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Chapter Text

Ned: Will you marry me?

Robert: Yes! Perfect! And then she says yes, you’re engaged, you pop the champagne, drink a toast, have sex on the kitchen floor.
(THINKS) Don’t have sex on our kitchen floor.

Ned: Got it. Thanks for helping me plan this out, Robert.

Robert: Dude, it’s you and Cat! I’ve been there for all the big moments of you and Cat. The night you met, your first date...other first things.

Ned (blushes): I’m sorry. We thought you were asleep.

Robert: It’s physics, Neddy. If the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves too.

Chapter Text

Jon and Ygritte climb into a taxi. Ygritte has a black eye.

Jon: I'm sorry, Ygritte. I'm so sorry.
(To driver) Take us to the hospital.

Cabdriver: Whoa, whoa, whoa-did you hit her?

Ygritte(Laughter): Hit me? Please, this guy could barely even spank me in bed for fun.
He's all like, (makes a light slap movement) "Oh, did that hurt?" and I'm like, "Come on, let me have it you pansy!" (realizes) Wow, complete stranger.

Cabdriver: no, no, no, no-it's okay, go on. So these, spankin's...you in pajamas or going "naturelle"

Chapter Text

Robb: So? Did you kiss her?

Jon: No. The moment wasn't right. (They sigh) Look, this woman could be my future wife, I want our first kiss to be amazing.

Margaery: Aww, Jon that's so sweet. So you chickened out like the little bitch.

Jon: What? I did not chicken out! You know what? I don't need to take first kiss advice from some pirate who hasn't been single since the first week of college.

Margaery: Jon, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing. Even the dumbest single person alive, and if you don't believe me...call him. (Calls Theon) (Theon's playing laser tag on the other end of the line)

Theon: (Phone) Hey loser, how's not playing laser tag? Because playing laser tag is awesome!
Oh, I killed you Tommen; don't make me get your mom!

Jon: Hey, listen. I need your opinion on something.

Theon: Okay, meet me at the bar in fifteen minutes-AND SUIT UP!
[Slides to Bar Scene]
(Margery, Jon, Theon and Robb sitting at a table)

Jon: So these guys think I chickened out. What do you think?

Theon: I can't believe you're still not wearing a SUIT!

Jon: She didn't even give me the signal.

Theon: What is she gonna-is she gonna bat her eyes at you in Morse code (bats eyes)?? Jon (bats eyes) Kiss me-No, you just kiss her!

Jon: Not if you don't get the signal.

Theon: Ee-(Leans over and kisses Robb) Did Robb give me the signal?

Robb: No! (To Margery) I didn't, I swear.

Theon: But see-at least, tonight, I get to sleep knowing, Robb and Me... never going to happen. You should've kissed her.

Chapter Text

Rhaegar: I got it! I don't ask her out... I invite her to our party next Friday.

Arthur: We're having a party next Friday?

Rheagar: We are now-Casual

Ashara: Yeah, cuz nothing says "Casual" like inviting a hundred people over just to "Mac" on one girl. Oh, and Elia-that's my leg.

Elia: You waited five minutes to tell me that?

Arthur: Alright-so call her up!

Rhaegar: No-calling's not casual! I just gotta bump into her somewhere. If only I knew her schedule I could arrange a "chance" encounter.

Elia: That's great, Rheagar. You'll be the most "Casual" stalker ever.

Chapter Text

Old Robert: Now ever since Ned put that ring on her finger, Cat had been...well... extra affectionate.

Ned: My love, no. I have a twenty-five paged paper on unconstitutional law due on Monday, I barely started,

Cat: Hey, I'm just sitting here. Wearing my ring... my beautiful ring. Kind of makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like my shirt. Kind of don't wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or... my underwear. Oh-that's right-I'm not wearing any.

Ned: (Closes laptop screen) No underwear?

Cat: Not slightly. (Scene widens to show Brandon is on the couch listening)

Brandon: Guys, boundaries!

(Cat and Ned blushing furiously)

Chapter Text

(Ned and Cat in bed after s*x)

(Phone rings, Ned answers)

Ned: Hello?

 

Brandon: (on Phone) Hey, am I interrupting anything? (Holding party mixes)

Ned: No, no I'm just writing my paper. Hitting the books.

Brandon: (on Phone) Yeah, well you and Cat might wanna put some clothes on.
We're throwing a party in two hours. Okay, bye (hangs up)

Chapter Text

Theon: Thanks, Dad... Why is everyone staring at me?

Sandor: You just called Captain Stark dad; you said thanks, dad.

Theon: What? No, I didn't. I said thanks, man.

Ned: Do you see me as a father figure, Greyjoy?

Theon: No, if anything, I see you as a bother figure, 'cause you're always bothering me.

Jeor: Hey! You show your father some respect!

Chapter Text

Shireen: You’re not exactly the king of mature relationships.

