1 - 20 of 53 Works in James Bond Being an Asshole

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    Summary

    James Bond along with Sebastian Ronson is one step closer to uncovering the secret organization behind Quantum and getting the hard drive in a mission that leads them from Zurich to Monte Carlo to Amsterdam. However, standing in their way are James' old enemy Mr. White and a beautiful heiress, with a connection to M that holds an important clue. As Bond and the heiress begin to connect, will he keep his promise to M? And has he finally met the love of his life? Wonder what James Bond was up to during the gap between Quantum of Solace and Skyfall and how he became involved in the opening events of Skyfall? Wonder no longer.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    13,640
    Chapters:
    8/16
    Comments:
    3
    Kudos:
    5
    Bookmarks:
    1
    Hits:
    445
  2. Tags
    Summary

    Bond is on a flight home, exhausted and wounded, with nothing to entertain him until he picks up a discarded paperback. Both the author's bio and the blurb should be heavy hints for him to discard it immediately, but needing the distraction he starts to read and can't put it down. Once back at Six, he can't wait to leave the author a review...

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,339
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    23
    Kudos:
    80
    Bookmarks:
    2
    Hits:
    387
  3. Tags
    Summary

    James made it his life’s mission to make her miserable. Comments about her height, her looks, her intelligence. Everything you could imagine, any barb you could throw, he threw it at her. And Lily hated how her heart would stutter a little when she saw him. Someone so awful shouldn’t be so good-looking.

    But school was done.

    She was successful, wanted, envied.

    Lily hadn’t heard from James in years. But now he was standing in her dressing room, and apparently, someone wants to kill her.

     

    BODYGUARD AU

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    8,942
    Chapters:
    4/?
    Comments:
    46
    Kudos:
    92
    Bookmarks:
    19
    Hits:
    1302
  4. Tags
    Summary

    Emily and Alex entered into a relationship during 200. They've hidden it from the team for long enough, but things are about to become immensely complicated.
    Set around Season 11, after Emily becomes BAU Chief.
    Just an imagining from my mind because these two are my favorite queercoded characters who both deserved better.
    The warning for violence is for the case they work.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,824
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    2
    Kudos:
    12
    Hits:
    170
  5. Tags
    Summary

    Stark, Sansa Stark. Newly promoted to Agent for MI6, Sansa Stark is teamed up with her brother, established agent Robb Stark, his partner in crime (and love?) Theon Greyjoy, and 007 himself James Bond, to track down a suspected mole inside the agency. Sandor Clegane is assigned to this motley crew after his partner, Bronn, is injured in the line of duty. He knows the male agents by reputation, but doesn't know quite what to think of beautiful, clever, sharp-tongued Sansa Stark, who he at first thinks is not qualified for her position. Sansa, in turn, lumps Sandor in with the other sexist agents she has to deal with. Can the two overcome their bad first impressions to get their man? Will they be able to ignore their growing attraction?

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    54,242
    Chapters:
    15/15
    Comments:
    152
    Kudos:
    131
    Bookmarks:
    16
    Hits:
    3822
  6. Tags
    Summary

    “And our informant?” Other than the three of them and the boy, who is now staring back, Bond doesn’t see anyone else in the shop.

    The man pauses. “What do you two know about Uroboros?”

    The sudden change of subject pulls Bond away from the staring contest he's having with the kid. “Not much to be honest. Based on the report it's mostly just rumors. Something about visions of a doomsday project.”

    “Doomsday sounds about right.”

    “And it is far from rumor 007.” A small accented voice interrupts their conversation and all three turn back to the boy. “You would know that if you actually finished reading my report instead of skimming it. But I suppose that’s too much to ask for from a field agent isn’t it.”

    It's then that the Double 0 sees it. Twirling in between small fingers, is a glittery green pen.

    “You’ve got to be shitting me.”

     

    Tags will be added as they become relevant.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    52,687
    Chapters:
    3/?
    Comments:
    6
    Kudos:
    41
    Bookmarks:
    11
    Hits:
    672
  7. Tags
    Summary

    James Bond hasn't had a medical or physical exam since the day he joined MI6. It turns out all sorts of things can come to light when an agent is forced to undergo a routine exam. For instance, the agent who's spent almost 30 years enjoying the pleasures of the flesh has racked up quite the impressive number of STDs as well.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    6,639
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    2
    Hits:
    41
  8. Tags
    Summary

    Jon is Q. Jon is also Jon. This confuses James, a lot, because Jon is very weird.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,642
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Collections:
    1
    Comments:
    10
    Kudos:
    101
    Bookmarks:
    20
    Hits:
    456
  9. Tags
    Summary

    After discovering he had fallen for a lie and that Madeleine Swann was never on his side, James Bond is called back into the field. He must stop an arms dealer bent on destroying the world! In Prague, he is paired with a CIA agent wanting to prove herself in the field. James soon falls into old habits but will he fall for the sexy CIA agent or will he discover her dark secret? Meanwhile Q ends up in a fake relationship with James. James soon discovers that he is in love with two different people, the MI6 Quartermaster and the CIA agent! Who will he choose? And what will happen when his secret daughter is revealed? Will Spectre destroy James Bond's chance at being happy?

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    32,113
    Chapters:
    20/20
    Comments:
    24
    Kudos:
    12
    Bookmarks:
    2
    Hits:
    1160
  10. Tags
    Summary

    Everyone lives two lives. The second one begins when it is realized that the first is temporary.

