Who The Hell Do You Think You Are
I couldn’t believe that Billy had actually gone and left me, all those years together and the fucker had packed his bags without even a second thought for me or what I’d do without him. Okay, so maybe I was somewhat to blame for his leaving, yeah because I’d gone and fucked him while he was practically unconscious in our hotel room.
Billy was a cunt about it and bitched and moaned as usual, he wasn’t willing to admit that it was heading that way and was bound to happen sooner or later. I hated him for putting all the blame on me like that, yeah and I also loved him and wanted him back here with me. I guess that was why I started thinking of ways to bring him back home where he belonged, Billy always thought he was better than me and wanted the limousines and models.
I was the simple one and would settle for Billy, we’d practically grown up together and without him my life was nothing. Shit I’d just spent the past five years without him and it had to end, five fuckin years and it had broken my heart not to have him back here with me. It didn’t help that I’d suffered so much in that time too, and as usual I’d had to deal with everything on my own.
My parents moved into some care home and I never even saw them anymore, not that they’d bothered with me as I grew up and that was partly the reason I became the man I did. I was nothing more than a druggie and a waste of space and they made sure I knew that, maybe that was why it came as a surprise to learn they’d left the house to me.
Oh yeah, my parents would have done it on purpose to piss me off, they’d even left specific rules with regards to me having the house and what was to happen with it. Firstly, I couldn’t sell it, also I couldn’t rent it out or use the money to fund my addiction. That’s why the house now stands empty and I’d only go there when I had nowhere to sleep, that or I wanted to remember the past that I’d shared with Billy.
I’d spent a fair few nights back down in that basement wishing Billy was there with me, in the end I just took a shit ton of drugs to mask the pain that I felt deep inside. That lasted for all of three years, then the day came when I couldn’t handle the memories or pain anymore, that was the day that I locked up and vowed never to return to the house that I’d come to despise.
Good to my word I was too, not once in the past two years had I gone back there, the place can rot and collapse before I’ll ever set foot in it again. Ha well chances are that would eventually happen anyway, especially as I’m forced to live in it or leave it empty.
Shit here I was getting caught up in the past once more, when in reality I should be focusing on my plan to bring Billy back home. Billy could be one hell of a stubborn fucker and I’d have to lay it on thick, that meant hitting him where it would hurt too. Billy was all about the high life, threaten that in any way whatsoever and he’d do whatever you wanted so that he remained at the top.
So, I guess that was what my plan was based on, Mr fuckin Hollywood came here and looked like he gave a shit or his career would take a down turn. I knew if I claimed it was for charity he’d be forced to come; he wouldn’t want his name in the papers as the heartless bastard that never gave a shit. I’d given this a lot of thought and knew it was a one shot thing, if it didn’t work Billy would be gone for good and that just wasn’t acceptable.
I did know one thing about Billy though, once he was here I could wrap him around my little finger and talk him into pretty much anything. The first thing on the agenda would be the Bucky Haight charity gig, Billy wasn’t one to keep up on the news unless it concerned him so I might just manage to pull this off. At least Bucky had become a recluse and no one really saw anything of him, just enough pressure and Billy would believe me and would do anything to help.
The plan would be to get him back for the one gig, or so he thought anyway. I’d soon make him come around to my way of thinking once he was back here, I planned to talk him into doing a reunion tour with the rest of the band. One last final tour as Hard Core Logo, that way it would give me time to apologize for the past and try to get him to stay here with me.
I’d kept up with the news and had people out there who kept me in the loop, that was how I knew all about Jenifur and the fact that Billy was standing in for their guitarist. Well fuck them as Billy was far more than just a fuckin stand in for someone, Billy was far better than all those little fuckin cunts out there too.
I would prove to Billy that this was where he belonged and just how much I loved him, it also helped knowing that Jenifur was the only thing Billy had going at the moment. Their shitty guitarist was in rehab because he couldn’t handle the shit he took, if they’d had any sense that’d have got rid of the guy and replaced him with Billy. Even so I was glad that they hadn’t done that though, as soon Billy would be back with me and realize that I owned him and there was no escaping me.
I was doing rather well for myself since I’d moved to L.A and left Hard Core Logo behind me, the hardest part was leaving Joe behind along with the history that we shared between us. Even so, I came to the conclusion many years ago that music was my life and the one thing I lived for, and now I was standing in as guitarist for the band Jenifur. I was also well aware that it might become a permanent fixture if I played my cards right, that meant staying reasonably clean for the foreseeable future.
I still had times when I craved the drugs and booze, I guess it was then that I had to admit my past wasn’t all bad and we’d had some good times. Joe was my best friend growing up and was always there for me when I needed him, hell, it wasn’t all a bed of roses and we had plenty or arguments too. I guess that was the biggest problem with Joe, he believed that I were his and had to accept and do whatever he said.
Throughout school he was always there too, he’d floor anyone who so much as laid a finger on me in a way he didn’t like. Funny that the rules never applied to him though, only Joe was allowed to touch me or hurt me. I’d gone home many nights with new bruises after we’d had a disagreement, mostly because Joe would never back down and let me do anything without him.
Now I’d heard rumors that Joe was trying to find me as he wanted to talk, yeah well it was five years too late to listen to any more of his bullshit apologies. The bastard had practically raped me that fuckin night, shit and then to make it worse John had walked in and saw everything.
Oh yeah John saw what he wanted to see, that was Joe fucking me while I lay there and took it all like some needy fuckin bitch. No one ever bothered to mention it afterwards or even ask if I were okay, and of course Joe never bothered telling them that I’d been too fucked up to stop him. Fuck I didn’t want any of this now, neither did I ask for any of this shit. Joe could fuck off for all I cared and leave me the fuck alone, I loved the man and it hurt to know that he could do that to me.
At least I knew I was safe here and there was no chance of bumping into Joe, also I knew I was supposed to be practicing with Jenifur today before the tour in a few weeks. It was good though as it gave me something to do and I could forget about everything else, when I walked in and started playing my guitar nothing else mattered.
The next few hours flew by and soon it was time to stop for a break, so I grabbed a bottle of water and sat on the couch playing my guitar. That was when one of the studio guys came over and tapped me on the shoulder, he then dropped a phone on the seat beside me and went to walk away.
“Someone’s on the phone for you.”
“Did they say who they were?”
“Okay, so who did they ask to speak to?”
“Billy Tallent, why is something wrong?”
“No, it’s all good.”
I knew Joe would call me Billiam or some other fucked up name, most likely he’d have asked for Billy Hollywood. Well at least I felt somewhat at ease, even so I had to wonder who’d be calling me out here, it wasn’t like I really knew anyone other than work. Fuck this, I was a grown man and could deal with some phone call. I even thought it might be someone offering me work, and that was the reason why I finally picked up the phone and answered it.
“Billy Tallent here.”
“How are you doing, Billiam?”
“Billy, don’t hang up…”
“What the hell do you want, Joe? Five years and you just call me out of the blue?”
“I need you to come back, Billy.”
“What the hell for, you know that part of my life is over with, Joe.”
“Hey it’s not for me, it’s some charity do and I need the band back together so we can raise money for Bucky Haight.”
“What, just Hard Core Logo?”
“No, it’s charity thing and other bands will be playing too.”
“Joe…Look I’m sorry but I can’t…”
“And there I was thinking you wanted to be all famous, think about what you’re saying, Billy. Also think about what will happen if you say no.”
“What do you mean?”
“Do you really want to come across as the heartless bitch that refused, it could end up a huge mistake as far as your career goes.”
“That’s so not buddies, Billiam.”
“You’d make sure it ruined my career if I say no.”
“All’s fair in love and war, Billiam. Hell, even you should know that.”
“I fuckin hate you, Joe…”
“So, is that a yes then, Billy?”
“You back me into a corner and then ask me that, I don’t even have a choice and you damn well know that.”
“I knew I could count on you, Billy.”
“Fuckin cunt, one charity gig and I’ll be on the next available plane outta there.”
“I thought you’d say that.”
“This changes nothing between us, Joe.”
“Of course, I’ll even pretend you don’t exist when we’re off the stage.”
“Yeah, and I’ll believe that when I see it.”
“Catch you later, Billiam.”
Joe hung up and I just sat there staring at the phone in my hand, now I had to arrange to go back to the one place I swore I never would. It was time to buy a ticket and get on a plane back to Canada, shit and back to the past I swore I’d left behind.
I was rather pleased with myself and how I’d manipulated Billy, not that it was anything new and it always came easy. The date was set and I assured everyone that Billy would be here even if he didn’t want to be, as Billy was good like that and always kept his word. Then it got closer to the gig starting and still no Billy, I called and received no answer and was even starting to doubt my own words with regards to him.
Oh, it was so typical of Billy to arrive at the last minute. I heard him mention to someone how he’d literally just got off the plane and came straight over here, at least it proved that he was still true to his word even after all these years. Even so, it still hurt that I had to go over to him and make the first move.
The contact was just the usual band stuff and I kept things as normal as possible, mainly because I had plans for Billy and didn’t want to scare him off before I even asked him about it. So, on the stage I kissed him and then we just shared microphones which was normal, hell I even kissed John so that Billy wouldn’t suspect anything untoward. Okay so afterwards I did slip up and tell those guys that Billy was mine, yet he just let it slide and then I lost him for a while as the promoter wanted a word with me.
I was never too worried about losing Billy as he always ended up in the same place, I knew I only had to look over at the bar and I’d find him there. True enough, Billy sat there propping himself up against the bar with a drink in front of him. I soon moved in and took the empty stool beside him and got my first good look at him, apart from looking tired Billy looked just as good as he did five years ago. Shit that made me think back to that night in the motel room we shared and how it had all gone wrong, it was a big mistake to start thinking about that as it just made me want him even more. I had no regrets for what I did that night either, my only regret was that Billy blamed it all on me and walked out on me and the band.
Okay so I’d come up with a way to keep Billy here for another few days or so, five gigs over five nights on a reunion tour. It would just be like old times and I’d have him back where he belongs, the biggest question was me and would I be able to leave him alone while we toured. In some ways I hoped he’d want to stay, yet I had this gut feeling that he’d be gone as soon as it was over with no matter what happened.
I couldn’t believe he’d only agree to it if I did as he wanted, I guess somethings never change and Billy was still a fuckin needy little cunt at times. I guess he’d got used to the high life and that included certain luxuries too, well he could have his hotels and whatever he wanted and I’d agree to it all until we were out on the road.
I let him have that first night alone in his hotel room so he could rest, as I knew jet lag was a bitch and Billy would be in for a few rough days with very little sleep too. Shit and then I had to arrive three hours late to pick him up and go get John and Pipe, yeah well it didn’t take Billy long to switch to fuckin bitchy mode either.
“You said six Joe, I see some things don’t change do they…”
“Shit I slept in, so big fuckin deal.”
“This is why you’ll never make it big, Joe. You’re so unreliable and can never do what people want.”
“Fuck you, Billy.”
“Well, it wouldn’t be the first time would it?”
“Shit that was low even for you, Billy.”
“Yeah, well maybe you deserve it for dragging me back to all this.”
“Poor Billy, life’s so fuckin cruel to ya.”
“You’re a fuckin cunt Joe, and a selfish bastard.”
“You know me so well, Billiam.”
“Maybe I should have hung up on you, that way I wouldn’t be here dealing with your usual crap.”
“Billy, just get into the van.”
“You’re still a fuckin cunt, Joe.”
“Shit it’s like dealing with a fuckin five year old, and you have the nerve to call me immature.”
Billy finally shut up and got in the van, he then refused to speak to me at all as we went to get the rest of the band together. In some ways the silence suited me fine and I could be left alone with my thoughts, thoughts about Billy and how I’d keep him here with me one way or another. The man thought he could piss me off with all his arguing and name calling, yet all it did was turn me on even more and I knew I’d have to have him again and soon.
I glanced at Billy from time to time and realized he was watching me, not that he’d admit it though if I asked him. As for me, I’d just love to know what was going on inside that pretty head of his. Billy was always the more serious one out of the two of us, hell maybe his dad was right and I was a bad influence on him after all. I loved Billy and wouldn’t change a single thing about him, over twenty years as friends must count for something or was that too much to ask for.
I knew that Joe was starting to push my buttons, worse was that he knew exactly which ones to push to get a reaction out of me. So, okay maybe I was acting like a kid who couldn’t get their own way, Joe could always call this whole thing off if it bothered him that much. No Joe wouldn’t do that because he had what he wanted now and he knew it too, not that I was sure I could deal with him for the next few days or so.
Within no time at all Joe proved that he was the same as always and some things don’t change, we drove to Calgary in the same shitty van that he’d had for years. Also, we had to sleep in the thing and it was freezing out here, Joe just said I complained to much and we weren’t even sleeping anyway. No because I was back to babysitting Joe once more, well it was either that or he fell asleep and we’d all wind up dead. I guess I also hated having to lie about Jenifur and what it might mean to me, also it was getting harder as that was all the reporters wanted to talk to me about. Even so the gig was good and in some ways it was just like old times, shit and then someone had to mention the relationship between me and Joe, was we really like fucked up married white trash. Well, if only they knew the real truth about our relationship over the years, not that I wanted some reporter knowing that though.
The drive to Regina was good and it was mainly just me and Joe, we laughed and talked and I missed that. Not that I could go back to a life like this and a life with Joe, I’d learnt that the gutter wasn’t the place that I wanted to remain. It was as if Joe was happy having nothing to show for his life, he never even gave a shit that he was broke all the time and going from one day to another without a plan.
I wanted to be someone and with Jenifur that was possible, yet I knew Joe would lose it when he found out I was really leaving this time and not coming back. It was then that I looked over at Joe and realized I still loved him and wished it could be different, I even knew it was a waste of time thinking like that as Joe Dick wouldn’t change for anyone. The man saw fame as a sell out and refused to do the whole cooperate thing, the music industry was all about money and not the music.
“Do you ever listen?”
“I was miles away.”
“Yeah, I noticed, so what were you thinking about, Billy?”
“Don’t lie to me, Billiam.”
“The past I guess, you, me and the way things were.”
“They could be like that again, Billy.”
“No, they can’t.”
“Because you fucked me over.”
“Just forget I said anything.”
I went back to my own thoughts and blocked Joe out; I wasn’t ready to deal with the subject of him fucking me over or how he did it. Four more gigs and then freedom, I was even counting off the days now. We arrived in Regina with a few hours to spare before the gig, at least I managed to get washed up and grab some food and a strong coffee.
Joe disappeared and I had no idea where he went, not that I gave a shit as we had proper rooms for the night and that was good. Hell, life was good right now and I felt like I were on a high. My plan was to check my messages and then get a few hours real shut eye before tonight, not that anything ever goes my way. As soon as I entered the room, I saw John there searching through the bags, not that I gave a shit about that or what the hell he was moaning about. I guess he was just loud and I wanted some privacy and peace, so I grabbed the phone and walked out onto the balcony.
So, what was I saying about life and how good it was, that all changed within seconds as I listened to my one and only message? Turns out Earl was out of rehab and I was no longer needed to stand in, apparently it was also my own fault because I’d chose to go to Canada and wasn’t even around at the time. Fuck and now I was really pissed off with it all and with Joe, this was all his fault as he’d blackmailed me into coming back here.
Fuck Joe and fuck Hard Core Logo, I wasn’t in the mood and fuck the sleep too as all I wanted was a drink to forget everything. So that was what I spent the next few hours doing, I just knocked back one drink after another until I could barely stand. Part of me hated Joe for this, and the other part of me wanted to punch him.
Only twenty people had arrived for the gig and that pissed me off even more, not that it mattered as a few more drinks would take care of that. Then suddenly Joe was there and yelling at me to move.
“Billy, move your backside; shit can you even stand up?”
“Yeah, I’m okay, look just give me a minute and I’ll be good to go.”
“Fuck this up, Billy… and I’ll fuck you up.”
“You already have…”
“Two minutes, Billy. We can talk about this shit later after the gig.”
Joe walked off without another word to me, he didn’t even wait around to see if I made it to the stage either. Fuckin cunt would get what was coming to him sooner or later, for now though I had to go out there and do what I do best. I walked out there and nearly fell over my own fuckin feet, the lights were also far too bright and I was struggling to keep going. Okay, playing the guitar came natural to me and that I could do, it was everything else that I was having problems with.
