check, Violet and Adore were tipsy, they were giggling something about Adore taking the waiter from the table next to theirs to LA with her. Meanwhile, Bianca tried to usher them out of the restaurant as swiftly as possible without bothering anyone.

“It was actually not terrible to see you again, Beatrice,” Violet said with a smile as she extended her arm to get a cab. “Don’t be a stranger, ok?” 

“I promise,” Trixie said, smiling.

“Great, because I won’t hesitate before hunting you down if you disappear again,” she said, surprising everyone as she gave Trixie a hug. “Whatever, goodbye dummies.” She waved before getting inside the taxi.

“Well, that was weird,” Bianca said as they saw the car turn a corner.

“Did Violet Chachki just hug me?” Trixie asked, still surprised. “The girl who wouldn’t let her parents hug her at graduation so they wouldn’t wrinkle her gown? I’m in shock.”

“You and I both,” Bianca agreed before turning to Adore. “Should we get going?”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Katya raised her eyebrow at Bianca who just shrugged “I may be Satan’s daughter but I won’t make Adore pay for a hotel, she’s a starving artist.”

“Hey!” The brunette complained “I am, but you’re not supposed to say it out loud.”

“Alright, whatever you say. Now let’s go, it’s freezing here” Bianca complained before they said their goodbyes and left.

Both women stood there in awkward silence, not really knowing what to say. Katya was about to ask Trixie if they should get going, but the Midweterner spoke first.

“I’m truly sorry about your parents,” she said, turning to face Katya. “I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but I just want you to know that I think it was very brave that you stood up for yourself and that I’m proud of you,” she smiled softly after those last words.

“Thank you,” Katya responded, surprised, almost whispering. “It means a lot”

Trixie raised her hand to the Russian’s arm and gave it a gentle squeeze before sighing. Katya felt the cold, the lack of touch as soon as the other woman let go of her arm, she wanted to ask her to keep it there forever, or even for just one more second, but she didn’t.

“Should we go as well?” Katya asked, pointing in the direction to her apartment with her head.

“Yeah, unless you plan on standing here in the snow all night,” Trixie joked as she started walking.

The night before, the first snow had fallen, leaving a beautiful white that coated the city. As they stomped on the sidewalk, she was watching her own boots walking on those snowflakes. None of them said a word, only the noise of the few cars passing by on the street were filling their silence.

Katya’s gaze raised, looking at the dark sky.  At that exact moment, she wished that it would snow again. 

 

***

 

Her body was in a deep slumber. She felt that she was moving thanks to something, or someone. She barely had to open her eyes to find a way too excited Trixie above her. 

“Kat… Kitty Kat… Wake up!” Her girlfriend had a joyful tone in her voice that had her so confused at those early hours of the morning. 

“What’s going on?” Her voice might have sounded rough, but it was more than normal after sleeping for so many hours.

“It’s snowing! Look!” Again, she insisted, whispering to her. The Russian stirred her limbs and then tried to sit on her bed. 

The other blonde was standing now, next to the window, looking outside from their small window, with a huge smile on her face. When Katya got up, she joined her by her side, watching those snowflakes fall almost perfectly into the night, sending some calmness to her heart.

An idea popped up in her mind, “Should we go outside?” Katya then met her girlfriend’s gaze, smiling to herself, daring her to do something fun yet risky. 

“Now?” The Midwestern’s eyes were wide for a second, then looking at the window again, like she was considering her question. After a while in silence she finally answered with a playful grin: “Okay”

Both of them giggled as they put their coats on top of their pajamas, without forgetting their shoes. Trixie grabbed her scarf and then put it around Katya’s neck. 

“Done!” She said with the most adorable tone and grin that she had ever seen, making her heart warm. 

Slowly and being as stealthy as they could, they got out of their room. They walked through those dark and cold hallways like cats trying to find the mouse that was hiding in some corner. They reached the kitchen of the cafeteria, opening the windows and helping each other to get out. It was the only open spot to leave the building, since obviously the main doors that led to the courtyard were closed by the nuns every night.

Once outside, they giggled like little five year olds after getting a gift. They grabbed their hands and ran across the beautiful forest that was right next to their school. They wanted to be a little bit far away, so they wouldn't get caught. 

