Walking Along the Fine Edge of Reason
Ray Vecchio had called me a few days ago and I still had the feeling something was wrong, and now I was back in Chicago so I could check up on him and see if he really was okay. However, I decided that it could wait until I’d sorted myself out and was ready to face every one at the precinct. I’d book myself into a motel for the night and maybe grab something to eat, I guess that I just wanted a bit of time to myself before facing my friend and all the goings on at the station. It didn’t help when I learnt that my own place was now burnt to the ground and I was just thankful that I’d left very little there.
So, now I had a room for the night and was informed of a great bar that served some good food, well it all sounded good so I showered and dressed in my jeans and black leather jacket. I was pleased to note that the bar was rather clean and offered a couple of tables along the back wall for diners. Well tonight I would eat well and even treat myself to one beer, maybe it would help me relax as I was starting to feel really alone now and still missed Ray. Hmm, I had to wonder if I’d say that in a few weeks when he was moaning about his Italian suits and the Riv.
The food was better than I expected and the drink just made me feel even more lonelier than before, and it wasn’t as if I were really a needy person either. Then I was brought back to the present when someone sat down opposite me, well maybe sat was an understatement as he seemed to have a problem with sitting still. The man looked in his thirties with spiky blond hair and a smile to die for, he also looked like he wanted to say something and was not sure how to say it.
“May I help you?”
“I saw ya alone and just thought ya might want some company.”
“Hmm, and just what sort of company would that be?”
“I’m easy and open to suggestions.”
“Then I might be willing to share your company.”
“Greatness, we can go out back if ya want as there’s an alley there.”
“I have a room and it’s only a few minutes from here.”
“Cool, that’s even better.”
“I’m Ben by the way.”
“Nice to meet ya Ben, ya can call me Stanley.”
“Well, what are we waiting for, Stanley?”
I led him back to my motel room and wondered about my sanity and whether this was a good idea, not that it mattered as I’d gone so long without any real human contact and I craved the man in front of me. What was not to like, he was gorgeous and so full of energy. That was part of the reason I lost all reasonable thought once we entered the room, within seconds I had him pinned up against the wall and my hands down his pants.
“Jeez, ya waste no time…”
I pressed my free hand over his mouth and his eyes got really huge, and all that did was turn me on even more. The trouble was knowing what I wanted from him, I wanted to feel his mouth on my erection, then I also wanted to pin him to the wall and make sure he remembered me. I wanted to feel myself deep inside his tight ass and make him mine, for some reason I really didn’t want to let him go.
“I need to be inside you.”
“You heard me.”
I yanked his jeans down along with his underwear and shoved him against the wall, then I was in heaven as I started kissing his neck and running my hand under his tee shirt until I found a nipple. I then couldn’t help myself as I squeezed it hard, and he obviously couldn’t help all the noises he was making and that turned me on.
“Hey, jeans pocket… Condoms, lube…”
“Ya would say that, look I don’t know ya from Adam and this ain’t happening without one.”
“As you wish.”
I retrieved the objects I would need and then prepared myself, then within seconds I was moving and pushing my erection deep inside him. The man was so tight and I had to force myself until I breached the tight ring of muscle, then I was fully inside and I couldn’t stop myself now no matter what. So long without anyone and I had a lot to make up for, I knew that I was far from gentle and the man would have many bruises come tomorrow morning too. He was so thin and I couldn’t hold back as I grabbed his hips tight and worked up a rhythm, I guess I was acting more like an animal and the words coming out of my mouth was so unlike me.
“You’re mine now and I’ll never let you go; I’m going to make sure you never forget me Stanley or forget how I make you feel. Do you believe in love at first sight, because I never did until I met you?”
“Oh god, I’m gonna come…”
“Just relax, Stanley and let me take care of you, I want to pleasure you and make you feel things you’ve never felt before. Maybe next time we can take it slow and you’ll let me make love to you…”
“Hey, it’s your time and dol… oh fuck…”
I felt his body tense up and then he came all over my hand, then I couldn’t help myself as my hand automatically went to my mouth and I started to lick it clean. The taste of this man overwhelmed me and then I was coming and I’d felt nothing like this before, I felt so light headed and had to lean against him so I didn’t pass out.
“Any chance of ya moving?”
I stepped back and gave him some room, he then turned around and started pulling his clothes back on and putting them in order. I was so high on all the endorphins at the moment and acted without even thinking, I’d reached my hand out to him and then with my words everything came crashing down upon me.
“Please. Come to bed and stay the night with me.”
“It costs a hell of a lot more if ya want me to stay…”
“Well, ya didn’t think this was free did ya, or that I do it for the good of my health?”
“Oh dear, I seem to have misjudged you and the situation.”
“Just pay up and I’ll be outta yer hair.”
“I want to see you again and not as some customer.”
“Sorry, no can do. I don’t do relationships as they’re bad for yer health.”
In the end I was left with no choice but to pay the man what he wanted, and now the pain was far worse than before this. I knew what I was missing now and just how much I wanted him, maybe I should have stayed alone and I wouldn’t be feeling like this. Well, I could tell myself anything and it wouldn’t change the facts. In just a few hours this man had got under my skin, he was intriguing and made my heart beat faster just thinking about him. How the hell could I feel this way, and then only to realize I can never have him again.
This was going to be one of those days and I just knew it, especially as I’d woke before my alarm had screeched in my ear and signaled it was morning. Hell, I hated mornings and I couldn’t figure out what had woken me up, then I also had to wonder why the hell I felt like shit too. This was becoming a habit and I had to get my head together, as it wasn’t the first time I’d woke up and my mouth tasted like I’d just made out with someone.
Finally, I decided I might as well get up now I was awake, and then it hit me that the feeling was different this time and far worse. My ass was in a lot of pain and it was as if I’d, oh fuck don’t go there Ray. Well, it was too late as my mind had images running through it of what might have happened, I was here all night and I even remembered going to bed early with a headache. I was even starting to wonder if I were losing it, or if someone had come over and I’d got drunk or something. Fuck this, I was a first grade detective and I knew when things wasn’t adding up.
In the end I decided on a warm shower and hoped it would take my mind off things, well it worked until I noticed all the bruises that were on my hips and backside. Okay maybe I’d had some sort of nightmare and fallen out of bed or something, yeah and that really explained all the rest that I was fast trying to forget about and deny. This was not happening to me and I wasn’t going to let it control me, hmm maybe I’d been abducted by aliens or something. Well, at least it would explain the probing of my fuckin ass and all the bruises.
I’d played around years ago back when I questioned my sexuality, not that anything had gone any farther than the odd blow job. I’d refused to let anyone fuck me as it was just something I wasn’t ready for at the time, then I couldn’t help myself as I pressed a finger against the tight hole and pushed it inside, I was a detective and I knew I was looking for signs of what might have happened. To my relief, there was no come or anything inside me to suggest it was a person that did this either. Right, I’d had enough of this and I had to get ready for work, I’d just have to put it down to aliens, that or someone was drugging my water and I was imagining it all.
I could be paranoid at times and decided it was bottled water for a while, no way was I taking any risks when I didn’t need to. I even decided to grab a coffee at the precinct just in case. Well, I could lie to myself and just pretend nothing had happened, I had lied to myself right back to that day in the bank and was good at it. I’d even lied when everything went to shit with me and Stella, yeah, I just lied and pretended everything was good between us.
I finished my shower and was soon ready for work, I was ready to go face another day as Ray Vecchio and even please Welsh by turning up early for a change. First though, I took a long look at myself in the mirror to make sure I looked like my normal self. Yeah, I was good to go, I was the same me on the outside and that was all that mattered. I drove over to the precinct and the first thing I did was grab myself a coffee, I’d even brought some change so I could buy some chocolate and have my morning fix. I always worked better once I had my caffeine and chocolate; I was actually feeling rather relaxed as I walked to my desk and bumped into Welsh.
“I’m glad you’re here early, Vecchio.”
“And why would that be?”
“You haven’t forgotten, have you?”
“Forgotten what exactly?”
“The Mountie, he’s arriving today and I need to appraise him of the situation with regards to you and the real Vecchio.”
“Just be prepared okay, the man can be a little strange when you don’t know him. Hell, he can even be strange when you do know him too.”
“I’m a big boy Sir, I’m sure I’ll cope just fine with the Mountie.”
“Yeah, well you’ve been warned…”
I really couldn’t understand what the big deal was, I knew the man was Canadian and rather polite most of the time. It would appear that he’s also Vecchio’s best friend and that meant he was now my best friend. Well, I never really had any friends left since the divorce, so maybe it was a good thing and we might just get along like a house on fire. For now, I had plenty of things to keep me busy, there was a load of stuff I had to file as my desk was now overflowing with files, and also there were the two reports I still owed Welsh.
I guess making space would be the first priority, that way I would have space to move and deal with all the reports. First thing first though, I would need another coffee before I was really ready to do all that. I’d shoved all my money in my wallet this morning and would now have to break into a note, coffee was never good enough without the chocolate. Then I opened my wallet and just stood there with my mouth open, just fuckin great this was. I pulled out the notes and wondered which shop had given me Canadian dollars in my change instead of American notes. Then I forgot all about my coffee and the funny money as I heard a commotion behind me, then this dog pushed past me along with a blur of red. And I was so wrong if I thought my day was fucked up, because my day was going to get far worse before it was over.
I was up early and looking forward to seeing Ray once more, he was my best friend and maybe I could talk to him with regards to Stanley and what had happened. I knew most people would think I was stupid; I mean how could you possibly have such strong feelings for someone you’ve just met. Well, I had to remain positive, today was about seeing Ray again and that was all that mattered for now, then I walked into the precinct and all my good intentions flew out of the window.
“Whoa, ya can’t go round calling me that, my name’s Ray Vecchio.”
“I don’t know who you are, but I assure you that you’re not Ray Vecchio.”
This man was really starting to frustrate me and I just wanted my friend here so I could talk to him, instead I ended up talking with Lieutenant Welsh inside his office. Well, that was after this other man Stanley, Ray or whoever it was followed us into the room. He pretty much threw himself down on the nearest chair and then he grinned at me, it was the same grin that he’d had last night when I met him in the bar before I left with him.
I knew I’d have to say something to him about last night and what had happened, especially after Welsh explained we were to work together. I was to treat this new Ray like he was my friend who I hadn’t seen for some time, well at least that would give me some time to figure out what I was going to say.
Stanley had made it very clear that he didn’t do relationships and I had to wonder if I could convince him differently, then there was also the other consideration to take in to account. No one liked officers who went moonlighting, you were an officer of the law and that was your main priority in life. There were many officers who’ve balanced a couple of jobs at once as they needed the money, but they would end up overtired and mistakes would be made. Oh, and then there was the question regarding his other job, especially as it was illegal to solicit men for money.
It turned out that all of my questions would have to wait until later that day, we had more urgent matters to deal with like a house fire at Vecchio’s place. So, it would appear that someone had it in for me and my original partner, and now that would place this new Ray at risk and I wanted to do everything that I could to keep him safe and out of harm’s way. As I now had a lot of mixed emotions with regards to the man, I wanted to keep Stanley safe as I felt a lot for him, also he was the man that was risking his life every day to keep my friend alive.
I guess that was one of the reasons why I also collected his DNA, I wanted to know exactly who this man was and what it was that made him tick so to speak. I had to know what sort of life he had that would make him like he was, also him selling himself could cause a lot of problems for the real Ray if anyone found out what he was doing. The man was a complete mystery to me, he outright claimed that he wouldn’t risk his life for anybody, and then that same man put himself in the way of a bullet to protect me, and then claim it was just his job. Ray had no idea whether the vest would protect him, for all he knew it could have ended up a head shot.
I had to admit that the real Ray wouldn’t be pleased though with regards to his car, well not when he finds out it’s at the bottom of lake Michigan that is. In the space of one day I’d come to like and respect this new Ray and would enjoy working with him, I suppose the only problem was that I wanted Stanley too. I had no idea whether he’d even want anything to do with me now the day was over, yet I took my chances and asked him if he wanted to get something to eat with me. I was actually surprised when he said we could go over to his place and order in, and in some ways that made me feel relaxed and ready to ask him all the questions I’d kept bottled up all day.
“Make yer self at home Frase.”
“Thank you kindly, Stan…Sorry, Ray.”
“No problem, whatcha want on yer pizza Frase?”
“Anything will be fine, Ray.”
Ray ordered the pizza and we both relaxed, I did also spend most of my time watching Ray and everything that he did. I still wanted him and just had to figure out how to broach the subject. As I’d learnt so much about the man in the last few hours and this could be hard to deal with, I realized that he was a very passionate man when it came to his job as an officer, despite he seemed to have a low opinion of himself otherwise. Ray was also a very impatient man and had a very volatile temper at times, yet I remembered how only yesterday he was like putty in my hands.
We’d finished eating and now Ray was sat beside me on the small couch with a beer in his hand, maybe that would help him relax and be open to answering all my questions. Of course, I was also hoping he might be open to the idea of repeating what we did last night but not with me as a customer. I wanted Ray to see the real me and want me for who I am, not just because I was willing to throw money at him. Then I wondered if I would pay him if it were the only way, most likely as my body was already reacting to him and how close he was.
Don’t get me wrong here, I liked this man and that surprised me as I was really unsure at first, it was just the way he looked at me that freaked me out. I guess it was as if he were trying to figure me out, yeah was perhaps trying to figure out if I were the one that was a freak. After all, Fraser was so different from me and I had to wonder how the hell he put up with me. Then there was one other thing that bothered me too, why he’d called me Stanley or how he could possibly even know it’s my real name. Only my mother still called me that and my name was Ray, and I didn’t just mean when I was undercover as Vecchio either.
“Frase, can I ask ya somethin?”
“Of course, you may. Ray.”
“Why did ya call me Stanley?”
“I would have thought that was obvious, do you not realize how hard it has been for me today, Ray?”
“Whatcha mean, I don’t see what that has to do with ya calling me Stanley.”
“Well, it was the name you gave me last night, Ray.”
“Frase, yer a freak, did ya hit yer head or something. Look I only met ya this morning, hell maybe someone in the station said it and ya overheard.”
“You don’t have to lie to me, Ray.”
“Frase, talk right now, otherwise I might have ta kick ya in the head.”
“Violence never solves anything Ray, and it was a shock for me to learn you were a police officer considering your night job.”
“What the fuck…”
“I take it your day job doesn’t pay you enough, Ray.”
“I am so not doing this; I did not know you before today and I don’t have a fuckin night job either.”
“So, you are denying that you offer yourself to men for money?”
“Is this some kind of joke, Frase, hardy ha ha…well you’ve had yer fun so just drop it will ya!”
“Ray, I assure you that this is no joke. You picked me up in a bar last night and we…oh dear.
“And we supposedly did what, Fraser?”
“We went back to my place and then we had sexual liaisons.”
“Whoa back up there a bit buddy, like fuck did any of that happen.”
“I made the mistake of actually thinking you wanted company, then you told me to pay up and I realized you were nothing more than a whore.”
I was up and on my feet in seconds, I then grabbed Fraser and slammed him against the nearest wall. It fuckin hurt and I couldn’t understand why he was doing this, or why he’d say those things to me.
“Take it back Fraser. Otherwise, I swear here and now that I’m gonna punch ya in the face…”
“I wanted more, Ray; I actually like you a lot. Then you had to charge me and act like a whore, so yes you are nothing more than a common whore, Ray.”
I brought my fist back and within seconds it connected with his jaw, fuck why was everyone trying to mess with my head. I knew it couldn’t be true as no way would I do something like that, so all I could do was sit back down on the couch with my head in my hands.
“Ray, look at me, please.”
“What so ya can insult me even more?”
