Alec did not understood what was really going on and why Magnus had sat among them. When he started to talk with Izzy he sort of realized that his sister had made friendship with him, but he still did not fully understood because of one simple reason. He didn't even knew that Magnus was concerned about their existence. Jace as being who he was, found a way to join the conversation and about Alec himself… He just bowed his head and looked at the food. He couldn't look Magnus in the eyes. Those gold green eyes who happened to be the good part of each of his nightmares because he was scared enough with the fact that he preferred boys over girls. Magnus Bane who was sort of his wet dream was now flesh and bones sitting just a few inches away from him. It wasn't really helping it. Izzy gave him a concerned smile as Jace and Magnus engaged in a conversation. She sort of knew about his huge crush on the half-Asian boy, he never needed to tell her but his little sister was one of those girls with an extra sense that overall people didn't had. She always said that he should talk to him, but Alec never really told her why he could never do that even though the answer was simple enough.
It was so obvious to Alec why Magnus would never look at him that it was something it even didn't needed to be said. All it would take to realize it was to look at himself and at Magnus. However, his sister seemed not to notice or at least pretend she didn't. It made Alec angry, how she always tried to deceive him telling that he could had a chance with the Indonesian boy if he could just spill out that he liked him. In his deepest dream, well... Maybe she could be right. But not in real life, because real life always sucked and Magnus was simply perfect, his skin was smooth, like a peach and the caramel tone that he had was just heavenly sun kissed, his skin looked like it took a sunbath in the skies or something really close to that. His sharpened cheekbones always had a beautiful and charming glow and even if he knew it was just make up, it suited him just like all the rest.
It was as if only Magnus were capable to portrait that body in such a perfect way. His eyes were Asian shaped but wasn't typical of Asians, they were green with gold and brown spots and he had the smart and dangerous look of a cat, so unique like his whole body, he could be the worst of sins disguised as an angel and Alec would still worship him from tip to toe. His face looked like an Angel's one and all the times Alec saw Magnus walking down the corridor, Magnus always looked like he was floating. He looked like a feather in another world where the gravity was different from the earth he looked like he came from a completely beautiful world, it was like Magnus had some glow around him that could suddenly change everything to perfection when he was around. His flamboyant style suited him in a way he never saw, he looked like he was the one who created the own fashion and his confidence made everyone believe it. He always user glittery makeup and always had glitter in his hair. He was shiny but it always looked like a part of him, all the glitter and eyeliner he could pull it off in a way that looked like he was born just like that. Everything on him fitted so amazingly that made him look every single time like an angel. Magnus had the type of perfection that could make anyone cry. In addition, While Magnus was that type of perfect Alec was... creepy.
That was the only word that he found suitable to describe him. He wasn't and never would be beautiful or even the charisma Jace and Izzy had. He used to wear large old sweaters with holes in some places just because they made him feel comfortable and invisible sometimes, even if he was aware that he, with his odd fashion sense, walking next to Jace or Izzy used to stick out like a sore thumb. He liked to be the o e no one ever paid attention and his sister and brother looked happy stealing all the looks. Alec was in a comfort zone, even if it was still uncomfortable it was the best he could get. His hair was always messy but it never mattered to him, because he was just ugly. His skin was too much pale, he always had dark circles around his eyes, despite the fact that they were blue, they weren't a pretty blue. It was more like just blue but not very pretty. He used to wear old jeans always washed-out and ripped on the knees sometimes. Alec definitely wasn't pretty, he was weird and he would never know what the hell he was doing there with his gorgeous sister and good looking friend. If Jace ever considered him as a friend, he still had suspicion that Jace was his friend for pity.
Alec got up from the table going away; he needed to be alone. The library was perfect when he needed peace. Even being Jace's and Izzy’s brother he kind of felt like he didn't fit in. He felt that he was there because he had nowhere to go. That they were his friends for obligation above everything else. Izzy cared for him, always saying that he should go to a therapist or something saying that he was too much depressive. But his parents did not believed in that and he never cared at all. Fuck me that was what he always thought.
He used to think about death sometimes, how it would feel to be dying. In fact, he thought about it a lot. Always that he thought about death he always thought about himself and how it would feel like if it was himself dying, how Izzy and Jace would act and also his parents. He used to think if they would cry or not. But when he thought about what he would feel, he couldn't care... To him being dying or alive had no difference at all.
Alec had always wondered why he had to be that way, even his parents looked better than him. If he could, he would fly away from his own skin and find another one with smoother hair, not so pale with a better body and maybe with eyes bluer or shinier. Because his own was too much faded. He wanted be noticeable, he wanted engrave himself in Magnus mind, he wanted to be his dirty dream but he knew that he, with his pale skin and strange fashion sense would never be the dirty dream of anyone, maybe the nightmare, but never the dream.
Moreover, on top of everything it also had Camille, the perfect body angel that always stick around Magnus, they were the perfect couple, physically at least. He knew they used to break up a lot, but always get back together. And she was so much more than he would ever be. She was just as perfect as Magnus. Even with Alec being gay, he could recognize that Camille was beautiful.
Alec shrugged when he saw himself in front of the music room. He never played on the outside, especially in school. He didn't wanted to draw attention, not that kind of. He was too much creepy, he didn't wanted to be the creepy dude who plays a cello that was too much creepiness even for him. But he needed to get away of everything. He opened the door and got in, it was empty, and everyone was enjoying their lunchtime no one would care to go there. He reached a cello in a corner, grabbed the bow sat on an empty chair and tuned the cello. Then he started playing.
The cello for him was like a total different world, he loved the emptiness he felt every time he played it, everything bad he got in his head just flew away being replaced by music. He wasn't the type who allowed to be drowned by the song instead he preferred drawn the song into his own soul. He loved the pitch of the cello and the arrangements he could make. It was the only thing that he enjoyed to do, also the only thing he liked about himself. If anyone asked what he loved the most about himself, his answer would be the cello. Even if it wasn't a real part of his body, but when he played the cello was his whole self. He could forget everything around and even noticing so many imperfections in the way he played, he liked to think it was beautiful. What was creepy again because the only thing he could like in himself wasn't actually anything on him.
He was playing Bach when he heard a whistle and a clack on the door, the fear of be discovered, made him jump off the chair Alec accidentally played tuneless chords that could make anyone shiver in agony, even those who didn’t had an ear for music. When he looked up, Magnus Bane was standing at the door looking at him. “Shit” he said in a low voice, Alec’s mind freaking out because now he was definitely, completely creepy in Magnus mind with no turning back.
“No, just Magnus. Shit is quite offensive.” He said in a cool way. Alec smiled shamefully because obviously, Magnus would be nice. It was Magnus Bane after all. The Asian boy would never be anything less than nice. “Sorry to interrupt your show I just got really surprised. I never knew the pretty boy played pretty songs too. Izabelle should have told me.” Alec's mind stopped working at the first pretty he heard. He froze, his jaw slightly unclenched and he could feel his whole facing burning, his fingers turned cold but his hands were sweating what didn't made sense just as the whole situation.
“Me? Pretty? No” he smiled skeptical about what Magnus said. Magnus smiled back, a flirtatious smile. Alec looked down at the cello between his legs his fingers touching the bow's hair. He couldn't look up, Magnus never really looked at him and the first time he did he was weirder than ever.
“Of course you are! If I say so, you should believe me” Alec saw by the corner of the eyes, him putting a hand on his hips. A smile showed up on his face, but this time was an amused smile. He couldn't remember the last time he smiled of amusement. “Anyway is there any chance you keep playing while I sit here and listen? This would make me fall for you even more than your eyes made me already” Alec looked scared at him, Magnus was sitting on a chair starring him back, his eyes were so shiny when he looked closer and his hair even with spikes all over it seemed smoother than anything.
