Comment on Django&Sabata Oneshot Collection

  1. First things first, I wanna say it's great to see some more Boktai fanfiction! The series deserves more attention than it gets haha.
    I also want to say this fic is nicely written. Though, there's some constructive criticism(and also just some opinions) I'd like to give on your writing.

     

    First, the way you arrange things is a bit different from other fics I've seen. You've got less space between parts than what I've seen elsewhere. You also seem to be using «these» instead of "quotation marks" for dialogue. For example, I'd take:
    [Django was pacing around the bedroom, going back and forth from one bed to the other.
    «Could you please stop?» whined Sabata, putting the wet towel back over his eyes, lying on the bed closer to the wall. «I'm getting seasick»
    «Huh?» asked, sprinting towards him. «Are you feeling worse?» continued, touching his forehead. The other immediately slapped it away.]
    And make it:
    [Django was pacing around the bedroom, going back and forth from one bed to the other.

    "Could you please stop?" whined Sabata, putting the wet towel back over his eyes, lying on the bed closer to the wall. "I'm getting seasick"

    "Huh?" asked, sprinting towards him. "Are you feeling worse?" continued, touching his forehead. The other immediately slapped it away.]
    But that's just a personal nitpick of mine. A bit more seperation between bits of text like that could make it easier to spot one block of text from another though, especially if larger blocks of text start to show up.(That's just my thoughts anyway. It might not apply to everyone.)

     

    Another thing I noticed about your writing is you leave out who's saying something sometimes. For example: [«Huh?» asked, sprinting towards him. «Are you feeling worse?» continued, touching his forehead. The other immediately slapped it away.] This could be better worded like:
    ["Huh?" he asked, sprinting towards him. "Are you feeling worse?" he continued, touching his forehead. The other immediately slapped it away.] or
    ["Huh?" Django asked, sprinting towards him. "Are you feeling worse?" the boy continued, touching his forehead. The other immediately slapped it away.]
    Even if all you're including is pronouns, it can help keep the wording from being somewhat awkward.
    I'm not sure if that's just the way you write or if those were just errors though so -shrugs-.

    Aside from that, your writing is pretty good, and I'm sure it'll get even better if you keep at it!

    But anyway, this was a nice fic. Those girls are evil, dressing up a poor helpless Sabata like that. It was funny though. XD
    And if you need some more fic ideas(just some random suggestions):
    - Some of the Count's attempts to win the Queen's love(pre-Boktai1).Naturally all failures. (Because if I recall right, I heard somewhere that the Count had feelings for the Queen, but she always turned him down or something. Dunno if I'm remembering that completely right though.)
    - Violet and Sabata are bonding(and as always Sabata is being a big tsundere).
    - In Shinbok, Violet says the following when you talk to her while using Sol Trance(I think?):
    "You and Otenko combined!? Lucky... I wanna combine with Kuro!"
    So what if (post-Shinbok) she tries to "combine" with Kuro/Nero? Cute and silly ensue.

     

    Anyway, nice to see some Boktai content. Keep up the good work!
    Keep the Sun always in your heart!

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