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The mourn

Summary:

Anna is a lonely child. When she loses her mum in a car accident, Elsa, her sister, has to take her in. And everything is fun and roses until Anna figures out, well… that she loves her.

Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Notes:

Hi there! I know you've been waiting long for a new chapter, but I hope this surprise makes you happy all the same. The whole story is being rewritten. Yay! You will notice some changes in the new chapters as: lot more words (like a lot); new details; minor changes in the plot. In the future there might be less chapters but you won't feel the difference. Trust me. I've been working on it for months and I hope you love the result. So check the chapters and if they show the "rewritten" sign, they are shiny and new. Let me know what you think about them.

Love you all. See you soon.

Chapter Text

THE MOURN.

 

CHAPTER 1 (Rewritten)



It’s raining. 

 

Isn’t it curious how a natural phenomenon like this one can affect people so deeply? How this kind of futile thing sticks to your mind when it should remember others? Why is that? Maybe because you don’t want to remember those other things. Maybe because the things that have happened are not worth remembering; or maybe your brain is just protecting you and it realises that weather is the only thing that could take off your mind from bad memories, not yet removing them entirely. It’s like a shadow, the weather, in the back of your mind. It represents the feeling more than the events itself and right now I would love to just remember the weather and forget about anything else. 

 

I feel the raindrops falling on my face, while the priest recites the eulogy in front of the coffin. They are sharp like blades on my trembling face. I don’t really know why I’m trembling now: if it’s because I’m still under some kind of shock or if I’m just cold. I’m gonna take my best guess and say both. Would have not been for this stupid rain, my mother would still be alive. Her car wouldn’t have swayed, there would have been no crash and she wouldn’t have died. But there’s the rain. 

 

If I close my eyes I can still see it: the road. It was slippery and the rain was pouring in a waterfall along all of it, but mum loved it. She said it was like a waterpark. The ups and the downs of the road were for her like rollercoasters and we would speed on them, splashing the water that was waiting for us in the hollow everywhere. This specific one was one of those nights.

 

I had been late. My football training had prolonged more than intended and I had taken a lot of time under the showers since I was literally covered in mud. You know… the rain and all that stuff. So when I got in the car we were in a hurry for dinner. She had been promoted at her work, so we were going to have a little party at my cousin’s. But even if we were lagging behind, mum didn’t care. She played her game of ups and down along all the mountain side. She was racing to gain the time we needed and we were singing along with the radio. It was fine. We had done it millions of times. 

 

But this time was different. Mum took a wrong turn. The car was so fast she had no time to stop and the last thing I remember is the wall coming right against us. I immediately snap my eyes open. My breath is ragged and my ears are whistling. I still don’t know how I got out alive and intact from an accident like that. All I have got as a memento of it is scratches and bruises. But my mum wasn’t as lucky.

 

I’ve got no more tears to cry and I feel way too alerted. It's like my senses are sharper now, after being spurred for so long by the pain. I feel overstimulated to be exact, photosensitive, and I’m fairly sure what’s keeping me up right now it’s just the adrenaline and that strange coffee-ish mixture I drank this morning. I look around myself with my burning puffy and red eyes and I see a few people gathered around the coffin, near me. They’re all wearing black; some of them are even crying but my gaze doesn’t linger on them too much. I don’t care about them. None of them is the person I’m searching for. I doubt I would recognize her, in any case. It’s been too long. 

 

I can’t but think that this is all my cousin Rapunzel’s fault. She was supposed to be here today, but she called herself out of it, as if the funeral of a family member is something that you can just… skip. Like it’s a meeting for a movie or a dinner you don’t want to go to. If it hadn’t been for her I wouldn’t be here alone, waiting for a stranger. As the priest talks, my mind wanders to the memory of the conversation I had with her on the telephone this morning. If I concentrate enough I can still hear her voice, clear as if she were talking to me at this exact moment. A few lines I can’t but repeat like a mantra, as if doing this would help me give the words new meanings:

 

How are you, Anna?”.

“My mother’s dead”. 

“Don’t worry, I talked to Elsa. She’ll be there. Everything will be alright”.

“I don’t want to go with her. I wanna stay with you, please...”. 

“You know that’s not possible”. 

“Will I see you today?”.

“I won’t be able to make it, but…”.

 

I don’t really know why I asked her to keep me with her. Why did I humiliate myself like that? What was I thinking? I think I’m just scared by this whole situation. I mean… who would ever be prepared for… this? I look at my hands, holding them tight. My fingers are red and literally freezing, but I don’t have the time to worry about it. The priest’s last words get me by surprise. I see him close the book he has in his hands and I recollect myself. I know that at this point I must make a speech. I learned some phrases, to avoid stuttering about things otherwise meaningless. 

 

I sniffle and, while I finish talking, I send some glaces with the back of my eye at the two gravediggers who are slowly lowering the coffin in the ditch. I sigh and as it touches the bottom. I reach down, I grab a handful of dirt from the floor and then I throw it on the polished wooden lid. And thus it’s over. The funeral, as long as my mother’s life. The priest lowers his head and sends all of the people present in peace and they, after paying me their last respects, slowly leave. Not even the priest stays long after. He’s got another funeral, apparently. Only I hesitate, standing in front of the burial mound and the tombstone. I look at it thinking.

 

I was never lucky with those concepts of house and family. Mine have always been… different. Dysfunctional in some ways. 

 

Since my parents divorced, my world has been divided in two. My father took my sister and ran off to Norway to his family, while I stayed here in America, with my mother. Those are the joys of being born in mixed families. The family that was left for me were my mother, her sister and my cousin Rapunzel, even if they lived far from us, in another city. For all I know, my father didn’t live long either. He died a couple of years ago, from some strange sickness. I’ve never been invited to the funeral. And now my mother is also dead and it’s like my world decided to shrink even more. It feels tiny and suffocating. 