Rickon: Fair enough. But I would argue that I’m like a beautiful angel of love who has trouble finding love for himself.
Admit that you would see that movie!

Shireen: I would

Chapter Text

Cersei: Can I just say that we don’t have a clique problem at this school?
And some of us shouldn’t have to take this workshop, because some of us are just victims in this situation?

Olenna Tyrell: That’s probably true.
How many of you have ever felt personally victimized by Cersei Lannister?

Everybody raises hands

Chapter Text

Loras: Ok, how about this? If you guys die, and the crazy plate lady dies then do I get the baby?

Sandor: No, if crazy plate lady dies...if Sansa dies then I would get Little Ned, right?

Margaery: Well, actually…

Sandor: Actually, what?

Robb: It’s just that in that case then Ned would go to Jon.

Sandor: What?

Loras: (To Sandor) Hurts, doesn't it?

Rickon: Who has to die for me to get him.

Chapter Text

Sansa: Well, I made this friendship bracelet for you.

Theon: You know I’m not really a jewelry person.

Sansa: You don’t have to wear it.

Theon: No, I’m gonna wear it forever. Back off.

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Brandon: Benjen, you’re getting older now, you’re gonna have to start acting your own age.

Lyanna, sprinting by: THE FLOOR IS LAVA!

Brandon: *on top of the refrigerator* HAHA YOU LOSE BEN

Benjen: I just-

Ned: *on the couch reading a book*
Nop Benjen those are the rules. You lose.

Chapter Text

Brandon: Benjen, you’re getting older now, you’re gonna have to start acting your own age.

Lyanna, sprinting by: THE FLOOR IS LAVA!

Brandon: *on top of the refrigerator* HAHA YOU LOSE BEN

Benjen: I just-

Ned: *on the couch reading a book*
Nop Benjen those are the rules. You lose.

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Ned: My daughters are pure innocent small rays of sunshine that must be protected at all times.

Ned: Except for Arya, Arya needs no protection.

Ned: She is ruthless, she will destroy you.

Ned: She will burn everything you love and innocently and sweetly smile down at you while your life falls to pieces around your kneeling form.

Ned: …

Ned: but Sansa is pure and innocent, truly the sweetest kid in Westeros.

Chapter Text

How Ned's execution should have gone

Joffrey: Bring me his head.

Ned: Hold on, let me ask Cat

Joffrey: It’s not a choic…

Ned: She said no

Chapter Text

(Cab pulls up right beside Podrick. Tyrion's head pops out of the window.)

Tyrion: Get in the cab. Jaime you too.

Jaime: Oh, I wish I could... I think Brienne and I are just goi...

Tyrion: I understand. (To Podrick) Get in the cab.

Podrick: Why can Jaime say no?

Tyrion: Uhh... because he's getting laid.

Jaime: Consistently.

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Elia: I'm so glad we finally get to hang out just the two of us!

Ashara: Yeah.

Elia: You sure you're okay giving up your Friday night to hang with an old almost-married lady?

Ashara: Oh please, I'm so sick of the "meet-market" scene. Guys are like a subway. You miss one, another one comes along in five minutes.

Elia: Unless it's the end of the night, then you get on anything.

Ashara: Heyow!

Chapter Text

Sansa: Ooh, look, a booth opened up.

Margaery: Really.

Sansa: Yeah, I thought we could finally go talk, and you're not listening to me, so I'm going to walk away. (notices Margaery is busy staring at a stranger)

Margaery: Yeah, yeah...booth (throws purse to Sansa, spots a man. Sansa leaves to go to the booth. Man walks up to Margaery.)

Renly: Hey.

Margaery: (Smiling) Hey. (Silence) I'm engaged, sorry. (Puts ring on) I took my ring off! It's very, very sweet of you to come over and talk to me, but I... just...

Renly: Yeah, I'm gay. Just came over to let you know that you sat on a grape. (Margaery peels squashed grape off her dress)

Margaery: Oh, damn it! (Takes ring off and places it in her pocket, upset)

Sansa: (On Phone) Maraery's phone.

Robb: (On Phone) Sans! Uh... Where's Marge?

Margaery: (On Phone) She's uh...

Robb: (On Phone) Is she talking to some hot guy? Oh, you can tell me. It's totally cool. It was my idea! Hell, I told her she could take the ring off.

Sansa: (On Phone) Really? Well I thought it was kinda weird, but if you're cool with it. Yeah. It's off and she's talking to some guy. Do you want me to go over and...

Robb: (On Phone) No! Don't interrupt, it's awesome. So the ring is really off, huh? (Realizing what he's done) It's awesome... Well just tell her I called and... tell her that... she's awesome. (Hangs up. Sings dryly) Really, really awesome. Our relationship is built on mutual trust. (Dryly) I can't breathe!

Renly: I'll get some Club Soda for that stain. (Leaves)

Sansa: (enters) Margaery, I thought tonight was about us hanging out, what are you doing?

Margaery: Just fending up the advances of that totally hot guy.

