Chapter Text
Hans sets his acoustic guitar on the stand next to him and pulls out a beaten-up moleskine notebook. He looks at the rest of his brothers and sisters in Christ and smiles gratefully, "Before we close out tonight's study, we're going to go around the room and take prayer requests."
Everyone inside Hillside Church's youth room smiles and nods, except for Anna, who's both grateful and dreading her place at the end of the circle of chairs. Hans would be asking for her prayer request last, which gave her time to come up with something to say. Something safe. Something neutral.
Something that would keep her from revealing her terrible, disgusting secret.
"I've got my swim meet tomorrow," Ariel says, hoping that sitting next to Hans during these Bible studies will finally get him to notice her. "I'm just hoping that I can set a new PR, I don't think I'm good enough yet to place."
Clearly, she wants Hans to say something- compliment her- but it's the girl sitting next to her, Ella, who remarks, "I'm sure you're much better than you think you are. As for me, uh, things at home are kinda rough. Especially with my step sisters. So if I can get some prayer for that, I'd be really grateful."
Anna relates all too well with that feeling. Family problems, sister problems especially. Except she feels guilty for even thinking that Elsa is a problem, when in reality it's herself that should carry that label. She was the problem child, the one who just...couldn't be normal.
Hans finishes what he's writing in his notebook, and looks at the reserved guy in the corner of the room, sitting on a school chair that no one can see past his wide frame. "Sully, what about you?"
"Oh, is it my turn?" He asks with a voice so deep, you'd be forgiven for not thinking he's still a highschooler. "I guess uh...I'm on the worship team this weekend. So I'm hoping I can keep up with everyone. I don't want to miss any notes or something like that, you know?"
"Please, you're the best bassist in town," Eugene interjects. "You're gonna kill it."
Sully smiles gratefully at him, and then shrinks back into himself. An oxymoron if there ever was one.
That leaves only two other people before it's Anna's turn, and she's yet to think of anything. Maybe she could...no. No one would understand, even she barely understands why her heart has to feel the way it does. And a Bible study full of people she's only kinda friends with at school- save for Hans who's a college graduate- isn't the time and place to unveil her sickness.
Even Rapunzel, the girl next to say her prayer request and the only one she is truly friends with in this room, doesn't know what's going on. And Anna doesn't want to tell her due to the completely rational fear that she might lose the only friend she has. Even as Rapunzel looks at her and mouths 'You okay?', all Anna can do is stay straight-faced and nod.
When Hans says her name, Rapunzel brings her attention back to the group and turns her personality back on. Her smile brightens the room and she intertwines her hand with the guy sitting next to her, the aforementioned Eugene. "Well, in honor of our one-month anniversary, Eugene and I are starting a devotional together on dating. It's really exciting for the both of us, and I'm hoping for support and love during this new step in our relationship."
"Of course," Hans replies with a smile of his own. Less bright, but just as genuine. "I'm really happy for you two, and I'm so glad Eugene could finally join us tonight."
Anna is happy for Rapunzel too, but the sin of envy creeps inside her skin as well. Not because of Eugene- he seems nice, even if he doesn't look all too keen on spending his Wednesday night at a Bible study- but because Rapunzel found someone she wanted to be with. Someone she was...allowed to be with.
The constant battle between her heart and her faith have affected Anna physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The words of Jeremiah 17:9 stay burned into her mind, reminding her time and time again that her heart is deceiving her. And yet, she can't keep her feelings down. It feels like the more she tries to repress them, deny them, the stronger they become. This conflict manifested inside her through sleepless nights, impure thoughts, and massive amounts of anxiety.
And she knew they were about to get worse, because tomorrow she'll be back.
The twisted, ever present object of her heart. The unbiblical, unnatural source of her affection and affliction. Gone for three months on a mission trip to Ghana, and her plane is arriving tomorrow at 9:21 AM.
Anna wonders if that should be what she asks for prayer about, but just speaking her name might cause her to react in a way that would raise suspicion. So, that was off the table.
At least Eugene still needs to go before she's called on. Hans loves getting prayer requests from new members, he sees it as a way of being formally welcomed into the Bible study family. Anna figures she still has maybe a minute or so to herself, but all Eugene says is "Same as Rapunzel".
And now there's no time left.
Hans nods and turns towards Anna, she swears she can see his smile grow just a little more as he asks, "What about you, Anna? How can we as a study- as a family- support you this week?"
The walls have already closed in so much around her, and the eyes and faces that turn towards her don't do anything to remedy it. And the thought of tomorrow makes her spiral down even faster.
But Anna knows that an answer is still expected from her, and amidst the inner turmoil she decides on one word to utter.
"Unspoken."
It's a prayer request used to signify that there's something going on, something that you can't talk about but need help in overcoming. And what's a greater obstacle to overcome than this? Even if it opens her up to be the subject of many lines of gossip, Anna can't think of anything else to say. So, she accepts it.
And when Hans leads the prayer to close out the night, Anna's quick to leave before anyone asks her anything. She even blows off Rapunzel, which causes the guilt in her to worsen.
Anna looks at the time on her dashboard: 9:21 PM.
She turns on her radio to hopefully drown out her thoughts just for a little bit, hoping for twenty or so minutes of reprieve. But when a worship song from last Sunday begins to play, she's reminded of a line in it that all too aptly describes her trouble. Tomorrow, in twelve hours, the old is made new. Old feelings and troubles will be made new once again.
She'll be at school when the plane arrives from Ghana, but when she gets back home there won't be any more escape from her thoughts. Her emotions. Her heart. Her constantly tested faith. Because tomorrow, Elsa was coming back home. Her older sister. Her best friend.
And the woman she's deeply and disgracefully in love with.
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9)
Chapter Text
Being at school is turning out to be pointless, Anna can't focus on anything to save her life. Anything productive, at least.
When 9:21 AM hits, all she can think about is Elsa getting off her plane, hurrying out of the terminal, getting her luggage off the conveyor belt, embracing their parents at the entrance. She has to be home now, and as the day went on all of Anna's thoughts revolved around Elsa.
While she was working with her partner in Physics, was Elsa unpacking and putting away her clothes?
While she was running laps in PE, was Elsa taking a nap in her bed while her chill playlist played through her Bluetooth speaker?
While she was failing her New Testament Studies quiz, was Elsa eating through the box of Pop-Tarts Anna bought her as a welcome back gift?
It...isn't healthy. Then again, not a lot of her thoughts and feelings towards her older sister are healthy. And it's only a matter of time that her internal struggle would grab the attention of a certain someone.
"Something's wrong," Rapunzel says during their lunch hour. "Come on Anna, talk to me."
Anna stops picking at her carrots and tries her best to smile at her concerned friend, "Oh, am I acting weird? Sorry about that."
"What? No, don't apologize. Just…tell me what's going on." Rapunzel reached her hand across the table to keep Anna's attention away from her carrots. "You know I'll understand."
No she won't.
Who can understand the feeling of being attracted to your own sister? And worse yet, a girl being attracted to her own sister. It's a topic rarely talked about by anyone at her church and school, but all that she's learned points to her feelings being wrong. Her entire life Anna's been raised to be this wonderful child of God meant for great things in His name, and she believes that with all her heart. But then her heart started wanting this, and other things that she was taught not to want.
And Anna's heard the stories, heard what happens to those in the church who revel in their impurity and sin. She knows what happens to those who continued to partake in the desires of the flesh. A life of shame, gossip, and in some cases excommunication. It's a life she didn't wish upon her family or herself, so she keeps these thoughts and feelings to herself.
Hoping that one day they would just...go away.
But it's been six months and nothing's changed except for the pain. It grew with each passing day.
Maybe Rapunzel won't understand her secret, but Anna feels like she needs to tell her something. She's always been nothing but supportive for her, and right now Anna desperately needs someone to confide in. She wouldn't give her friend the whole truth, just something to test the waters.
"Have you ever...wanted something you knew you couldn't have?"
Rapunzel nods as if everything's coming together in her head. "All the time," she says sympathetically. "And that's okay, Anna. That's what it means to be human, but you know that we have the strength to overcome that."
Anna can sense the words of 2 Timothy 1:7 on the tip of Rapunzel's tongue, and she's grateful that she doesn't say them out loud. Despite her studies and fascination with the Bible, she's always had this strange pet peeve about people reciting verses to her. Her next question is a little more cautious, "But have you ever wanted something that you've always been told was wrong to want?"
Rapunzel clicks her tongue, "Ah, I think I know where you're going with this."
A brief panic washes over Anna, wondering how Rapunzel can be this deductive. Or maybe Anna is just that transparent.
But it turns out that Rapunzel's conclusion is far from being correct. "Anna, you know our church isn't like a cult, right? It's perfectly fine for you to feel...physically attracted to guys. We're eighteen-years-old, we go to an all-girls high school, it's perfectly natural at this time in our lives to feel those urges!"
Oh, this was a mistake. Just a minute ago, she was almost relieved at the idea of getting some advice and support from Rapunzel, and now she just wants her to stop talking. Her face is warm and redder than the cherry tomatoes on her plate, and when Rapunzel starts talking about the thoughts she has when she's with Eugene, it fills her with an uncomfortable amount of uncomfort. Anna puts her hands against her ears and groans, "Gah okay stop! Just stop."
She sees the word 'sorry' come out of her guilty friend's mouth.
"You're fine," Anna replies as she places her hands back on the table.
"But does that help any?"
"Not really. I'm sorry, I just...ugh," Anna rests her head against the table, cushioning it with her arms. "I guess this is something I'm gonna have to figure out by myself."
"But you won't be by yourself," Rapunzel explains. And Anna hopes a little too much that Rapunzel will say that she'll help her through this and figure out the root of her problem and get rid of it. Instead, she just says, "You have God! He's always with you."
Yeah...he is.
It's 3:24 PM, the moment that Anna's been dreading and excited for is finally here.
She parks her car in the driveway and can't help but smirk at the 'Welcome Home!' banner that her parents set up on the front porch for Elsa. She unlocks the front door and is greeted by an unexpected quiet before realizing that her parents probably went back to work after picking her sister up from the airport. There would be more than enough time to catch up when they went out for dinner tonight.
But Anna knows that Elsa's here.
She can feel it, and also her shoes are by the front door. The blue Converse high-tops are more worn down than they were three months ago, and there's dirt on them that'll probably never come off. Anna takes off her shoes and places them next to Elsa's. Once she makes her way up the stairs, she bites the bullet and goes straight for her sister's room. Even if a part of her also wants to take her backpack off her shoulders and lie down for a second, the need to see her sister overrides everything. As sickening as that need might be…
After a long, deep breath, Anna knocks on her door in the same way she's always done since they were kids. But there's no answer. She waits a few seconds more and does the knock again, but still there's no answer.
Perhaps her timeline is a little bit off and Elsa is still sleeping. It wouldn't be totally out of character for her sister, she always tended to take long naps. But this meant their reunion would have to be put on hold for just a little bit longer, which was both a relief and disappointment to her.
And then Anna feels something poke at her side, and her soul momentarily leaves her body. "Holy-!" she exclaims. She turns around to see what just happened.
And there she is.
Elsa.
Her platinum blonde hair falls perfectly down her shoulders and back, she's got on her typical home attire of a light-blue shirt and gray shorts, and the tan she got from being south of the Equator suits her far too well. She's beautiful, always has been, and when she smiles and says "Hi", Anna's heart starts pounding out of her chest.
"Elsa! Don't scare me like that!" Anna says a little too loudly so as to drown out the screaming in her head.
Elsa giggles, and it seems to quicken her heart rate even more, "I'm sorry, you know I couldn't resist."
"I swear if I have a heart attack, you're paying for my funeral."
"Oh, you'll be okay." But as Elsa closes the distance between them, lays her arms across her sister's shoulders and embraces her, Anna knows for sure that she won't be. Especially once Elsa tightens her embrace and whispers, "I missed you."
Anna hates that this feels wrong now, she hates the thought invading her mind that she doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve to be missed by a sister that she has twisted feelings for. She doesn't deserve to be held in a warm, comforting embrace. She doesn't deserve to be considered one of God's children- loved and chosen by Him- when he knows what's going on inside her heart right now.
She doesn't deserve to hold Elsa so tight, but she does it anyway. She doesn't deserve to whisper back "I missed you", but she does that too. Because she's home, and she loves her.
And this might be the last good memory she has with her sister before everything falls apart.
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)
Notes:
A/N: I think the world needs a little more confident Elsa and anxiety-riddled Anna. Also, thank you for the support on the first chapter.
Chapter Text
Every time her family wants to celebrate an Elsa accomplishment, they always go to this cheap steakhouse five minutes from home. It's the kind of place that serves unlimited dinner rolls, plays the same five modern country songs, and has the employees sing and give a slice of cake to anyone on their birthday.
Her parents assumed that it was Elsa's favorite restaurant since that's where she always chose to go. But Anna knew that she only chose this place because it was cheap, they didn't have to drive too far, and they didn't need to dress all fancy-like.
Yet even in jeans and her old Hillside Youth Group t-shirt, Elsa looks amazing. Anna went with jeans and a pink flannel with the sleeves rolled up, reveling in the freedom of not having to dress up in her uniform or any church-related clothing. It's comfortable and safe, even if it makes her feel like she's back in middle school- where she only wore flannels.
When they've finished ordering, their mother claps her hands together and says excitedly, "Okay, tell us everything."
During their time alone in the house, Elsa unpacked and told her everything about living in Ghana, the water pumps and shelters they built, and the lessons she was able to teach the young ladies there. So, Anna already knows every detail, and she feels bad that Elsa has to tell the whole story again. Although, knowing Elsa, she'd gladly talk about her passions all day if she could. Anna does her best to listen because her sister looks so excited to retell the story, but her mind keeps drifting back to their embrace. How good it felt, how wrong it felt. How much she couldn't wait to hold her again.
It doesn't help that Elsa is sitting on her side of the booth.
She's trying, though, to just be her sister. This moment- this night- was for Elsa, and Anna would never forgive herself if she let her own emotions ruin that in any way. She smiles and nods during the retelling, keeps her mouth shut unless she's asked a question, and says "Amen" after their father leads the prayer once their food makes it to the table.
Everything's going fine until their mother starts talking about Anna's future.
"This is going to be so wonderful, our two little girls will be going to the same school again," she coos. "Anna, you've already sent in your application to St. Joseph's, right?"
Anna nods, "I sent it last week."
"Perfect! That means they should be getting back to you soon. And Elsa's going to talk to the Housing Department to make sure you're both in the same dorm."
Oh.
Oh that's not good.
Anna almost chokes on her water when her mother hits her with that bit of news. She feels Elsa's hand on her back and the concerned looks of her family. When she composes herself, she says, "Sorry, water went down the wrong pipe. Did...I don't remember us talking about that. Living together, I mean."
"We brought it up with Elsa today when we were driving back," her father explains.
She looks at her sister who has an apologetic grin on her face, "I...may have forgotten to tell you about that."
Her father, the straightforward and no-nonsense man that he is, explains, "It'll save us some money having you two staying in one room. And Elsa's been there for three years now, so she can help you adjust to college life." It's fascinating watching her father casually eat his steak and not noticing the glass shattering between Anna's ears.
She couldn't change the fact that she was going to be on the same campus as Elsa, but living in the freshmen dorms would mean she'd at least have some time to herself if needed. And now that safety net is gone. Being at home with Elsa already proves she can't temper her feelings for her sister if they're under the same roof. And the dorm set-up meant technically they'll be sharing a room for the first time since they were in elementary school. Same roof, same room, beds ten feet apart. Anna can already see herself going insane.
Well, she thought, maybe her parents suggested this and Elsa said yes because it's easier than arguing with them. Anna asks her sister, "You're okay with this? You'll be a senior, you can live in an apartment. I doubt you'll want to live around a bunch of freshmen in your last year."
"RA's do it all the time. And besides…" Elsa bites her lip and shrugs, "It was kinda my idea."
Anna blinks, "What?"
Elsa frowns, "Anna, ever since I went off to college, I haven't really been there for you. I mean I come home on breaks and you call me all the time, but it's not the same as me being physically there- er, here. We get one year together in college, and I want to be there for you to make up for that lost time."
Their mother says "Aww". It doesn't help.
Elsa, though, picks up that something might be wrong. Although that's probably obvious when Anna doesn't look as excited as everyone else at the table. "Look, nothing's official," she says, pointing at Anna with her fork. "And there's a chance the Housing Department might not go for it. But if they say yes, then we can talk about it some more. Okay?"
She places her hand on top of Anna's and squeezes it. And that definitely doesn't help.
Saying that they can 'talk more about it' is just something to ease Anna's nerves for the time being. She knows the decision was made before dinner, and either she went along with it or cause too much of a stir for nothing. Except it's not nothing, at least for Anna.
And maybe this would be easier to protest if she hated Elsa, or if Elsa was a terrible sister. But neither of those are true, Elsa's the best sister anyone could ask for. This problem is a burden that Anna has to carry and deal with alone.
She gets a little bit of reprieve when their mother changes the subject again, "Oh Elsa, how are things with that boy you're seeing? Adam, right?"
Again, this is something that Anna already knows about. But it'll be interesting what she says to their parents.
"Ah...uh yeah...we broke up. Well, I broke up with him."
She wisely omits the fact that she broke up with him the day before she left for her mission trip. Their parents' reactions are as expected: their father sits stoically, nodding while he plans his response behind his eyes, and their mother lets out an audible gasp and looks like Elsa's just offended her.
"But why?" Their mother asks. "He was such a nice boy, and you two made each other so happy."
Elsa frowns, "Yeah well it turns out he was making other girls 'happy' too." When she prods her chicken with a fork, Anna wonders if she's envisioning doing the same thing to Adam.
The good news, though, is that their mother takes Elsa's side easily. "Ugh, so disappointing," she remarks with a frown of her own.
"That would explain why he's stopped coming to the Men's Group," their dad interjects. "It really is disappointing to see the lack of faithfulness in young men these days. After all we teach them about being loyal and honest to their women, it's like it goes in one ear and right out the other."
Anna bites her tongue to keep from remarking about how that's been a problem for generations.
"It's okay though, I'm already over it," Elsa says. Which isn't entirely true, considering that she told Anna how jealous she was over her not being so hung up on boys and relationships. The irony of that statement isn't lost on her. "Next time will be different, but for now I'm just going to focus on my studies and get through the rest of the year."
Those words stay with Anna, with hopes that maybe she can do the same.
"And how about you, Anna? Have you found someone you're interested in?"
It feels like the ground crumbles underneath Anna as their mother's question hits her. And she wishes that she can keep falling so she can end up anywhere else that isn't here. Sitting in the booth of a steakhouse, sweating through her flannel from the bright overhead lights like this is some interrogation. What can she say that will sound satisfying enough to them? Or mostly their mom, as it seems like their dad has gone back to focusing on his steak. What can she say that won't hurt her?
Well, she doesn't have to say anything it seems. Because Elsa saves her.
"Mother, I think we've talked enough about relationships for one night. Besides, I want to tell you about this little girl I met in Ghana."
Just like that their mother's attention is turned back towards Elsa, and Anna can breathe again. For now, at least. But this kind of question will come up again, this kind of talk is going to happen again. And next time Elsa may not be there to save her.
When they get back from the steakhouse, Anna politely but hurriedly walks straight up to her room. The dinner was almost too much for her to handle, and she really needs a moment to herself. With a definitive yet gentle closing of her door, she finally feels the quiet she's been aching for all night.
This is so...stupid. Six months ago, she was this bright, talkative girl with an older sister she looked up to and admired, and a future set in stone. Now, she can't even remember the last time she had a genuine conversation with anyone that wasn't said older sister. Who, yes, she still looked up to, but that admiration had mutated. And as for her future? Well there's nothing she can really do about that now.
She dresses back down into sweatpants and an old shirt, and even though she doesn't need to go to sleep for another couple of hours, she wants to lay in bed anyway. Lay in bed and close her eyes so she can shut the world out. Shut out the string of lights with the pictures of her childhood clipped onto them. Shut out the Bible verses stickied onto her full-body mirror. Shut out the present Elsa got her from Ghana that she's yet to open. Shut out everything.
But she doesn't get a lot of time to do that. A few minutes later, she hears a knock, their knock, on her door. And she says softly, "Come in." She can't- no, she won't shut Elsa out no matter what.
Her door opens and closes, and Elsa walks over to her bed and lays right next to her. Anna gives her one of her pillows to lay her head on, and they both look up at the ceiling fan. She's dressed and ready for bed too, in the same outfit she was wearing earlier that day.
Neither of them says anything at first, there's a strange feeling of both content and apprehensiveness between them. At least that's what it feels like to Anna, letting more anxiety in when she wonders how Elsa's feeling. After maybe a minute, Elsa is the first to speak.
"You don't have to tell me what's wrong if you don't want to. Just know that I'm here for you."
For now. Those are the implicated words. Anna knows that she won't be home forever, just until after Christmas Break. And then she'll be at Saint John's for the rest of the semester and won't be home until Anna's graduation. But she's here now and, as messed up as it sounds, if there's anyone that she can really talk to about this, it's her sister.
Except if she speaks, she may no longer have a sister. So Anna just nods and says, "I know."
"I love you. You know that, right?"
All too much. And it hurts that those words hurt. She can't take them in like a normal sister should anymore. They're like a knife in her gut that Anna's twisting to make the pain worse, and when she looks over to Elsa, she's got this genuine, heartwarming... heart-wrenching smile on her face. And she twists the knife even more when she replies, "I love you too."
It comforts Elsa. She came here to comfort her little sister and instead she's the one that gets the reassurance. When Elsa turns away from her, looking back at the ceiling, she asks, "Do you want me to go?"
Anna thinks for a second and goes against her instinct.
"...no."
Notes:
A/N: Final fic submission of 2020. Maybe, idk I might get bored on New Year's Eve and fuck around and do a one-shot. Who knows? How'd the year treat, y'all? I hope you found at least one bright spot in this dumpster fire on rusty wheels. As always, stay safe and we'll get through this together, and the angst is just beginning for our poor Anna here.
Chapter 4
Notes:
A/N: I've decided to start putting relevant Bible verses at the end of any chapters that have them (thanks to a helpful review on AO3). Not trying to be preachy, just making sure you know I'm not pulling verses out of my ass.
Chapter Text
The trouble began six months ago.
St. Joseph's is only a two-hour drive from their house, so even though the physical distance lingers, Elsa and Anna never felt that far away from each other. Especially since they always had their Sunday brunch to look forward to. Any time Elsa isn't busy with schoolwork and Anna didn't need to volunteer for the preschool ministry, they would always meet each other halfway at this nice, cozy diner called Oaken's Hearth and Home. Anna always ordered a ham and cheese omelette, Elsa always ordered a monte cristo. And they would catch up on anything and everything, even if they'd last seen each other merely a week ago.
"What was your sermon about this week?" Anna asked on this particular Sunday brunch.
Elsa placed her utensils neatly on her finished plate and wiped her mouth with a cloth napkin. By the time they got to the diner they were both usually starving, so they made a rule to not talk about anything until after they ate. With the mouth-stuffing and water-drinking out of the way, Anna could finally get to the Elsa-talking, her favorite part of brunch. "It was about the danger of coveting money and stuff, and how we should only store our treasures in heaven," she replied.
"Book of Matthew," Anna added proudly, remembering the stack of notes she had about the Sermon on the Mount.
"Mmhmm." Elsa leaned back in her chair and smirked, "Funny how the pastor's started a series on generosity a week after talking about needing money to renovate the church's coffee bar."
"Ugh, that's the worst," Anna grumbled. "I really don't understand why you keep going to that church, Elsa. It just...I don't know, the place doesn't sit right with me."
Elsa nodded soberly, "Yeah, I feel the same way. Look, once I do my mission trip then I'll find somewhere else to go. But right now they're sponsoring me to go and Ghana's too good of an opportunity to pass up."
Anna's all too used to her sister's need to never inconvenience anyone, but she still frowns at her reasoning. "You know Hillside would help you if you asked. Pastor Tom loves you."
Elsa shook her head, "I haven't been a regular there for, what, four years? I can't take that kind of opportunity from someone else. Besides, once I sell a few more snowmen I'll hit my fundraising goal."
One of her older sister's humble yet incredible talents was her ability as an artist. Whenever Anna got bored, she would flip through Elsa's sketchbooks she left in her room, admiring her intricate designs and feelings of wonder and calmness that her winter motif brought. In order to match the amount of money her church was offering for her mission trip, she was selling sketches of personalized snowmen that looked like their patrons. Anna had one of her own, except it looked more like the snowmen they used to build when they were kids. They named him Olaf. Elsa wouldn't accept her payment, so Anna snuck it in her wallet when she wasn't looking.
"Well...I trust you," Anna said. "I just don't want you stuck somewhere you don't wanna be."
"Right now, I'm exactly where I want to be." Elsa tapped the tip of Anna's nose and smiled. "And that's with you."
Suppressing the sudden urge to sneeze, Anna stuck her tongue out and said, "Blegh. What kind of weirdo likes hanging out with their sister all the time?"
"Oh please, you love hanging out with me too. How many times have you left a voicemail on my phone saying…" Elsa placed her phone to her ear and spoke using her best Anna impression. "Elsaaaaaa, I miss youuuuuu!"
Anna gasped, her cheeks immediately turning red, "I do not sound like that!"
Elsa grinned, "I've been working on my Anna impression for years, you definitely sound like that."
"Ugh, well fine then I guess I'll stop sending you voicemails. Maybe I'll just stop talking to you altogether."
"You wouldn't do that."
"Yeah you're right, I'd never do that," Anna responded, stubbornly admitting defeat.
"So, what'd Tom talk about this week?" Elsa asked, bringing them back to the original subject.
Anna was quick to reply. Every time she was deeply interested by a sermon, she couldn't wait to tell Elsa about it. "About love. We've been doing a four-week series on the different kinds of love and today he talked about the romantic kind. We'll be talking about agape love next week."
"A series on love. Almost two months after Valentine's Day." Elsa shook her head amused. "I swear that man loves purposefully doing topical sermons way after they're relevant."
"I appreciate this one, though. I don't know, there's just something fascinating about love. All kinds of love, really, but especially eros: the romantic kind. Of course he talked about when he first met his wife, and you know how much I love that story. And then when he talked about how important it was to find the right partner, I just...honestly I can't remember a last time a sermon gripped me like this."
"Aww! I'm so happy for you, Anna. I'm glad you were able to get so much out of it." Elsa reached over and squeezed her hand, beaming at her like the proud older sister she always was.
"Yeah…"
And then, it happened. The moment that started the stunningly quick shift in her thinking, her feelings, her emotions. The catalyst. On this particular Sunday brunch, Anna asked something that would take her down a path that should never have been found.
"Have you ever been in love, Elsa?"
Her sister looked surprised, hand still on top of Anna's, and she went silent trying to remember any experiences with this foreign feeling. Foreign to Anna, anyways. After a few more seconds, Elsa shook her head. "No, I...I don't think I have."
"Me neither, or at least I don't think so," Anna replied. "What do you think it's like?"
"Didn't Tom talk about it today?" Elsa asked, not in a way that felt like she was dodging the question, but in a way that said she was curious.
"He used 1 Corinthians 13 to talk about what love should be like, and how our partner should fit all the things that love is, but he never really said what it felt like to be in love." Anna placed her elbow on the table, faintly hearing her mother's lecturing off in the distance, and rested her head on her hand. "How do you know if you love someone?" she pondered.
"Well, I've always heard that it's something that you just...know. Which doesn't help all that much, but I think that means it's different for everyone. It's a feeling that you get, kinda like the whole 'butterflies in your stomach' thing when you have a crush on someone. But stronger."
"Okay but a lot of things are stronger than butterflies."
Elsa smiled, "You know what I mean."
Anna closed her eyes and whined, "But I doooooon't." It sounded exactly like Elsa's impression of her. Since she posed the question, she knew that this would bug her until she got an answer.
And Elsa knew this too, which is why she said, "Okay, then let's look at our parents. You know that look mother gives father when he says a really bad pun? That one where she's trying not to laugh because that'll encourage him?"
"Mmhmm."
"And you know the way father smiles when we're driving back from church and mother holds his hand on the steering wheel?"
"Of course." Although admittedly, half the time she's asleep on the drive back.
"Well, I think that's what it is. Not a look, but the way they make you feel. Like...you can't imagine spending time with anyone else but them, and how all the big and little things about them make you happy. Does that make sense?"
It did, but it also didn't. Because even if she understood all of Elsa's words, Anna didn't have the frame of reference to understand the feeling.
The trouble continued later that night when Anna was tagged in a post on Facebook by her mother.
It was a picture that Anna took with Elsa while they were out at brunch. She sent it to their mother, who posted it with the caption: "My two blessed daughters! Where did the time go?!"
It's nothing too assuming, just Elsa sticking her tongue out at her with Anna trying to look at her with mock disgust. But she saw it, saw on her own face what Elsa was talking about. That look of pure happiness, which said that even though she thought Elsa was being gross at that moment, she couldn't imagine being with anyone else.
But maybe that was just a coincidence, she probably smiled like that with everyone. So, she scrolled through the pictures on her phone, trying to find evidence that this was normal for her.
She found a picture of her and Rapunzel getting ice cream, where she was trying to "steal" her cup while Rapunzel was looking away. The mischief in her eyes was very apparent, but while she was definitely having fun in the picture, she wasn't exactly...blissful. This made her sound like a terrible friend, so she kept scrolling.
Ah, she found a picture with her parents and Elsa when they went to an Elevation Worship concert. It's taken literally right after they got into the arena, their mother got someone to take a picture of them altogether. She and Elsa are standing on either side of their parents, and her father's arm is around Anna's shoulder. The smile Anna had is the one she was looking for, it's bright and happy, and Elsa's in it too but her parents are there as a barrier.
Wait no, there is no barrier. There shouldn't be a barrier. This is a perfectly fine and wholesome moment with her family. Which means that maybe she loves her family that much, that's all.
But then she goes to the next picture, and it's a candid one. Well, candid for her but a selfie of their parents when they picked up her phone while she wasn't looking. She still kept the picture once she got her phone back because of the goofy faces they were making, but she just now realized what was going on in the background. The picture's angled in a way that she can't see Elsa, but she can see herself.
And she's got that smile, her father's steering wheel smile. A look of pure admiration, with her head resting on her hand completely engrossed in whatever Elsa was telling her.
She wasn't aware of the camera on her when this picture was taken, which meant that her look was as genuine as they came.
Anna stopped scrolling after that as the floodgates opened in her mind. Questions, thoughts, and concerns completely overtook her as she closed her eyes and fought them off. It took her an hour to fall asleep.
She fully acknowledged the trouble three weeks later.
It was Spring Break for her, and while everyone else in her school had plans to go hiking, visit relatives across the country, or apply for jobs when the school year ended, Anna wanted nothing more than to spend her week with her sister at St. Joseph's. Elsa already had her Spring Break, which she had to spend holed up in her dorm so that she could catch up on all her homework, and this was the first time they'd see each other in almost a month.
Those...strange thoughts never came back after that night, so Anna chalked it up as just a bad dream or a moment of confusion. She felt determined that this week with her sister wouldn't be difficult emotionally.
And, for the most part, she was right. She interacted well enough with Elsa's college friends and got a personal tour of the campus (one that definitely beat the official tour she took a few months before), and when Elsa was in class Anna spent that time ruining her Netflix algorithm. Getting fast food on campus got a little boring though, and she couldn't wait to go back home and have actual food. But that was the only reason she wanted to go back home, her week at St. Joseph's was great.
And then Friday came.
It was her last night on campus, and Anna spent it accompanying Elsa to her Bible study. There were a lot of people, but everyone seemed friendly and welcoming, and they spent the first half-hour talking about the highs and lows of their week. The actual lesson was about how God stopped the sun so that Joshua could continue to fight his enemies, and Anna was eager to answer any questions about this because it was one of her favorite stories. But she kept them to herself, figuring that she was just an observer right now and they didn't want to hear from some high schooler.
When it ended, most of the people left to get started on their weekend, but Elsa and Anna stayed behind. This guy named Adam, with who Elsa seemed to be very...friendly with, brought out his guitar and began to play. They all sang along to popular worship songs and cheesy pop tunes, and then someone mentioned that Elsa should sing something.
"Did they know you can sing?" Anna asked her afterward.
"Adam did, but...oh gosh, he probably told them. Ugh," Elsa replied.
Coaxed by everyone in the room, including Anna, she agreed to sing one song. And she would get to pick.
Anna sat on the couch, watching her sister scroll through her phone intently, and finally she handed the phone off to Adam and asked, "Can you play this?"
He nodded, and began to strum a soft, familiar chord progression. Then again, all these songs were in the same key so of course it felt familiar. Anna didn't really know what the song was until Elsa started singing.
I know there's something in the wake of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eyes
You've built a love but that love falls apart
Your little piece of Heaven turns too dark
It was an old song, one that their mother would have on repeat while she was cleaning, but it's one that they unironically grew to love. Every time Listen to Your Heart showed up on her playlist, they would dramatically sing along and air guitar so hard they almost smacked each other in their face. Every memory of this song was hilarious, lighthearted, and fun...except for this one.
This one was terrifying.
She smiled through it all, despite her heart dropping into the pit of her stomach like heavy butterflies. Because while she watched her sister soothe her audience with her Broadway-quality voice, tucking her hair behind her ears as she looked at her phone to get the lyrics right, one thing became abundantly clear. She now knew what it meant to be in love.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
Chapter 5
Notes:
A/N: Honestly, I can't wait to finally get to the good stuff. All this prelude is agony...to wait. Get it? Like the song? From the hit 2013 movie Frozen?
Chapter Text
Of course Anna's been trying to fight these feelings ever since. Not only does she remind herself of how sick and twisted they are, but she buries herself into the Word in order to accomplish some peace of mind. Her prayers are frequent and frantic, she can't even begin to count how many times she's tried surrendering these thoughts up to God.
But nothing seems to work. One way or another the thoughts come back and pick away at her defenses. It's left her feeling tired, helpless, unworthy...and at Hillside it's even worse.
Hillside Church is one of those medium-sized, non-denominational churches. It's located at the top of an incline on the other side of a popular hill in Copper Springs- hence the name- and is built off the foundation of an old high school. The auditorium was refurbished into the main sanctuary, the cafeteria had walls put in to separate it into rooms for the children's ministry, and everything was repainted in calming colors of teal and white. It's large enough that trying to find parking is a struggle at any service time but small enough that you still knew most of the people on a first-name basis.
And up until recently, that wasn't such a bad thing for Anna.
It's Sunday again. Anna's sitting at the end of the row next to Elsa, and she's listening to Pastor Tom speak while feeling like everyone is looking at her. On the other side of the room, Ella and Ariel scribble notes in their large notebooks while their coffee cups and Hydroflasks lay by their feet. Sully is in the back with the rest of the worship team, probably huddled in front of a Switch playing a few rounds of Smash. Rapunzel and her family go to the service after this, so she's not here yet. And Hans is probably in the lobby talking to the other young staff members.
Meanwhile, Anna's skin prickles underneath her light-purple flannel with the fear of being exposed as the fake Christian. The one who doesn't trust God enough to rid her of her attraction to the girl right next to her.
And what's even worse is, from the parts she's able to focus on, this sermon is all about the woman at the well, shunned by her village.
"You see Jesus looked past her sin," Pastor Tom preaches. "He didn't care about who she was, but who she could be. And that's true for all of us."
Anna wishes she could believe that, but she knows that shunning is more likely in her future than welcoming. There has to be a line that Jesus draws somewhere, right? And she believes she's crossed it.
She takes notes for this sermon that focus more on easing her spirit than they do on strengthening her knowledge. And for the rest of the morning, she plays the part of the quiet unassuming girl respectfully going through the motions of a typical Sunday service. She takes communion, places a couple of dollars in the offering box, and sings the songs soft enough so she won't stand out, but loud enough to drown out the voice telling her how much of a hypocrite she is.
And finally, the service ends.
There's a little bit of downtime before the next one starts, but most of the 10 AM crowd rushes out to beat the traffic and go out for breakfast. Anna wants to be one of those people, or at least she wants to step outside so she can get some fresh air, but her family drove here together, and right now her parents are talking to Pastor Tom about something. Probably about Elsa, or the upcoming Harvest Festival.
So, she stays near her seat with her hand gripping the armrest, watching everyone else go out the auditorium doors. But hey, at least Elsa's with her.
"Still think it was a good idea not to take my car?" Elsa asks with a smirk, nudging her head towards the spirited conversation their parents are having. She embraces Sunday mornings as a time for her to dress up, and today she went with a lavender dress that went just below the knees and had thin shoulder straps.
Anna tries to make her smile just as convincing as she slings her purse onto her shoulder, "Maybe. But I know Tom's gonna want to talk to you too. About the mission trip and all that."
Elsa frowns, "Right. Well, I'll try to make it quick. Or I'll just tell him to schedule a time when we can talk, I've got a lot of time."
"Pssh, lucky." The heat's becoming too difficult to do nothing about. It feels like someone is pressing a heating pad on to her neck. She needs to get out. There are going to be too many people out front, but she knows that the basketball courts should be relatively empty. All she needs is-
"Hey, you know what? Let's get out of here before Tom can talk to me. I'll message him later," Elsa says.
Thank God for Elsa.
Although, a part of her feels guilty knowing that she also kind of wants to be away from her too. She can't say that, obviously, so instead she asks, "Where do you wanna go?"
"Basketball courts," she answers. "Where else?"
"Sounds great," Anna replies. Her sister takes her by the hand to lead them out of here, and Anna curses herself for how sweaty her palms are. And for how her breath catches in her throat. She follows more than she walks, focusing more on silencing every thought that comes to her. Them holding hands at church isn't that big of a deal to anyone since they've spent their whole lives here. Everyone knows who Anna and Elsa are, the inseparable sibling duo.
They step outside of the auditorium and into the lobby, but that's as far as they make it before someone calls out to her.
"Anna! Wait up!"
She turns around, instinctively letting go of Elsa's hand, and faces the guy walking towards her.
"Hans?" she asks. "What's up?"
It looks like he's also the type that enjoys dressing up on Sundays as he stands in front of her in his polished brown shoes, khakis, and emerald dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up. He usually doesn't talk to her much outside of Bible study, and this is the first time he's actually tried to grab her attention.
"Hey, I just uh...wanted to check how you were doing. You left kind of quickly after Bible study." Hans has a way of making everyone comfortable around him, one smile and a kind word and all your insecurities are momentarily gone.
It only works somewhat on Anna, who's now worried about Elsa hearing about her near freakout earlier in the week. "Yeah, I had a lot to do that night," she lies. "I had to get home as soon as possible."
He nods, "Ah, makes sense. But everything's alright now?"
Not even close, but she continues the lie. "Yeah, everything's settled. But I really have to go, so…"
Hans' eyes widen when he realizes that he must have been interrupting something. He looks guilty for even existing right now. "Oh, I am so sorry. Don't let me keep you, I just...you're coming again on Wednesday, right?"
Honestly, she kind of doesn't want to, she only started going because her parents said it would look good for St. Joseph's if she spent her free time doing more of the Lord's work. Weeks later and the study's continued to be just another Wednesday night for her, she really doesn't get anything out of it. But there's no excuse she can come up with that will be convincing enough to let her stay home. Her parents already scheduled around dinner time on Wednesday so she could go, and Elsa would definitely get the truth out of her if she stayed home. Or at least part of the truth.
So, she puts on that fake smile she's too grossly accustomed to and replies, "Of course."
"Awesome." Hans pats her arm, and in a lower, more serious voice he adds, "And I'll keep praying for you."
He leaves out the front door, and maybe two seconds pass until Elsa's arm is around her shoulders and she's asking, "So...who's Hans?"
There's so much implication in that question, Anna can't roll her eyes hard enough. "He leads my Bible study," she replies unamused. "And no."
Elsa giggles, "I didn't say anything."
"Well, I heard it. Can we go now, please?"
September weather is a lovely prelude to the most beautiful season. The dying embers of summer are slowly being snuffed out, and the autumn chill is sneaking its way through the trees. It's Anna's favorite season.
It used to be summer since she loved the freedom of it, and because Elsa was home for three months, but she grew to love autumn more because, in her words, it's underrated and needs more support.
A yellow leaf flutters past the sisters as they sit next to each other on the small metal bleachers. The basketball courts are empty save for a few kids on the other side playing a poorly officiated pickup game. Elsa's posture is prim and proper, hands folded across her lap and her legs tightly pressed together. Anna slouches, letting her elbows rest on her knees and hands dangle.
Elsa closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, smiling as she does so. "I really missed this place. Hillside, I mean. The churches near St. Joseph's are...well, they're okay, but there really is no place like home."
Anna gets that, Hillside really has been their second home all this time. They were baptized here- once as a baby and again while they were both in high school- went through literally every room in the children's ministry, went to church camp as bunkmates and then as counselors, and their parents even renewed their vows here. Elsa's always said she wants to get married here too, and Anna...well, she never thought about it.
Guess that should have been a sign too.
She wonders for a second if maybe her feelings are just admiration. She's looked up to her older sister for her entire life, and it would make sense that she could mix that feeling up with infatuation. After all, everything about Elsa just screams "Role Model", and whenever she was having trouble Elsa was the first one she'd go to. Well, God first and then her when Anna wanted a second opinion. It's perfectly natural for a younger sister to admire their older sister.
But the way her heart clenches when she sees Elsa smile tells her that it's not just admiration.
Anna presses her hands against her forearms, "Well, not a lot's changed since the last time you were here. I mean they finally fixed the flickering light in the first-grade room, but other than that."
"Ugh finally, it's been like...what, three months now?"
"Something like that, yeah."
"Gosh, so annoying."
"Yeah, it is."
She hates this. The outside air is good at cooling her body down, but it does nothing to calm her mind. The consequence for feeling the way she does is that she can't have a normal conversation with Elsa anymore, not for too long at least. And it's only a matter of time before her sister picks up on this.
"Anna, what's going on?"
It looks like that time is now.
Elsa asks with concern, not accusation. Of course Elsa not only knows what to say but how to say it; hard to believe this is the same girl that used to take speech classes in elementary school.
"What do you mean?" Anna asks dumbly.
"You haven't been acting like yourself ever since I came back," Elsa explains. "I talked to mother and father, and they haven't noticed anything different. But you know you can't fool me."
"I'm not trying to fool anyone," she responds, which is as blatant a confession as any.
"I know you're not. I'm sorry, that was selfish of me to think that. It's just that you've always told me when something was wrong, and it- I mean what's changed, Anna?"
Everything. Everything's changed and it frustrates her so much that she can't say anything because Elsa is the one she goes to when something's wrong. But she can't this time, and no matter what she does or what she says, nothing changes and she has to carry this burden and do...what with it? Let it go? Oh, if only it was that easy. Embrace it? That shouldn't even be an option. Repress it? There's no way she can do that for so long without pushing Elsa away even more.
Anna digs her fingers into her arms and mutters, "I...need to figure this out alone, okay?"
"So there is something wrong." Elsa scoots closer, which heats up her skin that took so long to cool down. "If you're in trouble, that's not something you should face alone. Don't do what I did my first year at St. Joseph's."
"I know I'm not supposed to." She takes a very uneasy breath. "But this thing is different."
"Different or not, we can figure this out together-"
Anna turns to her and yells, "This isn't helping, Elsa! And I know you think you know better because you went to therapy, but you don't know what this feels like so can you..." Anna stops herself because she knows she's gone too far.
And it gets quiet, uncomfortably and agonizingly quiet. Elsa sits up, utterly shocked but mostly hurt as if those words cut straight through her heart. Anna's never yelled at her before, even when they were kids and would fight over who got the last Oreo. This is definitely different, and it's not a good different. How utterly tragic is it that a moment of solitude ends up adding to an eternity of regret?
Which is what Anna feels immediately. She wipes the sickening anger off her face and hopes her guilty frown is enough to show Elsa that she didn't mean to snap at her like this. It doesn't seem to have any effect though, she's clearly struck a nerve in Elsa that she was never supposed to even get near. She knows those therapy sessions used to be a sore subject for Elsa, and to throw it in her face like this...
This isn't how you're supposed to treat the people you claim to love, and especially not the ones you've deranged yourself into believing you're in love with.
It's not words that break the silence, but rather the vibrating of Elsa's phone. She takes it out of her purse and says, "It's mother. We're going home." She puts her phone back and steps off the bleachers.
Anna finally finds her voice again and says, "Elsa wait…"
But Elsa continues to walk away in silence, not looking back to see if her sister is following her. Anna watches as she brings a hand to her face, wiping possible tears away. She waits a couple more seconds before getting off the bleachers too, giving Elsa as much space as possible. And giving herself time to stir in shame for the pain she's caused.
The woman said, "I know that Messiah is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us." (John 4:25)
Chapter Text
"Forgiveness," Hans says after he writes the word on the board. "Can you imagine?"
He pauses for a second to see if the Hamilton reference is a hit with the study, but everyone looks at him with a blank expression. Anna understands the reference but doesn't feel like speaking up.
Hans clears his throat and continues his lesson." We think it's this thing that we have to earn, but just like Pastor Tom taught us on Sunday, we've had it this whole time."