 

The exact instant the news that I am an orphan came out to the world, the battle for my custody started, between my aunt and the judge, mostly. Even if the woman fighted strenuously against the government, to get my custody, at the end, nothing could be done. There was no point in explaining the judge that the person he wanted to entrust me to was not… technically family. He looked at the papers. The papers can’t lie. So he was sure that was the right decision. 

 

I keep looking at the dirt until I feel completely drenched in rain and cold and I understand that now is the right moment to go back home. I hold my waist with my arms and I start walking head down, putting one step after another. The weather is getting worse by the minute but when I finally arrive at my house’s front door, I find out that while I was not here, someone came and changed the lock. I sigh. I knew this morning the landlord would come to get the house back. He had warned me he was not giving me more time, but I didn’t think he would close me out of it while I was at the damn funeral in this weather and in this kind of barbaric way. 

 

I grit my teeth and nothing is left for me to do but to curl in a ball on the porch steps, hoping that at least the rain will be merciful. I take out the cap I have brought with me, from my coat pocket and I put it on to cover my face from the water. At some point I start shuddering from the cold, but I still try not to linger too much on my thoughts. I don’t want to start crying again. And then suddenly I hear a distant sound of footsteps, advancing in the rain. I lift my head up, sniffling and, in the distance, I see someone approaching. I feel my heart skip a leap and a knot twists in my guts. It’s a woman and she’s damn gorgeous. She’s tall, fair and has pale blonde hair. She walks slowly, holding a black umbrella on her head. She looks familiar, but I can’t remember where I last saw her. Is she here for the funeral? Is she mum’s friend? She seems uncertain. She looks around herself, then at the house, then she notices me and comes closer, pointing at the door behind me, with her slender and elegant finger. 

 

“Does Anna Andersen live here?”. She asks nicely and in a low voice, but hurriedly. She wears beautiful expensive black sunglasses that visibly clash with the weather. That’s how I figure out she’s not using them against the sun, but just to hide her eyes. In addition she wears a suit, also black and leather gloves and she has her hair collected in a very elaborated chignon. She looks at me in silence, waiting patiently for the answer and I sigh, swinging my head. I think I know who she is and what she wants. 

 

“She’s not living here anymore. The house has been sold”. I mumble, not moving from my spot. That’s not entirely a lie. Both her eyebrows snap up as she looks at the door and she pulls back her bangs from her forehead, succeeding in conveying only a vague feeling of anxiety, with her inexpressive eyes. “Why are you asking? Do you know her?”. The woman softens her skirt, which also seems expensive, with her gloves. She looks uninterested. 

 

“That’s private”. She says, confirming my suspicions. I start observing her out of sheer curiosity, while she tightens her lips. She becomes rigid. I see her swallow nervously and I understand that talking about this topic embarrasses her. That’s it. That expression. That’s what makes her so familiar. I know where I’ve seen it. Her complexion is more the one of an adult now, her hair is paler, thinner and it looks longer than I remembered, her lineaments are soft and delicate. The pictures my mother used to hide in the attic, don’t do her any justice. On another occasion I would probably have complimented her for her beauty. “Are you a neighbor or a friend? Do you know where she could be? Did she leave an address I can search her at or something like that?”. I grimace. Apparently she doesn’t recognize me. I should have expected that. She hasn’t seen me since I was a baby. She’s changed too to be fair. “If you see her, could you tell her please that Elsa is searching for her?”. She keeps on asking and I'm starting to lose my patience. She didn’t come to the funeral, she doesn’t remember my face and she expects to take me to a country I’ve never seen, with her. That’s bold. How should I feel if not humiliated? “There’s not much time left. I have to find her”. She mumbles to herself, looking nervously at the watch on her wrist. 

 

“Shouldn’t you know where she is?”. I retort, venomously and I can swear I see her giving me a sharp glance behind those dark glasses. But she surrenders to swallow again, nauseated instead of arguing. She puts her glasses on her head. She rubs her eyes and clears her voice, before wearing the glasses again, preventing me from seeing her eyes. She seems exhausted. Maybe she’s just exasperated. No one in their right state of mind, landed with the responsibility of a minor they don’t know, would be happy about it. That much I can understand and to be actually sincere, her beauty is confusing my feelings towards her.

 

“That’s a nice question I don’t know how to answer to”. She whispers and she looks at the watch again. She is in a hurry. The thought that I should try and see if she leaves without me, crosses my mind. She probably would, but then I would have to find a place where to stay and I for sure know I couldn’t go asking help from my cousin in that case. I hear her mumbling something I don’t understand. “Well, I am going to search for her elsewhere. Thank you for your help”. For how much I want for her to leave me alone… I know that staying here in the rain until someone comes to the rescue or I die of pneumonia is not the answer. The game is over. I take my hat off and I place it on my legs, trying to get her to identify me. 

 

“Elsa… it’s me”. I murmur, scratching my neck. She stares at me now, completely lost. I’m not sure she’s got it or that she believes it. “It’s me, Anna. Why do you think I would sit here in the rain? I can’t go back inside…”. I confirm, pointing at the door behind my back and she looks at me as if I’m definitely kidding her. I hope she won’t force me to show her my identity card. It would be embarrassing. She stays silent for a long moment, then she nods. She rubs her eyes under the glasses again. 

 

“Anna… I should have figured”. She growls, crossing her arms against her waist. I can swear I see her sniffle, but it can easily be just my imagination. “Forgive me, I… don’t feel like myself, today. I should have known better. I’m… I’m happy to see you. Glad to know your sense of humour outlives the worst of circumstances''. She says, dead serious and unimpressed and I catch in her voice a small, albeit super sheer, attempt to be sarcastic.

