Please forgive me if this is a little off kilter like how I usually do. It's been so long since I've written a Ren and Stimpy fanfiction. Besides, negative comments and naysayers have never bothered me. Nor ever will. The only thing that matters is that I like my fanfictions! So come on, People! Let's get on with the fanfiction now......
Ren and Stimpy Presents
A Narwhal Puppy Production
It was that time of year again. Every year in the spring, Ren enters his cousin Sven in the Idiot Pageant. What's a idiot pageant you may ask. Its a pageant wear all the idiots cross the world comppete in the talents ( singing telling jokes and answering questions) Ren was training Sven hard for all the categories. The first was telling jokes. Ren tells Sven, "All right! Tell me a very funny joke!". What do you get when you cross a sword with a fish a swordfish? Sven looking puzzled says, "uhhhhh, sushi?".
"HA! HAH HAH! HAH! HAH!what an idiot." laughs a heckler in the back. Ren glares at the heckler and and says, "GEET OUTT!" Turning to Sven to tell him straight, "You better get that joke right or we won't ween!". Time has come for the singing part. Deciding that joke telling wasn't one of Svens strong suits. Ren tried to get him to sing. Sven tells his cousin, "I got a song". Ren tells him, "I weel decide on the song!" Ren chooses for Sven to sing....Deck the Halls. Sven tries to sing, "Deck the hells with holly molly...fa...la...la...uh...line!" Ren says, "Forgeet eet! We'll do the treeveea now!"
Getting handed a flash card that reads, 'who was the first president'. Sven gives his best answer, "Wilbert T. Filmore?"
"We have unteel tomorrow man. You need to get your facts straight! " Yelled Ren. Sven hangs his head shamefully, "You're right. I'm sorry."
The Next Day
It was the day of the pageant. Which lasts for a whole week. Ren has Sven take center stage. Stimpy was forced to come for moral support. A host who was George Liquor comes on stage and asks, "You're next. Our returning champion Sven is going to sing Deck the Halls." The judges were Mr Horse, Muddy Mudskipper and Powered Toast Man. "Again, First up Sven Hoek singing Deck the Halls." George Liquor yelled excitedly. Sven was about to sing Deck the Halls. Then he falls over on a hook in the floor and breaks his leg. Muddy Mudskipper, Mr. Horse, and Powdered Toast Man all panic. "No Sir I don't like this!" exclaimed Mr. Horse. "I usually say 'Leave Everything to Me', but I'm gettin' outta here!" Powdered Toast Man shouts. Muddy Mudskipper yells at Ren, "You better get a new contestant soon! The Pageant is over in a week! You lousy bum!"
Ren turned over to Stimpy. As an ambulance came to Sven. "Oh boy" thinks Stimpy who was watching in the stands. The ambulance takes away Sven. Ren walls up to Stimpy. "Why are you looking at me like that, Ren?" asked Stimpy concerned. Ren puts his hand on Stimpy's shoulder. "You shall replace Sven my friend! I theenk we can pull eet off!" "But I don't know the first thing about......" Stimpy said. Before he can say anything else, Ren drags Stimpy away and takes him home.
Deciding it was for the best, Ren was going to train Stimpy for the pageant. Ren had lots of trophies lined up on his mantel from all the Idiot Pageants that Sven had won over the years. "Okay Steempy we have a week to train". Ren tells his friend. "But why do I have to do this?" asked Stimpy. "Because," begins Ren, "I deed this for years and years and Sven has won everytime! Also, I geet a beeg cash prize too!"
"But I want to go to the. Gritty Kitty theme park Ren! " whines Stimpy. Ren demands, "Sing Deck the Halls!" Ren dresses up Stimpy like Sven. "Now sing you know the words."
"No! Gritty Kitty theme park!". Stimpy protested!
Ren demands, "Eef you do thees pageant for me and ween we weel go to your stupeed theme park!". Stimpy agreed to replace Sven, "Okay! You're right Ren! I'll fill in until Sven gets back on his feet". Ren thinks, "Thees'll be easy! My plan will work perfeectlee!" Ren then shouts, "Now seeng eediot." Ren has Stimpy walk with books on his head. And sing at the same time .
Stimpy sings, "Fleck The Walls With Stinky Diapers. Fa la la la la la la la la!"
Ren sits in contempt "I shood be cryeeng! Eet's Deck the Halls with boughs of Holly try again." Stimpy stammers, "All right Ren! I'm not gonna let you down. Deck the Halls With Boughs of Holly!" Ren yelled, "That's eet! Now keep up that momentueem!" Stimpy sings the next verse, "Tiss the season to be....." "Go Stimpy!" Ren jumps in happiness! Stimpy then remembers the rest of the lyrics in the next verse, "Tis the season to be jolly."