    This is a story about salvation. Or rather, a story about two men and their two lives. Bond: old, weary, nothing left to lose. Missing. Q: Young, powerful, nothing left to lose. Ever-present, ever wondering.

    This is a story about abandonment. Or rather, a story about fidelity. What one has to be loyal to when the world is crumbling. Q: Queen and Country, Earl Grey tea, Eve and Mallory and his brothers. James Bond. Bond: unknown. Nothing.

    This is a story about legacy. The brave new world. The Fighting Temeraire. Or: how to pick up the pieces after Bond leaves, with Q's car and Q's stupid, shameful heart.

    Someone has to be 007, right?

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    35,442
    Chapters:
    25/25
    Comments:
    89
    Kudos:
    341
    Bookmarks:
    67
    Hits:
    6984
  11. Tags
    Summary

    Written for 007 Fest 2020’s collab prompt: Q has laryngitis, but Bond refuses to work with any other handler. Bond takes full advantage of Q not being able to talk back at him on the comms, so Q gets his revenge (maybe in the bedroom, maybe at work, maybe somewhere else entirely) when Bond gets back.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,026
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    14
    Kudos:
    140
    Bookmarks:
    8
    Hits:
    1304
  12. Tags
    Summary

    Eight years after Le Chiffre was killed, another airplane prototype is blown up, someone is making a fortune at the stock market, and Le Chiffre's biological daughter Cécile Bauer turns up at MI6 headquarters to ask for protection after nearly being kidnapped. Trying to figure out who this faux Le Chiffre is and how to stop them, James Bond eventually finds himself stuck with an angry, run-away teenager and an equally pissed off Q, chasing and being chased by a shadow of a long gone past.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    10,132
    Chapters:
    4/?
    Kudos:
    16
    Bookmarks:
    1
    Hits:
    182
  13. Tags
    Summary

    James Potter has relentlessly bullied his “enemy” Severus Snape since the first day he walked into Hogwarts. James never thought anything of it until one day Snape cracks and James sees the many horrible secrets Snape’s life holds.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    231
    Chapters:
    1/?
    Comments:
    10
    Kudos:
    111
    Bookmarks:
    10
    Hits:
    2704
  14. Tags
    Summary

    When Lance was kept late for practice after getting into a (teeny, tiny) fight with one of his teammates, to go into the boy's locker room, expecting to get a well-needed shower, but was hit in the face with wafts of an omega in heat.

     

    Keith goes into heat at the most horrible time, and Lance helps him through it.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    6,870
    Chapters:
    2/2
    Comments:
    20
    Kudos:
    551
    Bookmarks:
    50
    Hits:
    5296
  15. Tags
    Summary

    Sam is fourteen the first time he meets Alec Trevelyan and well into the understanding that the hunter's life is not what he wants. Years after the events in Arkhangelsk, USSR and a few months before the events of Goldeneye, the head of Janus travels to the US to set up a branch of his crime syndicate. He's ambushed by the minions of a rival and just manages to escape. Sam finds him bleeding out in an alley and rescues him. Alec wakes up to a kid tending to his wounds like it's nothing and the next moment is horrified to learn the child is his soulmate. As Alec takes in Sam's jaded attitude about his life, he makes arrangements for them to meet again when Sam is an adult.

    Series
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    3,036
    Chapters:
    1/?
    Kudos:
    29
    Bookmarks:
    4
    Hits:
    337
  16. Tags
    Summary

    007 find someone that looks at you the way Q...oh, never mind.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,142
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    32
    Kudos:
    162
    Bookmarks:
    6
    Hits:
    1343
  17. Tags
    Summary

    Deleted Scene from Spectre. The car, which Tanner is driving, was assaulted with bullets and no one was injured.

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    648
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    1
    Kudos:
    11
    Bookmarks:
    1
    Hits:
    583
  18. Tags
    Summary

    When a global pandemic hits, Conrad and the reader end up stuck in small cabin in the Rockies. Their mission did not go as planned and tensions are already running high. How will they cope being cooped up together with only one bed and plenty of anger to go around?

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    2,366
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    6
    Kudos:
    88
    Bookmarks:
    7
    Hits:
    1162
  19. Tags
    Summary

    [The shave scene from Skyfall, but with Q instead of Moneypenny]

    Bond pulled the door open, his gun pointed at whoever his surprise visitor was.

    "007. Do lower the gun, if you wouldn't mind."

    "Q."

    Series
    • Part 1 of 00Q
    Language:
    English
    Words:
    1,664
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    2
    Kudos:
    170
    Bookmarks:
    9
    Hits:
    1750
  20. Tags
    Summary

    That moment when Q has had a crush on Bond since the beginning but thinks nothing will come out of it

    In comes Bond with no idea of how to properly tell someone, you like them.

    A Situation starts up and honestly, Q gets the short end of the stick.

     

    " But like a dream that offers the sweetest aches of reality, Bond straddles his waist; buttons on his shirt open, and belt unbuckled. Q opens his eyes long enough to see Bond lean down and press their lips together.

    It is sweet
    It is soft
    It is rough and everything that Q has ever dreamt of. "

    Language:
    English
    Words:
    7,289
    Chapters:
    1/1
    Comments:
    7
    Kudos:
    91
    Bookmarks:
    11
    Hits:
    1469

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