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Jailbait, Manscaping and Playing Hockey Like A Girl

Chapter Text

Sid:

YOU THOUGHT I GOT LUCKY!?!?!!

Carter:

Why are you watching my postgames?

Carter:

I also said you’re one of the best players in the world

Paul:

Oooof “one of” burnnnnnnn

Sid:

“One of” is fine, it’s me and Nate

Sid:

Also I’m watching this purely for chirping purposes

Sid:

b/cause the way your face goes so soft on “the best offseason”

Carter:

SHUT UP OK?

Carter:

You’d be saying the same if it was the offseason you got together with Nate

Sid:

Fair I guess

Paul:

So…. Erik’s told me I’m not allowed to google you @Carter, so now I’m kind of curious

Sid:

LMAO yeah don’t

Carter:

Wait, what? Why?

Sid:

His crush on your boyfriend is bad enough

Sid:

You’re like 200% Paul’s type

Carter:

I am?

Paul:

I should probably mention at this point that Erik really ISN’T my type

Paul:

… love him anyway obviously…

Paul:

EXCEPT NOT AT THE MOMENT BECAUSE HE’S BEEN QUARENTINED IN THE HOUSE

Sid:

Ouch.

Sid:

24/7 EJ is a lot to process

Sid:

Also, it’s not googling him if I send you pics right?

Carter:

WHAT?

Sid:

Carter:

WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU FIND THAT?

Sid:

Google?

Carter:

That is ooooold, I don’t look like that anymore

Sid:

Sorry. Is this one better?

Sid:

Carter:

I literally hate you SO MUCH right now

Paul:

On the bright side…

Paul:

YOU AND CALE MUST BE THE MOST PRECIOUS COUPLE IN THE WHOLE WORLD

Carter:

Also, @Sid did you watch the Avs game after our game finished?

Sid:

OBVIOUSLY

Carter:

Ugh, so many goals getting pat binnington…. Makes me so happy

Sid:

We should make Paul come visit us when we have games v each other

Sid:

And then have Avs watching parties

Paul:

I still don’t completely understand the rules

Sid:

FFS Paul…

Chapter Text

EJ:

@SID WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SENDING PICTURES OF CALE’S BOYFRIEND TO MY FIANCE?

Sid:

XD

Sid:

Because I can…

Sid:

FaBs bonding time?

EJ:

Look, I’ve been working OVERTIME to keep him away from Hartsy

Hartsy:

While we’re airing stuf

Hartsy:

@Nate why is YOUR boyfriend watching postgames of CALE’S boyfriend

Sid:

Told you. Chirping :P

Nate:

Eh, sid lives for hockey content

TK:

Did you just refer to yourself as Cale’s boyfriend?

Hartsy:

I mean… I am… so?

Sid:

Also, Mikko looked SO BORED in the postgame because Nate got all the questions

Hartsy:

Tbf postgames where there’s two of you and you get like, one question

TK:

THE WORST

TK:

ALSO, WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME YOU’RE ALLOWED TO BE RUDE TO MEDIA DICKS?

Sid:

You’re not.

TK:

JAKEY WAS

Hartsy:

Technically they can’t STOP us

Lu:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7O6mpfkea4&ab

Lu:

I think torts spends most of his salary on paying fines for his media conduct

Lu:

🤣

TBear:

EJ, are you adding to your jailbait roster?

EJ:

???

TBear:

The media team are pushing you & Bo

EJ:

😂

Gabe:

Damnit no!

Gabe:

EJ STOP collecting the rookies as your jail bait.

EJ:

Look, if the jailbait rookies flock to me, I can’t help it.

Sammy:

It’s because we love you the best 😉

Cale:

I’m still refusing to be part of your jailbait rookie club

EJ:

OUTRAGED. YOU ARE MY SON

TBear:

He only says that so you call him Daddy

EJ:

GET OUT TYSON :P

TBear:

Look, he’s stolen my number, I get to object to your new jailbait

Nate:

They didn’t let us overrule him 😭😭

EJ:

Besides, he is like, 17 different kinds of adorable

Cale:

He’s not THAT adorable.

Cale:

He’s just like… a regular player

Gabe:

Are you JEALOUS Cale?

Sammy:

EJ has another baby rookie to care for no? It’s natural for Cale to be jealous

Cale:

You shut up

Cale:

You’re not even my real mom :P

TBear:

I’m dead.

EJ:

I promise I don’t love the baby rookie more than I love you juice.

Cale:

Good.

Danny:

How do you DO it?

Danny:

Like, for real, the jailbait seem to flock to you.