Things were going well between us and we had some laughs together, Billy had played as if he’d never gone away and played with that shit band Jenifur. Oh, I knew all about the fuckin guitarist that was in rehab, not that Billy was saying much about it and was trying to avoid the subject. At first, I’d thought this was the reason for his good mood, and then we reached Regina and it suddenly all went downhill.
Billy was acting different tonight and getting plastered before the gig, he’d also turned back into his usual bitchy self. We were literally due on stage within five minutes and he could barely stand, well we would be fucked if he couldn’t go on and play tonight and no way was I covering for him either. In the end I went onto the stage without him and just prayed he got his act together, then within a couple of minutes he appeared on the stage and nearly tripped over nothing.
Billy was hammered and that meant that something must have happened to him, that was when I swore I’d get to the bottom of it as soon as this gig was over. In all our years together I’d never seen him this bad, he played and the fans loved us despite the man could barely stay on his feet, yet I had to admit that he was still there for me when someone tried getting up on the stage. That was Billy all over, we’d always stood by and helped each other since our school days.
Surprisingly Billy actually made it to the end, yet he still remained out of it throughout the after party and I’d have to get him alone so we could talk. It took some persuading and I finally talked him into leaving with me, you’d think that he was scared to be alone with me in case I did something to him. Soon I found a diner and ordered us a coffee, Billy just sat there slumped on the seat like he was a kid or something while I watched him.
I was thinking about tonight and how we’d go about sharing a room, we still had three gigs left and I had no intention of scaring him off just yet. I had plans to make with regards to Billy and his future, oh and hell that future included me whether he liked it or not. Anyway, it was back to the present and how the hell would I deal with tonight, then I noticed the hookers and realized maybe I could pull this off after all.
“So, what’s with you, Billy?”
“Don’t you dare give me that shit, I had to kick your ass for you on that stage, Billy.”
“I said it was nothing.”
“You’re a right cunt, Billy and can’t even admit that you fucked up.”
“I fuckin did what I’m supposed to do, I played Joe and that’s all that matters. You’re just pissed that I won’t tell you why I got drunk.”
“Yeah, cos the world revolves around you, Billy.”
Billy just fueled the fire that was burning within me and I wanted more, I was an impatient bastard and hated having to wait until the time was right. I promised myself that a time would come when I had Billy all to myself, and that was when I had no intention of ever letting him go.
God, I kept getting ahead of myself, I had to go back to my idea for tonight first. I’d seen the hookers at the table across from us and thought it might work, it would show Billy that I had no interest in him at all and that he was safe with me. So that was what we did, I slept with the hooker and had to pretend that Billy wasn’t in that room with me.
Billy was so fuckin expressive in everything he did and that included sex, knowing he was there in the room naked and so close was tearing me apart too. The man made these small sounds and moaned while in bed, and every single one of them went straight to my cock. To be honest that was the only reason I managed to get off that night, I’d fucked the hooker imagining that it was Billy there in bed with me. It was easy to close my eyes and listen to him, well it was only a matter of time now.
Three lousy concerts and Billy would stay, how would depend on him though. I had no problem with using force if that was what it took to keep him here, no one would really miss him around here as he was Mr fuckin Hollywood now. I finally fell asleep with a smile on my face thinking about the future, just a shame I hadn’t thought about the present and the sense to keep my money hidden.
Morning came and all my fuckin money was gone, as usual Billy blamed it all on me and ignored me until we went to Winnipeg. Hey we wouldn’t have needed the hookers if he wasn’t so fuckin uptight, so I guess in a way I blamed him for us needing them in the first place, not that I told him that though. Then it went even farther downhill as the bar was boarded up and we wouldn’t be playing there tonight, so the only thing we could do was drive to the next gig.
John was slowly losing his marbles and the tension was rising, then John went and started spouting shit at us all. That was when he told me to be honest and admit I’d be nowhere without Billy, hell I knew that was true and would have no problem admitting it. It was when John turned to Billy and told him to admit something that I suddenly paid attention. If you were honest with yourself Billy, you’d admit that the Jenifur gig’s been cancelled, so it looked like Billy might not be leaving after all. Not that I trusted Billy and would still make plans for him just in case he decided to leave, after all he was mine and wasn’t going anywhere.
Fuck this, right now I really hated John for opening his big fuckin mouth. John was talking to Pipe now and having a go at him, yet all I could hear was Joe asking me about Jenifur over and over again. I was starting to feel as if this was all becoming too much and I had to get away from them all, then John started to really lose his shit and Joe was forced to pull over.
As usual Joe started giving us all shit and I finally lost it when he turned to me, so the truth was out and the bastard knew that I wasn’t going to make it big right now.
“Bill, I guess we can, can the rock star shit…”
“Fuckin Mohawk boy, you fucked up last night and got all our money ripped off. You fucked up four years ago, you go outta your way to fuck me!”
“I’d watch what you’re saying, Billy. Or else.”
“Or else what, Joe? You don’t fuckin scare me so grow the fuck up.”
Suddenly Joe was right up and in my face, and then Pipe opened his mouth and suggested we visit Bucky as we had two nights to kill and he was close by. Anyone would think Joe would jump at the idea considering he idolized Bucky, personally I just thought he was a dink. Turns out he wasn’t up for it at all but he was out voted and we went, ha well I soon learnt the reason for him not wanting to go.
The whole fuckin trip was full of nothing but lies, Joe had fuckin lied about everything so that I would come back here. The fucker had destroyed my future because he wanted to use me and play games, and like an idiot I’d come running right into his trap. There was very little I could do right now other than sit here and watch Joe, fuck and then I was in heaven when Bucky suggested the drugs and having a party.
For me it was a way of escaping the here and now, a way to block Joe out and pretend everything was okay for a few hours. Shit and that was a fuckin joke in itself, especially as I only had vague memories come next morning. Even so Bruce had captured it all on tape and that was rather unnerving to say the least, well the bits I could remember was enough without me having to watch the shit too. I just prayed none of it got out or my whole life would be fucked, I could still see the images of a goat and so much fuckin blood.
In some ways I were glad to be back on the road and leaving Bucky behind, especially as the only high point was the guitar he gave me. That was also something else that I knew would piss off Joe too. Well, he’d kiss Bucky’s ass if the man would let him. Joe had this ability to get pissed off and act all depressed when something happened to him, but it was okay for him to use everyone else and piss them off though.
Joe’s mood became obvious when he pretty much announced that Bucky was dead, and then even more so when he started singing Blue Tattoo. Well, I learnt many years ago that the best bet was just to go along with it, winding Joe up would be suicidal when he’s in one of his moods. I had actually thought he’d apologize to me afterwards, not that it would happen and he’d just carry on as if nothing had happened.
It didn’t take Joe long to start back on about the band again, how it was to be me and him in it together as neither one of us had any plans or anything better to do. I must be the biggest idiot walking when it came to Joe and his demands, hell I even fuckin shook on it and we always swore there was no backing out once it was done officially.
“You have to swear that the music comes first Joe, no drugs or I’ll walk.”
“Yeah, I get it.”
“Do you really, Joe?”
“Yeah, music first and then you Billy as without you I’d be nothing.”
“You’re so full of shit, Joe, I already shook on it so you can drop all that crap.”
“I love you, Billy… and always will.”
“You’re a fuckin dink, Joe.”
“Hey, that’s not buddies, Billy.”
“Whatever, you know how I feel about you Joe and all of this. You just can’t use it to get whatever you want and expect me to come running.”
“Hey, you came didn’t you…”
“Yeah, this time, next time you force me to leave it will be for good.”
“Don’t be like that, Billy.”
“You don’t use me, Joe, and you don’t touch me okay…”
“Yeah whatever, demanding fucker aren’t ya, Billy.”
“Cunt, look I need sleep as it’ll be morning soon enough.”
We sorted ourselves out and would grab some sleep before Edmonton, one more show and then this reunion shit would be over with. Not that any of it mattered anymore, I’d still be stuck here with Joe, when really I should be going back to L.A and a possible future. No Joe fucked that up, and I knew deep down that he’d fuck up whatever we planned too.
I could have kissed John when he blurted out Billy’s big secret, then I realized that everything suddenly fell into place with regards to his behavior. So now I knew why he was drunk on stage and behaving like a total dink up there, Jenifur no longer wanted him and he wouldn’t be the big shot anymore. No Billy would have to settle for the life here and stuck with me, despite he blamed me for fuckin up his entire life. Well Billy always was good at exaggerating everything and I’m used to him blaming me, yet he had good reason after our little trip to see Bucky.
To be honest, I’d expected Billy to walk out there and then. Ditch us all before the final gig in Edmonton, it would be the perfect way to get his own back on me for what I’d done. Even so, I was starting to think him staying was even worse, especially when you threw in the silence and dirty looks. This was Billy though and he soon came round to my way of thinking as always, I think the guitar Bucky gave him had softened him up somewhat too.
At the moment, my mind kept on drifting back to the trip we took at Bucky’s place and the way Billy had looked. Shit worse was keeping my hands to myself around him, just watching his tongue as he ran it along that knife was really getting to me. Billy had so much sex appeal and didn’t even realize it, great now I was making myself hard just thinking about other things he could be doing with that tongue of his.
I knew at the end of the day I was torturing myself now as nothing could happen, well not if I expected him to stay once this was all over. There was also the fact we had to get to Edmonton and I’d need some sleep before we played there too.
Things were good at the moment and I was trying to arrange another gig for us in three weeks’ time, I had to keep Billy interested that way he’d stay. Even so, I was still surprised when we sat around laughing and he even stuck up for me regarding Bucky. Not that we had all day to mess around though, the local radio station had asked Billy to go do an interview, and at the end of the day it was all publicity which was good for us.
My mood changes real fast though when Billy returns, especially as he refuses to tell me how he got on and if it all went well. So, I was sat here with Billy being and ignorant fucker, and then there was Bruce acting a right cunt like he knew far more than me with regards to my own band. I swear I hated it when people behaved like that, we had a gig to play and I didn’t think anything Bruce knew would shock me now.
How fuckin wrong could I have been with regards to Billy, we shook hands and he swore we’d do the gig and possibly a fuckin album too. No that wasn’t good enough for Billy as he was still just a fuckin sell out, he’d turn his back on me and everything here for that shitty band Jenifur and a life in L.A.
So here I were with literally an hour to come up with a plan regarding Billy, shit my nerves were on edge and I needed a strong drink to calm me down or we wouldn’t even make the stage. I wasn’t willing to let the fans down and tonight’s gig would go ahead, So I had a drink or two and also bought some drugs for later. I even thought about shoving them all down Billy’s throat just to see who was laughing then, not that I could do that though as I still loved him.
A thought suddenly popped into my head and I knew I had two choices after the show ends tonight, I’d either take a bullet and it would be game over, that or I’d take Billy instead. I wasn’t sure what to do and time was running out, I decided I’d just take things as they came and see if Billy spoke to me before the show and then I’d decide from there where to go.
It turned out that Billy was avoiding me right up until the show started, then the fucker got up on stage and was all smiles like nothing was wrong between us. I guess he thought I was still ignorant to his plans and the fact he was leaving; I’d heard that he was planning on going straight after the show without telling the rest of the band. Well fuck Billy, I did what I was good at and acted like I knew nothing with regards to his plans. Shit and then the drink started to kick in and I just saw red, maybe that was why I’d chosen to play Something’s gonna die tonight as our final song.
The look on Billy’s face was priceless, he really hadn’t seen it coming and that was why it was so easy to floor him. Once I had Billy down, I couldn’t hold back any longer, over and over my fist connected with his face and body. Then some fuckers had to interfere and start pulling us apart, and I’ll never forget the smug look that Billy had on his face either.
I wanted to hit him again and had to restrain myself, then the smug bastard just spat his blood in my face and smiled. Yeah well, he wasn’t fuckin smiling when I decided to smash his precious guitar up was he, and that was when I saw him wipe a fuckin tear away. I had to wonder whether the tears were for the loss of myself and the band, or whether he cared more about the guitar Bucky fuckin Haight gave him.
Finally, Billy walked off the stage without another word to any of us, I made a point of telling them all it was over and that Billy was nothing to me anymore, also that I was leaving and they could all go to hell. My plan was to go out there and give them the show they wanted, all I had to do was go the van and get a real bullet for my gun.
I opened the door and found Billy there collecting his stuff, shit it was one of those spur of the moment things and I couldn’t help myself or my actions. I picked up the nearest hard object and smacked Billy over the head with it knocking him out, I then shoved a couple of the LSD tabs into his mouth hoping he’d remain out of it for a while. Then once sorted I got into the van and got the hell out of there; most people would think Billy had gone back to L.A and that I’d gone on a bender.
So, the choice was between a bullet and Billy. Well, it looks like the decision was made for me and Billy was going to get my total undivided attention, and maybe I might just get what I want after all too and that was Billy in my bed.
I tried opening my eyes and couldn’t even manage that, for some reason my head hurt like someone had used a baseball bat on it. Shit I thought back to earlier and what I was doing, yeah, I was on a fuckin high and was going to get the hell out of here and away from Joe. The thought of his name triggered all the other events that had happened, the gig that was actually going really well and I was in a good mood too.
God then I remembered what Joe had said and that it was the end of my life, yeah, he hit me and we fought until we were parted and then I’d walked away to collect all my stuff. Fuck, for some reason I was really struggling to remember anything after that. I had to force my eyes open and get with it which was easier said than done, then I went to use my hand and rub at my tired eyes and I knew something was wrong.
Shit something was really wrong as I couldn’t move my hands from above my head, that was when I realized they were fuckin tied to the bed frame. Now I was really starting to panic and had to force my eyes open so I knew where I were, it was also then that I wish I hadn’t bothered.
I recognized the room straight away and knew exactly where I were, I’d spent enough nights over at Joe’s place when we were growing up. Shit I’d also spent enough nights in this very bed with him too, that made me wonder where Joe was and what sort of game he wanted to play now. Even so, I knew I’d kill him if he didn’t let me go soon, I had to return to L.A or I’d lose the gig and my plans for the future.
This was Joe after all and it would be just some mind fuck, Joe always liked it when he thought he was one up on me. On the upside it was Joe who had me and not some psychopathic serial killer, so Joe would teach me a lesson and then just let me go, then I remembered he might want more and that was worrying.
I would still have a go at Joe as none of this was funny at all, shit the bastard had practically kidnapped me to bring me here. Well, it was still dark so I figured it was still the same night too, last time I saw Joe he was stood on the stage and was totally drunk. Yeah well it still didn’t stop him grabbing me and bringing me here did it, maybe I’d shout and see if he were still here as I’d need a piss soon anyway.
I shouted repeatedly and received no answer, now I was starting to wonder if he were going to leave me here alone to teach me who was in charge. That thought made me panic and I started pulling at my restraints to get free, at first, I hadn’t even noticed Joe stood in the doorway watching me.
“Billy, will you shut the fuck up.”
“You fuckin bastard, look just untie me, Joe. As I’m not in the mood for your games tonight…”
“Sorry, no can do, Billy.”
“Come on Joe, shit I have places to go and things to do.”
“Oh, I know all about your plans, Billy. Shame I had to find out from Bruce though.”
“I would have told you…”
“When, Billy? You said you’d stay and we even fuckin shook on it, and all that time you were planning to fuck off with another band.”
“I would have told you after the gig, shit I didn’t want to destroy our last night together.”
“Oh, how thoughtful, Billy. But it wouldn’t have mattered if it destroyed all the other plans I’d made for us?”
“There is no us, Joe, we went our separate ways five years ago and it should have stayed that way. You had other ideas though and had to lie to me so I’d come back, are you really that needy Joe?”
Joe moved really fast and came over to the bed and grabbed me by the throat, for some reason I felt more scared of Joe now than I ever did. I could see the anger in his eyes and it was all directed at me, maybe he wasn’t playing a game and I had to find a way to get out of here.
“Don’t try pissing me off Billiam as it won’t work, you’re an arrogant prick and always thought you were better than me.”
“It’s not like that, Joe...”
“So are you saying you made all that shit up about loving me, I heard what you said to Bruce.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Joe. Please just let me go.”
“You told him that it was hard to make friends after a certain age and you’d loved me since you were thirteen, that you loved me more than anyone you’ve ever met since.”
“Yeah, I love you like a fuckin brother, Joe…”
“I watch you; Billy and I see things.”
“You only see what you want to see, Joe and always have, plus you’ll have to let me go soon as I need to take a piss.”
“Is that so, you keep thinking that way, Billy. Especially if it makes you feel better.”
