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Cases of Captain Grump

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Howard wasn’t happy about it but you were attending the Policeman’s Ball and he was even more handsome in his full dress uniform. You always did have a thing for a man in a uniform and Howard was sex on a stick in his. The two of you made the rounds, doing the obligatory meet and greets, but the more people you said hello to the grumpier he got. He had you as close to him as he could get and you could feel the muscles in his arms and shoulder tense every single time someone stopped you. Frankly, it was turning you on. You just got major grump face from him any time you told him that his grumpy demeanor was one of the things that made you fall in love with him and you loved it. His sweet side was reserved only for you and it didn’t come out often.

You’d finally made your way around to the side of the room the bar was on and Howard left you for a few minutes to get you both drinks.When he came back you were facing the dance floor away from him. He moved in behind you and snaked his arm around your waist to hand you a glass of wine. When his lips pressed into your ear you shivered as his breath tickled your skin.

“You have no idea what you do to me,” Howard whispered.

Reaching your other hand behind your ass you groped his hard length making him growl very low in his throat, “I think I have some idea Howie.”

“I’ve told you before, don’t call me that when we’re not at home,” he grumbled.

“Mmmmmmmm, okay…” You whispered and leaned back into his chest. “Howie.”

“You’re asking for trouble Beautiful,” he told you on another growl.

God you loved growly Howard. You brought the hand that had been groping him up to cup his cheek with a smile you were sure he could see, “You can punish me when we get home…Howie.”

He stiffened behind you and paused for a minute before taking your drink and setting it along with his on the table next to you. Then he grabbed you by the elbow and started to march you out of the ballroom causing a bit of a stir as you passed people.

“Where are we going?” You asked with a barely suppressed smirk.

“Home. Where I can spank your ass.”

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Howard sat at the table you had been assigned to at the reception while you danced with your friends. His arms were crossed over his chest and he knew he wore an irritated expression. Your ex-husband, Doug, happened to be friends with the groom and had been invited as well. The man had taken it as an invitation to latch onto Howard and berate you all night thinking that Howard somehow shared his opinion of you. By Howard’s count Doug was on his seventh beer and pretty far gone, someone needed to cut him off before he got hurt or made a complete ass of himself which he was fast approaching.

“She’s a whore…” Doug slurred. “Did you know that? Left me and started dating some guy just a few months after our divorce. Took all my money. Had to sell all my shit. I lost everything because of that bitch.” Turning to Howard he pointed a finger as he downed the rest of his beer and slammed it down on the table, “Dude, she’s gonna do the same thing to you. Trust me.”

“I don’t think I have anything to worry about.” Howard gritted his teeth and sat back in his seat, propping his ankle up over his knee. He’d promised you he would be civil, but he also knew how nervous and unsettled you were at seeing the man who had tormented you for so long. Why anyone remained friends with the man Howard had no idea.

“Pfffftttt, they’re all the same aren’t they?” Doug continued, and Howard just shook his head. “You work, work, work to give them what they want and at the end of the day what do you get out of it? Nothing that’s what. Dude, not even some decent pussy, cause let’s face it. Hers is trash.”

Howard’s eyes lifted and saw you headed back to your table with a wary look on your face. Leaning forward Howard made sure that the drunk man’s eyes made contact with his, “I get where you’re coming from dude, but honestly shut the hell up and don’t talk about her that way. If I hear that you did, just remember…I don’t have any qualms about bringing your ass into the precinct and charging you for some of the things she’s told me you’ve done.“

Doug blinked and sat up a little straighter at his words making Howard inwardly smile.

When you skirted around Doug to make your way to his side Howard stood up and grabbed your hand, “Hey there Beautiful, would you like to dance?”

You looked at him in confusion, “I thought you didn’t dance?”

“I do now,” Howard told you and led you to the dance floor spun you into his arms for the slow song that was just starting.

“Howard, you’re completely tensed up. What did he say to you?” Your eyes were concerned and Howard knew you were afraid Doug had ruined yet another thing for you.

He smiled at you, and he felt the smile widen when you gave him a startled look, “Nothing you need to worry about Beautiful. He just talked himself into a visit to my interrogation room if he runs his idiot mouth.”


Howard leaned down slightly and lifted a hand to grasp your chin to turn your face up to his. Pressing his lips to yours he felt you melt under him and submit to the probing of his tongue. Granted he wasn’t a fan of PDA, but he was feeling a need to let your ex know who the better man was. You’d say it was silly alpha male dominance, but as far as he was concerned it was protecting his woman. 

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You knew from the beginning that loving a cop would be difficult. The reality was loving a homicide Captain was even more difficult. Howard was never home, missed dinners, forgot anniversaries and birthdays, and didn’t respond when you called or texted him. His job was important, you knew that, but damnit you were too.

The detectives barely spared you a glance when you walked through the front door of the precinct and stormed through to Howard’s office. When you got there you found him sitting at his desk looking at something on his computer. He looked up at you in surprise as you slammed his office door.

“You never loved me, did you?”

To his credit Howard looked confused. “What? What makes you think that?”

“What day is it?!”

He frowned at his computer a few seconds while he looked for the date then looked up at you. “April 2nd. Why?”