This time, the Bible study comes alive somewhat and nods in agreement, Anna hears Ariel mutter an "Mmhmm". She herself continues to sit quietly in her chair, her notebook open to a blank page. She's here physically, but her mind is still at those bleachers. It was...hard getting here, but maybe it would be better to be here than standing in front of Elsa's door finding the courage to knock.
No, she knows she shouldn't be here. There's nothing she can get out of this Bible study that she doesn't already know and nothing that anyone can say tonight that she needs to hear.
Hans looks her way for the sixth time that night, but it's the first time their eyes actually meet. He looks away immediately and continues his point, "Remember, he...Jesus already knows our deepest fears and secrets. Our insecurities. The things we hide from everyone, including ourselves. Yet he still loves us."
Yeah, she's definitely not getting anything from this. In fact, his words are actually frustrating because they're things that everyone in this room has heard a million times before. What difference will it make hearing it one more time?
"There is no such thing as the unforgivable."
That's ridiculous.
Everyone in the room turns to look at Anna, some like Rapunzel look especially surprised. Anna wonders what's going on, thinking maybe there's someone behind her or she let out a burp without knowing it. And then the realization hits. Her arms are crossed, her face is set in an eternal frown because of the fractured relationship with her sister, and she's just rudely interrupted the entire study by saying her stupid thought out loud.
Hans saves her somewhat by not missing a beat, "Anna, is there something you want to add?" If he's angry, he's doing a good job of not showing it.
But Anna...gosh she's already put her foot in her mouth once this week. Does she really want to do it again? No, of course not. It's best that she makes up some lame excuse and apologize, and then never say anything again for the rest of the night.
She shakes her head, "N-no, sorry I...I've got nothing. Nothing to say."
Hans doesn't budge, though, and he gives her his full attention. "Nonsense, we all have a voice here. And this study isn't supposed to be me talking for an hour. I encourage interaction, and I want your feedback. And I can't speak for everyone, but I know I'd loveto hear what you have to say."
Anna wants to continue protesting, but it's clear through Hans' body language that he won't continue until she says something. Of course she doesn't want to cause a scene, but at the same time these last few days have been really frustrating.
It's all her fault, of course. Elsa holes herself up in her room most of the day, and during dinner they can barely look at each other. Plus, she has an appointment coming up with her guidance counselor, and even though they have a good relationship, she doesn't appreciate the added stress. And then there's the Harvest Festival coming up, and for some odd reason, her mother's been really pushy about her finding someone to go with. Like on a date. Even though she likes spending that time volunteering for the church so the kids there can have a good time.
And she received a response from St. Joseph's saying they want to admit her, but they need an essay from her first about where God is calling her. Which is going to be difficult because she's terrible at writing essays, and God's been really quiet for a while now and that brings things back to the first point about-
Yeah, maybe she should say something.
Anna takes a breath, counterproductive with how she tenses up immediately after beginning to speak. "Well, I...it is ridiculous. I mean nothing is unforgivable? Everything is on an equal level of being pardoned? That sounds to me like we're putting things like cheating on a test on the same level as murder, rape, and all these other horrible things people do to each other because they can. And that's not even touching the thoughts that people have like every day, stuff that goes completely against everything Jesus taught us. Those are forgivable too? There's no line drawn? And if you wanna argue human desire, then wouldn't it be so much easier for God to just...not let us have those desires? What's the point of free will if we're going to use it to be sick degenerates who only look out for ourselves and think and do horrible things and...I...I forgot where I was going with this. But that's what I've got. And I'm sorry. Again. I'm just gonna shut up now."
Again, Hans takes this development in stride. He nods when Anna finishes speaking, almost looking like he's proud of what he's heard. "Thank you, Anna," he replies. "I'm so glad that you shared your thoughts." And it sounds like he means it.
He retakes command of the study in no time at all, and Anna doesn't make a noise until she's asked for her prayer request. "Unspoken," she says once again.
The walk back to her car is lonely and cold, but also needed. She didn't want to stick around in case anyone wanted to say something to her and so she left the room immediately. The night breeze nudges her forward with each step, reminding her that she shouldn't have forgotten her jacket. But it's okay, she'll be able to warm herself up in her car and get away from this place very soon.
"Anna, hold up!"
Or so she thinks.
Eerily reminiscent of their encounter on Sunday, Anna turns around to see Hans jogging towards her.
"Glad I caught you," he says when he's right in front of her.
Sensing this is about her outburst, Anna's quick to say, "Look I'm sorry for what I said back there. It was rude, I didn't mean it."
He shakes his head, "No, actually I think it was very brave for you to say what you did. It's so easy to be a believer and accept things as they are, but it takes real strength to raise questions like yours. I think it helps strengthen your faith, honestly."
"Oh. Well, uh...thanks." Anna turns to leave, but she feels Hans place his hand on her forearm. He doesn't hold her back, but her general politeness keeps her from taking a step forward anyway. When she turns back around, she sees an emotion on the typically calm and collected Hans' face that she never thought was possible: nervousness.
"But-but hey, I wouldn't be doing my job if I left you hanging with those questions," he says. "And besides, Peter says- I mean he tells us that we should always be prepared to defend our faith. Let me- I mean I would love to talk to you. About your faith and all that, and ease some of your doubts. One-on-one, I mean. Just name a time when you're free. And a place."
Anna's tired, exhausted really. The exhaustion lay dormant in her throughout the Bible study, but it finally started creeping up her body toward the end. She's got school tomorrow. And Elsa goes to bed in an hourish, and maybe she'll have the guts to at least say goodnight to her.
This...Hans is a new development. She obviously suspects ulterior motives from his invitation, and it's best that she doesn't make her life any more complicated than it already is. Politely declining is the right move here.
"I've got time after school tomorrow," she answers instead.
They end up meeting at a coffee shop next to Hillside. It's a popular hangout place for a lot of the church staff, and the brick walls, wooden furniture, and lo-fi background music give it a very laid back feel.
Anna comes here right after school, so she hasn't even changed out of her uniform. Rapunzel was obviously intrigued at this new development and encouraged her to go home first and change into something "cuter", but Anna told her that this meeting isn't like that. It's...well, she doesn't know what it is. Of course she was going to say no to Hans' invitation, but then she had a thought that maybe this would be good for her. Maybe he can somehow help her get past these feelings so she can stop being a constant mess of a person.
It still doesn't keep her from feeling ridiculous in her white school polo and black skirt.
Hans arrives ten minutes after she does, wearing an emerald-green sweater and dark blue jeans. His hair is combed and gelled up, the same way he wears it on Sunday mornings.
Anna can't help but think of how jealous Ariel must be right now, and also how...unaffected she herself feels. Not that he isn't attractive, but there's this overall feeling of nothingness when she thinks about Hans. It disappoints Anna, she was really hoping to have the same feeling she gets when she looks at Elsa on Sunday mornings.
"Hey, sorry if I've kept you waiting," he says, sitting on the empty chair of the small table in the corner that Anna's chosen.
"Don't worry about it," she replies with a wave of her hand, "I just got here too."
"Oh good." Hans puts his notebook on the table and flashes her a warm, familiar smile, "So, how do you want to start?"
Anna takes her backpack off the table and asks, "Uh what do you mean?"
"I wrote your questions down- well as best I could remember- and spent the day going through them, so we can go straight into that. Or, if you want to, we can have just a regular conversation first and ease into it. Totally up to you, I'm fine either way."
It's up to her. If this is really just about talking theoretical shop, then they should get straight to her doubts and concerns from yesterday. But if this is something else, if she wants to make it something else, then getting to know Hans is the better choice. Maybe her attraction to Elsa is due to a lack of experience, sure she didn't really feel anything for Hans right now but maybe that could change.
Maybe she could change.
"Sure, let's talk," Anna replies, ignoring the urgent nagging in the back of her foolish mind.
And so, she learns more about Hans, the twenty-one-year-old St. Joseph's alumni with a Bachelor's in Theology. His father's an Elder at the church (which she already knew because he would always make rude remarks about her whenever she wore shorts), and he was recently hired by Hillside to be their Assistant Young Adults Coordinator. Which basically means he gets paid to, in his words, "teach high schoolers not to be jerks".
"I love my job, though, don't get me wrong," he explains as he sips the large coffee he ordered earlier. "I'm hoping it leads to a Youth Pastor job down the line. That's what I really want to do."
"Have you had any luck?"
He shakes his head, "Nothing that pays, at least. But this is where God's calling me, so I won't give up."
Ah, there's something Anna knew she needed an answer to. She taps her hand against the table, "How...do you know that? How do you know what God's saying?"
His eyebrows raise with intrigue, the same way Elsa's do when she asks her about the Book of Esther, and he leans back in his chair. "Ah, that's a very good question. He's been silent with you for a while, hasn't he?"
Anna bites her lip, "How can you tell?"
Hans draws a circle around his eye with his finger, "I've seen that look before. Many times. And every time, I always give people the same advice."
"And what's that?"
"You're looking for an answer, right? Maybe it isn't that God's not giving you an answer, maybe it's just that you're asking the wrong question. We'll never know how he actually works, but he'll never leave his children lost in the darkness."
What if she deserves to be lost in the darkness? That's what Anna wants to ask, but it doesn't feel like something she wants to share with Hans. And besides, what kind of answer would she be looking for?
They transition smoothly from there into discussing Anna's questions from last night. Even though Hans is telling her answers she already knows, she admires his knowledge and how easily he explains such abstract concepts. He's definitely got the looks and brain of a Youth Pastor, and she starts to understand why girls like Ariel are attracted to him.
But after all is said and done- and she realizes that they've been talking for three hours- Anna can't say she's attracted to him in the same way. Sure, he's sweet and good-looking but it doesn't do anything to her and it's so freaking frustrating that it doesn't. It's whatever though, she thinks, because it's not like Hans likes her in that way anyway.
And then he asks the question.
"Hey, are you seeing anyone?"
It still takes her by surprise even if she's kind of expecting it. After all, he's moved closer since they first started talking and he praises her for the simplest of answers. "Uh, no I'm not," she confesses. "Why?"
Hans' uncharacteristic nervousness comes back, and he lets out an unconvincing cough. "Ah, n-nothing I was just curious."
"I feel like you're more than just curious."
"Very observant," he says, accompanied by nervous laughter. "Okay, well...this might sound crazy but I've kinda had a thing for you ever since you joined the Bible study. I know it's really unprofessional, and the age difference might probably put you off, but would you- could we- I mean do you want to go out sometime?"
The age difference doesn't put her off (after all, he's the same age as Elsa), but it will definitely have people talking. Except there's nothing to talk about, or at least there won't be. And never will be. Anna's not attracted to him and that's that. She has no romantic feelings towards him, and even though that could change she really shouldn't take the chance. Even if in some twisted, roundabout way he could make her feel normal…
It'll be harsh turning him down, but it's what she needs to do. Anna looks him in his eyes, looks past his nervous yet hopeful smile, and says:
"Sure. That sounds fun."
But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. (1 Peter 3:15)
Notes:
A/N: I can hear you typing your disgust right away, but I just want to remind you that Anna is eighteen years old. So her dating a twenty-one year old is still sketch but not illegal. Unless your disgust is because she's dating Hans...which is fair. I don't particularly like it either.
Chapter Text
On Friday, Anna and Hans meet at the same coffee shop and pick up where their conversation left off the day before. She learns that he's the youngest of thirteen and is the only one left that lives in the family home with their father.
On Saturday, they go to get ice cream. Hans learns that she can't get brain freeze and that her favorite flavor is rocky road. She loves the little marshmallows.
On Sunday, everyone in Hillside knows that they're a "thing".
They wanted to keep their relationship on the low-key for a little bit while they figured things out, but apparently one of the staff members saw a text Anna sent him and, well, word travels fast in their little community. Privacy only exists at Hillside if you're careful, and gossip and rumors are a hot commodity second only to tithes.
Anna knows their secret is out when she sees the quick glances her way, hears the whispered utterances of her name, and feels the particularly nasty glare from Elder Westerguard. Hans apologizes for letting it slip by texting her a rose with a message saying "Forgive me?" She responds with, "Fine, but you owe me a cookie." Later that week, he surprises her with a whole box of them. The ones with M&M's instead of chocolate chips, her favorite kind.
Rapunzel, of course, is ecstatic about this new development. And during lunch the next day, she's already buzzing with the prospect of double dates.
"Gosh, this really came out of nowhere," Rapunzel says to her after furiously typing another date idea into her phone. "I didn't even know you had a thing for him."
"Yeah, it was a surprise to me too," Anna replies, hiding the nervousness in her laughter.
Her friend gasps, "Wait, was this what you meant when you were talking about wanting something you shouldn't?"
Anna blinks, "Uh…"
Rapunzel throws her hands up in the air, "Of course! It doesn't feel right because he's like three years older than you, right? So, you thought that maybe it was wrong ethically or something like that."
"Y-yeah that sounds about right." Anna digs herself deeper into this hole with another lie. She doesn't feel wrong dating Hans- well, his age isn't the reason it feels wrong. The more she gets to know him, the more Anna realizes how great of a guy is. Sure he's maybe a little too...excited about them going out now, but if that's the only downside, then for all intents and purposes he's a perfect gentleman and a great boyfriend.
It's just that Anna doesn't see him as her boyfriend yet. In their texts, Hans calls her "babe" and "sweetie", in return she calls him "dude" or "Hans". He thinks it's endearing, but Anna's doing this because she doesn't see him the way that he sees her.
Yet. That's what she tells herself. She doesn't see him like that yet. And it's only been a week, less than that even, so she has no doubts that can change. She just has to keep reminding herself of how great he is, and how good he is to her.
"Look, there's nothing wrong with liking older guys," Rapunzel continues. "I mean Eugene's twenty, and sure it was a little awkward at first but we got through it. You and Hans will go through the same thing, and you'll come out just fine."
"Oh. Great." Anna has to remind herself to keep smiling so Rapunzel doesn't suspect something's wrong. Although her friend is so excited, she probably wouldn't even notice if Anna's hair was on fire.
"Ooh, I just remembered there's a carnival coming here soon!" Rapunzel types that idea into her phone and adds without looking, "Also, fair warning, your parents probably won't like it when you tell them about Hans."
Actually, they do. During dinner that night, she formally tells them about Hans and their reactions are overwhelmingly positive, especially her mother's.
"Oh I'm so happy!" Her mother says while putting her hands above her own heart. "My little girl's finally found a man!"
Anna brushes off the poor word choice and sighs, "Mother, it's really not that big of a deal."
"Yes it is, it's such a big, wonderful, fantastic deal. Oh, I was getting so worried you were never going to find someone." Did she forget Anna's only eighteen? "And he's a man of God, too!"
"Hans...he works with the youth ministry, right? Leads the Bible study you go to?" Her father asks.
Mentally wincing at the different ways this conversation can go, Anna's hesitant with her answer. "Yeah, same guy."
Her father nods, "I've spoken with his father before. He seems like a good influence." And that ends his brief contribution to this conversation.
The rest of is Anna fielding questions from her mother that gradually get more embarrassing. As for Elsa...she's been as silent during this dinner as she has since Anna blew up on her.
But that changes later in the night.
Anna's sitting at her computer table, a blanket draped over her shoulders while she stares at more than does the math homework she's fallen behind on. On the nightstand by her bed, her Bluetooth speaker plays God Only Knows while she sings along under her breath. Hans has just texted her goodnight because he has a long day tomorrow. He ends his text with a blue heart emoji, she responds with a blushing smiley face.
And breaking the carefully crafted comfort is a knock on her door.
Anna's both excited and anxious when she hears the knock because she already knows who it is. But she's not about to shut her out even more. "Come in," she says, turning in her chair so she's facing the door.
Elsa walks in and closes the door, smiling like she's relieved that she's allowed to come inside. Even though it wasn't her that did anything wrong. Her purple tank top and gray shorts show that she's all ready for bed. "Hey," she says.
"Hey," Anna says back.
"You busy?"
She is, but...it's Elsa. How can she say no to Elsa? Her heart still does that thing where it stops beating when she's near her, but it's now accompanied by this overwhelming feeling of guilt. Guilt that she obviously can't mention to Elsa who's now sitting on her bed. "No, not really," Anna replies.
Elsa tilts her head, and her smile falters just a little bit. "I can see the math on your laptop screen. I can come back if you need to get it done."
"Don't worry about it, it's not due tomorrow." Which is technically true, it was due last week. "Uh hey, before you say anything else I...I'm really sorry. For yelling at you. It wasn't right, and I know you were just looking out for me and I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. I hate being the reason you're upset."
"Don't worry about it," Elsa repeats, although Anna can tell it's still upsetting her. She can always tell when Elsa's upset. "It's my fault for trying to push you into talking about something that's too sore for you to talk about. I'm- I should know better than that."
Anna stands up and sits on the bed next to her. "No, I'm not letting you take the blame for my screw-up. All you were trying to do was make sure I was okay. That's what good big sisters do. And you're the best."
That makes Elsa's smile wider again, and of course their close proximity is making Anna feel very warm, and she can't pretend it's because of the blanket. She ignores it, hoping that she can stay normal enough to keep this purely a sisterly interaction. It's a losing battle, especially when Elsa rests her head on her shoulder and she forgets how to breathe. "I try," Elsa says softly.
"You do more than try," Anna says in the same way, and against better judgment, she rests her head on Elsa's. Her hair smells like eucalyptus.
"So...Hans."
Oh boy.
Anna groans, "Do we have to talk about this?"
"I wouldn't be doing my job as a big sister if I didn't ask you about him," Elsa reasons. She pats her hand and sits back up. "Don't worry, I'll keep my opinion of him to myself."
"That means you don't like him," Anna pouts, but is also confused as to why she cares about that. After all, she barely likes Hans in that way yet.
"No, that just means that I think he's…" Elsa looks up, searching for the right word before settling on: "...interesting."
Anna rolls her eyes, "That's Mom Speak for 'I don't like him'."
"Hey, at the end of the day all that matters is if you like him." Elsa nudges her with her shoulder. "You've always had a good judge of character, so if you can trust him then...I can learn to trust him too."
"It's the age thing, right? You're uncomfortable because I'm dating you- your age. Someone your age. Right?"
Finally Elsa confesses, "Erm, yeah that's part of it. The other part is like...I don't know, from what I could tell, you didn't seem all that into him. What changed?"
That's a good question. That's a good, valid, reasonable, understandable question. Anna racks her brain, hoping to find an answer that sounds convincing to Elsa and to herself. She falls back on her bed, folds her hands on top of her stomach, and sighs. She hopes it sounds more like a "He's so dreamy" kind of breath rather than an "I made a mistake" kind. Because she didn't make a mistake, this relationship will help her in the long run.
It needs to…
"I guess I judged him too quickly," Anna says. "He's smart and caring, and his eyes are nice. Obviously he's got a solid grasp on theology which is a major plus, and uh...I don't know, I just feel good about him."
"Hmm." Elsa lays down too and turns to look at her sister. "You'll be safe, right?"
"Pssh, of course."
"And if he tries anything…"
"I'll punch him right in the nose." Anna throws her fist up, showing off the worst punching form ever.
Elsa giggles, "Well, that or you come to me."
"And you'll punch him in the nose?"
Elsa shrugs, "Sure. You know I'd do anything for you."
Anna turns to look at her and realizes they're much closer than she was expecting. Inches apart, shoulders touching, their faces separated by the length of a pillow. A small pillow. She takes in the curve of Elsa's lips, the deep blue of her eyes, the faint freckles across her cheeks. It makes her look so peaceful, like a guardian angel comforting their assigned human.
Well maybe that's it, Anna wonders, maybe she's mistaking attraction for gratitude. Elsa's always had her back no matter what. She remembers when they were on the playground in elementary school, and Anna was pushed off the swings by this older boy. In a flash, Elsa came to her rescue and actually did punch him in the nose. She got detention for that and was sent to her room right after dinner, but Anna slipped her a thank-you-drawing underneath her door. It was of Elsa dressed like a superhero, cape and all, and on the top of the page in big letters, it read SUPER ELSA.
It could just be gratitude that Anna's feeling...but she knows it isn't. Not when they're this close, and all she can really think about is how much she wants to lean forward and kiss her.
Would Elsa mind?
Would she kiss her back?
No, she'd probably be disgusted and never want to talk to her again. And then their parents would find out and kick her out of the house. And then she'd be all alone on the streets, succumbing herself to the fate of cold nights on the asphalt, a heart tattered and scarred, and a head full of mistakes.
Elsa looks concerned like she can see what she's thinking, "Anna, what's wrong?"
"Huh?" she says, finding it hard to make a sound.
"You're crying."
Anna wipes her thumb across her eye, and it confirms the tears. She must have visualized that scenario a little too hard. "Oh, that's embarrassing," she says with a pained smile.
"Are you okay?" Elsa asks, replacing Anna's thumb with her own. Anna wishes she didn't do that.
"Yeah no it's probably just stress," Anna half-lies. "School's getting a little hard, that's all."
Elsa frowns and then sits up, scooting further onto the bed. When she crosses her legs, she pats her lap and says "Come here."
Anna's confusion turns into apprehension when she figures out what her sister is asking her to do. But saying no could push Elsa away again, and she refuses to do any more damage to their sisterly relationship. She maneuvers herself so that she's laying fully on her bed, with her head in Elsa's lap. It's warm and comforting, neither of those being things she deserves if Elsa knew what she was thinking. That thought, of course, produces more tears and now she worries about staining her sister's shorts.
But Elsa is oblivious to all of this. She strokes Anna's hair and coos, "You're going to be alright. I've got you."
Anna hears her phone buzz on her desk, it's most likely Hans but she doesn't have the emotional energy right now to answer it. She should say something, anything, that can give her sister some glimpse into what she's dealing with. Every time something was wrong, Elsa was the first person she'd go to, and yes this time she's part of what's wrong but…
No.
She's trapped.
Trapped in the loving arms of her sister, trapped in the attraction that hasn't gone away yet, and trapped in this downward spiral that hasn't stopped yet. And so she does the only thing she can do right now.
She lets the tears fall, doesn't even try to control them, and mutters to herself, "I don't deserve you." Maybe Elsa hears, maybe she doesn't. It doesn't really matter right now, even though she knows it's true.
Notes:
A/N: In this case, the song God Only Knows is by for KING & COUNTRY, not the Beach Boys.
Chapter 8
Notes:
C/W: Mentions of homophobic teachings
This one might hurt a little.
Chapter Text
Double dates are supposed to be low-stress situations, or at least that's what Rapunzel tells Anna. But right now, stressed is all Anna's feeling. Tonight is her first double date, she has Hans of course and Rapunzel is bringing the "love of her life" Eugene. And together they're all going to the carnival that's in town. What better place to have your first double date than a place with lots of open space, fun things to do, and places to sneak away for a moment to steal a chaste kiss with your significant other.
Kiss...she almost kissed Elsa the other night.
It's 7:30 PM on a Friday, the two couples have just stepped onto the carnival grounds. Eighties rock plays through the crackly speakers, Rapunzel jumps onto Eugene's back, and Hans holds Anna's hand to guide them through the sea of people.
They're all packed together, smiling faces and loud noises. Anna wonders what Elsa's doing right now, probably sitting in the living room finishing off the potato chips they bought last week and watching a horror movie because she's weird like that. But it's an endearing weird, a cute weird. Cute like her in a thin tank top and-
Hans! She's on a date with Hans! She snaps out of her horrid trance and focuses on Hans.
He's definitely dressed up tonight to show off his own physique. He has on tight gray jeans and an athletic top that wraps around his upper body to show off his admittedly impressive muscles. In his free hand, he's holding a jacket that Anna will most likely have to borrow at some point tonight because she forgot to bring one.
Because she herself decided on jeggings and a bright pink shirt on a cold autumn night. Her hair flops down in an uncombed mess along her shoulders. Hans still calls her beautiful.
They finally break out of the crowd and find themselves near the food court. "Where to first?" Anna asks, hoping that speaking and engaging herself in the here and now will help get her mind off of Elsa and her stunning body.
"Well, this one wants me to win her a stuffed horse," Eugene says while nudging his head towards Rapunzel. "So, we can try doing that first."
Rapunzel punches her fist in the air and exclaims, "Onward, trusty steed!"
The couple takes off towards the game booths. Hans turns to Anna and asks, "Is that okay with you? Or do you wanna go do something else?"
There's something in his voice that makes Anna believe he wants to spend some time alone with her, but she's feeling iffy about it even though they've already spent so much alone time together. She needs Rapunzel as a buffer, even if it just means she's near her. She shrugs, trying to look nonchalant, "Sure, I've got enough money to lose on rigged carnival games."
Hans smirks, "So optimistic. Alright, let's catch up."
Anna takes his hand and lets him lead again, because that's what she's supposed to do. Right? That has to be proper date etiquette, she's supposed to let her man take the lead and court her, while she enjoys spending time with him and definitely not thinking about kissing her sister. She thought that she knew how to act on a date, but she's either forgotten how or is second-guessing every decision she's making tonight. Or both.
The games take place underneath wooden booths barely held together by duct tape and rusty nails. They're the standard carnival fare, including the one game where you toss ping pong balls into fishbowls. Anna always wondered where they got the fish, it couldn't have been an entirely legal process. They find the other couple in front of a large wall of barely inflated balloons, Rapunzel looks admiringly at Eugene who has five darts in his hand.
"I believe in you babe," Rapunzel says as she gives him some space and stands next to Anna. "You've got this."
"Don't poke your eye out," Anna comments, feeling more at ease when Rapunzel hooks her arm around hers.
"Pssh, that's not happening. I played darts all the time at the orphanage." He inspects the tip of one of the red darts and adds, "It was a weird orphanage."
Amidst the sounds of bottles crashing and bells dinging, he lines up his first shot and throws it hard against the wall. It pops a balloon and sticks to the wall with a satisfying thud. Rapunzel yelps in excitement and bounces on her toes as he repeats the action with the same result. Anna looks up at Hans, who's still holding her hand. His eyes scan the carnival grounds as if he's looking for something, or maybe he's already bored of her company. Is she not trying hard enough to be a good date?
"What's up?" she asks right as Eugene throws his third dart and hits a third balloon.
"I'm trying to find a game here that I can probably win," Hans explains. He stops looking and catches her eye with a cheeky grin, "I want to impress you."
"I appreciate your honesty, " Anna replies, thankful that he's not regretting this. "You're sweet, but you don't have to do that."
"I know, I want to. Rapunzel's getting a horse, so what do you want? What's your favorite animal?"
Eugene pops his fourth balloon, and Rapunzel interjects on her behalf, "Penguins! She loves penguins!"
Hans nods, "Alright, then I'm going to find you a penguin."
Anna's attention is pulled away when Rapunzel whispers in her ear, "Guys love impressing their dates. It's a confidence thing."
She assumes that's right, considering how Hans has gone back to looking at the other booths and how Eugene's face is stoic as he lines up his last shot. And she also remembers Elsa telling her about how Adam almost dropped her after picking her up to show how strong he was.
Which, honestly, it's not that hard to pick up Elsa. She's done it multiple times, typically to dunk her into a pool. The last time she'd done so was at a pool party two summers ago, she remembers Elsa wearing a modest two-piece bathing suit and wrapping her arms around her waist, falling backward into the pool. Her body hasn't changed much since then, save for-
Her thoughts are interrupted by Rapunzel's squeal as Eugene pops his fifth and final balloon. She unhooks her arm from Anna's and runs over to her boyfriend, kissing him as the booth runner grabs a stuffed horse from the top of the shelf.
Hans claps for the balloon assassin, and Anna joins him because it seems like the natural thing to do. She reminds herself again of where she is, who she's with, and what she can't be thinking about. "Well done," Hans says as the couple walks back towards them with a new friend in tow.
Eugene does an exaggerated bow and says, "Thank you, the secret is to throw the dart really hard."
"I'll make sure to keep that in mind. But right now…" Hans turns to Anna and says confidently, "I have a penguin to win."
Hans lets go of her hand and walks determinedly towards wherever he was looking at. Rapunzel and Eugene bring up the rear, although they're not in much of a rush to keep up with them. And even though Anna's keeping pace with her boyfriend, she can't help but feel caught in the middle of everyone.
He stops in front of a long board of lights with a bell at the very top. A father holds a large mallet in his hands as his kids cheer him on. He brings the mallet down with an overhead swing against a padded platform. A loud thwack accompanies a metal weight traveling up the board, setting off the lights as it tries to climb its way to the top. Anna knows this game, it's the main attraction at every carnival to test your strength.
Which seems to be Hans' plan as he steps forward and cracks his knuckles. The metal weight barely makes it halfway up the board before falling back down. The father shrugs and walks away with his kids.
"Oh gosh, please don't hurt yourself," Anna says to Hans.
"Don't worry, I used to work at a lumber mill in the summers. And axes are pretty close to mallets." He raises his hand to get the carnival staff's attention. Anna watches as Hans grabs the mallet, his biceps flexing as he holds it in his hands. She has to trust that he'll be okay because the guilt she'll feel if he gets hurt on her behalf would be brutal.
That's why she once again remarks, "Be careful!"
Hans lines up his swing by having the mallet head hover over the platform. He turns for a second to look back at Anna and winks. "Always," he says before raising the mallet above his head. One hand is near the head, the other is at the end of the handle, and he uses both to bring the mallet back down.
After another loud thwack, the weight travels up the board like a rocket taking flight. Higher and higher it goes, brighter and brighter the board becomes. The momentum ceases to ease up until it gets near the top, and then it climbs up those last few inches.
The bell's louder than Anna's expecting.
Hans raises the mallet in victory, and Anna claps because he's clearly enjoying himself and it feels like the right response. He hands the mallet back to the carnival staff and points at the stuffed penguin on the middle shelf. When he walks back to her with it, he's got so much pride on his face. Like he's truly happy to have won this for Anna.
"I don't think they have anything bigger than this," he says holding the penguin out to her with one hand. "If I find one, though, I'll make sure to get it."
He's so thoughtful and selfless, thinking less about the victory and more about whether the prize is big enough or not. Anna's tentative to take the penguin, thinking that Hans should have it since he won it. But then she remembers that this is a confidence thing, gift-giving is something guys like doing apparently. And maybe she's not the best date in the world, but she should at least be predictable.
She takes the penguin and hugs it tight, the soft material feels nice in her arms. "Thank you so much," she says with a grateful smile, hoping it's enough in return.
"Ah, I've always wanted to do this anyway," Hans replies, nailing the nonchalant thing better than she ever can.
And she looks at him, really looks at him. Looks at his toned physique and how cool he looks with his hands in his pockets. Looks at the way his face glows like an angel from the carnival lights. Looks at his smile, his hair, his jawline, his amber-brown eyes. Looks at it all in the hopes that something gives her that spark, that tightness in her stomach.
And though she smiles, she feels the farthest from happiness as the thing she already knows continues to sink in. Like a dart drilling further into her chest.
Rapunzel and Eugene take their time catching up to them, and the double date continues afterward. They decide on trying out a couple of the rides before getting something to eat, settling on bumper cars and that tower that shoots you up in the air and bounces you around. Here, it was called the "Tower of Terrur". When Anna comments on the odd spelling, the staff told her that the "u" used to be an "o", but it got damaged during transport one day and they never got around to fixing it.
Anna volunteers to be the driver for her and Hans' car, and frankly it's kind of amusing watching him lose his cool as she takes sharp turns and continuously rams into Rapunzel and Eugene's car. She's always a careful driver on the road- and careful about everything else too- but when she's given the chance to let loose, she takes it. And she isn't about to pass on an opportunity to be a total menace without consequences.
Both attractions help in getting her mind out of the gutter for once that night. However, the tower also had the added "bonus" of making her scream her head off. It wasn't the rapid ascent that freaked her out, but how high they actually got. From the ground it doesn't look that high, but when you're up there and you can't feel the floor anymore, and all you can hear is the wind rushing into your ears, it messes with you.
Anna gripped her harness as if she'd fall off if she didn't, and out of a survival instinct she reached over with her other hand to hold Hans'. His smile was a little wider when they got off the ride.
Dinner for tonight consisted of deep-fried food with a side of food that was cooked deep inside a fryer. And soda, which thankfully wasn't fried. Rapunzel and Eugene tell cute stories about their past dates, and Hans speaks a little bit about working at Hillside and- despite Rapunzel's persuading- not confirming any gossip about the staff. Anna, once again, takes on more of the role of listener, laughing and commenting when appropriate but not advancing the conversation much herself.
She'd like to be more of a participant, but too many thoughts started pouring into her mind now that she had settled in for the first time that night. Most of them, of course, having to do with Elsa. And also about how unfair it is for Hans to be here on a date with someone that isn't entirely here.
When he and Eugene step away for a second to throw away their trash and get some more drinks, Rapunzel rests her head against her own hand and looks at her knowingly. "You two are so cute together," she says to Anna.
"You can tell?" Anna asks, hoping her friend will tell her how.
"Totally! You're looking at each other all the time, and you're always so close to him. And oh my gosh the way he smiles at you? I'd be so jealous if I didn't have my own man."
Anna wants to ask how she's smiling at Hans, but doesn't know how to say it without sounding like a fraud. "Well, he is nice to be around," she decides on saying.
If Rapunzel finds that wording suspicious, then she doesn't show it. "I'm just...gah, I'm so excited for you! We've known each other for years now, and I never saw you interested in a guy before. I was getting a little worried."
"Worried I'd never find someone like Hans?"
"Well, that and…" Rapunzel looks uneasy when she shrugs, "...you know."
It doesn't take long for Anna to understand the implication. "Were you worried that I was gay?"
"I…" Rapunzel sighs, "Maybe a little? I'm sorry, I know that I'm your friend and I should never be thinking those things without talking to you first. It's just that it kinda felt like the signs were pointing there. And I know that's a horrible thing to think of, and again I'm so sorry."
"Well, I'm not gay," Anna responds, feeling like she's saying that to herself as much as she is to her friend. She's...well she can't be gay. She's on a date with Hans, a guy. A cute guy. And it's the right thing to do. Yet her uncertainty gets the better of her and she finds herself asking, "But would it be so bad if I was?"
Rapunzel blinks, taken aback at a question she's clearly never expected Anna to ask. "N-no! I mean of course not! Gay people are great, and I respect them. Maybe not so much their choices, but they're still human beings and we should all love them like God loves us. If you were gay, I'd still be your friend. It's just...easier that you aren't? Please don't put me on the spot like this, Anna."
Anna wants to be offended, but she can't. For one, she has no right to be because she's not gay and can't be offended on behalf of a whole group of people she's not a part of. And also because Rapunzel's only saying what they've been taught. Elders, teachers, guest speakers at Chapel, even their own parents have told them how to "love" gay people in a way that doesn't tamper with their faith. If she was in Rapunzel's spot, maybe she'd be saying the same things. And be just as uncomfortable.
She shakes her head, "I'm sorry, that wasn't cool of me to do that. Don't worry, I forgive you. Maybe let's just not talk about this again?"
Rapunzel breathes a sigh of relief, "Agreed. Thanks, Anna, you're the best."
"Ah well...you know me."
Hans and Eugene return shortly afterward, and after another short conversation, they agree to end the night at the Ferris wheel. After waiting an awfully long time in line, they finally make it to the front.
Each cage only holds two people. Rapunzel remarks on how romantic this will be and Eugene jokes that he and Hans should sit together. After settling in, the large wheel once again begins its ascent. The initial jolt up startles Anna, and once again she instinctively grabs Hans' hand.
"Nervous?" he asks.
"No," she lies. "Okay maybe. I might kinda sorta be a little bit afraid of heights."
His eyes widen, "What? Why didn't you say something when we were going to the tower?"
"Because I didn't want to disappoint you guys. Look it's okay, I just have to make sure I don't look down, that's all." It helps a little bit that the wheel does a lot of stops and starts, getting her acclimated to the change in elevation. And to be honest, seeing the city from this view isn't an opportunity she'd want to waste.
Up this high, everything seems so small. She can barely make out the silhouette of Hillside from here, but only because she knows exactly where it is. Streetlights illuminate the dark outlines of the roads and buildings like fireflies, and she can see the full expanse of the forest her family went camping in back when Elsa was in high school and she was in middle school.
Anna was really into bugs that time for some reason, and she and Elsa walked all over those woods turning over rocks and looking inside tree trunks to find as many bugs as they could. It was a wonder they didn't get lost.
She wonders what Elsa's doing right now.
"Hey, then just look at me and I'll help you through it."
Anna blinks, remembering where she is, and turns to Hans. She smiles and says, "Okay."
It's easy to trust Hans, easy to look into his eyes as they travel higher. She still knows that they're up high inside a cage that moves too much for her liking, but part of her knows she'll be safe. The other part of her is left to continue fending off pestering thoughts.
Hans is looking at her too, and he looks much more relaxed. Not that he was tense before, but now that they're truly alone like this, his demeanor changes. It's a drop in his shoulders, a lowering of his tone, a glint in his eyes that keep looking down at her lips. She knows what he wants, but he's enough of a gentleman to ask first. "What would you do if I kissed you right now?" he says softly.
In a rare bit of honesty today, Anna replies, "I don't know. I've never been kissed before."
He looks genuinely surprised. "Never?"
Anna nods, a blush settling on her face, "Is that bad? Don't girls have their first kiss way earlier?"
"No, it varies from person to person. There's no shame in never being kissed before, I'm just surprised. After all, you're beautiful and sweet, your faith is strong, and you're so easy to be around. It's a shame no guy has ever been with you yet."
She laughs, letting out even more of her nerves, "Yeah well…"
"So, would it be okay if I kissed you?"
That's...a lot to think about. And it really shouldn't be. Hans is a sweet, charming guy who really likes her. Except he shouldn't. Tonight, Hans should be here with someone that isn't trying hard to feel something for him. But instead, he's with a girl who's trying desperately to rid herself of the affection she has for her own sister.
Her sister.
Elsa.
She thinks about her face, her eyes, her body, what it might be like to kiss her. What it would be like if this wasn't her trial of faith. What it would be like if Hans was her.
And then she isn't thinking.
She's moving. Forward. Closing the gap between her and Hans, pausing for just a moment, and then pressing her face onto his. It's messy, uncoordinated, and she's pretty sure her teeth bruise the inside of her lip. After being taken by surprise, Hans is quick to reciprocate and thankfully take the lead. Because she knows she's doing this kissing thing wrong.
And she knows that kissing Hans is wrong. But it's a wrong that erases another wrong, and that means it's right. It has to be.
His lips taste like Vaseline.
Chapter 9
Notes:
A/N: I made a playlist for this fic on Spotify btw. I'm not even gonna bother linking it in the FFnet version because that site's so weird with links, so I'll just put it here. Don't worry, it's spoiler-free.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7A72k9SBVOuLNpGlMZS8O7?si=VWO5ngKRSqiXQnG1FK83Jg
Mmkay, back to the incest angst.
Chapter Text
After the carnival, Anna's relationship with Hans becomes much more physical.
Before that, holding hands and snuggling was the most intimate they got, and Anna only snuggled up to him when he asked. In fact the only time she's ever initiated any sort of public display of affection was on the Ferris wheel. But now...
His kisses are intense and rough. Not painful, but her lips do get so sore after each makeout session, which have gradually grown longer and riskier. They only kiss in his car now, after dates and even in the parking lot at Hillside. He says that no one's going to catch them, but Anna's not so sure of that. She still goes along with it though, because that's what good girlfriends do. His hands, firm and commanding, have been in her hair, on her cheeks, and along her neck. But never any lower, he cites the Scripture after every prolonged kiss, saying this is as far as they can go without getting married.
It's not that weird to hear him talk about marriage so early on in their relationship, after all Anna's been around that kind of talk most of her life. Her father proposed to her mother after less than a year of dating, Rapunzel's shown her pictures of engagement rings she loves ("Just in case!"), and her mother's coaxed her and Elsa to take one of Hillside's marriage classes ever since Anna turned eighteen.
She makes no promises to Hans, even changes the subject when he brings up the word "marriage", and it's easy to inadvertently say no to that for now. It's...it's the kissing she can't get over.
As much as she wants it to, it never gets easier kissing him. And it doesn't feel like enough when she's with him. Not in an intimate sense, but in a romantic sense.
When she holds him, there's no warmth. His arms feel like a blanket thrown around her haphazardly. When he speaks of how much he means to her, the words never reach her heart. When they kiss, there are no sparks. She wants to rid herself of the guilt that their relationship is built on a lie by staying with him, to find that spark, but it hasn't come yet which makes her feel guiltier.
It doesn't feel right leading him on like this, and it's best that she ends the relationship before things go too far. But today, that's the least of her worries.
Today, she has to meet with her guidance counselor.
She never did get around to finishing that homework the night that she cried in Elsa's lap, neither did she finish the other assignments due. And now her grades have slipped enough to the point that it warrants being called to his office.
Most of the time, she's fine with meeting Mr. Mattias- in fact sometimes she looks forward to visiting him. He's very kind and wise, talks in that way that makes you feel at ease and confident, like you'd march into battle with him if he asked. But this isn't going to be a courtesy visit, she's never been called to his office for disciplinary reasons.
And as Anna takes a deep breath and knocks on his wooden door- right below the plaque that reads Dr. Destin Mattias- she wonders how much of this meeting will feel like their other ones.
He opens the door with textbook punctuality and smiles at his student (he doesn't teach any of Anna's classes, but she's always felt a student-teacher bond with him). "Anna! So wonderful to see you again! Please come in."
Anna smiles back at him. "Thanks, Mr. Mattias," she says as she steps inside his homely, comfortable office.
It's exactly like she remembers. The lack of light save for the golden glow of his desk lamp doesn't bother her much anymore, although she still wonders how he's able to get any work done in a place without any sunlight- heck, without any windows. The family portraits on his desk are the same too save for a new one of his daughter in a soccer uniform holding a medal with a toothy grin. She settles into her favorite part of his couch, laying one of her legs on the cushions and keeping the other on the floor.
"Did you hear back from St. Joseph's yet?" he asks, sitting back in his office chair.
She nods, "I got past the preliminaries and I need to do the essay next."
Mr. Mattias raises an eyebrow, "Strange. I figured that given your academic record, they would have admitted you outright."
"Yeah well, I guess not." Anna's glad he doesn't bring up that Elsa- one of his past students- was admitted to St. Joseph's a week after sending in her application. "It's okay though, I...like the challenge."
The aging black man chuckles, "You don't sound all that convinced."
"No? Mmkay let me try again." Anna clears her throat and speaks with a comically low and gruff voice, "I'm gonna crush this essay with my bare hands, Mr. Mattias. I'll punch my keyboard and write a beautiful thingie, and I'm going to be the best student that St. Joseph's ever seen."
He laughs louder this time, and so does Anna. It feels good to, well, feel good. If only for a moment.
"Ah, I'm going to miss you, Anna," he says.
"Aww, come on there's still like nine months left in the semester. Don't get too sappy on me yet."
"Fair enough, but only because I have another appointment right after yours anyway." He taps on his keyboard and looks at his screen wearily. "You know why I called you here, right?"
Now Anna's wishing they stayed with the sappy stuff for a little while longer. Of course, one way or another Mr. Mattias was going to get to the point. He's a fairly direct person and was never afraid to show some tough love even to his favorite students. Anna concedes with a sigh, "It's about the homework, right?"
"Partially about that, yes." He leans forward and clicks his mouse a couple of times. "But it's...well, I've gotten a few reports from your teachers. Lack of focus in class, low test scores, it says here you almost spilled acid on your lab partner?"
Anna cringes, "I...yeah, I knocked over a test tube."
"Now remember, all these reports don't come from a place of judgment. Your teachers are worried about you, and so am I. You are and always have been a bright student, and it's surprising to see you struggle like this. Is there anything that we should be concerned about?"
Oh absolutely, but it's not something she can't talk about it with Mr. Mattias no matter how much she trusts him. Her lack of concentration has been killing her. She knows that her performance in school is directly tied with her newfound feelings for her sister, she's spent more time in class pushing down her thoughts instead of being mentally present and it shows. And of course her new relationship with Hans isn't helping.
Which is a horrible thought to have about her supportive, caring, slightly-too-aggressive-at-kissing boyfriend.
Mr. Mattias is expecting an answer, and his Master's in Counseling Psychology means he'll know if she's deflecting, and that'll get them nowhere. Chances are she'll be back here again soon if she does that, which will erode their relationship if she keeps going to his office for disciplinary purposes. Anna feels like she has no choice but to do something she's getting a little too good at: warping the truth.
"It's Elsa," she vaguely confesses. "I was so worried about her while she was on her mission trip, and that just...r-really messed up my concentration. And now she's back and it's been a while since she's been home for such a long period of time, so I've been spending as much time with her as possible until she goes back to college. It's- I mean that...I guess I haven't been prioritizing right."
She gets a sympathetic frown, and it seems like her pitiful truth warping works. "Elsa means a lot to you, doesn't she?" Mr. Mattias asks, and she's not expecting that question to hit her quite so hard.
It's like someone is simultaneously gripping and warming up her heart.
"Of course, she's my sister," Anna replies, keeping her face neutral. And then, realizing that reaction might be too weird, she switches to a smile. But not too big of a smile so as to not seem suspicious. This shouldn't be that hard…
Mr. Mattias nods, oblivious to her inner turmoil, "I understand, you and Elsa have always been very close. I remember when you two were just little girls running around the sanctuary back when Hillside was still at the warehouse. Gosh, that feels like a lifetime ago." He looks up to reminisce for a little while longer, and then looks back at her with a confident nod, "Okay, I'll notify your teachers and tell them that you're dealing with personal issues and that they shouldn't pry. You should be able to finish the rest of your late assignments without being called back to my office."