“Sorry I got to go” Alec said nervously getting up and bluntly letting everything fall, the cello, the bow and the chair he did not know how but he held it before it hit the ground. He heard a chuckle and Alec felt like he could die.
“Sorry…”Magnus said as Alec turned away picking up the cello and the bow. “I came here to ask why you practically ran away when I sat there with your sister. And since I remembered to use deodorant I don't know why you ran away” Alec turned to look at him, his brain was shutting off, what could he answer? “Do you hate me or something?”
“No!” Alec practically yelled slightly scaring Magnus. “Sorry… No… I don't hate you… It was, just, I…” shit he was mumbling. He turned his head relaxing the tension of the strings to put the cello in the case “I wanted to… I needed to empty my head”
“And you come here when you need to empty your head?” He saw Magnus get closer his hands started to tremble.
“No… Usually I go to the library, but today I… wanted to play” he closed his eyes wanting to disappear, now was the part that Magnus would tell him how he was weird.
“Oh! I see… You play wonderfully Alexander…” Hear his own name from those lips was sinful. But how could he say that? He mistaken everything, what he played was far from perfection as everything he did.
“No… I don't… I always do things wrong” He said in a much serious tone than he planned in his head.
“A thank you would be perfectly fine Alexander” Alec turned facing Magnus, he bit his lips putting his hands inside his pockets.
“Sorry… And, thank you.” His head was still down facing his shoes. When he turned his head up he saw Magnus so close, he was perfect. Closer his skin was much more amazing than he had imagined, his lips wore a shiny with a layer of gloss and his eyes were even more pretty looking close.
“Since you learned to say thank you, could you learn to say yes?” Alec frowned again. What kind of question was that?
“What? Uh… Yes…” He said picking his messenger bag, he needed to get away, Magnus probably would realize how strange he was and things would get awkward.
“Great! Since today is Friday, we could meet at Taki’s, eight o’clock.” Magnus said in an excited tone, Alec started to freak out.
“What?!” Alec yelled. What the hell? Did he listened right? THE Magnus Bane wanted a date with him?
“Well I kinda made the question in my own head but… Date? With me? Eight?” And he smiled at the end. Only that smile would make Alec jump in front of a bus for him and he still wanted a date. 'Say no and he will not discover how such an idiot you are and he will still be capable to at least look at you' he thought that among thousands of reasons why Magnus wanted to date him.
“I… Why? You asking me out?” Alec felt his heart race, it was like a dream, his hands were shaking and his legs could stop working anytime.
“That's an awful question pretty boy” His mind shoot off again, he wanted to see what Magnus was seeing on him to say that he was pretty. “Yes I'm asking you out, because I like you.” Alec wasn't capable of processing things anymore his voice died in his throat, his mouth went dry.
“I…” 'Say no' his mind freaked out again 'you can't say yes, you'll never be good enough for him, shit.' “Yes… okay” And Magnus gave him a smile, a beautiful smile just like he was. It made strange things with Alec's stomach where Magnus's smile made his whole face shine. Alec smiled a discrete and shy one but never that much sincere, his whole day never felt so happy, and suddenly he did not felt so creepy anymore.
Alec dressed his best shirt, tried to fix up his hair and Izzy started teasing him with Jace's help. Eventually he told Magnus had asked him on a date at Taki's, Izzy face turned strange and so did Jace's. “Alec you can't go” And Alec lost the gentle smile he didn't noticed he was holding up the whole day. He turned looking at the sad face Izzy made at him “I saw on Facebook, he got back together with Camille today.” That was her answer Jace was serious looking at Izzy his hands twisted in knots ready to hit anything. Alec had a blank expression. “I'm so sorry…” Izzy said and all he could do was to sit in his chair looking at his computer, who was playing a soft Beethoven song.
“It’s fine…” 'See? You should have guessed it was a trick, you should have imagined it because there’s no way Magnus would ever look at you. Ever' “I should have guessed” he felt Izzy’s hand on his shoulders, it felt like a thousand pounds. He really needed to be alone.
“Hey! We should go! I mean all of us. We can sit there, eat until explode and if he shows up we can kick his ass.” Alec shook his head, kick asses was Jace’s answer for everything. However, it wasn’t his.
“No Jace, I’m fine seriously. Could you leave me alone? I’m gonna do some other shit since I'm not going anymore.” He felt Izzy's eyes burn his back as Jace got up taking her away with him. Being a true friend or an obligation friend Jace always knew the right time to leave.
Izzy walked with Jace to the living room, her head was a mess, she only could think one thing… no one could hurt her older brother without have to deal with her. Izzy sighed when she heard a raged cello above, Kodaly sonata op. 8 being play with such perfection and mastery that made her envy for dropping the cello lessons when she was six. But Alec always found defects on everything he did, he just had no idea how amazing he was and how beautiful he was too. But Izzy would help him to notice.
“Hey… Let’s go.” Jace said making Isabelle smile. “What? Do you think I'm going to let it this way? I'm gonna punch him right on the nose and take all his glitter off while I drag him in the asphalt” Izzy just rolled her eyes to Jace's words.
“Despites the fact that in my opinion not everything can be solved with wrists. I’ll help you with this one.” That was all she said before they left, heading to Taki’s.
They weren’t expecting to really find Magnus there, since it was a trick for Alec. It was much more about relieving their own conscious, they were concerned that if Magnus got closer to Alec it was because they allowed it even if they knew about his crush on Magnus, they should have protected him better. They didn’t however, and now guilt was eating up their asses. When they arrived Izzy and much less Jace ain't fully understood why they spotted Magnus there waiting in an empty table when they entered the restaurant. They were hoping that if he would show up, it would be in a heartless cruel joke with Camille in one of her sick games. But he was there alone, which was at least strange. Could she be wrong? Jace looked at her shrugging “I swear I saw an update of their relationship status today.” Izzy said while they walked over the table where he was sit.
Jace headed up sitting uninvited at the table, right across Magnus who had a perfected styled hair with a purple streak in the forehead, which matched his pure silk shirt. Izzy forced herself to stop to admire his fashion sense. Alec could renegade the Lightwood blood knowing nothing about fashion but, he claimed it back when the talking subject changed to crushes. She gave a small naughty smile. Her brother knew shits. The funny thing was the fact that he could make the whole New York gay community his bitch because he had all the necessary genes to be called fucking hot and was a musician on top; a thing that everyone thought it was sexy. Instead, he was busy pinning over a half-Asian boy who much probably played a disgusting trick over him. She turned serious filling her look with hate towards Magnus who happened to be frenetically typing on the cellphone. He looked over at Jace feeling the very much hostile presence closer him and at Izzy who was now taking a sit right next to the blond man. Magnus sighed.
“Where's Alexander?” Magnus straightened up on his chair looking at them.
“I make the questions here.” Jace said his face was serious, he surely felt like in one of those cops TV series playing the badass guy. Magnus shrugged signing he could ask. “You got back with Camille... Why you asked him out?”
Magnus bit his lip looking at the exit door at the same time Izzy moved her chair blocking the view. “You can leave when you answer us” Magnus sighed as he heard what she said.
“We had broken up but I really liked Camille even if sometimes she is a total bitch. Well... I went to talk to her. Camille likes to play with feelings and people.” He looked at Jace, his eyes were furious, he looked at Izzy and saw no emotion, and she was staring at him as if he was nothing but a piece of trash. Magnus swallowed feeling like crap. “She said we could go back together, but only if I brought Alexander here as a date…” Now he saw anger fulfill Isabelle's look too. “I don't even knew he was your brother, he is kind of invisible at school if you ask me.”
“That's why you got closer to me the past few days?” Izzy said, her jaw clenching.
“In my defense, I really appreciate your friendship. But… Yeah…” Magnus really, really felt like crap now. He wanted to go down on his knees and beg for sorry, but he had a feeling that even he doing this they would not forgive him.
