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The Hockey Bachelorette

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I am Henrik Lundqvist, famously known as a legendary Swedish goaltender for the New York Rangers. I could have been model or have my own line. Maybe someday, I am a huge model for goalies of all types, like an actual fashion model too. I’m classy and suave and I’m sure Maria will be able to help me fall in love again, to help pick up the pieces of my love life.

Carey Price:
I may be a quiet, mysterious man, with his secrets. But I know I can use my goalie charm and ways all the way to Maria’s heart. It’s my goal to save her hockey heart.

P.K. Subban

I’m snazzy. I’m picturesque with a sweet side dish of being sassy. I believe with my style, (which I’m superior to all in) charm, and the best personality, I can win Maria’s hockey bound heart with my smooth and fast slap shot. Insert slap shot here

Tyler Seguin:

I know I’m a fan favorite, I should be, you see this? Real tattoos of a real good smelling man on real one hundred percent muscle. People say I’m a partier, but that’s all in the past, I’ve been heartbroken in the past, which does include hockey. This gives me an edge compared to all the other guys. With a darker, mysterious past, no one can resist me. Flaws and all. Me and Maria together will melt our hockey hearts filled with ice with an instant fire full of chemistry.

Marchand: I may be a little ball of hate on the ice, but my heart has lots of love for Maria. From what I’ve heard of her, I’ve already fallen for her, (kissy face)

Crosby: Why am I doing this, you ask? Well, uh I don’t know, Geno is the reason why I’m doing this, no not because of our failed bromance, but uh he wants to see me get out there you know? Can I redo this please? Why not? It’s embarrassing on my part. It’s precious? Whatever, all I hope is that certain guys won’t be on the show? They are? Fucking bullshit……….are they going to see this? Yes? Shit. I’m screwed.

Claude Giroux:

Maria, I would sing lullabies in Francias just for you. Je reve de vous.

Tyler Johnson: Wait, there’s too many Tylers in this! How am I supposed to compete with the Tyler Seguin for her attention? She’s not going to remember me at all! Might as well quit…. I can’t? Well that sucks, wait you’re putting this on the tape? No delete it, I don’t want Maria to see my insecurities as a smaller guy. I am buff and fiesty though, always up for an adventure! (Smiles in the end, laughing as it cuts out)
Ryan Nugent Hopkins:

I feel like Connor McDavid should’ve been picked over me, he's the best player ever. It’s not about that? Who cares? Oh Maria picked me over him? Blushes Oh well, thank you? I feel flattered, everyone always picks him over anyone else. Yes I know it’s not about hockey since we’re all NHL players here but still………...Wait that’s all I get for the interview? Who’s going to see this, I hope not Conor? Wait he will see it? Groans I’m sorry Connor I didn’t meant, well maybe I did but but…….cuts him off

Taylor Hall:

HOw come Eberle isn’t coming? Lee is coming in the Islanders spot? Why? Eberle is just as good as him? Well fine sure he has better stat, but that's not the point when it comes to reunions. Oh it’s not a reunion than what is it? Because the guys signed me up for it. Told me it was some NHL player reunion. Oh, it’s a tv show? For love? For who? I’m sorry, Maria sounds like a beautiful name, I hope I get to know her. I hope this doesn't get shown to her, I swear I’m polite, I’m Canadian after all. So now I know why the guys haven’t been getting on my case to get laid. Blushes embarrassingly

 

Yes, I am a goon, yes I’m almost an Enforcer. Yes I know the art of being an Enforcer is practically dead, but I’m not here to talk about that. I’m here for love, for a wife. I also really want to start a family, especially with Maria. Family is important, I have the same stances on life goals with Maria. People might see me, the rookie defenseman as an underdog but that's fine. I’ve always been the underdog and I thrive under it. You better watch out Maria, I’m falling hard and fast for you. winks

Tom Wilson

Yes. I am handsome. Yes, I have haters. I bet you watching this hates me right now. It’s not the ice, so I hope they will be less hate for me from the other guys. What no one really knows about me that, I’m a huge softie for lots of things. I love puppies and animals in general. I love cuddling up and just being free in relaxed positions in front of the fireplace. I also am not as dumb as you think, I’ve read lots of literature in my life, but the most notable one right now for me is Romeo and Juliet. It has violence, and death, which I enjoy, but also love, and forbidden affairs. Which is perfect to set the tone. I also like to write poetry. I am a pretty deep guy, which I can be uncomfortable with given my line of work and what I do on the ice. Yes I’ve done questionable hits, yes sometimes i haven’t regretted it, I especially enjoyed the ones on Reaves but that’s not the point. The point is I came here for love, love for an intellectual woman to have conversations with. Don’t mean to brag, but i am pretty sure my IQ is above everyone else’s here, unless Tavares is here but let’s not bring him into the conversation.

This season on the Hockey Bachelorette:
You think you’ve got a secret in the house? Not for long……

“What do you mean you told her? You’re my best fucking bro for life? What the hell man?”-

“What? She deserved to know you manwhore”

You think you were friends, not for long,

“I didn’t expect to have to deal with you and the past,”

“I didn’t either you son of a bitch,”
Rivalries are just starting

“We were just, you know, introducing ourselves and-”

“Guess who is in the house, I’m back Croz-”

That and more coming up on the first season of The Hockey Bachelorette, watch your backs boys, you’ll need it

“What’s going on in here-”
“What the fuck?”

 

“Holy shit, it’s a heavyweight battle between Tom Wilson and Tom Anderson!”

“Fuck you Marchand, you can’t treat a lady like that,”

“Serves you right, I was the one who got the puck anyway on the date, that’s how she likes her men, you’re barely in this contest, you’re just jealous”

“Clearly, some people are not on here for the right reasons”

“Did he just shove P.K. in the water?”

“Oh man, it’s a water fight, think they can hold their breath for a long time?”

“My bet is on Price, he’s a goalie, he knows how to defend himself”

“Man, Tyler J, just gave him a hell of a sucker punch, I’m surprised, but they’re both so small and fiesty,”

 

“I just wish someone would punch Brad fucking Marchand in the face soon”

“They’re all full of themselves here, while I still am not sure what the hell is going on

“Anders Lee is fighting someone? Let’s go see!”

“Why on earth would he fight? Who would he fight?”

Special guest appearances will come

“What the hell is he doing here?”

“How is he back?”

“How many two on one dates are there going to be?”

There will be heartbreak
“I just thought what we had was real”

“How can I go on?”

“How can I move on? How can you expect me to move on?”

“What did I ever do wrong?”

“I did come here for the right reasons, you gotta believe me when I say that”

“Our chemistry isn’t going along as with some for the other guys, I’m sorry”

“We just didn’t click”

And don’t forget the shy and awkward players/rookies

I think I’m falling for her

“I can’t believe she wants to even acknowledge my existence when there are so many different and better guys, who only brings only a fucking rose for a first impression? You wouldn’t believe what Brad Marchand did on his, or what P.K Subban did, I'm nothing like that”