Joe removed his hand and just stood there staring at me, and to be honest it freaked me out somewhat too. Then without another word he just turned and left the room, and I was still here with no way out of this fucked up situation.
I had to get away from Billy and what he was doing to me, having him there like that was so fuckin tempting and I wanted him so bad. The time would come soon enough and I knew that, also I didn’t want to scare him off too soon either.
Soon I found myself down in the basement and that was just as bad, nothing down here had changed since we were teenagers. The basement still had the same furniture that was here back then, there was even our old guitars in the corner gathering dust.
Everything was so innocent at the beginning and we were so young, yet I still knew Billy was mine back then. At first, he was the shy one and mainly stayed with me, I liked that though as I wanted him in far more ways than he knew about. Then came the time when we should have been out pulling girls and getting laid, yet Billy had shown no interest in standing on his own two feet and going out there alone.
Then one day I decided to bring up the topic of sex and girls, I also made a point of telling him how frustrated I got and I wanted some action. It was here right where I stood that it all happened and cemented Billy’s future, and maybe he should have thought more long term about what he was doing and the effect it would have on me.
I had no complaints back then, I guess when Billy just dropped to his knees in front of me it was a done deal and there was no going back. Billy had the most talented mouth for someone with no experience at all, and I was hooked and always wanted more. It was the most amazing thing I’d felt and I refused to give Billy up.
At first, Billy was giving me a blow job every day and I was like a junkie in need of his daily fix. There were rules though and Billy made sure I agreed to them or he’d stop, there was to be no kissing and I wasn’t to touch him either. Billy had some major hang ups when it came to sex and his own body, not that I had a fuckin clue why as he was fuckin gorgeous.
It took another six months before anything changed in the at department, okay I was getting pissed off as I wanted to touch him and feel his hot naked skin. Yeah, so like a true friend, I got him totally plastered and forced him to lay there and accept everything that I wanted to give him.
I’d started easy and just kissed him, eventually it became more intense and I just kept at it until I had him moaning in my arms. To me it was everything I thought it would be and more, he had this sexy mouth that turned out to be so fuckin hot and I realized why he gave the blow jobs he did. Shit with that mouth he could go into the porn industry, not that I’d tell him that though as he was mine and only mine.
Billy was drunk and totally turned on by the kiss, that was when I made my move and removed all of his clothing. I had him laid there totally naked and he was fuckin gorgeous, and also too out of it to stop me doing what he hadn’t wanted. Billy wanted it despite what he said, when I took him deep in my mouth, he was rock hard and soon came from what I did.
Morning came and Billy had been severely pissed off with me, well he did wake up totally naked and in bed with me who also happened to be naked. Oh, he bitched for days until he had to admit to himself that he wanted it and wanted more. With Billy it was something he did to keep me with him and to look out for him, then we got the band together and Billy started to change.
Billy wanted fame and fortune, also he was drinking and messing around with plenty of the groupies. There was no place anymore for me or what I needed either, then that night came and I’d gone one step farther making sure I got what I wanted. I took from Billy the one thing he wouldn’t give, the one thing that he vowed would never happen to him in his lifetime.
Billy tried to claim that he was totally straight, he also claimed that he’d be no one’s bitch either. So, I made him leave because I lost control and fucked him while he was passed out. It wasn’t something I wasn’t proud of and it just happened, yeah and Billy walked away making sure I’d never forget the mistake I’d made.
Fuck, it was like re living the past all over again and that scared the hell out of me, was I willing to hurt him in a way that would destroy everything we’d ever had together? Yeah, I knew I’d do anything to have Billy again, I also knew that neither one of us would be walking away from what happens here. I would have to keep him here no matter what or I’d lose him for good, and I didn’t think he’d stay willingly after what I’d done to him.
I’d just kidnapped him and destroyed his fuckin career, the thing that meant far more to Billy than me or anything else for that matter. I guess that meant Billy would be dangerous and put up a fight to escape, well I left the basement knowing I’d at least have some fun before all of this was over.
I went back upstairs to my bedroom and found Billy fast asleep, well he’d had a busy night between the gig and the drugs I’d given him. At least I could take advantage of the situation without him fighting me, I pulled a chair towards the bed and sat there stroking his hair and face until suddenly his eyes flew open.
My eyes open and straight away I saw Joe sat by the bed, worse was the way he was touching me and I couldn’t handle that shit right now. Joe was acting nothing like his usual self and it scared the hell out of me, well everything he was doing scared the hell out of me too. I wasn’t used to Joe acting like I were his fuckin lover or something, we’d never had that kind of relationship since I’d met him.
The drugs were making me feel really sick and my arms ached from the restrained position, just to make it worse I had to take a piss too. Hell, I couldn’t even remember when I last did anything normal like eating and drinking either. Maybe if I reasoned with Joe, he’d see sense and let me go, yeah right, this was Joe after all and he only did what he wanted to do.
“Joe, what are you doing?”
“I was just watching you sleep.”
“Shit, that sounds creepy even for you, Joe.”
“You need a wash and some food, then maybe you’ll feel better and accept things for what they are?”
“What do you mean, Joe?”
“I can’t let you go now, Billy. Your place is here with me and you have to accept that.”
“Look I’ll stay if that’s what you really want, you’ll have to untie me so I can use the bathroom and take a piss.”
“Shit you must really think I’m stupid or something…”
“Joe, please…Shit I can’t even feel my arms anymore.”
“Fine, I’ll untie you and take you to the bathroom. Try anything Billy and you’ll suffer; believe me I’ll be far from nice if you piss me off.”
“I’ll behave, can you hurry up though as I’m desperate here?”
Joe reached over and removed the tie he’d used to restrain me to the bed, not that I could do a fuckin thing as the circulation returned full force. Not that it mattered to Joe though, he just grabbed me and pulled me towards the small bathroom. We passed through a small hallway and there on the table was some ugly looking vase, the same ugly fuckin shit that was there so many years ago.
I never even gave it any thought, I just grabbed it as I passed and went to hit Joe. The bastard must have realized and he reacted fast too, my arms were still numb and all I managed to do was hit the door frame with it and smash it. Joe turned and slammed me up against the nearest wall, my head smacked into it and I couldn’t even remain stood as I collapsed to my knees.
“Fuck you, just let me fuckin go, Joe.”
Joe backhanded me and then I ended up sprawled out on the floor, then I tried to pull myself up and he realized what I was trying to do. Within seconds Joe was sat over me and had me pinned to the floor, I had to fight back and get away from here while I could, I knew another chance might never come up again before he really lost it.
I used my hands to try and shove him away from me, all he did was laugh at me and then use his thighs to pin my arms down. Then I noticed him pull something out of his pocket and I started to panic, shit it was a small bottle of tablets and I had no idea what they were.
“Joe, get the fuck off me, shit and get that crap away from my fuckin mouth.”
“Just swallow it, Billy. It’ll help you relax.”
“You always were a stubborn fucker, Billy.”
I closed my mouth and kept it closed, no way was I letting him dope me up with god knows what. That was when Joe got pissed off and covered my nose, now I was struggling to breathe and he knew I’d have to open my mouth really soon or fuckin die. My head started to become light from the lack of oxygen, so I opened my mouth to breathe and he shoved something inside it really fast. My plan was to just spit it out before it could do anything, that was when Joe clamped his hand over my mouth forcing me to swallow it.
“See that wasn’t so hard, was it?”
“What did you give me, Joe?”
“It’s only a mild sedative, Billy, it will make your muscles relax and you’ll find it hard to move real soon.”
“I’m going to kill you, Joe…”
“If you say so, let’s get you back up and onto the bed again shall we.”
“Joe, don’t do this…”
Joe pulled me up and bent my arm right up behind my back, that was when I knew I had to do as he said or he’d break my arm just to make me cooperate with him. I soon found myself back in his bedroom and all I wanted to do was lay down.
“Aw, are you tired, Billy?”
“Hey, that’s not buddies.”
“Yeah, well you’re not my fuckin buddy anymore, Joe. You lost that right after you did this and brought me here.”
“Not to worry, as I want you as far more than just a buddy, Billy.”
“In your dreams.”
“We can discuss that later, right now I have to get you cleaned up before you fall asleep.”
“You’re not fuckin touching me, Joe.”
“Hey, you could have had a hot shower if you’d behaved. You brought this all on yourself Billy and ask for all you get, just remember who was the one that wanted to leave and forget everyone else.”
“I have a career, Joe.”
“You also have me, but oh no you didn’t give a second thought to me did you, Billy?”
“It wasn’t like that Joe and you know it.”
“Just stay there while I go get some things to clean you up.”
Fuck this, the minute Joe left I tried to sit up on the bed so that I could leave here. That was when I realized I was totally fucked and wasn’t going anywhere; the drugs were already kicking in and my body refused to cooperate with my brain.
I returned to the room with some warm water and towels to clean Billy with, I could tell straight away that he’d tried getting up and was now laid very close to the edge of the bed.
“Where did you think you were going, Billy?”
“Hey, that’s not buddies.”
“What, and you think keeping me here against my will is? Jesus, Joe. You really need to get some fuckin help; I swear that you’ve really lost the fuckin plot here…”
“You know you want to be here really.”
“Like fuck I do…”
“You never could admit what you want could you, Billy, not even to yourself?”
“I want to be free and as far away from you as possible, Joe.”
“I know how you really feel Billy so it’s okay, I’ll look after you and make sure your safe.”
“Yeah well, I’ll never be safe from you, shit you’re a sad pathetic insane fucker…”
“Billy don’t make me have to gag you, all I want is to clean you up and make you feel better.”
“You’re not fuckin touching me, Joe.”
I ignored Billy and placed the water on the drawers nearby, I then started removing his socks and shoes. Best was when it came to removing his jeans and underwear, it wasn’t hard removing them as Billy was like a fuckin rake. I pulled them down his long lean legs and the underwear came with them, oh and now Billy was really pissed with me.
“You fucker, you’re a fuckin cunt, Joe. I hate you!”
“Just relax, Billy.”
“I’ll only relax and you’re six foot under…, oh fuck…”
I’d purposely grabbed hold of his cock tight and started washing him, it wasn’t my fault that he got hard at the slightest fuckin touch, that was Billy though, even when we were young he would get hard within seconds of me touching him. Even so, I just ignored his curses and carried on washing him. It wasn’t long before he was totally naked and somewhat clean, now I’d have to wait for the drug to wear off so I could feed him.
Fuck it, I decided that I might as well restrain one of his arms and then go and get a shower while I could. The shower felt good and even my own body was starting to react to having Billy here, not that I’d jerk off in the shower when I had him right where I wanted him.
Finally, I returned to the bedroom and knelt beside him to see if he were okay, yeah I figured the drugs had worn off as he now tried kicking me. So, I stood back up and moved away from the bed so I could get him some water and a sandwich, I’d left him propped up against the pillows until he ate something. Ungrateful bastard that he was, oh he took a large bite of the sandwich and sat there chewing it thoroughly. I was rather pleased with the fact he was eating, well that was until he spat it back in my face.
I reacted without even thinking, I just took my hand and backhanded him right across the face. Shit then I had to look at the blood as it ran from his nose and split lip, I didn’t want to hurt him and just wished he’d behave so that I wouldn’t lose my temper with him.
“For fucks sake, Billy, why do you always have to fight me?”
“Fuck you, like it makes a difference after the way you hit me last night.”
“You asked for that, Billy, plus you gave as good as you got.”
“Really, you could have come to me and asked me if what they said was true. I was going to come to you after the show and tell you everything Joe, I was even willing to see if we could work something out and I could do both. Not that it happened though, because you never trusted me and that hurt more than anything else. Twenty two fuckin years of friendship and you blew it off like nothing, you listened to everyone else, Joe…”
Billy put his hand over his face and covered his eyes, not that it took me long to realize that he was crying. I also realized that what he said was the truth and I’d hurt him so much; I loved him and hadn’t even bothered to talk to him about it all.
“God I’m so sorry, Billy, you disappeared for five fuckin years and never even came back for me. You came back because of your reputation and that fuckin hurt too, so I just figured you were going to screw me over and disappear again.”
“Joe, I had reason for leaving and you know I did, shit and I never came back sooner because you wanted more from me than I was willing to give.”
“Yeah, because it goes against who you are, Mr fuckin Billy Hollywood.”
“It wasn’t like that.”
“You’d sacrifice everything just to be famous, cos no one will ever love you the way I love you, Billy.”
“It’s not normal, Joe. Or even fuckin healthy for that matter.”
“Yeah go on, Billy. Let’s discuss the truth shall we, you hypocritical fuck…”
“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”
“Okay, admit to me that you like men in a sexual way.”
“Yeah, point proven, you won’t admit to loving me or another man because it might kill your fuckin rep.”
“I love you like a fuckin brother, Joe and that’s all, men don’t turn me on or interest me.”
“You fuckin liar.”
Well, they do say actions speak louder than words, maybe it was time for Billy to admit what he was and face a few truths along the way. Also, I would have great pleasure as I made him realize and admit to what he wanted.
Deep down it hurt because I knew Joe was right about me, well we’d spent enough years together and it was hard hiding things from someone like him at the best of times. I guess I’d always wanted Joe and didn’t want to admit it, I could mess around with him and then deny it all afterwards. Then there was the night he’d fucked me while I was unconscious, I loved the man and he’d used me just to get what he wanted.
It was a major barrier that he’d crossed that night in far more ways than one, I guess it changed me and how I felt about the man I loved so much. Hell, even best friends would have struggled to remain friends after the stunt he pulled. Then there was the fact I loved and wanted him, yet he’d just proved that I’d meant nothing to him and he didn’t even fuckin respect me.
All that thinking just brought me back to the here and now, Joe was still willing to use me and walk all over me to get what he wanted. Oh, and I knew exactly what he wanted from me right now, especially as he was there removing all his clothes and coming back over towards the bed.
“Don’t fight me, Billy.”
“I can’t do this, Joe…”
“Let me show you what you mean to me, Billy.”
“Joe, none of it matters and it never has, we always bring out the worst in each other and you know that’s true.”
“Only because you never gave me a chance, Billy, you wanted me as a friend and someone who was there for you when you needed them. However, it went way farther than that Billy and you were fuckin jealous. Shit you even gave me the blow jobs so I wouldn’t find a girlfriend, you were scared to be alone.”
“Okay so I’ll admit that I had no one else, I had no one who protected me and loved me like you did, Joe. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that I did that and made you love me, I’m sorry that my actions made you think that I wanted more from you.”
“Billy, I loved you long before any of that happened, and I guarantee you here and now that no one will ever love you like I do.”
My free hand went up and back over my eyes, yeah, I could hide the tears from Joe and pretend that I didn’t give a shit about any of this. Not that I could hide the noises though, especially as the tears soon turned to deep sobs. Shit and then Joe was pulling my hand away from my face and I could no longer hide from him, and believe me I really couldn’t bring myself to look at him right now either.
I was even more surprised when he pulled me towards him and then hugged me close to his chest, well at least I could now hide my face once more and avoid the man that was taking me apart bit by bit. Then I realized that he was warm and smelt really good, I also realized that I felt safe here despite him keeping me here against my will.
I guess suddenly I felt wanted and it felt good, maybe I was an idiot and couldn’t see past the fact that he was a man. Oh, I’d lied to him when I said men didn’t turn me on, and Joe turned me on far more than any other man had in the past. I figured that’s why it was easy to do what I did years ago, no way could I have touched him sexually if I were straight.
Joe was right and I was willing to put my career before anything else, and to me that meant keeping up the reputation I’d built myself. I had this feeling that to admit I was gay right now would change everything, especially when it was Joe I’d wanted. The man wasn’t the most stable and wanted everything I didn’t, Joe wasn’t interested in the high life or the fame.
I suppose I had to really think about life and what I wanted, would fame bring me happiness, or a lifetime alone with just fake people. As that was one of the things I loved about Joe, he wasn’t afraid to speak his mind and tell you what he thought of you.
“Hey I’ve got you, Billy. Look I’m sorry that I lost it and hit you. I guess I’m also sorry for fucking up your life and not listening to you, I need you, Billy and that’s why I can’t let you go.”
“Please, Joe… You can’t keep me here like this.”
Joe was silent for a while as he held me, I then felt him kiss me on the top of my head and then my cheek. His mouth felt so warm as he started licking the tears away, and that was when I realized I couldn’t do this with him as it was far too much. I started struggling and couldn’t even push him away, one hand was still pulled up towards the headboard and the other was trapped between our bodies. Shit then I froze as Joe said something, he was asking me something and my decision would let him know the truth.
