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Paging Nurse Coulson

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"Uncle Phil?" Eleanor asked as she coloured on the ground.

"Yes, sweetie?" Phil was writing in his wedding journal.

"What if something goes wrong?" she asked. She pointed at the seating chart on the coffee table. "Something always goes wrong."

"No it doesn't."

"Uh-huh, good things always get ruined," Eleanor countered. 

Phil pulled her up into his lap and gave her a kiss and cuddle. "Things go wrong sometimes, but not always. And I have plans."

"You always have plans."

"That is right, and my plans have plans," he said. He moved the seating chart for the ballroom at a nice hotel 4 weeks from then. He showed her the plans for a quick wedding on the Bus if they got word they were wheels up for an emergency. There was plan for a hospital room wedding, one on the helicarrier, even just 4 people at the courthouse. Each of these had notes on different variables. "See, lots of plans. And in the end as long as I marry Melinda, the how doesn't matter so much."

"What matters is that she looked fabulous," Wade said as he spun into the room on a giant wedding dress with a sweetheart neckline. "It is a little excessive, but you only get married once."

"She has an ex."

"You only get married once to Phil," Wade amended. He adjusted the gloves. 

"Did you just have that in your closet? How would it even fit in a closet?" Phil asked.

"Kleinfelds had a flash sale. I bought six dresses. Though I might keep this one." Wade played with one of the numerous ruffles.

"A sweetheart neckline broadens your shoulders too much, go sleeker, more a halter neckline or mermaid skirt." Phil hung his head, he should know better than to encourage Wade.

They all heard a thump against the door and Phil tapped Eleanor's leg. She ran for her bedroom to hide. Phil got out a gun and Wade grabbed a sword. The door knob twisted and Peter stumbled in. 

"I do declare, my sainted aunt," Wade shouted and he ran over as Peter collapsed. He picked him up and carried him gently to the couch while Phil went for the extensive medical kit he kept there. He stopped and told Eleanor it was all clear but she should stay in her room. 

Wade ripped up his skirts and held the fabric to some of the wounds. "I promise, no matter that you are a yankee soldier, I will tend to your wounds." He used a strip to wipe away Peter's sweat, the mask having been pulled off earlier.

"We agreed no roleplay until I am 21," Peter said and groaned as the pain made itself known.

Phil sat on the coffee table. "We agreed no nothing until Peter was 18."

"Wade's been nothing but a gentleman in deed," Peter promised. "I mean if we ignore the texts and bad guys he ties up in lewd positions."

"Good," Phil said as he eased away the uniform from Peter's soldier to check the wounds. "Because I'd have to kill Wade otherwise. And I have spent a great deal of time research and planning how to kill him. No offense, Wade."

Wade hugged Phil tightly. "That actually means a lot to me."

"Bleeding here," Peter said.

Phil prepped his needle and thread.

"Sorry by the way, the place I told you about for canapes, kind of got blown up," Peter said sadly.

"You matter more than tasty finger food."

"Well not pakoras," Wade teased.

"Nothing is better than the ones off that truck that hangs out on 33rd," Peter agreed.

Phil just shook his head and patched the kid up.


"Phil, little busy here," Melinda said into her comms.

"It's just an Asgardian Destroyer, you are fine. So you need to let me know if you have any thoughts on our first dance song," Phil said. He heard the sound of the machine warming up to fire and tons of swearing, he whistled while he waited for further word. There was a lull. "I'm thinking nothing too slow, I want to see you dance."

"Busy!" she shouted. 

"I can wait."

15 minutes later he was pretty sure it was done. "So, a Disney song feels like a little much."

"We are incoming with burns and Mack likely has a concussion. And why the interest in dancing all of a sudden?" Melinda asked.

Phil stayed silent.

"Who told?" Melinda snarled.

"A little bird," Phil said happily. "Top marks in dance class Melinda? You think I'm not cutting a rug with you, even if we are in jail when we are married?"

"When did jail get added to the contingency plans?"

"Last week," Phil offered. "Sinatra?"

"I have an outfit, and I am showing up. Those were the rules." Melinda tapped her comms off. Phil hummed a little and the comms tapped back in. "If you pick a power ballad, I will be the fastest widow on record." She went silent again.

