She missed him so much, she missed his smell, the way he looked at her, touching his skin, hearing his voice, his moans, his whispers...everything he was. She always knew that he was her big love, the love of her life, to use a phrase that she laughed at before she met him. There were so many times that she almost gave in and called him and a lot of other times when she called without talking, she just wanted to hear his voice, even for a second, without him knowing that it was her, that he needed him. She wanted to punish him. It was strange how she hated him and loved him more than anything in the same time. Her thoughts were interrupted by his hand, finding his way under her skirt. She felt her skin responding to his touch, she wanted more and in the same she hated herself for it. She kissed him deeper and brought him closer to her, the feeling of his body heat and the cold wall that she was leaning to was maddening.
He suddenly stopped and looked into her eyes as if he was asking permission to take his next step and in the next second she lifted her in his arms, walking to the stairs. She knew that there was no turning back, she was so afraid to let him in her bedroom, the one that used to be theirs, in the bed that she spent so many nights crying alone, in her house, in her life again. She knew that she wasn’t ready yet. Yet she tried shifting the way she saw this, she decided that this was going to be a night of sex and nothing more, that with the morning the sorrow and the pain will take over her again and she will push him away.
He placed her on the bed and came on top on her, he looked into her eyes as if he was trying to make her see that everything he was feeling was real, that there will be no more lies, that what he did was the biggest mistake of his life, for which he was paying for the last year. He had so many sleepless nights that he couldn’t even count, crying himself to sleep. He was sure she did too. But this, this right now gave him hope, there was a time when he thought that there was no turning back, that he will never touch her, hold her in his arms, feel her breath on his face, feel the way that she wanted him. She was so different than all the other women he knew, she had a hold on him that he never knew how to explain.
The moment they got rid of their clothes and their skin finally touched was a feeling that brought tears in their eyes. It was unbelievable how, even for this second, this last year never happened, what he did never happened, all the sadness, the pain, nothing happened. He let his hand touch her body, searching for the places he loved, searching for the places she liked to be touched, her body was like a map and they were both wondering how he still knew all the roads on it.
She closed her eyes, trying to make the tears not to fall, she went along with this, now she had to be strong, she didn’t want him to see the amplitude of her vulnerability. It was almost like a sad game, that they played so many times, hiding from each other.
He was still unsure and although they got to this point, he was almost afraid to go any further, he was afraid that all this could end any second.
She opened her eyes and in the dark, she tried looking in to his.
-Kurt, I think i want this, she whispered with trembling voice. It was all she could say for now, she couldn't tell him yet that she missed him like crazy, that she thought about him constantly, that she will never feel the same thing for another man.
They were so unsure, that they both felt like they were two teenagers, having sex for the first time. He wasn’t sure that she really wanted this, expecting her to reject him and she was unsure if this was the best thing right now. She knew that she was vulnerable, that she just lost all her money, her job, maybe her house, and in the middle of all her desperation and depression, she found him waiting for her on her doorsteps, more handsome than ever, his hair was longer and looked really well with his beard. Her heart sank the moment she saw him.
And with all that on her plate, she had to divorce him. She was glad she wasn’t the one who had to make that choice, she put that in his lap and let him decide.
And it wasn’t enough that she was in the lowest point of her life, he had to show up, looking so good and open old wounds, wounds that will probably never heal.
His words echoed through her mind “ I didn’t leave you! “. Was that ironic or what?
When he pushed inside of her all the voices in her head were silenced. For a moment everything was like a silent movie, the only thing she was feeling was the sensation in her, her high walls crumbling a little bit. He stopped for a moment, just looking at her, and in the light of the moon she could see a tear dropping on his cheek. The way he looked at her, with such love and desire, like nothing happened, the way he moved inside of her, for a few seconds she saw a glimpse of her husband, the one from before, the one that was true and sincere, or so she thought. She felt his hands tremble and she could tell that this was a big thing for him too. And then another thought hit her with full force…was this the way he looked at her, was that the way he moved inside of her, too? She closed her eyes trying to push the thought away along with the tears that were threatening to burst out. But closing her eyes only made her imagine everything better, flashes were coming before her eyes, things she had imagined a thousand times, in a sort of masochistic ritual. How his hand caressed the other woman’s skin, how they laughed together, how he touched her lips with his own, how he forget completely about her existence in the other woman company and the way she was waiting for him to come home to her, thinking that he was the most honest man in the world, the way she slept with his t-shirt every night that he was away with work. She was so stupid. She hated the fact that he made a fool of herself and that he didn’t even had the courage to tell her before she found out in front of a court full of people, she hated herself for being so in love and naive that she trusted him with all her being and never once doubt him. And not least, she hated the way he robed her of the most beautiful thing that ever happen to her.
She couldn’t stop the tears anymore, she knew from the beginning that it was a mistake, that she shouldn’t have done this. A sob came out of her, and for a moment she got scared of her own sounds, and then she covered her face and started crying without any kind of control. She was so tired of feeling sorry for herself, she was so tired of the fact that she lost the husband that she trusted and loved, forever.
He looked at her, at first unsure of what was happening…but then her sobs and cries felt like a punch. He was frozen, he didn’t knew what to do. He wanted to hold her in his arms tight and never let go, but he was so afraid she will reject him.
-Diane, he whispered. Diane, please look at me, please…he started to kiss her face, her neck, desperately, all of a sudden knowing that this wasn’t just because of losing her money, or job. He got off of her, and took her in his arms, trying to give her some comfort, he wished he could take all her pain away, he wished he could feel her pain, instead of her.
She couldn’t shake the feeling that took hold of her, and the way he tried to caress her, and comfort her almost made her mad. She was so torn between all her feelings, why did he had to do that, why did he had to destroy it all?
- Diane, Diane, Diane, he whispered. I am sorry, I am sorry, I am so sorry, I can’t take back what I did , I can’t reverse time, I wish I could…
- Well you should! Because I think this would be the only way to take all this pain away, and since that is impossible, please ... leave, please Kurt, leave, leave. I thought I could to this, I thought … every time I see you, I see you two together. I can’t stop…every time you touch me, I wonder if you touched her the same way, if it felt better with her, she is younger, she is beautiful. I don’t know if i will ever get over this.
- Diane, you are the most beautiful woman that I’ve ever seen, you are…
- And yet it wasn’t enough, she cut him off.
She covered herself with the sheet, suddenly feeling ashamed of her body, of her age, feeling ashamed in front of him and she was starting to see him as a stranger again, because apparently she didn’t really knew him, if he could keep such a secret and she was the idiot that didn’t noticed a thing for three years.
- Diane…I’m sorry. I don’t know if you will ever believe me but I want you to know that I love you and I will be waiting for you as long as it takes. As he spoke, his tears started to quietly fall on his checks and on to her hand. When she felt the drops she looked up in his eyes. At some level she knew that he was suffering too, and that hurt her even more, but it was all his doing.
They were both looking into each other eyes, crying silently and they realised that there were no more words left. Neither of them knew what to say, they had this conversation so many times, but the fact remained – he cheated on her and unfortunately there was no way to undo what was done.
He took her hand and kissed it, then looked into her eyes, and with his thumb whipped a tear falling on her cheek. He turned, but then stopped for a few seconds and turned around to her again.
- I won’t divorce you..i can’t. They can take all my money, i don't care, I just can’t.
Then he took his clothes and for now he walked out of her bedroom, out of her house, out of her life.