 

“What are you doing here Elsa?”. I insist on asking. I know the official reason for her presence today, but what I ask myself is… why? Why did she come? What does she care? Especially after she’s been ghosting me for fifteen years, after our parents divorced. I wouldn’t have come. I would have left me alone. Why did she come in person to pick up the unwanted package anyway, when she could have sent someone else? I can just try to guess, but I think Rapunzel forced her to. She found the time to convince Elsa to come, but not to do so herself. Nice. Thanks Rapunzel. 

 

“You might not believe that, but she was my mother too somehow. I cared for her”. She half-heartedly admonishes and she is right: I don’t believe her. She grips the handle of the umbrella. “And I’m also here for you. I came to get you. I thought Rapunzel told you I was going to pass by”. She clears her voice again and turns to look at the road. “I’m taking you home with me”. And this phrase, I have to admit, surprises me. The tone she uses makes it seem like she cares. If I hadn’t known her purpose I would have thought she came to pay her respects and disappear again. But she’s here to cry for our mother and… She keeps on looking at me and, without me noticing, my eyes fill with tears. I gulp and I rub my still burning eyes. She doesn’t move an inch. “I know this might sound insensitive, but Rapunzel is waiting for us at four and our flight is at eight. If you want to say goodbye to her, we should get going now”. She says. “The funeral is over. There’s no reason to stay here”. She’s right. I know. It surprises me that she wants to let me meet my cousin one last time. I think she realizes I won’t see her soon. 

 

“I don’t want to come to Norway”. I mumble and I retreat an inch on the step I'm sitting on. My words hurt her, but I have no intention to be sorry about it. “My family is here. I don’t want to go. There must be another way to set things”. Her face is inexpressive and pale. I can’t read any emotion in her. Mainly because of her glasses. Her eyes are still completely hidden. 

 

“Anna… you know this is not my choice. It’s no one’s choice but the judge’s”. She defends, gently. “Don’t make this more difficult than it already is. You might not consider me as family… You have your reasons. But for the law, we are sisters and we shall act like it”. She murmurs in a tone I can only define as pleading. “I promise you it will be alright”. She says, making me stand. “Now we have to go… it’s getting late and you’ll get pneumonia sitting there like that”. She explains and I puff. I decide to cut it off at least until we're at Rapunzel's. I follow her without a word.

 

She precedes me out of the alley, walking quietly. A last glance at the house and I’m after her, under her umbrella, while she shows me the way to the car I think she rented. I get in the car, but she hesitates for a second, looking in my direction, before getting behind the wheel. She’s uncomfortable… Well, breaking news: we both are. 

 

The trip is slow, extenuating and boring. Elsa doesn’t speak, doesn’t move. She may look like a person but she acts like a stuffed animal and I… I feel uncomfortable sitting in the car in general. I sometimes get flashes of what happened and I have to close my eyes. Her gaze is fixed on the road and she doesn’t turn to look at me, not even by mistake. Maybe it’s better like that. She spares me from the pain of talking. I lean to turn on the radio. Music distracts me from my thoughts and from Elsa. I sigh and turn to look outside the window at the rainy landscape. 

 

Rain follows us all the way, to Corona. A long and mournful march. The car finally crosses a familiar road and stops with the screeching of the wheels in front of the porch of a big house. This is Rapunzel’s house. It was probably her who guided us here. Elsa wouldn’t have known how to find it otherwise. Elsa looks at the door then looks at me. I don’t know what she wants from me. I clench my sweaty hands together, waiting. 

 

“Go”. She suggests, gently, pointing at the porch with her index. “Rapunzel is waiting for you”. I’m confused. Isn’t she coming? “We’re wasting time, Anna”. She insists as minutes pass. I stare at her. I can’t believe she won’t say goodbye to Rapunzel. Finally I understand she’s not joking and I get out of the car, under the rain. I walk to the door and knock, before turning to look at her. She’s still sitting in the car, looking away, pensive, with her damned glasses still on. While I look at her, the door behind me opens and I feel someone pulling me into a hug. Before I can understand what’s happening, Rapunzel guides me inside. 

 

“Anna… I’m so sorry I couldn't come. Really really sorry. I had an appointment I couldn't reschedule. How are you?”. She asks tenderly, holding my face, kissing my cheeks and hugging me. These excuses don't pay for the fact that she hasn't seen her aunt's funeral. Do they? But I don't want to fight now that I'm leaving and I could possibly not see her anymore. I don’t want to part on bad terms. We stay still, holding each other for at least five minutes, in front of the closed door. This makes me feel self-conscious. Rapunzel rubs my back and holds me tight. My knees tremble as I start feeling emotional again. “It’s ok, Annie… It’s ok”. She murmurs to my ear. 

 

“It’s not ok”. I mumble, sobbing. My eyes fill with tears one more time. “Nothing’s ok. I don’t want to go to Norway, Punz. I’m begging you. Don’t let her take me away. I’ll be good. I promise”. I beg. I won't stop begging and now I know why I’m doing it. Not because I want to stay with Rapunzel per se: I would accept to stay anywhere at this point if it’s in this country. I beg because I'm scared of what will happen to me If I go. I don’t know that woman! She could kill me and throw me under a bridge for all I know! And I think Rapunzel senses this. My tension and my fear. A big tear falls on my cheek and my hands start trembling uncontrollably. Rapunzel grimaces and looks around herself, before guiding me to the kitchen and helping me sit. Maybe she’s scared I’ll faint. She offers me water and tissues. I want neither. I want...

 

“Listen Anna, dear…”. The blonde begins saying, kneeling in front of me. I try to look elsewhere, but she prevents it. “No, listen". She insists. "I negotiated an agreement with Elsa. From a legal point of view, it’s necessary that you go with her for now”. I groan and she pats my leg, reassuringly. “But she made a promise to me: when you’ll be eighteen she’ll let you come back, ok? She won't force you to stay there if you don't want to. Consider these three months as a deserved holiday”. My heart is still refusing to accept it, but she looks at me hopefully and in the end my head has to surrender. What else is left for me to do? She reciprocates with a big smile. “Good girl. Do you want a slice of cake? You seem like one who needs cake”. How come she has all of these cakes in those fancy boxes lately?

