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How Will I Know

Chapter Text


How will I know if you really love me


Jamie sat in his bed, lights out, staring at the shadows dancing on the ceiling whenever a stray car passed by or a gush of wind shook the branches of the tree just outside his window. He didn't even remember how he'd gotten home.

He was sober, the amount of whisky he drank at the pub was insignificant and even though it'd loosened him up a bit, he'd sobered up instantly when he walked into the reality of Claire's apartment.

He desperately tried to keep his eyes open, for if he shut them images of what had happened between them immediately flooded his mind. 

Try as he might, he still couldn't understand how he'd let it go that far. Sure, he'd fantasized about it, but never in his wildest dreams did he really think he'd ever get to play out those fantasies.

So much had happened in so little time, he could barely wrap his mind around it.

He could still feel her in his arms, could still smell her all around him, the feel of her beneath his fingers was right there. Her lips on his, so delicate yet so incredibly carnal, the way their bodies seemed to fit together so perfectly. Her voice. Oh, her voice. He'd never heard her before tonight, he'd had no idea she was a Sassenach. Her whimpers, the sounds she'd made. The sounds he'd made her make.

Jamie rested his forearm over his damp forehead. He was sweating bullets. His balls ached something fierce, he physically needed release but he would not give in. 

It would have been so easy. Just a couple of strokes, really, he was so far gone already. He'd never been so turned on in his life. Never felt physically ill from lack of release. Was it normal to have a cockstand last this long? He'd even taken a cold shower, nothing helped. He couldn't even pray before bed, how could he? Depraved as he was.

He glanced over at the clock, it was past 4am. When had it gotten so late? He had to be in church in just over 3 hours, for Sunday liturgy. 

Good thing he hadn't stayed for coffee- his eyes widened in realization, probably in more ways than one. Just how far would've things gone had he not left? 

She pulled back to look at him through heavy eyelids "It's your turn" she warned, with a predatory smile on her otherwise satiated features. "I can't wait to taste you", suddenly her voice sounded as if she was again about to climax, and the mere thought that what she said had turned her on even more was cut out of his wildest fantasies. 

He could hear himself moan at the memory and he couldn't take it anymore. He touched himself and shuddered at the feeling, imagining her lips caressing him in slow, languid motion. She'd no doubt feel so much better than he'd ever be able to replicate, just as her kisses had been so much better than any other he'd ever experienced before. But he'd never gone so far with any other girl, no one had ever touched him so intimately, and even through clothes it had been phenomenal. To have her lips on him, he couldn't even fathom what that would feel like. But his imagination was serving its purpose, he could picture her on her knees looking up at him from underneath thick eyelashes, could feel her breath on his skin whenever she would take him to the hilt. Could she take him all in her sweet little mouth, he wondered? He imagined her rolling her eyes back in ecstasy, she would no doubt love it, wee temptress that she was. She would hum her pleasure sending vibrations all the way through him to his balls, sending him over the edge. 

He panted in exertion and relief as he finally reached his completion on that thought. He didn't even bother cleaning up, he was so exhausted that he just collapsed into his mattress, dead to the world.


Waking up with a start, he didn't even need to look at the clock to know that he was late, very late for church. His alarm hadn't gone off, or maybe it had, but he'd been in such deep sleep that he hadn't heard it, which had certainly never happened before. He grimaced noticing that he was in dire need of a shower, which required time that he could not afford but it couldn't be helped. 

He washed up as quick as possible and drove to church just as parishioners were leaving. He'd missed all of it.

He crossed himself entering the establishment and wavered before entering the altar to greet his father. The man didn't even turn to greet him as he was tidying up with the help of the psalm reader "Where were ye today?"

Jamie got closer and was grateful to be able to kiss his hand, and in turn Brian blessed him "I'm sorry, father. My alarm, I don't know why, it never went off"

"Did ye stay up late last night, at the wedding?"

Jamie's eyes darted to the right, where, sure enough, Ian was standing. He couldn't lie to his father, much less as they were standing in the middle of the holy altar "No, I left early actually. But I must've been more tired than I realized. I'm sorry. It wilna happen again"

Brian then finally faced his son "Make sure of it. Ian had to fill in for ye today, and he's a priest in his own right. Ye look pale" the man's brows furrowed in worry "Maybe ye're coming down with something" Jamie gulped and lowered his eyes "Get some rest, 'tis the reason God made Sundays. aye?"

Jamie nodded and watched his father walk away, and he then walked alongside Ian outside

"Will ye tell me where ye disappeared to last night?"

Jamie sighed, just then realizing that he'd intended to text Ian upon getting home that he'd left, seeing as him and Jenny were his ride back home "I dinna mean for ye to worry"

"Oh, I wasna worried. Well, Jenny was. But she worries over every little thing. Why are ye avoiding the question?"

