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Language:
English
Series:
Part 3 of Raining Bones
Stats:
Published:
2021-01-10
Updated:
2021-12-30
Words:
69,271
Chapters:
14/?
Comments:
33
Kudos:
29
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6
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1,160

The Bone Brigade

Summary:

The skeletons are on an adventure through a fantasy realm, created by the multiverses biggest weebs.

Two of the multiverses biggest weebs have a fanfiction they MUST share! Along with the input of other “guest” authors and the skeletons themselves.

Join the skelebros as they face demonic swords, “sexy” nymphs, crazy chainsaw wielding/pole dancing mob bosses, Jerry with a Gollum complex, and a slew of other mishaps along the way.

AKA; The Skeletons are on a Dungeons and Dragons inspired quest, with lots of insanity along the way. May the dice gods and authors not screw them over too badly...

Chapter 1: The Adventure Begins... Sort of

Notes:

A spin off story to Light Drizzles.

Birdtale Alphys and Underswap Undyne, two major shippers and fanfic fanatics that are thirsty for skeleboy action in more ways then one. It’s gonna get wild.

Quick nickname rundown:
Comic: UT Sans
Rus: UT Papyrus
Blue: US Sans
Stretch: US Papyrus
Red: UF Sans
Edge: UF Papyrus
Razz: SF Sans
Slim: SF Papyrus
Axe: HT Sans
Traps: HT Papyrus
Burb: Birdtale Sans
Dove: Birdtale Papyrus
Chitter: Birdtale Alphys
Fish: Underswap Undyne

Chapter Text

***
HomeHawk12
(Dude I just had this vision. Chitter and US Undyne, The Great Fic Collaboration...)

***
Bookwyrm
(Holy shit. Also do you have any tips for painting a beach? Trying to paint a shell for a gift)

***—-PLANNING PHASE——***

Chit plus Fish:
The hero Blue must find companions in his quest to save the kingdom, he has the minstrel magician Stretch, the black knight Edge, and the stout barbarian Red by his side. He journeys to find a ranger to help on the journey, being directed to a small cottage said to be the home of a seasoned ranger and his brother.

***
HomeHawk12
(Bro it’s like a DND campaign fic I can’t XD allow me to pull on my game knowledge for the Swapfell intros.)

***
Bookwyrm
(Yeeeeeees. I totally mean for Slim to have a lil spider pet friend/battle partner. Razz .... allows it. Barely )

***
HomeHawk12
(Ddkfnfkdl My thought process was completely different, but yours is more adorable and makes sense since Slim was basically a scout before! My thinking was Razz was a Ranger in hiding with Slim as his stalhound companion djdnfk.)
(If Slim is the ranger what shall Razz be? I’m almost tempted to say a shamed Paladin, maybe with a curse of some sort which forced him to leave his brotherhood?)

***
Bookwyrm
(Or maybe a cursed swordsmaster? He picked up a demon blade (or something?) and had to leave his order/brotherhood.)

***
HomeHawk12
(Oh a cursed swordsman could be fun! I’m not sure if a cursed sword is enough to force him to leave his brotherhood, but I know a curse like lycanthropy will put the individual on the immediate kill list of the order. Also I had to look up types of cursed weapons and I’m really loving the Craven’s Edge and the Mournblade. They talk to their wielders and are merciless dicks fjfjfjk)

***
Bookwyrm
(I am not completely familiar with D&D rules. But I love Razz having a dick blade yelling at him. I love sentient weaponry that basically says the wielder isn't worthy of them fuck off. Maybe the sword is on the mantle and Razz bickers with it daily?)

***
HomeHawk12
(Bruh, they’re living in isolation, Razz is in a depressed state being kicked from his order and not doing much except bickering with a blade that Slim can’t hear. When the adventures come Slim’s like “Please help me get him out of the house my brother is losing it.”)

**—-THE ADVENTURE BEGINS—-**

***
Bookwyrm
Bone Brigade:
*The hero Blue must find companions in his quest to save the kingdom, he has the minstrel magician Stretch, the black knight Edge, and the stout barbarian Red by his side. He journeys to find a ranger to help on the journey, being directed to a small cottage said to be the home of a seasoned ranger and his brother.*

*Blue approaches a small, isolated cabin on the outskirts of town, the rest of the party trailing close behind. Knocking on the front door, a tall skeleton with a big spider on his head answers.*
Blue: Hello! I, Sir Blue, would love to take your brother and you on an adventure, young ranger Slim!
Razz: *From the front room.* YOU TAKE THAT BACK YOU DECORATIVE LETTER OPENER!