I watched as he grabbed my wallet from the coffee table and opened it, well fuck him as I had no idea why he was looking and I didn’t even care either. Then he started pulling something out and then threw it on my lap, my eyes were blurry now and it was hard to see without him knowing I was crying.
“Take a look at the money Ray, you’ll notice that they’re Canadian dollars. The same Canadian dollars that I used to pay you last night for your services…”
“Get out, just get the fuck out right now or else…”
“Ray, I don’t want to hurt you, quite the opposite actually. However, no one can help you unless you can admit to yourself what you do on a night.”
“Please, leave me alone…”
“I’m going. However, you have to realize that we work together and I won’t let this drop. You deal with it or I’ll be left with no other choice but to tell Lieutenant Welsh.”
“Tell him what, ya can’t tell him shit when it’s not true?”
“I will give you one week, Ray. I would also suggest that you pull yourself together before morning.”
“Shit, ya expect me to still work with ya.”
“Yes, I do, you are an adult and a qualified detective Ray.”
“Get out Frase before I hit ya again.”
“Please don’t cry, Ray.”
With that I grabbed the empty mug off the coffee table and threw it towards Fraser, my aim was worth shit when I wasn’t wearing my glasses though and the mug hit the wall and smashed into many pieces, seconds later I heard the door close and knew I was on my own.
Fuck, I really couldn’t remember anything about last night other than sleeping. Also, I knew I wasn’t a whore either, so even if I had gone out without realizing there was no way I’d have charged for sex. Not that it could be true though as I’d never slept with another man, and what was all this about Fraser wanting me and how he’d wanted more than just one night.
I got up and went to get a bottle of whiskey from the kitchen and downed a full glass straight away, all I wanted was something that would make me sleep so I could forget about all this. Shit then all the drink did was make me paranoid, I was starting to imagine myself getting drunk and then going out. Maybe I’d return in the morning with no memory of what I’d done, well that was enough to really freak me out.
I went into the bathroom and did the basics before I called it a night, not that I knew how the hell I’d face Fraser tomorrow, Once done, I went into the room and grabbed something that might help before retreating to the bedroom for the night. It didn’t take me long to strip and get settled on the bed, I then took the cuffs and attached one to my wrist and the other to the headboard. Maybe that would help with the paranoia and I might actually get some sleep.
The cuffs did their job and kept the paranoia away, it was just as shame that they couldn’t keep the nightmares away too. I’d dreamt that I was with Fraser and he was screaming at me and then suddenly the whole station knew about me, Stanley Raymond Kowalski was nothing but a common whore. I’d woke up screaming and covered in sweat, that was when I also realized the cuff had damaged the tender skin on my wrist.
I’d left Ray alone and had returned to the consulate, I was angry with myself more than Ray as this wasn’t me or how I behaved. I’d just reduced the man to nothing with all my allegations, well I did actually have proof but that wasn’t the problem right now. I’d left the man sat there alone and in deep distress all because I had to make my point, maybe there was a reason why he couldn’t tell me why he was doing it and he could even be getting blackmailed for all I knew. Either way, I’d hurt Ray and I knew it was well beneath me, especially as it was a man that I actually liked and the same man that had taken a bullet to protect me.
The following morning Ray never arrived to pick me up from the consulate and I knew he must still be angry; well, I was quite capable of making my own way over there and would see how things went once I saw him. Except when I arrived Ray was nowhere to be seen and I went in search of lieutenant Welsh, it would appear that Ray had gone off to chase a lead he had and wouldn’t need my help today. So, I returned to the consulate as I was on duty in the afternoon due to Turnbull’s temporary absence, the man had a psyche test and wouldn’t be around until tomorrow. Well, the man most certainly needed a test of some sorts and there was no denying it, not that I was bothered standing in now as I had nothing better to do anyway.
The afternoon was rather cool and that helped somewhat, my body still wasn’t used to the weather here when it was too warm and the sun always faced me when I stood here on duty. I used my time to think about Ray and everything that I’d said to him, I was also thinking of ways that I could make this all right and make it up to him. It was hard when all I could see was him back in that motel room with me, his pants pushed down to his ankles as I took him hard and fast. Then the car pulled up and the object of my fantasies stepped out, Ray actually looked good this morning and was even smiling at me with a twinkle in his eye.
“Hey, Frase, I know ya can’t talk to me and all while yer working, so I guess I’ll have to do all the talking and that’s great as I can do that, I’m good at talking…”
Ray was rather energetic today and he was acting like he’d just had a high dose of caffeine, well that or it was just his way of dealing with all of this. I wanted to reassure him and tell him I was here for him, but this was the wrong time and it wasn’t like I could even say hello to him right now.
“Look I know we need to talk and I’m really sorry for hitting ya last night, I just kinda got a little lost back there. Yer my partner Frase and I have to trust ya so I don’t end up with a bullet in me for real, and I do wanna trust ya as I need a friend right now. Look you really did a number on me there Frase and I don’t know what to believe any more. I just figured Mounties can’t lie, and then you started calling me a whore and all…”
I stood here ramrod straight and struggled to stop the tears that threatened to fall, Ray was laying all his feelings before me and I couldn’t do a damn thing. Even though in some ways that was good, as part of me just wanted to hold him in my arms and kiss those gorgeous lips once more. This was not helping one bit, and I knew Ray wasn’t the only one that needed to sort himself out before things spiraled out of control. I realized that I should also be paying attention to Ray and what he was saying, as it wasn’t like I could even ask him to repeat himself.
“I’ll swing by at five Frase, then maybe we can drive somewhere and have a talk. Come on Dief move it.”
I watched and was highly amused as Ray tried to get Dief out of his car, obviously Dief was bored here and had seized the opportunity when Ray left the car door open. And I knew there was no moving him when he was in one of these moods, also he knew Ray would slip him things that he wasn’t meant to have too.
“I have to deal with stubborn Mounties and now stubborn wolves too, look Frase the wolf’s gonna have ta come with me as I ain’t arguing with him. Well especially as I like my limbs just where they are.”
I trusted Ray with Dief and I knew he would be okay, maybe it would also be good for Ray to have some company so he had less time to brood about things and at least he was still smiling. I would have given anything to be able to smile right now too, especially as Ray always called me a freak for talking to Dief. Yet here Ray was having a full conversation with him. That was when I suddenly had an epiphany of my own and it scared the hell out of me, it had suddenly hit me that I was falling in love with this bright gorgeous man that stood before me.
“Stay at yer own side Dief and no licking okay, I gotta drive here and ya don’t want me to crash do ya. See ya at five, Fraser.”
With that Ray closed the car door and screeched away, well at least I knew I had something to look forward to come five o’clock. For now, I would have to keep my feelings under wrap and help Ray open up to me and tell me what was really happening.
Yeah, I was a damn coward when it came to facing my own feeling and Fraser, and that was why I’d gone over to the consulate to speak to him. The trouble was going back there, as this time I knew Fraser would be off duty and would want to talk to me about all of this. I drove over there to find Fraser stood there waiting for me to arrive, and I couldn’t miss how he looked in the casual clothing. I’d only ever seen him in his uniform and he already looked good in that, shit that was when I realized I shouldn’t be having thought like that about my partner.
“Good evening, Ray.”
“Are ya ready, Frase?”
“Yes, I’m ready, I do hope that Dief behaved himself for you, Ray?”
“Yeah, he was good, so where do ya wanna go, Frase?”
“I will leave that to you, Ray.”
“Cool, I thought we could drive over to the park and let Dief have a run.”
“That’s very thoughtful of you, Ray.”
The drive was made in silence as neither one of us truly knew what to say to each other, and I hurt so much trying to deal with what I’d done to Fraser and what he’d called me. I tried to remain cheery hoping to lighten the mood somewhat, then we arrived at the park and we both got out along with the wolf. Dief ran off while we both followed him around the park, neither one of us could break the silence and it was starting to really freak me out now. Maybe I could start by apologizing to him, as I really shouldn’t have hit him no matter what he’d called me.
“I should never have hit ya and I’m sorry okay.”
“You don’t need to apologize, Ray.”
“Yeah, I do, I was way out of line and shoulda controlled my temper better than I did.”
“Ray, I was the one who pushed you. Either way, we still have to address the problem at hand.”
“I can’t admit to something I can’t remember doin Frase, and that’s why I dunno how to move on.”
“Ray, I can one hundred percent assure you that it was you I was with that night.”
“Do not do that, Frase…”
“Do what, Ray?”
“I look at ya and I see the person who I work with, the person I also see as my friend. You though, ya just see me as someone you fucked one night.”
“I do not see you in that way at all Ray, I also see you as my friend and partner too.”
“I didn’t mean it like that Frase, I just mean ya claim to have done things and seen me…god I can’t do this.”
“You mean I’ve seen you when you’re vulnerable, in a way you wouldn’t normally wish to be seen.”
“Just drop it Frase, come on I wanna go home.”
I turned away from Fraser and made my way back to the car, and It was his choice whether he wanted to follow me or not. Fraser was super intelligent and I was struggling to come up with the right words, especially when I was as confused as hell with all of this. He was right in some ways though, it pissed me off just thinking about what he saw and what he sees when he looks at me. Well, it was time I either admitted that it was me, that or I had a twin out there that I knew nothing about.
There was just one problem with everything, and that was the fact I couldn’t accept it was me no matter how hard I tried. Maybe I could drop Fraser off and go home and get drunk, at least that would make everything go away until tomorrow. I was still lost in thought when the car door opened and Fraser got in with Dief, he just sat there staring down at his hands and for some reason that pleased me. I raised my hand to wipe something off the windscreen before taking him back to the consulate, shit and that was when he grabbed my arm and I totally fell apart
“Ray, please talk to me.”
“It’s nothin, Frase.”
“I won’t let this drop, Ray, I need you to tell me what happened to your wrist. Did someone do this to you, Ray. Did someone hurt you?”
“I did it to myself so drop it.”
“I don’t understand...”
“Join the fuckin club.”
“Fuck you and fuck all of this.”
Now the tears were coming fast and I was having a fuckin melt down with my partner in the car, I was losing it and didn’t know how to control my temper or deal with what I felt. So, I lashed out and started smacking my forehead against the steering wheel, then it was my fists as I sure as hell didn’t want to hit Fraser again.
“Ray, stop that. Please, you have to calm down as this won’t help at all.”
“I’m not a whore, I’m not a whore, I’m not a whore…”
I was totally lost and felt so alone, no one would believe me now and everyone would see me as some dirty whore who sold himself for money. I was dirty and Fraser deserved so much better than me, yet I still tried to tell him that I wasn’t really a whore and it wasn’t me. Shit, that was when I felt a sharp pain across my cheek and realized where I were. Fraser must have got out of the car and he was now knelt down at my open door, he’d also just slapped me really hard across the face too.
“I’m so sorry, Ray. You were hysterical and left me with very little choice, sometimes I don’t know my own strength and for that I apologize.”
I looked up at Fraser and that just made me feel even worse, I was fucked up and I knew that. Yet here I was bringing down my partner too, a man who should be smart enough to turn around and walk away from me before I destroyed him along with myself. I even thought about doing something to drive him away, then the tears came once more when I thought about my life now and how it would be without him in it.
I wasn’t very good at dealing with things like this, but I knew that I couldn’t sit here and watch him fall apart and suffer all alone. So, I reached forward and pulled him into my arms. Ray sobbed and I could feel the warm tears against my skin as he buried his face against my neck, his scent was overwhelming and I could remember the last time that I’d been this close to him. I tried to tell myself that now was not the time to be thinking like that, then his hair brushed against my cheek and my whole body reacted, certain parts more than others.
“I’ve got you, Ray.”
“I’m so fuckin sorry, Frase.”
“Ray, you have to tell me why you used the cuffs on yourself, I need to know what you’re thinking so I can help.”
“I get a little paranoid at times, so I cuffed myself to the bed.”
“Oh, Ray. You thought you would be safe if you did that.”
“Yeah, Look I’m sorry for this and maybe it’s just sleep depreciation.”
“You mean sleep deprivation, Ray.”
“Yeah, that too, Frase.”
“Look I think you should let me drive, Ray.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
I moved out of Ray’s way so he could get out and go around to the passenger side, then I got into the driver’s seat and started the car. I quickly glanced over at Ray to see how he was holding up; the man was quiet now but I could still see the tears as they rolled down his cheeks. And I’d reached out to him without even realizing it, my thumb brushed against his soft skin and wiped the tears away.
“Buckle up, Ray.”
He had this faraway look on his face, yet he still managed to fasten his seat belt before I set off to drive him home. Ray also looked confused and maybe my behavior wasn’t helping either, it was just so hard when I had so many feelings for him. So, I drove him back to his apartment and kept my opinions to myself for now, there would be time soon enough to reflect on everything that had happened. I arrived and parked outside to find Ray just sitting there, he wasn’t talking to me or even making any attempt to remove the seat belt.
“Ray, Ray, Ray…”
“Do you want me to come inside with you?”
“No, I’m a big boy, Frase.”
“Hey, I should drive you and Dief home…”
“The fresh air will do us both good, Ray.”
“Ya sure, Frase?”
“Ray, go inside and get some rest. You can call me at the consulate if you need anything, no matter what time of night it is.”
I left Ray and made my way back to the consulate with Dief, Ray worried me so much and I was starting to doubt myself and my choice to leave him alone. Oh, I know he claimed to be okay, but I knew a man that was okay didn’t cuff himself to the bed for no reason. Ray had claimed that he was paranoid and I knew he was starting to question himself, well there was nothing I could do tonight other than getting some sleep myself.
Things didn’t happen that way though, I arrived back at the consulate and prepared for bed as I was rather tired now and had to be up early. Then as soon as I laid down my mind was occupied with just one thought, Ray and that motel room. I presumed it was having him so close that had triggered the memory once more, and with that memory came my own arousal and need. The man did things to me and made me do things that I wouldn’t do normally, I’d wanted Ray that night and nothing would have stopped me taking what I wanted from him. He was this spark that ignited something deep inside me, he awakened a part of me that I never knew existed.
There were so many thoughts going on in my head now and the need was becoming unbearable, then my hand was slipping inside my boxers as I imagined Ray naked and desperate. Just the thought turned my cock to stone and I knew this wouldn’t take long, especially as I thought back to that night and how it had felt to be inside Ray. My cock buried to the hilt inside his tight warm backside, forcing myself in and out of him as he cried out in pleasure, then the taste of him when he finally found release.
I realized I was shaking and then I was coming all over my boxers and my hand, my own release was over and then reality reared its ugly head as usual. I guess I suddenly felt really alone and was only tormenting myself, I was reliving something that I could never have again and knowing that hurt a hell of a lot. Then my thoughts turned back to Ray, I was wondering if he was still awake and if he felt all alone. Then I thought about the cuffs and what he’d used them for, would Ray be restrained to his own bed in a bid to feel safe because he had no one to watch over him.
I jumped up off my cot and went to clean myself up, the last thing I wanted was for Ray to smell the scent of sex on me. Well maybe I was over reacting and Ray wouldn’t’ have the same sense of smell that I did, even so it still paid to clean myself up. Soon I was dressed once more in my casual clothes and then I grabbed my hat, the walk would do me good and I could always leave if Ray was asleep.
I finally reached his apartment and knocked on the door loud enough to be heard, yet no one came and all was silent. I would have to presume that Ray was fast asleep and couldn’t hear the door, especially as I didn’t want to dwell on the alternative. Well, the alternative was that Ray had gone out looking for company and perhaps wasn’t himself.
Fraser had dropped me off and it suddenly hit me just how fucked up I really was, as I knew what was happening could change my whole life along with my career. Not that there was anything I could do about it tonight other than getting drunk, ha, then I realized I was developing a god damn drinking problem on top of everything else. Well maybe not tonight though, as I’d walked into the kitchen to find only empty bottles.