“Fuck you Magnus! Jace you can punch him now” Izzy crossed her arms leaning against her chair. She had an upset face and Magnus thought that maybe he deserved a punch, but he would never let anyone hurt his wonderful face without fighting. Jace got up ready to hit him.
“Wait! I'm not done! Wait for me to finish…” He sighed when Jace sat back on his chair. Izzy looked furious but managed to say Fine before he continued.
“Anyway… As I was saying, I needed to bring him here as a date because it was Camille's condition… I never noticed Alec liked me. As I said, he was quite invisible. But Camille did noticed and she wanted to play with it, I really didn't care because I’ve never saw him and I must say he have an awful fashion sense.” He stopped when heard Jace groan in anger. “Sorry” Magnus cleared his throat “As I was saying I agreed. That's why I’ve made friendship with you Isabelle.” He said looking her right in the eyes. Izzy just rolled her eyes without even looking back at him. Magnus gave a sad sigh. “But I really enjoyed your friendship, a lot. You're amazing… Then I saw Alexander. He have such pretty blue eyes, with the right cloth he could be perfect. Getting back to the point I went to talk to him, he was playing cello and, I might add, he plays really good, like a cello god. I don't know, maybe he could be better looking without that sweaters… I like his messy hair, is definitely sexy…”
“Magnus!!!” Izzy yelled at him. He looked scared at her and Jace had a smile playing on his face.
“You're mumbling…” Was all that Jace said, Magnus gave small fake coughs and focused his thoughts.
“I must say again how’s amazing to watch him play” Izzy nodded her head in agreement “So I asked him out, it was the cutest thing ever, he got all clumsy and red and… Ok, straight to the point. Got it. He said yes, I went running back to Camille, stupid me I must say, she got all happy and cute, I really thought I’d done the right thing. She updated our status on Facebook and everything but later I found out that her plan was to come to Taki's with me as a couple and when Alexander arrived he would find us together…” Isabelle's jaw felt open. She wasn't that all surprised with Camille's attitude. She was surprised with Magnus' because she knew he was a kindhearted person down deep but that girl was changing his insides inch by inch, she wanted to screw at him, make him see how she wanted to turn him into an awful person but she blinded Magnus. She gave a sad smile towards the boy and kept listening. "I just couldn't do that, first because it was really, really wrong what Camille wanted to do, second because she… we… would really hurt Alexander and I didn't wanted to hurt him and third because he is really cute and probably don't deserve that.”
Izzy nodded happy that at least Magnus didn't went all the way down. But Jace still looked pissed, she knew how much he cared about Alec, hearing that must have sound like Magnus were planning to stab a knife down Alec's throat. Sometimes, she envied their connection. It was like a bond flowing in a superior cosmos, enlacing them in something stronger than brothers. They could both kill and die for each other and even if Alec had doubts about Jace , she knew that in deep, he hadn’t doubts that it was just unfounded thoughts. At moments of jealousy, what comforted her was to know that they also could kill and die for her.
“Can I still punch him?” Jace narrowed his eyes at Magnus who looked startled to Jace. His hands were tight closed, just ready to punch him hard in a really painful way.
“What? No! I didn't do anything wrong!” He knew he did something very wrong, but he was convinced enough that he had fixed up his mistake.
“But you thought about it, you got closer to him just wanting Camille to be back and just to know this would kill Alec and yeah… He don't deserve it.” Jace said, his eyes shooting invisible lasers at him. Magnus just looked at his lap.
He have never felt guiltier. “Just to finish, I told Camille I wouldn't do that, we broke up she ran out again, and right now I feel like shit because I really don't want to hurt Alec, I came alone thinking that maybe we could still have a nice date” Jace laughed ironically.
“Now you want a date?” Magnus shivered when Jace looked really angry at him “try to have one now Magnus, he's really sad at home, locked up in his room playing some classical shit. Because right now he feels like crap because you played with him. You think Camille is bad? You're worse because it will be your face that he will remember every time he records what she'd done” Magnus bit his lip wanting to dig a way to China and never come back to face them.
“Hey you could anyway try to beg for sorry. Alec being who he was probably would apologize you.” Izzy said in a much softener voice.
“Would he really do that?” His heart filling up with hope. He had to be honest to himself, he really enjoyed Alexander and maybe he really was sweet.
“Yes, but if you hurt him again you'll never come closer, because I'll never let you.” Magnus looked at Izzy thanking her with his puppy eyes. “Don't ask me for help, you will have to do that alone” And just as they came they left. Magnus sighed leaning against his chair.
Magnus practically ran behind Alec the whole week at school. He never thought someone could be so good at avoiding people because the whole week Magnus didn't saw him for once. That was when he freaked out and went to Izzy. “Where's he? I've been trying to find him the whole week and haven't seen him even once…”
His shoulders lost a little of their closure when Izzy bit her lips sighing. “You'll not find him here… he got into college”
Magnus felt terrible, he needed to talk to him “What do you mean college? He’s not graduated yet…”
“Well… He always was a good student he had enough credits to graduate, applied to Juilliard few months ago, and received the results like last week... He got in.” Magnus didn't knew what to think.
“Juilliard? That's… Wow… seriously?” Izzy nodded her head.
“Yeah… I got like this too, he called them asking if it was a mistake. He just don't get how amazing he is” Magnus sat right next to Izzy.
“But… How can I talk to him now?” Magnus looked briefly to Jace he had a worried face.
“Not gonna happen…” Jace said and Izzy didn't moved “I've never seen Alec so happy in a really long time Magnus, and I'm not goin’ let you ruin that. He always used to say how he was creepy and weird and for a long time I haven't seen him so comfortable with himself, you're not get closer to him to ruin his joy.” Magnus felt like if a wall hit him, right on his face.
“I just wanted to say sorry” Magnus couldn't believe in what was happening he really had hoped to ask Alec for sorry and maybe have a proper date with him. "I'm not a fucking disease." He expressed in a harsh way some of his anger.
“I know. But you hurt him, don't worry I'll pass him your feelings” Jace's words were cold, that really wounded him. He felt like he wasn't worthy of talk to him. He felt like garbage.
Izzy stayed still just listening them both. “Magnus I'm sorry… We want what's best for Alec. He finally started forget the shitty thing you’ve done… he's so happy with Juilliard and everything. We really don't want you to ruin his happiness, so please… If you consider him in any way... back off.” With Izzy's words, all he could do was to get up and leave. He didn't knew how to classify what he was feeling but it was kinda like being destroyed.
That was the first time Magnus felt destroyed because of Alexander Gideon Lightwood. And ended up hurting him back in his own stupidity.
Eventually, he followed his life because that's what people do, the high school ended with Camille trying to get back together with him in the prom ceremony, but when he looked at her, he felt nothing but disgust. So many years have passed, he was already studying in medical school and a few more years he would be a doctor, he felt happy, proud of himself. It was a long way until where he was getting and sometimes he used to go back in time, remembering how childish and fool he was. Some of his memories were clearer than other ones. The image of Alexander never left his mind for some reason, maybe because he was the chess piece who made him change for better, backing him off Camille and showing him, unintentionally, what kind of poisonous friends his inner circle was made of. He changed so much due to him, he was the trigger who made him a better person.
However, when he stopped to think of which good he had made to the raven-haired boy, a pair of sad blue eyes popped up on his mind like a reminder of anything... He had done anything good for Alexander. Now being more grown up he couldn't realize how he did not noticed the sadness on the bluest eyes he had ever seen in his whole life. He lost contact with Isabelle and Jace, each one followed their own path. Every time he had that memory so vivid, like it had been burned behind his eyelids, he used to question himself what if he had noticed? What if he had noticed that Alexander Lightwood was an amazing person who was inside a flowing river of sadness trying desperately to catch a breath of happiness? Could have he changed something? Magnus never thought much about it. He knew, more than anyone that scatter through the ashes of the past was a dangerous thing, you could bring back time that you shouldn't or going back in things who cold trap you down. Idealize the past was as dangerous as idealize the future. Both can break you with pain and disappointments respectively.
