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The Prude Conquest

Chapter Text

Chapter 1



The sun was shining and the birds were tweeting in their little perches. What could be wrong with this picture? Everything, according to one man sitting on the warm park bench.

The sun was fine, sure, but the birds were doing this weird mating ritual that just irked him. Then to his right was a pair of dogs getting it on while their owners were nowhere to be found. How irresponsible.

Yep, life was all about sex apparently and he fucking hated it. You would think with his fit tan body and sleek muscles that he was currently showing, he would attract everyone’s attention. Well yes, but that didn’t mean he would jump right into bed with anyone.

To be blunt, Eren Jaeger was a downright prude, as his friends call him but he likes to thinks of himself as holy.

He leaned back against the bench before picking up his bottle water to take a sip before immediately screwing up his mouth. Ew, warm water was the worst. His eyes went back to the panting mating dogs before an idea popped in his head.

He jerked his hand that was holding the bottle at the dogs, splashing them.

Of course, the ignored him.

Sneering, he simply stood up and headed towards the nearest trashcan to throw away the empty bottle while contemplating the meaning of life (not really).

He had better things to do than be bothered by some stupid mutts in heat.

Like his job for instance. His job that he so adored even if he had to deal with stupid people on a daily basis. Einstein’s was the name and it was the newly built two story bookstore within walking distance of Eren’s house which was quite convenient.

It was a dream job for him and while he did get paid minimal wage, he had long hours plus overtime so it was pretty good. Along with the fact that he lived alone so he didn’t have to worry about anyone adding extra cost to his bills for electricity or water. Well besides his pets.

Although, he has never met the owner of the bookstore, he has met the grandson. Armin Arlert and while they may not be friends, they are acquaintances

 Knowing Armin was the reason why he got the job as payback from when he gave him a ride in the rain (he isn’t a complete dick). So the job was in the bag when he applied for a position.

Anyhow, if anyone tells you that knowing people will not get you anywhere in the work industry, they are lying.

A systematic beeping stopped him from going to the backroom to get an ordered book. “I’ll be right with you.” He flashed a smile at the new customer to charm them into waiting because no one wanted to wait for a dick unless you were getting it.

He entered the room to grab the book entitled My Life: Sadness.


Strange title, but okay. He then walked back to the counter to give the rather peppy looking girl her book. Flashing his lady killer smile which he brushed to perfection, he waved at the girl. “Have a good day!” Damn, he was so fake. How on earth did he even think he would win anyone with fake manners? No one knows.

All the girl did was smile back timidly and waved before leaving in a hurry.

Huh, maybe he was borderline creepy?

Eren shrugged before calling the next customer, “Next!” And so his day went on with no interruptions as right on schedule.


The bookstore closed at exactly nine pm and the only reason why was to serve its purpose of having a leg up on its competition- Starbucks.

As Eren closed up, locking the door with a solid click, he glanced across the narrow street at the shop where a kind freckled man was sweeping the black rug outside. “Hey!” He called out and waited for the man, Marco who had greeted him two years ago, to look up.

A pained expression could be seen even from Eren’s distance (20/20 vision plus bright street lights) before Marco forced a smile and greeted him. “Hello, Eren.”

The greeting was so fake that it annoyed Eren and so he flipped off the freckled man who was just trying to do his job. “Fuck you,” He turned on his heels, whistling some tune that he thought made him look cool, but he still looked like an asshole.

It wasn’t that he hated Marco, he just hated the fact that he was a sexual heathen along with his boyfriend, Jean (horse face fuck).
How did Eren know? Easy. He caught them getting disgustingly handsy in the back of the bookstore during his shift.

No fucking way were they going to taint his precious books with nasty bodily fluids. Having sex was sanctioned and a gift for married couples. Were they married? Hell no. It didn’t even bother him that they were both males, they were allowed to wed in this state and hell, even in the town. They could wait until one of them popped the question.

Plus having to bend over and be submissive was not something he could do since he was too prideful to lay on his back and he so he somewhat looks down on Marco for being weak.

When he marries, man or wife, he will be the one dominating.

Until that time comes and he actually finds someone who is good enough for him, he will stay a twenty-five year old virgin.



It was nine thirty pm when he finally got to his house and Eren was greeted by an overly excited dog barking at him.

He laughed and sat on his haunches to greet his favorite girl. “Heya, Sasha.” He hugged her fluffy neck while he threaded his hands through her shaggy black fur. “You’re my best girl! Yes, you are.”

Okay, while he may be a dick to most animals, he couldn’t to his best girl who has never tried to mate with any dog so she was pure to the very core.