Fuck this and fuck my life, I moved to the couch and lay down on it with my arm covering my eyes in the hope of blocking everything out. That was when all the memories of today came flooding back, yeah how I’d cried like a baby while my partner had held me in his arms, and how it had felt good having someone hold me. Yeah, I was fucked up big time and facing Fraser tomorrow wouldn’t be easy, that thought just made me want a drink even more and it wouldn’t go away.
I lay there a few more minutes and decided it was time to get up and move, I was still fully dressed and all I had to do was grab my car keys and go. There were plenty of liquor stores around here and one would still be open, then as I drove my mind noticed a club and I decided that might be far better than sitting alone in the dark and getting drunk.
I had no idea what had drawn me to this place, not that it mattered though as the music was good and they sold strong whiskey too. I finally managed to find a space to sit at the bar and that suited me just fine, and at least it would make ordering more drinks far easier.
Tonight, I planned to get hammered and fuck tomorrow and the hang over. Yeah great way to act Ray considering the job I was expected to get up and do, well it was okay as I could phone in sick and I wouldn’t have to face Fraser either. Great, then I remembered the car in the car park. Fuck that meant I would have to collect the car at some point tomorrow too, yeah well that could wait until later tomorrow as I planned to spent the whole day in bed recovering. I was on my third drink when someone came up behind me and put their hand on my shoulder, then they spoke and I nearly kicked them in the head.
“Are you working tonight, Stanley?”
“Whoa, don’t ever creep up on a guy like that!”
“Sorry, I just thought you might be up for some fun.”
“I don’t even know ya so just leave me alone.”
So, it’s like that is it, Stanley.”
“My name’s Ray and I’ve never met you before.”
“I could never forget a pretty mouth like that, and just the thought of what it can do makes me hard.”
“You sick fuck, get the hell away from me before I call the cops.”
“You weren’t saying that last time you were here Stanley, when you were on your knees with that pretty mouth stuffed full with my cock.”
This man was fuckin insane, yet for some reason I didn’t want to tell him I was a cop and that worried me. Well not as much as what he was accusing me of though, also how the hell would he know my real name was Stanley if he didn’t know me. So many questions and my head was starting to spin, in the end I pushed past him and made my way towards the bathroom so I could escape him. My plan was to take a piss and get the hell out of here before I ended up smacking him one.
Well that turned out to be a big mistake and I blamed it on the drink, as the man had followed me there and seemed to think we were there for reasons other than the obvious. It didn’t help that the bathroom was empty and there was no one here who could help me if things got out of hand, it also didn’t help that the man was massive and towered over me. Then he grabbed hold of me by the neck and spun me around so he could face me, then he was trying to force me to my knees and I knew I had to fight back and get as far away from him as possible.
“Come on Stanley…You know you want to do this and that I’ll make it worth your while.”
“Get the fuck off me…”
“What’s up, isn’t my money good enough for a whore like you?”
I did the only thing that I could think of doing in this position, I pulled my knee up and then slammed it straight into his groin. The man collapsed to his knees with his hands between his legs, and that was when I saw my chance to get away and took it.
“You’ll pay for this, Stanley…”
I left the bar and ran over towards my car and then locked myself inside, I then called a cab to come and get me so I could get out of here and go home. Not that I had any intention of leaving my car until that cab was in view and I felt safe once more, and at least the man hadn’t followed me outside and that was something. Finally, the cab arrived and took me back home, then the first thing I did was call Welsh and leave a message on his answering machine saying I was sick and wouldn’t be in tomorrow.
Even so, I couldn’t hide from everyone forever and I knew that, shit and then I thought about Fraser and how he might call around to see if I needed anything. That was one man that I wasn’t ready to face until I got my head on straight and acted like a cop and his partner, hmm I don’t think leaving a note on my door was acting like a cop or even an adult but it was all I could do. The note just said I was sleeping and didn’t want to be disturbed, preferably until I grew a set of balls and manned up somewhat, well or until I was man enough to face Fraser.
I’d gone home that night and I felt like I’d let Ray down despite he was the one that didn’t answer the door, and it wasn’t like I knew where he might be either. It also wasn’t until I was back home that I remembered the car and how I hadn’t even looked for it, this one man made me feel so protective towards him and it was affecting my thinking. So, I did the only thing I could do and that was getting some sleep. Especially as I planned to be at the station early so I could talk to Ray, I knew he would be uncomfortable and that wouldn’t have to matter as it had to be done.
I was soon to learn it would be one of those days though, Inspector Thatcher had decided that I was needed at the Consulate and couldn’t leave until afternoon. As the day progressed nothing had changed and my thoughts still revolved around Ray, with regards to his sanity and how much he was possibly putting himself at risk along with many others. Ray was detective after all and would need to keep a level head, and my biggest fear was him becoming unaware of everything while he was on duty.
I was so determined that we would talk later, then I arrived at the station late afternoon to find his desk empty and of Ray there was no sign. However, I soon found Lieutenant Welsh and learn of Ray’s whereabouts, apparently Ray was at home sick and had taken the day off. That meant I had to decide whether it was worth hanging around here or going over to see Ray now, then that decision was made for me when detective Taylor came over and spoke to me.
It turned out that the detective was looking for Ray as he was needed on a case, I did explain that he was off sick and then asked if I could be of any assistance instead of Ray. It turned out that they had a raid planned for later that evening, some club was dealing in prostitution and illegal drugs. So, I agreed to go along as this way it would give me something to do while Ray would have more time alone to recover.
I’d returned to the consulate and dealt with some jobs there, then later on I returned to the precinct wearing my civilian clothing so I could blend in. I’d figured the leather jacket and jeans were far more suitable, I would be just a regular customer as would detective Taylor until we made our move. It was dark now and rather late when we finally left the station, yet when we arrived at the club it was rather busy and bustling with activity. Then I heard a voice behind me and it was like going back in time, back to a night that I would never forget as long as I lived.
“Stay around Ben and we can have some fun later.”
With that Ray was lost in the crowd, and it had worried me how I’d called him Stanley the minute I’d laid eyes on him. Now I would have to figure out how to get away from detective Taylor so I could find Ray, not that I had to wait long as he noticed something and then he was calling for back up. Then all hell broke loose and arrests were made, while I made my excuses and said I would go check out the bathroom.
It was rather hard getting through the crowds as people were panicking and trying to get out of here, then I finally made it to my destination and froze when I opened the door. There on the floor was Ray doing things I didn’t really want to see, well unless he wanted to do it with me that was. God then it hit me what I was thinking, and now really wasn’t the time to think of Ray on his knees as his mouth pleasured me.
“Ray, Ray, Ray…Okay Stanley you have to get out of here.”
Just then the door opened once more and I turned to see detective Taylor enter the bathroom behind me, then he looked rather annoyed that I was just standing there instead of doing my job.
“Get with it, Constable Fraser.”
“Is there any chance you can arrest him.”
“You don’t understand.”
I knew I had to think fast and that meant getting Ray out of here, then I realized he was trying to stand and was looking at me as if I’d betrayed him. Okay it was only a part lie and I could do this to protect my friend and partner, especially as I realized the detective only knew Ray by name and that was Vecchio.
“He’s an undercover detective named Kowalski.”
“He’s what, are you taking the piss.”
“No, I assure you that he is a detective.”
“Hell, you don’t suck a man’s dick even if you are undercover.”
“Maybe his cover was at risk and he was left with no choice.”
“Whatever, you will have to arrest him and then get him the hell out of here. That way his cover will be safe, just take him home or something.”
“Okay, I can do that. Right please stand up as you’re under arrest for solicitation.”
Ray stood up and I was forced to cuff his already damaged wrist, then I led him outside so I could figure out what to do next and that was when I saw the car.
“Ray, Stanley where are your keys?”
“I don’t have any, I don’t even have a car.”
“Please, just check your pockets.”
Ray looked rather annoyed with me and wasn’t willing to cooperate until I tried looking myself, then he pulled out a set of keys and just stood there staring at them.
“They’re not mine and I didn’t steal no car…”
“It will be okay, look just get in the car.”
“You used me, shit you’re a fuckin pig and you used me to get what you wanted. Hey, why are ya laughing at me?”
“I take it you dislike law enforcement?”
“Lousy fuckin cops, always sticking their noses where they’re not wanted.”
“What would you think if I told you that you are a detective.”
“I’d say yer a freak and need locking up.”
Finally, I managed to get Ray in the car and made him put his seat belt on, and then I made the slow but safe drive back to his apartment without any complaints from my partner. It was either because he couldn’t remember that my driving annoyed him, or the fact that he was now fast asleep in the passenger seat.
I woke and knew straight away that I was in a car and had to force my eyes open, then that was when I realized that I was in the passenger seat and my hands were fuckin cuffed. Now I really had a bad feeling about all of this and to make things worse, I had a horrible taste in my mouth and was about to throw up.
“Frase, pull the car over…”
“It’s good to have you back, Ray.”
“Frase, I’m gonna throw up in the car if ya don’t pull over.”
Well at least it worked and Fraser pulled over and had my door open within seconds, and all I could do was push him out of the way as I fell to my knees and threw up. My stomach heaved and I couldn’t get rid of the taste no matter what I did, then Frase put a hand on my shoulder and I really freaked.
“Get the hell off me Frase and get these fuckin cuffs off me too.”
“Ray, you need to calm down.”
“Do not tell me to calm down, Frase. Maybe ya should tell me what the fuck I’m doing cuffed in the first place.”
“I will when we get back to your place.”
“Ya can at least remove the cuffs, Frase.”
“As you wish, Ray.”
Frase did as I asked and I got back in to the car and sat there without talking, and I was still ignoring him when we reached my apartment because I felt dirty. I didn’t want to be near Fraser when I felt like this as he represented everything good, jeez I realized my head was even more fucked up than I’d first thought.
“Frase, ya can wait here or go home if ya don’t wanna wait.”
“Where are you going, Ray?”
“I need a shower and to brush my teeth.”
“That would be a good idea, Ray. However, I will stay as we need to talk.”
I went into the bathroom and scrubbed my teeth and took a really hot shower, I guess I knew he was right and we really did need to talk. And all I wanted was to know how I ended up in the passenger seat of my own car and cuffed, and I also had to figure out why I couldn’t remember a damn thing about it. I dressed and walked back into the room, Frase was still sat there patiently waiting and he’d even made me a coffee with smarties.
“Ray, please sit down.”
“Frase, the short version would be good as I’m up in a few hours.”
“As you wish, okay I believe that you’re suffering from a personality disorder.”
“Hey, what’s wrong with my personality.”
“Okay, I believe you suffer from multiple personality disorder…”
“Frase, ya can’t do that to me.”
“Well, you explain it then, Ray. Tell me about your night out and what you did, as I know what I saw and that wasn’t you.”
“I can’t remember anything so there’s no way I can explain it, look if you know something just tell me. Who was it out there, Frase, why are ya finding it hard to tell me?”
“Because you won’t like it, Ray.”
“Just fuckin tell me…”
“Have it your way, Ray. You go by the name of Stanley and you hang out in bars, you pick up men and they pay you to do certain things.”
“What the fuck…”
“Do you remember that first day we met, I called you Stanley and said I’d met you the night before…”
“Whoa, we are so not going there…”
“Ray, you have to accept that what I said is true.”
“You want me to believe that you and me… that we. Fuck I can’t even say it…”
“We had sex, Ray. And I was the one who wanted more. I’m trying to be honest here with you, Ray.”
“So ya tryin to say that I’m a fuckin whore, I whore myself and let men pay me to sleep with them?”
“I have no idea whether you sleep with them all, I only know what you did with me and what I saw, Ray.”
“For now, I want to forget about us and what ya claim happened.”
“I am sorry if the mere thought offends you, Ray.”
“Great, now I’ve pissed off the uptight Mountie.”
“Ray, I will leave if that’s what you want?”
“No, look I’m sorry and my mouth gets the better of me when I’m nervous. The thought of you and me doesn’t offend me, Frase. Hey I like ya, it’s just thinking about what could have happened and I know nothing about it.”
“I like you too, Ray.”
“Frase, that is so not helping right now.”
“Look I like ya a lot, but I need to sort out all this other crap that’s going on. It’s a lot to take in, just the thought of what I could be doing out there and knowing I’m a whore in my spare time.”
“Ray, there’s also one other thing.”
“Frase, I can’t deal with anything else tonight… Okay fine, spit it out as I need some sleep.”
“You seem to have a dislike for the police, you actually referred to them as a bunch of lousy pigs.”
“Shit, I just wanna wake up tomorrow and find out this was all a bad dream.”
“I wish I could tell you it was.”
“Frase, I still don’t really believe a word yer sayin, just so ya know.”
“I know, Ray. We can talk later as it’s getting rather late.”
“Frase, do ya wanna stay here and sleep on the couch.”
“I would like that, Ray”
“Just do me one thing though, Frase.”
“What would that be, Ray?”
“Just remember it’s me Ray your work partner in that bedroom, and not Stanley the whore.”
“Understood. Good night, Ray.”
I went into my bedroom and closed the door, then I lay there knowing I wouldn’t believe any of this without some solid proof. I just figured I blacked out and didn’t want to believe anything else, well other than the thought of the Mountie fucking me into oblivion that is.
I’d not expected the events of tonight and I’d need to make Ray see sense, but despite everything he was still talking to me and still liked me. He’d even said the thought of us together didn’t offend him and that pleased me far more than I could say, and he was even allowing me to sleep over as a friend. It was a close call tonight though and Ray could have ended up in a cell if I were not there, and then he would have lost his job along with everything that meant something to him.
I would have to persuade Ray to get some help before this went any farther, and maybe I could talk him into letting me hypnotize him so we could try and learn about Stanley and Ray’s other life. At the moment, all this was just ideas floating around inside my own head so I could keep Ray safe. Then my mind thought of Ray right now and where he was, well at least he was safe in bed and I would soon wake should he try leaving here. That made me feel somewhat better as I also was in need of sleep before morning came, I had work and also there could be many questions regarding Ray’s undercover work.
I lay down on the couch and made myself as comfortable as I could, which wasn’t easy when your over six foot tall. Not that I would want to be anywhere else right now, well other than in bed with Ray and I knew there was no chance of that after what he’d said. Remember it’s me Ray in that room and not Stanley, not that it mattered to me as Ray and Stanley where the same person and I was in love with him no matter what name he used.
Not that I should think like that with him so close, nor while we worked together as he’d said it wasn’t helping. Ha, not that Ray had to know about my private thoughts or what I dreamed about and that was why I closed my eyes and finally slept. I dreamt that I was back in that motel room and I had his body pressed against the wall and I still wanted more, then I spun him around and my mouth latched on to his warm lips. That was when I realized something wasn’t right and I became fully awake, then my eyes flew open to find a very naked Ray kissing me and I had to push him away.
“Hey that’s not buddies, come on Ben ya know ya want this.”
Suddenly Ray’s hand was working its way inside my boxers and I had to stop him from going any farther, especially as I was already hard from my dreams and his kiss. Then Ray grabbed hold of my erection and I reacted without even thinking, I was also rather rough as I grabbed his wandering hand and then shoved him so hard that he fell to the floor and just sat there looking at me.
“Ray, please go back to bed.”
“My name is Stanley, ya could at least call me by it.”
“As you wish, I still want you to go back to bed though, Stanley.”
“Yer no fun, do ya know that…”
I watched as Ray stormed off and went back into the bedroom and slammed the door behind him, now I had to keep telling myself that it was for the best and I couldn’t take advantage of Ray when he wasn’t even himself. And right now, sleep was far more important for both of us. Then I was drifting off to sleep once more when the screaming started and I presumed Ray was having a nightmare, I was off the couch in seconds and rushing to the bedroom.
