Comment on When I get up, the nightmares seek me out

  1. This was soooo good. It was both really sad and really funny.
    The fight scene in the beginning was so haunting The voice of the enemy... who tells dimitri what he does notw ant to hear being felix. dedue being the only one not against him (and still a new kind of horror), sylvain kind of destroying himself...
    Felix still reaching for him and getting the scar that DImitri has on his armor... urg.
    and thenw hen he woke up... the interactiosn were so good (OMG ashe, felix will bring you back from the dead if that fic is what I think it is...)
    and then teh misunderstanding with felix. teh whole tension with him checking him over and felix being so tense (and apparently still armed? he did throw a knife at sylvain later...)
    their conversation was painful, poor felix, poor dimitri.

    it really hit that even in his thoughts he thought of himself as the beast in the end...
    the sylvain and dedue interactions were great. yes, more friendship!
    also sylvain's nihilistic accpetance...

    This was a great fic! thank you for sharing!

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    1. AAA no thank YOU for reading!!! From one comedy writer to another complimenting each other on funny writing is peak commenting imo ho ho ho

      Dimitri here acts like a monster to reduce other people's expectations on himself as well as it being the only way this sad pacifist can cope with killing so many people. Inside, his inner pacifist/gentle self is crying out for help but he suppresses it bc this is War and people in War cannot show Emotional Sadness. However, because of this Dimitri partially fears that he is turning into a Real bloodthirsty monster (which is good! but part of him also screams that that is Not What He Wants), which is reflected in his dreams where he tramples over his friends, callously, in order to reach his goals.

      Felix in his dreams is his moral conscience bc Dimitri imprints him as so, as the person who speaks the cruel truth to Dimitri although (as seen in their supports) Dimitri does not do anything but listen and sadly accept the truth when it is laid bare by Felix. So when Dimitri kills Felix it is like he is once again suppressing the gentle, pacifist side of himself that hates killing people.
      And Dedue!!! IS MVP. Knows the light and dark of Dimitri and still follows him anyway!!! Was not surprised when Dimitri went feral!!! Dimitri has a sort of complex of Dedue insisting on servant-master protocols rather than the equal-level friends he wants them to be, and in his dream this is intensified when Dedue dirties his hands to kill their (also Dedue's!!) friends bc of his steadfast loyalty to Dimitri and this horrifies him.
      There is a sort of sick way as to how Dimitri imagines killing his friends, Ashe w what happened to Lord Lonato, Sylvain to Miklan, Dedue staying loyal to Dimitri unto and after death etc...

      And of course when he wakes up he wants to confirm that everyone is safe!! He checks everyone for their injuries as he saw in his dream because he himself knows best that his barrier between reality and his delusions is extremely thin - what if his dream actually happened in real life?

      So when Dimitri barges into Felix's room, Felix stands still and does not treat him like an enemy bc Felix *does* trust Dimitri not to hurt him. Because somewhere inside Felix he wants to believe Dimitri will not hurt him.
      Felix's room is full of sword and blades, and yeah he probably even sleeps with a sword under his pillow. He won't preempt an attack against his former best friend/boar king Dimitri but he does not have any qualms about throwing a knife at Sylvain LOL
      I try to make Felix and Dimitri as painful as I can Ha Ha (dimilix undertones EVERYWHERE in this fic). Felix and Dimitri understand and don't understand a lot about each other, which is always interesting to explore. Although Dimitri doesn't tell him, Felix knows Dimitri came here bc he had a nightmare (Dimitri, though unconsciously, is seeking out Felix after his nightmare to Talk), and there is a parallel to what Felix says before and now when Dimitri has nightmares. We can fight our nightmares together -> You fight your nightmares alone and you Win.

      YES! You hit upon the transition from Dimitri to referring himself as the beast!! Note in his dream he does not think himself as Dimitri anymore but a common murderer, and here when he gets over the shock of his nightmares, his ghosts (guilt) come back to haunt him and he goes back to seeing himself as less than an animal. Killing the people you swore to protect does that to you.
      Wow Sylvain-Dedue and Dimitri-Sylvain is so important... god I wish they had more interactions in canon...
      Sylvain lowkey wants to die with every breath he takes so when Dimitri tells him not to die he is happily surprised that someone out there actually cares for him!! and also hopeful that Dimitri even after all the war crimes he's committed is coming back but also because he such a pessimist he tells himself that he cannot fall for such optimism, so he opts just to be thankful for this moment that the gentle part of Dimitri is resurfacing.

      And of course, after this they go to Gronder Field and Rodrigue dies just like in Dimitri's nightmare. Thank you for the lovely comment, and stay healthy and hydrated!!

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      1. I have still written more angst then humor, but humor is so much more fun... ;-) I mostly haunt the dimilix tag, so I don't see much else.. whoops. except on bookmarkt lists.

        Yeah, i think feral dimitri was very stuck on not caring, and it was easier when he wasn't around the people he cared for.

        I love the way you made all of their death kind of symbolic. also dedue, yes, his role as dimitri's support no matter what, even if it was better he didn't. The tragic thing is that he would probably actually do that. I mean, it's what he tells felix. people often forget that dedue is traumatized too, and not healthy. He gets better after his brush with death... but urg. all the blue lions...

        you summed up the tragedy of Felix fraldarius perfectly... urg. I loved the fact that even in the nightmare the childhood connection - like the closest friend who all but shared his pants - gets across, mixed with the whole Felix calling him out. (I am here for the dimilix!!!!!! always, but deep connections is something I accept as well)

        Well, at least this nightmares will be an additional wakeup call... the poor boy. You should have taken that Mercie hug...

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