Chapter Text
Previously:
When Jane didn't answer her question Maura just sighed sadly, she reached a hand up to wipe at her eyes. “I have to go to my next lecture.” She looked around for her shoes, doing her best to avoid looking at Jane as she slid them back on “You… I don't know what you have to do right now. But I'll be back later and we can go from there.”
Maura hurried out of the room before Jane could see the tears in her eyes. She hadn’t intended to cry, but she couldn't control the connection between her lacrimal glands and her amygdala.
Being this upset over Jane’s reaction was highly illogical. She was right, the appropriate response to a drunken marriage in Las Vegas was annulment or divorce, Maura knew this. But the mere suggestion of ending their marriage sent her mind into overdrive. It felt far too much like they would actually be breaking up and separating from each other as a result, and she couldn’t bear the thought of her life without Jane in it, it just wasn't an option.
Jane was the most important person in her life. That was very easy for her to see, it was something she’d known before they were even in this situation.
Jane was the best friend she’d ever had. She was Maura’s family.
She was the most reliable person she knew. The one who was always there for her no matter what. The one who made her feel safe, and loved and taken care of.
Jane was the person who helped her make sense of the world around her. The person who always held her hand–both literally and figuratively–through social situations that she didn't understand. Who would shield her from making too much of a fool of herself when she could help it.
Maura knew she was sort of weird, she always had been. But since becoming friends with Jane, the social world seemed a lot less foreign to her.
Jane made the world make sense.
She explained things to her, and let her ask stupid questions. She taught her how to do the simple things most people learned in their childhoods. She explained complex social situations to her so she could understand them.
As much teasing as Jane did, she was never cruel or made Maura feel bad about herself. She made her comfortable in her own skin and protected her from almost everything else.
Whether they be social situations, dealing with something she should have already known about in her life, or actual physical threats. Jane was always right there to take care of her, to hold her hand. To offer a comforting hand or a hug in support.
Jane invited her into her life, into her family.
Her super close knit family, who loved her like one of their own. Who she loved just as much in return.
Her crazy loud family who she got to spend the holidays with, and who came over for Sunday night dinners, where there was usually animated arguing all throughout their meal, which Maura secretly loved.
Jane gave her a kind of easy companionship she’d never experienced before. She was a safe place to confide anything in. She was someone who cared about her and what she had to say about things. Someone who always made sure she was okay, and who helped her be comfortable in her own skin and because of all this Maura opened her entire life to Jane.
There was very little about Maura that Jane didn't know or have access to. Maura trusted her more than anyone else she’d ever met.
She had keys to her house, and her car, hell Jane’s mother lived in her guest house.
Jane was written into her will, she was also her emergency contact and would have legal power of attorney over her medical decisions if anything should ever happen to Maura.
Did all this mean Maura was in love with Jane?
She didn't know.
As she walked into the lecture hall, Maura did something she’d never done in her life, and sat in the back of the room near the door. She set her ipad up and opened up a blank page so she could take notes, but she never even noticed when the speaker began the lecture.
Maura’s mind was consumed with Jane and Jane only.
Was she attracted to Jane?
That answer was very simple. Yes.
She’d known from the first time she met Jane that she was attracted to her. How could she not be?
The woman was physically perfect. Her facial bone structure was exquisite, and her long lanky yet muscular body was stunning.
She was very physically appealing which was something Maura frequently admired, in a platonic way of course.
Besides Jane never gave her any indication that any advances would ever be reciprocated when they first met and soon enough their friendship blossomed so much that Maura wouldn't consider risking it by making Jane uncomfortable. So she sort of pushed it out of her mind.
But Jane was so much more than just her amazing looks.
She was an amazing and gifted detective, very dedicated to her craft.
She was so funny and so quick witted that it often took Maura by surprise just how quickly her mind worked.
Which reminded Maura that Jane was one of the smartest people she knew.
Sure she didn't complete college, but Jane had a knowledge about the world that most people couldn't gather from a lifetime of studying.
She was one of the few people Maura felt intellectually stimulated by on a regular basis and she loved that about her best friend.
Jane was also one of the kindest and warmest people she’d ever met. Not that she’d let people know that. Once you got past her hard exterior she was one of the most caring people Maura had ever known. Jane was also fiercely protective of those she loved. And being among the group of people who Jane loved enough to protect at all costs was often overwhelming.
Maura loves Jane. More than any partner she’d ever had. That was easy to see.