Nothing had prepared me for what happened next, as I’d walked into the room to find the bed empty and that was when I heard a noise behind me and spun round. There stood Ray with a huge grin on his face, then he started walking towards me as I backed away from him until I could go no farther. My legs hit the bed and I ended up falling backwards onto it with Ray hovering above me, and then he was really fast as he grabbed my wrist and cuffed me to the headboard.
“Ray, please let me go.”
“Ray, I can’t let you do this when you’re not yourself, it’s morally wrong on every level.”
“I’m Stanley, also you’re not doing anything to me Ben.”
“What do you mean?”
“Yer gonna lay there, Ben and I’m going to do things to that gorgeous body of yours, and the best part is knowing ya can’t stop me.”
“Oh dear, Ray. You have to stop this, please, for me!”
“Be quiet, Ben or I might have ta gag ya.”
This was so wrong and there was nothing I could do to stop Ray, kicking out would only injure myself or Ray and that wasn’t acceptable. Then nothing mattered as his mouth found mine and he forced his tongue deep inside, and he then proceeded to kiss me with everything that he had until I could barely even think at all. And that was what Ray did, he kept me totally on edge and I was unable to barely speak a rational sentence. He knew exactly what he was doing to me and it made him even more alluring, and I wouldn’t have even thought that possible.
“Do ya like that, Ben?”
“Maybe I should move a bit lower, how would you like that, Ben?”
“You have to…oh god…”
“Yeah, my thoughts too…”
Ray moved even lower and pulled my tee shirt up, then within seconds he was sucking and biting one of my tender nipples. This was sheer torture, it was everything I’d wanted since that night I’d spent with Ray, and also everything was so wrong and my mind knew it shouldn’t be happening. Not that my protests got me anywhere at all, as Ray could play dirty and did so every time I tried to speak. Then all hope was gone as he moved even lower down my body and his mouth found my erection, Ray’s mouth was so talented and I was so desperate that it was going to be over in seconds, and I couldn’t even warn him I was coming. Then I heard Ray make some strange noise and I knew something was wrong, and then it was as if time had stood still and everything felt really off.
Something was wrong, and I mean really wrong. It was like coming out of a deep sleep and it took me a few seconds to realize where I was and what I was doing. And in some ways, I would have rather stayed asleep, especially as I realized what it was that I had in my mouth. Fuck, I knew what Fraser had told me about my nightly activities and thought it was a lie, and now here I was with a cock down my throat and a mouthful of come. It scared the hell out of me because this had never happened before, and this wasn’t me or something I went around doing.
I still forced myself to open my eyes and all I could see was naked skin, and it wasn’t as if I even knew who the hell I’d brought home with me when I was Stanley. Okay I was a big boy and could do this, chances are they’d leave straight away anyway if I was just some cheap whore. Great now I felt sick just thinking about what I’d done and what I did as Stanley. Well here goes nothing, I forced my eyes open and then fell backwards as I scrambled away from the naked body below me.
This really couldn’t be happening to me or get any worse than this, oh I was brave enough to look in the hopes I could get this over with. Kick them out and then I’d never have to see them again, yeah well that plan failed when I realized it was my partner that I’d just sucked off. That was why I moved as far away from the bed as possible and sat in the corner, I then brought my knees up and buried my face out of sight and away from Fraser.
“Ray, Ray, Ray, please talk to me.”
“Why the hell didn’t ya stop me, Frase?”
“Believe me, Ray, when I say I tried.”
“Yeah, sure as hell looks that way, Fraser.”
“Ray, in all fairness, you were the one that tricked me and cuffed me to the bed.”
I looked up towards Fraser and the bed and saw the cuffs, shit had I really done that to my own partner and friend? And then my eyes trailed down the bed and took in all the details that told me in a way what had happened. Fraser was the one restrained and I’d taken advantage of him, and that just made me feel even worse than I already did.
“Ray, talk to me.”
“What the hell can I say to make any of this right.”
“Look maybe you could remove the cuffs and we can take it from there.”
“Are ya gonna kick me in the head, Frase. I’ll understand if ya pissed off with me?”
“Ray, I have no intention whatsoever of hurting you. Now, please, if you don’t mind.”
I got up and grabbed my boxers off the floor so I could cover myself first, I then removed the cuffs and stepped back just in case Fraser really did want to clock me one. Not that I could blame him if that was what he wanted, instead he just pulled his underwear back up and sat down on the side of the bed.
“Ray, you really need to talk about this.”
“What’s to say, Frase? I felt like I was waking up and then I realized I was in the middle of giving someone a blow job, then I realized it was you and kinda freaked out.”
“So, you admit that you have a problem and need help, Ray.”
“Frase, ya need to admit that what I did to ya was wrong before we deal with all that.”
“I’m well aware that it shouldn’t have happened, Ray. However, I can’t change that and it’s not my fault that Stanley seems to rather like me.”
“Oh god, Stanley is me Frase, and your talkin as if he’s someone else.”
“Ha, so you’ve finally admitted that Stanley is you, Ray.”
“Sometimes I hate you, Frase. And it so not buddies to trick someone like that.”
“I’m just glad that you can still smile after all this, Ray.”
“Yeah, well in some ways I would rather it be you than some stranger.”
“Am I to take that as a compliment, Ray.”
“Take it however ya want, Frase.”
“A compliment it is then.”
“Jeez yer easy pleased, Frase.”
“When it’s from you, yes I am.”
“Frase, will ya do something for me?”
“I will do anything for you, Ray, well if it is within my power to do so that is.”
“I want ya to follow me next time I leave here at night, maybe take some picture so I can really know what I’m doing out there.”
“You mean like surveillance, Ray.”
“Yeah, just like that, as that would be greatness, Frase.”
“As you wish, Ray.”
Frase finally returned to the couch and I just put on a brave face when he was around, inside I still felt like I’d used him and it made me feel like crap. Then morning came and we had to work together, I could ask for a different partner if it was that hard to work with him and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Frase was my partner, and I’d come to trust and love him in such a short time. Shit then I realized what I was thinking and that had shocked me, well I couldn’t deny I loved him in some sort of brotherly way. You see I was really good at lying, and even better at lying to myself.
Fraser even installed an alarm that would notify him If I tried leaving my apartment, as he would have to sleep in my car every night until I decided to be Stanley once more. Well, there was no denying that the Mountie would do anything for me now, not that he had to wait long as the very next night I decided it was time to go out once more.
Just because I loved Ray and would do practically anything he asked if it was in his best interest, it didn’t mean I liked the things he wanted me to do. Tonight, was the first night he wanted me to spend sleeping in his car, and I just hoped I wouldn’t have to do it long term as it was far from comfortable. Then sleep was starting to claim me as the alarm signaled and told me that Ray was on the move, or should I say Stanley.
At first, I was hoping that it was Ray and that he was coming to check up on me, mainly because I didn’t like the idea of what Stanley was going to go out there and do. Also, I had no problem whatsoever admitting that I was jealous of the other men, despite Ray himself didn’t want me in that way. Then I saw the cab pull up and knew exactly who it was that had left the apartment, so now I would have to follow Ray and get him his proof so he’d get some help.
Ray went to the same bar he’d nearly got himself arrested in only the night before, and as soon as he entered, I realized why he’d come back here so soon. It turned out that Stanley was well known here and a lot of men approached him within minutes of entering, and it hurt so much to watch Ray like this. Oh, I loved the way he smiled and his laugh was so infectious, it was just the fact that he was doing it to a bunch of strangers who only wanted him for one thing.
Ray was worth so much more than this and I wanted to tell him that, where to him I was just another customer who wanted him for the same reason. If I had my way, Ray would be loved and made to realize he was a gorgeous man with a heart of gold and worthy of far better, then I was suddenly drawn even closer as I saw him grab someone’s hand and get up to go somewhere with them. I knew I was here to observe and nothing more, yet a part of me couldn’t stand back as Ray let himself be used like this.
“Hi Ben, whatcha doin here.”
“Looking for you, Stanley.”
“I’m with John here and will catch ya later, Ben.”
“Yeah, he’s with me and we have plans that don’t include you.”
“Play nice John, Ben is my friend and he first came to Chicago on the trail of the killers of his father, and for reasons that don’t need exploring at this juncture, he remained attached as liaison with the Canadian Consulate.”
“I’ll catch ya later, Ben.”
With that said Ray turned and walked off and I just stood there lost, deep down he was still Ray no matter how hard Stanley tried to take over. As Ray was the only one who would know why I was here and even recite it word for word, now I just had to find a way to get through to him.
I realized standing there wasn’t going to help anyone or stop Ray’s plans, the only way I could help him was by following and stopping him from doing the act he was about to perform. Ray had gone out the back way and was now in the alley on his knees, he even had his hands up and was starting to open the zip on the man’s jeans and I had to act fast and maybe even tell a small lie.
“Stanley, you might want to stop what you’re doing as the police are inside, and it’s only a matter of time before they come out here.”
“Jeez, thanks for letting me know.”
The other man moaned about how he couldn’t risk getting arrested yet again and fled within no time, then Ray turned and grabbed hold of my arm and held it tight.”
“Do ya fancy a freebie, Ben? I mean I’m here now and I might as well do something, also the pigs can’t do anything if I ain’t charging.”
“Not here, Stanley.”
“Yeah, yer too classy for that.”
“Don’t talk, look I promise I’ll make it good for ya. I’ll give ya whatever ya want, Ben.”
“If only…Please, my cars just over there.”
I walked towards the car praying that Ray would follow me as I wasn’t leaving without him, Then I just made it to the car when my body was slammed into the door, and I had to wonder if I were under attack. Suddenly I felt the lips on the back of my neck and his hands pulling at my jeans and trying to grope me through the cloth. Oh, it was an attack all right, Ray had moved to my ear now and was alternating between kisses and licking the back of my neck.
“Stanley, we really can’t do this here!”
“What is it with ya, Ben?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t follow…”
“Ya make me want to do stuff with ya that I don’t normally do with anyone, it’s like I want to claim you and make you mine. Do things to that gorgeous body of yours, hell and I’d even do it for free if ya let me.”
“Let’s just get out of here first, as I have ideas too.”
“Great, greatness, let’s go then.”
I couldn’t believe Ray was saying all those things about what he wanted to do, especially when I was expected to keep him at arm’s length and behave myself. I was a man after all, and that meant I only had a certain amount of restraint to begin with, and Ray was different and that made it all far harder. Even so, I managed to get Ray off me long enough to get into the car and drive back to his apartment. Then that all changed the minute we were inside and the door had closed, Ray was all over me, his hands were everywhere and he was kissing me as he pressed me up against the door.
“What do you want, Ben?”
“Hm, sounds good to me.”
“I’m just going to use the bathroom.”
With that Ray was gone, so I made the most of it and splashed some cold water on my face as I took a few deep breaths. I knew I couldn’t hide away in here though with Ray out there, also he’d perhaps get bored and come looking for me. My mind was made up and I walked back towards the bedroom and opened the door slowly, Ray was laid there on the bed and was now totally naked.
“Are ya okay there, Ben?”
“Yes, I’m okay. May I make a suggestion, Stanley.”
“Would you have any objects to me cuffing you to the bed?”
“I always thought you were kinky, Ben. So, what do ya want, do ya want to take advantage of me or maybe show me who’s in charge here.”
“Something like that, Ray.”
“Cool, yeah ya can cuff me as I trust ya.”
“Thank you kindly, Stanley.”
I walked over to the bed and realized this was sheer torture, and I just wished Ray would be like this too and then I wouldn’t have to suffer like this. Well, that wasn’t happening and I had to deal with the here and now so that Ray was safe. I took one slim wrist and cuffed it, I then put them through the headboard and cuffed his other wrist too. Now this was real torture for me and I couldn’t resist taking one more look at the body I might not get to see again, I also knew Ray’s mood was about to change and this would be torture for him too.
“What, where the hell are ya going?”
“To sleep on the couch.”
“Don’t ya dare walk outta that door…”
I turned and walked out without even looking back, mainly because I knew just how much he had trusted me and I’d hurt him by leaving him there. Stanley was rather angry and upset, but I had to keep telling myself that Ray would be happy I hadn’t taken advantage of him. The words followed and became far louder now, yet I had to ignore him for both our sake.
“This is so not buddies, Ben. Ya can’t just leave me here like this, I’m gonna fuckin kill ya when I get outta these. How can ya just leave me hanging like this, Ben?”
I lay on the couch and prayed he’d fall asleep so that I wouldn’t have to listen to him, I also wanted to pretend that he wasn’t in that room and on that bed naked as that was torture in itself. I wanted to go in there and show him how much I loved him and I just wanted him to be happy, yet that would be the equivalent of rape when it was something Ray didn’t want.
I’d gone to bed in my boxers and knew that Frase was looking out for me, yet I woke to find myself cuffed to the bed and I knew I must have given Frase a hard time last night. Even more so, when I noticed my clothes on the floor and I knew Stanley must have made himself known. Part of me wanted to call Frase and demand that he removes the cuffs, and then this other part of me was afraid to face him and see the disgust in his eyes. Then my bladder got the better of me and I was left with very little choice, thankfully Frase answered my call with seconds.
“Good morning, Ray.”
“Is it… just un cuff me, Frase.”
“As you wish, Ray.”
I pushed past Frase and went into the bathroom so I’d have a bit more time alone, then I had to go face the music as there was no way of getting out of this. Frase was sat on the couch and he’d made me a mug of coffee with chocolate, so I knew I had to be nice in return as he’d only done what I’d asked.
“Ray, please sit down.”
“Frase, tell me what I did…”
“Ray, I’m sorry but I stopped you before things got that far. I failed you as I couldn’t bring myself to do as you wanted, it was wrong to stand back and let you do that to yourself.”
“Hey, I’m not mad, Frase. It’s good to know that ya care about me, hell it’s not like anyone else does.
“You’re my friend, Ray and I love you.”
“Yeah, me too, Frase. Ya know, like symbolically or something….”
“Thank you kindly, Ray.”
“Frase, yer a freak.”
“As you say, I did some thinking though and have a suggestion you might want to hear.”
“I’m all ears, Frase.”
“I could hypnotize you, that way you could find out about Stanley and what he’s done, maybe without having to go out in search of answers.”
“Do ya think it might work.”
“Well, you would have nothing to lose, Ray.”
“Cool, so when could ya do it?”
“Well, it is Saturday and neither of us are at work… so I was thinking about after your coffee. Ray.”
“Yeah, that’s cool.”
“I would also like to record it for you, that way you will know exactly what was asked and also what you replied.”
Frase set up the tape and everything while I Sat there drinking my coffee, he then came over to me and said he was ready to begin. Frase would hypnotize me and if it worked I’d remember nothing until it was all over, then he would leave me alone so that I could listen to the tape by myself and learn what I’d said without any interruptions.
“Are you ready, Ray?”
“As ready as I’ll ever be.”
“I’m going to count backwards, Ray. Ten, nine, eight, seven…”
My head felt really light as I listened to his voice, well it wasn’t hard as I loved the way Frase talked and I could listen to him for hours, and had many times in the past. Then his voice was deeper and he sounded upset and I didn’t like that, also he was saying my name over and over again as if he’d called me a few times.
“It’s over, Ray.”
“How long was I out for?”
“Maybe ten minutes, I asked the relevant questions and that was all.”
“Cool, did I say much?”
“Please, listen to the tape and you will know what you said. I will leave you alone and come back later if that’s what you want.”
“Frase, can’t ya just stay?”
“I thought you might like some time alone?”
“Well, ya already know what I said.”
“Yes, and that’s what worries me, Ray.”
“As you wish, Ray.”