Ren says, "Thats good! Thats good!" "Yay Stimpy!" the dimwitted cat cheers for himself. Deciding to move onto the next round... Ren says, "Treevia who created thee light bulb?"
Stimpy tries his bestest to answer... poking his finger into his head. Ren said, "Eets Easy!" Tired of Stimpy's stalling Ren warns him, "Come on! We have until Friday when the beeg show starts!" Stimpy said, "Ya." Stimpy grows worried and reminds Ren, "Please don't forget about the Gritty Kitty theme park. Don't be greedy Ren." Ren shouts, I AM NOT GREEDY! I NEED TO DO THEES! EEF I GO BACK ON MY WORD, THOSE PAGEANT FOLKS WEEL THEENK I'M A QUEETER!" Stimpy begins to sweat. "Man, being Sven sure is humid!" Referring to the costume Ren had him wear to pass off as Sven.
* * *
When the week passes onto the third day of training. Ren puts Stimpy through intense training. Stimpy was still forced against his will to dress like Sven. Day one: Ren has Stimpy study trivia questions. "First question," Ren said reading flash cards, "Who was the first presedent of the United States?" Stimpy answers "A cherry tree!" Day Two: Ren has Stimpy play piano. Ren wants Stimpy to play the very same song he wanted him to sing, "Play Deck the Halls." Ren orders.
Ren then makes Stimpy do things that aren't related to the pageant. Like ballet, another tihng was he even makes him eat a carrot. Day three: Ren has Stimpy punch a bag. Coaching Stimpy to his limit, Ren shouts, "GO STEEMPY! YOU GOT THEES!" Day four: In a state park, Stimpy is chasing a chicken! Then the chicken gets away. "STEEMPY YER A BUM!" screamed Ren. Another chicken is used, then Stimpy catches it! Ren cheers, "HOORAY!" People in the park were staring at him thinking he was insane.
"WHAT'RE YOU LOOKEENG AT!" screams Ren at the people and animals in the park who were staring. One of them burped and farted as they ran off. Day five: only two days away. "I wonder how he'll do." asked a random mouse who was watching Ren train Stimpy on TV. Ren tries his final approach. Mountain climbing!
"Yay Stimpy. Who has to pretend he's Sven!" the random mouse is shown again watching TV. "Get outta here! You're not on this show!" Jerry the Belly Button Elf told the mouse. "Whoops! Sorry!" The random mouse runs away.
Survivor's Eye Of The Tiger Plays.
Two more and intense days of training went by. The decides to wait on the mountain climbing. Ren always was one to save the best for last. Ren has Stimpy sing Deck the Halls, play Mozart on the piano. Chase and catch chickens. Hit a punching bag, and even did Swan Lake for ballet! It was the final day of training before the Annual Idiot Pageant! Mountain climbing day has begun!
With a stopwatch in his hand, Ren pressed down the button!
"GO!" the Chihuahua hollered! Stimpy struggles to climb up the mountain.
"I can't do this, Ren! I'm all outta energy" . Complained Stimpy.
"So you want to ween or lose? Thees ees the last day of traineeng before the beeg show!". Ren reminds his fat feline friend.
"Don't give up Steempy you can do eet........Annnnnnddddd....NOW" ! Ren orders. 'This is it.' Stimpy thinks. Ren believes Stimpy had actually made some progress. Stimpy with enormous vigor. Scales the mountain. Ren claps his hands psychotically, "Yay Stimpy! YOU GET EET MAN!" Climbing to the top of the snowy mountains. Stimpy screams into the sky,
* * *
Joining him on the mountain top, Ren said, "Now you have to seeng Deck the Halls." Stimpy finally masters singing Deck The Halls. With a huge toothy grin, Ren slaps his hand on Stimpy's back. "You're ready!" Ren told him. Feeling mighty and proud, Stimpy jumps into the air, "HOORAY!" The next day was the big day. Sven has just got out of the hospital. His leg was all healed.
Sven gets a call on his cellphone. Apparently, someone is leaving him an anonymous tip. "Go to the pageant Sven. Stimpy is doing you a favor." a mysterious voice said on the other end. Sven stops and thinks, "HMMMMMM. TAXI!" A taxi stops for Sven. "Where to?" asked the driver. "Idiot Pageant please. Something is going down there and I need to see what it is." Sven said, but in a very moronic manner. The judges Muddy Mudskipper, Mr Horse and Powdered Toast Man were judging a performance of a fat rabbit girl playing basketball. before Stimpy was going to perform.
George Liquor was the still hosting. "Welcome to the last day of our Idiot Pageant."
Ren is backstage with Stimpy. Sven is looking through the curtains in contempt. Ren asks, "You ready Steempy?" Confidently beseeching, Stimpy says, "Ready as I'll ever be!! Showing him onto the stage Ren spits out, "Go gee theem buddy!" After sending away the rabbit girl who played basketball. They have her a score of 3 4 3. Stimpy takes center stage. Watching in the back, Ren evilly spouts, That's right 'SVEN' just like you trained for! They'll never know the deefereence!" Mr Horse announces, "First up. Trivia".