After Sasha calmed down which her previous owner never could, he rubbed her floppy ears. “Where’s the Prince?”

She barked and jumped before taking off, her clipped nails clicking on the tile. He followed her down the hall and into his dimly lit bedroom where the Prince was currently snoozing on his pillow.

Eren smiled before he padded across the carpet floor to pick up his Prince who was a cat of seven years. The Prince was pure white with green eyes which were normal among cats, but Eren still loves him.

He first found the Prince scrounging around a trashcan before Eren decided he would take him home. So he picked up the kitten who hissed at him and took him home. Afterwards, the cat picked up snobbish traits (He doesn't know from where though his parents say from him) and so he was named Prince.

His petting was cut off by his doorbell ringing. Sighing, he snuggled the disgruntle cat before putting him down on his pillow and went to go see who was ringing the doorbell continuously.

As he walked down the hall to the front door, the person on the other side started pounding on the wood and yelling. “Eren, you fucker! I know you’re there!”

Sneering, he made his way around Sasha who was going nuts by the commotion. “Shh, girl.” He bent over to pet her briefly before he stood up and yanked the door open.

A tall slightly freckled woman stood glaring down at him. “You,” she growled.

Eren arched a brow, “Me”. He gestured her in before shushing a growl from Sasha when Ymir did enter.

He blew air out of his mouth as he mourned his lost peaceful night before he closed the door. Turning to the still glaring women, he stared at her waiting for her to start.

A trimmed fingernail was jammed in his direction (a growl from Sasha which they both ignored). “You fucking asshole, you made Krista cry today! Do you realize what that does to me?!”

Eren tried to enter a witty remark, but was cut off.

Ymir snarled, “No, because you’re so bitter that you never loved anyone that much!” She got closer into his space that he had to give a verbal command for Sasha not to attack the woman. ”What exactly is your problem?”

Eren frowned, “So far you breathing in my air is my problem. Two-“

The tall woman cut him off which made him growl slightly along with Sasha. Seriously, what is up with her and cutting him off.

“Wrong. Your problem is that you’re so sexually frustrated that you’re a dick to anyone who even hints at having sex.”

At the silence she was met with, a look of sick glee flashed across her face. She leaned back much to everyone’s relief. “You, Eren Jaeger, need to get laid and hopefully have someone replace that stick up your ass with their dick.”

At his glare, Ymir added in. “Or some pussy to sink into, it’s your call.”

Eren scoffed and walked away and headed to his nicely put together kitchen. “You’re crudely wrong.” Honestly, this whole fiasco was a headache in the making.

“As if I want to have sex. I’m much better than primal instincts and plus, I have more will power than to give into lust.” He flashed a prideful smirk at her before he opened his fridge. “I can wait until I marry whoever fits my standards.”

He reached in and grabbed a single bottle of orange juice before he shut the fridge a bit harder than necessary.

However, Ymir grabbed the bottle from him and slammed it on the counter. She then jabbed a finger into his forehead. “Wrong.”

She patted a stool, “Sit and hear my words of wisdom. You need to get some dick or pussy and stop being a prude.”

Again, with the crude words. Ymir is so… gross.

As Eren started shaking his head, the woman grabbed a stool to slide it across from him and sat down. “Look Eren, sex is meant to be enjoyed and everyone does it whether they’re married or not.”

Hearing this, he ran a hand through his tangled hair (needs to be cut again) before he stood up and calmly walked to the door to open it. “Out. I don’t need a sex lecture from you. I got one from my Mom at thirteen.”

The woman simply shook her head before grabbing the bottle of orange juice and then walked to the door. She stopped at it. “Whatever you say, Eren.” She stepped a foot out and stopped to look back at the man for a dramatic effect. “One thing, stop being a giant prude and go out and get laid. Male, female, or other. All is good, trust me.”

 She winked before smirking. “You obviously can’t wait until marriage because you’re about to explode with years’ worth of built up cum.”

 The bitch laughed obnoxiously before finally leaving with her toxic presence.

Eren slammed the door closed and gritted his teeth. Why can’t they understand that I want to wait until I marry? That way I be true to my spouse and they can know that I waited just for them and no one else.

His gaze went to his wall of pictures where his Mom and Dad’s wedding picture hung. He still remembered asking his Dad about this subject.

His Dad told him how happy and special Carla felt to know that their honeymoon was a time of firsts for them (Eren was grossed out by the way).

After asking his mom, he saw her blush and grab Grisha’s hand and added that it was the highlight of their life. Of course, right after he was born.