“Billy, let me show you how it should have been between us, how it could still be if you just let me in and admit the truth.”
“Billy, let me make love to you and show you how much I love you…”
I was falling apart in his arms and there was nothing I could do, my whole resolve of denying everything was failing me now. I knew it was because I wanted to be held and wanted, I wanted this man to give me what I’d always denied wanting from him. I couldn’t open my mouth and say it though, every time I opened my mouth no words would come so I just nodded my head.
“Billy, you can’t just nod, you have to tell me so that I don’t get the wrong idea and do something you don’t want.”
“I want you to make love to me, Joe.”
As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew I couldn’t go back, not that I wanted too either. It was just the fact I was a mess and the tears were falling even faster now.
I couldn’t believe that I had Billy in my arms and he wasn’t fighting me, shit the man had just agreed to let me make love to him. Part of me was scared that I blew it and Billy would hate me, that meant that I’d have to show some control and not forget about his needs too. I was always the type that wanted it fast and hard no matter what he wanted, hell I’d pretty much been that way my entire life too.
“Billy, will you behave if I untie your arm?”
“Yeah, I just don’t want to be alone, Joe… Please don’t leave me!”
“Hey, I’m not going anywhere.”
I removed the restraint and rubbed his wrist to ease the pain, I made sure he was okay and then gently laid him down on the bed. The man was gorgeous and I couldn’t help but stare at him, well it wasn’t as if I had him in my bed naked every day so I had to make the most of it while I could. I started by kissing his bruised mouth as gently as I could without hurting him, I’d hurt the man enough in life and didn’t want that anymore.
I wanted Billy as my lover and just hoped that he wanted the same, and I was just thankful that he was actually starting to participate and kiss me back now. I even had my tongue deep within his warm mouth and he wasn’t even fighting me, I had to admit that I was worried at first that he might bite me.
Even so, I still decided that it was time I picked up the pace before I got too carried away, especially as it wouldn’t be hard with Billy so willing and responsive. I moved away from his mouth towards his nipples, fuck I was in heaven as I sucked each one in turn until they became rock hard. Billy was moaning and couldn’t deny this was turning him on either, the man had sacrificed all of his personal needs to become famous.
I was hoping that Billy would realize he needed this in his life too, well I was also hoping he realized he needed me and couldn’t leave here without me. Then I lost all track of what I was thinking as Billy started moaning, and to make it worse he kept pushing his erection hard against me.
“Joe, just fuck me will ya?”
“Hey, I’m trying to make it good for you, Billy.”
“Speed it up Joe, that or I’ll just do it myself.”
“Needy impatient little fucker, touch yourself and I’ll restrain you again, Billy.”
I couldn’t believe just how needy Billy really was, here I was trying to do it right and he wasn’t even going to let me do that. Oh, I soon realized how it was going to be, especially when he grabbed hold of his own erection and started getting himself off. Well fuck this as I’d warned him what I’d do to him, within seconds I used my weight to pin him to the bed while I restrained his hands.
“What the fuck…”
“I warned you Billy, all I want is for you to let go and let me take control.”
“Relax Billy and just behave, you wouldn’t want me to gag you as well, would you?”
“Sticks and stones, Billiam…”
Billy glared at me, and that was when I decided he could wait and this would be all at my pace. Billy was about to have a lesson in patience, he would learn that it wasn’t all blow jobs and hand jobs in public bathrooms.
“Relax, Billy, and you’ll enjoy it far better.”
“I love you, Billy and always have, shit do you think I get off on kidnapping you and forcing you to stay here?”
“Yeah, actually I think you do, Joe. You’re an arrogant prick who will do whatever you want no matter how much it fucks with other people.”
“Have you finished…”
“Don’t you like the truth, Joe?”
“Oh, I know exactly what you’re doing, Billy…”
“And what would that be?”
“You think by pissing me off you’ll get what you want.”
“Well, it was worth a try.”
“You forget that I know you so well Billy, and always have.”
“Fucker, just lay there and behave or I’ll make you wait hours.”
“You couldn’t go that long, Joe.”
“Hey I didn’t say I had to, I might go and jerk off before coming back and playing with your delectable body for a few hours.”
“Fine, look I’ll shut up okay.”
With that I grabbed the lube from the draw and knelt between his legs, shit this was sheer torture and I wanted him so bad. The last time I never got to enjoy his body like this, no because I’d just fucked him while he was out cold. That was one of the reasons why I wanted to take this slow now, I applied some lube to a couple of my fingers and then slipped them inside his tight ass.
“Do you like that, Billy; does it turn you on?”
I pulled my fingers out and soon had three inside him, Billy was such a turn on and even more so when I hit that sensitive spot. There was one thing I wanted from him first though, I wanted Billy to truly accept this and admit he wanted it. I didn’t want a nod of the head, the man had to face up to what he truly wanted and accept responsibility this time too.
I guess that I didn’t want it to be anything like the last time, I wanted it so that Billy would enjoy it and want me to do it again and again. Billy was my life and I wanted him with me always, having a willing Billy would be far easier and I knew it. I had to fall in love with someone who could be so fuckin stubborn at times, I guess that was something that we had in common and always would.
I’d noticed that Joe had this faraway look in his eyes, I bet he was thinking about all this and how I now willingly belonged to him. I loved Joe and always would, however this was just sex and company right now. I had to do this so that Joe would ease up on me somewhat, maybe that way I’d have a chance of escaping the mad fucker.
You can’t kidnap someone and then expect them to fall madly in love with you, the sex was good and I’d accept anything if it gave me my freedom back. Then Joe went and pressed his fingers deep inside me and I nearly came, I wracked my brains trying to remember if it felt like this last time. No this was nothing like that as last time I was high, also Joe was rough and it had fuckin hurt more than I thought possible. This time Joe was making love to me and that hurt like a bitch, mainly because I didn’t want him to do that as I couldn’t handle it.
“Are you okay with this, I want to make love to you, Billy?”
I lay there thinking about all this, shit he already had his fingers up my ass and I knew I wanted far more. Yeah, I wanted to feel him inside me, part of me wanted it rough without all the love crap though.
“Yeah, I want you Joe, I want you to fuck me hard and hurt me.”
“Just fuckin do it, Joe…That, or all this ends now.”
“Yeah, well it’s just as well that I don’t have to listen to you.”
Joe grabbed my legs and pulled them up over his shoulders, then without a second thought he entered me as slow as was fuckin possible. So, it looked like Joe was going to do it slow on purpose now to teach me a lesson, well fuck him. I pushed up to meet him before he realized what I was doing, and yeah it fuckin hurt and was just what I needed right now.
“Fuck you, Billy…”
I never even got to answer Joe as I were too far gone now with need, my whole body felt like it was on fire and I had to come soon or I’d go mad. Then there was Joe, the bastard was purposely dragging this out and taking his time. I had to admit that it felt good this way and it was something new to me, yet I knew I was still going to come within seconds.
I couldn’t hold back as I came all over my stomach, not that I remembered too much after that as everything became too much and I couldn’t handle any of this. I’d just let Joe make love to me and it wasn’t who I were, maybe I realized a long time ago that love hurts and sometimes you were better off without it. It had made me feel loved and wanted, and they were things that you never thought about in the same sentence as Joe Dick.
Joe would destroy me; he’d take that final piece that kept me glued together and there’d be nothing left. Right now, I just had to get Joe off me and release my arms. I had to get dressed and figure a way out of here and fast, I was just thankful that he’d brought me here so at least I knew where I was. Then suddenly another thought hit me, where the hell were Joe’s parents.
“Joe, get off me, you need to untie me so I can take a piss.”
“Hold on then, you better not try anything though, Billy.”
“Shit, I’ll just piss the bed then if you’re that bothered, Joe.”
“In your dreams, Billy.”
Joe removed the ties and walked towards the bathroom with me, shit I’d have no chance of escape if he didn’t back off and give me some space. I also felt nervous walking around the house without my clothes on, I didn’t want to scare the shit out of Mrs Mulgrew.
“Joe, I can manage on my own, can I just ask you something though?”
“What is it, Billy?”
“Where are your parents? I just don’t wanna scare em or something!”
“They’re in a home Billy, look the house is mine now so don’t worry about it.”
“Shit I’m sorry, Joe…”
“Just forget about it, Billy, it happened a few years ago and you weren’t even here.”
I walked into the bathroom and truly felt sorry for Joe, shit the man must have had to deal with it all alone and that had to hurt. Great now I was getting side tracked and that was really bad, especially if I wanted to get out of here and out of this fuckin country too. I had to find my clothes and some money to get away from here, then after that I had to get my head together and go back to L.A.
First, I took a piss and then walked over towards the sink, and that was when I noticed my reflection in the mirror and realized how bad I looked. My face was cut and bruised from Joe’s fists from last night, also he’d split my lip open again since then. Then that made me realize that I were screwed even if I went back to Jenifur, I couldn’t see them wanting me in public until my face had healed up somewhat.
First though, I had to find a way to distract Joe and get moving. I opened the medicine cabinet and found nothing in there, shit at this rate I’d be stuck here with Joe until I died. The images of us naked and on that bed together weren’t helping at all, especially as it wasn’t just tonight I could remember. We had a fuckin history that would always be there following us around, it was only a history that Joe wanted to relive every day though.
Life goes on and we grow up and change, well unless you’re Joe Dick that is. Joe wants to be that rebel teenager until the day he dies, while I wanted to move on and have a life. It was then I realized there was only one way out of here, I had to try and do the best with what I had. I grabbed a towel and smashed the mirror; I then grabbed a large piece of glass and wrapped part of it in the towel so I could get a better grip on it. I realized it was now or never, I held the glass in my hand and knew it was time to go and find Joe.
Billy opened the bathroom door and straight away I knew something had changed, the man I had and still wanted was long gone now. I could see the look upon his gorgeous face and it told me everything, Billy regretted what we’d just done and now he wanted nothing to do with me. Fuck I’d opened my heart to him and I couldn’t handle this right now, or ever.
“Billy, talk to me.”
“Back off, Joe, shit I don’t wanna hurt you…”
Billy pulled his hand from behind his back and that was when I saw the glass, was I so out of it that I hadn’t even heard him break the mirror that was in there. I thought I’d removed everything that he could use as a weapon against me, now I’d have to figure out a way to get it off him without either one of us getting hurt.
“Billy, put it down and we can talk.”
“Shit do you really think I’m that stupid, Joe. Look just stay out of my way so I can get dressed and then get the fuck out of here.”
“I can’t let you go, Billy.”
“Yeah well I don’t think you have a choice, Joe, do you? just walk into the bedroom and sit down on the bed.”
I did as Billy wanted and had my reasons for not fighting him just yet, mainly I knew where my gun was and the fact that it was now loaded too. So, for now I behaved myself and sat down on the bed near the draw and just bide my time. It didn’t take long as Billy was finding it hard to dress while holding onto the piece of glass.
I sat there and just watched as he managed to gather all his clothes from the floor, he then threw them down on the bed while watching my every move. As soon as he tried dressing, I made my move, within seconds I had the gun out of the draw and pointed at the man I loved too much to let go.
“Billy, put the glass down.”
“Shit, you must really think I’m stupid, Joe. You pull that stunt most nights after our gig, I’m well aware that it’s fuckin empty and I’m not falling for any of your games anymore. I’m walking out of here and you won’t stop me, so just put your toy fuckin gun away and sit the fuck down, Joe!”
I remained where I stood and then I casually opened the barrel of the gun and showed Billy, I then closed it and had it pointed at his chest once more. Straight away his face had changed, Billy wasn’t stupid and had just realized that the bullets were very much real.
“You won’t kill me, Joe…”
“Billy, I bought two bullets, I decided that if I couldn’t have you no one would. Two bullets Billy, one for me and one for you, you see this all ends tonight and I can’t live without you…”
“Shit, Joe please listen to me…”
“Sit the fuck down now, Billy.”
I watched as he slowly walked over to the bed and sat back down, part of me wanted this to end and be over with, yet part of me also wanted some answers from Billy first.
“You still won’t admit how you feel will you, Billy?”
“It’s not who I am, Joe.”
“So, what was all that then, shit you let me make love to you Billy and you wanted it.”
“I gave you what you wanted, Joe. It was just a trick so you’d trust me and let your guard down.”
“I know that you love me, Billy…”
“Yeah as a brother Joe, and nothing more.”
“You’re a liar, Billy.”
I stood there with the gun pointed at his chest and my hand shaking, this was the man I loved and I didn’t think I had it me to kill him. Shit maybe I should have just put a gun to my head in the first place, ended all this without bringing Billy here or involving him. At the end of the day this was all down to me and maybe he was right, I was pathetic and had just seen what I wanted to see. Billy had used me and who could blame him, I’d hurt him so many times in the past just to get what I wanted from him.
“Joe, just fuckin shoot me if that’s what you want, as I just want this to end and can’t just sit here while you think about it.”
“You always were an impatient fucker.”
“Yeah, well you would be if someone had a gun pointed at your head.”
I walked towards Billy and pressed the gun up against his temple, he never even tried to fight me and eventually he just closed his eyes. How I fuckin hated him right now for looking how he did, the cunt looked like a fuckin angel with his eyes closed tight and his heavy breathing. I could see the sweat trickle down his gorgeous face, and that was when I realized I couldn’t end his life no matter how I felt.
I really didn’t know what to do with regards to Billy, as for me my own life was over and I knew that. So, I did the only thing I thought I could do, I hit Billy across the head and watched as he collapsed on the bed and became unconscious. I then just left him there and left the room too, soon I was in the room sitting on the couch with a gun pointed at my own head, I just sat there thinking about my own fucked up life and all that I’d lost.
It hit me just how alone I really was, no parents or family anymore, also no Billy or the band either. I was hard pressed to think of a reason to live, my one reason lay in another room and he no longer wanted me. All I had was this house and I didn’t even want it, especially as I knew it would never be a home without Billy by my side.
One shot was all it would take and then the pain would be gone, a bullet to the head would soon end my sad pathetic lonely life. Now all I had to do was find the courage to pull the trigger, I’d done it so many times when the gun was empty and knew what I was doing. I guess all I had to do was pretend it was after a show, pull the trigger and with one shot it will all be over.
My head hurt as I opened my eyes, shit it was then that I remembered Joe hitting me with the gun and that was why my fuckin head hurt so much. I suppose I should be thankful that the mad bastard hadn’t shot me, maybe with any luck I could dress and get the hell out of here real fast.
It took me a few minutes to gather enough strength to move and find my clothes, I also had to try and keep as quiet as possible so Joe wouldn’t hear me and come to finish me off. It was slow going and I only breathed a sigh of relief when I was fully dressed once more, and now it was time to get the hell out of this place.
I would have to be careful as I had no idea where the hell Joe was right now, and I kept expecting him to jump me as I left the bedroom and made my way down the stairs to freedom. I was literally a few steps from the front door when I heard a noise, and after listening I soon realized that it was Joe and he was crying.
Shit was this just another ploy to get me where he wanted me, not that it mattered even if it were. I knew that I couldn’t leave without checking he was okay, maybe I was an idiot after all. I loved Joe and didn’t want to see the man this far gone and so depressed, I loved him and he was right to say that I was a liar and couldn’t even admit the truth to myself.
I decided I’d take a quick look into the room and see if he was okay, with any luck he wouldn’t notice me and I could just sneak away afterwards. I tried to remember how the room had looked when his parents were still living here, then I’d have to pray that Joe had left it so It would be easier for me to enter without getting hurt.
I opened the door slowly and noticed that nothing had really changed in the room and it was just as I remembered it, that was when I noticed Joe was sat over on the couch with his eyes shut. I’d realized straight away that he was crying, hell and also I couldn’t miss the gun that he now had pointed to his own head. The man was unstable at the best of times and that scared the hell out of me, I knew he was capable of doing it if he thought there was no other way out.
I went over to him as slowly as I could and then moved fast, I knocked the gun from his hand and shoved him to the floor. Joe landed hard and groaned in pain from the impact, not that it stopped him from trying to grab the gun once more.
“Billy, get the fuck off me…”
“Fuck you. Joe. No way am I going to watch you blow your fuckin brains out.”
“Fuck off then.”
