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Mr. Woolsey Visits Atlantis

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"Ma’am, the Daedalus is entering orbit," Chuck reported, looking over his shoulder at Elizabeth Weir, who sighed.

"I was really hoping they’d be delayed," she murmured, ignoring the Canadian sergeant’s sympathetic smile. "Thank you, Chuck."

She activated her radio as she went into her office. "Col. Sheppard, Dr. McKay, I need to see you in my office."

"Is it important?" Rodney radioed back. "Because I’m in the middle of something here..."

"Let go of Col. Sheppard and come to my office," Elizabeth instructed, trying not to smile since she knew they would hear it in her voice. "The Daedalus is here."

"Great." John’s grumbling was clearly audible over Rodney’s headpiece.

"We’re on our way," Rodney sighed, turning off his radio before giving John a stern look. "We’re going to play nice, got it?"

"We were playing nice!"

"You know what I meant!"

John laughed. "Oh fine, I promise not to turn anyone into a toad. Hell, I actually like O’Neill and Jackson."

Rodney had to chuckle at that, and he reached out and squeezed John’s hand. "Just keep that in mind, okay?"

"I don’t really make a habit of randomly killing people, Rodney."

"I know that!" Rodney protested.

"Just sayin’." John grinned at him, letting Rodney know that he’d been teasing, at least in part, simply for the amusement of getting Rodney going.

"Oh, so you’re hoping that I draw all the attention away from you because of my rants, are you?"

"Hey, that could work." John suddenly looked interested.

"Fine, fine, when it’s me they cart off to the insane asylum, you’ll know why!"

"Nobody’s taking you anywhere," John assured him. "And since they already know what I am, I don’t think we need to waste time walking to the gateroom."

"Poof away then," Rodney snorted with a grand wave of his hand.

"You did not just call me a poof."

"I didn’t call you a poof; I told you to poof us!" Rodney protested.

"Uh huh." John was still eyeing him as they appeared in the gateroom, making the new arrivals jump, but everyone else had grown used to it since John’s revelation.

"Oh, put your eyeballs back in your heads," Rodney snapped.

"Didn’t want to go to another galaxy, huh?" Jack said to John, remembering the conversation they’d had on the way back from the Antarctic base the day they’d met.

John shrugged. "I really wasn’t sure that coming here was a good idea."

"Yes, yes, water under the bridge, deal with it," Rodney snapped, his eyes narrowing as he watched Daniel, who looked like he wanted to drag John off. "And no, he isn’t your private encyclopedia of all things Ori, so hands off!"

Daniel blinked, then chuckled at that. "You’re right, but I would like a chance to talk to you, Colonel, when time permits."

"Of course," John replied graciously before adding wryly, "You and Radek can fight over me, and Rodney can rescue me."

"I have a feeling you can rescue yourself pretty well," Jack put in while Mr. Woolsey continued silently observing.

"Yes, but it’s easier if I do it. People only dream about shooting me; they don’t threaten to actually do it," Rodney said sharply.

"They’d damn well better not!" John growled, flames appearing in the depths of his eyes.

"I’m guessing you need to order more fire extinguishers," Jack observed blandly, and Daniel smothered a chuckle while Woolsey looked around nervously.

"Need I remind you he saved your life?" Rodney asked stiffly.

"I remember," Jack replied. "With some pretty fancy flying." He and John exchanged a grin, and Rodney huffed out an impatient breath.

"Can we get this meeting going so you all can leave?"

"Rodney’s the head of our welcome committee," John observed wryly.

"Sorry, Dr. McKay," Daniel said cheerfully, "you’re stuck with us for the duration."

"And you’re quite welcome," Elizabeth said firmly, a gimlet eye on Rodney keeping him from further comment.

"I agree, and since I’m the only native of the city..." John trailed off significantly, reminding them that he had more claim to Atlantis than they did, and Elizabeth ducked her head to hide a smile.

"Are you saying you’re claiming eminent domain?" Woolsey asked sharply.

"Let’s avoid creating a situation where it becomes necessary for me to do that," John suggested. "I think we all know where it would end."

"Gentlemen," Elizabeth cut in, "perhaps we should continue this discussion in the conference room?"

"We’ve got food in there, right?" Rodney asked.

"If we don’t, we will," John assured him, following Elizabeth into the room.