 

"I don't know... I don't feel like eating." I mumble and she scoffs like she didn't imagine I would ever say something like that. I think she doesn't believe it, because she stands up, ignoring my answer and she opens the refrigerator. She pulls out a paper box from the shelf and places it in front of me with a fork. When she opens the package I find out that there's a cake inside. It really looks delicious and in some other situation I’m sure I would have not felt so turned off by the idea of eating it. But as she pushes it in my direction, I feel nauseated. I turn away from the plate. I can't even stand to look at it.

 

"Come on, eat it. It's chocolate. I know you're crazy for it. Elsa too...". Rapunzel tries and then she notices the missing piece. She frowns. "Where is she?". She asks and I point at the door. I don't have the strength to explain to her that Elsa didn't want to get out of the car. Rapunzel turns and brushes her hair back with her hands. She looks exhausted too. "I swear you two will drive me crazy." I can swear I hear her say as she walks her way to the door. She opens it and looks outside, before disappearing further and leaving it ajar. I wait a few minutes, staring uncomfortably at the ceiling, but then the idea of being here alone with the cake, and the need to know what they are talking about, convinces me to get up from the chair and reach for the entrance. I peek outside, trying not to get caught.

 

I see Rapunzel stride over to the car, clearly exasperated and then she knocks on the window. This attracts the attention of Elsa who had been looking at her own hands the whole time. The woman looks up at Rapunzel out of curiosity and my cousin gently asks her to come out. Elsa doesn’t seem convinced, but Rapunzel insists. There is no way to say no to her. So Elsa has to obey and get out of her car, standing in front of Rapunzel. Their height difference is huge. Elsa is tall and Rapunzel is so small in comparison… They start talking and if I concentrate enough, I think I can also hear what they are saying.

 

Rapunzel is worried. I can see it from her eyes and from the way she's biting her lips. She's asking Elsa how she is but the blonde is not interested in hearing nor answering any questions. She just looks at her own feet and nods occasionally, when spurred, totally uninterested. But that's a mistake. Rapunzel doesn't like to be ignored. She looks offended and the thing she does to get Elsa’s attention, attracts mine too. Rapunzel scoffs, she pulls Elsa's face to her and takes off her glasses. Elsa doesn’t have the time to stop her. I immediately feel a painful pang of nervousness, mixed with terror. I feel sick from the unexpected surprise and then... Oh my god. I am electrocuted on the spot. I can’t even breathe. An electric shock runs down my back painfully. 

 

Finally I can see Elsa’s whole face. I was waiting for this moment to happen. I was curious to know if she’s really as beautiful as she seems to be or if she’s hiding something under those glasses. And, well… she damn is! Her face is reddened and swollen, but what strikes me are her eyes. Elsa has the biggest and most penetrating sky blue colored eyes that can exist on the face of earth. I have never seen anything like this. The fact that her face is drowned in red from all the cold and the emotion and the fact that her pupils are retracted due to the strong light from outside makes them appear even larger, magnetic and astounding. Oh my God! They are so blue! And they just fall perfectly in place with the rest of her face, filling the puzzle I was desperately trying to compose. Damn… this woman is gorgeous!

 

I swallow. I feel my mouth becoming dry and pasty and I bite my lips. I don't think Rapunzel wanted to do it on purpose, but now I would like to run. My heart starts beating so fast in my chest it hurts. Damn… that’s Elsa? How… can it be? Elsa had not yet taken off her glasses before and for me, this is definitely a surprise. I am stuck with my mouth open staring at Elsa, like an idiot, unable to move and not knowing what to do. If I thought Elsa was gorgeous before, now… I think I’m sold for. She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. And then she looks at me with the back of her eye and my breath dies. She’s looking at me! I flare. I feel embarrassed, as if I am intruding on a private moment, so I look away and go back to sit in my place.

 

And as I sit on that damn chair I realise I’ve been an asshole. It was obvious Elsa had been crying. Stupid me for not understanding it immediately. Why didn't I get it sooner? Maybe it's because it didn't match much the idea I have of Elsa. She's not the person I remembered. The Elsa I remember would have never cried. She didn’t cry when papa took her away, so I thought she had been happy about it. Maybe she’s changed. Or I guess death just also has this effect on ice people like her. Even my cold sister can suffer. What about me? How do I feel? I rest my head on the table. I want to go home. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want for mum to be dead.

 

The conversation lasts long. Then Rapunzel comes back inside, white as a corpse and with the look of one who has just been drained of all her lifeblood. She looks at me and doesn't even try to smile. She knows it would be inappropriate. She stays in silence and I understand that our time is over. I swallow and I feel my legs pull me up against my will. I walk over to her and hug her. She reciprocates strongly.

 

"Be good with her Anna, okay?". She asks and kisses my forehead. "It's only three months and you will come back here. Elsa loves you. She would do everything for you. Don't make her life impossible. I know you would." I grimace and hold back the tears. The only thing that comforts me is that her eyes are also tearful. She sniffs. "Come on now. Go." She says and accompanies me to the door. "Will you go say goodbye to my mother?". She asks and I shrug. A long moment of silence follows, then I get out. Only three months, she says. That’s a lifetime. Her words reassure me in some way anyway. I can make it.