Jane fulfilled more of Maura’s mental and emotional needs than anyone else she'd ever known. And that was all without a sexual element to their relationship.
She took a moment to think about that. Maura was positive that she would have no issues stepping into that aspect of a relationship with Jane, if she were allowed to.
They had amazing physical chemistry already, if Jane allowed herself to lean into it Maura was positive a physical relationship between them would be very satisfying.
While Jane rarely let anyone —including her own mother— touch her or care for her physically in public, Maura noticed very early on in their relationship that those physical boundaries didn't often apply to her.
She was often permitted to touch Jane, wipe away smudges, or dust of lint on her clothes. She was able to get away with hugging Jane or reaching over to touch her arm or shoulder, sometimes even allowed to hold her hand or maybe link their arms together as they walked.
When they spent time together alone, she had come to notice she had certain privileges that Jane’s boyfriends —who’d she’d complain about often— didn't. Maura was allowed to cuddle up to her on the couch, or invade her personal space as she pleased. They often cuddled on the couch and shared a blanket during movie night where one or both of them would fall asleep together. They also on more than a few occasions slept in the same bed very comfortably.
While all of these things were true and even a comfortable topic to discuss with Jane, Maura knew that Jane would have a hard time allowing herself to equate all of these things to a romantic relationship between the two of them on her own. And if left to her own devices she would have never considered the two of them to have romantic options because they were both women. Her mind would never independently link the two of them as an option.
Jane was by no means homophobic, Maura knew this. But she was raised in an environment where homophobia was around her and socially ingrained in her mind. Not by her family —they were some of the most loving people Maura had ever met in her life— but by her church and her school and the teachings of her faith. They set a standard that Jane did her best to hold herself to in all facets of life.
Jane’s desire to be a good person, to be a role model to her younger brothers was important to her. She valued doing what was right and being a moral example, so much so that she would never even consider pursuing something that would be so looked down upon by others around her.
Jane took all that pressure very seriously, too seriously sometimes Maura thought. She didn't allow herself the grace to fail or to not always do things perfectly.
Because of that, Maura knew Jane would never even allow herself time to consider that she may not be entirely straight, or could in fact be attracted to a woman in a sexual capacity.
But sometimes, Maura caught Jane looking at her in a certain way that felt like it might mean more. Overtime she’d realized that Jane didn't even know she did it and because of that, she’d never attempted to hide her long gazes or adoring looks. Maura didn't always think the looks were intended, but she knew they meant something. She was very sure, now looking back on some of those instances that it meant there was a spark between them that they both felt.
If given the opportunity Maura was quite sure they could make a marriage work successfully in all aspects. In fact, she was sure they would excel at it.
She knew it would all come down to Jane’s ability to allow herself the option of trying and her own ability to navigate whatever window Jane would allow her into.
If she couldn't do it. If Jane decided it wouldn’t work, Maura knew she could back off and proceed with ending the marriage. As long as she got to keep Jane in her life in the exact capacity she was in now.
Losing what they had now wasn't an option for Maura. If they couldn’t improve upon and grow their relationship together, she would happily take the relationship they currently had for the rest of her life and be thankful she was given the opportunity to love such a person and to be loved by her in return.
But if they took the next steps together into a real marriage, Maura wasn't positive she knew what was possible for them.
It was almost impossible to think of what it would be like. She didn't even like to think of the words fairy tale or epic romance because they sounded fake and unobtainable, but they seemed like the only words that could define what a romantic relationship between them would become.
Their own version of some magical profound union, that seemed almost otherworldly. She knew it would be more than she’d ever dreamed of for herself romantically. More than she’d ever envisioned for herself with any partner she’d had in her life.
And for that, Maura had to at least try. Try to get Jane to get past her fear and insecurity and see what the possibilities for them were.
She needed to talk to Jane after this. To try to get her to see what she could, so they could give it a shot.
But she would also promise her that if it couldn’t happen, she would still be there to love her and be her best friend as if nothing ever happened.
Just as Maura was coming back around to the present and finally realizing she should be paying attention to her lecture, people around her were starting to get up and leave.
She’d spent the entire time thinking about Jane.
As concerning as it was that she missed a conversation that she’d been very interested in, she was happy that she sort of got her head wrapped around this whole thing with Jane.
At least it was clear in her own mind what she wanted. So now she could discuss it with Jane and not let her emotions get the best of her, like they did when she left Jane alone in their hotel room.