I rewound the tape and watched as Frase sat there looking rather nervous, well that was sure as hell making me wonder what I’d said, even more so when he sat back and closed his eyes. God, I knew I had to just get it over with for my own sanity, and then afterwards I could deal with Fraser and his problems. So, I hit play and listened as Fraser asked the questions and I answered.
“Ray, I need to know that you’re okay before I start.”
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Will you let me talk to Stanley, is he there, Ray.”
“Are you Stanley now?”
“Oh dear, where to start. Okay, I need to know how long you’ve… Stanley, how many men have you had sexual intercourse with? “
“Please be honest…”
“I’ve given half a dozen men blow jobs and that’s it.”
“You said there was one?”
“Why only him?”
“He was different and I wanted him as soon as I saw him.”
“Do you still feel that way?”
“Yeah, I think I’ve fallen in love with him.”
“Oh dear, Stanley why do you do what you do?”
“Because it’s all I’m worth, I don’t deserve anything better and I don’t deserve someone like Ben.”
I was fuckin screwed, I liked Frase, no I loved Frase. But sex with another man was something I didn’t want to think about right now, so my behavior was hurting Fraser so much as I could never give him what he wanted from me. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to listen to the rest, as what was the point when I already knew what I was and why I did what I did.
“I’m so sorry, Frase. Maybe you should request a new partner, as I can’t ever give ya the thing ya want from me. I love you, but in a different way and nothing will ever happen between us.”
“You’re my partner Ray and I won’t give that up, I will just have to accept what we have as I value your friendship too.”
I looked at Frase and knew this had gone on long enough, and there had to be a way to get rid of Stanley once and for all, I just didn’t know what that way was. I did know though that I couldn’t sit back and watch Frase suffer because I was a basket case and fucked in the head, and only I could have a fuckin whore as my alter ego.
That night I talked Ray into seeking professional help and it seemed to work, soon things calmed down and we became that duet that Ray claimed we were. It was hard keeping my feelings for him in order and I saw less of Ray outside work, now maybe just once or twice a week I would go over to his and order pizza. The treatment also appeared to be working and Stanley had stayed away for some time, well that I knew of that is.
Ray could be really stubborn at times and would sulk if I brought it up, he even claimed that Stanley was gone for good and that he had his head on straight now and I believed him. Well, that was until the day he turned up at the Consulate and fell to his knees screaming my name, there was just something about Ray that made me realize Stanley was still there inside him and possibly wanted to come out.
At first, I thought Ray was just scared and worried, yet he was so calm and accepting when I cuffed him and it was as if he were used to it. Then I cleaned the cut on his forehead and his breathing changed, I was far from stupid and knew straight away that Ray was turned on right now. And I never even knew if Ray had learnt to keep Stanley hidden and now had some control, either way was good with me and I was thankful he never made a full appearance. My mental state was rather fragile right now and I was afraid of myself, that and what I might do if he were to appear.
I’d only got Ray to talk about his counselling once and he didn’t say much, despite the fact I found some of it rather enlightening. The specialist believed Ray was questioning his own sexuality after his divorce, and creating Stanley meant he didn’t have to think about himself and his possible attraction towards men. According to Ray it only happened about once a month, he would wake up disorientated and he had to scrub his teeth clean because of the taste in his mouth. Back then he thought it was all in his head and just some fucked up dream, and then I came along and everything changed.
The specialist believed that Stanley fell in love with me and that’s why he started appearing far more, and that made me wonder how Ray was keeping him hidden now. Ray denied everything as usual, yet even under hypnosis Stanley had claimed to want me and it broke my heart. Knowing somewhere deep down inside he wanted me, and also knowing it was something Ray would never admit to.
We still managed to work well together and the weeks turned into months, and I was starting to think that times like this were the worst and best times for me. We’d just spent the night doing surveillance and that meant sitting in a car for hours on end with Ray, it was nice because it was just the two of us and I got to watch him when he wasn’t looking. Then there was the other side too, as it meant I had to spend so many hours so close and breathing in his unique scent without losing control.
I was well aware that Ray had a meeting not long after the surveillance was over, so I agreed to go with him and wait in the car until his session was over. Then afterwards, the two of us would go somewhere and get some breakfast along with a much needed coffee for Ray. Even so, Dief has other ideas and I realize that he’s remained in the back of the car for many hours now, I knew Ray would be gone for over half an hour and that was ample time to stretch my legs and let Dief out.
Straight away he ran around the building and started barking, and I was just thankful that it was a friendly bark and I wouldn’t have to deal with any more stress. Then the view in front of me made me take back my words, and just maybe this was going to be a rather stressful day after all. The building had a small wall around the back that was just out of sight, and there on the wall sat Ray looking rather annoyed with Dief.”
“Stupid wolf, Dief go away before Frase comes looking for ya and finds me.”
“Just say what ya have to say and leave me alone, Frase.”
“How long, Ray?”
“How long have you been avoiding your meetings with the councilor?”
“You do not get to do that, Frase. This has nothing to do with ya at all.”
“You’re my partner, Ray. And as you well know, I am within my rights to know about anything that could affect my life or your own.”
“Fuck you, Frase.”
Suddenly Ray was up off the wall and stalking over towards me, then he was there right up in my face and I could see the anger radiating from him. Well, I couldn’t do much as there was a building just behind me, and then I had to wonder why I should back down anyway when this was a major concern that could affect us both. Then I stepped past Ray as I didn’t want to do this right here, oh and then he was really annoyed that I was ignoring him and he grabbed my jacket. Within seconds I spun around and shoved him face first against the wall, then memories of that night flooded my mind and it was Stanley that was pinned beneath me.
“Aw, are ya getting off on this, Frase…Does it turn you and make ya wanna fuck me?”
I knew Ray was pushing my buttons and that he wanted a reaction, I also knew that he expected me to step back and let him go once I realized what I was doing. Oh, I planned to let him go as we were out in public, but first I pushed up against him and whispered something into his ear. Two could play his game and I was the one with nothing to hide, so Ray would be the one to suffer for his little outburst and refusal to meet with the specialist.
“You naked, cuffed, and down on your knees would turn me on if you’re offering, Ray.”
“Fuck, I guess I asked for that one.”
“Yes, you did, you can drop me at the Consulate and I will see you tomorrow.”
“Ya don’t want breakfast, Frase?”
“No, I appear to have lost my appetite.”
The drive to the Consulate was made in silence, I had my own problems to take care of and for today Ray would have to deal with his own demons. I couldn’t be around him right now, my body wanted so much and having Ray that close was the worst form of torture possible. Well, especially considering I’d even called him Stanley and he knew what I was thinking about, and what I wanted to do to him. I couldn’t hide the fact that I was hard, and Ray was far from stupid and he would have felt my arousal too.
Whoa, things were really starting to get out of hand now, and especially if today was anything to go by. Shit Frase was my partner and he also happened to be male too, not that I’d managed to stop my own body reacting at the time or the images that popped into my head. And the images were rather detailed so that didn’t help, yeah images of me pinned against some wall and half naked while Frase… Oh god what the hell was I doing by trying to replay the images and remember what happened, all I could do was chalk it up to loneliness. Well it wasn’t as if anyone had touched me since Stella, well not that I could remember anyway. Waking up with my mouth around Fraser’s dick didn’t count and that wasn’t me, well it was but…
I had to give this train of thought up before it totally destroyed me, and maybe today I could just get drunk and forget about Fraser and work until tomorrow. So that was what I did, and it meant I could hide away from all the pain and the questions I knew would come soon enough. Because deep down Frase was right, the counselling was something that I had to do if I wanted to keep my job safe, along with my partner.
Everything could wait as I grabbed a glass and the bottle of unopened whiskey, then I changed my mind and put the glass back down on the side as I wouldn’t need it. This wasn’t a drink to relax myself, this was drinking to forget and right now I wanted nothing more. At first, the drink burnt my throat and I had to wonder if I could stomach it on an empty stomach, then each mouthful burnt even less and soon half of it was gone.
I had to get past this stage though as it hurt to think about Fraser, okay I had to get past the horny stage that always happened before I drank myself into oblivion. My mind was betraying me and I was soon thinking about what I’d been doing with Fraser and wondering what I might have done.
It was stupid drinking this much when I had work the next day and I knew it, even more so when I woke to find it was morning and my head felt like someone had taken a baseball bat to it. Well, it didn’t help that someone was pounding on my door and that someone was Fraser, shit and I would have to let him in before all my neighbors stated complaining at me. And then I remembered the state I was in and the empty whiskey on the floor, I opened the door and kept telling myself this was nothing to do with him and I was on my own time here.
“Good morning, Ray.”
“Are you feeling alright, Ray? Ah never mind…”
“Frase, just spit it out will ya as I ain’t got time for any shit today.”
“Drink doesn’t solve anything, Ray.”
“Frase, just shut the hell up will ya…”
“As you wish, Ray.”
Frase sat on the couch and actually remained quiet while I went to take a shower, all I had to do was make myself look fit for work without anyone asking me too many questions. That still left Frase though and he wasn’t talking, it was as if he were ignoring me and acting as if I weren’t even there.
So, the day progressed and I became more pissed off with every minute that passed, and Frase just became more stubborn and a mister know it all. All I got was, no Ray, not like that Ray, don’t do that Ray and it was really getting to me now. It was as if Fraser was better than me and I was worth nothing, well fuck him because I was good at my job if nothing else.
My mood wasn’t helped as I was hungover too and I knew it, also we had followed some suspect and now he’d drove down a fuckin alley and that meant we’d end up chasing him on foot. I was so not in the mood to deal with any of this shit today and yet I still ran, the suspect was a fast runner and soon he’d taken off in the direction of a park and that was bad for all concerned. Even more so when I pulled out my gun and realized my glasses were still in the fuckin G.T.O, and I knew I couldn’t risk the lives of the children and families that were nearby.
The man then pulled out his own gun and I knew this was gonna end badly one way or another, Frase was behind me and there was split second where I realized no one was near the suspect and I might just pull this off. I didn’t have anything to lose so I fired and the shots went wide, then everything happened in slow motion and it was all over. The man had opened fire and the bullet would have hit me if Fraser hadn’t pushed me out of the way and saved my life, Fraser who was now restraining the suspect and calling for back up.
I couldn’t believe how close I’d come and all I wanted to do was throw up, how the fuck could I have been so stupid and how the fuck could I keep doing this. I was fucked up and I knew this could have ended far worse, then Fraser spoke and brought me back to reality.
“That’s a good look, Ray.”
“Fuck you, Frase.”
Shit I realized I was kneeling with my head down, and then I remembered Frase had said it would turn him on and I knew why he was doing it. Frase was trying to get my head back to where it should be and for that I was thankful, well until I looked up at him and saw the blood. That was when I moved faster than I thought possible and was soon at his side, I then tried undoing his pants before I even realized what I was doing.
Everything had happened so fast and I’d realized that Ray was in the line of fire, and no way could I just stand there and let him get hit and maybe even die. Just the thought of losing the man I love disturbed me greatly and that was why I’d said what I had, Ray was falling apart and had realized he might have died and that was why I grounded him with my remark. The only down side was Ray looking up and then he’d noticed that I was bleeding, and at any other time I would have gladly let him rip my pants off.
“Ray, Ray, Ray…”
“Frase, yer bleeding.”
“Ray, it’s nothing more than a flesh wound. Could you please stop trying to undress me, Ray please listen to me?”
Just then, and to my relief I might add. A police car pulled up and the officer stepped out and walked over towards us, and that was when I remembered Ray and how he still had his hands on me.
“Ray, go wait in the car.”
“Do it now, Ray.”
“Bossy Mountie, ya always telling me what to do and it ain’t right.”
I watched as Ray walked off and was still mumbling to himself, he then got in to the car and slammed the door far harder than was necessary. And at least it didn’t take too long to explain everything to the officer about what had happened, I then explained to him that I would have to go to the hospital and would return to the station shortly. Soon I returned to the car and could see that Ray was sulking and wasn’t happy with the fact I’d sent him away, so the least I could do was go to the hospital to get checked out.
“Why ya gotta do that, Frase?”
“Do what, Ray?”
“Don’t do that, Frase, ya know exactly what I mean.”
“Ray, you were acting rather irrational and trying to undress me in public.”
“So, shoot me for being concerned… oh fuck, I didn’t mean that!”
“I know, Ray.”
We arrived at the hospital and Ray waited in the small waiting area, while I was led into a small cubicle and made to drop my pants and sit. Soon a doctor came along and assured me it would be okay and it would soon heal, I might just find it a bit sore for a few days. He then went on to explain what could have happened if it had hit me just a couple of inches farther inward, and that was something I really didn’t want to think about right now. Then again, suddenly I had a flash of inspiration and would use that information to make Ray feel guilty. And no, I wasn’t doing it to hurt him as I loved him far too much to do that.
I soon found Ray and we went back to the station and made a report, apparently Huey and Dewy were willing to deal with the interrogation so that we could go home and I could get some rest. I had other plans though and talked Ray into going back to his and ordering pizza, well it wasn’t hard as Ray was all up for it and seemed to agree with anything I wanted. That was good and I hoped it stayed that way, this was perhaps my final chance to get Ray to seek help once again. This was Ray though and he took me by surprise the very minute we walked into his apartment, he’d thrown his arms around me and now he was holding me close as he cried.
“Ray, Ray, Ray…”
“Please, try and calm down.”
“I’m so fuckin sorry, Frase.”
“I’m okay and the bullet missed all the major nerves and muscle, so I can still walk and it turned out better than it could have.”
“Whatcha mean, Frase. What did the doctor say to ya?”
“Ray, please sit down and then we can talk.”
Ray walked over to the couch like he was on death row and it was his final hour, and here I was about to make him feel even worse about himself and what he’d done. Well, I was doing it to protect him and that had to make it all right, because a world without Ray Kowalski wasn’t a world I wanted to be in.
“Frase, talk to me will ya.”
“The doctor said I was lucky, as another couple of inches would have hit a nerve and that would have changed everything.”
“I would have suffered nerve damage and it would make movement harder than normal.”
“Would ya have been able to walk, Frase?”
“Yes, Ray. Unfortunately, I would have had to resign though or subject myself to desk work only.”
“This is all my fault; I knew I shouldn’t have drunk so much…”
“Ray, the drink is not the problem.”
“You don’t have ta lie, Frase. I knew I shouldn’t have drunk and that I was still hung over.”
“I’m not lying, Ray. The problem came long before the drinking and you have to deal with that before one of us really gets hurt, that or ends up dead.”
I could see straight away that my words had hit home and Ray was rattled by them, now I just had to hope he would do something about his problem.
“So whatcha want me to do, Frase. Cos I never want to see ya get hurt like that again, and maybe next time it would teach me a lesson if ya didn’t step in the way.”
“Don’t ever say that, Ray. I love you and will never step back when you are faced with danger.”
“No, Ray. If you really want to make up for this you will see the specialist, go get help and deal with the problem head on while you can.”
“Yeah, okay. I just don’t understand how ya put up with me, Frase.”
“Because I love you, Ray. And I always will.”
I knew it was cruel to scare him like that, and in all honesty it wasn’t a lie. Both of our lives were at risk today and one of us could have died, I knew Ray loved me in his own way and it would have destroyed him if he had to live without me. So, it gave me a warm feeling knowing he would do this for me and that I was worth it, so maybe it was time I accepted he’d only be my best friend and never more than that.
I did as Frase asked because it was what he wanted and I know I owed him, personally I thought it was all a load of crap and it didn’t help. I’d even learnt to pad out the cuffs now so Frase wouldn’t ask too many questions, as every night I went to sleep cuffed in case Stanley decided to reappear. Sometimes I wondered if I’d ever be normal again, well as close as normal was when it came to me. The days dragged though, and I had to wonder if I was even getting any sleep on a night, or was Stanley keeping me awake without me even realizing it.