EJ:

It’s my superpower

Sid:

He’s collecting them for Paul

EJ:

Shhhhhhh

EJ:

I 100% blame YOU for the fact my fiancé is a flyers fan now

Hartsy:

😇

Cale:

Is THAT why he keeps texting me asking me for pics of you?

EJ:

🤦‍♂️

Chucky:

MY question is though

Chucky:

How manscaped is your team 😉

Howdy:

LMAO I love the fact the flames had to clarify that they’re looking for a manscaping partner

Chucky:

I can’t believe the habs have admitted that they DO have a manscaping partner

Cartsy:

One of those times when they league is unintentionally way gayer than it means to be

Richie:

Hockey… simultaneously the gayest and the most homophobic sport

Lacko:

You can say THAT again.

Matts:

Let’s make it MORE GAY

Matts:

@Mitchy https://twitter.com/alisa_vasy/status/1351998830431133697?s=21

Marns:

OMG I WOULD LOOK SO ADORABLE

Matts:

You look adorable anyway

Cale:

Ok, but imagine if we all had them

Cale:

IMAGINE HOW MUCH CUTER HOCKEY WOULD BE

Marns:

Miaow

Claude:

@Teeks if you don’t get these for Haysie and Patty…. I absolutely will

Teeks:

OMG IMAGINE HOW MAD NOLLY WILL GET

Teeks:

LET’S DO IT

Teeks:

I feel haysie would just happily wear them :D

Teeks:

It adds to their bigcat babycat romance

Hartsy:

Romance?

Teeks:

Like a friend romance? Is there a word for that?

Hartsy:

It’s friendship teeks.

Hartsy:

Also Bromance.

Teeks:

Yeah but every “bromance” I’ve ever seen has actually just been like… a couple still in the closet

Teeks:

I think a bromance is fake news

Stromer:

He kind of has a point

Stromer:

ARE THERE EVEN ANY BROMANCES LEFT?

Davo:

I would argue WE’RE a bromance

Stromer:

😍😍😍

Stromer:

Baeeeeee

Stromer:

If we were a bromance…. Would you have fucked my brother?

McLeod:

😂😂😂 Dyls is NEVER going to let that die.

Teeks:

But an actual two straight buddies bromance?

Teeks:

FAKE NEWS

Howdy:

Holy shit, did they really just penalise a bunch of caps players for being in the same hotel room?!?!

Wilso:

Wilso:

We’re allowed to hug each other on the ice

Wilso:

We fucking spit next to each other on the bench

Wilso:

But god forbid we hang out on our own time

Latts:

On a scale of 1-10 how pissed is Papa?

Wilso:

Idk, I can’t count that high…

Gabe:

Pissed at the league presumably?

Wilso:

Pissed at the league for stupid rules, pissed at mama for getting caught, pissed at the kids…

Wilso:

You know what he’s like.

Chucky:

I’m a little bit unsurprised that if a team were to get caught fraternizing

Chucky:

… it was you guys :P

Wilso:

Rude!

Wilso:

You’re just jealous because you know you’ll never love your boys the way we love each other

Chucky:

RUDE!

TBear:

I think it’s pretty obvious that Chucky loves at least his goalies.

Chucky:

🤦‍♂️ That wasn’t what I meant

Stromer:

I’m a little bit overwhelmed that you guys ACTUALLY call Ovechkin mama…

Cale:

Did you not notice he referred to “our hotel room” in his apology

Cale:

😂😂😂😂

Cale:

WHO IS HE SHARING A HOTEL ROOM WITH?

Wilso:

@Latts remember that time we asked Papa why he didn’t share a hotel room with Mama?

Latts:

He DEADASS looked Willy right in the eye, and said “Tom, you give me so much trouble, you think I want to risk more children?”

Latts:

😂😂😂😂😂

Burky:

And then they get me anyway <3

Wilso:

Papa says you aren’t any trouble

Wilso:

Except you missed your phone call last week so he WAS mad

Wilso:

But now he’s not mad at you anymore because “My Swedish babies would never do this to me Alex, it’s only you and your Russian babies.”

Wilso:

He kept going “Andre would never.”

Latts:

Ugh, you’re so the favourite child.

Gabe:

It’s the way of the youngest.

Cale:

HEY! AM I NOT THE YOUNGEST CHILD ANYMORE?

EJ:

You’re still my favourite baby-boy ok.

EJ:

We don’t even know if the new kid is queer. I’m not adopting a straight boy.

Cale:

He better not be -.-

Hartsy:

@SID

Hartsy:

DID YOU JUST KISS MALKIN’S NECK??!?!?!