***
HomeHawk12
Stretch: Uhhhhh..... it doesn’t work as an insult to Blue if it doesn’t remotely make sense.
Slim: He’s... not talking to Sir Blue.....
Blue: Then who is he talking to?
Slim: My brother has seen a slew of rough times recently.... he’s been talking to his sword and I think he’s losing his mind.

***
Bookwyrm
Blue: We can help him find it!
Edge: ..... I don't think the madness a soldier faces can be helped.
Red: .... have you tried alcohol?

***
HomeHawk12
Slim: He actually did.... but he’s a violent drunk and we couldn’t afford to keep replacing the furniture.
Red: Oh boy. This may have been a mistake.
Blue: Nonsense! We shall help him find his sanity again.
*Sir Blue and the others enter the room. Seeing Razz sitting in a stained shirt staring at an old sword on the mantle.*

***
Bookwyrm
Blue: Razz, was it? I would like to take you and your brother on a quest! To save the kingdom!
Razz: From what? I can see why you would want Slim. A ranger can help track and feed the group... and Webby has venom. But why me?
Blue: There is an unknown force in the Gnarled Woods to the west! I have been sent to deal with it! And I need companions to help with that!

(I am going to laugh if there are bits where the others were talking around the sword and it told Razz... there was no way Razz would have known if neither person told him. Or if the possessed sword would take over if Razz gave very very precise consent.)

***
HomeHawk12
(Asdhdda possessed Razz oh god. Bloodlust and dickishness stat has increased by 12)

***
Bookwyrm
(Ye. And since Slim never saw Razz in battle or needed to allow the possession...... maybe they start to believe the poor man.)


(Dude. Imagine them overhearing Razz negotiate with the sword for non battle possession time.)

***
HomeHawk12
(Oh my god, I want that to become a conversation XD They think he had multiple personality disorder or something rjdjfngnk)

Bone Brigade:
Blue: I, Sir Blue, am in particular need of strong fighters. Our team is also lacking a healer, which I believe your background covers, yes?
Razz: .... I know some basic healing magic as a former paladin if that’s what you mean.
Blue: Perfect! Then we need you to come!
Razz: What’s in it for me?
Blue: Huh?
Razz: Am I getting paid to do this? Even as a hermit, living requires money.
Blue: .... Yes, I can pay you for your service.
Razz: You have a deal then.

(Oh god, what would Rus and Comic be? Well, Rus I could definitely see as a Cleric with their healing magic and dedication to their deity. Maybe Comic is a Druid? And uses it as an excuse to never shower since he wants to be “one with the mud.”)

***
Bookwyrm
(Chitter: .... I want Dove to be an angel.
Fish: That’s so cliche! ..... maybe a nephilim?
Chitter: ... oh! My Sans can be a half demon and Dove half angel!
Fish: OMG I LOVE IT. Can Rus be cleric? And Comic a druid? I need some magic men.
Chitter: where have you been all my life!?!)

Blue: GUYS HE SAID YES!
Red: ..... the unhinged guy.... said yes?
Slim: If my brother is going, I want to as well.
Razz: *Glares at Red, turns to Slim.* You make sure to negotiate properly. *Packs up his old armor, it is in a comically large pack that he carries with no effort. The sword sheathed between the pack and Razz as it is nearly as tall as Razz himself.*

***
HomeHawk12
(Chitter: What would Axe and Traps be?
Fish: Oh my, the party is getting super big already..... hmmm.)

Stretch: *Playing his trombone as traveling music.*
Razz: How did you manage to find a bard that plays trombone of all things?
Blue: He’s actually my brother.... he was the only bard that would come.
Razz: I see...... yes, he does remind me of Slim oddly enough.... don’t get snippy with me! ..... I will use you to chop firewood!!!
Edge: *Hand on his own blade, just in case he needs to protect everyone from the crazy guy.*

(Axe and Traps are liches that the heros must listen to in order to save the kingdom lhgfbjt)

***
Bookwyrm
*Edge watches as the crazy fucker actually does end up using his sword.*
Edge: .... Blue, I have concerns.
Razz: *Hard chop. The sword almost as tall as him is tearing into the wood* .... FUCK I FORGOT YOU DON’T NEED SHARPENING! THIS ISN'T EVEN MILDLY ANNOYING YOU!
Edge: .... many concerns.