He heard a few time ago about Izzy being also studying at medical school and Jace surprisingly was at law school. As Magnus used to say, you need to break some laws to understand them. If that were true Jace would, probably, turn an exceptional lawyer. He never heard about Alexander after high school, even after it, he kept the good job of being invisible.
That was until one eventful day. He was leaving his loft to go to the bakery on the corner and a fat grayish cat practically ran over him trying to get away from someone. Magnus as being a cat person was smarter and grabbed the fat fur ball. His necklace tinkling and drawing Magnus attention as he tried to escape from his hold, the metal plate signed Church. Magnus smiled amusedly to himself, who would call a cat Church? He couldn't say much because his own cat was called Chairman Meow.
“Oh god… Shit, you got him. Thank you” Magnus froze with that voice, he looked at the man who was in front of him, he had his hands on his knees one of them held an open cage, his head full of a completely messy black hair was down. He was trying to catch his breath and Magnus swallowed seeing a cello case at his back. “Thank you so much, I'm goin’ kill my sister for make me bring this small demon to the veterinarian” And then, he lifted up and Magnus got surprised to see how Alexander had changed. His hair was messy but not hiding his eyes anymore, who were more shiny than he could remember, he was wearing a wonderful blue t-shirt who made a miracle on him, hugging his torso just on the right places and his jeans were sexily ripped on one of his knees. Magnus almost could feel a drool running down his chin.
He saw Alec frown. “Magnus?” He could only think profanes thoughts, his name on those pink lips were a sin who had to be forbid. He probably should have put more glitter on if he was supposed to meet Alexander. That maybe he should stop staring to those biceps, which happened to show as a hard task to do.
“That's me” He smiled on the dirtiest way he could but it turned out against him. Because the smile Alexander gave him back could be the great star of his dirtiest dream, he could have an orgasm with that single smile and desire it more every day. Sinful was the right word to define.
“Oh long time no see” The smile kept playing on each other’s lips, like a battle of who could do it better and Magnus couldn’t deny… He liked it.
“Yeah…” He was the one who cut it off thinking that it would be no good to keep analyzing the boy. His smile turned softer and his eyes focused on the blues instead of his sexy arms or mouth. He handed the cat back to Alec in a flourish way avoiding scratches.
“Lucky you I got him” And Alec smiled in a way that caught Magnus breath. It wasn’t fake like the first one, it wasn’t trying to prove anything to him, it wasn’t trying to show he could also give dirty smiles. It was pure, and sincere. It was the most beautiful smile he ever saw and the fact that he realized he could do anything to see that smile show again in those lips scared him enough.
“Yeah, how can such a fat thing run this much? And how did he opened this shit?” Magnus smiled sweetly watching Alexander put the cat back on the cage. “I still want to kill Izzy for make me bring you” He mumbled to the cat making Magnus feel amused. When he was done, his blue eyes turned to Magnus, who was still smiling like an idiot “Well, thank you very much. It was good to see you” His smile died like a bird who crashes in a window, that’s how he felt precisely. The terrifying idea of never see the Alexander again taking over his mind.
“Wait! Why don't we come up? I’ve just made some coffee I really wanted to get notices from Isabelle.” That was his excuse and at first he thought it was a good one. But his hope died when Alec turned serious.
“Hn… I don't think it's going to happen. I can give you her phone anyway.” And he said taking a cellphone off of his pocket. Magnus had never got dumped in such a plain and simple way. It hurt. He got Izzy's number anyway and Alec was already leaving again. That was when Magnus threw all his dignity right into the trash.
“I wanted to talk to you too… Could we come up?”
“Like I said… Not going to happen. But whatever you want to talk, I can listen here” It was all it took to Magnus feel wordless.
“I… always wanted to say sorry for that time” The better he could out it wasn’t ever half of what he wanted to say. He looked at Alec analyzing him, he saw a glimpse of sadness show up on his face but suddenly it was back to a neutral one.
“It's fine, like Jace always say shit happens” Magnus didn't know to tell if the shit was the whole situation or if it was him. Magnus looked at him pain filing his eyes, he knew deserved that one, but know it, didn’t made it nicer to hear it. “I really should go. See you around someday”
“No, Alexander wait!” He grabbed Alec's wrist and he saw his face change, now to an angry one.
“Could you please do not touch me?” Magnus let go of his wrist slowly, he was expecting Alexander to not turn away and just leave. “What do you want Magnus? If you want my apologies, you have them. No heart feelings. But I'll never forget what happened.”
Magnus did not knew what to say. He opened his mouth and closed it like fish out of water. The words running through his head but he couldn't find the right ones. Maybe there wasn't. “I'm so much sorry. I just… If even I can't forgive myself for what I've done I totally understand if you can't too” He saw Alec change his weight from one leg to another.
“I've said it's fine… I moved on that's all”
“So if it's fine please come up with me? Have nice chat and a good coffee? If you said it’s fine, please, come up with me. Allow me to change the horrible idea you have about my fabulous self.” Magnus knew what he said was tricky but he saw no other way to do it. He felt his chances get higher as he said the last part and an amused and small smile grew up on those lips, Alec sighed.
“Fine” Magnus smiled leading Alexander to his loft.
“So… Juilliard huh?” He said pouring hot black coffee for Alec.
“Yeah, I'm already taking my master of music but is really hard to conciliate with the trips.” Magnus smiled happily looking at Alec
“Yeah I’ve never thought I would get so many invitations to play in orchestras”
“Your parents must be very proud.” Alec shrugged.
“Not really. Dad is a lawyer, he wanted me to be as him, and I guess he hates it. He keep saying musicians have no future and money. Mom put Izzy and me on the cello classes when we were kids because of status, she thought we would quit after two or three months… Izzy quitted on first year, me? Nah… So she just accepted it” Magnus smiled, he was amazed by Alec. He changed in a beautifully way and he was feeling like crap again because he had the chance to be with him and he was stupid enough to lose it. “What about you?” He asked drinking his coffee. His cello was reclining against the entrance door wall, Church was really enjoying his new spot on the sofa and Chairman Meow was staring the gray cat, far away from him. It looked almost domestic except it weren’t.
“Well there's not much to tell. I studied really hard on the last year to get a good gpa at the exams, I got in pre medical school and here I am. Almost a doctor, and hopefully with too much effort neurologist someday.” Alec raised an eyebrow.
“Brains? Seriously? Izzy want to be a pathologist… That is definitely disgusting, brains and dead corpses.” Magnus laughed.
“Isabelle? Doesn't look like her.”
“People change” Magnus got serious looking right into Alec's eyes, he stared back.
“Yeah they do” He smiled, analyzing the pretty face.
“It’s funny when we were younger I barely could look you in the eyes. I felt so deep for you. I thought everything in you was pure perfection from tip to toe.” Alec said in a casual way. Magnus got serious not knowing where that conversation would lead. But he also felt surprised watching Alexander getting that out of his system in such a plain way “I thought you were an angel the first time I saw you.” The ironic smile at the end of the sentence turned Magnus belly upside down his guts getting colder with anxiety of what would come from that.
“What changed?” He asked carefully, fearing the answer.
“I grew up” Alec’s answer was simple but Magnus felt his heart break and sunk. “Someday you need to stop being so childish” And Magnus felt terrible He wanted so badly to ask if the only reason Alec like him it was because he was being childish, but he kept on silence. “Someday you just stop being dumb. I felt in love for someone I didn't even knew and when I knew who I was in love, this person totally broke my heart because I was expecting someone completely different. Is like expect a butterfly and meet a larva.” Magnus breathed deeply.