Katya could see how their breathing was visible thanks to the fog that formed from the cold temperatures. She knew she was going to feel even colder if they kept being there but she didn’t care. They stopped at one of the open parts of the forest where the snow was slowly accumulating on top of the dead leaves.

It was hard to describe how magical and perfect that place looked, it was like a fairy tale, it was like a romantic adventure that she wanted to live in endlessly. Trixie was trying to form small snowballs with the little snow that it was on the ground.

“Come on! What are you waiting for?” She asked with an entertained look in her eyes. Katya couldn't help but grin and mirror her movements. A war was starting.  

“I wanted to give you some advantage, my lady…” She said, with a kind tone, clearly joking.

“Sure, grandma…”

“What did you call me?” Katya squinted her eyes, trying to seem threatening. 

“Grandma! G, R, A, N, D, M, A,” The other blonde spelled correctly with a sassy attitude and a defiant gaze. “What are you going to do about it?”

“This!” Katya was determined and aimed at her hair, throwing her small snowball to her, hitting her almost close where she wanted but nonetheless, in her blonde locks.

Trixie's shocked expression made Katya laugh hysterically, wheezing and shaking her hands uncontrollably as usual. But what she didn’t expect was the Midwestern running towards her to catch her, which made her alert and she also started to run around, trying not to get caught. 

“I’ll get you grandma…” Trixie said with a determined tone and Katya just couldn't keep up, since she was giggling. So, the univetable happened: Trixie grabbed her from behind. But what they didn’t expect was how both of them would slip in that moment, falling together in the snow. Luckily, it was a safe fall.

This made Katya giggle even more. “Are you okay?” Trixie immediately asked as she helped her to turn around, worried about her. 

“I’m okay, it was just funny.” The Russian had snow in her eyes, which she quickly took off from her face. When she was able to see properly, Trixie just laid on the floor beside her, heaving and looking at the sky. “Are you okay?”

“I am, it’s just so beautiful!” She pointed at the sky, gazing at how the snowflakes fell. Katya followed where she pointed, and Trixie was right, but soon her gaze returned to her beautiful honey eyes. 

Her girlfriend’s golden hair was spread on the snow, there was some of it on the ground, decorating beautifully like she was an ice princess, just lying peacefully above the white snow.

“What?” The Midwestern asked, meeting her gaze with a shy smile. Her brain must have been malfunctioning because she had been watching her for a long time and hadn’t realized. 

Instead of making up an excuse, she answered with her cheeks feeling warm. “You’re just so pretty…”     

“Shut up…” Trixie giggled, covering her face, seeming shy all of the sudden. The image in front of her made Katya’s heart flutter. In that moment, when her girlfriend’s timid attitude appeared, it made her realize how lucky she was to have her in her life. 

Trixie made her daily boring routine ten times better, her reality was easier to bear next to her. Her presence in her troubled life gave it all a new meaning. Everything suddenly made sense. Every moment, every choice, every move had led up to this, to her, to Trixie. She could feel the words almost dropping from her lips, like they burnt.  

“Trix… Look at me” She said with a tender tone, and slowly her hands moved away from her face, revealing a blushing Trixie. Then, her eyes went straight to her pink lips, which she approached, finally meeting hers. The contact was filled with the care, affection, and innocence that only a young love could have. 

Katya loved her, she knew she'd do anything for her, she could bring the stars for her or promise her just happiness beside her. When she left her lips, with her eyes still closed, she felt like she was floating in a dream that she didn't want to wake up from. But she knew it wasn't a dream. It was the reality. 

When she opened her eyes and met those honey ones that had a dreamy look in them, she just wanted to say from the bottom of her heart: I love you. 

She opened her mouth to say it and somehow she couldn't find enough courage to say it then. Trixie was gazing at her, intrigued and confused. 

"What's wrong?" Her girlfriend asked with a sweet tone in her adorable voice. 

"I-" A knot in her throat appeared, calling her 'coward' for not being able to say it. "I think I have snow in my ass." She joked lightly instead. 

"Oh my God," Trixie snorted, getting up from the ground and sitting next to her. "Why are we even together?" 

