Maybe Canada Ain’t So Bad After All
I’d come to the conclusion that my life sucks and I meant very little to most people, Stella had made it very clear that she wanted a divorce and our marriage was over. Well my solution was to go and get drunk most nights, okay every night I either went out drinking or brought a bottle home. That was the biggest mistake of my life as it just pissed off Stella even more, and she wasted no time telling me how useless I was as a husband.
I couldn’t see any way out of the mess that had now become my life, at one point I’d thought I had everything I wanted and now it was all gone. My job was on the line too if I didn’t cut back on the booze, I managed to do my job so I don’t see why it was a problem to anyone else. Then one day someone told me to my face that I’d changed, I was moody and snapped at everyone all the time. I couldn’t see it myself, hell I’d always threatened to kick em in the head if they pissed me off.
I was at that stage when I had to get away from everything and was even considering going under cover again, what better way to escape the fuck up that I’d become. Stella was perfect in every way and I still loved her, yet I was just Stanley Raymond Kowalski the biggest loser walking. I guess that was why I took up an offer to follow a suspect and see if I could catch him on his own turf, the man was an arms dealer and was shipping illegal weapons into Chicago. The only problem was his home turf was in Canada, not that it mattered as eventually I told myself the space might help sort out my marriage problems with Stella.
So that was how I ended up here in this freezing hell hole and staying in a shitty room, by day I followed the guy and watched everything he did just waiting for him to slip up. I tried ringing Stella and she either refused to talk or just told me it was over, when I return to Chicago, I was to go my own way and leave her the hell alone.
I guess they were all right when they said I wasn’t good enough for her, well fuck this as tonight I planned to go out and get totally wasted. I’d not really checked out the nightlife in Canada, I’d had no reason to as I’d found a local liquor store nearby. For some reason I didn’t want be alone with my own creepy little thoughts tonight, I didn’t want company as such and it was more about wanting some background noise so I knew I was still alive.
I searched the internet and asked around, apparently there was a bar only ten minutes away and I would be able to walk back even if I were drunk. The bar was open until late and also had a few local bands play most nights, all I cared about was getting drunk and beyond that nothing mattered to me at all. Soon I was dressed in a pair of jeans and a clean shirt so I could just blend in, and then I arrived and found most of the people were punks and mainly there for the music. Like I said, the music was just background noise and didn’t matter to me as long as there was alcohol.
I found a corner right at the end of the bar which suited me just fine, I couldn’t see the stage and I guessed that’s why the seat was empty in the first place. Eventually I managed to order a double whiskey and pulled out my cigarettes, my other bad habit that I thought was over with. Yeah right, I guess I was slowly falling back into all my pre Stella habits, not that I cared as the drink started to cloud my brain and make it as foggy as this room.
The band was loud and good in their own way, the place was a dive though and now thick with smoke too. As for me, I just ordered one drink after another until I’d started to forget all about Stella and my fucked up past. Soon I could hardly even see straight and sat there with my arms folded on the bar with my head on them, I was supposed to be working tomorrow and knew I’d suffer once morning came and I had to get up.
The music played in the background and now a different band was up there playing, that made me wonder just how much time had slipped away while I was sat here getting drunk. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder and someone talk to me, shit I was far too gone and it took a great deal of effort to answer the man.
“Whoa you look bad man.”
“Go away please…”
“Fuckin dink, especially when here I am buying you another drink.”
I lifted my head up and saw the whiskey and then I glanced at the man near me, fuck I had no idea who he was and I didn’t give a shit either. My only concern was the booze and soon I knew I’d have to leave; I guess I might as well make the most of it before the place closes too. The man never even gave me his name and I never questioned him buying me a couple more drinks, I guess I’d drank beyond thinking about anything rationally.
“What’s with the drink anyway, tonight went well and you should be proud.”
“What the hell are ya talkin about?”
“God you can be such a bitch at times and a real drama queen.”
“Hey that’s not buddies.”
“Yeah well maybe it’s because I’m not yer buddy, shit yer just another fuckin weirdo buying me drinks.”
I looked at the man and realized he looked pissed, I also realized he was quiet well built and could over power me when I was like this. I presumed he was one of the punk crowd with the way he looked too, the man had a Mohawk and was rather good looking in his own way. Well on that note I knew it was time to leave, no way was I staying when I was thinking with my dick instead of my head. I went to get up and fell against the bar as my legs gave way, then suddenly I felt rather strong arms grab hold of me and keep me upright.
“You fuckin dink, shit just how much did you drink?”
“Apparently not enough as I can still think…”
“Okay so something must be pissing you off again, and as usual you always think the answer is in a fuckin bottle.”
“Hey ya don’t know me or know anything about my problems.”
“Yeah true as you only let people see what you want them to see.”
“Whatever, how about you just fuck off and leave me the hell alone?”
“Hey that’s not buddies… well fuck you as I’m outta here.”
The man instantly let go of me and my legs gave way and before I knew what was happening, I was on the floor in a heap. Shit I was pathetic and couldn’t even manage to get the fuck back up, then the arms were there once more and the man was pulling me back up and leading me away from the bar.
“Look I think you better get horizontal before you fall down again.”
“God, I feel really sick…”
“Just hold on.”
The man led me through the bar and towards an open door that led outside, then I found myself in some filthy alley throwing up the entire contents of my stomach. I felt like I was dying and wanted to sleep until this all went away, not that it would as I’d still have one hell of a hangover come tomorrow morning. I realized that I’d even thrown up on my tee shirt and was in a right state, yeah good old pathetic Ray that was no good for anything.
“Hey are you okay now?”
“No, my head hurts and I just want to sleep.”
“Where are we goin?”
“I’ll help you get cleaned up and then you can rest.”
“Because that’s what buddies do.”
Suddenly his arm went around my waist and he helped me walk along the alley without collapsing, the bloke seemed okay and he actually acted like I was a friend and I needed that right now. So that was why I just let him lead me to wherever he wanted to take me, anywhere was okay if I got to lay down and go to sleep. Soon we were entering a cheap motel room and straight away I noticed the bed, then to my surprise the man just dropped me onto the bed and went into the bathroom. I lay here and slowly my mind drifted and then my eyes started to close, in some ways I was just thankful that Stella couldn’t see me now.
“Hey wake up.”
“What, shit no I just want to sleep.”
“At least take your tee shirt off and clean your face.”
I pulled the offending top over my head and dropped it on the floor, I then took the cloth and cleaned my face the best I could under the circumstances. Then as soon as the man walked away, I lay back down and closed my eyes once more, fuck and then they flew open as I felt the mattress dip.
“What the fuck!”
“Hey don’t flatter yourself Billy, I just want some sleep and it’s not like you haven’t shared a bed with me before.”
“Who the fuck’s Billy and who the fuck are you?”
“Shit you must be really fuckin wasted, have you takin something other than the alcohol?”
“Fuck this, I’m outta here as I’m not that fuckin drunk.”
I went to get up and couldn’t even manage to stand, it didn’t help either when the man just lay there laughing at me. Well fuck him and fuck this, I was mature enough and could stay here without anything untoward happening between us. In the end I just lay back down and closed my eyes, soon I was drifting into a deep sleep and thinking about Stell and the life I had.
Later I opened my eyes as I struggled to breathe, not that it took me long to realize the reason why. I felt the hot mouth upon my own and the tongue that was deep inside my own mouth. I couldn’t help myself as I kissed that mouth with everything that I had, shit and then I suddenly realized it wasn’t Stella and that it was a man. I tried to turn my head away but the man was relentless and wouldn’t let me move, then finally I managed to push him away and turn my head sideways and away from him.
“What the fuck Is your problem, Billy?”
“I’m not Billy, My name’s Ray and I’m a cop.”
“Your also fuckin delusional and certifiable right now.”
“Just get the fuck away from me and leave me alone.”
“You’re nothing more than a fuckin cock tease Billy, you lead me on for years and then try pulling all this shit.”
“In your dreams Billy boy. Just remember that I’m Joe Dick and that I always get what I want when it comes to you Billiam.”
Fuck this was getting way out of hand and I had to get the hell outta here, I was at least thankful that I still wore my jeans and shoes. The man had hands that were wandering everywhere and it was really starting to freak me out, then suddenly he stopped and knelt up on the bed, at first I thought he’d come to his senses until he pulled something out of his pocket. Within seconds he was back on me and pushing something into my mouth, god then his hand clamped hard on my mouth until I had no choice but to swallow the small pill.
“Sweat dreams Billy, and just remember that you asked for this.”
I woke later on and it took me a few minutes to get my bearings, and that was when I remembered waking up and the man kissing me. Oh fuck and then that was when I remembered the pill, and also passing out straight afterwards. I knew I had to pull myself together and move, I tried to sit up and suddenly an agonizing pain made it hard to do such a simple act. Then I realized a couple of things at once and my stomach heaved, within seconds I was leant over the bed and throwing up once again.
I’d realized that I was naked for one, also that the pain was coming from my ass and that meant just one thing. My brain didn’t want to register the facts that were there, I guess I didn’t want to admit that it was possible to be raped, especially as I were a cop and a fuckin man too. Eventually I staggered towards the bathroom and looked in the mirror, I didn’t even recognize the face that stared back at me and that scared the hell outta me. I saw the bruises that were on my hips in the shape of finger marks and couldn’t deny what had happened, shit and then I thought about other things like sexually transmitted diseases.
I looked around the bathroom and saw no sign of any condoms, finally I went to check out the bedroom too without any luck. Shit I had to know if he’d come inside me or I’d go mad thinking about it. In the end I went back into the bathroom and prepared mentally to examine myself, my ass hurt and felt really bruised so it hurt like a bitch, yet I still slowly pushed my finger inside and checked for any damage. I was thankful that there was only a minimal amount of blood, however I could no longer deny the fact that he’d come inside me.
I returned to the bedroom and grabbed my jeans and shoes, one look and I realized I couldn’t put my tee shirt back on as it was still covered in dry vomit. In the end I found one over on a chair and knew it would have to do, at least I hadn’t thrown up on my jacket and that was still wearable. Everything was still inside the pockets including my wallet and motel key, not that I had any form of id to prove I wasn’t this Billy bloke. It was a night off and I didn’t want anyone here knowing that I was a cop so my badge was back in the motel. All I wanted was to go back there and take a hot shower, then afterwards I wanted to call off this case and get the hell back to Chicago.
Within half an hour I was back at the motel, the walk and fresh air had cleared my head somewhat. Now I planned to wash away all the evidence of the previous nights’ activities, I wanted to wash it all away and pretend that it had never happened. This Joe thought I was someone else and had no idea who I really was, and I had no intention of ever mentioning this again so no one would ever know about it. I was a fuckin cop and not some victim, I’d never live it down if people learnt the truth about me either.
Finally, I felt somewhat clean and then I dressed, I looked in the mirror once more and realized I looked different now. Shit would everyone see it and know what I’d become without me even opening my mouth, that or I was just being paranoid and had to deal with it fast. In the end I decided to call the nineteenth precinct and speak to the lieutenant there, I had to convince him that it there was no point staying out here. I was even paranoid that my voice would give me away and everyone there would know before I even returned, I hadn’t even realized I’d blanked out until the lieutenant spoke to me.
“Detective Kowalski, it’s good of you to finally call in.”
“I’d have called in sooner but ya know what it’s like Sir.”
“So, what about the case, has there been any developments detective?”
“No, look I think it’s a waste of time and the Canadian police should deal with it now.”
“What makes you say that?”
“The guy has disappeared and I could be stuck out here months waiting for him to show.”
“Well, it’s not as if you have anything else to do right now detective Kowalski.”
“No apart from going mad that is, shit it’s cold here sir and I hate it.”
“It’s not meant to be a holiday, Kowalski.”
“Look I’ll do anything as long as it gets me outta here and back home Sir.”
“You say you’ll do anything detective?”
“Yeah, just name it.”
“Well, the twenty seventh need an agent for some undercover work, and that’s all I can offer you right now too.”
“How long’s it for Sir?”
“Indefinitely, cop named Vecchio has gone undercover and deep within the mob.”
“So, I just pretend to be him then, yeah I guess I can do that.”
“Good, you will need to be on a plane today as the job starts in a few days, I’ll have all the paperwork ready for you and you’ll need to read it all detective. Learn it all as come Monday you will be Detective Raymond Vecchio, you will also have to move into his place and live as if you are him. You will need to learn all about his cases and leave your own life behind.”
“Well, I won’t be leaving a lot behind Sir, I’m in the middle of a divorce and my own life is just going downhill fast right now. Maybe it will do me good to escape and be someone else for a while, well as long as Vecchio has doesn’t have any enemies that I should know about.”
“Everything will be in the files with regards to his past and his strange friends, just make sure you report to Lieutenant Welsh first thing Monday morning.”
‘Yeah, I will do and thanks for this Sir.”
“Yeah, Well just make sure you don’t let me down.”
I hung up and then called the airport, within hours I was on a plane back to Chicago and Canada was becoming a distant memory. Except that it never happened like that though, I took the job as Vecchio and tried to leave my own fucked up life behind. I did okay most days and liked working with the people at the twenty seventh precinct, night was a different matter altogether though as that was when the nightmares came.
I was still doing my job and was good at what I do, I just couldn’t settle and most of the time I behaved like someone that was on speed or a serious overdose of caffeine. Vecchio was Italian and had one hell of a large family that I got on well with, Ma Vecchio always wanted me to go there once a week for dinner as she believed I didn’t eat properly. It helped me with the undercover work though, as I soon knew far more about Vecchio’s past than I did my own.
I learned that the man had very few friends and only one real friend, I learnt all about the Mountie that had liaised with Vecchio and how they were inseparable, in some ways I felt jealous that he had one good friend as it was far more than what I had. I’d come back to Chicago and had no one to talk to, so even to this day no one knew about what had happened to me in Canada.
I was starting to believe that it was all my own fault anyway, I was the idiot that had drank until I could no longer even stand. Also, I was a detective and knew all about abuse, yet I’d gone with the man willingly and hadn’t even fought back. I guess that was why I thought I deserved what I got, maybe some would see it as irrational and that I wasn’t to blame. Shit was he to blame either, the man thought I was someone he’d known for years and not who I am.
Fuck none of it makes and sense I guess, no one has the right to use someone like that even if they are a friend. My mood kept changing from day to day and then Welsh wanted to see me in his office, the word going around was that the Mountie was returning. I knew Welsh would tell him all about Vecchio and that I was undercover, I also knew I’d have to work along him and for some reason I resented the man already and I hadn’t even met him.
I wondered if it was because I wasn’t Vecchio and he’d hate me for replacing him, or was it the fact he was Canadian and I wanted no reminders of that country ever again. Fuck I was acting like a five year old and that wasn’t fair on the Mountie, shit and then when he finally arrived I was hyped up on the many cups of coffee I’d just drank.
Straight away I noticed the man was good looking and the uniform stood out above everything else, yet he was so fuckin strange it was beyond belief. The man insisted that I wasn’t Vecchio despite everyone telling him I was. Well, I just went with the flow and did my job; shit I even saved his fuckin life despite all the shit he’d pulled on me. The man was determined to prove I wasn’t his partner, then he had the nerve to ask me out for dinner and I saw red.
“It’s just dinner, Ray…”
“I work with you Fraser and then we go home afterwards, ya can’t treat me like shit and then expect me to do as you want.”
“Ray, can you try and be reasonable, I can’t see why you need to act this way.”
“Do not do that Fraser, do not turn this all around and put it on me.”
“Well, the real Ray Vecchio would have dinner with me.”
“Whoa that’s low for a Mountie Fraser, fine I’ll have dinner with you and then you can leave me the fuck alone.”
“As you wish, Ray.”
Okay so maybe I was acting immature, I knew though that having someone this close was doing my fuckin head in too. We walked out and soon found my car, then it all went to hell as Fraser put his arm on my shoulder and freaked out.
“Don’t touch me like that, Fraser.”
“Sorry, I assure you that I never meant you any harm, Ray.”
“I don’t like it when someone touches me like that.”
“I find that hard to believe Ray, especially considering the fact you touch me all the time.”
“Yeah, well I don’t so get used to it or else.”
“Ray, there’s no need to be so hostile, look I’m here as a friend if you need to talk about it.”
“What do ya mean by that?”
“Has something happened to you Ray as your behaviour is so odd, it’s as if you want a friend and yet you’re afraid to let them in.”
“Nothing has happened to me so get that into your thick head.”
“Ray, there’s no need to shout or get worked up like that, I’m trying to help you as a friend and your partner.”
“I don’t need your help and ya know nothing about me, look I’m not hungry anymore and you’ll have to have dinner on your own.”
I couldn’t get back into the car fast enough, I then screeched out of the car park so I could get away from Fraser. The man seemed to be far more intelligent than I’d given him credit for, it was as if he could see right into me and knew what had happened to me. Soon I made it home and slammed the apartment door behind me and was safe once more, well until morning came and I had to face Fraser again.
I was losing it bigtime and was falling apart, most people thought I was strange at the best of times and had never even questioned my behaviour. The Mountie was different though, one day and he knew I was hiding something serious from him and that scared me. How the hell could we work together if I had to hide from him, also he claimed that he was my friend and that was strange to me, the man was Vecchio’s, no one ever wanted to be my friend when I was Raymond Kowalski. Then he was also Canadian and they were strange, they all wanted to be best buddies with you and I wasn’t used to shit like that.
I knew it was totally irrational, yet part of me worried that he wanted to be far more than a friend. Fraser was right and I did touch him a lot despite not even knowing him. I guess he’d made me feel wanted and I liked having a friend around, hell even if it was just by default. This would not work though if it was all one way, shit I’d have to come up with a way to let Fraser into my life without freaking out all the time.
I’d arrived back in Chicago the find the real Ray Vecchio gone, and then I had to deal with the man who was replacing him so that he’d be safe. The man was rather different and wasn’t even Italian, that was why I’d wanted to find out who he really was so I could understand him better. So, it appeared that his real name was Stanley Raymond Kowalski, and everything in his file was exemplary. Kowalski even had three citations and appeared to be a good detective, yet this was not the man that I’d had to deal with and that worried me.
I had far more reason to worry after he left me standing alone in the station’s car park, Ray Vecchio was my friend and his welfare depended on this man who had very little control, that was the reason I couldn’t stand back and watch this reckless behaviour any longer. I’d returned back to my own place; well it was actually my office at the consulate as that was all I had for now. I set my alarm as I had no idea if Ray would even pick me up in the morning or if I’d have to walk, not that it mattered either way as I liked walking and it was good for Dief too. I would have rather talked to Ray alone in the car first though to see where we stood, it was far better to do it there than in the middle of the station with everyone watching.
I remembered something from Ray’s file that might give me some common ground, apparently Ray had visited Canada on a case and that was something I knew a lot about. Basically, I had to get him talking and away from his reckless behaviour, with a bit of help the detective would be far easier to work with and deal with. The next morning arrived and Ray was outside waiting for me, however I soon realized that talking to him about anything was going to be extremely difficult and I’d have my work cut out for me.
“Thank you for coming Ray.”
“Ray we need to talk about yesterday and your behaviour.”
“What the fuck are ya talking about?”
“Shit are ya serious Fraser?”
“Ray your behaviour raises lots of questions, you are a detective and are also responsible for the welfare of the real Ray Vecchio. Ray Vecchio is my friend and I don’t want to see anything happen to him, you have to understand that Ray and know that I speak the truth.”
Great five minutes was all it took to set Ray off again, I was suddenly slammed against the dash as he slammed the breaks on and just sat there staring straight ahead.
“Get out of the car right now, Fraser.”
“As you wish, Ray.”
I got out of the car and just stood there expecting Ray to drive off and leave me there, yet he actually pulled the car over to the side of the road and got out. I knew this was bad as Ray was hyped and ready for a fight, funny how I could read the man in such a short time. Ray was edgy and couldn’t stand still when he was worked up about something, then there was this vein that always stood out on his forehead.
“Ray, what are you doing?”
“Why do ya care?”
“Ray, you’re my partner and friend.”
“No, Ray Vecchio is your friend, shit I’m just some fuckin imposter that no one gives a shit about.”
“Ray, please… You are my friend too and your behaviour is unreasonable, I just can’t ignore how you risk the life of a good man along with your own.”
“Cut the crap, Fraser.”
“Ray, don’t force me to go and see lieutenant Welsh…”
“Do not do that Fraser, ya talk behind my back and this is all over and done with.”
“Ray, I will only do it if you force me into it and give me no choice.”
“Yer just like all the rest…”
Ray moved fast which was nothing unusual for him, I just wasn’t expecting him to lose it and actually strike me like he did. We were both just stood there and neither one of us knew what to say, then Ray finally lifted up his head and spoke to me.
“Do what ya want, Fraser, see Welsh and ask for a different partner if I’m not good enough for ya.”
“You are good enough Ray and that’s why I’m trying to help you, I don’t want to see you get hurt or self destruct.”
“No, you’re not okay and you have to realize that, I presume that something has happened to you and made you behave this way?”
“Do ya want me to kick ya head in, Frase?”
“That’s not very mature Ray, and that’s the problem.”