You crossed your arms over your chest and tapped your foot.

Howard looked between the computer then you and back again before a lightbulb seemed to go on in his head. He opened a drawer and pulled a long black velvet box out of it. “Honey, I’ve got your anniversary present right here in my desk.”

“Seriously Howard Cheney!? You think this is about some piece of jewelry you probably asked one of the female detectives to pick out for you?” Putting your hands flat on his desk you bent to look in his worried blue eyes. “This isn’t about things Howard. It’s about time and respect. I don’t expect much from you. A phone call telling me you love me, a text saying you’ll be late, a kiss when you come in at one in the morning before you pass out.”

“You’re right.” He dropped the velvet box on his desk and stood up to come around to you. “I’ve been neglecting you and you’ve got every right to be mad at me.”

You humphed at him but didn’t resist when he pulled you into his arms. As mad as you were he still felt good.

“Let me make it up to you?”

“How do you plan to do that?”

“It’s only seven. Let me take you to dinner then we’ll see how mad you are at me afterwards?”

You leaned your head back to look up at him. “I plan to still be pretty mad at you.”

He grinned. “What if we go home after and I make you forget why you were mad in the first place?”

You gave him a skeptical look. “Do you plan to give me your full attention for the night?”

“I promise.”

For once, Howard kept his word and the next morning you were only angry at him and no longer wanted to filet him with a dull butter knife.   

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Cheney stares through the two-way glass between his office and the interview room where you sit. You are one of the most beautiful women he’s ever laid eyes on and he knows you’re trying to seduce him. It’s been three weeks since the break in at your boutique and he’s in charge of the investigation. All he wants to do though is turn it over to one of his detective’s, but he promised you he would handle it himself.

When he looks at you though, he finds it hard to resist putting hands on you. Your fuller figure is made for him as far as he’s concerned. He is a man who likes his women to have curves and a little extra cushion so he knows they are underneath him or wrapped around him. While he stands there and stares he can feel himself getting hard while he watches you turn in the chair so he can see between your legs when you cross them. He didn’t really get to see much just a quick glimpse of pink flesh but if he’s guessing right you’re not wearing any panties. And he continues to watch as you run your hand up your leg which seems to catch the hem of your skirt causing it to ride up showing the lace tops of your hose. Groaning he closes his eyes and drops his forehead into one hand.

Taking a deep breath he determines he’s going to have to talk to you and get you to understand nothing can happen while he’s investigating your case. He opens the connecting door between his office and the interview room and calls you inside. When you uncross your legs to stand he realizes you are not in fact wearing any panties and he has to think about his last trip to the morgue to keep his hard-on under control.

Turning to you he finds you’re smiling at him and holding something in your hand which you put in his as you press your full breasts into his chest with a kiss to his cheek before you leave his office which just confuses the shit out of Cheney. He didn’t even get to tell you whatever it was he was going to tell you. When he looks at what you left in his hand he realizes he’s holding your panties. Pink. Lace. And they’re a thong. He stuffs them in his pocket and walks to his office door.


The detective sits up at his desk and turns to face Cheney, “Yeah, Captain.”

“Take over the boutique robbery case?”

“You got it Captain.”

And that was that. He closes and locks his office door and tells his detectives he’ll see them in the morning. When he gets to your house and knocks on the front door you answer in a silk robe. When he holds your panties up to you with a raised eyebrow all you do is smile and open your robe enough for him to see you’re naked underneath of it. You don’t care that he turned over your case to one of his detectives. You also don’t care that he likes sex a little rough and is a little bit grumpy most of the time.

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Howard stood on your porch with his arms crossed over his broad chest looking down the steps at where you stood in your witch costume holding a cauldron of candy. If you didn’t know it was him you would have dropped the cauldron and ran yourself.

“That costume really is convincing. You might terrify a few too many children.”

He lifted the hockey mask to the top of his head to reveal his perpetual scowl. Surprisingly you found his generally surly demeanor endearing but he really did have a sweet side.

“Isn’t that the point? All I should need to do is just stand here with this stupid mask on my face holding this damn cardboard machete.”

Despite not being as tall as the Jason Voorhees character was supposed to be he was broad shouldered and once he put on the clothes for his costume he was eerily convincing. He had the stance that just screamed ‘Don’t fuck with me’ or I’ll use my machete on you. The two of you had a long discussion about the fact that he wanted a real machete but you finally convinced him to allow you to make him a cardboard replica. You had only been mildly concerned that as the Captain of a Homicide precinct he’d wanted a real one. While he wasn’t overly happy about the substitution a few strategically placed kisses soothed that argument.

When the first set of children walked up to your gate with their father you looked back to find Howard hovering on the porch. Feet braced wide apart, arms still crossed, and the machete was in his hand stone still next to his hockey mask covered face.

The father kept one eye on your boyfriend, who strangely had yet to move a muscle, while you let his two little princesses pick out pieces of candy. He looked at you in some concern and whispered, “That is Captain Cheney right?”

With a smile you nodded your head and whispered back, “He’s here to make sure I don’t get snatched by Freddie Krueger or Mike Myers.”