Sansa: Dude, I think that guy is gay.

Margaery: (Gives in) Oh, I know that guy is gay. Just Robb and I have been together for nine years. I haven't been single since high school.

Sansa: You wanna be single? (Laughs) You wanna fight off loser guys all night, does that seem like fun to you?

Margaery: I guess I wanted to throw this net back into the ocean and see how many fish I could catch. So far, one. One gay dolphin. (Smiles)

Sansa: And Robb. Marge, all these girls here tonight are looking to catch what you've already got.

Margaery: You're right I know. Hey do you wanna get some coffee and have an actual conversation?

Sansa: If, by "Coffee" you mean "Cheesecake", then yes.

Renly: (enters) Hey, I got that Club Soda. Let's see that booty. (Margaery bends over for him to clean the stain, Robb walks in)

Margaery: Oh, thank you so much.

Robb (infuriated): You wanna mess pal? That's my fiancé's hot backside that you're dabbing.

Margaery: Robb, no.

Robb: Baby, please don't ever take that ring off again. No matter how awesome I say that it is.

Renly: It's okay, man...

Robb: BACK OFF HOMBRE. I'm not that afraid to fight you. You wanna test this guy? Be my guest!

Margaery: Marshall, he's gay!

Robb: Oh, thank god... I've never been in a fight before. (hugs him)
Renly: You don't say!

(Scene Freezes)

Narrator: So it turns out Uncle Robb really was the jealous type. Unfortunately, that guys boyfriend... also the jealous type.

(Scene Unfreezes)

(Loras pulls Robb off Renly and punches him, Robb rops him on the floor)

Margaery, Sansa: Hey!

Chapter Text

Robb caught Theon and Sansa in a very compromising position

Robb(Yelling): I can’t believe this!! My BEST FRIEND and my sister!

Theon: I love her.

Sansa: I love him too!

Robb (now really happy): My best friend and my sister.

Bid hug occurs

Chapter Text

Shortly after Myrcella was born. At Myrcellas crib.

Tywin: Look at her, my first grandchild.

Cersei: What about Joffrey?!

Tywin: Well of course Joffrey, I meant my first granddaughter.

Tywin makes a face towards Jamie behind Cersei's back.

Chapter Text

Sansa: That's not a bad idea. Let's think, Jon's greatest hits... what about that guy, Satin?

Jon: Satin...

[Flashback to Dinner with Satin]

Satin: Okay, back when I lived in LA, I was pretty broke, so I spent a month making adult films.

Jon: Wow, okay... how many did you make?

Satin: A-hundred-and-seventy-five.

[Flashback ends]

Sansa: Say what you will about the porn industry... they are hard workers.

Robb: What about that chick...um...Ygritte?

[Flashback to Dinner with Ygritte]

Jon: And my bathing suit had fallen completely off.

Ygritte: (laughs with Jon) I know the feeling, once... when I was sixteen, I was driving, and I hit this hitchhiker. Don't know what happened to him... just kept drivin'! (Laughs)
[Flashback ends]

Jon: Uh...no.

Chapter Text

Robert pointing towards Cat: What, so you go over there, you tell her she's cute. What's the worst that could happen?

 

Ned: She could here me!!

Chapter Text

Cat : Sweetheart. Oh sorry were late, my fault, I insisted on riding the tube.

Ned : (embarrassed) Cat, the kids..

Cat : Ned, that’s what they call the subway.

Ned : Ohh, I thought that you....

Robb and Arya : Dad, dad. We got it!! We Got It!!!

Jeyne : Ohh, here comes my dad and mom. Mister and Misses Stark, this is Gawen and Sybell Westerling.

Mr. Westerling : (Shaking everyone’s hand.) Hello. Hello. How do you do? How do you do? Very nice to meet you. (Looking over at his wife.) Darling it’s the Starks. (She pays no attention, she’s talking on a cellular phone.) (Louder) Darling, it’s the Starks. (She’s still not responding.) She’s very self-absorbed, you know. I should never have married her.

Mrs. Westerling : (Looking evilly at her husband) Sorry, what?

Mr. Westerling : It’s the Starks!

Mrs. Westerling : Where?

Mr. Westerling : Well there’s one (pointing towards Ned) and there’s another (pointing towards Cat).

Mrs. Westerling : Lovely to meet you.

Mr. Westerling : Terribly nice of you to offer to pay for half the wedding. (He hands a multipage bill to Ned.)

Ned : Ohh forget it. Too hell with tradition, we’re happy to do it.

 

[Camera pans to the Stark family table. Robb, Arya, Ned, and Cat are there.]

Ned : (Looking at the wedding bill.) What the hell!!!

Robb : What’s up, Dad?

Ned : This bill for my half of the wedding. It’s insane.

Cat : How could it be so much? The receptions at their house.