“But larva do turn into butterflies” He leaned closer. The blue eyes were so more beautiful watching from a closer look.
“I’m not sure if they all do.” Magnus sighed when Alec leaned back on his chair getting distance from him.
“Try me Alexander. Give me a chance, just one… I promise you won't regret” The boy looked down to his lap, avoiding staring the golden greenish eyes. He looked like he was thinking. Magnus felt hope.
“I don't think I can give you this chance. We are too much different. And if people do change... I barely know you. I didn't knew you before and know even less now.” He said avoiding the eyes who terrified him on high school. Magnus smiled leaning closer to Alec.
He saw the pale cheeks turn slightly red, and his own breath got deeper. He moved touching Alec's round chin lifting up his face. The blue eyes looked straight at him with so confused emotions that Magnus felt almost bad for the boy. Then they kissed. It was clumsy at the beginning as if Alec was refusing to act or enjoy it. But Magnus was patient and a few seconds later he felt warm arms surrounding his shoulders as Alec opened his mouth. Magnus brain turned into jelly as his blood ran down to a place it should not have ran. He frowned among the kiss, how could he get turned on so fast? He felt Alexander arms going down hugging his hips as his fingers moved slightly under his shirt. He pulled the boy closer making Alexander move from his chair to his lap. The new contact sending shivers through his spine. He felt desperate, he didn't wanted to scare Alec, he didn't want to lose his only chance to know Alexander better, because he was sure he was as amazing as he had it in his mind. Maybe he already felt in love the moment he saw the bluest eyes ever.
He noticed the kiss slowly die as their need to get more air increased. They split their mouths Magnus fingers were caressing the black hair next his nape and his thumbs were softly touching his neck. Alec was barely touching Magnus skin just above his pants and Magnus felt so hot. He whispered Alexander’s name and they kissed again.
He tried to have control, he wanted so bad to slow down things a bit, ask the boy for a proper date, but Alexander didn't looked willingly to stop, neither looked like it would wait for a date before sex. And Magnus couldn't help, he had Alexander above him, touching him in ways he did not expected and he was human.
Magnus lead him to his bedroom, he was sure they broke one or two of his decoration stuff on the way, they didn’t stopped kissing for a single moment. Alexander didn't said much. They didn't exchanged love declarations and Magnus really wanted it to be less carnal. It was when he realized that Alec was much more he ever expected. The idea scared him a little bit, because his feelings always used to grow too fast and he had many heartbreaks in his short life. Alexander Lightwood wasn't anyone, he realized just that moment that the boy carried so much power over his heart without even know it. It was a dangerous game to play, but it made his heart feel warm as much it made him feel loved. Those feelings blurred his mind getting the chance to dig a deeper way into his heart, not even giving a single chance to Magnus build a wall for his own protection, they planted themselves there, in a way they could only grow.
His mind got completely and undeniable lost when Alec bit his neck and started to unbutton his shirt. The whole moment he felt in cloud nine whispering sweet words and listening the prettiest moans he ever heard. He couldn't remember a single time he felt that good with a single person of his extended nightstands list. He hugged Alexander feeling how incredible it was to have his own scent on the other man’s neck. They slept that way and Magnus smiled feeling so happy when he cuddled with him, just thinking he could easily get use to that and how perfectly they fitted in each other arms. He imagined things would finally get better, that maybe Alexander Lightwood would not break his heart after all.
When he woke up Alec wasn't there with him. He ran through his loft not seeing church at his spot on the couch and the cello case was no more leaning against the wall. His eyes felt wet as his vision got blurry, his nose started to itch. No note was left for him, not even an excuse, no telephone number left there too. Magnus felt like everything was just a strange realistic dream, he felt broken again. The first of many tears who would follow felt down. He thought he was going crazy, that everything was an illusion of his desires to settle down. Going back to his bedroom he noticed a small blank paper next his make up desk. With a heart giving loops and a thousand possible date plans running through his mind he picked it up seeing a pretty and lopsided calligraphy, the more he read it, more his heart sunk.
'One of your night stands passed by, you were sleeping, so I answered it. Basically, he told me you're not the compromising type but more the parties and fuck type. He called me number one hundred or something like that. You play around a lot uh? Hope the sex was good, I really thought you were being, for once, serious about what you said. Congrats for fooling me again.'
Magnus read it again and again, he lost the count of how many times he have read the paper and after some time, fresh new tears felt against the small paper who broke his heart is smaller pieces. It might be true that he used to get laid a lot. But Alexander was far from to be the one hundred, he wasn't any of them, he was much more. For the second time, Magnus ended up hurting him without wanting it and ended up getting also hurt. He wanted to explain, he wanted to look at the most beautiful eyes he'd ever seen and say how much he cared about him and how much he wanted to know him better, to just be by his side. He needed to say all the sickening love plans he had. Because he knew, the moment they crossed eyes with each other, that Alexander would never deserve bad things and it would be more than nice to be by his side. After that day, he was sure destiny had in fact planned more for them than this eventful encounter.
At each passing day, he looked after Alexander with more effort, to a point that it was as if his life was depending on it. He went to Juilliard only to hear that he was in a trip to Paris playing there as an invitation, he as felt happy for him as he felt wrecked for himself. He never had felt so broken in his life for other reasons than Alexander.
At one point, his medical school took away all his time slowly his life became his studies and nothing else. Every time he could, he used to try to find Alexander but when it wasn’t Paris it was Spain, London, Germany... When he finally got a cellphone number from Juilliard administration he could barely believe it, he called putting all his faith on that one chance. His words ready to explain everything who passed through his mind all those years. He wanted to make Alec understand, he needed him to, he needed him. When Alec answered Magnus spoke no more than a hello and Alec turned off, never answering his calls again all his hopes, half crushed. He tried to meet him, but Alec was no more than exceptional at avoiding. When he saw his orchestra was about to do a show at Carnegie Hall he decided to take that as one last shot.
Magnus never felt more amazed, he never saw anyone play with so much passion. When Alec played, it was as if he was showing his whole soul to anyone see he opened up his whole self with a single touch of his bow into the strings, it was a beautiful soul, an angel's one. The whole concert he barely breathed or blinked, afraid to lose a single fraction of second of the perfection who was unraveling in front of his eyes. Magnus barely got scared while in the middle the presentation he realized he felt deeply in love, deeper than any other time in his life because even the explanation for that, was simple. It was impossible not to fall in love with Alexander Lightwood, probably Magnus was one among a thousand of other people who also loved him and desired him. But, he couldn't get sad or even jealous at the thought because he knew the universe had made Alexander only for him, he was everything and much more he ever asked for.
In the end of the show he saw Alec smile in a beautiful way to a blonde violinist who was part of the orchestra, she smiled back and Magnus felt his heart ache not so sure anymore if the universe wanted them both together. The way she looked at him, it was the same way Magnus also looked at, but what broke his heart the most, in a way he was certain it wasn't mendable anymore, was the fact that Alec looked back at her, not at him. He left that day without even try to speak with him, probably he would never be forgiven for what happened. The one thing he wished more than anything in life was Alexander’s happiness and he looked happy enough to make Magnus leave, still wrecked but not concerned about sad blue eyes anymore.
That day, as he walked on the street looking for a cab to go back home. As he felt completely destroyed, Catarina's, his doctor friend, words echoed in his head fighting and screaming at him, screaming that it couldn't have ended in any other possible way because he had the bad habit of always to fall without parachutes or defenses, always for charming people who would always break him apart in the end. Magnus had already had his fair share of heartbreaks to know that there wasn't any possible comeback this time, just because he knew Alexander Lightwood was one of those who people called the love of a lifetime. Alec was his, he was his sweet only one and it was heart aching enough to know it was a unilateral feeling. He couldn't bear the thought that Alec also hated him for all his stupid mistakes. A single tear felt that day freezing middle air in the cold of the streets of December night as a single thought ran over and over again in his mind... maybe he deserved it.