(Or maybe because lichs hide their 'hearts' (souls in this case) the big villain stole their hearts and commands them.)

***
HomeHawk12
(Ohhhhhh that’s a good idea! Our heroes must free the lich to help defeat the big evil. Also Red is an alcoholic and Edge is legit OCD to the point it slows the group down when they try to leave camp. They need more character with Razz being the big crazy djdnfk. I almost feel like we need a seperate chat thread for this adventure, I love it already)

***
Bookwyrm
(There! A place to do that if you wish.)

Red: ...
Slim: *Has a large, large spider on his skull. It's not even a cute one. It's .....disturbing.*
Red: .... Blue, why did you pick up the crazies?

***
HomeHawk12
(Bone Brigade Chat!!! djdnfk)

***
Bookwyrm
(Yeah! And now we can add any other spin offs too!)

***
HomeHawk12
(Exactly! The Razz adventure extended universe is growing djdnfk)

Blue: Why that is a long story my friend! A story that shall require a flashback!
Red: Wait it was a rhetorical-

Flashback:
*Scene fades to that of Sir Blue sleeping in bed. His dream shifts into something odd. Was he floating in space?*
????: Hey there.
Blue: Wowie! *The figure in front of him is a roughed up skeleton with tattered robes, scared bones and a single glowing red eyelight.* Who are you????
???: .... call me Axe for now. Listen, I’ve got a very important mission for ya. My brother and I need your help.

***
Bookwyrm
Flashback:
Axe: There is someone gathering dark forces in the Gnarled Woods. They are aiming to storm the kingdom. Find the two hearts guarded in stone.
Blue: Wowie!

***
HomeHawk12
Flashback:
Axe: There is one more thing you should know.
Blue: What is it?
Axe: For the love of all that is holy, if you come across the Sword of the Mad King, do NOT bring it to the final battle, Understood?
Blue: Okay! By what is it exactly?
Axe: It’s a- shit he’s coming.... no time. Just remember what I told you-

*Blue wakes up, hopping out of bed.*
Blue: That was a crazy dream! Almost like a message.... that’s it! I have to stop the dark forces in the Gnarled Woods! And something about a sword.....? Eh, wasn’t important. I must inform the Queen at once!

***
Bookwyrm
(Blue you had one job)

Present Time:
Razz: ........
Blue: It’s a hero thing! I have to share memories like that! I can also make my voice REALLY LOUD!
Razz: .......*facepalms.*

***
HomeHawk12
( DJDNJDKDN BLUE I LOVE YOU)

Blue: Let’s see, where was I? Oh yes! Back to the flashback!

Flashback Transition Noises:
*Blue is rushing around his kitchen, grabbing bread and jams and whatever else he may need. He’s never been on a long adventure before.*
Blue: Wowie, this is a heavy pack. Good thing I am in very high spirits and ready to conquer anything! *Opens the front door, crashing into his brother, bags and whatever else falling all over the place.*
Blue: Stretch? You’re back from the Bard College?
Stretch: I DIDN’T FAIL OUT! THAT WAS JERRY’S FAULT- I-I mean what’s up bro?
Blue: It must be fate that you graduated just in time to bring you back here at this very moment! I am seeking an audience with the Queen for an important quest, and as an official Bard I could really use your help!
Stretch: Right.... a full fledged Bard.... yeah let’s get going then.

***
Bookwyrm
(Stretch... that almost degree must come in !handy!)

Flashback:

Blue: BROTHER I FINALLY HAD A HERO'S QUEST GIVEN TO ME!
Stretch: Yeah?
Blue: GRAB YOUR TROMBONE AND BATTLE KAZOO! I NEED TO GET SOME PEOPLE TO COME WITH US! I'LL BE RIGHT BACK! I'M GOING TO CHILLBY'S!