"I know you’ve gone over this in your reports, but I’d really like to hear Col. Sheppard tell the story himself," Daniel began, taking off his glasses and cleaning them before putting them on again.

John shrugged. "I was born; I ascended; I got bored; I traveled; I found Earth with some friends; I played at being a god, or at least a demon. Fast forward a few millennia, I was playing human, ended up in Antarctica, and you know the rest."

"Being flippant isn’t being helpful!" Woolsey snapped.

John eyed him coldly. "You want minute by minute of nearly ten thousand years?"

"Oh please no!" Jack exclaimed. "I thought that was a pretty good summary myself."

"Plus does it really have more of a basis in what’s going on than what the colonel has done here?" Rodney demanded.

"We are at war with the Ori," Woolsey pointed out with some asperity.

John snorted. "Look, Mr. Woolsey, Ori don’t need to pretend to be your friends to spy on you. The agreement between them and the Alterans prevents either side from doing anything directly, and if they ever break it, believe me, they won’t need spies to destroy you. But on the plus side, I have a vested interest in keeping the people here alive and well."

"Which you’ve demonstrated time after time," Elizabeth said soothingly.

"Pretty impressively too," Jack added, clearly on John’s side.

Daniel broke in, "Just how do you keep the Alterans from noticing you?"

John shrugged. "They aren’t looking for an Ori here, and I don’t use much of my power."

"Can we stick to the point here?" Rodney suggested, glaring at the other three men.

"Which would be?" Daniel asked, smiling slightly.

"Good question," John muttered while Jack smirked.

"Gentlemen, I hope we can all agree that Col. Sheppard is not a threat to Atlantis," Elizabeth put in calmly.

"I agree with that," Rodney said quickly, and Jack shook his head, trying to hide a grin.

"How surprising," Mr. Woolsey said dryly, making John bit back a laugh.

"And just what do you mean by that?" Rodney snapped.

"He’s your lover," Woolsey pointed out. "You’re not exactly unbiased."

"That doesn’t mean I’m blind!"

"Col. Sheppard’s not my lover," Jack pointed out, "and I think he’s on our side too."

"Rodney’s not into threesomes, sorry," John told him, and Elizabeth had to turn away to hide her laughter.

"I have to agree—with Jack," Daniel added.

"Does no one find it even slightly peculiar that we are at war with the Ori and an Ori is in charge of the military in Atlantis?" Woolsey demanded.

"No," Jack said with a shrug.

"No," Elizabeth replied calmly.

"Well then, was there a point in our coming here at all?"

"The IOA insisted," Jack said. "And it sounded like the people here could use some help that outranked Col. Caldwell." He smiled slightly. "That would be me, if you weren’t sure."

"Can you just order him to stop being an ass?" Rodney asked, studying Jack intently, even when Daniel stifled a snicker.

"He’s a Marine," Jack said, making John laugh.

Woolsey regained his composure and looked around the table. "Seeing as this meeting isn’t producing results, I’d like to stay for several days, to see just how Col. Sheppard interacts with the rest of the people here."

"Oh joy," John muttered, rolling his eyes.

"You might want to keep in mind that he’s the CO and damn near every soldier and scientist in the city signed a petition to keep him here," Jack pointed out. "And most of them are armed."

"And the ones who aren’t, are even more dangerous," Rodney smirked.

"Believe him; he knows," John said, grinning at the scientist.

"If you’d like to observe day-to-day operations, I’d suggest we adjourn the meeting and get on with them," Elizabeth commented.


"Is he going to follow me around all day?" John muttered to Jack, rolling his eyes in Mr. Woolsey’s direction.

"Probably," Jack shrugged. "Just ignore him; that’s generally what I do."

"Not a problem for me, but if he keeps butting in, Rodney’s going to do something about him."

Jack chuckled at that. "I’ll see what I can do."

"I hope so because I’m not feeling particularly inspired to intercede on his behalf," John said dryly.

"Just remember to tell McKay that if he hurts him, he’ll stay longer."

John snorted a laugh. "If I tell him that, he’ll demand I assign a full platoon of Marines—which I don’t even have—to follow the man around and make sure he doesn’t so much as stub a toe!"

"You know," Jack mused, "the more I think about it, the more I’m appreciating the fact that we’ve basically got an indestructible military commander on Atlantis."