Ned : (Pointing items out on the bill.) Flowers, liquor, re carpet first floor. New guest bath, landscaping. I’m paying to remodel this guys house. (Angrily gets up.) I’m going to give that son of a bitch, a piece of my mind.

Robb : (Holding him back.)Dad, dad, please. Look I don’t want anything to upset Jeyne tonight. Alright, she’s had a hard enough couple of days as it is. (Picks up the bill.) Now here, here, let me go talk to him, okay?

Ned : And you tell him no one takes advantage of the Starks.

Cat : Ooh, Ned....(He looks over to her) Sometimes I forget how powerful you can be. (They embrace and kiss passionately.)

Arya : (Looking nauseous from her parents kissing.) And I’m going to go get drunk. (Gets up to get a drink.)

Robb is at the Westerling's table discussing the bill.

Robb : Look, face it, my father is not going to pay for the build-in barbecue and believe me you can kiss you gazebo goodbye. Now I might be able to get you the new lawn.

Mr. Westerling : Ahh, then you have to give us the lawn ornaments.

Robb : I go back there with lawn ornaments, he’s going to laugh in my face.

Mrs. Westerling : This is ridiculous. I mean we had an agreement. (Robb looks frustrated. She begins to scream at her husband.) Will you say something, Gawen?! Please!!!

Mr. Westerling : Don’t take that tone with me. (She looks evilly at him.) All-all right you can. (He looks over at Robb and shrugs.)

Later:

Cat : There’s nothing to discuss. We’re not paying for your wine cellar.

Mr. Westerling : (Pleading.) You-you have to meet me in the middle here.

Ned : (Forcefully.) Hey, you keep pushing me on this, my foot is going to meet the middle of your ass.

Robb : Dad!! (Jeyne comes running in.)

Jeyne : What-what’s going on?!

Robb : Nothing, nothing. Everything’s under control.

Mr. Westerling : You want a piece of me, sir? Is that what you're saying? (Pointing at Ned and poking him) You want a piece of me?

Robb : (Stepping in between them.) Okay! Okay! That’s it!! Parents!! Parents!! Back away!! All right, this is our wedding day! From now on everyone gets along, and if I hear one more word. NO GRANDCHILDREN! (Pointing at his mother.) That’s right!!

Ned : Okay, okay.

Mr. Westerling : Sorry old boy, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. (They all walk away. As he leaves he mutters to Ned.) I could kill you with my thumb, you know.

Chapter Text

Theon (texting): YARA IM REALLY DRUNK AND I FUCKED UP SOME HOT GUY WALKED INTO THE PARTY AND I YELLED DIPS

Robb (texting): SANSA I CAME THROUGH THE DOOR AT THE PARTY AND THEON YELLED DIPS, I DON'T THINK HE EVEN RECOGNIZED ME

Chapter Text

Arya: I have no parental figures telling me not to wrestle bears

Sansa: I'm that parental figure. DO NOT WRESTLE BEARS!!!

Chapter Text

Robert: Hey Cat, are you free on Friday? Like around 8pm?

Cat: Yes?

Robert: What about you Ned?

Ned: Yes, i am

Robert: Great, because i’m not. You two go out without me. Enjoy your date

Ned: Did she just-

Cat: Yes he did!

Chapter Text

Sansa: I brought reinforcements.

Theon: Great! You brought Robb?

Sansa: The next best thing.

Theon: You brought Jon? The next best thing would be Arya!

Jon: I would be offended, but Arya is freakishly strong, so….

Chapter Text

Lysa: We're Tullys we don't trust anyone to take care of our children outside of blood family. I barely trust Edmure with Robin

Edmure: And I'm offended but I get it

Ned: Oh come on! I know everything thing I need to know

Lysa: Oh you think you got it? Ok! Bed Time?

Ned: 6pm weekdays, 8pm weekend

Lysa: Blood type?Ned: O-negativEdmure: Wrong! Red!

Lysa: I got this Edmure! Tuna or Peanut butter sandwich?

Ned: Trick question he is allergic to both

Chapter Text

Theon: It's not gay if I wanna date Robb in like a buddy way, right?

Jon: I'm no expert but that sounds pretty gay.

Loras: I'm an expert, that's gay!

Chapter Text

Ned: Hey has anyone seen my top?

Robert: Yeah, Cat is in the kitchen.

Brandon: *spits out his drink*

Chapter Text

Sansa: Where did Theon go yesterday?

Arya: Robb decided it's time for him to see a therapist.

Sansa: Oh, how did that go?

Arya: Well the therapist is seeing a therapist now so…

Chapter Text

Ned: I'm a wolf! I don't back out of a fight! Cat, I will protect you from this beast!

(Ned Stark drunk at 2am trying to fight a cardboard cut-out of Simba that Rickon ordered online)

Chapter Text

Jon Arryn: Aside from adoption the only other choice is insemination, so... we're talking about sperm donors.

Robert: Enough said, I'm there for you man. Where is she, upstairs?

Jon Arryn: (stopping Robert) ah-ha!