Anna lets out a sigh of relief and smiles wide at the completely unexpected save from her counselor. She was bracing herself for reprimand, maybe even a mark on her permanent record, certainly not a reprieve and cover story for her teachers. Of course, he doesn't know how much of a cover he's giving her. "Mr. Mattias, you are amazing."
He gives her a humble smile, "I need you to promise me one thing, though."
She nods hard enough to almost give her a headache, "Of course! Anything!"
"Don't let relationships be a hindrance to you. Not even with your sister. If God allows it, you'll both be going to the same university soon anyway, and you know she's always going to want the best for you. If that means spending less time with her, then maybe that's what you need to do." He leans forward and places his hands on his table, his face grows more serious but not condemning. "Focus, put your head down, and make it to the finish line, alright? You're almost there."
Anna wants to joke and say that spending less time with Elsa is impossible since they live under the same roof, but now isn't the time. Because a question has invaded and perverted her thoughts in a way she's never expected.
Has she turned Elsa into an idol?
It's the cardinal sin of all Christians to put any god before God, whether that be a symbol, money, or...or even a person. It's possible that her affection, her disgusting infatuation, has dragged her down more than she knows.
"I understand," she says, a little bit of her despair slipping through her words.
"And don't let Hans distract you from your studies either," he adds, further reiterating the point that everyone from Hillside knows about them. But Anna's head and heart are too heavy to register anything else from this meeting.
It's...tough getting through the rest of the day, but somehow she gets through it.
On the drive home, Hans messages her to ask if she wants to spend some time at his apartment but right now she just wants nothing more than to lie in her bed and shut everything out for a little bit. She responds with something about doing homework and then turns off her phone.
And yes, she knows that Mr. Mattias never actually said she was idolizing her sister, neither did he imply it. This is a revelation she's come to all by herself, and it fits the situation too much for her to ignore. So, she accepts it as truth, even if it doesn't help much. Just because you admit you're colorblind doesn't mean you can finally see colors.
The drive back is long, aggravated by road work and a mindless wrong turn, but she inevitably makes it home. Her body feels heavy and sluggish, like she's been awake for three days, and every whisper that pierces her mind travels down and tears at her insides. She opens the front door, determined to go straight to her room and not leave until dinner time.
But Elsa's there.
Not by the door, but in the living room sitting in front of the TV. The sound of the front door opening gets her attention and she peeks over the top of the couch, her smile growing wide when she realizes it's her little sister.
"Hey, come here!"
Anna should say no, she needs to say no. She shouldn't keep putting offerings at the altar. But Elsa's looking at her eagerly, innocent to this all, and to disappoint her right now would hurt Anna's already bruised heart. She blinks and forces a small smile, hoping that their current distance doesn't give away that something's wrong, and she walks to Elsa.
With each step her heart aches even more and her mind screams at her to just go upstairs, but soon she's right in front of Elsa. With only a couch separating them.
Elsa's turned her body completely to lean on the back of the couch, and Anna's standing with her hands gripping the sling of her backpack tightly.
"What's up?" Anna asks, hoping it sounds chipper and upbeat.
"Nothing much, just about to watch a movie. You wanna join me?" Elsa isn't commenting on anything particular about her, which means Anna must be doing well at hiding her anguish. And she asks if she wants to join her, doesn't tell her.
It's an out. This means Anna can say no if she needs to-and she desperately needs to. But Elsa's smiling at her, happiness in her eyes not that different from a labrador greeting their returning owner. Oh wonderful, now she's comparing her sister to a dog. And she's making excuses to keep from saying no.
Again, she decides to go with warping the truth. "I'd love to, but I...I'm really tired and I kinda just wanna lie down. Today was a long day."
That gets the textbook older sister concern on Elsa's face to appear. "Oh no, that's not good. Anything I can do?" Because of course her first instinct is to want to help.
Anna shakes her head, "No, it's okay. Like I said, I...lying down will help."
Elsa tilts her head, "Then why not lie down here then? I can make space on the couch, and I'll get your blanket from upstairs too."
There's that warmth/grip combination on her heart again. "Elsa…" she says softly.
After hearing her name, Elsa's off the couch in a second and walking towards Anna. "Here, let me take your bag. You sit down, and I'll be right back, okay?"
Elsa's fingers make soft, fleeting contact with Anna's shoulder as she takes the backpack off and holds it with both of her hands. And just as suddenly, Elsa's jogging up the stairs, leaving Anna with little choice but to comply and sit down on the couch. Not that she wanted to say no, anyway.
She stares blankly at the Netflix home page until she hears the sounds of Elsa's hurried footsteps down the stairs. With urgency, the older sister rushes back into the living room with Anna's blanket in one hand and her pillow in the other. "Here," she says as she places the pillow on top of Anna's head, "I know the armrest is a little too stiff for you."
Anna takes the pillow off her head and places it on the couch, "Thanks...for that." She considers for a moment to put the pillow next to where Elsa's lap will be but puts it against the armrest instead.
She lies down as Elsa sits back on the couch. "I'll put something on that'll help you sleep."
"I thought you were gonna watch a movie," Anna says.
"I can do both," Elsa replies with an amused grin. She squeezes Anna's ankle and says, "You just rest. Don't worry about me."
It's unfair how soothing and caring Elsa can be without even trying. She typically doesn't do big, grand gestures like Anna, with Elsa the care comes from the little things. Grabbing blankets, hand squeezes, soft yet kind words. And before you know it, those little things begin to add up and become the one thing that Elsa knows how to do better than anyone: love.
Anna just wishes that love wasn't misplaced.
"Elsa?" she says without thinking.
"Yeah sis?"
The heaviness she's been feeling presses further down, keeping her from even lifting her head to see Elsa's smile. The same smile that always made her knew she would be okay, the smile that would comfort her when she felt this low. The person she'd always come to for help can't help her this time, and yet she's still trying to without being asked.
That's why Anna loves her.
That's why Anna's in love with her.
That's why Anna can't have her.
She rolls over onto her side, gripping the underside of her pillow so tight that can feel her fingernails digging into her palm. Before the tears can fall onto her pillow, she shuts her eyes. She says to Elsa, "Thank you."
"Always," Elsa replies. "Anything for you."
Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. (Colossians 3:5)
Chapter 10
Notes:
A/N: Don't know if this warrants a content warning since y'all knew what you were getting into when you clicked on this fic, but this chapter is going to be especially theology-heavy. Lotta God talk in this one, lotta Scripture references. If that makes you uncomfortable in any way, then I'm sorry but Anna's going through a lot and she kinda needs this.
Reminder, I make no formal stance for or against Christianity. I'm just trying to tell a story.
Chapter Text
Anna doesn't like moping. Especially when it comes to things that she can control. She's always taken sad stuff in stride, even as a kid, and she doesn't like that this attraction is getting in the way of that. So yes, maybe her feelings for Elsa haven't gone away yet, but to idolize her is something she refuses to do. And something she can definitely change.
But after scouring Google and looking through her notes and assignments, the question of whether or not she's turned her sister into an idol still remains unanswered. She needed another perspective. Elsa was an easy first choice to talk to, but Anna's trying not to spend so much time with her like Mr. Mattias said. Even though it hurts to not be around her sister, Anna does need to keep her focus on school if she wants to finish the semester strong.
Her parents are automatically out because she knows they're going to pry too much. Pastor Tom is her third choice, but he's probably too busy to answer such a silly question. Which means she has no one else to turn to but Hans.
Which is an awful thought to have about her boyfriend, obviously, but he's been really pushy lately about spending some "alone time" and it's exhausting for Anna to keep reinforcing her boundaries. Other than that though, things are going great. Well, as great as they can for a relationship she's still struggling to find the spark in.
Anna: Hey, can we hang out tomorrow after school? I need to talk to you.
Hans: ??? Is everything okay?
Anna: Yeah. Oh sorry, no I'm not breaking up with you! There's just something that's been on my mind.
Hans: Oh phew. Okay sure, I'm off tomorrow if you want to come over.
Anna: Could we meet at the coffee shop?
Hans: If that's what you want.
Anna: Thanks [Smiley Face Emoji] I'll see you tomorrow!
Hans: [Kissing Face Emoji]
Anna hurries over to the coffee shop right after school. When she tells Rapunzel that she's meeting up with Hans, her friend says that they should go on another double date soon. Anna makes no promises.
She's just pulled out her notebook and set it down on the table- their table, as Hans cheekily put it- as her boyfriend strolls in wearing an aggressively casual outfit of sweatpants and a St. Joseph's hoodie. "Hey babe!" she exclaims like a ventriloquist's puppet.
Hans raises an eyebrow as he sits down, "Someone must be in a good mood."
Not really, but he doesn't need to know that. "Well I finally submitted an essay for English that was due a week ago, so I'm trying to ride that high for as long as I can." Slowly but surely, she's picking away at the mountain of work she's made for herself.
"That's great news!" Hans reaches out to hold her hand, and Anna jumps at the suddenness of his movement. "But that can't be the only reason you wanted to talk to me, right?"
"Ugh, if only," Anna says while rolling her eyes. "No, I...actually had a theological question that's been bugging me. I was hoping you'd help me out with it?"
"Sure. Anything for you."
Anna feels a tug at her heart when he says those words. She gets excited at first, thinking it might finally be love making its way through her, but then she realizes that's not the case. Anything for you? Those are Elsa's words. And her heart recognizes the familiarity of them, but not the voice. Next time, she reminds herself with disappointment, maybe next time her heart will finally beat for Hans.
She opens her notebook, trying to wave away those thoughts. "It's uh...it's about idolism."
Hans' eyes light up, "Ooh, that's a heavy subject."
"Ha. Yeah. It's a real doozy."
"What about it?" Hans asks as he leans back in his chair.
"Well, there's obviously a lot of examples of people in the Bible worshipping statues and other gods, and especially in the Old Testament some of the Israelites revered the Judges as their saviors. But I'm having a hard time finding an example of a specific person being idolized by another person." Her notebook is filled with frantic writings about sermons she's heard in the past year. She has to flip through many pages to get to a blank one. "Do you know of any?"
"You mean like a celebrity? Or a prophet? I mean off the top of my head, I could make some sort of argument about John the Baptist being idolized." One thing that Anna can definitely appreciate is his eagerness to always talk about Scripture. He always speaks just a little bit faster and his eyes are always just a little wider when the Bible comes up, and she's been told that her voice and eyes do the same.
"Eh not exactly," she replies apologetically. "I was thinking more like a loved one. An object of affection."
Hans nods and looks up, really thinking about this question. Part of Anna hopes this will be a short conversation and that they never have to breach it again, but another part of her hopes this discussion takes time so that she can be fully assured that she's not committing a cardinal sin.
After a few more seconds, Hans takes a long, exaggerated breath and says, "Wow, that's actually a tough one. I'm trying to think of a story or a verse and right now, I've got nothing."
Anna frowns, "I was afraid of that."
"Why the interest anyway? You sure everything's okay?"
"Yeah, don't worry. I...it's part of my essay. For St. Joseph's," she lies. "The prompt is on idol worship."
"Oh wow, they're really diversifying," Hans says without questioning her motives anymore. "Well there are definitely examples of people in the Bible going to crazy lengths for the people they love. Jacob worked for Rachel's dad for 14 years before he could marry her. Joseph took Mary all the way to Egypt so they'd be safe from King Herod. And of course there's the whole book of Ruth."
Anna scoffed, "Ruth…"
"What? You don't like the book of Ruth?" Hans says with an amused smile.
"Eh."
"That's gotta be against the rules, right?! It's one of the greatest love stories in the Bible!"
Anna gags, "People always say that, but like I don't see it! At all! A girl works in a field collecting scraps, falls in love with a guy she's seen once, and tries to get his attention by sleeping by his feet like a dog? Oh yeah that's super romantic."
It's now Hans' turn to scoff, "It's a story about loyalty! And respect! And finding love after devastation!"
"It's hokey! Plus he proposes with a sandal! I've never heard of a girl fantasizing about their boyfriend getting down on one knee and presenting them with a stinky slipper."
"Hey, traditions were different back then." Hans argues this last point and then puts his hands up. "But fine, I guess to some people's interpretations, Ruth's story might not seem very romantic."
"Because it's not." Anna has also leaned back in her chair along with having her arms crossed, and while her words might seem a little scathing, she's actually enjoying this conversation. Bantering with Hans, talking about their opinions on the Bible, it brings her a bit of joy. He's smart, opinionated, will call her out on her hot takes. In another time, another life, they probably would have made really good friends.
But they're not. They're dating. And it sucks.
That guilt-ridden thought dampens her mood quickly, but she hides behind her smile because right now isn't the time or place to cry. Besides, she can't mope over things she can control, right?
"Anyway…" Hans exclaims, "To get back on topic, the Bible definitely has examples of what romantic love is and isn't. Now obviously the love Jesus has for us- and the love we show for him- are a different kind. The most important kind. I think that as long as that love for Jesus is intact, it's hard to really fall into idol worship."
"But when you've...fallen for someone," Anna feels like she just swallowed a fifty-pound dumbbell. This is the first time she's verbally implied she was in love with her sister. "How do you know the difference between infatuation and idolization? I feel like it'd be easy to mix those two up."
"Maybe," Hans says without any trouble. "But I think that just comes from the fear of being in love. It's scary how much you change when you're around the person you're in love with, and sometimes you can get too caught up with thinking that means your life revolves around them now."
"Do people really change that much when they're in love?" Anna says before realizing that this question has no theological basis to it.
Hans doesn't seem to catch that, however, already putting on that knowing smirk she's seen a few times before. "From experience? And from what I've heard? Absolutely. But that's not necessarily a bad thing, sometimes that change might be exactly what you need. That's one of the things that makes love so special: it makes you want to be a better person. Not just for the person you're with, but for you."
Anna doesn't have to think too hard about whether or not Elsa's made her a better person. The answer is an emphatic yes. "But...shouldn't God be enough for that? Shouldn't you strive to be a better person for him?"
"Of course."
"Then wouldn't that mean you're putting your romantic partner on the same pedestal as God."
"No, I wouldn't say that."
"Then what's the difference?" Anna has to try hard to keep from raising her voice out of exasperation. It's not Hans' fault that her big question hasn't been answered yet, but she was hoping it wouldn't take this much thinking about. The page in front of her remains blank as she realizes she's been too enamored with talking about this to write anything down.
Despite all this, Hans has kept his composure. He's even placed his hands in the pocket of his hoodie to show how non-stressed he is about this. "Well think about how God is supposed to function in your life, aside from being the whole purpose of it obviously."
Anna bites her tongue and nods, thinking it's best she doesn't say anything else for a little bit.
"He's the one you go to for guidance, first and foremost you turn to him when times are tough and when times are good. Right? Sure, you can go to people for help but we're fundamentally human and will make mistakes. The one who's never wrong is God."
Anna nods again.
"He's also the guy who dictates your life, your morals, your outlook. If you turn to a human for that, if you're only happy when they're happy, then you stop becoming your own person. You devote your life to their wellbeing so that you can feel good too."
Anna considers that briefly, thinking of any times she's refused to be happy because Elsa wasn't. Sure there were times when she wanted to cheer Elsa up when she was sad, but...she can't think of any time when she put her own happiness on hold to make Elsa happy.
"And God is the one thing in this life we can't live without. How many verses in the Bible talk about how God is enough even when we have nothing? If we replace God in that statement with a person...well I think that's a definite indicator that you've made them an idol."
This is the one that Anna definitely has to stop and think about. Would her life have no meaning if Elsa wasn't around? Well of course she would be devastated, but...but she spent the last three years having Elsa only be around for a couple of months at a time and she's turned out just fine.
Even when she first realized she had feelings for Elsa, they weren't a full-blown obsession that took over her life. They distracted her, obviously, and the thoughts definitely became much more rampant leading up to Elsa coming back from her mission trip, but they weren't thoughts she willingly entertained. And Anna thinks it's because of her effort to try and control them that's ensured they don't completely take over her life. Distracted her from her schoolwork? Yes. Made her second-guess every interaction she has with Elsa? Absolutely. Caused her to get into a relationship with someone that should have remained a good friend? Unfortunately yes.
But did she really idolize Elsa? Well, it's Hans' final point that helps her answer that.
"I think the one thing you really need to consider is this: Love is rough. It's messy, and not always fireworks and ice cream, it's work. Even the love we have for God is work because it's a relationship we want to pursue. But that's what makes the love worth it. With an idol...you don't get that. You don't want the bad times, you only want the benefits, the joy, the good parts. Love is work, idolatry is endless gratification."
Finally, Anna feels compelled to write something down. She hastily scribbles that last statement into her notebook, knowing that she'll always remember the other things Hans said. And right underneath that quote, she writes in big letters: LOVE =/= IDOLS
If she wasn't so worried about raising suspicion, Anna would have let out a sigh of relief. She might have a lot of things to worry about when it comes to her unnatural attraction to Elsa, but idolizing her isn't one of them. She would thank God if not for the irony of doing so.
"Does that help?" Hans asks.
Anna nods, "It really does. Thank you."
He gives her a smile, genuine and relieved, "Well I'm glad. Is there anything else you want to ask?"
"No, this helps out plenty."
"Awesome! Well I mean if you're not busy or anything do you maybe wanna…"
Right...they're dating. And after all this time, he still gets nervous asking to spend time with her. Except when it comes to kisses, he never really asks for those he just gets them. Sometimes takes them.
But the nagging thought that they should have remained friends, and with all this newfound information of idolatry, has Anna feeling like they should end this "date" now. Or whatever she wants to call this thing they did today.
Anna leans across the table and kisses Hans, "Sorry babe, I wanna get this essay done while this information is still fresh in my head."
"Oh. Okay." Hans tries to look surprised, but he can't hide the disappointment that comes with it. "Well at least text me when you get home?"
"I will, don't worry." Anna puts her notebook back in her bag and stands up. She squeezes his shoulder and smiles, "Thanks again for helping me, you're a lifesaver."
"I try."
Later that night, after another dinner where her parents tell more than ask to formally meet Hans, Anna's left feeling much less sure of herself.
So she isn't idolizing Elsa, at least from what Hans inadvertently tells her, but that doesn't change the fact that she's still in love with her. The short-lived relief she felt was also undeserved, and now...what?
She doesn't know, and it's frustrating. More than frustrating, it's irritating. Like she has some sort of sickness that dozens of doctors can't explain much less understand, and she's stared up at so many hospital ceilings and she just wants out. Diagnosis or not, treatment or not, she just wants to be free.
And no amount of note-taking or rationalizing is going to do anything about this. So, she does what she should have done a long time ago.
She sits on her bedroom floor, back against her bed, and lets out a deep breath, "Okay God...let's talk."
Anna's prayed hundreds of times, but they've always been tradition-heavy, formulaic, like she has to say these certain things in this certain order. And for years, that's brought her comfort because she didn't have much to ask from God. But the formula wasn't working, not for this. She's been told many times that prayers should be conversations you have with God, like ones you have with your best friend, but that idea's never sat well with her. Because God wasn't just a best friend to her. He was the one with the answers, a source of comfort, a guiding light. He deserved more respect and grandeur than a casual talk.
But she feels like she's out of options, and maybe this could help and maybe this won't. She has to try.
She looks up, but not at anything in particular. "I know you and I don't usually talk like this, it probably feels weird not hearing me start off by talking about your blessings for like five minutes straight. It definitely feels weird for me. But I...I'm feeling a little desperate here, you know? And I need some answers. Th-that's not me demanding anything from you, sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just stuck, and you've never steered me wrong in the past and I could really use your help with this."
She takes another deep breath as her heart starts beating faster. "God, I can't even say it out loud," she says with a nervous laugh. "I-I'm scared of anyone overhearing me, you know? Please don't force me to say it out loud, I'm already kind of a mess as it is."
She goes silent as if waiting for a response. But there's nothing except for the sound of her uneasy breaths and the soft buzzing of the suburban streets.
"Please give me something, God," she continues. "You know what I'm going through, like...you have to. I mean you were never in this kind of situation, but you know pain and you know what it feels like to be lost. Can you please tell me what I have to do to get rid of these feelings? These thoughts, I-I know they're very wrong, and I want them to go away and they won't. Can you at least tell me why they won't?"
More silence.
"Please...can you tell me anything?"
By now her labored, uneasy breaths have given way to tears she promised earlier in the day not to shed. They run down her cheek and onto her puffy pajama bottoms. But she doesn't break, doesn't completely give in to the all-too-familiar dread. She keeps her eyes up, blinking the tears away.
"Right. No, you're right this is my problem. I got myself into this mess and I need to get myself out of it. I just need to keep thinking about what to do. Sorry to bother you, uh...and for taking your time. Um...amen? Amen. I guess. Yeah, sorry again."
Anna takes a little longer to stand up. An unfinished math assignment lays on her desk, but she can't seem to find the energy to finish it. Not tonight, at least. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe everything will be better tomorrow. Maybe she'll have the answers tomorrow.
She turns off the fanlight and slips into bed, wrapping herself tightly in her thick blanket. She never realized just how quiet her room is until now.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. (Deuteronomy 6:5)
Chapter 11
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
"You're looking at me again."
"I'm always looking at you."
"Yeah but you've got work to do."
"And what if I want to kiss you instead?"
Anna looks up from her laptop and gives Hans a small smile, "I've got work to do too."
Hans scoots closer to her on the couch. They're the only ones in the Bible study room for the time being and the overhead lights above them are the only source of light in the otherwise dark space. Hans is putting the finishing touches on his lesson for tonight and answering emails, and Anna is chipping away at her mountain of overdue homework.
To her credit, she's been able to get a decent amount of it done thanks to severe tunnel vision and not spending time with anyone outside of school. This does include Hans for the most part, who's been understanding of her school struggles and this is the only time they've seen each other in a week.
However, this includes Elsa too.
Every day for almost a week now, she's stuck to the same ritual. She gets home from school, eats something, locks herself in her room to do the homework that's currently due, walks downstairs during dinner time to drink some water, gets lectured by her parents for not having dinner with the family, goes back upstairs feeling like a horrible daughter, and then locks herself back in her room to do the homework that's been due for weeks. Somewhere in this hectic schedule, she also finds time to pray/beg God to give her a word, a sign, something that will finally give her the peace of mind she needs.
But there's just silence. It's always silence.
Every night, however, Elsa never fails to knock on her door after dinner wondering if she wants her to bring some food, or if she just wants to talk, and it takes so much effort for Anna not to say anything. Because she knows that once she says anything, she won't be able to stop herself from reaching out even more to Elsa. And she won't put the burden of her shameful troubles on her sister.
Tonight, she catches a little bit of a break mentally. It's the first time in a while that she's felt "normal".
She didn't wake up this morning with tears on her pillow. She was able to focus during school and didn't feel a dark rain cloud following her around. And with her good- well, passable- mood, she feels like she can spend some time with her boyfriend. Which he's all-too-eager to take advantage of.
"Come on, just one kiss?" He coaxes.
Anna knows that he doesn't need to convince her. They haven't seen each other in a bit and she feels like she owes him something. Good girlfriends don't just leave their man hanging, right? She closes her laptop and looks into Hans' eyes, suggestive and yet certain that something will happen, and she leans forward to give him what he wants.
When the kiss goes on for longer than expected, she reminds herself, again, that this is what good girlfriends do. It doesn't make kissing any easier, but this is more for Hans than it is for her. So, she tries not to mind that she's not getting as into it as he is. Tries not to mind when Hans' tongue swipes across her lips. Tries not to mind when he leans forward, puts one hand against the couch and the other on her waist.
Because this is for him.
And maybe the longer she lets this go on, the easier it'll be to start liking it.
Hans only stops kissing her when his hand has somehow found its way just behind the hem of her shirt. He looks like he's about to say something, but Anna smiles and beats him to it. "This feels like more than one kiss, mister."
Hans still hovers above her, their lips just an inch apart. Gone is the coy, confident look she's so used to seeing, and in its place is this...it's something she can't quite understand. Like this contained darkness, frustration covered thinly with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. "Sorry," he says but it doesn't quite feel like he means it. "Guess I got a little carried away."
And for the first time in their relationship, Anna finally allows herself to feel uncomfortable. It's never a good feeling, but she also kinda likes it. She feels comfortable with feeling uncomfortable.
Bible study is starting soon, and any minute now someone can walk through the door. She places a hand on his chest and says, "You should probably finish prepping for tonight."
Hans blinks and shakes his head, the darkness leaves his eyes. "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea," he says, sounding like his normal self again.
They go back to their respective sides of the couch, Anna pulls down her shirt and wipes her lips with her arm. For some reason, she can't focus on her New Testament homework anymore. Thankfully, it's not too long before there's a knock on the door.
It's 10:30 PM that same night, Anna's been trying to sleep for...gosh, who knows how long. But it's looking like it'll be one of those nights where her mind is going to keep her awake for as long as it wants to. After tossing and turning so much that she's actually worked up a sweat, Anna decides to use this time to at least be productive.
She walks to her desk, opens up her laptop, and navigates to the document containing her St. Joseph's essay. Maybe she can add a few more words to it.
Throughout my life, I've always felt God calling me towards…
And that's all she has so far.
Writing this essay should not be difficult. After all the sermons she's heard and the things her mentor back in fourth grade taught her, knowing her calling should be as easy as saying her ABC's. But it isn't, it never has been. She can't remember how many times she prayed to God as a kid and waited silently for him to say anything about her calling, she even tilted her head so that one ear was pointed at the sky to hear him better.
Which now explains why she had neck problems in elementary school.
She's volunteered for every ministry at Hillside, researched different fields that you could go into with a Theology degree, wrote countless prayer cards seeking a revelation, and still...nothing.
Now, finally facing one of the simplest questions in the universe, Anna's drawing a blank. She put her head in her hands and mutters to God once more, "Please give me something…" Again, no response, but she thinks she understands why.
It's not a head thing or a hearing thing, it's a heart thing.
God sees what's in her heart (the lies, deception, incestual feelings) and knows she won't be worthy of his calling if she hasn't gotten rid of that sickness, that bile. It could be that God is looking down at her, leering at his child for not doing what's right. But how is she supposed to know what to do if God won't even tell her that?! It's confusing and frustrating, like a Rubik's cube where the colors change every five seconds. And all she can work with is what she already knows.
She states the obvious to herself first: her relationship with Hans needs to end, and it needs to end soon. For far too long, she's been lying to Hans and she's been lying to herself that one day she'll feel something for him. It's been more than a month, and no amount of kisses, dates, or fabricated flirtatious text messages will change that.
But what about Elsa? Again, it's not like she wants these feelings, she would be just fine thinking of her sister as only her sister. But what is she supposed to do when simply looking at her turned her insides into jelly? Even the brief moments she's gotten to see Elsa this week, and hearing her voice through the door, are more than enough fuel for the fire that won't die out.
She doesn't have the luxury of waiting this out to see if the feelings will go away, there isn't time for that anymore. But maybe there's time to...finally talk about this.
Maybe it's time to do the craziest of crazy things she's ever done, and talk to Elsa about her feelings.
If there's anyone that can even remotely understand what she's going through, it's her sister. She's always trusted Elsa to keep her deepest secrets. And she can't think of anyone easier to talk to, and who knows exactly how to comfort her whenever she needs it.
But what would she even say? "Hey sis, I've fallen in love with you and now God's angry with me"? How does she approach this without making it sound like it's Elsa's fault?
They've been through this kind of thing before. The blaming, slinking away into locked rooms, long periods of time without a substantial conversation. But back then it was Anna who had to worry about Elsa. That was only three years ago, and now...it's hard knowing what Elsa must have felt. If this is anything at all like Elsa felt.
To this day, she still never asked Elsa what she went to therapy for.
Suddenly, a shuffling noise, like the sound of sliding paper, pauses her thoughts. Anna jumps in her seat. Any chance of the sound being the wind from her open window is nulled when she hears muffled footsteps walking away from her door.
Someone's still awake- no, Elsa is still awake. It has to be her, their parents never stayed up past 9.
Anna quietly stands up and walks over to her door. Sure enough, there's an envelope on her floor with her name on it. In Elsa's handwriting. Tentatively, she picks it up and walks back to her desk so that she can see it better.
It's closed but not sealed, and there's a tiny heart nestled by her name. There are two pieces of paper inside the envelope, one is a letter and the other is a sketch of Anna dressed up in winter gear, holding a penguin in her mittens. It's beautiful.
She holds the letter in her hand gently like it will crumble if she grips it too hard. Judging by the sketch, what's written is probably nothing to worry about. But it can't just be a spontaneous "Friendly reminder that I love you" letter either. Her avoidant behavior looks to have finally caught up with her.
For a second, she considers not reading it. But it's from Elsa, and if she took the effort to draw her something, then she had to have put even more effort into the letter. With a deep breath, she unfolds it and reads.
Anna,
It's okay not to be okay, it's okay to need your space.
I know that whatever you're going through isn't going
to break you because you've always been the strongest
one out of the both of us. Mentally, emotionally, and
yes even physically. I still need to get you back for that
time you picked me up and threw me into a pool.
You're a fighter, but that doesn't mean you have to
fight alone. You have me, you've always had me,
and you know that I'll drop everything and help you
if you just ask. You're my sister and I miss you.
Please don't make the same mistakes I did. If
you ever want to talk, my door is always open.
Except when I'm changing haha. That was a
joke, I mean my room will be locked when I'm
changing but I figured that maybe it's been enough
time since that...incident that we can laugh about it.
Gosh I really hope you're smiling right now.
I'm always here for you. I love you.
- Elsa
Anna folds the letter back up and places it back in the envelope. It doesn't feel any less frail in her hands after reading it. The words are so simple in their caring, so obvious in their empathy, but they still make her eyes water and her chest tighten.
Part of her wants to go to Elsa now, seeing if she's still awake. She wants to spend the rest of the night saying she's sorry, hoping that's what it will take to feel God's forgiveness. Of course Elsa will forgive her- in fact, she'll probably say there's nothing to apologize for- but she won't know why Anna's really sorry.
Maybe it's not a good idea to confess anything to Elsa. Maybe there's no one that can help her out of this but herself. Her sister's words are supposed to be encouraging, but instead they reinforce the futility of her efforts. No matter how hard she tries to distance herself from Elsa, she'll never let her go too far. So, instead, she accepts it. Accepts everything.
Anna shuts her laptop, pushes the envelope aside, and closes her eyes. And she prays again. Hopelessly, incoherently and desperately, but it's all she can think to do right now.
"God, I don't care if you can hear me or not," she says in a harsh whisper. "...but Elsa is the best gift you've ever given me. Feelings or no feelings, just please don't take her from me."
And when her sin becomes louder than her prayers, that's when she finally gives in to the tears.
We know that God does not listen to sinners. He listens to the godly person who does his will. (John 9:31)
Notes:
A/N: One day, there will be a chapter that doesn't end with Anna being sad as fuck. This is not that day. However, for those wanting some more plot progression and less depression, that starts...pretty much now.
Chapter 12
Notes:
A/N: Ayy who ordered the Sisterly Bonding with a side of Incest Guilt?
Chapter Text
Somehow, despite getting maybe four hours of sleep, Anna feels...awake? Or at least her mind is. Physically she feels like she's walking through jelly, and the bags under her eyes are at a color that not even makeup can conceal. But with her surprising amount of clarity, she declares two things: she can't avoid Elsa forever, and she needs to break up with Hans before the end of the week.
The latter feels much easier to handle than the former…
And yet Elsa is the one she chooses to tackle first, almost literally. After an uneventful day at school, she drives straight home with a loosely-held-together plan to reconcile with her sister. They haven't had a substantial conversation since Anna cried in her lap, and it's not from lack of trying. At least not on Elsa's part.
She always asks how school went every time Anna comes home, and she usually mumbles out something that sounds like "Good". Expectant, hopeful eyes from her older sister haven't been successful in getting her to disclose anything else. Anna hasn't even tried to smile when she comes home anymore, figuring that Elsa knows her well enough to see if she's faking happiness that it's pointless to convince her otherwise.
And yet Elsa persisted, trying but not prying to hear more from her younger sister. Lately, she's also been finding chocolate on her desk when she comes home from school, small pieces like the ones you give children on Halloween. Or to the kids at Hillside during the Harvest Festival. She finds sticky notes with encouraging words and Bible verses on their bathroom mirror. More than once, Elsa's offered to drop her off and pick her up from school.
The letter wasn't Elsa's only attempt at reaching out, but it was by far the most direct.
Anna still feels like tearing up whenever she thinks of those three words: "I miss you." Even if the scathing voice in her mind continues to condemn her for falling for her sister, she fights through those thoughts. Because she misses Elsa just as much as she's infatuated with her.
She hastily parks on the curb, slings her backpack over her shoulder, and makes it to the front door like it'll disappear if she isn't fast enough. After fumbling with her keys and nearly dropping them, she takes a second to reset herself. It won't do her any good if she's a blubbering mess in front of Elsa. She wants to sound confident- or at least sure of herself to the point that she can have more than a five-word conversation.
Successfully finding the right key, she opens the door and steps inside her uncomfortably quiet home. The living room TV isn't on and there aren't any signs of her sister being here save for her shoes by the front door. It disappoints her more than she's expecting when she isn't greeted by Elsa's smile and her asking how school was.
Thinking she must be in her room, Anna kicks off her shoes and walks up the stairs, nearly tripping over herself when she gets to the top. Would it be better if she took her backpack off first and then walked into Elsa's room? Or should she go to Elsa now? Did it matter? Why is she overthinking this?
Anna decides on making the quick detour to her own room first, unlocking it and then tossing her bag onto her bed. And then, since she was already here, she slipped off her socks and unbuttoned her jeans to change into a comfier pair of shorts. She thinks maybe she should slow down a little bit while taking off her pants so she doesn't trip over herself-
"Anna?"
Already on one leg, Anna yelps and tries to turn around to face her sister. And instead, she trips over herself, sending her tumbling off the foot of her bed and onto the floor.
She doesn't know what hurts worse: her tailbone or her pride.
Elsa's hurried footsteps draw closer as Anna's mortification grows stronger. Here she lays on the floor, jeans pulled down to her knees, with her sister looking at her like she's died. Which, in a way, she kinda has.
"Oh my gosh, Anna! Are you okay?!" Elsa sounds almost hysterical, hand on her heart and unsure whether to get any closer than two feet in front of her. Her hair's down and splayed across her shoulders, and she's wearing her old PE shorts and a wrinkled gray shirt that shows off much of her collarbone.
"What? Oh, uh yeah. Yeah, I'm good. I just…" Anna sighs, "Gimme a second."
"Do you need help?"
"No! I mean no, I got it." It's bad enough that Elsa has to see her in such a helpless and hopeless state. Part of her wonders if she should stay on the floor for the rest of her life. She snaps out of her self-pity for the moment at least, kicks her legs to get her pants back on, and uses her bed as leverage to stand up. She buttons her jeans back on, even if it's counterproductive to her previous task, and says with a smile like this didn't just happen, "Hi, Elsa. What's up?"
Elsa stammers out things that sound like the beginning of words, it takes her a second and a quick cough to compose herself. "I-I'm sorry I didn't hear you come in. I was taking a nap."
Anna crosses her arms, forcing herself to not be awkward right now. She laughs and hopes it sounds normal, "You shouldn't apologize for napping."
Elsa laughs just as convincingly, "Yeah, that's true."
Unfortunately, this creates a natural stopgap in the conversation. Or maybe it's fortunate for Anna, this wasn't in her broad sketch of a plan but at least she has her sister's attention.
But she's not fast enough to follow up, and Elsa takes a step back. It's hard to tell whether she's embarrassed or ashamed of intruding on Anna's privacy. "I'll...give you your space. I'm happy that you made it home safely."
Instinctively, Anna grabs her hand and says, "Elsa wait." Something about the physical touch sends sparks to her brain that keeps her from overthinking. In fact, she's not thinking much at all when Elsa turns around and she can see the excitement that her older sister's trying her best to hide.
And then, in her state of not thinking, Anna moves in closer and embraces Elsa, hands wrapping tightly around her waist. Elsa's sudden gasp causes Anna to readjust her grip so her sister has room to breathe. She wonders how long, if at all, that Elsa will reciprocate, but it's almost immediate.
Elsa puts her arms around Anna's shoulders, and again...it shouldn't feel this good.
But after all the times Elsa's held her, Anna's mind now associates her with safety, compassion, and the unwavering certainty that everything will be okay if it isn't already.
And despite the huge detour from her original plan, Anna's found a roundabout way to come back to where she needs them both to be. She just needed her sister's attention so she could say something, ask something. Nestled into Elsa, smelling the traces of peach conditioner in her hair, Anna utters, "Could you help me with my essay for St. Joseph's?"
Approaching a confession of her feelings, which she's still debating, is something that will have to be eased into. The main goal is showing Elsa that she's okay and that they're okay. It isn't Elsa's fault that she has feelings for her, and their relationship shouldn't suffer because Anna is a terrible person.
It's why she asks her for help with the essay. Not only does it give them something to work on together to steer them away from tough conversations, but it allows Anna to express explicit gratitude towards her sister for helping her out. Plus, she genuinely does need help on this essay.
She knows Elsa isn't going to forget that her sister basically shut down for a week, but she also knows Elsa will be too considerate to ask about it. Instead, she hums to herself while typing on her laptop, looking genuinely happy to be spending time with Anna again.
"You okay?"
Anna's eyes widen, taken by surprise at how wrong her assumption is. It seems as if Elsa isn't going to let the past week go without asking about it. "What do you mean?"
"Nothing, it's just that you're looking at me. Figured there was something you needed."
Oh, that makes more sense. Anna shakes her head, "No, sorry I spaced out and forgot I was looking at you." She almost adds that she's always looking at her.
Elsa smiles, accepting her response without the least bit of suspicion. "Well focus up for a moment, I want you to check out the list and see if I missed anything."
While Anna was being a braindead potato, Elsa was more than happy to take over the reins on this essay for a little bit. She affirmed and empathized with Anna's struggle to describe her calling and the frustration of being out of sorts with God. And she advised her little sister that when it felt like God was being silent, sometimes she needed to step forward and do something. "Sometimes you're just too far away to hear someone correctly," Elsa said to her.
And even though it's assuring to know that the silence thing is a common problem, Elsa's words inadvertently reinforce Anna's fear that she's too far gone from God. It almost puts her off from even doing this essay, but St. Joseph's is her only route for the future. It's here or nothing in their family. The past three generations are full of St. Joseph's alumni.
Anna looks anxiously at the list her sister titles "Anna's Greatest Hits", a write-up of the traits and gifts that Elsa believes her sister has.
- Compassionate and caring person
- Works well with every age group, from newborns to grandparents
- Incredibly Bible-smart, especially on the New Testament
- Has a wonderful sense of humor
- When she talks, people listen
- Always lights up any room that she's in (sometimes literally, it's why our electric bill's so high)
- Really good at arguing/persuading people
- Is the best sister anyone could ever ask for
"Obviously you don't want to put all these down. It's an essay after all, not a resume," Elsa says. "But I figure if you saw yourself the way I see you, it'd give you a better indicator of how God sees you."
Curious, Anna asks, "Do you see me the same way God does?"
Elsa giggles, "Of course not, that's blasphemy. I'm not God, Anna."
Anna thinks but knows better than to say that Elsa's been showing her more grace than God recently. And then she thinks, why do her recent decisions justify any sort of grace?
Elsa frowns, "Is it bad? You don't look like you like the list."
"N-no, it's perfect. Really, I...wow you've already done more work than I have on this essay. It just feels weird, you know, reading all this nice stuff about me. I don't even know if I agree with anything here." Especially the best sister part. "Wait sorry, that sounds really ungrateful."
"No, this is your life. Your story. The only one that knows you more than you is God. So, if you think I've got some things wrong then I probably do." Elsa puts a hand on her knee and squeezes it, smiling wide to show that there are no hurt feelings. It sends tingles along her entire leg.
Anna rereads the list, wondering if that was really true. Did she know herself better than everyone else? Did she know herself at all? Why couldn't she be as confident in her calling as she was with her romantic feelings towards her sister? "Well…" she starts with the very little amount of optimism she has. "It looks like some of these all kinda point to one thing."
"And what's that?" Elsa asks curiously, hand still on Anna's knee providing a warmth unprecedented on her skin.
"I'm...really good at talking?" Anna replies with a quick laugh.
"I knew you'd realize that on your own. See, you didn't even need me."
"Of course I need you!" Anna quickly replies. Too quickly, if Elsa's widening eyes are any indication. "Don't ever say that. I'll always need you."
The smile that Elsa gives her then is different. Her lips twitch and purse as if she's containing excitement or happiness. And when her sister says "Anna…", it's soft and reserved. There's an overwhelming sense of more in her reaction, she wants to smile more, say more, do more. It's not what Anna's expecting when she gives what she believes to be a huge hint toward her unspoken affection.
When Elsa doesn't say anything else, Anna takes that as a sign to keep the conversation going. Except the logical part of her mind has been overtaken by the emotional side once she sees how her older sister reacts to her previous words. "You're like the best older sister anyone could ask for, so like...yeah. I'd kinda be a wreck without you, so I'm glad you're here."
Elsa's reaction this time is turned up to eleven when she coos and leans forward to wrap Anna up in a tight yet awkwardly positioned side hug. Elsa's arms squeeze her shoulders and her head rests close to her neck. Unsure of what's even appropriate for her to do anymore- even though she surprised Elsa with a hug earlier- Anna lightly pats her sister's forearm.
And even at this moment, one that's more intimate than Anna's making it out to be, Elsa still makes no mention of the past. She doesn't subtly drop any hints that she wants to talk about how Anna's really been doing. And she doesn't make her say anything she doesn't want to.
All Elsa says in this tight embrace is, "I love you so much."
And Anna- stupid, naive, hopelessly in love Anna- allows herself to feel what she feels. Just for a second. For one more second, she turns off her brain, rests her head against Elsa's, and says the words that mean more than Elsa may ever know:
"I love you too."
Chapter 13
Notes:
A/N: Dunno if this warrants a content warning, but this chapter contains a messy breakup. Nothing awful happens to Anna, but if you've ever been through a messy breakup this might trigger some bad memories for y'all.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Anna decides to break up with Hans on Sunday. Again, she only has a broad sense of a plan, but that's better than nothing, right? She'll get his attention after service (which won't be difficult), going somewhere more private, and breaking the bad news to him (which will be very difficult).
It would be a surprise to Anna if Hans didn't see this coming since she's stopped replying to his messages this past week. It's a purposeful decision, she feels sick thinking about leading him along any longer. And responding to his requests to hang out, or reciprocating his flirtations, are things that a more honest girlfriend should be doing. She's not honest, she's a fake. And she couldn't keep being a fake. Although, in hindsight, she at least could have texted some half-baked apology and said she's "just busy".
It's Sunday morning, the big day. Anna sits with her family in their pseudo-assigned seats for service, her parents remarked earlier in the day that it was nice to see her "in better spirits", and Elsa...well, she's not actually here. Not sitting with them anyway.
Today she's on stage.
While they were working on her St. Joseph's essay, Elsa told her that Pastor Tom's given her the honor of speaking to Hillside today in his stead. He says that it'll be a no-pressure kind of thing and that she just has to talk about her mission trip to Ghana, and what it means to be sent out to the world like that. But Elsa's been stressing over it regardless, because she's Elsa.
"Why didn't you tell me about this sooner? I could have helped you!" Anna said to her.
"I didn't want to bother you," Elsa reasoned.
By the time she'd told Anna about it, Elsa already sent the sermon for Pastor Tom to look over and revise. Thankfully, Anna could still help her run through it and give her some pointers about her presentation and posture and all that. Elsa's always been a mess when it came to public speaking, something that came naturally to Anna.
It feels good to not have to take notes for a sermon this time and just listen to the speaker. Elsa looks like she's taking all of Anna's pointers to heart. She's moving around and not gluing herself to the podium, keeping the smile on her face, and emphasizes her main points by speaking slowly and precisely.
"So, what's the benefit of a mission trip?" Elsa asks. "Well, aside from a new Facebook profile picture."
There's a scattering of laughs from the congregation, which is a relief to Anna. She helped write that joke into her sister's sermon, but feared it wouldn't go over well with those listening. Especially the older crowd, who were probably going to tune out when they saw a young lady instead of their regular pastor speaking to them from a point of authority. Elsa, herself, looks relieved to see that the joke doesn't get her booed off the stage, and she continues into her next point.
And seeing her sister in this light does...well it does a lot to Anna. Maybe it's because Elsa's wearing dark slacks and a soft purple button-up which make her look like the most attractive principal ever. Maybe it's the way she walks with purpose and as if she was meant to be on this side of the sanctuary. Maybe it's the familiarity of the words that make it feel like they're the only two people here.
Maybe it's all of these things that finally make Anna realize there's no one that comes close to capturing her heart as Elsa does.
"And maybe you don't need to wait for a sign from God to go on a mission, maybe that doesn't have to be your motivation," Elsa says, returning back to the podium to make her last point. "Maybe your motivation can be something simple as...giving back to someone who can never repay you. I mean isn't that why we're here today? Because someone made a sacrifice for us that we can never repay?"
