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i'm so tired (of love songs)

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"a-ah, oikawa-san, wait-" his pleas fall on deaf ears, as oikawa keeps pounding into him like it's the last time. they're in the clubroom. it has gotten dark outside already, and it's getting late, but if kageyama is being totally honest, he doesn't really care. they're on the bench. oikawa has him folded in half, as he mercilessly drills into the younger. kageyama shrieks as he feels himself almost falling off the bench with every thrust. they're both panting hard, - oikawa's grip on kageyama's thighs is tight and painful, but all kageyama can do is moan as oikawa hits his prostate repeatedly, dead-on

"f-fuck, oikawa-san, please-" 

"shut up," oikawa grits through his teeth as his pace speeds up. 

his eyebrows are furrowed as he pounds his kouhai, his jaw clenched, as though he both loves and hates the feeling. to kageyama, he's gorgeous. 

god, he thinks. 

this isn't how it usually is. or, kind of not how it usually is. the two have always had a tense relationship. kageyama has always been on the receiving end of oikawa's hatred. no matter what he did. when he was young and gullible as a junior, when he began high school, when he lost to johsai, when he's getting fucked thoroughly. 

anger, it seems, is the feeling oikawa gets when kageyama is around, and thinking about it makes something in kageyama's chest constrict. but they've put the anger to good use.

with hot, angry sex.

therefore, kageyama doesn't want to complain. to be able to get fucked and pounded by his long-time crush weekly isn't the worst thing kageyama can imagine. but today is different. oikawa's thrust are slightly angrier, slightly more aggressive.

"fuck, fuck, fuck, i'm coming, i'm coming-" he cries, thighs trembling in oikawa's hold. 

oikawa's removes his hands from the back of kageyama's thighs, and kageyama makes a tiny noise of confusion till oikawa suddenly grips his waist and starts pulling him down onto his thrusts. 

kageyama throws his head back and screams.

"god, you're so fucking tight, tobio-chan. your hole was made for my cock, wasn't it? pathetic little hole," oikawa's thrust turn sloppy, and he wraps a hand around kageyama's weeping cock.

"cum for me," he whispers and kageyama does. hard.

he arches his back and his whole body tenses up. his eyes roll back, and he vaguely registers oikawa grunting, as he too, cums. 

it seems like the orgasm lasts forever. that is until oikawa pulls out of kageyama's body. his entire body twitches from the aftershocks of the orgasm, and he cringes at the sound of oikawa pulling out. 

kageyama's pleasure is quickly replaced by cold as he lifts his head, and spots oikawa's back. silently, oikawa gets dressed, not sparing kageyama a glance. he does however speak up.

"are you just gonna sit there?" he snarls. kageyama jumps and scrambles to grab his pants. 

he hears oikawa tsk at him, and something painfully contracts in his chest. he keeps his head down as he gets dressed and leaves without a word. and that's how it is. that's how they are. 

it's not ideal, kageyama thinks, but it's close enough

he goes home and cries a bit.

—————— ◦°•♛•°◦ ——————

this goes on for months. his teammates notice at first, their worried gazes glancing at the bruises and scratches on his torso and thighs. they noticed his evident limp, and try to offer help, but kageyama declines. he plays on even though it hurts. even though his legs and hips hurt. even though his throat hurts. even though his heart hurts. 

he plays on.

until a certain someone gets fed up.

"hey! idiot-yama!"

it gets quiet as hinata's voice booms through the gym. kageyama freezes as he picks up a volleyball from the ground. he straightens and shoots a glare at hinata. hinata squeaks.

"what?"

hinata's confidence deflates and he hides behind tsukkishima

kageyama scoffs and leaves.

 

there's a soft knock of the door to the clubroom, and kageyama knows that there's only one person gentle enough to knocks like that.

"hey..."

"hey." kageyama mumbles back, as he sits on the bench.

sugawara sits down beside him gently and grabs his hand. 

"are you alright?"

the question strikes kageyama immediately and his lower lip trembles. he nods sugawara squeezes his hand, and kageyama squeezes back.

"you're hurting."

it's a statement. and for some reason, that hurts even more. 

"whatever it is, isn't worth your pain and tears." he reaches up and brushes his fingers gently through kageyama's hair. the two setters have become closer over the past few months, and kageyama relaxes a bit.

"i like him, sugawara-san."

"maybe so, but is he really worth it?"

kageyama lifts his head up to look at sugawara, and the tears finally fall.

"he is."

sugawara stays silent as kageyama cries.