Well in the end I did the one thing I said I wouldn’t do, I turned to the drink again in the hopes it would help me sleep. Yeah, medicinal reasons are what I told myself it was for. I even thought about going out one night when I was alone and feeling lonely, then I thought why the hell not, as I was single and it couldn’t do any harm. I had a few drinks before I even left and hoped it would help me relax and chill out somewhat, as I hadn’t really done much socializing since Stella. Shit and then I thought about that other part of me, the part that could go out and pick up men and do certain things with them.
The bar was rather full and loud, not that I cared as long as it served alcohol. I couldn’t help but notice the dance floor and how everyone was dancing and having a good time, and I liked the thought of having a few more drinks and then maybe dancing too. So, I drank a couple more and I was actually really happy right now, not sober enough to care, but drunk enough to know my surroundings and what I was doing.
I guess that was why I was surprised when someone grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the dance floor, well not as surprised as I was when I realized it was a man that had hold of my hand. Dancing made me happy though and I was beyond caring either, turns out the man was actually really good at dancing and then that was when a slow song started playing. The man pulled me into his arms and held me against his body, and it felt strange as I was normally the one leading Stella when we danced. Not that I complained and then soon the dance was over, and then the man grabbed my hand once more and lead me from the dance floor towards a dark corner.
I never even had time to think as he shoved me up against the wall and kissed me, it was also a full on kiss too and he had his tongue shoved deep inside my mouth. Then I felt his hand start fumbling with the button on my jeans and I just stood there feeling lost, well that was until his hand slipped inside my boxers and he grabbed my cock hard. Part of me wanted him to stop as this was far from alright, yet another part of me really wanted to come as my cock reacted to what he was doing.
“You’re so fuckin hot, I don’t think you realize how long I’ve wanted to touch you.”
“Hmm, do you like that?”
“Shit, why are ya doing this?”
“You always give and never receive anything in return, don’t get me wrong here as I love the blow jobs. It’s just sometimes receiving and having someone touch you is good too Stanley.”
“Come for me, Stanley.”
“Get the fuck…”
Suddenly his mouth was over mine once more and I couldn’t even tell him to stop, my body already felt weak from all the alcohol and I was unable to push him off. Then my body became like jelly because of a totally different reason, the man had soon worked up a rhythm and I was coming all over his hand and my underwear. He then whispered in my ear and casually walked away, and all I wanted to do was get the hell out of here and go home.
“Till next time, Stanley. Oh, and that was on me and free of charge.”
I went home and tried to forget about what had happened, yet part of me couldn’t because I’d enjoyed it and I hadn’t cared either that it was a man. In some ways it made things more difficult between me and Fraser, I guess it was because part of me wanted him and part didn’t. There were times when my thoughts would drift elsewhere, there were even times when I wondered what it would feel like to have his hands on me and touching me.
Fuck, I really had to get my head out of the clouds and sort myself out. Then Fraser made me jump into that freezing lake and I was pissed off once more. It was the same all over again and it was okay for him to risk my life. I guess I finally snapped and despite myself, I did the one thing I said I would never do again. My fist had made contact with his face and I hadn’t restrained the punch at all, then I felt sick inside and it was as if I’d just lost everything that ever mattered to me.
I walked away and left him stood there all alone, I had to return to the station and get on with what still passed as my life. Yeah right, turned out I was getting offered a transfer, I could go back to my old name and wouldn’t have to be Vecchio anymore or even have a Mountie as my friend. That thought hurt far more than I expected and I knew that we couldn’t just end things like this as it would eat away at us both. So, my great plan was to go back to the lake with Fraser and get him to punch me so we were equal. I also planned to take the transfer in the hope of moving forward, and maybe going back to my old life wouldn’t be so bad after all.
I really didn’t want to take the transfer as I had too much to lose, at least here I still got to see Ray most days. Then again, maybe that was the problem and what was stopping me from moving on. I guess the decision was made for me though in the end, especially when I learnt that Ray was offered a transfer too and was actually planning to take it. First though, Ray had a plan to put some of the things right between us and that included me actually striking him and I didn’t think I could do it. I guess things happen for a reason and soon I was stood back beside the lake, the only difference now was that night had fallen and it was now dark.
“This is where it started, so this is where we'll end it.”
“All right. I was over there. . . I can't do this, Ray.”
“Look, you have to.”
“This is for good?”
“You put in your transfer, I'll put in mine. It's quits.”
“You're sure about this?”
“Do it. . . There. . . Done. . . Pleasure working with you. . . Come on, I'll give you a lift.”
“Shut it, Frase.”
I couldn’t believe that I’d just hit the man I loved and he wouldn’t even let me help him up, sometimes Ray could be so stubborn and there was no need for him to make me hit him back. And then he’d even agreed that this was for good, he would give me a lift back and then I wouldn’t see him again. Once in the car, I wanted to plead with him and even beg that he give us another chance, then that body had to fall on the car and the opportunity was lost for good, or so I thought.
The body caused mixed emotions, I never got to beg or plead my case with Ray, it did however open the opportunity to work on one more case together. Then it turned out to be a total nightmare and I was glad that the case was finally over, even if it meant having to lose Ray to keep him safe. We had a job to do and that was what we did, and everything was going okay until Ray got caught and then the ship was sinking.
I will never forget finding him there and cuffed as the ship started to sink, and I had fought with everything that I had to free him and get him out of there. Okay so Ray was rather bitchy at times and we argued, but he had his gun and I finally managed to get him free. Then worse was to come when I turned and saw him and in that split second, I realized that he was drowning, he was dying and I knew there and then that I didn’t want to live without him. So, I did the only thing I could, I placed my mouth over his and did all I could to breathe life back into him.
I couldn’t imagine a world without Ray in it, he was so full of life and I wanted him to carry on living, even if it meant him arguing with me again. And then Ray had panicked and wanted to know what I’d done to him, so I told him that I was saving his life and I would gladly do it again, I would still also love to do it without the water too. We’d worked well together once I learned to not question him all the time and show him that I trusted him, so we’d gone on nothing more than one of Ray’s hunches. I had trusted my partner and it was because of him that we were saved, that was when I’d realized that my father was also right too.
There was something about the way we worked together and it was something I’d never had before either. I mean I love Vecchio like a brother and we got on really well, with Ray it was different and I didn’t just mean because I was in love with him. As Ray would say, we’re a duet, there’s no ships like partnerships. And then there was the time he’d say, Duet, one two punch – you set em up and I knock em down. Ray could see the same as me when it came to our working partnership, and that was why we needed each other.
So, we’d both decided that we weren’t going to take our transfers either, we were already where we belonged and both of us knew we would never have a better partner no matter where we went. So, I had to be grateful for that and for what I had, as maybe it was the only partnership we would ever have together. Not that it could stop my mind from wandering at times, I sometimes wondered how Ray would be as a lover, especially if he put as much effort in as he did at a working partnership.
I already knew that Ray loved hard and that he was loyal once he gave his heart, Stella was a lucky woman and I knew Ray would have done anything for her too. I’d once thought I’d found true love with Victoria, then I learnt the hard way and it had cost me nearly everything that I held dear at the time. Despite everything, I couldn’t stop the feelings I had for Ray, and that was what scared me the most about staying in Chicago. Then Ray called me over and all my insecurities fled once more, and I knew I’d stay just to see that gorgeous smile upon his eager face.
Apparently, I was needed at the consulate and Ray had said he’d see me later, as we planned to get a pizza and maybe watch a game at his apartment to celebrate us remaining right where we are. The thought of spending the evening with him pleased me and I was sure I could control myself for a few hours, and it was times like this that I was thankful that I didn’t drink.
Me and Frase were good now and we were still partners too, and just to think I’d considered taking a transfer so that we could end this and go our separate ways. Deep down I knew that all of this had really made me think about everything and even re-evaluate a few things too, I didn’t want to lose Fraser and beyond that nothing mattered. The man had become a true friend and he was my life, and in such a short time he’d got deep under my skin.
Well, I now had a few hours and figured that would give me some time to do what I had to do, and one of those things was cleaning my apartment before Fraser came over. It didn’t have to be super clean or anything like that, yeah right, I didn’t want him to think I was a slob and I was trying to impress him. Frase came over a lot and had seen my place at its worst, yet here I was behaving like someone who wanted him as my lover.
Shit what the hell was I thinking and where had that come from, part of me wanted Fraser to love me and want only me. I just couldn’t decide if that love meant as friends only, and I figured nearly losing Frase was making me confused about everything. Maybe after a few days everything would settle down and I’d know what I wanted., that or I’d just pretend nothing mattered and I’d try to avoid thinking about Fraser and what I wanted from him.
It didn’t take me too long to clean the place, and then I even managed to get a shower and change with plenty of time to spare. That just meant I had more time to think though and that was something I didn’t want to do, then I realized I could go grab some beers for later and even drive over to the consulate to collect Fraser. I pull up and find him stood on the steps waiting for me, and that’s when I realize just how attractive he really is. Frasers stood there in his jeans and black leather jacket and my body likes what it sees, straight away I realize that I’m getting hard and it seems to be happening a lot lately.
It makes me wonder if the specialist is right and I’m just trying to hide what I really want, I mean I ‘m a cop after all and they don’t take to kindly to gays or even men who are bisexual. Sometimes I hate life and it confuses the hell out of me, not that I have time to think as Frase is opening the passenger door and getting in the car.
“No Dief tonight, Frase?”
“No, Turnbull offered to watch him and Dief was in no hurry to follow me either.”
“Are ya in his bad books, Frase?”
“It would appear so, Ray. Well, I’m sure we’ll have a fine evening regardless and it will be his loss.”
“I take it ya never mentioned pizza then?”
“No, Ray. Diefenbaker can survive one day without junk food, that was what caused all of this to start with.”
“No, his fixation for junk food, he wanted donuts and I refused.”
“Poor Dief, ya know he won’t get over it anytime soon.”
“I am well aware that he will make me suffer, I refuse to give in so he will have to deal with it.”
“Hmm, yer one hell of a bossy Mountie, Frase.”
“I’m only bossy when the need arises, Ray.”
“Hey, ya boss me around a lot.”
“Yes, because you ask for it at times.”
“What do ya mean by that, Frase?”
“You risk your life too much, oh and sometimes you never know when to shut up.”
“Hey, that’s not true.”
“Ray, there are many times when I just want to cuff you so you can’t run off, and maybe shove something in that mouth of yours just so I can think.”
“Whoa, are ya into bondage or something, Frase?”
Fraser was sat staring out of the window as he spoke, and then his head whipped around fast to face me, and that was when I realized just what I’d said. Hmm, Fraser has wanted me from the day he met me as Stanley, and here I am talking about bondage.
“What would you do if I said yes, Ray?”
“Shit, I don’t know. Ya don’t mean it anyway, Frase.”
“How would you know that?”
“Cos yer so perfect and proper, and ya don’t think about things like that…”
“Ray, I will have you know that I’m human and also a man. So, yes I would love to have you cuffed to the bed and gagged while I had some fun with you.”
“I’m sorry, Ray. Please accept my apologizes, I shouldn’t wind you up as it cruel and totally uncalled for.”
“Yeah, look I’ll promise to behave if ya agree to behave too.”
Fraser kept his word and behaved, yet the images were already planted in my mind now and I couldn’t forget what Frase had said he wanted to do. Hmm and neither could my cock and my jeans were rather tight now, also my body seemed to like the idea of a kinky Fraser that’s into bondage. We finally reached my apartment and I ordered the food; I even opened a beer as my nerves were on edge now and I needed something to calm me down. Frase was lucky that I didn’t have some vodka as that would have worked far faster, and Fraser might find that it’s me Ray molesting him and not Stanley.
I had to admit that it was a good evening though, the drink made me merry and we had plenty of laughs too. And I realized it was good to have company and not be alone all the time, I’d lived with Stella for many years and I liked having someone here at the end of the day, but that was the past and I’d gone undercover because I was alone and I didn’t have anyone special.
That was when my eyes wandered over towards Fraser, and now I was wondering what it would be like to come home together every night and have him in my bed. Shit, things were okay until that ship and Fraser had kissed me, or whatever it was he called it. Buddy breathing that was it, yet to me it felt like kissing and my mind still thinks he kissed me and that’s what triggered all of this. Part of me wanted to feel his mouth once more, to have him kiss me on dry land so I could really taste him. Shit, maybe I was drunk after all and it was time to call it a night, and I even offered Frase the couch so I wouldn’t have to drive him home.
I had a rather fun night with Ray and I made the most of our time together, and he even relaxed despite my teasing him early on in the evening. Sometimes I look at him and I remember the man he was that first night, and that was why it had been stupid to say the things I had. Hmm, not that I’d say no to Ray cuffed and gagged. He had such an infectious smile and I wanted to see that side of him far more often, and I guess the drink had helped him relax too.
Ray had surprised me a couple of times though, especially when he came and sat really close to me on the couch, and at times our thighs even brushed together. Then the time he went to stand and struggled because he was somewhat tipsy, Ray had nearly fallen over and had pressed against my thigh as he tried to get up. Well, I had to admit that his touch was like electric and had gone straight to my groin, and I could still smell him on the couch.
Ray had asked me to stay and I’d agreed for two reasons, it was rather late and this way I also got to make sure that Ray really was okay. Oh, I knew that he claimed Stanley must have gone now, or I figured that could just be because Ray hid the apartment door key and cuffed himself most nights. I then had to wonder if he’d do that again tonight with me here, especially after last time he ended up cuffing me and woke in the middle of performing fellatio. God then I had to wonder why I was doing this to myself, I was literally torturing myself thinking about Ray in that bed and what I’d like to do to him. So, I knew the time had come to get some sleep and was just thankful there was no work tomorrow. As sleep was far from peaceful sleeping on the couch, and even worse once the nightmares started.
I was back on that ship once more and searching for Ray, and the ship was sinking fast despite my best efforts to locate him. Soon I would find him and realize that he was cuffed without any chance of escape, well until I managed to shoot the cuffs and release him. Ray couldn’t swim and he was really starting to panic as the water rose around us, even I was starting to question myself and whether we’d get off this ship or not.
Defeat wasn’t a word I liked using nor was it something I wanted to happen, yet I’d turned around to find Ray drowning before my very eyes as his body became lifeless. I tried so hard to force air into his lungs and I was starting to panic once more, he refused to breath at first and I thought I’d lost him, then he breathed and I was so relieved. I practically pulled him along by his clothes or anywhere that I could get hold of until we could stop.
Ray would have to travel under water for some distance and I knew he would struggle, and then suddenly he had his foot caught and I was struggling to cut him loose and time was against us. Then I looked up and realized he wasn’t breathing once more, and I did everything I could to force air into his lungs. Ray couldn’t leave me, not like this as I couldn’t imagine a world without him. Once more I covered his mouth and tried again, then I woke up screaming when his eyes remained closed and I knew I’d lost him for good.
I lay on the couch until I’d controlled my breathing, only then did I move and go into the bathroom to wash my face. The dream had felt so real along with the pain in my chest, it was even hard trying to convince myself that it didn’t happen, I’d given Ray air and I’d managed to get off the ship with him alive. It was even Ray that had saved us in that submersible, so he wasn’t dead because I also would be if he was.
I was tired and felt so confused, and I also knew there was only one way to settle this so I could sleep once more. I worked my way towards the bedroom door and opened it as slow as I possibly could, straight away I saw the figure on the bed and was compelled to move closer. Ray was fast asleep and he looked so innocent when he was like this, so relaxed and he was quiet for a change. I then noticed the cuffs hung there empty, he must have felt safe with me here and that made me feel all warm inside.
