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The Perks of the Fandom Lifestyle

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“Viktor I love you,

Viktor I do,

When we're apart, my heart,

Beats only for you!”

 

This little ditty had been being sung for 3 hours straight by a certain Japanese figure skater, and a certain Russian punk was close to stabbing his own eardrums to stop the constant assault on them.

 

Despite the many, many, many times Yuri had threatened Yuuri's life, the drunken Japanese just would not shut up.

 

Where was Victor in all this you may ask? Well he was swooningly swaying to the out of tune melody that was coming from between his lover's lips. He was so enamoured with his lover's choice of words - with his lover's grand romantic gesture - that he fell off his chair.

 

This crash caused Yuri to halt his bombardment of curses and for Victor to get the idea into his tipsy mind to go thank Yuuri for his wonderful declaration of love. Yuuri continued to sing, with his song getting more out of tune by the second.

 

As Victor clawed his way across the ground, he spouted random lines of romantic poetry (half of which were actually Taylor Swift lyrics). Seeing that now both Katsudon and the old man were up to Justin Bieber songs on the annoyingness scale, Yuri prepared to take his leave. He was halted in his departure however by a statement interwoven into Victor's slurred romantic poetry.

 

“Yuuuuuri,” he cried. “The song you are singing, expressing your love for me, is the most beautiful thing my ears have ever been blessed with hearing. I want to make it my ringtone. Sing for me Yuuuuuri!’

 

At that Yuri burst out laughing. So loudly in fact, that even Yuuri was knocked out of his daydreaming state. Victor huffed at Yuri, muttering about how it wasn't nice to laugh at declarations of love.

 

This only made Yuri laugh harder.

 

The drunken duo could only make out a few of the words he was wheezing out between laughs - 'This is rich’, 'Harry Potter’, 'Stupid old man’.

 

Eventually Yuri was sobered up by Yuuri returning to his unmelodic singing, and he was finally able to form a coherent explanation for his sudden laughing fit.

 

“You idiot old man,” Yuri scoffed. “Like hell the piggy wrote that song, it's from fucking Harry Potter!” With that final note be dissolved into laughter again.

 

“I've never seen Harry Potter.” Victor admitted.

 

This drew melodramatic gasps from the lips of both Yu(u)ris.

 

“YOU’VE NEVER SEEN HARRY POTTER!?!” they exclaimed incredulously (and somehow in perfect unison).

 

Victor hummed his agreement to this statement absent-mindedly. This response resulted in him being pounced on from both sides by two rabid Yu(u)ris.

 

Screeching that they had killed him by spattering him on the ground like a small insect, Victor maintained his oblivious attitude, unsure why his not having seen Harry Potter was such a big issue.

 

As the two chattered on in Victor’s ears, they finally became aware of the other Yu(u)ri’s actions.

 

Slowly, they turned their heads to face one another. Then all hell broke loose.

 

Yuri was aiming rapidfire Harry Potter trivia questions at Yuuri (after all, he might be a fake fan).

 

Yuuri dove at Yuri, hugging him as tightly as he possibly could without killing him.

 

Victor was confused as hell about the sudden spur of movement, was this all really about Harry Potter?

 

Eventually the two ceased their fanboying for long enough for Victor to get a word in edgeways. He use this limited time to inquire about the nature of their conversation (if you could call the yelling and near-wrestling a conversation).

 

The two Yu(u)ris replied at the same time, resulting in an incomprehensible row of fanboying. Finally though, Victor managed to comprehend their reactions. For some reason Yuuri and Yuri were obsessed with these Harry Potter films.

 

Very pleased with himself for his deductions, Victor plastered a suave grin on his face and set about trying to calm the manic Harry Potter enthusiasts.

 

But their thirst for arguments would not be sated, as their attention was turned to Victor and they began to bombard him with a torrent of abuse.

 

Eventually Victor crumbled under the verbal (and occasionally physical as a result of Yuri’s flailing fists) assault, and relented to what he thought they wanted - saying that he would watch Harry Potter.