Ren watches backstage full of hope and vigor, "You got thees! Come on....." Wringing his hands as Ren's face turned into a sinister grin. Muddy Mudskipper asks, "What is the capital of Brazil?" Ren whispers, "You know this man..." Stimpy stuttered in a tiny terrorized voice as is he were a truama victim of a crime......."Brillia it's Brillia....."
Sweat pours everywhere from Stimpy's body. A clock was ticking. George Liquor the host looks in confusion. Stimpy quickly just ripped off his Sven costume.
"What are you doeeng!" Ren shouts, "Steempy no! We've come all thees way!"
Then Stimpy began to sing Happy Happy Joy Joy instead of Deck the Halls. Sven was watching being very upset. Then Stimpy dove into some Gritty Kitty from a diving board. The judges were astonished.
Sven confronts Ren. "Why did you replace me with him!" Ren's face turned from evil to sour in a matter of seconds. "Hey he's doing but a favor," Ren explains, "I used heem to replace you. Remember, you had a bad fall!" Sven takes Ren to see the judges. "But look at the judges." Sven said with sadness. Mr. Horse gets up, "No sir I don't like this." Muddy Mudskipper replies, "That no good dirty bum!" Powdered Toast Man decides to give Ren another chance.
* * *
"You know, Ren did try to cheat but......" Powdered Toast Man said. Ren was confused and astounded. "huh." the chihuahua uttered as his face fell. Powdered Toast Man said, "But, hey. We all do things we're not proud of..... ". Ren breathed in then screamed, "I don't need a preachy lecture!" Saliva from Ren's mouth flew everywhere. Ren grabs Stimpy by the neck. The audience pulls up a tarp to cover themselves from Ren's saliva.
Very angry that Stimpy messed up Ren's chance at a cash prize and Sven a trophy to show what a great cousin Ren was to Sven. "Aww." Powdered Toast Man sighed as he was cut off by Ren. "You! You ruineed everytheeng! I cood just keel you!". Shrieked Ren. Stimpy speaks for himself, "Yeah, well tried to make me into something I'm not! I ain't a dog Ren!"
The audience watched in horror as does George Liquor. Ren continues to extend his wrath, "I passed you off as Sven so I can show everybody how much smarter of a cousin I am than you! Sven I knew was stupeed enough to fall for it! JUST LIKE YOU STEEMPY!" The audience gasps as Ren unknowingly explained his intentions for the Idiot Pageant. Ren said, "By great I mean genius! I wanted Sven to make money for me weeth these pageants!" Audience gasps some more.
Sven decides to take action as Ren was about to wail on Stimpy.
Taking the stage, Sven does all the routines. Dancing, Trivia, and Singing. All the things Ren has trained him for over the years. Muddy Mudskipper, and Mr Horse turn around and saw Sven do everything and declare him the winner!
George Liquor raises Sven's hand. "We have a winner! Sven Hoek!". The audience erupted in cheers. Muddy Mudskipper, Powdered Toast Man, Mr. Horse carried Sven off the stage as the audience chanted, "SVEN! SVEN! SVEN! SVEN!" George Liquor walks up to the dog and cat duo. Ren asks, "So, do I geet my cash prize?" George Liquor responds, "Cash prize? No, you do not." Ren's face sunk into sadness. "Because you cheated and you tried to make your friend into something he isn't!" George explains. Sven got his trophy for Ren to put on his mantel.
"Do we get anything at all?" asked Stimpy innocently. "Yes, you both get tickets to the Gritty Kitty Theme Park!" "OH JOY!" Stimpy jumps in mid air. Ren begins to cry, "What I have done!" Stimpy assures him, "Don't worry Ren, at least we get to go to the Gritty Kitty Theme Park."
After the week of the Idiot Pageant was finished for another year. Stimpy is happily riding a roller coaster with Ren and Sven. When the ride was over.....
"I wanna go again!" Stimpy said. "ME TOO! ME TOO!" Sven says. Ren who was getting tired of the ride tells them, "We just been on for a thouseend times!"
"Just one more time, please!" Stimpy pleads. "Yes, one more!" Sven joins in. Ren rolling his eyes and gives them his approval. "Fine!"
Ren, Sven, and Stimpy all go on the Gritty Kitty Roller Coaster a thousand times more. Ren vomits each time and thinks to himself, "Thees ees the last time I ever try to push Steempy eento anytheeng!" *VOMITS!*
The Random Mouse from earlier says, "So that concludes our story for today. The lesson of this episode was never try to turn someone into something they're not. Who was the one who called Sven on his phone? This mouse!"
The Proceeding Has Been a Narwhal Puppy Production