 

Without further tears, I reach the car. Elsa has her glasses back on her eyes and looks more glacial than ever. I get inside the car and avoid looking at Rapunzel, who’s watching us from the door. She waves with her hand and I wave back timidly. The car leaves the driveway and goes back to the street. Here the journey of mercy begins again. I reach out and turn on the radio once again, but unexpectedly I feel Elsa's hand on mine. I jolt in surprise. My heart has a seizure. I feel her cold fingers cross over mine with kindness. This is unexpected. I am surprised to feel that it trembles. I look at her, but she is too focused on the road to pay me any attention. Our hands move on the gearbox, to allow her to change gear. She sighs and won't let me go. For the first time in this whole week of horror, I feel comforted. I close my eyes and say nothing. I hope all this passes as quickly as in a dream.

 

Ironically, I can't sleep. I can't close my eyes even though I feel totally exhausted. Elsa strokes the palm of my hand with her thumb. Rapunzel probably asked her to be softer around me. It seems a calculated gesture rather than one dictated by the heart, but I'm happy about it anyway. I don't remember Elsa ever doing anything nice to or for me when we were kids. Not even if she was spurred about it. She was always so cold... So distant. So cute… I bite my lips, thinking about the huge crush I had over her when I was a child. How stupid of me. She seems to have changed in a way though and now… I feel my eyes veil with tears, but I don't say anything. I don’t want to look stupid, so I pretend nothing is happening. I didn’t know I had missed her this much.

 

She lets go of my hand for the first time, only when we arrive at the airport. She motions for me to get out of the car and reach the entrance of the building. Then she disappears with the car and I feel worried. Had I been with anyone else, I would have understood. But I'm with her, and I'm really afraid she will abandon me here. I swallow and head for the sliding doors of the airport alone. I enter and sit patiently on one of the waiting chairs at the entrance. I feel my heart pound in my throat. I'm so afraid that she will leave without me. And then suddenly I see her. She crosses the front door with a bag under her arm, notices me and gestures for me to follow her with a hand wave. She doesn't speak. It's as if she’s gone mute. She treats me like I'm a dog. I don't know how to behave around her and in the absence of other options I follow her.

 

We do all the check ins and check outs. I let the police search me like I’m a thief for ten minutes, before I can follow Elsa outside the security point, but finally I sit on one of the waiting chairs again. Same feeling in a different spot. I feel exhausted. Elsa instead looks fresh like a rose, with her sunglasses on. She presses her head against the wall and stops moving. I get to the point of believing that she's sleeping, when suddenly I see her take off her glasses again. My tachycardia applauds. To my confusion she turns to look at me, her huge blue eyes on me. Now she does look tired. Up close I can see her eyes are bloodshot. I feel sorry for her.

 

"Are you hungry?". She asks and her tone is impressively gentle and comprehensive. I shake my head. I wouldn't have the strength to eat even if I wanted to. "Are you sure? What about something to drink?". I say no again. She looks at me sadly. I don't think she does it on purpose. "What do you need?". To go home. I shake my head and I see her get up to her feet. I find out why she's asking me all these questions, only when she disappears and returns with a paper bag in one hand. She places it on the little table between us, with her glasses back on, before sitting down. She opens the bag and hands me a bottle of water. I try to refuse, but she insists, so I gulp two sips down. She seems satisfied. Then someone calls her on her phone. I see her get up to answer in the exact moment the speakers call for our flight. She talks as if she doesn’t care and when she’s done, we don’t even try to stand in line behind the others. She just shows a card to the hostess who nods and lets us get on board. I can't believe I'm really going to do it. Only three months, Anna, and it will all be over.

 

I take a seat next to Elsa on the plane. She chooses the seat by the window and I find myself stuck between her and a man with a huge mustache. Elsa pulls a newspaper out of her handbag and starts reading it, while I don't really know what to occupy my time with. I heard it will be a long flight. More than eight hours. A voice on the intercom warns us in English that we are about to leave and immediately after, the warning is followed by a series of incomprehensible sentences, which I can only imagine being in Norwegian. This reminds me of a problem.

 

"Elsa?". I ask and she raises her head in surprise, as if she didn't expect to be called and then she turns to me. She puts the newspaper down and waits for me to talk. I didn’t expect such disponibility. "Do you think I'll have to learn Norwegian?". I ask and her eyebrows snap up, then they frown in a confused and worried grimace. I think she notices the panic in my voice. "I don't remember a word. I won't know how to communicate…". I mumble. Elsa swallows heavily. Her eyes fix on the back of the seat in front of her, as if the answer is hidden in the skin of the sofa. I think this was an aspect she didn’t consider. 

 

"We... will find a solution”. She breathes reassuringly. “Continue doing as you always have and I am sure everything will be fine." She says and her voice is calm and gentle, while her hands reach out to fasten my belt. After this task and her answer, she goes back to reading her newspaper and I feel left alone once again. The only thing that distracts me is dinner at nine: a slice of pizza that Elsa doesn't even look at. She seems disgusted by it and I don't feel in the mood either, so I push it away, nauseated.

 

After the dinner that neither of us eat, I start feeling the stress and lack of sleep of the past few days taking charge. I feel tired. The adrenaline has reached its breaking point and all the restlessness has vanished and I realize that my eyes are struggling to stay open. I fight hard to stay awake, while Elsa looks more alerted than ever. She stares out the window and doesn't mind me. Oh, I would love for her to talk to me so I can stay awake, but she doesn’t. I try to distract myself in some other way but eventually sleep gets the better of me and I lose consciousness in the most unpredicted way of all.

 


 

Suddenly I feel something hit my shoulder gently. I turn my head around and I find that the weight I feel is Anna's head. Is she not feeling ok? I lean to look directly at her face and I learn that she's actually just sleeping. She breathes heavily, her mouth a little agape and she doesn't move. Oh… Oh! She's sleeping. It must be really uncomfortable to sleep in such a position, so I slightly widen her belt and allow her to rest her head on my legs. She doesn't object. On the contrary: she gets comfortable and hugs my legs with her arms. I reach to touch her head but I hesitate. Should I? She’s fast asleep, she won’t even notice. So I dare take off my glove and brush her hair back from her forehead with my index finger. Her hair is so soft… like a baby’s… I immediately take back my hand. I feel guilty now. I shouldn’t have touched her. What if this makes her angry? I turn to look for a stewardess, using my hand in a more dignified way, hoping to be able to fix a blanket for her. Instead, I find that the man sitting next to Anna is staring at me. He is strangely insistent.