Jamie knew he shouldn't lie to his friend, to his brother in law, but being outside the church he decided to go for a lie by omission this time. He wasn't even sure what to tell him. He hadn't had time to process it "I went home. I had that Laoghaire talking my ear off for the first two courses, I couldna get out of there fast enough"

They both waved as his father drove off and headed towards their respective cars. Ian kept quiet and eventually asked "Are ye coming over for lunch?"

"Is Jenny gonna bark at me for leaving like that?"

"Is the sky blue?"

"Right. Raincheck, then" he almost choke on the phrasing, and coughed it off

Ian raised an eyebrow "Are ye alright?"

"Fine. See ye later". Jamie waited for Ian to drive off first. Then, slowly drove off himself, deliberately putting some distance between them until he couldn't see his brother in law's car. He took the wrong turn and ended up putting the car in park just far enough so he could have a good view of the flower shop. Sundays were busy, people seemed to be going in and out constantly.

He took out his wallet, where he'd placed her card. She'd given him her business card, with her personal phone number, in reply to his request for a raincheck on the coffee. 

He wanted nothing more than to enter the wee shop and look at her, just watch her busy herself putting together beautiful arrangements for her customers. He wanted to drink her in. 

Before he realized it, he was locking his car and heading towards the shop. The bell chimed announcing his presence, but she didn't acknowledge it, her focus on her task on hand. 

Christ, but she was lovely.

He was seeing her with different eyes now, almost like seeing an entirely different person. The previous night he'd seen her all sexy, wild, woman. Now she looked so sweet, so fragile, he wanted to hide her inside his jacket like he would a wee kitten, and bury his nose into her soft curls, nuzzling in her sweet flowery scent. 

She was wearing a flowy, summery, lilac dress that complimented her alabaster skin perfectly. Her soft lips looked plumper, and he wondered if it was because of all the kissing. He hoped so. Suddenly, images of what else he'd pictured her doing with those pillowy lips invaded his mind but he dismissed them rapidly. He was feeling with his heart now, and he didn't want his nether regions meddling in.

She was bent over her workdesk, carefully devoting her attention to the floral arrangement she was putting together. Rays of sunshine landed on her auburn curls, bringing out myriad lovely nuances.

The bell chimed again, startling him from his reverie and he stepped to the side to make room for the new customer "Och Jamie, darling!"

His eyes still glued to her, he caught her expression looking up from her work and saw the glint in her eyes as their gazes locked 

"We missed ye in church today!"

Jamie nodded smilingly to the elderly woman but she went on "Father Ian is gifted but not quite as yerself. Yer voice is like a balm for this old soul, ken"

"I thank ye, Mrs. Rowland"

"Are ye quite alright, dearie? Never seen ye miss a Sunday before, and I've known ye since ye were but a bairn"

"Aye, dinna ye worry, I'm braw"

"Well then, something important must've come up I'm sure"

He smiled again and thankfully Claire had wrapped up her work on the arrangement for the previous customer, so Jamie gestured for the elderly woman to cut in line before him "Och, ye're such a sweetheart, are ye no. Thank ye, Jamie" she then directed her attention to Claire and he noticed her voice turning several degrees colder "Good day to ye. I'll be having four stems of tulips. Heading out for the cemetery, fine day for it"

Claire stepped out from behind the counter and Jamie's breath caught at the sight of her shapely legs. He didn't miss Mrs. Rowland's "hmph", either. "Certainly. White ones?"

"Aye, they'll do. Didna plan on flowers but since ye're open on a Sunday..." the woman turned to Jamie and rolled her eyes then crossed herself

Claire's expression however didn't waver. She gave the woman her tulips and then her change, and as soon as the bell chimed again and she was out the door, Jamie finally let out a breath he didn't know he was holding in.

"Hi" she said, her voice like honey to match her eyes.

"Hi yerself" he took a few steps closer, his hands in his pockets, the counter between them "So this is the infamous flower shop" he hummed"

Her smile widened "It is. Though I gave you that card for you to use the number on it"

He struggled to find his words. Of course she'd had no idea that he'd known precisely where her shop was that whole time.

She let out a laugh and then added in a small voice "It's alright. Though you didn't have to skip church for my sake"

Och, if only ye knew, Sassenach...

He cleared his throat, smilingly. He couldn't stop smiling and neither could she, apparently "Uhm, my alarm didn't go off"

"Were you feeling particularly tired?" her eyes twinkled

He let out a throaty chuckle "Weel. I never did have that coffee, after all"

"So I recall"

"Do ye also recall me asking for a raincheck?"

She pretended to ponder it for a moment "Vaguely"

"Och? What do ye recall vividly, then?"

Her eyes fixed on his then and slowly lowered to his lips "Other... interesting things"

"Such as?" he was now staring at her lips as well and when she wet them he couldn't resist closing the space between them slowly but surely, his lips hovering over hers.

The bell chimed once more and they parted awkwardly. She busied herself with something or the other and told him "Use the card and I'll be sure to tell you all about it later, alright?"

That was his cue, he didn't mean to put her in an awkward situation in front of her customers, so he waited until she looked up at him again and as soon as he saw her fighting back a smile he grinned and nodded, taking his leave.