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If Only I

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In this old cafe

I come here everyday and watch you

I watch you

sometimes I hear your voice

over all the noise you bleed through

and I hear you

 

The smell of coffee and aged walls and Rose Tyler filled his nose.

 

She was sitting at the window, watching the rain fall and people shuffle by, and he was watching her.

 

She was sixteen, had just left Jimmy Stone--and the Doctor did enjoy punching the bastard for every hurting Rose--and was contemplating what to do next with her life.

 

It took everything in the Doctor to not go up to her and tell her everything. That no matter what Jimmy Stone had said and did, she was fantastic. To tell her the words that he never got to say, to use Time that wasn’t his but he wanted so badly.

 

He went back the next day to see if she came back.

 

She didn’t, but he did every day. Just the chance to see her and he would

 

When she did come back, she was with someone he didn’t know. He listened to her voice, a voice he missed with both his hearts, a voice that calmed him to the coar.

 

A voice he needed more than air.

 

His ninth regeneration may have just been out of the Time War, but he hadn’t wanted to kill everyone. He was a depressed man who wanted to die and a young girl hadn’t let him and gave him something to live for.

 

Now he was an older man wearing a digues. A killer who looked like a professor. He may have looked more innocent, but he was far from it.

 

And Rose Tyler’s voice was what he needed. The one thing that made him remember who he was, what he strived to be.

 

slowly all the faces turn to yours

like no one else exists anymore

I'd talk to you if only I could speak

and I'd dream of you if I could fall asleep

 

Amy asked him what was wrong when he’d fallen over at the beach.

 

Sure he was klutzy in this body, but the falling was getting worse, and she didn’t know why and she wanted to help.

 

There’s nothing you can do Amelia Pond, the Doctor thought. It’s all in my head. Every face he looked at he saw her. Her hair, her eyes, her smile. Every time he was hugged it didn’t feel right because it wasn’t her, every hand he held didn’t fit like hers did. His body ached for the need to see her smile, to hear her laugh at something he’d said, to be the one to make her laugh and smile and scream.

 

Every minute he was awake he wanted to be asleep. Dreams meant the horrors of his past coming back to haunt him, but they also meant that his goddess would come and banish them with a wave of her hand. He would dream that she was with him, this him, all hims, forever, and for the brief time it lasted, it was fantastic.

 

people say love is hell

a shiny prison cell where time stops

but the door's unlocked

now you're a part of me

trust me I've tried to leave

I've tried to walk

but I'm all talk

 

There are three main categories that you can be sorted into about love, or that’s what the Doctor believed. There’s the kind who think love’s a weakness, those who think love is a strength, and the ones who just don’t care.

 

The Doctor believed love was a strength, at least he eventually did.

 

He was scared to love her at first. She was human, would die before he did, and he would have to live on without her, his hearts missing her forever. He couldn’t pinpoint the moment it all changed, the feelings had always been there, but he couldn’t find the moment he decided to stop fighting them. But whenever it was, it branded Rose Tyler in his hearts forever.

 

After she’d gotten trapped, he’d known he needed to do what he always did, put those feelings away in a little box, a place to look when he needed the old comfort. But he couldn’t do that to her, to his Rose. So he let the feeling stay there and fester. He poked at the feeling of loss, of heartache, of love, the feelings a perpetual companion in a world that wouldn’t let him stick with one too long.

 

He got her back, and gave her to a clone--hoped they would be happy. The second the walls on that universe closed he missed her. He hoped they had a brilliant life, but part of him was jealous. The one adventure he could never have.

 

He knew he had to do what he did, he couldn’t stand the fact that otherwise he would have watched her die, and he would have. He would have given Rose Tyler anything. He couldn’t stand the fact that if she’d stayed he would have stumbled on her grave, or worse yet, buried her himself.

 

After he regenerated, he thought he’d said goodbye, hoped more than anything. But deep down, he’d known that she’d latched onto his hearts and would never give them up.

 

slowly all the faces turn to yours

like no one else exists anymore

I'd talk to you if only I could speak

and I'd dream of you if I could fall asleep

 

The Ponds were gone, River had gone to the library, Rose was still in a different universe, and the Doctor was wallowing around Victorian London.

 

He sat in the TARDIS and out on the cloud, he walked the dark streets and found the words Bad Wolf scrawled on a box. He read books about science in the 58th century and the copy of Pride and Prejudice that had been on Rose’s bedside table.

 

He day dreamed about things that could have been, like Rose and Amelia talking, or actually taking Rose on a date. What would have happened if he hadn’t left Rose? Would he currently be sitting in the TARDIS, planning on never helping the fucking universe again,  or would he be with her and the Ponds, eating chips and running for their lives.

 

He imagined Amelia’s reaction to Rose, would she like her, or would they hate each other? No, they would get along like a house on fire, probably get the TARDIS to take them on a shopping trip and she wouldn’t leave until they’d spent more credits than needed on clothes.

 

And when imagining things that made him happy but his heart ache, he did the thing he loved and hated most.

 

He slept. And dreamed about her smile.

 

then I stand up and go talk to you

you start to smile like you want me to

and we stay together for the end of time

but this is only happening in my mind