"Lance, can you please milk your fucking cow!" Keith screamed, pulling his pants off. Lance stood in the middle of the room, straddling Kaltenecker. Upon seeing the position they were in, Keith barfed on the floor.
"Gosh, take your furry ass outside and stop fucking your cow!" (a/n im so sorry you have to read this why did you ask me to write abt a ship that i have no knowledge about) Affronted, Lance jumped off the cow and right into Keith's barf puddle. He squealed and jumped so forcefully his shoes flew off, smacking Keith right in the face. He wiped the blood off his face and pulled his t-shirt off, ready to throw at Lance. Suddenly, Kaltenecker mooed.
“Moo.” The door burst open and there came Ana, sauntering into the room. She was dressed in a long flowy gown that accentuated all of her best features. Keith’s, Lance’s, and Kaltenecker’s jaws dropped. They all drooled simultaneously. She pulled off the dress slowly, reveling in the attention she got from the two boys (and the cow). Fully naked, she walked past them and into the kitchen to make her favorite lasagna.
“Moo,” said Kaltenecker. (a/n - the cow is the most important character and i felt like they needed more dialogue) The boys followed Ana into the kitchen where she was stood over a pot of pasta sauce, humming along to Justin Bieber on the radio. Lance snuck up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist.
“Tickle my pickle,” he whispered sensually, licking her ear. Keith was right behind Lance, crawling underneath Ana’s legs. Startled, she dropped the pot of boiling tomato sauce on Keith’s face. He screamed in agony, but Lance was there to save the day. He had a secret talent that he kept secret for secret reasons. His tongue was actually 33 feet long. Using his super tongue, he was able to lick all of the boiling sauce off of Keith and back into the pot. Keith was upset. He quite liked being covered in sauce. He grabbed the pot and this time was sure to cover all three of them in the thick red sauce. They took turns licking it off of each other, going lower and lower until *CONTENT OMITTED DUE TO REASONS THAT WON’T BE EXPLAINED AND ALSO I DON’T WRITE SMUT SORRY* Covered in spit and other bodily fluids, the three of them collapsed onto the ground in a sweaty tangle of limbs.
“Moo,” said Kaltenecker again, after a while of no attention. Sadly, he turned away. “Moo.”
Keith was the first of the three of them to wake up, finding it difficult to extract himself from the pile of bodies on the floor. He pulled away, accidentally waking Lance and Ana in the process. Confused, they all sat in a circle trying to figure out what had occured the night before.
“Moo,” said Kaltenecker, his magical mooing properties bringing everyone's memories back.
“Oh. So that’s what happened last night. Thanks Kaltenecker.” Ana stood up and put her dress back on, climbing onto the cow and attempting to teleport back to her home planet. But before she could move Lance tackled her, pinning her and Kaltenecker to the floor.
“Moo.” Kaltenecker mooed, distraught. He didn’t like being pinned to the ground. Ana gracefully climbed off the cow and sat on the floor, petting Kaltenecker, who sat between them. Lance flailed on the ground. Keith came over and helped Lance off the ground, and then they both turned on Ana. Keith pulled a shotgun out of his underwear, and pointed it at Ana. As soon as she realized what was happening, she tried to escape but Keith was faster. He pulled the trigger and hit Ana right in the pussy. She moaned with a mix of pleasure and pain, blood dripping down her legs. Lance’s magical tongue came and licked off all the blood, then proceeded to wrap around Ana’s throat, cutting off her air supply. She died. Only mildly upset, Keith and Lance went into the bathroom to shower all the fluids off their bodies. Kaltenecker looked sadly at Ana’s dead body.
“Moo,” he said, tears falling down his face. But surprisingly, apparently his tears had secret healing properties that brought her back to life. (a/n - sorry i felt bad abt killing you in your bday fic) Ana resurrected and quickly disappeared after giving Kaltenecker a goodbye kiss.
“Moo,” said Kaltenecker.