“What, so are ya sayin I behave like a fuckin kid? Do ya wanna see Welsh and get me to lose my shield, or are ya sayin I don’t cut it as a detective?”
“Well Ray… it’s just that in Canada we…”
I never even got to say another word as Ray jumped me, it was so sudden and I lost my footing as he pinned me to the ground. It was as if he was possessed and I was afraid of how far he would go, so in the end I had to roll over so he was underneath me and restrained.
“Get the fuck off me, Fraser…”
“Please calm down, Ray. I don’t understand what is wrong or what I said to trigger this reaction…”
“I don’t want to listen to ya or about what ya all do in Canada.”
“Ray, did something happen to you in Canada?”
“Shut the fuck up will ya.”
“As you wish, Ray, just please understand that this changes or we can’t work together.”
“Whatever, just get off me then or I will hit you again.”
I got up and held my hand out to Ray, it was a way of helping him up and also a hand of friendship. To which I was actually surprised when Ray accepted it, so I was now stood here holding the hand of my partner and feeling things that I shouldn’t be feeling. Ray was my partner and I knew I shouldn’t see him in that way, also the man was far too unstable to have any form of relationship with.
I knew that this had gone too far and Welsh would order me to get help if Fraser spoke to him, which I had to admit was looking more likely considering I’d just hit him. Shit and then he had to get up and close until I freaked once more, okay it was only mentally as my body appeared to like having the Mountie so close. Whoa that was way out there and a bad idea, I’d had enough shit when it came to sex and Fraser was way too straight and off limits. God and then like an idiot I realized we were stood there holding hands, I turned bright red and pulled my hand away like I’d been burnt or something.
“Ray, Ray, Ray…”
“Yeah what? Sorry I got a little bit lost there.”
“I’m willing to try again, as I believe at this juncture it’s all that we can do.”
“So ya not goin to snitch on me then, Frase?”
“No Ray, I’m not going to snitch on you.”
“Look I’m sorry that I hit ya.”
“We have agreed to put the past behind us Ray and move on.”
So that was what we had done, or what Fraser thought we’d done. I knew how to work undercover and could change to suit the occasion and be the person I had to be. Okay to cut all the crap, I was putting on a mask and pretending to be someone else when Fraser was around. I actually found him to be a really good person and he was there when I needed him to be, admittingly the man was still a freak at times and had some seriously fucked up ideas.
I still went off the rail now and again without Fraser reading much into it, after all he saw the normal me too and sometimes, I acted all crazy and needy. I learnt how to keep the nightmares hidden and that was hard, especially as I was hardly eating and starting to look like shit now. I knew the reason why and also that I’d lied to myself for months, memories were surfing that I’d tried to block out and pretend never happened.
At first the nightmares had become more graphic and I woke up screaming, then I was back in that room and suddenly the whole night hit me like a fuckin brick. My brain had tried to hide it all and I believed I’d slept through it all, and now I knew different and I couldn’t hide from the fact I was raped. Straight afterwards I believed the tablet he gave me had knocked me out cold, now I had the truth coming out and it scared the hell out of me.
The man was stronger than me and I was too drunk to fight back, he’d then drugged me and removed all my clothing as I tried to stay focused. Then he’d bent my arm behind my back and whispered shit into my ear, I was his and he was going to do to me what he’d always wanted to do. Now I can remember how I’d screamed as he forced his erection deep inside me, then all I got was a hand over my mouth silencing me once more. I cried like a baby as he raped me and used me like I was nothing, he even threatened to break my fingers if I didn’t lay still and behave. The man claimed my life would be over if I couldn’t play the guitar anymore, I had no idea what he was talking about and wasn’t risking him damaging my hands when I use a gun in my job.
In the end I lay there and had to deal with the abuse, and it was only now that I was close to getting my test results back. Hell, maybe it was the thought of aids and what had happened that had triggered all this again. Fraser tried to get me to eat and looked worried, I guess he knew to remain quiet as I might kick off and hit him again and that wouldn’t be good for either of us. Then I had Vecchio’s ma moaning at me for not going around, I couldn’t go because she would force me to eat and then I ‘d start throwing up again.
Most things made me sick lately and it was getting harder to focus, especially as I couldn’t even keep the coffee down and my body was in caffeine withdrawal right now. It even got to the point of Welsh calling me into his office, I managed to convince him that I was okay and there was no need to worry. Yeah right, I was the one who started to worry knowing my time could be up if Welsh kept to his word.
I was to buck up my ideas and pull myself together, I couldn’t be a good detective if I kept zoning out all the time and my brain was elsewhere. That was when he threatened to ask Fraser if I was okay and what his opinion was with regards to my health, well fuck that as no way would the Mountie lie if asked something outright.
In the end I had to force myself to eat when Fraser was with me, then afterwards I’d just go and throw it all back up without him even knowing. I had even taken to wearing a couple of tee shirts under my jacket to hide how thin I was starting to look; my job was all I had left and I wouldn’t survive without it. Stella was a distant memory now and I had no one else to help me through this. At the end of the day, I was a detective and should have known what needed doing, I could have gone to see a shrink at any point without anyone here knowing about it but I didn’t. In true Kowalski style, I just brushed it all under the carpet and pretended that it wasn’t happening to me.
I knew things with Ray were getting far worse than before, I wasn’t a stupid man and could see that his health was deteriorating fast. Oh yes, he thought I was oblivious to it all and that included his little trips to the bathroom. One day I’d followed him as I wanted to wash my hands, then I’d opened the door and all I could hear were the sounds of him violently retching. I also soon learnt that it was a pattern and he was doing it after every meal we ate together, that led me to wonder if the pattern was the same when he was alone or if he didn’t eat once no one was watching him.
I also started to wonder if he was forcing the issue and possibly had an eating disorder, or was it his own body that refused to hold on to the nourishment that it so badly needed. I had no idea and decided to wait a few more days before bringing the subject up, we were busy anyway and was working a case that had happened in the local mall. It would appear that Ray was also struggling to remember what had happened and that wasn’t like him, Inspector Thatcher and Lieutenant Welsh were no better either for that matter. Ray was my partner and we’d worked together for a few months now, and I damn well knew that his brain was normally far sharper than this.
I’d offered to hypnotise Inspector Thatcher and see if we could shed some light onto the case, only to later realize that I’d hypnotised everyone in the room and had some control over them. I knew that it would last a few days and then the key word would no longer work, I did have fun though as I got the Inspector to relieve me of my duties earlier than planned. Ray was actually smiling and he looked so happy, that was when I realized that he was gorgeous and that I was falling in love with the man, I had to have the real Ray back here with me as I missed him so much.
I was miles away and thinking about how young he looked when he was happy, that was also when I realized he was watching me as I stared at him. That was also when his face changed and he started frowning once more, the happiness was brief and something had sent him back into his world of gloom and suffering. I knew he needed help and as his friend I had to find a way, then suddenly a thought entered my had and I realized there might be away after all. It went against my beliefs and I knew it was wrong to do it, yet I had to convince myself it was necessary to help Ray keep his job and get his health back. One little word, all I had to say was cauliflower and I’d be able to get Ray to say or do anything.
For now, we had to deal with this case and that meant I had to be careful, I didn’t want to unduly upset Ray or put him on edge either. A few weeks ago, Ray had invited me back to his place to work on some files, then to my surprise it had become a routine and I was over there at least three or four times a week. So that was going to be my big plan, I would fabricate some case at the consulate and ask Ray for his advice knowing we’d go back to his apartment as it wasn’t his case.
“Frase, are ya okay there buddy?”
“Sorry, Ray. I guess I was doing a bit of wool gathering.”
“Yer a freak, Frase!”
“Hmmm, sorry what was that, Ray.”
“Get with it, Frase.”
“Don’t hmm me, Frase. Look somethings bothering ya so just spit it out will ya…”
“Inspector Thatcher wants me do deal with a couple of consulate matters and I’m unsure how.”
“I don’t get it Frase, ya should know as it’s what ya do.”
“I guess I’m somewhat biased considering my position within the consulate.”
“Ah so ya want someone from the outside who’s not whatever it was ya said.”
“Biased, Ray. Yes, that was exactly what I meant.”
“Well, I could help ya Frase, I’m not all bia… whatever you call it.”
“I would really appreciate that Ray, how about I come around after work and we can get something to eat too.”
“Sounds good, Frase, ya don’t need to get food though as I’m okay.”
“Ray, how can you know that when it’s only mid afternoon now, not that it matters as Dief will soon eat anything we don’t.”
I’d noticed Ray’s mood change when I’d mention food and I didn’t want to upset him and send him back into hiding, I guess that was why I’d suggested Dief eating it and that it wasn’t a problem. I knew that Ray would shut me out and wouldn’t even have me over if I pushed him too hard and this was something that I had to do, I wasn’t willing to sit by any longer and watch such a bright talented man self destruct.
We worked hard and eventually the case was solved and the correct person was arrested, Ray had sulked because he said I was the one that was reckless and never thought things through. So, in the end I behaved like a good little Mountie and apologised for my behaviour. Come the end of the day we left on good terms and arranged to meet at his place in a couple of hours, first I wanted to go over to the consulate and change clothes, oh and make up some bogus case while I were there.
I was soon ready and this felt more casual now I was out of uniform, I wanted Ray to feel relaxed and not see me as some sort of threat tonight, I called Dief and then we walked over to Ray’s apartment. I’d considered getting something to eat but decided to also leave that up to Ray, tonight was about making him relax and finding out what his problems where so I could help him move forward.
I arrived back home and decided to take a shower and change into something more comfortable, well that was if I actually had anything clean to wear. In the end I found some old sweat pants and a tee shirt that just fit, and that was when I knew I’d have to spend my weekend doing laundry and cleaning this place up. I looked around and knew I couldn’t let Fraser see how bad it was as he’d start with the Mountie speech, so like a good little detective I got to work.
Cleaning was easy when I just shoved the mess out of sight until later, I liked Fraser and wondered how he put up with someone like me though. Ha, maybe I could get Frase to hypnotise me, that way he could order me to clean the place without me even knowing about it. Well to be honest, the whole hypnotising thing had really freaked me out earlier as I have so many secrets and could have slipped up in the worst way possible. It scared the hell out of me considering Welsh and Thatcher were in the same room with us.
Tonight, would be good and I liked having Fraser and the wolf over, I guess I spent far too much time alone and wallowing in my past and what had happened to me. I’d bumped into Stella as I was leaving the station earlier and that always pissed me off, the women’s main goal was to belittle me and she was good at it too. I guess that was why I had to question Fraser at times, hell I wasn’t good enough for Stella never mind the Mountie. I had to accept that Fraser wanted to be my friend regardless of how little I felt for myself, then I also knew I didn’t want to be without him now we were friends.
It was time to man up and stop pissing everyone off, I knew Welsh wanted me to see someone with regards to my volatile temper. Fraser was different though and I couldn’t put my finger on it, well apart from the fact I was jealous when anyone came near him and paid him attention. Shit no way was I admitting that I loved, I mean fancied the man and it was getting harder to keep my little secret as I had so many now. I guess I knew it would all be over if Fraser ever found out, the man would be on a plane and going back to Canada as fast as he could. Finally, I heard the door and went to let Fraser in, Dief just rushed past me and claimed his usual spot on my couch.
“Good evening, Ray.”
“Make yerself at home, Frase. Do ya want some tea or even a beer?”
“Tea would be good, Ray.”
I made the tea and grabbed a couple of beers while I was in the kitchen, all I wanted was something to relax me so I could sit without feeling so on edge with Fraser here. Normally I could handle it and just go with the flow, tonight though Frase looked so relaxed and kept smiling all the time. Okay So I felt as if he knew something I didn’t and I didn’t want to fight tonight, also he was looking as sexy as hell as he sat there licking his bottom lip like that. I guess it was times like this I was thankful for the sweatpants I wore as jeans would be rather restricting, I handed Fraser his tea and sat down as fast as I could.
“Thank you kindly.”
“No problem, Frase. So, what’s this thing ya need help with?”
“The Canadian government are trying to track a wanted felon; it’s highly sensitive Ray and they want it all done hush hush.”
“Jeez what did they do Frase, piss on the queen or somethin?”
Soon we got down to work, well Fraser talked and I just sat there watching him and pretend to listen. Later Frase asked me a question and I realized I had no idea what he’d said, shit I was so busy watching him and had switched off some time ago.
“Ray, Ray, Ray…”
“Sorry, what did ya say, Frase?”
“Oh dear, this is all my fault Ray and you must be tired after working all day. I had no right expecting you to deal with this after work, how about we order something to eat and just take a break to regroup ourselves.”
“Yeah whatever, I’ll order a pizza or somethin.”
“Very well, Ray.”
I ordered the pizza knowing I wouldn’t eat any of it, maybe Frase would be tired and he wouldn’t even notice as the last thing I wanted was to be sick with him in my apartment. Well, the food arrived and at least Dief looked excited about the pizza and that gave me an idea, maybe I could distract Fraser and just feed my share to the wolf when he wasn’t looking. So, that was exactly what I did, well the first two pieces anyway before Fraser called me on it.
“Ray, please eat the food, as you are far more in need of it than Dief.”
“Chill Frase, I’m eating it and don’t see what yer problem is.”
“Ray, I’m far from stupid.”
“I never said ya were, Frase.”
“I’ve just sat and watched you feed it all to Dief, you have not even taken a single bite, Ray.”
“Hey I’m good Frase, I could eat it all but that wouldn’t be fair on you or Dief.”
“Humour me then, Ray.”
“Whatcha talkin about, Frase?”
“I want you to sit there and eat one slice, do that and I’ll stop bothering you with regards to your eating habits.”
“You can’t do it can you, Ray.”
“Fuckin stubborn Mountie.”
I picked up a slice and sat staring at it for a minute or so, then I had to force myself to eat the whole slice so Fraser would get the hell off my back. All was okay until my stomach started rebelling and making strange noises, so I just downed the rest of the beer and claimed I had to take a leak.
I waited until Ray had left the room and then followed him to the bathroom, and I had to admit that it was heart breaking listening to him as he threw up. Something was really wrong here and Ray as a detective must know that, I’d noticed he was really sick within seconds of entering the bathroom too. Now I was starting to believe that he wasn’t forcing the issue so to speak, this wasn’t a self inflicted eating disorder and his body was refusing to keep the food down. I thought about how much it hurt me to see him like this, then the look on his face was even worse as he walked into me and realized I knew.
“Don’t Frase, don’t say a fuckin word as ya have no right following me and spying on me.”
“I’m sorry, Ray. Look I can go if that’s what you want?”
“Yeah, I want you gone, hell I want ya gone permanently too.”
“You don’t mean that, Ray.”
“Maybe tomorrow I won’t, but right now I want ya gone so I can think.”
“As you wish.”
“Shit ya just act like nothing’s wrong with what ya do, Frase…”
I’d underestimated Ray and should have remembered that he could move fast, his fist was just a few centimetres from my face when I managed to grab it. Ray had hit me once and I didn’t want that again or the strain it would put on us, our relationship already had enough ups and downs as it were with Ray’s temperamental behaviour. That was when I knew the time had come to set my plan in motion, I had to learn the reason behind Ray’s anger and weight loss.
“Ray, I’m not going to let you hit me again, look I think it’s time we talked about all this don’t you?”
“You can let go of me; I swear I won’t hit ya Frase.”
“Ray, sit down on the couch so we can talk.”
I watched as Ray obeyed me and went to sit down on the couch, now I just had to figure out where to start with the questioning. Maybe I should start with a few easy questions and just take it from there, as I wanted this over with as violating his trust went against everything that I stood for, also I was betraying my friend.
“I’m your friend Ray and want to help you, that can only happen if you tell me what makes you sick when you eat. So, can you do that Ray, tell me the reason as I need to know.”
“I don’t know…”
“I think you do Ray.”
“The nightmares I guess.”
“Have you talked to anyone about the nightmares, Ray?”
“No one to talk to I guess.”
That worried me, just the thought of Ray feeling all alone and having no one to talk to about his problems. I also had to wonder if he actually saw me as a friend or even trusted me, I knew it was wrong to ask when he was like this and I just couldn’t stop myself.
“Ray, am I your friend?”
“So, why can’t you talk to me about your nightmares?”
“Because you’ll see me as weak and ya won’t wanna be my partner anymore.”
“Oh Ray, I’d never think that of you and I could never give you up as my partner. Tell me what you want Ray, what can I do that will help you and make all of this somewhat better?”
“I want you to kiss me.”
I had to admit that I hadn’t seen that one coming and Ray had totally blindsided me, yet I knew that he could fall apart if I refused him something so simple and easy to do. I took Ray in my arms and soon my mouth was upon his and I was kissing him, Ray was moaning and I knew this had to end before either one of us got carried away. I was there thinking Ray was the straight one, yet here he was trying to force his tongue deep inside my mouth. Something didn’t feel right though and I realized my face was wet, that was when I pulled back and also noticed that Ray was actually crying.
I’d got so side tracked by his request and had forget all about the main goal, I was still to learn what was wrong with Ray, it wasn’t as if I could ever mention the kiss again as Ray would know what I did. I had to get back to the questioning and I knew my next question might get me somewhere, I knew that something had happened to him in Canada as he always became defensive when I mentioned it, now it was time to mention it again.
“Ray, are the nightmares related to your time in Canada?”
“I need you to tell me what happened to you while you were there, as I was led to believe you were on a case at the time.”
“Yeah, I was on a case, I was also depressed about Stella and my divorce and had started drinking. It was the end of the day anyway and I was off duty, I went to a bar and drank until I couldn’t even stand up…”
“Ray, keep going please, I know it’s hard but you’re doing so well.”
“A man at the bar called Joe Dick helped me up and I ended up in his motel room, I’d thrown up and I had to take off my tee shirt as it was filthy and stunk. Shit all I wanted to do was lay down so the room would stop spinning, then I was naked and he was threatening to break all my fingers if I didn’t lay still and stop fighting him. He kept saying my life would be over if I couldn’t play the guitar anymore, look I’m a cop and I need my fingers to use my gun…”
“Slow down a bit Ray and take some deep breaths, it’s perfectly normal to give in if you’re at risk of harm.”
“He forced a pill into my mouth and I became rather weak, he wouldn’t shut up though and he kept telling me he was just giving me what I’d always wanted. I couldn’t stop him, it hurt so much and afterwards I just wanted to pretend that it’d never even happened. Each night I see him in my nightmares and he just laughs at me, then he always says the same thing to me afterwards.”
“What’s that, Ray?”
“You’re mine, Billiam.”
I realized Ray was sobbing now and beyond any coherent speech, the man I loved had just told me that someone had abused and raped him and there was nothing I could do. Worse was the fact I’d just mentally raped him too. This other man used his body to get what he wanted, while I’d just used Ray’s mind to get what I wanted.
“Ray, lay down and get some sleep, soon it will be time to wake up and you won’t remember any of this.”
I watched as Ray lay down on the couch, the man was already exhausted and he was asleep within five minutes. As for me, I suddenly felt really sick and wanted to get out of here before I hurt Ray more than I already had.
I woke the next morning feeling somewhat disorientated and I was still on my couch, I did have vague memories of throwing up though while Fraser was here. Shit Fraser, last thing I could remember was asking him to leave, not that it would help me now when we had to work together most days. Talking of work, I looked at my watch and realized I had to be at the consulate in less than an hour.
Well first things first, hell even Fraser knew that I didn’t function too well until I had my morning caffeine fix. Even so it was cold by the time I’d showered and thrown some clothes on, yet I still drank it as I walked over towards the mirror. Fuckin great, I looked like shit and it showed too. The nightmares and throwing up was making me look so pale and even skinnier than I already was, even my hair refused to do anything at all this morning.
Great the experimental hair wasn’t going to be so experimental today; I was brushing it flat and I knew that it looked stupid and I didn’t care. I guess it was just another one of those things that didn’t seem important anymore, also subconsciously I believed that no one would look at me if I put no effort in. I didn’t want people to see me as good looking or bad things might happen to me; fuck I had totally flipped and soon Fraser would want me locked up and that scared me.
I was just thinking about Fraser and that I should get moving when I received a text, my informant Andreas Volpe wanted me to meet him with regards to some information. Great, I knew I’d have to call Fraser and tell him I wouldn’t be picking him up, also I might not need him until later on today.
“Frase it’s Ray.”
“Good morning Ray, how are you feeling today?”
“Frase, I can’t pick you up as I have to meet someone this morning.”
“Actually, I was going to call you Ray with regards to that very matter.”
“Inspector Thatcher is going away and I’m needed here for a few days.”
“You never told me how you’re feeling this morning.”
“We need to talk Frase, ya know about things like privacy and personal space.”
“Understood, Ray. I care about you that’s all.”
“We can talk later Frase as I have to go now.”
“Very well, make sure you take care, Ray.”
“Yeah. Look I’ll call by later for that talk.”
“As you wish.”
I hung up on Frase and searched for my keys, then I even got to my door and realized I hadn’t even picked up my badge or gun. Great and they trust me in public with it, well now I was five minutes late by the time I had the holster on and my gun with me. The meet was only five minutes away from the consulate and that gave me an idea, I would get this over with and then I’d pay Fraser and unexpected visit. I was the type of person that had to deal with things as they happened, that or it would all eat away at me as the day wore on.