That gets a lot of nods and sounds of affirmation from the congregation. Anna smiles proudly as Elsa catches her eye. It's not the first time they've subtly looked at each other throughout this sermon, but it's the first time Elsa returns the smile.
Service is over soon after that, not that Anna notices all that much. Since it's the last one for the day, no one's in much of a rush to leave which means there are too many people around Elsa afterward hoping to have a word with her. Which definitely won't sit well with her social anxiety, and that's why Anna nudges past everyone else to give her sister a much-needed hug.
For both of them.
"Thank you," Elsa whispers into her ear.
"You were amazing," Anna whispers back.
It's a bit of a blessing that everyone here knows they're sisters because the people around them react with an innocent "Aww" from their embrace. Even though Anna's hand is pressed right between Elsa's shoulder blades, and her face is buried in the crook of Elsa's neck.
Anna stays by her sister's side for a little bit as she fields questions about mission trips and St. Joseph's specifically. Elsa answers them with ease, with a hand on Anna's lower back for comfort, oblivious to the shockwaves thrumming along Anna's spine at her touch.
It's odd being on this side; usually it's Pastor Tom, and sometimes his wife, who's in front of the stage speaking to the people. But it's Elsa and Anna this time, and despite the circumstances, it feels natural. And Anna could honestly be by her sister's side forever if it wasn't for a certain someone talking to their parents at their seats.
Hans. How did she forget?
Anna squeezes Elsa's arm, "Sorry, I gotta take care of something."
Elsa, who looks like she was in the middle of a sentence, reorients herself and stammers, "N-no that's okay. Yeah go ahead, I'll still be here."
With a smile, Anna leaves her sister be and hopes Elsa's gained enough social energy to last until she's spoken to, it seems like, every old woman in the building. She heads back to her parents with a quick yet non-frantic pace, they're smiling and her mother laughs as Hans says something that's probably a joke. When she gets near, all eyes turn towards her.
"Anna! Hey!" Hans exclaims with what sounds like genuine delight. "I saw your parents here and I felt like it was finally time to introduce myself."
Anna feels more dread than she should when she sees Hans by her parents, which isn't a good thing to feel about her boyfriend. Even more reason that this breakup needs to happen. For now, however, she puts on a happy face in front of her parents so things don't get awkward. "That's great to hear," she says, going with what feels like the most innocent lie.
"It's so lovely to finally put a face to a name," her mother exclaims. "I mean of course we've seen you around, but it's good to be properly introduced."
Anna looks at her father, who gives her a straight-lipped look as if to ask why they haven't met Hans until now.
"Well I'd love to get to know your family even more. Say...over dinner sometime?" Hans looks at the three of them hopefully, his smile growing wider when he looks at Anna. She doesn't return it, in fact her face has dropped at his suggestion and she opens her mouth to protest.
But her father speaks up before she can. "I think that's a wonderful idea. How about next weekend? We can barbecue!"
Anna knows that she needs to stop this before any plans are confirmed, even if it means doing something she was always scolded not to do: interrupt her parents. "Hey, that sounds amazing!" she says with more volume than she needs. "But hey, uh can I talk to you first, Hans? Alone?"
Hans and her mother look at her with surprise, her mother moreso. Her father frowns and says, "Anna, you know it's impolite to interrupt."
"I know, but it's important." Anna feels a weight drop in the pit of her stomach with each word she speaks. She's never talked back like this before, it's terrifying...but also a little bit exciting? That can't be good. As her father's frown grows wider, her unease grows stronger.
Ironically, it's Hans who saves her so that they can move forward with the break-up. He puts a hand behind her father's chair, somehow so at ease being in his personal space, and says, "It's okay, I probably shouldn't be taking so much of your time anyway. And besides, I'm sure Elsa would love to hear from her parents about her sermon today."
Her father nods, not-as-upset with Hans' interruption. "True. Alright, we'll have Anna tell us when you're available next weekend, so we can prepare." He stands up and shakes Hans' hand, making Anna internally cringe at how much they're bonding right now. As if this isn't already enough of a nightmare.
A minute later, after her parents say their goodbyes to Hans (for the last time, unbeknownst to them), she walks hand-in-hand with her boyfriend out to the basketball courts. It wasn't her idea to hold hands, obviously. When she opens the door, however, she's racked with chills colder than the late-morning air around them. And her heart begins to race; similar to the pace when she holds Elsa's hand but it feels worse this time. Like it might just start beating fast enough to explode.
She's never been in a relationship until now, which means she's never had to break up with someone before. And yes it was built on a lie, and Hans will be so much better off without her, but he doesn't know that.
This could have been avoided so easily. But she was stupid, and made bad decision after decision. Now she'll have to needlessly break someone's heart because she failed to feel something she had no trouble feeling for her own sister. And lo and behold, the aggressively strong anxiety that punished her when she first found out about her feelings for Elsa reintroduces itself. There's a seething warmth on the back of her neck even though they're facing the sun, as if God is boring a hole right through her with his righteous gaze.
When they come to a stop by the bleachers, the same ones where Anna yelled at Elsa, Hans takes her other hand in his as well and says, "What's going on, babe? I've been trying to talk to you all week." His words are accusing and concerning at the same time.
Anna winces, "Please don't call me that."
He raises an eyebrow, "Uh...are you okay?"
"Yes. I mean no. I mean...I don't know." Anna pulls her hands away, wrings them together, and spits out the words she wished she never had to say. "Hans, we need to break up."
In an instant, the air grows colder and she can see glass shattering behind Hans' wide eyes. In an instant, his warm, inviting smile goes away and is replaced by a stark look of betrayal. In an instant, she is no longer Anna, the caring girlfriend who's stood by his side for weeks, but instead she is Anna, the villain. The heartbreaker.
In an instant, any confidence she had wanes and is replaced by fear.
Hans stumbles back, "I...I'm sorry what?"
Anna looks off to the side, down the freshly-mown field connecting the church with the rest of the town, an invisible border enticing her to run away from this moment. "I-I'm breaking up with you, Hans," she pointlessly repeats, causing unnecessary damage.
He lets out a pained breath, "Anna, wh-what are you talking about? I thought we were okay."
"Well, we're not." Is she being too needlessly cold? Isn't it bad enough that she's dumping him in the first place? She sighs, but it does nothing to calm her nerves and the creeping sensation that something bad's about to happen. "I'm sorry, I know this is really unexpected, I just- I think this is best."
"But why?"
She should have expected this question. In a way, she kind of was but never found a convincing enough answer to give. The truth would break Hans even more, despite the fact that it would probably make him repulsed by her, cutting this conversation short. Anna doesn't see that happening, however, especially when she sees the tears. Hans' tears. Hans is starting to cry in front of her and is making no signs of trying to hide it.
And if there's ever a time for Anna to be crying too, it's now. But the tears she wants to shed aren't arriving, and she's forced to look emotionless and careless as Hans repeats shakily, "Why?"
Anna looks down at her feet and says with genuine remorse, "I...I can't keep leading you on, Hans. You're an amazing guy, but you and I as a couple just never worked for me. I wanted it to, I really wanted it to, but I could never feel the same way that you feel for me."
"But Anna, I love you," Hans says suddenly, making a difficult situation even more difficult.
For a brief moment, Anna is able to meet his eyes and sees the desperation, the fight he's wanting to give for a girl who doesn't deserve it. And she knows that she has to put the final nail in the coffin. Now.
"I don't love you, Hans," she says. "I-I wish I could, but I don't. I can't."
"Why not? What's so wrong with us? Don't you see how hard I'm trying?"
Anna's stomach tightens. "This isn't about how hard you're trying, I know you put so much effort in this relationship but I can't do the same. I wanted to learn, to feel for you the same way, but I couldn't. It's- we're not meant to be together, Hans. You need someone better for you than me."
And finally, movement. Hans steps forward, quicker than she's expecting, and says just as fast, "But I want you. Anna, I want you."
There's still a couple of feet of space between them, and yet Anna still feels as if the air around her has been taken away. "I don't want you," she replies, wondering if that response is too aggressive.
It's not, and she knows it's not because Hans shows her an aggressive response by taking another step forward and placing his shaking hands on her arms. "No, but I did everything for us. I could have been anything for you. I just want you, Anna, and no one else. I love you, a-and you can learn to love me."
There's still pain in his tear-stained eyes, but accompanying it is this frantic desperation that causes Anna to step back and to feel colder than the October weather allows. "Aren't you listening to me?" she asks with growing discomfort. "I tried to love you, and it didn't work."
"Well, try harder!"
The fear she felt at the beginning of this break-up is nothing compared to the fear she feels with Hans' outburst. She moves back, and that causes Hans to grip her arms tighter.
Alarms start going off in Anna's mind, and she uses all of her strength to push Hans away. He stumbles back far enough to trip against the bleachers. She still steps forward to check on him out of instinct but pulls herself back at the last second. Because she knows that going to him might be a mistake, it might perpetuate a vicious cycle that she can't allow herself to be in. And even though the fleeting thought occurs that maybe that's what she deserves, she stands her ground.
Shaky and still full of fear, but she stands her ground nonetheless.
Hans picks himself up, rubs his arm from where it banged against the metal seating, and he's seething. But where's the pain? What happened to the pain in his eyes?
"It's over, Hans," she repeats softly yet firmly. "I'm truly, sincerely sorry."
She turns around and walks back to the double doors. Hans shouts something about being her everything, but all she hears is her own pounding heartbeat as her pace quickens. No looking back, she tells herself as she pushes the doors open and walks firmly towards the sanctuary again. All while the back of her neck burns with condemning heat.
When she makes it to the sanctuary, sees Elsa sitting on the stage talking to their parents and Pastor Tom, that's when she finally breathes again. Elsa catches her eye immediately and waves at her, melting away everything inside of Anna save for the guilt. She waves back to her older sister.
And everything's okay and not okay, all at the same time.
Notes:
A/N: If this chapter hurt you, join this Elsanna Discord server https://discord.gg/TU9NpnH
I will give you a picture of my dog that will hopefully brighten your spirits again.
Chapter 14
Notes:
C/W: Internalized homophobia and suicidal ideation
Chapter Text
Anna: Needed some time alone. Be back later tonight. Can you tell mother and father I went to Rapunzel's?
Elsa: I will. Wanna talk when you get home?
Anna: Maybe, idk yet.
Elsa: Okay. I love you.
Anna: <3
Twenty minutes from their home, fifteen minutes out of Hillside, and at the end of a ten-minute uphill walk, there is a clifftop known as Lopez Peak: a naturally-formed attraction save for the rope railings and benches assembled at the top. It's a popular tourist destination and general hangout spot because it gives you a gorgeous view of the entire city. Especially at night, when the world lights up and you can see more stars than the specks of dirt underneath your feet.
Anna's been here maybe five times with her whole family, and too many times to count with just Elsa. It's been one of their spots, a safe haven, a place to be outside yourself for a moment. She and Elsa would talk about their dreams, their troubles, what they wanted to be when they were older, where they wanted to go. Who they were secretly crushing on.
This is the first time Anna's been up here alone.
It's late Sunday afternoon, the breakup with Hans happened just a few hours ago. As much as she tells herself that she needs to put it behind her and forget about this strange and painful time in her life, her mind does not let her off so easily. Hans's anguish replays in her mind like snapshots assaulting her vision, his words latch on to her like leeches. She felt so small and helpless in her own home that she needed to get out.
She considered other options before settling on Lopez Peak, thinking the open air and cardio activity will help somewhat. There are others up here as well- the weather's too nice this time of year to not be outside- but she's able to tune them out easily as she walks straight to the edge of the cliff. This, too, is blocked off by rope railings to keep people from falling over, and the rope keeps from clashing with the natural landmark's aesthetic.
The irony doesn't dawn on Anna until she's up here that she went to clear her head in the place where the air is thinner. But then she's just full of bad ideas today, isn't she?
No. She's...she's not supposed to think like that. The breakup is a good thing for them both, especially Hans. He doesn't need someone like her messing with his future, he deserves someone fully committed, someone that doesn't have to second guess every little thing when she's around him.
Despite her attempts at finding peace, this is the thought that replays in her mind. Over and over again, the words "undeserving" and "shameful" float around her like dark clouds spewing lightning and thunder. She grips the rope in front of her so tight that the fibers dig into her skin, thinking it will stop her from falling into a deep pit. But questions keep clawing at her arms and legs, threatening to drag her down.
Was this her only chance at love?
Was she even worthy of having someone love her?
Did she really choose her sister over a man who could give her everything she wanted?
What did she want?
Is she gay?
That last question is the one that really gets to Anna. It's not a new one, obviously, it's just been laying low this whole time waiting to pounce once more. But with nothing to distract her, it sucker punches her. Hard.
Being gay would explain why she never had feelings for Hans, why the only person she's felt any attraction to is a woman, and why she's never bought into the "wife and kids" lifestyle that she sees all the older women at Hillside subscribe to.
But she's not gay- or, well she can't be. It wouldn't be right because...because…
Why can't she think of the reasons anymore? All Anna knows now is that she can't be gay. She won't allow it.
It's not right, she tells herself, because in the Bible...what does it say in the Bible? Leviticus, right? That's where the verse is? Gosh, she should know this, she's done at least twenty assignments on the Book of Leviticus, half of them at least referencing that verse. It had the word "abomination" in it, right?
And Paul, he wrote about it too. He calls it unnatural. That's what Anna remembers: the words abomination and unnatural. Is...maybe that is what she is. Her thought processes are unnatural, her love is unnatural, her confusion over the Christian lifestyle is unnatural.
And that makes her an abomination.
Suddenly, as the rope fibers and sweat mix and irritate her palms, and the city doesn't look so calming anymore, another thought pops into her mind:
Fall.
Step over the railing and fall to the rocky ground below.
After everything she's done, this is what she knows she deserves. It would end the pain, her parents wouldn't have to deal with a disappointment, Elsa would be upset but in time she'd get over it. It would be best for everyone if she was gone. These thoughts whisper into Anna's ear, growing louder and louder, refusing to go away. When it becomes too overwhelming, Anna pushes against the rope, shuts her eyes…
And backs away from the edge.
Several eyes turn to look at her, concerned and confused, as she catches her breath. It isn't safe for her up here, she needs to go.
By the time she walks down from Lopez Peak and gets back on the highway, the sun is already setting. Typically one of her favorite sights, right now it's all just a big blotch of orange with a bright light making it hard to see the road. It'll go down soon, and the night will come alive again, but by then she'll be back home.
She told Elsa she'd be back later that night but after that terrifying moment on the ledge she...well, she doesn't know what she needs right now. But she knows she wouldn't have found it up there. She drives through blurry lanes and quiet Christian music until she approaches a familiar intersection. One more left turn and she's just a straight shot from home. But as she slows down, looking at the red arrow looming ahead, something stops her. No, something pulls her forward. Away from the middle lane, and into the right one.
She makes a sharp right turn as her thoughts try to keep up.
It's another blurry drive, another battle with her anxiety, another long line of unanswered questions, but finally, she pulls into a place she's heard of but never been to before: Natura, an all-ages club.
Five years ago when the club first opened, it was the head of major controversy since it was the first of its kind in the city. There were bars here sure, but never a club. And even though its all-ages monicker meant that liquor couldn't be served, it didn't stop people from being up-in-arms about a place they deemed would tarnish the city's good-natured and wholesome reputation. There were protests, especially on opening night, but the outrage gradually died down over the years. Still, that didn't stop Natura from being a point of gossip for people at Hillside.
The only time she's ever been near the club was on a drive with Elsa. They both wondered aloud what happened inside those dark walls painted with purple lights but never made any plans to go. It just wasn't their thing, they figured.
And now Anna's pulling around back of this perfectly, cube-shaped building, and parking between an old pickup truck, and a neon green muscle car with a bumper sticker that says "Fuck Money". Even on a Sunday evening, the place is packed and she can hear some electronic music track thumping through the walls. She doesn't know if clubs like these have a dress code, but when a trio of older women walk past her in sequin dresses and heels, she feels terribly underdressed in her sneakers, jeans, and emerald-colored sweatshirt.
Underdressed and out of place, she moves forward nonetheless.
Two large bouncers stop her at the entrance and ask to see her ID. She mistakenly pulls out her Student ID at first before pulling out her Driver's License. She's had the piece of plastic for less than three months now, and one of the first things she's doing with it is getting inside a club.
Why is she here?
That's what she keeps asking herself when the bouncers wave her through. That's what she keeps asking herself when the previously muffled music fully assaults her senses as the doors open and she shuffles through a dark, cold hallway. That's what she keeps asking herself when she enters into the unknown.
People pressed together, music with no band, chairs without pews, no corners to hide away in. Here, Anna is no one and there's something much too exciting about that. At the back wall is a large neon sign that reads NATURA IS FOR EVERYONE, and Anna feels drawn to it. Drawn closer to the space where most of the people have congregated. She steps forward with no plan and no reason, soon finding herself at the edge of this dark sea.
But before she can be swept away, a hand lands on her shoulder, soft but firm. Anna turns towards the source of the touch but sees no one. However, when she turns back around, she's startled by the appearance of someone new. Someone also on the outside, but looks to have braved the sea herself recently.
She's as tall as Anna, maybe even around the same age. The roaming spotlights periodically show off her tan skin and long, dark hair. She's wearing a glowing hoop necklace and a tank top, with a shirt wrapped around her waist.
"Hey!" she says, loud enough for Anna to hear her.
"Hey," Anna replies.
"First time?" the woman asks.
"Maybe," Anna says unconvincingly.
The woman puts a hand on Anna's waist. "Wanna dance?"
And maybe, she tells herself, that this woman's just being nice and doesn't mean anything by the request. Maybe she saw a lost soul and her humanitarian instincts kicked in. Maybe she's just being friendly.
But Anna's not confident in that, and she's not brave enough to vocalize her response, so she nods.
That's all it takes, however, and this mystery woman has both hands on Anna's hips now and is pulling her into the crowd. It doesn't take long for Anna to start drowning. The scents, the lights, the music, the bumping of body parts threatens to overtake her, and all she can hold on to is the waist of someone she's said two words to.
But this woman knows what she's doing, leads the dance if that's what you want to call it. It's grinding and swaying of hips, hands traveling up to rest along her shoulders, and Anna doesn't know how this is supposed to feel but she's warm and terrified. It's not like Elsa, she doesn't feel safe with these arms around her. But she doesn't want this to stop.
The woman finally asks her a question that should have been asked a while ago, "What's your name?"
Anna blinks, her eyes continuing to find it difficult to adjust to the flashing lights and colors. But she thinks- hopes- the smile on the woman's face is innocent. Curious. Like she's really interested. Still, she stumbles with her words. "A- my...Joan. My name is Joan."
The woman looks unconvinced but doesn't pry. She just pushes closer against Anna and says into her ear, "You can call me Maren." The words send chills down her spine and end at her toes.
"O-okay…" Anna mutters.
And despite this exchanging of pleasantries, they don't say another word to each other. Anna continues to hold on for dear life, while Maren's lips curl into a smirk. And then, unexpected and unprovoked, Maren pushes her hips against Anna's, presses her forehead against Anna's, brushes her lips against Anna's. Her breath smells like a drink they're not supposed to sell here.
It's an invitation, a gradual lead-up to minutes (hours?) on a dance floor that they've shared together, moving to a song that seemingly never ends. And Anna thinks for a second that this is what she came here for, thinks for another second about what she's trying to prove.
And then Anna's not thinking.
She's kissing Maren with the same intensity of her first kiss with Hans, but Maren isn't as greedy and her lips aren't as rough. She's soft and strong, and Anna's hands clutch the bottom of her tank top while Maren's hands tangle in her hair and find themselves on the back of her neck.
It's relentless and Maren's cherry lip gloss is intoxicating. A bead of sweat travels down Anna's head that's quickly swiped away by an errant thumb; Anna's hands travel unintentionally and she feels bare skin that causes the other woman to gasp into her mouth.
And it feels good.
Really, really good.
And when Maren's hands and start to peek under her sweatshirt, Anna pushes away violently. Maren blinks, her face full of shock as her hands are now grasping at air. Anna wraps her hands around her waist, mumbles an incoherent apology, and makes her way out of the crowd. The music buzzes low and unintelligible against her frantic breathing, and if not for the fiery-red Exit sign, she'd never find her way out of here.
She hurries back to her car, only detaching her arms from her waist when she needs to unlock the door. The muscle car is gone, replaced by a black sedan with a dent on the bumper. When she pulls out of the lot, she almost hits a man also coming out of the club.
And she drives.
Faster than she needs to.
The sun's barely set, darkness still has a fresh coat of paint along the sky.
Home is close, just one intersection away.
One more side street.
One more minute.
But Anna can't make it in time. Not before she needs to pull onto a curb of some house she doesn't even know, blanket herself with the night by cutting the ignition and the headlights. The overhead lights stay on to broadcast her wide eyes and erratic breathing for anyone close to see, but when they finally turn off…
Anna bangs her hands against the steering wheel and screams louder than she's ever screamed before. The hollowness of the car's interior amplifies her voice. It's unrelenting and painful, not solving anything, and it doesn't even feel good.
But she doesn't stop. Not until her throat can produce nothing more than a harsh whisper.
Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. (Romans 1:26)
Chapter 15
Notes:
A/N: Three things before we start. One, yes I did sneak in a tiny, non-endgame bit of Annamaren in here. Sue me, I think it's a cute ship. Two, this chapter takes place over the span of a week so there will be several line breaks to indicate that. I'm hoping things don't get too confusing. And three, about a week back this fic officially hit 5000 Hits on AO3 and that's awesome. Thank you all for tuning into this story every week, I was honestly scared wondering what kind of reception it would get and your comments and support have been overwhelming. I'm both glad and sad that so many people can relate to Anna's struggle, and I hope for anyone that feels lesser than or insecure about themselves because of who they love that you find some solace in the fact that you're seen, respected, and valid. At least in my eyes.
Anyway, no more sappy shit. Let's get back to the depression.
Chapter Text
Monday
"You broke up with Hans?!"
Anna frantically shushes Rapunzel and waves a hand in front of her face. "You don't have to let everyone in school know!" she grumbles, watching as all the heads that turned to look at them gradually go back to their own conversations.
Rapunzel lowers her voice, hiding her sheepish grin with her milk carton. "Sorry, I'm just surprised. This...I don't know, it feels like this came out of nowhere."
"Well...I've actually been thinking of doing it for a while, I didn't want to lead him on any longer." Even though it's the truth, it still doesn't make her feel any less like a scumbag. She sighs and looks at Rapunzel like she just broke her favorite plate, "Are you mad?"
"What? Why would I be mad?"
"Because I know how excited you were about me having a boyfriend. Remember, you wrote down all those cute double-date ideas? I feel like now that I'm single, I'm a disappointment- I mean I disappointed you." Honestly, Anna feels like she's done both.
But Rapunzel's having none of this apology. She coos and moves around the table to sit by Anna's side, enveloping her in a tight side-hug that takes Anna's breath away for two reasons. She's not attracted to Rapunzel, but it's the sheer physical touch of another woman that sends her spiraling back to the events from yesterday. Anna pushes those thoughts aside, reminding herself of who's with her right now and who isn't.
"Anna, I could never be disappointed in you. You're my best friend!" Under her breath, Rapunzel mutters that she's also her only friend. "If I'm upset, it's because you're upset. But don't worry, I'll start drafting a post-breakup plan right away. It's gonna involve a lot of ice cream and burning things."
"Wait what?" Anna says, eyes widened. "Burning what?"
Tuesday
Mr. Mattias leans back in his chair and says, "I'm sure you're wondering why you're here."
Anna nods, already accepting her unknown but possibly well-deserved punishment. "I'm in trouble, aren't I?"
"Actually, it's the opposite." He tosses a piece of chocolate from his desk towards Anna and she catches it in both hands. "You're here because I wanted to congratulate you. Your teachers say your grades have improved a significant amount. I'm really proud of you for putting in the work."
"Oh…" Anna fidgets with the chocolate, not really feeling proud of herself at the moment. "Thank you."
Mr. Mattias waves his hand, "Ah, I always knew you could do it, you just needed some time. Anything that's worth having is worth the time it takes to get it."
Usually, Anna appreciates these nuggets of wisdom and would write them down later on a Post-it note for her desk, but this time it falls on deaf ears. Is Hans not worth having? Is it her? Or is it love?
But this isn't the time to be sad, Mr. Mattias called her to his office to celebrate her achievement, and the least she can do is respect his time. She unwraps the chocolate and eats it, the usual milky sweetness is absent this time around. Still, she smiles like she's enjoying it and responds with, "The math...wasn't fun."
He laughs, "I'm sure it wasn't. Have you heard back about your application yet?"
Anna shakes her head, "I sent in my essay a few days ago, but haven't gotten a response. Is that normal?"
"Perfectly normal. St. Joseph's is a highly regarded university, they have thousands of applications to sift through this time of year. I wouldn't be worried, though. If you're anything like the rest of your family, you're a shoo-in for next fall."
Ah, but that's the problem. She's nothing like the rest of her family.
Wednesday
For obvious reasons, Anna isn't going to be attending Bible study tonight. She's already removed herself from the group chat and unfollowed the study's Instagram account to keep from stumbling on any photos or posts that will hurt her. All while battling the thoughts that she deserves to feel that hurt.
No thought as strong as the one at Lopez Peak has overtaken her, fortunately, but she's still stuck in a constant mental battle. Sleep hasn't come easy these days, neither has eating. Which makes dinner with her family tonight challenging, especially after she breaks the news to her family.
Elsa is surprised, her mother looks visibly hurt, and her father's face twitches into a frown for just a moment before he goes back to a neutral posture. It's her mother's reaction that surprises Anna the most, further reinforced when she's the first one to respond, "Oh Anna, how could you?"
"What?" she and Elsa say at the same time.
Her mother puts down her utensils, unfazed by their outburst. "Hans is such a sweet young man- and a man of God too! How could you let someone like that get away?"
Anna wants to feel offended, but she knows that her mother's words aren't without good intention. She's always stressed the idea of finding a "strong man of God" to both her and Elsa so that they could make them happy and provide for their future families. Her mother was looking out for her future, but the good intention doesn't cut the sting out of those words for Anna. She knows the same explanation she gave to Rapunzel will fall on deaf ears at the dinner table, so she goes with a different approach.
"I've just...got too much on my plate right now, with graduating and all that. And I'm still waiting to hear back from St. Joseph's. I don't have time for a serious relationship and I didn't want to keep leading him on knowing that."
Elsa smiles with great empathy and reaches over to hold Anna's hand. The flashback to Natura is immediate, and she has to fight her instinct to pull away. Elsa's usually comforting touch burns but it's also keeping her together.
"Well, you didn't have to break up with him," her mother reasons. "Just say that you need a break, I'm sure he would have understood."
Ironically, it's her that doesn't understand, but Anna knows better than to say that. In fact, it feels like the right response is to not say anything else. Already shocked to hear that her mother isn't on her side, it feels useless to hope she'll convince her. That hope continues to die when her mother adds, "I think you should give him a second chance."
Elsa, flashing Anna a frown that says she can't believe what she's hearing either, speaks up on her behalf, "Mother-"
But her father cuts her off with a stoic question raised at Anna, "Did he hurt you?"
Anna stiffens up and replies, "N-no. No, he didn't hurt me." She decides against telling them what happened at the bleachers, considering that as an accident. And she refuses to mention the more heated makeout sessions because she brought those on herself. The kissing, while rough, was never painful.
A slow nod tells Anna that her father is convinced. He turns to their mother and says, with a hand gently placed against hers, "Let's discuss this another time."
The rest of the dinner is conducted amidst tense silence.
Thursday
Anna hustles to the pole holding up a basketball hoop, pressing the top of her foot against it to stretch out her calf. She always hates running the mile during P.E., even if she routinely finishes near the head of the pack. Her leg muscles tighten and whine for rest, and when she finishes stretching her calves she slides down and rests against the pole to stretch out her quads.
In the midst of her stretch, however, she's approached by an unlikely and unfortunate visitor. A girl with hair dyed redder than hers, finishing the mile a couple of minutes before, holding out Anna's water bottle for her.
Tentatively, Anna takes it and says, "Uh...thanks Ariel."
The frown on her face says that she's not here to play the acquaintance game, and Anna proves correct in that assumption when Ariel squats down and says, "I heard about you and Hans."
Anna drinks from her water bottle, taking that time to come up with a response appropriate for Ariel to hear. Assuming her intention is all Anna can think to do. "Look, if you want to ask him out, I'm not-"
"This isn't about you," Ariel snaps, making it clear that there's no longer a need for them to be cordial, although it isn't like they interacted much outside of the Bible study anyway. Ariel sees her as the girl that broke her crush's heart, nothing more and nothing less. "He was...a mess. Last night. He ended the Bible study early and kicked everyone out of the room. I don't know what you said to him, but it had to have been really messed up."
Anna thinks for a second that she should fight back, but she can't even look Ariel in her piercing eyes for longer than a second. So, she takes her punishment silently, biting her tongue.
"I'm not asking for your permission for anything," Ariel says, sounding as if she's been personally victimized by Anna. "I just came here to tell you what happened, to show you what you did."
Anna nods, clutching her water bottle in both hands.
"I hope you're proud of yourself," Ariel adds before standing up and walking away.
Friday
Anna continues to reread the email, hoping that the words will somehow change. Hoping that this is just a nightmare. Hoping that she won't have to disappoint her parents one more time this week. But the words don't change…
We have received your application to St. Joseph's University. Unfortunately, at this time we have decided to move on with other applicants. While your academics do meet the requirements for this university, the Admissions Board concluded that your essay did not reflect the kind of student we look for at St. Joseph's. We encourage you to grow stronger in your faith and apply for the Spring semester.
There's more to the email, but this is the part that Anna fixates on. She digs her hands into her hair, mind running amok with too much to handle. All of this is too much.
Anna doesn't have a second option, this was her one and only route. This is all she prepared for, the past three generations of her family haven't gone anywhere else but St. Joseph's. What is she supposed to tell her parents? What was missing from her essay?
What does she do now?
With no answers, and this week already full of more than enough pain, Anna's hope falls to a low that she never thought possible. It comes as no surprise when the tears start falling.
Slowly, gradually, they slide down her cheeks and fall right below her laptop. And Anna wants to break, to spend the rest of her night in bed crying until her eyes are sore, but she's interrupted by a knock on her door.
"Anna?" Elsa says softly. "Can I come in?"
Hurriedly, Anna wipes her eyes and nose with her sleeve, "J-just a second!"
She shuts her laptop before walking to the door, and after taking a deep yet shaky breath, she opens it. Elsa already has a smile on her face, but it descends into a frown when she sees Anna. "Oh my gosh, are you okay?"
"What?" Anna makes a show of running a hand below her eyes, acting surprised when it turns out wet. "Oh, that's not good."
Elsa reaches her hands out, putting one on Anna's shoulder and another on her cheek to wipe her tears. Anna has to remind herself not to pull away. "What happened? Is it…" Elsa lowers her voice to a whisper and says, "Hans?"
"No," Anna responds immediately, even though that would have made for an appropriate cover story. "I...I guess I got a little sad."
"Come here," Elsa says before pulling her in for a hug. "Anything I can do to help?"
Anna wants to say that this is all she needs, but when she feels Elsa's breath on her neck it takes her back. Back to the darkness, the pulsing music, the whispers. Elsa gasps when she clutches the sides of her shirt. "Anna, you're shaking."
Anna sniffles, "Th-that's not good either."
"Why-"
"Just hold me," she whispers. "Please."
Saturday
When Elsa finally gets around to saying why she wanted to talk to Anna, she tells her that they're going to spend Saturday together. If Elsa has her way, she says she wants to spend the whole day together. Anna's mind isn't working enough to come up with any excuse, but she wonders if she'd want to give one anyway. It's been so long since they spent any time together, just the two of them, and she thinks...hopes- with the very bit of it she has left- that she can control herself.
After making Anna's favorite breakfast (a sandwich with a ridiculous amount of scrambled eggs), Elsa takes her to her favorite bookstore so they can buy some new books she won't read for six months, and then to the movie theater to watch some cheesy horror movie that came out a couple of weeks ago. Elsa's terrified of horror movies, but Anna's always been fascinated by them and always found themselves oddly hilarious. Elsa always screams and buries her face into her hands whenever there's a jump scare, and Anna always laughs before comforting her older sister.
Surprisingly, Anna finds herself enjoying the day. In fact, in a week full of dark clouds in her mind, this is the first time she's had nothing but clear skies. The Elsa effect is in full swing, it seems.
In their current destination, Anna's favorite park where she learned how to ride a bike, Elsa finally decides to answer the question she's been neglecting the whole day.
"I'm trying to cheer you up," she says nudging Anna with her shoulder. "Or at least get you to smile."
Anna turns to Elsa and gives her an obviously fake smile, showing teeth and everything.
"Oh you know what I mean." Elsa giggles and taps her forehead, "It needs to reach your eyes, dummy."
"But I've smiled today," Anna protests, deciding against telling her sister that smiling always comes easy when she's around. "Like a lot."
"Mmkay, let me rephrase that then." Elsa positions herself so she's facing her sister, with one leg resting on the park bench and the other one on the concrete floor. "I wanted to take you out today because everyone's doing their best to support you in the break-up and I feel like I haven't done that yet."
"You do more than you know," Anna says, shifting so she mirrors Elsa's sitting position. "And you really think what mother said to me was 'support'?"
Immediately, Anna wants to take back those words. She's never said anything this ill-intentioned about their parents, and she feels her stomach twist and tighten as those words leave her lips. But at the same time, it feels...good to express herself like this. Or maybe not good, but at least okay. In the distance, the jazz band playing at the park's outdoor auditorium finishes a song and the audience applauds. Anna entertains the silly notion that they're clapping for her too.
Elsa sighs, "That was...rough. I mean you know as well as I do how much she's always pushed for us to 'find the right guy', but I didn't think she'd take the breakup that way."
"It hurt," Anna says in another bold bout of honesty, one that once again threatens to make her tear up.
But luckily Elsa's here, and she's reaching out to squeeze her hand and keep her grounded. "Hey, I'm on your side," she says soothingly. "Always."
Anna nods, and in the war between affection and appreciation, appreciation finally wins for once. She smiles without guilt, without shame, and says "Thank you." to her amazing older sister.
In return, Elsa smirks and squeezes her hand one more time. She looks uncontainably proud of herself. And in another moment of convenience, a trumpet finishes his solo and the audience claps as Elsa says, "That's the kind of smile I wanted to see!"
They head home not too long after that when they get a text from their mother to come back for lunch. It's an odd text considering it's almost 4 PM, and she gave them permission to be out for the entire day, but they knew better than to disobey their parents. The drive is nice, it feels exactly like the thousands of other drives they've taken together. They sang duets of everything on Elsa's playlist and pointed out the memories they shared at places around the city they passed. And for once, though the feelings still broiled under the surface, it was nice for Anna to have her sister back.
It's possible that feeling is why she finds it in herself to finally ask something that's been on her mind for so long. "Hey Elsa?" she says, looking down at her hands folded in her lap.
"Hmm?" Elsa responds while keeping her eyes on the road.
"Three years ago, when you went to therapy...what was that for?"
Anna knows this question is too real, too invasive, especially considering the secrets she keeps from Elsa, but she wants to know. Elsa's behavior back then is exactly the way Anna's been behaving recently, and if her sister's experience is anything like hers (aside from the romantic feelings, obviously), maybe it might help her get through this too.
And maybe Elsa being honest will give Anna the courage to be honest with her.
Elsa's reaction is unexpected. Her hands grip the steering wheel a little tighter, and she opens her mouth to speak a couple of times without any words coming out. The way her eyes scan the empty streets tells Anna that she's not entirely with her right now.
Regretting her decision, Anna quickly follows up with, "Uh, you know what? That's okay, you don't have to tell me."
"No!" Elsa shouts, snapping her head towards Anna so quickly that it makes her jump. She blinks a few times, coming back down to Earth, and returns her eyes back to the road. "Sorry, I mean I-I do want to tell you, I've actually wanted to tell you about it for a long, long time. It's just...really heavy. Can we talk about it when we get home?"
Anna, so guilty that she'd do anything Elsa told her to do- even jumping out of the car- says, "Y-yeah. No yeah, that sounds good."
Elsa takes a deep breath and smiles gratefully, "Thank you."
It's not like Anna has long to wait anyway since they're so close to home. Elsa's just passed the same curb Anna broke down on less than a week ago, and in less than a minute they pull into the driveway next to Anna's car.
Or at least they would if there wasn't someone else's car in the driveway.
"Did you know we were having visitors today?" Elsa asks.
"Not that I know of."
When the car slows so that Elsa can park on the curb, Anna gets a much better look at the intruding vehicle and realizes that she knows exactly who it belongs to. And a frigid chill shoots down her spine. "Oh no," Anna says mortified.
"What is it?" Elsa asks as she turns off the ignition. "Do you know whose car that is?"
Anna nods, "...it's Hans."
Chapter 16
Notes:
A/N: This one might hurt a bit.
Chapter Text
When Anna first read the Old Testament, she always found it funny how people would react after they'd lost a battle or felt like God was no longer with them. She felt like they were being a bit too dramatic with the clothes tearing and the dirt throwing. No one acts like that when they're mad, scared, or stressed, and it all felt so silly.
But now she gets it.
It's not about what they did but why they were doing it. The clothes tearing, the wailing, the dirt throwing, it's because that was all they could control in a moment where things seemed out of control. And right now, as she storms out of Elsa's car and actively avoids getting anywhere near Hans' car, everything feels out of control. And all she can think to do is keep moving.
She moves to the front door as her sister calls out to her and says they should think this through first. She moves inside and is met with the eerie silence filling the walls. She moves into the kitchen where she sees the sliding glass door open, smells the meat and burning charcoal, hears a chorus of laughter. She moves outside…
And that's as far as her legs can take her. Sitting at their patio table, leaning back in the chair that's unofficially hers, is the man she broke up with less than a week ago. Sitting next to him is her mother, and her father is by the grill. All eyes turn to Anna, and these people she can barely recognize right now smile like nothing's wrong.
"You're back!" Her mother exclaims. "Just in time, your father's almost done with the steaks."
It's still taking her mind some time to catch up with the rest of her, and so she has no filter to hold back her words. "What the hell is he doing here?" she says, pointing at a surprised Hans.
"Language!" Her mother warns.
"I-I told you that we broke up, so why is he here?"
Her mother puts a hand on Hans' shoulder, and it makes Anna's skin crawl, "Hans is our guest. We've been talking to him for the past few days and we think it's best if you two take some time to work out your differences."
There's not enough time in the world to work those out. Anna takes a step forward like a rabbit stepping up to a fox. She doesn't feel safe, doesn't know what's going to happen, but she feels like running away will make things worse. But thankfully, Elsa's by her side now, putting a hand on her back and asking the same thing she did, "What's going on? Why is Hans here?"
"We promised a barbecue," their father says firmly yet with practiced cheeriness in his voice. As if he's entertaining their questions for now, but in the end his decision is final. "Elsa, would you like to cut the meat?"
Elsa scoffs, "Uhh no? Anna told you that she and Hans broke up, so why is he here?"
Their mother looks at her annoyed, "Hans isn't like Adam, I think Anna will change her mind once she hears what he has to say."
Elsa clutches the back of Anna's shirt, a sure sign that she's more than a little angry at their mother's unprovoked comment. And a tense situation grows even tenser when Hans stands up and walks over to the sisters. Anna feels the knot in her stomach tighten when he's right in front of her and trying to take her hand. She hides them in her pockets, much to the dismay of her ex-boyfriend.
"Anna," he starts regardless. "I'm sorry for the way I acted last Sunday, it wasn't right. But I've missed you so much, and I would love nothing more than to talk about this, about us. I think we can still save our relationship."
"Hans, there's nothing…" Anna hesitates, "There's nothing to talk about. I told you why this won't work, and if you want to be happy then you need to move on."
"Quick to listen and slow to speak, Anna," her mother scolds. Which makes her offense to this whole situation grow even more. How dare her mother speak in Bible verses to her as if she hasn't already studied through the Book of James herself? And why is she taking Hans' side?
But at least Elsa's on her side, and that's getting Anna through this more than anything. "Hans, I think you should leave," her older sister says, almost demands.
"That's not your call to make, Elsa," their father interjects, his frown indicating that his patience is running thin.
"But it's your call to invite Anna's ex-boyfriend over to our house? How does that make sense?" Rarely in her life did Elsa ever express this amount of frustration. Anna's been privy to every time it's happened, and this is by far the most intimidated she's been at her sister's piercing blue eyes and the bass in her voice. She's giving their parents a look that could freeze the whole backyard, and Anna knows this needs to end before Elsa gets punished on her behalf.
Anna looks back at Hans. His posture tries to exude the same confidence she's seen in him on Wednesday nights, but his face is full of desperation that ends up betraying him. His lips part with uncertainty, as if he wants- no, needs- to say something but he doesn't know what. Anna knows what she needs to say though, to remind everyone that this is her problem and that no one else should be taking the fall but her.
"Hans, I never...liked you the way that you liked me. I said yes to going out because...I guess I needed to prove something that wasn't true. No matter what you want to say, no matter how much you think there's still a chance for us, I'm telling you it's hopeless. I-I'm sorry."
And it's those words that finally allow everyone to take a step back, a physical step for Hans. Silence erupts and covers the yard in thick, murky barbecue smoke. Their father momentarily looks away to turn off the grill and take the meat out. Their mother shakes her head disappointed. Elsa gently scratches her back in the spot she knows will always comfort her.
Anna's fingernails dig into her thighs through her jean pockets.
Finally, softly, Hans replies, "Do you really mean that?"
Though she may be terrified, Anna stands firm. "I do," she replies.
What happens next dictates how the rest of the afternoon will play out. What happens next is something that neither Elsa nor Anna have ever experienced (at least from what Elsa's told her). What happens next will stay with Anna for a very long time.
With a long and shaky breath and the beginnings of a teary-eyed exit, Hans tells her, "Well then thank you for fucking with my heart."
He brushes past Anna on his way out the side gate of their backyard, it closes with a bang. Their parents wear the disappointment on their faces differently, but their target is the same: Anna. They're disappointed with her. After what Hans just said, they're not showing the slightest bit of sympathy, the bare minimum of concern over their own daughter's wellbeing. They're disappointed that she couldn't just do as she was told, take things as they were, and force herself into a situation that would hurt her. They were siding with the stranger.
And something inside Anna snaps.
She paces towards her mother and hisses, "How could you do that?"
"Do not talk to me with that kind of voice," her mother responds with the same level of unearned frustration.
Anna defiantly raises her voice and points a finger, something she was told never to do to anyone let alone an elder, "That was embarrassing! You've been talking to Hans behind my back for days because, why, you're too stubborn to accept reality?!"
"Hey!" Their father booms, "You better watch that mouth of yours, young lady."
"Let her speak," Elsa says, standing right by her side again. "You've been messing with Anna's personal life, the least you can do is let her say what she needs to say."
"We're trying to help you," their mother reasons. "Hans is a good man! He can take care of you, provide for you, give you a wonderful life. We didn't want to see you throw that away!"
Anna groans, "I didn't want a life with him!"
"Why not? Is there someone else?"
"I...n-no, I'm not seeing anyone else."
Her mother looks at her with disbelief, fortunately too wrapped up in her own agenda to pick up on Anna's hesitation. "Then why are you throwing away a good life with a good man? That's not how we raised you both. When I met your father-"
They've both heard this story many times before, the story of her mother and father meeting each other at St. Joseph's. She was a freshman and he was a senior. During chapel, their mother was separated from her friends and, too awkward to make a scene, sat at the only available seat next to their father. They hit it off well, but it still took their father a month to really court her because she didn't want to jump into anything too soon. And she wanted to test him, see if he was patient, kind, and loyal. Two months after their meeting, they finally went on their first date and nine months later, they were engaged.
In the past, this story was like a fairytale to Elsa and Anna. Their parents used to be their greatest frame of reference to love, and they always loved hearing their story because it gave them hope of finding someone like they found each other. Now, however, it's the very last thing Anna wanted to hear. Because she knew, in her state, the story's intention would twist and warp into a tale of manipulation, conformity, expectations forced upon her and her sister.
Because she knew better now, she knew reality was messier than the fairytales and parables. She knew something that had been gnawing at her forever, and maybe it was finally time to acknowledge it.
"What if I don't want that life, mother?" she asks sharply.
Her mother stands up and wraps her arm around their father's waist, perhaps unintentionally mimicking the same hold that Elsa has around Anna's waist. This unfortunate standoff has reached a new level that Anna fears they can never come back from. But she doesn't want to stop speaking her mind, not when a part of her is beginning to realize how good it feels.
"What are you saying?" her mother responds, tears beginning to fall down her cheeks as if she's the one that's most hurt from this.
That feeling in her stomach- that twisting and tightening- she thought it was fear at first. And then when Hans left and she snapped, she thought maybe that feeling was anger. Now...well, she has no idea what this is. But she gathers up whatever of this feeling is left and- with a cavern of uncertainty waiting right beneath her- she jumps in feet first.
"I'm saying I'm gay."