—————— ◦°•♛•°◦ ——————

it gets better. surprisingly enough. 

talking about it helps. it's almost routine now. he goes to morning practice, school, after-school practice, home, talk on the phone with either sugawara or hinata, eat, sleep.

he hasn't talked to oikawa in two weeks.

the heaviness weighing his heart down lifts up as the days go by. 

until it all comes back down.

until oikawa shows up, uninvited.

oikawa knows what days kageyama is alone at home. what days both his parents are gone.

he knows. they've fucked on those days in kageyamas home. kageyama curses internally.

he isn't ready for the sight of oikawa. he especially isn't ready for the sight of oikawa drenched in the rain, panting as he stands in kageyama's doorstep, as though he has been running.

kageyama blinks at him for a few solid seconds, before oikawa steps forward. oikawa isn't that much taller than kageyama, but as he gets closer, it feels like he's looming over him. kageyama out of reflex, steps back. he steps back until oikawa is suddenly inside the house.

he's still breathing heavily as he stares kageyama down. 

there it is. that anger. that hatred, that's always present when kageyama is around. 

it's quiet. they're quiet. the sound of the rain outside and on the windows booms through the house, and it's just the two of them.

"why are you here." it isn't perfectly executed, his voice breaks halfway through.

oikawa is still silent. the sudden confidence of speaking spurs kageyama on, and he opens his mouth again,"why are you here? we have no-"

"shut up, tobio." oikawa spits, his words filled with venom. and it does. it does shut him up. his confidence crumbles immediately and he shrinks. 

he tries one last time, "why are you here?"

this time it's a whisper, a plead. he tired, so so tired. he says so.

"i'm so tired, tooru." he whispers. he doesn't care that he's crying. he does care how oikawa's face changes. surprised. he's surprised.

kageyama can't help but snort. "what,? you though that treating me like shit would last? you thought it wouldn't hurt?"

oikawa is silent for a while. "it wasn't supposed to mean anything."

kageyama's heart shatters. "well it did, tooru." he raises his voice, and oikawa flinches but kageyama doesn't care. "it did, and you don't give a shit. you never gave a shit. never gave a shit about me. not as a friend, not as a foe, not as a person." he pauses, "i'm tired, tooru. of this, of you, of these stupid fucking feelings. i want to be cared for, i want to be happy"

"i can give you that!" oikawa's voice booms through the empty house, and it echoes through kageyama's heart. 

the silence hurts. it's deafening. oikawa's expression is an expression kageyama has never seen before. his eyes are red, and kageyama can't tell if those are tears or rain droplets.

"no, you can't." he croaks. 

he feels his breath being knocked out of him as oikawa suddenly strides towards him. the impact is forceful and strong, and they end up on the floor. kageyama beneath oikawa. oikawa above kageyama.

kageyama flinches and closes his eyes. they've been here before. not only has kageyama been on the receiving end of oikawa's anger, he has also been on the receiving end of his violence. almost twice. first time, he was stopped by iwaizumi. second time, iwaizumi wasn't quick enough to stop him. 

it was oikawa's last day of junior year. kageyama caught his sleeve when he was about to leave. oikawa turned to him, face falling. "o-oikawa-san... thank you... i'll really miss yo-" the fist swung went right to his cheekbone, the impact causing him to fall. "tooru!" he heard iwaizumi yell from somewhere, but all he was looking at was oikawa, looming above him, disgust present on his face. 

"i fucking hate you." then he turned around and left.

and now here they are, on the floor. kageyama's eyes are closed and he's ready. except it never comes. instead, a pair of lips press against his. he's gotten used to those pair of lips, but never like this. never this softly and gently. never with hands cupping his cheeks, gentle as though he's fragile. the same hands that...

kageyama's eyes fly open, and he shoves oikawa as hard as he can in the chest. the action is surprising for the both of them, but kageyama scrambles away on the floor. they look at each other.

a sob ripples through kageyama's chest. the sound is heartwrenching. "why do you keep doing this? why do you hate me so much?" he's crying. oikawa crawls closer, slowly, carefully. when he reaches kageyama, he doesn't push him away, doesn't have the energy to. 

like before, oikawa cradles his face. and just as gently, maybe even more. 

"my stupid tobio-chan," he says. thumbs thumbing the tears away. "i'm in love with you, tobio."

 

kageyama's breathing stops. he's staring at oikawa, his words ringing through his ears.

