8 February 2007
My real name is Elizabeth. It’s a shit name, I know. Call me Effy or a kitten will die. Tony started calling me that when we were little. He tried to call me Bethy but it came out as Effy, so it just kind of stuck. Besides, Elizabeth never suited me. It sounds like the name of a prim and proper queen. I’m a lot of things but prim and proper but prim and proper isn’t one of them. Effy isn’t much better but it’s the only name I’ve got.
Here’s the thing, I don’t have friends because I don’t want any. However, there’s this girl called Julie who follows me around. She talks a lot but it’s amusing which means I don’t have to talk. She gives me my own entertainment.
Everybody wants to get to know me. Like they want to explore all of my mysteries. They want to see into my soul and study me like a science experiment. But there’s something that everyone fails to understand. They don’t know me at all and they never will. It scares me to death to let someone in. So, I keep everyone in at arm’s length because people won’t like who I am inside. I’m not sure if I do either. I’d rather have everyone think I’m dead inside than to see the fragile girl I really am.
I hear voices in my head. I know I sound absolutely mental and maybe I am. It’s been like that for as long as I can remember. They chase me but I can fight them because I’m strong. I won’t let them control me. Luckily, drugs and alcohol do the trick.
I screwed Matt last night because a deal is a deal. It was okay but it was just sex so it doesn’t matter. However, he sent me a friend request on MySpace which is odd because I don’t use it. I think social media is stupid but I have to know when the parties are. I didn’t accept his friend request because I don’t want to give him the wrong idea. I don’t want a boyfriend. I was just doing him a favour in return. I thought he took the hint but unfortunately not. He called me on my phone. This is ridiculous! What’s a girl to do?