The poor man shooed his little girls down the sidewalk and as parents came up with their children they all asked you the same thing. None of the kids seemed the least bit fazed by Howard. Their poor parents on the other hand were a completely different story.

At eight you walked back up on the porch with your nearly empty cauldron and smiled at him when his head turned very slightly to look at you.

“Sorrie Howie, you don’t scare me.”

He lifted his mask again and he was smiling this time. “Not worried about scaring you, but I certainly kept the creeps in line.”

That made you laugh, “Baby, you don’t have to worry about keeping the creeps in line. They know better. Besides I only have eyes for my sexy cop husband.”

He just looked at you for a few seconds while considering something. “Maybe next year I should just wear my dress uniform.”

Brushing past him you walked into the house then turned a sultry look back at him. “What’s wrong with now? It is still Halloween after all.” You set the cauldron down by the front door and turned to walk down the hall toward your bedroom. When you did you pulled the witch dress over your head and tossed it back out to the foyer where Howard could see it. He followed you pretty quickly after locking up and turning off the lights.

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You had to tell him. It wasn’t fair to your irascible boyfriend not to know who and what you were. Howard had mentioned you being cold on more than one occasion. He’d also noted you didn’t eat or drink much and worried for your health. Granted the vampire lore would have everyone believing you were truly dead and could not survive in the light of day.

That really wasn’t true at all. You were very much alive, though the vampire curse made your body function differently. Everything a normal human did you did as well, you breathed, your heart beat, it was all just slower to counteract the other things that worked faster.

Howard was a practical man. Too practical at times and you weren’t sure how he would react. The old no reflection trick to show him what you were didn’t work because you did in fact have a reflection.  You’d have to show him something he couldn’t explain away.

You sat in his kitchen on Halloween evening, ironic as that was, watching as he chopped peppers for whatever it was he was making.

Sighing you finally decided to just tell him. “Howard I have something I need to talk to you about.”

Stopping his chopping he looked up at your face and frowned when he noted you looked upset. Setting his knife down he wiped his hands on the apron he wore and reached a hand out to take yours. “You know you can tell me anything.”

Despite his normally grumpy and easily irritable personality he really was very sweet and cared very much for you. “Well, I don’t really know how you’re going to feel about this.”

“Did you kill somebody?”

Shocked up looked up into his blue eyes which were slightly amused. “No!”

“Rob a bank?”


“Smuggle drugs into the country?”

“No!” You could see where he was going and just rolled your eyes when you realized he was just going to keep going down his list. Reaching out you grabbed the knife and before he could stop you sliced your hand open.

“Shit! What the hell is wrong with you!” He rushed over to a drawer where he kept extra dish towels and rushed back to where you were. “Why did you do that?”

You were completely calm and looked from him down to your palm which was already healing.

His blue eyes blinked a few times while he watched the cut close up and heal over right before his eyes. Looking back up at you he didn’t appear afraid, but he braced his hands on either side of the cabinet and gave you one of his cop looks. “What are you?”

You proceeded to explain you were a vampire and what that meant along with all of the misconceptions about what a vampire really was. He had a lot of questions, mostly related to if you killed humans for blood, you did not. You survived essentially on a diet of raw meat which you ate when he was not around explaining why he never saw you eating much. Howard was intrigued but more than anything he was angry you didn’t trust him enough to tell him from the beginning.

“Does this mean you have that telepathy thing and can help me solve crime?” He suddenly asked while he pulled your steak out to let it come to room temperature since it wouldn’t be cooked.

You rolled your eyes, that would be the first thing he thought of when it came to using your abilities to his advantage.

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Howard had been having a hard time solving a murder that involved a local fortune teller. You wanted to help him but weren’t sure how he’d react to what you knew needed to be done to get answers. He was aware of your psychic abilities but for the most part overlooked them since you didn’t push it on him and he really wasn’t a believer. Finally, one day he asked you for help and wanted you to meet him at the fortune tellers shop where it happened.

When you walked in you were carrying two cloth wrapped items and a small bag. He directed you to a table with symbols drawn on it and a crystal ball in the middle. You sat down and set up several candles, crystals and other items, before unwrapping a Ouija board and laid it on the table then unwrapped the planchette and set it next to the board.

Howard nearly blew a gasket. His face turned red as he looked between you and the Ouija board in front of you and he pointed at it. “Why the hell did you bring a Ouija board? You know how I feel about that shit.”

Sighing you laid your hands flat on the table and looked up at him. “Howie, I understand, but in this case it is the best way to communicate with the fortune tellers spirit. I need you to help me.”

He rubbed a hand over his forehead and pinched his eyes closed before turning around and sitting down across from you. Once you had everything ready and had opened the board you looked at Howard and he asked a series of questions. The board responded in kind and verified you were speaking to the fortune tellers spirit. Howard got the information he needed and you closed the board after which he stood up and started pacing again.

“That wasn’t so bad was it?” You looked up at him with a smile.

Howard shook his head as he moved toward you and bent his head to kiss your lips soundly. “Let’s just go back to the days where I pretend like this stuff doesn’t exist okay?”

You couldn’t help but grin at his grumpy attitude. “Yes Howie.”