 

"She fell asleep?". The man murmurs smiling gently. I stiffen. I don't understand what he might want, but I don’t like it. Creepy strangers always cause me anxiety. I nod weakly and I finally manage to attract the attention of one of the women in uniform. I kindly ask for a blanket and the woman disappears without a word. "She must be tired." The man insists and I feel a cold chill cross my back. I should have booked those private jet tickets. It would have been just me and Anna and now I wouldn't have this problem.

 

"I guess so." I icily murmur in response, while Anna, in her sleep, squeezes the hem of my skirt and mutters something. The hostess comes back quickly with a blanket. I hurry and cover Anna up, hoping she won't feel cold. "I think it was a busy day for her. Better let her sleep." I add, hoping the man will understand that I’m not in the mood to talk and he’ll leave us alone. Fortunately for me, he smiles at me, nods and turns away. I sigh in relief and concentrate on Anna. Today's funeral must have exhausted her. I can understand it. This whole situation puts me in distress too. I booked a night flight in the hope of sleeping before being home but apparently she got there before me.

 

I quickly learn that I like to stare at her as she naps. She’s a curious creature. She's a heavy sleeper for starters, and that's good because I wouldn't be able to return her gaze if she were awake. Not after what has happened in the past and not after what I'm forcing her to endure now. She's changed from what I remembered her being. She's grown. Her hair is long now, soft as silk. Her red copper bangs fall on her closed eyes and her lips are bright red. She's become a woman. Out of the corner of my eye I notice that the man glances at us from time to time. I can feel his eyes penetrating the flesh. I would love to know what he wants. I feel Anna moaning in her sleep and sighing.

 

The flight is long, maddening. I can't sleep a wink, thanks to the creepy man but I can't even read. My eyes are burning, but it’s not only that. I don’t want to lose Anna from sight. So I remain motionless staring out into the dark outside the porthole and at three in the morning a voice warns us that the flight is about to land. Thank you… I’m feeling devastated. I close my eyes and thank heavens for at least five minutes. Finally home. When the plane lands and I see people starting to get ready to get off, I decide that the time has come to wake Anna up. I shake her by the shoulder a couple of times and she finally manages to open one eye.

 

She grunts and looks at me, but I understand that she doesn't really see me only when she mumbles something and goes back to sleep as if nothing has happened. I sigh and realize that this will be more difficult than expected. I shake her again and she hums. She opens her eyes, but once again she seems not to be fully aware of herself. She sits up and rubs her face like a sleepwalker. I hold back a laugh this time when I see her sit with her eyes closed. She's such a comical character that even in this situation I cannot help but smile faintly. In the meanwhile, the plane is emptying. Even the man who sat next to us has disappeared, to my great pleasure.

 

"Anna, we're here. We must go." I suggest and my tone of voice is more amused than austere. I hear her muttering and grunting with her eyes closed. "Come on...". I insist, gently and give her a little push on the arm. She sighs and stands up, giving me the chance to retrieve our things from the compartment on our heads. She stands with her eyes closed. I have no idea how she does it. I place my hands on her shoulders and I guide her forward. Her steps are uncertain and staggering, but in the end we manage to get off the plane unharmed. I fix my coat on her shoulders and I cover her, lest she gets cold. After a short trip by shuttle, we cross the airport doors and find ourselves in a large hall crowded with people.

 

I look around and at the end of the big hall I see a familiar face. Olaf, a thin tall man with shaggy black hair, is waiting for us in front of the exit and as he sees us he raises his hand waving at me and smiling. I grimace. I specifically asked Marshall to come get us. How come Olaf, of all people, is here? I push Anna in his direction, without her realizing anything. Olaf welcomes us, then looks at the redhead and gives me a strange look. As if he wants to ask me if she's sick. It would be difficult to explain to him that she's sleeping, so I shake my head and let him help me drag her out, in total silence. Once in the car, Anna collapses against the back seat and picks up where she left off, snoring lightly. She has her cheek pressed on the window's glass, her mouth is slightly agape and she's salivating. I sit next to her, while Olaf arranges my bag in the trunk and takes his place on the driver's seat.

 

"How did the flight go?" He asks looking at the road. I don’t want to talk to him and he knows. I shrug and rest my head on the window on my side, exhausted. He seems to understand and smiles. "You can't wait to have a good night's sleep, huh?". He jokes and I sigh. Oh yes, I'd like to, but he knows that I will have a business meeting tomorrow morning and if I want to be ready I'll have to check the documents, so I won't have time to sleep tonight. "Do you want me to ask Marshall to postpone tomorrow's appointment?" I'm about to shake my head, but before I can do it, he adds. "I think it would be better if you are there when she wakes up. To help her settle in." I know he is referring to Anna and, thinking about it, given her opposition to come here, perhaps it is not an unhealthy idea. Leaving her alone could be worse, but I remember I don't have time for these games. I have a company to manage.

 

"She'll be ok. Don’t worry about her and start driving. This is your job. Not questioning my decisions." I say and even without seeing Olaf, I know that a grimace of disapproval has been painted on his face. He signed for this and I don’t want to hear a word from him. He starts the engine and I sigh in relief. Another fight has been avoided successfully. It crosses me that he wants to put his nose in my private life. I don’t like that he suggests so casually how I should take care of Anna. What does he expect me to do anyways? I don’t want to force my presence on Anna, since she seems so against me. I understand it from the way she looks at my general direction. She will be better alone, at least until she warms up to me.