Shit that was when I realized he’d reached the gun and now he looked more pissed than ever, at first, I thought he’d try shooting me so that I couldn’t interfere with his fucked up suicidal plans. No, it appeared that Joe only had one thing on his mind, he raised the gun once more and even clicked off the safety. I jumped up and grabbed his arm, it was too late though and the noise nearly deafened me as the gun went off. It took me a moment to get myself together and at first I was afraid to even look, Joe lay there on the floor and wasn’t even moving and then I saw the blood and started to panic. I couldn’t lose him like this and I refused to accept that he was dead, this was Joe Dick and he wasn’t allowed to fuckin die like this.
I crawled over to him and was thankful that he only wore his boxers, at least now I could see that the blood was coming from his shoulder and not his head. I knew he’d missed and would hate me for fucking with his plans, well that was if he survived as he was losing a hell of a lot of blood right now.
I think that was what made me move and realize that he needed help or he might still die, finally I found a phone and called for an ambulance as I tried not to panic. All I could do now was try and slow the blood loss down, and I was still sat there with my jacked pressed down on the wound when the ambulance finally arrived.
This shit scared the hell out of me and I realized my life meant nothing without him, Joe was my constant in life and my friend. I watched over him in the ambulance and wondered if I were losing him, and in some ways I realized that I already had lost him. Things would never be the same between us even if he survived, I figured the best thing I could do was see if he even survived first then try and deal with all the rest.
They rushed him into the operating theatre and I had to stare at the blank walls, shit I hated waiting and I fuckin hated hospitals. Well I guess Joe always said that I was an impatient bastard, yeah, he should also add fool and overall fuck up to that list of his too.
I started out by pacing up and down in the small waiting room until it became too much, I was really tired and my body still hadn’t caught up from all the touring and recent events with Joe. So finally I sank down into one of the chairs and closed my eyes, not that it was a good idea and all I could see was Joe and how he’d made love to me.
I had to get past this and accept what I was, that or Fuck off back to L.A and leave Joe the hell alone. Great now I really did feel like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and I couldn’t handle it, all I’d wanted was to play the guitar and have some fun along the way. Eventually my overworked brain couldn’t take anymore and I fell into a restless sleep, soon the nightmares came though and this time Joe didn’t miss his target and was dead. Great and then I was suddenly jolted awake as someone touched my arm, I looked up and straight away I knew the man was a cop.
I opened my eyes and realized where I were and that meant just one thing, I was still alive and my suicide attempt had failed. Shit and then I remembered Billy and how he’d grabbed the gun and then we fought, great so this was just another thing that I could blame Billy for.
This could have all been over with and now I still had to suffer, oh yeah and suffer was a fuckin understatement. I went to move and realized that my shoulder was bandaged up and hurt if I moved too fast. So, I guess I was now going to suffer physically as well as mentally, knowing Billy he was already on a plane back to fuckin L.A.
I’d lost him and there was no way of getting him back now, the man had fallen for my lies once too often and wouldn’t fall for them again. So, I knew there was no reason for me to still be alive and by saving me, Billy had just doomed me a life of pain and suffering. I remembered how it had felt when Billy let me make love to him and wanted me, yeah but it was nothing but lies to secure his freedom.
Deep down I hoped that Billy felt as guilty as fuck for that, to give someone so much hope and love to then take it all away. Billy destroyed me more with his words and lies than I thought possible, I know that he still loves me like a brother and I also know that it’s not enough. To see Billy knowing that I can never touch him how I want to touch him, and to know that he’ll never truly be mine.
I lay here trying not to think about it all, then I realized I had to get out of here and away from everyone. I also had to wonder where the gun was now and if it still had the remaining bullet in it, maybe I could get out of here and go finish what I’d started without any interruptions. I was still lost in thought when the door opened and a nurse walked in, just my luck that she looked like one of those old strict types too.
“Good afternoon Mr Mulgrew, it’s good to finally see you awake?”
“When can I leave here?”
“Well I wasn’t quite expecting that, however you suffered a serious wound and lost a lot of blood. I’m afraid that you will have to stay overnight at the very least, you also won’t be able to leave on your own.”
“Why the hell not?”
“I don’t think you realize how hard things will be at first, you won’t be able to undress or do much on your own.”
“Language please, Mr Mulgrew.”
Also, there are a couple of other matters to clear up first too.”
“We need to determine your mental state, if it was a suicide attempt and whether you need help.”
“Fuck that, look I wasn’t suicidal and I’m not talkin to anyone okay. Look I’m a lead singer in a band and it’s just an act I do, I forgot that it had real bullets in and it all just went wrong.”
“Well that will be for the doctor to decide.”
“Whatever, also you said there were a couple of things so what’s the other one?”
“The police are outside and waiting to talk to you.”
“What the hell for?”
“We have to report all admissions that involved a shooting, especially as you weren’t alone.”
“It has nothing to do with Billy, so leave him out of it.”
“That’s between you and the police.”
“So, when do I have to talk to them?”
“I will give you an hour to fully wake up and prepare yourself, they will also be warned not to over stress you and that you need your rest.”
I spent the next hour working out what I was going to say, shit then I wondered if they’d already talked to Billy about this and what he’d told them. I knew I could be stuck here for weeks if he told the hospital I was suicidal, for all I knew he might have left as soon as he’d called the ambulance so they wouldn’t know anything at all. Great, I also had to wonder if the police suspected Billy and whether they’d questioned him too.
There were so many unanswered questions and nobody was telling me anything, worse was when I realized I couldn’t even get the fuck out of here if I wanted to. I had no clothes to even wear or anyone to even help me. The hospital wouldn’t let me leave without help, yet all I could think about was leaving and going back to find my gun. Shit maybe I was well and truly fucked up, not that I could think right now as I had to talk to the fuckin policeman that had just walked in.
“Good afternoon, Mr Mulgrew. I’m Detective Sullivan and would like to ask you a few questions…”
“I’m well aware that you need plenty of rest and will make this as quick as possible, I just need you to explain to me what happened.”
“It was a bad joke gone wrong, I was messing about with the gun with a friend and it accidentally went off. I guess it was my own fault as I was showing off, look I do it at the gigs I play and forgot that I loaded it with real bullets.”
“Do you have a license to carry the gun, Mr Mulgrew?”
“I don’t carry it anywhere; look I was in my own home and was just messing about. The house belonged to my parents and my father did have a license for it okay, I was cleaning the place up and found the bullets in an old box.”
“Well firstly you will need a license if you want to keep it, also hopefully you’ve realized that a loaded gun is not a toy?”
“Yeah I think I learnt that one the hard way, I guess I was an idiot and showing off wasn’t one of my brightest ideas.”
“Yeah you can say that again, also it means we won’t need to keep our eye on Mr Boisy either as you story is similar to his.”
“What, you know where Billy is?”
“Mr Boisy is in the waiting room, and has been there since you were brought in.”
“Shit, did you think he did this?”
“We had to be sure, we never arrested him or anything as he was in no hurry to leave here.”
“Yeah well I’m fuckin glad, chances are he’d have got scared and fucked off back to L.A.”
“Well I’ll let you rest now; would you like me to go and tell Mr Boisy that you’re awake now and that he can see you?”
“Yeah, I guess I’ll have to face him sooner or later.”
Now I would have to face Billy again, part of me wondered why he hadn’t left while he had the chance to do so. Well I knew with Billy it was only a matter of time, then I realized I could talk him into helping me escape this hell hole, Billy could claim he was staying with me and then leave as soon as I were back home.
The police had questioned me with regards to Joe and what had happened, I just claimed that Joe was a dick and was pissing around as usual. At first, part of me wanted to tell the cop how Joe had kidnapped me and that he was off his fuckin head, yet I was afraid that they’d lock Joe up and it would push him totally over the edge. I guess also it wouldn’t do my career much good either if the truth came out, so in the end I decided to let it go and move on.
The best thing for both of us would be to move on, try and forget all this and just remember the good times we’d had together. I mean there were plenty of them, Joe was always there for me and we had a lot of laughs and history between us. Joe was my first and only real friend; he was the only person that would stand up for me when I really needed someone to be there for me. Great that thought made me feel like a real bastard now though, Joe needed me and I was leaving him without even giving a shit about it.
It was a short time later and I was informed that Joe was out of surgery and would just need some time now so he could heal. I knew that things could have been far worse and I was thankful that he wasn’t dead, apparently, he’d managed to damage some muscle tissue and nerves so he wouldn’t be his normal self for some time. That made me laugh somewhat, maybe that was a good thing and Joe might slow down for a while and not get himself into any trouble, ha like that would ever happen.
I still couldn’t believe how things had turned out; I was still sat there thinking about it all when the cop returned sometime later to inform me that Joe was awake. The worse part was knowing that I could go see him and had nothing to say, shit what the hell could I say after what had just gone down between us. In the end I walked towards his room knowing things would never be the same again, also within a day or so I’d be on a plane out of here.
Finally, I reached his room and just paced up and down for a while, shit you wouldn’t think I was thirty four fuckin years old. Joe always made me feel nervous when we were alone together and that was what scared the hell out of me, it was as if he could see right inside me and knew exactly what I wanted and was thinking. I couldn’t stand this and just had to get it over with before I went mad, in the end I just grabbed the door handle and opened the door before I could change my mind.
I had to admit that Joe looked like shit and I’d never seen him look so ill in all the time I’d known him, and I was so surprised that I just stood there in the door way staring at him until he looked up at me. Great, then I felt like a complete bastard when he smiled at me, it was like I still meant something to him and that he didn’t hate me for what I’d done.
“Sit down Billy, hell I’m surprised you even bothered coming…”
“Hey look I’m glad you came and that you never left me without saying goodbye.”
“Yeah well, I couldn’t say goodbye could I, especially after you pulled a fuckin stunt like that!”
“Hey, you could have just left me to die if I bother you that much.”
“You kidnapped me and then you used me, oh and just to top it off you try to blow your fuckin brains out too.”
“Billy, I never used you, shit I tried to show you how much you mean to me. It was you that used me so you could get away from me, that’s why it shouldn’t have bothered you if I’d died. You’re a fuckin cunt, Billy, and couldn’t even let me escape it all…”
“You fuckin selfish bastard, did you stop to think what it would do to me when I found you there with your brains all over the fuckin carpet…”
I knew that I’d raised my voice and was now yelling at him, then suddenly I could no longer go on as the tears fell. This one man was the only person I truly loved and I hated him at times, I hated how he made me feel and how he manipulated me until I caved and gave in.
“Billy, please listen to me.”
“No, it’s your turn to fuckin listen, Joe, do you know what I’d have done if I’d found you like that. Shit it makes me feel sick thinking about what might have happened, I would have found you then I’d have… oh just forget it as it doesn’t matter now.”
“No, you started this Billy, so you can tell me what you’d have done or if you’d have even given a shit. Knowing you, hell you’d have hopped onto a plane and fucked off…”
“Do you really want to know, Joe?”
“I’d have picked up the gun and used that second bullet on myself, so now you know how pathetic I really am.”
“You left me for years, Billy, and never gave a fuck, so why the hell should I believe you now?”
“Jesus Joe, at least then I knew you were still alive and somewhere out there. Dead is a totally different ball game; how could I live knowing you were no longer there for me.”
“Shit, Billy, and I thought I was the one that needed counselling!”
Shit maybe he was right and I was finally going mad, I was struggling to deal with my own feelings and what I wanted from Joe. Then there was the fact of his injury too and his state of mind, how the fuck could I walk away and leave him with no one to help him. I had a feeling that Joe would end his life if I walked away, and that would mean his death would be all down to me and I couldn’t live with that. Maybe I was sad and fucked up, however I knew Joe was as essential to me as the air I breathed.
Billy was scaring the hell out of me right now and I couldn’t do anything about it, I wanted to hold him and couldn’t even move from the bed where I lay. I also had to wonder if he would even let me touch him, as he was sending out so many mixed signals and I hadn’t a fuckin clue as to what he really wanted. Well it appeared that he was okay to leave me and not come back, as long as I didn’t top myself and kept breathing just to please him.
“That’s the difference between you and me, Billy, you’re okay as long as I’m out there somewhere and you can come back whenever it pleases you. Shit, it’s not the same for me and I can’t do that…”
“Can’t do what?”
“I can’t live without you here; it kills me to think of you out there somewhere and not even wanting me. Shit just forget all about this and forget all about me, you’ll do what the hell you want in the end as you always do.”
“Look I’ll even make it easier for you, just fuck off Billy and don’t ever come back. See now wasn’t that easy, you can even put all the blame on me now and walk away with a clear conscience.”
“You can be a fuckin cunt when it suits you, Joe.”
“Yeah that’s me, Billy.”
I watched as Billy sat there and the tears fell silently, I gave him the chance to walk away from it all and he’s still just sat there and not even talking to me now. Everything is so raw and I don’t think I can handle any of this or Billy right now. Shit Ed Festus had said we were like some white trailer trash married couple, I had to admit it felt that way with Billy at times and he could be really hard work. I guess I’d have to find a way to lighten the mood, I knew that I should also mention about needing his help to get the hell out of this place too.
“Look I’m sorry, Billy, I’m sorry for everything I ever did wrong to you and for fucking up your life. Maybe I am a cunt, and chances are you will think even less of me when I tell you I need your help…”
“What do you want, Joe?”
“Just spring me from this hell hole and then we can go our separate ways, I’ll beg if you want Billy, as it’s not like I have anyone else I can ask.”
“Why do you need my help to leave here?”
“They won’t let me leave on my own.”
“Yeah with good reason, shit you can barely look after yourself when you’re not injured.”
“Gee thanks for the confidence vote there, Billy.”
“Well it’s fuckin true.”
“Billy, will you help me or not, I swear I won’t ask you to do anything else for me and you can leave straight after I’m home.”
“Fine, I’ll be here tomorrow afternoon with some clothes.”
“There’s some money in the draw near the bed, you can take some of that and we can get a cab back.”
“Yeah well that’s if they say you can leave.”
“I’ll be leaving tomorrow, Billy. One way or the other.”
“Joe, I mean it.”
“Yeah whatever, look thanks for this, Billy”
“You’re still a dink, Joe.”
Those where the last words Billy said to me before leaving, he’d just got up out of the chair and walked out without saying another word. Well it was okay and he was willing to help me leave here, also I knew I’d discharge myself if they even so much as thought about keeping me here any longer.
I knew that deep down he was struggling with all of this and he couldn’t face me, I’d seen the tears and knew that he was torn between staying and getting his skinny ass on the next plane out of here. So okay, I’d said I just wanted his help and once I was home he could leave, deep down I knew that was a joke and I was afraid of what I might do once he does go.
So many years we shared, yet I was never happy and had always wanted more from him even if it hurt him. I’d fucked him over before and lost him, this time I kidnapped him and then it had all gone to hell and there was no coming back. Billy would leave as I couldn’t offer him the lifestyle he wanted, also he wasn’t even willing to admit to himself that he liked men too.
Billy always had to be so fuckin sensitive about everything and that made it so much harder, yeah well, I guess that was what made him the man he was. I had to admit that I loved him too when he was like this, it was a side that hardly anyone ever got to see and I liked having that part of him. Now I just wanted what we’d had when we were teenagers, back when Billy would do anything to keep me with him.
I guess we don’t always get what we want in life and maybe I don’t deserve him, and it wasn’t like I could turn back the time either. I would get to spend a couple of hours with him tomorrow and had to make the most of it, once back at the house Billy would be leaving for good and it fuckin hurt. Just thinking about him leaving made my chest hurt, I felt like someone was crushing my heart in a vice and soon the pain would totally consume me.
Great, I knew come tomorrow it would be far worse and that was why I wanted to be at home, I could handle it and there were ways to deal with the pain if I was alone. I knew there was still some medication in the medicine cabinet, also the nurse had said they’d supply me with some strong pain meds to take home with me. Another day and all the pain and suffering would be over for me, at least Billy’s life would go on and he’d get the fame he so badly wanted.
Joe was a stubborn fucker and I knew he would leave the hospital no matter what I said, the man would find a way and even discharge himself if it got him out of there. I knew that he hated hospitals and always had, yet this time it was as if he had something to rush back home for and that scared me. I guess I had visions of Joe picking up where he left off, the dink would most probably end his life the minute I left him alone.
I was totally lost now and could see no way out of this mess for either of us, then I found myself back at that house knowing I’d have to spend the night there alone. I’d spent many nights here over the years, but Joe was always here and I’d felt safe with him. I wanted that feeling back and that was why I went down to the basement, no one had ever used it other than myself and Joe and it was our place. I picked up the old guitar and blew the dust off that had gathered, it was old and cheap, yet years ago it had meant the world to me just as Joe had too.