Magnus knew he couldn't blame a random fuck for his own attitudes and couldn't blame Alexander for not hearing his explanations. He knew that Alec was the only one that could break and mend his heart endlessly and that he would always have an open soul for the boy. With a bitter thought Magnus finally concluded that life was a funny thing, there are people who have so much power over you that you can do nothing but to crumble over that knowledge, no defenses ever work, the strongest ones blow away with a single smile of the right one. Alexander was one of those, and now he was crumbled among pain and grief.
That was the second time he felt destroyed but he was sure it was also the second time he broke Alec's heart.
The third time that Magnus felt destroyed, it was the worst of them all and the one he wasn’t even slightly responsible for it, but it was the time Alexander most needed him. It happened six years after he saw a young, happy and full of dreams boy running towards him, with a cello on his back and a pair of shinning blue eyes, thanking him for have grabbed the cat. It was also another four years after he watched the same brilliant young musician playing in the most amazing and beautiful way he could ever had imagined.
The worst day of his life was supposed to be an ordinary day at his job who became the most devastating that he could have thought.
His love life was practically stagnated, the meaningless sex with nightstands stopped being so attractive long ago, and even if the nurses or other doctors always showed up interest, he couldn't find anyone who was capable of unlock something on him the way Alexander once did. After the last time he saw Alexander until point he was now, he changed completely. He still flirted and laughed, he had tried to date for some time, but he had high stands. He liked people with jet-black hair, strikingly blue eyes, preferably, who played some sort of instrument. He met a young man called Elias, he almost thought he could move on, even because he didn’t resembled Alec in a single bit aspect unless he also played. An old strange instrument called charango with Magnus tried but had no talent for it. For a brief moment, he thought he would finally find his place. However, Elias left just the way he came, like a warming summer love not very reliable.
He also met the charming Will Herondale. A young man who fulfilled all the high-stands who made Magnus fell with a single look. Magnus fell for it like a fly easily fall in a well-architected cobweb and Will knew how good looking he was, he flirted and joked around using it at his favor and Magnus never got tired of it. They never even kissed, but he wanted to see Will happy and tried hard for it. What was left of his heart couldn’t be breakable anymore, it was already turned to sand due to Alexander’s comebacks. So, the day Will arrived at his loft asking him to be introduced to his friend Tessa Gray, Magnus smiled in amusement and settled up an encounter for them both. He blessed their union in his very broken heart and cried a little bit at their wedding, but of joy for them.
At least he couldn't complain about his professional life, his routine was pretty good at the point he finally managed to become a neurologist, he had accomplished his dream since he first entered medical school and he was endlessly happy with his chosen career, even if it were bad days at it. When Magnus looked back, some years ago, he couldn't have imagined himself being where he was, he knew what he wanted to be, he just couldn't imagine how successful he would get. At the same time he was thankful for all his accomplishments, he knew it wasn't just fate. All the effort, sleepless nights, how hard he worked… The results, at the end, came in a proportional way.
However, that day… the day his heart most felt broken if it was even possible. He wished to be anything else except a doctor. He arrived at the hospital and a nurse told a car accident victim woke up of a six months coma, he was supposed to analyze the brain damage the patient got from the accident. It wasn't very common since people used to wake of comas in the firsts months. Nevertheless, he knew how he shouldn't question miraculous events that happened in a daily basis around the world. He had seen many unlikely things in his life as a doctor, he just came to the conclusion that there was things above science understating that couldn't still be answered.
He got the patient profile but was busy signing papers and analyzing other exams that made him completely forget about it, he ended up didn't even looking at it. He did not looked at the profile until Alexander Gideon Lightwood entered his room, brought in a wheelchair by a nurse. Magnus world felt apart. He didn't saw that coming from any possible direction. He excused them both and got up heading to the bathroom, his head could only think why would someone hurt his Alexander and why it had to be Alexander. How many times their path would cross among disasters? He only noticed he was crying in frustration when he looked his image reflected in the mirror. Wiping the tears and making the soft layer of make up again he managed to make unnoticeable the fact that he cried. He took a deep breath gathering all his willpower and heading back to his office facing a sad and lost Alexander laid on the hospital bed.
Magnus sighed. Alec wanting or don’t, he would need Magnus’ help more than ever. “Can you feel your legs?” Magnus asked giving a pinprick next his ankles. Magnus was not a prayer, he did not went to church. Sometimes, when good things happened, he used to thank some God that he wasn’t sure if it was real. But, in the few fractions of second the small pinprick lasted, Magnus prayed to any God who could listen for a single movement, any signal of pain. He prayed like the most fervent believer for anything. Alec did not answered. “Alexander… Let me help you… Please answer me. I swear I'm gonna do everything I can to help you, but I'm going to need your help too.” Magnus sighed pinpricking his ankles again “can you feel it?” He felt like dying when a tear felt from the prettiest eyes he ever looked at. “Hey… Please don't cry. We're going to figure out something, I promise”
“Figure out what? I can't move my fingers, I can't move my arms. I can't move shit below my shoulders… I'm dead” Another tear rolled on his cheeks as he said everything with the most shattered voice Magnus ever heard. He felt his throat dry, his eyes burned but he refused to cry. “Why I didn't died? Anything it's better than this” Alec's voice was as dead as the blue eyes looked to be. Alexander was the only one who could mend and broke his heart endlessly… He was doing just that, breaking sand pieces into smaller ones at each tear who felt, irreparable pieces shattering repeatedly. He sighed moving to face Alec's eyes. The man turned his head refusing to look at the gold green eyes. Magnus never felt as lost as he did that day.
“Alexander… You're alive. That's what matters. You got another chance and I promise you. I'll make everything that I can to make you happy.” Magnus sighed when Alec didn't answered him.
“You call this a second chance?” His voice was bitter like venom had spread through his whole angelic self. Magnus said nothing in response his boy was too pure to become that bitter, he couldn't allow it.
He asked for all exams he could, he was begging for a way out, he as a doctor knew what to do, knew the chances of recovery, knew how low they were. As a person, he had no idea what to do. He couldn’t decide if he wanted to curl on a ball or scream his rage to the universe. Isabelle went there the same second she was capable to leave her job. Jace came on her heels. Magnus saw she hugging Alec and crying like a baby, he never imagined that Isabelle, being strong as she was, could cry so much. Alec said nothing, his face was like a blank paper. He finally talked when Jace hugged him saying how much he got worried and thought that Alec would never wake up. His voice was hoarse and bitter “I should have remained in coma”
Magnus twisted his lips, Izzy started to cry again and Jace turned out into a completely raged face “How can you say this Alec?” Jace yelled losing control of his voice. “Do you have any idea of how we felt? Six fucking months, we spent six fucking months without knowing if you would get out of this situation, and you say such a thing?” Magnus got worried with Alec, Jace was holding the arms of his wheelchair so tightly that his fingers turned white, his face was red with anger. Alec showed no emotion to his words. Izzy moved touching Jace shoulders. He moved his head towards her hugging the woman and Magnus for the first and single time in his life saw Jace Wayland cry.
Magnus felt that was his time to get into scene, he walked towards Alec placing a hand on his shoulder. Izzy moved undoing Jace's hug, she looked slightly surprised watching him there. He gave a reassuring smile at them both, Jace wiped his tears also surprised seeing the high school Half-Asian kid he wanted so much to beat up, standing there beside his brother. Magnus gave a reassuring smile.