Ned: How do you feel about all this?

Jon Arryn: I wish there was an easier way for us to have a child but I don't think there is one.

Robert: Come on Ned, be a good guy. Step up and do it!

Ned: (puzzled) What?

(Robert moves close to Ned and whispers something in his ear)

Ned: (looking astonished) What? NO! I am not going to give them Robb!

Chapter Text

Cat: Listen up everyone, big news!

Sansa: Oh please tell us your not having another baby

Cat: No, we're not having another baby and I can assure you we will never be making that announcement ever again

Sansa: Yeah this family is big enoughArya: Hey, you completely clear on that dad?

Ned: Why are you pointing your finger at me? Having babies is a team affordBran: What do you mean?

Arya: This should be good

Ned: Back to the big announcement, WE'RE GOING ON A FAMILY VACATION

Chapter Text

Cat: Arya, sweetie. Hi!

Arya: Mom, I said I'd meet you at the car. Ugh.

Lysa (hands Cat Edmures baby): Here

Cat: Thank you. Still wish you had a daughter?

Lysa: Robbin didn't want me at the game today.

Cat: Oh, I'm sorry.

Lysa: It's okay.

Cat: No, it's not okay. It sucks.

Lysa: I miss babies. They never tell you to go away. Or wait in the car.

Cat: I don't know about you, But I'm not gonna stand here and feel sorry for myself.

Lysa: You know what we should do?

Cat: Get pregnant.

Lysa: I was gonna say go for ice cream.

Cat: Okay, we'll do yours first.

Chapter Text

Arya cooking breakfast

Robb: Any chance that's for me?

Arya: It's for mom. I'm planning on making some bad choices tonight, and I need her on my side.

Sansa: I never realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.

Chapter Text

Bran: I am an expert at identifying birds 

Arya: Okay, what about those ones flying over there?

Bran: Yeah, those are definitely all birds

Chapter Text

Arya (On the phone): Just snap his kneecaps and he’ll talk. I’m at a parent teacher conference.

Arya (turns to teacher): Anyways, you said Steffon is enjoying finger painting. That’s great.

Chapter Text

Jamie: Okay, so are we fighting or are we flirting? Because I'm getting mixed signals here

Brienne: My hands are literally around your throat

Jamie: That doesn't answer my question

Chapter Text

Cat crying 

Ned: Who hurt you?

Cat: Do you want a list or what?

Ned, already sharpening his sword: Actually, yes.

Chapter Text

Ned: What are you doing?

Lyanna: Helping Brandon look for his box of candy that I ate an hour ago.

Chapter Text

Robb: I will never give up. I have a philosophy that tells me that no matter how bad things get, they will always turn out good in the end.

 

Theon: That's not a philosophy, that's stupidity.

Chapter Text

Cersei: Yeeted.

Jaime: Yote.

Cersei: Yetted.

Jaime: Tyrion, Can you please tell Cersei that it's yote.

Tyrion: I just want to know who threw Bran out the window.

Chapter Text

Loras: Don't start with the family stuff, like your family is so perfect! Your brother is a pervert!

Renly: Don't talk to me about the sexual habits of family members. What about your sister?

Loras: My sister has been through a lot!

Renly: Of Dick

Chapter Text

Tywin: So it turns out when you're asked, who your favorite child is? You're expected to pick from your own...

I know that now!

Chapter Text

Cat: Ooh! How was prom?

Sansa: So fun. Loras and I danced all night. Then we stayed after and helped clean up, which was awesome, because I got to meet next year's trig teacher.

Cat: That is not the prom I remember.

Arya (walks in): I have such a bad headache.

Cat: That's the prom I remember. (To Arya) Were you drinking?

Arya: Mom, do we really have to do this? You ask if I was drinking, I say “No” and we both know that that's not true. I mean, aren't we past this point in our relationship?

Cat: No, young lady, we are not.

Arya: Then I wasn't drinking.

Gendry: Me neither, Mrs. Stark

Cat: Dear God. Tell me he did not spend the night here.

Arya: Mom, do we really have to do this?

Chapter Text

Sansa: Are you in love with Robb?

Theon: *sweats* ... no

Sansa: Then why do you draw 'T+R' in hearts everywhere??

Theon: It stands for Terror and Regret

Chapter Text

Ned: What's a thot?

Theon: It's a thoughtful person

*later at the dinner table*

Cat: Here's the salt, love

Ned: Thanks Cat, you're such a thot!

Robb: *spits out water*

Chapter Text

Brandon: (about Cat) I can feel her undressing me with her eyes.

Robert: I don't know mate, she isn't laughing.

Chapter Text

Ned and Cat being hockey coaches

Cat: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!

Ned:* aggressively throws water bottles*

Renly: Uh...

Robb: They've trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.

Ned: WE APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!

Theon: *crying* It's working.

Chapter Text

Cat: Jamie and I have nothing in common!