(Where Blue pays off Red’s debt and somewhat owns him for the duration of the adventure. Red was drunk and didn't completely understand what he was signing.)

***
HomeHawk12
(Bro, that was literally exactly what I was thinking for Red’s recruitment, only after they met with the Queen lofjgjf)

Flashback:

Red: So all I gotta do is kill some evil assholes and travel with ya, and you’ll pay off my whole tab?
Blue: Absolutely! Just sign this contract of binding and we will have a barbarian on the team!
Red: And….. signed. LATER LOSERS! IMMA MAKE SOMETHING OF MYSELF! *Proceeds to chug half a bottle of bourbon, walking into the doorframe.*
Blue: Wowie! This has been an industrial afternoon!
Red: *Rubbing his forehead where he collided with the frame.* Where are we goin’ next kiddo?
Blue: THE QUEEN! We must warn her about the dark forces! And perhaps ask for a knight to accompany us!
Red: Heh, ya know, my bro’s a knight, a freaking weirdo, but a knight no less. Hopefully we don’t end up stuck with him.
Blue: Why would you say that?


***
Bookwyrm

Flashback:

Red: The guy is all uptight. Good enough knight, but can be a total dick.

Stretch : .... so, what does my brother mean when he says an adventure?

(Fish: .... Chitter. Do you realize how hot a berserker Red would be with those fangs?
Chitter: ....OH MY MEW MEW KISSY! YOU'RE RIGHT!)

***
HomeHawk12

(Edge was the person that was neurotic enough to sweep the dirt path leading up to the house. His sanity improved when he moved out of his brothers shit barrel, Red probably lives in an empty barrel he is so in debt.) (Also Blue needs a personal goal for self growth!)

Flashback:
(Regalia = Underswap Toriel)
*It took about four hours, but they finally managed to get an audience with the Queen.*

Regalia: Ah, you must be the young Blue, son of Sir Gaster the Wise.
Blue: It’s Sir Blue, your Majesty!
Stretch: Bro, have you been knighted?
Blue: What’s that?
Red: It means you’re not a Knight until a Royal decrees you ta be one, dumbass- OW! *Stretch delivers an angry slap to the back of his head.*
Blue: Oh.... so how do I become a Knight?
Regalia: You must prove yourself to me. Either by doing something chivalrous, or completing a great quest.
Blue: Oh! We are here to warn you about something! A strange creature visited me in a dream! *Proceeds to tell her the entire story.*
Regalia: I see. That would certainly be a quest worthy of knighthood. I permit you entry to the Gnarled Forest, and will assign you a Knight to accompany you.
Red: Please not my bro, please not my bro....
Regaila: Sir Edge the Orderly.
Red: Dammit.....

***
Bookwyrm
(Edge is the most clean, that’s why he has pure black armor, he obsessively cleans it. And has the most proper paperwork ever.)

Flashback:

Edge: ..... hello brother.
Red: ..... I like my lifestyle so you can get yer comments out now.
Edge: ..... you haven't cleaned your jacket and furs since I left have you?
Red: *sharp smile.*
Edge: .........
Blue: HI I’M BLUE! YOU ARE A KNIGHT RIGHT?!? OH MY STARS THAT’S SOOOOO COOL TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT! OH WAIT, WE HAVE TO GET STRETCH! TELL ME ON THE WAY!!!
Edge: .............. I see why the Queen sent me now.

***
HomeHawk12
(Exactly. It’s so shiny you can literally see your reflection in it. It’s reflective enough to reflect a gorgon’s powers back on itself.)

Flashback:

Edge: So you are traveling to the Gnarled Forest?
Blue: YEP! THAT’S WHAT AXE SAID IN THE DREAM!
Edge: ..... and what rolls does your team currently cover?
Blue: My brother Stretch is a certified Bard! Red is a Barbarian and I am an almost Knight! And you are an official Knight!
Edge: ...... we won’t last as things stand. We need a Ranger and a Cleric, or someone who knows BASIC healing spells. That is a very dangerous place.
Blue: Well, Muffet gave me a name of someone who might join. He’s actually a Ranger! AND he has an older brother!
Edge: Any idea what the older brother does?
Blue: Muffet said something about a Paladin? Or a former one at least.
Edge: ..... yes, stopping there would be a good idea.