“Give him some time, Alexander just woke up of a coma and just received a shocking notice. Is perfectly normal his lack of acceptance” Magnus turned his eyes to Alec as he heard him sight.
“I don't need time. I need to have my life back. Can you give me that? Tell me Magnus! Can you do it?” He felt so much anger flowing from the boy. Magnus only knew this was going to be complicated. But didn't matter how hard, he was not planning to allow Alec to become wicked, resentful. No, he wanted Alexander never to change and he would do it, he would make him happy no matter what.
“I need to see the exams first Alexander. And I need your cooperation too.” Izzy and Jace frowned clearly they weren't understanding anything, Magnus head lighted up. Of course, it was the first time they talked to Alec after the accident… They didn't knew yet.
“Magnus… what's going on?” Jace’s voice had fear and worry on it. He signed to them turning to face Alec.
“I need to talk to them I’ll call a nurse to keep you company.”
“I'm not a baby”
“I know” Magnus smiled touching the black hair who was slightly bigger than normal.
He signed to Isabelle and Jace to follow him to his office. When they all settled down and stared at him Magnus saw no subtle way to drop the bomb.
“Alexander had a serious injury in his spinal cord C5 and C6.” Ne saw Izzy whisper a ‘no’ and Jace looked confused. Magnus looked at him breathing deeply “It means he is quadriplegic” then he saw Jace's face change to a totally lost one. “We still are not sure of the damages extensions he need to make more exams. However, commonly who have this type of injury can move the arms and elbows, maybe they do bend the wrists. It will depend of Alexander efforts to get off this situation and the damage extensions. He's strong, I'm sure he can do it. He's breathing fine so, for now a tracheotomy is out of the way at least not until we see how damaged he is. If he develop any breathing problem from now we take him to the surgery” Izzy's face was lost, her eyes were faded and her jaw unclenched it was easy see through her that she had thousands of thoughts running over her head.
“Will he walk again? Play again?” Jace asked with a broken voice.
“I need to know the real extension of the damages and he need to work hard to get over it. I asked earlier if he could try to move his elbows but he couldn't… However, I don't know if he really tried. Alexander is shocked and angry… He needs his family now more than ever.” He saw Izzy wiping her tears and nodding her head, she smiled sadly trying to look strong. Didn't worked very much.
“Can we talk to him again? He'll need a physiotherapist. I'll take care of him” Magnus sighed nodding at Izzy.
“I know it's not the proper moment. But… May I ask you what happened?” Magnus saw sadness in their eyes.
“Well... He and his friend, Lydia were invited to play at Venice. They got so excited about it, the orchard was famous they went out to celebrate. I was trapped studying was trying to get into NYPD at the time and Jace couldn’t either. All I know is that they left to a bar, drank some beers and threw away some talk. When they left, they hit another car, it was a couple coming back from a party, both were drunk. Lydia had some alcohol at her system but not much. She was the driver. It was confirmed that the other driver slept and you know…” Izzy stopped to catch a breath. She was crying again. “I don't know if Lydia slept too, probably yes, she couldn't remember much, she just said Alec slept soon they entered at the car and started driving it was all she could remember. The police told the other car was running a lot, they got totally destroyed and the couple died instantly. All the rescuers said Lydia and Alec were a miracle, especially Alec. She got in coma too but woke up after a few weeks, she's perfectly fine but blame herself a lot. It seems the car needed check up but she was saving money, only her air bag worked. She used to come here to see Alec. But few months after the accident she moved to England with her fiancé. She will get totally destroyed when she hear about him...” Magnus was astonished; he really did not knew what to think. Jace kept in silence.
“You can go to see him again, we didn't knew he got quadriplegic before he woke up because there was no broken bones at his spine, just his spinal cord was injured... I really hope he'll be able to move again but to be frantic… It doesn't happen a lot, I don't think he'll get completely recovered…” A part of himself died as he said that. As a professional, he needed to say the truth, as a person who loved the boy who was now in trouble... he was begging for a miracle. “There are hope however... With enough physiotherapy and if the injury is not that bad... But in another possibility, if it is that bad... his chances of totally get back to normal are incredibly low. Don't tell him yet, He needs to try, he needs hope and I believe that the cello can do just that. So, for anything that the exams tell he still have to try.” Jace nodded his head, his eyes were wet. He got up leaving Magnus room.
Magnus breathed deeply, Izzy had wet eyes and tears marks on her cheeks but was staring firmly at him.
“Magnus… I really appreciate that you've been taking care of my brother. But I think that will be no good for him you taking care of him… We still remember what happened, and I believe you’ve changed but I don't want to test Alec's scars. Not now” Magnus leaned against his chair. Despite how cozy it was, he was feeling completely uncomfortable, his world was spinning. Things were happening too fast and his dearest Alec wasn't fine.
“I understand Isabelle. But I really do believe that are unsolved subjects between me and your brother.” Isabelle frowned.
“It might be, but years have passed. I don't want you to open old wounds, not now...” Magnus smiled subtly.
“I don't believe he told you Isabelle. But after high school I've met Alexander.” He paused watching Isabelle's face turn into a surprised expression. “Well it was really an uncommon event, he was taking a cat that I believe being yours to the veterinarian, the cat ran away, I got him and we met. Totally like a movie.” He smiled, her face was blank, jaw slightly unclenched. “We went to my loft had small chat and good coffee. Later an amazing sex I must say.” Magnus told that like he was talking about weather Isabelle looked really surprised and also ashamed. “Some night stand passed by probably to yell at me and Alec answered, I was sleeping. Long story short everything was a disaster and I tried to talk to him but he never wanted to listen.” He saw Izzy smile sadly. “I really like your brother Isabelle, I just wanted to make him realize that we have so much unfinished business. I'll not allow you and Jace to take him away this time.” She wiped a tear he breathed deeply feeling nervous because he knew that if she decided to take him away she could and would do that.
“Let me just ask you a few things Magnus.” She leaned forward resting her elbows at his table. “Do you love my brother?” Magnus frowned.
“Love is a strong word Isabelle… I can't answer I love him, it might be love. But I'm sure that I would love to know him better, in a serious way, not just playing with him” In fact he knew it was love, he knew in his core Alec was the one true love of his life. But know just that, didn't meant he wasn't scared to say it aloud. Say an I love you is another open door for a tougher heartbreak. He couldn't stand them anymore. She nodded her face a serious expression playing over it. Magnus felt like he was in a job interview.
“Right. Would you like to know him better?”
“Yes” He frowned. He already said that. Why she was asking him again?
“Even now?” Magnus made a confuse expression.
“Why wouldn't I wish to know him now?” She looked at him as if he were dumb. That was when reality hit him. Hit it hard. Alec was quadriplegic. He sighed feeling his chest tighten.
“I know that if I say yes it will be hard. He's facing what I am pretty sure is the worst moment of his life. And is not easy to date a physical deficient but if I change my mind and say no, it will be the hugest mistake I'll ever make… I still would love to know better your brother Isabelle in which single way possible.” His answer made her happy. She smiled beautifully and left looking after Jace and Alec.
Magnus, as neurologist, also interest in a personal way about Alec's situation (more the second than the first), often passed through his physiotherapy sessions. He felt bad because every time he saw Alec there he didn't saw him try. Alec had given up, his blue eyes were faded, more faded than in high school time. On the third time he saw the same situation, Magnus entered the room asking politely if he could talk alone with him. He was laying in a mat as the poor physiotherapist pleaded him even to try. Alec didn’t even looked at them when he asked girl to leave them alone. Magnus didn't even felt his heart ache because lately it was something hurting nonstop there, everything was saddening enough. He smiled squatting to caress the soft black hair he loved so much, he could barely keep his hands to himself next Alexander and even if he was so bitter with the situation, he could still feel and see the sweet aura and the sweet boy under all that pain.