Sansa: Well you have the same tast in romantic partners.

Cat: What are you talking about?

Sansa: Angrily brooding person that is taller but less attractive than you with a heart of gold. A person caring so much about honor that they want to believe everyone is honorable which can make them naive with a fierce loyalty to a Baratheon and they feel kind of out of place in their position in life.

Jaime: I don't think you can just generalize...

Cat: Yeah this is not the same, it's totally differe...

Sansa: Ok right sorry. It not like you both were in a relationship with a really pretty person first who has first born child syndrome, that thinks the world revolves around them and has problems with drinking, partying and sex with inappropriate people, who ultimately hates their live now and is unhappy with the choices they made, before realizing that that relationship wasn't healthy and ended it.

Chapter Text

Police officer: I'm pulling you over because you're trying to fit three people on a motorcycle.

Arya with Robb and Theon sitting behind her: Wait, three?!

Police officer: Yes, you and the two...

Anya: Shit, Jon fell off.

Theon: Yeah... "fell off"

Chapter Text

Jaime: My girlfriend is too tall for me to kiss her on the lips. What should I do?

Cersei: Punch her in the stomach. Then, when she doubles over in pain, kiss her.

Tyrion: Tackle her.

Cat: Get dumped by her, she's to good for you anyway.

Loras: Kick her in the shin.

Brienne: NO TO ALL OF THOSE. JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN.

Chapter Text

Robert: Guys! Have you seen the thing?

Cat: What thing?

Ned: What did you lose?

Robert (while searching): You know the thing! I seem to have misplaced it and it's of great importance...

bb! Robb bounces into the room: Hi uncle Robert!

Robert: Ah! There it is!

Ned: ...

Cat: You lost Robb!?

Chapter Text

Cat: Some people ask me what my kids inherited from their father. I tell you what! They all inherited his horrible taste in friends.

To this day I don't understand how Ned and Robert ever became friends.

Robbs best friend is Theon. That boy has literally two moods "I'm horny" and "let's do something stupid".

Margaery might look like a good choice in a friend for Sansa but she is kind of the same person as Theon when it comes to bad influence. She's just better at keeping up appearances.

Aryas friends names are Lommy and Hot Pie. Who calls their child Hot Pie! And don't get me started on the boy that doesn't own a shirt!

Bran is friends with the Reed siblings. He has a crush on Meera who way to old for him and I'm pretty sure Jojen is high most of the time.

Rickons best friend is his old babysitter Osha who teaches him questionable Wildling traditions. Seriously one day Stannis is gonna call me and tell me Rickon stole Shireen.

Chapter Text

Loras (after Renlys death): Margaery, why do good people die young?

Margaery: When you are in a garden full of flowers, which one do you pick?

Loras: The ugly ones!

Margaery: Exactly - wait, wait what? Why?

Loras: Because ugly bitches don't belong in my garden!

Chapter Text

Lysa: You should listen to me, I outrank you!

Cat: In what? And how?

Lysa: Easy! My husband is your husbands foster father. Which means I am your husbands step foster mother ergo I am your step foster mother in law. So that's why I am higher in the family's hierarchy than you.

Cat walkes away

Lysa: Where are you going?

Cat: Teaching Robb to call you grandma!!

Chapter Text

Theon: Let me see what you have.

Rickon: A knife!

Theron: Okay, have fu-

Robb: NO

Chapter Text

Arya: We have an announcement. Gendry and I are having a baby.

(Lysa gasps)

Cat: You're pregnant?

Arya: Yes.(unsure) And we're really happy about it.

Ned: (shocked) Why wouldn't you be? Wow

Arya: Mom?

Cat: It's a lot to process at once, and… (happy) a baby, unbelievable.

Benjen: Congratulations!

Edmure: Oh, my gosh, a baby!

 

Cat (hugging Hoster): Oh, God!

Hoster: You handled that a lot better than I did back in the day.

Cat: On the outside. On the inside, I'm you.

Hoster: Mmm-hmm. (CHUCKLES)

Chapter Text

Ned: Hello, people who do not live here.

Ygritte: Hello!

Brienne: Hi.

Gendry: Hello.

Shireen: Good day, Mr Stark.

Ned: I gave you the key for emergencies!

Theon: We were out of Doritos.

 

Ygritte: Also Melisandre and Stannis started doing weird religious rituals in the living room and Shireen got worried they were gonna sacrifice her

Chapter Text

Jaime: Alright, so you and I are married.

Brienne: We are not married.

Jaime: Relax, it's just pretend.

Brienne: I don't want to pretend.

Jamie: Scared you'll like it?

Brienne: Okay, if we are married, I want a divorce.

Sansa: Are you two always like this?

Turion: Yes, they are.

Chapter Text

Theon: What if we inverted our initials? Gheon Treyjoy.

Robb: Sobb Rtark

Margaery: Targaery Myrel

Renly: Benly Raratheon

Loras: Toras Lyrel

Meera: Reera Meed

Sansa: Sansa Stark - this is a stupid game.