I didn’t want to fall out with Fraser and we really did need to set some rules, oh yeah rules that only applied when it suited me. Fraser wasn’t to follow me or even touch me, yet I was free to touch him all the time and get right up in his face. I was still thinking about it all when my informant showed up, then it all went to hell and my whole life was falling apart.
My informant was dead and I’d been knocked out, the scariest part was not knowing whether I was the one that killed him or not. Then the cops showed up and the first thing I did was run, yeah straight into the arms of the very man I was complaining about. I ran as fast as I could towards the Canadian consulate even scaring everyone as I entered, well all I’d managed to do was to collapse to the floor and scream for Fraser like some small child.
“Ray, come into my office and let me look at you, also I will need to clean up that wound too while you tell me about your informant.”
“The guy's a psycho. He's been running his own little operation on the south side for a year or so. Drugs, guns, prostitution - your basic American dream. Ow!”
“What is that?”
“It will prevent infection. You were discussing Mr. Volpe?”
“It smells. . . The word is he's getting ambitious lately, so naturally I'm anxious for a face-to-face. I get there, and it's a setup.”
“You think somebody hit you?”
“This stuff smells. . . I don't remember. I wake up, Volpe's dead, and I got this Uniform blasting away like Yosemite Sam - bang, bang, bang. I take off.”
“And you have no idea what happened to Mr. Volpe?”
“This stuff really stinks. . . Ah, somebody shot him. It could've been anybody. It could've been me.”
“What is that?”
“It's a concoction I made from the mucus membrane of a pregnant. . . It's not important. What is important, if I may recap, is that you were lured to a meeting with a gangland figure, and at this meeting, the gangland figure was murdered, an event of which you have no memory. The uniformed officer arrived, you resisted arrest, and you then fled the scene of the homicide. Do you agree these are the facts of the scenario?”
“Did I just say that or do I have a head injury?”
“Well, Ray, I'm afraid that I have no option. By the powers that are vested in me by the government of Canada, I am placing you under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you without charge. Do you understand these rights?”
Fraser was fussing over me and the smell was turning my stomach, I had visions of my coffee suddenly trying to force its way back up. Then it suddenly hit me what Fraser was actually saying to me, the man was actually reading me my rights as he arrested me. Worse was the fact we were supposed to be friends and this all felt so wrong, especially when I noticed Fraser pull out the handcuffs too.
My heart was beating fast and I felt as if I held so much power over Ray at the moment, which was wrong and also exhilarating at the same time. Then to have the man hold out his hands willingly as I placed the cuffs around his wrists, I could feel his pulse and suddenly my heart was racing and my mind was elsewhere. The man was gorgeous and looked so fragile sat there in front of me, yet here I was imagining him naked and cuffed to a bed.
“What is it, Ray?”
“Yer lookin at me really strange, Frase.”
“Is it me Frase, do ya hate me now and think I did it?”
My heart ached for the man that was sat in front of me, he’d already suffered so much and was getting close to breaking point. Oh, and just to make it worse the man he trusted wanted him in a way he shouldn’t.
“Ya do don’t ya, Frase…”
“What…Ray you’re my friend and I don’t think your capable of killing someone like that.”
“Thanks, Frase, yer the only real friend I got right now.”
I wanted to get this sorted and Ray off the hook, yet hours later it was night time and too late to do much now. I’d left Ray with Turnbull earlier and followed a few leads, all I could do was pray that come tomorrow I would have the answers I so much needed. Now though I would have to sleep with Ray here under the same roof and that would be hard, I couldn’t sleep and wanted to go to him and keep him safe from the world. In some ways I was glad when Welsh called to see us both as now, I couldn’t go to Ray, I guess I was afraid I’d take advantage of him and I knew that was wrong. Ray looked gorgeous as he stood there looking half asleep and I struggled to keep my mind on Welsh, it was only a short while later though that I did the thing I swore I wouldn’t. Okay maybe I could rationalize it by saying it was to protect Ray, it was wrong yet so easy to say the word that would let me control him. I’d heard him in the hallway and realized he was trying to leave without anyone knowing, I also realized that he sounded far more broken now than he did just an hour ago.
“Come on. . . Stupid dog, stupid dog, stupid- . . . Get out of my way. Come on!”
“Ray? Where are you going?”
“Hey, I can't wait around for Cahill and his goons to come and arrest me. I got to do something.”
“Do what, Ray? And where? Everyone in this city on both sides of the law is looking for you.”
“Well, yeah, that may be, but I gotta do something.”
“Yes, you do. You have to trust me.”
“Trust you, Fraser? I don't even know if I trust me. You know, I don't think I whacked Volpe. But I can't remember details. That might have been my finger on the trigger.”
“Ray I will go and make you some tea, in the meantime you will go into the room and remove your clothes.”
Without even another word Ray walked away and did as I asked, and then I made Dief follow him just as an added precaution. It wasn’t meant to be used to hurt Ray; I’d just panicked when I thought he was going to run out on me into unknown danger. I’d literally asked the man to trust me and I’d help him, Jesus if Ray had any idea about me, he’d run miles away to be safe. Well, I would make him his tea and then order him to get some sleep, as I myself would only sleep once I knew the man I loved was safe too.
I walked back into the room carrying a warm cup of tea for Ray. Then I entered the room and the mug nearly slipped from my fingers when I saw the sight that met me. Ray was sat down on the couch staring into nowhere, but that wasn’t the main thing that concerned me right now. Ray was sat there without a single stich of clothing on.
“Ray, where are your clothes?”
“You told me to take them off…”
I ran our earlier conversation through my brain and suddenly realized what I’d said, I’d meant for Ray to remove his coat and not completely strip out of everything. Well, I guess that’s what you get when your minds in the gutter all the time, yet I still stood here staring at him instead of telling him to dress. This was the first time I’d fully seen Ray naked and my own body was reacting to him, he was gorgeous with or without his clothes and I loved him so much. Yet I found myself going over towards him and kneeling down in front of him, oh god and then I had to use all the strength I had to keep my hands away from all that exposed flesh.
It was wrong to touch him and I knew this, it was still scary knowing I could tell him to do anything and he’d do it for me. Yeah, and I’d have to live with the guilt of what I did while he was like this, as this in itself was bordering on abuse and he didn’t need that. Then I couldn’t stop my eyes from wandering down to his groin and exposed erection, oh god Ray was watching me and he was hard. Maybe I could get him to do something without actually touching him, I knew it was still morally wrong and still went ahead regardless.
“Ray, I want you to take hold of your erection and pleasure yourself for me, stroke yourself and imagine that it’s my hand touching you and making you happy.”
I moved back and sat down on a chair facing him as he did what I’d asked, Ray was such a turn on and he had the most amazing hands and long fingers. I also soon found out that he was extremely vocal and made plenty of noise too. His hand started to get faster as it worked up and down his erection, then his other hand moved to his chest and the long fingers found his nipple. Ray was far from gentle as he pulled on the small bud and moaned in response.
I imagined what he would be like in bed as a lover, to have him laid out in front of me naked and turned on. Oh, and then I remembered the cuffs I’d used on him earlier, just the thought of keeping the man cuffed and on edge for hours as I took him apart. Then I realized that Ray was coming all over his own hand, also that I was hard and desperate with the need to come.
“Ray, go to sleep now.”
I watched as Ray closed his eyes and just lay back where he sat, well that was my cue to flee the room and go deal with my own needs.
I woke slowly and tried to force my eyes to cooperate and open, well I never claimed to be a morning person and I hated having to get out of bed. That was when I remembered where I was and that I wasn’t in a bed, so I forced my eyes open and that was when I had a major panic attack and couldn’t breathe. I was fuckin naked and I didn’t have any recollection of getting undressed, worse was when I noticed the cum all over my own hand. Suddenly I was back in Canada and waking up in that room, then I started screaming as I knew what someone had done to me.
Oh god I had to get my fuckin head together and fast, well considering this was the Canadian consulate and Fraser would hear me. I had to keep telling myself this wasn’t the same as before, I guess I had bad memories from the last time I woke up naked. Then the images were back and I couldn’t stand it, laying there on the bed as that man had raped me and I couldn’t even stop him. I couldn’t even stop to put my boxers back on, I just rushed out of the room and into the bathroom to throw up.
I had no idea how long I knelt in front of that toilet making strange noises, my body was heaving and my stomach hurt from trying to throw up. I guess it was hard when I had nothing in my stomach, shit and then I jumped a mile when Fraser put a hand on me.
“Breathe, Ray. Come on you’ll be okay.”
Fraser was rubbing his hand up and down my back as I fought for air, shit and then I remembered that I was naked and Fraser could see me and how pathetic I was. I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to force myself to calm down, I just wanted to get the hell out of here and put some clothes on.
“I’m okay, Frase. I just need some space so I can go and get dressed.”
“Ah, okay Ray I’ll go and make some tea.”
“I need coffee, Frase…”
“As you wish, Ray.”
I went back into the room and dressed before Fraser returned, well that or someone else turn up like Turnbull arriving for work. I had to leave Fraser to deal with it all today as I really wasn’t with it, my head hurt from thinking and I was starting to become depressed. Hell, who was I trying to kid, I was already depressed and it was just getting worse with the passing of each day. Fraser did a good job without me anyway and even cleared me of Volpe’s murder, yet I still wasn’t in the mood to appreciate what he’d done.
I moped around and was far from my usual self, Fraser moaned at me to eat and I just yelled back that it was nothing to do with him. By evening I knew it was time I left, things were already strained and I was just making things far worse. I’d spent hours just sat on the couch staring at a wall, then I only spoke if Fraser annoyed me which he was doing now.
“Ray, please eat something, then afterwards we can go and find your car.”
“I do know where I left it, Frase. Also, I ain’t hungry so drop it.”
“Ray, I only have so much patience.”
“And, what the hells that supposed to mean, Frase.”
“Eat or I’ll be forced to see Lieutenant Welsh.”
“Shit ya really would do that?”
“Language Ray, and yes I would if I thought your health was at risk.”
I picked up one of the small sandwiches he’d made and ate it in two mouthfuls.”
“There, are ya happy now, Frase?”
“Well, it’s a start.”
Suddenly my stomach started making some funny noises and I rushed to the bathroom and threw up, straight away Fraser was up in my face and pissing me off.
“I’m going home, Frase.”
“Ray, let me help you.”
“You don’t know anything, Frase. So just let me go will ya.”
“I do know, Ray. Actually I know everything.”
I had no idea what the hell Fraser was talking about, yet for some reason I felt like he knew all my darkest secrets and that scared the hell out of me. I guess it was also the way that Fraser was watching me too, shit I felt like some bug under a fuckin microscope.
“What the hell do ya know, Frase?”
“Ray, I’m so sorry and I only did it so I could help you.”
“Do what, Frase? Tell me or I’ll kick ya in the head.”
“That night in your apartment when you helped me out and we got pizza, do you remember me hearing you throw up Ray.”
“Yeah, so what’s that gotta do with this?”
“Earlier that day I’d hypnotized you all back at the station, it can take a couple of days to fully wear off.”
“Yer babbling, Frase. Look just tell me what the fuck you did.”
“I said the word that would take you back under and asked you a few questions.”
“You did what, are ya tryin to tell me that ya hypnotized me again, Frase?”
“You don’t get to do that, Frase. Fuck how could you do something as low as that?”
“I’m sorry, Ray. I just wanted to help find out what was making you sick.”
“Yeah, and what exactly did ya find out, Frase.?”
My head was pounding and I really wanted to punch Fraser, yet first I had to know what he’d asked me and how much he knew about my past. He was supposed to be my partner and friend, I just couldn’t get my head around this and I had to leave.
“Forget it, Frase. I’m outta here as I need to be alone.”
“I know about Canada, Ray. I know about you and what happened there.”
Holy shit, that one sentence stopped me dead in my tracks. I turned back towards Fraser and grabbed his shirt before pinning him to the wall. I was far more pissed than I thought was possible and I’d always had a volatile temper, I guess that was why I raised my fist and was ready to knock his fuckin lights out.
“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t hit ya Fraser.”
“I can’t, maybe you should just hit me as I deserve it.”
“Yer supposed to be my friend, do ya realize how much this fuckin hurts…”
“I am your friend and that’s why I did it, I just wanted to help deal with your problems.”
“Yeah and just what did ya learn, Fraser, pathetic needy Ray couldn’t even stop himself from getting…”
“You were raped, Ray. And you should have sought out some professional help, none of it was your fault.”
“Fuck you, Frase, don’t even say that word to me as I’ll just deny it. Look it never happened and you better get that into yer head.”
“Ray, you can’t hide from it or it will get worse, this man Joe Dick should be punished for what he did.”
“I said forget it, Fraser.”
“I’m sorry but I can’t do that, Ray.”
I brought my fist up and full on smacked Fraser in the mouth, shit and then I just let go of him and started backing away. Maybe everything would go away if I just got away from here and away from Fraser.
“We’re done, Fraser.”
“No, stay the fuck out of my life.”
I grabbed my coat off the chair and walked out on that part of my life and Fraser, all I wanted to do was collect my car and go back home to clear my head. Later today I’d hand in my badge and gun, my life as Ray Vecchio was also over and that wasn’t my problem anymore.
I didn’t know what to do and I couldn’t even see any way out of this mess, Ray had walked out on me and our partnership was over for good. I couldn’t even be mad at him for hitting me as hard as he did, then I wondered what would have happened if he knew about all the other things I’d made him do! Oh god I felt so sick and couldn’t face dealing with anyone right now as they would see straight through me, yeah how I manipulated my friend.
I loved Ray and I’d hurt him in a way that couldn’t be forgiven, I knew that I was feeling sorry for myself and that it was also pathetic. Maybe I should think about Ray and how he must be feeling now, he’d gone home to deal with all of this mess alone. The man had already tried dealing with things before and it never ended well, Ray would dwell on everything until it destroyed him from the inside out. Also, there was the facts regarding his physical health too, one small sandwich and he’d gone off running to the bathroom.
Ray was a police man and needed his strength to deal with his life and the criminals out there, and it wasn’t as if he were overweight to start with either. Maybe I could still help him from afar, especially as I knew the name of the man that had raped him back in Canada. I could deal with that but not what I’d done to him, I was no better than the man who’d caused all of his nightmares and suffering.
My mind was set and no one would change it either, I spoke to Inspector Thatcher and told her that I wanted some time off. My plan was to return back home to Canada for the foreseeable future, I could deal with what happened to Ray while I was there, and it wasn’t like there was anything left to stay in Chicago for. Ray had made his feelings very clear, and it wasn’t like we’d be able to work together anymore.
Inspector Thatcher agreed that it might do me some good, as she believed my liaison with the Chicago P.D was seriously affecting my health and Ray wasn’t a suitable partner either. So now I had a couple of hours to pack my stuff before I ran away from Ray and all my problems. Then just my luck Welsh had to phone me with regards to Ray.
“Fraser, it’s lieutenant Welsh.”
“Good afternoon Sir, is there anything that I can help you with?”
“Can you tell me what the hell’s going on with Detective Vecchio Constable, or should I say Ray Kowalski.”
“What do you mean by Kowalski, sorry sir but I don’t understand…”
“He’s resigned as Vecchio, hell he’s resigned from the whole police force and I have no reason why. I was hoping that you could enlighten me Constable, as Ray was your partner and you two are as thick as thieves.”
“I can see how you would expect me to know but I’m…”
“I haven’t got all day constable.”
“Sorry Sir, Ray’s sick and I’m worried for him.”
“Has he seen a doctor.”
“Sir this is not my place to say, look something bad happened to him and he’s not coping too well.”
“I had to admit that I was somewhat worried, he’s changed and that temper of his has got worse if anything.”
“Look sir, I’m leaving for Canada within the hour, I’ll be sure to call him and see if I can get through to him.”
“I’d appreciate that, Constable.”
I kept my word and phoned Ray, not that I could stay long on the phone as I would miss my plane home. Deep down it felt good to be finally going back to Canada, then Ray answered the phone and I realized going home wasn’t the main thing that my heart wanted right now.
“Ray, please don’t hang up.”
“What do ya want, Frase, I thought I made myself clear when I left.?”
“Lieutenant Welsh called me, Ray. He wanted to know why you had handed in your badge.”
“You better not have said anything, Fraser.”
“No, nothing at all, Ray, but I thought you could maybe bring yourself to tell me.”
“I don’t owe you nothin, Fraser…”
“Oh dear, I can see that this is not going how I hoped.”
“Look let’s just say I didn’t want to play Vecchio anymore and disappointment ya, Frase.”
“Ray, that makes no sense at all.”
“I was never good enough for ya, Frase. I was never as good as Vecchio and just a substitute.”
“Ray, I never wanted you to be the same as him.”
“Look it doesn’t matter anymore, wouldn’t have worked ya know, us working together an all.”
“Look I’m leaving, you could still go back as Ray Kowalski and no longer have to be undercover.”
“Yeah well, it’s my choice, so where ya goin, Fraser?”
“Yeah figures, I bet ya had yer bags packed the minute I was outta yer hair. You fuck with me and then just disappear…”
“Ray please don’t…”
“Go to hell, Fraser.”
I found myself holding a phone with no one at the other end, I hadn’t expected that though and I couldn’t blame Ray right now either. I could have sworn he sounded close to tears tough and maybe he was really hurting, yes well, I just seemed to make the man hurt even more every time I was near him. Canada wasn’t forever and maybe Ray might miss me while I were gone, as I sure as hell was going to miss him.
Knowing my luck nothing would change, Ray would still hate me even if I were gone for months on end. Oh god and then the truth fully hit me and I felt sick, without Ray there was no reason to even return to Chicago until Ray Vecchio returned. Well, it was time to leave and go catch my plane home, at least I knew there would be plenty of free time in Canada to work through all of this’
I was pissed off with everyone right now, hell I was even pissed off with myself as I couldn’t deal with any of this shit. I had no regrets about resigning though and that part of my life was over, I’d hated it as Vecchio and the only good thing to come from it was Fraser. Shit now I realized that I had no one at all, I was that pathetic and even Fraser had to leave the country to escape me. Well maybe it was time that I tried going out and escaping myself for a while, as it wasn’t like I had a job to get up for anymore. I grabbed my jacket and keys before opening the door, great and there stood Welsh looking even more pissed off than normal.
“Detective Vecchio, sorry Kowalski…”
“Drop the detective bit as I’m not one anymore.”
“Ray, I need you to listen to me and listen good.”
“I was on my way outta here…”
“I’m sure you pressing engagement can wait a few minutes?”
“Fine, just say whatcha gotta and go.”
“I’m not accepting your resignation Kowalski, there’s no reason to quit and I can get someone else for the Vecchio gig, you’re one of my best detectives and I don’t want to lose you, I understand that Fraser won’t be here but I can find you someone else to work with.”
“Accept my resignation or don’t, that’s yer choice and I don’t care either way.”
“You can be one hell of a hot headed stubborn bastard at times…”
“So why do ya want me back then?”
“Because you get results by being who you are, look I’ll call back in a few days and then see if you still feel the same way.”
“Yeah whatever, it ain’t gonna change nothin though.”
Without another word Welsh turned away and just left me stood there, well nothing would change my mind and now I had a date to attend at the nearest bar so I could drink myself unconscious. Oh, fuck was that a big mistake, just thinking like that had me rushing back inside and throwing up inside the toilet. No way could I go out and get drunk, as look what happened to me the last time I drank myself practically unconscious.
Okay, I could go out now as I was still sober, the plan was to take the goat and visit the local liquor store instead. I managed to pick up four bottles of strong vodka and nothing else. Realistically I should have done some food shopping as I had fuck all in at home, yet even just the thought of food made me want to be sick. I also figured it wouldn’t matter once I started drinking, and it wasn’t like I were a big eater to start with.
Once home, I decide to change into some old clothes and make myself comfortable, I even managed to feed the turtle and then that reminded me of Dief and then Fraser. Shit the idea of this was to forget about them all, forget about all the people that either controlled my life or pissed me off. The vodka was far stronger than I’d ever drank before, yet it soon went down fast enough after a few mouthfuls. Time meant nothing to me now as I had nowhere to go and no one would visit me, so I guess that just spurred me on to drink far more than I should have.
My eyes finally closed and I thought about all the people that had used me over the years, yet I’d always thought Fraser was different and I hadn’t seen that one coming. Then my mind turned back to that bar once more and the man that was there, I was a fuckin idiot and maybe I deserved it for the way I behaved, I’m a fuckin cop and know what rape is yet I keep trying to tell myself that wasn’t what happened. Ha, not that I’m a cop anymore now and never will be again, just another one of the things that I Ray Kowalski fucked up.
In some ways I’m surprised I lasted as long as I did, hell it wasn’t like I’d ever even wanted to be a cop was it. Fuck it, I no longer even knew what I wanted to be or who the hell I were, well apart from a fucked up mess. Soon the alcohol really kicked in and I was struggling to think about anything at all, which was good as I also forgot about everything and everyone too. Then morning came around and my head ached, it was as if someone had taken a fuckin sledge hammer to it.