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry... (James 1:19)
Chapter 17
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Rapunzel,
I can't begin to thank you and your family enough for the hospitality you've shown me. You've been a bright light in some really dark days, and just having a bed to sleep in was a blessing enough. I've cleaned up the guest room as best as I could, I'm sorry if anything's out of place or it's not the way your family cleans things. And I promise one day I'll pay you back for the food and the soap and everything. I've overstayed my welcome, and I don't want to burden your family any longer. Don't worry, I've got some ideas for some places I can stay. I'll be safe. Thank you for always being such a wonderful friend to me, keep in touch whenever you can. I don't know how long I'll have data, but if I'm in any place with wifi I'll make sure to respond. Thank you and goodbye. The spare key will be under your welcome mat.
- Anna
Anna pushes down her suitcase and quickly zips it shut. She places her palms on the hard plastic and breathes a sigh of relief, or at least as close as she can muster.
These past two weeks...have not been good.
She picks up the note on her pillow, wondering for the twelfth time if her words are too stiff and ungrateful. Two weeks sheltered in Rapunzel's home is more hospitality than she deserves, and yet they gave her that time and space anyway. She tried to express the greatest level of gratitude she could, but she still worries that her words will fall flat. No matter, the deed is done; it's time for Anna to stop dragging other people into her mess.
The part about having some ideas for places to stay isn't technically the truth. In fact, it's a blatant lie. The only place she might know of is a homeless shelter near her school, but that's not a permanent place to stay. And without a car, she's going to have to start walking over there now if she wants a bed for the night.
No one will know where she's gone. And she hopes no one will care. Her parents certainly won't, they aren't even answering calls from Rapunzel's parents asking why she's been staying at their house. Although, if Rapunzel and her family did know why, they might kick her out too.
If this were anyone else, if she was hearing this story from anyone other than herself, she would sympathize with them. But this is her mistake, and she can't feel sorry for herself because it's her fault that this happened.
She tries to remember that fleeting moment two weeks ago when she felt the greatest amount of freedom in her life.
"I'm saying I'm gay."
For just a moment, she was as high as she'd ever been. As if she'd screamed the words from the top of a snowy mountain. For just a moment, she finally felt like herself.
But that moment came and went, and in its place formed a nightmare; a traumatic, painful aftermath. When she closes her eyes, she can still hear the screaming and wailing of her mother, and the scathing words of her father telling her to leave. When she breathes, she feels the ache in her lungs from her own cries begging to let her stay. When she touches her shoulder, she can still feel the warmth of Elsa's arms as she promises that she won't abandon Anna no matter what.
And the tears, so many tears.
Throughout these last few days, the same question has been running through Anna's mind: What did she expect?
Although homosexuality was never a dinner table topic, she'd heard enough from her parents to know that they didn't exactly welcome the idea with open arms. And with all the times her mother emphasized getting married and starting a family, she…how did Anna think she would be okay with this?
Her father was a surprise, though. For some reason, she did expect him to be a little more understanding. Perhaps it was because of how protective he always was with her and Elsa, he always called them his "princesses". She figured that kicking them out of the house was the last thing he would ever want to do.
But no, he didn't even give it a second thought. His voice, she can still hear his voice. Cold and demanding, no semblance of sadness or disappointment in his voice. It's like one minute Anna was his daughter, and the next she was an unwelcome stranger.
For one solitary second, Anna wonders if they'll let her back if she apologizes. Maybe she's wrong about being gay, you know? Maybe it's just Hans she doesn't want to be with. Maybe if she devoted more of her time to the church, then she'll finally stop dwelling on her feelings altogether. Maybe if she thought about someone else for a change, then she'd stop having so many problems with herself.
Maybe if she tried hard enough, she could stop being gay.
The second passes, and she finds herself back in reality. There is no going back, she reminds herself. There's no way she can take back her words, somehow keep them from being spoken. There is no way to make this right...aside from this. She puts her letter back against the comfortable pillows provided to her by Rapunzel's mother and pulls her suitcase off the bed. The 11:30 service just started, which means if she leaves now it'll be almost impossible for Rapunzel's family to keep her from leaving, let alone find her.
She lifts up her suitcase as she descends the stairs, making sure they don't scuff up the wood in any way. With one last look at the most amount of shelter she'll see in possibly a long time, Anna opens the door to leave.
But she finds her path blocked by a girl that fills her heart with both dread and relief.
"Elsa," she says while trying to cover her gasp up with a sharp exhale. "Why- what are you doing here?"
"I'm bringing you food," Elsa replies, holding up a plastic bag. The rings under her eyes are darker than before, and her braid isn't as neat as it usually is. "Why do you have your suitcase? Did they kick you out?"
"No," she says quietly.
"Then what are you doing?"
"I…" Anna pushes the suitcase behind her as if that will somehow make it disappear. If she didn't want Rapunzel to find out she was gone then she definitely didn't want Elsa to. She tries to change the subject by asking, "Why aren't you at service?"
Elsa frowns, "You already know why."
Yes she does. The last time she saw Elsa was a week ago, where she told Anna that she was staying away from Hillside out of protest. Not because of the church, but because of their parents. It's a constant mess of arguing and tense silence at home according to Elsa, and she's staying away from mother and father as much as she can. The only times she talks to them are to shame them for kicking Anna out.
Anna wants to tell her to give up, but she knows Elsa won't listen. "I will do whatever it takes to bring you back home," she said to her last week.
"Pastor Tom's probably missing you," Anna says in another feeble attempt to get her sister's attention away from the suitcase.
But Elsa won't budge as she steps through the doorway and puts a hand on Anna's shoulder. Her touch still stirs something in her, but it's tainted by the guilt she feels from causing Elsa so much pain. "Anna, please tell me you weren't about to leave," she says.
Anna tries thinking of any other way she can keep from having this conversation, but Elsa's always been stubborn when it came to taking care of her. She sighs, "I can't stay here forever, Elsa. I don't want to do that to Rapunzel."
"But it's not forever," Elsa argues. "I told you, I'm going-"
"I know, you're going to bring me back home. But...I mean you were there. Do you even think mother and father want me back?"
"Forget about them for a second," Elsa says, which tells Anna everything she needs to know. "You deserve to be home. You deserve to not feel ashamed of who you are."
"I deserve to rot away under an overpass."
"Anna!" Elsa looks at her with abject horror, as if she'd died right in front of her. "Please tell me you don't mean that."
Anna shrugs, which she can tell breaks Elsa's heart even more. "Maybe I do."
Rather than saying something that might not even reach Anna's ears anyway, Elsa moves her hand from her shoulder to her cheek, and her expression changes. The sympathy is ever-present in her eyes, but there's also a severity in her gaze like she's searching for something. Something that isn't skin deep. Something that Anna can't hide or fake.
Whatever she finds causes Elsa to step forward once more, and she presses her forehead against Anna's while whispering words she can't make out. But her lips are so distracting that Anna has to close her eyes. She smells like lavender, she smells like home.
"I love you. And I miss you," Elsa says as she wraps her arms around Anna. "So very much."
And Anna's not numb. Despite how awful this whole experience has been, she never grew numb to her circumstances, to her emotions. If anything, she's never felt more emotional in her life. She doesn't hesitate to reciprocate Elsa's hug, neither is she slow to reply with a hushed, "I miss you too."
The one thing she can't seem to do anymore, though, is cry. It seems she's expended a lifetime's worth in just two short weeks. But Elsa is still full of tears, and she lets her sister cry softly into her shoulder.
It's the first time in a while that she's heard Elsa cry, the last time was from a panic attack two years ago and Anna could only help her through the phone with that. Now that she can hold her, stroke her back, and encourage her with whispers of "I'm here" and "I've got you", she doesn't feel helpless like she did back then. And getting Elsa through this finally gives her that opportunity to think of someone other than herself.
Elsa doesn't cry for too long, because of course she's able to hold herself together better than Anna. She steps back and wipes her eyes with her sleeve. "Guh, sorry about that," she says with a sniffle.
"Don't worry about it, I hated this shirt anyway," Anna jokes.
Elsa lets out a weak chuckle, but at least she's smiling again. "You...do you still want to leave?"
Truly, honestly, Anna tells her sister, "I just don't want to be a burden."
Elsa nods but doesn't protest those words. Anna still knows her, though, and she can tell by the look in her eyes that she doesn't want to just say that Anna's not a burden. She wants to show it. And when Elsa reaches up and brushes the top of Anna's head, she asks something that proves her right, "Will you take a drive with me?"
Anna wipes the crumbs off her shirt and into her plastic bag, tying the bag closed so the trash doesn't get all over Elsa's car. Even with a simple homemade sandwich (turkey, swiss, and pesto in a ciabatta roll), Elsa outdid herself with all the care she put into it. And since Anna didn't eat dinner last night, she devoured the sandwich in less than five minutes.
"We were out of tomatoes," Elsa says. "Sorry about that."
"Don't be, it was delicious," Anna says.
"I did use the last of the turkey, though. Mother's gonna be pretty upset when she finds out." Elsa has this mischievous grin on her face, and it surprises Anna how much she enjoys rebelling against their parents. Elsa's always been the obedient type, the one who could almost never do anything wrong, the one that was always on a good track. Going against her parents has given Elsa this strange glow to her. It makes Anna wonder if she's been waiting for a moment like this to finally revel in rebellion. "Hey, can I ask you something?"
"Shoot."
Elsa bites her lip, sneaking a glance at Anna before fixing her eyes back on the road. "Did...what happened...I mean how did you realize you're gay?"
It's a surprising question, but only because it's blunt and also surprisingly out-of-character. Anna knows she has her sister's support, but it's still surprising to see how tentative she is around this subject. Although it's not as if Anna's all too eager about talking about this either. Still, she owes it to both of them to have something to back up her belief in her orientation. After all, isn't that exactly what she's been doing with her faith this whole time?
It's the first time Anna's deliberately thought back to those few days before everything fell apart. The moment at the club, while still painful, isn't as difficult to mull over anymore, and she tries not to think too much about her parents' reactions to her being gay again. The images still flash in her mind, but the song changing in Elsa's car is able to drown out her mother's cries.
Anna fidgets with the knot she made with the plastic bag, "I think I've actually been denying it for a while. It's been in the back of my mind, but I always tried to explain it away until, well, I couldn't. I guess when I really gave myself the time to think it through, I decided it was time to test out those feelings."
"What do you mean?"
Oh dear, she's actually going to have to say it. Anna tangles the knot tight around her finger, "Promise not to be mad?"
"You know I won't," Elsa says with another glance towards Anna, sterner and less unsure.
"Okay well, uh...remember when I texted you the day I broke up with Hans? When I said I needed some time alone?"
Elsa shifts in her seat, knowing she might finally get some answers about that day. "Of course," she replies with a lilt in her voice that all but gives away her eagerness and anxiousness.
"Well I went to Lopez Peak, at least at first." Anna thinks about telling Elsa about the thought she had while she was up there, but decided it would hurt her sister too much to hear about that. "But afterwards, I went to Natura."
"The club? It's still open?"
"Yeah, it-it's still open. And well, you know so they let me in with my driver's license. And there was...I mean I went inside and I ended up dancing with this girl. And, hah we uh…" Anna untangled the knot around her finger and let the plastic bag drop to the floor once again. "We kissed."
Elsa doesn't look at her, but the way her eyes go as wide as the moon tells Anna that she heard every word. She stammers for much longer than her eloquence usually lets her, and finally tumbles out a "W-wow, that's...you kissed...wow."
"Are you mad?"
"What?" Elsa lets out a very breathy laugh, "Wh- sorry that laugh wasn't about you. But why would...no! Why would I be mad?"
"I don't know?" Anna's not even sure why she asked that. "Maybe because I didn't tell you sooner?"
"Well at least you told me now, right? That's the true facts. That's...amazing. I'm sorry, I'm just still trying to process this."
"No no, it's okay! Take your time, I know this is a lot. It's still a lot for me too, but I didn't want to keep hiding this from you, you know what I mean?" Anna puts her hand on Elsa's shoulder and feels that familiar spark tingle down her arm. Elsa tenses up, but only because someone's pumped their brakes suddenly in front of her. She attempts to change the subject once again, "Hey, you still haven't told me where we're going."
Except this time, Elsa plays along. "Well I-I was going to take you to Lopez Peak, but not anymore." She emphasizes this change in plans by muscling her way into the right lane and making a turn sharper than the one Anna took to get to Natura.
"Oh. Okay. So where are we going now?"
Elsa takes a longer-than-usual breath. "I don't know yet. I mean I have some ideas, but I'm not fully- actually, I know where I can take you." She shows even more jarring road behavior by merging back into the left lane and making the turn just as the arrow goes red. Cars honk their horns in disapproval behind them, and Anna catches herself before she bumps her head against the window.
Notes:
A/N: Twenty-four comments on that last chapter, holy shit. I must have hit a nerve haha...ha…
Ha...
Sorry if the ending's kind of abrupt. This was initially going to be one chapter, but it started getting way too long, so I split it into two. The bad news is you won't get the second part until next week. The good news is it's another chapter of solo Elsa and Anna time.
...no I will not tell you if there's an Elsanna endgame to this.
Chapter 18
Notes:
A/N: Welcome to the second half of last week's chapter. To those weary of my last author's note. I hope this chapter clears up any sort of doubt. Also, y'all wanted a glimpse of what Elsa's thinking, and you're getting that.
Chapter Text
Elsa maneuvers her way back into the right lane while Anna waits for her heart to start beating normally again.
It surprises her to see Elsa acting like this, of course, but it's also a little...thrilling? She's used to confident, poised Elsa, but this is different. This is past confidence, and right before reckless. It's something Anna can't put into words, all she knows is that she likes it. Even more so when Elsa starts humming Listen To Your Heart as she speeds along the highway. It's strange, but as the heat of the sun fights against the late autumn chill, and an all-too-familiar worship song goes against Elsa's beautiful voice, Anna finally feels something akin to peace.
She doesn't ask again where they're going, trusting Elsa's judgment, and soon they've merged onto the freeway, passing the flower-adorned "Now Leaving Copper Springs" sign.
"Smell ya later," they both say at the same time while pointing at the sign, eliciting a sweet, cheerful laugh from the older sister.
"I'm so glad you still did that," Elsa exclaims.
"Of course I would," Anna scoffs. "It's our thing." One of their fifty million "things".
Down the winding streets they go, past endless rows of trees and the growing Sunday traffic, until Anna finally has some idea of where they're going. Her suspicions are confirmed when, nearly an hour later, they pull into the parking lot of Oaken's Hearth and Home.
It's been six months since the sisters were here last, but nothing about the diner has changed since then. The cabin-like interior is still clean and homely as always, the newspaper clippings with reviews from food critics are still framed along the entrance, and the hulking Scandinavian owner still greets them with a warm hug.
"I am so delighted to see you two again," Oaken says in a light, whimsical tone that contrasts with his towering physique. "It has been too long!"
He leads them to their booth and takes their order, or rather he asks them if they're having the usual and they say of course. He writes those down on a notepad smaller than his palm and walks to the kitchen to get their meals started.
Anna settles into the cozy cloth of her side of the booth while Elsa does the same. "Gosh it's been so long-"
Elsa shushes her.
Anna scoffs, "Really?"
"You know the rule," Elsa says with a smirk.
"But-" Elsa shushes her again, and Anna this time stays silent. But not before sticking her tongue out at her sister.
For some reason, it's harder than usual to keep from talking to Elsa. Even if they don't have much, if anything, to update each other on, she...well of course she always loves talking to Elsa. And being here at this diner makes everything feel normal again. Because every time they're here, they always make sure to leave their troubles at the door. Outside this diner, she has parents that have basically disowned her, an ex-boyfriend asking her for pictures of her smile mixed sporadically with messages to go to hell, and a college that doesn't want to bother with her and her God problems.
Inside this diner, she has Elsa.
And maybe Elsa knows this. Maybe she knows that this is the one place of comfort she- they have left. A place no one knows but them. A place where she can truly feel safe and...and warm.
That's why the "No talking till we're done eating" rule feels like torture.
She's partially eased by her omelet when it arrives. Even though she just ate a sandwich, Anna eats the whole thing before Elsa can finish half of her Monte Cristo. Showing the slightest bit of decorum, Anna places her utensils on her plate neatly and slides them to the edge of the table. She sips her water and rests her elbows on the table and her head in her hands. All the while, Elsa still eats with the grace of a queen, and a frown that says she knows Anna's trying to make her break the rule.
But Elsa doesn't break, even as Anna fixes her eyes on her and gives her a cheeky grin only achievable by younger siblings. Stubborn as she is, though, it does feel like Elsa quickens her pace a little bit. But it still feels like weeks when she finally finishes, neatly places her utensils and napkin on her plate, and slides it next to Anna's.
After taking a sip of her water, Elsa finally opens her mouth to speak.
"Thank you," Anna says.
It catches her sister off guard, which Anna's a little proud of. She's been waiting to say that ever since they sat down. "It's been hard lately," she continues while Elsa blinks and collects her thoughts. "I mean yeah duh, of course it has, but all these thoughts I keep having I...it's been really hard to sleep and stuff. I keep thinking that maybe I made a mistake, but here with you it just...none of that matters."
Elsa sighs, looking at her like she's just been given a gift she wasn't expecting. "Anna…"
"You're kind of an awesome big sister, just wanted you to know that." It feels strange yet freeing, this is the first time in forever that Anna's thought of Elsa as nothing more than her sister. It's the first time she's been able to separate attraction from admiration.
It lasts until Elsa reaches over and lays her hand on top of Anna's, thumb brushing against the back of her hand. Such a soft, gentle touch, and yet it's enough to almost make her forget how to breathe. Given everything that's happened, it's safe to assume she might put romance on the back burner and really take the time to gather her thoughts and feelings. But the opposite has ended up happening for Anna.
She hasn't felt God in this punishment, hasn't seen his guiding figure in the storm, but she's seen Elsa. She's heard Elsa. She's felt Elsa's needed embrace. When it feels like she's lost everything, she still has Elsa.
Should it come as a surprise that she's fallen even more in love with her?
Elsa laughs softly, "Gosh, I completely forgot what I was going to say, you jerk."
"Yeah, I deserve that."
"Well I mean you're a pretty awesome little sister, so there's that. And of course I'm always going to be here for you, you know that. I'd never let you do anything alone. Except maybe use the bathroom, I'm pretty sure you can do that on your own."
Anna laughs, and something that's so joyful sounds so foreign to her.
"But I don't think you made a mistake," Elsa says with a squeeze of her hand, and she's still smiling which...well Anna doesn't know how that makes her feel. "I know the cliche thing to say here is that you're so brave, but I mean it's true."
"I'm not feeling very brave," Anna argues.
"That's okay. It doesn't change the fact that you're learning to accept who you are, and there's no greater feeling than that."
There's something in Elsa's word choice that piques Anna's interest, and she can't help but ask, "You know what it's like?"
Elsa bites her lip so hard that Anna's afraid it might start bleeding, "Maybe...maybe a bit too well."
Anna's never been more curious in her life. She leans forward and looks into her sister's wavering eyes, wondering what might be going through her mind before realizing that she can just ask. "What do you mean?"
They tell each other everything, that's been well-established, even the bad and embarrassing stuff. If there's something Elsa hasn't told her, it means she's afraid of how Anna might react.
"So, I...I never told you why I went to therapy, right?"
Anna nods, it used to be such a sore subject for Elsa that she never asked her about it.
Elsa opens and closes her mouth three times before she's able to come up with words again. Nervousness is such a rare look on her, it's both endearing and worrying. "Well I- gosh, I don't even know how to say this. I mean you made it seem so easy, I don't know why-"
Anna subconsciously leans forward. "I made what seem easy?"
"Coming out." Elsa gives her an awkward grin and clarifies, "Anna, I'm gay too."
...
Oh.
Oh.
Four words. Four simple words. That's all it takes to turn Anna's entire world upside down. She stares with eyes wider than the frisbees they accidentally threw onto their roof when they were kids. Kids. Did Elsa know back then? Did she know back then? No, that's...no way did they know. They. The word "they". They're both gay. They both like girls.
Elsa likes girls. That's what's more important right now. She's a little jealous that Elsa's able to confess and knows she won't be pushed away. But that's not all she's feeling.
What is she feeling?
Surprised, of course. Confused, but not in a bad way. Happy? Well of course she's happy for her sister to finally get this off her chest. Scared. That's another one. Why is she scared? She shouldn't be scared, that's weird. And she feels weird too, but why? Oh right, it's because she hasn't responded yet.
How long has it been since she's last talked? A second? A minute? An hour?! She has to say something because Elsa's looking more and more uncertain. And Anna doesn't want that, she doesn't want Elsa to feel insecure. She just needs to say something. Anything. Anything!
"That's...fresh."
Elsa raises an eyebrow, "What?"
Anna shakes her head, getting rid of the excess unhelpful thoughts rattling around in her brain. "Sorry, I mean I...that's amazing. Really. I know it might not look like it right now but it's because I'm just surprised. I'm really happy for you, really. Truly. I've said 'really' too much, haven't I? I'm sorry, I'm probably ruining this moment for you."
Elsa places her other hand on Anna's, "Hey, take a breath. With me. I'll take one with you."
Anna closes her eyes and does her best to take a deep, steady breath. She takes her time on the inhale, but the exhale takes maybe two seconds and she's sure she just breathed all over Elsa's hands. Regardless, she tries to speak once more, "I mean it, Elsa. I'm happy for you and I'm so happy you told me. It must have been hard for you to hold on to this too."
Elsa snorts, "Of course, I mean I've been hiding it from you for three years."
"So...the therapy?"
She feels Elsa's thumb rub against her hand once again, "It wasn't some crazy 'pray the gay away' thing, if that's what you're worried about. Actually it was the exact opposite, my therapist actually helped me accept my bisexuality. I knew I liked guys, but I just...there was this girl. And she made me feel something new and exciting, but I knew that even if I was infatuated with her...I couldn't have her. It tore me up a little, but therapy helped me come to terms with myself and my feelings."
"Wow," Anna says, feeling a new kind of admiration for her sister she never expected.
"I know this is going to sound unbiblical, but I learned how to feel unashamed of my attraction to girls. God doesn't make mistakes, every single part of us is fearfully and wonderfully made and I learned to truly believe that. It was a struggle, still is a little bit, but I'm better now than I was back then. So trust me, Anna, I've been where you are and I can help you. Not just because I'm your sister, but because I know how important it is to have someone be there for you while you're trying to figure things out."
An unimaginable feeling settles in Anna, like thousands of pieces of an unsolvable puzzle have just pieced themselves together. "Wow, you...you really do understand, don't you?"
With teary eyes that break the illusion of tranquility this diner brings, Elsa adds, "I just...need you to stay. That's all. I'm trying and-and failing to bring you back home, but I can do this. I know I can help you with this. So just stay, Anna. Stay with me. Please."
Anna doesn't know if she has the strength anymore to say more than two words. This conversation took more out of her than she's expecting, and she can see the heartache growing through Elsa's eyes. Fortunately, she only needs two words.
She places her hand on top of Elsa's, now realizing that she's shaking, and smiles in a way that she knows will comfort her sister. Quiet yet hopeful, she responds.
"I'll stay."
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. (Psalm 139:14)
Chapter 19
Notes:
C/W: Mentions of homophobic behavior and slurs, and possibly some controversial theology.
Reminder that, once again, I take no formal stance for or against Christianity. I'm just trying to tell a story.
Chapter Text
It's been another week.
Things can still be better, but Anna has to admit they aren't as bad as before.
Her parents still aren't talking to her, but at least Rapunzel's family didn't kick her out when she told them the truth. Elsa's still majorly stressed out with her mission to bring Anna back home, but at least she knows Anna's not upset at how long it's taking. And Anna's still not going to St. Joseph's, but at least Elsa and Rapunzel still support her, and she's kept her grades up through it all. Mostly thanks to Elsa, who dangles the prospect of more stolen turkey sandwiches in front of her provided she does her homework.
Things aren't normal right now, in her current situation there's no way things can be, but she's finally able to see the blessings in disguise. When Sunday comes back around, Rapunzel asks if she might want to go with them to Hillside. Anna still says no, the thought of being anywhere near the building makes her skin burn.
Elsa's still not going back either if her text to Anna is any indication. And now Anna waits, uncomfortably alone in the guest bedroom without her suitcase packed or a letter on the pillow, once again for her sister to pick her up.
And once again, Elsa doesn't tell her where they're going. But when she rings the doorbell, Anna's still so happy to see her. They've called each other, sure, but this is the first time in a week that they've seen each other face-to-face. Elsa hugs her without needing an invitation, it's welcome regardless even if her arms are a little tight around Anna's waist.
"Things still suck at home," Elsa mutters into her shoulder. "Please don't ask about it."
"Wasn't going to," Anna lies, cursing herself for enjoying the motion of Elsa's lips near her skin. Although it's her fault for wearing a shirt with a low collar.
Elsa pulls away and lets out a dramatic breath, "Okay! You ready to go?"
Anna raises an eyebrow, "Aaaare you going to tell me where we're going?"
"Nope." That seems to be the end of this short exchange as Elsa takes her by the hand and leads her to the car. She doesn't let go even when Anna has to go back and lock the door. Not that she's complaining, but Elsa's being a little more touchy than usual. She must be more relieved to be out of the house than she's letting on.
She sends a quick text to Rapunzel as Elsa pulls out of the driveway, telling her not to freak out if she's gone when they get home. And also thanking her for the millionth time for being such a great and understanding friend.
Anna was terrified when she finally came out to Rapunzel, she wasn't sure if she could take anymore heartache but if she was going to be staying at her house for the foreseeable future, then Rapunzel needed to know why. Her friend was surprised at first, which is still much better than crying, but it was less about her being gay and more because Anna had told her before that she wasn't. Anna explained that it took her some time to finally accept it, and Rapunzel told her it would be the same way for herself.
But that didn't change the fact that Anna's her best friend, and she's still more than welcome to stay. Which made Rapunzel her second greatest blessing this month.
That blessing stayed by her side when Anna finally returned to school this week. Since a lot of the girls there also went to Hillside, rumors spread about her uncontrollably.
Throughout that week, Rapunzel stayed with her even when the snide comments started to get thrown her way. She sat right next to Anna in the classes they had together and found a relatively peaceful place for them to have lunch together. At the end of the day, she hurried to Anna's class so she wouldn't have to walk back to the car alone.
Without her, Anna probably would have dropped out by the end of Tuesday.
But she made it all the way to Sunday. And now she's driving to an unknown destination with her greatest blessing as a song she's never heard before starts playing through the speakers.
"What's this?" she asks.
"Hmm?" Elsa says, slowing to turn right at a stop sign.
"This song. It sounds like a sad robot."
"You've never heard of Bon Iver before?"
"Of course not, you're the one that's super cultured, remember? Are they some underground Christian band?"
Elsa chuckles, "No. They're like this indie-folk band. Actually, this is the only song I've listened to from them, it's called Woods."
"Oh." Anna listens for a few more seconds, and when the other voices join in- Elsa's included- singing about being lost in the woods, she decides, "I like it."
"I knew you would," Elsa replies with a proud smirk. "Check the name of the playlist."
Anna grabs Elsa's phone and inputs the same passcode she's used since she was twelve. She opens the Spotify app and reads the name of the playlist: Songs Anna would probably like. For the next twenty minutes, this continued to prove true.
After those twenty minutes, and an exit off the freeway, Anna asks once again, "Now will you tell me where we're going?"
Elsa waves a thank you at a driver that allows her to turn into their lane. "I'm surprised you haven't noticed yet."
Anna raises an eyebrow and takes a good look at the surrounding area. It's green and peaceful, exuding the same suburbian energy as the rest of Copper Springs, but she notices familiar places like the 50s-themed diner they went to once after a soccer game against a middle school that Elsa just passed. She tries to think of anything significant they've ever done at this part of town, thinking they must be on another feel-good, reminiscing trip. Or maybe…
"Who do we know that lives around here?"
Elsa pokes her cheek and says, "Now you're asking the right question! But no, I'm still not telling you."
Anna frowns, "Is this an intervention? Are you taking me to an intervention?"
Elsa scoffs, "An intervention for what?"
"I don't know, for not getting into St. Joseph's? Or for dating somebody I knew I didn't have feelings for?"
"Neither of those was your fault," Elsa says in a way that tells Anna she's not going to debate with her on this. "And I would never blindside you with something like an intervention. But I think it'd be good if you two talked, that's all."
Another clue reveals itself, with minimal effort on Anna's part. "Wait who? Who am I gonna talk to?"
Elsa slows the car and parks on a curb. Anna looks out her window to see a modest, one-story house with a freshly mowed lawn and a porch adorned with paper turkeys and a plastic cornucopia. In the driveway is a basketball hoop, the kind she'd probably run up to as a kid to try and touch the rim. It's then that the memory dawns on her. She did do that once. With the same hoop. At this same house.
"But it's Sunday," Anna says confused.
"You know he gets a couple of Sundays off out of the year." Elsa places her hand on Anna's shoulder, her thumb absentmindedly brushing over her bare collarbone. It's nothing more than a comforting gesture, Anna knows, but she makes it feel like more than that.
"Are...are they gonna be here?" is her next, more urgent question.
Elsa shakes her head, "But I will. I'll be right by your side the whole time."
She takes another quick glance at the house and back at Elsa. "Wait how much does he know?"
"Only that you're living with Rapunzel right now, and that things have been hard. You can tell him as much as you're comfortable telling him."
"Ugh, you make this sound like a confession."
"It's not, trust me. But you remember how I said it was important to have people by your side? Well, he was one of those people for me. He never judged, never tried to 'convert' me, all he did was listen. I want you to have that same opportunity."
Anna takes a minute, silent with her arms crossed, to collect herself. Now that she kind of knows what Elsa's plan is, it's leaving her conflicted. She trusts Elsa, of course, but the thought of coming out to anyone else is just...every time it's left her so emotionally drained. But maybe she needs this, the more she speaks her existence into existence, the easier it will be to fully accept it. And besides, they drove all the way here and she's not about to let the effort Elsa put into this be for nothing.
"Okay…" she declares softly. "I can do this."
Anna steps out of the car, Elsa's by her side in a second and holds her hand. She doesn't even have to say anything, although the thought comes to her mind that she can't remember the last time Elsa's held her hand this much. It's not a complaint, in fact she enjoys it. It's an observation, simple and innocent by anyone else's standards.
They walk hand-in-hand to the front door, and Anna does the honors of ringing the doorbell that hasn't changed in maybe ten years. A few seconds later, the door unlocks and a man with light-brown skin, calming brown eyes, and short, black hair answers.
And even though he's not in his trademark jeans and a button-up shirt, Pastor Tom still wears his cheesy, Sunday morning smile.
"You guys made it! I'm so glad," he says while stepping to the side. "Please, come in."
The last time Anna and Elsa were here was three years ago when his family threw a party for the graduating high school seniors. Not much has changed about the cozy interior save for them stripping down the carpet in favor of wooden flooring. Cute pictures of his family still mingle with portraits of him and his wife when they were newlyweds; the bookshelf full of theological works and children's books stands prominently in the loft next to a tiny table with action figures on it; and there's a faint smell of vanilla that feels like it's radiating from the cream-colored walls.
"Can I get you two anything? I can make some food if you're hungry," Pastor Tom says as he turns the TV off in his living room.
Anna looks at Elsa, looking to see how she's feeling. She shrugs and says, "I think I'm good."
"Yeah same," Anna adds.
"Cool, well how about we take a seat?" He gestures to the larger of the two living room couches as he sits on the smaller one. On the coffee table near his feet are an open Bible and a closed laptop. There's a sticker with the logo of a popular tattoo shop in town, which adds further evidence to the rumor that Pastor Tom has a tattoo.
Anna sits on the side closest to Pastor Tom with an uncomfortably straight posture. Elsa sits next to her and puts her hand near her knee.
"Let me just start off by saying that I've missed having you two at Hillside. And that's not me trying to guilt you into coming back, I'm speaking candidly. I've known you both, well, your whole lives basically and not having you around has left an Anna-and-Elsa-shaped void in the church."
"That's...very nice of you to say, Pastor Tom," Anna says, uncertain of how she wants to take that comment.
"Hey, it's alright. You can just call me Tom. Or Thomas. Whatever you want," Pastor Tom says. "Now Elsa told me that you're in kind of a rough position, you're not even living at home right now. You don't need to tell me anything you're not comfortable with sharing, I'm just here to listen and help in any way I can."
Part of Anna still thinks this is all too sudden, but another part of her knows the man sitting in front of her has probably heard every story in the book. As a pastor, nothing should surprise him, and he's always come across as trustworthy and welcoming. A little awkward and hyper, but he's always had a good heart for people.
Then again...so did her parents. So did Hans. So did a lot of the girls at Hillside.
"I…" Anna sighs and looks to her sister.
Elsa mouths the words, "It's okay."
Anna nods, knowing that if she can't trust Pastor Tom, she can at least trust Elsa. Before she speaks, she holds tight to Elsa's hand. "I...haven't been going to church because I'm scared I'll see my parents. Three weeks ago, they kicked me out."
Pastor Tom's straight-faced silent reaction confuses Anna at first, if anyone told her that their parents kicked them out, she'd be shocked. But she has this feeling that at least he's listening. It's hard to explain, they've never had a conversation as personal as this before, but there's something in his eyes that Anna trusts. She takes a deep, already shakey breath and continues.
"And they kicked me out because, I ca- I told them that…" Her voice goes low, not intentionally but because this is still hard to say out loud. "I'm gay. And it broke their heart."
Pastor Tom closes his eyes and nods. She wonders if this is news to him, or maybe if he already knew. Was it obvious to everyone but her? Rapunzel had her suspicions, sure, and maybe Elsa did too but didn't want to put her on the spot. No, this isn't important right now. This talk is supposed to be good for her, so the less time she spends in her head the better.
"But Rapunzel and Elsa, they've been really good to me," Anna says while she squeezes her sister's hand. "It's just everyone else that hasn't. In school, I get these...notes. And they aren't good. I keep getting called these names that I don't know, like 'dyke' and 'queer-do'. When I was in PE, all the girls moved away from me while I was changing like...I don't know, maybe they were afraid I would do something to them. Or they'd turn gay if they got anywhere near me."
This time she gets a reaction, but from Elsa.
Her sister gasps and puts a hand on her back, "When was this? Anna, why didn't you tell me?"
Anna tries for a smile but she can only produce a slight, pitiful curling of the corner of her lips. "You have your own hands full back home. I didn't want to worry you."
Deep sadness blankets Elsa's demeanor, her frown is heavy and her voice is guilty when she utters, "Anna…"
"It's okay, Rapunzel was there. She helped me get rid of the notes every time they showed up in my locker. I wasn't alone."
Elsa still looks as if she should have stopped this from happening, and it's hard for her to accept that there's nothing she could have done. She sighs and nods her head.
"That's another reason I haven't been at Hillside," Anna says, turning her attention back to Pastor Tom. "Sorry. Again. I don't know if I can handle all those eyes on me. First I break up with Hans and now this, it's...I just feel like it'll be worse for me if I go."
There's a fair few seconds of silence. Anna can't think of anything else to say, and Elsa won't interject anymore in something that isn't about her. Even though Anna can see from her eyes brimmed with tears that her sister wants to say something, anything, that can comfort her.
But it's Pastor Tom that breaks the silence, and finally says something about this situation.
"I'm going to respond in two ways," he says while putting up two fingers. "Once as a parent, and again as a pastor."
Anna straightens up more than she already has, like she's holding in a breath. "Okay," she says while hiding her worry.
"As a parent, I'm deeply appalled by the way your parents reacted. If any of my children ever came to me with a confession as hard as yours, I would never leave them to fend for themselves. Jesus teaches us to embrace those who need help, not throw them to the wolves. And I don't mean you need help with your sexuality, I mean that you need help with accepting it. What they did instead was to treat you like a disease and that...that pisses me off. I look at their behavior, as a father, and I am disgusted. Rest assured, I will have a talk with them as soon as I can."
Pastor Tom's expression remains stoic despite his fiery tongue. Everything he says has weight to it as if in his mind he's seeing his own son or daughter crying in front of their childhood home as they have a suitcase literally thrown at them. And when he says that he'll talk to their parents, a chill travels down her body.
He puts down one finger, not needing to compose himself, and continues. "And as a pastor...I want to commend you. You might not see it, and hell you may not believe it, but your faith is still strong."
Anna's surprised by that, and just as surprised that he used the word "hell" in such a casual manner. She turns to Elsa for validation, finding that she's also taken aback by the unexpected taboo.
"Even with all this pain, and the opportunity to speak freely and honestly, you haven't said an ill word about God at all."
"Well, I mean it wouldn't feel right to talk like that in front of my pastor," Anna adds.
"Then how about I ask your sister?" Pastor Tom turns to Elsa, eyes looking like he's expecting her to speak freely and honestly as well. "Has Anna, in any way, mentioned any hatred or disdain towards God?"
Elsa and Anna look at each other, hands intertwined and a silent conversation passing between their eyes. "Not that...uh, nothing I can think of. I mean we haven't really talked about God all that much anyway," she responds truthfully.
Pastor Tom nods, "And Anna, what have your prayers been for recently? I'm not looking for any specific answer, I just want to know."
It's both easy and very difficult to answer. "I...haven't been praying recently," she says with a guilty frown.
Unexpectedly, Pastor Tom smiles. "That's completely normal after a traumatic experience. I know there are so many accounts in the Bible of people immediately turning to God after a great loss, but sometimes we can't. And God understands. He gives us that time to grieve, tells us to stand when the time comes, and then we make one of two choices: we keep walking with him, or we walk away. And I have faith that you won't walk away."
"What makes you so sure?" Anna asks, more to herself than to him.
"For one thing, you only seem to be avoiding Hillside because of fear of being seen. Which is valid, but fear can be conquered. Unbelief is a different thing entirely to conquer." He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees." And another thing is experience. You aren't the only person I've talked to about something like this."
He looks towards the person sitting next to her. Elsa has that assuring smile she's seen a million times before. "Two years ago," she says like she knows Anna's about to ask when. "In fact, I was sitting in the exact spot you are."
Anna doesn't ask Elsa why she never told her, she doesn't ask how long she's been planning this, in fact she doesn't ask anything at all. She leans forward as if pushed by some invisible (she hesitates to use the word "divine") force, and embraces her sister with all the strength she can give.
Because she now realizes just how much pain they truly share.
Anna never wants to let go, in her sister's arms is the safest she's ever felt, but she has questions that need answering. Words she feels like she needs to hear. She lets go of Elsa, and there's a look of relief she hasn't seen on her older sister in a while.
"Wait, but...how can you be okay with this?" she asks Pastor Tom. "I mean you've seen the Scripture, you know that we're going against God's design. Doesn't- I mean shouldn't that be unacceptable for you."
He shrugs, which is such a casual response that Anna's sure her eyes are just playing tricks on her. "God's true design was for us to love, and love is not a sin. I can't speak for his Old Testament actions, but I know that Jesus in the New Testament never once spoke out against homosexuality. He loved God and loved people. And you know as well as I do that God-"
"Doesn't make mistakes…" Anna mutters.
Pastor Tom smiles proudly. "Exactly. Unfortunately, my theological perspective isn't all that compatible with some people, especially the Elders, but I'm not about to go down that rabbit hole. All you need to know is that, as your pastor and your ally, I don't think any differently of you or who you choose to love. And when...if you decide to come back to Hillside, I want to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe and welcome."
Who she chooses to love? Would he be saying that if he knew who exactly Anna loved more than anyone else?
"Both of us?" Elsa asks.
"Of course. You're both a part of the Hillside family, no matter how long it's been since you were a regular member." He puts his hands up. "But, again, there's no pressure to come back. I'm still going to talk to your parents, but if you decide you don't want to come back, then I'll completely understand."
Anna doesn't know what else to say. For the first time in months, there are no questions running through her mind save for one: What comes next? But that's not something Pastor Tom can answer. Only she can. She...and Elsa?
They're sisters (as if she needs to remind herself), their lives have always been connected by blood and water. But to know that they share the same struggles, the same pain, the same story, it's like their stories have never felt more intertwined. Anna doesn't know what happens after this, all she knows is that one way or another, Elsa's in the picture. She always will be.
And that fills her with hope.
Right now, however, there's nothing left to say to Pastor Tom. Nothing except for two words: "Thank you."
"No problem," he responds. "Now unfortunately, I'm going to have to end the conversation here. Need to head to Hillside, pick up the wife and kids and all that. Lyla got an A on her math test, so we promised to go out for ice cream."
"That sounds wonderful," Elsa remarks before resting her head on Anna's shoulder.
"But before I go, and feel free to say no to this…" Pastor Tom starts innocently. "Could I pray for you? Both of you?"
There's something in the way that Elsa strokes the back of her hand and doesn't raise her head that tells Anna she's content with whatever answer she gives. So she thinks about it with the precious few seconds they have left in this house.
She answers with a meek yet truthful, "Yes."
"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." (John 13:34)
Chapter 20
Notes:
T/W: Very brief mentions of sexual assault at the beginning of this chapter. It's, hopefully, not as bad as it sounds but I figure it's better to be safe than sorry.
Chapter Text
It's not often that someone sees their ex-boyfriend on the local news. Although, given the headline, Anna wishes that she isn't.
Former Hillside Pastor Hans Westerguard Arrested for Sexual Misconduct Allegations
According to the report, Hans had been texting multiple girls with propositions for them to "hang out" at his apartment, as well as asking for topless photos and to do something called "sexting". The messages were sent months before they started dating, and around a week after they broke up. Anna knows some of the girls that came forward with allegations because she's seen them at Hillside. One of them is a sophomore at her school.
"Guh, I feel so gross!" Rapunzel exclaims from her kitchen. "I can't believe I spent every week alone in a room with that...scumbag!"
Eugene wraps an arm around her waist and assures her, "You weren't alone, you had me and Anna." He glances over at Anna and mouths "Sorry" for bringing her up.
"True, but still...this is really messed up." Rapunzel embraces her boyfriend and nuzzles her face into his chest. "You would never do something like this, right?"
"It's never even crossed my mind. And besides, why would I want to screw this up?"
The happy couple kiss, and in any other scenario Anna would feel a little jealous. But she's already turned her attention back towards the TV. Even though the news station's moved onto other topics, the headline is burned into her mind. If she was alone this would probably be harder to process, but she isn't.
Elsa places a hand on her knee and asks, "Did you know?"
Anna turns to her sister, not trying to hide the surprise in her voice, "No, I- this is...I don't know, I never saw this coming." She starts to think back on their relationship. Did this really did come out of nowhere? Should she now be seeing signs of this behavior because she feels like she should? Or were the signs there regardless if she knew it or not?
Elsa instantly believes her and follows up with, "Are you okay?"
She has to know that's a loaded question, one which Anna needs to really think about because Elsa can't just be asking about this. It's been a little over a week and they haven't heard anything back from Pastor Tom about their parents. And given this new development, they probably won't hear anything for a little while longer. Gosh...should she have seen this coming? What would have happened if she didn't break up with him?
And it's been...she thinks she's been staying at Rapunzel's house for a month now, and she can't shake the feeling that she's overstaying her welcome. No matter how much Rapunzel's parents try to make her feel welcome by having board game nights, letting her pick the movie on Friday nights, and baking her cookies, Anna still feels like a stranger mooching off their kindness.
Her state is a painful oxymoron, she feels both weightless and free but also like there are too many things pulling her down. She feels unchained yet bound by mistakes. Holding onto a life preserver yet still drowning.
Anna looks at her sister with a pitiful frown and says, "I don't know."
Elsa pulls her in, hugging her as tight as she can with one arm. "Don't worry, I'll help you through this."
"You always do," she says softly.
"Well this is a pretty depressing way to start the morning," Eugene says as he turns off the TV. "How's about we get out of here? Do something fun."
Rapunzel leans on the back of the couch, looking at her boyfriend but laying a supportive hand on Anna's shoulder, "What are you thinking?"
Eugene shrugs, "How about a park? It's the beginning of December! Christmas time! Everything's all pretty and colorful right now."
"That sounds really nice," Rapunzel remarks. "Elsa? Anna? You guys want to come?"
Truth be told, Anna wasn't expecting an invitation. Part of her wants to stay inside and...she doesn't know what she'll do if she stays inside. Maybe sulk. Or start but never finish another college application. She looks up at Elsa's eyes, safe and warm as always, but she feels like she sees a little bit of eagerness in there.
Elsa wants to go. And Anna will let her, but she knows her sister won't go without her. So, she puts her sulking on hold and responds, "Sure. I think being outside would be good."
When she looks back at Elsa, there's now gratefulness in her eyes.
Since Rapunzel knows the area better than all of them, she's the designated driver taking them to their destination: the park right next to her old elementary school. It's small, but the kind of small that seems massive when you're a child. Aside from a very basic swing-and-slide playground setup, and a gazebo with two hard benches, there's nothing that spectacular about the place.
But it snowed last night, leaving a soft slush that sinks their shoes right above the heel, and makes the park feel like their own wintery corner of wonderland. It's cold, obviously, but one that doesn't require a lot of heavy clothing. The group of adventurers wore jeans and sweaters, including Elsa who didn't need a sweater but, in her words, it felt nice and cozy.
As soon as they exit Rapunzel's car, they break into a poorly moderated snowball fight in which there were no winners. Although Eugene insists he was never hit. Afterward, they take a walk along the iron fence separating them from the empty elementary school as Rapunzel reminisces.