Laughing, John replied, "I guess being considered a secret weapon is better than an enemy to be annihilated."

"Ya think?" Jack asked, sounding amused and getting an answering smirk from the colonel.

"Certainly better for all of you."

"Not arguing that one bit."

John’s grin widened. "Teyla should be here. She’d deflate our manly posturing."

"With words or her sticks?" Jack asked wryly, making John chuckle.

"She starts with one and only resorts to the latter if we don’t take heed of the words."

Jack cocked his head to the side, studying John’s head at that.

John looked back curiously. "What?"

"I’m looking for the lumps."

"Lots of hair," John laughed.

"Ahh, that’s the reason for it."

"Nah, that’s just a fringe benefit. I just like it... and had it naturally," John added in the tone of one who’s said something frequently without being believed.

"Well, I’m sure McKay appreciates it," Jack said dryly.

"He keeps claiming it’s sentient," John grumbled.

"Wouldn’t be surprised..."

"I like my hair."

"I’m sure McKay is glad of it," Jack snorted.

"I really doubt you came to another galaxy to discuss my hair." John glanced over his shoulder, grinning when he saw Mr. Woolsey’s expression as Rodney snapped at him. "So I take it I can tell Caldwell that he’s still not getting Atlantis?"

"Unless McKay decides to toss Richard off one of the towers," Jack chuckled, looking in the same direction John was.

"Don’t give him any ideas!" John exclaimed. "I’m the one who’d have to rescue him."

"Richard or McKay?"

John snorted. "You honestly think Woolsey’d have the slightest chance against a pissed off Rodney McKay?"

Jack snickered and shook his head. "Honestly, no."

"Glad to hear it; I was kinda worried about having a delusional general pleading the SGC’s case in Washington."

"Watch it, Colonel, or I’ll sic Daniel on you," Jack commented wryly.

"Then I’ll hide behind Rodney," John chuckled.

"That wouldn’t be pretty."

"Not at all. I think I’d rather face the Wraith," John admitted. "Catastrophic comes to mind."

"Exactly. So, any chance of there being a celebratory dinner here tonight?"

"I’m sure we could swing something... What are we celebrating?"

Jack tilted his head to the side and studied John closely. "Are you sure you’re a god-like being?"

"For the last several thousand years," John assured him.

"Then why do you think we’d be celebrating?"

"If you say your arrival, I’m tossing you off a balcony!"

Jack chuckled and shook his head. "Do you really think they’re going to remove you?"

"Ah." John gave him a slow grin. "Do you think we should tell Rodney or let him continue to snarl at Woolsey?"

"It might make dinner more sociable if you let him know."

"True..." John stopped and turned to face Rodney. "Hey, Rodney!"

"What?" Rodney snapped, turning to glare at him. "Can you not see I am trying to save your job here?!"

John pointed a thumb at Jack. "He already took care of that. We’re having a party tonight."

Rodney’s mouth opened and shut several times, and he stared at Jack, then Woolsey, his eyes narrowing to thin blue slits. "Then why were you arguing with me over it?"

"I don’t happen to agree that simply because an Ori hasn’t yet done anything to endanger our expedition, he should be left in the position of military commander!"

"Your expedition? I don’t see you bleeding or dying for it," Rodney snapped.

"I think he might be about to," John remarked sotto voce to Jack.

"This expedition is under the authority of the IOA," Woolsey shot back.

"Then why don’t you go out in the field and get sucked dry by the Wraith—or, or go in some of the labs and find things that will kill you in two seconds flat!"

"Maybe we should show you back to your rooms so you can get some rest before this evening’s festivities," John suggested hastily, trying to prevent bloodshed.

"He doesn’t sound like he wants there to be any festivities!" Rodney snarled, and Jack looked over at Woolsey.


"General?" Woolsey replied stubbornly.

"Do you recall our conversation earlier?" Jack asked pleasantly.

Woolsey’s lips thinned as he pressed them together, and he refused to reply, and Rodney frowned more deeply. "Did that conversation involve your agreement that John remains as head of the military here?"

"Fortunately, that’s a military decision," John put in, trying to draw Rodney away from Woolsey.

"No, I want to hear the IOA’s opinion on this," Rodney demanded, making John wince.