I managed to sit up and then noticed the empty bottle on the floor beside the chair, well I guess that would account for my headache this morning. All I would need was some strong coffee and some toast or something to settle my stomach. I went into the bathroom first as my bladder wasn’t happy about the shit I’d drank, I even thought about a shower and getting myself cleaned up somewhat, not that it happened though. Once in the kitchen I ran the tap and prepared to make myself a good strong coffee, great then I realized I was out of everything apart from some stale bread.
In the end I made myself a couple of slices of toast and that was enough anyway, my stomach still rebelled and I was surprised the vodka had stayed down. Then I noticed the flashing light on the answering machine, shit I must have well and truly been out of it as I never even heard the phone. Chances are it would be Welsh or Fraser, I had no real friends and my parents hardly even bothered phoning me anymore.
I knew that I was just feeling sorry for myself and I should listen to it, I pressed play and the first thing I heard was Fraser’s voice asking me to pick up the phone. I just deleted the message without even listening to it, as true friends wouldn’t do what Fraser had done to me so there was no point listening to it. Great now I really felt sick and couldn’t even eat the toast, so in the end I binned it all and grabbed another bottle of vodka.
It felt good to be back home to Canada again and I had to admit I’d really missed home, yet after a couple of days I realized I was lonely. I guess now there were two people from my previous life that I missed, my friend and the man that held my heart without even knowing it. I guess I was at least thankful to have Dief here with me so that I wasn’t totally alone, plus the first couple of days were spent busy organizing the cabin and chopping some wood.
I’d gone into town on the second day and tried to contact Ray, I guess it was for my own piece of mind and I just wanted to make sure he was doing okay. I never did get through to him and I always made sure to leave a message, and now all I could do was deal with the current matter at hand, I wanted to know what had happened to Ray and also to meet the man that had assaulted him.
I’d first thought that it would be a near impossible task if the man was unknown, imagine my surprise when I learned that he was the lead singer of a band and also had a criminal record. Admittingly most of it was petty stuff from when he was younger, there was also the odd report regarding drugs and one for being drunk and disorderly. There was nothing here that would suggest the man would physically hurt someone, and there was nothing current and the last report was over a year ago.
I’d used my position with the RMPC and learnt all about his criminal record, maybe it was time to check out the internet and see who this man really was, there was bound to be plenty of information if the man was the singer of a well known band. Turned out I was right and there was plenty regarding their ups and downs, also how they’d managed to produce plenty of records too over the years. Then there was nothing for over four years as the guitarist left and went to America, also I couldn’t find any reason as to why they’d split up.
The band got back together and decided to do a reunion tour, even the guitarist came back and they were a full band once more. Then I came across a report from only a few months ago that changed a lot with regards to meeting the man, as apparently, he had died after a self inflicted gunshot to the head. I had to ring Lieutenant Welsh as I had to know when it was that Ray came to Canada. It turned out that Ray wasn’t even at the two seven when this happened, but at least Welsh could tell me his return date and when he actually took over as Ray Vecchio.
Now how the hell could I tell Ray what I knew, the man had killed himself two days after Ray left Canada and no one knew what had pushed him over the edge. I guess the pictures also had a lot to say and as to why Joe had assaulted Ray, turns out the guitarist is the absolute double of Ray. Now maybe that was someone who could tell me what happened, and it would also mean me pulling in every favor owed to get the man’s number. Well considering he joined another band and wouldn’t take too kindly to my questions, finally the RMPC came through and I dialed the number they gave me.
“Hi this is Billy; I can’t come to the phone right now as I’m masturbating and eating corn chips.”
Well, it would appear that the man was very laid back and open with a message like that, yet all I could do was leave a message and hope he called me back. I explained that it was off the record and was regarding a friend of mine that met Joe just before he died. I also explained that I’d only be available for the next few hours, once I returned to the cabin there would be no contact with anyone other than Dief. It just meant that I’d have to hang around here for a while, in the end I decided to call Ray once more without any success. Some time later I also called Welsh and explained my concern regarding Ray, especially as the man was unstable right now and had no one there to turn to.
I’d managed to avoid most of Welsh’s questions, mainly the ones regarding my absence and how I’d let Ray down when he perhaps needed me the most. I knew that he was right and I had let Ray down, however it was my own fault that Ray wanted nothing at all to do with me. I felt guilty about everything that I’d done, and I’m sure Ray would want to kill me if he ever found out about everything else I’d done to him. I was still sat there feeling sorry for myself when the phone rang, at first, I thought it might be Ray calling me back and then my hopes were dashed.
“Constable Benton Fraser RMCP, how may I be of assistance?”
“I got a call from this number, some bloke wanting to talk to me about Joe.”
“Ah yes, that would be me.”
“Shit I ain’t dealing with no police now he’s dead.”
“Like I said in the message, this is personal and strictly off the record.”
“So, what is it ya wanna know?”
“My partner came to Canada a few months ago on a case, I’ve since learnt that he was assaulted during his stay here and that the man was your lead singer.”
“Shit, come straight to the point don’t ya, look it was a mistake and he thought that it was me.”
“What are you saying, are you trying to tell me it’s acceptable to you to have him rape you.”
“Calm down will ya, look don’t judge me when you don’t even know me. Me and Joe go back years and we had a rather strained relationship to say the least, the first time it happened I walked away for over four years. I had to come back though as he was a huge part of me and who I was, it was never rape though really as I always gave in and wanted him.”
“So, are you trying to tell me that Ray was a mistake, just in the wrong place at the wrong time?”
“Yeah, that pretty much sums it up, Joe knew I’d let him do it and he just got off on it if I fought him.”
“Did he ever realize that it wasn’t you that night?”
“Yeah, as I wasn’t even here, I guess it took a while to sink in and then it hit him hard. I have a few friends in high places, they checked out all the local motels and we soon had a name and a face of the man Joe assaulted.”
“Yeah, Joe freaked when he realized the bloke was a fuckin cop, he spent the next two days on a bender of alcohol and drugs. Look it wasn’t just that, I was the main part of what destroyed him and I was also the final nail in his coffin.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you mean.”
“Joe couldn’t handle what he’d done to the man, then he also found out that I was leaving him too. Shit I should have stayed and helped him, but no I walked out on my best friend and he blew his fuckin brains out.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Look I gotta go…”
I never even got to say goodbye as the phone went dead, and then I felt rather dizzy as I remembered his words about walking out on his best friend. Ray was suffering and he needed someone there for him, yet I too had walked out on my best friend. However, I knew that I couldn’t live with myself if Ray were to do something like that. I decided to make one more call to Lieutenant Walsh before returning to my cabin, I had to know if Ray handed in his gun when he resigned, oh and I also wanted to tell him I was on my way back to Chicago.
Time meant nothing to me anymore now, well that along with everything else I guess. I’d remained on the couch for days and only left to use the bathroom and try to eat. I gave up on eating anything after the first two bottles of vodka, nothing stayed down and it was just causing me more pain in the long run. Hell, it could be the vodka and most likely was, but I liked the vodka because it made me pass out and forget about everything.
By the end of the third bottle, I could barely even stand up, oh but I forced myself as I had to get the fourth bottle before I became unable to stand at all. This was my last and there was no way I could go and buy anymore in this state, chances are no one would serve me even if I could drag my ass to the nearest liquor store. I knew it had to be bad when my biggest fear was sobering up, sobering up would mean one almighty headache and then all the memories forcing their way out once more.
There were times when I thought I heard Fraser talking to me, not that it would happen as I’d drove him away just like I did everyone else. The vodka had a really bitter taste now and felt like it was burning my insides, yet I carried on drinking and trying not to think. Memories came no matter how hard I tried to fight them, Fraser telling me how he hypnotized me and made me tell him all my dark secrets. Then there was Canada and what happened there, my hand bent behind my back and then so much pain as I was raped.
I couldn’t shut down all the memories and I couldn’t handle it, now there was Stella and it was our wedding day and we were so happy. Oh god and then it all changed as she screamed at me and called me names, I was pathetic and useless amongst the tirade of assault that followed. Maybe they were all right and it was me that was pathetic after all, and all I wanted was to get out of here and run away from it all.
I jumped up from the chair and was going to use the bathroom, shit then suddenly I collapsed to the floor and threw up right where I lay. I couldn’t deal with any of this and started screaming until my throat was raw, then I remembered very little until the pounding started. I couldn’t stand the noise or even stop it; I was beyond help now and couldn’t even move from where I lay. So, in the end I curled into a ball and tried to ignore it all.
I wanted to drink the rest of the vodka despite the tase, I just wanted the annoying noise to stop and I wanted to pass out again so I could escape. Shit, and then I closed my eyes and it was Fraser I saw there looking down over me. Fraser had come to gloat, join in with all the rest and make sure every last part of me was taken apart and destroyed. I couldn’t even tell what was real anymore and what was in my head, god and to think someone like Fraser had wanted to be my partner. Sat pathetic needy Ray who deserved no one, suddenly I wondered where my gun was and if I could even reach it. One shot and all the pain would be gone, I tried to get to my knees so I could go look for it and just collapsed back to the floor.
Nothing helped me right now and then the banging grew louder, but then I realized it wasn’t just banging and someone was actually talking. That made me realize I was really losing it now as I had no idea who the hell it was, and I’d never heard the voice before yet they seemed to know me by my name.
“Stanley, open this door right now; you’ve got ten seconds and I’m kicking it in.”
Well, there was no chance of me getting to that door in ten seconds, and it wasn’t like I gave a fuck anymore what the person did. Hey with any luck they might be here to put me out of my misery. No, I knew that would never happen to me, as I swear, I was put here to suffer and nothing more. Oh shit, now my stomach had to play up too and the pain felt like someone was rearranging my insides with a corkscrew. I knew I was going to throw up and there was no way I could stop it, and then the vodka burned my throat as I emptied my stomach onto the carpet.
I just wanted to die right here and right now, I’d never felt so ill in my life and all I could do was ride it out. I heard the banging once more and it was then that the door flew open, and just to make matters worse I had no idea who the hell the man was.
“Oh shit, what the hell have you gone and done Stanley!”
The man knelt as close to me as he dare come considering the state I was in, I knew that I must look and smell like total shit now after what I’d done to myself. Days on end just drinking, hell I think I’d even pissed myself at some point too.
“Stanley, can you hear me, look I think you need to go to a hospital and get checked out.”
“No, he doesn’t.”
Now I knew I was truly hallucinating; I had some strange Italian man in my apartment and now Fraser. For some reason I felt like the Italian connection meant something, but hell my brain was way too fried to deal with all this weirdness and strange imaginary people.
“God Benny am I so glad to see you.”
“As I am you, Ray. I thought you were undercover with the mob?”
“Yeah, I’m only here for a couple of days, look I’ll explain it all to you later okay.”
Suddenly Frasers hand grabbed my chin and forced me to look at him, I knew he was studying me and I felt like some bug under a microscope right now. My eyes were closing as Fraser spoke to the other man once more, apparently, I didn’t need a hospital as he would take care of me himself and I no longer cared as darkness finally came.
I have to admit that I wasn’t expecting the scene that greeted me when I returned to Chicago and Ray’s apartment. Also, Ray Vecchio was the last person I expected to see here in Chicago and I would need to discuss his presence later, right now the man unconscious on the floor was my only concern. Straight away I’d noticed all the empty vodka bottles, and one look at Ray and I knew he’d drank them all too. I also noticed that he looked even thinner now and he couldn’t afford to lose any weight, Ray was hardly keeping food down before I left and it looked like nothing had changed with regards to that matter.
I could also smell the vomit and urine before I’d even entered the apartment, not that I could do much more than a sponge bath for now or a quick shower. Ray was hovering and I knew that he didn’t want to be here and have to deal with all of this, that was why I took pity on him and sent him out for supplies. Now it was just myself and my unconscious partner, so I stripped out of my own clothes until I was down to just my underwear. I guess I knew that this would be dirty work and I would need to keep my own clothes clean, my main priority was getting Ray into the shower.
I picked Ray up the best I could and carried him into the bathroom and lay him on the floor, I then wasted no time stripping his thin body of the filthy clothes he wore. I placed him on the floor of the shower and then turned on the water to start the clean up process, I knew that I couldn’t do too much when he was out cold and that wouldn’t have to matter for now. I guess I just wanted to make him somewhat more comfortable, and at this moment Ray was actually starting to smell really bad. I used the shampoo and tried to wash him to the best of my ability, then I had to smile at the thought of touching Ray’s clean soft gel free hair.
I didn’t want to see him like this and deep down it was tearing me apart, yet I had to see this through and I couldn’t give up on him or walk away again. Soon I’d managed to dry him off and lay him down on the bed, he looked so thin and I missed all the energy that normally radiated from him. Ray was always moving and could never keep still; well, I suppose the time would come when he woke up and realized I was the one taking care of him.
At the moment there was very little I could do until Ray returned with the supplies, that was why I found myself scrubbing the carpet and disposing of all the empty bottles. At least the place smelt somewhat better by the time Ray did return, and I was actually surprised that he’d managed to get everything that I needed.
“I appreciate this, Ray. So how much do I owe you?”
“Forget it, Fraser, where’s Kowalski now?”
“He’s had a shower and he’s now in the bedroom.”
“Benny, talk to me. Tell me what the hell’s going on around here?”
“Look let me shower and then I’ll tell you everything.”
I left Ray stood there as I wanted to be alone with my own thoughts, also I was in need of a shower and this seemed like the perfect time. At least Ray had managed to collect some of my clothes while he was out, the jeans and sweater were far more practical than my uniform. I then held my head up high and walked out to find Ray sat on the couch, I knew he was mt friend and that was why I ended up telling him everything, that included what I’d done to Ray without him even knowing.
“Give me a minute, Benny, as that sure is a hell of a lot to take in.”
“Benny, I’m not the one you should be apologizing to; do you really love him Benny or is it just some sort of lust?”
“I love him with all my heart, Ray.”
“You need to come clean with him then, as soon as he’s well you have to tell him everything.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“I need to get him comfortable and set up a drip, maybe you can help me.”
We both walked into the bedroom and I opened the bags Ray had brought, I knew Ray was only staying because of me and right now I appreciated it as I needed the help. I opened the drip and prepared to set it all up before dealing with the unconscious man on the bed, at least I’d thought to cover him up before Ray had returned.
“Benny, do you know what you’re doing, I mean it’s not too late to take him to the hospital?”
“Ray, we are taught all this back home, you can travel miles without seeing any form of life and sometimes you have to deal with things yourself.”
“Yeah, okay I get the point, I just don’t want to see you get hurt Benny.”
“I’m already hurting, Ray; all I can do is take it one step at a time and hope that he doesn’t hate me. Ray’s severely dehydrated and undernourished at the moment and his body needs time to recover, that is why I have to do this whether I like it or not.”
“Hey, I trust you Benny and I know you want him to get well. How about I come back later and we can catch up?”
“I’d like that, Ray, and it’s not like I’ll be leaving here anytime soon.”
Ray left and I just carried on with my work, I’d removed some lights from above Ray’s bed so I could hang the drip and then I inserted the cannula into the back of his hand. The drip would help with the dehydration, and I’d also added something to help him with any pain he might be suffering after the alcohol. Next, I prepared the catheter and pulled back the sheet, I knew Ray would never forgive me for this and it wasn’t as if I had any choice. Sooner or later Ray would need to urinate and this was far easier than washing the sheets every time, also I planned to keep him sedated until he started to show signs of recovering.
I lifted up his flaccid penis and slowly started to insert the thin tube, I took it a slow as possible as I didn’t want to hurt him or cause him to become distressed in any way at all. I guess I was surprised when Ray actually started muttering things and he mentioned my name a few times, then I realized I’d have to go faster and just get it over with as Ray was getting turned on. I knew that it was most likely just a reaction to the stimulation, and it wasn’t just Ray that it was affecting either.
I dreamt about Fraser and how he’d wanted me in every way I thought he wouldn’t, but right now it felt so real and I just wanted more of him and his hands too. The man was so fuckin gentle as he took hold of my cock and it turned me on, yet I wasn’t satisfied and tried to use his hand to get off.
“Oh dear, please try and sleep Ray.”
“Frase…need, please don’t stop!”
Suddenly the hand was gone along with all my hopes too, now I was pulled under once more and this time it was the nightmares that came. I had no idea what was real anymore, I’d swear that Frase was really here with me and then he wasn’t, it was as if I were drowning and I couldn’t reach the surface anymore. I knew that I had to give it everything I had or I’d be consumed and might never find my way back, then finally my eyes flew open and I felt really disorientated.
It took me a few minutes to realize I was safe and in my own bed where no one could get me, well that was until I looked over at the chair and noticed Fraser who was fast asleep without a care in the world. On closer inspection, I noticed my hand and the tube that was attached to it and couldn’t remember who put it there. Well, okay I could figure out all that later, at the moment I needed a piss and had to figure out how to move with the drip attached. Oh god, and then I pulled back the sheet and wanted to kick someone in the fuckin head. Turns out my hand wasn’t the only place that had a tube shoved into it, fuck I had a tube stuck up my dick and to top it off I was fucking naked too.
“Frase, wake the fuck up or else.”
“Ray, you’re finally awake.”
“What the hell did ya do to me, Fraser?”
“You were sick Ray and…”
“I was sick, fuck what about the person who decided to shove all this crap into me?”
“Ray, you left me very little choice.”
“So, what did ya do Frase, hypnotize me again so that you get yer kicks?”
“Ray, please just let me explain.”
“Fuck you Frase, I want you out of here now so I can remove all this crap.”
“Ray, I can’t let you do that, you’re sick and you must realize that you need help.”
“Do not do that Frase, do not try and turn it around and put it all on me.”
“I’m not leaving, Ray.”
“Fine, ya can sit there then and watch me while I remove them. I guarantee ya one thing though Frase.”
“What would that be, Ray?”
“I’m gonna kick ya in the head as soon as I can move from this bed.”
I hated anything that involved any sort of pain, and I hated it even more if I were the one who was in pain. Just the thought of removing the tube made me feel sick, especially the one stuck up my dick as that was bound to hurt. Well maybe I should remove that one first and get it out of the way, afterwards I can aim the anger at Fraser for making me have to do this. I shoved my hands under the sheet as no way did I want Fraser seeing me naked and vulnerable, fuck who the hell was I trying to kid after what he’d already seen.
“Fraser, shut the fuck up okay, I don’t wanna hear another word outta ya.”
I knew I was struggling to do it because it might hurt, not that I had any other alternative other than letting Fraser do it for me and that so wasn’t happening. I was an adult and would have to act like one, I took a deep breath and mentally prepared myself for the task at hand. Next thing I knew, Fraser was out of the chair and had my arms pinned across my chest.
“What the fuck…”
“I can’t let you do this to yourself, Ray, you still need to be in bed until you regain your full strength and eat something.”
“Let me go and I’ll show ya how much strength I got, Fraser.”
Okay I knew he was right and I couldn’t kick his head in just yet, not that it changed anything though and I’d give it my best shot if he just got the fuck off me. Then I realized just how weak I really was, turned out Fraser could pin me to the bed with only one arm, shit and that was when I realized exactly what his other hand was doing. It was too late now and there was nothing I could do to get free of him and this bed, I’d heard the cuffs click and realized the bastard had cuffed me to the fuckin bed.
“You’ve gotta be kiddin me, are ya unhinged or somethin, Fraser…”
“Maybe I am, Ray. I am also your friend though and will do anything to keep you safe and well.”
“Yeah, it sure as hell looks like it. What’s this then Frase, your idea of foreplay or somethin. Do ya get off on cuffing people to the bed and holding them against their will, or maybe you plan use yer mumbo jumbo again and…”
“Ray, you’re blabbering, also it wasn’t all one sided when I hypnotized you.”
“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”
“I did it because I wanted to help you, Ray, and I guess I couldn’t help you without knowing what the problem was. I knew it was wrong and I still did it, I even asked you if there was anything you wanted that might help and there was.”
“Yeah right, so what was it that I asked ya for Frase as I sure as hell don’t know.”
“Are you straight, Ray?”
“You heard me.”
“What the fuck has that gotta do with anything?”
“Because you asked me to kiss you, Ray.”
“No, it’s not true…”
“Oh, but it is, Ray. And do you know what else.”
“You wasted no time kissing me back, it took you no time at all to have your tongue shoved down my throat.”
“Get the fuck outta here now, Frase or else… I swear I’ll break the fuckin bed and get free, then I’m gonna punch ya right in the head and knock some sense into ya!”
“I said get the fuck out and I meant it.”
I watched as Fraser stood and left the room, then there was no holding back the tears once they started. I had no idea if what he said was the truth or not, yet Fraser had taken great pleasure in telling me everything. It was as if his main goal was to tear me apart and hurt me, and I was still trapped here knowing I would need to deal with him if I wanted to be free.
I had no idea what had made me so angry or to lash out at Ray the way I had, and part of me wanted to leave here and run away back home to Canada. I even thought about going for a walk to clear my head, then it hit me that I couldn’t possibly leave Ray here alone while cuffed to the bed. I also couldn’t understand why Ray wouldn’t admit that he wanted me or possibly felt something for me, or was he scared that I didn’t want him despite I told him that we kissed.