“Hey…”Magnus faced closer Alec's features paying attention to every detail and how beautiful he was. “You have to try Alexander. You must try.”
“For what? Will I play again?” His voice wasn’t sweet as he remembered anymore. Magnus swallowed.
“I know that if you don't try you won't” Alec looked at his eyes. “Come on, you're strong.” He said in a motivational way. Alec sighed as if he was tired of hearing that voice tone, probably he was.
“You think I'm not trying? I can't move shit.” Magnus wanted to hug him and cry for all those years he hold tears back. But he just looked firmly and gave a better smile.
“Let’s do this… Prove me that you’re really trying” Alec looked at him without understand. “Move this wrist to me and I'll believe you.” Alec laughed bitterly shaking his head. “I'm serious. Move it, on the contrary I'll know you're not trying.” He smiled softly wen saw Alec face turn into a concentrated expression. His heart filled with hope and his eyes moved to the boys wrist. He turned serious when nothing happened, he watched Alec stare hopeless to the ceiling. Magnus sighed looking at the boy.
“I'll never do anything again” A single heartbreaking tear felt. He have seen too many lately falling from those eyes “I'll never travel again, I wanted so bad to go to Venice, and also go to Japan, see Paris and Germany again… I'll never go there, because I'll never play again, or walk... even breath is not easy anymore.” Magnus felt a knot at his throat. His eyes got wet but he concentrated in wipe Alexander's tears, a shattered smile rose up on his face.
“Let's make a deal…” He saw a the saddest pair of blue eyes look at him. “I promise you'll do all of this, I promise you'll go to Venice, and Paris and Germany and any other place you wish to if you move your wrists and your elbows and if I see you try and be strong enough. Let me see you try hard and I promise you Alexander…” Alec looked directly at his eyes when he heard his name, Magnus smiled as watched him nod his head.
Every physiotherapy session after that day he saw Alec try hard, like his life depended of doing the simple exercises. Magnus was happy, because he were capable with some words and kind gestures start bringing life to Alec’s eyes again. For once he felt proud to give some happiness to his blue eyed boy the same he hurt unconsciously. Magnus never saw so much determination in one single person.
Isabelle and Jace used to go there visit him very often, but Magnus never saw his parents. He used to pass by the physiotherapy sessions a lot. One day he entered the room and his heart felt like fireworks exploding inside of him when he saw the prettiest smile ever playing on Alexander's lips. He finally smiled two months after waking up. Magnus whole day were happy because of that smile he saw.
Another session he went there, Alexander was racing with some another kid in a motorized wheelchair. Magnus couldn't help but smile. He stopped playing after spot him on the doorframe. Magnus smile got bigger “Having fun?”
“Just trying to beat him, but I'm not that fast” Magnus laughed. Alec moved towards him, the blue eyes showing the glint shine of happiness again even if it was small, was enough to make Magnus whole day happier.
“Is it my eyes or you're controlling it with your wrists?” Magnus eyes moved at the control of the wheelchair, which was next Alexander's hands. He saw Alec smile happily.
“They wanted to know if I can control it. I guess I passed the test. Look.” Magnus eyes shined with amusement when saw Alec spinning around him. He stopped in front of him “See? They say I'm getting better. How long do you think it'll take for me to play again?” Magnus got serious.
“That's up to you. How long do you want it to take?” He placed his hands on his knees eye leveling the blue ones.
“If it was up to me I would be playing since the first day I woke up”
“Patience is the key” Magnus eyes flickered.
“Could it be next week then?” Magnus smiled again.
“Well… You must try really hard if you want to play next week. And I would love to watch you do it again” Alec looked at some point behind Magnus avoiding the green eyes.
“You know… The last time I played and you saw… On high school… I got so much better after that...” He smiled like it was a really funny joke. Magnus smiled together.
“Who said the last time I saw you play was on high school?” Alec looked confused. “After you run away from my loft… I looked after you so much. I called you but you turned off, don't think I've forgot that.” Magnus said the last part in an amused voice tone. Happiness played on the green eyes when he saw Alec blush “And I watched you play at Carnegie Hall”
Alec's mouth opened in surprise, he tried to say something but the words got lost inside his throat. “But I saw the way that Blondie violinist looked at you and when you smiled at her I thought I was getting in the way of something. Thought it would be better to back off. So I did” He was feeling his chest tight, it was a cold day but he was sweating and Alec’s answer to that would define what would be his next step. Alec's voice were dead as thousands of emotions were reflected in the clear eyes, but Magnus had no hint of was going through his head. Alexander was an open book that Magnus couldn’t read.
The lack of response made him move forward with his words. Finally saying what he kept for years inside of him “I wanted to say, I wanted to make you understand that you would never be a nightstand, you would never be just a fuck. I know I screwed up the first time but don't think I never felt sorry or that I never felt interested. You were always special my dear Alexander” He saw the eyes shine in surprise and another emotions he couldn't recognize. Magnus smiled sweetly when the cheeks turned pink, he took advantage of that and leaned forward kissing Alec just next of his mouth, almost on the lips. He turned into his normal position, as Alec got completely red the tips of his ears too. Magnus found the scene adorable.
"I... The violinist was Lydia my best friend actually... " Alec's cheek were burning and Magnus laughed silently. He said so much, that was Alec’s response, and Magnus could not to be disappointed. He was stupidly in love after all. "I'm sorry about that day... I should have stayed and talked to you. But, after that man who showed up I only could remember the high school time and all. Run away was easier. I was lost, I still liked you but felt broken with that guy’s words and run away was the easiest way out." He smiled with how frantic Alec was being.
"It doesn't matter now, the world gives rounds and here we are again and I wanted to know... Did you liked me? Or do you like me?" It was a stupid question, like those you make on kindergarten to the cute classmate you like. But looking into the deep of each other eyes it made all the sense in the world. Alec sweet blush spread again into his cheeks as he started to babble not knowing what to say. Finally, he took a deep breath and said in an angry and broken tone.
"What does it matter? If I like you or not. Would you still want me? Look at me Magnus! I'm wrecked! Useless! You're a fucking doctor, you can get anyone better than me, someone who talks, who walks and who you can actually fuck instead of changing diapers!" His face was red with rage, his breath was deep and he saw there all the bitterness and inconformity reflected in those eyes and on his sentences. Magnus initially got scared with Alec burst out but he felt good for the boy getting that out of his system. He knew how good it could feel to scream your own frustrations sometimes, and he was sure if it was the inverse situation, he also would scream.
"You're right in almost everything you said" his voice remained calm, blunt and careful. He didn’t wanted to scare him away. "Except for the part where you said I could get anyone better than you... You have no idea Alexander" He put all the faith and all the love he had in the last five words he said. Taking a deep breath, he leaned kissing the soft pink full lips he dreamed so much about. As Magnus was slightly touching the face he dreamed for a long time, Alexander was breathless stricken with the idea that it didn't matter in which situation he was in… How he was, broken or not, useless or not. Magnus Bane would still love him; it was palpable through the air how love and regret mixed in their story among plenty of misunderstandings, mostly misunderstandings.
It was the chaos theory working, the universe moving, making things happen above their understanding, because it couldn’t be anything other than that. The unpredictable way their paths crossed, it had to be that way. There was no coincidence in the cosmos; only a series of fortunate and unfortunate events who took people at the exact place they should be at the exact right time. Pure chaos colliding, making previsions impossible and a thin string called love bounding them to each other. And Alec took a fucking long time to understand that. Among the worst disaster of his life, he understood that destiny had made them to each other and he couldn’t run away from it specially because he didn’t wanted to. For the first time since he woke up. Things felt coming back to place. He closed his eyes kissing back the lips who tasted cherry and mint mixed as a soft sandalwood smell disentangled from the spiked up hair getting into his nose. It felt like home.