"And that's the swing where my hair got caught in the chain and they had to cut a chunk of it off," she says arm-in-arm with Eugene. "And that's Ms. Riley's classroom, my fifth-grade teacher. She was my favorite."
Rapunzel points and comments, Anna and Elsa lag slightly behind with their hands interlocked as they usually are these days. Anna's barely listening, but not from lack of interest.
Elsa squeezes her hand to get her attention. "There's something on your mind," she states.
"There's always something on my mind," Anna argues.
"Yeah but this time it's something specific, I can tell. You wanna talk about it?"
Their steps are subconsciously in sync, leaving a neat, tidy trail behind them. Anna looks from their shoes to their hands, and then to Elsa's neutral smile. Her sister's not wrong, her thoughts are very specific right now. But it's not just one thought that's keeping her attention.
She gestures to Rapunzel piling a bunch of snow on Eugene's head before running away giggling. "I just...I hate feeling like the third wheel. That's all."
"Well you're not a third wheel, you've got me!" Elsa says innocently, oblivious to how Anna's going to take that comment. "And together we have a full set of wheels."
"Yeah but don't you feel weird hanging out with a bunch of high schoolers?" Anna asks, hoping that she'll be able to successfully sidestep her actual thoughts, keep from speaking the truth.
"Eugene's twenty, I've known Rapunzel for forever, and I've known you for longer than that. So no, I don't feel weird at all."
That makes one of them.
The truth is that...well it's been the same truth for months, but once again the old has been made new in Anna's mind and heart. The wound caused by being kicked out of her home is still fresh, but she's been able to go from thinking about it twenty-four hours a day to more like sixteen. And with the other eight, the thoughts she was hoping would go away just came back in full force.
It was nice for a moment to only think of Elsa as her super caring older sister, but that infatuation broke through the rebuilding floodgates. Every time they hold hands, Anna's heart rate rises; every time Elsa hugs her, Anna can't breathe; every time they're alone, Anna wants to kiss her.
Thankfully, she's gotten really good at keeping these thoughts to herself. And Elsa never asks-
"There's something else though, right?"
Anna hates that they're holding hands because she knows Elsa can feel her tense up, which means any chance at saying it's nothing will be immediately unconvincing. The last time they even approached this subject, Anna was debating on telling Elsa. But so much has changed since then. Is she ready to say anything? Or not?
After a breath, Anna decides...that she's not. "When are you going back to St. Joseph's again?"
"January 6th," Elsa responds as whatever she's realizing causes her to frown. "Oh Anna, please don't tell me you're counting down the days."
"No, I- well I'm trying not to. But I'm asking, I guess, because I'm worried you're spending so much time with me and it's keeping you from preparing to go back." January 6th is still a little more than a month away, which means she has a little more than a month left with Elsa around every time she needs her.
And while Anna is worried that Elsa isn't taking enough time for herself, it's also dawned on her that a month isn't that long. What is she going to do when her sister's gone?
This question adds another ache in her heart, another weight pressing down on her. And she could have avoided it had she been ready to confess something to Elsa. "I don't want you falling behind because of me," she says, further digging in the knife she plunged into her own chest. "I mean God knows-"
Anna gasps as a chunk of snow is squashed on top of her head.
She lets go of Elsa's hand and wipes the snow out of her hair, "Holy...butts that's cold!"
The crafty older sister pats her hands together, grinning at a job well done. "You were slipping," she says.
"I was what?" Anna asks.
"Slipping. That's what my therapist called it every time I started going down a self-deprecation spiral. She'd say that I was slipping, and I'd try and reframe my mindset so I didn't trap myself with thinking things that weren't true."
Anna brushes the snow off her shoulders and frowns, "And you couldn't just tell me I was slipping?"
Elsa shrugs, "I felt like you needed a stronger attention grabber."
"Well gee thanks."
Again there's another tonal shift so quick that it almost gives Anna whiplash. Elsa's grin goes from amused to assuring, and she feels her sister's hands run through her hair and settle along the back of her neck, thumbs running along her jawline. And when Elsa leans in, Anna's heart stops.
But there's no kiss.
In fact, Elsa doesn't even tilt her head or look at her lips, the not-so-subtle hints Hans would give when he wanted to kiss her. She immediately scrubs the thought of Hans away from her mind, which is easy when Elsa's blue eyes are making her knees weak.
"You are not a burden," Elsa says softly. "And I'm doing everything I can on my own time to get ready for St. Joseph's again. With the free time I do have, I'm choosing to spend that with you. Not just because I want to help you, not just because it feels like hell at home, but also because I want to spend time with you. All the best memories I have are with my little sister, and I want more of those before I go."
If Anna's knees weren't weak before, they certainly are now. She's speechless; which might be a good thing, because what can she possibly say to follow up that? Luckily, she's saved from responding by Rapunzel.
"Hey slowpokes!" Her friend exclaims from much farther across the park than she's expecting (how slow were they walking?). "Come on, we're gonna get ice cream!"
Elsa pulls her hands away and responds for both of them. "We're coming!"
Anna focuses solely on trying to lessen the redness on her cheeks, keeping it from looking too noticeable. She's now thankful for the cold- and for Elsa piling snow on her- because it's a good cover to explain away her blushing. The cold has her flushed, that's what she'll say if Rapunzel or Eugene asks. When she looks back at Elsa, she's surprised to see the cold might be getting to her too.
Her cheeks are just as red as Anna's.
The ice cream must have had some NyQuil in it because when they get back in the car to continue their adventure, Anna falls asleep almost immediately. All she remembers before passing out is agreeing to go to someplace out of town.
When she wakes up, her eyes remain closed and she can tell that they're still on the road. She's also resting on what she hopes is Elsa's shoulder.
Though the voices are muffled, she's still able to make out the conversation going on without her.
"How's she been sleeping?" Elsa asks.
"Not good," Rapunzel replies. "She's always falling asleep like this when we're driving to school. I think she wakes up a few times during the night."
She does.
"I want to believe that's because it takes her a while to settle into a new bed, but..."
"Yeah, I know," Rapunzel answers sympathetically.
"Thank you again for taking care of her. I know it's a really big ask for you and your family, but it means the world to me that Anna's somewhere safe."
"Anna's my best friend. I know if I was in a similar situation, she'd do the same for me."
"So, you really don't have any problems with her being...gay?" Anna knows that the only reason Elsa hesitates in saying the word is because she doesn't know if she should be talking about something this personal while Anna's "asleep". She wonders if now would be a good time to finally wake up, but she's also curious to hear what they'll say if they think she isn't listening.
"If I'm being honest, I...I think I didn't like it at first. But after asking myself why I didn't like it, I couldn't come up with a good reason. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that, well, she's still Anna before and after. It'll take me a little more time to fully get used to it, but no I don't have any problems with her being gay."
"I'm so happy to hear that, Rapunzel," Elsa says. Anna's happy to hear it too.
"Hey, we're almost there," Eugene adds. "Maybe we should wake her up?"
"I gotcha."
Anna feels something tickle the tip of her nose and then travel upward to right between her eyebrows. This feeling repeats a couple times before Anna realizes it must be Elsa stroking her nose with the tip of her finger. "Anna," she whispers. "It's time to wake up."
The stroking is soothing at first, and then it becomes far too ticklish. Anna scrunches her nose and grumbles incoherently.
Elsa giggles. "I think she's waking up."
Playing it up a little so it doesn't look like she's been awake this whole time, Anna slowly opens her eyes and blinks, but she doesn't lift herself up from her sister's shoulder. "Wha...we here?" she mumbles.
"Eeyup," Rapunzel replies. "We've arrived at...the middle of nowhere."
"Wheeee," Anna says weakly.
They aren't actually in the middle of nowhere, but they aren't anywhere in particular either. After failing to agree on their next destination, Eugene suggested that he take them to a spot outside of town where he'd go when his foster parents were feeling particularly...not nice. It turns out that place is one of those dirt stops on a mountainside road, one you'd pull over onto when you wanted to check on something with your car. Or, in places like this, where you'd go to see one of the most breathtaking views ever.
The city skyline has been completely replaced by ocean waves as far as the eye can see, and steep, grassy cliffs and inclines that promise a long and painful way down. The winter frost has touched down here as well, turning the rolling green hills into cold, white mounds. Barely any cars are traveling on either side of the road.
Eugene sits on the guardrail and then kicks his legs over so he's facing the ocean. Rapunzel gasps and wraps her arms tightly around his shoulders. "Don't do that! You might fall!"
"I've been here hundreds of times, blondie," Eugene replies, his voice strained by his girlfriend's vise grip. "I'm not gonna fall."
"Of course you won't, because I'm holding you," Rapunzel explains.
Anna walks over to the guardrail but hesitates and shoves her hands into her pockets. The last time she was this close to a cliffside…
Those thoughts are long gone from her mind, and they have no reason for returning, but that doesn't change the fact that she's scared. Had she known that Eugene was taking them somewhere this far up, maybe she would have suggested somewhere else. Then again, she never asked where they were going.
But Elsa's here, with her arm looping around Anna's, to show that this time things are different. This time she isn't alone.
"You wanna ditch the lovebirds and drive down to that beach?" Elsa asks with a sly grin.
Anna snorts, "We'd never get away with it."
"Ah wait, I just realized Eugene still has the keys." Elsa shrugs, "It was worth a shot."
Anna looks at her sister, taking a mental snapshot of this moment. The cloud-covered sunlight and white road combined with Elsa's light features and pink sweater reiterate what Anna already knows: Elsa's the color she desperately needs in a world full of black-and-white. "I've already thanked you for being here for me, right?"
"A few times, yes, but I never get tired of hearing it."
"Well then thank you again." Anna finds enough strength here with Elsa to walk over to the guardrail. The drop doesn't seem too bad, but it once again reminds her of how tied down she feels. Looking at the expanse surrounding them, she can't help but think of what it would feel like to fly through the valley. But if she tried, would she actually fly? Or would she be pulled down to the ground?
"What are you thinking about?" Elsa asks her.
Again, maybe it's the ice cream, but this time Anna doesn't feel right omitting things. Not wanting to lie to her sister but still not wanting to worry her too much, she answers, "I feel...off."
"Off?"
Anna nods, "Like everything's out of place up here." She points to her head. "Like I know who I am, but for some reason my mind just won't accept it. Do you...did you ever feel like that?"
Elsa lets out a sympathetic hum, "All the time. It's hard not being able to fully accept who you are."
"So what helped?"
"A lot of things, I learned a lot of coping mechanisms to help remind myself I'm not a burden or an impostor. But one of the major things that helped was verbalizing my validation. Speaking my existence into, well, existence."
Anna chuckles, it seems like she did one thing right after all.
"Whether it was in front of the mirror, to my therapist, to God himself, the more I spoke the truth, the easier it was to handle it and embrace it. For example…"
Elsa slips out of Anna's grasp, which causes the younger sister to internally whine at the loss of contact. She watches as Elsa steps up to the guardrail, rolls her shoulders, and cups her hands around her mouth. With a volume Anna's never heard before, Elsa shouts.
"I'M BISEXUAL! AND I THINK GIRLS ARE CUTER THAN BOYS!"
Anna sees Rapunzel and Eugene flinch from the other side of the rail. It's then that she realizes that they never knew this about Elsa, so this doubles as her coming out to two more people. Anna's grateful to see that neither of them disapproves, however Rapunzel looks like she almost had a heart attack. After the initial shock wears off, Eugene turns to the ocean and replies just as loud.
"I FEEL THE SAME WAY! ALSO, WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?!"
Anna and Elsa burst into laughter, poor Rapunzel squeaks and repeatedly smacks Eugene in the shoulder.
"I'm helping Anna feel loved and validated," Elsa explains as she walks over to the couple, Anna of course is right behind her.
"And you're doing that by telling the ocean you're gay?" Eugene asks while rubbing his shoulder.
"The ocean doesn't judge, and besides I'm sure it's heard worse."
Fully recovered, Rapunzel says, "Perfect love casts out fear. I get it."
"Exactly." Anna can't help but smile as Elsa's eyes and smile widen from getting this opportunity to not only give some mental health advice but to geek out on Scripture. "God's love casts out fear of condemnation, but if we learn to love ourselves too, then we can cast out our own fear of being shamed or unworthy."
"So, you just shout out something super personal and it helps you feel better about yourself?" Eugene asks. "It's that easy?"
"Well, there's a bit more nuance to it, but when you put it that simply...yeah, it's that easy."
"Cool." He stands up, thankfully on the safe side of the guardrail, and after clearing his throat, he speaks a much more personal truth into the wind.
"MY FOSTER PARENTS ARE DICKS! I'M THE MAN THAT I AM TODAY BECAUSE I HAD TO RAISE MYSELF!"
Quick to respond, Rapunzel hugs Eugene tightly from behind. "Yes, you are, babe. And you're a wonderful man." They share a quick kiss and then Rapunzel looks at Elsa. "My turn?"
"Not really up to me, but go for it if you want."
"Awesome!" Rapunzel sets her stance like she's waiting for the ocean to tackle her, takes a deep breath, and lets loose.
"I DON'T WANT TO GO TO ST. JOSEPH'S! I WANT TO TAKE A YEAR OFF AND SEE THE WORLD!"
Elsa applauds for her wanderlust, and Eugene lets out a "That's my girl!" While the couple celebrates with more public displays of affection, Elsa turns to her observing sister and says, "You don't have to go if you don't want to."
But that's not what Anna wants.
Being here with her closest friends, in a place untouched and undisturbed by the rest of the world, and hearing them get things off their chest that they've been holding onto for who knows how long...it was intimidating at first, but now Anna feels inspired. And in that moment, with everyone else leaning against the guardrail and looking at the large waves crashing on the cold sand, Anna feels freedom.
Even if it's only for a moment, at least she knows it can happen. At least she knows it exists.
Anna steps up right next to Elsa, Rapunzel, and Eugene, and she speaks her existence into existence.
"I AM MORE THAN WHAT PEOPLE WANT ME TO BE!"
She's never felt a greater thrill in her life, being able to say those words without judgment...it's like flying without leaving the ground. It's Elsa's turn to rest her head on Anna's shoulder. Finding her younger sister's hand, she squeezes it and says, "I'm so proud of-"
"ALSO I'M GAY!"
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." (1 John 4:18)
Chapter 21
Notes:
A/N: You're not ready.
Chapter Text
Five Sundays.
Today marks five Sundays since Anna was exiled from her home. Five Sundays away from her parents, away from her own bedroom, and away from Hillside, a place that used to be her second home.
It's not like she's longing to head back to the church, in fact she still doesn't hesitate to say no when Rapunzel asks if she wants to come with them to service. But she does miss the place.
She misses the ambient music playing through the speakers as greeters welcome everyone inside the sanctuary, she misses the long hallways with pictures of families that she's grown up around, she misses sneaking out during a boring sermon about taxes and stealing a donut from the refreshment table.
She misses the memories.
But until she hears from Pastor Tom, it doesn't feel right going back yet. If that really is what she wants to do. After all, her parents are still there. Hans probably won't be there, which is a small blessing, but the girls who still treat her like a germ at school will definitely be there. No matter what she chooses, she won't be able to escape the glances, the whispers, the shaming. Whether she wants to go back or not, especially with Elsa leaving soon, is a decision she's not keen on making yet.
Besides, she has a much more pressing issue to deal with.
"No."
"We're already halfway there."
"Elsa, I will jump out of the car."
"No, you won't."
"You wanna bet?"
"Sure."
"...alright fine, I won't." Anna clutches her seatbelt and frowns so hard it would make a bunny feel guilty. "But this still doesn't feel like a good idea."
"Mother and father stopped going to the 10 AM service because they didn't like the regulars asking them so many questions about us," Elsa replies. It's the most candid information Anna's heard about their parents in weeks. "They go to the 11:30 service now. Which means the house will be empty for at least half an hour."
"But what-"
"We're going to be fine, Anna," her sister says with a sternness she rarely ever expresses. "And besides, I promised I'd take you home, and...right now this is the best I can do."
Even though her anxiety makes her want to keep protesting, Anna bites her tongue. She realizes now that this is more than Elsa trying to do something spontaneous to help with her mood. "You're doing more than enough...you realize that, right?" Anna asks her.
Elsa gives her a sad smile, "Thirty minutes. We'll be gone before they get back." She takes one hand off the steering wheel and wraps her fingers around the back of Anna's hand. And once again, Anna's conflicting thoughts make her want to pull away.
But the more Anna tries to pull away, the more Elsa pursues her; all so she can comfort her little sister. Yet the more she comforts her, the further Anna falls for her. And the further she falls for Elsa, the more she feels the need to pull away. She's trapped in a vicious cycle and doesn't know when it will end.
Or how.
True to Elsa's word, their parents' car isn't in the driveway when they arrive. Anna feels as if she's coming back from an extended vacation, but everything about this image- their front yard, their house- seems skewed. Nothing feels like it's where it should be, everything feels out of place. The front door should be a couple more centimeters to the right, the unmowed grass on the front lawn should be greener, the "Bless this House" sign should be bigger.
Elsa unlocks the door and tells her, "Go to the kitchen first. I have something for you."
Anna pouts, "You didn't bake like a big 'Welcome Back' cake, did you?"
"And let mother and father know I was planning this? Of course not." Elsa takes one quick glance outside before locking the front door. "I went with something way more subtle."
The inside feels different too. Anna instinctively goes to take off her shoes but notices that there's no longer a shoe mat by the front door. Neither is there a giant blanket on the living room couch they got as a gift from Aunt Gerda. Neither are there half the family pictures along the stairs.
Elsa rushes up to her room and says she needs to grab something, leaving Anna alone momentarily as she walks down the corridor to the kitchen. It's a short walk, but that doesn't keep her from feeling suffocated by the two walls on either side of her. One of them with a large whiteboard they used to write down reminders and grocery lists.
There's only one thing written on the whiteboard, black smudges showing that it's been erased and rewritten multiple times:
LET ANNA COME BACK HOME
Anna thinks this might be the thing Elsa was alluding to when she said there was something for her, but as she walks into the kitchen, she sees what has to be the real surprise waiting for her. Right in front of the chair that used to be hers during dinner is a plate of M&M cookies. Arranged into the shape of a heart.
"Sorry that they're store-bought. Didn't want to raise suspicions by baking cookies that just so happen to be your favorite."
Anna turns around and sees Elsa's returned with a piece of paper in her hand and a hopeful smile on her face.
"How long have you been planning this?" Anna asks.
Elsa bites her lip and it's shamefully cute, "A week? Maybe a little more than that?" She holds out the paper in her hand like it's a test she's been stressing over and Anna's her teacher. "I drew you something too."
Anna's thoughts already start to revolve around how she doesn't deserve it as she takes the drawing from her sister. It's another custom snowman, much more appropriate now that it's December. The snowman- or rather, snow woman- has a loose copper-colored ponytail with a determined look on her face and a sword in her twiggy hand. Around the snow woman's neck is a rainbow-colored flag. And at the bottom of the picture in big, bold letters it says SUPER ANNA.
And here Anna thought there was no way she could appreciate Elsa more. Eyes glued to the drawing, all she knows how to say in response is, "I-I don't know what to say."
"Do you like it?" Elsa asks with uncharacteristic eagerness.
"You know I do," Anna responds quickly so as to not make Elsa think for another second that she doesn't like it. "It's just...I don't know how I'm ever going to repay you for this. All of this."
"Anna, there's nothing that you need to do to pay me back." Elsa's lips curl into a mischievous grin. "But if you don't start eating those cookies, I'm going to steal them from you."
And although the infatuation is once again growing to unmanageable levels, Anna tries to laugh it away, "Ha! I'd like to see you try." She hurries into her seat and shoves two cookies into her face. With a full mouth, she mumbles, "Nah whuh?"
The cookies, though store-bought, taste delicious.
The uncompromising bliss that comes from eating cookies only lasts until Anna finally decides to tackle going upstairs. They have maybe fifteen minutes till they need to leave, but she wants to see her room. She needs to see it.
While Elsa's busy washing and putting away the plate, Anna stands before her bedroom door working up the courage needed to do this. This shouldn't be so hard, after all it's her own room. Well...that's how it should feel like at least. But when she puts her hand on the doorknob, it feels like someone else is doing it.
It's like she shouldn't be here.
The feeling intensifies when the body she's inhabiting turns the doorknob and opens the door slowly. It's cold and untouched. The blinds are still open, her closet is still agape with shirts spilling out one of the drawers from when she was hurriedly packing her suitcase, and her Bluetooth speaker is still plugged into the charger. Anna watches more than feels herself step inside, her shoes keeping her from feeling the softness of the carpet. Even when she breathes, it feels hollow.
But when she places her hands on her bed, the covers still tangled and unfolded, she finally feels like herself. When she smells that faint lavender scent on the sheets, the familiarity that she's looking for finally comes to her.
She lays down and revels in the way she sinks into the mattress. And she finds so much comfort despite the lack of pillows or a blanket that she curls up.
"Please don't tell me you're taking a nap," Elsa says, finally making her way upstairs too. "It'll take forever to wake you up."
"I'm still awake," Anna mumbles back. Her mattress sinks a little as Elsa sits down and rubs her hand along her arm.
"You okay?" Elsa asks softly.
"Mmhmm." Not really, but when was the last time she was truly okay? Does the moment when she was looking out at the ocean count? "Just missed my bed a lot."
"I understand." Elsa lets her enjoy being back in her own bed for a few more seconds before adding, "I hope you're still not upset that I sprung this surprise on you."
Anna hates when her sister feels the slightest bit of guilt. She forces herself to sit up and looks Elsa in the eyes, seeing both the visible guilt and the invisible hope to make Anna proud. "I was never upset at you, Elsa. I was just scared to come back. I...it's hard to feel welcome here after what happened. And if our parents come back early, then I'm gonna get you in trouble."
Elsa shakes her head and smiles, running her hand through the hair on top of Anna's head. "I don't care about getting in trouble. I just want to make you happy."
Once again, there's that painful heartache, the dangerous loss of breath. Why does Elsa always know exactly what to say? Why does the smallest smile always turn Anna upside down? Why does the softest touch make her skin burn?
"You're pretty good at that," Anna says with the faintest of voices her body will allow her to use.
And in a second that lasts for an eternity, Elsa's hand travels to her cheek, her eyes narrow the slightest bit, she leans forward...and brushes her thumb across the corner of Anna's lip and then leans back.
"Sorry, there was a crumb on your lip and it was bugging me," Elsa says. "I got it though, don't worry."
Anna blinks, and blinks, and blinks again. It's the only signal her brain can send to her body as it's resetting itself. She thinks she hears Elsa saying something about their time being up, thinks she feels Elsa guide her by the hand out of her room, thinks she sees a piece of her still lying down on her bed as the door closes.
She doesn't come back to herself until they're pulling out of the driveway.
They weren't going to kiss. Elsa wasn't going to kiss her. Anna thinks it's ridiculous that she even believed that might happen.
But gosh did she want it to.
Elsa hums along to Sleigh Ride and shimmies her shoulders to the beat, oblivious to Anna's struggle to avoid looking at her lips. She wonders what they would feel like pressed against her own, and then snaps her gaze back to the drawing in her hand. The smoothness of the hair and the way the cape flows in an unseen breeze are sure signs of Elsa's attention to detail. She imagines Elsa's hand delicately brushing away eraser shavings, and how delicate they were on her neck.
Anna has to grunt to get that thought out of her head, which of course alerts her sister. "What was that?" Elsa asks with a chuckle.
"Sorry, I...coughed. Weird cough. Must have been the cookies, you sure you didn't poison them?"
"I wouldn't poison my sister, don't be ridiculous." Elsa looks at her and grins, "I'd challenge her to a sword fight. Give her a chance, you know?"
"Oh please, I'd so beat you in a sword fight. I'm very scrappy."
"I seem to remember our karate classes telling a different story," Elsa says, alluding to one summer eleven years ago when they learned karate at the rec center.
"That's not fair, you were taller back then," Anna argues.
"I'm still taller today!"
"By like an inch! When you were eleven, you were like...a giraffe!"
Elsa gasps, "Mean."
"But true."
Another lull settles in, this one a little easier for Anna to settle in. Even a brief, silly conversation with Elsa can get her out of her head for a minute. She leans her head against the cold window and watches the patches of snowy streets streak by. But Elsa doesn't seem to want the quiet just yet.
"What would I do without you?" she asks, but it's with a voice so quiet that Anna only hears it because of the silent transition on the radio into another Christmas song.
Anna's heart outruns her head, and as she's wondering if she should let that question linger, her lips are already moving to reply. "You'll always have me."
Thankfully, the happy exhale Elsa does and the way her shoulders relax tell her that she made the right choice.
Returning to Rapunzel's house feels faster than leaving it. They're still not back yet, but Anna's used to spending time alone here by now. Elsa's not always around, she uselessly reminds herself. "You sure...you'll be okay at home?" Anna asks her, stopping herself from asking if Elsa's sure she can't stay over.
Elsa parks the car and answers, "Well, they stopped calling me down for dinner which means I can spend less time seeing their faces than I already do."
"Aren't you afraid they might kick you out too?" It's a question that might hurt Elsa as much as it hurts her for asking it. But she needs to make sure Elsa's not making irreparable damage to her relationship with their parents too.
"One problem at a time," Elsa says sternly before getting out of the car.
Elsa can't stay for too long because she has an appointment with her guidance counselor today. The only reason she didn't just drop Anna off is that she accidentally left her bag here after they came back from their trip yesterday. Anna leads the way and unlocks the front door, "I just...I'm worried. That's all."
"They won't do anything to me, you know that," Elsa assures. "Not unless they want all of Copper Springs to know that they kicked their own daughter out for being gay."
Elsa's blunt words sting, but sometimes the truth hurts. She makes up for it by, once again, reaching out to hold Anna's hand and guide her to the bedroom. Which, of course, gets Anna's mind racing again. She thinks she'll never get tired of this, but hates that it comes with the price of tempting thoughts.
The thought this time is to pull Elsa back, catch her by surprise, and kiss her against the bedroom door.
Elsa opens said door and scans the room for a second before clicking her tongue, "There it is." She lets go of Anna's hand, which momentarily devastates her.
"You'll text me when you get back, right?" Anna asks, trying to rid herself of her previous thought.
"Always. You know me." Elsa slings the backpack over her shoulder and smiles at her little sister. "And you better get that New Testament essay done, alright? It's not Christmas Break for you just yet."
Anna pouts, "You don't need to remind me. I'm not twelve."
Elsa shrugs, "Force of habit." She walks back to Anna and does the same gesture she did at the park, running her hand through her hair before laying it on the back of her neck. Again, she says, "You know me."
"I do," she replies. They're no longer outside in the cold air, Anna has no way to cover up the redness on her cheeks with the blinds closed and the room lights on. She has no way to retreat without raising suspicion so...so she doesn't.
She can't take this anymore. The thoughts will never go away, the feelings will never settle down. And if God is still watching her, she hopes he will be merciful in his final judgment.
With an abject feeling of both thrill and terror, Anna steps forward and kisses her sister.
She...kisses her sister.
Anna's kissing her sister, Elsa.
Her hands are on Elsa's hips, her lips are experiencing a softness and warmth unfamiliar, and her mind is racing faster than it's ever done before. The only discernible thought she can make out is "Oh my God."
It's almost like she's just jumped off a cliff and is waiting to dive feet first into the roaring waters below. A part of her is relieved, but a part of her wonders with each passing second if this was the worst mistake she's ever made. It's exhilarating and terrifying, and there's no turning back now.
Elsa's lips are soft and gentle just like the rest of her, and they taste faintly like chocolate. When her lips move, and it feels like Elsa's reciprocating, it vindicates every single agonizing, lonely night Anna's ever had. When she breathes, Anna thinks...hopes it's a happy sigh so that the post-kiss moment isn't a bad one.
But it will be.
She feels a hand on her shoulder about to push her away. She's reached the end of her dive, and her feet finally make contact with the surface of a river of flames. She steps back before Elsa has a chance to make her, and the wide-eyed terror on her older sister's face almost causes her to burst into tears.
How could she do this to Elsa?
"A-Anna?" Elsa says as if she's speaking that name for the first time.
There is no more exhilaration, all Anna feels is terrified. She feels unseen eyes all around her, glaring and judging, and at the epicenter is Elsa looking at her like she doesn't recognize her anymore. It's too much, and she wants to escape but there's nowhere to go because this isn't her home, and she doesn't have her car, and she's betrayed the only person she's ever found comfort in.
So, she does all that she can do. She mutters something that sounds like "I'm sorry" and hurries over to the bathroom. The dam bursts before she can make it, and she has to open the door through tear-drenched eyes. Once inside, she locks the door and slides against it, trying to cry as quietly as possible. The effort hurts her throat, but it can't be any worse than the pain she's just caused.
Elsa knocks on the door, asking Anna to talk to her, but she doesn't budge. Doesn't say a word. Doesn't let anyone in. Doesn't let anyone see. Doesn't do anything.
She's already fucked up enough.
Chapter 22
Notes:
A/N: Three things. One, I told you so.
Two, thank you for getting this fic to 10k hits on AO3. Since day one, I was so worried about how this story was going to do since it's touching on multiple heavy subjects. But seeing how much support this has gotten is really encouraging, and I'm hoping that as the rest of this story plays out that the support continues because...yeesh. We're going places, fam.
And third, I've finally revived my Tumblr, so if you want to, you can add me on there and see my Elsanna shitposts and ask me questions about literally anything. The link is https://djupcake.tumblr.com/
Anyway, hopefully this chapter doesn't hurt as much as the last one. My b.
Chapter Text
Anna, please answer your phone.
Please talk to me.
I'm not upset. I just want to talk to you.
Rapunzel says you haven't been eating. Please eat something.
I still love you.
Please don't shut me out.
Please, Anna…
Anna flips her phone face down as she gets a notification of Elsa's latest text message. She doesn't even need to look at Rapunzel to tell she doesn't approve of that decision.
"You can't keep ignoring her forever," her friend says.
"It won't be forever," Anna argues. "Just until she goes back to St. Joseph's, meets up with her cool college friends, and forgets that I exist."
Rapunzel gasps, dropping her fork in her salad. "That's even worse! Well no, forever's still worse, but the fact that you've planned this out is bad too."
Anna looks down at her bottle of water, the label peeled off and discarded earlier in the lunch period. "You weren't there, Rapunzel," she replies, and quietly she adds, "She doesn't want anything to do with me."
"I think her texts say otherwise," Rapunzel argues. "And all the times she's called me to ask how you're doing."
"Well, I don't deserve to see her," Anna snaps. Thankfully, they're in their new, secluded lunch spot so no one's around to hear that. "I'm sorry, it's not your fault, I...I don't deserve to see her. That's all."
Rapunzel purses her lips, all ready to dispute these hopeless self-deprecating comments, but Anna looks at her hoping she drops it. She's trying for a glare at first but knows it's unfair to project any of her anger towards her friend who's just wondering what's going on.
And that's what she feels most of all: anger...and shame. Both at herself.
She's ashamed about all the mistakes she's made. She's ashamed for not being able to control herself and damaging her relationship with Elsa, the one thing she said she never wanted to do. And she's ashamed at not keeping these stupid feelings to herself. Her inability to do these painfully simple things angers her to the point that she wants to do something about it.
But what? Crying is pointless, she's not going to jump off a cliff because that'd just hurt Elsa more, and she's already been kicked out of her home so she doesn't have to worry about packing her things and running away.
There's nothing left she can do other than ignoring all of Elsa's messages until she moves on and forgets she even had a sister in the first place.
I still love you. That message hurts more than the others because as much as Anna wants that to be true, she knows Elsa's only saying that because she has to. She loves Anna because feeling anything else would break her younger sister's poor, incest-tainted heart. She knows the message should read something like:
I still love you...but I think it's best we keep our distance.
Even now, Elsa's still protecting her from getting hurt. And how does Anna repay her? By tearing through her boundaries and kissing her.
Selfish. Childish. Pathetic. Fine, she's gay, but she couldn't find some other girl to fall for? She really couldn't pursue anyone except the girl who's lived like ten feet apart from her for her whole life?
What is wrong with her?
"There's nothing wrong with you."
Anna looks over to see Rapunzel's hand on top of hers. She has concern written on her face that she's trying to cover up with a smile. Figures, once again Anna's let out something that should have remained unspoken. But then Rapunzel's quick to remind her, "I've known you forever, Anna. I know that look either means you're wondering what's wrong with you, or you're trying to do math in your head. And I'm pretty sure it's not the second one."
In any other scenario, at any other time, Anna would smile and say that she appreciates her friend's concern. But instead, she says pitifully, "You didn't know I was gay…"
Rapunzel bites her lip and confesses, "I...had my suspicions."
"You mean at the carnival?" Anna bites back. "When you said you were afraid I might be gay?"
Her friend winces like she's just been punched in the stomach, it's clear that she was hoping those words would never come back to haunt her. "Anna," is all that she can muster before this unforeseen anger continues.
Anna purses her lips and speaks once more without thinking. Because not thinking is all she's good for nowadays. "I specifically remember you saying that it was 'easier' if I wasn't gay. Why? Is it because your life is less complicated if you never had to carry the burden of having a gay friend? Am I worth less to you now that your fear has come true?"
Rapunzel gasps, "Anna, you know that's not true! When you came out to me, I was nothing but supportive."
"Because you needed to be!"
"No, because I wanted to!" Rapunzel has every right to be upset, but there's only concern on her face. Uncompromised and unbroken concern in response to this sudden outburst. "Where is this anger coming from?"
"Wh-where...where?!" Anna laughs, but it's devoid of any joy or humor. "I have parents who don't want me anymore, a college who won't take me in for some godforsaken reason, I'm not allowed to go back to my own home and sleep on my own bed, I have an ex-boyfriend who texted me to go to hell and turned out to be a sex offender, and my own sister...my own sister…" Anna crushes her water bottle between her hands and with a painful shout, she throws it across the concrete. She's promised herself so many times not to cry about things she could change, but when she can't bear to face the world anymore, she buries her face in her hands. The tears find no resistance as they travel from her eyes and down her wrists. "I messed up," she says in a harsh whisper. "And I-I don't know what to do...I don't know what to do."
Rapunzel rests a hand on her knee, letting some silence pass between them so that Anna can cry uninterrupted. But Anna doesn't know if that's what she needs. "I'll never ask about what happened if you don't want to talk about it," Rapunzel says in a tone that sounds like she was mid-prayer and figured to say this part out loud, "Just know that I'm always here for you. No matter what."
Anna lifts her head up and runs her hands through her barely combed hair. She sniffles and replies, "I know. I'm sorry for getting mad at you. I didn't mean it."
She thinks back to the day she came out to Rapunzel, the day she was set to disappear. Her friend was shocked and literally had to take a step back to process it. The first words she said to Anna were "How do you know?" She barely heard the question, her focus being the relief she felt when Rapunzel didn't tell her to leave. Anna repeated everything she said to Elsa earlier that day, and she could tell through Rapunzel's furrowed brow and slight nodding that she was doing her best to understand.
At the end of the conversation, Rapunzel hugged her and said she was still her friend. No matter what.
To this day those words still ring in her head, which is why it's so unfair that she blew up on Rapunzel about something that's so insignificant now. Still, Anna wonders if that promise would stay if Rapunzel knew why she wasn't talking to Elsa anymore. She shoves that thought aside and rests her head on Rapunzel's shoulder, clinging to the last bit of good that she hasn't pushed away.
"I should probably pick up the water bottle," she mutters.
Rapunzel lets out a soft giggle, "Don't worry. I've got it."
I really miss you, Anna.
Pastor Tom came by the house today. He talked to mother and father, I stayed in my room.
I love you. But I get that you need your space. I'll be here when you want to talk again.
It's been three days since Elsa stopped texting her and almost two weeks since the accident.
It's also two weeks till Christmas…
Anna's always loved the Christmas season. As soon as November 1st hit, she would dust off her Christmas playlist and listen to it on repeat; her entire wardrobe would consist of pine-tree green, and candy cane red and white; she would spend every night in December watching Christmas movies.
This year...the only time she even listened to Christmas music was with Elsa in her car. She didn't pack any Christmas-themed clothes with her so her wardrobe is a moot point. And she opts to barely hear the sounds of joy and sleigh bells from the guest room. It's hard, obviously, to get into the spirit of things and count her blessings when the list is dwindling by the day. Gentle reminders that this holiday is supposed to about the birth of Jesus Christ only leave her feeling guilty for thinking about herself.
So, what are the blessings she can hold on to? There's Rapunzel, of course. Their relationship hasn't been negatively affected after Anna blew up on her, and she even accepted Anna's apology cookies she baked, despite the fact that she added too much sugar and they kinda melted on the tray. The semester just ended, so there's another blessing since Anna's motivation dipped and she basically limped to the finish line. No more St. Joseph's means no more having to keep her grades up, but she forced herself to keep her grades up anyway.
She's not dead, so that's kind of a blessing. Right?
It's not like she doesn't want to be alive. It's that now, with her life laid out on the table, there's nothing she can look at and say "That's why I'm still here." Her overall state of being is that of a perpetual tunnel with no discernible light at the end. She could be moving forward or backward and at this point, she'd never know which way is which. Would it be better to take everything back and live in a comfortable lie? Or does she keep going into this...unknown?
Anna doesn't care at this point, and that scares her. Wherever this tunnel leads, it's clear she's no longer the one driving through it. She's just a passenger.
Of course, she was never the driver, right? It was always Jesus. And he's gotta count as a blessing too, right? Where would she be right now if it wasn't for him? Would her life be much worse? Or is this life a consequence of not following him? Of giving in to her lust instead of containing it or letting it go?
But the Scripture says that Jesus will never leave her. So...doesn't that mean her life is where it's at now because of him?
Anna slides into her pajamas even though it's only 4 PM and falls onto the bed. "Of course," she tells herself as a reaction to her phone vibrating once more. She can't understand why Elsa still wants anything to do with her, even going so far as to break her own promise to keep silent, but regardless she lets the call go to voicemail.
Jesus should be a blessing right now. After all, it's the Christmas season! A time of laughter, joy, and good tidings, a sense of hope in a cruel world. The birth of the light in this ever-present darkness. The light for everyone...except her. Anna's decided that, if Jesus is still hanging around somewhere, he's all but given up on her. He's not here with her, he's left to find someone more loyal. She's screwed up one too many times, and the kiss was the final straw.
Now she's on her own, just like she should be. Or maybe he left a long time ago, and that's why her life's felt so silent and empty. He saw the writing on the wall and ditched her before things got worse. Before Natura, before the confession, before Hans, before she fell in love with Elsa.
Anna puts her forearm over her eyes, blocking out the ceiling fan light. For a minute, all she can hear is the soft whirr of the fan blades, and the faint Christmas music playing from the living room TV, and she wonders if maybe she could just fall asleep for the next six months or so.
A while later, Anna wakes up not knowing exactly when she fell asleep. All she knows is that her shoulder and head hurt, there's sweat and drool all over her face, and she's starving. With a groan that doesn't even begin to vocalize her entire state of miserableness, she sits up and wipes her face and arm with a towel.
Naps, as much as she loves them, always tend to wipe her out. Especially if there's no one around to wake her up and she has to do it "naturally". Groggy, but able to see straight at least, she takes her phone out of her pocket. She only wants to check the time, but instead something else catches her eye.
The person calling her earlier wasn't Elsa, it was Pastor Tom. And he left a voicemail. Obliging as she still is, she immediately pulls up the voicemail and listens to it.
"Hey Anna, it's Pastor Tom. I hope you're doing well, and that you're taking care of yourself. I'm leaving this voicemail both to say that I apologize for how long it's taken me to get back to you, recent events have caused me to prioritize Hillside for a little bit. I'm sure you're aware of at least one of them. And to also say that...uh, I've finally talked to your parents. Multiple times, actually. It's been a long and difficult process, but they've finally agreed to talk to you. This Saturday. I'll be there as a mediator. I know this...it's been so hard for you, and I'm really hoping that this will be the first step towards building that bridge back for your family. I just want to reiterate that you did nothing wrong, and I am on your side. This talk is going to be important to have, for all of you. Anyway, sorry for maybe catching you at a bad time. Call me back when you get the chance. God bless."
Anna has to listen to it three more times before she's able to figure out how to respond.
I love you. So very much.
Rapunzel pulls up to the curb and parks her car. The house looks different, much different than when Anna snuck in with Elsa. All the cars are parked in the driveway: hers, Elsa's, and their parents'. Pastor Tom's car is parked right next to her own. There are no lawn decorations on the grass, no Christmas lights along the roof. And while everything is intact, the house has this aura of a battlefield surrounding it. Unseen shrapnel, invisible broken wood boards and glass, and the muted stench of war.
As soon as Anna steps out of the car, she'll have to step onto this battlefield and confront one, if not both, of her fears.
Rapunzel leaves the car idling and asks, "Are you ready?"
Anna takes a breath and answers, "Not even a little bit." But she has to do this. Once she listened to Pastor Tom's voicemail she knew that, ready or not, this conversation needed to happen. If only because she really wanted to sleep in her own bed again.
And now she's here, hands shaking in the pockets of her hoodie, and eyes perilously scanning the windows wondering where exactly Elsa might be inside the house.
"You sure you don't want me to come with you? I mean I can wait in the car too."
Anna turns to her oldest, dearest friend and smiles, the only smile she'll probably give today. "No. I don't know how long this will take, and...well, I need to face this alone. I'll text you when I need a ride back." It doesn't make sense to anyone else why she's telling her friend to leave, but...it makes sense to her.
Rapunzel nods, guilt-ridden over having to drop her friend off at her own house. "Okay…"
Anna unbuckles her seatbelt and hugs Rapunzel. "Thank you for being here for me," she says softly.
"I'll always be here for you," Rapunzel says, sadness still seeping out from her kind words.
Time to face the music. She exits the car and lets out another breath, the winter chill turning it into a visible fog. Rapunzel drives away a few short seconds later, leaving her completely alone. "Here we go," she says with zero confidence.
Her shoes crunch underneath the bits of slush from last night's snowfall, and since they're old running shoes she treads carefully so as not to slip. The last thing she wants is to be nursing a bruise or sprain while seeing her parents for the first time in...two months.
Damn.
The welcome mat is damp and unchanged, her father's snow boots lay right next to the front door. She's tried not to think of all the possible outcomes of this conversation while also reminding herself that there can't be anything else that can go wrong. After all, what more does she have to lose?
With that question becoming a quickly-converted mantra, Anna rings the doorbell. No sense in wasting any more time.
In seconds, the door unlocks...and Pastor Tom is there to greet her. Wearing a neutral, dark green sweater and jeans this time, he smiles and says, "Anna! I'm so happy you're here!"
It feels wrong having to be greeted into what was once her home, especially by someone who isn't her parents. But a part of her is glad that the first face she sees is someone that's already vocalized their support for her, it's calming. Thinking for a second, she would have no idea how to react if one of her parents opened the door.
Or Elsa…
Anna, yet to take her hands out of her pockets, gives a small smile in return. "Thanks, Pastor Tom. I'm...sorry if I'm late."
"Oh not at all, you're just in time. And what am I doing? This is your house, I don't need to welcome you into your own house." He steps aside and lets Anna walk inside of her own accord. His words are bold, but the fact that he lowered his voice to say them means that not everyone here might not have the same sentiment. It's discouraging, but unexpected.
"Thank you," she repeats with the same soft volume. "Where…"
"In the kitchen," he responds. And lowering his voice even more so that Anna's definitely the only one that can hear him, he adds, "I can't lie to you, it's going to be rough. Are you ready?"
That's not a question she'll ever be ready to consider. Once again, she reminds herself that she has nothing left to lose. Anna looks in the direction of the kitchen, the view obscured from the hallway walls. Without answering Pastor Tom, and without taking off her shoes, she walks towards her parents.
Towards her judgment day.
Chapter 23
Notes:
A/N: If you haven't noticed it yet...yes, there will be a total of twenty-eight chapters in Unspoken. Which means after this one, there will be five more chapters left. Five more chapters to wrap things up, answer the Elsanna endgame question, and to get a look into what Elsa and Anna's future will look like. And that first glimpse will be in this conversation.
C/W: Homophobic theology, possible emotional abuse(?)
Chapter Text
The first thing that Anna notices when she walks into the kitchen is just how...old her parents look. Or maybe they've always looked like this, and she just hasn't seen it until now.
Her father wears his greying hair in a way that doesn't suit him, as if he doesn't know just how gray it is. His eyes still hold great wisdom in them, but also great sadness. Like he's seen the future, and it is bleak. And he looks as if he hasn't shaved in weeks. He leans back in his chair, arms crossed against a wrinkled white shirt.
Her mother tries to look a little more composed, with her hands folded on her lap and her smile polite and almost too vibrant, but the age shows on her as well. There's the stretch of skin and lack of sleep across her eyes, the cracked lips that reveal she's picked up her nervous habit again, and the prominent wrinkles along her frown lines (or "smile lines" as her mother usually calls them).
She's been gone for two months, but by the looks of her parents, it may as well have been ten years. The inside being devoid of any Christmas decorations- not even a tree- adds more to the muted, indiscernible time frame.