"No idea." They giggled together, and when the silence came back, they looked up and kept watching the snow fall. 

"You know, last year we did this on science class: we took black construction paper and caught snowflakes under the microscope."

"What for?" The Midwestern seemed interested in the little story. 

"For Sister Francine it had a moral: Everybody is different," Katya exaggerated the tone, making fun of the teachings of the class, taking out her tongue and wheezing afterwards, which made her girlfriend cackle.

As she gazed at her, while the other blonde was laughing uncontrollably, she then guessed it would be better to say it on another occasion.  

 

 

***

 

“Katya?” Suddenly her sweet voice made her return to the present, where they were no longer together, where there were still too many things unsaid. She raised her gaze, meeting her eyes. The Russian had stopped in her tracks, she had lost herself in time. They had been walking for a while it seems. The street was empty, not even a soul could be seen on the cold night of November. “Are you okay? You have been quiet the whole time…”  

“I-I’m okay. Just distracted.” Trixie’s eyes looked alert, maybe worried, nodding slightly. Katya noticed that her nose was getting red by the weather. How precious, how adorable. Then as the woman in front of her gave a step forward to keep walking, Katya doubted and kept herself firm in her spot. Her eyes were lost in the ground, looking at a pile of snow, beside the sidewalk. 

She sighed, feeling how her nervous system wasn’t leaving her alone. She had to say something, she had to speak. Trixie then turned around, when she noticed that Katya wasn’t moving. “Are you sure you’re okay?” 

“Yes I-” The Midwestern got closer to her, making sure that she was indeed fine. The teacher looked at her again and opened her heart to her. “I’m just… I’m so sorry about what happened the other day…” 

Trixie’s face then changed slightly to a more serious one, and Katya felt her tense. “Okay…” She let her then elaborate on what she was going to say, waiting in front of her. 

“As I told you that morning, I was really scared… “ Katya started explaining. “After what happened in high school, I was really mad and disappointed at you. I was angry at the world, and I slowly started to convince myself that love wasn’t real, that it doesn't exist. So I made a pact with myself that I wasn’t going to date anyone, just meeting women without any compromises. I thought it was easier for me, since I was afraid of getting hurt. And for years that’s what I did, I was truly convinced that was the best way of living. But then… You came back to my life in the most unexpected way, and turned everything around… “ She took a small pause, exhaling, feeling completely jittery. “Then I started to question myself about the past, the present, what I could do in this new context… At first I came to the conclusion that I just wanted to close that chapter of my life and resolve our old conflict. But then, for some reason it wasn’t enough for me. There was another deep longing inside of me that, for whatever reason, I didn't want to vocalize.” 

“What is that?” Trixie tilted her head, listening carefully.

“That's the hard part to explain… You see, when I saw you that night at the gallery, after having that talk and forgiving you, I was mesmerized by you, almost like the day that we met in that classroom… I just couldn't stop myself, I couldn't leave my eyes from you, like a teenage girl, infatuated by a crush.” The Midwestern lowered her gaze to the floor for a moment, and Katya didn’t want to feed her desperate heart, but she might have been blushing. “That night… What happened between us… I wanted it to happen, I really did… I just freaked out that morning after…”

“And why was that?” The Midwestern raised a brow.

“I wasn’t used to being with someone in that way, all I knew was one night stands. I panicked, I didn't know what to do, and I felt selfish for not being honest to you from the beginning but you see… I don't regret any of it...”

“What? ” The other blonde asked, confused and annoyed.

“Wait, wait, hear me out…” She raised her hands trying to calm her down quickly, and she kept explaining herself. “It was a wake up call, it made me realize that what I was doing all of these years never actually made me happy. I was trying to convince myself to act in a way that after all… It wasn’t really me. I was trying to fill an emptiness in my heart that I actually wasn’t able to do. But since that night I feel that… You were the one who was able to fill it again.”

Trixie seemed stunned by her statement, her lips parted slightly, her eyes shining thanks to the street lights. “What do you mean by that?”

“That you were always the answer Trixie… You were always the only one that had owned my heart… Even if I didn't want to admit it. I tried so hard to hate you, for so many years and I was never able to do it… I tried so hard to forget everything and I never could. And now, I get why…” Katya felt how her voice was trembling and getting weaker, her sight blurry from her tears.    