"I do not believe that an Ori should be in charge of all our military forces in this galaxy," Woolsey snapped.

"Then how can we have anything to celebrate?" Rodney nearly screamed at Jack.

"What Richard believes and what the IOA has agreed to can be two different things," the general commented.

"Rodney, I told you," John started, giving Woolsey a toothy grin, "if it came to it, as a first generation descendent of the inhabitants of this city, I could claim it and kick anyone who doesn’t like it out."

"I understand that; it doesn’t seem he does," Rodney snapped, glaring at Woolsey.

"What?" Woolsey nearly squawked, clearly not having taken John’s earlier hint seriously.

"Did you forget that Ori and Alterans are the same race, Richard?" Jack asked with mock innocence.

"The rooms Rodney and I share belong to my family," John added helpfully.

Woolsey glared at the other three, his jaw working. "Fine, you have the legal claim."

"See, it’ll be much easier for us all to work together," John said, hoping Woolsey hadn’t noticed the various members of the Atlantis expedition edging closer, trying to hear what was going on. Since it was mainly military, he assumed the scientists had found a way to observe from a distance.

"Right?" Rodney asked Woolsey, his chin raising.

Woolsey grumbled wordlessly but he nodded. "Room?" he bit out, and John motioned one of the lurking Marines over, instructing him to lead their visitor to his assigned quarters.

"Well, that went better than I thought," Jack commented, and Rodney turned to look at him.

"Are you kidding?"

"It could have been worse," John agreed. "Is he likely to try again?" he asked Jack.

"Save the city a few more times and I doubt it."

"I’d really prefer to avoid situations where I have to."

"Understandable but it’s bound to happen."

"Thank you so much for that lovely thought!" Rodney groaned.

"Don’t worry; I have lots of incentive to keep you and the city around," John assured him, and Rodney glowered at him.

"Oh, so we’re all redundant now?"

John gawked at him. "I think I’ve given you plenty of proof that you’re absolutely essential to me."

"I meant for anything other than sex!"

Jack took one look at John’s expression and moved over to join Daniel, giving the two men some privacy.

"You do not actually believe what you just said," John growled.

"You know, I think Daniel and I will go explore the city now," Jack commented. "Try not to tear the place down."

John stood staring at Rodney, eyebrows rising as he waited, clearly not moving until he got an answer. Rodney glared at him for a long moment before letting out a sigh. "No, not at all. I’m just... pissed."

John sighed. "Yeah, I get it, but try to remember we’re on the same side."

"Yeah, I’ve got it," Rodney sighed, rubbing at the back of his neck before grabbing John and pulling him into a tight hug. "I’m sorry."

"’Sokay," John said, resting his cheek against Rodney’s. "We’re good."


"Yup. I keep telling you, you’re stuck with me."

"Yeah, well, we can celebrate after the dinner tonight."

"I was planning on it." John grinned, tightening his arms around Rodney before letting go and stepping back. "It’s my favorite way of celebrating."

"Mmm, me too, though we’ve got to get through dinner first," Rodney murmured.

"I wonder how fast we can eat," John mused.

"We can find out," Rodney assured him.

"Sounds like a good plan to me. And we both know it won’t surprise anyone."

"I think they’ll be amazed that we made it through the meal."

"Should we even bother showing up?"

"We are not giving that idiot Woolsey a reason to complain about you!" Rodney squawked.

"Oh fine, I’ll restrain myself... for a while."

Rodney chuckled at that. "You’re too good."

"Just remember that." John grinned at him. "So... find Jack and Daniel or go find a quiet corner and make out for a while?"

"Do you really want to spend the afternoon answering Daniel’s questions?"

"Good point. South tower?" John slid an arm around Rodney’s waist, ready to take them there.

"Take us there then, Jeeves."

"Jeeves?" The exclamation began in one tower and ended in another, John’s eyebrow shooting up again.

"Hey, if you’re playing chauffeur..."

"Do you want to walk back?"

"Then I might miss dinner and you might miss dessert."

"I guess I’ll just have to keep carting you around then," John decided.

Rodney chuckled at that. "I thought that might be your answer."

"Are you telling me that I’m predictable?"

"Only to me and only on the rare occasion."

John chuckled, sliding his arms back around Rodney’s waist. "I guess I can live with that."