"A dancer, really?" Jemma asked beside him.

"Apparently," Phil said. He readied the medical pod for the incoming patients. 

Not Sinatra, maybe the Beatles.


Phil was sitting on Melinda's bed and making some notes in his journal for the wedding that was now only a week away. He was getting very excited and knew under her resting bitch face that Melinda was too. The whole Bus was getting excited and happy they were on the ground until after the wedding. He had given up his apartment months ago, they were just so busy on the Bus. His stuff was split between Wade's place and Melinda's quarters here at the Hub. Phil was happy that he convinced Wade they needed a slightly saner officiant and the trade off had been Wade doing the flowers. He'd been worried but Eleanor promised to help. He had the first dance to five songs when he heard the shower turn off. Phil quickly put the journal away in the drawer. Melinda had promised sex so long as the journal was away when she got back in the room. It was squirreled away with his Captain America trading cards, medical id, and her guns and knives. He took his t-shirt off but left the boxers on.

Melinda opened the bathroom door.

"Oh god," he whispered. 

"What?" she asked as she sauntered to the bed and climbed onto his lap.

"Lace, black lace, and skin, and straps, and oh holy fuck in heaven." His hands settled on her hips and crushed the lace. "You never wear stuff like this. This is honeymoon stuff." Phil looked up at her. "Wait, I haven't jumped in time, the wedding is still next week, right?"

Melinda kissed away the panicked look on his face. "Relax. I just read those articles you forwarded about keeping sane while wedding planning."

Phil smiled a dopey smile. "You do love me."

"Anyways, they said couples are often too tired after the wedding to enjoy the fabled wedding night sex, and just to be safe, figured we should have some fun now." Melinda's kiss changed from sweet to filthy and Phil let himself be swept away. He scratched his nails up and down her thighs and sighed when she ended the kiss with a gentle nip on his lower lip. She worked her way over his jaw and down his neck.

"Another time would you wear your work boots with the heels with this?" Phil asked. Melinda stopped sucking on his collar bone to look at him. He flushed a bit, "Sorry, never mind." 

Melinda swung off him and he whimpered at the loss of her skin, her warmth. She went to her closet and pulled something out. "These were from an op." She bent down and slid her foot in and zipped up the knee high spiked heel boot and did the same on the other foot. She turned to Phil. "Well?" He didn't respond. "Phil?"

"Sorry, my heart stopped," he said hoarsely. He thumped a fist against his chest. "I want to fuck you hard into the mattress those on my shoulders or squeezing my waist. Whatever. Bed. Boots. Now." Phil held out a hand and when she took it, he yanked hard and rolled so she was under him. Melinda wrapped a leg around him and he swore at the feel of it against his skin.

Phil kissed her hard, the hand in her hair tugging, pulling her head back. He worked his way down her body and bit at a nipple through the lace, sucking and laving until it was hard and Melinda was squirming under him. He did the same to the other until a heel dug into his back.

"Enough foreplay," she said.

"I'll be the judge of that," he said. He pressed his fingers against her folds rubbing the lace against sensitive skin. "Mmmmmm," was all he managed to say, he was never going to get tired of touching her. He was careful but quick and hard as he pushed two fingers into her and pumped them in and out a few times. "Fuck," he whispered.

"That's what I am asking for," Melinda said. She moved so his fingers slid out of her and she was able to reach down and pull off his boxers. His hard cock bobbed a bit and she wrapped her hand around him. 

Phil settled back against her hips and moaned when she rubbed the tip of his cock against her clit. She pushed down a little and Phil angled and slid into her until he bottomed out.

Melinda's smile as she put a leg on his shoulder was wicked. Wicked and perfect. He didn't start slowly, like usual but pushed hard, rocking against her plunging in and almost out again and again. He eventually let the leg drop so he could get a better angle to rub her clit. The feel of the boots tight around his waist was short circuiting his brain.

Phil wanted her to come first but damn if he could hold on much longer. Melinda swore and rocked her hips up hard to meet his and she bit into his shoulder. She was even tighter around his cock the spasms of her orgasm triggered his. When he collapsed he barely remembered not to squish her.