I could remember the day I’d saved enough to go by it, me and Joe were forming a band and I dreamt of spending my life with him. We were inseparable and I loved that, I guess it was the first time someone had wanted me for who I was and I liked having all of Joe’s attention. Shit, and then I grew up and realized that I had to change if I wanted to survive in the music industry.
The guitar felt good in my hands and soon I was lost in my own world, time passed and it was only later on that I realized there were things that needed doing. So, I put the guitar back and went to check out the kitchen for supplies, it was obvious that Joe had never planned to stay here as all the cupboards were bare and I’d need to go shopping. First though, I would have to go back into the bedroom and see how much money Joe had hidden in there.
The bedroom smelt of Joe and sex and I couldn’t deal with any of this right now, and I decided to strip the bed first and shove all the bedding into the washer. Yeah great, now I really did feel like some good little housewife doing all the chores. Even more so an hour later when I found myself inside the local supermarket, thankfully I’d found the keys for the van and Joe seemed to be doing okay for money too.
We’d just done the reunion tour and scraped by to even eat or get a motel, yet here Joe was with a couple of grand hidden in his sock draw. I guess that was something I could ask Joe about later on, now I had to take the food back and get all the bedding dry. Shit I think I preferred it on the road than dealing with all this normality, not that it took long to have the place cleaned up and all the food away. I’d bought mainly junk food as neither one of us would want to cook anything, I’d even managed to pack a bag of clothes to take to the hospital for Joe
All I could do now was grab some much needed sleep and mentally prepare myself for tomorrow, would I walk away and leave Joe here alone to try and cope with his injury, that or stay and help. I felt so lost and didn’t really know what was expected of me anymore, and this bedroom really wasn’t helping right now as it reminded me of Joe and what we’d done together. I weighed up my options and made a decision, I got up and started searching in the closet for the spare bedding Joe always kept there so I could sleep on the couch. Joe would need the bed anyway so there was no point getting comfy, as I had no intention of sharing a bed with him if I decided to stay and help.
There right on the top shelf was a couple of blankets, yet I pulled and it would appear that they were stuck on something. That just made me more determined and I gave them a hard yank in the hope of freeing them, suddenly the blankets came free and fell on top of me along with a few other things. Great this was so Joe, amongst the bedding were a dozen porn magazines. To my surprise, they were gay porn and it made me realize a lot about Joe.
It turned out they were all naked men and not one single woman, maybe Joe never really did have a thing for females after all either. Then I thought back to when we were teenagers and how Joe had manipulated me, the bastard had claimed he was frustrated and needed a girlfriend. When I’d say it was obvious he was lying and had really wanted me even back then, shit and I’d dropped straight to my knees and given him what he wanted.
Well I didn’t want to think about any of that right now, and I decided the best thing to do was just shove it all back away and out of sight. Joe would never have to know that I knew about his little secret, my hands were shaking just thinking about what he really wanted and that was when I dropped one of the magazines and froze. Just the sight of the photo’s made me feel sick and I knew I’d have to get a closer look. I flicked through the magazine to find many more photos slotted between the pages, and every single photo had the same thing in common. How the fuck had I not known about them, shit every photo was of me and I was naked in every single one of them. I realized the pictures were from when I was seventeen onward, I was fast asleep and in Joe’s bed and it was when I’d given him a blow job.
My mind raced along with my heart, especially when I realized what Joe had done and when he’d done it. Joe had pulled the covers back and taken many pictures of me, yet there were also plenty that were just of my face and that was what was worrying me. Did Joe really love me that much even back then, love me as a lover and not just a friend.
My night in hospital was a fuckin nightmare, and my shoulder seemed to hurt despite all the shit they pumped me with. That was just one of the many reasons I couldn’t wait to leave here, I guess it was also the fact I’d get to see Billy too before he left. It was daylight now though and the doctor had agreed that I could go home, now I just needed Billy to arrive so I could get the hell outta here.
Afternoon came and Billy didn’t, that had me wondering if he’d done what he always did and just fucked off again. It was so like him and it wouldn’t be the first time he’d done it without telling me, well this did fuck all for my mood and I was pissed off when he finally opened the door and walked in.
“You took your fuckin time, Billy!”
“It’s good to see you too, Joe.”
“Fuck you, Billy.”
“Do you want me to leave here without you, as you’re the one that needs help Joe and not me.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath; I could do this and it would all be over soon enough anyway. All I had to do was be nice to Billy until he sprung me from this hell hole, even if that meant groveling to the man.
“Okay, look I’m sorry, Billy, and yeah I wanna leave here with you.”
“So why piss me off then, Joe?”
“Bad night and fuck all sleep I guess, I said I’m sorry.”
“Yer a fuckin dink, Joe, look just get dressed while I go see the doctor for your meds and shit.”
Billy left me to dress and that’s when I realized just how screwed I really was, I couldn’t even put my fuckin jeans on because of the excruciating pain in my shoulder. It was a wake up call though and made me realize a few things, and I knew I wouldn’t survive alone and would end this as soon as Billy left. I had fuck all anyway so it was no big deal, then Billy walked in and I hadn’t even realized he were there or that I was crying.
“Shit, Joe, I leave you alone for five minutes and you fall apart.”
“Fuck you, Billy, and fuck this…”
“Joe, talk to me, tell me what’s wrong.”
“What the hell do you think, shit I can’t even manage to get my own fuckin clothes on.”
“Shit I never even thought, look just sit on the bed and I’ll help you okay. Well that or I can get a nurse to do it, Joe.”
“Just help me you fucker so I can leave.”
I sat on the edge of the bed like some little fuckin kid getting dressed, Billy made me put my arms in the sweater first and then pulled it over my head. Once done, he knelt down on the floor and grabbed the clean pair of socks. While I was rather pre occupied just watching him, well especially as I was thinking of other things he could do while he was down there on his knees.
“Joe, I said stand up.”
Yeah, I was occupied alright, Billy had even managed to pull my jeans so far up my legs without me even realizing it at the time. I snapped out of my dream and back to reality and that was even worse, to have Billy pull up my jeans and have his long fingers so close to my cock.
“Joe, knock it off will ya.”
“I can’t fasten the zip if you go getting all hard on me.”
“Only you do that to me, Billiam.”
“Yeah well don’t go getting any ideas, just sit and then I can get your boots on as the cab will be here in a few minutes.”
Billy was knelt down once more and my mind was elsewhere, and soon my hand was in his hair playing with it as I became turned on even more. Then Billy had his hand up and was removing it and putting my hand down on the bed, yeah well he was a cunt anyway and would lie if I pointed out the obvious. No way could Billy hide the bulge that was now apparent in his own tight jeans, hmm maybe I should give Billy one for the road before he left for good.
“Joe, will you get your head out of the fuckin gutter as we have to leave.”
“Whatever, did you get all the meds and shit?”
“Yeah I got it all.”
Yeah well, I had no idea what happened to the gun or the remaining bullet, that was one of the reasons why I wanted the meds as I might not have another way to end all of this. The cab drive was short as it was now late in the day, not that it stopped me from falling asleep on and off as the car lulled my tired body. Soon though I had Billy telling me to wake the fuck up, yeah home sweet fuckin home. God how I hated this fuckin house now and how I was tied to it, then again what better place than this to top myself.
Getting out of the cab took some time and finally Billy helped me, he even paid the driver and helped me up the stairs and inside. I couldn’t keep my eyes off him or his gorgeous fuckin body, soon he would be gone and I’d never get to hold him or even touch him again. I guess that was why I wasn’t thinking when I made my move, within seconds I used my good arm and had him slammed up against the closed door.
“Get the fuck off me, Joe.”
“Aw come on, Billy. You know you want this too.”
“Joe, I’m warning you, don’t make me fight back when your shoulders fucked up and I might hurt you.”
“You don’t mean that…”
“Come on, just a quickie, one for the road before you leave.”
“You sad fucker, is that what you thought, Joe?”
“What ya talkin about, Billy?”
“I’m staying here for now; I’m not stupid, Joe. And I know what you’ll do as soon as I leave.”
Billy was staying for a while and that thought scared the hell out of me, I couldn’t top myself now as Billy would be watching my every move. Then on the other hand, I couldn’t survive here with him and not be able to touch him. So, it looked like I was well and truly fucked no matter what I did, and that was why sometimes I hated Billy and he could be a right cunt at times.
The look of shock on Joe’s face was totally priceless, he even let go of me and took a few steps backwards too. Well that made me realize that I was right and Joe had planned to do something, he pissed me off at times but I wasn’t prepared to lose him without a fight. Yeah right, so what the hell would I do when I had to go back and play with Jenifur again.
“Are you really staying?”
“For now, yeah, just don’t be a dink Joe and piss me off.”
“Okay, look I’m tired and need to lay down.”
“Fine, go lay on the bed and I’ll help you undress.”
I watched as Joe went into the bedroom while I hung back for a few minutes, I wanted to get myself under control and make sure Joe had no reason to get any ideas in that head of his. Yeah right, Joe never needed help when it came to me and things like that. Finally, I walked into the bedroom and found him laying down, so I just removed his boots and then went to unfasten his jeans. Straight away he grabbed me tight around my wrist and placed my hand over his groin, I swear to god I’d end up hitting him no matter how much pain he was in.
“Joe, get the fuck off me!”
“Sleep in the fuckin jeans for all I care, just let me fuckin go or else.”
“You’re such a fuckin turn on when you behave like this, Billy. Okay I’m sorry, just remove the jeans then and I promise to behave.”
Joe let go of my wrist and I wasted no time removing his jeans, now he could just stay in his boxers and tee shirt so I wouldn’t have to do this again. I even managed to get him his meds and a glass of water while he lay there just watching me, and that was somewhat worrying as Joe was never quiet unless he was planning something.
“Just get some sleep, Joe.”
“Billy, sleep here with me.”
“I’m sleeping on the couch, Joe. It’s for the best and you know it.”
“Fine, will you just lay with me until I fall asleep then.”
“Shit, Joe. I don’t think…”
“Please, I swear that I won’t ask you for anything else.”
I moved over towards the bed and lay down without speaking, at least Joe had his injured shoulder at the other side and I wouldn’t accidentally hurt him. I lay on my back and closed my eyes as I thought about everything, life and how I was right back where I were over twenty years ago. So much for all the big dreams we’d had, dreams that Joe was determined to fuck up at every turn. Oh shit, and then my eyes flew open when I realized Joe was opening the zip on my jeans.
“Just relax, Billy.”
Joe had managed to open the zip and was now slipping his hand inside my boxers, and then I had to react to him and get turned on as he groped me. I froze and realized I couldn’t push him away without hurting his shoulder, yet I also refused to lay here and let him have his own way yet again. So I did the only thing I could do, however I moved too fast and landed hard on the floor in my attempt to avoid him.
“Billy, shit what the hell are you doing?”
“Stay the fuck away from me, Joe.”
“I won’t hurt you, Billy.”
I managed to stand back up and re fasten my jeans while Joe lay there watching me, I guess I was just thankful that he’d made no attempt to get up off the bed and come near me. Not that anything would happen now as I was really pissed off with him using me, so I opened the nearest draw and grabbed the photos and then I threw them at Joe.
“You will have to make do with these, Joe.”
“What the fuck…”
“Yeah well it’s that or nothing as I damn well ain’t your fuckin bitch.”
With that I just walked out of the room and left him there, he’d called out to me but I was far too pissed to even bother answering him right now. I soon found myself back in the basement with my old guitar, I guess I felt safe here and I had no fuckin idea why as Joe had wanted me back then too. Well it fuckin hurt because I knew he was right and I didn’t want him to be, how the hell had I fallen so deeply in love with the most annoying bastard walking.
I wanted Joe and deep down I always had, but I also wanted the fame and the two would ever exist in this world no matter what I wanted. So, did I want Joe or the fame more. I was fucked and couldn’t decide without losing myself along the way, music was a huge part of my life and I had no idea what I’d do without it. Joe had survived doing solo gigs and playing in clubs while I was away, yet that wasn’t for me and I knew it too.
The tears flowed and now I couldn’t even see through them, to make it worse I was shaking and couldn’t even manage to play my guitar either. I had no idea how much time had passed and I didn’t care either, well until I heard something and looked up to see Joe stood there watching me. Fuckin great, I was just pathetic useless Billy once more and only good for one thing. I slid to my knees and then looked up at Joe before pulling down his boxers, and Joe was hard just as I’d expected, most likely got off seeing me like this.
“Maybe I’m your bitch after all, Joe.”
I couldn’t believe Billy had found the photos I’d taken years ago, and at first, I thought he’d gone and left me here all alone. Billy was pissed off when he’d stormed out of here and he had every right to be too. I’d just lay there too afraid to follow him, maybe it was for the best and I should just fuckin end my sad fucked up life right now. Finally, I moved and managed to go downstairs to the kitchen for my meds, and that was when I heard the guitar and knew Billy was still here with me after all.
It still took me another ten minutes before I plucked up the courage to move, I think it was because the music had stopped and I felt like I were intruding on him now. Then I went down the stairs and saw him curled up on the couch crying, it was at that moment that I realized what I’d done to him and how I’d used him, then suddenly Billy moved and fell to his knees in front of me and I were lost. How the fuck could I stand here and let the man I loved do what he was going to do, shit he meant far more to me than some misguided blow job.
“Billy, not like this…”
“It’s okay, Joe.”
“No, it fuckin isn’t okay.”
Billy visibly flinched and I realized my words were rather harsh towards him, then he just knelt there with his head bend down and refused to look up at me. I could see that he was sobbing as his body shook, yet he refused to make a sound as he fell apart in front of me. I managed to grab my boxers with one hand and pull them back up, not an easy feat by no means when you’re rock hard. I then sank to my knees in front of Billy and put my good arm around him, shit and that was when my heart broke with the sounds he made.
“Come on Billy, just let it all go and then it’ll be okay. I fucked up okay and you deserve far better than this and me for that matter.”
Billy just sobbed and his body went limp, it was times like this that I wished I had both of my arms. Oh, and maybe a fuckin clue as to what to say in times like this to make it better. I just knew that I were way too old to stay kneeling here like this, and now my shoulder was throbbing like hell too. I wanted to move and was afraid to suggest it to Billy, would he think I wanted him in my bed just to use him again. Ha, well I only had myself to blame if Billy did think something like that.
“Billy, we need to move off this floor, as I think we’re both too old for this. We both need some sleep and then we can talk tomorrow if that’s what you want, hell or you might want to get as far away from me as possible and I get that. Stay for tonight, Billy, as you can’t leave like this, I’ll even let you have the bed if you want.”
“Yeah I’m so tired, Joe. Just tired of it all.”
Well at least he was talking to me, also he let me pull him up and lead him back upstairs towards my bedroom. Shit, then Billy just stood there as I grabbed all the photo’s off the bed and shoved them back in the draw.
“I’m so sorry, Billy. Look I’ll burn them all tomorrow.”
“I don’t care what you do with them, Joe, I just want to go to sleep and forget all about this for a while.”
“Yeah okay, do you want to undress… Fuck, just forget I said anything.”
Billy never answered my question, yet he soon removed his jeans and lay down on the bed in his tee shirt and boxers. All I could do was cover him up and hope that he wasn’t this far gone come morning, as this was a side of Billy I’d never seen and I didn’t like it either.
“Get some sleep, Billy. I’ll be on the couch if you need me for anything buddy.”
“Yeah. What is it, Billy?”
“Don’t leave me here alone.”
“I’m okay Joe, I just want someone to hold me and make me forget about everything for tonight.”
I stood there for a minute wondering if this was a stupid fucked up idea, yet one look at Billy and I knew it didn’t matter what I thought as he needed me. I pulled back the cover and lay on my back staring at the ceiling too afraid to move, well I didn’t want Billy getting the wrong idea here did I.
“Will you at least face me.”
God his voice sounded so small and broken all because of me and what I’d done, so I turned on my side and pulled him against my chest as my bad shoulder had to rest across his body. It was the best I could do and I just hoped it was enough, then soon enough Billy snuggled up close against me and fell asleep in my arms. Then I guess it hit me, I actually felt wanted and this felt so right as I held him here. To me it was always about sex and getting off, when really this was what love was all about. I felt far more connected with Billy now than I ever had before, maybe because this was love and what I really wanted from him.