"i've been in love with you for years,"

kageyama starts shaking his head,"no you're not, no you're not. you-"

"i am. i'm in love with you. i'm crazy in love with you." kageyama releases another sob, and oikawa sighs. pulls kageyama into his lap, cradling his body, embracing him. kageyama's face in hidden in his shoulder.

"i'm sorry, tobio," he kisses the top of his head. "i don't deserve you. i want you to be happy, god, i want you to be happy." he sighs, "but mostly, i want to make you happy. be the reason you're happy. not hurting, not crying... i want to make love to you," he pauses, and kageyama's heart stops. he squeezes his eyes hard. "i want to make love to you. properly. and hold you. but these things... were hard for me to come to terms with. i thought that if i didn't acknowledge it, it'd pass. i thought that if i treated you like shit it'd pass. i thought that if we had sex and i was able to get a taste of you and then maybe realize it wasn't even that great, the feeling would pass." along the rant, oikawa started crying. kageyama's heart clenches for the nth time since oikawa showed up.

"but they didn't, did they?" he laughs, sad and broken. "no, they got stronger. and i began resenting you even more."

he kisses kageyama's head again. "i'm sorry, tobio."

kageyama lifts his head and looks at oikawa. he studies oikawa face for a second. his eyes are red and his hair is wet and sticking to his forehead. kageyama's entire front is soaked from oikawa, but he comes to the realization that he doesn't really care all that much. 

kageyama leans in. places his lips on oikawa's in a soft kiss before pulling away. oikawa's eyes are shut and kageyama asks him to open them. he does so.

"i love you, tooru."

—————— ◦°•♛•°◦ ——————

things don't get fixed immediately.

sugawara and hinata don't approve, but kageyama reassures that it's alright. he's okay.

their relationship changes. kageyama is suddenly met with someone he had only dreamt about. a side of oikawa that kageyama only saw when he was with his friends, his family. a side that is soft and loving. a side that is teasing and fond. suddenly kageyama was on the receiving end of oikawa's love, and it was different. but in a good way.

the first time they have sex after the confessions is almost two week after. although a part of kageyama wanted to have sex with oikawa earlier, he knew they had to figure things out first. this wasn't some erotic novel where the two love interest can fix everything with sex. they had to settle down and express their thoughts and feeling to make their intentions clear. many hours of conversation passed where both talked things through and kageyama came to the realization that they had probably spoken more within those two weeks than the two years before the confession.

an interesting thing kageyama has found out is how gentle oikawa is with everything he likes. with the way he pats the stray cats head when they wait for the bus, the way he holds kageyama's hand on the train, to the way he flips through his book when he's drinking a cup of coffee in the morning. 

when they have sex it's gentle.

god, he's so gentle. 

"god, you're so beautiful." kageyama blushes profusely, and oikawa chuckles above him. they're both naked, the sunlight of the sunset peeks through oikawa's window and paints the whole room gold. paints the man above him gold. the man he loves.

oikawa reaches down, his fingers covered with substance, and presses his middle finger to kageyama's rim. before, this part was always rushed. either done by kageyama beforehand in the bathroom, or messily by oikawa as they heavily made out. 

oikawa's finger enters him, and oikawa doesn't stop until it reaches his knuckle. kageyama sighs. oikawa pushes with finger out, and next time he enters, it's two fingers. his middle- and ring finger. kageyama hisses lightly, and oikawa trails kisses up his neck. kageyamas breath is caught in his throat as oikawa starts thrusting the fingers in and out of his hole. kageyama arches his back once oikawa finds his prostate. "there," he whispers into the shell of kageyama's ear, and starts massaging the spot.

kageyama is a mess. gasping and hiccuping around oikawa's fingers. he's so beautiful, oikawa thinks. once he starts opening up easily, oikawa pulls out and reaches into his nighttable. he reaches for the condoms - they've only done it with condoms - but fingers wrap around his wrist. he looks at kageyama questionably, but his expression says it all. oikawa smiles and pecks kageyama's lips before leaning back.

he lines himself up, and as he enters his boyfriend's body, kageyama reaches for his hand. it's so soft. it's so fucking soft, and kageyama feels tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. oikawa is looking down at him, soaking him up, as he thrusts into his body.

they make love. until kageyama is gasping and the knot at the bottom of  stomach tightens. until kageyama is coming and he's gasping oikawa's name, and god, he's so fucking beautfiul. oikawa's incredibly gentle until the very end. even as oikawa keeps going through kageyama's orgasm, and until he himself comes. oikawa kisses kageyama, and god,

kageyama is so in love