I thought about everything for what felt like forever and realized it could be Ray and what happened, maybe he was scared to have anyone near him after the rape in Canada. I guess I only had myself to blame for the timing, also for the fact that I hypnotized him in the first place. Now my thoughts went back to the second time I did it, the time when I got him to masturbate in front of me. Ray was, no Ray is gorgeous and I don’t think I could even fully describe the man if I tried. He gave me life and made me feel like I was wanted, now I had to get it through his head just how much he is wanted too.
I couldn’t hear any noise from the bedroom and decided to check up on the man in question, I slowly opened the door and found him fast asleep despite the restraints that left no room for movement. I was a coward though and could only go close because of the drugs he was on; I knew that Ray would be asleep for some time and it would be a deep one at that. I knelt beside the bed and took a good look at the man, oh Ray, it broke my heart to see the streaks upon his gorgeous face from the tears he’d shed.
I ran my thumb along the marks knowing I couldn’t touch him once he woke up, I then checked the cuffs and made sure there was no damage to his tender skin. I knew that it was wrong to keep him like this, yet I was afraid of what he’d do to himself if I removed them, oh and I was also scared of what he might do to me too. Finally, I left the room and closed the door behind me, I would grab a sandwich from the supplies that Ray Vecchio had brought earlier, I’d even make some soup for Ray as it would be easier on his tender stomach.
I’d just finished eating when I heard a knock on the apartment door and went to open it, there stood in front of me was Ray Vecchio. I took one look at him and then the tears came. I’d bottled so much up over the last few months and I had to talk to someone, and Ray was supposed to be my best friend at the end of the day.
Suddenly Ray had me in his arms and held me close to him, then he led me towards the couch and ordered me to sit down. Hell, I couldn’t even manage to say anything to him as the sobs shook my body. Ray sat beside me and patiently waited it out as I had my small breakdown in front of him, he even managed to go make me some tea and that was so unlike him.
“Benny talk to me, tell me what’s happened since I left you here.”
“I hurt him, Ray.”
“Yes, I took great pleasure in cuffing him to the bed and then telling him about the kiss we shared.”
“Whoa Benny, what do you mean by cuffed to the bed?”
“He wanted to remove the drip and I wouldn’t let him; he’s ill Ray and he needs what it’s supplying to his body.”
“I think you’re too close to this, Benny. It’s not too late to walk away and let someone else deal with it.”
“I can’t do that, Ray.”
“Look, Benny… I have to leave in another day or so and I can’t leave you like this.”
“You never did explain why you came back so soon, Ray.”
“Someone was asking around about me and my cover was at risk unless I came back, I just need to put in an appearance so everything looks normal.”
“What about the undercover work?”
“I claimed I wasn’t to be disturbed for a few days and then snook away, don’t worry about it Benny as no one will miss me for a few days.”
“I thought your cover here was solid and no one was any the wiser.”
“They weren’t, but then Stanley here decides to go walk about and my whole life is suddenly at risk.”
“Ray, I’m sure he didn’t get raped and suffer a breakdown just to annoy you.”
“Yeah, I know, look I’m sorry, Benny.”
“Ray, just one other thing…”
“Don’t call him Stanley.”
“Why, it’s his name isn’t it!”
“Hmm, talking about Stanley…”
It was at that moment we heard Ray shout my name and he still sounded pissed too, I took a deep breath and mentally prepared myself to deal with the man in question. I slowly opened the door and received an angry glare from Ray and knew nothing had changed, I guess it was too much to hope for and I wasn’t going to get off easy.
“How are you feeling now, Ray?”
“Frase, I need ya to take the cuffs off, I can’t feel my arms.”
“Okay, Ray, I’m sorry that I had to use them on you.”
I removed the cuffs and went to rub his arms so the circulation would return faster, then suddenly Ray shoved me away from the bed and I lost my balance. I guess the attack wasn’t expected and I was taken off guard, then Ray moved fast and yanked open the draw near the bed and pulled out his gun.
“Ray, what are you doing?”
“Get out Frase and leave me the hell alone.”
“I can’t do that, Ray.”
I watched as Ray pointed the gun at my chest and placed his finger on the trigger, now I just had to pray that my instinct was right and that Ray wouldn’t hurt me because he loved me in one way or another.
All I wanted was to be alone so Fraser wouldn’t see me fall apart in front of him, but oh no the stubborn Mountie refused to leave the room even with a gun pointed at him, Now the tears came as my finger hovered on the trigger and I was scared of what I might do, I could barely even see as my eyes struggled to focus and my cheeks became wet. Not that I could miss the noise of the bedroom door as it banged open, great now it looked like the real Vecchio wanted part of the action too.
“Hey, is everything okay Benny as I heard a bang… oh shit!”
“Ray, please leave as alone.”
“No, you leave, as I’m not leaving you in here with him Benny.”
“I do have a name, Vecchio.”
“Oh, how rude of me, I’m not leaving you in here Benny with Stanley.”
I’d swear the man was really trying to piss me off now and it was working, maybe he was right and Fraser should leave us alone as I’d like to tell Vecchio just what I thought of him.
“Fraser get outta here now, I think it’s time me and Vecchio here got to know each other a bit better.”
“Ray, I can’t walk away while you have a gun in your hand.”
“Fraser, walk away or I’ll put a bullet in Vecchio.”
“Benny, please, I swear I’ll be okay.”
“Ray, I don’t think he will shoot you; I think there’s more chance of him shooting himself.”
Great, I was starting to think Fraser knew me better than I knew myself. As he was right and I’d rather take a bullet than shoot either one of them, and right now I had to admit that I was rather tempted.
“Benny, please trust me.”
“As you wish, Ray.”
I could tell that Fraser wasn’t happy about having to leave the room, and I also noticed that he was crying and refused to even look at me as he walked out. Shit he was my friend and I loved him so much, yet I couldn’t get over the fact he had used me and all without my say so.
“Stanley, are you even listening to me?”
“Don’t push your luck, Vecchio or I’ll kick ya in the head.”
“You don’t scare me Stanley, plus you’d have to get out of bed to do that.”
“Yeah, well just ya wait, look all ya have to do is walk outta here and take Fraser with ya.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“Why the hell not, as if this has anything to do with ya anyway.”
“I love Benny like my own brother, and he seems love you and think your worth doing all this for.”
“Yeah, well I love him, I just can’t forget what he did to me.”
“Wake the fuck up, Stanley. Benny doesn’t just love you, he’s in love with you.”
“You heard me, he did all of this because he loves you and you just throw it all back in his face.”
“I didn’t know!”
“He hypnotized you because he wanted to help, he was scared that you were becoming really ill and would just get worse.”
“I thought he kissed me to mess with my head.”
“No, he kissed you because it’s what you asked for, he would do anything to make you happy even if it hurt him.”
“I told him I never wanted to see him again and then he went back to Canada, now he’s here…oh shit!”
“Look I’ve no idea what happened when he was there, all I know is that he came back for you.”
Everything was overwhelming me and I couldn’t deal with all of this now, I loved Fraser and knew that we’d have to talk about all of this and soon. I just wasn’t sure if I were ready for anyone near me without triggering flashbacks. Then there was Vecchio too and his return to Chicago, was I also responsible for putting his life at risk by leaving everyone in the lurch. I dropped the gun back in the draw and just sat there, I’d have expected Vecchio to beat the shit out of me now I was no longer armed and a risk.
“Stanley, you have to deal with this.”
“Do you have to keep calling me that?”
“Hey at least it gets your attention, I’ll be gone in a day or so don’t get all twisted up about it.”
“Who’s going to cover for you at the station?”
“Ray Vecchio will be on holiday for two weeks, then after that you return and go undercover once more.”
“What, I resigned.”
“Welsh refused it and wants you back, if not I’ll return and have to drop the undercover gig with the mob.”
“So, no pressure then.”
“You’re a big boy, Stanley. So, deal with it; I have to go anyway so I’ll send Benny in to deal with you.”
“Yeah, I’ll do the best I can.”
“Just don’t hurt Benny or I’ll have to hurt you, let him down gently if you don’t want the same as him okay.”
Vecchio left the room and now I just sat here waiting for Fraser to walk in, I gathered he’d be talking with Vecchio first before they said their goodbyes. At first, I hated the man because he was Fraser’s best friend, yet I knew he was there for Fraser and that he’d always have a friend in Ray Vecchio. I sat here and was starting to get rather nervous as I was no good at this waiting thing, also I wanted all the tubes out of my body so I could use the bathroom normally.
I lay my head back against the pillows and closed my eyes, shit I still felt really tired and knew I would have to work hard at everything. First there was Fraser, then there was my appetite and how weak I’d become since all of this happened. I was a detective and knew it was all because of what happened to me, yet all I was doing was giving in and letting the man that assaulted me win. I could have Fraser as my lover if I let him in, let him touch me and use me again.
That’s what Fraser was doing right now, he was using me for his own pleasure as I lay here on the bed naked. My limbs were cuffed to the bed while he forced his erection into me hard and fucked me, I had to lay here and let him use me just as everyone else did. Oh god and then he had his hands around my throat and was squeezing hard, suddenly I couldn’t breathe and my eyes flew open. The nightmare faded away when I realized I was safe in my own bedroom, it was all just a dream and I’d fallen asleep, then I looked up and saw Fraser stood there and he wasn’t a dream.
I wasn’t happy that Ray had sent me out of the room, and in some ways, I should be glad he’s still willing to see me now. I wasn’t stupid and I knew that he needed me now to remove the catheter, Ray could be such a baby at times and that was one of the things that I loved about the man. So, I took a deep breath and braced myself for whatever may happen now, as Ray was also as volatile as ever when he was upset or hurting.
I opened the door and realized that Ray was physically shaking, also he looked absolutely terrified when he saw me enter the room. I hadn’t even spoke and he was already trying to move up on the bed and away from me, and there I were thinking that he might be easier now he’d had some time to calm down. Okay I decided to remove the drip and see how he was if I went closer to him, I didn’t want to see him like this and I couldn’t remove it from the other side of the room.
“Ray, do you want me to remove the drip, as I’m sure you can try eating normally from now on?”
One simple word was all he spoke, so first I took the drip down and removed it from the tube that ran into his arm. The hardest part would be the next bit and I had no idea how Ray would deal with it, as there was no way I could remove the tube without touching him. I held his arm tight just below the cannula and that was as far as I got, suddenly Ray pulled his arm away from me and sat there holding it close to his chest like I’d hurt him.
“Don’t touch me, Fraser…”
“Ray, I can’t help you unless you let me, okay how about you hold your arm where I held it. You can hold it tight and I’ll try to remove it without touching you, would you like to try it that way, Ray?”
It felt like I were dealing with a small child as I dealt with Ray, soon though he did as I said and held his own arm while I removed the tube and gave him a cloth to wipe his arm. I had to admit that it was hard and my fingers had brushed his skin a couple of times, yet we did it as a team and that was something I really missed right now.
“How are you feeling, Ray? Are you ready for me to remove the catheter too?”
“No, look I just need some time to get my head around it.”
“As you wish, Ray.”
“Shit, it’s just a bit more embarrassing, Frase.”
“Ray, I assure you that something like that would not embarrass me as it’s part of life.”
“Not you, Frase, I’ll be the one that’s embarrassed okay!”
“Understood, I have seen you naked, Ray as I was the one to fit it.”
“Frase, that is so not helping right now, I was outta it when ya did that to me.”
“Would you like me to give you a sedative, Ray?”
“What, no, god I don’t know what I want.”
“How about I give you some time to think.”
“Yeah, that would be good.”
I went and sat in the chair and watched Ray as his face clouded over and he frowned. I knew that it embarrassed him and he didn’t want me to do it. I also knew that it was due to come out as Ray might get an infection otherwise, I guess it was coming out one way or another by myself or Ray. It was time he dealt with things and actually talked about what happened to him, yet I knew now was not the time as he might lose it again. I was lost in my own head with my own thoughts, that was why it surprised me when Ray asked the question he did.
“Frase, do ya really love me? I mean it’s okay if ya don’t and if ya just kissed me cos I asked…”
“Oh Ray, I’ve loved you for a long time, practically since I met you actually. I believed it was one sided and I never acted on my feelings, as deep down I was scared I’d lose you as a friend too. I guess it changed the night I did what I did, you asked me to kiss you and I didn’t think you’d do that unless you felt something for me too.”
“Frase, I want you to kiss me when I’m not hypnotized if that’s okay?”
“It would be my pleasure to kiss you, Ray.”
“First, I need ya to do somethin else for me, Frase.”
“I want ya to cuff me to the bed again and remove the tube.”
“Why do I need to cuff you, Ray? I’m sure it would be far…”
“Frase please, I know deep down that I’ll fight ya the minute ya start, the only way this is coming out is if I can’t stop you. Please Frase, it’s the only way I can do this.”
“As you wish, Ray.”
I stood up and grabbed the cuffs once more, I then cuffed one around Rays slim wrist and threaded the chain through the headboard. Straight away Ray raised his other arm and I cuffed it with minimal contact. Any other time I would love to have him here at my mercy, yet part of me wondered if he’d ever recover enough to let that happen.
“Frase, are ya even listening to me?”
“Sorry I was miles away.”
“Yeah, so I noticed, Frase. Look you have to understand one thing here.”
“What would that be, Ray?”
“Chances are I’ll tell ya to stop, ya have to ignore me Frase no matter how many times I ask okay.”
“Ray, I’m not sure whether…”
“Frase, can ya do it for me?”
“As you wish, Ray.”
I pulled back the sheet and watched as Ray closed his eyes, part of me wondered if he was scared or the fact it was me doing it. Well, I guess it didn’t help when he knew I loved him and wanted him, to be this close and act so professional and all clinical. I was normally very good when it came to showing restraint, yet a naked and cuffed Ray was seriously testing my limits to the full.
“Frase, can you hurry up.”
“Frase, ya know I don’t do the patience thing well...oh shit.”
I noticed Ray become silent as I picked up his placid penis and prepared to remove the tube, then his breathing changed and I realized I might have to do it faster than I’d originally planned.
“Jeez, Frase… oh fuck… please oh god…”
“You’re babbling, Ray.”
I realized that this wasn’t going as planned and Ray wasn’t telling me to stop, instead he was moaning at me and his penis was no longer as flaccid as when I started. I tried to be as gentle as possible and it was hard, especially as I had to remove it before Ray got an erection. Not that it mattered though, Ray moaned and suddenly went soft as the tube finally came out. I guess it must have hurt somewhat, yet I also noticed that he still had his eyes tight shut and was still breathing heavy. Well now all I had to do was will my own erection to subside before Ray did open his eyes, I knew that we had to talk and I wanted him calm before I said what I had to say. First, I removed the cuffs and then sat back in the chair, I just wanted to look as far from intimidating as possible.
I was still okay and it was all over, well that part anyway and I could breathe again. At least Fraser had the decency to cover me and remove the cuffs before walking away, and at this moment that meant a lot to me. Deep down I was afraid I’d lose it in front of him, and I guess I was also afraid that I might hit him again if he got too close to the real me.
“Ray, we need to talk.”
“Look, I said it was okay Frase. I guess I outta be thankful that ya was looking out for me. I guess I’m scared ya might do it again and you have to admit it was wrong, Frase. As you can’t go round hypnotizing everyone when it suits ya.”
“I’m well aware of that, Ray, that’s why we need to have this talk. I love you and I don’t want any secrets, so I would rather you know everything now rather than it pop up later on.”
“Frase, whatcha talkin about?”
“Oh dear, this is not going as I planned.”
“Come on, Frase. Just spit it out will ya.”
“I did something that I’m not proud of, I hypnotized you one other time, Ray and I… Well, I…”
“Fraser, ya better tell me or I’ll kick ya in the head, look just cut the mumbo jumbo, or else.”
“Do you remember when Volpe got shot and you came to the Consulate?”
“Yeah, how could I forget.”
“Ray, you won’t like this…”
“Frase, I’m losing patience here.”
“Okay, you tried to leave the Consulate and I stopped you. You had your coat on and I couldn’t let you leave Ray and you must understand that…”
“Frase, yer really testing my patience here.”
“I told you to go and undress while I made you some tea, I meant only your coat, Ray and I guess I didn’t make myself very clear.”
Suddenly I had a really bad feeling about all of this and where it was heading, my heart was racing and I was really struggling to keep my temper in check. I also knew that I could lose it and real fast, all it would depend on what came out of Fraser’s mouth.
“I came back to the room and found you sat there naked, it wasn’t my fault and I guess I’d just worded the command badly.”
“Shit, Frase, at first I thought you’d done somethin or made me… look I thought it would be worse okay.”
“Ray, I swear that I would never touch you like that, however I may have made you do something.”
“May have, ya either did or ya didn’t, Frase. So, which is it?”
“I knew it was wrong to touch you so I… I made you masturbate and I’m so…”
“Fuck you, Fraser…”
I was of the bed in seconds and grabbed hold of Fraser’s top and raised my fist, all I wanted to do was hurt him so he knew how hurt and betrayed I felt right now. How could he sit there and claim I was his friend and that he loved me, yeah, he was just another one to add to the others that had used and abused me.
“I hate ya, Frase.”
My legs were weak and I’d not used them in days, suddenly they gave out on me along with my heart too. I lost my grip on Fraser’s top and fell to the floor in a heap. Fuck and then I curled up in a ball and cried like a fuckin baby, and all I wanted was my gun and for all the pain to end.
“Ray, let me help you.”
“Stay the fuck away from me Frase, I don’t want ya near me or touching me again.”
I used the bed to pull myself up and then lunged for the draw where my gun was, shit then suddenly Fraser had my arm behind my back and I really flipped out, it was Joe who had my arm pinned back as he forced himself on me.”
“Oh god please, Joe, shit anything but that… please…”
“Ray, it’s me Fraser.”
I started kicking out at him and wasn’t going down without a fight, yet my body was held tightly and I couldn’t even move. Then I was beyond thinking and tried to pretend nothing was happening, my body became weak as my mind wandered off somewhere else. I was hurting in a way I never thought possible and I couldn’t handle it, and nothing could stop it now. Fraser had just used me and taken advantage when I was unable to fight back, shit nothing had changed though as I was still too weak to fight back even now.
“Ray, Ray, Ray…”
My brain and my body knew that Fraser was still holding me and I had to try and ignore it, otherwise I knew I’d lose it totally and there’d be no way of coming back. I was at that very fine edge of sanity and only just holding on, maybe Fraser would give up on me if I were to pretend he wasn’t there.
“Ray, please talk to me; this is all my fault and I did this to you.”
Yeah, him along with everyone else I’d ever trusted, hell even people I didn’t know managed to abuse me in one way or another too. Then I wondered if revenge would help me feel any better, maybe I should take my gun and put a bullet in the head of the bastard that had raped me! No, I knew that wouldn’t work either, I’d feel guilty for killing someone that was unarmed and couldn’t live the rest of my life like that.
Then there was Fraser, I still loved him so that would make revenge hard, part of me wondered why he hadn’t just stayed in Canada and left me alone. Ray Vecchio had said that Fraser came back to Chicago for me, and now I had to wonder if he’d lied to me too so I wouldn’t hurt Fraser. Fuck my head hurt and my body became lax, chances are I’d have fallen to the floor if Fraser hadn’t taken my weight.
I couldn’t blame Ray for his actions when it came to me and I wished he had hit me, especially as I was responsible for destroying him. I had no idea where he was at right now as he’d finally given up and relaxed somewhat, and in some ways that scared the hell out of me. What if Ray didn’t come back and I lost him for good, not that I could do much for him right now.
I released the pressure on his arm as that had really caused him to panic, then I lay him down on the bed and held him in my arms until sleep finally claimed him. Only then did I take a good look at the man that lay here in my arms, there was no sign of the vibrant funny intelligent man that I’d come to love. I knew that Ray had to be helped so that he would be that man once more, even if it meant I had to walk away from him and never see him again. God, just the thought of that caused me far more pain than I thought possible.
I also took in his appearance; Ray was still naked and maybe looking at him wasn’t a good idea right now. I’d already hurt him so much because I couldn’t control myself, also it made realize just how painfully thin the man had become over the past few months. Looking at him made me want to love him and protect him, maybe wrap him in cotton wool so no one else could ever hurt him again, Instead I wrapped my arm tightly around his thin frame and kissed him on the forehead, then exhaustion and lack of sleep finally kicked in and claimed me also.
I dreamt of the first day I met Ray, the man hugged me straight away and made me feel like I meant something to him and it was something I’d never felt before. Well, there was other people in my life, yet this man was a stranger and I realized within no time that he had a heart of gold. I guess I realized that on that very first day when he also took a bullet for me too, Ray Kowalski was a good man and the best partner a man could ever wish for.
I’d learnt so much about him when I’d checked his files and realized he was a good policeman too, despite his claims that he was inadequate. I had to wonder if that was how he truly felt about himself, as that day in the crypt he’d truly stolen my heart and I fell in love with him. I’d even wanted to kiss him when he’d asked if I found him attractive, then suddenly he was in my face and telling me it was all over between us, also how he never wanted to see me again.