***
Bookwyrm
(Edge thought he would get two minor healers with scattered other abilities. He got spider boy and the crazy one.)

Flashback:
Edge: We will need transportation and a map at the least.

Blue: Stretch should have that! I'll get you a tea while we wait then we can get Red’s stuff next!

***
HomeHawk12
(I currently love everything about this)

***
Bookwyrm
(Writer’s Room:

Fish: .... Chitter this is the best thing I've ever written so far.)

***
HomeHawk12
*Things transition back to the present.*
Blue: And THAT is how we ended up with everyone in the party! *Big smile.*
Razz: .... I don’t need more supplies.... I’ll figure out transport.
Blue: THAT’S GREAT! Brother! Go and help him barter. Your bard degree will make it easier.
*Stretch really doesn’t want to go with crazy.*


***
Bookwyrm
*Crazy doesn't want to go with Stretch either. Crazy can do business on his own thank you very much. This isn't Razz’s first adventure. The last one left him with the world's most annoying demon sword.*
Stretch: ... sooo. We need food, right? Honey is food.
Razz: Honey is expensive. While it does stay good for a very long time, it is not budget good. We should get jerky, good as is and can be put in soup. Bread won't last all that long, a week at most. Potatoes and onions last a long time. Wine or an alcohol will last too. Best to get cheap alcohol that isn't all that strong. We will need wineskins, and salt will be useful too......... fuck off! I know the barbarian will drink us out! I was just listing options!
Stretch: ..........oooooookay. I didn't say anything.
Razz: I wasn't fucking talking to you.

***
HomeHawk12
Razz: If TIFFANY would shut up for five seconds, maybe we could come up with a decent list!
Stretch: ..... Tiffany?
Razz: It’s what I call my dumb demon sword because it hates when I call it that.
Stretch: .... demon sword? *Looks at the black metal sword on his back. The hilt looks old and a bit rusted. Nothing a demon would want to possess. Too plain.*
Edge: How about we write up a list first and decide from there?
Razz: Finally, someone that talks sense around here.
Stretch: .......

***
Bookwyrm
(Razz probably has a list of names for the different levels of annoyance.)

(Stretch buddy.... not everyone wants to seal a demon into an expensive ass sword! And gold is a soft metal! Not battle ready at ALL.)

Edge: ......*At least the crazy has travel experience.*
Razz: Rope. I won't leave without a good amount of rope.
Stretch: .... why rope?
Razz: It is so useful and versatile.
Edge: ..... didn't you learn this as a bard?
Stretch: .... uh, yeah… I was just testing you. *Nods toward Razz making eye contact with Edge, implying things.*

***
HomeHawk12
*Edge understands the implication, but is not amused.*
Edge: Transportation would be the next thing.
Blue: Do we get horses?!
Razz: Probably a wagon and maybe one or two mules. The Gnarled Woods is horrible for wagons, but we can use that to get there. A bunch of horses would make us too noticeable. Mules are better. Plus, we can eat them if we get desperate. Or two smaller horses will work too. I hate eating horses though.

***
Bookwyrm
Edge: ....... that is .... helpful yet bluntly-
Razz: No Clarice I won't even try that. *Flicks the pommel of his sword.* Shut up or I won't oil you.
Stretch: .... you sure we can't get honey?

Blue: .... I think we should sort out what we do have for the journey, Red!
Red: zzzzzzz.....
Blue: RED! GET UP! I THINK YOU NEED A SHOWER! I NEED TO LOOK AND YOUR ARMOR ANYWAY!
Red: *Startled awake from Blue’s hero voice.*

***
HomeHawk12
*Edge perks up as soon as he hears the word “shower.”*
Red: ..... five more minutes..... zzzzz….
Blue: RED- *Edge quickly covers his mouth.*
Edge: We aren’t going to get him to bathe like that. We have to be sneaky.
Blue: What do you mean?