"Good thing," Rodney murmured before kissing him.

"Like it was ever in any doubt." John nudged Rodney toward the lounge chair they kept on this balcony, the scientist dropping down onto the seat, pulling John after him.

"So we can really relax now?" Rodney sighed.

"Yup. No more secrets and no more worries about what might happen. We’re here, we’re together, and neither of us is going anywhere." John stretched out on top of Rodney and relaxed against him, and Rodney sighed.

"We owe O’Neill a beer."

"Why are we talking about the general?" John wanted to know, nuzzling the underside of Rodney’s jaw.

"I dunno, because we should be nice to him?"

"He is making it unnecessary for me to declare myself king and kick everyone else out of Atlantis," John mused. "I guess that’s worth a beer."

"Good idea," Rodney murmured, turning his head to kiss John’s cheek which was all he could reach at the moment.

"I have a few, you know," John chuckled, raising his head to grin at Rodney.

"Yes, I noticed that," Rodney sighed, pulling John down for another kiss, which John happily returned. Sometime during that kiss, both of their shirts and their boots and socks vanished, and Rodney chuckled against John’s mouth.

"That’s quite the relaxing trick."

"Isn’t it? This way we can stay comfortable."

"You’re going to make me lazy."

John snorted. "Which will last until you set foot in the lab and start yelling at your minions."

"Hrmm, good point, that will keep me in shape—along with other things we engage in."

"Of course, I’m happy to increase the frequency of our other activities if you feel it’ll help you," John offered selflessly, and Rodney burst into laughter.


"It’ll mean skimping on some of my other duties, but I’m willing to make the sacrifice."

"And which duties would those be?" Rodney chuckled.

"Hello, military commander here!"

"And that’s why I want to know what you’re going to be giving up so that we can have more sex—hrmm, and what I would be giving up as well."

"Gee, let’s see, would I rather spend time with you or writing reports... tough call."

"Hrmm, true, but we do have to work some of the time!"

John pouted, and Rodney groaned. "We have to do some work!"

"Why?" John wondered how long he could keep pushing this before Rodney blew a gasket, and he bit back a grin.

"Be-because even if they can’t send you anywhere, they can send me back!" Rodney sputtered.

"No, they can’t. I can guarantee that the gate wouldn’t work if they were stupid enough to try it." All John’s languor vanished with the suggestion.

"So we’re back to me staying here and being your sex toy, are we?"

"Oh fine," John sighed, relaxing again. "We’ll continue working and being productive members of society... or I could be your sex toy."

"You just got reconfirmed military commander of the city," Rodney reminded him with a laugh.

"But sex toy is so much more fun."

"Deal with it being a part time hobby."

"And they worried about having no control on me," John snorted.

"Obviously they don’t know either of us well."

"Elizabeth could set them straight on that."

"Maybe she did," Rodney mused, stroking his hands over John’s back. "Maybe we owe her a beer as well—or a bottle of wine."

"I think she’d prefer the wine," John agreed. "Her nose wrinkles when she drinks beer."

Rodney snickered at that. "True, well, you could change her beer into wine."

"That’s only supposed to work for water," John replied wryly.

"Yeah, go ahead and pull the other one."

John’s eyebrows rose. "You think I couldn’t?" he asked challengingly.

"I think you could turn anything into wine that you wanted, you idiot!"

John burst into laughter. "Caldwell?" he asked hopefully when he could speak again.

"That would be revolting," Rodney sniffed.

"We could pour it down the drain."

"It would clog, and who would fix it?"

"Drano is a wondrous thing."

"And how do we know they won’t replace him with someone worse?"

"Is that even possible?"

"It’s the SGC; do you need to ask?" Rodney snorted.

"I think you need to make it up to me for making me think of such a horrible thing," John decided.

"Oh my god, you’re a perpetual twelve-year-old," Rodney groaned.

John’s eyebrows shot up again. "Know a lot of sexually active twelve year olds, do you?"

"Well, no, but they think about sex all the time!"

"Exactly how many twelve year olds have you spent time with?"

Rodney sputtered for a moment at that. "Well—myself! Which is more than you have, may I point out!"

"You were thinking about sex when you were twelve?"

"In an abstract way, yes!"

"I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t meet you then, then."

"Why? Do you think I would have jumped you or something? My god, you have a twisted mind!"