Chapter Text

Satin: I can't go. Stress is bad for the baby.

Jon: What baby?

Satin: Me!

Chapter Text

Theon: It's really muggy out today.

Robb: If I go outside and all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm going to kill you.

Theon: *sips coffee from a bowl*

Chapter Text

Arya: I like all my siblings equally.

Arya: Jon, Robb, Bran, Rickon...

Arya: *looks at smudged writing on hand*... and Samso

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Theon: If you put "violently" in front of anything to describe your action, it becomes funnier.

Robb: violently practises

Sansa: violently studies

Bran: violently sleeps

Rickon: violently boxes

Arya: violently murders people

Jon: violently worries about that previous statement

Chapter Text

Ned (on the phone): Help my wife is going into labor. What should I do?

Doctor: Is this her first child?

Ned: Excuse me!? This is her husband!

Cat (having a contraction) : I want a divorce!

Chapter Text

Brandon: From now on, we'll be using codenames. Brandon: You can adress me as "Wolf 1"

Brandon: Cat, codename 'Been there, done that!'

Brandon: Ashara is 'Currently doing that'

Brandon: Cersei is 'It happened once in a dream!'

Brandon: Roberts, codename 'If I had to pick a dude'

Brandon: Ned is 'Wolf 2"

Ned: Oh thank God.

Chapter Text

Robb, on the phone: What are you doing?

Then: *playing video games* The dishes.

Robb: Did I just hear a laser gun?

Theon: This is a bad neighborhood.

Chapter Text

Aerys: Give a man fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Elia: Why did I marry into this family?

Chapter Text

Cat: You don't have to turn everything into a Thomas Cruise film.

Jaime: Why not? Movies super are fun. Meanwhile, real life is very boring. That's why no one watches documentaries.

Cat: Tell that to the man sitting next to me at last Saturday afternoon's screening of "Ryuichi Sakamoto: Coda."

Jaime: Was that man Ned?

Cat: ...Yes

Chapter Text

Brandon, after he finds out Cat is dating Ned: I love you!

Cat: Wrong number!

Brandon: You're sitting right here.

Cat: Wrong address.

Brandon: Wait, wha...

Cat: Please leave a message after the tone. Beep!

Chapter Text

After the kids caught Ned/Cat in the act.

Hoster: What is more important than putting a working lock on a bedroom door?

Cat: You are one to talk.

Hoster: What is that supposed to mean?

Cat: You don't remember when I walked in on you and mom that time?

Hoster: Brynden, can we please go now?!

Cat: Mm-Hmm. So why don't you just get off your high horse, dad. At least I am trying to handle this better than the two of you did.

Hoster: What did we do?

Cat: You made gimlets and went back to your room.

Hoster: What were we supposed to do?

Cat: You... you... you could have talked to me. You could have made sure that I was okay.

Hoster: Want to talk about it? Fine. Your mother and I were watching a particularly racy episode of "Hart to Hart". Stefanie powers had to go undercover as a call girl.

Cat: No. Dad. Mhm

Hoster: Hang on. This whole story makes more sense if you know I got a thing for thigh-high boots.

Cat: Oh, gross! Gross. You are ruining sex for me. And boots.

Chapter Text

Cat: Cersei Lannister deserves nothing but pain and death for what she did!

Westeros citizen: Yeah she committed high treason against the king.

Cat: ...oh yeah that...sure for that too

Chapter Text

Robb: I need your to swear.

Theon: FUCK!

Robb: Swear as in PROMISE!

Chapter Text

Cersei: If you would be my husband I would put poison in your wine!

Robert: If you would be my wife I'd drink it.

Chapter Text

(slow dramatic music)

Ned: Don't make me choose between you and her!

Robert (looks devastated): Why? Because you would choose her?

Ned (looks deep in Robert eyes): Yes!

 

Cat: Oh my God just go to the bar together! We can watch the movie tomorrow, Ned!

Chapter Text

Robert: You know Littlefinger is so pathetic pining after someone so hardcore that, when he can't have them, his reaction is to go for the little sister. Like who does that?

Cat (sarcastically):  Yeah, who would do that Robert? I have noo idea.

By the way how is Lyanna?

Chapter Text

Ned: I still think your choice in friends is worse than mine!

Cat: Oh really.

Ned: Yes! No friend of mine has ever slept with my sister because he was in love with me.

Cat: You sure about that?

Chapter Text

Robb: Want to hear a hard riddle?

Theon: Sure.

Robb: A rooster laid an egg on a roof, which way did it roll?

Theon: ... down?

Robb: N-

Jaime: Who cares about which way it rolled? It would be scrambled by the end anyway!

Robb: ... No

Brienne: Roosters don't lay eggs! Jesus Christ guys!

Chapter Text

Tywin: I'd wish you luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.

Tyrion: Put some alkohol in your mouth to block the words from coming out.