 

"So what's the plan?" Olaf asks and I wonder if I should share my schedule with him. I thought I had already decided everything with Marshall, but he is not here, so… I look at him from the rear mirror and he sighs. He knows I don’t want him here. “Come on, Elsa… trust me. I’m here to help you. I know you must be surprised, but Marshall had a setback. His car broke and I was free. I still am your driver after all…”. I don’t believe him, but now I’m in his car and I have no other option. Does he think now I have Anna in front of me, something has changed between me and him? That she will be some kind of rage softener? He knows nothing about it. If anything, something has gotten worse. I sigh.

 

"Fine. I need to go back home to get my car… and make sure Anna is okay before I go to the office." Olaf gives me a big smile and glances at me from the rear view mirror. I don't trust him. I tap with my fingers on his car’s seat, thinking, while he drives out of the parking lot. What is he planning? Why is he here? Is he trying to get to know Anna? What does he care? No. He’s here for me. That’s not difficult to imagine. He is here because he thinks that helping me with Anna will help his cause. I bite my lips. Bold of him to think I’ll let him get close to her. He doesn't know Anna and If I succeed he never will. 

 

“So… she’s you sister, uh? She doesn’t look like you”. He says, trying to start a conversation. I scoff. He doesn't know much of my problem with her either, luckily. “Well… that doesn’t matter, does it? She will be a good company for you”. And from this I understand he wants to get us to get along. For what reason? This only he knows, but I think I get an idea when I hear him grumble: “Treat her well, Els. She's your family”. Ah… I get it now… He is having guilty thoughts. I look outside the window. Family, huh? Can a complete stranger be called a family? What does he know anyway? He is no expert in bringing people together, better at forcing them apart. 

 

"She will soon return to her country, don't get attached”. I breathe, warning him and in response he makes a disappointed face. Yeah, Olaf… Don’t get attached to whatever you are arboring in that sneaky little mind of yours. He has the habit of messing with the people I care for the most and I don’t want him to take an interest in Anna. She has already a sad backstory, no need to add to that. An embarrassed and heavy silence falls between us. “Drive, Olaf”. I command and I warn him with my eyes. No more chatting for him. He pouts.

 

We drive for half an hour until we reach the countryside. The car drives across a long lane that ends in front of the entrance of a big old house, surrounded by an enormous garden with a well-kept English lawn. It's been renewed recently so the house appears newer than it actually is. It's the remnant of the ancient possessions of the Snow family, my father's, in Norway. Compared to what the family used to own, this is a small vacation home. I prefer to stay here, in the peace of the countryside rather than in that shabby apartment in Oslo. Olaf parks right in front of the porch. It's still dark and Anna is sleeping heavily now. I think me and Olaf both mutually agree on the idea of not waking her up. 

 

"Go, home. Your job is done”. I say to Olaf while I get out of the car but I see him doing the same, to my utmost surprise. Before I can stop him, he runs around the car, opens the backdoor across from mine and starts to lift Anna. I throw a glance at him and as he even dares to touch her I reach out and slap away his hand, stopping him, immediately and menacingly. We look at each other directly in the eyes for minutes on either side of the backseat. He won’t set a finger on her. “Leave it and leave". I say and, despite the surprise, Olaf doesn't make any fuss. He closes the door on his side and goes towards the house, probably to make sure Anna's room has been prepared, not listening to a word I said. 

 

I stretch my arms and wrap Anna's hands around my neck before lifting her off. The countless hours moving heavy boxes of documents still didn't prepare me for her weight. I am sure that Olaf would have lifted her as if she weighed nothing, but me, I don't think I'm fit for this. I hold her bridestile on my arms: one under her legs and one around her shoulders, and I find it hard to stay in balance. I put one step after another and I finally succeeded in entering the house. The light is dim, but I know these environments too well to lose myself. Anna gets comfortable, holding me by the shoulders and alleviating my suffering. Now that she's lighter I dare go up the stairs. On the first floor all the lights are on and the door to Anna's room is opened. Olaf is standing there and I feel my blood start to boil. 

 

“What did I say about leaving, Olaf?”. I ask, but he stands there waiting for me. 

 

“But I want to stay. Is there something l can help you with?”. He asks, but I shake my head. I am too tired and busy now to listen to whatever lie he has prepared for me. I reach out and look inside Anna’s room and I have to admit that I don't like how Gerda, my housekeeper, decorated this room. I sigh. They fixed it as if they were expecting a baby. I'm not sure, but I think Anna would hate it and this would only make it more difficult for me. Would she accept to sleep into a room like this, since she's so crossed already to have been forced to get here? She would think I'm mocking her. “Please Elsa… give me a chance”. Olaf inists and I look at him. It’s four in the morning! I don’t want to listen to him right now! Luckily Gerda appears from the stairs, saving me. I reach out for her.

 

"Gerda… I’m glad you are here”. I breathe and the woman nods in my direction, acknowledging me. “You know what?". I ask, squeezing Anna into my arms. I am starting to feel pained by the effort of holding her. My breath is getting laboured and I’m starting to sweat. "I think I would prefer it if Anna slept in the room next to the study." I say panting, balancing our weight from one foot to another. Both Gerda and Olaf look at me, confused, but the woman nods and immediately disappears. Olaf, instead stands there like an idiot. "You want to get yourself useful Olaf? Help Gerda and make it quick, then get out of my house!". I say, walking down the corridor as best and as fast as I can.

 

"But that's your room! Are you sure you want me in there?" Olaf intercepts, following me as if he doesn't believe what I'm asking of him. I don't think it's that impossible of a request. I turn to him in a commanding stance. I don't have time to play with him now. If I don't lay Anna on something immediately, I'm going to drop her. I can’t stand here forever! My arms are reaching their limits!