The Midwestern seemed anxious now, holding to every single word that the Russian was saying. “Why, why?” She asked hesitantly, but restlessly.

“Because I…” She took a brief pause, trying to find the courage to say the next words. “I’ve always loved you” She heard her gasp in the silence of the night, seeing her tears fall on her cheeks. “I always did, even in those moments that I tried to say to myself that you were the worst person on this planet”

“Katya…” The woman in front of her still seemed shocked, grabbing her hand tightly, getting closer to her.

“I’m not gonna lie, this was scary to say… And I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future but, this time I won’t let you go.” Katya didn’t realize that she was heaving in that moment, thanks to her nervousness; but being able to say what she had been hiding and repressing for days was liberating. 

Trixie then hugged her tightly, to which she needed it desperately, grabbing onto her, closing her eyes. The Russian exhaled a long sigh, welcoming the warmth of the contact. It felt a huge weight out of her shoulders to open up to her with all the sincerity of Katya’s pained heart. “I won’t let you go either...” Then she grinned at hearing her reassuring words.

Sooner that she wanted too, that hug ended. “Let’s get going, I’m freezing,” Trixie declared with a giggle.  

They walked close to one another, arms brushing from time to time, and Katya wished nothing more than to take Trixie’s hand in hers. But she didn’t, not yet. Before she knew it they were inside her apartment. After that door closed, Katya felt like sighing in relief of being at home again. When both were taking their coats off, she could see her more calm too and that made her feel more at ease. She hung her black coat and in that moment, out of the blue, the other blonde requested something.

“Can we sit? My legs are still shaking.” Katya couldn't help but lower her gaze to her legs and immediately her brain had an idea. “I’ll light up the fireplace, it’s not that big but it will keep us warm.” 

“Sounds good,” Trixie nodded instantly.  So the Russian looked for some matches, and in a matter of minutes she was looking for some pillows and a pair of fuzzy blankets so the other woman could keep herself warm enough. 

When the Midwestern saw her with the items she was more than eager to wrap herself up with it, sitting in front of the fire.  “Do you want something to drink? Maybe something warm?” Katya offered.

“Maybe tea… If that’s not too much to ask,” Trixie had a soft smile, and Katya quickly assured her. 

“No, that’s fine.” She made her way to her kitchen to make a cup of tea for her. A couple minutes later she was returning, giving the cup to her and receiving a warm smile in exchange. But, instead of sitting next to her, she stayed still.

“What's wrong?” Trixie asked after drinking a sip of tea. 

“Nothing, just… There’s something I wanted to show you. Give me a second.” The other blonde said ‘sure’, and immediately Katya went to her bedroom. She looked for her satchel bag that she uses for work, finding her notebook and bringing it. The blue eyed girl sat next to the other blonde. 

“Look” Katya gave her the drawing she had made at school; covering herself with a blanket. 

“Wow, Katya...I-”The Midwestern looked starstruck by the portrait in her hands, analyzing it with her gaze  “Didn’t you stop drawing faces?” 

“Yes I did...I don’t know what happened, that morning I had your face clearly in my mind and I just needed to draw it…” Katya felt herself flush as she explained the reason why. “I can only draw you I guess…”

“That is…” Trixie had her eyes again on the drawing, observing it with awe. The Russian thought that she seemed moved by what she just showed to her. “This is so sweet…”

There was a soft look in her honey eyes that Katya hadn't forgotten yet. It instantly reminded her of that snowy night in the forest. The warm light that the fireplace was illuminating gave them this cozy and probably romantic settling. Their eyes kept in that contact that made her chest tighten, unable to breathe properly. “Trix...I-”

A small ‘Yes?’ came out from her lips, with a scared but hopeful tone that she had read immediately. She felt the air fill her lungs and her mind was counting how many freckles Trixie had gotten over the years. But nonetheless, her heart couldn't be stopped from the sudden anxiousness that it was rising once again; as usual on that night. Then her mouth was quicker than her mind. “I wanna kiss you.” 