My eyes flew open and I realized it was a dream and Ray was still asleep in my arms, and then I also realized that my face was wet and I was silently crying. Maybe because my dream could still become a reality, I’d had Ray and I’d abused his trust and drove him away. That was why I had to make the most of this, Ray could suddenly come to his senses and realize just who it was that held him close. Then Ray suddenly spoke and I froze, thankfully he was talking in his sleep and I might have a bit more time with the man I loved.
“Frase, where are ya Frase?”
“Right here, Ray.”
“Frase, I’m scared…”
“I’ve got you, Ray. And I won’t let anything happen to you again.”
“Ya promise, Frase?”
“You’re safe, Ray so just relax and sleep.”
“Love ya, Frase.”
“As I do you, Ray.”
The declaration of love was too much and suddenly the tears were back, I’d used this man and I knew that deep down he still loved me despite what I’d done to him, and that broke my heart. There had to be a way past all of this and I couldn’t give up, to throw it all away and us both be lonely was an unbearable thought. Ray had already suffered so much and deserved to be loved, loved in a way no one else had ever managed to love him.
Ray was becoming rather restless now and I knew he was dreaming, yet I had a feeling that the dream was more a nightmare by the way he was moaning. I could also see the perspiration that appeared on his forehead and above his top lip, yet I was afraid to do anything to help in case I made it worse and he lashed out at me. All I wanted was for him to sleep and get the rest he so much needed, and it was then that I realized he needed someone to make the nightmares go away.
I soon realized that subconsciously my hand had moved to his back and was now rubbing it, just gentle little circles that he seemed to relax into. I kept it up when I noticed his breathing become more regular and his body become lax once more, finally Ray had fully relaxed and was now in a deep sleep once more. I thought about all that had happened to him and what Joe Dick had done to him, maybe it was time to tell Ray about the man and how he was no longer here, God, then I had to wonder if Ray would shoulder the blame for his death. Ray blamed himself for a lot that wasn’t his fault, he also seemed to carry the guilt with him no matter where he went.
Now I was crying once more and I couldn’t stop the tears, I was crying for myself this time and for what I’d become, also for what I’d lost. My mind raced and I thought back to a time when I was six years old, a time when it had all gone wrong for me with the death of my mother. Even back then I could be difficult and over the years I let very few people get close to me, so how could I have been so stupid to lose the person I’d let into my life and my heart.
I slowly drifted back to reality and opened my eyes; my first thought was to panic and get as far away from Fraser as possible. Well especially considering the fact I was laid in his arms and naked, and the only thing that stopped me was the sight before me. Fraser was fast asleep and had a deep frown upon his face, the same face that was also wet from the tears that were falling. Shit how the hell could I just push him away; this was Fraser after all and I still loved him.
Yet my brain was screaming at me to run, I’d trusted him and he’d let me down. I just tried telling myself that things could have got far worse, Fraser could have done far worse things to me and I knew that, also he’d told me and that meant a lot in itself. Fraser admitted he did wrong, yet he was still honest with me when he could have just lied and I’d have never even known. Okay, part of me wondered if not knowing would have made this easier.
I found myself reaching out and wiping the tears away with my thumb, I didn’t want to see him upset and I knew this could possibly destroy him. Fraser was the most honest person I’d ever met and this would eat away at him, and maybe it was time that I was there for him as he was for me.
“Come on, Frase. Wake up Fraser.”
“Yeah, it’s me buddy.”
I saw the frown on his face and I knew he was trying to figure me out, and then he panicked and tried to move away from me. That just made me wrap my arms around him and hold on tight, as this was something we had to deal with together as partners, and maybe as possibly lovers.
“Frase, don’t do that okay.”
“Do what, Ray?”
“Don’t push me away, I need ya, Frase and I need to deal with all of this.”
“Frase, I need to know what ya want from me, I need to know if ya want to work this out and if you love…never mind…”
“You don’t ever have to question my love for you Ray and yes I want to work things out, it’s just I have a track record of hurting you.”
“Frase, ya never really hurt me and I guess I realized that, I’m still not happy that you did it though.”
“I thought you were straight, Ray. I also thought you’d hate me if you knew how badly I wanted you. Even after I kissed you I was unsure, then that day you sat there naked and I thought, well hoped that it was my presence that turned you on.”
“I don’t remember much, but if ya were in the room it would be.”
“Do I turn you on, Ray?”
“Hell yeah, yet I thought you were the straight one. We stopped communicating Frase and look what happened to us, yer my best friend and I shoulda trusted ya.”
“I am also at fault, Ray, yet I was afraid and didn’t confide in you. Ray, are you saying that you want a relationship with me, that you’d like to at least try?”
“Yeah, I guess so…”
“Ray, you don’t sound too sure about it.”
“I want ya, Frase. But it won’t be easy after what happened to me.”
“I know, Ray, I do believe that time and help could make this a lot easier on you. I won’t push you and we can take it as slow as you want, also this time I will do everything in my power to help you.”
“Thanks, Frase can I kiss ya now?”
“Of course, Ray.”
Suddenly my mouth found his and I gently kissed his warm lips, his mouth and the kiss were perfect and I just wanted more. I wanted to taste him and totally take control of the man beside me, that was why I soon prized his mouth open with my tongue and pushed it inside. Fraser wasted no time and we were soon fighting over whose tongue was going where, yet eventually I had to pull away just so I could breathe. It seemed strange to think Fraser had already kissed me, yet to me this was the first time I’d kissed him.
“Frase, are ya okay?”
“I’m more than okay, Ray…”
“I guess ya already kissed me so ya know what it’s like.”
“Ray this was nothing like that I assure you, last time we barely kissed and I had to stop because you were crying.”
“Ah shit, I’m surprised you want anything to do with me.”
“Ray, I love you.”
“I love you too, Frase.”
“Ray, will you do something for me?”
“I want you to come and try eat something, I’ve made some soup and that might be easier for you.”
“What no pizza.”
“Ray, I promise to get you pizza later if the soup stays down.”
I grabbed a pair of sweatpants and went to sit on the couch, maybe Frase was right and the soup would do me some good. Well, I knew that I never wanted to go back to the drip and other shit that Frase had used on me. Maybe the handcuffs though, well that was if I ever got over all this other shit, hmm there was a thought.
“Frase, can I ask ya somethin?”
“Of course, Ray.”
“Would ya let me handcuff ya one day?”
“I take it that would turn you on?”
“It would be my pleasure, Ray.”
“I always knew ya were a freak.”
“Your freak, Ray, and only yours.”
I realized that we still had what we’d had before, and I also realized that we were still friends and the bond we shared was still strong. If anything, the bond was even stronger now and we were partners in far more ways than before. There were red ships and there were green ships, but there were no ships like partnerships and we were good together. Fraser was my partner now and always, we had something that was far too good to lose and worth fighting for no matter how hard it may be.
I was thankful that Ray was willing to give us another chance, the next few days would also be a test for all of us and I had to say goodbye to Ray Vecchio. I loved the man and without him I wouldn’t be where I were now, thankfully his cover was still intact within the mob, and for that I was grateful. He’d even managed to talk my Ray into returning to work as his cover, Ray would go mad without his work and I wanted him there beside me. Ray was a police man through and through and a damn good one at that, I think deep down he was glad that Lieutenant Welsh had refused his resignation.
Then there was our own relationship, I’d not left Rays side since the day I found him drunk and unconscious. We were relaxed together and even shared a bed come night, yet other than kissing we barely touched and that hurt me. I was used to the Ray that was always touching me and up in my face so to speak, and that was why I decided it might be good to return to the Consulate for a day or so. Now I just had to tell Ray my plans, also I wanted to call at the library too and check out some things regarding Joe.
“Ray, would it be okay if I left you alone until tomorrow, it’s just I need to check on Dief and get some clean clothes?”
“Frase, I’m a grown man and a detective, so I’m sure that I’ll survive a day here without ya. I have stuff to do too so I understand, can I just as ya to do one thing for me though.”
“What would that be, Ray?”
“Will you bring Dief back with you?”
“Of course, Ray, I’m sure that Dief has missed you and will be happy to see you.”
“Yeah right, he’ll be missing the junk food more like knowing Dief.”
“Very true, I’ll just grab my bag from the bedroom then and get going.”
I went into the bedroom and grabbed my bag; I was still a little unsure about Ray and where his mind was at right now. I guess that was why I did what I did, I knew he would say I should trust him and maybe I should, and yet I still removed all the bullets from his gun. Once done, I placed it back in the draw and covered it with some clothing, my plan was to see if it moved while I were gone.
Very soon I’d kissed Ray goodbye and headed towards the library first, once there I used the computer to get all the information I could on Joe Dick. I already knew all about the man and this time it was for Ray, I had to make him understand what had happened to Joe as he a had a right to know. Soon I had it all printed up and was on my way back to the Consulate, where I’d not actually worked a single day since returning from Canada.
Everything was the same and inspector Thatcher was sympathetic to my needs and those of Ray, she even suggested I remain on leave until Ray was well enough to return to work. I did explain to her that Ray was now eating and even looked a lot healthier, he still had a long way to go and would need to put some weight back on his thin body. Ray was naturally thin so this scared me just thinking about Ray back at work, maybe he would do well to go to the gym first and give his muscles some exercise. I guess it scared me that he could get hurt and deep down I knew it was irrational, even thin Ray was a force to be reckoned with and claimed the bigger they were the harder they fell.
I knew I should give Ray some more credit than I did, and maybe I was the one who had the most issues when it came to my partner and the man I loved. Well, I had to stop getting way ahead of myself and just deal with the here and now, take each day as it came so to speak. I had Dief following me around and he seemed extremely happy with my return, then he went over and sat in the farthest corner sulking. I think he was rather hoping that Ray would be with me as that meant junk food, I’d mentioned this before and Ray was no better at listening to me than Dief was. They both had a thing for sweet things and junk food, that made me think about Ray and how I’d call at a bakery on my way back tomorrow. The calories wouldn’t harm him and right now I would give him anything just to see that smile, the man had the most gorgeous smile and my heart beat faster knowing he smiled at me like that. Night soon came and I decided to give Ray a call before I settled down for some sleep myself, it was early but I really needed some decent sleep tonight.
Ray assured me that he was okay and had ate the food I’d left for him, also that he was just watching some television before going to bed himself, He then told me that he loved me and would see me some time tomorrow with Dief, yet part of me heard some unsaid words in the tone he used and the way he spoke in general. Something was bothering Ray and I was unsure what to do, did I return tonight or just give him some space. Ray could always just be tired and I was overreacting, and I knew that wasn’t good as Ray would soon become rather annoyed with me. In the end I decided to stay here for the night, morning would come fast enough and then I’d see that Ray was okay and didn’t need me to watch over him all the time.
I had to admit that Fraser had surprised me when he said he had to leave, now I felt guilty and wondered if it were me and things weren’t moving along fast enough. Shit maybe Frase really thought I was pathetic and would never get over what happened in Canada, and for all I knew he might be right. Great, way to go Ray, think about what happened when I’m here alone and couldn’t even get drunk this time, well I guess I could always go out if everything became too much.
In the end I cleaned up somewhat, basically I shoved everything away so it just appeared cleaner than before and it would look like I did something, Then I just flopped down on the couch and turned on the tv, I had to just get a grip and stop my fuckin brain from working overtime. I had Fraser now and there was no reason for me to feel this way, well unless Fraser really was bored and this was his way of ending it. God, I would drive myself mad with all of this, you see here I was again with this non communication thing that always got me into trouble.
Night came and Fraser called me to talk, he did his usual lecture and wanted to know everything I’d done and if I’d ate. For some reason this depressed me even more and it felt wrong, it felt as if Fraser was just going through the motions like a friend would and not my lover. Then finally he told me that he loved me, the words I wanted to hear and still wouldn’t believe were true, how could anyone really love me anyway.
Fraser was this gorgeous man who could have anyone he wanted, especially as he was really smart too and had so much to offer. I was a scrawny cop with an attitude and experimental hair, yeah, an attitude that could always land me in trouble along with Fraser. What did I truly have to offer him, fuck all that’s what? Okay I had to drop this train of thought and deal with it when Fraser was here, that or I’d drive myself mad long before tomorrow came.
I was a grown man and could take care of myself and do what I wanted, and right now all I wanted was a drink. I quickly changed and grabbed my wallet and car keys without even thinking about where I was going. I could take the car to the nearest liquor store, yet I was a cop and I knew I couldn’t drive to a bar without getting into trouble. In the end I decided to throw the keys down and walk to the nearest bar, the fresh air felt good on my face and I realized I hadn’t been out in over a week now.
I walked into the nearest bar to find it heaving and I struggled to reach the bar, also the music was deafening and I realized I was getting too old for all this crap. That made me think back to the last time I was in a bar and that wasn’t good, I even looked around expecting to find Joe behind me, Finally I caught the bartender’s attention and ordered a couple of double vodkas. I guess I was worried that I might not get served again for ages, also I wanted to drown out the thoughts I were having regarding Joe Dick. The alcohol went straight to my head and I felt really dizzy, yet it never stopped me from downing a few more shots before the night ended. Okay so maybe it was stupid after my recent illness, oh and I’d lied to Fraser about eating and never told him it went in the bin.
I walked outside, well only just walked outside as my head was dizzy and my legs felt like jelly, plus I was freezing cold too. I guess my skinny ass always felt the cold and tonight it was fuckin cold, also the walk home was taking far longer than it normally would too. I suppose having to stop to throw up wasn’t helping either, oh and the fact I had to keep sitting down along the way too. At one point a local cop asked me if I needed any assistance or if he could call someone, I figured it wasn’t a good idea telling him I was a cop or that my lover was a Canadian Mountie.
I had no idea what time it was when I reached my apartment building, I just knew that I had no energy left and couldn’t even make it upstairs to my apartment, my mind kept seeing Joe laughing at me as he stood there kissing Fraser. I lashed out and punched the brick wall hard before collapsing to the ground, then I just sat there and held my hand against my chest. It was a stupid thing to do but I couldn’t change what was done. I tried flexing my fingers and knew that they weren’t broken, yet they were badly cut and already starting to swell up, which was great when I had to use a gun real soon.
The cold was starting to seep through my clothes as I sat on the cold steps, maybe in a while I’d be able to get up and go inside where it was warm and wait for Fraser. Now my chest ached along with my hand, I’d started to think about Fraser and how he might not even come back. No this was Fraser after all, he’d still show up and tell me to my face if it was over. Yeah, well maybe I should be the one that ended it all, Fraser left here trusting me to take care of myself and look how I’d done that. Shit Fraser would take one look at me and run a fuckin mile, not that I could blame him if he did. The tears came and I couldn’t stop them as I was worthless and a fuck up, in the end I fell asleep right where I sat and would deserve all I got.
As usual, I was up at the crack of dawn and I couldn’t wait to go and see Ray. I was unsure about going too early as he wasn’t a morning person by far, so I’d cleaned up my office and decided to hell with it all. Dief was in need of a walk as were I, and that was why I decide to take a slow walk over there hoping I wouldn’t wake Ray too early. Nothing went as planned though as I wasn’t the only one that was impatient, Dief kept on running ahead and then coming back for me.
I knew he hadn’t seen Ray for a while now and that he was bothered by it, Dief liked Ray and I think it was for more than just the donuts too, I knew that Dief was wise and he’d see that Ray protected me just as Dief did. We got close and Dief kept barking at me to get a move on and then ran off again, something had changed though as we got closer to Ray’s apartment and Dief was different, Now he was really barking at me and it sent shivers down my spine, Dief would only bark like that if something was wrong.
I went as fast as I could and rounded the next corner and his apartment building was in sight, that was when I saw Ray on the steps and Dief was sat beside him whining. At first, I thought maybe Ray couldn’t sleep and just wanted some fresh air, yet then there was Dief and that made me realize something was seriously amiss here. I ran until I reached the steps and then I checked Ray over, he was out cold and he was freezing too.
I knew that Ray must have sat here like this for some time, also he was at risk of hypothermia unless I got him inside and fast. In the end I had to take most of his weight and get him upstairs, he was light and underweight but it was still a strain as he was a dead weight. Once there I stripped him of his damp clothes and lay him down on the bed, I covered him up apart from his hand that was bleeding. Well, it didn’t take me long to realize he’d gone out drinking either, I just couldn’t understand why he’d do it now of all times. Oh, and then there was his hand with the raw damaged knuckles, and it didn’t take a genius to work out how that happened.
I applied some of the salve I carried knowing that Ray would moan about the smell, well that was his problem and maybe next time he’ll think twice before hitting walls. Even so, all that would have to wait as my main priority was to get him warm again. I knew all about hypothermia and how body heat was the best way to deal with the problem, and it wasn’t like Ray was in a position to stop me from holding him close.
Once settled it was just a matter of playing the waiting game and that I could do, especially as I wanted some answers regarding the previous evening. I drifted in and out of sleep as I waited for Ray to wake, and I only knew he’d woke because Dief was whining again and trying to lick Ray’s face. Hmm I soon realized that they were tears Dief was licking away and that he was worried about Ray, then I was worried too as Ray suddenly sat up and threw his arms around Dief.
“God how I’ve missed ya Dief.”
“I am sure that he’s missed you too, Ray.”
“Frase, shit I’m so sorry.”
“Ray, I don’t want you to say that, I want you to tell me why you did it and what you hoped to achieve.”
“I always figured ya could do better than me Frase, and then ya wanted to leave me and I thought ya might have come to ya senses and all.”
“Just listen to me, Frase will ya? Look I would understand if you don’t want to be here with me, shit I though ya had left me so I went and got drunk.”
“Ray we really need to communicate, I left you because I thought you might want some space, so in that respect we are as bad as each other.”
“Frase, do ya really wanna be here with me?”
“Very much so, Ray. If I had my way you’d never get rid of me either. Ray you must talk to me and not bury your head in a bottle next time, also none of that explains your hand.”
“Shit I forget about that.”
I watched as Ray looked down at the now bandaged hand and smiled, it was a smile that lit up his whole face and my heart swelled to see him happy. Even so, I knew I wouldn’t do him any favors if I became sidetracked, I had to know why Ray would do something like that to himself.
“Ray, please tell me.”
“Okay, I got drunk and started to think about Joe and then you were with him. I could see the two of you laughing at me and then he was kissing ya Frase and I lost it.”
“This is why you shouldn’t drink, Ray. Are you even aware that you could have died sat there on those steps?”
“Ray, you were freezing cold…”
“Yeah, I get it, I’m pathetic and always fuck up as usual. Shit Frase, I dream that he comes looking for me and hurts me again!”
“Ray, I think there’s some things you should see and know.”
“What ya talkin about, Frase?”
“You will see, get dressed and I will make you a warm drink.”
“No funny tea, Frase.”
“Ray, do as I say and then go sit on the couch.”
“Bossy Mountie, always demanding shit from me.”
I went into the kitchen and smiled to myself, I loved Ray when he was smiling and joking about everything, well I hoped he was joking anyway. Hmm well I guess I wasn’t totally innocent and sometimes I liked the idea of being in charge, especially if I got to cuff Ray and play with his delectable body.
I sat on the couch and had even brought the cover from the bed with me, well I was still cold despite the clothes I now wore and needed it. I then closed my eyes and wondered what Fraser had to show me and if it would change things, and deep down I was still scared that he planned to leave me again. We were partners and Frase spent most of his time with me, what with work and then him coming over here most evenings. It made me wonder if what Fraser had just said was the truth or not, well he was a Mountie so I knew I shouldn’t question him all the time. It was just that he’d said, if I had my way, you’d never get rid of me.
I had an idea but would wait to see what Fraser had to say first, as there was no point me opening my big mouth until this was over or I might look an even bigger idiot than I do now. Fraser finally joined me and placed a cup on the coffee table, also I couldn’t miss the folder that he was carrying in his other hand.
“Hey, ya made me coffee and even added some chocolate.”
“I’m not totally incentive to your needs, Ray. Also, there was no point making you something you wouldn’t even drink.”
“Well thanks, Frase.”
“You’re most welcome, Ray.”
“Frase, whatcha wanna show me, it’s not some dirty pictures of ya is it?”
“Sorry, I’m just kinda nervous right now.”
“Ray, I’m here for you and I always will be, look I just need you to see the photos so you can understand something.”
I picked up the folder and held it like it was gonna bite me, then I took a deep breath and removed the contents. The first two showed some blonde guy on a stage and playing a guitar, straight away I realized that he was my fuckin double and that creeped me out. Okay I could ask the questions and flip out after I’d looked at the rest, shit and that was when I was so thankful that my stomach was empty.
“What the fuck is this, Frase? Shit are ya trying to give me nightmares for the rest of my fuckin life?”
“Ray, I know it’s hard…”
“No shit Sherlock!”
“Ray, you’re well aware that Joe Dick was a singer, and I’m also sure that you see the resemblance with the guitarist?”
“Yeah, so what about it?”
“I managed to contact the guitarist and he explained a few things to me, Ray, him and Joe had a very volatile relationship and yes they slept together. I think there was a lot of denial and Joe has used him in the past, not that the guitarist seemed bothered and he’d expected Joe to sleep with him when they reunited.”
“Shit, this wasn’t making love or even consensual, Frase.”
“From what I believe they preferred it if one took the lead so to speak, then afterwards that could deny it all. However, that night Joe was drunk and he honestly believed that you were the guitarist, he even had a name for the man and I truly believe he loved him.”