I do believe I was losing it and getting soft in my old age, then one look at Ray made me realize that I didn’t care. I loved him with my whole heart and just wanted to touch his warm lips and know he was safe, my finger reached out and I brushed it against his cheek first and then his lips.
“Love ya, Frase.”
I pulled my hand away fast and just stood there watching him, not that it took me long to realize he was still fast asleep and he was just dreaming. Hmm, that made me wonder what sort of dream he was having right now, especially as he claimed to love me. Well, it wasn’t a lie; Ray had even claimed that he loved me in a symbolic way. Then Ray became somewhat agitated and started moaning in his sleep, and I had to get even closer so that I could hear what he was saying.
“Ya admit I’m right, Frase, or I’ll pop ya in the head.”
It looked like Ray was arguing with me even in his sleep, then he started kicking out and the sheet slipped from his body and I was lost. It would appear that Ray slept naked despite knowing I was in the next room, then I remembered Stanley and how he was naked the night he came into the room. Maybe it was time I left him alone and went back into the room, there was far less temptation out there and also, I would have to stay awake this time. The last thing I wanted to do was deal with Ray naked, well unless it was truly Ray and I got to touch him. So, I backed out of the bedroom and returned to the couch, and this time I remained awake despite the fact I was physically and mentally exhausted from all the recent events.
I’d gone into the bedroom and just sat down on the bed for a while, I guess I was thinking about everything and also what Fraser had said earlier. The guy could be so prim and proper at times, and then other times he scared the hell out of me with the way he thinks. Well, it’s not every day that your partner tells you he’d like to cuff and gag you, hmm, that made me wonder if it pissed Fraser off when I talked a lot, not that it would change though. I’d always talked a lot right from saying my first words, my parents were always telling me to be quiet and stop getting so worked up all the time.
I wondered if a day would come when I could ask Frase about me and why he liked me, I mean I wasn’t nothing special and he was the one with the looks and not me. I’d soon learnt that as Fraser’s partner, the man could have anyone he wanted without even trying. So that still left that unanswered question, why the hell me? I had nothing to offer a man like Fraser, and then there was that other side of me that made me even more of a freak than Fraser was.
So, this was just fuckin great and I’d just use one excuse after another, first I’m not good enough, and then I’m fucked in the head. I guess that’s why this whole other identity pissed me off so much, turns out that Stanley isn’t slow at coming forward and has no problem around men at all. He was who I wanted to be despite me denying it all the time, oh I could talk the talk and that was where it ended. And then there was Fraser, a man who was unlike anyone I’d ever met before and chances are wouldn’t ever again.
I finally got up off the bed and removed all of my clothes, I then took a good long look at myself in the mirror as I tried to figure out what Fraser saw in me. I was skinny and looked underfed, yet he claimed that I was gorgeous and that he loved me. I also had a tendency to piss most people of within minutes of knowing them, yet Fraser had been drawn to Stanley straight away and had even wanted to see him again. I guess that confused me too, did Fraser see us as someone different.
Then there was the whole sex thing, I’d warmed to the idea that men turned me on, hell that night in the bar proved that. It was the actual act that scared the hell out of me, and I’d already let Fraser do it and I couldn’t even remember it because it was Stanley and not me. See it was all fucked up and I was overthinking and that just made me tired, that was when I finally climbed into bed and called it a night.
Sleep wasn’t coming anytime soon despite how tired I was, my mind refused to switch off and knowing Fraser was out there didn’t help. I could have used the cuffs to make sure I stayed put, but last time I’d woke and my wrists were a mess and it would raise too many questions. I gathered that Stanley hadn’t liked the idea of the cuffs, especially as he had no idea where the key was. Then I told myself once more that Stanley was me and I just forgot about those times, yeah we were one and it was obvious that I wanted Fraser no matter who the hell I claimed to be. Sleep finally came and I dreamt that I was back in that club with that man’s hand down my jeans, and then suddenly it was Fraser that was groping me and had me pinned to the wall as he kissed me. Maybe I really was a slut after all as I couldn’t get enough of him, then it changed and now I was stretched out on the bed with my hands cuffed above my head, and Fraser was doing wonderful things with that mouth of his.
Fraser had my cock deep down his throat and was sucking like there was no tomorrow, and then his other hand was playing with my balls as he searched for what was hidden behind. God, then suddenly I was coming and my whole body throbbed with the release, and then my eyes flew open and I realized it was all a dream. Well, maybe not all as I’d just come from my dream alone. Shit, I was way too old to be having wet dreams this good.
I lay here wide awake now and I felt good, not that I was going to the bathroom just yet. I wanted to enjoy my dream and how my body felt as I thought about Frase and what I wanted, okay I was slow at times but I usually got there in the end and that was all that mattered. That was why I forced myself to move and go into the bathroom, I just wanted to clean myself up a bit as Fraser would smell me a mile away and he’d know what I’d done. Funny how I suddenly wanted to impress him and act like it all mattered, truth was it did matter and I’d cared about what he thought right from day one.
I was just about to return to the bedroom when I had other ideas, I could lie to myself and Fraser all I wanted, it just meant I’d end up alone and would never have what I wanted. So, I braced myself mentally and was ready to tell him how I felt, I walked into the room and then walked straight over to the couch and knelt down. I had no idea where the hell to start, and they do say actions speak louder than words. I slipped my hand into Fraser's pants and started jerking him off, maybe this way he’d realize that I wasn’t scared or confused anymore and I wanted this as much as he does.
I tried so hard to remain awake, not that it had happened though and the exhaustion had finally caught up with me. Now I was dreaming of Ray and we were lovers in bed together, I had him and refused to let him go now, and it wasn’t as if he wanted to go anyway. Ray was using his hand on my erection and it felt so good to be touched and wanted in that way by him, then suddenly my brain registered that something was wrong and this had to stop right now.
My eyes flew open and I saw Ray knelt beside the couch with his eyes closed, I then woke enough to realize what he was doing and that I wasn’t dreaming after all. Ray was this gorgeous sensual creature and it felt so good having his hand do what it was doing to me, that was when I also realized that this was Stanley and that it was wrong. So, without thinking, I grabbed his hand and pulled it away from my erection, then I shoved Ray as hard as I could away from me. He slammed against the coffee table and even cried out in pain, yet I never even bothered to see if he was alright.
I grabbed all of my clothes and boots and then headed for the bathroom, and then I had to take a few minutes to stop shaking before I could do anything else. I just wanted to get dressed and get out of here, I also wanted some time alone so that I could think about all of this as it was a mess. Finally, I managed to dress and then took a look at myself in the mirror, thankfully my erection was now gone and I looked relatively normal once more. Not that I wanted to face Ray or even talk to him for that matter, the plan was to grab my hat and then head back to the consulate.
Ray was still sat on the floor right where I’d left him, he had his knees pulled up with his arms across them, and his head was buried in his arms. Ray hadn’t even moved to dress and I could see the mark on his back where it had impacted with the table, I could also tell that he was crying and trying to remain silent as he did so. Ray’s body shook and I wanted to tell him everything would be okay, yet I couldn’t even do that as I knew it could be a lie. I also wanted to hold him and get him to calm down, but I couldn’t bring myself to touch him while he was Stanley.
Ray was my best friend and I walked out without saying a word, I left him there with no one to help him through this and I hated myself for it. I also wondered if he’d still be sat there or even wonder where I went when he becomes Ray once more, and maybe I should have at least left him a note or something explaining my actions better. Well it was too late now as I walked back to the place I lived, the place I could no longer bring myself to call home. Deep down I wanted a normal life with someone to love, and then I had to fall for a man that could never be mine.
Now I sat in my office and thought about Ray and the problems he was having, also how he must have lied about Stanley and the fact he no longer came. I could have just laid there and let him carry on with what he was doing, but I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did that. I couldn’t love the man he became and have sex with them, then see Ray everyday and pretend he was someone else. They were the same person to me and I couldn’t use Ray when he was unaware of his actions, also I wanted him for far more than the obvious too.
I’d met Stanley and I loved how energetic and alive he was and yes, the sex was great. Ray though was a different matter, I loved him and all his ways too. I could live with his friendship alone if that was all he could give me, I loved Ray Vecchio as a friend too, yet there was something different about Ray Kowalski and I’d never met anyone like him before. Hmm, the very same man that I’d left to face everything alone, and I knew that he didn’t handle things too well when he had no one there for him.
Part of me was worried he’d call Stella and she’d just shout at him again, also there was the fact that it made me feel somewhat jealous. I hated how he always went running to her when he saw her, despite she could be downright nasty towards him at times. Ray was a man who needed someone to be whole, he was a good detective and remained so even after this illness. At any point he could have gone off the rails and walked away from his job, yet he fought for everything he wanted when it involved work or something he couldn’t have.
If Ray could have something or someone, he would question it and wonder why he could have them. The man thought so little of himself and couldn’t accept that someone might want him for himself, well I did want him for who he was. I didn’t want him to act like someone else, all I wanted was for Ray to be himself as that was the man I truly loved. I knew I was overthinking and everything was just getting mixed up now, not that anything mattered other than Ray and now my chest hurt because of what I’d done. Ray was alone because I was scared, and I couldn’t face him when he realized what he’d done to me his friend.
I’d thought I was doing the right thing by going out there and telling Fraser everything, and what a fuckin joke that was. Now I was sitting here in pain and he’d stormed off into the bathroom without even saying anything to me. Maybe I was the idiot for thinking this would work and that Fraser still wanted me. I suppose the things he’d said didn’t help either, maybe he had really wanted to gag me and cuff me because I annoy him all the time. He was my best friend though, and yet I sat here and felt like I was slowly losing him and would soon be alone. Then Fraser came out of the bathroom and I could feel his presence as he watched me, shit and here I sat naked on the floor and crying like a fuckin baby.
Frase will know how pathetic I really am now, and that was most probably the reason he left without even saying goodbye or that he’d see me on Monday. Fuck, how the hell could I go to work now and face him after all this, and we’d just sorted everything out and he’d still wanted to be my partner. It’s funny how things can change in such a short time and how it’s normally because of me, well okay maybe it’s not funny as in funny ha ha.
I sat there and thought about my whole sorry fucked up life, and after a while I realized something and came to a conclusion. I hated myself and now I couldn’t even blame everything on my stupid personality disorder, as I hadn’t lied to Fraser and Stanley hardly ever came anymore. So, I hated myself and I also hated everything in my life right now. That meant I didn’t want to go back to the precinct either, as I’d have to be Vecchio and I couldn’t do that without Fraser as my friend. Well, he was supposed to be Vecchio’s best friend after all, and I knew Fraser wouldn’t want to work with me after all this.
Hmm, then there was Benton Fraser himself, a man I no longer wanted to work with or even see anymore. And no, it wasn’t because I hated him or anything like that, I loved him and couldn’t cope with him looking at me like I was nothing at all. So, I guess that left just one question when it came down to it, and that was what was the point of carrying on and feeling like this?
I guess this was the story of my life, all that time that Fraser had wanted me and I’d turned him away and claimed it wasn’t what I wanted. Well I guess what goes around comes around and I really deserve this, and now I knew exactly how Fraser felt. Yeah right, at least he still had me as his friend and partner, and all I get is nothing, zero, zilch. Frase walked out on me without a care in the world, it was as if the thought of me touching him disgusted him.
I looked at the clock and realized the night was long gone and it was now morning, and that was what made me realize I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye to Fraser and telling him that I love him. I knew he would be up now as he was always up early, yeah it was normally me that found it hard to get out of bed on a morning. The phone rang a couple of times and I was about to hang up, then someone answered and I knew this could take some time.
“Canadian Consulate, Constable Turnbull speaking, how may I help you?”
“It’s Vecchio, is Fraser there?”
“Ah, good morning Detective Vecchio, I’m afraid I haven’t seen Constable Fraser this morning and it is still rather early after all.”
“Can ya go get him for me?”
“Hmm, well I’m not sure he would appreciate…”
“Turnbull, it’s urgent!”
“Please hold the line then and I will go see.”
Turnbull could be so annoying at times, not that I could talk though as I was no better. And all I wanted was to talk to Fraser one last time, and it wasn’t early for someone like Frase anyway. I was no good at waiting though and never have been, yet it felt like forever until Turnbull returned to the phone once more.
“I’m afraid that Constable Fraser is no longer in his office, it would appear that he has gone out to deal with something important, well that’s what the note says.”
“Does it say how long he’ll be gone?”
“Hmm, apparently he’ll be gone for most of the day, I’m sorry that I couldn’t be of more assistance, Detective Vecchio.”
“Actually, can ya do me a favor?”
“That would depend on what the favor is, Detective Vecchio.”
“Can ya just tell Fraser that I’m sorry for what I’m going to do, hell, just tell him I’m sorry for everything okay.”
“As you wish, Detective Vecchio.”
“Thanks, Turnbull. Yer a good man.”
I hung up before he could even answer me, I guess I was afraid he might start asking too many questions about Fraser and why I was apologizing. And it wasn’t how I’d wanted to say sorry, it seemed like the coward’s way out not saying it to his face, but I couldn’t wait for him to return. This was something I had to do and do now, I couldn’t wait as I might chicken out and change my mind. Then I thought about Monday morning if I didn’t do this, and just the thought made me feel sick and all alone.
I reached on to the coffee table and found my holster, I then pulled it onto the floor and took out my loaded gun and stared at it. The time had come to leave it all behind, leave this world so I wouldn’t have to live alone or face the mess I’d created. I had no idea how long I’d sat on the floor or just how many hours had passed, but my whole body ached now and all I had to do was pull the trigger.
The walk back helped me clear my head somewhat, I’d left Stanley sat on the apartment floor and had no idea what I would be walking back in to. Maybe he went to bed and Ray was still unaware of what happened and that I’d even left, and that was what made me decide to enter slow and as quiet as possible. At least that way Ray wouldn’t have to know or even get upset about what Stanley did, I gave Dief the order to remain silent as I opened the apartment door as slow as possible.
The room was still semi dark and the curtains were still closed, yet even in the shadows I could see Ray sat on the floor with his head down. And I couldn’t even tell if he was awake or asleep, all I knew was that he was still naked and it looked like he hadn’t even moved. That was why I went a bit father into the room and called his name so I didn’t scare him, also I wanted to know just who it was I was dealing with.
“Ray, Ray, Ray…Stanley is that you?”
“What the fuck do ya want, Frase. Can’t ya just go away and leave me the hell alone!”
“We need to talk, Ray.”
“I have nothing to say to ya, Frase… and ya made ya feelings clear enough when ya left.”
I edged closer into the room and that was when I saw the gun in his hand, and it was also when I realized I felt totally lost and had no idea when Ray had returned, yet this man knew what I’d said before I left and that worried me. Right now, my only concern was getting the gun away from him before he decided to use it.
“Talk to me, Ray. Tell me what you remember about last night.”
“Ya know what happened, Frase.”
“Just humor me then, Ray.”
“Why, ya proved that ya didn’t want me when ya shoved me into the coffee table.”
“That was Stanley, I would never do that to you, Ray.”
“Ray, can you at least put the gun down while we talk?”
“What’s it to you, Frase?”
I lost track of what Ray was saying as I watched Dief, he’d slowly worked his way into the room and had now sat down in front of Ray, he was also making a low whining noise. Dief could sense that Ray was upset and that was causing Dief some distress, he was also aware of the gun that Ray held and just what he was capable of doing with it. Dief liked Ray and trusted him, and that was how I knew he would do anything to stop Ray from injuring himself.
Ray had paid Dief no attention at all and seemed lost once more in his own world, his sight remained locked on the gun that he still held in his hand. I was well aware that one wrong move and Ray wouldn’t hesitate to use the gun on himself, I just had no idea how to reason with him and pull him out of the hole he was now in. Then everything was beyond my control as Dief stood up and edged closer to Ray, who hadn’t even noticed due to his fixation with the gun.