Melinda got up while Phil was pretty sure he was still seeing actual stars. She returned bare foot and in a large SHIELD t-shirt. She was just as sexy.

Phil took his turn in the bathroom and when he got to bed pulled Melinda close. She hated touching while sleeping but always let him have some snuggles before hand.

"A honeymoon would actually kill us," he decided.

"We're having a honeymoon," Melinda protested. "Chasing an 084 through India, nice and relaxing."

Phil kissed her head and held her close for another moment. He knew she was being utterly serious that that was a good honeymoon. Them in only slight peril and 4 other people traveling with them. Then again, it kind of sounded fun to him too. 


Phil was pleased with how the room looked. And he was almost sure that not all the flower arrangements had weapons hidden in the middle. Guests were starting to arrive and he showed them to tables and chatted.

"You look so beautiful, Uncle Phil," Eleanor said when she, Wade, and Peter arrived. She was in a pretty pink dress and Peter looked uncomfortable in his suit. Wade looked rather stellar. 

"You are wearing the suit I got you," Phil smiled at his best man.

"My underwear have unicorns on them," Wade said. "Promise to be good through the ceremony."

"I know you will Wade," Phil said.

Wade hugged him. Phil always had faith in him. It was crazy. Wade wouldn't screw this up. The gremlins in the corner could be dealt with later. 

Soon enough all the guests had arrived and Fury was at the front ready to marry his employees. "Well? I was promised quality food and booze, let's get the legal crap over with, so we can have fun." Maria glared at the man.

Phil just smiled. "Oh Melinda and her team are running late, there was a quick text that said oops and that was it. They'll be here soon." Phil looked completely unconcerned.

Maria started typing furiously into her phone. "Johnson logged in a level three threat about an hour ago in the subway system."

Fury sighed. "Phil, looks like this might not happen." He looked ready to make a statement to the group who were looking a little restless.

Phil's phone beeped. He looked at it. "Contingency plan 1 beta, Peter," he called out.

Peter quickly left the room and Phil reached under the head table and pulled out an armored case. He opened up and started sorting.

"What the hell?" Fury asked.

"Wade, door!" Peter called out. Wade hurried over and Hawkeye met him. They stopped for a minute to do a bro hug. "Help," Peter reminded them. He couldn't stop himself from glaring at Hawkeye a little as he wheeled in the hospital chair. Wade had talked about Hawkeye a lot since they had met over the vents of Phil's hospital stay. 

Wade squeezed Peter's hand and helped him wheel the chair over. "He's not as cute as you sweetie. He has resting bitch face, not resting happy face. Besides I know the future. If we have problems it isn't because of him. Right readers, we've all seen the latest news, Pete and I are soulmates," Wade said cheerfully.

Peter rolled his eyes but smiled at the insane man that yeah maybe he adored. "Here you go Phil," Peter said and went back to his seat.

"Thanks. Wade the folding table over there," Phil pointed and Wade went and got it. Phil put a sterile cloth down and laid out supplies. "Should cover what we need."

The whole room heard the commotion out in the hall, the manager cried out, "You can't go in there, that is a private function and all of you are covered in dirt, and blood, and I'm calling the cops!"

"That's my fucking wedding in there, and I'm not missing it!" Melinda could be heard yelling. "Now get out of our way before I gut you."

Daisy blew open the doors and there they were, the strangest wedding procession ever. Daisy was covered in dirt and her uniform was torn, Mack had shiner and was holding Melinda up while Fitz and Jemma looked a little glassy eyed. There may have been pizza in Jemma's hair.

Melinda had a split lip, some blood had trickled from her hair to her forehead and it looked like a four inch gash on her ribs. "Walk me down the goddamn aisle, Mack," she ordered.

Phil's grin was blinding with joy. "She's perfect."

Fury shook his head. "See this is why I wish my people wouldn't fall in love, makes them crazy."

Mack helped Melinda to the front and onto the medical chair. Her team sort of stayed hovering. 

"Wondered how you would get out of wearing a dress," Phil grabbed some cleaner and gauze and started to clean her up.