“What was the name, Frase?”
“The guitarist’s name is Billy Tallent, but Joe always referred to him as Billiam.”
“Oh shit, are ya trying to say this all happened cos I was in the wrong place at the wrong time?”
“Unfortunately, it appears that way, he was to learn later that Billy had gone off somewhere and that it wasn’t him in that room.”
“I bet that fucked him up.”
“Well, he did learn that you were a detective and he struggled to deal with what he’d done, then it turned out that the man he loved was also going to leave him. Billy was moving on and didn’t want anything to do with Joe.”
“Great, now I don’t know if I’m still angry with him or feel sorry for him.”
“Ray, there is one other thing that you should know.”
“Frase, shit I don’t know if I can handle anymore right now. Fuck, these guys play a fuckin dangerous game and have some fucked up relationship and I suffer. He fuckin raped me and I have a right to be pissed…”
“Ray, I’m not saying that you don’t…”
“Do ya know what I wanted to do, Frase?”
“No Ray, I would like you to tell me though.”
“I wanted to go back to Canada and find him, then I wanted to take my gun out and put a bullet in the fuckers head.”
“Understood, but you didn’t and that’s what matters at the end of the day.”
“Yeah, because I’m a fuckin loser.”
“No, you didn’t do it because you’re a decent caring man, Ray. It would have torn you apart to live with that, knowing you’d killed someone without even a fair trial.”
“Yeah whatever, you’ll wake up one day Frase and see the real me.”
“Ray, I already do, and that’s the man that I fell in love with.”
“Okay just spit it out then, Frase, I just want this behind me so I can move on.”
“Oh dear, how do I say this without you getting upset?”
“Frase, I only have so much patience ya know.”
“Okay, Joe Dick killed himself a few days after he assaulted you Ray.”
“Oh, fuck no…shit so he’s dead because of me?”
“No Ray, so you can get that idea right out of your head. The man was troubled long before that and his life was falling apart, also he was losing his only true reason to stay alive.”
“He must have really loved this Billy then.”
“I believe so, it’s the past now Ray and you have to move on. I will not lose you now I have you and you would do well to remember that. Both of them should have communicated better and this might never have happened, and that’s why I’m glad we both came out in the open and admitted our feelings for each other.”
“Yeah, me too.”
I sat here thinking about everything that had happened, and yes, I did feel sorry for the man that had abused me. Especially as he wasn’t some monster who went around raping people, he was in love and they were both far too afraid to admit their feelings. Even Billy had taken what Joe did to him in his stride, I guess they were two fucked up people that both suffered in the end. I looked over at Fraser and my heart beat faster, no way did I want to fuck up what I had and lose Fraser.
I watched Ray and knew he was deep in thought; I also knew that he was a compassionate kind caring man who felt far more deeply than he let on. Ray would understand that the man had never truly intended to hurt him, he would also move on and accept what he had in life because Ray loved with a passion I’d never seen in anyone else. I guess that was why it had never worked with Stella, he loved and found it hard to let go once he became committed.
I wondered if Ray would ever love me in the same way, because I would give anything to have the man as my life partner so I could keep him safe. In some ways we were very much alike and I hoped we never lost whet we had together either. Maybe Ray would need some professional help and an outside opinion to deal with what had happened to him, and I knew the hardest part would be telling him that. I smiled at him and realized that he was miles away, and when Ray was lost in thought it usually meant something was bothering him.
“Ray. Ray. Ray…”
“Sorry, I was miles away.”
“Yes, I’d noticed, talk to me and tell me what’s on your mind right now.”
“I know this might sound a bit strange…”
“Ray, I love you and want to know what’s bothering you.”
“I need to know how he died, Frase. Shit I need to know if he suffered or anything.”
“Oh Ray, it’s far from strange and it makes me realize why I love you.”
“Whatcha talkin about, Frase?”
“Your ability to care overwhelms me at times, Ray.”
“Frase, don’t ya be getting all mushy on me.”
“Sorry, Ray, Joe Dick shot himself in the head outside a concert venue.”
“Ray, it was fast and he was intoxicated. I’m sure it was far too quick and he wouldn’t have suffered.”
“What for, Ray?”
“For finding out about all this and helping me deal with it.”
“It’s my pleasure, and I would do anything to see you smile and be happy.”
“Yes Ray, why is there something else that you’d like to share with me?”
“Nah, ya will think I’m, Frase.”
“I would never think that of you, Ray. If it bothers you it also bothers me.”
“Oh, greatness, so I get to tell ya and ya won’t laugh at me?”
“No, I won’t laugh at you, Ray.”
Sometimes dealing with Ray was like dealing with a small child, he was just so full of energy and always moving around when something bothered him. Oh, and also, he really had to stop thinking so little of himself, all the time, it was as if he always needed to be reassured that he was worthy of listening to.
“Actually, I don’t wanna tell ya anything, Frase.”
“Ray, I meant what I said.”
“I know Frase, I just meant that I wanna ask ya somethin and not tell ya somethin…”
“Understood, so, ask away then, Ray.”
“Frase, ya said that ya didn’t want to leave me… and you spend every day with me and nearly every evening too and I was wondering. Frase, what I’m trying to say is…well ya don’t have to answer me now or even say yes, look it was just a thought and maybe it was stupid…”
“Frase, will ya move in with me…”
My heart broke as I watched Ray, he was still so unsure of himself and just what it was we had between us. It was as if he were trying to talk himself out of asking and that hurt, but not as much as the look he now had on his gorgeous face. Ray looked so sad and ready to cry or storm out, and that was when I realized I hadn’t even answered him. Well, they do say actions speak far louder than words, so I figured I had nothing to lose by doing both. I moved closer to Ray and put my arms around him as I pulled him close, then I whispered in his ear.
“The answer is yes, Ray.”
“Really, ya mean it, Frase?
“As you said, we practically live together already and this is just a formality.”
Ray never answered me and he’d gone extremely quiet, and now I had to wonder if he was the one who’d changed his mind. Well, this had to be dealt with and I had to face things head on, Ray would have to talk to me and tell me to my face if he’d changed his mind. I held his jaw and lifted his face up so I could look at him, oh dear me, I soon realized Ray was silently sobbing and didn’t want me to see.
I held him against my chest and let him cry, maybe it was what he needed to deal with all this and get it out of his system. One day I would make him realize that crying was perfectly acceptable, and that I would never think him lesser a man for doing so. Ray Kowalski was a man that was worth loving and I hoped I could give him all he needed, he had to realize I loved him and would die before I let anything or anyone harm him.
Life went on and soon we were both back at work, Ray was just like his old self and work kept him busy. We both knew that he wouldn’t have survived without his job either, it was part of who Ray was and it made him a far better person. I still worked most days with him and I wouldn’t have it any other way, and thankfully he managed the days I couldn’t be there with him. At the end of the day, I worked at the consulate and had a duty there, well unless Ray needed me and then he would always come first
I was pleased that my best friend Ray Vecchio was also safe and well, my lover went out of his way to make sure his cover wasn’t blown and I knew he did that for me too. Ray was a good cop and would protect another officer, he would also protect someone that I called my friend too. I’d promised to love Ray and make sure no one would ever hurt him, and I had every intention of keeping to my word. It had not even crossed my mind that it could be me, in the end I would be the one that hurt him and caused the nightmares to return.
It was good to be back at work and have Fraser at my side in more ways than the obvious, and I guess it worked well most of the time too. I was always impatient though and always wanted more from Fraser, I guess that was why I had no one to blame other than myself when it went wrong. Okay, I was getting frustrated having Fraser this close without any action, don’t get me wrong, we kissed and cuddled. Bottom line, I wanted more and Fraser thought it was too soon.
Part of me pushed because I felt insecure, I got these thoughts in my head and I couldn’t get rid of them. Like why the hell would Fraser want to touch me like that, I was dirty now and it would ruin his clean reputation. I knew I was sulking and couldn’t help myself, that was why I pushed him even farther that night in bed. It was a Friday evening and we both had the weekend off and could spend it together, ha, I just wanted to spend the weekend in bed.
Well, I always figured I knew best, soon Fraser decided to take Dief for a walk while I took a shower and got ready for bed. Normally we slept in underwear so that we could try and restrain ourselves, yet tonight I climbed in bed without a single stitch of clothing on. I lay there waiting until I heard the door and Fraser return, then soon he came to bed and it was time to truly claim the Mountie as mine.
“Frase, hurry up and come to bed.”
“I’ll be with you in a minute, Ray.”
“I love you.”
“As I do you, Ray.”
Fraser used the bathroom and soon stood there in his boxers; hmm I knew there was no way I could get him to remove them yet. It looked like I’d have to wait until he was in bed with me and then use the Ray charm, I’d turn Fraser on and then he wouldn’t be able to refuse me. I knew I was a cocky bastard at times, but hell, leave it to Fraser and we’d never get farther than first base. I pressed right against him and he put his arm round me to hold me, Frase liked stroking my back and then suddenly his hand stopped when he reached my ass.
“Is there a problem, Frase?”
“Ray, we’ve already discussed this.”
“No. you talked Fraser and it was your decision, ya can never trust me to know what I want…”
“Ray, please don’t do this tonight.”
“You don’t want me do ya, Frase?”
“What are you talkin about, Ray?”
“I’m dirty now and I’m not good enough for ya.”
“Ray, I do not think that at all. I love you and I’m scared it’s too soon and you’ll suffer.”
“Frase, just kiss me will ya, take it slow and I should be good to go.”
“Indeed, I guarantee you that we will be taking extremely slow, Ray.”
“Hmm death by Mountie.”
“Come on Frase, ya know I ain’t good with waiting.”
“Well, it’s that or nothing Ray.”
“Yeah, I get it, slow it is then Frase.”
Soon Frasers warm mouth found mine and his kiss was so passionate, oh and then I was so gone as his tongue parted my lips and found its way inside. I knew that I was moaning and I didn’t care, I was even shameless as I tried to hump Fraser’s leg without getting anywhere. I could also feel his hands as he ran them up and down my spine, and then suddenly his hand stroked even lower and soon found my ass once more.
I concentrated on his mouth and tried so hard to block out his hand, I wanted to get so desperate that I wouldn’t try stopping him. Fraser wasn’t stupid and wouldn’t miss a thing if I reacted, I also knew he’d stop what he was doing and I’d never find my way past the initial start. I moaned into his mouth making sure he knew how much he turned me on, to let him know that I was okay with all of this.
Then suddenly I could breathe again as his hand moved away and moved up towards my face, that same said hand was stroking my cheek and then he pulled his mouth away from mine. Knowing Frase, yeah, I bet he was checking to see if I were crying again. Well fuck him, this time I would show him and we’d go all the way.
“Ray. Are you okay with all of this?”
“Yeah Frase, I’m good.”
“Frase, it’s greatness so stop worrying will ya, I have to do this so please…”
Fraser got out of bed and at first I was starting to panic, then I realized he was going to actually remove his underwear. This was something new and I’d never actually seen Fraser naked despite we were together, soon my heart was racing and I was eager to touch him there. Frase had other ideas though and soon he was kissing me again, not that I could help myself as I slipped my hand down and found his erection.
“Ray, please, oh my…”
“Ya like that, Frase…”
“Very much so, and that’s why you must stop or I won’t be able to make love to you.”
“Yeah okay I get it., ya just feel so good Frase and I don’t wanna let go…”
Fraser had ways and was willing to play dirty if it made me stop, soon his talented mouth moved lower and he was sucking hard on one of my nipples until it was hard. Then he alternated between the two while I moaned like some desperate slut, well in some ways I had gone a long time and was far beyond desperate now.
“You’re gorgeous, Ray. God, I want to make love to you.”
I was far too gone to answer him, then I felt his hand rubbing my ass again and my breathing became heavy. I kept telling myself that this is Fraser and he wouldn’t hurt me or anyone for that matter, not that my brain registered my own thoughts right now. Fraser slipped a finger into my ass and I couldn’t take it, I started to panic and I knew I had to get as far away from Fraser as possible.
This was the closest I’d ever got to Ray without my clothes on and I knew things wouldn’t last long, even less if Ray kept stroking my erection with those gorgeous talented fingers. The man was just so responsive and I couldn’t ger enough of him, and the noises he made just turned me on even more. Ray was so sensual and he was also mine, where I was more possessive and knew I couldn’t let him go without one hell of a fight, and it was one I’d be determined to win.
I ran my fingers down his spine and felt him move beneath me, Ray was pushing his body up and I knew he was hard and wanted the friction. Not tonight though, tonight I wanted to be deep inside his pliant body and to make love to him. Soon I was running my hand down even farther until I reached his ass, then my finger found that tight little hole and I forced a finger deep inside him. Ray was moaning and I was becoming desperate, yet something felt off and Ray was pushing hard against my chest.
“Frase, get the fuck off me…”
I pulled back and realized that he was crying and rather distraught, I knew it was too soon and he’d refused to listen to me as usual. I knew I had to stop this and try to calm him down before he lost it, and then I realized it was already too late and Ray was still somewhere in the past.
“Ray, please calm down.”
“Get the fuck off me, Frase…”
“Okay, look I’m not touching you now and it’s going to be alright, Ray.”
“Get the fuck out, Frase.”
“Get the fuck away from me, and get outta here or I’ll kick ya in the head!”
“You don’t mean that, Ray.”
“Fuck off or else.”
I knew there was nothing I could do right now; Ray wasn’t thinking straight and he wouldn’t let me anywhere near him. I took a deep breath and gave it all I had, one more go and then I’d have to leave if that was what he wanted.
I knelt beside the bed and touched him gently on the arm to calm him down, and all I got in return was his fist connecting with my jaw. I got up and moved away from the bed, soon I was dressed and had my stuff packed in a hold all. Maybe I was stupid to run away from him and all of this, yet deep down my heart was breaking into tiny pieces and I had to leave or start crying. I slowly went back towards the bed and looked down at Ray, I knew he was still awake and yet he refused to open his eyes and look at me, I also couldn’t miss the tears. This hurt so much and I was afraid to even touch him now, the evening had started out so promising and now look at the pair of us.
I had a feeling that I was losing Ray and what we have together, he was also my friend and I wasn’t prepared to lose him or for him to get hurt. I guess all I could do was give him some space and take it from there, and it was hard as he scared the hell out of me, I could still remember how he went out drinking when things got bad before.
I turned to Dief and told him to stay here with Ray, as I believed Ray was more in need of Dief than I were right now. Hmm then as an afterthought, I also told Dief to come and get me if Ray needed me or some help. I knew that I could trust Dief as he would do anything to protect Ray, even if that meant keeping him here in this apartment.
I took a slow walk back to the Consulate as there was no real rush, I had no one there waiting to comfort me and help me through the pain I felt inside. The air was cool and the warm tears turned cold as they ran down my cheeks, maybe I did miss Dief and wished he was here for me too as he was all I had left now. No, I would sacrifice myself before I left Ray alone with his own personal demons.
The Consulate was quiet and I managed to slip past Turnbull, then soon I was in my own room and I felt far more alone now than I’d ever felt before. I guess I’d had a taste of what I wanted and now I would suffer, I knew what I was missing now and what I’d never have again. Saturday morning was hard as we were meant to be spending it together, so the day dragged as I couldn’t remain focused on anything. Come the evening nothing had changed at all, I sat at my desk watching the phone and waiting for it to ring, even Dief had stayed away all day and that was worrying in itself.
I was thinking about Ray and praying that he was okay by himself, as half a dozen times I’d picked the phone up just to slam it back down. Ray was the one who wanted me gone, Ray was also the one that had smacked me in the jaw too. I knew that it was wrong to blame him under the circumstances and I knew it wasn’t his fault, and there was nothing I could say or do. Hmm there was a thought, maybe I could get Turnbull to call him and ask about Dief, see if he needs any food for him or anything else. Okay really, I just wanted him to answer the phone so I knew he was still alive and okay, as I sure as hell knew I couldn’t live in a world without Ray Kowalski in it. At least alive I could still see him from afar, and any pain I felt would be inconsequential, Ray was the one who had suffered and not I.
Okay, I was an idiot and fucked up everything I touched. And I guess that was why I deserved to be here with only Dief for company, not that I could understand why Fraser had left the wolf here with me. This weekend was meant to be great and just the two of us together and it hurt so fuckin much, and all I could do was spend the entire day in bed wallowing in my own fuck ups. I couldn’t even be bothered to eat and wasn’t hungry anyway, shit then guilt kicked in when I realized that Dief would need to go out at some point.
I got up and checked my answering machine, well it looked like Fraser didn’t give a shit as there wasn’t even one message from him. Not that I could expect one after punching him in the jaw, shit only five minutes after I claimed I loved him and wanted him. Oh well at least Turnbull had called with regards to Dief, for all I knew that might be Fraser trying to see if I was still alive and kicking. Not that I bothered phoning him back, as it was time to take Dief for a walk and go do some crawling in the hopes of reclaiming my Mountie.
The evening was cold as I took Dief around the park and walked as slow as I possibly could, I guess the thought of Fraser and the possibility of rejection scared the hell outta me right now. Then Dief had other ideas and headed towards the consulate and Fraser, well hopefully it would be all quiet and I could slip in without any questions. I’d forgotten that it was Fraser’s night off and threat meant having to deal with Turnbull first, I hoped Fraser would open the door and let me in; but it wasn’t to be as my luck always sucked.
“Good evening, Detective Vecchio, what brings you here so late?”
“Is Frase here? I just brought Dief back and I need to see him anyway.”
“Yes, would you like me to go and get him for you?”
“Na, I can find him.”
“As you wish.”
“I just thought you should know, Constable Fraser has…oh how do I put it?”
“Cut the mumbo jumbo Turnbull and spit it out will ya?”
“Constable Fraser seems rather angry right now and he hardly talks to anyone, maybe that’s why I should go and let him know you’re here.”
“I’m a big boy and can deal so don’t cha worry about it.”
“As you wish.”
Fuckin polite Mounties, I just wanted to make things up with Fraser and then drag him back home. Oh, I’d noticed how he’d packed a bag before leaving the apartment and that really hurt, get out did not mean move out, well unless that was what he’d wanted. Great now I reached the door and stood there knowing I wasn’t wanted, maybe I could get him to change his mind. I tapped on the door and waited as I didn’t want to piss him off, then suddenly Fraser was stood there and I wanted him more than ever.
“Ray, what are you doing here as it is rather late?”
I couldn’t speak, my mind had gone blank and I couldn’t say anything that would make sense to someone as perfect as Fraser. So, instead I grabbed hold of his top and slammed him against the nearest wall, then I had my mouth over his and was kissing him with everything that I had. I had to show Frase how much I wanted him, how much I loved and needed him. My tongue forced its way into his mouth and I put everything that I had into that kiss, then suddenly Fraser put his hands on my chest and shoved me away from him.
“Ray, you have to stop this right now.”
“Don’t push me away Frase, please… I’m so fuckin sorry and I should never have hurt ya like that.”
“Ray, please sit down as we need to talk.”
I looked at his desk and the only chair in the room, then I sat like a good boy so that I wouldn’t piss Fraser off again. Well sitting on his cot might seem a bit forward and Frase looked… well he looked sortta angry and upset with me. Eventually I sat down and waited to see who was going to talk first, really I should be the one as I’d only just noticed the bruise on Frasers jaw, shit the one that I’d caused with my own hand.
“Frase, look I’m sorry and I should never have hit ya.”
“Ray, I was as much to blame and should never have let things get that far. You see me as some freak or super hero, and I’m just a man Ray with normal feelings. Look I’m trying to tell you that…oh dear this is not coming across as I had planned.”
“It’s me, yeah I already know that Frase and I shoulda listened to ya.”
“What I am trying to say is, you shouldn’t start things unless you are ready, Ray. You push all of my buttons and then it becomes hard to stop, I ‘m scared that one day you change your mind and I’m too far gone to stop myself.”
“Shit I hadn’t thought about it like that, Frase.”
“I don’t want to ever hurt you, Ray, but I only have so much self control when I’m around you. To be honest, I don’t think you realize how much influence you have over me, you radiate so much energy and you draw people around you like a moth to a flame.”
“Whatcha sayin, Frase. That it’s me and ya think I make ya or somethin?”
“Ray, you really need to pay attention.”
“English then, Frase.”
“You’re a first grade detective Ray, think about what happened and how things could have turned out. I thought you were turned on and moaning with pleasure, what if I’d carried on, what would that make me in your eyes?”
Oh god suddenly reality sank in and I finally realized what he’d meant, Fraser would have felt like he’d raped me and forced me into it without him even knowing at the time. Then there was me, chances are I would hate him and blame him for forcing himself on me. Shit this whole communication thing wasn’t going too well, so basically, I wasn’t to behave like a slut unless I was ready to deal with Fraser fucking me. Okay that gave me an idea, now I had to see if Frase would agree to it.
I could tell that the penny had dropped and Ray knew what I’d meant, I was actually proud of myself when it came to restraint. I could always restrain and keep myself under control amongst others, and then came along Ray Kowalski and I couldn’t show any restraint around him.
“Frase, are ya even listening?”
“Sorry, please go ahead, Ray.”