Then Dief moved fast and grabbed the arm that held the gun, I had no idea how much force he used but Ray yelped and the gun dropped from the long fingers that held it. At first, I was scared that Dief would get shot, or that he might really hurt Ray in his attempt to disarm him, neither turned out to be the case though as Ray finally snapped back from the place he’d gone to. His free arm had come up and suddenly it was buried in Dief’s fur, then suddenly his face was too and I could hear the sobbing from where I stood.
That was when I went over and picked up the gun and checked to see if it were loaded, and that was when the reality of it all hit me full on and I had to sit down on the couch. I felt sick knowing that I could have lost Ray because of what I’d done, especially as he claimed to be Ray and he knew what I’d said before leaving. And that meant just one thing, it was Ray all along and Ray who’d tried to molest me while I slept. So, did that mean that Ray actually wanted me in that way now that Stanley had truly gone and I didn’t have to hide my feelings around Ray. So many questions and very little answers, yet I was afraid to say too much at the moment in case it upset Ray even more than he already was.
I decided to go get a wet cloth for Ray, and maybe a blanket so he could cover himself up in case I’d got all of this wrong. I then walked back into the room and knelt down on the floor beside him, at first, he seemed unable to let go of Dief and I had to hold his hand and try talking to him without causing hm any distress. Dief didn’t seem to mind Ray making him wet and covering him with snot and tears, well I guess he knew Ray would make it up to him with junk food and plenty of donuts.
“I’ve got you, Ray. Come on let’s get you cleaned up shall we, and then maybe we can move to the couch as I’m too old to be sitting on the floor.”
“Yeah okay, Frase.”
That made me realize Ray had been sitting on the floor for hours and he really should get up, so I wiped his face with the cloth and he never even moaned at me once. And he still remained silent as I led him over to the couch and made him sit down, I then covered him with the blanket and sat down beside him.
“Ray, I need you to talk to me and tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”
“Shit, where the hell do I start.”
“How about last night and what happened, tell me about when you left the bedroom and what you wanted.”
“Just give me a minute, Frase.”
I sat there and let Ray pull himself together, I could see that he was struggling to work everything out and how to word it. I knew though that he had to do this himself, I had to know exactly what he was thinking and what he wanted from me.
I had no idea where the hell to start, especially after Fraser had shoved me away like I was nothing. Then I thought about what he’d said, and that it was Stanley he pushed and not me, and that he’d never do that to me. That made me wonder why he hadn’t questioned me as to how I knew he’d done it, as I never remember anything that happened when I was Stanley.
“Frase, it was me ya shoved into the table…”
“Ray, what are you talking about?”
“It was never Stanley; it was me right from the start. That’s how I know what happened, because it was me who came out of that bedroom, and it was me who wanted ya too.”
“Ray, how do you know it’s what you want, how do I even know you’re not still Stanley right now.”
“Frase, why are ya making this so hard for me?”
“Say you are Ray; did you like it when you found out about Stanley and what had happened to you?”
“No, of course not, but…”
“Ray, please hear me out. Only yesterday, you looked terrified when I’d mentioned cuffing you. Oh dear, how do I put this…”
“Frase, just cut the mumbo jumbo and spit it out will ya.”
“I couldn’t keep you both separate and it was wrong, I thought you were Stanley and I knew it would hurt you if something had happened. I couldn’t sleep with him and then see you as someone else, to see you every day knowing I couldn’t touch you. I love you Ray and I want you so much, but it has to be you as you’re still my partner and friend too.”
“For not taking advantage of me, can I ask ya somethin, Frase?”
“You can ask me anything, Ray.”
“How do ya know it’s me ya love and not Stanley, or was it both?”
“Ray, there was something about Stanley from the minute I met him, yet to him it was just sex and he couldn’t leave fast enough afterwards. I guess everything happened so fast, and then I saw you and you were him, but wasn’t at the same time. You had his looks and some of his ways, but you wanted me as far more. You wanted me as your partner and friend, and I valued that far more than sex, Ray.”
“Ray, I fell in love with you as a person, someone who had my back and would even risk their life to protect me. You have this energy that surrounds you and makes it hard not to like you, also you’re an extremely passionate man that loves with everything he has.”
“Frase, tell me about the night ya met Stanley.”
“You came over to me and I felt very lucky to have someone as good looking as you show interest in me, then we hit it off straight and I took him back to my place without even thinking about it. We were both turned on and everything moved really fast, so fast that we didn’t even make it to the bed. Then my whole world fell apart when I asked him to stay the night, he said it would cost far more and that was when I realized he was selling himself for money.”
“God, I’m so sorry, Frase.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Ray. You were totally unaware of the situation and I’d made it worse by telling him how I felt about him. I told him I believed in love at first sight, yet he told me relationships were bad for his health.”
“Maybe Stella still had some influence and it’s buried deep in my subconscious or something. Frase, ya do know that I’m not like that don’t ya?”
“Of course, I do.”
“So how would ya feel if I told ya I love ya, would it freak ya out, Frase.”
“You know it’s what I want more than anything, Ray. You still haven’t answered my question with regards to yesterday though.”
“Why you looked so terrified when I mentioned cuffing you, as with love must come trust, Ray. Could you trust me to do something like that, do you love me enough to know I would never intentionally hurt you?”
“I trust ya with my life, Frase, I just didn’t expect anything like that from ya.”
“Ah, I see. There are some things you would need to learn about me, well that’s if you want us to be lovers.”
“I’m a fast learner, Frase. So, hit me with it all, that way you can kiss me properly and without any water involved.”
“Understood, Ray. Well, you have to know that I love with all my heart and I won’t tolerate infidelity whatsoever, I can also be very jealous at times too, Ray.”
“Well, you know me, Frase. Ya also know that I’m faithful too.”
“Yes I do, Ray. It’s not you that worries me, I guess I’m afraid Stanley shows back up, I could become rather possessive Ray and not let you out on an evening. Well, just until we’re sure he’s gone for good.”
“I can live with that, Frase. Hell, ya can even tie me to the bed if ya want…”
“Very good, that leaves me with just one other matter…”
“Don’t keep me in suspense, Frase.”
“Well, I wasn’t actually joking about tying you to the bed…”
“So, what ya sayin, Frase? That yer kinky and into bondage?”
“Would that scare you, Ray.”
“Hell no, I think it’s good, greatness even.”
“So, would you like me to kiss you now?”
“Like you even have to ask.”
Fraser turned me towards him and suddenly those gorgeous lips found my own, and he was kissing me with so much passion and it was far more than I’d expected. Shit then images started flashing through my head, images of me under water and Fraser’s mouth upon my own, then images where he was slamming me into a wall while he fucked me hard. So, the Mountie really got off on being in control did he, well it was just as well I wanted him to tell me what to do as it turned me on.
I had Ray in my arms and it was him that wanted me, there would be no more pretending on my part every time I was with him. I could even smell the pheromones that were emitting from his gorgeous body and I wanted him so bad, and even my jeans were starting to become unbearable now.
“Frase, I need ya…”
“What do you need, Ray. Tell me what you want me to do and I will, you know that I would do anything for you.”
“I want ya to fuck me, Frase.”
I hadn’t planned my movements, but suddenly I was pulling away from him and then froze right where I sat. Ray had reacted straight away and I knew that look and just what he was thinking, then he clenched his fist and became really defensive when he next spoke to me.
“Fuck you, Frase, what’s with all the lies then and why all this?”
“No, I don’t want to hear it, ya made ya feelings pretty clear there buddy.”
“Ray, Ray, Ray…”
Ray really had a very short attention span when it came to listening to me, or should I say things that he didn’t want to hear. And now I could see the tears rolling down his face and it was too much; I’d waited so long and it would have to be my way as I had no intention of hurting him.
“Ray, you have to listen to me. I don’t want to…”
“Just spit it out, Frase. I’m not in the mood to deal with any of ya crap.”
“Fine, I don’t want to fuck you as you put it, because I want to make love to you!”
“You heard me, Ray. I want to make it feel good for you, and maybe later if your good we can use the cuffs and I’ll fuck you hard.”
“What did ya do with Frase, where’s the real Mountie gone…”
“I assure you I am the same Fraser you know, Ray. So, are you going to come with me so we can go in the bedroom and I can claim you as mine?”
“Been yours for a long time, Frase. Come on then up and at em.”
“Yes, we make a good duet, Ray.”
“Yeah a duet, one two punch – you set em up and I knock em down.”
“Bed, now, Ray.”
“Yer one hell of a pushy Mountie, Frase.”
“You haven’t seen the real me yet, Ray.”
I grabbed hold of his hand and pulled him to his feet and led him towards the bedroom, and getting him undressed would be easy as all he had was the blanket. Then to my amazement, Ray just dropped it on the floor and lay down on the bed naked. The man had no problem with himself in that respect and that pleased me, it was one less thing I’d have to worry about, and I just wanted this to go smoothly without him getting hurt. Soon I’d removed all my own clothes and then I went into the bathroom, I figured Ray must have something around here that I could use as lubricant, and then I had to give up and returned to the bed empty handed.
“Frase, whatcha doin?”
“I need some sort of lubricant, Ray. You must have some cream or something we can use, otherwise I might hurt you and that’s unacceptable.”
“Draw over there, Frase. There’s a full tube somewhere in there, now ya have no excuse so pitter patter, Frase.”
“Don’t look at me like that, Frase. It just appeared there one morning, I just hid it under everything and tried to forget about it.”
“I take it that it was Stanley?”
“Yeah, I guess so, are ya okay, Frase?”
I realized that I was just standing there and staring at the tube in my hand, and I realized this scared the hell out of me. This was Ray, my Ray and I didn’t want to lose him now. However, I knew that I had to say something before he got the wrong idea, I also knew that we’d have to have words later about his over reacting all the time.
“I’m fine, thank you kindly. Ray.”
“Yeah, I guess this isn’t yer first time with me is it?”
“Oh, Ray. Don’t ever feel jealous of what happened in the past, and don’t ever think I see this as the same because I don’t.
“It’s okay and I know it’s different for ya cos ya already did it with me.”
“Ray, I did it with Stanley and it was just sex, this is different. I want to make love to you and make you want to be with me. Stanley walked out afterwards and I had to accept that, as far as I was concerned it was over. I fell in love with you and now I have so much to lose if this goes wrong. So yes, it is like the first time, Ray.”
“I’m already honored to call you my partner and friend, I’d also be honored to call you my lover too.”
“I like the sound of that, Frase, my very own Mountie as a boyfriend.”
“Hmm, we will need to discuss some things later, Ray. First though, I have big plans for you and that means less talking.”
“Do ya want me to turn over or somethin, Frase.”
“No, you’re perfect just as you are…”
I knelt on the bed and lent over him as I took his mouth once more, then I gently forced his lips to part as I shoved my tongue deep inside his warm mouth. I loved Ray so much and I wanted him to realize just what he truly meant to me, and then there was what he did to me too and how he made me feel. After sometime, I moved lower down until my mouth found something else to kiss and suck on, Ray’s nipples were so soft and I couldn’t help myself as I nipped gently at them.
“Jeez, Frase… shit this is gonna be over real soon if ya keep that up.”
“Hey, it’s not my fault that you’re so gorgeous and so sexy when you’re turned on like this.”
“Frase, ya got me so ya don’t need to go overboard with the complimints.”
“Compliments, Ray. And yes I do, because it’s the truth and you are gorgeous.”
I decided to work my mouth lower and soon I had his cock deep down my throat, and it didn’t take long to have him so far on edge he would have agreed to anything I said. Even so, we would be having that talk and this time he would listen. Part of me wanted to go out and beat the person that had made him feel this way, as Ray believed that he was unworthy of any attention or love and that was far from acceptable in my book.
I couldn’t believe how close I’d come to ending it all, and now here I was in my own bed with Fraser and it was fuckin amazing. Who’d have thought the Mountie would have such a talented mouth and hands that were everywhere, and I was glad too that he had a thing for licking everything including me. And right now, that talented mouth was working overtime on my cock, Frase was doing things to me that no one else had ever done in all my thirty odd years and then it stopped.
“Frase, don’t leave me hanging like this…”
“Relax, Ray. As I’m not going anywhere or leaving you hanging, just the opposite actually.”
“Ray, I will gag you if you can’t be quiet.”
“Hmm, that would just turn me on even more, Frase.”
“Well in that case, that will be duly noted for next time.”
Great, just thinking about that really was turning me on and I was becoming really desperate now, the thought of my own prim and proper Mountie that was into bondage. Oh god, and then I was suddenly brought back to reality as he shoved a finger deep inside my ass. I could feel him as he stretched me and then pulled out before replacing his finger with two, Frase did something and I nearly jumped up from the bed as the pleasure coursed through my body.
“I take it you liked that, Ray?”
“Hmm, whatcha say…”
“Never mind, I can see that you’re not up to talking right now.”
That had felt fuckin amazing and I wanted Fraser to do it again, and here he was trying to have some sort of conversation with me. Well, it wasn’t happening as he’d just turned my brains too mush and I couldn’t think straight. I could barely even think at all. Then he pulled his hand away and I wanted to cry with frustration, so I was greedy and just wanted more and everything that he could give me.
“Frase, I already told ya that I have no patience…”
“I am going to make love to you, Ray. Next time though will be totally different, as I plan to give you a few lessons in patience.”
“Yeah whatever…Holy fuck!”
Frase had pulled my legs up over his shoulders and was knelt between my legs. Then his thick cock was slowly sliding its way into my tight body and I wanted it all, and one look at Frase was all it took to make me relax more. Hell, I could see the love he had for me and it was the most amazing sight ever and I felt more wanted than ever before. The feeling as he fucked me hard made me realize just what I could have missed out on, and it wasn’t just the sex I was thinking about. I could have missed out on all of this and the chance to have love once more.
I could see why I’d created Stanley too, I guess I really was trying to kid myself and hide how I truly felt and what I wanted. So, I’d gone without while Stanley was out there having all the fun, yet even Stanley had only ever let the Mountie fuck him too. At this rate I really would need to see a specialist, especially as I couldn’t even sort out my own fucked up brain.
Oh, way to go Kowalski, Fraser was making love to me and I was trying to figure out why the hell he would want me. Then I fell apart and everything happened at once, I came and it was so powerful that it knocked me for six, and then the tears came too. Frase came inside me and then pulled out without saying anything, and I just prayed he was too far gone to even notice. Then he rolled off me and held me tight in his arms, yeah right, this was Fraser after all and he never missed a damn thing at times.
“Ray, talk to me, I need you to tell me if I hurt you.”
“Ray, please. I love you and I want to help.”
“I love ya too, Frase, I just don’t get why ya love me?”
“Oh Ray, there are so many reasons and it would take a while to list them all, not that you would believe anything I said and you have to stop doing that. You are worth far more than you believe and I intend to show you how much you are worth.”
“Ray, I’m in this long term. I’ve already told you that I’m honored to have you as my lover.”
“I’m honored to call you my friend, partner and lover too Frase.”
“Good, now get some sleep as you’ll need it.”
“Frase, did ya really mean it about the cuffs and teaching me stuff?”
“Very much so, Ray. I can’t wait to have you at my mercy.”
Fraser kept his word and the next few months were to become extremely busy, well between work and the lessons Frase was teaching me that is. I spent many an evening cuffed to my bed while he taught me how to be patient, and it didn’t help that Frase was good at it and could keep me on the edge for hours on end. Not that I’d change what I had for the world; Stanley had finally disappeared after I’d admitted what it was, I truly wanted. Love is love, and I’d nearly thrown it all away because I didn’t want to admit to myself that I liked men too, and for that I am truly grateful of Stanley.
Walking Along the Fine Edge of Reason