"I wanted to wear it," Melinda said. "Blame the bastards who took over a subway car with alien tech. When they wake up, I was a little enraged at the delay."

Phil cut away the fabric near the cut that needed stitches. "Come Fury, don't hold us up," he said as he put on a pair of gloves to clean and stitch the wound.

"Huh?" Fury frowned his scariest frown. Damn nurse making him at a loss for words.

"Marry us," Phil grinned.

"Damn, Hello Kitty has balls," Fury said. It was echoed by the whole room.

Melinda ignored them all and just focused on Phil who repeated his vows as he stitched her closed. She carefully recited the words when it was her turn. Phil taped up the wound just as Fury declared them married. Phil gave her a gentle kiss, mindful of her split lip.

"You smell like subway garbage," was the first thing he said to Melinda as her husband. "I made sure this facility had a shower and that you and the team had a change of clothes on hand."

Melinda smiled at him and gave him a second kiss. "I love you."

"Damn right you do," he agreed. "I love you, eternally. Now go, I need to clean this up."

Phil tidied all the medical equipment while the Bus team got cleaned up.

Most of the people there were SHIELD and ended up finding it all rather romantic, stitching up a person as you say your wedding vows.

The team returned and Melinda looked a lot better. Phil wouldn't let her have any champagne with the pain killers he had given her, though Wade slipped her a glass for toasting and she only took a couple sips. She never let go of Phil's hand.

Phil stood up and thanked everyone for coming and said that they were to enjoy the open bar and the dancing. He looked down at Melinda. "The hardest part of all this, aside from having an actual contingency plan for the rise of Cthulhu was to pick a first dance song for Melinda and I. She swore she didn't have a preference, but the list of things that were banned unless I wanted grievous bodily harm kept growing. So you'll indulge me if it is a peculiar choice." Phil held out a hand. "Melinda, may I have this dance?"

She didn't say anything just followed him to the open side of the banquet hall. It was quiet until Phil coughed and Peter remembered his job. Peter ran to the bar and pressed play on the docked ipad.

The strains of the music started. Hawkeye was the first to recognize the song and he started to laugh. "Fucking perfect for you two."

Phil gently moved Melinda around the small dance floor, careful of her stitches as Nick Lowe's Cruel to be Kind played.

"I'm cruel?" Melinda said pretending to glare. She sort of loved the pick.

"No more than all the times I pushed you back down to take care of you," Phil countered. He spun her out as the song sang 'cruel to be kind means that I love you baby.' He brought her back and arched her into a dip. "You didn't want normal, I provided."

"I'm sorry, Phil," Melinda said as the music went into another song and people joined them on the dance floor.

"For what?" 

"For ruining the wedding plans. I really did mean to be here on time, in my dress," Melinda kissed his jaw.

"Melinda May, I married you today. It was perfect," Phil promised her.

When Wade swung by with Eleanor wearing the top half of his suit but no pants in order to show off his unicorn boxers it was still pretty perfect.


"Still think this is a good honeymoon, Melinda?" Phil asked with a glare.

"There is sun and surf?" she asked.

"Green surf, black sand!" Phil yelled. "Because the 084 sucked us all onto a different planet!" Phil clutched his bag close, relieved he hadn't dropped it through the vortex, black hole, thing.

"Ooh, look at all the flora!" Jemma squealed. Fitz was poking at the 084 trying to get it to work. 

Daisy was experimenting as her powers seemed to work differently here.

Mack was unconscious again.

Melinda shrugged. "Seems like a good honeymoon to me." She gave him a thorough kiss until he relaxed a little. 

"I'm not even in my hello kitty scubs," he said, staring at his SHIELD field gear. "I'd feel braver in them." He paused. "I did not say that." Phil smiled when Melinda gave him another kiss.

"Oh dear, the plant tried to eat me," Jemma said.

"You keep the team alive, and I'll get us home," Melinda promised. "And look in your field bag."

Phil dropped to the sand and opened it up, to find his Hello Kitty scrubs in a vacuum bag in the side pocket.

His wife loved him so. Phil switched to the scrubs and got ready to fix up Mack and Jemma.

Nothing was going to ruin this honeymoon.