Sid:

No?

Hartsy:

You… don’t sound sure…

Nate:

What?

Sid:

I’m very sure. That was a “no why would you even think that?”

Hartsy:

https://zashamalkin.tumblr.com/post/641067085714374656/can-we-talk-about-this

Sid:

I mean…. Now I’m not sure…

Sid:

DID I KISS GENO?

Sid:

I feel I’d have remembered it…

Nate:

Do you need your head checked Sid?

Sid:

I HAVE REMEMBERED THAT MOMENT

Nate:

Good?

Sid:

And no I didn’t kiss G

Sid:

I was trying to talk in his ear

Sid:

Only he’s fucking tall

Teeks:

Are you HIGH Crosby?

Sid:

Yes?

Richie:

Sid’s always high isn’t he?

Claude:

You do seem higher than usual right now

Sid:

🤷‍♂️

Sid:

I mean… I’m literally on the GC as I’m vaping…

Sid:

So maybe?

Claude:

Such an example to our youth

Sid:

Ok, probably yes, but in other news…. I found this

Sid:

https://saint-patrice.tumblr.com/post/190851370983/a-neural-firing-i-will-inflict-upon-u

Hartsy:

I hate you

EJ:

Cartest Hartest

Hartsy:

I hate you all

Cartsy:

NGL, I can’t see this going well for me either

Richie:

Logically it does make you jeff cartest

Cartsy:

And you’ve used logic precisely when in your life exactly :P

Richie:

Hush you

Richie:

Also, you better all be watching the NWHL streams on twitch when you aren’t playing

Teeks:

I CAN’T DECIDE WHICH TEAM TO FOLLOW

Stromer:

I’m just following the Rivs because they have Chelsea dagger as their goal song :D

Lu:

@konecny you should also be following the rivs

Teeks:

I should?

Lu:

https://twitter.com/strongforecheck/status/1351753433112580096?s=21

Lu:

Apparently babstock is the female you

Teeks:

😍 I LOVE HER ALREADY

Chucky:

WAIT, we can just watch them ON TWITCH?

Howdy:

Yeah, all the nwhl games are streaming for free on twitch

Nate:

http://www.twitch.tv/nwhl

Chucky:

Bro.

Chucky:

Just…

Chucky:

Our media REALLY don’t appreciate the quality hockey these ladies bring us

Kaner:

I KNOW.

Sid:

Pretty sure any of us would DIE in a nwhl game

Tazer:

Weirdly, I think Kaner could survive… but he’d be the only one

Brinksy:

Is Kaner so weirdly good at hockey because he plays hockey like a girl?

Nate:

It’s… definitely a possibility.

Kaner:

🤷‍♂️ I’ve seen these girls play.

Kaner:

I’ll take it!

Chapter Text

Chucky:

@Mitchy, you know I love you right boo?

Marns:

Yes?

Chucky:

https://twitter.com/adrisidehockey/status/1352805661537693696?s=21

Chucky:

You need to stop leading him on.

Marns:

Am I?

Marns:

Leading him on?

Stromer:

You know he likes you Mitchy

Marns:

I mean, it’s a possibility.

Stromer:

Mitchy!

Marns:

Ok, fine, maybe he likes me

Davo:

ttps://media.giphy.com/media/myjfukPORgUTA9TLfi/giphy.gif

Davo:

He adores you Mitch.

Baby M:

From an outsider perspective

Baby M:

JT is SO into you Marns

Baby S:

^ what he said

Marns:

What should I do????

Matts:

The real question is, are you into him?

Marns:

I… don’t know.

Brinks:

How do you not know?

Marns:

It’s complicated ok.

Matts:

You need to make up your mind Mouse

Stromer:

Or talk to him at least!

Marns:

I will ok. I promise.

Marns:

I’m texting him now.

Chapter Text

JT:

Oh shit.

Segs:

???

JT:

He just texted me saying he wants to talk

JT:

In private.

Staalsy:

Marner!?!?

JT:

Yes.

Staalsy:

Well shit.

JT:

@McLeod, TELL ME YOU KNOW SOMETHING!?!?

McLeod:

Sorry. He’s being tight lipped on all the chats.

Segs:

When are you gonna talk?

Segs:

CAN you even talk in private?

JT:

We’re about to be on a roadie.

JT:

I’ve said I’ll go to his hotel room

Staalsy:

REALLY?

Staalsy:

After everything with the Caps?

JT:

Look, it’ll be fine.

Segs:

Just keep us updated ok JT?

JT:

Obviously!