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Effy's Journal

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25 January 2007
The counsellor woman gave me a journal to express myself. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? The only people who keep a journal are innocent teenage girls who live in a fabricated fantasy world because they find the real world boring. I can tell you one thing. I'm most certainly not innocent, far from it actually. So this seems like a total waste of time but I'm not one to back down from a challenge. Not to mention completely mundane for my liking. I've always danced to the beat of my own drum. I don't want to be like everybody else. Where's the fun in that?
I just came from a totally bitchin party. It was Matt's party and he has a massive crush on me. I let him know that I'll only come if there's spliff. I said if he got me what I wanted I'd make it worth his while. I haven't actually done it yet. I will soon though. I want to be really good at it first. My next-door neighbour has been showing me of things and I've given blowjobs. In a few days, I'll no longer be a virgin. As promised there was a shit load of weed and all the booze you can drink. I was in heaven. Tony covered for me by fucking with our dad. He's such an idiot. Adults are so gullible. Like how my parents think I'm some quiet and nice girl. If they only knew. I can play pretend. It's kind of thrilling in a sense.
I've been selectively mute for a good chunk of my life. One day I couldn't talk anymore and I haven't since. I wanted nothing to do with the outside world. I was just happy about being quiet. It's not that I don't have anything to say. I have plenty. It's a shitty world we live in. Not something I want to be apart of. It's a constant struggle. I wish I knew the answer. I'm not playing a game or trying to screw with anyone. This is who I am. My parents made me go to a bunch of doctors and shit. They all kept asking me why I withheld speech. I used to say "I dunno" until it was time to go home. But I did know. Sort of.
Okay. So Paris Hilton isn't an It Girl. Clara Bow was an It Girl. She was one of the biggest silent film stars ever. The Brooklyn Bonfire. I think we're really similar. She's a brunette. I'm a brunette. Her dad was mentally impaired. My dad is mentally impaired. She was really good at poker. I'm really good at poker. She married a cowboy. I don't think I'm getting married but if I did it would probably be to a cowboy. Anyway, basically, she was the biggest film star, like, ever. But then the talkies started, and then the films weren't silent any more. And it would be fine, except when Clara actually had to speak, she just froze. She couldn't stop looking at the microphones pushed at her face. She retired at the age of 26 and never made another film ever again. But even though Clara Bow couldn't deal with talking in public and Paris Hilton could probably talk for fucking hours about fucking anything. I reckon if Clara Bow met Paris Hilton, she'd punch her lights out. That's what it's like for me. People want me to speak but nothing comes out. I'm like a deer in headlights. What's the point? Nobody really cares anyway.

Chapter Text

7 Feburary 2007
So it happened like I said it would. I popped my cherry. I feel a sense of relief. It was like being on drugs, a good way to escape. All my practise paid off. Definitely going to do that more of that soon. I don't understand why most girls make their first time such a big fucking deal. It wasn't special nor romantic. I never intended to wait for love. Love, what's it good for? Absolutely nothing. I've seen people claim they were in love but they hurt each other. That sounds like misery if you ask me. All a fantasy. Even from a young age, I thought fairy tales were crap. I'm not even sure what love is. The only person I could ever really love is Tony.

My brother and I are like kindred spirits. We're very similar. He understands me the way no-one ever has. He's never minded that I withheld speech. We're connected somehow in an unworldly way. I want to be just like him. He's got the world in the palm of his hand. He gets everything he wants. He has a way with words. Everybody has an opinion about him. He doesn't give a fuck about anything. He knows how to give a good time and knows what he wants. Things have turned to shit since he started college. My parents have been proper strict lately. So annoying. I don't know how long I can keep up this charade. Our lives would be better if he and I got cottage of our own in the woods. Nothing bad would happen. It will be like us against the world. Everybody else can piss off.

I'm well aware that I affect men. I can't help that they keep coming. I know I'm hot. So I challenge them. You can look but you can't touch. There's something that nobody else knows. Deep down I want someone to want to get know me. Not just nail me. Such a lost cause. You know what people say. Careful what you wish for.

Chapter Text

8 February 2007
My real name is Elizabeth. It’s a shit name, I know. Call me Effy or a kitten will die. Tony started calling me that when we were little. He tried to call me Bethy but it came out as Effy, so it just kind of stuck. Besides, Elizabeth never suited me. It sounds like the name of a prim and proper queen. I’m a lot of things but prim and proper but prim and proper isn’t one of them. Effy isn’t much better but it’s the only name I’ve got.
Here’s the thing, I don’t have friends because I don’t want any. However, there’s this girl called Julie who follows me around. She talks a lot but it’s amusing which means I don’t have to talk. She gives me my own entertainment.
Everybody wants to get to know me. Like they want to explore all of my mysteries. They want to see into my soul and study me like a science experiment. But there’s something that everyone fails to understand. They don’t know me at all and they never will. It scares me to death to let someone in. So, I keep everyone in at arm’s length because people won’t like who I am inside. I’m not sure if I do either. I’d rather have everyone think I’m dead inside than to see the fragile girl I really am.
I hear voices in my head. I know I sound absolutely mental and maybe I am. It’s been like that for as long as I can remember. They chase me but I can fight them because I’m strong. I won’t let them control me. Luckily, drugs and alcohol do the trick.
I screwed Matt last night because a deal is a deal. It was okay but it was just sex so it doesn’t matter. However, he sent me a friend request on MySpace which is odd because I don’t use it. I think social media is stupid but I have to know when the parties are. I didn’t accept his friend request because I don’t want to give him the wrong idea. I don’t want a boyfriend. I was just doing him a favour in return. I thought he took the hint but unfortunately not. He called me on my phone. This is ridiculous! What’s a girl to do?