 

"If you want to help that’s the only option. I don’t want you in this house for any other reason than work." I order and Olaf sighs, and seeing no other way he nods, disappearing down the corridor. I reach my study, I push the door with my shoulders and the lights turn on automatically. The furniture is modern, except for the sofa my father loved and the bookcase. I did change the rest of the furniture when my father died. I couldn't stand to look at it anymore. Too many painful memories. 

 

I rest Anna on the famous black leather sofa in the corner and I cover her with my coat. It's really cold tonight and the heaters are broken, but I’m not worried about it. The room isn't very big. It won't take long for it to warm up anyway if we both are in it. I leave the door ajar, hoping that Olaf will warn me as soon as the room is ready. I sit at my desk and turn on the computer. I wait for the documents to update. I have neither time nor desire to recover the computer I have worked on for the past two days since my suitcase is still in the car. I take off my sunglasses and put on my eyeglasses. I know I'm a mess, but I can't continue this farce. I have to work.

 

I write on the computer calmly, while I see Olaf and Gerda pass by, with a pile of clean sheets in their arms. He looks at me pitifully as he passes by. Ha! That’s what you deserve! I hear them trafficking in the next room. I narrow my eyes and continue to work, when I suddenly hear a faint movement coming from the sofa. I see Anna pulling her head up in confusion. She looks at me, looks around and her face tightens. I chuckle. She’s so cute when she’s sleepy.

 

“Did-did I fall asleep?”. Anna asks in confusion. Her voice is shrill and sleepy. Her eyes are still half closed. She keeps on checking the room. I think she's surprised to be here. She sits up. I let her do it, continuing to work on my documents. The poor thing must be exhausted. "Where are we?".

 

"We are home." I say. She sighs and nods, unconvinced. "How are you feeling?". I ask and she doesn't answer. She swallows and looks around with melancholy rather than with curiosity. I’m so sorry for her, and if I knew there’s a solution for her sadness, I would surely help her. But there isn’t. "I'm having your room prepared. It won't take long". I keep on saying and she nods, lying down again, without a word. She looks at me working in silence. I feel her curious eyes on me and I… don’t mind it. She doesn’t try to correct me, or the way I work, like my father did. She just lies there and stares at me in silence, learning my every movement, and this intimate interaction I don’t mind. It makes me feel loved somehow. In my head it means that she’s trying to get used to my presence. So, from time to time I turn to her and I smile at her. She blushes at the beginning, averting her eyes, but slowly she starts opening up to me and at some point she even reciprocates timidly. Hm… this is unexpected. She doesn’t seem so against me like she suggests. After about ten minutes of us playing like this, Olaf appears at the door. Anna looks up from the arm of the sofa and I stiffen. 

 

"Everything is ready." He announces. “I imagine you want me out now, do you?”. He asks me and then he notices Anna. He smiles and stares at her with curiosity. “Oh, hey there…You’re awake”. He greets her, waving his hand, but Anna doesn't seem to show the same interest for him. She nods in his direction to let him know she saw him and then she gets back to her position looking at me. She crosses her eyebrows and points at him with her eyes. She’s clearing asking me: Who the hell is he?

 

"Anna, this is Olaf, my… driver." I say, pointing at him. Anna nods as if she doesn’t believe it, but at the same time she seems reassured somehow. What was she expecting? Olaf doesn't seem happy to be called that, but there is no other option. He can’t aspire to be nothing more than that to me anymore. Anna seems to notice the tension between us; the way I never look at him, avoiding his presence entirely, but she doesn’t mention it and I don’t know what she’s thinking about it. A minute of embarrassed silence falls in the room.

 

"Well…”. Olaf intercepts, clearing his throat to end this unpleasant situation. “Now that everything is at its place I will leave you two alone and go home”. I nod and my happiness is nearly showing. “Remember, Elsa: tomorrow's meeting is at eight. If you need me to come get you, just call me." Olaf says and I nod again, starting to lose my patience. I motion for him to go away. I've had enough of him. He waves again and then he closes the door and leaves us alone. Finally! Anna goes back to lie down without saying a word. 

 

"Oh, right”. I suddenly remember. I’m so tired my brain is slowly shutting down. “Your room is ready. Do you want me to take you there?”. I announce, starting to get up from my chair. She must need a good night of sleep. At least she can. I longingly think of my bed in which she’s going to sleep in. I would love to close my eyes too. But when I look up at her, Anna shakes her head.

 

"I want to stay here." She replies and stops moving. My eyebrows snap up. Oh… that's surprising! Flattering but also a little unpleasant. I’m glad she trusts me enough she doesn’t want to leave me, but I lost ten minutes of my life after Olaf to get the room ready for her and now… she wants to stay here. “Please…”. She begs and seeing her face so pleading I sigh. I don't want to insist. I think it's better to give her some space. I keep on writing silently then, stretching my arms from time to time and rubbing my eyes. This time I really feel exhausted. That idiot man on the plane kept me awake while I should have slept. I shouldn’t feel so tired. My plan went south.

 

Suddenly I hear a slight sigh and I realize that Anna has fallen asleep again. Poor girl. I shouldn't be so hard on her. I can imagine how she feels. I remember perfectly well when my father dragged me here. The cries… the yells… the fights. I tried to be strong for everyone, but I wanted to go home exactly as she wants to, now. But I couldn't and neither can she. I was a child, then, but still what I have felt must be nothing compared to what she's going through right now. Losing her mom, her friends, her house and even her family. Losing everything… At least I wasn't leaving with a complete stranger when I was taken here. I sigh and my eyes frown. What trouble did I get myself into?

 

I stand up and step in front of her. I look at her trying to understand if she’s really asleep and when I’m sure, I exit the room and I go get a blanket. I cover Anna as best as I can before sitting back at the desk to start working again. I tap on the keyboard for a while and then my eyes start burning, so I pull out a remote control from the desk’s drawer and I turn off the lights, untie my hair, take off my shoes, get back to work.