Elsa's not at the table with them, neither is she in the living room or the backyard. Anna's not entirely sure what she feels about her sister's absence, but she knows it doesn't feel good.
"Anna, we're so happy you're here," her mother says in her Sunday greeter voice.
Anna doesn't answer her, instead asking Pastor Tom who's emerged by her side, "You sure you want to be here for this?"
Pastor Tom's smile feels much more genuine, "I'm sure."
He sits in the chair usually reserved for Elsa, Anna sits in her own chair- if it still belongs to her, she decides not to wonder any further about that. And now this awkward dinner table semi-reunion can commence.
"Pastor Tom said you guys wanted to talk?" Anna asks tentatively.
Her father remains stoic, staring at nothing in particular. Her mother is the one that responds, still with that fabricated, welcoming voice. "We did. It's been too long, Anna, and we've really missed you."
That's definitely not what it feels like. Anna keeps her hands in her hoodie, hunched slightly and shifting her eyes far too much between her parents. "It's...yeah, it's been a while," she replies, knowing that's all she can honestly say at the moment. "So, how have you been?"
The question leaves a weird taste in Anna's mouth, it doesn't feel like something you should be asking your parents. And to be honest, she's not sure she wants to actually know how they're doing, she just didn't know how to start this conversation.
Her mother responds anyway, "It's been a very...trying couple of months. Definitely had its highs and lows, but by the grace of God, your father and I have pulled through."
"And Elsa?" Anna asks without thinking.
She can tell her mother is trying hard not to start biting her lip, her smile seems to get even tighter and less controlled. "Well, you two have been spending some time together, right? I'm sure you know how she's doing?"
Anna wants to ask why she's avoiding the question, but her father interrupts her. "How have Frederic and Arriana treated you? Are they taking good care of you?" While his questions are meant to show compassion, it's not apparent in his voice. It sounds more like he's asking about a borrowed lawnmower than an ejected daughter.
"Of course," Anna says, almost offended. "Rapunzel's parents are great. Not like…"
Her father's eyes narrow the slightest bit daring Anna to finish that sentence. She doesn't but lets out a pained sigh to know that she's only keeping her mouth shut out of politeness. All this time and she still has her father's teachings on discipline and social grace drilled into her head.
It's funny in a painful way thinking back on their childhood. He called Elsa and Anna his princesses when they were younger. Anna used to love hearing that. She loved imagining her home as their castle and she and Elsa would take turns saving each other from dragons (their stuffed animals). The other sister would be laying in bed, and they would have to be woken up with a true love's kiss. Of course, their version of a kiss was actually blowing on their eye.
Little did she know she would actually have to learn how to be a princess later. Always prim and proper, honoring their family name and appeasing her father's wishes, inevitably marrying a dashing prince. She wonders how her father sees her now. "So why...is there something you wanted to say?" she asks when her parents once again refuse to keep the conversation going.
Her parents exchange a look, an unheard conversation that you could only hear behind closed doors, and of course it's her mother that speaks for them both. Things like this, tough and awkward talks, have always fallen on their mother's shoulders. When it came to simple discipline talks, such as grades slipping or that one time Elsa and Anna broke a lamp and tried to glue it back together, that was their father's job.
The smile on her mother's face remains when she speaks. It's meant to assure Anna but it only succeeds in making her words feel fake and rehearsed, "We...your father and I have been talking a lot. And we've decided that our...reaction towards you was extreme. How we reacted is not the way we raised you and Elsa to behave."
Reacted?
"You mean when you shoved a suitcase onto me and told me I had ten minutes to pack up and leave the house before you called the cops?" That whole question is directed right at her father. All she remembered her mother doing was wailing on the backyard floor and screaming at God, "Not my daughter! Not my baby girl!"
Her father closes his eyes for a moment, a soft exhale leaving his nostrils. Aside from that, however, he doesn't respond. And that really frustrates Anna.
Her mother places a hand on her father's shoulder. "Yes, we both agreed that may have been an overreaction on our part."
"Mother, I don't remember you telling me to leave the house," Anna snaps back.
"Do not talk back to your mother," her father says like he gets to be mad right now.
Before the situation can escalate, Pastor Tom places his hand in the middle of the table and says with a rare, dictating voice, "I think we might be getting off-topic here. Let's bring it back and remind ourselves why we're having this talk. Agnarr, Iduna, I know there's more that you want to say to your daughter."
One look at her father and she can tell he didn't like being told what to do in his own household. However he has far too much respect for Pastor Tom to say anything about it. His stoic posture returns but he now leans forward, resting his elbows on the table. "Yes, we did," he says heavily.
Anna sits up slightly, thinking she might actually hear her father speak more than two sentences. But it's her mother, of course, who continues the conversation. "This house, this family, has not been the same since you've been gone."
Since you kicked me out, Anna wants to correct.
"We miss our daughter, and Elsa misses her sister," her mother says. For some reason, it stings to hear her say Elsa's name come out of her mother's lips. It feels wrong, like she's not allowed to say it because it might spoil the memory of a girl who's still very much alive.
Anna looks to her father for confirmation that they both miss her but his eyes are closed. She takes a cautious step across the minefield and says, "I want to hear him say it."
All eyes are on Anna now, but she's been used to that for a while. "I want to hear my father say he misses me," she repeats.
"Did you not hear your mother?" He asks instead, infuriating Anna even more.
Anna narrows her eyes, "Why is it so hard for you to say that you missed me too? Or are you calling my mother a liar?"
"Watch your mouth," he says with a scowl.
"I want to hear you say it," she says, clenching her fists inside her hoodie.
"Anna," Pastor Tom says neutrally while placing a hand on her shoulder, once again trying to defuse the situation. "I think that's enough."
She scoffs, "You're taking his side?!"
"No, I just don't want you to get too caught up on this one thing. There's more that needs to be said today." He looks to Anna's parents and nods as if to say that they know he's right. And begrudgingly, Anna knows he's right too.
Because they've yet to mention anything about her being gay.
Anna takes a deep breath, "Okay. So you miss me. Now what?"
Her mother's smile grows a little bit at hearing Anna agree with her, even if the jury's still out about her father. "Well, it's taken a couple of long, sleepless nights, lots of prayer, and the counseling from some god-gifted men and women from Hillside, but we've decided that...we want you back home, Anna. We want to be a family again. A whole family."
Hearing those words takes Anna back to the first couple of days of her exile, those nights were long and sleepless as well. She cried till her eyes were sore and dreamed of home every single time she fell asleep. She wondered what it would take to come back, what words she had to say. Would she have to say that she was sorry? That she didn't know what she was thinking? That she was...wrong?
Well, all those questions don't seem needed anymore, because now she has her ticket home. And all it took were two months of distance and a permanently damaged relationship with her sister.
Will that be okay?
"I don't know," she replies. Mainly to herself.
Her mother frowns, disappointed that Anna didn't immediately jump up and hug her, thanking her for being welcomed back. "Anna, you know you can't stay with Rapunzel's family forever."
"I know that, but…" She turns her head, catching herself before she can look at the stairs. If Elsa's anywhere in this house, she's probably in her room. "That's it? After two months, you just...decide you want me back home?"
"It's felt like an eternity, my sweet girl," her mother replies, now resorting to using the names she's been calling her since she was a toddler. "And we didn't make this decision lightly, we sought the word of God and acted on what he's told us to do. Faith comes from hearing, and we've had to really open our ears to hear God in this trying time."
Curious, Anna asks her, "What exactly did God tell you?"
Smiling as if Anna's finally asking the right questions, or just relieved to hear her say God's name again, her mother replies, "He told us not to condemn you for the trial he's laid upon you, and that your struggle through this will only strengthen your faith in him."
Anna's taken aback by her words, "Trial? What trial?"
"Anna," her mother coos while laying a hand on the table towards her. "God has put you on a righteous path since before your conception, and it's not your fault that this world is full of sin that will pull you one way or another. The choice to be a homosexual is...well, it's just that. It's a choice. But you are such a strong believer, and I know that one day you will rescind this choice and fall back into God's arms."
…
What?
For the moment, Anna can't bring herself to reply. Anger and confusion broiling too much inside the pit of her stomach make it hard to form a proper response. It's Pastor Tom, gratefully, who once again speaks and it sounds like it's on her behalf, "Wait hold on. Iduna, you never mentioned this part to me when we talked."
"Oh Thomas, you know that your congregation doesn't tell you everything, right?" her mother replies, almost chastises the pastor that's been a part of their life for decades. "There are secrets that remain, and have to be resolved, in the family."
Pastor Tom looks incredulous, like he's just found out his whole congregation believes the earth is flat. "This is not a 'secret', this is information that's relevant to this situation. Had I known that you felt this way, I never would have asked Anna to join us so soon."
"She's our daughter, Tom," her father says in his signature "Drop the subject" tone.
But he doesn't. "Well then why don't you treat her like she is? Being gay is not a choice, and to insinuate that means you haven't taken any steps to try and empathize with your daughter, to really understand what she's going through. You're hiding behind God and waving your stick, forcing her to comply or else...what? You're going to kick her out permanently?"
Her father stands up with a force that causes his chair to fall on the floor with a loud bang. Pastor Tom stands up too, a little more controlled. Both of them exhibit a level of anger on their faces that Anna's only ever seen in movies. Her father speaks, hisses, through gritted teeth, "You disrespect me in my household one more time-"
And Anna knows that she needs to speak. Truthfully, honestly, painfully, she needs to say everything she's held back for so long.
"Enough!" she demands with a volume she's only used once. Her mother, her father, and her pastor all turn to her. And there's silence, deafening torrential silence that Anna's pulled herself out of to ensure that her words no longer remain...unspoken.
After a deep breath, she speaks. "I would love to come home. I miss the neighborhood, I miss my bed, I miss...being in the place I've lived my entire life in. But I don't miss this, everything that's going on right now. And I'm afraid that if I come back, this is going to keep happening. And even if I desperately wanted to come back here, what you're asking of me to do, the price you want me to pay, I can't do that. Mother, father, I...I-I'm gay. And there's nothing that can change that."
Her mother gasps, "Anna! This isn't you!"
"Yes it is, mother! I'm gay, and I've accepted that truth about myself. I tried- God knows I've tried- to think differently. But to try and deny this part of me is...it'd be like asking me to give up an arm or a leg. I can't do that. And you know what? I don't want to! I've felt such a great burden on my back for so long, and now it's gone. F-for the first time in forever, mother, I...I like myself."
"You like being gay," her father says with great disdain. "I can't believe what I'm hearing."
"Anna, you know that these...feelings aren't what God wants for you, right? It's blasphemous to even entertain them." Her mother reaches her hand out a little more, even placing her palm up as a blatant sign that she wants Anna to hold her hand.
But Anna won't do it. "Show me specifically where Jesus condemns homosexuality," she bites back. "And I'll show you a thousand examples of Jesus loving us as we are. I can't believe you're so wrapped up in an archaic theology that you've stopped seeing me as your daughter and more like a...a project."
"That is not true." And now her mother, mild-mannered and happy as she always seems to be, is showing wounds of war with the frown on her face and the anger in her voice over Anna's defiance. "That is not true! You are still our daughter."
"No. No, I'm not," Anna replies with stunning clarity. "The girl two months ago...that's your daughter. That's the one you want, at least. This girl in front of you, the one who tried and failed to be your prized princess, the one who spent weeks muttering pathetically to herself about how much she missed her mother and father, the one who almost tried to kill herself rather than want to disappoint them even more….she's not your daughter. But you want her to be. All she has to do is sell her soul, right?"
The tears her mother is shedding right now, the same tears that maybe Anna should be shedding but won't, are different from the last time. There are no wails, no messes, they're controlled and subtle. Like she's willing herself to only let one or two tears fall down her cheeks. "Anna," she says softly.
Anna shakes her head, "I'm not doing that. You won't accept your daughter for who she is? Well then I'm not going to accept...whatever the hell my parents have become."
She stands up, and it feels as if she's been sitting down for years. Finally taking her hands out of her pockets, she wipes them against her jeans and looks at Pastor Tom. Not at her parents, not anymore. "I'm done here."
She turns and walks across her kitchen hallway for possibly the last time, the makings of a different conversation between three frantic adults brewing behind her. Nothing and no one stops her as she makes it to the front door, nothing except a voice.
"Anna."
It's different than the ones she heard all morning, yet far too familiar. As she looks to the top of the stairs, seeing Elsa in her grey shorts and blue sleep shirt, her heart tightens more than it ever has before. She can't find it in herself to talk to Elsa, not right now, even if the mere glimpse of her is almost enough to brighten this terrible day.
She turns the door handle and walks out, the cold air soothing the burning inside her heart and mind. And she walks. Away from the driveway, away from the house, away from it all.
Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ. (Romans 10:17)
Chapter 24
Notes:
A/N: Hi Remi, thanks for the shoutout. Everyone go read Joys of the Universe. And guilty devotion if you're old enough.
Anyway holy shit, y'all. I have been waiting to upload this chapter for weeks. I so hope it was worth the wait. Because if not, I'm deleting my AO3 account and going on a six-year hiatus only to pop up in a completely different fandom.
No I won't.
Chapter Text
Despite the familiar sights and sounds, Anna doesn't actually know how long she's been walking. It could have been five minutes, twenty minutes, or maybe even a couple of hours- she tends to be a slow walker anyway. She just doesn't know, neither does she really care. Time isn't exactly on her mind right now. However, as she pulls her hands out of her hoodie and places them on her cheeks, she realizes there is one thing she does know.
It's. Really. Freaking. Cold.
The winter chill gets to be a little harsh in mid-December, this time of year she rarely goes outside unless it's for a hot chocolate trip or to run and pull the trash cans out. The cold is sobering her up quickly, and with nothing else to think of she can only face her present problem.
She...did she just disown her parents? It definitely feels like it. She came right out and said she wouldn't accept them for who they are, throwing their feelings towards her right back at them. Can she even disown them? She's eighteen, but they're also grown adults so it wouldn't make sense. Does she think she could have worded her grievances better? Yes, she believes that her words weren't a hundred percent what she wanted to say. Does she regret saying them, though?
No.
The frigid cold doesn't affect her resolve, not with this at least, and while her words may have been a little dramatic due to the heat of the moment, she still insists she did the right thing. She's tired of trying to prove that she's someone completely different. She is who she is, and there are no amount of tears, talks, or road trips that can change that.
The one thing she does regret, however, is not calling for Rapunzel to pick her up. She could still do that, obviously, but not just yet. The walk is...it feels good. The cold stings and her breath comes in short, foggy intervals, but she likes having this time for herself. All the moments of solitude she had in Rapunzel's house were really moments of isolation. This is the first time she's actually felt free in her loneliness.
She passes by Mrs. Orenthal's house, her plastic candy canes on her driveway tipping left and right but never straight up. Off in the distance, she hears the Myron family's Yorkshire terrier yapping up a storm. And up ahead is the side street that would take her to the Farron residence, a house she and Elsa went to a lot to babysit the little girls living there. She wonders what Serah and Claire are up to now.
It's hard not to get wrapped up in the memories of her neighborhood. After all, for the past eighteen years, this is all she's known. This is the side of Copper Springs she knew best. Two months ago, it felt like these memories were taken from her and now she's willingly about to leave them in the past. Would she ever come back here? It doesn't seem like it. Even if her parents begged her to come back home she probably wouldn't, which means after she graduates she'll need to find a more permanent living situation.
But what about Elsa?
...what about Elsa?
The cold has also sobered up and rid her of any thoughts of abandoning her sister. There's no way she can spend the rest of her life avoiding the only person in her family she loves romantically, platonically, and unconditionally.
But it's still best that they don't see each other, though. Or at least that's what Anna tells herself.
How else could she explain how much it hurt to get a glimpse of Elsa earlier? This is what's best, she repeats to herself. This is what's best. This is the most logical course of action, the next right thing. Once enough time has passed, and she's dived headfirst into sorting out her post-high-school life, this whole stupid crush will be a thing of the past. She'll look back on this period and cringe mercilessly sure, but at least Elsa will be nothing more than her sister. Which is all she should be.
She just needs time. She needs a little bit more time to stop thinking of Elsa in that way. To stop thinking of how warm and safe she feels in Elsa's arms, how much it soothes her to hear Elsa's laugh, how happy she felt to feel the softness of Elsa's lips, how...seen she feels looking into Elsa's eyes.
A loud car horn interrupts her increasingly depraved thoughts. She thinks maybe she might have accidentally veered into the street, but when she still sees the sidewalk under her feet, she turns around to see what the driver behind her wants.
She's never seen Elsa give her the look she's giving her now through the windshield.
For a second, Anna entertains the thought of running away before realizing how pathetic that's going to make her. Elsa opens her door but keeps the engine running; it must be so warm inside the car. Anna knows that if she doesn't speak first, she won't be able to take charge of this conversation, but her brain is currently as frozen as her feet right now and no words escape her chapped lips.
But Elsa can speak. And in contrast to her passive, concerned text messages, her first words to Anna in almost two weeks are: "What the hell are you doing?"
Unable to fully comprehend that this is even happening, Anna goes with whatever her brain gives her, "Uh...walking?"
Elsa doesn't even hesitate to place her warm hands on her shivering sister's arms, "Anna, it's freezing out here! You're gonna get sick." The jacket her older sister is wearing keeps Anna from disputing the coldness, but nothing is detering her from her stubbornness.
"I'm fine, I can barely feel the cold," she says unconvincingly. "...you should just go back home, Elsa. I'll call Rapunzel to come pick me up."
"I'm not leaving you," she replies with shades of their dad's sternness. Is it...is it still their dad?
And why is Elsa making it so hard on herself to forget about her little sister? That's what's best for her, doesn't she see that? If she just...goes home, then Anna can keep walking. The snow will start falling again soon, and she can fade away under the cover of white. "I'm gonna...I'll walk to the gas station and call Rapunzel to pick me up from there."
"Or you can just get in my car and I'll drive you back to Rapunzel's place," Elsa says, which is obviously a much more reasonable idea.
But Anna won't budge. "I'm walking," she says, her confidence undercut by her shivering from an errant icy wind. With her eyes, she tries to communicate to her older sister that this is what's best for both of them. Or maybe just for one of them.
After a moment, Elsa lowers her hands, traveling down to Anna's wrists before letting go of her entirely with a sigh. "Fine," she says. When she walks back to her car, Anna thinks that's the end of it, and one look was all it took to finally put the last nail in the coffin of her and Elsa's relationship. But when Elsa gets in the driver's seat, all she does is take the key out of the ignition and grab a familiar quilt before stepping out of the car again. "Can't believe they just let you walk out of the house," she mutters under foggy breath.
"What are you doing?" Anna asks.
"I'm walking with you," Elsa says defiantly, draping the quilt over Anna's shoulders. It's the gift she got her from Ghana.
This is going so horribly out of plan, or at least it would be if Anna had a plausible plan in the first place. She sighs, resigning herself to speak the words she knows will let Elsa decide that she's better off without her. "Elsa-"
"Why are you avoiding me, Anna?" Her sister interrupts, still holding the corners of the quilt right above her chest.
"I'm not…" Anna's about to argue, but the unexpected glare from Elsa stops her from finishing her thought. She sighs and says softly, pathetically, "You know why."
Elsa sighs, "All this because we kissed?"
"We didn't kiss, Elsa. I kissed you. I did something I shouldn't have ever done in a million years, I gave into this...this awful, messed up urge, and I hurt you." As much as she's appreciating the warmth of this quilt, it's also keeping her from going anywhere. She's captive in the fabric held up by Elsa's hands, and she knows if she takes the corners out of her sister's hands she runs the risk of making contact with Elsa's fingers.
And the second she touches Elsa, she knows it's all over.
However, It doesn't seem like Elsa understands that and instead of pulling away, she stays where she is. And instead of agreeing with Anna, she asks, "How do you know you hurt me?"
Anna can feel the back of her neck heating up, and she doubts it's because of the quilt. She wants to keep all these thoughts inside her head, but she also knows that it's pointless to lie to Elsa when she gets like this. Elsa getting upset is as rare as hell freezing over, but it still happens and one look is all it takes to immobilize her hapless victim.
This is the first time that look's ever been directed at her.
"I've made you upset," Anna says redundantly.
"I'm not upset at you, I'm upset at how you're acting," Elsa corrects. "If you think you did something wrong, if you think you hurt me, then why are you trying to avoid me instead of making things right?"
"Avoiding you is how I'm making things right!"
"Don't you realize how ridiculous that sounds?!"
"Yes!"
"And what makes you think I'm upset in the first place?"
"Because, I...I- uh, what?"
Though her upper body is finally warming up, her mind freezes in the blink of an eye. And blinking is all Anna can physically do as she tries and fails to understand what her sister just asked her.
Elsa's upset glare softens into an annoyed pout. She lets go of the corners of the quilt, letting it fully rest on Anna's shoulders, and folds her arms across her chest. "What part of me sending you texts saying I still love you and standing outside with you in the freezing cold makes you think that I'm upset, Anna?"
Anna's brain starts to thaw and she realizes she can't handle looking into Elsa's eyes any longer, so she looks down at the vibrant patterns of the quilt instead. Pathetically, she mutters, "You're my sister...you had to say that."
"I didn't have to say anything," Elsa objects. "All these assumptions and you never thought to figure out that what I actually wanted was to talk to you again."
Completing the perfect picture of pity, a tear rolls down Anna's cool cheeks and she shivers even though she finally feels warm. "I keep messing up," she says harshly, "I'm so sorry, Elsa."
This isn't the first time that either of them have cried in front of each other. Every time it happens, the calmer sister lets the crying one rest in their lap. They allow them to cry for as long as they need to, and once the tears have subsided, they come in with kind, reassuring words. For so long, it's been Elsa comforting Anna; it hasn't been the other way around for a very long time. That, of course, makes Anna feel guiltier as the tears continue to fall.
Surprisingly, Elsa breaks from their usual routine and doesn't let Anna cry silently for too long. "Anna, look at me," she says with a voice that's somehow cold and warm at the same time. Like she's tired of the tears but doesn't want to invalidate Anna's emotions.
When Anna doesn't immediately look up, Elsa takes matters into her own hands. With a gasp, Anna feels cold hands run along the back of her neck and tilt her head so that she's face-to-face with Elsa once more.
And then Elsa smiles.
Elsa smiles and says, "I will never be upset at you kissing me."
Anna lets out an embarrassingly loud snort and sniffle combination. "Wh...guh. Wh-why not?"
"Be honest, and know that there's nothing you can say that will make me hate you or think any less of you." Elsa takes a breath and asks, "Why did you kiss me?"
Anna's first instinct is to lie, to say that it was a moment of weakness or that she was possessed by the devil. Maybe she can say something stupidly awful like she's actually in love with Rapunzel and in the light of the room, Elsa looked just like her. But this is her chance. Once more today, she gets the opportunity to freely speak her mind, but this time she's not afraid.
She's terrified.
"I don't think you want to know," Anna mumbles.
"I do, Anna," Elsa replies, running a thumb along her cheek. "Please...tell me."
Anna doesn't understand how, but she knows by looking into her sister's eyes that she'll accept nothing more than the whole, honest truth. The one that she's been running away from for so long. The one that threatened to crumble their entire relationship. And even with Elsa's assurance that she won't hate her for whatever she says, Anna is still left with a strong uncertainty over letting the truth all come out.
But maybe it was always going to end up like this. Maybe, in some twisted way, this was never a test from God but merely a path that he was silently guiding her through. Why he would possibly offer up incest as a prize at the end is completely out of Anna's comprehension, but right now she'll take any bit of optimism left to find.
One more breath and a bite of her lip, and Anna finally speaks the words that she's kept inside for so long.
"I kissed you because I love you, Elsa. Not just as- I mean more than as my sister, I...I mean I'm in love with you. And I've been in love with you for so long now and it scares me because I know I shouldn't, but it's like every time I try to fight these feelings something happens and it's like...I don't know it's like I can't stop falling in love with you. Over and over again, any time I think about love it's just you. It's always you. Your face, your smile, your everything, and I'm so sorry because these aren't things I should be thinking of about my own damn sister. But it's there, it's all I think about! You're all I think about, Elsa. And that's why...part of me always wants to run away. But a part of me has always wanted to kiss you like I did, and I don't know which side to listen to anymore. All I know is that I love you. And I'm sorry."
It feels like she's been talking for forever with how long it takes to finally make her point. And the subsequent silence afterward feels even longer. Elsa said she wouldn't hate her for her answer, but that didn't mean she'll accept it. And the creeping thought that she might let go of her, get back in her car, and drive off makes Anna even more terrified than before.
Before she can dwell on that thought for too long, she hears a noise from Elsa. A quick breath. A huff. A giggle. And that's when Anna notices that her eyes are closed and she's...still smiling?
"E-Elsa?"
Elsa opens her eyes. "Damn it," she says like she's lost a staring contest.
"What? Did I say something wrong?" Anna asks stupidly because she knows that everything she said was wrong.
Elsa shakes her head and follows with, "Do you remember that girl I told you about? The one that made me realize I was gay?"
Anna nods, only remembering her because of the needless pang of jealousy she felt over the mystery woman.
Elsa bites her lip, unable to meet Anna's eyes for more than half a second. "The truth is I, uh...I never actually got over her."
Jealousy hits Anna once more, and even though it feels like Elsa's ready to monologue herself, she can't help but interject, "Then why haven't you talked to her about your feelings? I'm sure she'd understand."
"I don't know if she would, I don't think she even understands her own feelings just yet. But I've wanted to tell her about my feelings for the longest time."
Anna looks down, deep sadness and regret threatening to sink in. "And I've made it really difficult for you to tell her, right?"
"No actually, you've made it a lot easier to tell her."
"Because I...inspired you?"
"No dummy, it's because that girl is you."
Anna's mind goes blank. And as it immediately begins to restart, Elsa takes control of the silence to finish her thought. "It's always been you."
There's no other monologue. No long confession. No twenty chapters detailing Elsa's perspective from these last few months. There's nothing after those four words except a sincere and earthshaking connection as Elsa finishes the kiss that Anna started a week ago. And when Anna's senses finally come back to her, and she's finally able to register what in the hell is happening, she kisses her sister back.
Her lips taste like peppermint.
Chapter 25
Notes:
A/N: Happy Pride Month to all my LGBTQ+ readers! Still not over y'all co-opting the entire color spectrum but whatever live your dreams.
Chapter Text
Anna loves roller coasters. She's been in love with them ever since she was a kid when her father snuck her onto one at a carnival while her mother wasn't looking. She loves the turns, the dips, the starts and stops, the steep inclines, and sharp drops. In fact, roller coasters are the only time when her fear of heights isn't a problem. Her favorite kinds are the coasters with the massive loops that hang you upside down for a moment before bringing you right-side-up again, and the ones that jerk you side to side and leave you with an aching neck for the rest of the day. She might like roller coasters almost as much as eating and sleeping.
Her love for roller coasters has never felt more appropriate than during this new season of her life. Because there's no other way to describe what these past few months have felt like. The fateful question at the diner was the sudden start, followed by a steep incline when Elsa came back. Her relationship with Hans was a tumultuous spiral down, being kicked out of her home was a series of loops that made her lose her sense of up and down, and the kiss...the kisses were the scariest drops of them all.
When this ride started, Anna wanted nothing more than to get off of it. Now she...well she still doesn't know how to feel about it. All she knows is that it's still not over.
She closed her eyes during the last drop, that kiss on the side of the road. And when she opens them again, she's in a familiar room lying on a familiar couch. Alone.
But she's not really here alone...right?
Anna grabs her phone from the metal coffee table and squints when the brightness assaults her vision, and the date assaults her sense of time.
December 13.
7:46 AM.
It's been two days since that awful talk with her parents, and since then her life's changed in more ways than one. Pastor Tom's left her two separate voicemails apologizing profusely for the way the talk went down, promising that there will be repercussions for her parents. She's not too concerned with what that means, though, wanting to put this all behind her rather than keep thinking about it.
Rapunzel and her family have extended their hospitality, allowing Anna to stay at their home even after graduation. It's great news considering her future plans after graduation are still up in the air. It's nice to know that she'll at least still have a roof over her head. St. Joseph's is off the table, but her grades are still stellar enough that she can easily get a scholarship for any in-state university. Maybe not a full-ride scholarship, and since she probably won't have her parents' financial backing…
It's not like she's desperate to go to St. Joseph's anyway, or any other religious institution. Not when she's been questioning her relationship as a whole with God. Maybe it's not that he's been silent to teach her a lesson, maybe he's been silent because he knows that the harsh path he put her on was a mistake, and he's too ashamed to admit it.
After all, God never apologizes. But then he doesn't make mistakes either, right?
It's maddening how much still doesn't make sense. Anna's left with more questions than answers, and she's losing hope in getting any substantial response since the one who needs to answer these questions is the one reason the questions even exist. Where is God right now, she wonders. Is he preparing some great divine intervention? Or has he moved on to a more capable believer? The more Anna thinks about this, the more she realizes...just how much she's losing the ability to care.
And then there's Elsa.
Her and Elsa.
Two days ago, they kissed and this time it wasn't an accident. This time, neither of them pulled away and ran off in a panic. And in her world where nothing makes sense, this is surprisingly the one thing that does. They haven't talked much about that day, preoccupied with surviving the tidal wave of change sweeping them up. But she knows for certain that she wants something with Elsa, as terrifying and crazy as that sounds. And it feels like maybe Elsa wants the same.
Anna sits up and runs her fingers through her hair, pulling the dozen or so loose strands away from her face. She winces as the pressure against her side is finally relieved. The harsh flatness of the couch is aggravating her more than she expected.
She knows Elsa has to be here because the last thing she remembers is falling asleep in her lap. She stands up and walks to Elsa's room, the most logical place she would be.
Change. It's not just Anna who's been affected by it.
Elsa came out to their parents the same day Anna walked out on them. Not waiting for their response, Elsa packed up as much as she could and decided to wait the rest of Christmas break out in her campus apartment. And Anna decided to come with her. RA's are a little more relaxed during the breaks and if they saw her, they'd probably think she was just visiting her sister. Or at least that's what Elsa keeps telling her to calm her nerves.
Although St. Joseph's is no longer a destination for her, she still finds comfort in the slight familiarity of it. The last time Anna was here was, well, the night she realized she was in love with Elsa. It's much less lively this time around, which is a given since ninety percent of the students are back at their homes.
Home...where is their home now?
Anna shakes that question away as she slowly opens Elsa's door. Only to find that it's just as quiet and empty as the rest of campus. A slight panic washes over her, but then the front door opens, and that panic doubles. Are they in trouble? Did an RA find out she was staying over? The dean? The police?
No, it's Elsa. And Anna can count on one hand the number of times she's been this relieved to see her sister.
Elsa sets down the plastic bag she's holding on the coffee table and smiles at her sister. If she's feeling tired at all, it's not showing. "You're up early," she says with a smile that's very welcome to see this morning.
Anna wipes her tired eyes with her palm, "My hip started hurting. And you weren't here…" Can she still be that vulnerable and honest with Elsa? It'd make sense if she still was, right? That shouldn't change.
Elsa frowns, "I keep telling you that you don't have to sleep on the couch."
"I know. But it's your bed, and you didn't expect me to tag along."
"Anna, you know we can…"
"Share the bed?"
There's a sudden silence, save for the loud roar of the heater kicking on. Anna plays the words back in her mind, the words that Elsa told her after their kiss: We'll figure this out. It's okay, we'll figure this out. After two days to themselves which proved to be both stressful and comforting, they've yet to discuss, well, them. It's clear that needs to change.
Elsa sighs, the same thoughts going through her own mind, "We should finally talk about this, huh?"
Anna nods, "We should."
Already, she can see Elsa form every word she wants to say through the look in her eyes. It's a conversation she's having with herself, and before it can conclude, she blinks, and the smile returns. "Okay. But first..." She peers inside the plastic bag and pulls out a small carton of eggs. "I'm going to make us some breakfast."
Little things. It's always the little things that remind Anna of how much her sister cares for her. From grabbing her a pillow and blanket when she wants to take a nap, to texting her gifs of otters when she's feeling down, to using her limited apartment supplies to make her a delicious breakfast of french toast and scrambled eggs.
And Anna...gosh, she wants those little things to mean more. So much more. But doubt still has a hold in her head and heart, telling her that this doesn't mean anything more, that Elsa still sees her as her sister and nothing else.
She's been thinking about it ever since they kissed, thinking and deciding on what she really wants. It felt so much different from their first kiss, which was self-indulging, risky, and awkward. Elsa knows how to kiss. And because of that, the second one felt...better. Just better. It's hard to describe, and still hard to understand. What Anna does understand, though, is that one kiss isn't what she's looking for.
When they parted, she didn't feel panicked or disgusted, she felt relieved. And a renewed sense of longing. She didn't just want Elsa's affection or her lips, she wants all of her. She wants to be with Elsa.
That should terrify her, and it does, but it also gives her a sense of vindication. It vindicates her to know that the awful thought of this being some sick, twisted perversion isn't true. She is genuinely, hopelessly, irreversibly in love with Elsa. And it doesn't make sense, and it still terrifies her, but at least she knows that her feelings are true.
Elsa though...what does she want? And has she always eaten this slowly?
Anna picks at her relatively empty plate and lets out a quiet breath, "So-"
"Mm-mmm," Elsa mumbles while holding up a finger, mouth still full of breakfast food. Her plate's a little more than half-empty, but not close enough to empty in Anna's eyes.
"Seriously? It's not even Sunday!" Anna protests. "And we're not even at the diner."
Elsa swallows her food and smirks, "I'm kidding. Kinda. You know I can't talk and eat at the same time."
"Yeah I know." It's hard not to feel a little disappointed, even though Anna knows she shouldn't. It's not like Elsa said they aren't going to talk about this. But it's like Christmas, which the winter chill right outside the large living room window reminds her of. When you know that you get to open your presents right after breakfast, you want time to go as fast as possible.
Of course, there's always the chance that those presents end up being nothing but big bags of coal and shame. Thoughts of every way this pending conversation can go wrong spiral around in her mind, threatening to overtake her once more.
But then she feels Elsa's fingers gently curling against her own, thumb softly caressing the back of her hand. Anna looks up, feels this tender spark between them like a lighter's flickering flame, and sees Elsa's soft smile focused on nothing else but her. And that's all it takes to keep her patiently waiting until her sister's done eating.
Which is a lot less time than she's expecting, although it helps that Elsa hums Christmas songs while she's eating as if this is just a regular day in December for them. It also helps that Elsa never lets go of her hand, showing off her impressive skill of eating with just one of them.
In no time at all, Elsa's finished and she takes her and Anna's plate to the sink to rinse them off. Anna brings her hands back together close to the edge of the table, already missing her sister's touch.
When Elsa comes back to the table, she does something unexpected and slides her chair over next to Anna. Surprised and confused, Anna scooches over to give her sister some more room at this small table. Elsa takes her seat gladly, and then rests her head on her younger sister's shoulder, letting out a content sigh.
"Hi," she says softly.
"Hi," Anna says back. She feels fingers once again grasping at her hand, and without hesitation, she takes Elsa's hand in hers. A silence falls that's both comfortable and tense, foreboding yet content. And though she truly enjoys being in this moment with Elsa, Anna's also impatient- anxious, but impatient. "You kissed me," she adds, more as a statement than an accusation.
Elsa giggles, "And you kissed me."
Anna peels off another band-aid, revealing ten more that still need to be uncovered. "Did you...I mean what did you mean by that?"
This isn't a question you're supposed to be asking your sister, but then she's never asked anything like this with anyone. Elsa squeezes her hand, and without any hesitation she replies, "I meant exactly what I said. I fell for you."
Anna's not sure how she's supposed to feel after that, but what she does feel is a dangerous mix of excitement and concern. It causes her to squeeze Elsa's hand in return. "Fell for me?" she asks innocently, wanting to be completely certain that this is real.
"I fell in love with you," Elsa replies, once again without hesitation. "As more than just my sister."
And there it is.
Anna lets out a breathy, nervous laugh, her spine tingling from this foreign sensation. "How can you say that so easily?"
Even Elsa's laugh is instantaneous and much more confident, "I've had three years to learn how to accept my feelings, Anna. When I said I knew what you were going through...well, actually I didn't realize how true that statement would turn out to be."
"And now that you know?"
"Now that I know what?"
She opens her mouth, and it feels like the words are stuck in her throat. The kind of stuck that only a cough could dislodge. Politely, Anna raises her arm to cover her mouth.
And she burps.
Elsa starts shaking from the force of her barely contained giggles, while Anna's cheeks redden from making light of such a serious moment. "That wasn't supposed to happen," she says.
The giggles turn into silent heaves as Elsa doubles over and smacks her sister's knee. For a second, Anna's afraid she's going to faint. But finally Elsa sits back up, takes a breath, and begins to audibly laugh like she just watched a penguin slip on ice. "You burped!" she exclaims while leaning against her still mortified little sister.
"I burp all the time," Anna says, frowning.
"I know! But-" Elsa can't complete her thought, succumbing to more laughter. And though she can't fathom it at first, Anna suddenly realizes the absurdity of this situation they're faced with. And she begins laughing too.
It takes them a couple more minutes and a massive aftershock of giggles till they finally calm down enough to speak.
Between giggling fits, they moved to Elsa's couch/Anna's bed. Anna keeps her feet off the floor and her blanket wrapped loosely around her shoulders. Her back is against the stiff armrest, and she's looking at Elsa who has her legs loosely crossed and is sitting just a couple of inches away from her.
"So…" Anna says, needing no reminder that she still needs to answer the earlier question.
"So…" Elsa repeats with a content smile.
"I…have those same feelings for you too." It feels like a massive weight has suddenly disappeared from Anna's shoulders, and she sits up a little straighter than before. "I like you more than a little sister should."
She swears that Elsa's eyes widen just the slightest bit and she exhales for a little longer than a standard breath. Almost as if she was worried that Anna didn't actually feel anything for her. With this solid confession, there are no more secrets, no hiding how they feel about each other, no running away even though that's not something Anna wants to do. And she thinks, hopes, that's something Elsa doesn't want to do either. So…
"Now what?" Anna asks.
Elsa bites her lip and tucks her hair behind her ear, mimicking a move that Anna usually does. It's cuter when she does it, but then Anna's also majorly biased.
Setting the tone for their relationship from here on out, Elsa responds, "I'm not going to assume what you want, Anna, but at least for me...I want something here. With us. I know it's crazy, but I've been going over it for years now and what I know for sure is that you make me happy, and my life is better when I'm around you. That's one of the big reasons I fell in love with you."
The more her sister speaks, the more Anna loses her mind. Because she loves knowing someone's in love with her and that she loves them back, but it's her sister. The words make sense, but in a way that they shouldn't and it makes for an experience that's...good? But also difficult to understand. Like she's just created a new flavor of candy.
"You want to be with me?" Anna asks, and pitifully adds, "Like romantically?"
Elsa nods, "I think I might want that more than anything."
And finally, the doubt she hoped would have disappeared starts creeping in again. The doubt that comes from the reality of their situation. "But…" Anna stops herself from finishing that sentence, stops from reminding Elsa that they're sisters. That didn't matter when they kissed, and it didn't matter when they confessed their feelings. "...you really want to do this? You want to be together?"
"Only if you want to. I don't want to do anything you don't want to do." Elsa shifts her posture so that her back is resting against the cushions and her legs are fully crossed. "What...I mean what do you want, Anna?"
Thoughts circle around her head-
"I want the same thing."
-and she fights through all of them.
Elsa's smile grows, "Really? You mean that?"
Anna nods, even though a dangling thread of doubt remains. "Elsa, I seriously can't think of anyone that means more to me than you. I meant it when I said that you're the best big sister anyone could ever ask for, and I also meant it when I said that I have feelings for you. It's confusing, I'm still trying to piece things together, and I'm so jealous that you had three years to figure this out…"
Elsa lets out a laugh, and she leans over to rest her head against Anna's knee.
"But what I do know is that I'm seriously, stupidly, really in love with you. And you and I together is something I don't want to stop thinking about. It isn't something I want to throw away."
Elsa lets out a content sigh that tickles the hairs on Anna's legs. "I really love you. So much."
"I love you too," Anna replies, in every sense of the phrase. After a beat of silence, she decides to rip off one more band-aid. "But...you know this won't be easy."
"I know," Elsa says, not trying to mask the newly added seriousness of her tone.
"Our parents will never take us back if they ever find out."
"They never need to, and besides it's not like we care what they think anymore."
Anna winces at the brutal honesty, though she's also glad to hear it. "And the church...any church, I guess. They won't accept this either."
"They don't need to know either."
"And our friends?"
"If you have someone you can deeply trust with this, then you're free to tell them. And I'll do the same. But if you want this to be something only you and I know about, I'm perfectly fine with that too."
"What about God?"
That, finally, doesn't elicit an immediate response from Elsa. For many good reasons, this can't be an answer she can take lightly. Anna, though, already knows her answer to this: God wasn't there to help her through her feelings, so he doesn't get a say in her pursuit of Elsa. Where they go from here is up to them alone. At least, that's how Anna wants it to be.
A few seconds later, after a sharp intake of breath, Elsa answers. "If I'm being honest? I've stopped asking him for answers when it comes to us. And I take the fact that nothing has torn us apart as an answer. Do you remember what Mark 10:9 says?"
It's been a while since anyone's talked to her about the Bible without it feeling like a punch to the gut. Once again, Elsa proves to be an exemption. "Something like...what God brought together, let nothing tear apart?"
"Mmhmm," Elsa remarks proudly.
"Do you really think God brought us together? You know, like this?"
"Maybe. Maybe not, but we're together regardless. And right now, don't you think that's enough?"
Anna looks back once again on the rollercoaster of a life they've both lived these past few months, and something inside her feels as if the ride is coming to an end soon. And that they're about to get on another one. Which should terrify her, or at least make her worried over what comes next. But it doesn't. Instead, all she feels is a gentle silence, a breath of fresh air, a strong, foreign feeling of content.
Here, in the confines of a tiny, gray apartment with a loud heater, sitting on a lumpy couch with her sister and the woman she loves, Anna finally allows herself to feel content.
She scooches over to Elsa and leans on her shoulder this time. "Yeah. That's enough."
Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. (Mark 10:9)
Chapter 26
Notes:
I just realized I don't have to write "A/N" if I'm leaving a note on AO3 lol whoops.
This chapter is very heavy on Spanish culture references and language usage. For any of my Spanish/Spanish-speaking readers, I did my research but if there are some inconsistencies in some details and words, please go easy on me and also let me know so I can make corrections. I'm not trying to make any intentional commentary on Spanish culture, I just wanted a cute, different setting for Elsa and Anna to find some peace in.
Chapter Text
"We can take it slow."
Later in the day that they revealed their feelings for each other, Anna finally accepted the invitation to sleep on the bed instead of the couch. Elsa held Anna in her arms, kissed the top of her head, and whispered those five words. And they both fell asleep with those words lingering like stars along the ceiling.
For the next week, they kept to those words effortlessly since they already knew how to enjoy each other's company without any romantic implication. They binged through three shows, went on grocery runs, and even took the time to drive back down to Copper Springs for a day for Elsa's early birthday celebration with Rapunzel and Eugene. If it weren't for the occasional long glances, hand squeezes under the table, and private kisses, you'd never expect they were even together.
Which is the point.
It's not until they return from Copper Springs, and Anna asks Elsa what she wants to do on her actual birthday, that things feel real again. Their relationship, their love, their affection for each other. Elsa asks Anna to let her actual birthday pass like any regular day because she wanted to go on a date a few days later.
On Christmas.
"Don't worry about planning anything, I'll figure out the details," Elsa tells her. "I just need you to say yes."
"It's Christmas, Elsa. Nothing's going to be open," Anna reasons.
"I don't want to go shopping anyway. I just want to spend time with you away from all the people, doubts, or- or hesitations. I just want to take my love out on a date."
My love. The sweetness in those two words nearly takes her breath away, as cheesy as that might sound. Anna wants to say yes, but she needs to be sure of one last thing first. "And you're fine with missing Christmas Day service?"
"And Christmas Eve, yes," Elsa replies without any sense of guilt in her answer. "Jesus has enough visitors on his birthday, I'm sure he won't mind if we're not there this year."
Anna gasps and says with mock offense, "Blasphemy!"
Elsa rolls her eyes and slides her arms around Anna's shoulders, resting them against the breathless girl. As she steps a little closer, she asks one more time, "So...will you go out with me?"
And with the way Elsa looks at her, the way she leaves her arms against her like they're dancing at prom, the way she speaks like it's the most important question she's ever asked...Anna would be a fool to say no.
On the quietest Christmas they've ever had, there's a knock on the apartment door. It doesn't surprise Anna, however, because she knows exactly who's waiting behind it. Being extra careful to not tip over their tiny Christmas tree, she walks over and opens the door, greeting the familiar face with a smile.
"Hi," Elsa says as if she hadn't just shouted at her a few seconds ago to close her eyes so she could rush out the front door without being seen.
Anna shakes her head, "You're ridiculous."
Elsa leans forward and kisses her on the cheek, knowing that there aren't enough people on this floor right now to see. Her boldness continues when she whispers in her ear, "Ridiculously in love."
Thank God that Anna's still inside, because if anyone was around, they'd see the redness on her cheeks from all the way down the hall. Her mind jumbles all of her responses, and what ends up coming out of her mouth is a squeaked out, "Bold you."
