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diamonds are a guy's best friend

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There are exactly five things bothering Ji Changmin right now. 

Items 1-3 on his list are the dead bodies of three men wrapped in some sort of transparent getting rid of bodies plastic, lying stomach side up on top of the very expensive Persian carpet his mother gifted them for their engagement. It’s a morbid scene to come home to, really, and it would be a lot to take in if he wasn’t, you know, a step away from getting married to his idiotic boyfriend.

If he didn’t know that is his boyfriend’s job, aka killing other smaller criminals who threaten the safety of the general Korean public because the police still doesn't consider them dangerous enough to go after them until one of said criminals goes ahead and kills someone, he’d think it was some sort of mafia warning for him to shut his mouth digital influencer mouth and stop being so openly political, or some sort of overly realistic hologram projection to scare him off, but his boyfriend is literally the mafia. He’s just a walking hot mess, and Changmin tries hard to understand how manages to act all tough and scary in front of his subordinates and rivals when he physically cannot open a jar of mayonnaise and whines for Changmin to open them for him. Yes, you read it right; the worst enemy of the oh, so feared head of the biggest organized crime group in Korea is a jar of mayonnaise, as stupid as it sounds.

Lee Jaehyun is one hell of a stupid man, who does stupid things, like bringing bodies home and often crossing the line between his personal and work lives by doing such stupid things. Having dead bodies in his boyfriend’s living room is just how it is sometimes. They’ve been together for so long, for too long, almost, to the point Changmin is kind of used to finding the weirdest things in his – now their – apartment, like dead bodies, giant rolls of industrial plastic for wrapping up said dead bodies like giant rolls of sushi, bags of money and the usual guns.

Changmin wonders if it’s too early for a divorce. Not that he’d ever consider it, though; Jaehyun is too much of a crybaby, and Changmin would feel bad for even considering breaking his heart.

The fourth thing bothering him is, well, the smell. He always knew dead bodies stank because, uh, they’re dead and he can’t pinpoint exactly what causes them to smell bad, he just knows they stink because they’re dead and that’s it, but he didn’t remember they stank this bad. It’s been an awful while since the last time Jaehyun decided to gift him with corpses of freshly murdered criminals on top of his mother’s carpet or the kitchen tiles, so long he almost forgot about the smell and the rush of adrenaline that pumps into his veins immediately when he sees three dead men on top of his most prized possession – sue him, that carpet is worth more than his life, and don’t dare to argue Jaehyun (who’s loaded with mafia money, by the way) could simply get him another Persian carpet. It just wouldn’t be the same; another carpet wouldn’t have the emotional value this one in particular have. A new carpet wouldn’t have the same ridiculous stains of bodily fluids after having sex on the floor to celebrate Jaehyun moving in that they tried so hard to scrub off.

There’s nothing that compares to the smell of dead bodies welcome him home the second he steps in. Nothing like surprising your loved one with dead bodies in their living room after a long day at work, something so incredibly thoughtful and romantic to help Changmin unwind after an entire day listening to his manager blabber about an impossible collaboration with a very expensive clothing brand. Jaehyun isn’t the romantic type, anyway, and usually Changmin doesn’t mind the lack of romantic gestures coming from him; heck, he bought him a very nice diamond ring for their engagement and that is more than he could possibly ever ask for, but in days like these, in which he’s tired and needy, he would at least not bring dead bodies home.

But that wouldn’t be the Jaehyun he loves so much. There are times Changmin wishes he could live a normal, 21st century couple relationship without having to worry that a single Instagram post is going to tip off the police on Jaehyun’s true identity and reveal he’s not just some Instagram celebrity’s boyfriend. Maybe in an alternate universe they could meet and fall in love like regular people, go from strangers to lovers and finally kiss after fifty thousand words worth of painful pining and misunderstandings.

But they’re not regular people. They don’t live in an alternate universe. In this universe, his boyfriend is a faceless, nameless criminal wanted by the police for several crimes like money laundering and arms trafficking. In this universe, Changmin has over 10 million people watching his every move on social media and his face is all over the news and in every single convenience store in the country. In this universe, he’s a public figure with a huge online following; he has articles written about him and his mysterious boyfriend being a huge publicity stunt, because he used to be known for being quite a heartbreaker earlier in his career and there is no way in hell tabloids will ever get off of him and stop nosing into his personal life. In this universe, they’re anything but a regular couple.

Whenever he asks himself those questions, he ponders about all the what-ifs of not being able to live a regular life because he’s a famous celebrity and the face of several brands and his boyfriend has an entire team of highly skilled criminals who wouldn't hesitate to kill whoever dared to cross their way, he asks himself, what fun would that be? A regular life would be no fun.

The last item on his list, the one that is bothering him the most right now, the one that has been a constant bother for the past 5 years, is his boyfriend, Lee Jaehyun, who is currently nervously laughing behind the kitchen counter. He’s hiding behind the newspaper, pretending to read, giggling at absolutely nothing ever since Changmin unlocked the door. He’s a terrible liar, really, he can't physically lie straight to Changmin's face, or even pretend not to be internally losing it.