*A few minutes later:*
Blue: Red, I am sorry about this, but you stink!
Red: *Blinks his sockets when Blue scoops him up.* Wha -AHHH! *Gets thrown into a bubble filled tub, armor and everything.*
Red: BLUE YOU BASTARD-
*Edge grabs and holds him down with one hand, going crazy with a scrub brush in the other.*
Edge: You have NO IDEA how long I’ve wanted to do this brother!
Red: I’LL KILL ALL OF YA IN YOUR SLEEP- *Gurgles when he gets dunked back under.*

***

Bookwyrm
Razz: ...... I’m not touching that. Slim! We are checking our list and getting shit for the road. *Taking a 2nd command position, Blue is very inexperienced and Razz doesn't think Edge has had a leader position yet. Doesn't act like it. With him as the healer and Slim the ranger, it's their responsibility to make sure they are stocked.*

***
HomeHawk12
*Edge is too busy reveling in Red getting clean to care. Slim and Razz take Blue’s wallet and head into town.*
Slim: Hey look, the stable.
Razz: I don’t see any mules in their pens and I don’t like it.
Slim: Should we buy a cart and animals now? Makes carrying everything else easier.... bro?
Razz: I don’t care if you like slaughtering horses! I DON’T! What were you saying brother?

***
Bookwyrm
Slim: ..... should we wait on a cart and animals?
Razz: Hmmm. No. This is the largest city we will come across if we head to the Gnarled Woods. We should find another stable. Its quite a walk from home. Either we get animals here or test our luck. And I wouldn't want to test our luck. If the knight doesn't have his own horse he isn't a well backed one. Or spends his money unwisely. This is the capital. If the shops around the castle don't have it, where else would?
Slim: .... I just don't go into the town much, we have most of what we need at the cottage.
Razz: We will need more for the journey.

***

HomeHawk12
Slim: You know. We didn’t ask if the Knight has a horse or not. We literally only met him..... an hour ago? Yeah, watch says it’s been an hour. It’s pretty late in the afternoon too.
Razz: ..... Alright. We shall purchase food supplies first, stop back to see if they are done with the whole.... bath thing..... SHUT UP DAISEY I TOOK A BATH YESTERDAY!
Slim: Should we grab some honey for the Bard? He really wanted some.
Razz: It’s too expensive, and it’s not difficult to find bee hives in the wilds. We’ll just pack some extra jars.
*Meanwhile, Edge is wrestling fur and armour pieces off his brother tossing them to Blue, who is marking what is too rusted or worn and needs replacing. Stretch is enjoying the show.*

***
Bookwyrm
(Is it bad I want the demon to be a hate-flirter when it gets the chance to be in control?)

*Slim is too used to his brother’s outbursts now. He just lets them happen.*
Slim: .... Yes, I could find some. I just don't know IF we will pass near any.
Razz: Too bad, I'm not spending a quarter of the money on honey.

At Razz’s Cottage:
Red: YOU FUCKERS!
Edge: Brother, you should be nice to Razz! Look, he has some scented soap!

***
HomeHawk12
Razz’s Cottage:
Red: IMMA BE DICKS TO YOU- GURGURGURGURG~
Blue: Okay! So basically Red needs his entire armor set replaced! Wowie, you took terrible care of it!!!

(BRO THAT WOULD BE HILARIOUS XD)

***
HomeHawk12
In Town:
Razz: Okay, this 70 pounds of jerky, potatoes, and onion will last us a little after we enter the forest, perhaps longer if you make a successful hunt along the way.
Slim: *Huff. Huff.* Can we get a cart now please?????

***
Bookwyrm

Razz: ..... Slim, you should know that an adventurer needs to be able to carry all that he needs on him. Much like a ranger or forester does- NO DENISE I AM NOT GETTING A NEW SHEATH.

***
HomeHawk12
Slim: But we are carrying supplies for SIX PEOPLE.
Razz: We’re almost home so stop- what the hell am I looking at???
*In the wash basin there is a mound of soap bubbles with glowing red eyelights, only for Edge to dump a bucket of not-soapy water on it to reveal a very clean, very naked, and very pissed Red.*

(Bro what if Edge does have a horse and it’s as much of a prick as he is?)

***
Bookwyrm
(The horse is black too. Edge has a whole set of soaps and brushes just for Death Strider.)

Red: Fuck all of this.
Razz: .... was that. MY GOOD SOAP FOR AUDIENCES WITH ROYALTY?!
Slim: ............... I’ll.... pack stuff up I guess.