John laughed. "Maybe the jumping would have been mutual," he suggested, wondering how much he could get Rodney going.

"That would have been child molestation!!!"

"Not in most cultures I’ve known," John pointed out, managing to keep a straight face.

"You are a sick, sick man," Rodney grumbled.

"And I’m all yours." John beamed.

Rodney shook his head and finally relented. "Yes, you are."

John kissed him for that, and they were both smiling when John finally drew back. "You are such an idiot," Rodney muttered before kissing him again.

"It’s a good thing you like idiots then," John chuckled a little later, shifting languorously atop Rodney and making him groan.

"More than like," he admitted.

"Fortunately for me," John murmured, licking Rodney’s throat and making a soft sound of pleasure.

"Dinner..." Rodney groaned, tilting his head back, his fingers clenching against the other man’s back.

"Is not for a while," John reminded him, a hand moving to catch one of Rodney’s nipples between thumb and forefinger.

"Jo-ohn..." Rodney gasped, bucking upwards, and their remaining garments vanished, making John’s next squirm even more effective.

"Planned this," Rodney panted, though he slid his legs around John’s and rocked up against him.

"Would I do that?" Their cocks aligned perfectly, and John groaned as they slid together.

"Yes!" Rodney gasped, clutching him closer and grinding his hips upward.

"You’re right," John agreed before kissing him, Rodney opening his mouth, sucking his tongue in as they rocked together. They moved slowly, enjoying the buildup, the breeze pleasant on their sweaty skin, Rodney’s moans a low counterpart to the crashing of the ocean far below them.

"Love you," John whispered into Rodney’s mouth, his hands moving over Rodney, seeking every familiar pleasure point.

"You too," Rodney gasped, "always stay with you."

"Yes," John replied emphatically even as he panted, his hips beginning to speed up as the pleasure drove him, and Rodney nodded, grabbing him tighter, his legs clenching around John’s thighs, making John shudder and move even faster.

"Make me crazy," Rodney panted before moaning, his climax pulsing out between them, slicking the way for John’s thrusts.

"Crazy about you," John returned, moaning softly at the feeling of Rodney’s come coating him, and he took Rodney’s mouth in a hard, fierce kiss, pleasure pounding through him until he came.

Rodney lay beneath him, panting for breath, a smile curving his lips. "Good."

"Smug bastard," John mumbled into his neck, sounding pleased by the fact.

"That’s why you love me," Rodney chuckled. "If I was easy, you’d be bored by now."

John snorted a laugh. "And no one would ever accuse you of being easy."

Rodney shrugged at that and kissed John’s temple. "Take me as you find me."

"As often as you’ll let me," John assured him.

"Why does that not surprise me?"

"Because you know me," John replied, shifting around to rest his head on Rodney’s shoulder and lazily run a finger up and down Rodney’s chest.

"And you know me," Rodney murmured, reaching up to stroke John’s hair.

"Worked out pretty well, huh?"

"The two of us? Yes, we did."

"And now we’ll both be relaxed enough to enjoy tonight’s dinner."

Rodney chuckled at that. "You just wanted me to be in a good mood so that I don’t yell at Woolsey later."

"Actually, it’s kind of amusing watching you do that. I just wanted you to be relaxed to begin with so you don’t burst a blood vessel."

"You take such good care of me," Rodney chuckled.

"I’m so glad you noticed. Do I get a reward?"

"Now?" Rodney squawked, making John laugh.

"I’ll take that as a no."

"You’ll take it as I just came and there’s no way I’m getting it up for a while—and don’t you try! You’ll get your reward after dinner."

"This is going to be a very short meal," John snickered.

"I thought we had already agreed on that."

"Even shorter than that. You’d better have a Powerbar before dinner."

"Speaking of dinner, we should get back and clean up for it—then have a snack."

Rodney had barely finished speaking before they were back in their quarters, the shower on and ready for them. "You are so handy to have around," Rodney chuckled.

"Told you so," John said, smirking.

"Do you think I didn’t know that?" Rodney snorted.

"A guy likes to be appreciated," John said, camping it up, and Rodney shook his head.

"Insane. Now come on, we need to take a shower and get ready."

John gestured grandly, indicating that Rodney should precede him into the running shower, Rodney’s laughter following them as they went.