Changmin wants to kill him. Punch him would be a better option, maybe, because he’d be sad if anything even remotely happened to him, and then get ice for his sore knuckles and Jaehyun’s poor body part that ends up being punched.

He takes a deep breath.

“What did I tell about leaving dead bodies on top of my mother’s carpet?”

Jaehyun pouts. Fucking pouts, like he’s some 4-year-old who got caught stealing a cookie from the cookie jar before dinner. Ah, the audacity this man has. Changmin wants to punch him in the face. “That you don’t like it.”

“Then why are there three dead bodies in my living room?”

“I had nowhere else to put them. I was gonna leave them in Younghoon’s place down the block like I usually do so Eric could get rid of them but, uh,” He blabbers, face flushing red all of a sudden. For every step forward Changmin gives, he walks one backwards from the kitchen to the living room. Result: he almost stumbles on top of one of the corpses, and he would’ve fallen flat ass down if Changmin didn’t catch him, “He wasn’t home, and I couldn’t risk being caught by CCTV. What I mean is, I’m really sorry for bringing dead bodies home, so I got you these,” He says, pulling out a bouquet of roses from behind his back. Many would see this as a romantic gesture, but it's nothing more than a classic attempt to appease to Changmin’s moodiness when he does stupid things like this. “I didn’t mean to bring corpses home, but I can’t leave them hanging in the corridor, you know? So they’re hanging out here until Eric gets out of class. Do you want some coffee? I got you Starbucks. I brought you napkins, too.”

“What is it that you’re not telling me?” Changmin asks suspiciously. Flowers, coffee, hiding a fucking newspaper... He's definitely hiding something.

“I walked in on Jacob and Younghoon having sex in a fucking sex swing. I’m traumatized. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at Younghoon the same way.”

“Okay, now that is some information I didn’t need to know,” Changmin laughs into the crook of Jaehyun’s neck, making his boyfriend put the newspaper down to wrap his arms around his waist, “Now tell me what you’re really hiding. I know it has nothing to do with Jacob and Younghoon having kinky sex. We’ve known that for ages. They’re our neighbors, honey. We can hear them.”

“You know how I usually leave dead bodies at their place for disposal because Eric is in class, right? And well, I couldn’t just guess they would be having BDSM sex in the middle of the afternoon, so I used the spare key under the flower pot to get in and bam, there it was. Jacob’s dick. I can’t stop thinking about it, is that bad? He has a nice dick, though. I might have also bought us an entire floor in Gangnam as a wedding gift for you but I haven’t proposed yet and I feel stupid for buying a wedding gift when we’re not even married. I also forgot to pick up Hyunjun from class. Please don’t kill me.”

“What was that middle part?”

“Jacob has a nice dick.”

“I’m sure he does, no wonder why Younghoon talks about his dick like it’s the 8th wonder of the world or something,” Changmin laughs. “What did you say about Gangnam? Or was it wedding that I heard? Getting ready to finally come and claim me as your man, are we?”

“Shut up and kiss me,” Jaehyun shushes him with a kiss, looking at the clock on top of the fridge, “We have 20 minutes before Eric gets here and I don’t want him to walk in on us.”

“We could just lock the door?”

“That wouldn’t work, he has a key to our place, remember?”

“I meant the bedroom door. Or we could inaugurate our new place in Gangnam, since we have an entire floor for ourselves and no next-door neighbors,” Changmin says tentatively against the shell of his ear, “Unless you want to wait to actually propose. Then I’d wait for Eric to get rid of the bodies. Please don’t propose to me with three dead bodies staring at us in our living room. I’m going to say no if you do.”

“I haven’t gotten the rings yet. I forgot to pick them up from the jeweler, just like how I forgot to pick up Hyunjun. Maybe we should send someone to pick him up? I’m feeling really bad.”

“If it makes your dad heart feel any better, I can get my manager to go pick him up,” Changmin assures him. “Don’t worry.”

“Pretty please?” Jaehyun asks, awfully sweet, with the same high-pitched baby voice he uses to speak to their “children”, who aren’t really theirs and who actually hate when he treats them like little kids, but well, don’t tell him that or he’ll cry.

“Can you get us a cab?” Changmin asks from the kitchen, pretending to listen to his manager lecture him on child care and support when Hyunjun is 19, “Don’t forget to button up your shirt, honey.”

“On it.”

“Oh, and Jaehyun?”

He looks at Changmin, halfway through buttoning his shirt back inside the bathroom, “Yeah, babe?”

“I love you, but I think it’s time you find somewhere else to leave your dead bodies.”

“Oh, love, I got you! I heard there’s this entire floor in this very expensive building in Gangnam that just got vacant. I’ll leave them there from now on, don’t worry.”