Jaime: There's only one thing I hate more then lying: skin milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.

Cersei: The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about other people.
Ron Swanson

Chapter Text

Jaime: I hate my last name!

Cersei: Why?

Jaime: Because it's not your last name.

Cersei:

Jaime:

Cersei: Jaime, your last name is Lannister as well!

Chapter Text

Ned: Come on, I wasn't that drunk last night.

Robb: You were flirting with Mom.

Ned: So what? We're married.

Robb: You asked her if she was single.

Ned:...

Robb: And then you cried when she said she wasn't.

Chapter Text

Cat and Robert get drunk and then start fighting

Cat: You don't need to hate on me just because Ned loves me more then you!

Robert: You know what Cat? You suck.

Cat: You know what? I do. No need to be jealous!

Chapter Text

Theon: Arya just called me a sex machine. 

Jon: Her actual words were ‘you’re a fucking tool’. 

Theon: [shrugs] I know what she meant.

Chapter Text

Robb: How do you politely tell someone you want to hit them with a brick?

Cat: One wishes to acquaint your facial features with a fundamental item used in building wals. Repeatedly.

Theon: That's the most beautiful thing I have ever heard, my lady. Why do you know this without thinking.

Cat: Oh I just had a run in with the Kingslayer and I couldn't just forget my courtesies.

Chapter Text

Theon: Can you tuck me in?

Robb: You just handed me a shovel!!!

Theon: Yeah, just spread the dirt over me as evenly as you can, thanks.

Chapter Text

Daenerys: Rhaegar, why are you sulking?

Rhaegar: Someone said Pluto isn't a planet, can you believe the stupidity -

Daenerys: But it's not a planet.

Rhaegar: You're dead to me now.

Chapter Text

Arya: I panic when people compliment me.

Gendry: What am I supposed to say than?

Lommy: Great job at practice, Arya!

Arya: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Chapter Text

Lyanna: Why are your tongues purple?

Cat: We had slushies. I had a blue one

Ned: I had a red one

Lyanna: oh

Lyanna:...

Lyanna: OH, iwu

Benjen: You drank each other's slushies?

Chapter Text

Arya, banging on the door: Theon, open up!

Theon: Well, it all started when I was a kid...

Sansa: No, she meant-

Robb: Let him finish!

Chapter Text

Starklings get in trouble:

Catelyn stares at them disapprovingly: ...

Arya: I'm not scared of you! None of us are!

Robb: I kind of am.

Arya: Robb, shut up!

Chapter Text

Arya: I DO WHAT I WANT!

Sansa: I'm calling mother.

Arya: No wait!

Chapter Text

Theon: Two ways sharks can die: 

1. If they stop swimming 

2. If they start swimming, into my fist

 

Jon: Pretty sure the sharks would die of shock just from seeing your ugly face.

Chapter Text

Robb: Oh look, we're under a mistletoe.

Theon (looks up): That is not a mistletoe.

 

(later that night)

Theon (wakes up at 4am): Oh my god! He was flirting with me!

Chapter Text

Robert: My best friend, Jaime eloped with my wife and three kids yesterday.

Barristan: That's horrible. How long has he been your best friend?

Robert: Since yesterday.

Chapter Text

Cat: Ned? I’m coming in!

Ned: No, no! You can't come in here! Emm... Robert is naked!

Cat: What?

Robert: What!

Ned: I couldn't say that I was naked. Because she’s allowed to see me naked!

Robert: Why does anyone have to be naked!?

Chapter Text

Theon visiting the Starks for the first time:

Theon: Thank you for the food Mrs Stark, it looks great.

Ned: Yeah, you did great love. (Squeezes Cats ass)

Cat: Ned behave, not in front of guests.

Theon: Bro what was that?

Robb: What are you talking about?

Theon: Your parents love each other!?

 

Ned: So Theon, how are you liking school?

Theon (panics):...

Robb: Bro what's wrong?

Theon: You all talk during dinner?

Robb: Uh yeah, they usually ask our opinion about stuff.

Theon: They respect your opinion?

 

Cat: Alright family what movie should we watch?

Theon: Bro aren't we gonna go upstairs?

Robb: No it's Friday. Friday is family movie night.

Theon: Y'all spend time together as a family?

 

Ned: Son, you alight?

Theon: Could you adopt me?

Chapter Text

Jon: (wears a slightly lighter shade of black)

Theon: I see you're bursting out the spring colors.

Robb: Come on Theon!

Robb: That's obviously a summer outfit.

Chapter Text

Ned in the afterlife: So were any of you happily married?

Jon: Well I took a vow not to marry but I had a someone I loved.

Ned: That's great.

Jon: Yeah, someone shot her with an arrow and that was bad. So the next one I staped myself.

Sansa: I was very happily widowed.

Arya: I don't commit to beings who are lesser than me. Which, of course includes all men.

Bran: I was a tree.

Ned: …