“Please do,” As soon as the ‘O’ was pronounced, Katya was pressing her lips softly against her.s Trixie was more than welcoming to them, reciprocating it immediately but with tenderness in it. The Midwestern grabbed her by the jaw gently, while Katya was grabbing her by the waist, getting closer to her. 

The blue eyed girl sighed in her mouth in relief, feeling at peace after tasting her lips again. Trixie was holding onto her even more, both hands now wrapping her; one of it on her hair and the other one on her lower back. 

In that kiss they seemed to express the still burning love that they felt for each other, but not only the one they were feeling now, but a kiss that conveyed the longing of a love that was lost. A kiss that was more meaningful, to compensate for the lost time between each other. 

There was no rush, there was no fear, they weren’t hesitant anymore. There was nothing that could stop them, there wasn’t an obstacle, an impediment for them to be together ever again. It felt liberating, it felt good. It felt that against all the odds, their love had won. 

Soon, her lips were gone and that took her out of the trance that she was in.  Katya opened her eyes to find a hesitant Trixie, still very close to her. “Kat… I want to know something…”

“What?” Immediately she asked, unsure of what could be happening.

“I’m just… I’m scared of tomorrow, I’m scared of waking up and that you change your mind about us…” Her voice sounded so small that it actually made Katya’s heart melt with tenderness. But she could understand where she came from, and why she would bring this up. 

The Russian was quick to clear up any doubts out of her mind. “Baby…” She put her hand on her chin gently, smiling softly at her. “I’m sure about this, I don’t have any more doubts about being with you”.  That seemed to take the tension out of Trixie, who caught her lips again, kissing her once again with undeniable affection and fervor.

The warmth soon came back to her body, not only thanks to the fire in front of them but also, thanks to their heated contact. Trixie seemed to feel like this too, when she started to take off the other blonde’s blouse, to which then followed the Midwestern’s turtleneck shirt. 

Slowly, every item of clothing was getting discarded, as they ended up laying on the floor, their lips moving passionately, their naked skin making contact once again. Katya couldn't explain how special this moment was, how well their bodies fit together, there was no desperation, just a safe space to express their love in an intimate way. 

Her hands were exploring Trixie’s skin with care, her mountains, her curves that felt like silk under her digits. She wanted to worship her, to express how much love she had for her; and somehow it reminded her of their first time, back in their room under the covers, trying to stay quiet.  

Then, her hand went to the most intimate place of hers, feeling gently with her fingers. With her touch, she was able to tell how aroused the other woman was. A soft moan came out from her lips expressing her lust.

“Kat…” Trixie pleaded with desire, gazing at her blue eyes. Katya smiled and then kissed her neck as she filled her with her fingers softly. 

Trixie's hands grabbed Katya’s back tightly, as her lips were agape, sighing in pleasure as the other woman moved her fingers skillfully inside of her. 

The Russian then sat, perching Trixie on top of her legs. Without any words said between each other, the woman of the honey eyes was eager to reach her pleasure, moving her hips on her own accord, riding her fingers. Katya sensed with her digits how warm and soft her insides felt, sliding easily in and out of her.

Katya gazed at Trixie as she moved in front of her. She looked beautiful, angelic even, making her wonder how she got this lucky, and how could she had been so dumb to let this much time go by. Then she kissed Trixie, trying to show her everything that she was too scared to say, show her how much she loved her, how much she wanted her in her life, now and forever. The Midwestern broke the kiss with a gasp as Katya felt her contracting around her fingers.

She rode her orgasm, as she saw the woman on top of her tilt her head backwards, gasping in ecstasy, her eyes closed, her lips moaning obscenely. Trixie rested her head on Katya’s shoulder, trying to stabilize her breath.

“You’re so beautiful,” Katya inhaled against her hair, and the scent smelled like fresh jasmine.

Trixie lifted her head and they gazed at each other with a tender smile, as the silence kept between them. Katya caressed Trixie’s cheek, which felt soft as the silk, and the blonde rested her head against it.

“Trix…” Katya suddenly whispered her name.

“Mmm?” The Midwestern had her entire attention on her. 

“I love you,” she confessed to her, taking some strands of hair from her pretty face.

The woman with the honey eyes flushed, under her gaze and replied. “I love you too”.