I kissed the top of his head and swore that I’d never hurt him again, and if he wanted to leave in the morning, I would let him go. Maybe him leaving would be for the best as that way I couldn’t hurt him at all, we always seemed to push each other’s buttons until someone suffered. Jesus I was too overwhelmed with Billy here and couldn’t even think straight, maybe we both needed a good night’s rest and then see what tomorrow brought. I kissed Billy once more and then closed my eyes, I was exhausted and I knew sleep would soon come.
I woke up and realized it was now morning, I also realized that I was still in Joe’s arms and he was watching me. My first thought was to pull away from him and pretend none of it had happened, what like how I’d dropped to my knees to become his bitch once more.
“Billy, don’t just lay here, talk to me.”
“And say what?”
“Tell me if you’re okay now, because I can’t change what I did to you, Billy. Even though I wish I could.”
I guess I’m just tired of waking up tired, Joe.”
“Hey, I’ve got ya, Billy.”
“I need time Joe; I need to get some stuff straight in my head and accept a few things too.”
“You, me, this thing between us. Who I really am and what I really want without blaming you all the time?”
“Hey it’s okay to blame me, Billy. I messed with your head over the years and it was wrong.”
“I know that Joe and I do blame you for some things, I just think there are things that come down to me and me only.”
“Whoa you sound so complex there, Billy.”
“I think I’m gay, Joe…”
“Whatever gave you that idea, Billy?”
“Very funny, I thought I was maybe bisexual and I just did stuff to keep you as my friend.”
“Billy, I’m your friend no matter what.”
“Yeah but I gave you the blow jobs to keep you to myself, I always told myself I were straight and it meant nothing.”
“I love you and I always have, just this is different and I refused to admit it even to myself.”
“Shit, I never meant to mess with yer head, Billy.”
“Hmm, I always thought you got a kick out of doing that, Joe.”
“Hey that’s not buddies.”
“Not that it matters now anyway, and back then I just ran away from everything as usual.”
“Well I didn’t make it easy for you.”
“Fuck, Joe, I’m trying to tell you that I’m in love with you!”
“And is that such a bad thing?”
“I don’t know.”
“Gee thanks, Billy.”
“Sorry, it just changes the way I’ve thought of myself. I’m thirty four Joe and I thought I was straight or possibly bi, now I have to face the fact I was living a lie my whole fuckin life.”
“We did some wild stuff over the years, that must have told you something about your sexuality, Billy?”
“Yeah like I said, I thought I was maybe just bi or something.”
“Maybe you are, I mean you’ve spent plenty of time with women too, Billy.”
“Yeah well it’s not as simple as that, Joe.”
“Why isn’t it?”
“Because I only got off if I thought about you, now you know just how much you fucked me up, Joe.”
“Hey you can’t blame that one on me, Billy.”
“What, the fact that I really am just your fuckin bitch after all.”
“Billy, you are far more to me than that.”
“Fuck this and fuck you, I’m going for a shower and need some time to myself.”
I moved Joe’s injured arm and got up off the bed, I knew I’d end up crying like some fuckin baby if I stayed here any longer and I needed a shower anyway. The water felt good and it washed all the tears away too, maybe if I’d stayed away it wouldn’t have come to this. No, Joe made one call and I came running because it was what I wanted, even if I’d tried to deny the truth at the time.
Now I was back though and I’d become even weaker now, I didn’t even know if I had the strength to leave him again either. It was always about Joe and had been since we were thirteen, shit I’d spent over twenty years burying my head in the sand and hiding from the truth. Accepting the truth would change my entire way of life and I was so confused, maybe Joe should have put a bullet in my head before trying to kill himself.
Eventually I had to turn off the shower and leave the bathroom, I guess I couldn’t hide in here all day as Joe would need my help soon enough. I could always act like he was my buddy and I was just here to help him, maybe keep a safe distance and not let anything happen between us. Yeah right, this was Joe and Joe’s whole life revolved around sex and taking me apart.
I found Joe sat at the kitchen table with a mug of coffee in his hand, then I saw one there for me and sat down opposite him. Fuck and then he smiled the smile that melted my heart and I was lost; how could I stay here and keep it all neutral never mind Joe.
“You can leave if this is too much for you, I’ll cope alone as I don’t need to get dressed or do anything strenuous.”
“I’m staying, Joe. I can’t keep running away from every fucked up mess in my life.”
“Joe, can I ask you something and get an honest reply?”
“Yeah, of course you can.”
“Did you really want to die because of me?”
“I didn’t want to be alone; it was always about you and that was why I took the photos of you in bed. I was scared that one day you might go and I’d never see you again, Billy.”
“Fuck you, Joe. I can’t believe you would have done that to me.”
“Billy, you were fuckin leaving so don’t go and get all pissy on me.”
“Dead’s different, fuck there’s no coming back from that.”
“It hurt, Billy, and I wanted it all to end.”
“What about after the hospital?”
“What do you mean?”
“Would you have topped yourself if I’d left?”
“Don’t do this, Billy.”
“Just answer the fuckin question.”
I was pissed that Joe thought so little of his own life, he had so much to live for with or without me in it. Not that it mattered whether he answered me or not as his silence said it all.
Okay so Billy really did love me in his own fucked up way, that just made me realize how it was really me that was the problem and the way I treat him. Maybe it was time to treat Billy like someone I actually did love, well my love for him wasn’t in doubt. Shit, I’d treat him like a piece of meat since he was thirteen years old and I wondered why he had problems. Me fucking with his head for so many years made me wonder why he was still here, hell I’d have even left me if I were Billy.
I suppose the question was whether I could change too, as I was also so fucked up and set in my ways just as he was. Now he was watching me though and I realized I hadn’t even answered him yet, not that it mattered as Billy already knew the answer to that question. I’d gone five years without him and it tore me apart, and I was even willing to take a bullet rather than suffer that kind of loneliness once more.
“Joe, please answer me.”
“I can’t, Billy. You have to stay because it’s what you want and not because of what I might do...”
“I want to stay at the moment and work this out, but what if it goes wrong and I decide to leave Joe, then what?”
“Then you leave, it’s as simple as that, Billy.”
“Yer a cunt at times, Joe and don’t make this easy.”
“Look let’s just take things as they come.”
“What about the band, shit and what about Jenifur?”
“When were you meant to be back there?”
“It doesn’t matter, shit it was just practice and the tour doesn’t start for a couple of weeks.”
“So, we have some time.”
“Yeah I guess so.”
We spent the next couple of days just talking and I tried to go easy with Billy, maybe deep down I wanted to give him the type of relationship he deserved. He even decided to sleep on the couch as he wanted to see how things went between us first, Billy claimed that the sex was a distraction and would get in the way. Yeah well Billy had no idea how I suffered in that bed alone, by the third night I’d pulled out a couple of photos of Billy. Great, I get to jerk off while the man I’m thinking about is in the same house as me.
Billy seemed different and I couldn’t put my finger on it, then his mood changed and he was constantly finding fault with me all the time. That night I decided it was time to have it out with Billy as I couldn’t stand the tension, I wanted to grab him and knock some sense into that pretty little head of his and I knew that was bad. I was trying to show Billy that I’d changed and was no longer a dick, I could respect him and treat him right if that was what he wanted. It was evening and I decided to go for it, so I waited until Billy came and sat down beside me on the couch.
“Billy, we need to talk.”
“Yeah I know.”
“So, you know, yet you never thought to mention anything to me.”
“Don’t get all bitchy on me Joe, as it’s not like you.”
“No that’s you Billy, bitchy little fuck who whines all the time about everything. Well fuckin spit it out, Billy, whine and moan like you usually do.”
“Look, I’m sorry and never meant that, Billy.”
“Yeah right, you might not like what’s bothering me Joe… well more what I want to do.”
“I can’t do this, somethings not right and I can’t sort my head out with you so close, Joe.”
“What are you saying, Billiam?”
“I’m going back to LA, Joe.”
“Because it’s something I have to do.”
“Are you coming back, Billy?”
Suddenly I felt really sick and maybe I’d lost him after all, so much for giving him space and trying to be the perfect gentleman. Well if Billy left so would I, just maybe not in the conventional way though. I looked at Billy and knew he was thinking about the same thing, Billy didn’t trust me here alone in case I offed myself or something.
“Do you want me to come back, would you even be alive if I decided to come back, Joe?”
“Billy, I don’t know and I can’t be any fairer than that.”
“Well, I guess it makes a change you’re being honest for once.”
“Gee, Thanks, Billy.”
“Will you give me three months, Joe? I promise that I’ll make a decision by then.”
“What you’ll come back?”
“Yeah, I’ll come back and tell you my decision to yer face, I can’t do more than that, Joe”
“Billy, only come back if you want to stay. I couldn’t cope if you came back just to leave again.”
“Okay, Joe. Three months from today, I either come back or I don’t.”
“So, when will you go?”
“Tomorrow, I’ll have to go pawn my old guitar and some other stuff first thing in the morning.”
“I’ll give you the money, Billy.”
“I’ll pay you back when I start playing again.”
“Forget it Billy, it was what my parents left anyway.”
“Joe, why did you struggle when you had money?”
“It didn’t seem right spending it all on drugs, plus I liked playing all the local gigs and it felt like the old times.”
We talked a while longer then Billy went out to the van to grab his stuff, then he returned and I gave him enough money to keep him going until he made some money. Then it was time to say goodnight and I was afraid I’d never see him again; I couldn’t miss the bags and the guitar all ready to leave along with the man I loved so much.
That night I tossed and turned in bed, all the moving was making my shoulder hurt even more and it would take longer to heal. I wanted to be well so I could sing again up on the stage if Billy did decide to come back, I would keep my word and make sure we sorted some gigs and even make a new record. Not that it mattered right now, the pain was getting worse and taking some pills was the only way I’d get any sleep. So, in the end I got up and went to get a glass of water, that was when I noticed the couch empty and all of Billy’s stuff had gone too.
I didn’t really run out on Joe or anything like that, I guess I was just no good at the long uncomfortable goodbyes. Also, I knew there was a chance that one day I might come back to Joe and things would be okay, it was far too soon to promise myself anything though and only time would tell. Last time I’d coped five years without Joe in my life, yeah five years that I’d tried to forget about him and hadn’t succeeded.
Yeah well last time I knew that he was somewhere back in Canada, well I suppose it would be just the same this time and Joe would still be out there waiting. Well that was unless I decided not to come back, then what would happen to Joe. He’d asked about the gun and what had happened to it, I just played ignorant despite knowing that the police took it with them. Not that it mattered one way or the other when it came to Joe, the man would find a way to top himself if that was what he really wanted.
For now, I had to concentrate on Jenifur and I was hoping they weren’t too pissed with me, I knew I was supposed to come back straight after the Edmonton gig and start practicing with them. Hell, it wasn’t even like I’d called them to explain why I wasn’t on a flight back, well I suppose it was better late than never and I’d have to take things as they came.
I arrived back in LA and found myself a room for the night, five years and I still hadn’t found anywhere permanent to live in this city. Everything was so expensive and I just ended up going from room to room, some cheap flea bag motel as that was all I could afford. Some nights I would crash with the other band members after a gig, those were the nights I wished that it was Joe with me as we’d had some good times. Then there were nights were I just slept on the couch in the place we’d used to practice, so I guess I’d not achieved much in the five years I were away from Joe.
Fans see you as some hot shot guitarist, when in reality I’m just scrapping by and are perhaps far worse off than all of them. Well, I guess my room told me what I was really worth, as it was another filthy pit and I begrudgingly lay down on the bed to get some sleep. My mind thought back to Joe and how he would wake up and find me gone, and what if he thought I had just walked out on him once more. Shit I was a fuckin idiot, what if he thought I wasn’t coming back and did something stupid.
I knew there was nothing I could do tonight and I’d have to call in the morning and hope he was okay, I needed Joe and deep down I knew I couldn’t live without him. Five years and I ended up right back where I started, I still had nothing and I still wanted Joe. Not a lot had changed over the years at all, yet I knew I wasn’t being fair on myself either right now, I’d only been back five minutes and that wasn’t enough time to start planning my future.
I would sleep and then contact the band; this was something that I had to do for myself and for Joe. Life with Joe could be hard enough at times, I didn’t want to rush back and then regret that I never even tried here without him. Also, I would blame him if I couldn’t live with the choices I’d made. Well, it was Joe who’d made me go back after five years despite all I’d said about not returning.
I think I finally fell asleep out of boredom more than anything else, as it damn well wasn’t the uncomfortable bed or the scenery. I contacted the band and they told me to meet them and we could practice, so at least I knew they still wanted me back and all was good there. First, I took a long shower and tried to make myself look presentable, then I finally arrived and as I entered everyone became rather quiet.
It seemed as if something was going on and as usual, I was the last one to know about it. Then Trevor was talking to the others and he started to get worked up over something, and he wasn’t bothered how loud he became as he didn’t agree with their opinion. I was just about to ask what the hell was going on, then to my surprise Trever came over and sat down beside me.
“Are you okay, Billy, we heard about the fight in Edmonton?”
“I’m good, plus all the cuts will be long gone before we tour. Is there something going on here that I should know about, Trevor?”
“They don’t like what happened when you went back to Canada, it follows you Billy and it’s bad for the band and the rest of us.”
“Shit, you make it sound like I asked for it and wanted it to happen. Look, just tell me to go if it’s what you all want?”
“Billy, you’re good at what you do, you’re also very good looking and have lots of sex appeal and the fans love you.”
“So, why all this shit then?”
“They just want you to learn your place, Billy.”
“And where exactly would that be, Trevor?”
“You’re a stand in and nothing more unless Earl drops out for good.”
“Shit, I might as well just leave now if that’s how you all feel about me.”
“Don’t, Billy, maybe if you try to fit in, they will be okay.”
“So, what are you suggesting?”
“We’re having a party tonight and I want you to be there.”
Great, I was gone for a few weeks and they act like it’s some big deal, well I suppose at the end of the day I only filled a gap for them and I was the desperate one here. So okay, I would go to this stupid party and blend in so we could be one big happy family. Shit and to think I’d once thought that I was the fucked up one along with Joe, well if nothing this party might be some fun and a real eye opener.
The days were hard and I missed Billy so much, I had to wonder how the hell I’d ever survived five years without him. Well, I had learnt one thing over the last week or so, and that was that if he didn’t come back, my life would be officially over. I tried so hard to keep my mind occupied without any luck at all, it didn’t help as I had nothing to do and no one at all to talk to. My shoulder was healing fast and I hardly even noticed it anymore, and at least it meant I could go down in the basement and play the guitar now and again.
I hadn’t even left the house in two weeks, hell I hadn’t even bothered getting dressed in two weeks either as the days just blended together. I would have to find something to do or go mad, that was when I remembered about the gig I’d tried to organize back in Edmonton. This was something I could do and it might make Billy take me more seriously, I could prove to him that I wanted the band back together and for him to stay here with me.
So that was what I spent the whole of the following week doing, I managed to get hold of John and Pipe and talked them into it and it was fuckin hard. How the hell do you convince them that Billy will be coming back in a about nine weeks, and yes, I’m counting the week down here. It’s just the last time they saw us together was in Edmonton, we’d had a fight and then both of us had just disappeared. I guess John was skeptical when it came to Billy, especially as he’d made his feelings clear.
Finally, all my hard work paid off and they both agreed to do it if Billy returned, well it wasn’t like I’d be willing to do it without him. So, I’d arranged for us to do a tour with half a dozen gigs, and I’d even managed to get a record deal and that was something big for us as a band. Now all I needed was for Billy to give up on Hollywood and come back to me, it had crossed my mind how I’d look and what people would say if he was a no show. Then I weighed up everything and realized it didn’t matter what they thought, because without Billy I wouldn’t even be here to worry about any of that crap.
I managed another few days and knew I had to get out of here or go mad, maybe I’d take a trip up to the club and see what bands were playing there. It’s not like there was a reason to stay in the house, and I was sure Billy would be having some fun wherever he was now. The music turned out to be good and I was glad to be around people and feel somewhat normal, and then the drink started to kick in along with the depression. I knocked back a few more drinks and then decided to get the hell out of here, the drink was no longer having the desired effect and I needed something else. I guess it didn’t help when I knew exactly where to find what I wanted, that’s what happens when you live local and your only god is the local drug dealer.