“I asked, why did ya leave and take yer stuff?”
“Ray, I’m positive that it was your wish that I leave. You did after all hit me and then tell me to get out.”
“Frase, I asked ya to move in with me, I want it to be our home together.”
“Ray, I did as you asked and nothing more.”
“Frase, get out means go for a walk or somethin, not pack yer bags and go.”
“Ah, understood. Oh Ray, we really need to communicate more.”
“Yeah, well that’s why I want ya to do somethin for me Frase.”
“Anything Ray, you only have to ask.”
“I want ya to come back home, Frase. Once there, I want ya to hypnotize me or cuff me to the bed.”
“Ray, I am far more than willing to come back with you. However, I have no idea why you’d ask me to partake in the other things.”
“Don’t ya see Frase, I will have to face up to my fears if I can’t run away.”
I couldn’t believe that Ray had just asked me to do that, especially considering our relationship last time I hypnotized him. Maybe Ray really did need some professional help to deal with all of this, as he sure wasn’t thinking things through right now.
“Ray, you can’t ask me to do that.”
“Why the hell not, Frase?”
“If I hypnotize you, well technically I will be forcing you to do it. Also, you won’t remember so that won’t achieve anything will it, Ray?”
“Great, typical Mountie who has to know everything. Ah but you never said why you couldn’t cuff me and fuck me.”
“Ray, I want you one hundred percent willing, also I will be making love to you when it happens.”
“Yeah sorry, Frase, but I would be willing.”
“Ray, what happens if I cuff you and you tell me to stop?”
“I just want ya to ignore me, Frase. Then I’d want ya to carry on.”
“So, realistically it would be rape as you said no.”
“Fuck this, maybe it was never meant to happen and I don’t deserve ya, Frase.”
“Ray, I promise you here and now that it will happen. One day you will let me make love to you, and when it happens the wait will be worthwhile.”
“Yeah, but I’m no good at waiting, Frase.”
“Ray, how about I try something, would you be willing to listen to one of my ideas?”
“Yeah, it’s not like I got much to lose is it.”
I looked at Ray and was starting to even doubt my own plan and whether it would work or not, even so, Ray would have to be patient as we were both in need of proper food and sleep. I guess it was also the thought of putting myself into the hands of someone else that worried me, well this was Ray and deep down I knew he would never intentionally hurt me.
“Sorry, Ray, I would like you to cuff me to the bed and use me as you see fit.”
“Ray, you seem to be at a loss for words and that’s not productive to the current situation.”
“Frase, ya want me to what? Do ya know what yer sayin here, are ya all right Frase?
“Ray, I assure that I’ve thought this through and as you said, we don’t have anything to lose do we.”
“Ya really wanna do it, Frase?”
“Very much so, yes, Ray.”
“Why though, how will it help me Frase?”
“Oh Ray, you love with your whole heart and have no problem showing it to me, You also have no problem with touching me all the time, yet for reasons that don’t need explaining right now, you won’t let me touch you, Ray.”
“Hey, I let ya touch me, Frase.”
“Only in certain ways Ray, you will stop me if you think I’m going too far because of what happened. It’s a perfectly healthy reaction, your mind is trying to protect you and make sure it never happens again. However only you can deal with this and accept that it can be different, you can do it my way Ray, or even get professional help if it doesn’t work.”
“So, I cuff ya to the bed and then what, yer just gonna lay there and let me do what I want to ya, Frase?”
“That is the general idea Ray, I think you will relax more if you know I can’t touch you or hurt you.”
“And yer willing to do that for me, Frase?”
“I’d do anything for you, Ray.”
I watched as Ray lowered his head and wouldn’t even look at me, I couldn’t see what I’d done wrong and I’m sure that my plan was not that bad either. In the end I moved over towards the chair and knelt in front of Ray, not that it changed his posture and his eyes remained on the floor and he wouldn’t look at me.
“Ray, tell me what I’ve said to make you like this. I can’t fix it if we don’t talk about it, and I’m really trying here to fix all of this so we can move forward.”
“Ya said yer would do anything for me Frase, yet I can’t even say the same back can I.”
“Ray, you have a heart of gold and I love you for who you are…”
“Yeah, but I can’t do anything for ya, I won’t even let ya make love to me so how can I really love ya…”
“Oh Ray, I want you for far more than that. Some things are beyond our control and you have a reason for your behavior. I love you for your mind too, and the emotion and energy that surrounds you, Ray.”
“Yeah right, I’m just a dead beat Chicago cop with experimental hair, Frase.”
“You are a first grade detective and good at what you do, Ray. Never let me hear you talk that way again as it hurts me too. And as for the hair, well I love your hair Ray and it’s so you.”
I put my hand under his chin and lifted his head up, I then kissed him deeply and hoped that he would feel the love that I had for him and no one else. Ray would see things my way soon enough, as I could be very determined and didn’t give up when it was something I truly wanted. Stanley Raymond Kowalski was like no other person I’d ever known in my life, he was also the only person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
I just realized I was a total freak and could never do anything normal, I always had to try too hard and think too hard until I inevitably fucked up. Oh god, and then I also realized that I’d spent months calling Fraser the freak. Now I knew that I was finally losing it bigtime, wed got a cab back to my apartment and did exactly what Fraser said we’d do. Food and sleep were what he’d ordered and that was what we did, Frase was even willing to sleep on the couch if it was what I wanted and thought I needed. Well, I loved Fraser and trusted the man with my life, so sharing a bed with him would be okay and I accepted it.
We’d both gone with very little sleep and then morning came around fast, I woke to find myself in the bed alone and the sheets were even cold, then I remembered Dief. Fraser was a morning person and would be out walking the wolf, yet a trip to the kitchen made me realize he hadn’t forgotten me. I could get used to this way of life, having someone look out for me and even have coffee ready for when I finally crawl out of bed. I was on my second cup when the door opened and Dief rushed towards me, I gave him a quick rub and looked up to see Fraser stood there watching me.
“Thanks for the coffee, Frase.”
“You are most welcome, Ray.”
“Did ya sleep at all, Frase?”
“Very well thank you, I’m just in need of a shower and then we may proceed with our plan for the day.”
“Yer really serious, Frase?”
“Yes Ray, why does that bother you?”
“No, I’m cool. Why should I be bothered, especially when I get to play with my own Mountie.”
Fraser kissed me on the top of my head and then headed towards the bathroom, I just downed the rest of my coffee and sat there thinking about all this and whether it would change anything. Frase was right though, I did get off on touching him all the time and this would be no different. It was foreplay and nothing more, Fraser wouldn’t be able to penetrate me and cause anymore nightmares so I didn’t have to worry. Holy shit, then I nearly came in my boxers as Frase walked into the room naked and wet, oh and let’s not forget as hot as fuck too.
“I’m ready when you are, Ray.”
“Handcuffs, bed, are you even with me here, Ray?”
Frase went into the bedroom without so much as another word, all I could do was down my coffee and grab my cuffs before following him. I entered the bedroom to find Fraser already on the bed with his hands above his head, oh fuck he was such a turn on laid out like some sacrifice. My hands even shook as I cuffed one hand and thread the chain through the headboard, soon I had Fraser laid there with both hands cuffed and out of use. Then the god damn Mountie had to go and speak to me, a few simple words and my cock was rock hard.
“I’m all yours, Ray.”
“Are you alright, Ray?”
“What the hell do ya think, Frase. You’re gorgeous and I wanna make you feel good.”
“Well, I’m here Ray, for you to do as you see fit with.”
I knelt up on the bed and ran my hand along Frasers gorgeous lips before kissing him, soon my tongue was inside and I put everything I had into this kiss and Frase gave as much back. Then I started to wonder how far Fraser was willing to let me go, I didn’t want to hurt him but I had needs and fantasies too. I’d always though Fraser had a gorgeous mouth and it featured a lot in all of my fantasies, me pushing my cock deep inside his mouth as I fucked it hard. Great now my own breathing changed and Fraser soon noticed, he was giving me one of those famous Fraser frowns.
“Ray, is everything okay.”
“Oh, you’ve no idea Frase, so many things I could do with that mouth of yours to fulfil my fantasies.”
“Shit, I just said that out loud didn’t I!”
“Yes, you did Ray, please tell me about the fantasies you have involving my mouth.”
“Oh god make me spell it out why not…I wanna fuck it Frase, shove my cock deep inside your mouth and use it in every way possible.”
“So, what’s stopping you, Ray.”
“Are ya for real Frase?”
“Ray I am yours and want you to do whatever you want; I trust you and know that you wouldn’t hurt me.”
I sat there watching Fraser and couldn’t believe how much love and trust I saw before me; I was however a hot bloodied male and Fraser had literally given me the green light to do as I please. So, I knelt over his chest and freed my erection from my boxers, then soon I leant forward and held on to the headboard with one hand. My other hand positioned my erection above Fraser’s mouth and watched as it opened for me, that was enough to spur me on and shove my cock deep inside his mouth. I never held back and I’d soon worked up a rhythm until I was so close to the edge, deep down though I knew I didn’t want to come just yet, I had plans for Frase and maybe a way to get over this whole mess too. All I had to do was remain calm and not freak out and that was hard, I’d pulled my cock out of his mouth and sat back to find his erection pressed against my ass. I just had to keep reminding myself that everything was okay, Frase couldn’t do anything to hurt me and he wasn’t Joe Dick.
Ray was this hot ball of energy and I couldn’t get enough of him, and to see him so open and turned on was making it hard to focus. I already knew that he was a passionate man and normally the one that never held back, yet he’d managed to keep so many fantasies and desires locked away instead of acting upon them. Well, I suppose I was no better and had also remained quiet, not that I could say much with all that had happened to Ray. I was well aware that even the smallest things could trigger his nightmares, so this was my way of letting him have free reign without getting hurt.
At first, well to say I was nervous would be an understatement. I guess we take clothes for granted and don’t realize how much we hide behind them, yet one kiss from Ray and I’d forgotten all about my lack of clothes and the fact I’m restrained. Then to have his erection deep within my mouth, tasting the very essence that was uniquely Ray, to have his trust in a way I hadn’t expected meant far more to me than anything else. Then Ray had sat back and I saw his features change, I guess I was too close to him and he knew it, yet he had to control this as only he could move away and stop it if he so chose.
At first, I thought Ray might panic and this would be where it all would end, yet once again he proved to me just how strong he really was and it made my heart melt. Ray thought about his predicament, oh I couldn’t miss the insecurity as his mind thought through his options. And to my surprise he chose to move away from my erection and not flee the room, and I’d never seen him smile the way he did for a long time. Ray had realized he had options here and no one was forcing him into anything, I think deep down he was also pleased with himself.
That was my Ray, so beautiful and easy pleased like a small child. He’d moved away but only to lay beside me, then I lost all coherent thought as his mouth clammed around my nipple. Ray would nip it and then lick it with his tongue, pain and pleasure all mixed into one until I was the one moaning with need. Then his mouth was gone and I felt the loss immediately, well until he decided to be fair and his mouth attached itself to my other nipple instead. I was so close and knew I wouldn’t last long at this rate, then suddenly Ray stopped and sat back up on the bed.
“I’m good Frase, hell I’m better than good.”
“Are you sure, as you look a little unsure, Ray. If I were to be honest…”
“Frase shut up.”
“As you wish, Ray.”
“Sorry Frase, I just don’t want ya to come yet and I thought you were gonna that’s all.”
“Oh, I see.”
“Yer not pissed are ya, Frase?”
“No Ray, I’m not pissed as you put it. I’m doing this for us both so we can move forward, and this has to be what you want and what makes you comfortable.”
“I just kinda feel guilty Frase for ya know, not letting ya come and all.”
“Ray, I’m sure you’re not doing it to be cruel, I also trust that you will let me come when you are ready to do so.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t leave ya hangin Frase, I just wanna try somethin that’s all.”
“Ray, I’m in your capable hands and I’m fine with that, I trust you with my life so please don’t let any of this worry you.”
“Yeah, okay and thanks Frase.”
“My pleasure, Ray.”
I leaned back over Frase and started kissing him once more, this felt good and was greatness and all. Frase was so willing and there was no pressure on me to do anything. I’d kissed a couple of men years ago and thought nothing of it, I met Stella and the rest became history. So, I guess there was never anyone else as I wouldn’t be unfaithful to someone I loved, I knew men were a possibility though but it was too soon after Stella. Shit and then I went to Canada to learn all about getting fucked up the ass, to have someone force themselves on me when I was still a virgin in that area.
I was doing that thinking thing again and it wasn’t good, I kept telling myself it would be far different with a lover and especially one like Fraser, and that was what kept me going in the end. I wanted to do it with Fraser, Joe hadn’t put me off the whole idea, it was just the pain that scared the hell outta me. Fraser had that look again and I realized why, he was watching me like I was some tender little girl and it freaked me out, Fraser saw everything and he knew it was a fight or flight situation. I either ran away from all of this, or I remained and fought for the man who had become my whole life, my lover and my whole world.
“I’m okay Frase.”
I had to prove myself to him and that I was worthy of the love he gave me, that meant manning up and doing this no matter what. So, I kissed Frase once more and played with his nipples until they were hard, then I ran my hand along his cock and squeezed his balls. Ha, now Frase was making some wonderful noises and my cock grew even harder. To think everyone got to see this upright Mountie, then there was Ben who only I got to see and knew I was so fuckin lucky. Not that I knew what the hell he saw in me and I never would, and I would never be more thankful than I were right now. I had to do this now before I lost my nerve, I jumped up off the bed and went towards the bedroom door to leave.
“Frase, don’t okay. Just trust me and it’ll be okay I promise.”
“I do trust you, Ray.”
I knew he trusted me; it was still nice to hear him say it out loud though. I took one last look at his restrained hands and naked body, then I knew I had to move before I came right where I stood.
I had no idea what had gotten into Ray, so I just focused on what he’d said and that was to trust him. I lay there and wondered how long he would be and if he were even alright, and now I couldn’t even go and see because of my brilliant idea to be cuffed to the bed. I called out a couple of times and heard nothing in return, yet my heart skipped a beat when Ray finally walked into the bedroom.
“Ya miss me, Frase?”
“Very much so, yes, Ray.”
“Well, I told ya that I wouldn’t leave ya hangin.”
“So you did, are you okay, Ray?”
“Yeah, I’m good.”
I watched Ray’s face as he walked back over towards the bed and towards me, that was when I noticed that he looked rather apprehensive despite the smile. Well, I’d learnt in the past not to interfere, and after all this was what Ray chose so I would lay here and accept whatever he chose to do. Then Ray removed his boxers and I knew this was something big to Ray, he was giving himself to me and trusted that I wouldn’t hurt him.
I had to admit I was a little surprised though, especially as Ray sat over my groin and his ass pressed against my erection. Then Ray just sat there and looked so far away and I didn’t like that look, I knew he was thinking about Joe and what he’d done to him. Part of me wanted to tell him to stop, he didn’t have to do this or prove anything to me at all. Then just as I opened my mouth Ray smiled, it was a huge smile and his whole face radiated sheer beauty.
There were no words though and I think Ray preferred it that way, then I felt his hand take my erection and position it against his own ass and I froze. I guess the reality of what Ray was about to do fully hit me, he wanted to feel me inside him while he was in control. Then he pushed himself down on my erection and everything fell in place, Ray had left the room to go and prepare himself for me and to save himself any unnecessary pain. My erection was soon fully inside his warm tight body as I became one with him, my lover and soul mate.
Ray soon had a rhythm going and seemed to know what he wanted, each time he would moan as my cock pressed up against that secret spot hidden inside him. So, I just lay here and went along with the ride, praying that I could control myself until Ray was ready for me to come. Oh god and then the man stopped once more and I couldn’t help moaning, Ray just leaned forward and kissed me before reaching for something.
“Ray, you don’t know how hard that is for me right now... Ray… what are you doing?”
“What’s it look like, Frase.”
“Oh god, Ray that might not be a good idea right now.”
“Why would that be, Frase?”
“Removing the cuffs would allow me to take the upper hand so to speak.”
“Maybe that’s what I want.”
“Ray, I haven’t got that kind of restraint right now.”
“Frase, just fuck me and shut up will ya.”
Ray moved and I felt my cock slip from inside his warm body, then Ray lay on his hands and knees just begging for me to take him and I was only human after all. I knew this was Ray placing all his trust in me as I’d wanted, yet he’d picked the worst time possible as I was so far gone now.
“Frase, are ya with me here.”
“You Raymond Kowalski are placing far too much trust in me right now.”
“Frase, do I have to go find someone else to fuck me… oh fuck yeah.”
Ray had gone too far with his last remark and that spurred me into action, all it took was one swift push and I was buried deep inside him once more, and Ray wanted it all. Ray was no longer freaking out with this and even pushed back, well I always knew that he was one hell of a smart man and would figure it out. Now though, I would have to show some restraint until I knew Ray had come and was fully sated.
I reached beneath him and placed a firm grip on his erection, already I felt the pre cum and I knew it wouldn’t take much. A few strokes and Ray was coming all over my hand and I knew I’d soon be following him, as Ray came his whole body shuddered and he cried out in pleasure. That was all it took to push me over the edge and soon I came deep inside my lover, just to hear Ray and know he was happy made my heart swell. I’d taken a chance with this idea and Ray had agreed to it, then somewhere along the way he had realized it was what he truly wanted.
We lay here with our arms around each other and I felt far happier than I had in a long time, then Ray looked up at me and I realized he was crying. Well, I had a tendency to overthink most things as it was, I didn’t know if the tears were of happiness or sadness. What if I’d pushed him and it wasn’t what he wanted after all? I opened my mouth and tried to tell him how much I loved him, how it would all be alright. God this wasn’t working and I couldn’t even think straight, then the moment was lost as Ray moved away and went into the bathroom.
Deep down I knew that I should follow him and check he was okay; something was wrong and I just lay here and had no idea how to deal with it. Great, I had to wonder what sort of lover that made me and why Ray wanted to be with me in the first place.
I had so many emotions running around inside my head and I couldn’t breathe, okay so maybe it was wrong to leave Fraser there looking so hurt and lost. Especially as he was the type that would blame himself and suffer in silence, and I knew deep down I had to share my feelings with him if I truly loved him. First, I decided to wash my face and get a grip on things, I guess Fraser staying in the bedroom was also making me doubt his feelings for me too. Well, I was an adult and could go out there and act like one, hmm that was easier said than done when I knew it would involve talking and feelings. Something that was neither mine or Frasers best place to go, fuck it, I opened the door and went to sit back on the bed beside my lover.
“Don’t worry Frase, it’s not you that’s fucked up.”
“Please talk to me, Ray, tell me if I hurt you in any way.”
“Frase, I’m good okay, hell I’m far better than good.”
“Understood, so why the tears Ray?”
“Frase, I was just a bit overwhelmed by it all and I thought it would never happen. God, then I had to think about Joe and when I was in Canada, I wanted to tell him that he never fucked me over, I’m stronger than that and stronger than the man he thought I were. Part of me wanted to see him, hit him and make him realize what had happened”
“What does hmm mean, Frase?”
“I’m not sure it’s healthy you thinking like that Ray, even alive it would not be wise to tell someone that when they never meant it. I know that he hurt you Ray and I’m so sorry you had to suffer that, but holding a grudge will do you no good. You’re a good man Ray, my lover and a man that can rise above it all and move on.”
“Frase, I didn’t mean like that, shit this is going to sound so pathetic…”
“Talk to me Ray, tell me what you’re thinking right now.”
“It’s not a grudge Frase, shit I know that he thought I was someone else and that’s why I can’t hate him now. I wanted him to know that it was wrong but I survived it, I found you and you gave me reason to leave it all behind.”
“Oh Ray, my beautiful Ray. You still feel guilty that he died don’t you, he had many problems Ray and he would have done it sooner or later. His life was messed up what with the drugs and alcohol, then he was losing the only person that meant something to him.”
“Yeah, well it still sucks, Frase.”
“They buried him in Mount Pleasant Cemetery in Edmonton, maybe one day we could take a trip to Canada and we can go there?”
“Hmm maybe, I swore I’d never step foot in Canada again Frase and I’ don’t know…”
“I would like to take you there Ray, visit a few places so you can see why I love Canada.”
“Ya mean like a holiday together?”
“Yes Ray, it would be my pleasure to have you accompany me there.”
“Okay, it’s a date Frase if that’s what ya want.”
“Very much so, Ray.”
“Set it up then and we can book some time off work, there’s something else I want ya to do first Frase.”
“What would that be, Ray.”
“Make love to me.”
“It would be my pleasure, Ray.”
We made love and I knew my life was complete now I had Fraser, work was good and we even arranged a holiday to Canada too. Fraser showed me some amazing sights and some of the places he grew up, I bitched about the weather and Frase knew it was who I am, someone with a smart mouth that was always getting me punished. He had created a monster and I wanted Frase all the time, all I had to do was smile or wink at him and he was mine.
Soon our trip was nearly over and there was just one last thing to do, we took a plane to Edmonton and I finally lay all my demons to rest. It was time to leave it all behind now as I had a life and I had Fraser. Also, I’d come to realize that maybe Canada ain’t so bad after all.
Maybe Canada Ain’t So Bad After All.