This has got to be a joke! I’d thought. A really, really, fucked up and cruel, prank. There was no way that this could be reality, absolutely no way! Not my baby. Not my precious Finn! Why? Why isn't he here? Surely this is just one big misunderstanding; I mean people get it wrong all the time with pile ups. They could’ve misidentified him, it happens. Yeah. Yeah Mercedes, that's exactly what happened because what you have just heard is a pile of bullshit! I saw him just the other day with Kurt in Birmingham. They got an apart up there last year, I haven't moved in yet, but I think I will once I’ve woken up. After all, this can't be real life.
This is all just a nightmare. You'll wake up soon Mercedes; you must. But why? Why do I have to wake up? Other than to see Finn again? Something pressing is in the back of my mind. There’s something I really need to check on. Someone I really need to check on. Who is it? Why can't you remember what it is? Work, you stupid thing! That's what you're there for!
As I stop banging my head against the doorframe, a memory lights up in my mind. It’s Kurt, kissing Finn goodbye as he Skype calls. How could I ever forget you? What is wrong with me? How could I forget you? You were with him 24/7 after you left home? I must check on you, even if this is a dream -which I'm sure it is- I have to know you're okay.
This is a joke. This must be an awfully conducted joke. The punchline is so plain and so, so simple yet so very sad and final.
What a punchline!
Although, it’s obviously not true, I saw him two days ago. I saw him just before he went on that trip to see his friends in Bristol. Looking at the photograph of his bracelet though, I know it must be true. Of course its him. That bracelet was custom made when we all got together, the three of us, after skirting around it for a very long time. It was his idea, said it would always feel like we were together all the time, before the tattoos.
"Kurt, relax its just a tattoo," Finn had said, I’d given him a look
"There are so many things wrong with that sentence. Just a tattoo? Just a tattoo?"
Mercedes walked in giving us each a kiss on the cheek.
"What's going on here?" She asked, clearly amused
"I was telling Kurt about my tattoo idea,"
"What? You knew about this?" I asked, appalled
"Yeah, I think its a good idea," she’d said, smiling.
"Not you too!"
"Kurt come on, we're adults now and we've established that we'll be together of the rest of our lives,"
I look at the framed photo of us after our name changing and cry. Big, loud, wails. The anguished, harsh sound of a husband losing a husband or a wife losing a husband. I cry and cry until all I can feel are my tears. I cry until I feel exhausted, on the verge of unconsciousness, but I still feel the tears.
"You said for the rest of our lives!"
"Why'd yours have to be so short? Why did you have to go first? Why couldn't we all go as planned? In each others arms, old age and wrinkles. I would gladly have the wrinkles now for more years with you! Can anyone hear me? I said I would have wrinkles if it brought him back, I would do anything! Please no! No! Please tell me he's still here! Please tell me it’s a lie, it must be a lie because I don't want it to be true.”
I cradle the frame to my chest as I yell into the empty room.
Who could be ringing? I don't want to talk to anyone except maybe...
I look at the caller ID.
How could I not consider you? I know I didn't like you in the beginning, taking my man like that, but you brought him back. You brought him back and along with you, beautiful, powerful, vibrant you.
I answer the phone and your voice is so small I can hear your tears as they fall.
I begin to cry again "What do you need?" I ask in a much stronger voice.
"You," before the u is out of your mouth I'm grabbing my things and jogging towards your apartment.