 

As soon as this statement left Victor's lips the Yu(u)ris halted their onslaught in favour of turning their fangirling up to pitches only Makkachin should have been able to hear. When Victor tried to get through to the fanboys he was greeted only with more squealing and an eventual spur of movement as Yuri darted off to find the DVDs (in the cabinet in Victor and Yuuri's house - meaning he had no idea where to look). Yuuri joined Yuri in his frantic search a moment later when he realised that all his precious box sets would likely be subject to Yuri's crazed rampage.

 

Victor - shocked by the levels of fanboy surrounding him - remained statue-still in all this, unsure what behaviour was appropriate in the presence of two rabid fanboys.

 

Eventually the two returned, with the Harry Potter DVDs clutched in their paws, and slightly manic grins plastered across their faces. They then proceeded to shove Victor onto the sofa (an event dampened by the fact that sex with his gorgeous fiancé would not follow), and start preparing their sitting room for a movie marathon.

 

*Ten minutes later*

 

In this short space of time the living room had somehow been transformed into a den that Victor knew he would not be leaving until he had watched every Harry Potter film. There was a rather impressive pillow fort built over the couch, and a multitude of snacks (that professional figure skaters really shouldn't be eating) spread across the floor. The lights were off. The TV was on. It was about to begin.

 

The languages menu popped up on the screen and Yuuri made to click the English option - after all, they're all fluent in English and it's the original language of the films - aka, no crappy dubbing. Before he managed to click it, Yuri snatched the remote away, mumbling about stupid Katsudon and how they had to watch it in Russian because it's Victor's first time watching it and Russian's his native language.

 

That's when the war began.

 

The pair were tugging the remote in a wild game of tug-of-war, and as if the fact that they were crushing Victor (he was caught in the crossfire - sat between the pair) wasn't enough, they also had to deafen him.

 

Their yelling was right down Victor's ears, and he was certain that after this experience he would have permenant hearing damage. He sighed thinking about a future himself and Yuuri - happy and married. Their loving relationship would only be marred by Victor’s permenant deafness…

 

Snapped back to the present day by a certain remote smacking him in the face, Victor finally lost it…and started sobbing uncontrollably.

 

Called even in his drunken state by the sound of his fiancé’s pain, Yuuri reluctantly let go of the remote and began apologising profusely to his one true love.

 

Yuri on the other hand (or rather, on the other side of the couch), grinned triumphantly and began to scroll through the infinite pages of language menu until he reached the Russian option. Before he could select it though, a meek, slightly slurred voice cooed, “English, let's watch it in English.”

 

To punctuate Victor's request, Yuuri glared sassily at Yuri.

 

Yuri could see what Yuuri was saying to him, even though his only glimpse at it was in Yuuri's glazed (from being drunk), glaring eyes. Sighing heavily to himself, Yuri began to flick back through the many, many, many pages of languages, in order to find English. It was Victor's choice after all; it was his first time watching it.

 

With those shenanigans over, the drunken couple and angry teen settled back to enjoy 19 hours and 39 minutes (give or take) of pure Harry Potter bliss.

 

* 19 hours and 41 minutes later*

 

The extra two minutes were for a toilet break and drink refills, as after all, alcohol dehydrates the body, so Yuuri and Victor had to drink a lot of water (or rather Yuuri drank a lot of water - Victor drank a lot of vodka).

 

So after 19 hours and 41 minutes of binge-watching Harry Potter, there was: a more or less sober Yuuri, an incredibly drunk newly-converted fanboy named Victor and a half-asleep Yuri. Bearing in mind that at this point it was around half two in the afternoon and they were supposed to be at the rink practicing, the torrent of angry messages from Yakov on each of their phones was a surprise to no one - no one cared though.

 

As soon as the final film ended Victor had leapt up wailing that it couldn't be over, and how would he live without the characters - despite only having joined the fandom approximately 19 hours and 33 minutes ago (it took a few minutes for him to be fully trapped by the magic of Harry Potter).

 

This led to Yuuri frantically assuring Victor that it wasn't over: that there were books, spin-off films, a stage show, several theme parks and a website with more secrets.

 

This led to Victor freaking out and demanding to go to England to see the stage show and go to Leavsdon Studios.

 

Then Victor promptly passed out from feels (and also from being incredibly drunk).

 

The End.


PS: They did eventually end up going to all these places (in full cosplay) and practically giving Yakov a heart attack from their random trips to Harry Potter related places.