I walked. Or should I say staggered down a few streets until I found a small house that looked abandoned. At first, I received no answer and had to wonder if they’d moved or the local cops had driven them out, and then the door opened. It was like going back a few years and I knew there was no going back either, within minutes I had enough coke for a few trips and was on my way back home.
I arrived home and my head was starting to clear now and that meant one thing, I knew what I was about to do and I couldn’t blame it on the booze. Even more so when I went down into the basement and everything screamed Billy, yeah and so many times in the past we’d sat down here doing cocaine and weed.
The coke was a sudden rush and it took away all the depression which was what I wanted, I sat on the couch with my head against the back as I thought about Billy. God how I wanted him here with me right now, for things to be good like they were many years ago when we were still young. I could see myself once more as I stood in the middle of the room, Billy on his knees so young and willing to please me. In the end I sat there and jerked off to images of Billy and a time when he was still mine, it wasn’t hard to let go thinking of his young lean body and that talented mouth doing what it did best.
I woke the next day and I knew I was an idiot, I also vowed that it would never happen again. I’d made a mistake and Billy would never forgive me for this. Then I figured everything would work out okay, I still had eight weeks before Billy might return and that was plenty enough. I would use up the drugs and then get myself clean before he returned, hopefully that way Billy would stay and not see me as a total dick. I didn’t deserve Billy and I’d messed his life up so much and that was why I had to do this, it would be better this time as we’d have each other and a band too.
Then I started to really think about Billy and the things he really wanted, maybe I was an idiot to think he would want to come back here and back to me. Billy was going places now and living the high life, maybe I could just carry on taking the drugs and keep it as my little secret just in case I ended up all alone in a couple of months’ time.
I’d tried phoning Joe three times now without any luck, well I would have to accept that I’m not his keeper and he’s free to come and go whenever he wants, I suppose. I guess I just wanted to hear his voice and know that he was doing okay there alone, also I knew I was nervous about another stupid fuckin party I had to attend too. I missed Joe and sometimes wonder how the hell I coped for nearly five years without him, and to think this separation had only been for a few weeks.
I showered and changed into some clean clothes before leaving the motel room, I then ordered a cab to take me to the house where they were having the party at. Straight away I felt lost and I knew I didn’t really fit in, most of the people here were younger than me to start with and now I felt somewhat old. I’d also noticed Trevor watching every move that I made and that wasn’t doing much for my mood, shit did he want me to fit in or not.
The drink was flowing and everyone kept handing me one drink after another, and at this rate I’d be drunk within the hour. I guess the only trouble was needing the bathroom so much, drink did that to me and the only bathroom was upstairs. I reached the landing and ran straight into Trevor as he was going into the bathroom, it was okay though a he told me the bedroom had a bathroom joined on. Normally I would just wait, but my bladder was screaming at me and I already felt drunk too
I never thought anymore about it, one bathroom was as good as another when you needed to take a piss and was drunk. I had to wonder who actually owned the house though, as whoever it was, they had plenty of money. There in the bedroom stood a massive four poster bed in solid mahogany, well I guess I could dream of having fame and money one day.
I used the bathroom and went back into the bedroom to re-join the party; I was even contemplating leaving as I were becoming disoriented and rather out of it. Then I’d no sooner entered the bedroom when someone grabbed me and shoved me face down on the bed, shit then I really started to panic when they cuffed my hands above my head to the fuckin bed frame.
“Get the fuck of me…”
“Come on Billy, ya know you want this.”
“Like fuck I do, just get the fuck off me Trevor and let me go.”
“No can do, Billy. Maybe I might after I’ve had some fun with you.”
I lay there breathing heavy and I couldn’t even fuckin think straight, I’d done plenty of booze in the past to know this was different. Shit that was when I realized he must have drugged me, and then I also realized he’d moved from the bed and was locking the bedroom door too. I figured it must be a joke and maybe I could talk to him, as there was no point screaming when the music was so fuckin loud. Not that it mattered though, Trevor opened a draw and shoved something in my mouth silencing me.
“Don’t fight me Billy, if you piss me off and this will really hurt.”
I couldn’t even fuckin answer him, yet no way was I going to just lay here and take it from him. So, I did the only thing I could do, I pulled my leg up and then kicked out as he lent over me. I had no idea where my foot impacted but he moaned out in pain, then he slapped me hard across the head. That was all he had needed to get the upper hand, as soon as I was dazed, he moved and started pulling my jeans down along with my underwear.
“You will pay for that, Billy.”
Oh my god, the pain across my backside was total fuckin agony and I had no way of escaping what he was doing to me. My brain had soon registered that it was a belt he was using, and he wasn’t holding back as he hit me with it.
“Ten of the best, Billy. It’s time you learnt your place around here.”
Nine more and I was sobbing like a fuckin baby, each one was more painful than the previous one and it had to end, that or I’d go insane. Especially as he even used it across the tops of my thighs too, and then he pulled my top up and put a couple across my back for good measure, I couldn’t figure out why he was doing this or how he expected to get away with it either. Then finally he threw the belt on the floor and I thought the pain was finally over, turns out I was wrong and things were going to get far worse. Trevor took great pleasure grabbing and squeezing my ass, then without any warning he shoved a couple of fingers deep inside me.
Trevor was far from gentle as he forced them even deeper, then they were gone only to be replaced with even more. I tried so hard to move away from the offending objects and all he did was laugh, then just as quick it was over and his fingers were gone and I could breathe once more.
“You’re such a slut, Billy. God just watching you as you fuck yourself on my fingers, you want the real thing though don’t you Billy, well believe me I’m gonna fuck you like you’ve never been fucked before.”
Trevor was true to his word and he fucked me hard, pounding into me and rubbing against the marks from the belt. I wanted to scream and I wanted to cry, so in the end I just cried as the gag silenced my screams. He showed me no leniency at all and I just wanted it all to end so I could leave, then finally I felt him tense up and suddenly pull out of me. Yeah, the bastard wouldn’t want to leave any DNA behind would he, and it wasn’t like I had any witnesses or anything either.
Then the bastard casually got up and dressed before removing the cuffs, not that I could fight him or do anything as my whole body was in agony. I think I also wanted him to leave first anyway, that way I could get dressed and sort myself out. The huge mirror soon showed me the state of my body and just what he’d done to me, I had deep welts on my back and ass, also there were deep imprints from his fingers on my hips too. Well, I could deal with all that later as all I wanted was to get out of here, I guess that was when I realized how much I was really needed around here.
I walked downstairs and it was obvious that I was in a great deal of pain, yet not one person spoke to me or asked me if I were okay. So, I returned to the motel and showered for over an hour, I guess I just wanted his sweat and dirt off my body so I’d feel clean again. God, and I’d always thought that Joe was violent and had used me in the past, Joe was Joe though and never pretended to be anyone different, what you see is what you get. Trevor was totally different; he was always so polite and no way had I seen that one coming.
Soon I re dressed and then I packed my bags and took a cab to the airport, thankfully I still had some of the money left that Joe had lent me back in Canada. Sitting down on the plane wasn’t easy and my whole body was on fire with the pain, yet it was worth the pain just to return back to Joe where I belonged.
I’d started spending most of my life in one or two places and that was it, I was either at my local drug dealers or in the basement getting as high as a kite. I guess I just wanted to lose myself and forget about everything, and I still had a couple of months to fill before the tour and the record deal. I was even so far gone and hadn’t even heard anyone enter the house, and I only realized I was no longer alone when Billy stood there right in front of me.
“Fuck you, Joe, I see you wasted no time going back to your old ways.”
“Chill, Billy. I’ve got plenty of time to sort it and it’s no big deal, and you’re not even supposed to be here.”
“Yeah, well things change, shit I need you, Joe…”
“Talk to me, Billy. Come on as you look worse than I do and that’s fuckin sayin something.”
“Shit, I don’t know where to start, Joe…”
“Come on Bill, ya know you can tell me anything at all.”
I managed to get myself up off the couch and then stood there watching him, Billy was really different and nothing like his normal self. I admit that he could be bitchy at times and could moan about everything, yet this time he wasn’t moaning and that was when I realized something was really off here. I even took a step near him so I could hold him in my arms, then he suddenly took a couple of steps away from me.
“Don’t touch me, Joe…”
“What the hell, Bill!”
“I have to tell you first, or maybe I should just show you.”
“You’re freaking me out here, Billy.”
“Joe, just sit, please.”
I sat back down on the couch and watched as Billy removed his jacket, I also couldn’t help but notice his movements and it was as if he were in severe pain. Also, Billy was keeping his eyes downcast and refusing to even look me in the face now. Then his movements became even slower as he pulled the tee shirt above his head and off, at any other time I would love this and be up for the show Billy was putting on. Yet I knew this was no show, especially when Billy turned away from me and now just his back was facing me.
“What the fuck, who the fuck did this to you, Billy?”
“It doesn’t matter, Joe.”
“Of course, it fuckin matters…”
“Joe, please just let me finish while I can still do this.”
“What do you mean Bill?”
Billy remained right where he was with his back facing me, and then I watched as he slowly unfastened his jeans and they fell down his skinny legs. Then he also pulled down his boxers and I really wanted to kill some fucker, there were welts on his backside and plenty of bruises too. I was still somewhat out of it from the drugs, not that it stopped reality from suddenly kicking me full on in the teeth. This wasn’t just some attack, oh fuck no I didn’t want to think of someone doing something like that to Billy, my Billy.
“Billy, turn around.”
Billy finally turned around and I held my arms wide open, at first, he looked so unsure and I felt like I was the one that had hurt him and not someone else. Someone who I swear will suffer for this, one way or another I’ll get the name from Billy. Then Billy moved and was suddenly in my arms and holding on to me tight, I felt like a complete bastard asking but I had to be sure that I knew everything.
“Billy, did he rape you?”
One word was all Billy managed to get out, then he was sobbing and I knew he would need me more than he ever had before. Billy was my soulmate and my best friend, for him I could be a man for a fuckin change and help him through this. Finally, I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the stairs, then I realized Billy might freak out if he thought I wanted to go to bed with him.
“Billy, go get some sleep as you need it.”
“Yeah, I guess, are you coming with me, Joe?”
“Do you want me to?”
“Yeah, I don’t want to be alone and I didn’t come all the way here for you to keep your distance.”
“Yeah, I get that, Billy.”
Billy got into the bed and I soon followed, yet for some reason having a naked Billy in bed made me want to keep my clothes on. Yeah right, deep down I was scared of hurting him or him getting the wrong idea here. Not that it mattered, as within five minutes he was out for the count and I could finally relax where I lay. Then my mind got the better of me and I pulled the sheet back to look at his body, normally I’d have seen his body and want to fuck the man senseless. This was not the case though, I wanted to take a closer look at what someone could do to him without him freaking out on me.
It still annoyed me that Billy wouldn’t tell me who did it to him, also I still had no idea whether he was here to stay for good. There were so many questions buzzing around inside my own fucked up head, yet everyone seemed to lack answers. Well, tomorrow was another day and maybe I could get Billy to open up to me as I was too tired to think now. I started drifting into a peaceful sleep when the screams shattered the silence, and I realized Billy was having a full blown nightmare. I figured holding him might help, however suddenly he started talking and I was compelled to listen.
“Please don’t do this to me…oh fuck it hurts so much and I want you to stop. Trevor please don’t hurt me…”
I couldn’t take it anymore so I pulled Billy into my arms and held him tight, just hearing him beg and plead like that was totally fucking destroying me. I’d always thought he was tougher than this and now he wasn’t, someone had turned my gorgeous Billy into this fragile man that was falling apart inside. Yeah, someone who now had a name too. Well, I would bide my time and then I’d make this Trevor wish the fuck he’d never been born.
I woke many more nights to come, each time the nightmare would be about what happened to me at that party. And yeah, I mainly took it out on Joe as he was the only one here that I could vent my anger on. Things pissed me off though as Joe just took it all in his fuckin stride. I guess I wanted someone to pay for what had happened to me that night, and I also wanted someone to pay for my fucked up life too.
Joe kept his word and within weeks we played a couple of gigs and things were good, we even went back into the studio and started working on some new material. In a way I had everything I’d ever wanted in life; we were going somewhere and this time Joe hadn’t managed to fuck anything up. Okay, it was Joe that was the problem and he’d changed his outlook towards the band and me. I loved the fact that we had the fame now, I just didn’t like the way this new Joe was around me.
Hell, we never even touched each other in a sexual way and hadn’t since I returned. It was as if Joe was afraid to touch me in case I fell apart, well that or he thought that I was dirty now. It was hard to read Joe and he could be one hell of a stubborn bastard at times. Then we had the album done and nothing had changed between us, and that was why I decided tonight was the night to confront him and find out what the hell Joe’s problem really was.
Night came and all my plans went straight out of the window, we’d played a gig at a local bar and then afterwards we propped up that very same bar. I was so drunk and could barely stand without Joe’s help, so he called us a cab and we both went back to the house and stumbled up the stairs towards the bedroom. I was starting to think Joe might actually touch me without me saying anything, then he just dropped me down on the bed and whispered something into my ear.
“I’ll be back in the morning, Billiam.”
“What the fuck, shit where the fuck are you going, Joe.”
Joe walked out without even answering me, and I was far too pissed to even get up off the bed. All I could do was close my eyes and hope that morning came around real fast. Yeah, it came fast and so did the fuckin pounding headache, so I staggered into the kitchen and found some meds, shit then I walked into the room and nearly shit myself. There sat on the couch was Joe, worse was the way he was just sat there staring at the wall.
“Shit is that all you have to say?”
“Get off my back Billy, and stop acting like some fuckin needy little bitch.”
“Fuck you, Joe.”
I stormed back out and flopped down onto one of the kitchen chairs, every time I thought things were good, he’d fuck me over. Joe would pull the rug from under my feet and I’d be right back at the start, well fuck him and fuck staying here. I loved him, but deep down I couldn’t deal with him ignoring me and treating me like shit. Yeah, I’d pack my bags and get the hell outta dodge, then the phone rang just as I stood up. I let it ring and Joe didn’t even bother to answer it, despite most people that called here wanted to talk to him and not me. The ringing was starting to piss me off and make my head ache even more, so I snatched up the handset and growled hello into the thing.
“Not now, Pipe.”
“You okay man, I just wanted to know if you’d heard about Jenifur.”
“No, what about them?”
“They’ve cancelled the rest of their tour for this year.”
“Their one man short.”
“Yeah well, I ain’t goin back so don’t worry, who was it anyway?”
“Oh shit, do you know what happened to him?”
“Some blokes wearing masks kicked the shit outta him, broke a couple of his ribs and put him in hospital. Even his fingers man, so he won’t be playing for some time now, if ever.”
“Okay, I’ll be sure to let Joe know, well that’s if he doesn’t already know.”
I hung up the phone and then just sat there for a few minutes. I was pissed with all of this and I was pissed with Joe too. Maybe it was a mistake going to talk to him while I was this angry, yet I was moving and going into the room on auto pilot. I had no idea what to even say to him as everything fit and he couldn’t deny it, then I just saw him still sat there and the words flew out of my mouth
“What the fuck did you do, Joe?”
“Whatcha talking about, Billy.”
“Don’t give me that crap, you could have got caught, hell even go to fuckin prison and then where would we be?”
“I would have thought that would make you happy, Bill, then you wouldn’t have to push me away or pretend I didn’t even exist.”
“What the fuck, just who the hell do you think you are, Joe.”
“Who do I think I am, well I thought I was your best friend, Billy? The one that stood by you and would do anything for you. Hell, I’d even go to prison for you, Billy, or maybe take a bullet.”
“I also thought I was your fuckin lover too, well until you pushed me away.”
“It was you, you pushed me away, Joe.”
“I would never do that to you, Billy, and you should know that.”
I sat there and ran everything through my head, all the times we’d been together and what had happened, Oh fuck, that was when I realized he was telling the truth, it was all me and I’d blocked it all out and blamed him. Every time I’d pushed him away and told him to leave me alone, I was the one that had driven him to go out there and do what he did.
“I’m so sorry, Joe.”
“I don’t want apologies, Billy. I just want my lover back and for us to have the life we deserve.”
“I want my lover and best friend back too, Joe. Will you come to bed with me, please Joe?”
“How can I refuse an offer like that, Billy boy.”
I held my hand out towards Joe and the touch was electric as he held it, I then pulled him up and led him towards the bedroom that we now shared. It was time for me to prove how much Joe meant to me, as he’d proved many times over the years that I was his and he’d do anything for me.
Who The Hell Do You Think You Are