His thoughts were broken when Sasha whined and nudged her nose against his hand. “I know girl. They just don’t realize how special having sex is and so they have it with just anyone.”

He guess he was somewhat of a prude and maybe he was blowing off his sexual frustration by giving those who were happily having sex a hard time, but still.

His phone started ringing in his pocket and when he grabbed it to check the caller, he saw that it was his mom. When he saw her name flashing, he remembered his mom’s happy expression and so he set his will in stone once one.

He would stay pure and clean- anything to make his future spouse happy.  He would do it even if he exploded with years’ worth of sexual frustration.


A cheerful whistling rang through the slightly empty streets as Ymir walked with a purpose and a certain place in mind. The place where you went to make friends or have one night stands and she could already hear the bottles clinking and see the large neon sign which buzzed the words The Hole in horrible red text.

She entered the loud bar where people laughed drunkenly and leaned into each other’s personal space. But of course, this was that sort of bar so what could she expect after all.

Scanning the room, she saw nobody that really stood out and right before she was about to head out, she finally settled on a figure who stood out by being the only one who was alone.

She hummed in pleasure at finding a target before she immediately started walking towards them before they were taken.

Ymir settled on the seat besides the pretty raven haired woman (if she didn’t have Krista though) and cleared her throat to grab the stoic woman’s attention. “Hey look, I know this is random, but I got this friend who is a giant prude because he is a huge virgin who needs to get laid. So I was wondering-“

The strangely quiet woman raised a hand to halt Ymir’s uncharacteristic rambling before she spoke. “Sorry, I don’t like dicks.” She stood up and grabbed her drink before walking off leaving a stunned Ymir.

As she walked away, Ymir groaned before turning to the bartender and slapped a twenty on the table. “Ay, can I get a shot of a whisky?” A tap on her shoulder had her turning just as her drink was set in front of her.

The woman from before was back and she brought someone else with her.

Ymir blinked before a cherish grin appeared. “You’ll help me?” The question was directed at the woman, but the man beside her answered instead.

“So I heard you got a huge virgin prude on your hand?” The man speaking was monotone, but a slow smirk was spreading and a shine was already set in his dark eyes.

The woman spoke, “This is Levi Ackerman and he can take care of your friend.” She turned to look at the man beside to her prompting him to speak.

Levi spoke, “For a price of course. One-fifty upfront and another one-fifty after I’m done fucking your friend.” A sick glee rose in Levi at the thought of a new conquest that almost made him want to smile, but he held it in. He doesn't smile much anyways.

Ymir scowled but she glanced over Levi once. “I don’t know if my friend will want a man for his first time. He-“

Levi cut her off making her roll her eyes. Now she knew what Eren felt like when she kept cutting him off. Poor dude

“Trust me, I’ll have the forty year old virgin on his back faster than he can cry ‘prude’.” Levi held out his hand for the money. “Now, do we have a deal?”

Levi and the woman both watched Ymir as she mulled it over.

While Eren was a dick most of the time, he really did have noble reasons for not having sex. He wanted to save himself for his spouse so that wasn't too bad. However, that didn't mean he could shit on everyone, animals included (who the fuck does that), for having fun.

“I don’t have all night.” Levi waited patiently with his hand out for the money he knew he was going to get. He was the best after all.

Well he did make Krista cry this afternoon. She glared in the distance remembering that detail. After that thought, she reached into her pocket for her wallet before counting out a hundred and fifty dollars.

“Deal.” She placed the money in Levi’s hand to which he started counting again as if her counting wasn’t good enough the first time even though she counted right in front of him.

After counting the amount thoroughly, he stared at Ymir blankly which made her feel a bit uncomfortable because that was just weird to blankly stare at someone.

He then started the counting a second time as if someone would snatch a bill without him noticing.

What is up with this guy? He just finished counting the money and now he’s counting again.

After Levi finished counting the money a second time, he quickly pocketed it in his back pocket in a hurry. “Where does this boy work? I think it will be best if I start scoping out my new conquest tomorrow.” Of course, he would want to get started away. The sooner the better since seeing as he would get his money quicker.

Ymir almost regretted sending such a man after Eren since he’s never dealt with someone such as Levi who looks like he will stop at nothing to finish a job.

However, she shrugged in the end. “He works at a bookstore called Einstein and his name is Eren Jaeger- works from seven in the morning to nine at night almost every day. You’ll find him there since he has no life.”

Turning away from the two, she gulped down her alcohol and wished for tomorrow to hurry up so she could see Eren fall off his throne.

But still a nagging thought pushed itself to the front. He’ll thank me for this in the future, right?