It's that line that tells Anna her sister's taking this date seriously, along with the fact that she's decked out in a new pair of black, skin-hugging leggings, a cute white undershirt, and a baggy denim jacket. Elsa has the audacity to giggle when she steps back, and she says, "Too much?"
Anna pushes the hood of her fluffy, navy-blue hoodie against her flushed face and mumbles out a "Hush."
Mercifully, Elsa doesn't say anything flirty or even reach for her hand as they walk out the apartment complex and to her car, but when she starts the car and the heater, her hand immediately finds its way on top of Anna's. The shift in mood is unexpected for Anna, not because she doubts Elsa's love for her (though it's still crazy to think about), but because Elsa's so cavalier with her displays of affection when no one's around.
"You're really enjoying this, aren't you?" Anna asks.
"Enjoying what? Holding your hand?" Elsa says innocently.
"Well, that and…" Anna flaps her free hand back and forth, gesturing to the two of them. What she can't put into words, she hopes still makes sense with weird hand motions.
Elsa raises an eyebrow, watching Anna's hand before realizing what in the world she's trying to say. She catches her sister's hand by the fingers, and then gently plants a kiss on her knuckles. The look she gives, the way her blue eyes light up, is intense and unfamiliar. Like she's just uncovered a rare jewel. "Anna…" she says softly. "I've waited three years to be able to do this with you. I want to show you my love every chance that I get."
Someday, Anna will be able to breathe normally again.
Without another word, Elsa pulled out of the snow-covered parking lot, careful not to drive over any icy patches. Anna's only knowledge of this date is their destination: Potosi, a small, Spanish town nearly two hours south of Copper Springs. They've only been there once as children, their parents complained the whole time about how it was too hot (their fault for bringing them in July) and never took them back. Elsa and Anna don't remember the heat, though, they remembered looking in awe at the vast amount of art and culture in such a small place.
Town is a generous way to describe Potosi. You can walk from its entrance to the winding back-end streets in twenty minutes. But only taking twenty minutes to walk through would be an insult, not in such a place where there's a different sight and sound in every direction.
The winter season, according to Elsa's research, is one of their busiest because it's not as cold as it is everywhere else, and they completely transform the town in the spirit of the holidays.
Lovely patterns of purple, gold, and white adorn the walls, gorgeous lights are strung up along rooftops and wrapped around trees, and they even offer horse-drawn carriage rides around the perimeter. It's supposed to be gorgeous, and a welcome slice of solitude in their oft-confusing lives.
A two-hour drive doesn't feel like two hours when Anna's with her sister. Countless road trips have prepared them to make use of their time together. But this time feels different, on all those road trips they were merely sisters. Now they're...together. And the more that Anna tries to tell herself that, the less real it feels. When she looks to the left, it's not just her sister that's humming along to Mariah Carey, it's also the woman she loves. The woman who loves her back. The woman that she gets to be with.
It doesn't make sense, and it pains her with guilt that it doesn't make sense.
Aside from their first one, Elsa has always initiated every kiss. Anna reciprocates, and she knows she always wants to kiss Elsa, but there's something holding her back from initiating it once again.
There's always one problem after another, it seems. She can't be content for more than five seconds; it's like there's a bug crawling inside her skin.
And she knows that Elsa can see it, or at least sense it. It's harder than before for Anna to hide when something's wrong. Maybe that's why Elsa wanted to go on this date, to show that there was nothing wrong with their love, that they could make this work. Or maybe Elsa just really wanted to go on a date with her.
With her. With Anna. With her sister.
Anna feels a finger press against her cheek, and she jumps a little bit. Elsa, the culprit, sticks her tongue out at her before focusing her eyes back on the road. "No sad faces on Christmas, queen's orders."
Anna blinks, "Queen's orders? When did you become queen?"
"Right now. I just decided."
"Well, every queen needs a crown and I don't see one on you." Anna slightly lifts up from her chair for exaggerated effect.
"Then I guess I'm going to have to get one." Elsa grins, and it's a stark reminder of why Anna fell for her in the first place. Moments like this, the warm, bright spots that cut through her mind's fog, are few and fleeting. But when they happen, they provide fresh air. And it feels good to be able to breathe. "Thinking about us again?"
It takes a second for Anna to snap out of her dopey gaze. Usually, Elsa lets her process her confusion on her own, but this time she addresses it directly. "Yeah," she says guiltily.
There's a pause for a sigh, or at least where a sigh should be. But all that fills that space is the song fading out, as if to segue them into the next part of this conversation. If Elsa's disappointed, she hides it well. "That's okay," she says. "I knew that it would take some time for you to get used to this. That's why I said we could take it slow."
Anna nods shamefully, unsure of how to respond.
"Do you want me to cut back on the PDA?"
It would help ease her anxiety of getting caught, but selfishly Anna says, "No." Her reddening cheeks and pursed lips keep her from explaining why.
Elsa grins at the sight of her embarrassed younger sister. "Then I won't," she says, unable to hide her own happiness.
"You're so cool about all of this. And it's great, I just...I wish I could do the same."
Long, intertwining highway roads turn into a straight path down as far as the eye can see, and Elsa replies with her trademark comfort. "Anna, I've had three yearsto process these feelings and go through all the stages like anger and depression and stuff. I've had three years to contemplate this, to ask myself the really hard questions like if I really loved you and how that affected my faith. I've had three years to realize that my love for you wasn't going to go away. You've only had a few months."
Anna ponders those words even if she already knows that her sister's right. Who knew that coming to terms with her attraction would actually be one of the easier steps in this twisted journey? She turns to Elsa and asks, "You'll...help me, right?"
"Now and forever, my love."
She rides the high that answer gives her until they arrive at Potosi.
Although it is, in some parts, a real town with actual inhabitants, Potosi does have its share of shops and tourist destinations. That's why even if most of the shops are closed today, there's still enough to see and do for the sisters to make a day of it. And given that barely anyone in Copper Springs travels this far south unless they're doing some sort of mission trip or retreat, the chances of anyone recognizing them are very slim.
Anna feels a little more confident taking Elsa's hand as they walk through the bronze arches of Potosi's main entrance. There's a distinct lack of snow around the town, but the cool December weather still makes itself known through sporadic bursts of wind.
The first stop is the town square which, if memory serves correctly, has a large, juniper tree growing in the center. They pass locals and the occasional tourists such as themselves on the short walk from the entrance, all of them wearing genuine smiles on their faces. Spanish music through the speakers paired with the faint jingling of bells somewhere in the distance gives Anna a different kind of Christmas joy. With a much different spirit than at Copper Springs and Hillside.
The juniper tree is much bigger than either of them remember and it's also decorated in silver tinsel and bright golden lights. The evergreen leaves provide a welcome yet foreign color to this time of year, and around the trunk are clay benches meant for lounging in the tree's shade.
Anna steps inside the cover of the juniper tree, staring in awe at its winding branches and scattered leaves, giggling as the wind picks up again and sends a bit of tinsel fluttering down to her. She catches it and places it right on top of Elsa's head when she comes over to her side.
"What's this?" Elsa asks.
"It's your crown, obviously."
Elsa pokes the thin piece of paper on her head, "Feels a little too flimsy to be a crown."
Anna frowns, "Fine then." She takes the tinsel off her sister's head and presses it against her upper lip. "Now it's a mustache."
Her sister sputters and bats the tinsel off her face, "Blegh! Anna, that was in a tree!"
"And then it was on your lips," Anna jokes, holding back most of her giggles. "See what I did there?"
Elsa wipes any possible tree residue off her lips with the sleeve of her denim jacket. "You know what else is on my lips?"
"What?"
Without hesitation, Elsa steps forward and catches Anna by surprise with a kiss. It's short enough to show they can control themselves in public but long enough that Anna feels the shivers reach down to her toes.
When Elsa pulls away, she takes her sister's hand in her own and leads her through the next stops on her mental itinerary.
They visit sculptures and statues, paintings and murals, a cold, water fountain with a turquoise tile pattern and a large, carved fish in the middle spurting water into the air. Every area felt more unique than the next, and Elsa took pictures during each stop. Some were selfies of her with her arm around Anna, some were candid shots of just Anna, and a couple of them were pictures of Elsa trying to get her phone back from Anna.
Some were blurry, some were oddly framed, some were social media perfect, but regardless Anna knew her sister was going to keep all the pictures. And she would ask Elsa to send her the ones she liked the most.
One of the very few places still open was a tiny bakery tucked away down a dirt path. They would have mistaken it for a small home if it weren't for a wooden sign on top of the front door and the owner beckoning them to come in.
They stepped across the lawn using a stone pathway and almost had to duck their heads to come inside. The adobe brick foundation, decorations based on desert-animal motifs, and quality-grade furniture and appliances made for a comfortable melding of traditional and modern styles. And there was a wonderful, lingering scent of warm bread and cinnamon.
The owner, an old Spanish lady in a colorful, hand-knitted coat that reached down to her knees, ushered them to a wooden table. The language barrier was immediately an issue. The lady didn't know English, and Anna was the only one that vaguely knew Spanish due to her taking Spanish class during freshman year. Which she almost failed.
After three failed attempts to communicate, the lady brought her son, the baker, over to translate for her. And with that awkwardness out of the way, Elsa and Anna finally ordered three different desserts that sounded the best.
Anna swiped Elsa's phone to sneak a picture of her smiling at a large stained-glass silhouette of a salamander, although this time it looked as if her sister hadn't noticed. Of course, even in a quick candid shot, Elsa's beauty is picture perfect.
She sent herself the photo and placed the phone back on the table just as Elsa asked her a question, "You're enjoying yourself, right?"
Anna raised an eyebrow, "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"
Elsa shrugs, "Ah just nervous, that's all."
"What? But I thought you-"
"No, not about us," Elsa corrected. "Just...dates. In general. I haven't been on a date in a while, let alone planned one, and I want to make sure that you're having fun."
Anna's thankful that she can answer this question without feeling that uncertainty in her gut. "I was having fun with you before we started dating," she reasons.
"True," Elsa says with a smile that shows a significant burden has been lifted off her shoulders. "You're right, I need to relax and focus on the positives. I'm here, with you, and there's no chance that anyone here could recognize us. And you look really cute in that jacket I lent you."
And once again, that feeling of unease mixed with love stirs inside of her like a stale cookie. Not unlike the plate of cookies that have arrived at their table. They're puffy and topped with crushed walnuts or almonds. When the old lady sets them down, Anna figures out what desserts may have attributed to that lingering cinnamon smell. They're apparently called mantecados, and Anna instinctively goes to reach for one before she sees her sister with her head ducked down and reciting a silent prayer. She's hesitant to join in, instead she waits patiently with her hands folded in her lap.
About half a minute later, Elsa lifts her head up and with a delighted hum, she says, "Alright, let's dig in." She doesn't ask whether or not Anna prayed; it's odd, but not as odd as Anna not feeling any guilt over forgetting to pray. If she actually forgot.
When Anna takes a bite out of a mantecado, she knows that it's all over. The soft, crumbly texture and the cinnamon sweet flavor make her mind wonder why she's never had anything like this before. And one look at Elsa's face tells her that she loves it just as much. Soon, they've devoured the whole plate save for one cookie, which Elsa triumphantly snatches.
Of course, being the caring older sister that she is, she grins proudly before splitting the cookie in half and giving Anna the bigger piece.
Next, they have something called hojaldrinas, which is once again brought on a plate for them to share. They're puff pastries with powdered sugar sifted on top, and while they might look simple to make, Anna knows she wouldn't be able to make them in a million years. They have a flaky, buttery texture to them, and when she tastes one there's a hint of orange flavor that surprises her. And something else too, something familiar but she can't recall. She's careful not to get any powdered sugar on Elsa's hoodie, even if she makes no plans to give it back any time soon.
There's not much time for conversation in between these desserts other than to compliment how delicious they are, and how much they want to buy up everything in the bakery. The old lady periodically, when not attending to the sparse amount of other customers, will ask if they're okay. Anna, thankfully knowing what that means, will say "Sí" and "Gracias" in return.
The main course is, surprise, served on another plate and is something called alfajores. They're cookies pressed together like a sandwich with a caramel spread in the middle and coconut flakes sprinkled along the rim. Anna tries one and immediately wishes she could have them for every meal. Even Elsa, who isn't the biggest fan of coconut, enjoys them without having to pick away the flakes. Partly because she's too polite to do so.
When it comes time to pay, the language barrier is amusingly easier to get through. The old lady gives them a number, and Anna found out how to say "Keep the change" thanks to Google Translate. Before they leave, the lady gives them a bag of mantecados free of charge even though they insist on paying. Her only response is to shake her head and to say "Hacen una linda pareja".
Anna makes a note to figure out what that means later.
An hour later, they're off their feet and nestled in the back of an aforementioned horse-drawn carriage. Thankfully, the driver knows English and there's no need for translation. In fact, he even gives them a discount because it's Christmas.
Elsa rests her head against Anna's shoulder and lets out a content sigh. Earlier in the day they traded jackets when Anna realized she could brave the cold here without needing such a thick hoodie. That, and Elsa requested to wear her puffy jacket and she wasn't about to disappoint the birthday girl.
Anna was surprised to see her sister bundle herself up in the hoodie, remarking that she usually likes the cold. Elsa's response was "Oh I do, but this jacket smells like you and I love it."
It's a valid point, the denim doesn't capture a lot of Elsa's scent but Anna won't complain about getting to wear two of her sister's jackets in one day.
Anna's too caught up with thinking about something else unhelpful that she doesn't catch what Elsa says. "What's that?" she asks.
Elsa wraps her fingers around the back of Anna's hand. "I said I wish it could be like this all the time."
"You'd need a lot of gas money," Anna jokes.
"Oh you know what I mean, dummy." After a second of silence, she adds, "It just feels nice to finally have some time where...we don't have to hide, you know?"
"I know. I wish it could always feel this easy," Anna laments, but for her own reasons. The afternoon sun barely passes the top of the carriage, and for a moment all they can hear is the melodic trot of the horses and the rustling of leaves along the dirt road.
Elsa lets out a long sigh, "But no...I've gotta go back to school soon. A-and I'll have to leave you so soon after getting to be with you. It sucks. It-it really sucks."
Anna pokes her sister's cheek through the puffy hood, "Hey, what did you say about sad faces on Christmas?"
"That...they're okay if it's the birthday girl making them?"
"I mean if that's what you want."
Elsa sits up and takes off her hood, her eyes are alight with something that Anna's finally learning to realize is love. Pure, unashamed love. It's a look she hopes to show her sister even more of one day. "What I want is you," Elsa declares. "Always."
The carriage turns a corner and starts down a short end of the trail where the town and parking lot are mostly covered by clay walls. And perhaps it's this that finally causes Anna to build up enough courage to do what she hadn't done in a while. Unfortunately, Elsa beats her to it and captures her lips once more.
Elsa doesn't try to hide her joyful hum or the fingers she places delicately along Anna's cheek, and for Anna, well, she allows this new feeling to stir in her. This feeling which comes from the knowledge that, even for a brief second, she felt brave enough to kiss her sister again. This impulse may not come again anytime soon, but what matters is she felt it at this moment. Which means it can happen again. And isn't it just like the spirit of this season that hope is found when she's needing it the most.
It's Christmas, and she's on a date with the woman she loves in a place that only they know. And in a year that's threatened to take everything from her, Anna's glad that one gift still remains. A gift that wants to stay just as much as she never wants her to leave.
Anna didn't start the kiss, but with a hand reaching over to press against Elsa's back she'll make damn sure that she's the one that ends it.
Chapter 27
Notes:
Jesus, I can't believe there's one chapter left. Special shoutout to, uh...Reader #622. You my boy, Reader #622.
Chapter Text
"It's not too late to turn back. You sure you want to do this?" Elsa asks.
Anna nods, despite the whirlwind of anxious thoughts swirling through her mind. "Your semester starts tomorrow, and I know I won't be able to do this without you."
Elsa reaches for her hand, and Anna holds it tight without hesitation. "I won't leave your side," she assures.
"What about you? Are you sure you want to do this?"
Elsa lets out a nervous laugh, "No. That's why I'm not leaving your side."
Unable to help herself, Anna laughs too. She leans back in her seat with her hand still clutching Elsa's. "We're hopeless," she says.
Elsa leans back in her driver seat too, and she turns to smile at her sister. "Maybe. But together, I'm sure we can scrape together a little bit of hope, right?"
Anna returns the smile, holding up their intertwined hands. "Just a little bit."
"Just a little bit," Elsa repeats.
With their time together getting shorter by the minute, all their hesitations have to be put on hold. They unbuckle their seatbelts and open their doors to a sunny, winter day in Copper Springs. It's a common kind of weather in January, but still a refreshing feeling. They walk side by side with the sun beaming down on them and a slight wind pushing them closer to their destination. Their much-anticipated return to Hillside Church.
It's not Sunday, which is a shameful blessing in disguise. The tension would feel much worse had they returned on a Sunday. To their relief, Pastor Tom is gracious enough to agree to meet them outside of service hours.
They both know they can't let that abysmal talk at their house be the last moment they have with the man who's been nothing but supportive of them for years. After a quick email exchange, they set up a meeting at his office where they can talk both privately and candidly. There's far too much that can't be left unsaid, too much that both parties deserve to hear.
Anna and Elsa had a long talk beforehand to prepare each other for their return and what they want to say to Pastor Tom. Anna made doubly sure to prepare herself for what she needed to say.
It's far too quiet while they're walking. The only time Anna's used to Hillside ever being this quiet is on...Wednesday nights. She wants to hold Elsa's hand out of habit, but she doesn't know how to keep that from being anything more than a sisterly action. So she shoves her hands in her jean pockets instead. They make their way inside the part of the campus that used to house faculty offices. They still have offices in this building, but they're for church staff instead. They didn't have to do many renovations or touch-ups aside from fixing the air conditioning and putting up a new bulletin board.
The receptionist is named Sally, a total Disney fanatic if her desk full of figurines and stickers is any indication. She's a new face for Elsa and Anna, which might be a good thing since they're really not up to seeing any familiar faces save for the one they've made an appointment with.
Elsa explains that they're here to see Pastor Tom and after a quick tap on her computer, Sally tells them to wait a minute for him to get them. Anna looks at the bulletin board to pass the time, seeing reminders about the New Year Barbecue this Sunday, a movie night for the kids on Wednesday, and a job listing for a new Youth Pastor. She wonders for a moment how long that position's been vacant, and if it has anything to do with Hans.
And of course, as soon as she thinks of Hans, she can't help but think of her parents and that awful moment in their backyard.
Was this a mistake? Maybe she and Elsa shouldn't have asked for this meeting. Maybe she should be okay with not having closure. How much has she inflated her self-worth to think that one decision is worth taking up a pastor's precious time for?
She feels Elsa's hand gently scratching her upper back, and it breaks her free from her thoughts. Elsa looks at her with a small smile and whispers, "Slipping?"
"Little bit," Anna whispers back.
"Take a breath," her sister replies with more soothing back scratches. "We're doing the right thing, don't forget that."
She's right. And by proxy, that means Anna's right, which is an odd feeling for her. They've talked about this for hours, and to head into this next season of life without tying some loose ends wouldn't feel right. Besides, fear can be conquered. Fear...can be conquered.
"Well I can't begin to tell how glad I am to see you two again."
The sisters turn around and see Pastor Tom with his arms crossed and a non-Sunday smile on his face. He didn't seem disappointed in his email about their sudden disappearance, and that doesn't change now that they're face-to-face. Anna feels guilty for ever thinking he might be disappointed; it looks like when he said they'd always have an ally with him, he meant it.
"Come on," he says while waving the two over. "We'll catch up in my office."
The step they take into the hallway is the furthest Anna's ever been in the offices. She's never had much of a reason to be here aside from turning in a random form or two for the children's ministry. And now, the one and only time she ever may need to come here...
The office is smaller than she's expecting. It's still about the same size as Mr. Mattias' office, except it's much brighter with natural light coming from a large window that looks out to the playground and basketball courts. Pastor Tom has a smaller version of the bookshelf at his house, though this one has a few more secular books interspersed with theological classics (a copy of The Screwtape Letters is right next to a copy of We Were Liars). Pictures of his adorable family are on his desk right next to a mug full of pens, their happy faces act as a sobering reminder to Anna about what she's had to sacrifice. A worship song plays through his computer's speakers that will no doubt be a part of the setlist on Sunday.
He sits in his office chair, and Elsa and Anna sit on their own which must have been brought in from a different room.
"Would you mind shutting the door?" He says to Elsa. "I'm sure you'll want to keep this conversation private."
"Very," Anna replies after a heavy sigh.
When the door closes and he pauses the music, there's a massive shift in tension. Despite the trust they have in the pastor, they still feel scrutinized. Although that has to be inevitable with conversations as personal as the one they're about to have.
"So…" Even the way he says that one word holds a lot of weight. "How do you want to start?"
The sisters look at each other, equally as weary, though Anna feels like she's the one that needs to answer. "What happened after I...after we left?"
Pastor Tom nods like that's what he was hoping she would ask. "Nothing, at least initially. You two unloaded so much on your parents that piling any more on them would have been overkill, and I was feeling a little too emotional regardless. After Elsa went to look for you, I told them the conversation shouldn't have turned out the way it did and I left. I was expecting...I don't know, maybe a call back from Agnarr? But there was nothing. Until three days later, when I get a notification that they tagged me in a Facebook post and uh...wow."
"What did it say?" Elsa asks. She rarely uses social media, and Anna deleted her accounts a few weeks ago after getting too many nasty messages from her "friends".
He purses his lips and lets out a sigh heavy with disappointment. "A lot of stuff. Mostly just them questioning my authority as a pastor and a 'man of God'. They said that I'm too blinded by the things of the world and I was leading Hillside towards a 'path of destruction'. It's all stuff that I and a lot of other pastors have heard dozens of times. Anyway, at the end they mentioned that they were leaving Hillside and, well, they seem to be keeping to that promise."
Anna notes that it doesn't seem like her parents mentioned anything about why they were questioning Pastor Tom. In fact, it felt like they were more outraged by their beliefs not being validated and less about their own daughters walking out on them.
"Nothing about us?" Anna asks to get rid of any assumptions.
He shakes his head with disappointment. "Even in the comments, they ignored all the questions about you."
"What the…" Elsa sounds tempted to say one more word but holds herself back. "It's like we don't exist to them anymore."
"We don't," Anna reminds her. "The daughters they thought they had are gone." She thinks back to the conversation in the kitchen, and the distant look in her parents' eyes. Should she have known earlier?
Pastor Tom sighs, "Again, as a parent I'm severely disappointed. And before we're done here I want to know your plan when it comes to being home because if you're going back..."
"We can just tell you right now," Anna says, sensing that he doesn't want to say how he really feels just yet.
"Oh. Well if you feel comfortable talking about it right now, then by all means."
They don't feel comfortable with it. In fact, there's nothing comfortable about this conversation at all. But it's necessary. Anna goes to respond but finds that the words are hard to say. She looks to her sister who, with one look in her eyes, knows exactly what's going on.
Agnarr and Iduna are still, by all technicalities, their parents. They were born from them, raised by them, and yes they were inevitably shunned by them but…did they really deserve this?
Elsa reaches over and squeezes her hand, reminding Anna of the one thing she needs to remember: that this isn't about them. Not anymore. This is about her and Elsa, and the freedom they deserve to have. Nothing else should matter.
"We're not going home," Anna confesses. "We don't feel welcome there anymore, and I know we're supposed to honor our mother and father but...well you were there. Home's not home anymore. And besides, I'm eighteen and Elsa's twenty-one, they can't force us to go back even if they wanted to. I- we really don't think there's anything that could make us go back."
Pastor Tom nods, he doesn't look relieved by their decision but he doesn't look upset either. He probably knew this would be their decision. Still, this can't be easy for him to hear. "I'm sure this must have been a tough decision for both of you," he says soberly.
Tougher for Elsa than Anna, but only because Elsa's worried about how her sister's going to fare when she goes back to St. Joseph's.
"But what about your living situation? Have you thought that through?"
It's iffy, and they're sure Pastor Tom will find some flaws in it, but they do have a plan. Anna tells him that Rapunzel's parents have allowed her to stay at their home for as long as she needs. She's going to apply for community college where tuition is much cheaper, and she's already been looking for jobs so that she can save up enough money to get an apartment. And with her grades and extracurricular experience, there's a strong possibility that her community college can be fully paid off through scholarship money.
Elsa adds that at the end of her school year, she'll help her sister raise money by getting a job herself. Their hope is to get an apartment before she starts her last year at St. Joseph's. Preferably somewhere close to Copper Springs Community College so that transportation won't be too much of a problem.
And since Elsa's schedule will be fairly lax during her senior year, she can get a job during that time too so she can help Anna with the rent. It's not a perfect plan, but…
"It's better than the alternative," Elsa says, repeating the same words she told Anna yesterday.
Pastor Tom casually taps his fingers against his desk while glancing up at his ceiling fan. They don't expect him to be fully on board with this plan, but they aren't going to let him talk them out of it either. This plan has to work. And if it doesn't, they'd rather be homeless than live with their parents again. Still, their pastor's silence is eerie and unsettling, especially in stark contrast to the confidence he displayed when they were at his home.
Anna goes to say something to break the silence, but finally Pastor Tom responds with a heavy sigh. "I'm listening to you. I hear you. I hate that this is the path that you're forced to go down, and I'm trying to figure out the best way that I can help you both. Especially you, Anna."
"The fact that you're listening to us is more than enough," Anna assures, her heart clenching as she's now understanding how much of an ally he's trying to be. Despite his experience as a pastor, he still struggles to find a way to help. This is still new, sensitive territory for him to navigate through, not knowing what people like her need. But he's trying, and he's learning.
Just like Anna's still learning about herself.
Pastor Tom shakes his head, "It's not enough. As your pastor, I have a duty to serve those in my congregation. To be like Jesus. He loves people wholeheartedly, giving them everything that he can, and I have to do the same." He quickly types something and navigates through his computer in a way that feels like they should wait for him to continue. After finding whatever it is he's looking for, he looks back at Anna and says optimistically. "I have a friend who has a counseling center next to Copper Springs Community College, and she's currently looking for an assistant. I can't guarantee you the job, but if I let her know you're interested, then you can most likely get an interview."
Anna expresses her surprise in the form of a relieved smile, Elsa squeezes her hand in joyful solidarity. Finally, things seem to be looking up for them. "That would be amazing," she says.
Unfortunately, this act of kindness will make her next confession even harder to get through.
"Consider it done," he replies while beginning to type on his keyboard again.
"But I don't think I can accept it," Anna adds with deep regret.
This makes Pastor Tom stop and lean forward with his arms folded on his desk, looking at Anna with both surprise and foreboding interest. "What do you mean?"
Once again, Anna looks to her sister for support. Though Elsa looks just as uneasy, she manages to sincerely mouth the words "It's okay."
Anna gathers the courage to disappoint her pastor, speaking with just enough volume to let herself be heard by the only two people in the room. "I...I'm not coming back to Hillside. Not for a while at least. If I come here, people will only see me as that gay girl. The one whose parents disowned her. I don't want all those eyes on me, I just want to be free for a while. To be me and not be looked at like some...parable. Which is why I have...I need to take a break from the church for a while. So it wouldn't feel right to accept this opportunity from you. Not if I'm staying away from your church. It'd feel like I'm using you."
She waits for him to say how disappointed he is to hear that, and that this meeting is over. Out of all the ways she saw this playing out, that always felt like the natural conclusion to this meeting. But all Pastor Tom does is smile. Not out of disbelief, and not in a conniving way like he's itching to say some scathing words before kicking her out. His smile is softer, nicer than it has any reason to be given the circumstances.
To be honest...he looks proud.
"Anna, this isn't my church. You know that," he corrects. "I'm just the guy who gets on stage and talks every Sunday. Jesus built this church, and it's his grace that allows me to love his people, especially the ones who feel like they don't deserve it. Now, how many times have you been taught to give to those who have no way of giving back to you?"
Anna purses her lips, "Uh, like...at least seventeen times."
"Oddly specific number," he mumbles. "I'm not doing this as a bribe, or an incentive for you to come back. I'm doing this because you're a good person who's been dealt a bad hand, and I want to help you overcome that. It would never sit right with me as a pastor- as a person- to hear your struggle and do nothing but pray for good fortune. So please, Anna, let me help you."
Anna's impulse is to once again reject his offer out of guilt, but she closes her mouth before those words can come out. It doesn't make sense to let this new chapter in her life be needlessly difficult. She deserves better...she and Elsa deserve better. "I might never come back to Hillside, you know," she adds softly.
"That's your decision to make. If it happens, I'll cry for a few days, eat a gallon of ice cream, and get over it," he jokes.
And goddamn...that's all it takes. Finally, the last of the crushing weights disappear and for the first time in forever, Anna feels free. And she can't help but laugh once more. Not a long, hearty one, but a quick, cheerful one. Her regular laugh, devoid of all the pain she's had to go through, the pressure piled on her. Finally, she can laugh because something's funny. Finally, she doesn't need to think about survival or making the best out of another bad situation.
Finally, she's allowed to be happy.
And so she laughs.
"Don't worry Tom, you still have me," Elsa interjects, glancing at her sister with relief plain in her eyes as well. "I owe a lot to you and Hillside, and to be honest I can't see myself being at any other church but this one. Besides, someone's gotta be around to make sure you don't go overboard with the metaphors."
Pastor Tom smiles and says jokingly, "Good, now I feel less betrayed."
Anna gasps, "I said might!"
With that initial tension out of the way, he updates them on more of what's been going on at the church. Unfortunately, It seems that others followed suit after their parents declared they weren't coming back, including some staff. He explains that the unfortunate exodus is a good thing, however, because it allows him to make some changes to the doctrine and lifestyle of the church to make it more inclusive to those that have traditionally been looked down upon. The marginalized, the homeless, the LGBT community. Hillside's changing regardless if Anna comes back or not, but it sounds like it's for the better.
He doesn't say anything about Hans, but then Anna doesn't really ask about him either.
After some more casual talk about how their Christmas went and what else they'll be doing for this new year, Anna mentions they need to head out so she can pack. He lets them go, but not before giving a reference to Anna for the assistant job and some apartment listings close to CSCC. With a shaky promise that it won't be long till they see each other again, they leave.
Anna thinks that if this is the last time she'll step foot in Hillside...well it could have been worse. But it never should have happened like this.
She wipes a tear away as they walk back to the car, and during the drive back to St. Joseph's they let out a sigh of relief that seems to last the whole drive. Nearly tempted to go to Oaken's for a late lunch, Anna concedes to finding food closer to campus and eating in Elsa's dorm. There aren't enough hours anymore to do whatever they want.
With their stomachs full of Chinese food, Elsa helps Anna pack the two suitcases she brought with her, along with a couple of other extra things like one of Elsa's blankets and a container full of the chicken alfredo Elsa made a few nights ago.
As they're in Elsa's room, she remarks with her hands on her hips, "Funny. You didn't bring a lot of stuff but...this place still feels emptier."
Anna smiles, leaning against Elsa's bed, "That's a weird way of saying you're gonna miss me."
Elsa looks at her like she smells something funny and pokes her in the forehead, "Eww never. In fact, I'm going to be so happy having my bed to myself again."
"Really? Well, I didn't like sleeping next to you anyway. Your feet are like ice blocks."
Elsa gasps, "Take that back!"
"Which one?"
"Both of them!"
Anna purses her lips, "I'll take back...one of them." She walks over to Elsa and slides her hands around her waist, holding her like she's meant to be in her arms. "I'm gonna miss waking up next to you."
Without hesitation, Elsa returns the embrace. "I'm gonna miss holding you like this."
And finally, in the quiet, dimly lit space of Elsa's not-too-spacious dorm room, it dawns on Anna that this is the last solitary moment they'll have for at least a month. If not more. It doesn't sound that long, but they were just starting to figure out how to be together...and now they have to be apart again.
"This is so stupid," Elsa says after a sad chuckle. "Spring Break is in like two months."
"And w-we still have Sundays," Anna adds, trying to smile.
"Right, we still have Sundays. So like...we'll see each other really soon."
"Yeah."
Yet despite their words, the sisters hold each other tighter as if they'll be swept away if they part for even a second. It surprises Anna that she's not crying right now. But maybe that's because, aside from a few more months with her sister, she's not really losing anything. She has Elsa, and this new progression in their relationship means they're closer than ever before. Despite how unbelievable it still feels.
And they did everything to keep in touch even before they were a couple, so this won't hurt so bad. This won't break them. Nothing will break them anymore.
Besides, they have an entire future to look forward to, one they'll plan together. Maybe parts of that plan will change, maybe they won't, but the constant through it all is that they'll have each other. With God willing, their trial is now over even if there's still a lot of work to do.
And now they can live while figuring out what it really means to live.
They part at the exact same time. Elsa wipes away a tear from her eyes with her palm and says, "Got a lot of driving to do. Let me grab my keys and we can go." She goes to leave, but Elsa stops her with a hand on her wrist. "Anna, what's-"
Anna pulls her back again. But instead of a hug, she kisses her sister with everything that she has. This is no mistake, no fate-defining impulse, no fantasy. It's her showing the person she loves the most in the world that she's not scared anymore. They're sisters and together, and maybe no one else will ever understand or accept that, but that's okay.
Anna loves Elsa more than she'll ever let the world know.
When she pulls away, she doesn't run away or apologize. And Elsa looks shocked, but she clarifies it quickly with a sigh and a smile. "I've been waiting forever for you to do that again, you know?"
After a quick peck on her cheek, Anna remarks with a grin, "Sorry for making you wait."
Elsa kisses her back in retaliation, eliciting a happy little hum from her little sister. She pulls away this time and says, "It was worth it...I love you. So very much."
"I love you too."
They leave shortly after once Elsa ensures that the coast is clear and that they'll be able to get down to the lobby without raising suspicion from the RA. It's a four-hour round trip for Elsa which means there won't be any time for her to stay for dinner or give a long goodbye. Not unless she wants to be driving through the forest at night ("Absolutely not! I'll be screaming the entire time.").
They supplement the time they won't have after dropping Anna off at Rapunzel's house to talk about everything and nothing. They make jokes, talk about what they like the most about each other, and jam out to Listen to Your Heart. It makes the drive feel faster than it really is.
And when they finally make it to Copper Springs, Elsa fully goes into big sister mode by grilling Anna about passing her classes and applying to CSCC, and joking that she better stay away from boys.
Rapunzel and her family welcome them back, and it pains Elsa to decline the dinner invite but she knows she has to get back on the road right away. Still, she makes time to give Anna one last, long hug.
When they part, a momentary frown comes across Elsa's face. "I'm sorry I was never able to bring you back home."
"Elsa..." Anna presses her forehead against Elsa's. In a voice that maybe even God can't hear, she replies, "When I'm with you, I'm always home."
Chapter 28: Epilogue
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Two Months Later
Anna knows that an acceptance email from Copper Springs Community College is more of a formality (they're almost required to take in all their applicants), but that doesn't stop her from breathing a sigh of relief when she reads the words, "Congratulations on being accepted." She excitedly forwards the email to Pastor Tom with her own comment saying, "I did it!"
Hey, itt feels good to be wanted. Plus, after her last conversation with her admissions counselor about her scholarships, it's looking like she's also right about tuition not bankrupting her as much as she already is.
A few minutes later, while editing her English presentation for tomorrow, she jumps a little from her phone vibrating. With a little hesitation, she picks it up to see what the notification is, and is more than relieved to see the message on her screen.
Pastor Tom: I knew you could do it! Proud of you :)
She's a little embarrassed by how good she feels after reading that.
Though the embarrassment fades, along with her initial excitement, when she looks at the time on her phone. "Shoot," she exclaims while closing her laptop. She's been so preoccupied with keeping her A in English that she nearly lost track of time. Which is the last thing she wants to do on the first Sunday that Elsa's finally free.
She almost trips over herself while putting on her pants and shoes. Quickly, she looks herself over in the mirror to make sure her hair isn't too messy and there's nothing on her face, thankful that she already brushed her teeth and took a shower earlier. Before leaving, she tapes thirty dollars in gas money to Rapunzel's door and grabs the keys to her best friend's car. Now that she has a job, it's time to pay her and her family back for everything. Despite their insistence that she doesn't have to.
She safely but hurriedly reverses the car out of the driveway, and in no time at all she's on the road again. It's been a while since she's driven outside of Copper Springs alone, and she keeps catching herself looking over to the empty passenger seat to say something. Thankfully, though she may be alone on this drive, she isn't lonely.
She listens with a dorky smile on her face to the playlist Elsa sent her. The one re-titled Songs Anna will definitely like. With every update, every song that Elsa adds, that title remains true. Anna's always surprised when every new song resonates with her. Although, it's admittedly not that hard to impress Anna when her music knowledge consists of ninety percent worship music.
Anything is a fresh change of pace, but Elsa's suggestions are always more than spot-on. She's especially taken a liking to all the songs by girl in red.
Aside from the music, her dorky smile is also due to the great anticipation of finally getting to talk to Elsa, finally getting to see Elsa, finally getting to hold Elsa. They text every day and send each other silly pictures of themselves, but nothing ever beats being able to see each other in-person.
And finally after eight weeks, she gets to be with her love.
They agreed not to put a label on their relationship for now, maybe even never. Mentally, they didn't want to keep deciding whether they were sisters or girlfriends. And combining the relations to make the term "sister-girlfriend" is definitely not happening because, according to Elsa, it's too "Sweet Home Alabama" to be taken seriously.
Love is the word they naturally decided on for describing what they were to each other. It's adorable, still has a bit of neutral tone to it, and it encapsulates their relationship perfectly. They're the one that the other one loves more than anything. They're the one who they find easiest to show love towards. And they're one each other thinks about when they even think of the word "love". It's cheesy, imperfect, and they'll certainly think of a better expression in time, but right now it works.
Just like them.
It's why Elsa started calling Anna "her love" in the first place. Which, when Anna learned that, made her love Elsa even more.
This magical February morning brings with it a late winter chill that won't freeze Anna's fingertips but still has her turning on the heater. Valentine's Day was a few days ago, and the only reason she's not too upset that they didn't get to spend it together is because Elsa surprised her with the fact that they could celebrate it today.
She hopes that the red sweater she's wearing doesn't make it too obvious that she's still feeling that holiday spirit, and also wonders if she should have bought the stuffed otter holding a heart that she saw at the store the other day.
Even now, she's still nervous when it comes to being in a relationship. A real, good relationship that she wants. But then, that's the reason they're taking things slow, right?
Besides, they can't exactly go any faster given all the time they spend apart.
Despite doing the whole school thing longer than her younger sister, Elsa found it difficult to get back into the rhythm of going to classes and doing homework. The semester she spent in Ghana messed with her mental clock, and it's been a tough re-adjustment period. And Anna's constantly flipping between easily staying productive and letting Senioritis dictate her last four months of high school. So, whether they like it or not, their busy schedules are keeping them from dwelling on how much they miss each other.
Which is a lot.
Now on the long country road, with the sun barely hurdling above the treeline, Anna knows that it's a straight shot from here to Oaken's. She does the mental math and realizes the last time she was driving alone to Oaken's was nearly ten months ago.
Which is a day that will always stick with her since that's when she asked Elsa if she'd ever been in love.
It's crazy how it hasn't even been a full year yet. Ten months ago, that innocent day in April, she unknowingly took herself down the path that she's traveling right now. And then, Elsa went to Ghana and left her sister to stir in denial and despair over her newfound feelings- which isn't really Elsa's fault, but still how dare she do that? October and November brought more denial and...Hans. Gosh, what a nightmare that was. But that would pale in comparison to what would happen a short month later. Lopez Peak, Natura, the breakup, the barbecue...the confession.
Her mother and father still haven't made contact with either of them, but that doesn't stop Anna from jumping a little whenever her phone goes off. Much like it goes off right now.
Without thinking, she picks it up and looks at the message.
Rapunzel: Grr, I told you not to pay me gas money! >:(
She makes a mental note to reply to Rapunzel later, telling her to deal with it.
Then came December, which Anna's still reeling from. It's hard to believe she ever found the courage and stupidity to kiss Elsa, but it's harder to believe that Elsa kissed her back. To this day, she still wonders if this might all just be a long, elaborate dream and wonders what will finally wake her up.
But when she thinks of Elsa's warmth, her eternally assuring voice, her lips...they're far too real for this to be a dream.
Finally, the treeline comes to an end and civilization comes back into view. The small town where Oaken's Hearth and Home is has never felt so inviting. She excitedly flicks on her turn signal and eases into the exit. One glance at the clock tells her that she's going to be a couple minutes late. Hopefully, that's not enough time for Elsa to craft a cruel and unusual punishment for not being on time.
Anna figures that she'll barge in, say a hurried hello to Oaken, and give her sister a big, tight "I'm sorry"/"I missed you" hug, but that plan goes out the window when she sees Elsa in the parking lot leaning against her car.
She's wearing jeans and the pink flannel she borrowed from Anna. There's a coffee cup in her hand and a smile on her lips. Anna almost backs into a minivan when Elsa winks at her as she's trying to park.
Safely in her parking spot, Anna quickly tugs off her seatbelt and takes the key out of the ignition.
Elsa places her coffee on the trunk of her car and walks over to Anna. "You know the rule about being late," she says with a smug grin.
Anna paces over, meeting her halfway. "Shut up and kiss me," she says before placing her hands on Elsa's cheek and fulfilling her own demand.
Elsa's initial gasp is covered up by a chuckle that sends vibrations between them. She doesn't take too long to reciprocate as her hands find their way to the sliver of skin along Anna's waist from her sweater riding up. Her lips are just as soft and gentle as always, and wow...there really is no place like home.
The only reason Anna pulls away is because she can't wait any longer to hold Elsa. Her hands find their way around her older sister's waist and she hugs her like she's trying to keep this dream from ever ending. Again, Elsa reciprocates almost immediately, and Anna can't decide whether it's better to hold Elsa or to be held by her. Right now she gets both, and she counts herself the luckiest girl in the world.
"I'm sorry for telling you to shut up," Anna mutters into her neck.
"It's okay. The kiss made up for it," Elsa replies.
Anna holds her sister tighter, though ironically her next words are, "Can we go inside now? My feet are getting cold."
Elsa turns to kiss the side of her sister's head and says, "Of course, my love."
When they walk inside, they're greeted by the warm walls of the diner and an even warmer welcome by Oaken himself. He ushers them to their booths and says that Elsa already placed their orders in so they'll be out soon. They've never told Oaken they're related, and he's never asked. All he has to know is that they're happy every time they come in, and that he's happy to see them. This time however, he jokes about them missing the Valentine's Day special and Anna boldly states that they'll be sure not to miss it next year.
When Oaken leaves to get their drinks, she can tell that Elsa wants to ask where that courage came from. But the rules dictate that she can't, not until they've both finished eating.
And for Anna, she's fine with it this time around. Now that they're inside the diner, time isn't a factor anymore; worries don't matter, nothing matters right now but them.
Sure they still have a lot of things to work through like finding an apartment, figuring out Anna's transportation situation, and considering Pastor Tom's offer for Elsa to become Hillside's official LGBTQ+ pastor. Their parents could try to come back into their lives at any moment, and they'll need a plan if/when that happens. And there's more they need to consider with their relationship like what they're allowed to do in public, who they should tell (if they even want to tell anyone), and what it's going to take to build a life together. It's heavy, scary, and a little overwhelming.
But right now what they have is enough, and what they don't have will take care of itself in due time. Anna reaches over and holds Elsa's hand, smiling because with her sister here...
...she's okay with leaving everything else unspoken.
Notes:
I don't have to get too sentimental in this note, do I? Ugh alright fine.
Let's just get this out of the way, I wasn't on some sort of profound spiritual journey when I came up with the concept of this fic, I was doing the dishes. And I got bored while doing the dishes and my mind sorta played with the concept of a modern church AU, which got me thinking about how fun it would be to have Anna be the emotional wreck and Elsa be her rock, and that got me thinking of finally doing an incest fic for the first time in like five years. Next thing I know oops I wrote twenty-eight chapters.
It'd be weird to say that this fic was fun to write, but in a way it was. I wanted to draw from my religious background and show a different, less traditional view of the church while shining a light on the struggles of current-day gay teens and young adults wrestling with their feelings and their faith. That being said, I myself am not gay. I am as cishet as they come. Which is why I wanted to pay extra careful attention to how I portrayed an issue that I'll never have to deal with. I hope I didn't in any way offend someone's faith or their own similar struggles.
In fact, if you in any way resonate with Anna's journey and her experiences, know that you are not alone. You are seen, you are loved, you are not damaged or a mistake, you are uniquely and wonderfully made. I hope you embrace that, and if you ever need someone to talk to about your struggles, my DM's are always open here on AO3 and I also have a Tumblr account under the same name that you can find me at. Don't suffer in silence, there are people out there who can help.
Wow, this is getting really fucking long. Lemme speed up to the end here. Thank you once again for reading through this story, it got such an amazing reception which was totally unexpected for me. I'm especially thankful for those who have been reading and commenting since chapter one, you know who you are. I don't have any stories lined up currently, but I do have ideas. So keep a look out, I'm not done with this whole fanfiction thing just yet.
Thank you. I love you. Stay safe. Wear deodorant.
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